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1
00:00:05,367 --> 00:00:07,534
( blows whistle )
2
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,634
- ( grunts )
- ( woman screams )
3
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:22,267
( blowing whistle )
4
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,200
( phone ringing )
5
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:29,634
UH, PARDON ME.
I WONDER IF YOU
WOULD MIND
6
00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:31,634
WORKING ON THAT SHOE
FOR A WHILE.
7
00:00:31,634 --> 00:00:34,333
( phone continues ringing )
8
00:00:38,068 --> 00:00:41,467
THIS IS SMART,
MAXWELL SMART,
AGENT 86.
9
00:00:41,467 --> 00:00:43,600
86, REPORT TO HEADQUARTERS
IMMEDIATELY.
10
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,567
JUST A MINUTE.
WHO IS THIS?
11
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:48,467
THIS IS THE CHIEF.
WHO ELSE WOULD BE CALLING
YOU ON YOUR SHOE?
12
00:00:48,467 --> 00:00:51,267
YES, WELL, YOU CAN'T BE
TOO CAREFUL.
13
00:00:51,267 --> 00:00:53,367
WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME
THE DAY'S PASSWORD?
14
00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:56,168
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, MAX.
THERE'S NO TIME FOR--
15
00:00:56,168 --> 00:00:58,801
I'M AFRAID
YOU'LL HAVE TO FURTHER
IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
16
00:00:58,801 --> 00:01:01,101
I'M TELLING YOU, MAX,
THIS IS THE CHIEF.
17
00:01:01,101 --> 00:01:03,434
WELL, IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME
THE DAY'S PASSWORD,
18
00:01:03,434 --> 00:01:06,500
I'LL ACCEPT
THE COUNTERSIGN OR TODAY'S
SECRET CODE NUMBER.
19
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,267
MY LIFE MAY
DEPEND ON IT.
20
00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:11,034
GET IN HERE, MAX,
OR I'LL PERSONALLY
TEAR YOU APART!
21
00:01:11,034 --> 00:01:13,034
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME, CHIEF.
22
00:01:13,034 --> 00:01:14,734
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
23
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,233
EXCUSE ME.
I'M IN A HURRY.
24
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:29,367
( theme music playing )
25
00:02:24,534 --> 00:02:26,867
- 86, I'VE GOT A NEW
ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
26
00:02:26,867 --> 00:02:29,734
- IT'S A KIDNAPPING CASE.
- OH, GOOD. WHO DO YOU
WANT ME TO KIDNAP?
27
00:02:29,734 --> 00:02:31,901
NO, MAX.
I WANT YOU TO PREVENT
A KIDNAPPING.
28
00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:38,200
IN THE LAST 10 DAYS
EIGHT BLONDES HAVE
BEEN ABDUCTED
29
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,534
IN WASHINGTON
FROM THIS AREA.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?
30
00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:43,567
WELL, IT'S EITHER
A CONSPIRACY
31
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:45,901
OR SOME GUY'S GOT
A PRETTY WEIRD HOBBY.
32
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,467
THESE ARE THE GIRLS.
ALL OF THEM WERE
REGISTERED
33
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:52,467
AT THE HOTEL CRAMLEY.
NOW, WE HAVE
ONE CLUE--
34
00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:56,068
ORIENTALS HAVE BEEN
OBSERVED AT THE SCENE
OF EACH KIDNAPPING.
35
00:02:58,068 --> 00:02:59,701
86, ARE YOU
LISTENING TO ME?
36
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:02,101
HMM? OH, YES.
YES, OF COURSE, CHIEF.
37
00:03:02,101 --> 00:03:04,934
WE SUSPECT THE ORIENTAL
ARM OF KAOS MAY
BE INVOLVED.
38
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:08,634
MM-HMM, KAOS,
THE INTERNATIONAL
ORGANIZATION OF EVIL.
39
00:03:08,634 --> 00:03:10,467
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW LISTEN
CAREFULLY.
40
00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:11,901
- MAX!
- HMM?
41
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:14,934
PRINCESS INGRID
OF SCANDINAVIA IS
VISITING WASHINGTON.
42
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:17,934
SHE'S STAYING
AT THE HOTEL CRAMLEY
AND SHE'S A BLONDE.
43
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:20,634
- ANY QUESTIONS SO FAR?
- UH, YES.
44
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:23,567
COULD I SEE #4 AGAIN?
45
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:27,667
THE PRINCESS IS
TRAVELING INCOGNITO
46
00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:29,667
BECAUSE SHE WANTS
TO AVOID NEWSPAPERMEN
47
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,667
AND SECURITY AGENTS.
48
00:03:31,667 --> 00:03:33,467
BUT WE'VE GOT
TO PROTECT HER!
49
00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:35,267
OH, YOU'RE AFRAID
50
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:38,534
THAT SHE'LL BE
KIDNAPPED, RIGHT?
51
00:03:38,534 --> 00:03:41,333
THERE'S A NATO MEETING
ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE
IN HER COUNTRY.
52
00:03:41,333 --> 00:03:43,267
IF ANYTHING
SHOULD HAPPEN TO HER,
53
00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:46,200
OUR GOVERNMENT'S POSITION
WOULD BE SERIOUSLY
COMPROMISED.
54
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,734
NOW LET ME GET
TO THE REASON I'M
PUTTING YOU ON THIS CASE.
55
00:03:49,734 --> 00:03:52,701
YOUR FOLDER
IS RIGHT HERE.
LET ME SEE...
56
00:03:52,701 --> 00:03:55,901
SALZMANN, SAXON,
SCHWARTZ--
57
00:03:55,901 --> 00:03:58,134
SCHWARTZ?THAT'S--
HE'S A REAL GO-GETTER.
58
00:03:58,134 --> 00:04:01,034
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF,
I CAN HANDLE THIS JOB.
59
00:04:01,034 --> 00:04:03,400
REMEMBER HOW I HANDLED
MY LAST TWO ASSIGNMENTS?
60
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,801
SEND IN SCHWARTZ.
61
00:04:10,101 --> 00:04:13,400
SCHWARTZ IN RANGOON?
WHAT'S HE DOING THERE?
62
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,333
OH, HE IS BEING HELD PRISONER.
WELL, ANYWAY, HE'S
ON THE JOB.
63
00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:19,001
OKAY, SMART...
64
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,233
LET'S SEE...
65
00:04:21,233 --> 00:04:24,534
OH, YES, THIS IS
WHY WE PUT YOU
ON THIS CASE.
66
00:04:24,534 --> 00:04:26,734
FIVE YEARS AGO, WHEN
THE PRINCESS'S FATHER SPOKE
67
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,734
AT THE UNITED NATIONS,
YOU SAVED HIS LIFE.
68
00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:31,434
OH, THAT PRINCESS INGRID!
69
00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:33,667
OF COURSE, YES.
70
00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:35,600
SHE KNOWS YOU
AND SHE TRUSTS YOU.
71
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,400
I'M PUTTING HER SAFETY
IN YOUR HANDS.
72
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,068
YOU WON'T
REGRET IT, CHIEF.
73
00:04:39,068 --> 00:04:41,134
NOW I'VE WRITTEN
THE LOCATION OF
YOUR CONTACTS
74
00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:43,801
ON THIS PIECE OF PAPER.
BE SURE TO DESTROY IT.
75
00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:46,434
RIGHT, CHIEF.
76
00:04:46,434 --> 00:04:48,434
NO NO NO, MAX!
77
00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:50,667
FIRST MEMORIZE IT,
THEN DESTROY IT.
78
00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:52,500
I'M SORRY, CHIEF.
79
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,500
LET'S GO SEE CARLETON
IN THE LAB.
80
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,801
HE'S GOT SOME
NEW EQUIPMENT
FOR YOU.
81
00:05:16,701 --> 00:05:19,600
UH, THIS IS
OUR NEW 27-F
CIGARETTE LIGHTER.
82
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,701
IT SIGHTS DOWN
THE WICK AND IT FIRES
A .22-CALIBER BULLET.
83
00:05:23,701 --> 00:05:25,034
- IT WHAT?
- I SAID IT...
84
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,801
...FIRES A .22-CALIBER
BULLET.
85
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,400
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
86
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:38,534
LET'S GET
ON TO SOMETHING.
87
00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:41,300
WHAT ABOUT THE NEW
WRIST COMMUNICATOR T-37?
88
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:43,534
RIGHT HERE, SIR.
89
00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:46,068
NOW, MAX, YOU'LL USE THIS
TO STAY IN CONTACT
WITH US.
90
00:05:46,068 --> 00:05:48,534
BUT, CHIEF,
I STILL HAVE
MY SHOE PHONE.
91
00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:52,068
TURN IN YOUR SHOES, MAX.
I THINK THE WRIST COMMUNICATOR
WILL BE MORE EFFECTIVE.
92
00:05:52,068 --> 00:05:56,500
GEE WHIZ, CHIEF,
I STILL HAVE 60 MESSAGE
UNITS LEFT THIS MONTH.
93
00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:59,467
WE'VE DEVELOPED
A NEW PAIR OF SHOES
IN THE LAB, 86.
94
00:06:00,967 --> 00:06:04,267
NOTICE THE
STEEL-ENFORCED TOES
FOR KICKING?
95
00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:06,934
AND INSIDE THE HEELS
THERE ARE SECRET
COMPARTMENTS
96
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,967
CONTAINING OUR LATEST
EMERGENCY PELLETS.
97
00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:12,634
CAN I SEE IT
IN A 10?
98
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:14,567
SHOW HIM THE PELLETS,
CARLETON.
99
00:06:16,134 --> 00:06:19,267
IN THE LEFT
HEEL COMPARTMENT
THERE ARE TWO PELLETS.
100
00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:21,267
THE SMALLER ONE
IS A CONCUSSION PELLET.
101
00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:23,867
NOW IF IT'S THROWN
UP AGAINST SOMETHING
OR ACTIVATED BY HEAT,
102
00:06:23,867 --> 00:06:26,168
IT WILL BLOW
A 10-BY-15 ROOM
TO SMITHEREENS.
103
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:29,967
NOW, MAX, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS LARGER PILL
IS FOR?
104
00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:32,200
LARGER ROOMS.
105
00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:39,434
MAX, KAOS DOES HAVE WAYS
OF MAKING A MAN TALK.
106
00:06:39,434 --> 00:06:41,600
IF YOU ARE CAPTURED
AND IF IT LOOKS
REALLY TOUGH,
107
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,333
THIS MAY BE YOUR ONE ACE
IN THE HOLE.
108
00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:46,901
THIS PILL WHEN SWALLOWED
WILL BRING PAINLESS DEATH
109
00:06:46,901 --> 00:06:48,767
IN ABOUT 20 SECONDS.
110
00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:52,300
- ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?
- HOW DO I GET THEM
TO TAKE IT?
111
00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:56,467
LET'S GET ON
TO THE NEXT PELLET.
112
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:00,500
THIS--
113
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:03,300
THIS PELLET CONTAINS
A VERY VOLATILE LIQUID.
114
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,300
WHEN ACTIVATED,
IT PRODUCES A THICK
115
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,701
PROTECTIVE SMOKE SCREEN.
116
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:11,068
NOW I'M ASSIGNING
AGENT 99 TO ACCOMPANY YOU
ON THIS ONE, MAX.
117
00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:13,233
THE PRINCESS
HAS A REPUTATION OF BEING
A LITTLE BIT WILD
118
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:16,001
AND I THINK IT'LL TAKE
BOTH OF YOU TO WATCH HER
AND KEEP HER OUT OF TROUBLE.
119
00:07:16,001 --> 00:07:17,500
I'M RARING TO GO,
CHIEF,
120
00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:19,101
JUST AS SOON AS I GET
THIS SHOE ON.
121
00:07:23,667 --> 00:07:27,467
ACTUALLY, CHIEF,
I DON'T THINK I'LL BE
NEEDING THE SMOKE PELLET.
122
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,567
( theme music plays )
123
00:07:44,034 --> 00:07:46,001
MAXWELL SMART.
124
00:07:52,168 --> 00:07:56,068
- ( knocking )
- Woman: COME RIGHT IN. IT'S OPEN.
125
00:07:57,734 --> 00:08:00,434
SHE SHOULDN'T LEAVE
HER DOOR UNLOCKED
LIKE THAT.
126
00:08:00,434 --> 00:08:02,967
- WHO IS IT?
- UH, AN OLD FRIEND.
127
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:05,834
I'LL BE THEREIN A MOMENT.
128
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:08,333
HEY, YOU KNOW
THE PRINCESS ALREADY,
DON'T YOU, MAX?
129
00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:10,267
YES, I MET HER
FIVE YEARS AGO.
130
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:12,801
SHE WAS A SWEET
FRECKLED-FACED
15-YEAR-OLD KID.
131
00:08:12,801 --> 00:08:15,701
- WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T
WANT TO GO WITH US?
- DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, 99.
132
00:08:15,701 --> 00:08:18,101
- WHY WOULDN'T SHE
WANT TO GO WITH US?
- MAXIE!
133
00:08:18,101 --> 00:08:20,734
MAXIE, DARLING!
134
00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:26,101
INGRID?
135
00:08:28,034 --> 00:08:31,400
( chuckles )
ISN'T SHE SWEET?
SHE HASN'T CHANGED A BIT.
136
00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:35,233
SHE MUST HAVE BEEN
SOME 15-YEAR-OLD.
137
00:08:35,233 --> 00:08:37,634
UH, AHEM, PRINCESS,
UH...
138
00:08:37,634 --> 00:08:39,600
I WANT YOU
TO MEET AGENT 99.
139
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,034
WE'VE BEEN
ASSIGNED TO ESCORT YOU
AROUND WASHINGTON.
140
00:08:42,034 --> 00:08:43,934
- WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO TAKE ME?
- UH, YES, WELL,
141
00:08:43,934 --> 00:08:47,367
- WE'LL GO AND SEE ALL
THE SHRINES AND MONUMENTS.
- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
142
00:08:47,367 --> 00:08:50,500
I COME TO WASHINGTON
ONCE A YEAR, AND I WANT
TO HAVE SOME FUN.
143
00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:52,734
YES, WELL, WHERE WOULD
YOU LIKE TO GO?
144
00:08:52,734 --> 00:08:54,300
- TO YOUR PLACE.
- MY PLACE.
145
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,434
WELL, THERE'S NO REAL
HISTORICAL
146
00:08:56,434 --> 00:09:00,134
- SIGNIFICANCE TO MY PLACE.
- MMM, THERE COULD BE.
147
00:09:00,134 --> 00:09:02,500
Ingrid:
I WANT TO HAVESOME FUN.
148
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,233
I'M GOING TO GO
GET MY COAT, AND THEN
I'M GOING DANCING.
149
00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:08,567
( snapping fingers )
I'M GOING TO DO THE WATUSI
AND THE WALK
150
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:12,068
AND THE SWIM
AND THE PONY.
151
00:09:13,934 --> 00:09:16,333
AHEM. YES.
WELL, 99,
152
00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:19,300
YOU'RE A WOMAN, AREN'T YOU?
WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP HER?
153
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,467
HOW ABOUT
A TRANQUILIZER?
154
00:09:21,467 --> 00:09:22,867
OH, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
155
00:09:22,867 --> 00:09:24,867
( mimicking )
WELL, MAXIE, DARLING,
156
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:27,267
I THINK YOU'VE
GOT TO SHOW HER
WHAT A SWINGER YOU ARE,
157
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:30,400
THAT YOU CAN DO
THE FRUG AND THE WATUSI
AND THE SWIM
158
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,667
- AND THE PONY--
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
JUST GIVE A GOOD EXAMPLE.
159
00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:35,801
BUT OF COURSE.
( hums )
160
00:09:37,867 --> 00:09:39,867
OKAY, NOW GIVE ME
A BAD EXAMPLE.
161
00:09:39,867 --> 00:09:42,300
- ( knocking )
- I'LL GET IT.
162
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:47,767
- PACKAGE FOR MISS SWENSON.
- OH, THANK YOU.
163
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:56,701
- 99!
- WHAT IS IT, MAX?
164
00:09:56,701 --> 00:09:58,767
- QUICK, COME HERE.
- Ingrid: WHAT'S THE MATTER?
165
00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:01,001
- WHAT'S
THE MATTER, MAX?
- SHH.
166
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:04,101
DON'T MAKE A MOVE,
DON'T MAKE A SOUND.
167
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,333
I DON'T KNOW
FOR SURE, PRINCESS,
168
00:10:15,333 --> 00:10:18,667
BUT I THINK
I'VE JUST SAVED...
169
00:10:20,134 --> 00:10:22,667
YOUR FLOWER.
170
00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:24,867
THEY NEED
A LOT OF WATER,
YOU KNOW.
171
00:10:26,634 --> 00:10:28,667
NOW ABOUT
OUR ITINERARY--
172
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,667
BEFORE WE GETTO THE DANCING,
173
00:10:30,667 --> 00:10:33,267
WE'RE GOING TO VISITSOME REAL SWINGINGPLACES--
174
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:36,667
the White House,the Lincoln Memorial,
175
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:40,867
Washington Monument,the Smithsonian Institute,
176
00:10:40,867 --> 00:10:44,267
and the NationalArt Gallery.
177
00:10:44,267 --> 00:10:46,267
OH, BOBO, HOW IRONIC--
178
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:48,367
OUR OLD FRIEND
MAXWELL SMART
179
00:10:48,367 --> 00:10:51,034
HAS LED US
TO OUR TARGET.
180
00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:54,200
WHAT A PLEASURE IT WILL BE
TO ELIMINATE HIM.
181
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,434
I WILL FORCE AIR BUBBLES
INTO HIS BLOODSTREAM.
182
00:10:57,434 --> 00:11:00,200
STOP STOP!
I DO NOT WANT
TO HEAR IT.
183
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,200
YOU KNOW HOW
I DETEST VIOLENCE.
184
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,101
I WILL THANK YOU TO DO
YOUR FIENDISH WORK,
185
00:11:05,101 --> 00:11:08,434
- BUT DO NOT
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- YES, MASTER.
186
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:12,333
HOW DO YOU FORCE
AIR BUBBLES INTO
THE BLOODSTREAM?
187
00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:14,801
- UH--
- NEVER MIND.
I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR.
188
00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:19,233
WE MUST CONCENTRATE
ON OUR PLAN
189
00:11:19,233 --> 00:11:20,901
WHICH HAS IMPROVED
190
00:11:20,901 --> 00:11:24,400
NOW THAT WE KNOW
THEIR FULL ITINERARY--
191
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:28,333
KIDNAP THE PRINCESS
AND...
192
00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:30,867
GET SMART.
193
00:11:38,034 --> 00:11:40,101
NO NO, MAX.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE
194
00:11:40,101 --> 00:11:42,667
ANYMORE OF YOUR SHRINES
AND MONUMENTS.
195
00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:45,801
YOU TOLD ME
YOU WOULD TAKE ME
TO SOME SWINGING PLACES.
196
00:11:45,801 --> 00:11:48,434
WELL, WE JUST SAW
THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTE.
197
00:11:48,434 --> 00:11:51,333
THAT WAS EXCITING, WASN'T IT?
MY HEART IS STILL THUMPING.
198
00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:53,467
REALLY?
LET ME FEEL.
199
00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:56,867
- STOP THAT, PRINCESS.
- YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO
FIND THE STOP THRILLING.
200
00:11:56,867 --> 00:12:00,333
- WON'T SHE, MAXIE?
- PLEASE, 99.
201
00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:02,934
WOULD YOU PLEASE
SHOW THE PRINCESS
AROUND THE ART GALLERY?
202
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:04,901
- I HAVE TO REPORT IN.
- OF COURSE.
203
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:08,200
RIGHT THIS WAY,
PRINCESS.
204
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:17,367
THIS IS 86 REPORTING IN
TO CONTROL.
205
00:12:17,367 --> 00:12:19,434
HELLO, CHIEF?
THIS IS MAX.
206
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,434
I'M AT THE NATIONAL
ART GALLERY.
207
00:12:21,434 --> 00:12:23,200
ANYTHING UNUSUAL
TO REPORT?
208
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,233
WELL, WE JUST CAME
FROM THE SMITHSONIAN
INSTITUTE
209
00:12:26,233 --> 00:12:28,834
AND WE SAW THE PLANE
"THE SPIRIT OF ST. LOUIS."
210
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:30,534
SO?
211
00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:33,168
CHIEF, WAS CHARLES
LINDBERGH CHINESE?
212
00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:35,901
OF COURSE NOT.
213
00:12:35,901 --> 00:12:38,734
THEN I THINK
WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED.
214
00:12:38,734 --> 00:12:40,734
OVER AND OUT.
215
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,801
REALLY, MAX, THIS TOUR
IS INTOLERABLE.
216
00:12:49,801 --> 00:12:52,667
THE DAY IS NEARLY GONE
AND WE HAVEN'T HAD
ANYFUN.
217
00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:54,034
ALLOW ME, PRINCESS.
218
00:12:56,300 --> 00:13:00,267
WONDERFUL, MAXIE.
AT LAST SOME
EXCITEMENT.
219
00:13:00,267 --> 00:13:03,101
99, PUT PLAN 49-K
INTO EFFECT IMMEDIATELY.
220
00:13:03,101 --> 00:13:05,233
- THAT'S 49-K.
- RIGHT, 86.
221
00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:06,967
- MAX?
- HELLO CONTROL,
HELLO CONTROL?
222
00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:08,567
- 99?
- YES, 86?
223
00:13:08,567 --> 00:13:11,600
- WHAT IS PLAN 49-K?
- I TAKE THE SUBJECT
TO MY APARTMENT
224
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,600
- AND DON'T LET HER
OUT OF MY SIGHT.
- RIGHT.
225
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,367
- THIS IS AGENT 99,
AGENT 99--
- 99?
226
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:18,567
- YES, 86?
- WHAT DO I DO?
227
00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:20,467
- YOU FOLLOW THE SUSPECT.
- RIGHT.
228
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,233
CONDITION RED.
229
00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:24,068
COME ON, PRINCESS.
230
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:28,567
THE OLD
PICTURE-IN-THE-KEYHOLE
TRICK.
231
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:31,901
THAT'S TWICE
THIS MONTH.
232
00:14:31,901 --> 00:14:35,600
A SIMPLE TRICK,
BUT EFFECTIVE ENOUGH
TO MAKE YOU OUR PRISONER.
233
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,367
NOT QUITE YET,
MY FRIEND.
234
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:39,434
IF HE SHOOTS ME,
I SHOOT YOU.
235
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:41,168
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
BOBO.
236
00:14:43,134 --> 00:14:45,600
INGENIOUS, ISN'T IT,
MR. SMART?
237
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,767
IT'S ACTS LIKE THAT
THAT KILLED VAUDEVILLE.
238
00:14:49,834 --> 00:14:52,667
VERY AMUSING,
MR. SMART.
239
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:55,101
I SUPPOSE YOU CAN GUESS
WHAT THEY CALL ME.
240
00:14:55,101 --> 00:14:56,967
LEFTY?
241
00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:58,901
NO, MR. SMART.
242
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:00,901
I AM EMPLOYED
BY KAOS,
243
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,200
THE INTERNATIONAL
ORGANIZATION OF EVIL.
244
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,101
( Chinese accent )
MY NAME IS THE CLAW.
245
00:15:05,101 --> 00:15:08,634
- THE CRAW?
- NO, NOT "THE CRAW."
246
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:11,801
- THE CLAW.
- OH, YES, "THE CRAW."
247
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:13,867
PERHAPS YOU WOULD
TELL ME, MR. CRAW,
248
00:15:13,867 --> 00:15:16,701
WHAT YOU'VE DONE
WITH ALL THOSE BLONDES
YOU'VE KIDNAPPED.
249
00:15:16,701 --> 00:15:20,034
THEY ARE ALL
PERFECTLY SAFE,
MR. SMART.
250
00:15:20,034 --> 00:15:23,233
ACTUALLY,
THE ONLY GIRL WE WANT
IS PRINCESS INGRID.
251
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:25,367
THEN WHY DID YOU
ABDUCT THE OTHERS?
252
00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:28,233
UNFORTUNATELY,
MR. SMART,
253
00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:30,400
ALL AMERICANS
LOOK ALIKE TO US.
254
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:34,600
WE MAY BE DIABOLICAL,
BUT WE ARE NOT
PERFECT.
255
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,068
BOBO.
256
00:15:37,068 --> 00:15:40,434
AND NOW, MR. SMART,
YOU WILL TELL US THE
PRINCESS'S WHEREABOUTS.
257
00:15:40,434 --> 00:15:43,034
NO, MY FRIEND,
YOU WILL NEVER GET
YOUR CRAWS ON HER.
258
00:15:43,034 --> 00:15:45,500
NO NO NO,
NOT CRAWS, CRAWS.
259
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:49,667
- ( clicks )
- OH, YES, OF COURSE,
"CRAWS."
260
00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:53,267
I SUPPOSE YOU THINK
YOU'VE GOT ME BURIED
IN THIS BACKROOM
261
00:15:53,267 --> 00:15:55,867
IN THIS BUILDING
ON COMMONWEALTH AND
EIGHTH STREETS.
262
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:59,333
HAVE ALL MOBILE UNITS
STAND BY FOR MY INSTRUCTIONS.
263
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,333
NOT EIGHTH STREET,
MR. SMART,
264
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:03,967
- "F" STREET.
- OH, YES, "F" STREET.
265
00:16:05,233 --> 00:16:06,734
The Claw:
And it's "Crover" Avenue.
266
00:16:06,734 --> 00:16:09,867
"CROVER" AVENUE.
UH, CLOVER.
267
00:16:09,867 --> 00:16:11,701
OH, THAT MUST BE
NEAR NINTH AND DELAWARE?
268
00:16:11,701 --> 00:16:14,667
- ONLY IF YOU TAKE
THE CUTOFF AT EXIT 4.
- OH, EXIT 4.
269
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:16,734
- That must be under the overpass.
- No no no--
270
00:16:16,734 --> 00:16:19,934
- over the underpass.
- Over the underpass.
271
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:23,367
OVER THE UNDERPASS.
GOOD, THAT'S ALL
WE NEED TO KNOW.
272
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:25,767
INDEED IT IS,
MR. SMART.
273
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:28,267
YOUR CHIEF
WILL NEVER FIND YOU
WITH THOSE DIRECTIONS.
274
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:30,400
AND NOW YOU WILL
TELL US THE LOCATION
OF THE PRINCESS.
275
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:34,434
- NEVER!
- I HAVE A WAY TO LOOSEN
YOUR TONGUE, MR. SMART.
276
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:36,367
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF THE CHINESE
277
00:16:36,367 --> 00:16:38,967
BAMBOO-STALKS-
UNDER-THE-FINGERNAILS
TORTURE?
278
00:16:38,967 --> 00:16:42,267
NO.SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
279
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,600
YOU PLACE CHINESE
BAMBOO STALKS
280
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,634
- UNDER THE FINGERNAILS.
- UNDER THE FINGERNAILS.
281
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:47,101
- YES, I REMEMBER NOW.
- BOBO, EXECUTE
282
00:16:47,101 --> 00:16:48,967
THE CHINESE BAMBOO-STALK-
FINGERNAIL TORTURE.
283
00:16:50,168 --> 00:16:52,901
( screams )
HIM, YOU FOOL,
284
00:16:52,901 --> 00:16:54,901
NOT ME.
285
00:16:54,901 --> 00:16:56,867
AND DON'T IMAGINE
YOUR CRIES OF PAIN
286
00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:58,867
WILL BRING ASSISTANCE,
MR. SMART!
287
00:16:58,867 --> 00:17:01,567
THE ACTIVITIES OF OUR
SHANGHAI A-GO-GO
DISCOTHEQUE
288
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:04,400
- ARE JUST
GETTING STARTED.
- ( dance music playing )
289
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:08,034
IN ADDITION TO PROVIDING
A USEFUL FRONT TO OUR
ORGANIZATION,
290
00:17:08,034 --> 00:17:12,500
THAT RAUCOUS SOUND
WILL SMOTHER YOUR
CRIES FOR HELP.
291
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:14,267
( music stops )
292
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:18,333
MR. SMART,
ONE LAST APPEAL
TO REASON--
293
00:17:18,333 --> 00:17:21,901
I DO NOT CARE
FOR TORTURE.
294
00:17:21,901 --> 00:17:24,567
MUST YOU BE SO
STUBBORN?
295
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:27,467
I'D LIKE A CHANCE
TO THINK THIS OVER.
DO YOU MIND IF I SMOKE?
296
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:29,834
OH, NOT AT ALL.
297
00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:32,168
- TAKE YOUR TIME.
- THANK YOU.
298
00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:43,467
THESE THINGS
NEVER WORK.
299
00:17:43,467 --> 00:17:45,267
YOUR TIME IS UP.
300
00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:48,034
WELL, I'M AFRAID I HAVE
NOTHING TO TELL YOU,
MR. CRAW.
301
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:51,534
THEN FOR MY FIRST TORTURE
PLEASE REMOVE YOUR SHOES.
302
00:17:51,534 --> 00:17:53,467
MY SHOES?
303
00:17:56,801 --> 00:18:00,068
YES, OF COURSE, I'D BE GLAD
TO REMOVE MY SHOES.
304
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:04,233
YOU ARE FORCING ME
TO DO THIS, MR. SMART.
305
00:18:09,867 --> 00:18:14,168
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THE BAMBOO-STALKS-UNDER-
THE-FINGERNAIL TORTURE?
306
00:18:14,168 --> 00:18:15,834
I KIND OF LIKED
THAT ONE.
307
00:18:15,834 --> 00:18:18,267
WE FOUND THIS TO BE
308
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:21,233
MORE EFFECTIVE.
309
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:24,134
ALL RIGHT,
GENTLEMEN, STAND BACK.
HOW BIG IS THIS ROOM?
310
00:18:24,134 --> 00:18:27,101
- ABOUT 1O-BY-15.
- PERFECT.
311
00:18:27,101 --> 00:18:29,600
DON'T MOVE
OR I'LL BLOW YOU
ALL TO KINGDOM COME.
312
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,200
- BOBO, DROP THAT GUN.
- HE'S BLUFFING.
BOBO, GET HIM!
313
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,134
STAND BACK.
314
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,134
WRONG PILL.
I THINK I'VE JUST
POISONED THE ROOM.
315
00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:50,701
The Claw:
NO, MR. SMART, THERE'LL BENO MORE OF YOUR SILLY TRICKS.
316
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,168
( coughing )
317
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,068
- 86!
- 99.
318
00:19:05,068 --> 00:19:07,701
OH, MAX, I'M SO SORRY
BUT THE PRINCESS GOT
AWAY FROM ME.
319
00:19:07,701 --> 00:19:09,434
I COULDN'T HELP IT.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
320
00:19:09,434 --> 00:19:11,801
YES, BUT WE'VE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE
AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
321
00:19:11,801 --> 00:19:13,534
THE SHANGHAI A-GO-GO
IS A KAOS FRONT.
322
00:19:13,534 --> 00:19:15,801
THIS IS THE ONE PLACE
THE PRINCESS MUST
NOT COME.
323
00:19:15,801 --> 00:19:17,467
- OH, NO.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW
I WAS HERE?
324
00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:19,134
I DIDN'T.
LOOK.
325
00:19:21,967 --> 00:19:25,467
- I FOLLOWED HER HERE.
- WELL, WE'VE GOTTA GET
THE PRINCESS--
326
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:28,134
OH MY GOSH!
327
00:19:32,068 --> 00:19:35,001
THE POOR DEVILS!
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE
TO THEM?
328
00:19:35,001 --> 00:19:38,701
THEY'RE DANCING, MAX.
THAT'S THE STYLE NOW.
329
00:19:38,701 --> 00:19:40,901
LISTEN, 99, WE'VE GOTTA
GET THAT PRINCESS
OUT OF HERE
330
00:19:40,901 --> 00:19:42,801
- WITHOUT LOOKING
CONSPICUOUS.
- RIGHT.
331
00:19:42,801 --> 00:19:44,567
- LET'S DANCE OVER.
- BUT I--
332
00:19:53,134 --> 00:19:54,767
INGRID.
333
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:58,333
INGRID, YOU'RE
IN TERRIBLE DANGER.
AS A FRIEND OF YOUR FATHER,
334
00:19:58,333 --> 00:20:00,567
I MUST REMIND YOU
THAT YOU'RE A PRINCESS.
335
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,934
- I'LL DO
WHATEVER YOU SAY, MAX.
- GOOD. NOW REMEMBER,
336
00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:07,400
DIGNITY
AND DECORUM
AT ALL TIMES.
337
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,500
- 99.
- OH, HEY, MAX.
338
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:19,600
- 99, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, WHAT'S THE PLAN, MAX?
339
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,901
THE PLAN IS TO GET
THE PRINCESS AND GET
HER OUT THAT EXIT.
340
00:20:21,901 --> 00:20:23,567
WELL, LET'S GO.
341
00:20:31,867 --> 00:20:34,534
- HOW ABOUT NOW?
- WELL, THEY CAN'T DO
ANYTHING TO US
342
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:37,400
WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AROUND.
I THINK WE'D BETTER
KEEP DANCING.
343
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,400
- OKAY.
- AND WATCH
YOUR ELBOW, 99.
344
00:20:56,068 --> 00:20:59,233
MAX, LOOK OUT!
BEHIND YOU!
345
00:21:05,834 --> 00:21:08,001
99, LOOK OUT!
BEHIND YOU!
346
00:21:10,001 --> 00:21:12,333
99, I THINK
WE'VE GOT THE BEAT.
347
00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:14,500
YEAH!
348
00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:25,467
YOU STILL HAVE ME
TO DEAL WITH,
MR. SMART.
349
00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:33,667
YOU HAVE INTERFERED WITH KAOS
FOR THE LAST TIME.
350
00:21:37,901 --> 00:21:39,834
JUST A MINUTE,
MR. CRAW.
351
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:41,767
CRAW,NOT CRAW!
352
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:43,434
CRAW!
353
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:46,434
( thumps, clanks )
354
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:52,600
- HAVE YOU GOT
A GUN, 99?
- RIGHT.
355
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,500
KEEP HIM COVERED.
ALL RIGHT, MR. CRAW,
356
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:58,834
ONE FALSE MOVE AND SHE BLOWS
YOUR HEAD OFF.
357
00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:04,267
DON'T BE FOOLED
BY THE SIZE OF THE GUN,
MR. CRAW.
358
00:22:04,267 --> 00:22:07,667
IT FIRES A .1-CALIBER
POISONED PIN
359
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:10,333
THAT KILLS INSTANTLY.
360
00:22:12,134 --> 00:22:16,034
THIS IS AGENT 86
REPORTING TO CONTROL.
361
00:22:16,034 --> 00:22:18,233
HELLO, CHIEF?
SMART HERE.
362
00:22:18,233 --> 00:22:20,168
YES, THE PRINCESS
IS SAFE.
363
00:22:20,168 --> 00:22:23,367
I'M AT THE SHANGHAI
A-GO-GO DISCOTHEQUE.
364
00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:25,801
BETTER SEND SOME MEN
AND SOME HANDCUFFS.
365
00:22:27,701 --> 00:22:30,834
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HANDCUFF.
366
00:22:30,834 --> 00:22:34,200
NO, CHIEF, YOU MAKE
A RIGHT ON SPRING AND
A LEFT ON "CROVER"--
367
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,001
UH, CLOVER.
YES.
368
00:22:36,001 --> 00:22:39,233
THEN IT'S THE SECOND LEFT
TO CONSTITUTION.
369
00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:43,367
NO, CHIEF, YOU GO
UNDER THE OVERPASS
AND OVER THE UNDERPASS.
370
00:22:43,367 --> 00:22:45,801
NO, CHIEF,
A RIGHT AT SPRING
371
00:22:45,801 --> 00:22:48,534
AND A LEFT AT CLOVER--
"CROVER"...
372
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:53,300
I AM PROUD
OF BOTH OF YOU.
373
00:22:53,300 --> 00:22:56,233
THE CLAW AND HIS MEN ARE
BEHIND BARS, THOSE EIGHT
GIRLS HAVE BEEN RESCUED,
374
00:22:56,233 --> 00:22:58,701
AND THE PRINCESS
IS ON HER WAY TO
SCANDINAVIA.
375
00:22:58,701 --> 00:23:00,300
- CONGRATULATIONS, MAX.
- THANK YOU.
376
00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:01,967
- CONGRATULATIONS, 99.
- THANK YOU.
377
00:23:01,967 --> 00:23:03,801
- ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.
- I'M SORRY YOU COULDN'T HAVE
378
00:23:03,801 --> 00:23:06,333
ACCOMPANIED THE PRINCESS
BACK TO HER COUNTRY
AS SHE REQUESTED,
379
00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:07,801
- BUT I UNDERSTAND
YOUR POINT OF VIEW.
- CHIEF--
380
00:23:07,801 --> 00:23:09,500
- MY WHAT?!
- YOUR WRITTEN REPORT,
381
00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:12,734
- IN WHICH YOU POINTED OUT
THE INADVISABILITY...
- UH, CHIEF--
382
00:23:12,734 --> 00:23:14,734
...OF A SINGLE MALE AGENT
TRAVELING WITH THE PRINCESS.
383
00:23:14,734 --> 00:23:16,500
- I QUITE AGREE WITH YOU.
- BUT I NEVER MADE OUT
384
00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:18,367
- ANY WRITTEN REPORT.
- I'D LIKE TO CHECK OUT NOW.
385
00:23:18,367 --> 00:23:20,801
- ANYWAY, WE SENT
K-13 ALONG.
- FANG?
386
00:23:20,801 --> 00:23:23,567
- YES, HE'LL
TAKE CARE OF HER.
- WELL, FANG'S A GOOD MAN,
387
00:23:23,567 --> 00:23:25,734
- BUT CHIEF--
- 86, DO YOU MIND
388
00:23:25,734 --> 00:23:30,333
IF I TALK OVER SOME
CONFIDENTIAL ASPECTS
OF THIS CASE WITH 99?
389
00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:32,634
I'LL SEE YOU
IN A MOMENT.
390
00:23:36,934 --> 00:23:38,967
YOU WROTE THAT REPORT,
DIDN'T YOU?
391
00:23:38,967 --> 00:23:41,567
UM, YES, SIR.
392
00:23:41,567 --> 00:23:43,233
I, UH...
393
00:23:43,233 --> 00:23:46,634
I JUST WANTED TO SAVE MAX
SOME EMBARRASSMENT.
HE GETS SEASICK.
394
00:23:47,701 --> 00:23:49,400
IN A PLANE?
395
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,300
IT FLIES OVER WATER.
( chuckles )
396
00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:58,467
- NO NO, CHIEF, YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT.
- ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE, 99?
397
00:23:58,467 --> 00:24:00,467
I'M POSITIVE.I'M AN EXPERT ON THIS.
398
00:24:00,467 --> 00:24:02,434
Chief:
NOW YOU GOT TO SHOW ME.IT'S VITAL.
399
00:24:02,434 --> 00:24:04,134
- NOW THAT'S AN ORDER.
- ALL RIGHT.
400
00:24:04,134 --> 00:24:07,300
NOW FIRST YOU JUST
STAND STILL AND YOU GET
YOUR HIPS MOVING FIRST.
401
00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:10,400
THEN YOU ADD THE ARMS.
( hums )
402
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,834
- THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
- OH, I SEE.
403
00:24:12,834 --> 00:24:14,734
- NOW TRY THE PONY.
- THE WHAT?
404
00:24:14,734 --> 00:24:17,101
( continues humming )
405
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,567
( theme music playing )32148
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