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1
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,920
Seriously, we're going to have to
tell them at some point.
2
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,440
Er no, we're going to have to
tell them at no point.
3
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,760
What? The first time we've ever had
girlfriends at the same time?
4
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,040
Do you know how happy mum will be?
5
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,400
Yes, the happiest she's ever
been in her entire life.
6
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,040
Exactly. And it will be hell.
It won't be hell.
7
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,280
It will be hell, won't it? Total
hell.
8
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,160
Let's definitely not tell them.
9
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,880
Yuck. What's that smell?
10
00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:58,920
Sewers.
11
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,720
Oh. Um, thanks.
12
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:03,840
You're welcome.
13
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,920
Scared of the man? Petrified.
14
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,920
And there it is.
15
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:14,960
Dad's massive, stupid caravan.
16
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,320
It's absolutely disgusting.
17
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,320
It's a dustbin on wheels. Dustbin on
bricks.
18
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,280
Hello, bambinos. Hi. Hello, Dad.
19
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,200
Well, what do you think?
20
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,840
Er, were you wearing a blindfold
when you bought that?
21
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,240
What? Or were you just in a coma?
Pillock.
22
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,200
Why the hell did you buy a caravan?
23
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,400
I told you, I went in one
when I was a boy, and...
24
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,560
Whoa.
25
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,040
That's not dangerous.
26
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,800
Yeah, "Safety last", eh, Dad?
27
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,120
Idiots.
28
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,560
Well, come in then.
29
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:43,720
Really?
30
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,120
Say your prayers.
31
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:48,440
Well?
32
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,160
And if you thought it looked
nice on the outside...
33
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,920
What a dump. What? It's fabulous.
34
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,520
Yes, it's a fabulous shithole.
35
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,200
It's not a shithole. Ow.
36
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,480
Now, listen, I need your help.
37
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,040
Psychological help, or...?
38
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,560
How am I going to get that mother
of yours to set foot in my caravan?
39
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,280
Er, have you tried chloroform?
40
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,080
She hates this bloody thing.
41
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,440
And might that be because you bought
this shithole behind her back?
42
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,000
It's not a shithole.
43
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,360
Well, OK, it needs a bit of work.
44
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:21,800
Or a bit of dynamite.
45
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,200
So? So, what?
46
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,440
Are you going to help me, then?
47
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,400
What? Help you make mum like your
horrible caravan? Yes.
48
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:28,600
BOTH: No.
49
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,280
Why not? Because it's a shithole.
50
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:32,720
Jesus.
51
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,000
Yeah, that needs adjusting.
52
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,280
You need adjusting. Goodbye.
53
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:37,440
Now wait...
54
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,720
Now, how about we all have
dinner in here tonight?
55
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,680
Sure, Dad. Sure. It'll be lovely.
56
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,280
All four of us, the whole family,
eating together.
57
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,200
Dying together. Look, it's got
everything, a kitchen.
58
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,040
Hideous. A dining area. Hideous.
59
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:51,480
Toilet.
60
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,120
That's just terrifying.
61
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,440
OK, then , just look at what
I made for your mum.
62
00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,120
Boys...
63
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,400
I thought you were in here.
64
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,880
Hi. Hi, Mum. Hello, my sweet, are
you coming inside?
65
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,320
You know the answer, Martin.
66
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,960
Boys... But you haven't even given
it a chance.
67
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,280
Come on, Jackie, you don't
know what you're missing.
68
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,160
Any number of diseases.
69
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,120
Ow. OK, out of that shithole.
70
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,640
Certainly.
71
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,640
It's not a shithole.
72
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,000
And make sure you wash your hands.
73
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,760
What? They don't need to wash their
hands.
74
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,480
Er, we do need to wash our hands.
75
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,800
Um, and dinner's nearly ready. Are
you coming inside or what?
76
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,040
Well, actually, Jackie,
77
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,400
the boys said that they'd really
like to have dinner in the caravan.
78
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,720
Yes, that is exactly what we said.
79
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,960
Martin, for the 800th time, we are
not having dinner in your...
80
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,760
..murder van, all right?
81
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,280
All right. God.
82
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,880
See you, Dad. Yeha, enjoy your
murdering.
83
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,480
He wants us to have dinner in that?!
84
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,960
Certain death. Can you believe your
stupid dad bought a caravan?
85
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,280
Not just any caravan. That caravan.
86
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,880
All week it's been
festering in our drive.
87
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,240
Boys, where can we get a crushing
machine?
88
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,560
You know he wanted to take me
on holiday in that thing?
89
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,000
On holiday?
90
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,440
What? So you can both plummet off a
cliff?
91
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,440
Hands.
92
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,960
It's funny, I haven't
stepped inside it once yet,
93
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,800
and it's been sending him quite mad.
94
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,160
We hadn't noticed.
95
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:09,600
What's with the water?
96
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,000
Oh, cos they've been digging
up the silly road.
97
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,320
Looking for dad's victims?
98
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,400
Yes, I'm really enjoying
annoying your father at the moment.
99
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,080
And long may it continue, Mother.
100
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,080
Hm, I'm really enjoying it.
101
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,480
Er, is that, gin?
102
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,880
Sorry. I must just go for a wee.
103
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,400
Mum?
104
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,960
She's drinking gin. That's what she
drinks when she's...
105
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,320
..depressed. We have to tell her our
news. No way.
106
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,400
Adam. Boys. Ugh. God, Dad, what are
you doing?
107
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,640
Shhh. Where's your mother?
108
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,840
What? Where is she? Um, in the
loo. What do you want?
109
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,880
Just gone in the loo? Or been in
there a while? Does it matter?
110
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,840
Has your brain fallen
out of your head tonight?
111
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,800
Just answer the sodding question.
112
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,640
Um, she's been in the loo for,
precisely 17 seconds.
113
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,960
Great.
114
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,720
Right, this is the plan.
The plan?
115
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,640
You take the soup,
follow me out through the side door,
116
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,640
all the way up to the caravan. What?
117
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,440
Dinner in the caravan. Remember?
118
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,200
Erm, no, we don't remember.
119
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,720
No, we do remember, we said
we definitely do not
120
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,600
want to have dinner in your
disgusting caravan.
121
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,480
God, then I'll have to get the
bloody soup myself then, won't I?
122
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,120
Thanks for nothing.
123
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:22,800
Martin? What are you doing with my
soup? Huh? Boys, quick.
124
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,160
You little git.
125
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,640
What are you doing?
126
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,960
Dad thinks he's in a prison
movie or something.
127
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,600
Were you stealing my soup?
128
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,080
No. Yes, you were. Shut up.
129
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,760
And have a guess where
he was taking it.
130
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,640
Right, I'm having that, thank you.
131
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,520
But Jackie, I've made it
all nice in there.
132
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,400
What? You mean you've emptied
the chemical toilet?
133
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,760
Actually, I may need a hand
with that thing,
134
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,120
cos the unit's jammed
and it's brimming with human waste.
135
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,440
OK, maybe you shouldn't have
dinner with us tonight.
136
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,920
What? Er, Mum? Shut up, boys.
137
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,280
Yes, maybe you should eat
all on your own.
138
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,760
But, Jackie. In your shithole.
139
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,040
It's not a shithole!
140
00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,680
Right then.
141
00:05:58,680 --> 00:05:59,880
Dinner for three?
142
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,400
This is fun, isn't it?
143
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:15,000
The three of us having dinner,
mummy and her boys.
144
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,920
Uh-huh.
145
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,600
What? Well, I mean,
obviously this is great fun.
146
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,600
Great fun. And not at all like we
suddenly don't have a dad any more.
147
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,080
Very good. Even though we always set
a place for him at the table.
148
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,000
To remind us of the better times.
149
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,440
Thank you, boys.
150
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,200
I hope he's all right in there.
151
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,800
Poor dad.
152
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,120
Poor dad? Right.
153
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,960
We'll see if he's all
right in there, shall we?
154
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,600
Jackie to Martin.
155
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,760
BOTH: What is that?
156
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:44,520
Your dad's stupid thing for
when he's in his stupid, crapmobile.
157
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,720
Martin, it's Jackie,
are you all right in there?
158
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,560
It's a good system.
159
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,480
Martin to Jackie, how many times do
I have to tell you?
160
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,840
It's "Are you all
right in there OVER?"
161
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,440
He's all right in there.
162
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,640
I'm sorry,
but it's been like this all week.
163
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,640
Every night he's
had his dinner out there,
164
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:10,600
and I've had my dinner in here.
It's been really hard.
165
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,440
I've been really lonely.
166
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,200
Adam's got a girlfriend. You shit.
167
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,480
Ow. What? Jonny's got a girlfriend.
168
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,840
Huh? You've both got girlfriends?
169
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,640
BOTH: Yes.
170
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,000
At the same time?
171
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,080
BOTH: Yes.
172
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:31,920
Oh, my God, thank you!
173
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,960
Please. Thank you.
174
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,320
Mum. Oh, I am so excited.
175
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,080
Martin? Uh.
176
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,240
Martin. Come inside right now.
177
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,080
Something incredible's just
happened.
178
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,040
Seriously?
179
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,680
Boys, you don't know how happy
you've just made your mother.
180
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,040
We do.
181
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,760
Martin to Jackie, it's "Something
incredible's just happened OVER!"
182
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:56,760
God.
183
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,240
Where are you going?
184
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,600
Martin, bloody come in here right
now.
185
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,560
Mum?! The neighbours? Screw the
neighbours.
186
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:08,520
Oh, we are going to celebrate
tonight.
187
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,920
Are we? And I am going to hear
everything, about everything.
188
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,600
DOOR BELL RINGS
189
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,920
Coming! Right, stay there. Stay
there.
190
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,200
Oooooh. Two weddings.
191
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,680
Hell. Total.
192
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,360
Martin, the boys have...
193
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,640
Hello, Jackie. Oh, it's you.
194
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:32,040
The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera?
195
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,000
Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim.
196
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,680
What do you want? Martin?
197
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:41,000
No, I just wanted you to know that
I've finally come up with a name.
198
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:45,400
A name? Yes, Jackie, well,
I couldn't keep calling her Wilson,
199
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,400
so, I've come up with a completely
different name for her.
200
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,840
Oh, right.
201
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,120
And, what is it?
202
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,400
Milson.
203
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,640
Milson? Milson.
204
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,040
Hi, Jim. Hello, boys.
205
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,240
Um. Jim's got a completely new
name for his dog.
206
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,560
It's Milson.
207
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,520
Well, that is a completely new
name.
208
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,440
Right, well erm, thank you, Jim.
209
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,680
Martin?
210
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:19,040
Also, I wondered if you'd noticed a
strange sort of eggy smell outside?
211
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,400
Eggy smell? Yes. Very eggy.
212
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,920
Oh, yeah, well that'll just be
the water people.
213
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,920
The Water People? Where?
214
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:31,360
Um, in the road, Jim, you know,
the people doing the sewers?
215
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,640
The sewers.
216
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,600
MARTIN: So I'm allowed in now, am I?
217
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,120
Uh. Been in your special little
house, have you, Martin?
218
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,040
What? Oh, that's right.
219
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,360
I've always wanted to
go in one of those.
220
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,560
Well, you're welcome any time, Jim.
221
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,880
Am I? Stupid bumhole.
222
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,200
So is that all, Jim? Yes, of course,
Jackie.
223
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,600
Bye all.
224
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,840
Come on, Milson.
225
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,040
Good girl.
226
00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:00,960
Um, goodbye, Jim. Goodnight.
227
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,800
My God.
228
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,400
Milson?
229
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,160
Martin, the boys have some
incredible news.
230
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,760
Go on, tell your dad.
231
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:11,040
Adam's got three weeks to live.
232
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,240
Ow.
233
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,080
That is a horrible thing to say.
234
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,440
Three weeks?
Can't he make it three days?
235
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,520
Argh, Jackie. God. Both the boys
have got girlfriends.
236
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,720
Really? These two buggers have both
got females?
237
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,520
Uhhh. Yeah, dad, we've both got
"females".
238
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,480
Isn't that amazing? Ooh, what are
their names?
239
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,680
BOTH: Lucy.
240
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,120
Sorry? They're both called Lucy.
241
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,800
Both of your girlfriends are called
Lucy?
242
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,160
Yeah, it's quite annoying actually.
Very annoying.
243
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,520
OK, well, we'll call your Lucy, Lucy
one
244
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,240
and your Lucy, Lucy two. Great idea,
Mum.
245
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,680
Er, why's my girlfriend number two?
246
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:44,960
Cos she's second best, obviously.
247
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,280
Ow.
248
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,960
Well, aren't you going to say
anything, Martin?
249
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,480
What? Oh, yes...
250
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,400
..well done. Well done?
251
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,200
Both of your sons have got
girlfriends
252
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,040
and that's all you can say?
It's OK, mum. It's not OK.
253
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,680
Do you know how many years I've been
waiting for this bloody moment?
254
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:03,120
You're supposed to be their father.
Say something proper to your sons.
255
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,120
OK, boys...
256
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,880
BOTH: Yes?
257
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,680
..always wear a sheath.
258
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,120
Ahhh, your girlfriends sound
so nice.
259
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,440
Yes, please ask lots more
questions about them.
260
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,200
Like another 100,000.
261
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,600
Stop it. Can we have the rest
of our dinner now?
262
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,480
Come on, photos?
263
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,440
Photos? Really? Come on.
264
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:28,440
Uhhh.
265
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,880
Ooh, lovely hair.
266
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,240
Yup. Ooh, lovely smile.
267
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,000
Mine's definitely the fittest.
The shittest.
268
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,680
Dad? Pissface.
269
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:40,880
Who do you think's the fittest?
270
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,840
Oh, how can you say such a thing.
271
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,920
The fittest? How would I know?
272
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,000
Have you tried racing them
against each other?
273
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,160
Huh?
274
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,040
Fantastic celebration.
275
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,920
Well, if you really want to
celebrate,
276
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,160
why don't we all go in my caravan?
277
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:57,360
Or why don't we not?
278
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,440
In fact, if you and your "ladies"
279
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,840
ever want to use the caravan for a
bit of, you know...
280
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,120
"Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah."
281
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,000
Oh, my God. Just ask.
282
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,800
You're revolting. You know that?
Oh, yes.
283
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,680
Right, go in there
284
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,680
and take the chicken into the dining
room, will you?
285
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,520
Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah.
286
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,640
OK. Nazi interrogation over?
287
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,360
All right. Yes.
288
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:24,560
Bring on the chicken.
289
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,120
Chicken time.
290
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,720
Ahhh, I can't wait to
meet your lovely girls.
291
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,160
Sorry? Huh?
292
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,440
Well, you want them
to meet mummy, don't you?
293
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,760
Right.
294
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,360
Thank you for ruining
my celebration.
295
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,680
Your celebration?
296
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,320
OK, obviously mum and dad are never
meeting our girlfriends.
297
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,760
Obviously. Boys? Boys?
298
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,400
Mum? What's happened?
299
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,040
He's taken the chicken.
300
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,353
This is ridiculous.
301
00:13:04,353 --> 00:13:05,753
Piss off.
302
00:13:05,753 --> 00:13:08,113
How's he got his top off already?
STATIC FEEDBACK
303
00:13:08,113 --> 00:13:10,673
Martin, come out with the chicken
this second.
304
00:13:10,673 --> 00:13:15,033
It's, "Martin, come out with
the chicken this second, OVER."
305
00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:16,793
How many bleeding times? Jonny!
306
00:13:18,273 --> 00:13:20,953
Bloody sods! Give us the chicken!
Now!
307
00:13:20,953 --> 00:13:22,793
Get off! Dad!
308
00:13:22,793 --> 00:13:25,353
OK, you can have the chicken,
309
00:13:25,353 --> 00:13:28,673
you can all have the chicken,
if you eat it in here.
310
00:13:28,673 --> 00:13:33,313
What? Your mum thinks it's
so horrible in my caravan, does she?
311
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,673
Well, just wait till
she sees what I've done for her.
312
00:13:37,473 --> 00:13:39,993
There, see that?
313
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:43,073
"Martin and Jackie."
Yes, very nice, dad.
314
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,673
Can we have the chicken now?
315
00:13:44,673 --> 00:13:47,393
And if I press this button...
316
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,153
THEY SCREAM
317
00:13:49,153 --> 00:13:52,073
Agh! Now! Sorry, Dad. Oi!
318
00:13:52,073 --> 00:13:55,833
I've got the chicken!
I've got the chicken!
319
00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:58,153
Quickly!
SHE LAUGHS
320
00:13:58,153 --> 00:14:00,513
Give it back, you bastards.
321
00:14:00,513 --> 00:14:02,593
Oh, Bobbles, my heroes.
322
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:04,513
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Give me that chicken!
323
00:14:04,513 --> 00:14:07,833
Go away! He needs locking up.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
324
00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:11,473
Right. Oh, no, the side door.
325
00:14:11,473 --> 00:14:12,913
CRASH
Ow.
326
00:14:12,913 --> 00:14:15,193
Wait. Huh?
327
00:14:15,193 --> 00:14:17,593
GRUNTING
328
00:14:17,593 --> 00:14:20,593
Ahhh, of course. Hello, Martin.
329
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,073
Well, help me, then.
330
00:14:22,073 --> 00:14:25,033
Certainly, darling,
let me just move this nice,
331
00:14:25,033 --> 00:14:28,113
soft chair out of your way.
Oh, Jackie. Help me for God's sake.
332
00:14:28,113 --> 00:14:31,393
Uh, don't you mean,
"Help me for God's sake, over?"
333
00:14:31,393 --> 00:14:34,113
Why don't you sit down, boys?
Thank you, mother.
334
00:14:34,113 --> 00:14:35,913
You bloody, bleeding...!
335
00:14:35,913 --> 00:14:39,113
HE SHOUTS, THUDS, HE GROANS
336
00:14:39,113 --> 00:14:42,193
Agh. I think I've broken my skull.
337
00:14:42,193 --> 00:14:45,193
You are getting scraps tonight.
Do you hear me? Scraps!
338
00:14:45,193 --> 00:14:46,713
Yes.
339
00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:50,073
Our poor girlfriends,
missing all this.
340
00:14:50,073 --> 00:14:52,353
Hello, all. God, Jim! Christ!
THEY SHOUT
341
00:14:54,033 --> 00:14:55,553
Jim?
342
00:14:55,553 --> 00:14:57,113
Completely flooded?
343
00:14:57,113 --> 00:15:00,433
Yes, Jackie,
my house is completely flooded.
344
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,153
With, what's the word?
345
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,473
Um, water?
346
00:15:04,473 --> 00:15:06,953
Excrement. Excrement? Excrement?
347
00:15:06,953 --> 00:15:11,513
Apparently a sewerage pipe
got redirected into my house.
348
00:15:11,513 --> 00:15:14,153
Th-that's why my shoes are all...
349
00:15:14,153 --> 00:15:16,433
Eeh, ooh...
350
00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:18,273
And, uh...
351
00:15:18,273 --> 00:15:20,833
And then the water people
told me I had to leave
352
00:15:20,833 --> 00:15:24,233
while they tried to fix it.
And now I've got nowhere to go.
353
00:15:24,233 --> 00:15:25,513
Oh, God.
354
00:15:25,513 --> 00:15:28,073
Sorry, Jim,
we'd love to invite you in,
355
00:15:28,073 --> 00:15:30,713
but we're sort of celebrating
tonight.
356
00:15:30,713 --> 00:15:33,313
No more cholera? What?! Sorry?
357
00:15:33,313 --> 00:15:34,873
Um, it's all right, Jackie.
358
00:15:34,873 --> 00:15:36,753
I wasn't going to ask
if I could come in.
359
00:15:36,753 --> 00:15:39,913
Good. Oh. No, I just wondered
360
00:15:39,913 --> 00:15:44,673
if maybe I could have a little
piece of chicken to eat.
361
00:15:44,673 --> 00:15:46,513
Er, OK.
362
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,793
And maybe if I could have it
in the...
363
00:15:50,753 --> 00:15:53,193
..special little house.
364
00:15:53,193 --> 00:15:55,833
MUSIC: 1901
by Phoenix
365
00:15:59,273 --> 00:16:02,913
Oof. Nice bone and gristle, Martin?
366
00:16:02,913 --> 00:16:04,113
Ooh.
367
00:16:04,113 --> 00:16:07,273
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie,
over.
368
00:16:07,273 --> 00:16:10,153
Not again. Definitely going to
be like this all night.
369
00:16:10,153 --> 00:16:11,873
Martin reading, over.
370
00:16:11,873 --> 00:16:15,313
Um, where's the mustard? Over.
371
00:16:15,313 --> 00:16:17,593
The man's driving me bloody mad.
372
00:16:17,593 --> 00:16:19,273
Ahhh, is he?
373
00:16:20,273 --> 00:16:21,473
Martin to Jim.
374
00:16:21,473 --> 00:16:24,953
The mustard's in the little drawer
on the right, over.
375
00:16:24,953 --> 00:16:27,193
Thank you, Martin. Over and out.
376
00:16:28,233 --> 00:16:31,033
Well, at least he follows the
correct communications procedure.
377
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,593
On the talkie walkie.
378
00:16:32,593 --> 00:16:34,873
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie.
379
00:16:34,873 --> 00:16:35,833
Bleeding hell.
380
00:16:36,873 --> 00:16:38,553
Martin reading. Over.
381
00:16:38,553 --> 00:16:42,113
Do you have anything that looks
and tastes like a lemon,
382
00:16:42,113 --> 00:16:45,073
but isn't a lemon? Over.
383
00:16:45,073 --> 00:16:47,353
Oh, turn the wretched thing off,
will you?
384
00:16:48,673 --> 00:16:50,953
Do your lady friends like caravans?
385
00:16:50,953 --> 00:16:52,553
Do they like caravans?
386
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,153
Martin, our sons announce that
they've both got girlfriends,
387
00:16:55,153 --> 00:16:56,913
and that's the first thing
you want to ask?
388
00:16:56,913 --> 00:16:59,753
Um, sorry, dad I don't actually know
if my girlfriend likes caravans.
389
00:16:59,753 --> 00:17:02,273
Yeah, funny,
I don't really know either.
390
00:17:02,273 --> 00:17:04,713
You don't know
if they like caravans?
391
00:17:04,713 --> 00:17:06,593
What the hell do you talk about?
392
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,393
Not caravans, I hope.
393
00:17:08,393 --> 00:17:11,393
I mean, I can ask
if you'd like me to.
394
00:17:11,393 --> 00:17:12,793
I would, actually.
395
00:17:15,753 --> 00:17:18,553
"Do you like caravans?"
396
00:17:18,553 --> 00:17:23,313
I'll ask as well, just texting
Lucy One, the best Lucy.
397
00:17:23,313 --> 00:17:25,673
So when am I going to
bloody meet them?
398
00:17:25,673 --> 00:17:28,553
100 years? 1,000 years?
1,000 years.
399
00:17:28,553 --> 00:17:30,953
Boys.
PHONE DINGS
400
00:17:30,953 --> 00:17:34,753
OK. She says, "What do you mean,
caravans?"
401
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:37,073
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh!
402
00:17:37,073 --> 00:17:38,913
"Caravans? What do you mean?"
403
00:17:38,913 --> 00:17:40,873
They've never heard of caravans?
PHONE RINGS
404
00:17:40,873 --> 00:17:44,553
Oh! Hi. No, sorry, it was just
405
00:17:44,553 --> 00:17:46,913
my stupid dad, yep.
PHONE RINGS
406
00:17:46,913 --> 00:17:50,033
Sorry, babe, my stupid,
stupid dad just wanted to know.
407
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:53,113
Yeah, right... It's the girls!
408
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:56,033
Ooh, let me say hello to them.
Mum, get off.
409
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:59,353
Ah, please. God, Mum! Adam. No,
Adam. Adam!
410
00:17:59,353 --> 00:18:01,393
Leave me alone! Aw, Adam!
411
00:18:01,393 --> 00:18:05,353
I know. Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
Crazy. Get off! Just go away!
412
00:18:05,353 --> 00:18:08,993
Right. But I want to speak to them.
Mum! Give me your phones!
413
00:18:08,993 --> 00:18:10,753
Give me your phones!
Get off, you lunatic!
414
00:18:10,753 --> 00:18:14,713
Get in there! In there!
Wait, no, boys! Just get in there.
415
00:18:14,713 --> 00:18:16,153
Horrible!
416
00:18:16,153 --> 00:18:17,633
She's insane!
417
00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:19,593
It's not fair.
418
00:18:21,273 --> 00:18:24,713
So do they like caravans?
419
00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:26,073
Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
420
00:18:26,073 --> 00:18:27,353
DOORBELL RINGS
I know, crazy.
421
00:18:27,353 --> 00:18:29,073
Yeah, see you later.
Yep, anyway, bye.
422
00:18:29,073 --> 00:18:31,073
Absolutely insane.
Absolutely insane.
423
00:18:31,073 --> 00:18:32,313
Ugh.
424
00:18:32,313 --> 00:18:33,593
Insane! Insane.
425
00:18:35,273 --> 00:18:38,273
Thank you so much for that.
Yes, thanks, Mum.
426
00:18:38,273 --> 00:18:40,033
Horrible boys.
427
00:18:40,033 --> 00:18:42,673
Hello, all. Oh, yeah, Jim's here.
428
00:18:42,673 --> 00:18:44,033
What are you bloody doing?
429
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:49,353
Um, I've been told by the water
people that I can go back home now.
430
00:18:49,353 --> 00:18:53,273
Oh, right. Really?
There's still excrement everywhere,
431
00:18:53,273 --> 00:18:56,913
but there's not quite so much
excrement everywhere as before.
432
00:18:56,913 --> 00:19:00,273
Lovely. Ugh, what is that smell?
433
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:02,233
Close the window, will you?
HE SIGHS
434
00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:07,713
Oh, and Martin, I noticed the loo
in your caravan was all blocked up,
435
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:10,033
so I...
DOG WHINES
436
00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:13,513
Remain. So I, um...
437
00:19:15,953 --> 00:19:20,993
..I managed to get
the waste unit out for you.
438
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,313
My God.
439
00:19:23,313 --> 00:19:26,033
Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there!
Thanks, Jim.
440
00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:29,873
Maybe take that back outside again?
Yes, but slowly.
441
00:19:29,873 --> 00:19:34,433
Yes, course, slowly,
cos it is rather full.
442
00:19:34,433 --> 00:19:35,873
DOG BARKS
443
00:19:35,873 --> 00:19:39,353
THEY SCREAM
444
00:19:39,353 --> 00:19:42,073
Great! Now our house
is flooded with excrement.
445
00:19:42,073 --> 00:19:43,913
My lovely dining room!
446
00:19:43,913 --> 00:19:47,073
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh, Martin, get a mop.
447
00:19:47,073 --> 00:19:50,393
What?! I'm not walking through
that...! Sea of shit? Adam!
448
00:19:50,393 --> 00:19:53,073
We'll have to go through the window.
The window? Come on.
449
00:19:53,073 --> 00:19:55,513
Oh, my God.
450
00:19:55,513 --> 00:19:59,833
No, no, Milson,
you've had your supper.
451
00:20:01,073 --> 00:20:02,313
THEY WHIMPER
452
00:20:02,313 --> 00:20:04,913
Hold me, Jackie. Never let go.
453
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:06,553
Yes, all right, Jim.
454
00:20:06,553 --> 00:20:12,993
I-I really am so sorry for spilling
all that, well, you know.
455
00:20:12,993 --> 00:20:18,833
Yes, Jim. All I can say
is that at least it's your own.
456
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:21,153
And a little bit of mine.
457
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:24,953
Bye, all!
HE GRUNTS
458
00:20:24,953 --> 00:20:27,913
Thanks, Jim. So what do we do now?
459
00:20:27,913 --> 00:20:29,753
Just go back in the house. Really?
460
00:20:31,113 --> 00:20:33,793
OK, we're not going
back in the house.
461
00:20:33,793 --> 00:20:35,513
HE CLEARS THROAT
462
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,353
£500?
463
00:20:43,353 --> 00:20:46,473
I know it's Friday night,
but 500 quid
464
00:20:46,473 --> 00:20:47,833
to come and clean up some mess?
465
00:20:47,833 --> 00:20:49,793
Have you told them it's shit?
It's actual shit?
466
00:20:49,793 --> 00:20:53,553
Just shut up. Uh, OK, two hours.
467
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:55,873
But please hurry.
468
00:20:55,873 --> 00:20:58,513
SHE GROANS
Terrific.
469
00:20:58,513 --> 00:21:01,033
Well, Martin, you've finally
got your dinner in your caravan.
470
00:21:01,033 --> 00:21:03,713
Are you happy now? Yes. Very. Hm.
471
00:21:03,713 --> 00:21:06,193
Actually, it's not so bad in here.
See?
472
00:21:06,193 --> 00:21:08,513
Yeah, it's all right, really.
473
00:21:08,513 --> 00:21:11,593
It was meant to be a celebration,
a family celebration.
474
00:21:11,593 --> 00:21:14,033
It is a family celebration.
475
00:21:14,033 --> 00:21:19,233
Is it? Dad? What? Your thing.
What thing?
476
00:21:19,233 --> 00:21:23,233
Oh, yeah, Jackie, look,
I got this made especially for you.
477
00:21:27,193 --> 00:21:29,473
"Martin and Jackie."
478
00:21:29,473 --> 00:21:30,993
You got that made for me?
479
00:21:30,993 --> 00:21:33,633
And if I just press
this little button...
480
00:21:33,633 --> 00:21:34,873
Careful, Dad.
481
00:21:37,153 --> 00:21:38,153
There.
482
00:21:39,593 --> 00:21:42,153
Oh, Martin.
483
00:21:42,153 --> 00:21:43,993
"Martin and Ackie."
484
00:21:43,993 --> 00:21:45,993
Oh, shut up.
485
00:21:45,993 --> 00:21:51,073
Bloody bulbs. Thanks, sweetheart.
SHE GIGGLES
486
00:21:51,073 --> 00:21:53,393
Okey dokey,
487
00:21:53,393 --> 00:21:55,713
anyone for a grotty butter sandwich,
over?
488
00:21:55,713 --> 00:21:58,233
Er, piss off, over.
489
00:21:58,233 --> 00:21:59,833
You silly sods.
490
00:21:59,833 --> 00:22:03,473
Right, let's get this
bloody thing sorted. Uh...
491
00:22:03,473 --> 00:22:06,513
THEY SCREAM
492
00:22:06,513 --> 00:22:07,913
Stop!
493
00:22:07,913 --> 00:22:10,153
CRASHING
494
00:22:12,393 --> 00:22:14,673
Oh, my God!
495
00:22:14,673 --> 00:22:15,833
SHE GASPS
496
00:22:15,833 --> 00:22:19,073
My caravan. My beautiful caravan.
497
00:22:19,073 --> 00:22:21,553
Just look at it, Jackie!
It's a wreck!
498
00:22:21,553 --> 00:22:23,033
Oh, Dad.
499
00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:24,193
Aw.
500
00:22:27,233 --> 00:22:31,553
Martin, look.
501
00:22:31,553 --> 00:22:32,633
SHE GASPS
502
00:22:35,753 --> 00:22:38,433
We can get this thing fixed,
you know.
503
00:22:38,433 --> 00:22:42,193
What? We can, we will.
We'll get it fixed, I promise.
504
00:22:42,193 --> 00:22:43,553
Really? BOTH: Really?
505
00:22:43,553 --> 00:22:45,993
SHE TUTS
Yes, darling.
506
00:22:47,233 --> 00:22:49,953
Come on, let's wait in the car.
507
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:53,473
We'll order a pizza, yeah?
Pizza! Skill!
508
00:22:53,473 --> 00:22:55,273
Yeah, come on, then. Pizza.
509
00:22:57,153 --> 00:22:58,993
Jonny to Dad, over.
510
00:23:00,393 --> 00:23:02,033
Roger, Jonny, go ahead.
511
00:23:02,033 --> 00:23:03,913
Your caravan's on fire, over.
512
00:23:08,273 --> 00:23:11,193
Shit on it, over.
513
00:23:11,193 --> 00:23:14,193
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
514
00:23:14,193 --> 00:23:18,673
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
515
00:23:18,673 --> 00:23:21,713
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
516
00:23:21,713 --> 00:23:25,753
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
517
00:23:25,753 --> 00:23:29,273
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
518
00:23:29,273 --> 00:23:33,873
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
60302
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