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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,231 --> 00:00:03,231 _ 2 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:09,581 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 3 00:00:09,616 --> 00:00:13,563 Hi! Welcome to the "Robot Chicken" holiday... Aah! 4 00:00:20,767 --> 00:00:22,927 Thank you for traveling the North Pole Express, 5 00:00:22,951 --> 00:00:25,392 famous for its very low rate of passenger murders. 6 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,843 You'll never be murdered on the North Pole Express. 7 00:00:27,877 --> 00:00:30,707 - Don't forget to tip your porter. - I almost missed this train. 8 00:00:30,708 --> 00:00:32,710 I got on the Polar Express by mistake. 9 00:00:32,744 --> 00:00:37,887 - They're different trains, you see. - I shall sit over there now. 10 00:00:37,922 --> 00:00:39,405 So when we're on the crapper, 11 00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:43,893 - you think it drops out on to the tracks? - I shall sit over there now. 12 00:00:47,587 --> 00:00:50,658 - So you see, it's a different train. - Help! 13 00:00:50,659 --> 00:00:52,038 - What's that? - Geez! 14 00:00:52,039 --> 00:00:54,766 Santa's dead! 15 00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:57,734 - Oh, what a shame, suicide. - Are you crazy? 16 00:00:57,735 --> 00:00:59,564 - He was murdered. - Oh, no. 17 00:00:59,599 --> 00:01:02,428 There goes our zero murder rate. Jesus! 18 00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:05,776 Ask and you shall receive. Holy shit! 19 00:01:05,777 --> 00:01:08,017 There's a killer on board. We need to get off this train. 20 00:01:08,041 --> 00:01:10,264 Nobody gets off this train until the villain is caught. 21 00:01:10,299 --> 00:01:13,447 - Jesus, can you help us? - I can, and I will, 22 00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:16,581 and I'll even do it without my magic. 23 00:01:16,616 --> 00:01:17,999 It would be faster with your magic. 24 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,312 Dad, take away my magic. 25 00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:24,139 Now, let's solve this case. ♪ Do, do, do ♪ 26 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:26,142 ♪ Inspector Jesus on the case ♪ 27 00:01:26,177 --> 00:01:28,878 Let's see... Are you a butler? Did you do it? 28 00:01:28,904 --> 00:01:30,768 You don't get be porter of the year 29 00:01:30,802 --> 00:01:33,425 three years running by killing passengers 30 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:36,427 unless you kill them with good service. Wink. 31 00:01:36,428 --> 00:01:37,705 - Are you done? - Yes, sir, I am. 32 00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:39,258 Good because you're an inconsequential 33 00:01:39,259 --> 00:01:40,639 character anyway. Everybody out! 34 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,159 You are contaminating my crime scene. 35 00:01:47,405 --> 00:01:49,718 Is this one of those dinner murder mystery things? 36 00:01:49,752 --> 00:01:50,959 Can I be the sexy maid? 37 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,651 How about you just be the suspect? 38 00:01:52,652 --> 00:01:53,995 What time did you board the train? 39 00:01:53,996 --> 00:01:57,588 Well, I got on two trains. Which one did you mean? 40 00:01:57,622 --> 00:01:59,071 Are those whipping scars? 41 00:01:59,072 --> 00:02:02,696 Santa whipped you to deliver presents faster, didn't he? 42 00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:05,698 - That's a motive. - No, no, no, we all enjoyed the whipping. 43 00:02:05,699 --> 00:02:08,192 - Hmm. - Do you want to know about the drugs? 44 00:02:08,193 --> 00:02:10,152 I was just about to ask you that. 45 00:02:10,186 --> 00:02:12,188 Oh, Santa has been doping us for years. 46 00:02:12,223 --> 00:02:13,923 You see, he wants us bigger and stronger 47 00:02:13,949 --> 00:02:15,829 'cause there's more and more people in the world 48 00:02:15,853 --> 00:02:18,194 which means more presents and a heavier sleigh. 49 00:02:18,229 --> 00:02:20,429 You know, I think I'm okay today if you don't want to... 50 00:02:20,818 --> 00:02:23,199 Oh, yeah, baby. 51 00:02:23,234 --> 00:02:24,890 You've never seen what that juice can do. 52 00:02:24,891 --> 00:02:26,581 That's how we lost Prancer. 53 00:02:26,582 --> 00:02:27,789 Aah! 54 00:02:27,790 --> 00:02:28,825 Yep. 55 00:02:28,826 --> 00:02:30,586 That's a reason to kill Santa for sure. 56 00:02:30,621 --> 00:02:33,589 Steroids cost a fortune, lots of money moving around, 57 00:02:33,624 --> 00:02:37,455 and in any crime, you follow the money. 58 00:02:37,489 --> 00:02:40,802 Oh, that's right. Blame the nutcracker Jew. 59 00:02:40,803 --> 00:02:42,148 There's a Jew? Can I meet him? 60 00:02:42,149 --> 00:02:45,048 I wouldn't kill Santa. He saved my life. 61 00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:47,181 Nutcrackers were the Cabbage Patch Kids of our time, 62 00:02:47,182 --> 00:02:49,190 but after Woolly Willy came out, it was all over. 63 00:02:49,191 --> 00:02:50,734 What did Santa bring you, honey? 64 00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,400 - Firewood. - I felt worthless. 65 00:02:52,401 --> 00:02:55,818 I was unemployable, but Santa said my little fist hands 66 00:02:55,853 --> 00:02:59,338 were perfect for crunching numbers, and he gave me a job. 67 00:02:59,339 --> 00:03:01,686 A job that can afford that mink hat, 68 00:03:01,721 --> 00:03:04,275 that Rolex, that diamond pentagram? 69 00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:08,555 It's the Star of David, and yes, I embezzled a skosh, 70 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,289 but I made Santa so much money. 71 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,214 I mean, who would begrudge a little for myself? 72 00:03:12,248 --> 00:03:14,043 And boom goes the motive. 73 00:03:14,078 --> 00:03:17,253 Santa caught you, so he had to die. 74 00:03:17,288 --> 00:03:20,774 Solving crimes, typical Jesus, just like in the Bible. 75 00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:23,682 What are you, mashugana? I wouldn't kill my cash cow. 76 00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:25,053 There's a cow? Can I meet him? 77 00:03:25,054 --> 00:03:26,953 But we know you're capable of murder 78 00:03:26,987 --> 00:03:29,783 because, spoiler alert, the Jews killed me! 79 00:03:36,790 --> 00:03:39,896 Jews didn't kill Jesus, Jesus. That's racism. 80 00:03:39,897 --> 00:03:43,624 You're right. I'm sorry... 81 00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:52,611 What are we doing? 82 00:03:52,612 --> 00:03:54,786 Wasting time. This crime is unsolvable, 83 00:03:54,821 --> 00:03:57,237 like Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Burgundy. 84 00:03:57,271 --> 00:04:00,274 Huh, got something to say, Santa's arch nemesis? 85 00:04:00,309 --> 00:04:02,517 I never hated Santa. I just hate children. 86 00:04:02,518 --> 00:04:04,151 - Ain't that right. - Well, of course you do. 87 00:04:04,152 --> 00:04:05,575 Yep, that's why I got my tubes tied. 88 00:04:05,576 --> 00:04:07,350 Santa and I used to be a comedy team. 89 00:04:07,385 --> 00:04:10,629 We went by Fatty and the Kramp. We were huge in the Catskills. 90 00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:12,735 Hey, Krampus, what is mistletoe? 91 00:04:12,770 --> 00:04:15,531 It's not a missile. It's not a toe. 92 00:04:15,566 --> 00:04:17,266 Hey, maybe you beat children with it. 93 00:04:18,983 --> 00:04:21,295 You know what? I'm just done with this. 94 00:04:21,330 --> 00:04:22,537 Ah, we stayed friends. 95 00:04:22,538 --> 00:04:25,748 ♪ It always hurts to sleigh goodbye ♪ 96 00:04:25,783 --> 00:04:29,510 Oh, flood! 97 00:04:30,650 --> 00:04:32,029 Aah! 98 00:04:32,030 --> 00:04:33,929 ♪ Avalanche won't stop Detective Jesus ♪ 99 00:04:33,963 --> 00:04:35,965 ♪ Avalanche can't stop Inspector Jesus ♪ 100 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,898 Oh, trapped, huh? 101 00:04:37,933 --> 00:04:40,176 Oh, I'm going to enjoy watching you meat puppets 102 00:04:40,211 --> 00:04:42,868 - devour Santa's corpse. - To get rid of the evidence! 103 00:04:42,869 --> 00:04:45,837 Santa deserves it for what he did to my people. 104 00:04:45,872 --> 00:04:48,357 The North Pole did not always belong to Santa. 105 00:04:48,391 --> 00:04:51,394 My people once roamed the land by the thousands 106 00:04:51,429 --> 00:04:53,638 before the Iron Sleigh arrived. 107 00:04:53,673 --> 00:04:56,641 The white-bearded man promised to share the land, 108 00:04:56,676 --> 00:04:58,228 but we were displaced. 109 00:04:58,229 --> 00:05:01,577 Our noseless faces were defiled with carrots, 110 00:05:01,612 --> 00:05:05,408 our pristine bald heads covered with top hats. 111 00:05:05,443 --> 00:05:08,446 It was a nightmare! 112 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,692 - Wow, your flashback sucked. - Oh, does genocide bum you out? 113 00:05:12,726 --> 00:05:15,177 So you killed Santa to avenge your people. 114 00:05:15,211 --> 00:05:16,695 Doesn't matter anymore. 115 00:05:16,696 --> 00:05:20,251 In 10 years, the North Pole will be lost to us both. 116 00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:23,357 Oh, here we go with the global warming bullshit. 117 00:05:23,392 --> 00:05:25,946 Inconsequential character my ass. 118 00:05:25,981 --> 00:05:30,364 - I am the goddamn hero of this story. - Eh, you're a "C" plot at best. 119 00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:32,297 Wait a minute. Where there's crumbs, 120 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,896 there's crimes every time. Inspector Jesus! 121 00:05:35,922 --> 00:05:37,717 Not so fast, Ginger Spice. 122 00:05:37,751 --> 00:05:40,478 Earlier, I saw crumbs outside Santa's door. 123 00:05:40,512 --> 00:05:43,445 - That puts you at the scene. - I was with him last night. 124 00:05:43,446 --> 00:05:45,552 Last I checked, crumbing's not a crime, baby Jesus. 125 00:05:45,586 --> 00:05:47,658 - But adultery is. - Um, it is not. 126 00:05:47,692 --> 00:05:48,727 - It's not? - It is not. 127 00:05:48,728 --> 00:05:51,350 Well, it's not cool. You wanted him all for yourself, 128 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,594 but he wouldn't leave his wife, so you killed him. 129 00:05:53,629 --> 00:05:55,700 I was fulfilling my dream of singing my heart 130 00:05:55,735 --> 00:05:58,634 out for strangers when Big Red walked into my life. 131 00:05:58,669 --> 00:06:02,189 ♪ Remember to grease my pan ♪ 132 00:06:02,224 --> 00:06:05,399 ♪ Give me all of your loving ♪ 133 00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:08,851 ♪ Because you're my number-one man ♪ 134 00:06:11,225 --> 00:06:13,538 You've got a secret ingredient, kid, 135 00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:16,368 but it takes more than talent to bake a star. 136 00:06:16,403 --> 00:06:18,370 B-d-d-d-d-d! 137 00:06:18,405 --> 00:06:21,339 Finally, the world would hear my music. 138 00:06:21,373 --> 00:06:23,444 ♪ N-P-F-L ♪ 139 00:06:23,479 --> 00:06:24,686 ♪ North Pole For Life ♪ 140 00:06:24,687 --> 00:06:26,136 ♪ DJ on the mike, Clause ♪ 141 00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:29,174 ♪ On the ones and twos North Pole Productions, bitch ♪ 142 00:06:29,209 --> 00:06:30,450 ♪ Don't forget about Dre ♪ 143 00:06:30,451 --> 00:06:32,523 But creative differences ruined everything. 144 00:06:32,557 --> 00:06:33,695 Extra, extra! 145 00:06:33,696 --> 00:06:36,181 Santa's album sells zero copies, also 9/11! 146 00:06:36,216 --> 00:06:38,908 - So you killed him? - I loved him. 147 00:06:38,943 --> 00:06:42,186 - Loved? - Okay, he was repulsive. 148 00:06:42,187 --> 00:06:44,396 His balls were like chestnuts roasted over an open fire, 149 00:06:44,431 --> 00:06:47,538 and his dick wasn't even ♪ Five inches long ♪ 150 00:06:47,572 --> 00:06:50,020 - Gross. - How do I know you didn't kill him? 151 00:06:50,021 --> 00:06:52,128 You with your big, strong arms. Do you work out? 152 00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:54,509 - I do CrossFit. - Nailed it! 153 00:06:54,510 --> 00:06:56,650 Sorry, doll, you're not the first to be compelled 154 00:06:56,685 --> 00:06:58,133 by the power of Christ. 155 00:06:58,134 --> 00:07:01,205 You know, it could've been Jesus. Santa was his father. 156 00:07:01,206 --> 00:07:02,793 What? He was not my father. 157 00:07:02,794 --> 00:07:04,624 I thought Jesus was Santa's son, too. 158 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:07,315 I'm not Santa's kid. I'm God's kid. 159 00:07:07,316 --> 00:07:09,476 Okay, I'm going to let you fuckin' idiots work this out 160 00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,872 and go look for some more clues... by myself. 161 00:07:11,907 --> 00:07:13,907 Solving crimes! 162 00:07:16,463 --> 00:07:17,463 Ow! 163 00:07:17,464 --> 00:07:19,154 What... what the fuck? 164 00:07:19,155 --> 00:07:22,745 My feet! Who the fuck is doing this? 165 00:07:23,919 --> 00:07:26,438 Real mature, guys. 166 00:07:26,473 --> 00:07:28,958 CrossFit! 167 00:07:28,993 --> 00:07:31,236 ♪ Inspector Jesus chasing the killer ♪ 168 00:07:31,271 --> 00:07:32,789 ♪ Don't need magic to catch him ♪ 169 00:07:32,790 --> 00:07:33,859 Jesus! 170 00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,965 Surprised I'm not dead, Peppermint? 171 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,968 Well, it's not the first time I've been "double crossed." 172 00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:40,426 - That's offensive. - Nailed it twice. 173 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,729 I knew if I went off by myself, 174 00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:45,216 the real killer would make a move, and so she has. 175 00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:47,356 I didn't do it. 176 00:07:48,633 --> 00:07:50,116 Oh, God. 177 00:07:50,117 --> 00:07:53,638 Peppermint is the killer, and Jesus for the win! 178 00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:55,294 She hated Santa! 179 00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:57,849 She told me it was hell in that toy factory... 180 00:07:57,884 --> 00:08:00,507 no safety regulations, no bathroom breaks, 181 00:08:00,541 --> 00:08:01,887 no casual Fridays. 182 00:08:01,888 --> 00:08:04,649 It got so bad Santa had to install suicide nets. 183 00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:06,724 Thought you'd take a break, huh? Well, back to work. 184 00:08:06,755 --> 00:08:10,275 She tried to unionize, but Santa hired a strike-busting Bumble, 185 00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:13,346 and Bumbles bounce your head against the curve if you unionize. 186 00:08:13,347 --> 00:08:15,486 I'm not going down for this. The truth is... 187 00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,427 - Who did that? - Don't look at me, baby. 188 00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:30,640 Porter, please tell the authorities to be waiting at the next station. 189 00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:33,022 I, Jesus Christ, without using any magic, 190 00:08:33,057 --> 00:08:35,783 - have solved the crime. - You know who the killer is? 191 00:08:35,784 --> 00:08:37,484 What did I just say? 192 00:08:37,509 --> 00:08:39,580 You said, "Porter, please tell the authorities... " 193 00:08:39,615 --> 00:08:41,064 Shut up, Comet! 194 00:08:41,065 --> 00:08:45,034 Let me show you what happened in our most exciting flashback yet. 195 00:08:45,069 --> 00:08:46,789 Santa's door wasn't forced 196 00:08:46,813 --> 00:08:49,142 because he opened it himself for friends. 197 00:08:49,176 --> 00:08:52,697 - Hello. - Stab! For the pole. 198 00:08:52,732 --> 00:08:54,422 - For the pole. - For the pole. 199 00:08:54,423 --> 00:08:56,390 - Fuckin' carrot. - For the pole. 200 00:08:56,425 --> 00:08:58,323 For the... for the... 201 00:08:58,358 --> 00:09:01,162 - for the pole. - There we go. 202 00:09:02,396 --> 00:09:03,362 For the pole. 203 00:09:06,677 --> 00:09:09,437 - You can't prove any of it. - I can prove any of it. 204 00:09:09,438 --> 00:09:11,543 Krampus, your ukulele was out of tune, 205 00:09:11,578 --> 00:09:14,305 exactly the way it would be if you stabbed someone with it. 206 00:09:14,339 --> 00:09:16,583 Snowball, you're melting due to global warming, 207 00:09:16,617 --> 00:09:19,551 and there was a small puddle of water near the body. 208 00:09:19,586 --> 00:09:21,553 - Nutsy, you're a Jew. - Hey! 209 00:09:21,588 --> 00:09:24,418 Ginger, I believe this belongs to you. 210 00:09:24,453 --> 00:09:27,041 - Oh, fuck. - Ooh, what about me? 211 00:09:27,042 --> 00:09:29,182 You've got tiny bits of entrails on your antlers. 212 00:09:29,216 --> 00:09:32,806 - Yay, I'm implicated! - And Peppermint, she's dead. 213 00:09:32,841 --> 00:09:35,740 So now we know all the reasons they wanted to kill Santa. 214 00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,051 - Yes. - No! 215 00:09:37,052 --> 00:09:38,752 - No? - The truth is we were all 216 00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,676 in a fantasy football league together. 217 00:09:40,711 --> 00:09:42,747 Santa was checking his naughty and nice list 218 00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,680 to guess which players could be suspended, 219 00:09:44,715 --> 00:09:46,440 thereby predicting the spread. 220 00:09:46,475 --> 00:09:48,442 He cheated, and he deserved to die! 221 00:09:48,477 --> 00:09:51,998 So he died for the greatest sin of all, 222 00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:54,586 giving a shit about fake football. 223 00:09:54,621 --> 00:09:58,322 But without you, Jesus, we go free. 224 00:10:08,117 --> 00:10:09,981 Ow! 225 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:14,779 - Oh, fuck! - Jesus magic, I'm back, baby! 226 00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:19,957 I-I hope that you enjoyed your time on the North Pole Express. 227 00:10:19,991 --> 00:10:22,441 It was all right. Three and a half fishes, I'd say. 228 00:10:23,408 --> 00:10:26,308 Wow, suicide. 229 00:10:26,342 --> 00:10:30,933 - Ow, ow, these pinch! - Another murder mystery solved by 230 00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:32,970 ♪ Inspector Jesus, solving crimes ♪ 231 00:10:33,004 --> 00:10:35,523 - ♪ Boo-yah ♪ - You did it, my friend. 232 00:10:35,524 --> 00:10:37,214 Cheese and crackers, you're alive? 233 00:10:37,215 --> 00:10:39,562 I was in the locomotive the whole time, 234 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,495 pulling a train, if you know what I mean. 235 00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:43,220 You know there are two trains? 236 00:10:43,221 --> 00:10:47,017 - Then whose body was in your cabin? - Tim Allen. 237 00:10:47,018 --> 00:10:49,518 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! 238 00:10:49,752 --> 00:10:52,859 Hello, Tim? Tim Allen? 239 00:10:52,893 --> 00:10:54,792 Ah, yeah, that bit is going strong. 240 00:10:54,826 --> 00:10:57,277 Who would have thought? 241 00:10:57,311 --> 00:10:59,072 Moving on, do you want to help me with something, Tim? 242 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,080 Don't worry, Tim. This will be the safest ride 243 00:11:02,109 --> 00:11:03,809 you've ever taken, and just in case, 244 00:11:03,835 --> 00:11:06,940 I took out a billion-dollar life-insurance policy. 245 00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:12,490 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 19323

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