Original subtitles

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sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Hi! Welcome to the "Robot Chicken" holiday... Aah!

Thank you for traveling the North Pole Express,

famous for its very low rate of passenger murders.

You'll never be murdered on the North Pole Express.

- Don't forget to tip your porter. - I almost missed this train.

I got on the Polar Express by mistake.

- They're different trains, you see. - I shall sit over there now.

So when we're on the crapper,

- you think it drops out on to the tracks? - I shall sit over there now.

- So you see, it's a different train. - Help!

- What's that? - Geez!

Santa's dead!

- Oh, what a shame, suicide. - Are you crazy?

- He was murdered. - Oh, no.

There goes our zero murder rate. Jesus!

Ask and you shall receive. Holy shit!

There's a killer on board. We need to get off this train.

Nobody gets off this train until the villain is caught.

- Jesus, can you help us? - I can, and I will,

and I'll even do it without my magic.

It would be faster with your magic.

Dad, take away my magic.

Now, let's solve this case. ♪ Do, do, do ♪

♪ Inspector Jesus on the case ♪

Let's see... Are you a butler? Did you do it?

You don't get be porter of the year

three years running by killing passengers

unless you kill them with good service. Wink.

- Are you done? - Yes, sir, I am.

Good because you're an inconsequential

character anyway. Everybody out!

You are contaminating my crime scene.

Is this one of those dinner murder mystery things?

Can I be the sexy maid?

How about you just be the suspect?

What time did you board the train?

Well, I got on two trains. Which one did you mean?

Are those whipping scars?

Santa whipped you to deliver presents faster, didn't he?

- That's a motive. - No, no, no, we all enjoyed the whipping.

- Hmm. - Do you want to know about the drugs?

I was just about to ask you that.

Oh, Santa has been doping us for years.

You see, he wants us bigger and stronger

'cause there's more and more people in the world

which means more presents and a heavier sleigh.

You know, I think I'm okay today if you don't want to...

Oh, yeah, baby.

You've never seen what that juice can do.

That's how we lost Prancer.

Aah!

Yep.

That's a reason to kill Santa for sure.

Steroids cost a fortune, lots of money moving around,

and in any crime, you follow the money.

Oh, that's right. Blame the nutcracker Jew.

There's a Jew? Can I meet him?

I wouldn't kill Santa. He saved my life.

Nutcrackers were the Cabbage Patch Kids of our time,

but after Woolly Willy came out, it was all over.

What did Santa bring you, honey?

- Firewood. - I felt worthless.

I was unemployable, but Santa said my little fist hands

were perfect for crunching numbers, and he gave me a job.

A job that can afford that mink hat,

that Rolex, that diamond pentagram?

It's the Star of David, and yes, I embezzled a skosh,

but I made Santa so much money.

I mean, who would begrudge a little for myself?

And boom goes the motive.

Santa caught you, so he had to die.

Solving crimes, typical Jesus, just like in the Bible.

What are you, mashugana? I wouldn't kill my cash cow.

There's a cow? Can I meet him?

But we know you're capable of murder

because, spoiler alert, the Jews killed me!

Jews didn't kill Jesus, Jesus. That's racism.

You're right. I'm sorry...

What are we doing?

Wasting time. This crime is unsolvable,

like Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Burgundy.

Huh, got something to say, Santa's arch nemesis?

I never hated Santa. I just hate children.

- Ain't that right. - Well, of course you do.

Yep, that's why I got my tubes tied.

Santa and I used to be a comedy team.

We went by Fatty and the Kramp. We were huge in the Catskills.

Hey, Krampus, what is mistletoe?

It's not a missile. It's not a toe.

Hey, maybe you beat children with it.

You know what? I'm just done with this.

Ah, we stayed friends.

♪ It always hurts to sleigh goodbye ♪

Oh, flood!

Aah!

♪ Avalanche won't stop Detective Jesus ♪

♪ Avalanche can't stop Inspector Jesus ♪

Oh, trapped, huh?

Oh, I'm going to enjoy watching you meat puppets

- devour Santa's corpse. - To get rid of the evidence!

Santa deserves it for what he did to my people.

The North Pole did not always belong to Santa.

My people once roamed the land by the thousands

before the Iron Sleigh arrived.

The white-bearded man promised to share the land,

but we were displaced.

Our noseless faces were defiled with carrots,

our pristine bald heads covered with top hats.

It was a nightmare!

- Wow, your flashback sucked. - Oh, does genocide bum you out?

So you killed Santa to avenge your people.

Doesn't matter anymore.

In 10 years, the North Pole will be lost to us both.

Oh, here we go with the global warming bullshit.

Inconsequential character my ass.

- I am the goddamn hero of this story. - Eh, you're a "C" plot at best.

Wait a minute. Where there's crumbs,

there's crimes every time. Inspector Jesus!

Not so fast, Ginger Spice.

Earlier, I saw crumbs outside Santa's door.

- That puts you at the scene. - I was with him last night.

Last I checked, crumbing's not a crime, baby Jesus.

- But adultery is. - Um, it is not.

- It's not? - It is not.

Well, it's not cool. You wanted him all for yourself,

but he wouldn't leave his wife, so you killed him.

I was fulfilling my dream of singing my heart

out for strangers when Big Red walked into my life.

♪ Remember to grease my pan ♪

♪ Give me all of your loving ♪

♪ Because you're my number-one man ♪

You've got a secret ingredient, kid,

but it takes more than talent to bake a star.

B-d-d-d-d-d!

Finally, the world would hear my music.

♪ N-P-F-L ♪

♪ North Pole For Life ♪

♪ DJ on the mike, Clause ♪

♪ On the ones and twos North Pole Productions, bitch ♪

♪ Don't forget about Dre ♪

But creative differences ruined everything.

Extra, extra!

Santa's album sells zero copies, also 9/11!

- So you killed him? - I loved him.

- Loved? - Okay, he was repulsive.

His balls were like chestnuts roasted over an open fire,

and his dick wasn't even ♪ Five inches long ♪

- Gross. - How do I know you didn't kill him?

You with your big, strong arms. Do you work out?

- I do CrossFit. - Nailed it!

Sorry, doll, you're not the first to be compelled

by the power of Christ.

You know, it could've been Jesus. Santa was his father.

What? He was not my father.

I thought Jesus was Santa's son, too.

I'm not Santa's kid. I'm God's kid.

Okay, I'm going to let you fuckin' idiots work this out

and go look for some more clues... by myself.

Solving crimes!

Ow!

What... what the fuck?

My feet! Who the fuck is doing this?

Real mature, guys.

CrossFit!

♪ Inspector Jesus chasing the killer ♪

♪ Don't need magic to catch him ♪

Jesus!

Surprised I'm not dead, Peppermint?

Well, it's not the first time I've been "double crossed."

- That's offensive. - Nailed it twice.

I knew if I went off by myself,

the real killer would make a move, and so she has.

I didn't do it.

Oh, God.

Peppermint is the killer, and Jesus for the win!

She hated Santa!

She told me it was hell in that toy factory...

no safety regulations, no bathroom breaks,

no casual Fridays.

It got so bad Santa had to install suicide nets.

Thought you'd take a break, huh? Well, back to work.

She tried to unionize, but Santa hired a strike-busting Bumble,

and Bumbles bounce your head against the curve if you unionize.

I'm not going down for this. The truth is...

- Who did that? - Don't look at me, baby.

Porter, please tell the authorities to be waiting at the next station.

I, Jesus Christ, without using any magic,

- have solved the crime. - You know who the killer is?

What did I just say?

You said, "Porter, please tell the authorities... "

Shut up, Comet!

Let me show you what happened in our most exciting flashback yet.

Santa's door wasn't forced

because he opened it himself for friends.

- Hello. - Stab! For the pole.

- For the pole. - For the pole.

- Fuckin' carrot. - For the pole.

For the... for the...

- for the pole. - There we go.

For the pole.

- You can't prove any of it. - I can prove any of it.

Krampus, your ukulele was out of tune,

exactly the way it would be if you stabbed someone with it.

Snowball, you're melting due to global warming,

and there was a small puddle of water near the body.

- Nutsy, you're a Jew. - Hey!

Ginger, I believe this belongs to you.

- Oh, fuck. - Ooh, what about me?

You've got tiny bits of entrails on your antlers.

- Yay, I'm implicated! - And Peppermint, she's dead.

So now we know all the reasons they wanted to kill Santa.

- Yes. - No!

- No? - The truth is we were all

in a fantasy football league together.

Santa was checking his naughty and nice list

to guess which players could be suspended,

thereby predicting the spread.

He cheated, and he deserved to die!

So he died for the greatest sin of all,

giving a shit about fake football.

But without you, Jesus, we go free.

Ow!

- Oh, fuck! - Jesus magic, I'm back, baby!

I-I hope that you enjoyed your time on the North Pole Express.

It was all right. Three and a half fishes, I'd say.

Wow, suicide.

- Ow, ow, these pinch! - Another murder mystery solved by

♪ Inspector Jesus, solving crimes ♪

- ♪ Boo-yah ♪ - You did it, my friend.

Cheese and crackers, you're alive?

I was in the locomotive the whole time,

pulling a train, if you know what I mean.

You know there are two trains?

- Then whose body was in your cabin? - Tim Allen.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Hello, Tim? Tim Allen?

Ah, yeah, that bit is going strong.

Who would have thought?

Moving on, do you want to help me with something, Tim?

Don't worry, Tim. This will be the safest ride

you've ever taken, and just in case,

I took out a billion-dollar life-insurance policy.

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~