Original subtitles

[Theme music]

[Thunder crashes] [Cackling]

[Whirring]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles]

[Thunder crashes] [Cackling]

[music]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

- Leia, no! - She's dead.

[music]

[Rock music]

♪ Oh, no, she ain't dead yet ♪

♪ It's super-space Leia ♪

♪ Super-space Leia taking on the Empire ♪

[Clang!] ♪ I mean First Order ♪

- What? How? - The Force... I guess.

♪ Oh, super-space Leia, we brought her back to life ♪

- ♪ Before we knew Carrie Fisher died ♪ - Wink, wink.

♪ Rest in peace ♪ [Twinkle!]

Now, Harry Potter,

I shall finish what I started all those years ago.

- I shall... kill you. - [Bleep] you.

Man: This is terrible, one of the worst catastrophes in the world!

Oh, the humanity ... the suffering right now before me!

God, help us all!

This is the worst blow job I've ever received, and ...

What's that? Look behind me?

Holy shit, a blimp!

Look at me, Perseus. What's the matter?

Don't you like firm, scaly breasts?

- Look at me, Perseus. - They will not sway me, Medusa.

Aaaah! [Shing!]

[Splat!]

- Hello, sailor. Mmm. - Huh?

- Who are you? - Call me Mandusa!

I have a feeling you will not look away from this.

[Hisses]

Oh, my gods, that is ama... Oh, shit.

Eh, I'll never find love. [Groans]

Man: Meet R'yan, Barbie's new toxic boyfriend.

Both: Wow!

A passive-aggressive deejay with nine years of debt

from an unfinished hotel-management degree.

And an ADHD-medication addiction he refuses to own up to.

I can't wait to fix him!

Ah, look, he's got a copy of "Infinite Jest."

He's read four pages and says it's his favorite book.

Man: R'yan also comes with his own Feezys,

turntables, and cracked iPhone 4.

Aw, he ghosted me.

Oh, nope, he's back and he's asking for money.

[Laughs] This is fun!

Man: Just pat him on the back to stroke his ego

and activate his backhanded compliments.

Ryan: You're the chubbiest girl I would date.

I love you ... when you put in an effort.

My dad's gonna hate him.

Man, I gotta get back to mining my crypto.

Man: Eggshells to walk on sold separately.

Reporter: [Laughs] A local hillside community got a real scare today

when a bear wandered into their backyard.

Animal-control agents quickly sprang into action.

[Choking] An agency official tells us the bear was unharmed

and was safely relocated back to Jellystone Park.

Hmm.

Mommy, my Hatchimal is hatching!

You're gonna be a Hatchimommy!

♪ Birthday, la, la! ♪

♪ Happy, la, la! ♪

- It's so beautiful! - Ohh! [Squelching]

Mommy, what's happening?

Your Hatchimal was stillborn, Amy.

Maybe if you pray harder next time ...

- Bleh! - No, it's alive.

Hatchimal, bleh!

- I don't want it. - You brought it into the world.

Now you will care for it. [Cries]

Man: Hatchimals ... you'll never know what you'll hatch ...

maybe a lifetime of regret.

The person we're making over lives in Australia

in a single mom's basement.

Bob is a closeted recluse with a penchant

for steampunk accoutrements who isn't sure how to present

on the rural Australian dating scene.

Accoutre-yas!

I'm horny already!

Bob, we are here to take you to the next level.

Babadook!

Just because you're living in the basement

doesn't mean you need to live in the closet.

We have got to get you off the earthworm diet.

And no one wants a boy without a bed frame.

You can bring me the boy?

Babe, you're literally gonna be swimming in boys.

I'm just gonna give you a bit of a trim here,

and you're gonna feel like a brand-new m-m...

whatever you are.

[Tink!]

- Baba... - Dook, honey! Yes!

I get that you're making a, uh,

statement with the hat and the cape,

but I'm wondering if we can't find something

a little more form-fitting.

[music]

Bring me the boy.

Bob, growing up black and gay in the South,

I can relate with your reluctance to come out,

but honey, if you were a movie,

Netflix would sort you into the LGBT section.

- Babadook. - Mr. Bob A. Dook, this is your time.

- What do you want? - B-B-Bring me the boy.

[Both crying]

Man: Bob has a whole new outlook on life. [music]

With a studio apartment,

a part-time job at Michaels Crafts,

and learning how to French tuck a shirt,

the world is about to be Babashook by his transformation.

Bring me the boy.

Aw, look at that ... making friends.

[Keyboard clacking] Berkel, the world needs Ethan Hunt.

Are the mission specs ready for delivery?

Uh, yeah. Uh, I can just e-mail them as PDF.

PDF? Damn it, man!

This is the Impossible Missions Force.

- We do things with pizzazz! - Pizzazz?

Berkel, I want so much pizzazz,

it blows his Goddamn dick off.

Man's voice: Ethan Hunt, here is your mission,

should you choose to accept it.

This blows. They didn't even try.

Don't be...

- Whoa! - Woman's voice: Hello.

This is 21-time Oscar-nominee Meryl Streep.

Oh, my God, the Streepster!

If the splinter cell gets their hands on that plutonium,

then the world goes, "Boom!"

[Laughs] I love this mission.

This message will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2...

[gunshot] Mission box, nooooo!

["Taps" plays]

Man: Bring that beat back. Don't be...

[Air horn blares, club music]

[Laughs] Yeah.

- I really like you, Chloe. - Kiss me, Trent.

- Here I go. - Hold on ... Cheeto fingers?

- Huh? - I am not getting another UTI

from Cheeto dust, thank you.

Man: Has this ever happened to you?

At a party, you're likely to find Cheetos,

jalapeño Doritos, sea-salt Pringles,

Flamin' Hots, and worse.

When you snack, you've made your fingers

unfit for vaginal exploration

before a woman has even agreed to talk to you.

Let a man with Fritos-chili- cheese-corn-chip dust

on his fingers rummage around in my vagina? I don't think so.

Man: If you want to snack and diddle,

ask your party host to put out a bowl of Cheetos for Her.

Cheetos for Her is seasoned with flavors her vagina will crave ...

jasmine, sandalwood, and raw garlic shavings

for their anti-fungal properties.

Ooh, is that Monistat 3?

[music]

Alright!

Available in snack and party sizes.

[Cat yowls] Oh, no!

I launched my cat into a tree with a t-shirt cannon,

an unpreventable tragedy!

Is there anyone who can help?

- Man: Kind of. - The Super Friends?

They're booked, but there's another league.

In the hall of treasured Hollywood characters,

there is a league that is almost always available,

a ragtag group of men we once thought heroic,

now problematic hires ... The League of Predatory Men!

There's V!

I vexed a virtuous vixen to veer her views,

and then she fell in love with me because...

Stockholm syndrome.

Man: The king of non-consent himself ... Prince Phillip!

[Laughs]

Kiss, kiss. Time to wake up. [Tink!]

- Man: Edward Cullen from "Twilight!" - Sparkle, sparkle.

I'm 100 and you're 17,

and I kind of want to murder you or maybe marry you.

Man: Pretty hot, right?

And Farmer Ted from "Sixteen Candles,"

who probably raped a girl at the end of that movie.

According to geek law, I'm a hero!

Oh, my God, it's the ... Wait a second.

Didn't you rape that girl at the end of "Sixteen Candles?"

Like I said, I'm a hero.

[Siren wails, blows landing] Hey, what the f... Aah! Oh!

Okay. [Cat meows]

My cat's still up the tree!

If I get the cat back, you have to love me forever.

If I am victorious, you must vocally volunteer

as my Valentine... vulva.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Uh.

Do you have any sleeping friends?

Hey, I had a ladder in the garage.

Turns out I don't need any of you [bleep]ers.

[gunshot] Aah!

This was your fault. You made me do that.

Victory!

OMG, Offred, did you have your first ceremony

- with the commander last night? - Yes. [Women giggling]

We heard you had the ceremony with your new handmaid.

How was it?

Come on, you don't want to hear all the horny details. [music]

♪ Gilead lovin', and I had a blast ♪

♪ Gilead lovin', prayed it would end fast ♪

♪ Got a handmaid I'll get to bang ♪

♪ Got a commander, it's screw or hang ♪

♪ Gilead days under his eye, but oh, those ♪

♪ Gilead Those Gilead nights ♪

♪ Uh, waka, uh, waka, hey! ♪

♪ It's what God wants, for us to hit it and split ♪

♪ What God wants, for us to all lose our clits ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh - Aw, sad ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh - Aw, sad ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh - Oh, so sad ♪

♪ I'm just tryin' to find my young daughter ♪

♪ If she don't get knocked up, I'll send her to slaughter ♪

♪ I can't take much more of this crazy ♪

♪ At least they didn't snatch up your baby ♪ Bye-bye!

♪ Gilead flings come with some strings ♪

♪ But that's sex when you're under his ♪

♪ When you're under his eye ♪

♪ Uh, waka, uh, waka, hey! ♪

♪ It's what God wants, trust in our expertise ♪

♪ What God wants or die in work colonies ♪

- ♪ Rape me - Good God ♪

- ♪ Rape me - Good God ♪

- ♪ Rape me - Good God ♪

- ♪ Oh, no - Oh, yeah ♪

♪ After I banged her, I went to bed ♪

♪ Cried into a pillow and wished I was dead ♪

♪ I'd rather die than keep up this fight ♪

♪ Can't wait to do it once more tonight ♪

♪ Gilead dreams, it's not all it seems, but oh, those Gilead ♪

- ♪ Those Gilead nights - Oooh ♪

[Tires screech]

Did I miss the song?

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk! - Bawk.

Gosh, that blast took me right out of the ship. C-razy.

Hey, I didn't know Mon Calamari could breathe in space ...

must be our gills. I think I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna be ... ooh, Leia, hey. Oh! Wah!

- ♪ It's super-space Leia ♪ - Ah, they'll find me.

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~