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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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00:00:09,616 --> 00:00:13,563
Hi! Welcome to the "Robot
Chicken" holiday... Aah!
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00:00:20,767 --> 00:00:22,927
Thank you for traveling
the North Pole Express,
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00:00:22,951 --> 00:00:25,392
famous for its very low rate
of passenger murders.
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00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,843
You'll never be murdered
on the North Pole Express.
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00:00:27,877 --> 00:00:30,707
- Don't forget to tip your porter.
- I almost missed this train.
8
00:00:30,708 --> 00:00:32,710
I got on the Polar Express
by mistake.
9
00:00:32,744 --> 00:00:37,887
- They're different trains, you see.
- I shall sit over there now.
10
00:00:37,922 --> 00:00:39,405
So when we're on the crapper,
11
00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:43,893
- you think it drops out on to the tracks?
- I shall sit over there now.
12
00:00:47,587 --> 00:00:50,658
- So you see, it's a different train.
- Help!
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00:00:50,659 --> 00:00:52,038
- What's that?
- Geez!
14
00:00:52,039 --> 00:00:54,766
Santa's dead!
15
00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:57,734
- Oh, what a shame, suicide.
- Are you crazy?
16
00:00:57,735 --> 00:00:59,564
- He was murdered.
- Oh, no.
17
00:00:59,599 --> 00:01:02,428
There goes our zero murder rate.
Jesus!
18
00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:05,776
Ask and you shall receive.
Holy shit!
19
00:01:05,777 --> 00:01:08,017
There's a killer on board.
We need to get off this train.
20
00:01:08,041 --> 00:01:10,264
Nobody gets off this train
until the villain is caught.
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00:01:10,299 --> 00:01:13,447
- Jesus, can you help us?
- I can, and I will,
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00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:16,581
and I'll even
do it without my magic.
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00:01:16,616 --> 00:01:17,999
It would be faster
with your magic.
24
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,312
Dad, take away my magic.
25
00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:24,139
Now, let's solve this case.
♪ Do, do, do ♪
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00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:26,142
♪ Inspector Jesus on the case ♪
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00:01:26,177 --> 00:01:28,878
Let's see...
Are you a butler? Did you do it?
28
00:01:28,904 --> 00:01:30,768
You don't get be porter
of the year
29
00:01:30,802 --> 00:01:33,425
three years running
by killing passengers
30
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:36,427
unless you kill them
with good service. Wink.
31
00:01:36,428 --> 00:01:37,705
- Are you done?
- Yes, sir, I am.
32
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:39,258
Good because you're
an inconsequential
33
00:01:39,259 --> 00:01:40,639
character anyway.
Everybody out!
34
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,159
You are contaminating
my crime scene.
35
00:01:47,405 --> 00:01:49,718
Is this one of those dinner
murder mystery things?
36
00:01:49,752 --> 00:01:50,959
Can I be the sexy maid?
37
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,651
How about you just be
the suspect?
38
00:01:52,652 --> 00:01:53,995
What time did you board
the train?
39
00:01:53,996 --> 00:01:57,588
Well, I got on two trains.
Which one did you mean?
40
00:01:57,622 --> 00:01:59,071
Are those whipping scars?
41
00:01:59,072 --> 00:02:02,696
Santa whipped you to deliver
presents faster, didn't he?
42
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:05,698
- That's a motive.
- No, no, no, we all enjoyed the whipping.
43
00:02:05,699 --> 00:02:08,192
- Hmm.
- Do you want to know about the drugs?
44
00:02:08,193 --> 00:02:10,152
I was just about
to ask you that.
45
00:02:10,186 --> 00:02:12,188
Oh, Santa has been doping us
for years.
46
00:02:12,223 --> 00:02:13,923
You see, he wants us
bigger and stronger
47
00:02:13,949 --> 00:02:15,829
'cause there's more
and more people in the world
48
00:02:15,853 --> 00:02:18,194
which means more presents
and a heavier sleigh.
49
00:02:18,229 --> 00:02:20,429
You know, I think I'm okay today
if you don't want to...
50
00:02:20,818 --> 00:02:23,199
Oh, yeah, baby.
51
00:02:23,234 --> 00:02:24,890
You've never
seen what that juice can do.
52
00:02:24,891 --> 00:02:26,581
That's how we lost Prancer.
53
00:02:26,582 --> 00:02:27,789
Aah!
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00:02:27,790 --> 00:02:28,825
Yep.
55
00:02:28,826 --> 00:02:30,586
That's a reason to
kill Santa for sure.
56
00:02:30,621 --> 00:02:33,589
Steroids cost a fortune,
lots of money moving around,
57
00:02:33,624 --> 00:02:37,455
and in any crime,
you follow the money.
58
00:02:37,489 --> 00:02:40,802
Oh, that's right.
Blame the nutcracker Jew.
59
00:02:40,803 --> 00:02:42,148
There's a Jew?
Can I meet him?
60
00:02:42,149 --> 00:02:45,048
I wouldn't kill Santa.
He saved my life.
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00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:47,181
Nutcrackers were the Cabbage
Patch Kids of our time,
62
00:02:47,182 --> 00:02:49,190
but after Woolly Willy
came out, it was all over.
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00:02:49,191 --> 00:02:50,734
What did Santa bring you, honey?
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00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,400
- Firewood.
- I felt worthless.
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00:02:52,401 --> 00:02:55,818
I was unemployable, but Santa
said my little fist hands
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00:02:55,853 --> 00:02:59,338
were perfect for crunching
numbers, and he gave me a job.
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00:02:59,339 --> 00:03:01,686
A job that can afford
that mink hat,
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00:03:01,721 --> 00:03:04,275
that Rolex,
that diamond pentagram?
69
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:08,555
It's the Star of David,
and yes, I embezzled a skosh,
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00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,289
but I made Santa so much money.
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00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,214
I mean, who would begrudge
a little for myself?
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00:03:12,248 --> 00:03:14,043
And boom goes the motive.
73
00:03:14,078 --> 00:03:17,253
Santa caught you,
so he had to die.
74
00:03:17,288 --> 00:03:20,774
Solving crimes, typical Jesus,
just like in the Bible.
75
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:23,682
What are you, mashugana?
I wouldn't kill my cash cow.
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00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:25,053
There's a cow?
Can I meet him?
77
00:03:25,054 --> 00:03:26,953
But we know
you're capable of murder
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00:03:26,987 --> 00:03:29,783
because, spoiler alert,
the Jews killed me!
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00:03:36,790 --> 00:03:39,896
Jews didn't kill Jesus, Jesus.
That's racism.
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00:03:39,897 --> 00:03:43,624
You're right.
I'm sorry...
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00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:52,611
What are we doing?
82
00:03:52,612 --> 00:03:54,786
Wasting time.
This crime is unsolvable,
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00:03:54,821 --> 00:03:57,237
like Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Burgundy.
84
00:03:57,271 --> 00:04:00,274
Huh, got something to say,
Santa's arch nemesis?
85
00:04:00,309 --> 00:04:02,517
I never hated Santa.
I just hate children.
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00:04:02,518 --> 00:04:04,151
- Ain't that right.
- Well, of course you do.
87
00:04:04,152 --> 00:04:05,575
Yep, that's why I got
my tubes tied.
88
00:04:05,576 --> 00:04:07,350
Santa and I used to be
a comedy team.
89
00:04:07,385 --> 00:04:10,629
We went by Fatty and the Kramp.
We were huge in the Catskills.
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00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:12,735
Hey, Krampus, what is mistletoe?
91
00:04:12,770 --> 00:04:15,531
It's not a missile.
It's not a toe.
92
00:04:15,566 --> 00:04:17,266
Hey, maybe you beat children
with it.
93
00:04:18,983 --> 00:04:21,295
You know what?
I'm just done with this.
94
00:04:21,330 --> 00:04:22,537
Ah, we stayed friends.
95
00:04:22,538 --> 00:04:25,748
♪ It always hurts
to sleigh goodbye ♪
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00:04:25,783 --> 00:04:29,510
Oh, flood!
97
00:04:30,650 --> 00:04:32,029
Aah!
98
00:04:32,030 --> 00:04:33,929
♪ Avalanche won't stop
Detective Jesus ♪
99
00:04:33,963 --> 00:04:35,965
♪ Avalanche can't stop
Inspector Jesus ♪
100
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,898
Oh, trapped, huh?
101
00:04:37,933 --> 00:04:40,176
Oh, I'm going to enjoy
watching you meat puppets
102
00:04:40,211 --> 00:04:42,868
- devour Santa's corpse.
- To get rid of the evidence!
103
00:04:42,869 --> 00:04:45,837
Santa deserves it for
what he did to my people.
104
00:04:45,872 --> 00:04:48,357
The North Pole did not
always belong to Santa.
105
00:04:48,391 --> 00:04:51,394
My people once roamed the land
by the thousands
106
00:04:51,429 --> 00:04:53,638
before the Iron Sleigh arrived.
107
00:04:53,673 --> 00:04:56,641
The white-bearded man
promised to share the land,
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00:04:56,676 --> 00:04:58,228
but we were displaced.
109
00:04:58,229 --> 00:05:01,577
Our noseless faces
were defiled with carrots,
110
00:05:01,612 --> 00:05:05,408
our pristine bald heads
covered with top hats.
111
00:05:05,443 --> 00:05:08,446
It was a nightmare!
112
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,692
- Wow, your flashback sucked.
- Oh, does genocide bum you out?
113
00:05:12,726 --> 00:05:15,177
So you killed Santa
to avenge your people.
114
00:05:15,211 --> 00:05:16,695
Doesn't matter anymore.
115
00:05:16,696 --> 00:05:20,251
In 10 years, the North Pole
will be lost to us both.
116
00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:23,357
Oh, here we go with the global
warming bullshit.
117
00:05:23,392 --> 00:05:25,946
Inconsequential character
my ass.
118
00:05:25,981 --> 00:05:30,364
- I am the goddamn hero of this story.
- Eh, you're a "C" plot at best.
119
00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:32,297
Wait a minute.
Where there's crumbs,
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00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,896
there's crimes every time.
Inspector Jesus!
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00:05:35,922 --> 00:05:37,717
Not so fast, Ginger Spice.
122
00:05:37,751 --> 00:05:40,478
Earlier, I saw crumbs
outside Santa's door.
123
00:05:40,512 --> 00:05:43,445
- That puts you at the scene.
- I was with him last night.
124
00:05:43,446 --> 00:05:45,552
Last I checked, crumbing's
not a crime, baby Jesus.
125
00:05:45,586 --> 00:05:47,658
- But adultery is.
- Um, it is not.
126
00:05:47,692 --> 00:05:48,727
- It's not?
- It is not.
127
00:05:48,728 --> 00:05:51,350
Well, it's not cool.
You wanted him all for yourself,
128
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,594
but he wouldn't leave his wife,
so you killed him.
129
00:05:53,629 --> 00:05:55,700
I was fulfilling my dream
of singing my heart
130
00:05:55,735 --> 00:05:58,634
out for strangers when Big Red
walked into my life.
131
00:05:58,669 --> 00:06:02,189
♪ Remember to grease my pan ♪
132
00:06:02,224 --> 00:06:05,399
♪ Give me all of your loving ♪
133
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:08,851
♪ Because you're
my number-one man ♪
134
00:06:11,225 --> 00:06:13,538
You've got a secret ingredient, kid,
135
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:16,368
but it takes more than talent
to bake a star.
136
00:06:16,403 --> 00:06:18,370
B-d-d-d-d-d!
137
00:06:18,405 --> 00:06:21,339
Finally, the world
would hear my music.
138
00:06:21,373 --> 00:06:23,444
♪ N-P-F-L ♪
139
00:06:23,479 --> 00:06:24,686
♪ North Pole For Life ♪
140
00:06:24,687 --> 00:06:26,136
♪ DJ on the mike, Clause ♪
141
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:29,174
♪ On the ones and twos
North Pole Productions, bitch ♪
142
00:06:29,209 --> 00:06:30,450
♪ Don't forget about Dre ♪
143
00:06:30,451 --> 00:06:32,523
But creative differences
ruined everything.
144
00:06:32,557 --> 00:06:33,695
Extra, extra!
145
00:06:33,696 --> 00:06:36,181
Santa's album sells zero copies,
also 9/11!
146
00:06:36,216 --> 00:06:38,908
- So you killed him?
- I loved him.
147
00:06:38,943 --> 00:06:42,186
- Loved?
- Okay, he was repulsive.
148
00:06:42,187 --> 00:06:44,396
His balls were like chestnuts
roasted over an open fire,
149
00:06:44,431 --> 00:06:47,538
and his dick wasn't even
♪ Five inches long ♪
150
00:06:47,572 --> 00:06:50,020
- Gross.
- How do I know you didn't kill him?
151
00:06:50,021 --> 00:06:52,128
You with your big, strong arms.
Do you work out?
152
00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:54,509
- I do CrossFit.
- Nailed it!
153
00:06:54,510 --> 00:06:56,650
Sorry, doll, you're not
the first to be compelled
154
00:06:56,685 --> 00:06:58,133
by the power of Christ.
155
00:06:58,134 --> 00:07:01,205
You know, it could've been Jesus.
Santa was his father.
156
00:07:01,206 --> 00:07:02,793
What?
He was not my father.
157
00:07:02,794 --> 00:07:04,624
I thought Jesus
was Santa's son, too.
158
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:07,315
I'm not Santa's kid.
I'm God's kid.
159
00:07:07,316 --> 00:07:09,476
Okay, I'm going to let you
fuckin' idiots work this out
160
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,872
and go look for some
more clues... by myself.
161
00:07:11,907 --> 00:07:13,907
Solving crimes!
162
00:07:16,463 --> 00:07:17,463
Ow!
163
00:07:17,464 --> 00:07:19,154
What... what the fuck?
164
00:07:19,155 --> 00:07:22,745
My feet!
Who the fuck is doing this?
165
00:07:23,919 --> 00:07:26,438
Real mature, guys.
166
00:07:26,473 --> 00:07:28,958
CrossFit!
167
00:07:28,993 --> 00:07:31,236
♪ Inspector Jesus
chasing the killer ♪
168
00:07:31,271 --> 00:07:32,789
♪ Don't need magic to catch him ♪
169
00:07:32,790 --> 00:07:33,859
Jesus!
170
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,965
Surprised I'm not dead,
Peppermint?
171
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,968
Well, it's not the first time
I've been "double crossed."
172
00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:40,426
- That's offensive.
- Nailed it twice.
173
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,729
I knew if I went off by myself,
174
00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:45,216
the real killer would make
a move, and so she has.
175
00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:47,356
I didn't do it.
176
00:07:48,633 --> 00:07:50,116
Oh, God.
177
00:07:50,117 --> 00:07:53,638
Peppermint is the killer,
and Jesus for the win!
178
00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:55,294
She hated Santa!
179
00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:57,849
She told me it was hell
in that toy factory...
180
00:07:57,884 --> 00:08:00,507
no safety regulations,
no bathroom breaks,
181
00:08:00,541 --> 00:08:01,887
no casual Fridays.
182
00:08:01,888 --> 00:08:04,649
It got so bad Santa
had to install suicide nets.
183
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:06,724
Thought you'd take a break, huh?
Well, back to work.
184
00:08:06,755 --> 00:08:10,275
She tried to unionize, but
Santa hired a strike-busting Bumble,
185
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:13,346
and Bumbles bounce your head
against the curve if you unionize.
186
00:08:13,347 --> 00:08:15,486
I'm not going down for this.
The truth is...
187
00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,427
- Who did that?
- Don't look at me, baby.
188
00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:30,640
Porter, please tell the authorities
to be waiting at the next station.
189
00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:33,022
I, Jesus Christ,
without using any magic,
190
00:08:33,057 --> 00:08:35,783
- have solved the crime.
- You know who the killer is?
191
00:08:35,784 --> 00:08:37,484
What did I just say?
192
00:08:37,509 --> 00:08:39,580
You said, "Porter, please
tell the authorities... "
193
00:08:39,615 --> 00:08:41,064
Shut up, Comet!
194
00:08:41,065 --> 00:08:45,034
Let me show you what happened in
our most exciting flashback yet.
195
00:08:45,069 --> 00:08:46,789
Santa's door wasn't forced
196
00:08:46,813 --> 00:08:49,142
because he opened
it himself for friends.
197
00:08:49,176 --> 00:08:52,697
- Hello.
- Stab! For the pole.
198
00:08:52,732 --> 00:08:54,422
- For the pole.
- For the pole.
199
00:08:54,423 --> 00:08:56,390
- Fuckin' carrot.
- For the pole.
200
00:08:56,425 --> 00:08:58,323
For the... for the...
201
00:08:58,358 --> 00:09:01,162
- for the pole.
- There we go.
202
00:09:02,396 --> 00:09:03,362
For the pole.
203
00:09:06,677 --> 00:09:09,437
- You can't prove any of it.
- I can prove any of it.
204
00:09:09,438 --> 00:09:11,543
Krampus, your ukulele
was out of tune,
205
00:09:11,578 --> 00:09:14,305
exactly the way it would be
if you stabbed someone with it.
206
00:09:14,339 --> 00:09:16,583
Snowball, you're melting
due to global warming,
207
00:09:16,617 --> 00:09:19,551
and there was a small puddle
of water near the body.
208
00:09:19,586 --> 00:09:21,553
- Nutsy, you're a Jew.
- Hey!
209
00:09:21,588 --> 00:09:24,418
Ginger, I believe
this belongs to you.
210
00:09:24,453 --> 00:09:27,041
- Oh, fuck.
- Ooh, what about me?
211
00:09:27,042 --> 00:09:29,182
You've got tiny bits of entrails
on your antlers.
212
00:09:29,216 --> 00:09:32,806
- Yay, I'm implicated!
- And Peppermint, she's dead.
213
00:09:32,841 --> 00:09:35,740
So now we know all the reasons
they wanted to kill Santa.
214
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,051
- Yes.
- No!
215
00:09:37,052 --> 00:09:38,752
- No?
- The truth is we were all
216
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,676
in a fantasy football
league together.
217
00:09:40,711 --> 00:09:42,747
Santa was checking
his naughty and nice list
218
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,680
to guess which players
could be suspended,
219
00:09:44,715 --> 00:09:46,440
thereby predicting the spread.
220
00:09:46,475 --> 00:09:48,442
He cheated, and he deserved to die!
221
00:09:48,477 --> 00:09:51,998
So he died for
the greatest sin of all,
222
00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:54,586
giving a shit
about fake football.
223
00:09:54,621 --> 00:09:58,322
But without you, Jesus,
we go free.
224
00:10:08,117 --> 00:10:09,981
Ow!
225
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:14,779
- Oh, fuck!
- Jesus magic, I'm back, baby!
226
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:19,957
I-I hope that you enjoyed your
time on the North Pole Express.
227
00:10:19,991 --> 00:10:22,441
It was all right.
Three and a half fishes, I'd say.
228
00:10:23,408 --> 00:10:26,308
Wow, suicide.
229
00:10:26,342 --> 00:10:30,933
- Ow, ow, these pinch!
- Another murder mystery solved by
230
00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:32,970
♪ Inspector Jesus,
solving crimes ♪
231
00:10:33,004 --> 00:10:35,523
- ♪ Boo-yah ♪
- You did it, my friend.
232
00:10:35,524 --> 00:10:37,214
Cheese and crackers, you're alive?
233
00:10:37,215 --> 00:10:39,562
I was in the locomotive
the whole time,
234
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,495
pulling a train,
if you know what I mean.
235
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:43,220
You know there are two trains?
236
00:10:43,221 --> 00:10:47,017
- Then whose body was in your cabin?
- Tim Allen.
237
00:10:47,018 --> 00:10:49,518
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
238
00:10:49,752 --> 00:10:52,859
Hello, Tim? Tim Allen?
239
00:10:52,893 --> 00:10:54,792
Ah, yeah, that bit
is going strong.
240
00:10:54,826 --> 00:10:57,277
Who would have thought?
241
00:10:57,311 --> 00:10:59,072
Moving on, do you want to
help me with something, Tim?
242
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,080
Don't worry, Tim.
This will be the safest ride
243
00:11:02,109 --> 00:11:03,809
you've ever taken,
and just in case,
244
00:11:03,835 --> 00:11:06,940
I took out a billion-dollar
life-insurance policy.
245
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:12,490
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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