Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Hi, baby. Have you seen Lydia?

Yeah, she just wandered into the archives.

Tsk. I hate to see her wandering around

in the condition she's in.

Yeah, I heard.

Frank dumped her?

Frank? That was last week.

Norman dumped her this morning.

LARRY: Uh, Lydia.

I heard about Frank... Oh.

I know it's been a rough week for you. Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine! (CHUCKLES)

I don't know why everybody's so upset about this.

Men are like buses.

If you miss one, there'll be another one around in a minute.

Three, two, one.

(WAILING)

I've been through this with her before.

Cousin, I did it!

I figured out a way to make Miss Lydia feel better.

That's cute.

Cousin, flowers are nice,

but they don't keep you warm at night.

I got her a man.

Whoa, wait a minute! Wait a minute! No, no.

No, no, no, no.

Balki, finding Lydia a man is none of your business.

Well, technically, that's true.

Matchmaking is actually my mama's business.

But, I used to do her books.

Your mama was a matchmaker? Still is.

For six generations, Mypos has depended

on the Bartokomous family for matchmaking.

In fact, our house was fondly referred

to as the "love connection".

Well, well, who is this guy? I...

It's not somebody you just met on the street, is it?

Well, of course not! Don't be ridiculous!

I met him across the street in the diner.

just to meet, just to talk, just to have a look-see.

Thanks, Harriette, I'm all right now.

Bye, boys! Have a nice weekend!

I have found the perfect man for you.

Uh, his, his name is Jack and, uh, he's tall,

he's good-looking, and get this,

he don't spit when he talks.

Lydia, I'm afraid Balki has been playing matchmaker for you.

I tried to tell him it was a mistake.

Oh, Balki.

I've been thinking, I'm doing okay.

I've got friends, a nationally syndicated column

I have a little money. Okay, I've got a ton of money.

The last thing I need in my life is a man.

Balki! Jack!

Hi, how are you?

Good, good. Good.

And, Lydia, this is the Jack that I told you about.

You're Lydia?

You're not at all what I expected. Oh.

You see, I read your column every single day

and the advice you give your readers is so wise,

so obviously born from experience,

that I didn't expect someone quite so young.

You didn't?

Listen, Jack, I'm sorry if Balki's caused you

any inconvenience, but Lydia's decided...

Shut up, Larry.

So, you read my column?

Yes, every day.

Now, I hope this doesn't sound forward,

but would you have dinner with me later?

I haven't eaten anything all day

due to a minor trauma in my life.

I'm starved!

Bye, boys!

(SIGHING)

Well, another Bartokomous match.

Over 3000 served.

This may be worth a photograph in Mama's brochure.

Balki, you are quite a matchmaker.

So tell me something I don't know.

Was that Jack Colby with Lydia in the parking lot?

Mr. Gorpley, you know Mr. Colby?

Only by reputation.

And what is his reputation?

Well, the guy dresses for success,

but he's never worked a day in his life.

He charms women into giving him cash, clothes and cars

and then he kisses them goodbye.

He's been married four times and he's got two,

count 'em, two ex-wives paying him alimony.

The man's a gigolo!

Yeah. He's my hero.

Oh, cousin, I've dropped Miss Lydia

in some deep babasticki.

Still no answer?

Miss Lydia's been gone all weekend!

I never should have practiced matchmaking

with only a learner's permit.

Cousin, what if Jack has already tricked her and...

and broken her heart?

All right, Balki. Balki, stop it. Stop it!

That's enough. Now, relax. Deep breaths!

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

All right, Balki.

Listen, listen.

Lydia's not stupid.

I bet she went out with this guy and realized

right away he was only after her money.

She'll probably come through that door

a sadder but wiser woman.

* Day-O

* Day-O

* Daylight come and me wanna go home *

Miss Lydia, we've been calling you all weekend.

Where have you been?

Jamaica.

(GIGGLES) With Jack.

Jamaica?

Well, we were, but after we left here Friday

we realized we were muy simpatico.

Oh, Balki, I just don't know how to thank you.

Well, you may wanna hold off on that.

Uh, Lydia, listen.

Uh, I know this is gonna hurt, but there are a few things

you should know about Jack. Number one...

He's been married four times. You know about that?

Oh, of course I do! He told me everything.

Did he tell you that two of his ex-wives are paying him abalony?

That is alimony.

And he feels terrible about it.

Um, Miss Lydia, now, now, uh,

as your friends we just want to

encourage you to find out

what kind of person Jack is

before you get too serious about him.

(SCOFFS)

We are way beyond serious.

We're getting married Saturday!

Married? Mmm-hmm.

Saturday?

Oh, I knew you'd be thrilled.

Don't be late.

Oh, Balki, thanks again!

I never would have met Jack without you!

Oh, God!

* Come, Mister Tally Man tally me banana *

Cousin, I have ruined Miss Lydia's life.

and it's all my fault.

According to the

matchmaker's code, I must

now forever deny myself smoked meat.

Well, wait a minute, Balki.

Don't do anything drastic.

We'll think of something. What, cousin?

She won't listen to reason. I know.

So we'll have to show her that

Jack will go after any woman with money.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Cousin, aren't you coming?

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Cousin, usually your plans are a bust,

but tonight your bust is the plan.

Where do I come up with them?

This wasn't my plan.

Well, cousin, we have to convince Lydia

that Jack is only after her money, not her body.

And I think we both agreed that

I looked a little bit too much like Sophia Loren.

Come on, let's go.

(GRUNTS)

I told you to wear flats.

I don't think so.

Now, come on. Dance me over to Jack.

Is that when you're gonna put the moves on him?

No, I'm not gonna put the moves on him.

I-I'm just going to drop subtle hints

about how incredibly rich and lonely I am.

Now, come on, let's dance.

Now, wait a minute.

Fine.

May I have this dance?

Charmed, I'm sure.

Oh, hi, Balki.

This is Cousin Larry's aunt.

Cousin Larry isn't feeling well

and Cousin Larry's aunt was visiting.

So I asked Cousin Larry's aunt to come.

I'm Lydia Markham and this is my fiance, Jack Colby.

Desiree Appleton.

So nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

You can call her Desi.

So, Desi, what brings you to Chicago?

Oh, well, I'm taking a trip around the world

to inspect my late husband's hotels and casinos.

Aunt Desi's late and very dead husband

was also a very successful shipping maggot.

Excuse me? Magnate.

Shipping magnate. Magnate!

Fascinating.

our other guests, so excuse me.

Well, certainly.

Bye-bye, Lydia. Bye.

Cousin, you're dyin' over here.

and maybe show a little thigh.

Forget it.

I only shave to the knee.

It's a nice party, huh?

Yes, it's delightful.

Larry?

Harriette, I can explain this. Hey!

I don't know what you're doin' and I don't wanna know.

Cousin, this chocolate mouse is to die for!

You've got to try it! No, I can't, Balki.

Not if I want to stay a size ten.

Well, hello again.

Oh, Jack! Oh, look, it's Jack.

So, uh, Desiree, how long are you in town for?

A week. A week and a month. A month.

Five weeks altogether.

Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet.

She must go to Vegas five, six times a year.

In fact, she loves Vegas so much

she's thinking of buying it!

Balki. But, before she does that

she's got to think about selling Atlantic City.

You know, there was this one time where we were talking about...

Ow.

Would you get me a glass of water?

Well, sure, you can have mine, I haven't touched it.

Where was I? Oh, there was an interesting moment once when she...

Would you get me a glass of water

from a well?

Oh! Right, right.

Aunt Desi loves her well water

and "well" she should.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, yes.

Where does he come up with them?

Hors d'ouvres? Well, yes, of course. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You'll, you'll have to forgive Balki.

Well, he's a dear really, but, uh,

he's a little awkward around me.

Probably because I'm so unbelievably wealthy.

Well, you're very fortunate that

your husband left you so well taken care of.

But I think Lydia's the fortunate one. She has you.

Well, thank you.

Well, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

It's just that, you know, I've always thought if I,

if I found the right person, my life would be perfect.

Someone to whisper sweet nothings in my ear,

to exchange a knowing glance with.

Someone to walk hand in hand through

the many shopping centers and retail outlets I own.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Excuse me.

(EXHALES) What's a woman gotta do?

Desiree! Oh! Oh, Jack!

Desiree, I can't stand it any longer! I can't resist you!

Oh, Jack, what on earth are you talking about?

I'm talking about us!

And just hearing you talk about whispering sweet nothings,

knowing glances and taking long walks,

I realized that you were whispering to me

and glancing at me, and walking with me.

Sweetheart.

Oh, Jack. Yes.

Sweetheart, let's run away tonight and get married.

No! No! No, no.

Well, what about Lydia? Who?

Lydia. Oh, her. Forget her.

She's a child. You're a woman!

No! No! No, no.

We can't begin our life together until

I'm sure it's over between you two.

I'll phone her from Vegas. No! No, no.

You have to tell her now!

Of course.

(SIGHS) Oh.

BALKI: Cousin? (GASPS)

It's working!

Cousin, that's great!

Jack took the bait.

That's how we fish on Mypos.

Oh, Jack! There you are.

Um, attention, everyone!

Jack and I have an announcement to make.

Tell them, Jack.

Jack, be gentle.

I will.

Lydia, you're history.

I'm marrying somebody else.

What is this?

Dump Lydia Month?

but then I met Desiree and I discovered what real love is.

Desiree?

This Desiree?

Hey, stuff happens!

You're leaving me for a woman you just met?

No, Miss Lydia.

No problem.

We'll find the best psychiatrist that money can buy.

Lydia, the wedding's back on!

Let's make our announcement.

Just one minute, you Jell-O mold.

Gigolo.

You goldfinger! Gold digger.

You old-timer!

Two-timer.

Just who do you think you are?

Some kind of Don Juan Johnson?

Well, I have a hot flash dance for you.

Miss Lydia's been dumped by better men than you

and that was just this week!

She is a wonderful person, and a snappy little dresser.

And you are not worthy to spit on the ground she walks on.

So hit the road, Jack!

And I mean maybe!

Do you want me to go?

Not just yet.

Now, you can go.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Miss Lydia, are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

No big deal.

Men are like freeway exits.

If you miss one, there's another one down the road.

Eat! Drink! Be merry!

(CHUCKLES)

BOTH: Three, two, one.

(SOBBING)

It's okay. It's all right.

What a night!

Cousin, Miss Lydia's lucky to have a friend like you.

By the end of the evening, you had her

laughing out of the palm of your hand.

Well, I hope you learned your lesson!

Why, cousin, I did! Oh, I did!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

if you wanted to go get some coffee.

I, I should have called first.