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EVERYONE

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EVERYONE

Out here in the middle,

there's a day that every mother looks forward to all year long.

That's it. I'm putting a bullet in Mother's Day.

What? What are you talking about?

I thought about it, and after 22 years,

I don't want any more yellow pants

or a gift card for laser tag

or half a burrito at 11:59 p.m.

I'm gonna save us all a lot of heartbreak

and call Mother's Day.

It's done. And I promise I'm good with it.

Don't listen to her, Dad. It's a trap.

Yeah, I'm staying on high alert.

But I was actually on top of it this year.

Look. I already made you a card.

"To the woman who gave birth to me.

Love, Brick."

Wow. Guess I did all that work for nothing.

Okay, no, Mom.

You pushed out Axl's pointy head,

and didn't you say that Brick

practically destroyed your insides?

He did treat my uterus like a rock star in a hotel room.

Just trashed the place and left.

See? That is why you should let us make you breakfast in bed.

Or how about this?

Instead of spending one day doing nice things for me,

how about you spread out the niceness throughout the year?

Oh, my God. I knew it.

I knew it was a trap.

This is way worse than Mother's Day.

Now we're supposed to be nice to her all the time?

Okay, forget it. You don't have to be nice to me

on Mother's Day or any other day of the year.

Hey, I am thrilled to have my Sunday back

but isn't your mom supposed to come down?

Oh, crap.

You know what? She'll be fine with my Not Mother's Day.

She just wants to see everybody, hang out, maybe have dinner.

Sounds a lot like Mother's Day.

It's completely different.

Hey, maybe you kids could make her a card.

"To the woman who gave birth

to the woman who gave birth to me.

Love, Brick."

"And Axl."

Hey, wait. Can I get in on that?

Can't put three names on a card, Sue. It's tacky.

So, Mother's Day was off, and I was feeling good.

Not really. I was starving all day.

I wonder what's in the fridge.

I think there's only half a head of lettuce.

Why did I even buy lettuce?

Who even eats lettuce? A rabbit?

Wait. Didn't we have a rabbit once?

Where'd that rabbit go?

God, I'm hungry.

Ooh, Bodean's Fresh Fare.

Ooh, that's the nice market with the good chicken.

Should I? Fancy chicken?

No, you know what? I gave up my Mother's Day.

I'm gonna treat myself to chicken in the car.

Or chicken in line.

Mm hmm. Okay, that'll be $15.72, please.

Okay.

Sorry, sir. I can't find my wallet.

Hang on. Hang on.

Ooh, who's been eating all this candy, huh?

Oh, shoot.

You know, I must've left it in my coat pocket,

which is back at work.

All right, well, I guess I'll have to, um...

just take that back.

Uh, here. Now, why don't you let me take care of that?

No, no, no, no.

That's very sweet, but I can't let you do that.

I insist. It's my pleasure.

Wait. Is this for real?

Are we on "Good Morning, Orson, with Cissy Layton"?

Ha! Not that I know of.

Well, listen, why don't you just jot down your address

a-a-and I'll send you the money?

I mean, I would do it myself,

but my hands are kind of chicken-y.

It's all right.

You don't have to pay me back.

All I ask is that, you know, pay it forward.

Well, okay. Yeah.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- I will pay it forward. - Good.

Oh. Ew. Sorry.

Hey, Mom. Happy Not Mother's Day.

Aww, happy Not Mother's Day to you, too, honey.

So, what did Dad get you?

Ugh, he got me a candle.

What is that? He knows smells bother me.

Well, you are not gonna believe

what just happened to me at the store.

I forgot my wallet,

and this nice man in line bought my chicken for me.

He wouldn't even let me pay him back.

Isn't that sweet?

So he was hitting on you?

Why would anyone hit on Mom?

Someone could hit on me.

So was he?

No, he was old. Like 65.

Oh. 65 is old?

Fine. He wasn't old, and he wasn't hitting on me.

You're all missing the point of the story.

All I know is, if I'm buying a woman chicken,

I'm expecting something in return.

Look, the point is, he made me realize

that maybe Mother's Day should be about

people wanting to do nice things for each other

out of the goodness of their hearts.

Anyway, I was thinking about it on the way home,

and that's what I want for Not Mother's Day --

for every one of us to pay it forward

to somebody else in the family.

- Told you -- high alert.

Okay, so I'm putting everybody's name in this hat,

and so whoever you pick,

you have to do something nice for them this weekend.

Doesn't have to be a gift.

Could be a kind gesture.

And, Brick, you go first.

I got Mom. Great.

It's Mother's Day all over again.

Sue.

Oh, my God, Dad.

I cannot wait to see what you get me.

Don't get too excited. It's gonna be something small.

I love small things.

Okay, Mom, your turn.

I get to pick, too? Oh, this is fun.

Mike, I got you.

I already know what I'm gonna give you --

a lifetime pass so - you never have to dance with me.

I don't follow.

Oh, it's nothing.

We don't have to talk about it now.

Oh, perfect.

I got Mom for Mother's Day.

I'm sorry -- Not Mother's Day.

Oh, I got Brick.

I already have an idea of what I'm gonna do.

Hang on. Pat, I don't get what you mean by a dance pass.

Oh, it's just about at Janet's wedding

when I tried to get you to dance with me and you wouldn't.

It's water under the bridge.

Yes! I got myself.

Axl, you can't pay it forward to yourself.

Who wants to trade with Axl?

Nope, nope. It's all right. I want myself.

I welcome the chance to be selfish for a change.

I mean, isn't it about time I put me first? Hmm?

Janet's wedding? How do you even remember that?

That was 20 years ago.

Oh, there isn't really a statute of limitations

on humiliation, is there?

Okay, just got to cross out

"The woman who gave birth to" And "Axl."

Paid it forward. Done and done.

What is the best way to pay myself

for all the great things I do?

Man, this is hard. - I really want to do right by me.

Brick, if you were me, what would you get me? You know what?

You could never be me, so why even think about it?

It's like God talking to an ant.

Okay, Brick, I think you're really gonna like

the way I'm paying it forward.

I'm giving you my room for the summer!

Seriously?

Happy Not Mother's Day.

I am gonna be at Dollywood all summer,

so I figured you could use it while I'm gone.

Hmm? You're finally gonna have your own room.

It smells so good in here, like baby powder and hope.

Mm? You like?

Are you kidding? I love it.

Oh!

And here is the secret of the room.

It has a name.

I gave it to her when I was little.

It's Tina.

Wow. My own room.

I-I don't even know what to do.

I've never had my own place.

Sue, - could you give me a minute?

I'd like a little privacy.

Yeah. Of course.

Okay, I know the perfect way to pay my mom forward.

I'm gonna get her - some of that Bodean's chicken.

I am telling you, Mike, it's miracle chicken.

Seriously, I think - it's laced with something.

I might start buying one per week.

Don't RUFFLES Cheddar this, Frankie.

You know, when you fell in love with them,

ate seven bags, and then threw up?

Oh, we don't know it was that.

It could've been the drunken Creole dipping sauce.

Eh, - I don't like any of this.

I wish we could just go back to Mother's Day,

where we disappoint you and you get mad.

Now I got to disappoint you and Sue.

Why are you being such a crab apple?

I don't know.

I didn't appreciate that crack your mom made.

It was my first event with your family.

If I would've danced, it would've set a precedent

for all kinds of future dancing.

I was planting a flag.

Don't worry. It was planted.

Why do you even care?

I don't know.

All these years,

I thought your mom and I had a good relationship,

but it turns out she's been holding this big grudge.

Oh, relax. She's not that mad.

Well, she's still talking about it 20 years later.

Clearly she's mad.

I think I've been a pretty good son-in-law.

I do a lot more for her than Gary.

Yeah, but Gary danced with her.

Yeah. Looked pretty dumb doing it, too.

What kind of guy starts a conga line?

I mean, I chased a skunk out of their crawl space.

I take Tag off her hands anytime he's driving her nuts.

When their shower broke, I drove up there

in the middle of a Colts game to replace the nozzle.

You even listening to me?

Yeah, yeah. Nozzle.

You can't just repeat the last word I said.

You're thinking about the chicken, aren't you?

It's like crack, Mike.

Nailed it. Thank you, me.

Pretty sweet, right?

I was just gonna go sit by the river

and think about - how I wanted to treat myself

when I saw these bad boys

sitting in the window at the secondhand store

right between a sewing machine and a chipped bowling ball.

How could you pass that up?

Exactly. Plus, it's like the perfect storm of giving.

I got them at St. Michael's, so all the proceeds go to charity.

I look awesome.

You guys get to enjoy me in them.

I'm paying it forward, backward, and sideways.

Oh, hey, Mike.

Listen, Pat, about that whole Janet's wedding business,

you seemed kind of bugged by it,

so I-I wanted to just be clear.

It's not that I didn't want to dance with you.

It's that I don't want to dance with anybody.

Oh, Mike, don't worry about it.

It's not a big deal.

Well, obviously it is a big deal

or you wouldn't have mentioned it.

Well, maybe at the time.

Cause, you know, I mean,

Janet and Gary had just finished their first dance,

and the DJ said,

"Anybody else want to join the happy couple

on the dance floor?"

So I looked over at you.

You were still new to the family.

And you were just sitting there all alone,

drinking your whiskey,

so I danced across that floor to you,

and I leaned down and grabbed your hands

and tried to pull you up,

but you just sat there like a rock.

Are you sure I --

Oh, yeah.

Cause then everybody was looking at us,

and they started chanting, "Mike! Mike! Mike!"

And I was pleading with you with my eyes to get up,

but you wouldn't budge.

So finally I just had to smile

and dance away and pretend everything was fine.

But it wasn't.

I slipped off to the bathroom and cried

and missed "We Are Family," which is my favorite song.

But I hardly think about that anymore.

Would you like a grilled cheese?

What happened in here?

Nice, huh? I finally have the space

to arrange all my books by subgenre --

alternate history, space western,

apocalyptic fiction, post-apocalyptic fiction.

You really moved in here, huh?

Cause it seems like a lot of work just for the summer.

Well, yeah, but then you'll be up at school.

But we can talk about that later.

You know, it's just, I didn't expect you to change so much.

Well, I did think you were being awfully generous.

Frankly, I would've been happy

with just a little extra space in the medicine cabinet.

- I can give you that. - Really?

Thanks. The bedroom and the bathroom?

I hit the mother lode.

I am just gonna take my "Hang in there" Poster.

I may need to look at it.

You didn't actually sleep in those, did you?

Uh, yeah.

Got to wear them 24/7 to get them to mold to my feet.

Ah. Don't you know anything about being a cowboy?

You might try wearing some socks.

Why? They're snakeskin.

You ever seen snakes wearing socks?

Oh, hey. Morning.

Oh, so, listen,

you know that I drew your name in Mom's weird thing,

so I did a little something for you.

- Aww, Dad, thank you. - Yep.

So I noticed that Woofy Dog was looking a little rough,

needed a little fixing up,

so I took him out to the doll hospital on Route 10.

Ah? What do you think?

Mm. Oh, my God.

It's so great.

Yeah, they scraped all that old fur off,

gave him a new nose, mouth, and ears,

and stuffed him up real good.

Oh, and he's been waterproofed,

so he might smell a little chemically,

but they said that'd wear off.

Yay.

You know, with all the new fur and stuff,

it's like it's practically a whole new dog.

Yep. It is.

Okay. Well, good. Glad you like it.

Tell your mom.

So, here it was--Mother's Day.

And I have to say, I'd never felt better.

I had infected my family with the spirit of giving

like a fungus in a secondhand cowboy boot.

Hey. Yeah, I'm already in line,

so if you want anything other than gum

or an Us magazine, you're out of luck.

I'm just calling to tell you that I'm driving your mom back.

She wants to leave right now.

What?

But it's Not Mother's Day Mother's Day,

and I'm bringing her chicken.

I know, but she says she forgot

to set her DVR to record "Castle."

Yeah, but that's not on until tomorrow night.

Well, she says she can't relax.

She's nervous she's gonna miss it.

Listen, just tell her to spend the night,

and we'll watch it at our house.

Frankie, whatever argument you can throw at me,

I've already tried.

All right, well, I mean, I-I guess I can eat two chickens.

Tell Mom I love her.

Uh-huh.

So I couldn't pay it forward to my mom,

but I wasn't gonna let that stop me.

I was gonna pay it forward to somebody else.

Excuse me.

- Hi. -Hi.

I'd like to pay for your groceries.

What?

Uh, no, that's not necessary.

I insist.

Someone did that for me once,

and I want to pay it forward and do it for you.

It's all on me today.

- You're kidding. - Nope.

Honey, you're not gonna believe it,

but this nice lady wants to pay for all of our groceries.

Seriously?

Oh, my God. That is so nice.

Thank you.

It's my first Mother's Day,

and it's already the best one ever.

Thank you.

Attention Bodean's shoppers,

a woman here on register one

is paying for this couple's groceries

for no other reason than out of the kindness of her heart.

Let's give this good Samaritan a big hand.

Yeah.

Hey. Got your text.

Oh, you're eating in here now.

That's a relaxation of my rules,

but I guess it's your room now.

Actually, that's what I want to talk about.

Sue, I've been thinking a lot about you giving me your room,

and something about it just doesn't feel right.

It doesn't?

No. You were so generous,

and all I did was just tape together a card for Mom.

That doesn't seem fair.

I feel like I still need to pay it forward.

Well, if that's how you really feel, you probably should.

Oh, good. 'Cause I was thinking about converting your desk

into a whole craft area for Mom to do her beadwork.

Do you think she'd like that?

Yeah.

I just feel like Santiago should be shared with other people.

Who's Santiago?

Oh, Tina didn't sound right to me,

so I renamed the room Santiago.

And so then, just by looking at

the messages on his phone and the receipts in his wallet,

Castle figured out that the bad guy made a fake ID

to get into the Russian Embassy.

Such a clever show.

Hey, Pat, I know you keep saying

that the dancing thing isn't a big deal,

but I-it kind of is a big deal to me.

I've always thought very highly of you,

and I hope - that you think highly of me.

Oh, of course, Mike.

Okay, 'cause you know I lost my mom pretty young.

So for a long time now, you've...

...kind of been the only mom I've got.

Hey. It's me again.

Oh, hey!

Oh, thank you again.

We really appreciate it.

Yeah, um, tiny hitch in the whole grocery-buying thing.

The cost was just a teeny bit more than I expected,

so I thought maybe we could work something out.

I don't understand.

Uh, a-are you saying you don't want to pay it forward?

Oh, no, no, no. I still want to pay it forward.

I just might have to pay it slightly less forward.

I'm not suggesting you should pay for half of it

unless, of course, you want to.

Wait. So you want us to give you money?

No. No, no, no.

That would be ridiculous.

Money's already been paid. Everybody clapped.

Then what do you want us to do?

Um, I don't know.

Well, here's a thought.

Uh, maybe you could give me some of your groceries.

Okay, I guess so.

Great. Um, what's in that bag back there?

I think it's fruit.

Oh, no, I don't want that.

Uh, oh, this roast looks delicious.

I did put my chicken back. Did you get a chicken?

Well, you should. It's out of this world.

Okay, uh, pbht!

Artisanal chocolate bark?

I would never buy that for myself, so that's a yes.

Um, oh! Maple bacon.

Love me some bacon.

I'm going with the bacon.

Anything else?

No, no. Thank you.

And don't forget -- pay it forward.

So, y'all good in here?

No.

I miss my room and I miss Woofy Dog

and I don't want to go to Dollywood for the summer

and be away from everyone I love.

Everything is changing too fast.

And T-Tina is now Santiago.

Okay, first of all, where is Woofy Dog?

Whoa.

Dad paid it forward.

He even Scotchgarded his fur,

and now Woofy Dog - can't even absorb my tears.

They just roll off.

Ugh, Sue, - you've got to go to Dollywood.

If there's anyone who belongs

in a country-themed amusement park, it's you.

And you'll be there with Brad.

That should be fun, right?

I guess.

You know, I'm thinking this is probably why

you gave Brick your room.

You're subconsciously pushing yourself out of the nest.

I mean, you want to go.

How the hell - am I failing my psych class?

But I've never been on my own before.

Like, really on my own.

What if I can't handle the fast-paced living

of Pigeon Forge?

It's just one summer.

You got to at least try it.

And if it doesn't work out, you can always come back home.

It's like my boots. They didn't work out,

so I took them back and got a bunch of T-shirts, huh?

And, I mean, if you get lonely, you can always call people.

I mean, not me, but I'm sure Mom and Dad will let you.

And, hey, - you'll have Woofy Dog, hm?

Just needs to be worn in.

Yeah, well, just have Mom run him through the laundry.

Everything she washes gets ruined.

Thanks, Axl.

Come on.

You can crash in Brick's bed.

Really?

Come on.

You know, I get a lot of grief, but I got to hand it to myself.

I'm always trying -- trying to make my family --

no, the world a better place.

And it doesn't need to be a giant thing.

Sometimes, it's the smallest gesture

that makes a difference.

Come on, Pat. Let's do this.

Wha-- What are we -- What are we doing?

You'll see.

You can dance. Oh, my god.

So, after all these years,

Mike finally got Mother's Day right.

It was just with another mother.

Are you kidding?

All right, now, you see the list?

Yeah. Scroll down until you get to "Castle."

Okay, the arrow keys.

Yes, there are.

There's four of them.

Fine. They're not arrows. They're triangles.

All right, so press the triangle that's pointing down.

What do you mean, "Now everything's in Korean"?

What did you press?

All right, Mom, never mind.

I'll see you in three hours.