Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

- Hi, you still there? - Yes, sir.

Could you give me that password again, please?

Yes. Okay, the password is "shmooey".

- "Snoopy?" - N... shmooey.

S-H-M-O-O-E-Y.

If that doesn't work, try shmooey1 or Dshmooey.

- Capital D, lowercase shmooey. - What's a shmooey?

Nothing. It's just... it's a made-up, all-purpose word.

You know, like, "Hey, I can't find the shmooey".

Or "What happened to the shmooey for the thing?

You know? Or "Oh, no! I just broke the thing off the shmooey

so now the whole shmooey's no good", like that.

- Ah. Like "thing-a-ma-jig". - Exactly.

A "what-cha-ma-call-it".

- You got it. - A "doo-hickey".

I think we're on the same page.

Well, in our house we just say "shmooey".

Like, so every account my wife and I have...

online, ATM, all the passwords are "shmooey".

Probably shouldn't have told you all that, but...

Can I put you on a brief hold, sir?

Yeah, okay, but listen, when you people

say "brief" it's never really...

[MONKEY LAUGHING, ISLAND-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

[EASYGOING MUSIC]

♪♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into the final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪ - ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪ - ♪ Final frontier ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

[ISLAND-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING, MONKEY LAUGHING]

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey, you. - I'm on hold.

So I'm walking the dog and this really cute young guy

on a bike says, "What's his name?"

Oh, cute guy? So was he hitting on you?

Calm down. He was like 21 and super hot.

I'm much, much more calm now.

I tell him he doesn't have a name,

and he says, "Yes, he does. He looks like a Walter".

What do you think? Walter?

Walter. I don't know. Who names a dog Walter?

Who names a dog Murray?

Hey, you make a good point. I don't know.

- Hi, Walter. - [BARKS LOUDLY]

Huh. Walter it is.

- Ha. - Hey, hey, okay.

You're changing for dinner, right?

Uh, I guess.

Your mother made the reservation for 4:30.

Yeah, I know. Who eats dinner at 4:30?

Retirement community people.

Yeah, why 4:30?

I'm guessing 3:30 and 4:00 gets snapped up pretty quick.

[SIGHS] So listen to this.

I'm looking over our credit card statement.

Do you know we've been paying for like the last 12 years

$8.99 a month for something called "M.C. International"?

- Mr. Buchman? - Speak of the devil... yes, hi.

- Is Maber Buchman there? - "Maber"?

It seems the account was opened by Maber Buchman,

- so he or she... - She.

She's the only one authorized

- to close the account. - Okay, no, but I'm...

- I'm Maber's father. - I'm sorry, sir.

Would you like to speak to Maber's mother?

Stop saying Maber.

I'm afraid only Maber can handle this.

Ok... fine, I'll have Maber get in touch with you then.

Thank you for not quite helping me.

Thank you for calling Monkey Cove.

I remember Monkey Cove.

Mabel used to love that game.

Yeah, but $8.99 a month for 12 years?

We could've bought our own monkey.

Then we'd have a monkey.

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, Monkey, it's your father

calling about something critically important.

Call me back.

You notice I said critically.

She's not calling you back.

- What's "CCTY"? - Huh?

There's a charge here, $49.50 for CCTY.

Here's another one last month. What is that?

Oh, I thought I mentioned that to you.

It's a... it's a cigar thing. Cigar Club... something.

Every month they send you a couple of nice cigars.

Since when?

A couple of months ago I signed up. "To You"!

- What? - CCTY.

Cigar Club To You. That's what it's called.

Oh. You never told me.

I thought I did.

Okay, I didn't. I didn't, but you...

- How well do you know me? - I know.

And if we're keeping secrets

- from each other... Oh, really? - That's not a secret.

Yeah, I just know you don't love

that on occasion I smoke

- an occasional cigar. - I don't.

Right, so I didn't want to bother you.

And yet, here I am bothered,

so how's that working out?

Not so good! Really.

All right, terrific, so now we can have this

hanging in the air during the lovely dinner

with my mother. Terrific.

I'm excited to meet this new guy.

Ugh. Okay, I'm telling you right now.

If she calls him a boyfriend or anything like that,

- I swear... - Be happy she met someone.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I think it's sweet she wants us to meet him.

Yeah, yeah, plus, it's like an hour and half

on the train to get there.

Paul, what is the real issue here?

It's not an Oedipus thing, like I'm afraid

he's replacing my father, anything like that,

if that's what you're thinking, Dr. Freud.

Then what is it?

It's just this guy.

I don't want him touching my mommy.

♪♪

How long have you lived here, Ralph?

Not long. I lived at a community

down in Tampa for a couple years.

But this is much nicer.

And the lady residents are much nicer too.

[CHUCKLES]

Such a flatterer.

[LAUGHING]

Paulie, jump into the conversation.

- The water's fine. - Yeah, no, no, all good.

Or maybe your phone is so fascinating.

No, I wasn't looking at it.

I'm expecting an important call.

- [MOUTHING WORDS] - Okay.

So how was the train ride out?

Not too terrible, I hope.

- No, it was fine. - Good,

'cause when I didn't see you two for so long,

I thought maybe the trains

don't come out this far anymore.

So what else is news?

I started working again.

Oh, good for you, sweetheart.

- What are you doing? - I'm a therapist.

You?

- Meaning? - Oh, nothing, I suppose.

Why not? You've always been a good listener.

Bert used to say... my wonderful late husband,

may he rest in peace...

he always used to say

Jamie was an excellent listener.

I don't recall him ever saying that.

Well, maybe you weren't listening.

Ralph, tell them what you did for a living.

Oh, it was a long time ago.

So modest.

Ralph used to play baseball for the major leagues.

- Really? - This was before your time.

Washington Senators.

1953 to 1956.

Wait, wait, hold on. What?

I played third base, and again, only for...

Wait a second. Ralph Martoni?

You're that Ralph Martoni?

My handsome baseball player.

Holy shit!

- Language. - Sorry.

Holy shit. We...

my cousin Ira and I, we used to trade baseball cards

and I swear I remember your card.

You... they used to call you "Catfish".

Good for you. Me and Catfish Hunter.

- Yeah. - But I was the first one.

- "Bats lefty, throws righty". - Very good.

Oh, my God, Ralph Martoni!

Ralph Martoni.

It's Ralph Martoni! Look at... [MUMBLING]

What about Yo-Yo Davalillo? I always loved that name.

- We gave him that name, Yo-Yo. - Really?

His real name was like a yard and a half long.

- [BOTH LAUGH] - And he was short, right?

Like, the shortest guy to ever play in the majors.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, yeah.

- Gene Verble? First base? - Second.

- Second base. - Satchel, we called him.

- What about... - [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

I like that they're getting along,

but this is ridiculous.

How long have they been at it?

An hour and ten minutes.

I'm 85 years old.

I don't have this kind of time. Stop them.

Bunky Stewart. You ever play with Bunky Stewart?

Honey, do you remember we have that thing in the city?

- Nope. So... - Well, I remember. Get up.

- So nice to meet you. - Oh, okay, gotta go.

Well, this is a pleasure. Y'know, I'll come back.

We'll do this some more, right?

Ma, what a guy... what a great guy.

Nice to see you. Remember, Cookie Rojas?

- Say bye-bye. - Gotta go. Bert Campaneris?

You ever... Zoilo Versalles. That was a good one.

- You're kidding. The Catfish? - Yep.

Your mother is dating Ralph The Catfish Martoni?

I don't know if I would use the word "dating".

- Oh, they're dating. - What... what do you mean?

That nice guy you like so much?

He's touching your mommy.

- That is so cool. - Okay, do you mind?

You know what, I have some very exciting news

of my own that may even top your news.

Oh, really? What, your mother bang Carl Yastrzemski?

See, it's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?

I got the results back from the DNA test that I took.

And? Are you Italian?

Didn't even open it yet. I was waiting for you.

That's very sweet.

So you could eat a little Italian crow.

- Corvo. - Huh?

The bird, the crow. Si.

Corvo. Or la cornacchia.

Ah, grazie. [SMOOCHES]

Okay, corvo. Here we go.

Click on it, baby.

Okay.

Um, but listen, if for whatever reason,

- you don't get the answer you want... - You know what,

I don't even want you to do it now.

You're gonna drip your bitter skepticism

all over everything.

Here you go. You try.

You're a much nicer person.

- Hmm. - Go ahead, click.

Oh, dear.

What? Is she messing with me?

Is this like a little fake-out

before she tells me I'm Italian?

I don't think that's a fake-out.

Okay, so you telling me it's not a fake-out?

Is that the fake-out?

Ira, remember: no test is infallible.

What's important is what you believe in your heart.

Trust me, I know.

Every fiber in my being, I know that I'm Italian.

- You're not Italian. - Take that back.

I'm just reading what it says.

It says that I'm not Italian?

97% Romanian-Polish

and 3% Dutch and Icelandic.

Dutch and Icelandic?

That... that's crazy! I'm not...

I'm not even 1% Italian?

How can this be?

Hm? Sorry, I was thinking about Ralph again.

What, what, what?

You know what? The hell with this test.

This test is spazzatura. It's garbage!

I know who I am and I know what I am.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN ANGRILY]

Boy, the Dutch are so excitable.

[CONTINUES SHOUTING]

♪ Ralph Martoni, Ralph Martoni ♪

♪ I love Ralph Martoni ♪

♪ I can't believe I'm friends with Ralph Martoni ♪

[PHONE BUZZES]

[PHONE BUZZES]

Hey, Monkey, it's your father again.

Call me back. Listen.

Yesterday I said it was critically important,

but to be honest, that was just a trick

to get you to call me back.

But today I'm not ki...

hold on a second. The police are here.

What... you want to take her away... hey!

Take her hands off of her! You can't...

That should do it.

- Babe. - Yes? Oh.

Yeah, I'm not sure how to tell you this.

- I just found out... - What, what, what?

Ralph Martoni died.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... what? How crazy is life?

You meet a guy, and your whole world changes,

and then he's gone the next day.

- No, no, no. No, Sorry. - Oh, my God.

The Ralph Martoni that we met yesterday

is fine as far as I know.

So who died?

Ralph Martoni who played third base for the Senators.

He died in a hot air balloon accident in 1958.

I just looked it up.

He fell out of a balloon?

Well, no, the balloon fell on him.

He was standing with a group of people who all managed

to get away, but I guess Ralph was too slow.

Third basemen, never known for their speed.

See, if he was an outfielder, probably be alive to this day.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

So if Ralph Martoni is dead, who did we meet yesterday?

I have no idea. We've got to tell your mother.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, this is not good.

I know. She's being lied to.

Nah, I mean we got to take the freakin' train

out there again now.

Hey, open for lunch at 11:30.

Oh, no, I'm not, um... I was just...

- You're Ira Buchman. - That's right.

Wow. Hi.

Um, my name's Vincent Maslin.

This might seem like an odd question,

but did you take a DNA test recently?

Oh, I knew it. You're here from the company.

You came to tell me you made a horrible mistake.

No, no, I'm not from the company.

The thing is, I also used the site,

and I signed up to get alerts

for possible DNA matches and...

I think I'm your son.

[LAUGHS] I don't think so.

I don't know much, kid, but I'm 100% sure

that I don't have a kid.

Come to Papa.

Amazing.

So do you remember my mother?

Oh, Vincent.

I am a man of honor,

and this is the God's honest truth,

I don't remember her at all

because I never met her.

- You're how old? - 31 next month.

That would be right. Here's the deal.

The fall of 1987,

I wanted to buy this really nice set of Marantz speakers.

Yeah? Top of the line, great bass.

Only problem... I didn't have the cash.

So I donated my sperm one time just to make up the shortfall.

People did that then.

And so voilà. Here we are.

[LAUGHS] Speaking of cash, you need anything?

Oh, no, no. Pop, I'm good.

- Say that again. - I'm good.

No, no, no, before that.

- Pop. - [LAUGHS]

Give me another one.

Buongiorno.

Ah, Lucia!

You're not gonna believe this.

Listen, I want you to meet someone.

Vincent, this is Lucia.

- Hello. - Ciao bello.

Lucia, this is Vincent, my son.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN ANGRILY]

No. No, no, no, no.

[BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- Through sperm? - Si, mio sperm.

Oh. [SPEAKS ITALIAN]

Oh.

Bravo. [SMOOCHES]

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

Look at this: mia famiglia!

Oh.

We had to tell you, Sylvia.

We felt like we didn't have a choice.

You know, and we know you're upset.

If I'm upset, it's with the two of you.

Who asked you to poke your noses

into my personal business?

Have I ever involved myself in your private affairs?

Uh, yeah.

Do you think I ever told Jamie about you

getting cold feet before the wedding?

I knew about that. That's perfectly normal.

Did I tell her how you wanted to marry Davy Crockett?

[LAUGHS] I was seven,

and it was really more about the hat than anything else.

Your father and I were ready to support.

We were forward-thinking that way,

which we never really got credit for.

Okay.

- Mom... - I also never told Jamie

about you and Debbie Schmulovitz

in the downstairs closet.

Okay, here we go. I was nine.

I went looking for the drapery attachment

- for the vacuum cleaner. - Mm-hmm.

I opened the door, and there he is

with his pants around his ankles,

and she's touching his shmagegee.

This explains why things didn't work out

- with Davy Crockett. - Yeah.

- Look, Mom... - You and Debbie Shmooey.

Shameful.

Look, Mom...

What?

Debbie Shmooey.

Her name is in every one of our passwords.

Okay, first of all, I thought I told you.

Not only did you never tell me,

you never thought you told me, so don't tell me

you thought you told me.

Second of all, shmooey,

if you'd like to know the etymology of the word,

The etymology. Good Lord.

Maybe a long, long time ago,

you know, it perhaps had the slightest thing to do

with Debbie Schmulovitz, but over time

it just became... it was like a funny, made-up word.

Yeah, made-up word that refers to your old girlfriend

from the naked closet.

She was not my girlfriend, and, other than that one time,

that was a perfectly respectable closet.

Well, whatever, I'm changing all the passwords.

Oh, no, no, why?

- Please don't. - Doing it.

No, no. I'll never be able to learn new passwords.

- You know that. - It's just so icky.

Shmooey has been woven into the fabric

of our life together.

All the remote controls are shmooeys.

The hand can-opener's a shmooey.

That thing that we always... the, uh...

- The wrench? - No, no, we plug in all the...

- Under the dryer thing? - No, no.

- The little shmooey that we... - Ha! See?

Ha, what?

You just proved my point. That's my ha, not your ha.

You wanted to name the dog Shmooey.

You call me Shmooey sometimes! Ew!

Yeah, but that's only when I can't think

of your name fast enough.

Lovely, and by the way,

this is exactly the same as your little cigar club secret.

That wasn't a secret.

It was information you were deliberately withholding.

I wasn't withholding. I just didn't mention it bec...

Okay, that one I was withholding.

- Yeah. Thank you. - Yes.

But I thought I told you.

No, you didn't thought you told me.

See, this is why we should never visit my mother.

Nothing good comes of it.

I'll change the rest of these later.

- I've gotta go pack. - For what? Why?

I'm going to Paris for a couple of weeks.

- You're going to Paris? - Oh, I thought I told you.

Sorry to bring you both all the way back out here,

but you gotta help me.

I gotta get back in her good graces.

Oh, I'm such a fool.

Well, here's the thing, Ralph.

If that is in fact your real name.

- It is. - My name is Ralph Martoni.

Just not the Ralph Martoni I said I was.

- Why would you lie about it? - I didn't mean to.

One of the guys at the place thought

I was that Ralph Martoni.

- The ball player. - Yes.

Your mother heard I was this big time athlete.

Suddenly she was intrigued.

And your mother, she's a catch.

- Well... - Hand to God,

every guy in the place is trying

- to make a move on her... - Okay, all right.

I think you made your point.

It's not that I lied, I just...

Well, you certainly withheld the truth.

- Yeah, I guess. - Yeah?

- Yes, I withheld. - Right.

Ralph, you don't wanna withhold.

Withholding is bad.

I've always said, "If you withhold,

- that's like the worst... - I would stop.

Okay.

Your mother deserves so much better.

To lie to a woman of such grace,

of such distinction,

a woman so esteemed as Sylvia,

the former U.S. ambassador to Ghana...

[BOTH SPUTTER]

Ghana, Ma? Really?

I should feel bad? He lied to me.

Yes, but you didn't know he was lying till we told you.

You told him about your supposed ambassadorship weeks ago.

Well, how do you know I didn't already know

he was full of it from the beginning.

- Did you? - Oh, please.

The day I met him.

Ralph Martoni, the baseball player, died in 1958.

He got hit by a balloon.

What, I don't know how to use the internet?

And you never confronted him about it?

Sweetheart, we're older people.

Our stories, perhaps, they're not so exciting or...

So when we meet someone new,

maybe we pad our resumes a little.

Make ourselves more interesting or desirable.

So what? Everybody here does it.

Well, Ralph feels really badly about lying to you,

and he'd like to try to make things right.

So why is he sending you?

Why can't he say so himself?

Ralph!

You're up, and I didn't mean that in a baseball way.

Sylvia, I just want to say one thing.

So say.

I never played baseball,

I never met President Eisenhower,

and I never climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

You never mentioned Kilimanjaro.

Well, I was saving it for the holidays.

Forgive me?

[SIGHS]

Why am I such a sucker for sweet talk?

You're forgiven, Ralphie.

But no more stories.

Scout's honor, and I really was a boy scout.

All right.

Well, in the spirit of honesty and forthcoming-ness...

isn't there something you want to tell Ralph,

Madam Ambassador?

Fine.

Ralph,

when I told you

I was the U.S. ambassador to Ghana

from 1977 to 1981, that wasn't true.

It was only '77 to '79.

- Look who's here. - Hey.

Did one of you try to hack into my Monkey Cove account?

I got an alert when I signed in this morning.

Wait, you still use that?

Every day. It's comforting.

Really? The monkeys are comforting?

Yeah, the nice ones. The way the world is...

- I need it. - [KEYS CLATTER]

I didn't realize you need Monkey Cove.

It lowers my anxiety, and it's cheaper than therapy.

Okay. All right. We'll keep the account open.

Thank you.

Mom, can you help me?

I was looking for something in my room

- and I can't find it. - Yeah, what is it?

It was on my dresser. It's blue.

It's got the shmooey and it's...

Ooh, ooh, honey. You know what?

We don't use the word "shmooey" anymore.

- Why not? - Why not?

- It's hard to explain. - Because it refers to a girl

who touched your father's privates in a closet.

What are you doing?

Going to Monkey Cove.

Happy with yourself?

She had other problems before this.

All right, here's Emily. She turned six in August.

- Aww. - And here we have Anthony.

Right, he's 4 1/2.

- Vincent says he's a handful. - Aw, he's adorable.

You gotta show these to Mabel when she gets here.

All of the sudden, she's got like a niece and a nephew

and cousins... or half cousins. Quarter cousins.

Whatever they are. She's gonna be very happy.

Can you believe this, Paulie?

I mean, in one day, I become a father

and a grandfather.

And, oh, here's the cherry on top of everything.

- Oh, now you got a cherry too? - Yep.

- Okay. - Vincent's mother, Italian.

Which makes me the father of a half-Italian child.

I'm practically Italian.

Yeah. Actually no, but okay, I'm happy for you.

You know what? I have a much better sense now

of what you and James have been going through.

I mean, my son comes into my life.

We connect in a profound way,

and, boom, then he's gone. I mean...

you know, this empty nest thing, it's brutal.

Yes.

I mean, I must say that

I really do think that the hands-off parenting approach

has worked well for me.

- Hands-off? 'Cause you missed 31 years. - Yeah.

I know. Come on, Vince is bright.

He's a successful architect. He's happily married.

Doesn't want anything from me.

I mean, you and James have done a great job with Mabel,

but maybe there is a thing or two you could learn from me.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay, I really need your help.

You have to put more money in my account.

Not a lot. Like 60 bucks. Nah, make it 80.

You know what? Just make it 100,

and could you maybe give that to me in cash

'cause I think I lost my ATM card. And my insurance card,

so you might have to give me another one of those. I am starving.

Will you teach me?