Original subtitles

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

MILITARY UNIVERSITY

[triumphant music playing]

- [shooting] - [helicopters flying]

INSTRUCTOR

What an artist! You're wasting your talents.

Well, I think you're right.

Please turn in your gun.

But the class isn't even over!

No, but for you it is.

[gunshots]

Do we have a problem?

No, sir.

Fire a shot.

[quiet music playing]

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

Hyperactivity or impotence.

No in between.

I'll never understand millennials. Never.

[shot fires, ricochets]

[gentle music playing]

[funky beat playing]

♪ If you're going to look at me While I pleasure myself ♪

♪ I want to look at you ♪

[opening theme music playing]

[pipes rattling]

This is disgusting.

You brush your teeth for two minutes.

At least two.

[moaning]

[romantic music playing]

[moaning louder]

Nothing to see here.

Besides, I don't know where the hell I should do it If not in the shower.

Like, I do it In front of my roommate?

Would you agree to, um…

do exactly that in a safe, controlled environment,

away from the mood-breaking eye of the public?

Listen, I like girls just fine, but you're not really my type.

- What did I do wrong? - Nothing.

Clearly, she's the weird one.

Girls would love to masturbate after such an invite.

Someone will agree to.

We'll install 3D diodes in my Shagometer

and get the acquired data in my lab and control the conditions.

What will you do with the data?

Look at this.

It's like this app exactly.

Your goal, to weigh 55 kilograms. You put in the data.

Your weight, your height, lifestyle and stuff like that.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFESTYLE? SITTING

And the app generates a set of exercises for your needs.

Our app will be like this.

The goal is maximum pleasure.

The woman puts in her data, and the app comes up with a perfect recipe.

You're not listening.

I am.

- What kind of data? - Physiological data mostly.

I'll gather the data through sensors installed in the Shagometer,

with which the girls are going to pleasure themselves.

I have a feeling that this is gonna end with you testing on me, you and Paulina.

Paulina doesn't have a problem?

No way. Never.

But this dress makes you look so healthy!

But I still want to look pretty!

Sure.

Can't they at least do it on your bed?

- No. - [Paulina] Well why not?

My bed is supposed to stay neutral here.

Why is that?

Because I live there, and you don't anymore.

So take your stuff away while the experiment's going on.

But it'll be a long process that can last for an entire day.

We need to create a safe environment so women feel comfortable,

not like renting a bedroom.

- You could've told me from the get-go. - I did.

No.

You never tell me anything because you assume I'll agree to everything.

Are you going to?

I will. But I have one condition.

What's that?

You're gonna be my maid of honor.

I won't do that.

I agree. The dress creates bun-shaped patches.

Oh, now you've made me hungry.

Mm.

Being a maid of honor is a job for someone good with people.

Or someone who leads a dance at the wedding. You know I'm not that.

- Maid of honor for the Masturbatory. - [clerk] Want a fresh bun?

[funky beat playing]

What do you say?

[panting]

[Natalia] Ola, right?

No.

Uh, yeah, wait a second. Wait a second.

She's Ola. And I'm Maciek.

Natalia.

Would you like to participate in an experiment?

What kind?

Would you like to pleasure yourself in my Masturbatory?

[laughter]

Excuse me?

Sorry for asking in front of your boyfriend.

- Whoever said he was my boyfriend? - How come?

- We're not a couple? - Stop it, not right now.

- When's the time to talk about us? - Stop your whining.

Now?

I'm researching the female orgasm.

You get a dildo, and I log your sensations.

[laughs] No, thank you.

I have a boyfriend.

[sighs]

Honey, wait for me!

Can't decide?

- I'd be glad to help you. - I don't want any of your help.

- But it's not fair. - What's not fair?

You know everything about my app, and yours is secret.

Believe me, I wish I was oblivious to the existence of your nanogel.

It offends me.

You realize you're creating unhealthy competition?

What's unhealthy is your diet.

[man] At some level, mathematics is sensitive and delicate,

and even alluring.

To use one word…

it's sexy.

I don't believe I know your face, miss.

I don't know you.

Shall we get to know each other?

Only if you insist.

Come up to the board.

I'd rather not.

Your name is?

[Monika] Monika Nowicka.

Nowicka. [sniffs]

Is it possible you might be related to Marek Nowicki?

That's right.

You contradict the saying.

Which one?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

But it seems to be that you fell outside the orchard.

[laughter]

And your father was a student of the highest class.

Yeah?

And what kind of things did he do in his days as a student?

He attended class.

Hm. I do as well.

I wish you to graduate from this university,

so that you don't have to be ashamed all your life.

Meaning?

[professor] Without your daddy's help.

[laughter]

Who knows the answer?

- [Monika] May I? - Of course.

[cough echoes]

[funky beat playing]

It can be done.

[woman] And one more thing. If you ever come close to me again, I'll sue you.

My family has been full of lawyers for generations.

I'm the first to choose my own path. Do you get me?

- What's going on? - Nothing.

And now, I would like to do what I came here for.

Change my tampon.

Please go away.

[Natalia] I have no social skills whatsoever.

- [Monika] That's putting it pretty mildly. - [Natalia] Nobody wants to talk to me.

- I am talking to you. - But you're a special case.

- [Monika] Thank you. - [Natalia] I can't give up yet.

You can never give up.

Oh, you two. Come in, please.

I'll do the talking.

The janitor's kid was wandering the building with this in his hand.

Supposedly, I commissioned it.

Research for the app, sir.

Uh-huh.

How is this mushroom supposed to help with the project?

It's a dildo.

- Printed for what purpose? - For masturbation.

- Private? - For studying.

We'll use it to gather data.

From who?

From one another.

[funky beat playing]

Hmm.

You need between 30 and 50,000 subjects for a reliable outcome.

- There are two of you. - Three. And I developed SLEEP on my own.

- How did you collect data? - Sleeping.

So now you two, uh-huh, uh-huh, now you just...

We found a method. It's all under control.

Spare me the details.

Okay.

I hope you know I can't defend another mistake to the board.

Why not?

For that.

- Ah. - [Dr. Krynicki] Hm.

We'll play nice then.

You can't masturbate with this. At least, not without hurting yourself.

- Maybe someone else will like it. - I'm not saying I don't like it,

but I wouldn't pleasure myself with it.

But how do I collect the data?

My dildo measures the level of pleasure, but I can't talk to people.

Stop already with the data. People are not robots.

- You'd be surprised. - Maybe we should abandon the project.

It might be a game to you, but for me it's my whole life.

- [Monika] I need this, too. Trust me. - [Natalia] Doesn't look that way.

[waiter] Welcome.

We'd like to order off the menu.

And a bottle of white wine.

Put it on my father's tab, please.

- Good afternoon. - Hello. Oh!

What a coincidence this is.

[laughs] Fine.

Mind if the two of us talk?

We're talking.

I'd rather talk in private.

I have nothing to hide. Do you?

[inhales]

[funky beat playing]

Ah, I'm not hungry.

I'm making some room.

It won't be needed.

What's wrong with it now?

Everything.

And I was starting to think I was doing okay.

It's a good idea, Natalia.

I don't know how to discuss…

sex still.

The idea is good, but I don't have the required expertise.

I don't know terminology, trends or…

I don't know the behavioral patterns of all these…

People?

- Stop packing. It's not gonna work. - Yeah, sure.

[sighs] But you never give up on anything.

You'll come up with something new in no time.

I don't even want to know what.

[quick tempo music playing]

If somebody wanted to learn about fish, then you'd go to…

Fishmongers?

An aquarium.

And if you wanted to learn about sex, then you'd go to…

Orgy.

- What? - Konrad told me you two are back together.

He lied.

I don't get it. Why do you think so little of him?

- Why do you think so highly? - I can count on him.

- For what? - For…

I don't want to talk about him.

Sweetheart.

You've always been the most important thing to me.

You'll finish your studies, so that in the future…

you can lead my company.

And the future, Monika, is happening now.

What do you mean?

You can finally…

start building something of your own.

- You mean of your own? - Nah.

I would like you to choose your own road.

You'll support my app then?

[funky beat playing]

Your what?

You want me to choose my own path, so…

Your own path, yeah. In my company.

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Monika, I'm being serious.

You could fish the whole ocean, and you wanna fish in a puddle?

You're right. I don't.

Monika…

I'm talking to you.

- You didn't even ask. - About?

About the app, Dad.

- [Paulina] How long will it take? - [Natalia] Don't know. Why?

I need to tell Mariusz something.

We need to acquire data for the app. Time is not an issue.

I can't write that to him.

[woman] The lay of the land was very often crucial for the outcome of the battle.

It influences strategy and also strongholds.

Not surprisingly, strongholds were built at the fork or the confluence of a river.

The optimal location for the placement of an outpost, headquarters or fort

was determined by the bifurcation of the river.

[laughter]

Really?

Are you done giggling?

[phone vibrating]

Bifurcation is a division…

STAYING AT THE DORM TO STUDY. I'LL MISS YOU.

…which used to be one, and now splits into two separate currents.

[melancholy music playing]

However, although it has two currents, it is still the same river.

A good example is this part of the Stobrawa basin,

which is located in the east of the Stobrawa Landscape Park.

It influences strategy and also strongholds.

600 for two tickets.

We'll be just a sec.

Three hundred a ticket?

I won't do it.

I have to get in there.

Three hundred needs to last me this month.

The end of the month is today.

What?

Hey.

Oh, hey.

I see the sex store hooked you. [chuckles]

Exactly.

Can you help us?

Listen I can't get you in...

Just for a minute?

- Those two are with me. - Oh…

Uh!

Go ahead.

Hey, where are you going with no ticket?

[chuckles]

Uh, I'm with those girls...

Super. Three hundred.

- What? - Three hundred zlotys.

I'm here for Paulina Malinowska.

I've never seen you before.

I've never seen you before either.

That's not a good argument.

I would like to see my fiancée. Does that convince you yet?

No, it doesn't.

That's it?

Without fighting?

That's supposed to be true love?

[funky beat playing]

It is really true love.

That's good to hear.

Documents or ID, please, sir.

Lovely photo!

[door creaks open]

Oh!

I thought the girls had come back. What a surprise!

It's a private.

I'm an NCO.

Even better.

What are you looking for, weary soldier?

Paulina.

What for?

Because we're engaged. I'm her fiancé.

She never told me.

Hmm.

- Paulina said she was studying here. - But she's not here.

- And Natalia? - GDPR?

[Mariusz sighs]

Is Paulina hiding something from me?

She was hiding your existence from me.

- You have to help me. - I do not.

I'm begging.

All right, then.

Expo hall at Wola. You'll find Natalia, and Paulina is usually not far behind.

Thank you.

- I'm here if you need more help. - [Mariusz] I won't.

SEX-RELATED APPS

TOP 10 EROTIC APPS

Hmm.

LEARN HOW TO SATISFY THE NEEDS OF ANY STUD

Load of horse shit.

FEMALE ORGASM APPS

NO RESULTS FOR FEMALE ORGASM APPS

What?

[funky beat playing]

DID YOU MEAN: HOW DO I KNOW IF I CAME?

Don't you think he looks suspicious?

- Who? - The soldier.

No.

He was walking by the rooms, and now he's hanging near the dorm.

[dance music playing]

Maybe we should just go home.

Don't say that. And waste a 300 zlotys ticket?

Oh, Spider-Woman. To what do we owe the pleasure?

I have something that you've dreamed about.

How could you know what I've been dreaming about?

About sex with Mała, but without company?

Sound right?

- Are you subletting your room? - No.

I happen to have full access to a place where you can get peace and quiet,

and the two of you can have sex.

It's for Sleeping Beauty too.

In fact, it's a proposition for the whole dorm.

Sixty-nine. Remember that number.

Full discretion.

Lots of room here.

It's well-kept and always stays clean.

And neighbors who don't mind the noise.

Look. It's even got some art.

That's the least convincing part.

- What's the catch here? - No catch at all.

PADRE PIO

And this? [scoffs]

- What's all this stuff? - That? Nothing.

- The wires are gone. You can trust me. - Something's not right.

Okay.

There is one catch.

It's painless.

Post-sex, you'll get asked just a couple questions.

Yeah, like what?

For example, if you liked it.

Let's say for fun that I did enjoy it.

That's all you need?

Just the start.

Okay, I have enough fliers.

We can't squeeze through here.

- Let's try the back door. - Mm.

[man] Where are you ladies going?

- Just let us in. - You can't go through there.

Why not? Everyone else has been going through.

They must have seen us entering without a ticket.

Why not? When we see such pretty asses, we have to react immediately.

Stop fooling around, Natalia. Let's go.

[Natalia] Excuse me.

Paulina?

- [woman] You need help with that? - [man] No, thank you…

Brief wasn't clear enough?

What?

I'm asking you, soldier. You get the brief that said we're doing the police thing?

No, I got no brief.

Fuck. I sent it to everybody. My email must be fucked up.

Fuck it. He's still in uniform.

[romantic music playing]

Do you fancy a lollipop? [giggles]

We have penises and vaginas.

Penises are apple, pomegranate and my favorite, watermelon.

Uh, vaginas are apple, pomegranate and kiwi.

Kiwis not the best one. It stings the throat.

Delicious.

[funky beat playing]

[men howling]

[men howling]

[man groaning]

[men moaning]

Officer, what are you doing here?

Managing…

a huge…

order for the…

the army.

People are bored of simply looking at the 3D world.

It can get old. [chuckles]

Let's admit, as human beings, we get bored very quickly.

I'm sure you agree.

Fortunately, technology grows the fastest in the entertainment industry,

- so there's nothing to worry about. - [Natalia] It's the military.

Excuse me?

Technology grows the fastest in the military sector.

Oh, really?

- Thank you for the update. - Of course.

Now, since you are clearly such an expert in this,

why don't you try out our latest equipment yourself?

[laughs] No, thank you. Not my thing.

So what are you doing here?

[funky beat playing]

All right.

- [waves crashing] - [romantic music playing]

Hmm.

[laughing]

- I think I've had enough. - [chuckles]

You haven't seen the best part yet.

[quick tempo music playing]

[sighing]

[panting]

[laughter]

No, I don't want this! Take this thing off me!

Take it off.

- [thudding] - [gasps]

[funky beat playing]

[gentle music playing]

ORGASM, VIBRATOR, LUBRICANT

TYPE OF ORGASM

EROGENOUS ZONES

DAY OF THE MENSTRUAL CYCLE

POSITION

EXTERNAL FACTORS

- Where am I? - [Adam] The expo.

- I'll call an ambulance. - No, I'll just go home.

- It's really okay, Natalia. - I need to get home.

Sit. I'll fetch you water.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Mm, you're the one who invited us.

You came for me?

Huh?

No, I don't…

Then for what?

The project I'm doing.

You keep going on about it like a robot, but you don't wanna say what for.

It's a... I have to win a competition with a start-up to get a grant.

Nowadays, people only want sex. That's why I'm doing a project about sex.

Where'd you get the idea that all people want is sex?

- Never mind, I'll never make the app now. - Why not?

Obviously, because I don't really get what it's about.

[laughs] Nobody here gets it.

But they all try, each in their own way.

Not all sex looks like that.

Sometimes people don't realize all they need is truly each other.

I don't think it's that simple.

Sometimes it is just that simple.

I need to go home.

Hey! Are you lost?

- [Paulina] Uh, no, uh, listen… - Lilith.

- Lilith. - Is your name Lilith?

No.

Um, my name is…

Um, Paula.

Hey, Paula.

Do you need a guide here or do you explore new places on your own?

I was needing…

water.

[laughs] I'll get you water and something extra. Um, this.

This.

- And this too. - [buzzing]

- Something else, um… - Water?

- Ah, water. - [both chuckle]

You like it?

- Mm-hm. - When do you open?

I guess…

open now.

Finally, girls in the dorm have a safe place for handling private matters.

The name is a mouthful.

[funky beat playing]

You're right.

Tell them they should visit…

the Copulatorium.

[laughter]

It's the beginning.

Of a beautiful adventure.

- It's over. - What?

Done with sex now.

- You mean app stuff? - Yes. It's not for me.

I'm sick of penises, vibrators, vaginas and constantly talking about them.

I'm done with everything.

I can't make it on my own.

But we'll help you make it, right? Right?

It's not about you. I just don't want to.

Get some rest. You'll change your mind.

[sighs] Let's go home. Adam will drive us.

Mm, I'll leave later.

- You sure? - [Paulina] Mm-hm.

That was a long day. I should walk home.

[Natalia] Okay.

- So, you wanna go? - Mm-hm.

[gentle music playing]

- I'm sorry. - What for?

[sighs] You were there because of me, so…

It's good, now I'm disillusioned.

[Adam sighs]

Maybe we'll…

some day meet somewhere other than my workplace?

Oh, sure.

For what?

Mm, meeting just for meeting's sake?

Uh-huh.

You never act without a reason?

No.

[chuckles]

But I would be willing to try it.

That's super.

♪ Never ♪

♪ Never ♪

♪ But I could… ♪

[woman] This one has a new suction feature.

Our product can cling onto your clit so tight,

it will create a vacuum around it.

The result is,

- [vibrating] - your orgasm becomes even fuller

with a partner or no partner.

- Oh, uh… - Don't worry about it.

I'll pick it up. I'll pick it up

[camera clicking]

[camera clicking continues]

I don't care why you're here. I don't know you or where you came from.

But if I ever see you near my fiancée,

I will find you and I'll kill you.

Understand me?

Understood, yeah.

Have a good day.

[melancholy music playing]

[door closes]

Mariusz?

You awake?

- [woman] Bring a condom? - [man] Three.

[woman] That's so sweet, but you only need the one.

[man] It's not a quick shag under the sheets

when your roommate's on the bed next to you.

- The Copulatorium means serious fucking. - [woman] Yes, please.

[funky beat playing]

Hey! Wait your turn!

What's going on here?

Some girl opened a shagging spot, so we're waiting our turn.

What girl did it?

[woman] I don't know. I heard about it from a friend.

- You again? We still have 15 minutes. - Come with me!

- [Natalia] What was that? - I opened the Copulatorium.

What?

You said you wanted the girls to masturbate,

and asking random women to do it in a lab with wires is really disturbing.

Asking them to have sex in pairs is better?

You're not asking anyone. The dorm inhabitants need it.

We have built something that people really want.

I don't agree. I'm done with sex! It's over!

It's just beginning.

- No. - Me and that girl…

[moaning]

over there, we both disagree.

It doesn't matter now.

Your idea is sensational.

- It isn't. - It is. You can't do it all alone.

If we're helping them have sex not for our research,

we're running a brothel!

It's all been thought out. By myself.

It's working.

Finally, I came up with something that works.

[moaning continues]

[moaning grows louder]

♪ If you're going to look at me While I pleasure myself ♪

♪ I want to look at you ♪

[closing theme music playing]