All language subtitles for My.Brother.My.Brother.And.Me.S01E02_English

-I can't wear this shirt?

-You can't wear it.

-It says -- soda -- a brand.

-It has the name of a brand
of a really good soda.

-Can't say [bleep]?

-Change your shirt.
-Change your shirt.

-Can't they just blur it out?

They're blurring it out now
and you're costing us

like $10,000 a second.

Are they blurring this out?

-Griffin, no.

-What about now?

-Change your shirt.

-Get at me, get at me, blur man.

-Change your shirt.
You look like an asshole.

We got to make this TV show.

-I have, like, two other things.

-Okay. Griffin?

Now, see, you've gotten yourself

into another little bit
of a pickle here.

-Do you have another one?
Okay.

-Guys.
-Yeah, Grif?

-You're not going
to like this shirt either.

-Does anybody have a shirt
I can have

that doesn't have the logo
of American's favorite soda

or a member of
the mean yellow family?

[ Classical music plays ]

-The McElroy brothers
are not experts,

and their advice
should never be followed.

They're just three brothers
who created a podcast,

and now they've returned
to their hometown

to tape a TV show.

Also, this show isn't for kids,

which I mention
only so you babies

out there know
how cool you are for watching.

What's up, you cool baby?

[ Mid-tempo theme music plays ]

* It's familiar

* But not too familiar

* But not too not familiar

* It's a new craze

[ Indistinct singing ]

-Hello, and welcome to

"My Brother, My Brother & Me,"

an advice show
for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother,
Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother,
Travis McElroy.

-I'm your sweet baby brother,
Griffin McElroy.

-Here on "My Brother,
My Brother & Me,"

we listen politely
as you explain your invention,

then you are excused
from the room.

No further action is taken.

-No money changes hands because
we do not have any monies.

-I'm very uncomfortable
with the energy

that we've created
in the studio today.

-Griffin, what have you
prepared for us?

-The first invention that
I've come up

with is pornography for birds.

-Disgusting.
Next.

-I'd like to spend
a little more time

exploring pornography
for birds with you.

-That makes one third
of the table

that wants to continue to talk
about pornography for birds.

-Let's move on.
I imagine birdseed will be

a component
in more or less every scene.

-Our first question
is right here in my hand.

-I want to talk
about bird lube now.

-I'm in the wrong
head space now.

"I've been stuck in a boring
office job for a few years,

and I need to get out.

My job doesn't have
a ton of resume cache.

Should I make up some more
impressive stuff for the resume

as long as I have the skills
to back up the jive?"

That's Josh from Little Rock.

-Resumes are
essentially bullshit.

-Mm-hmm.

-You can put whatever on there,

and they will never,
ever, ever check it.

-I worked at Blockbuster twice.

I could say--
What happened?

-The first time
I left Blockbuster on my terms.

-The second time...

-The second time
I stole a copy of "Fight Club"

and got caught, which seemed
like a very

Tyler Durden thing to do,
in my defense.

But that's the second time
I was let go from Blockbuster.

-I worked at a dog kennel
for two weeks

in which one of my duties

was supposed to be squeezing
dog butt holes, and I--

-But that was just
for the dogs.

-That was just for the dogs.

It was a very shusshy spa,
and I--

-Full of dog finger blasting.

What are you talking about?

-And I was both not good at it
and refused to do it

and was let go
because of my poor work ethic.

-I think my favorite job exit
is when your father in law

fucking fired me.

-Yes, did you deserve it
or not, would you say?

-That's debatable.
-Okay, hit me, I'm ready.

-Tommy Smirl at Tri-Data,
which I scanned documents

and microfiche, and I thought
I was doing a kick-ass job,

but apparently not that much
of a kick-ass job.

-Did you at any point leave
to go to Bonnaroo?

-I left at one point --
Hold on.

I left at a point
to go to Bonnaroo.

But the Flaming Lips
were headlining, so--

-So--
-So, had to get to that.

-Do you think that you could
get this job back

if you wanted it?
-That's the ultimate challenge,

to interview for a job
you've been fired from

and get it back is like
you've conquered interviews.

-King of jobs.
-I think the better question

is could Tri-Data get me back?

-I think another better
question is,

could you get your job back?

-I think they would be lucky
to have me back.

-Okay, hold on.

-This is good TV.

-Tell him what
a good worker boy I am now.

-Shut up, shut up.

[ Line ringing ]

-Hello?
-Hey, Tommy.

-Hey, Justin.
-How's it going?

-All right, how are you doing?
-I'm good.

I'm shooting my TV show.

-Great.
-So, do you remember

an employee you once had
named Griffin McElroy?

-Oh, it was a long time ago,
but yes,

he worked for us
for a brief period of time.

-Griffin has been talking
a big game,

and he would like very much

if he could try to apply
for his job again.

-Is the operative word "try"?
-Yes.

-Hey, Tommy, Griffin here.

You might remember me from work.

I just want to let you know

that I'm going to crush
this job interview

and blow your mind

and your world
will never be the same.

-And in order to give you
kind of a good spread,

I would also like
to audition for the job.

That's not the right verb.

I would like to interview
for the job, please.

-You too?
-Yes.

-I'm going to try
to get the job too,

and I feel like I have a leg up

because it would be feeding
your granddaughter,

but we're just going to give it
a whirl and see how it goes.

-Thank you for your interest
in our company, young men.

-All right, take care.

-He's got no idea
what he's got coming to him.

-This is going to be so good.

-Let's get business ready.
We've got our business looks,

so I was thinking we could do
a thing

where we just, like--

-I didn't bring
a business look.

-A special effect where --
just the one you got.

-Your business look.
-Your business look.

-And then we'll do like--

-We'll do a special effect
where we'll turn around,

and then we'll cut right here.

-Am I supposed to do it too,

because I don't
have another look.

-And then we'll
spin back around.

-You got me,

because we're only going
to get this one take of this.

I only do it once.
-Should I spin around too

because I didn't bring
a business look.

-Are you ready?
-Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

Business.
-Time to get to work.

-Griffin, you didn't change.

-I don't have
any fucking clothes!

I didn't know we were doing
the business episode today.

-Don't worry, we've got
a business look for you.

Do a spin.
-You do your spin.

-You're going to make me
look like an asshole.

-Just do your spin.

-No, it's going to be
a good spin.

Do your spin.

-You're such shitheads.
-Spin.

-I get vertigo.
I can't spin that fast.

How many did I do?

-One more.

-One more, please.
-Okay, yeah, look at me!

I'm like a rotisserie shithead!

-Let's get out there
and get hired.

-Let's get to work.

-Everybody in the room
is laughing at me right now.

-[ Laughs ]

[ Classical music plays ]

You guys would tell me

if I looked like
a very magical pervert, right?

-No, you look great.

-Do one of you guys
want to try my cool hat

and really fun jacket?

-No, you're doing great.
It's a sweet look.

-So, we're trying to fill out
a resume with as many jobs

as we can with as little time
and effort as we possibly can.

I'm wondering if we can
all get jobs here

on an extraordinarily
temporary basis

and then put it
on a resume later.

-What kind of experience
do you have?

-I have lots of experience.

One of the main skills I have is
to find a need and fill a need.

-You can pretty much have
whatever you want for 99 cents.

-No, that's false.

-And I just do these two
outside ones?

-No, all of them.

-Push, push push.
That's pretty good!

That's pretty good
for the first time.

-[ Laughs ]

-It's really good.

-Is it legal to get high
on your own supply, so to speak?

-You should probably not ask
the customers what they want.

-I shouldn't bother them.
-Yeah.

-You have some big shoes
to fill

because my husband
really makes all these bows.

-Did he make all these bows?

-He sure did,
and he's really hot

and dark,
tall, dark and handsome.

He lifts 100-pound bricks
for a living.

-Oh God, no.
I'm going to get fired.

-I need an adult.

-Big neck.

-Is that designed for children,
because yeah--

-Holy cow.

-Oh, God. Oh, no.

-Finished one.

I quit! I quit! I quit!

-Justin?

-He's gone.
He's out, he's gone.

-Would I hire them?

-I would hire them
one at a time

because I cannot take
three at a time. [ Laughs ]

-Those guys were awful.

-I would absolutely hire
the beard guy.

I liked it.

[ Classical music plays ]

-Mr. Mayor, let me ask you
a question.

-We're trying to pad
our resumes.

We're doing some
private sector work.

But hat we would like
to get into

and here we think,
if I may be so bold,

our real talents lie,
is in the public sector.

-Okay.

-We think it would be cool

if we could put on a resume

the former mayor of
Huntington, West Virginia.

-There's a legal problem here.

What if we named you
honorary mayor --

not acting mayor --
honorary mayor?

-Okay.
-You think like 5 minutes?

-No. Um...
-One minute?

-What feels right to you?
-A minute.

-A minute.
-Perfect.

-'Cause all you're wanting to do
is pad your resume, right?

-Exactly.

-So, we have two proclamations

that we've prepared for you.

If you could just read
that one first.

-We signed this one and
badda bing, badda boom.

-You're the mayor again.

-So, this now reads,

blah blah blah blah blah,

hereby grant Griffin
'Legally the Mayor' McElroy,

Travis King of Mayors'
McElroy,

Justin 'Your Mother
Was My 3rd Grade Teacher

and She Was an Inspiration'
McElroy,

powers of mayordom for just
like a minute amount of time."

-Yeah.
-Steve Williams,

beginning now.

-Okay, quick, first things
first.

Mayor Williams, I'm gonna need
you to move your car.

-Yeah, you know that list of
people I gave you?

Go get 'em.

The state bird is now...
abolished.

There's no more state bird.

-You only have responsibility
over the city.

-The city bird is no longer --

-You said state bird.
-Yep.

-All right, and your 60 seconds
is up.

-Hold on, wait, one more thing,
one more thing.

Please! Please, one more thing.

Huntington's sister city
is the moon!

-Revoked.

-Our tenure was short
but powerful.

-All right, as agreed, I know
you were waiting

for this just as much
as we are.

-Sign the back.

-Yeah, that's signed
from all of us.

-Let me see it.

-Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.
It's a pleasure.

-Thanks you, Mayor Williams.

-Go, go, go.

-"Sorry, sucker,
we're still the mayor."

[ Laughs ]

They are their dad's son,
aren't they?

[ Classical music plays ]

-Hey, Dad.
-Hi, Daddy.

-Hi, Daddy.
It's good to see you.

-Good to see you.
-Shut up.

-Now, Papa, we have been trying
to get jobs all day.

-It as really hard for me

'cause I'm dressed up like
Jamiroquai's dad.

-[ Laughs ]
-Jamiroquai?

Doesn't he look professional?

-Very kind of a combination
of Ebenezer Scrooge

and Hugh Hefner.
That's a good look.

-Do you remember when I worked
for Tommy Smirl

and I was fired for basically
no reason at all?

-Yeah.
-I'm waging a workplace

vengeance, so we're trying
to pad out our resumes

so that I can get that job back

and really embarrass
Tommy Smirl.

-So, here's what I was
wondering,

just so I could out it
on my resume,

could I maybe do some

some work for you right now?

I got a microphone here, I got
this fucking instrument.

-You want to do a break?
-Yeah, can I do a break?

-Yeah.
-Can Griffin and I join him

and be like his radio crew?

-I'd so rather you didn't.

'Cause it's kind of my shift.

-I feel like you need
a color commentator, though.

Headphone's on.

-Okay, so you're gonna go
from William Michael Morgan,

"I Met a Girl,"

and you'll have 24 seconds
to go into Tim McGraw,

one of your personal favorites,
"Where the Green Grass Grows."

-Got it.
-All right?

So, keep it clean.
-Keep it clean, got it.

-Got to keep it clean.

-That was Bill Grimm's with
"Please."

-Yeah, William Michael Morgan.
We'll try it again.

-Got it, got it.
-William Michael Morgan.

We'll try it again.
You ready?

-Yeah. [ Laughs ]

-The song is "I Met a Girl."

Please, here we go.
All right. Go.

-That was Bill Morgan with
"Don't -- Girl -- I Got a Girl."

Next up, McGruff.

-Not McGruff.
It's not the crime dog.

-Let me take another pass.

-All right,
William Michael Morgan.

And "I Met a Girl."

All right, here we go.

Take seven.

-That was Billy Corgan
with "I've Got a Girl."

Next up, McGruff [laughs]
with...

"Live Like You're Dyin'".

Right here on "Good Times,
Good Country."

103.3 Country Radio TCR.

[ Classical music plays ]

-What do you look for in someone
who's gonna work

for the Huntington police
department?

-Well, first of all, there's
physical fitness requirement.

You have to run a mile
and a half.

-In how long?

-Well, it's not graded
by a calendar,

but by a watch.

If that helps any.

-To pad the resume,

we've got a bunch of little
crummy jobs.

We're looking for something big
e can hang our hat on.

Could we just be Chief of Police
for like a second?

-Eh, probably not.

-How do feel about
Co Chief of Police?

-Kind of sharing the load.

-I don't think we're going there
either.

-I've got a super idea,
actually.

I will for a day cook meals
for all the officers,

and I could be
the Chef of Police,

and if people look at my resume
real quick

they'll be like, "Oh,
Chief of Police, you see that?"

-Now, I was sort of thinking
we've got our K9 unit.

-Travis used to work squeezing
dogs' anal glands.

-That is true. That was
the first job I ever had.

It was squeezing --
I'm sorry to say

in your office -- butt holes.

-What we need is like
a burner town.

-Yeah, if we goof up,
then it's not a big deal.

-I can put you in charge
of Safety Town.

-I would love to get back
in Safety Town.

Part of me is actually worried
that's too much town.

This is Safety Town.

A very small town designed to
teach Huntington's young people

ho to follow traffic signs
and stuff.

We have been put in charge
of Safety Town

by the Chief of Police.

We have absolute legal
authority.

That's right, the wild boys
have become the cops.

[ Classical music plays ]

Let's put Safety Town up,

'cause I don't want to step
on your guys' toes.

I just want a little chill zone
where I can hang out.

I'll just take this corner here.

Like the gas station
and then --

well, the building we're in
right now isn't technically

part of Safety Town, but I'll
say that part is mine.

So just this little corner
and that laves the rest

of Safety Town for you guys
to have.

-I've got the fire department
here.

-Okay.

-I'll take care of landscaping.

-I guess that leaves me
with the barn.

-Are you okay with that, Justin?

-Yeah, we can make that work.

-Hello. Welcome to
New Dugburg,

formerly this part of
Safety Town.

I'm the king of Dugburg,
Travis McElroy.

This is my wife, Theresa.

I wanted her to be in the show
so I made her a cop.

-Can I go now?
-You sure can, honey.

I love you.
-Welcome to Chilladelphia.

It's my little slice
of Safety Town.

I'd like you to meet my wife,
Rachel,

and my friend Emily.
Hey, guys.

-Hey.

-I've annexed the building

that has all the toilets
and water in it,

as well as the gas station that
has all the vehicles and gas.

So really, we own all of
the resources in Safety Town.

-While my brothers have
preoccupied themselves

policing Safety Town,

I've never lost sight
of our true goal.

Get a job from Tommy Smirl
at Tri-Data.

So welcome to
Chad Pennington.

Named after Tommy's favorite
football player.

I've also brought in
some ringers.

Sydney and Charlie --
they're Tommy's daughter

and granddaughter.

Tommy's wife, Mary.

Tommy's brother in law,
Michael Meadows.

Also, Tommy, I'm really sorry
about this.

This is my friend Jason Elders
from college.

And I promised him
and he promised me

that whichever one of us got on
TV first

would get the other one on.

Jason, can you fucking stop?
Sorry, Charlie.

[ Classical music plays ]

I feel pretty good about
our Constitution as is,

actually right now.

-Ah, these legs of mine.

I can't get out of the car.

-Papers, please.

-Oh, I'm not crossing over.

I'm just doing a lap,
checking out my perimeter.

-Okay, all right,
this is trespassing.

This is trespassing.

-Yeah, sorry to bother you.
-Yeah, how can I help?

-Um, I watched you use
the boys' potty earlier.

-I was taking Charlie in.
She had to doody.

-I saw you take your on bathroom
experience

in the boys' potty room.

-Okay.
-No I have to give you

an infraction.

-Are you serious with this shit
in front of my family?

-Be cool.
-Wait! Hey!

-Okay! Okay!

-Yeah, we just need to --
-Okay, everybody, I'm sorry.

-I've got to go.
There's trouble in Chil--

I forget what I called
my city -- fuck!

-Uh-oh.
Watch out, beetle boys.

-Yeah, don't let him in.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Yo, what the fuck, dawg?

-We're okay. Only Griffin
gets the cars.

-Where did you get the whip?
-Fuck you.

-Hey, fuck you.

I'm part car, part boy,
boy car.

The protector and king
of Chilladelphia.

New Dugburg!

Come out and play!

-Okay, this is intentionally
threatening.

-$200, $300, $400.

-Let's go get him!

-Batteries -- these were not
designed

for 200-pound men.

-Grab a battery!

-No, no, no, no! Hey!

-I'm [speaks indistinctly]
all day long!

-Oops, I spilled some.

-I'm sorry, I try to make a good
life for everybody here.

[ Classical music plays ]

-Set him down.
-Fuck you, nerds.

-Armistice!
-Fuck.

-If there's armistice I want to
be in the armistice.

-It's okay.

-Shit! Start over.

Fuck!

We've just been informed
that we just got in trouble

in Safety Town
while filming this scene.

-This is not a bit.
-This is not a bit.

And now we've got to dismantle
our beautiful cities.

-And we're so sorry.

-And we're very sorry
to Huntington.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

-I do need a key to this,
please.

-Did that really happen?

-I'm worried because
we've done a lot --

the most work we've ever done
our whole lives,

building just a resume
with a big juicy "s."

Is there anything we can do
to make them hear us?

-This is advice for everybody
at home.

When you make a resume,
you want to make an impression.

This is my resume here.

Hello, Mr. Smirl,

I would like to audition
for your job, please.

Here's my resume.
-Thank you.

What the fuck have you done?

Oh, okay. I gotcha.
It's kind of like a sticky one.

You be Tommy Smirl
and I'll be Travis.

-I'm Tommy Smirl,
king of the mountains.

-What's up, I'm Griffin.
Whack!

-This is hard to read, though.
Can I make a suggestion?

-Yeah.

-That's good.
That's very good.

-Well, good news.

I thought that you guys might
really like this idea,

so I made one for each of you.

This one's for you.

-This is my actual resume.

-Justin, I was wondering
if you have any

outside the box ideas
for resume presentation.

-I do. Dear Mr. Smirl,
I've prepared a resume for you.

-Perfect.

-Okay, so, let's just
go through it.

Jobs -- cashier
at Blockbuster.

The first time.
Blockbuster the second time.

-Faded second time.

-Special skills --
[chanting] can run

tow miles per diem!

-That also means you know
multiple languages,

which I like.

-I showed off a little bit.

-This portion good for
15% off...

-...at all Sam Goody stores.

-So you could take this
resume...

-You only need to cut
this portion off, though.

-And at this point I did kind of
get a little sleepy

from the marker,
then I blacked out.

After that, I blacked out.

I figure if I give that
to Mr. Smirl --

-You know, right at the end
you should just write

"Conservationalist."

-[ Laughs ]

-So I've got a resume.

I'd like to present you with the
high tech resume of the future.

Yeah.

-Excellent.
That's great.

And ready to
[laughing] bust a nut --

This is very sexual.

Skills -- let's get into that.

Okay, that's very impressive.
I do love to play basketball.

Young, dumb...

and fool of, you know --

and I see you got a little
winky face there.

That's great.

You're kind of figuring out
on the job. That's great.

"Thanks for your time."
You're welcome, young man.

"I love you."

-[ Laughing ]

-Living a little fast.

[ Classical music plays ]

-I feel like I look like
a magical high tech pervert.

-[ Laughs ]

You look like an undertaker
for clowns.

-You look like you tripped and
fell into a Spencer's Gifts.

-You look like a carpet
fucked a nerd.

-[ Laughs ]

-I like that the carpet

was the one that
[speaks indistinctly]

-The carpet made the first move
on the nerd.

-Mr. Smirl is ready to see you.

-We got this.

-So, welcome to the job
interview.

Starting me, Justin Mac--
Justin McElroy.

-All I can say is, son, you're
lucky you're related to me.

-I'm a breadwinner now
for our family.

And I know it would be
a real shame --

you would think
it's a real shame

if something happened --
Let me start --

That wasn't how I wanted
to phrase it.

-I am not qualified at all.

And I know what you're thinking.

Why would you lead off
with that?

I am a blank canvas, sir,

upon which you might create
your masterpiece.

-Oh, shit, who's ready
for round two?

-Griffin McElroy.

-Hi, Tommy,
it's good to see you.

-$6?

What is that for?

-[ Sighs ] I feel like this
isn't going to work out.

-Well, let me ask you this.
-Yes, sir.

-Would you like a beer?
-I would love a beer.

Is this a test.
Aw, shit.

-You just failed it. That's
the oldest trick in the book.

There is no drinking on the job.

-I think we can both agree,

I did the job
for not long enough,

and I think we can both,
like, agree,

right, like, I as really --

I think we can both agree that I
was unfairly let go last time.

-Pardon me while I call in
your former supervisor

who is still here.

-That's not [stammers]

-Hey, Dwight, can you
come in here?

-Damn it.

-We're gonna have to shred
those.

-Thank you for your time.
-Thank you.

-First week you were here,
you were working part-time.

You asked for a paid vacation
to go to Bonnaroo.

[ Paper crinkling ]

-I'm gonna write a number
on this paper,

and that'll be my salary.

-There are too many digits.

There are too many digits.
Griffin, stop.

-Take your electronic resume
with you.

-Keep it.
It's part of the bribe.

-I mean, usually you wait for
them to call you, right?

-He's just waiting for
a follow-up.

That's the business.
-That's a good point.

-So we are just curious
which one of us got the gig.

-I think we're done here
with this.

There are too many digits.

-Are you sure you don't want
the jets on?

-No, the sound guy said that
the bubble noise was too much.

So he said to just leave them
off for the TV show.

-So now we're just in dude soup.

-Now we're just in stagnant
boy soup.

-Just a little son stew.

-Daddy, we had kind of
a buck wild day today.

It was a tale of missed
redemptions.

-Did you learn anything?

-This could be a fun segment,

where the three of us
try to recall

what the fucking question at the
beginning of the episode

even was.

-Oh, shit. What was it?

-He wanted to pad his resume.

Right?
-Here's the advice.

You could put what the fuck
ever you want

'cause no one checks it.

-All we had to do was point
cameras at people

and tell them we're making
a TV show.

They gave us whatever fucking
job we want.

It's that easy.

-If you have a TV crew.

-If you have a TV crew.

-Or the confidence of a man
ho has a TV crew.

-With that confidence you're
gonna get any job you want.

And I have faith in you.
You got on this TV show.

You can say consultant.

Special TV consultant.

-It's your first bit
on the resume.

-Here's another one.
Co-executive producer.

No. Can't do that one.
Not that one.

-Writer.
He wrote a question.

-Question. No, no, no.

Special associate producer?

Okay, we'll talk.

-We'll work on it.

-I don't have anything else
to say here

except I very badly
have to use the restroom.

[ Laughter ]

Please, God, please, God, Steve.

And then make a Griffin-shaped
path from here to the restroom.

[ Chatter ]

[ Repeating "Steve" ]

Oh, no, Steve, you started
on the wrong side!

Steve!

-Steve, you've chosen well.

-Steve, Steve, Steve.

Steve, my dawg,
how does $20 sound?

-Down more.
-Yeah, a little lower.

-Down more.
-Like this?

-Yeah.
-A little bit more down.

-Left, yeah.
-Toward Travis?

-Yeah, towards Travis.
-Yeah, a little farther.

-Down and towards Travis.

Down and towards Travis.

Okay. In our defense,
that's the best spot.

-It's the best spot for it.

-Why did he take it?
Yeah, give me a nail.