All language subtitles for Undateable.John.2019.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO

(water splashing)

(waves crashing)

("Savior" by The Vacancies)

* Keep my glass full,
I don't ask for much *

* This is pretty straight,
so try not to fuss *

* Life and a good time
is the key and the cure *

* Put the knife down,
return to the icebox *

* Put a few away

* Forget the head knots and
the worries of the day *

* No thoughts of revenge,
don't think about death *

* Leave the dirty dishes,
put your chores to rest *

* Leave me at the fire

* If I want to nurse
from my glass breast *

- Ow.

(distant punk music)

- Hey, you touching
the merchandise,

are you gonna buy something?

- Gino, put these
on my tab, okay?

- Not until you
pay your back bill.

I'll take it in trade.

- Oh, blow me Gino, come on.

- Hello, how are you?

- Hi.

- Would you like anything else?

- Yes, the usual, please.

- You're here every day.

Why don't you buy a big
bottle and save some money?

- Because I like
that size, Gino.

- Here, a little gift from me.

- Oh, thank you.

- Have a great day.

- Thanks, you too.

- Hey, and you,
what are you doing?

- This is the best part.

- Would you pack up this stuff?

- There's like, nobody in here.

- If I wasn't banging your
mother, you'd be so outta here.

- I heard that yesterday.

("She Had a Plan"
by Girl in a Coma)

(seagulls calling)

* When yesterday is over

* And tonight just began

* You sit there in your corner

(retching)

* And wish it was the end

* But listen here my friend

* The story never starts
until you break your heart *

(acoustic guitar music)

(singing)

* We go out and party, but
nothing kills my pain *

* And I know there's
no one else to blame *

- Oh, for God sakes.

(groaning)

Does that work?

(breathing heavily)

(sighing)

Okay, purse.

Just let me grab it.

(sighs)

Of course I will.

How much?

* When you feel your
world is closing in *

* Ending before it begins

* When you feel it
coming at your feet *

* And you're holding
everybody that you meet *

* You know you better change

* Change to something
better, something better *

* Yeah, something
better there within *

* You know you better change,
change to something better *

* Something better,
something better *

* Yeah, something better here

* There's something
better here within *

(beeping)

- Oh!
- How you doing?

- Shit.
- Did I scare ya?

- Yeah. (laughs)

- No need to hide the alcohol.

- What do you?

Oh wow.

- Do me a favor, do you
want to shut the car off?

- Officer.
- Ma'am.

- Yes, sir.

- Did you hear me?

You wanna shut the car off?

- Would you like my license?

- I'd like you to shut
the car off right now.

- Okay.

- Take the keys out
of the ignition.

- Shit, um, yes.

- Put the keys on the dash.

- Thank you, license
and registration.

- There you go.

There you go, sir.

- This is your medical
marijuana license you handed me.

- Really? (laughs nervously)

Huh.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I've--

- Do you want to
step out of the car?

- I've had a really bad day.

- Huh, really?
- Yeah.

- It's about to get worse.
- Why?

- You can button up
your shirt, I'm gay.

- I wasn't driving.

- Put your hands
behind your back.

- Whoa, dude!

- Put your hands
behind your back.

- Oh, fuck!

Ugh, you can't open the car?

- Yeah, yeah, funny.

Get in.

- Ah!

- I'm not gonna tell you again.

- Ow!

- Okay, before we proceed
I've got some announcements.

You know, there's an
old coffee can outside.

It's been there
for a couple years,

that's for your cigarette
butts, smokers, okay?

So please, throw them in there.

There's a Smokers Anonymous
meeting here in the mornings,

and all that temptation for
those sick fuckers, come on.

All right, also Panda Express,

they're kind enough to give us
food for the meeting, right?

You'd think we'd be kind enough

to throw their containers in
the trash and not in the alley.

Also that alley is not a toilet.

(door slams shut)

Come on in, come on in.

You got a seat right there.

- Here's a seat.

- Very good, just grab a seat.

There you go, there you go.

Okay, who wants to
start the shares?

(light guitar music)

- I'm Larry, and I'm alcoholic.

- Hi Larry.
- Hey Larry.

- People say the
stupidest shit at work,

and I get so frustrated,

like I blurt out
these inappropriate
remarks and it's...

It's like I have Tourette's.

- I finally decided to
makes amends with my wife.

- The truth is, my wife left
me 'cause I was an alcoholic.

- Shit, I don't even
know where to start, man.

(sighs)

So much blow and
hookers. (chuckles)

Look man, fuck this, man.

Look, look, look, when
she finds out about this,

she's just gonna divorce
me and use it against me.

Man, forget it.

I'm done, forget this.

- My name's John,
I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, John.

- And I had a great day today.

I woke up, I didn't come to,

I didn't have to wonder
where my car was.

Like some, I don't
have a car right now,

but that's, I did my little
morning spiritual thing,

you know, and then I meditated.

- Meditate?

You don't meditate,
that's bullshit.

- Yeah, right.
(group chattering)

- Please.

- Thank you.

And, I mean, it's a
beautiful day, right?

And there's a beautiful
swell in the water.

I got some really nice waves,
and I got a new student.

A new client that feels
good, it's a rich kid,

and sometimes when I sense
a little disrespect from

like, a rich, entitled kid,

it's like they have
this condensation
attitude towards me.

Just like, I let the
ocean just kick their ass,

and I enjoy it, and
that's probably bad,

and I should do some
inventory work on that, but,

but I had this revelation
that surfing and life,

they're not that
different really.

I mean, some days.
- Okay, okay.

- I'll wrap it up,
so anyway, I just,

I loved, I loved
being alive today,

and I love AA and thanks
for calling on me.

- You say the same
shit every week, bro.

- That's my life, man.

- Very good, John, thank you.

New girl, would
you like to share?

- Uh, hi.

Uh...

I'm Jane.

- Hi, Jane.

- I got a DUI, so the
courts made me come here.

- So Jane, do you think
you might be an alcoholic?

- No, I think I'm lonely,

but I don't know if
I'm an alcoholic.

- Well, if you have to think
about it, you probably are.

You know, normal people
don't end up here,

but if you're not an alcoholic,

I'm afraid you
can't share today.

- No, that's, that's okay.

I didn't really have
anything to say anyway.

- The courage to
change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know
the difference, amen.

- There you go.

- Jane?

Uh, Rose.

- Hey, how's my hair look?

- It looks like
shit, who cut it?

- I did.

- You look like
one of The Monkees.

(laughing)

- Oh my god.

- This form tells you
if you're an alcoholic.

- Great, thanks.

- You only need to
get three right.

- That's my dream
girl, my dream girl.

- Asshole, that's
everybody's dream girl.

And besides, she's way
above your pay grade.

- Yeah, you can't
afford a girl like that.

- Don't fuck with my hair.

Hey, you want me to
rub that out for you?

I'm a pretty good masseuse.

- Masseur.

Masseuse is feminine,
masseur is masculine.

- Masseur, masseur.

How's that feel?

- Um, pretty good.

- Jesus, your whole
back is so tight.

- Yeah, well, I'm a little
stressed out at work.

- I'll say.

- Oh lord, he's not
gonna go there is he?

- What do you do?

Are you a model?

- Apparently he's
making the attempt.

- Listen, did you
get her number?

- I'm not gonna give it to you.

- What?

- I always wanted to
learn how to surf.

- Oh, it's so easy.

I could give you
a lesson sometime.

- Really?

- Yeah, I'll let
you guys talk, okay?

Hey, it was nice
to meet you, Jane.

- Thanks.

- I can't believe
you got to touch her.

- Yeah, I can't believe
it either, poor girl.

- I deserve a girl like that.

- Please, please, you
don't deserve shit.

- Yeah, you don't deserve shit.

* Simple man

* What dirty hands I have

(Jane sighs)

(light rock music)

- Hmm, are you an alcoholic?

Is drinking make your
whole life unhappy?

I don't have a whole life.

Do you drink alone?

(laughs)

Have you ever had a blackout?

Well, isn't that
just called sleep?

Do you miss time from
work due to drinking?

Very interesting.

Do you want to drink
the next morning?

Yeah.

Hey Adam, it's me.

You should call me.

Call me, call me, call me, bye.

(cellphone ringing)

Hi, Adam?

- No, it's Rose
from the meeting.

Who's Adam?

- Oh, hi, sorry.

He's just some guy who's
never around when I need him.

- Why don't I come over?

We can hang out.

We can play cards.

- Play cards, huh?

- Backgammon,
watch a movie.

- Okay, yeah, you can come over,

but you gotta bring
some vodka, okay?

- What's your address?

- I'll text you.

- Why don't you just
tell me your address right now?

- I'll text you.

* I don't wanna feel
like a loser anymore *

* And I don't think that
I can take another 24 *

(coughing)

- Dude, the hottest chick
came into the meeting tonight.

It's like she doesn't
know how hot she is.

She must be from the
Midwest or something.

- I knew you only went to those
meetings to pick up chicks.

Sign me up for the
next one, bro. (laughs)

- Do you have to drink beer

right in front of
me in our room?

- What's the difference
between beer and weed, Cheech?

- I'm not drinking
beer right now.

- All right, chill out, man.

Look, spark this up,
take a hit, cool out.

What step is that
in your program?

- It's called
Marijuana Maintenance.

It's got a name.

It's like, I'm on the
Marijuana Maintenance program.

- That's a good name,

that actually would
be a good band name,

Marijuana Maintenance.

- Marijuana Maintenance.
- Yeah, right?

- I wanna be on the
Marijuana Maintenance team.

- I'm not alone, there's a lot
of people on like the pill,

the Vicodin program, you know?

Like if they don't
drink, they do Vicodin.

- And it's cool?

- No, it's not cool.
- No?

- Don't tell anybody
I'm smoking weed.

I don't tell any people.

I don't, like, "Hey,
I'm smoking weed."

But there's a name for
it, Marijuana Maintenance.

- I tell everyone
that I'm smoking weed.

(wave crashing)

(water bubbling)

* I know that people talk

* Some tell me what they say

* It used to get to me, but
I won't change my ways *

* As time goes by,
I will never lie *

* I don't care if anyone knows

- Suicide
Hotline, hello?

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi, who's this?

- Jane.

- Jane, okay.

Jane, what are you doing, Jane?

- What am I doing,
or what do I do?

- What do you do, Jane?

- I'm a legal assistant.

- Okay, so why'd you
call Suicide Hotline?

You okay?

- Well, that's an
interesting question.

I mean, what kind of responses
do you get to that question?

- Bitch.

Well, it's what I'm
told to ask, Jane.

I just wanna know,
and plus, I do care.

That's why I do
this fucking job.

I do it 'cause I
care about people.

(phone ringing)

- Can you hold, please?

- Wait, hey Jane!

- Hi, Tate and Associate.

- Fuck, I hate this fucking job.

This shit sucks.

Hold this call all
the fucking time.

- I'm sorry about that, I
had to take a work call.

- Yeah, well, you're working.

Most people are
looking for jobs.

It's good you got a job, Jane.

- I don't want to be here.

- Well, then go take a break.

Take a lunch break.

- No, no, I don't
want to be here.

- Well shit, I mean, how
can I help you with that?

You sound a little
drowsy, are you okay?

I mean, are you drinking
or something, Jane?

(Jane laughs)

- Yeah, yep.

- Okay well, so
that's all right.

- Oh, this is stupid.

(cellphone ringing
with rap ringtone)

- Oh fuck, Jane.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I have a life too, Jane.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

- I gotta go.

- No Jane, don't hang
up, don't hang up!

(Jane sighs)

Bitch, fucking.

(coughing)

- Hey, John?

What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- Bullshit, I just
saw you smoking.

Why are you denying it?

- What are you doing, man?

Why aren't you at work?

- I'm on my lunch break.

If you had a job, you'd
know what that was.

You know he's trying
to get sober, right?

- Yeah, so?

Why are you barging
in my mom's house,

harshing my buzz, bro?

- Good friend.

- He is a good friend.

- Yeah, I don't see you
letting him live at your house.

- He has.
- Not now.

- You've been
taking dirty chips.

- No, that's I've--

- You've been
taking dirty chips.

You're lying.

You're lying, I
know you're lying!

You're lying, you're
taking dirty chips!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey bro.

You're getting a little too
"Sex and the City" for my taste,

and not even the good one,

it's like the sequel where
they go to Zimbabwe and shit.

Hey man, if you need it, and
Carrie, take care of Samantha.

You know how she gets.

- Don't look at
me like that, man.

If you had my life,
you'd kill yourself.

- Just listen, John, you
can do whatever you want.

I'm not gonna judge you.

I'm still your friend, but you
know the path it goes down.

It's smoking, drinking, coke.

- Relax, okay.

It's just a hit of pot.

It's not gonna kill me.

- Listen man, I'm there for you.

Will you please
come to a meeting?

- I am coming, I'll come.

I am coming to the meeting.

- Look at me, promise?
- Yeah, I promise.

I promise!

Give me some water will ya?

You got a sippy cup in there?

- I do not know why
I'm your friend.

- Don't help me, man.

I'm not taking a
newcomer chip, all right?

I don't want judgmental
Billy's eyes,

like, trying to shame me.

I just want to see
if Jane comes back.

- Jane, why?

- Why?

'Cause, fuck, I mean, she's
the hottest chick in the world.

She's beautiful and I had a
dream about her last night.

- Yeah, I creamed
about her last night.

- Hey, respect my girl, man.

- You think you
got a shot with her?

- I know I do.

- I bet you all the money
you owe me you can't.

- You'll bet me all the money
I owe you I can't get her.

- I will bet you
all the money you owe me,

you can't get her.

- Define get her?

- The 13th step,
and all rules apply.

But don't act like a baby.

Last time Larry and I
destroyed you with Anna,

now Anna's all on your
shit, and Anna all in you,

and now she hates you and
you complain to Larry and I.

- Anna, don't, Anna's
fucking nuts, right?

Anna does not count.

Anna, no Anna.

This is Jane.

Bet.
- Bet.

Money in the bank.

- You haven't
called me in awhile.

You know, if you want
me to be your sponsor,

I said you had to
check in occasionally.

So, what's going on with you?

- Nothing, I'm good.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Really, you can't even
look me in the eye, buddy.

What's happening, huh?

I'm serious about this,
if I don't hear from you,

I'm gonna assume you're
not taking it seriously,

you don't need me
as a sponsor, okay?

'Cause I don't want
to sponsor people

who don't take the
program seriously, right?

You got it?
- Okay.

- You got it?

- I'm gonna miss you,
but I'm in the cards.

- They're all assholes, eh?

All right, meeting
time everybody.

I only have one announcement.

Somebody had their dog
shit in the neighbor's yard

and did not clean it up,

and I got in big
trouble because of it.

So, let's not do
that anymore, okay?

I mean, who has the audacity

to not clean up their
dog's shit, right?

If we don't clean
up our dog's shit,

the world's gonna be
covered with dog shit.

- That's the type of shit
I'm always complaining about.

- Right, it's like a
metaphor, but it's...

And by the way, I'm
assuming it was dog shit.

Knowing you guys, who knows?

Anyway, subject of
tonight's meeting,

surrendering to
your higher power.

- Look who decided to
grace us with her presence.

- At least I made it.

- Ugh, so superior.
- What?

- All right, who'd like
to start the shares

on tonight's subject?

Who wants to share next

that was not super
late for the meeting?

- I had a good reason.

- What, were you getting stoned?

- No, but I'm sure you'd
like to burn one with me.

- Respect the meeting.

- Well, she started it.

- Who wants to share?

- I've seen a lot of
people like you, Roxy,

and that's why I'm upset.

I'm upset for you because I
feel like if you don't clean up,

I'm gonna see you and then
you're gonna be in the hospital,

and you'll be in jail,
and then you'll be dead,

and I, I'm just scared
for you, that's why.

I'm resentful and afraid.

- Well, if you'd let me share,
maybe I won't kill myself.

- Oh my god!
- Come on, really?

- Rose, don't jump into this.

How do you know it's
drama and not real?

- All right ladies, Roxy,
would you please share.

- I would like to share.

- Okay, please do.

- I mean, come on, man.

I thought we were supposed to
be able to be vulnerable here.

I can relate to you,
and you, and you,

and you, and you, and
you, and you, and you.

What you just said,

I feel it.

Now listen, man,

my mom died like about
a month and a half ago.

You guys don't know that because
you don't know me at all,

but I was very close to her,

and since then I've been really
spiraling out of control,

and I'm scared and I don't
know what to fucking do.

I don't want to end up alone
like my mother with nothing,

except my guitar, and that's it.

You know, my guitar's
my best friend.

I mean, how lame is that?

I mean, come on, man.

I'm done, I'm done sharing.

Share away. (sighs)

- Okay, thank you, Roxy.

Thank you.

Um, Deen, what's going on today?

- To accept the
things I cannot change,

the courage to change
the things I can,

and the wisdom to
know the difference.

(phone buzzing)

- So I can call you?

I mean, I will call you.
- Yes, yes, John.

- I will call you.

- You can call me.
- Okay thanks, goodnight.

- Bro, I'm trying to eat here.

- I have a hot chick's
phone number in my phone.

She gave me her number,
she put it in my phone,

and she said I could call her.

I should call her.

She's probably
just sitting around

waiting for me to call her.
- Dude, just call her already!

It's been like, three
days of this shit.

You're like an
eight year old girl

trapped in my
grandfather's body.

- You don't know what
it's like to be my age.

- I don't.

- But I know what it's
like to be your age,

'cause I've been there.
- True.

- These kids these days are,

all you ever do are
you're looking at,

it's all porn for you.

- Yeah.

- Maybe she's calling me.

Nope.

(light guitar music)

- I will, yes.

I will tell him right away.

(phone ringing)

Best to you.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Jane, it's John
from the meeting.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

What are you doing?

- I am working.

- Ooh, sorry.

I was just calling just to see

if you wanted to watch
that movie with me tonight.

- Uh, yeah, sure.

Fine, I don't have any plans.

- Great, what's your address?

- Why are we
going to my place?

- Oh well, I mean,
I, I have a roommate.

I share a room with a roommate.

- You share a room?

- It's, um, he's
my surfing buddy,

and we share a beach
house, you know?

It's like--

- Fine, I'll text
you my address.

- Yes, cool, great!

I'll bring popcorn.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Um, we're just watching
a movie, right?

- Oh no, yeah, no.

I know, I'm not,
I don't do that.

I can't do that, I mean,
I don't even know you,

but we should just get
to know each other.

Like maybe I'll massage
your neck or something.

Okay, I'll see you at eight.

(energetic rock music)

(bong bubbling)

Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane.

Jane, Jane, Jane,
Jane, Jane, Jane.

How's my hair?

- Solid.

- Nose hairs?
- Check.

- Tongue flash?
- Check.

- How's my hair look?

- Still solid, bro.

You could be like a
Solid Gold dancer.

- Exactly.
- Flex your pecs for me.

You can't wear that shirt,
you wore it yesterday.

It smells like wet
dog and low tide.

- Oh, good call,
good catch, man.

(energetic rock music)

(sighs)

- Solid.

- Bag?
- Check.

- Movie?
- Check.

- See ya.

- You're all set.

You're like an Eagle Scout.

* The dance on stars
and fly on vibes *

* And scream on trains

(sniffing)

(coughing)

- Hi.

- I brought porn.

Corn, I brought the movie and
some popcorn and some soda.

- Great, um, please come in.

- Okay.

- You can, you can have
a seat if you want.

Did you pop this at home or
did you get it from a theater?

- Which would be
the best answer?

- The truth.

(John laughs)

- I get it from a theater.

It's just a day old,
they're gonna throw it away,

and I'm a freegan, so it's free.

- You know, it's okay.

I'm just gonna out
this right here, okay.

Did you seriously

bring an open box of condoms?

- No, that's my roommate
must've put that in the bag, I--

- No, no, no, shh!

What were you
expecting to happen?

- Nothing, I know nothing's
gonna happen here.

Let's just, let's
just eat some porn.

- What?

Just eat some popcorn
and watch the movie.

You have a really
nice apartment.

How long have you lived here?

I mean, there's nothing in here.

- I'm just, I like things
around me to be neat.

I'm OCD.

- Me too.

Wait, what does that mean?

- Obsessive compulsive disorder.

- I know, but what?

I mean, what?

Are you a neat
freak or something?

You like to clean,
that's awesome.

You like to cook?

- I cook.
- Ah, nice.

You want to have kids?

- Stop talking.

Please, sit down.

Just sit down on the couch.

- That's a firm couch.
- Yes it is.

- Hmm.

I'll be good.

- Oh no, no, no.

You're not gonna be good.

(sighs)

- It's good.

* I need someone

* Whoa, I need someone

* I need someone,
someone like you *

Ah jeez, you're
really good at that.

(moaning)

- Whoa.

- You all right?
- Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

(moaning)

I can do this all night, baby.

Oh yeah.

(mumbling)

Oh yeah.

(moaning)

- Oh yeah, oh!

Ow!

Yeah!

(moaning)

- Oh my god, I haven't
done this in awhile.

All right.

I'm coming, oh,
I'm fucking coming.

- Oh yeah.
- Oh my god!

Oh, I'm coming!

Oh, I'm coming.
- Yeah.

- Oh my god!

Wow, oh my god.

Oh my god.

- Oh.

(snoring)

- Oh, thank god.

- I'm really not
a morning person.

I've gotta get ready for work.

- I wanna make you
feel good again.

- Oh, I don't want to feel good.

I just want to sleep.

- It's okay, I like that.

You be asleep.

I'll go so quick, you
won't feel a thing.

(energetic rock music)

- Laundry day, sweet.

He shoots he scores.

- If I do your laundry,
it's 100 bucks.

- Dude, you're cleaning like
you got laid or something.

What's up?

- I did!

- Oh shit, that's headline news.

When's the parade?

- It was awful.

He was like a jackhammer
and he was just,

he kept going and going, and
going, and going, and going.

- Oh, that sounds terrible.

Why didn't you stop?

- You can do that?

- I cannot bring her over here.

This is a pig sty,
man, and she's OCD.

- Whoa, this must be some
Superfly Jimmy Snuka pussy

if it got you cleaning
like this. (laughs)

- Yeah, she's the best pussy
I've ever had in my life.

- Boys will be
boys in any circle.

(Jane coughs)

- Wait, does he have a
disease or something?

- No, just, um, well,

John is...

- What?

- He's a loser.

(moody rock music)

- Hey.
- Hi gorgeous.

The usual?

- Uh, no.

The big one, please.

- Ooh, upgrade.
- Yep.

- There you go.

48, please.

(ice cubs rattling)

(exhales)

- Okay, I've only got
one announcement tonight.

You know why we love

having homeless people
come to this meeting?

I mean, besides the fact
they're inspirational and,

it's because they never
ever park their fucking cars

in front of the
neighbor's driveway, ever.

They never do that.

So please, stop that, okay?

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Oh shoot.

Okay, who wants to
start the shares?

Anna?

- I'm Anna and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Anna.

- I'm seriously starting
to wonder, what matters?

Like I mean, I'm
really spiritual.

I think I just need a new
boyfriend, a real one.

Not some loser,

always after a new piece
of ass, talking about,

"Baby, if I owned the world,
it would be all yours."

But all he ever has
is a pending tab and,

(speaking in foreign language)

Mama didn't raise no fool.

I got my head on right,

and I'm coochie real
tight, thank you.

- Ooh, did she just say
she had a tight coochie?

- Okay, thank you, Anna.

- Thank you, Anna.
- Thank you.

- Hey Anna.
- Hey.

- Hilda?

- Hi, I'm Hilda,
I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Hilda.

- I'm really having a hard time.

You know, I know what I'm doing.

For months now, I have been,

um, hiding vodka in my shower,

in the shampoo bottle.

I take showers like
three times a day.

It's the stupid, I'm the
cleanest alcoholic probably.

I'm so ashamed.

I just couldn't sit
here and not tell you.

That's all.

You're only as sick as
your secrets, right?

Thanks.

- Thanks Hilda.
- Thank you.

- John?

- My name's John,
I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi John.

- And also as sick
as my secrets.

Thank you for that share.

I've been taking dirty chips.

I've been smoking pot and
I'm just fucking sick of it.

I'm sick of my own bullshit.

I'm just, I'm not, I'm
like a 40 year old child.

- You're still lying.

- I'm like a 42 year old child.

- You're still lying.

- I can't fucking
tell the truth, man.

I'm like, I come to
these meetings, I share,

like I think I'm
trying to be cute

or I'm trying to be
cool or something,

but I'm just a fucking
scared little kid, man.

I'm afraid to grow up.

I'm afraid of the feelings.

My mom gave me everything
I have, you know?

She gave me everything I'll
ever be and I'm ever gonna be.

I just fucking wasted it.

She's not gonna live
to see me do anything.

(crying softly)

And I'm gonna fucking
bury her or something,

burn her fucking shit.

I'm just gonna be a fucking
drunk, a fucking street guy,

but look, you know, fuck!

I just wanna fuckin' take
responsibility for myself.

You guys, I've been
depending on you,

and you guys have
been carrying me,

but I'm gonna take some actions
and be accountable for like,

little simple
things like my time.

I got three days.

I'm three days sober.

- Thanks, John.

(light rock music)

- I'm fucking
lying to everybody.

I tell everybody I'm
sober, but I'm not.

I fucking leave here and
go get a fifth, you know?

I know it's tough.

- Really?

* Something's gonna happen

* You're staring
off now to the sky *

* We're staring off now

(energetic drum music)

- Fuck Roxy, you scared me.

- Hey dude, can I have
a bite of that, please?

I'm starving, come on.

- You can have it,
have the whole thing.

- You want a roach for it?

- Okay.

Hey, thanks for
never ratting on me.

I don't need this
anymore though, thanks.

You keep it, if you want it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- All right.

- All right.
- Your loss.

- Have a good day.
- Okay.

- Hey, man.

- Hey, John.

- Hey, you were right, man.

You were right about everything.

I'm not okay.

I'm obsessing about the girl,
I'm obsessing about her.

What should I do?

(Billy sighs)

- Meditate and pray to
remove the obsession.

- Yeah, does that work though?

- John, you know what?

We've been having

this same fucking
conversation for four years.

You sound like a
goddamn 12 year old boy.

- You say the same
thing every time too,

that's all you ever say.

You say the same shit to
me and it doesn't work.

- You're wasting
my fucking time.

There's 50 other guys
that I could be helping.

If you want to be dishonest,
this is bullshit, John!

This is fucking bullshit,
everything you say is bullshit.

I have to play along with it.

If you don't want my help,

if you don't want to be
sober, I don't give a fuck!

If you don't want to
live, I don't give a fuck.

That's your life, but don't
fucking waste my time, John!

- I do it, I'm on
my knees saying it,

and it's like I'm stupid.

It's like math, it's
like hocus, I don't--

- People that actually
fucking listen to me,

and they get better,
but you don't,

and you're just doing the same
goddamn shit over and over,

and the same fucking stupid
questions about pussy.

- But what did you do?

Just tell me what you did,
what do you think I should do?

Just tell me what you
did, I don't care.

Don't tell me what
you think I should do,

just tell me what
you did that worked.

- Meditate and fucking pray
to remove the obsession, John!

Got it?

- Okay.

All right, I get it, thank you.

- Okay, call me later.

(breathing heavily)

(inhaling)

- Hey God,

I want to thank you in advance

for putting Jane in
my life and helping,

helping me get her, and
we can get Jane together.

So, if I do get Jane, I
won't ever smoke weed again,

and I'll try to think of others

instead of just
myself all the time.

I feel better already.

Thank you.

* Oh, my gun is in my hand

* I'll have to make my
stand in the highlands *

* And Lord, it's
getting hard to ride *

* The bullet in my
side took its toll *

* Oh, the sheriff
spoiled my plan *

* To be the richest
man in the highlands *

- Hey Rose, yeah, it's me.

* Now I have to say
goodbye to my girl *

* Oh, oh, oh

* Give me the time to spend

* One more night with
the lover of mine *

- Hey Mom.

- What do you want?

- I just came over to see you.

I miss you.

- Yeah, right.

- It's pretty obvious.

- Anytime you come
over unannounced,

it's always about money.

- I just need 500 bucks
for rent this month.

It's been a really slow month.

- It's always a slow month.

When are you gonna
get a real job?

- I have a real job, Mom.

I just, I need more clients.

It's summer, so it's a slow
season for surf lessons.

It's not for drugs.

It's just for rent.

I don't drink, I smoke
a little pot sometimes.

A little pot.

I'm trying, I'm
doing the best I can.

I just gotta get, I just
gotta get over this month.

- It's the last
time I'm doing this.

I mean it.

You're a 45 year old baby.

- Ouch.

See ya.

- John!

Come back and sit down.

What's gonna happen
to you when I'm gone?

You know, I'm gonna be fumigated
and stuck in the ground.

There's not gonna be any
big inheritance coming.

- I know, I know.

- You gotta get
your shit together.

You gotta find a good woman.

Be a good husband
and be something.

Otherwise you're just gonna be

some loser son of a
bitch like your dad.

It's long overdue
that you stand up

and take responsibility
for yourself.

Stop poaching off of me.

You just, shape up and be a man,

'cause that's the last goddamn
check I'm gonna write to you.

- Your sponsors are
constantly here.

Oh, there she is.

Hey Jane, Jane!

Hey.

- Oh god, there he is.

- Don't let it get to you.

Just ignore him,
come on, come on.

- That was smooth.

- I don't know,
she didn't call me.

She didn't write me, she
didn't text me, that's weird.

- Hey Rose.
- Hey Rosie.

- Hi guys.
- Hey Rose.

- Hey Jane, what's up?

- Screw you.

- Whoa.
- What?

Hey, hey, what's with the
Jekyll and Hyde attitude?

- Yeah.

- You're a rapist.

- What?
- Whoa, hey.

Wait a minute, John's a
loser, but he's not a rapist.

- Hold on, I didn't rape her.

I did not rape you,
take that back.

- Take it back.

- You're right, you're right.

You didn't rape me, but you
certainly helped yourself

to seconds the next morning
while I was trying to sleep.

- Nothing wrong with that.

- My recollection, Jane,
is that we came together,

and it was real
hard and beautiful.

- Oh, I faked it.

- Ooh, she faked it.
- No, no, no, no.

- You didn't come?

Not even a little squirt?

- Jesus.
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Look, I'm calling DQ, okay?

You lost the bet, you
still owe us money.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you bet on me?

- No.

- Yes, you did.

- Ugh!

- Don't ever talk to me again.
- Just come back.

- You guys are fired.

- Fired, for what?

How's this my fault?

You didn't make her
come and it's my...

John!

- Yeah, you're pathetic.

- John!
- You guys are so uncool.

- Uh, hi, my name's Deen
and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Deen.

- Yeah, how do you do?

I've been sober for
like, four hours,

and I got, I had this sponsor,

and he fuckin' told me that
I had to get off all my meds,

and it's like, I got
subscriptions to like,

Adderall and suboxone, and like,

I don't know how I could
fucking cope without them.

I don't even know how I
could wake up in the morning,

or even go to sleep,
and it's like,

he told me that's how I
had to be really sober

to get off of those
and it's like,

I just, anyway I lost him.

I lost that sponsor
and it's, uh,

(sighs)

it's been a hard day.

(crickets chirping)

- Hey Jane, hey Jane, Jane!

- Don't!

Don't touch me.

- I just want to talk.

I just want to talk to you.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

What do you want to talk about?

- I just want to know why

you said those terrible
things about me.

- Did you even know

there was another human
being in the room?

- It's been so long since
there's been another human being

in the room with me. (laughs)

It was, hey, let's
watch another movie.

I'll make it up to you.

- No way, John.

- Jane, give me another chance.

- No!

You know why, John?
- Why, why?

- Because you are
totally undateable.

- What does that mean?

- It means please stay
the fuck away from me.

- You missed a
good meeting, bro.

- Hey Brutus, come here.

- Brutus?
- It's okay, come on back.

I'm not gonna hit you.

Brutus, hey, Jane just
called me undateable.

What does that mean?

- Yeah, so what?

You are.

- But what?

I'm smart, I'm funny, I
got a nice body, big dick.

What's the problem?

- First of all, you
don't have a car.

You don't have a job.

You share a room with
a dude named Fishbone.

- Hey, he didn't even
ask me out on a date.

He just assumed that
he was gonna come over.

- He can't afford
to take you out.

He borrows money
from his mother.

- What a guy, you
don't want that.

What?

- It's Adam.

- Crack is calling.

- You got a crack dealer?

- No, it's my ex.

He's just...

You know, I occasionally sleep
with, I really liked him.

- I am an old, broke,

no car, no house,
no health insurance,

surf instructor,
alcoholic, drug addict.

I do not look good on paper.

So, what do I
bring to the table?

I am smart, I am funny, I have
a nice body, and a big dick,

and I bake fantastic cookies.

So, what is the plan?

- Hey, John.

- Get out of my house.

- Man, you're
acting like a baby.

You know the rules

when it comes to betting
on the 13th step.

- Were you up inside
of her vagina?

Were you inside of her vagina?

- No John, I was not
inside her vagina.

- Okay good, because I
was inside of her vagina.

(Scott laughs)

- Okay.

- I was in her vagina
when she had an orgasm.

Who are you gonna believe?

- Listen, it doesn't matter.

There's a foreigner in the game,

and he's definitely
not on the team.

- How do you know?

- Jane got a text, a booty call.

- Jane got a booty call text?

- Yeah, from some
guy named Adam.

I think he's a
crackhead, crack dealer.

- Okay, wait a minute.

Is he a crackhead
or a crack dealer?

- He's rich.

- He's rich?

- And younger.

- He's younger than I am?
- Yeah.

- And he's richer than I am?

- Yeah, and I think
she loves him.

- Why do you think
she loves him?

- Because she said, quote,
"He would be a great father."

- She said that?

- Yeah.

- Okay, where is she?

- Probably putting
on something sexy.

- Give me your keys, give
me the keys to your car.

That was a good choice.

Now you can have a cookie,

and you're back on
the team, buddy.

- Oh, and she said
one more thing.

It's Saturday night
and she wants good sex.

(energetic rock music)

(sighs)

* Wanna be bright but I
confess I never cared *

* Terminal boredom,
terminal boredom *

* A pee-chee stained with
drool is lying on the stairs *

* Terminal boredom,
terminal boredom *

* Feet don't move
any other way *

* Arms lie still,
eyes begin to glaze *

* And just last night
I heard my baby say *

* Terminal boredom, boredom

* Terminal boredom, boredom

* Tell me something dumb

* Or something cute
over the telephone *

* Terminal boredom,
terminal boredom *

* I need to be distracted,
I don't want to be alone *

* Terminal boredom,
terminal boredom *

* Can't stay fixed,
every single day *

* Boredom creeps,
ain't even afraid *

- Just a little.

* Terminal boredom, boredom

* Terminal boredom, boredom

- Oh!

(moaning)

- Oh my god.

- Oh shit!

- Is this what you do
when I'm out of town?

- No babe, this isn't happening.

- This isn't happening?

I just saw you eating out
this whore in my kitchen.

- I am not a whore.

Who are you?

- This is my house and
this was my fiance.

- Fiance, what?

You told me this was your
house for the last year.

- Wait, you've been sleeping
with her for a year?

- It was not that long.

- What the fuck, you bitch!

(shouting)

You whore!

- You bitch!

- Okay, that's it,
I am done with this!

- No, no, no!
- Babe, no babe, no!

No, shit!

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- I am done, I am done!

Don't you ever call
me babe again, ever!

Just get your whore and get
the fuck out of my house.

- Okay!

- Don't call my
girlfriend a whore.

- What?
- Who the fuck are you?

- I'm her boyfriend.

She's my girlfriend.

- I'm not your girlfriend.

Why the hell did you get here?

- Baby, I was making us
chocolate chip cookies

with the sea salt like you
like, and Scott came over,

and said you were getting a
booty call from some crackhead.

So I got upset because you are
my girlfriend, and you know,

I called you but you
didn't pick up your phone,

so I took his car
and I followed you.

- No, no, no.
- You have to stop talking!

Just stop talking.

- Stop and get the fuck out.

- Thank you.
- Go, go, go, go!

- Walk.

- Seriously,
get the fuck out!

- Babe, babe--

- What the fuck
were you thinking?

- Babe, come on, come on.

It was only one time!

- You fucking bitch!
- Oh!

- How dare you follow me!

- I care about you.

Baby, you shouldn't be driving.

I don't want you
sleeping with that jerk.

You are my girlfriend.

- I am not your girl.

- I got your purse.

- That's not mine.

- That guy doesn't even surf!

(car engine revving)

Goddamn it.

(light rock music)

- What is this?

What kind, like is it real?

'Cause I can't have dairy.

(light rock music)

- Hey, what happened?

- She hates me.

You ate all the cookies.

Those were for Jane.

- They were pretty good.

- That's my private journal.

- Yeah, I see that.

You know, I'm really touched.

You wrote some nice
things about me.

- Anything I can
do to get her back?

- No.

(light rock music)

(sniffing)

- Now what is it?

John.

"I wish we could
start all over again.

"Please accept my apology,

"and let me take you
out for a nice dinner.

"Please say yes."

- That was really sweet.

Are you gonna go
to dinner with him?

- We'll see.

(bus engine revving)

(background chatter)

- I ended up working on
Santa Monica Boulevard

with some other runaways
and we did tricks,

that's what they're called.

We sucked guys' dicks, you know?

And there was one
guy in particular, we
called him Old Spice

'cause he smelled like his
balls smelled like Old Spice,

like he put it on and then
he put it in his pants,

one of those fuckin' dudes.

And I mean, I could
tolerate the dick sucking,

but the Old Spice
was gagging me.

Hey guys, guy, hey John!

It's a meeting, please.

- I'm just trying to see

if she's gonna go
to dinner with me.

I'm sorry, Billy.

- Okay.

- Did you have to say
that in front of everyone?

- Say yes.

- Say you'll go to dinner with
him and then we can move on.

- I will go to dinner with you.

- All right, all right.
- That's gonna cost me.

- Okay, back to the meeting.

All right, amends.

- Screw amends, man.

I'm so sick of you people and
all your honesty bullshit.

I told my wife, okay?

I told her everything and
you know what she did?

She left me.

What am I supposed
to do now, huh?

Her lawyer's about
to scrape me clean.

And what, I'm supposed
to go back to some hooker

at some seedy hotel room?

- Thanks, Larry.

That's good, that's good.

Yeah Larry, right.

All right, who's next?

- She said yes!

Can I get that 100 bucks
that you said you'd loan me?

- I'm suicidal, man.

I don't have no
more money for you.

- Can't you see he's
suicidal, asshole?

His wife hates him.

She's probably gonna
sleep with another man.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

- Sorry, sorry, man.

Scott, please?
- No.

- I'll wash your car.
- No.

- I'll clean your house.
- No.

- I'll do your laundry?

- Will you do my
daughter's laundry?

- I'll be your slave.

- Wait, don't say that.
- That's disturbing.

- Don't say that.

- Yes!

What would I do without you?

- You'll pay me back, right?

- Oh yeah, totally.

Um, I don't have any
clean shirts or anything.

- What do you want me to
do, lend you a fucking suit?

- Yes, awesome!

- Rapist.

- How about this one?

This is the one.

- I don't like it.
- Yeah, I like it.

- No, it doesn't suit me.
- No, it's this one.

- No, it's not me, man.

I don't like it.

- Pick something you want.

- Anything I want?

(Scott sighs)

- Hey.

- What is he doing?

He didn't finish my laundry yet.

- Uncle John's on
his lunch break.

He's got a date.

Want to help us find
something to wear?

- With a girl.
- Okay.

- How's this look?

- Goofy.

You don't look good.
- Goofy.

- Okay.

- He hasn't been on
a date since Anna.

- Oh, okay.

Wow.

You look fat, you look fat.

- I look fat?

- You look fat in this.

- Do I look fat?
- You look fat in this.

- Have I gotten fat?

Do you think I'm fat?

- I don't think you're fat.

You look fat in this suit.

- You look fat, change it.

- I don't know what to wear!

- Try the black one.

- No, that's my favorite suit.

- Black one?

- It's his first date in awhile.

Come on already.

That looks nice.

- It's nice, it's nice?

- Even I would date
you in that suit.

- No, you wouldn't.
- Really?

- Okay.

- It's really nice.
- Yeah.

- I'm just nervous, dude.

I don't know how
to act on a date.

- Just be yourself.

- No Dad, he can't be himself!

He can't be goofy,
he has to be nice.

He was to treat her like a
lady and tell her she's pretty,

and chew with your mouth closed,

and you can't fart
in front of her

and pull out your underwear
to let the wind out.

- You noticed that?
- Duh, you do it all the time.

- You do it all the time.

- What else should I do?

- You have to walk on the
outside of the street,

right, Daddy?

- That's correct.

- Are you gonna kiss her?
- I hope so.

- Daddy says good girls
don't kiss on the first date.

- That's correct.

- And you have to open
the car door for her.

- That's correct, the car door.

I need your car.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

- Come on, Daddy.
- No.

- I'm not taking a bus, dude.

- He can't take her on the bus.

What would you do?

- Your 10 year old,
10 year old daughter!

- Okay, take the car.

- Hey Lanie, you're my
favorite baby girl forever.

Number one!

- You have to finish my laundry.

- You're just a little
troublemaker too, my car, huh?

(Lanie laughs)

- No!
- Little smartypants.

(restaurant patrons chattering)

- For the lady.
- Thanks.

- For you, sir.
- Thank you.

- May I start you guys off
with a bottle of wine tonight?

Perhaps a light
peppery Sangiovese?

Or my personal favorite
is the Amarone.

It's a spicy, yet subtle--

- Just two glasses
of water, please.

- Oh, water.

No, that's perfect.

(upbeat acoustic music)

- I think you already said
you were gonna get it,

so I'm gonna get garlic too.

- We both have garlic.

- Not that that means anything.

- No, I know.

No, it doesn't.

- But we'll be
around each other.

- Um, so...

Mm.

- Okay, do you
taste all that food?

- It tastes great.

People who don't drink
aren't bad. (laughs)

- Twirling, twirling, twirling.

Yeah, and lift, ah!

Perfect bite.

- That was a perfect bite.

I like learning new things.

- I really like this restaurant.

- It's got a nice ambiance.

Is that right?

- You have a car,
I have a license.

I don't have a car, you
don't have a license.

I should drive your car.

- A little bit, right here.

- I have stuff on my face?
- Right here.

(Jane gasps)

- Oh my god!

Oh my god!

- It's okay, it's okay.

- No, I have to clean this.

Will you marry me?

- Wow, on our first date.

- That was not a no.

That's wasn't a no.

(upbeat rock music)

I'll say.

- I had a really nice time.

- So did I.

- So, you don't
want me to come up?

- I thought we were
supposed to start again.

- Yes.

- That's what you wanted.

- I know, I want, I said it.

You're right.

I mean it too, I meant it.

Well, when can I see you again?

- At a meeting.

- No, no, that doesn't count.

That's not the same.

Would you come surfing with me?

You said you wanted to try it.

- Okay.

- Oh, good.

- Okay, let's go surf Sunday.

- Let's go surfing Sunday.

- I'd love to go.

- It's on then.
- Okay.

- All right.

- On the cheek.

- On the cheek.

(bright pop music)

(water splashing)

- Jesus, John,
obviously the date went great.

- It's a little stain, I got
a little stain on the suit.

- It's not a little stain.

You gotta get it dry cleaned.

- Put it on my tab.
- Tab?

You don't have a tab, no.

- I'm gonna pay
you back, come on.

- Pay me back?

Who have you paid back?

Name one person you paid back.

- My life's together, man.

I got a girlfriend now.

(Scott laughs)

- Get your life together,
you've got a girlfriend now.

You've gone out on one date,

that really doesn't
constitute a girlfriend.

- I'm gonna give
her surf lessons.

- What a scammer,
you're so cheap.

- I can see her in a bathing
suit, all wet and beautiful.

- Yeah, they all
get old eventually.

- She's different.

I think I'm in love with her.

- Oh my god, I'm
in love with her?

Oh, I'm in love with her
one date, that's called--

- What do you mean, they
all get old eventually?

Did Mom get old on you?

That's why you kicked her out?

- No, no, Daddy
didn't kick Mommy out.

Mommy left me.

- You mean she left us?

- Well, shes a drunk.
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Just, she wasn't a bad person.

It's not her fault.

She was a sick person
like me and your daddy.

- That's enough.

- I'll get your
suit dry cleaned.

You're out of gas.

- It's not like I didn't know.

Just like you thought I
didn't know what a hickey was.

- You know what a hickey is?

- Yeah, it's where
you suck on the neck.

- Okay. (laughs)

That's enough.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

- I wish I had a rich husband,

so I could lay by
the pool all day.

(Rose laughs)

- Well, it can be boring being
a tossed aside trophy wife.

(laughs)

- Okay.

- So, how was the date?

- He was so cute!

He wore a suit.
- No?

- Yeah.

- I've never seen
him in anything

other than flip-flops and
a dirty T-shirt. (laughs)

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- He's taking me for a
surfing lesson tomorrow.

- Oh no, you're dating
Undateable John.

- Oh, he's growing on me.

He likes me.

- Jane.

(light acoustic guitar music)

- If you could do
one or the other thing

for the rest of your
life, which would it be?

Surf or have sex with
a beautiful woman?

- Surf.

- That how I felt
when I was your age.

Now I'd rather be with a
beautiful woman than just surf,

so I can share surfing with her.

I want to share things with her,

and surfing's a beautiful thing,

and I want to share it
with my beautiful woman.

- So, it's
like community service?

- Yeah, you're being of service.

- So you're like,
helping other people,

by having sex with them?
- Yes, that's what I do.

That's what, exact, that's
what teaching surfing is,

and that's what
having good sex is.

You're helping the other person.

- Now see, that I can get with.

- Yeah.

- That I can go out at night,
and feel good about myself,

knowing that I'm gonna
help these girls.

- I used to think that way.
- You did?

- Yeah.
- So, you used to be cool?

- Yeah, a long time ago.
- What happened, man?

- I grew up.

(light acoustic guitar music)

(bus brakes screeching)

Hide that, you gotta hide that.

She's coming over right now.

In fact, you should hide too.

Just, can you just disappear?

- No way, bro.

I'm a check out
this toothless loser

you got coming over
from rehab. (laughs)

- Put a shirt on at least.

- This is my look,
I'm getting some sun.

- Hello, hello, knock, knock.

Hello, hello, hello.
- She's here.

- Knock, knock, knock.
- Hey, hey, Jane!

Hi.

- Hi!

- You look great,
thanks for coming.

- Thanks.

- This is my roommate, Fishbone.

- Hi, Fishbone.
- Just call me Bone.

Nice to meet you,
not so plain Jane.

I heard a lot about ya.

- Easy.
- Really, what?

- Oh, just that you make our
friend Johnny here so happy.

- That's sweet.

- You're late for
spinning or butt class.

What do you do?

- Yeah, today's abs and butt.

You should come by, Janie.

- No.
- Nice to meet ya.

- Yeah, and you.

- Okay, thank you.
- No, I'm just saying.

- Thanks for
everything, all right?

I mean that, do that thing.

Okay, he's a kid.

He's a nice kid.

Okay, this is for you, ready?

- Well, I don't
know how ready I am.

It's small, but I'm as
ready as I'll ever be.

- Nothing to be scared of.

I'm gonna take really
good care of you.

You're in really good hands.

- That's a huge board.

- I know, it's perfect
for what we're doing today.

Perfect tool for the job.

- Why do I stay cooped up

in my apartment all day long?

- Yeah, the ocean's
my higher power.

Riding waves is like
conscious contact

with a power
greater than myself.

I just don't like when
they trash it out,

do you know what I mean?

Okay, I'm gonna give you a
beginning standup surf lesson.

Are you a regular
foot or a goofy foot?

Okay great, perfect.

You're a regular foot.

I'm a goofy.

- Uh-huh.
- Bring your feet up.

- Good, press your back
foot down, stand up.

That's perfect, that's
exactly what we're gonna do.

(energetic rock music)

(Jane shouts)

(shouting)

* So screwed up

* So screwed up

* So screwed up

(Jane moaning)

(energetic rock music)

- Excellent, awesome,
oh, that's great.

Perfect, you're the best
surfer in the whole world.

- I can't believe.

I can't believe you did that.

- What?

- You came inside me.

- What's the problem?

You're my girlfriend.

We can have sex, baby,
it's good, it's okay.

- I could get pregnant.

- No, you cannot get
pregnant in the ocean, baby.

Everybody knows that.

- What?

- You can't get
pregnant in the water.

I thought you knew that.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, positive.

And I would never
have sex with a woman

I wouldn't want to
have a kid with anyway.

You're the best first
time surfer I've
ever seen in my life.

Awesome, want to go do it again?

- No, I'm okay.

Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm positive, baby.

Everybody knows that.

(water splashing)

I told you, you
were safe with me.

- Ha, no one's safe.

- You want to take a hot shower?

- Uh, no, I don't think so.

I think I'm gonna go home.

- Oh, don't go home, Jane.

Please, don't go.

- Oh, score!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

God, you shouldn't
have seen that.

That's my roommate's.

- Oh, I've been dying for a hit.

- I can't, I can't
let you do that.

I'm sorry.
- What?

Well, I can find my own weed.

But if you'd like, we
can smoke here together.

- Oh, that's really
manipulative.

- Jane, I can't
watch you get high.

I'd rather let you leave
than watch you hurt yourself.

- Hurt myself?

- Yeah, you smoke pot,
you're gonna drink again,

and if you drink again,

you're gonna start
taking those pills.

It's a vicious cycle.

So, I'd rather you stayed sober,

even if it meant that I
never got to see you again.

Do you want to watch
a movie instead?

- Yeah.

- My roommate's not home.

(laughing)

- Wow, you really
do share a room.

- Yeah, I think the maid came.

- Hey, this is really,
this is really tight.

- I know.

- I know.

- Want me to help
you take it off?

I can help you.

I've done it before, I've done
it a million times before.

It's no big deal, I'll do it.

- Okay, yeah.

But just halfway, halfway,

'cause the bathing
suit's gonna come off.

- You want to hold
the bathing suit down?

- Yeah, I'm gonna hold it.
- Okay, I'll do it from.

I'll do it from behind.

Okay, you ready?

- Okay.
- Ready?

- Yep.
- Here we go.

- Oh okay, hold on, hold on.

I gotta put up my hands.

Oh, oh, I'm stuck!

- Wait, hold on.

- I'm stuck!

What are you doing?

Don't do that.

- Do you like that?

- I don't like it,
it hurts right now.

- Okay, ready?

- One more time, one more time.

(Jane shouting)

- I'm so sorry!

It's gonna hurt.

You do it, you do it, you do it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Oh!
- Oh my god.

I'm sorry.

- Ow!

- We should make a
porno after this.

I'm just kidding.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Okay, I'm such a klutz.

Here, sit down on my bed.

It's the only safe
place in the room.

I swear to God, it's the
only safe place in this room.

I am a klutz and you're perfect.

Just, you don't even have to
lay down if you don't want to.

Do you want me to
get you something?

- Can I have a shirt, maybe?

- Yeah, you can have
one of my shirts.

- It
was you and your flapping jaw

that got Jesse into this mess.

(upbeat rock music)

- I'm gonna talk to you
about something serious.

I started taking classes
because I hate my job,

and I want to be a teacher.

I want to be a
kindergarten teacher.

- Oh my god, that's exactly,

that is the perfect job for you.

That's so good, Jane.

You're gonna be the best
kindergarten teacher.

Those little kids are gonna be,

oh, they're all gonna fall in
love with you just like I did.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You love me?

- Yeah, Jane, I love you.

Do you love me?

(Fishbone sighs)

Hey man, ta-da!

- What'd you do?

- Things are looking up, Fish.
- Nice!

Yes, they are.

You got a beautiful girlfriend,

and I got three boxes
of cereal. (laughs)

Hey, are you gonna move out?

- Eventually, right?

I mean, we, you knew this
was temporary, right?

- I most certainly did not
know this was temporary.

I was, I was committed to this.

I thought we were
bro-ing together.

Like bros do, they bro together.

They don't bro apart.

- You don't need me here.

You don't want me here.

I'm like a grand piano
chained to your waist, dude.

You're gonna be fine,
you're gonna be great.

Thank you though,
for everything.

- You mean that?
- Yes!

You're gonna be fantastic.

- So, I'll just be here
bro-ing by myself, okay.

- Okay, I'm gonna read, okay?

- I'll just drink
then, by myself.

- I love you.
- You're leaving.

- Dude, I just said I loved you.

I, I, I love you.

You've been awesome.
- I love you.

- I'm not leaving
'cause I don't like you.

We're not breaking up.

You're my friend,
we're in it for life.

We're friends forever.

Friends forever.

- I love you too, man.
- I know you do.

(light piano music)

(Jane sighs)

- Okay, I have one announcement
before we get started.

Rose, would you please bring
the candies starting next week?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Larry, I appreciated
you bringing the
candy last week but,

and it was sugar-free,
which was good,

but whatever made it sugar-free

also caused it to
be super gassy,

and somebody in this meeting

accidentally sharted
their fucking pants.

So, don't even.

You know, candy's
important here, Larry.

I'm telling you,

I bet there's been 12 people
that have come to this meeting

'cause they heard
about the candy

and then they stuck around,

so, no offense, you're done.

You're on it, okay.

All right, who wants to
start the share tonight?

Rose?

- I had a bit of a revelation.

I've been holding onto
the hope that my husband

would eventually
put down the bottle,

and remember that he loves me,

and I'm, I've been so
proud of my sponsee, Jane,

and how she's been
actually taking

some steps in getting
her life together,

and I realized that
I can't control them.

I looked in the
mirror yesterday and--

- I'm pregnant.
- What?

- I'm pregnant.
- Oh.

- Who's the father?

- You son of a bitch!

You told me we couldn't
get pregnant in the water!

- Oh no.
- That guy's brain dead.

Of course you can get
pregnant in the water.

- Holy shit!

- I'm a father.

That's the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me.

- Oh, fuck my life!

- Oh baby, I'll
take care of you.

- Let's get married, Jane.

Let's get married.

- What?
- Let's get married.

- John!
- Marry me.

- You don't even know me.

- I know I love you.

I'm gonna love you for
the rest of my life.

You're the mother of my child.

I felt like I knew you the
second you walked in the room.

(Jane crying)

It's okay.

- You don't even have a ring!

- I do.

I do have a ring.

It's an octopus.

- I know it's an octopus.

- He can't afford a diamond.

- He can't afford a wife.

- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Like, stop!

Stop!

This isn't meeting
appropriate, number one.

Number two, who gives a
shit about the ring, right?

You guys are having a baby.

It's grow up time for
both of you guys, okay?

Alcoholics are the
most narcissistic,

self-centered people
on the planet.

You guys, seriously.

Your life is over as
you know it, all right?

Effective now.

- Be my wife.

Say yes.

(light rock music)

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