Original subtitles

Hey, whatever happened to Poncherello?

Some sergeant. Made him chairman of the entertainment committee for the CHP

benefit. He's out looking for stars.

You go right, you go... Hey, aren't you Ed McMahon?

Move!

I'm terribly sorry.

You're going too fast to let go, and you're going too fast for the cars

behind you to stop in case you spill. They would have rolled right over you.

Now, you get the idea?

Mark, are you all right? I'm fine. Mark took a little skating trip on the

freeway. On the freeway?

But I don't think it was intentional.

We teach skating.

Roller disco.

Have you girls heard about Skate with the Stars?

Charity Spectacular?

Well, sure. We've seen the posters.

I'm entertainment chairman.

Okay, let's try it out.

Okay, down!

This guy that tailgates me is in for a big surprise.

Yeah, oh no, he'd love to do your show, yeah.

Look, I'm telling you, Frankie, there's no way.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he really gets up doing your show. Yeah, Murph.

Yeah, looking forward to seeing you. Bye.

Look, I'm not indestructible. My manager agent should know that most of all. I'm

not indestructible.

Okay, Mr.

Tailgater.

I know

them

all. I mean, I know what they had for breakfast.

Send your sister. That's... Okay.

You know something? You guys sure got dumped.

What's wrong? You think I'm stealing from you?

Well, then an outside audit shouldn't bother you. It's done a lot.

Yeah, well, not with us. Go ahead, go ahead, okay? Go ahead, look at

everything. I don't need you. I can handle my own affairs.

Cancel all the contracts.

Yeah, we didn't have a contract.

We did it all with a handshake.

Well, then cancel the handshake.

Hey! Somebody stop her!

Stop her!

All units, vicinity Venice, to smash and grab 211, just occurred at Fields

Discount Jewelry, Pacific Avenue.

Pause. Go.

You guys sure got faked out. You and your partner, too.

Hey, wait a minute, Mark.

I'm gonna give you an inside secret. That is, if you can handle it.

Good guys don't win every round, all right?

That's some newsflash.

Our, uh, doubting groupie caught us in action again.

Big hero image example we're setting for him, huh?

Yeah, first time since I've been writing that I fell at a disadvantage.

You know, John, I got a plan.

Yeah? It involves the girl.

Oh, brother, that isn't a plan.

That's desire.

Nothing like a nice, organic, vegetarian dinner, huh?

I'm going into withdrawal.

So if you don't mind, I think I'll go split and get a chili dog.

Where do we start?

Well, we were planning on getting acquainted with the town.

Yeah, how about the side streets off the Pacific near that jewelry store?

OK.

Well, are you guys satisfied?

Well, we won't be satisfied until we catch the characters, but at least now

we know how they gave us the slip.

And that won't be so easy to do next time if we get another chance at that.

Well, you want to come in for a cup of coffee? You must be tired.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great. No, no, no.

I mean, thanks, but we ought to check out the rehearsal.

Rehearsal?

For what?

Part of the benefit show, Roller Beauty Patch.

Ah, showbiz. I love it.

Hey, Ponch, look, you don't have Ed McMahon, you don't have Jimmy Tyler.

Hey, if I can get Ed McMahon, you should be able to get Jimmy Tyler.

If. If, if. You never learn.

Right.

Maccarello.

Hey, Joe, good to see you. Yeah, you maybe.

Why do I get this terrible feeling that Frank here is avoiding me?

Me?

Why would I do that?

Well, let's just say that you're having trouble lining up the stars.

I mean, the cellist from the Oxnard String Quartet isn't exactly John

Travolta. Forgetting about Ed McMahon?

Yeah, okay, well, that's one star.

How about Jimmy Tyler?

Yeah, all right. Listen up, girls. The audience participation stunt will be

right after the parade. But since we've got so many guys here, why don't we

practice it right now?

Okay, this will be for timing, okay? Not for skating.

So what I want you to do is go up into the stands, get yourself a guy, and get

him back down on the floor.

And let's all try to move together when the music starts.

Grossie, you ready?

Okay, Bonnie.

Girls, go get him. Come on.

What was that?

Oh, uh, let's see. That's about, uh, E-flat, huh?

Guess it was just too quiet.

Yeah, well, uh, seemed to be able to sleep through a wreck.

I wasn't just tired in that car wreck. I was stone beat.

Well, I'll be out of here in about 30 minutes, so, uh, you can sleep all day

long, huh?

You know, I really appreciate this.

Yeah, this place is like heaven.

Well...

Hey, listen, Jimmy.

You know, if I'm prying into your business, let me know. But I don't

understand. What seems to be the big problem?

Well, in one word, Balfour.

Oh, he's stealing from you. That's what you think?

Stealing my life. That's what I'm sick of.

I mean, the guy runs my life for me.

Just once, just once, I'd like to make a decision on my own.

A concert date, a talk show, an album, anything.

I feel things.

I'm not just a piece of merchandise.

I guess that's what they call an identity crisis, huh?

Hey, don't you start putting me down, too, all right?

I know.

Listen, you're a household name. I mean, you know, you're a millionaire, you own

a Rolls Royce, you own a yacht, and you have a den full of gold records.

So forgive me if I have a problem relating to your problem.

You want to talk money?

Let me tell you something. I haven't had five bucks in my pocket in five years.

You know why?

Because Balfour doesn't think I can be trusted with it.

I'm catching on.

I'm just sick of the guy.

But all that's going to change, because from now on, I make the decisions.

I decide.

And that's my decision.

Did I say the concert was off?

I did not.

No, that's got nothing to do with me.

Certainly the concert's still on.

Well, you better have, because I'm plugging on three talk shows this week.

Look, do I sound like a guy who's had a nervous breakdown?

That's just a rumor.

You can't let a rumor like that interfere with a contractual obligation.

Right. You just take care of the local promotion, and I'll take care of filling

the seats.

Right. Fine.

Hello.

Speaking.

Oh, hi, Merv.

Hey, listen, I've got this great idea for a gig.

You come on, and you lip-sync the lyrics to my new single, and then we duet.

Is that a trip?

Great. I love it.

I'll see you at the studio at 3 o'clock.

All right, bye.

I can't be at the studio at 3 o'clock.

I've got an interview.

Hello.

Speaking.

Yeah.

Houston?

Let me see.

Well, you know I can't be at two places at once.

Yeah. I'm in New York on the 10th.

Huh.

Well, Houston's just a rehearsal, isn't it?

Oh, it is.

Well, look, let me check through my notes and I'll call you right back.

Right. Bye.

Brian, give me a hand with this fan mail.

Brian?

Colin, I... I get thirsty and... Well, where are you going to find a

market on the freeway?

You hear that clown behind me? Huh?

Here we go again.

of 405 at dennis a hit and run 1183 on the freeway suspect vehicle a dodge

green over black glass scene southbound toward washington

Afternoon, officer.

All right, get out of the car.

Turn around, put your hands on your head.

Aren't you guys a little old to be playing the skidder game, huh?

Franco!

Franco! Hey, my neck!

Look! My neck is fine!

I'm cured!

I'm cured!

Don't listen to him! He's nuttier than a fruitcake! Yeah, well, what's that make

you? You're with him.

Listen.

My neck.

Hey, what you got?

Little whiplash?

reported this, man. I'm gonna lose my lease.

Well, would you complain if that was Roy Clark?

Sure, if you raise this kind of disturbance.

Win the Ronstadt?

See how my life goes? I try and get some quiet. You call this quiet? I mean, this

is about as quiet as World War III.

Well, my business is quiet.

And those fans outside, I don't know where they came from, but I owe them

everything.

Jimmy, uh, who brought all this stuff up here?

Well, I had some guys deliver it. I knew you wouldn't mind.

Plus, I had some gourmet food brought in. All on me.

Hey, go ahead, Punch. Have what you want.

Hey, look, Jimmy, uh, you know, you said you wanted a place to be alone, to rest,

to hide.

Well, right.

This is great. I feel safe here.

Hello? Yeah, this is him.

It's a call I made to London.

England?

Uh, your partner.

Hello, London?

Look, I don't know.

What do you think? If it's a good investment, go ahead.

Just don't bug me with stuff like this.

Look, why do I have to call you? Why don't you call me?

Broker. He wants me to buy pork billies. I don't even know what they are.

Jimmy, uh...

I just talked to the manager, man. I mean, the neighbors are complaining

about the uproar in here. The music is too loud.

Look, I'm really sorry. I just can't keep track of everything.

And those fans out there, man, this is not a recording studio or a stage. This

is a place where people want to live.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Uh, no, Mr. Tyler is not in. I don't know when he'll be back.

Okay, thank you.

Why don't you just leave it off the hook?

I can't, because I'm on call. And that brings up another point. You tying up

the phone.

Look, I'm sorry.

Balfour's giving them the number here. I've got investments. I've got

itineraries. All kinds of things I don't even know about.

Come on, Jimmy. I mean, that's a table. That's a lamp. I'm a cop.

I mean, you're a singer-musician, right?

I mean, if you were a two-headed genius with six arms, you couldn't do all this

stuff by yourself.

John, don't do this to me. I just need time.

All right.

You have the time, but not here, man. This is my home.

Get an office.

I'm not into that. I can't.

Well, then hire a secretary or an accountant, attorney, something, man.

John, you're doing it to me.

Look, if you mean Balfour, no.

I mean, I don't want you to take back somebody that's stealing from you.

Frank's never stolen a nickel in his life.

Yeah, well, maybe he hasn't.

If he's so great, then, uh...

Why couldn't he get some stars for Ponch's benefit show?

Do you know how hard it is to get stars?

People calling you all the time. I mean, I could do benefits every night if it

wasn't for Frank to take... John, you did it to me, didn't you?

Come on, Jimmy.

I mean, you tell me you're tired, man, that you take on all this extra work,

that you want to run your own life?

What do you really mean?

Probably get you some stars for the benefit.

Well, that'll make my partner real happy.

Now, you want to make me happy?

I owe you.

Why don't you tell those fans to be quiet and go on home?

Do you want me to clear out?

Well, not till you get your head together.

Then I'll stay.

It's my decision.

You want to turn to page 32 in your contract?

Page 32.

Yahoo.

Come in.

Okay.

Look, it's in simple language. I mean, we supply the album, you supply it.

Hey, what's so hard about that? You pay for the expense and we get the album.

Look, I'm not his manager anymore. I'm sorry.

If you want adjustment, you're gonna have to call Jimmy himself.

He's handing you his own affair.

What can I tell you, pal?

Goodbye.

That problem, what's yours?

You threw me a curve.

I contacted all the names you gave me for Escape with the Stars.

You know how many takers I got?

Zero, man.

Not one.

I can't understand it. I mean, those are all friends of mine.

Well, half of them already think you kicked the bucket, Mr. Belford.

And most of them haven't heard from you in years.

Tybalt Productions. Speaking.

And now, Jimmy Tyler's big hit, Him In.

First big hit.

Figure that'll solve it, huh? Just turn him off.

What do you know about it?

I know about being partners.

These are Jimmy's things. I better get them packed.

You run everything out of this office, huh?

Well, you know, I expected something lush with a bunch of secretaries.

Yeah, well, that was the idea.

Keep expenses down, pay as you go, two-man operation.

Yeah, but now you're a conglomerate and you're still running things out of your

hip pocket.

Do you want to know why nobody knows who I am? Because I spent all my time making

Jimmy Tyler what he is today.

Tired, lonesome, confused.

Tell me something, Mr. Bell.

You have been so busy masterminding all of this. How long has it been since you

had a talk with Jimmy Tyler?

I mean, talked.

To Jimmy Tyler.

It's a good song.

Give in.

Yeah, that's our first pressing. We used to laugh how it went by.

I was looking for a singer I could build, and he

was looking for a manager he could trust.

Next case.

You keeping that one?

Yeah, you know, like some people keep the first dollar they make, first ticket

they write.

Hey, there's a charity group called Actors and Others for Animals. They're

pretty nifty. If I can get them, I'll give you a call, okay?

Please, don't call.

Just come and bring them.

Oh, uh, Mr. Belford, it may cost you to hire assistants.

But it's a lot cheaper than losing friends.

I got a bad feeling about this setup.

After this job, I've had it.

Look, man, we've saved almost $2,000 from selling these credit cards.

And maybe after we show Lita all this money,

we can quit this stuff.

Maybe. But I'm just gonna take my share, and I quit.

Been together a long time, bro.

You quit, I quit.

Have a nice day.

Bye.

Smile, honey, and start counting our bills.

Units in the Venice area. Silent alarm.

Possible 211 in progress at the bank.

Venice traffic circle.

7 Mary 3 and 4 responding.

Peace.

Hold it!

What are you doing?

This is the pets.

Busted by a meter maid.

You have the right to remain silent.

Why not use it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you wait for water skis?

Want me to pull you out?

This ain't Chase. First boat all the way.

I'll tell you something, Mark.

Bad guys win some of the battles, but good guys do their homework.

They win most of the wars.

everybody to the CHP Skate with the Stars benefit.

Come on, everyone. Put on those skates. Get down it. Skate with the Stars. All

right.

We got Melissa Sue Anderson, Nancy Cole.

Lee Merriweather is skating tonight.

And there's Robert Mandan.

And Sidney Williams.

Todd Bridges.

George Pappard.

Dan Haggerty's with us tonight.

Hey, Pippa, how you doing, buddy?

Hey, how you doing, man? How you doing?

Hey, here's Michael Cole.

Dana Plato.

Antonio Farkas.

race skating tonight.

Get down.

Barbara Luna's having a good time.

Earl Hollivan.

Hey, Sydney.

What a fantastic night, folks.

Come on.

Get on those skates and dance with our stars. You know who we got tonight? Why,

we have with us tonight Big Tayback, Joanne Flew, Richard Hatch, Gwen

Guilford, Peter Lupus. They're all out to help tonight.

Dr. Love, Andrew Prine, Victor French, Madeline Rude, Peter Marshall, Jackie

Joseph. Tonight you can boogie with Joanne Worley, Tina Louise, Michael

Ball, Ruth Buzzi, Susan Richardson.

They're all on skates tonight. Dick Van Patten, Adam Rich, Brett Summers, Vivian

Lane, and Dodie Goodman. So come on, everybody!

Skate with the Stars!

It's a full house and they're still coming. Tell Frank I'd take back

everything I said about it. Oh, there he is. Why don't you tell him yourself?

Of course, I don't think of Reggie.

Amazing. I never knew Punch had so many friends.

Fooled you, huh? Yeah, that makes two of us.

Well, it's time for the beauty contest.

Excuse me.

Hey, uh... You're small, pretty.

Funny joke.

I better go check on my judges.

Relax and enjoy as your California Highway Patrol brings you the world's

first roller disco beauty contest.

Hey, let's hear it for your favorites, okay?

Our judges tonight are Andrew Prime, Lee Merriweather, Todd Bridges, Melissa Sue

Anderson, Richard Paul, and Ruth Buzzi.

Hey, it's about time. I was starting to get worried.

What did I miss?

Uh, beauty contests. I think they got a winner.

May my friends show up?

Everybody you call, bless them. Come on, you better get on up there, all right?

Here to crown the roller beauty queen, the president of Actors and Others for

Animals, Mr. Earl Holliman.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Let's hear it for Sunday.

gentlemen, the great Jimmy Tyler.

I know you want me, no need to act shy.

Don't turn your head when I'm passing by.

Say to yourself, girl, that it isn't right.

Girl, don't you know you'll be with me tonight.

In spite of yourself, you know you need me. What I'm longing to give, give me.

And I know why.

Girl, don't you think we should give it a try?

Don't be concerned what your mama might say.

Cause you know you'll do what you want anyway.

Be good to yourself.

Cause loving's a thing that you're longing to give. Give in.

Jimmy's here. Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, he asked me not to.

He was afraid he wouldn't show up. See ya.

Hey, Holden, not so fast. What's next, handcuffs?

Don't tell me, huh?

Give in to all the fire in your heart. You know I want to hit her every part

of your heart and soul.

Let yourself go.

Give in.

Give in to all the fire.

Let's boogie!

Jimmy Tyler, this is Frank Balford.

Hi, kid. What do you do?

Sing. Write a little music.

Wasn't bad.

Not bad at all.

Make you a star.

Think so?

It's possible.

I need someone to handle the business, and I'm not good at that.

Well, I'm hiring some people, and maybe we could spend some time together and,

you know, maybe be friends.

I

think

we can let him go, huh?