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1
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:07,007
Ick, ick, ick, ick,
ick, ick, ick! (grunts)
2
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:10,378
Okay, something tells me I don't
want to know what's in there.
3
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:11,979
It's my class tarantula.
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,215
(Mandy screams)
5
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:17,418
Oh, my God, I had this
exact nightmare last week.
6
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,687
Y-You brought a tarantula into
the house and then the spider
7
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,589
turned into Donatella Versace,
and she told me
8
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,558
I was a fraud
and then my teeth fell out.
9
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,427
Sorry, I had to bring her home
10
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,696
because the school
is getting fumigated.
11
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,498
My fear of spiders is outweighed
12
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:33,401
by my love of extra credit.
13
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,237
Okay, well, does this
disgusting thing have a name?
14
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:39,873
Tarantula Lansbury.
15
00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:43,377
My teacher thought
it was so clever,
16
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,879
but he's an old guy.
17
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:48,382
I need to figure out
what to feed it.
18
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,085
Do you think Vanessa would mind
if I used her computer?
19
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,121
No. Her password used
to be "Hugh Grant,"
20
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,389
but that was, like, ten years
ago, so I would hope by now
21
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,057
-that she's moved on.
-I'm in.
22
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,394
Hey, girls.
23
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,862
-Hi, Dad.
-Hey.
24
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,131
Still can't figure out
the washing machine
25
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,165
at your apartment?
26
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,769
Whoa, whoa, who's this?
27
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:10,638
Uh, that is Tarantula Lansbury.
28
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,406
(laughs) That's good.
29
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,043
Uh-oh.
30
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,778
I don't think
I was supposed to see this.
31
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,247
That's probably
'cause you're using
32
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,250
somebody's computer
that's not yours.
33
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,418
No, Vanessa wrote
a letter withdrawing
34
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:26,220
from the State Assembly race.
35
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,655
What? She's not a quitter.
36
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,089
I mean, she quit smoking,
37
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,125
but nothing to get angry about.
38
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,560
Yeah, but I don't get it.
39
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,662
Mom is so passionate
about education.
40
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:38,065
I mean, she gave up on me,
but still.
41
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,268
Looks like just a draft,
but I'm surprised
42
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,136
she never told me
anything about it.
43
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:45,306
When you do talk to her, don't
tell her I was on her computer.
44
00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:47,308
It's all right, we're on
your computer all the time.
45
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,978
*
46
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,985
-Hey.
-I'm so mad.
47
00:01:58,018 --> 00:02:01,422
The parking lot at the store
was jammed and then this woman
48
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,358
zipped into a parking spot
that I was clearly waiting for.
49
00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:06,694
Why do you let people
do that to you, honey?
50
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,196
Oh, I got her back.
I gave her
51
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:10,664
the "you know
what you did" face.
52
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,836
Oh, stop, that sends
chills up and down my spine,
53
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:18,105
and I didn't even do anything
wrong that you know of.
54
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,973
(gasps, mouths)
55
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,609
(laughs) Okay, okay.
56
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,345
Since you dragged it
out of me...
57
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,146
I-I saw what you were
doing on your computer.
58
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,448
Oh, oh. (laughs)
59
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,383
How embarrassing, you know what?
60
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,719
I just love videos
61
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:32,986
of pandas sneezing.
62
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,556
(fake sneeze)
63
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,057
Well, you'd be a psychopath
if you didn't love that.
64
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:39,227
No, I'm talking about this.
65
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,795
You're thinking about
dropping out of the race?
66
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,364
(sighs)
67
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,032
Mike, look.
68
00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,867
It just crossed my mind, okay?
69
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,670
I mean, you got to admit,
things aren't going that great.
70
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,072
So? You're not
a quitter, Vanessa.
71
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,674
You're the positive person.
72
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,343
You're the one even when
the Broncos lose,
73
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:58,246
say, "Look, at least
they had a good time."
74
00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:00,481
Well, look, I knew it was
75
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,350
a long shot that I would win.
76
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:05,085
I really, I just wanted to get
people talking about education.
77
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:07,555
But I can't get anyone
to listen!
78
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,390
Well, you're not
the most forceful person.
79
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,425
No, I tried.
At the candidates' forum,
80
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:13,494
I-I couldn't get anyone
to call on me,
81
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,863
and I must have raised my hand
at least a dozen times.
82
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,598
Nobody's gonna listen to what
you have to say if you wait
83
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,933
for them to call on you.
84
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:21,569
(laughs)
85
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,371
Vanessa?
86
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:25,239
Look, I get what you're saying,
87
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:28,208
but all these other candidates
are not afraid to be loud,
88
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,344
obnoxious and pushy
to get people's attention,
89
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:33,013
and I-I'm not that person.
90
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,215
It's too bad you can't get
advice from somebody
91
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,618
who is loud, obnoxious
and pushy.
92
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:40,454
If you were married
to somebody like that...
93
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,189
Hmm. How about you?
94
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,825
-Oh... perfect!
-(laughs)
95
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,532
Hey, guys, we got a new
ultrasound of the baby.
96
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:52,766
-You want to see?
-Ooh.
97
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,868
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!
98
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,771
-She looks just like Kristin.
-Aw...
99
00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:00,240
Yeah, like, if Kristin was tiny
100
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:02,710
and trapped in some weird
balloon and her arm was coming
101
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,545
out of her stomach
and there was all this goop...
102
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,647
We get it, thank you.
103
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,115
I-I got to get
back to the Grill.
104
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,650
Yeah, our coupons expire
tomorrow, so the place
105
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:13,587
is crawling with old... er,
wiser people...
106
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,056
-who love soup.
-Mm-hmm.
107
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,225
I live for Wednesdays.
108
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,329
Cream of potato.
109
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:23,297
Uh, yeah, I got to get
back, too, actually.
110
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:26,266
Marijuana does not sell itself.
111
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,302
Yeah, actually, it kind of does.
112
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,637
-Bye.
-All right,
113
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:30,638
-see you guys.
-see you.
114
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,139
-Love you.
-Love you.
115
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,475
Hey, have, uh, you guys
gotten them a baby gift yet?
116
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,109
Oh, I haven't, no.
117
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,579
Hey, hey, Ed? Ed...
what about if the three of us
118
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,014
go in together,
get something special?
119
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,583
Well, that's a great idea.
120
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,284
I know exactly what to get.
121
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,620
It's very high tech,
very millennial.
122
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:49,022
Great, uh, can we split it
three ways?
123
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,924
Well, it's north of two grand.
124
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,426
Oh.
125
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,127
Uh, is it okay
if we get them something
126
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,597
south of... 40 bucks?
127
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,432
(laughs)
128
00:04:58,466 --> 00:04:59,767
Yeah, what...
129
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,635
what is this thing?
130
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:02,936
Well, it's a Rock-a-Tot.
131
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,606
It's a Swedish-made,
smart bassinet.
132
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,175
So, you operate it
from your phone.
133
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:11,645
It rocks the baby to sleep,
and even knows when it stirs.
134
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:14,848
Well, for 2,000 bucks,
it better also wipe her butt.
135
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,384
(chuckling)
136
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,187
Wait, does it?
137
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:25,526
If it did, I'd have one.
138
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:29,229
No, no, look, I don't expect you
to split it equally with me,
139
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:32,332
so why don't we each pay
an amount based on our salaries?
140
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:35,703
All right, and of course, that
means I'll pay the most, so...
141
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,805
All right, well, I guess that
means I pay the second most.
142
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,573
Well, you don't know that.
143
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:42,510
Maybe, uh,
I pay the second most.
144
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,311
(laughs)
145
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,346
I make a pretty penny.
146
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,681
(scoffs)
147
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,484
I get paid in dollars.
148
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,686
-Okay, but...
-ED: Okay, just stop,
stop, stop...
149
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,022
Let's not get into who makes
more money, gentlemen.
150
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,590
I'll calculate what you owe,
151
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:58,158
and then you pay the rest,
all right?
152
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,761
So, I'll-I'll tell you
separately, right?
153
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,431
-How-how's that sound?
-Yeah, okay.
154
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:04,832
Yeah, sounds good to me.
155
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,166
I don't want
my employees worried
156
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,701
about who makes
more money around here.
157
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:10,070
Life is too short, all right?
158
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:13,006
And you can't
take it with you. Yeah.
159
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,243
Although, I've got an Egyptian
guy working on that.
160
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,716
This is so exciting.
161
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,284
What a great idea
to have Vanessa
162
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,786
livestream from the house.
163
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,855
Well, that's today's politics.
164
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,090
People want to think that
they know who you are.
165
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,226
It's like inviting people
into your own home.
166
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,429
So, let's get rid of everything
167
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,898
in the background that looks
like it's worth stealing.
168
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,204
Okay, I have done my part, and
169
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,574
if elections were decided by
who has the best fashion sense--
170
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,141
and I believe they should be--
171
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,944
-Mom would win by a landslide.
-Oh, honey.
172
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:53,113
If I were 18,
I would vote for you...
173
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,449
and buy a cigar.
174
00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:59,620
Honey, I think you look great,
you do.
175
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,121
Oh, Dad, we should do
your outfit now.
176
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,990
-I'm not on camera.
-Yeah, I know.
177
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,025
It's just been bugging me
for a long time.
178
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,395
You know, honey,
I have to admit,
179
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,798
I was a little dubious when
you first brought this up,
180
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,666
-but I'm-I'm kind of excited.
-Uh-huh.
181
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,568
We're gonna show
the Colorado voters
182
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:16,169
-the real Vanessa Baxter.
-Okay.
183
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,938
And none of the expensive lamps!
184
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,740
Um...
185
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,409
And, you-you really don't think
I should talk about the issues?
186
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,744
No, no, no.
187
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,412
Like Nixon did in 1960?
188
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,247
Lost to Kennedy, 'cause he
was charming and handsome.
189
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,448
Any more questions?
190
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:29,449
Yeah, I have one.
191
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,619
Who is Nixon?
192
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:35,623
I find it hard to believe
you're from here.
193
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:39,593
-(exhales) Okay.
-Listen, grab the lavalier mic,
194
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:40,961
-and put it on her.
-Yeah.
195
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,295
-I'll be right back.
-Good.
196
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,764
-Okay, now, Mom?
-Yeah.
197
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,265
Just remember not to do
anything embarrassing.
198
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,433
You don't want to become a meme.
199
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,968
Oh, memes are so cute.
200
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,169
That housewife,
201
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,572
she was so angry at that cat.
202
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:56,009
Yeah, memes are cute
unless you're in them.
203
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,478
-Yeah.
-Yeah, well, I didn't
think about that, but...
204
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,180
Like-like, that, um,
that actress
205
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,815
who yawned during an interview.
206
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,151
People made memes like she was
screaming at babies.
207
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,319
You mean she wasn't?
208
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:09,456
I... I hated that lady.
209
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,624
I know, right?
210
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:13,460
Everybody did! (laughs)
211
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,996
Or that CEO who blinked.
212
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,365
And the meme made it
look like he was sleeping.
213
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,067
Right!
214
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,335
They photoshopped him
in pajamas in a sleeping cap.
215
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,471
(laughing):
His wife left him!
216
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,306
(both laughing)
217
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,542
Okay.
218
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,477
Looks good, let's get
this show on the road, people.
219
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,213
What?! What?! And-and be
mocked by the entire world?!
220
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,481
No! No, not a chance in hell!
221
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,649
No, no, not doing it!
222
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:38,385
Nope, no!
223
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:41,288
What was I gone-- 30 seconds?
224
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,664
Come on, come on,
you're gonna be fine.
225
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,733
Just breathe and relax.
The important thing is just,
226
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,735
-just be yourself.
-No, I can't be comfortable.
227
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:55,936
Look, the girls are right,
I just,
228
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,170
I don't want to be
a laughingstock.
229
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,371
No, Mom, look, don't worry.
230
00:08:58,405 --> 00:08:59,573
-You're gonna be great.
-Yeah.
231
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,609
Just don't, you know, blink.
232
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,512
The woman has to blink!
233
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,180
JEN:
Oh, no!
234
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,882
Vanessa, do not do that.
235
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,084
You're asking
to get Home Alone-ed.
236
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,421
Home Alone-ed?
237
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,389
Don't listen to these
foolish, foolish girls.
238
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,358
You're not gonna look stupid
because you're not stupid.
239
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,594
-You're a champ,
you are a champ.
-Okay, all right, yeah.
240
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:21,895
-Okay?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
241
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,430
You're right, okay.
I-I got this.
242
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,865
Whoa! Definitely don't do that!
243
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,066
The thumbs-up is,
like, a sex thing now.
244
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,401
What?! Ew!
245
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,104
Get out, go. Go, get out.
246
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,873
All right.
247
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,107
-Just put them out of your mind.
-Okay.
248
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,408
The girls were never here.
249
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,644
-Mm-hmm, okay.
-Good, good?
250
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:37,978
-Yeah, yeah.
-All right, I got to do
251
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,613
a quick sound check here
on your mic,
252
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:41,214
so I want you
to just go over that
253
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,549
intro we came up with,
all right?
254
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,918
Ready... and go.
255
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,393
Hi.
256
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,063
I am Vanessa Baxter,
257
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,966
and I am running
for Colorado State Assembly.
258
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:01,268
Welcome to my home.
259
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,005
Okay.
260
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,940
We got the sound check and...
261
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,942
next we're gonna go live,
262
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:12,646
and you're gonna want to act
like you actually are alive.
263
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,685
Hey, man, you want
a cup of coffee?
264
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:18,986
Oh, yeah, thanks, Mr. Larabee.
265
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,320
How do you take it?
266
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:21,588
Oh, three caramels,
whipped cream,
267
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,791
and a cinnamon stick.
268
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,260
Why don't I just let you get it?
269
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,996
Oh...
270
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,463
Gentlemen, a moment, please.
271
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:35,435
-I did a little figuring
based on what you make...
-Mm-hmm?
272
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,105
...and here's what you each owe
for the baby gift.
273
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,841
-Oh, okay.
-Great. Thanks, Mr. Alzate.
274
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,442
Yeah, this was really
a good idea.
275
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,511
Now that I know
what you both earn,
276
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:47,848
you spend way too much time
standing around doing nothing.
277
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,326
Did you just try and look
at my piece of paper?
278
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,394
No, but you just
tried to look at mine.
279
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,963
(chuckles) I don't care
what's on your paper.
280
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,397
That is your business.
281
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:07,567
Hmm, unless my business
is more than your business.
282
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,470
(chuckles)
Which it probably isn't.
283
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:13,306
Okay. We both want to know
what each other has,
284
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,308
so, count of three we show
each other the paper, deal?
285
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,844
-Deal.
-Okay.
286
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:20,147
One. Two.
287
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,049
Three.
288
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,219
I knew you weren't gonna do it.
289
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:29,189
You didn't, either.
Okay, go again.
290
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,424
Okay. But for realsies.
291
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:37,097
Okay. (clears throat)
One. Two.
292
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,398
Three.
293
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:39,867
Oh...
294
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,938
Seriously?
295
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:47,440
All right, never mind.
I'm out of here.
296
00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,242
Yeah, go get your stupid coffee!
297
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,411
You know, actually, I think
I'll buy one in the Grill.
298
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,246
-I can afford it.
-Hmm.
299
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,750
So can I.
I can afford two if I want!
300
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,589
So, I hope that answers
your question,
301
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,457
Linda from Capitol Hill.
302
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:14,367
We need to solve
Colorado's problems from top...
303
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,936
Ooh!
304
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:24,411
From top to bottom.
305
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,615
If you want to hear more
of her stands on the issues,
306
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,583
you can visit her website,
but today, we're gonna get
307
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,385
a little more personal
right now.
308
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,154
Why don't you tell us
about the time
309
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:37,657
you and your daughters
ran out of gas up on I-70?
310
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,260
Oh, that is quite a story, Mike.
311
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,465
We ran out of gas...
312
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:52,272
...and then we got more.
313
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:55,775
Looks like we just lost
Linda from Capitol Hill.
314
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,746
What we're gonna do now
is take a quick break,
315
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,148
little five-minute break,
316
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,350
give the voters
of Colorado a chance
317
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,752
to catch their breath.
See you in five.
318
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,988
Oh, we can do that?
319
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,090
Um, honey.
320
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,791
We're not on right now.
You can relax.
321
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,660
No, I don't,
I don't want to relax.
322
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,896
I-I need to keep my energy up.
323
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:20,633
You know, an oil painting
has more energy
324
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,269
than you have right now.
325
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,437
I'm sorry, Michael.
Just blame Mandy.
326
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,772
Look, I-I don't want to be
a joke.
327
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,674
I'm going to the bathroom.
I... Great.
328
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:30,710
Oh, boy.
329
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:35,448
It's going great, Mr. Baxter.
330
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,050
What part of this
is going great to you?
331
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:39,552
The part where she actually
moved her face?
332
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:42,122
On the bright side,
I don't think anybody
333
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,624
is going to remember this.
334
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,459
Hmm.
335
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:50,430
You know, I think I have a way
for people to remember this.
336
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,206
Ooh, what's that?
337
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,908
It's just a little
special effect for later.
338
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:03,710
-Special effect?
-Don't touch that!
You're back in five. Okay.
339
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:06,813
Ready? Four, three, two,
340
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,249
one.
All right.
341
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,218
Our hour's almost up,
so let's pick up the pace
342
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,219
-a little bit.
-What does that mean?
343
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,486
Word association.
344
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,622
Family.
345
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:19,192
Uh, good.
346
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,727
Commitment.
347
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,166
Also good.
348
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,168
-All right, third word.
-All right, stop.
349
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,502
Stop. What are you doing
with this mug?
350
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,504
-Oh, spider!
-There.
351
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,572
VANESSA:
Girls!
352
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,174
Get in here and get this thing!
353
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,842
Oh, make Jen do it.
354
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,945
-You're wearing oven mitts.
-(whimpers)
355
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,780
Stop it. Just relax.
Look, he's perfectly harmless.
356
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,016
I think he's peeing on me!
357
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,385
Why the hell would you do that?
358
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,287
What?
You're not afraid of spiders.
359
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,857
No. No, you know, I'll tell you
what I am scared of. Them.
360
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,026
Them, the trolls
who-who don't really care
361
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,794
about what our kids
are going through at school.
362
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,196
You know, all they care about
363
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,231
are goofy pictures
on the Internet.
364
00:14:58,265 --> 00:14:59,566
So, you know what? You go ahead.
365
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:00,867
You go ahead,
and you make a meme
366
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,269
of me holding a spider.
367
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,971
And while you're at it,
uh, here's me blinking.
368
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,539
(yawns):
And-and here's me yawning.
369
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,809
And then there,
whatever this means.
370
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:12,079
I'm Vanessa Baxter,
371
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,913
and I'm wishing you
a good night.
372
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,453
If you'd like to learn more
373
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,055
about this candidate's
positions,
374
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:25,993
just go
to VanessaBaxterForAssembly.com.
375
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,328
Baxters out.
376
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,600
-(knock on door)
-Come in.
377
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:36,169
-Watch it, guys.
Come on. Easy does it.
-Hey.
378
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,737
-Hey.
-Whoa, what's this?
379
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,439
Uh, well, the three of us
got you and Kristin
380
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,940
-a little something
for the baby.
-(Chuck grunts)
381
00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,909
(chuckles):
Guys, thank you so much.
382
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,744
That is totally unnecessary.
I mean, not that we don't...
383
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,113
O-Okay, okay, y-yeah, yeah.
Just, uh, tell me
384
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,447
where to put it
so I don't get a hernia.
385
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:49,816
All right, here we go.
386
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,184
-Easy there.
-Whoa.
-I got it.
387
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:52,785
-Uh, oh, let me go get Kris.
-(groans)
388
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,687
-There you go. (chuckles)
-(exhales)
389
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,623
Oh, I have a check for you,
Mr. Alzate.
390
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,458
-Oh. Yeah, yeah. Me, too.
-Okay.
391
00:15:58,491 --> 00:15:59,592
Yeah.
392
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,961
All right.
393
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:04,497
What? Are you-you afraid
I'm gonna look at your check?
394
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,933
Uh, yeah.
I wasn't born yesterday, Chuck.
395
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,769
That would make me a baby.
396
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,805
Are you two dummies
still on this? Give me those.
397
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:15,142
Are you still worried
about who makes more money?
398
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:16,309
(exhales)
Maybe a little.
399
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:17,944
I'm not.
'Cause I probably make more.
400
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,279
Probably don't.
401
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,648
Okay, fine.
Fine. Fine, fine, fine.
402
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:23,616
All right, here. Here.
Chuck's check.
403
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:25,118
Here's Kyle's.
404
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:28,055
All right, go ahead. Go ahead.
405
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,492
What are you waiting for?
Don't you want to know?
406
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,394
-I do.
-I do more.
407
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,830
Wait, they're the same amount.
408
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,366
What, what, so,
we make the same money?
409
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,068
I don't know.
Do you really think I know how
410
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,870
to look up how much you make
on the company database?
411
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:47,540
I can't even close out a game
of solitaire I started in 2008.
412
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:51,178
-(sighs)
-Wow.
413
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,713
Yeah, well,
now I feel kind of stupid.
414
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,249
Well, you should.
415
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,052
You know,
I'm a really wealthy man.
416
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,588
And there's two things
I've learned in life.
417
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,524
One: if you can...
418
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,126
be very wealthy.
419
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,362
And two:
420
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,999
never compare yourself
to someone based on money.
421
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,436
The most important thing in life
is a person's character.
422
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,440
And you both have
equal amounts of that.
423
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:25,745
-(sighs)
-I'm sorry, Chuck.
424
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,747
Me, too, buddy.
425
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,782
For realsies.
426
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:33,520
-Hey, guys. Wow, this is nice.
-Oh.
427
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,955
-What?
-Yeah, I thought
we could both, um...
428
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:39,159
...open it together?
429
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:43,396
-Uh, what? A Rock-a-Tot?
-What?
430
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,865
You guys,
this-this gift is amazing.
431
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,367
Well,
it's for two people we love
432
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,768
and one person
we're going to love.
433
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,270
-Oh!
-Guys, th...
434
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,205
-I mean, this is
really expensive.
-Yeah.
435
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,407
(scoffs)
Money. Who cares about money?
436
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,776
(chuckles)
Besides, we-we split it.
437
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,312
Mm-hmm.
But not evenly, of course.
438
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,648
I make a lot more money
than these chumps,
439
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,884
so it's mostly from me.
(chuckles)
440
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,053
-Uncle Ed. Oh, we love you.
-That's all right.
441
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,088
(Kristin and Ed laugh)
442
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:16,296
Just open it slowly.
443
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,830
I don't want to open it, Jen.
You open it.
444
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,132
-You open it.
-You open it.
445
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,267
-You open it.
-I'm not gonna open it.
446
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,601
-You open...
-Is Vanessa back yet?
447
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,002
(sighs)
Not yet.
448
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,804
Boy, she seemed pretty mad.
449
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:28,508
All she said was,
"I'm going for a walk."
450
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,344
That's what she does
when she's upset.
451
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,613
The more upset she is,
the further she walks.
452
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:37,517
One time, I had to go
pick her up in Wyoming.
453
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,552
That was my fault.
454
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,190
I'm sorry the livestream
was such a disaster.
455
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,624
I don't think it was a disaster,
456
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:47,260
and not just
'cause it was my idea.
457
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,496
She wanted to get
some attention,
458
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,798
she got said attention.
459
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,467
Yeah, I don't think
Mom's gonna see it that way.
460
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,103
Oh, hell yes!
(laughs)
461
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,938
Hey, honey. Look, look, look.
462
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,607
Did you see my website?
Look at this. Look at this.
463
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,009
It's blowing up.
Thousands of comments.
464
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,212
Donations are pouring in,
and look at this.
465
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:07,647
Linda from Capitol Hill
sent in a hundred bucks.
466
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,216
-Ah.
-Right?
467
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,351
I always liked that woman.
468
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,520
So, you're not worried
about becoming a meme.
469
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:16,289
Oh, no, I-I already am.
No, look, look.
470
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,458
Here's a picture
of me with the spider,
471
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,160
and it says, "This is
what badass looks like."
472
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:23,463
-(chuckles)
-Right? And then over here,
look.
473
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,864
Here, this one says, uh,
474
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:28,235
"What has ten legs and my vote?"
475
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,136
Here's one that says,
476
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,172
"She puts the 'rack'
in arachnid."
477
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,343
Gross.
478
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:38,545
(gasps)
479
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,146
Hey, that's me!
480
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,981
Wait.
481
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:45,352
They made me
into the Crazy Oven Mitt Lady?
482
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,087
You know, honey,
you got to be careful
483
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,723
with what you put
on the Internet. (chuckles)
484
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,692
You just have to work
with someone
485
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,494
who knows what they're doing.
486
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,363
Thank you.
487
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,765
Aw, kiss of the Spider Woman.
488
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,601
(chuckles)
I hope not. You know,
489
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:05,538
female spiders kill the male
after mating.
490
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:09,576
Yeah, but, you know,
that's-that's, like, afterwards.
491
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,118
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man
492
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,588
talking about arachnids.
Spiders.
493
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,290
I've traveled
throughout the world
494
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:26,759
and seen hundreds
of the estimated 35,000 species.
495
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:30,563
They can be big, little,
poisonous, jump high,
496
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:33,566
but one thing all spiders are
is authentic.
497
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,102
You push 'em, they push back.
498
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:37,370
(man screams)
499
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:40,940
If you push up against a
Brazilian, uh, wandering spider?
500
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,943
You might want to wander into
an emergency room. (chuckles)
501
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:47,113
Spiders have very poor eyesight,
you know?
502
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,948
Unlike the Feds,
who have a lot of eyes
503
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,383
and can see
your hard-earned money
504
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,084
no matter where you put it.
505
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,388
You got to love
the female spiders. Yeah.
506
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:58,458
They often begin eating the male
during sex. (chuckles)
507
00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:00,327
You know, he knew
what he was getting into,
508
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,362
but he died doing what he loved.
509
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:06,232
Look, big females
eat their puny mates
510
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,568
simply because
A) They're hungry. Right?
511
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,670
B) They can.
512
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:12,772
Love 'em or hate 'em,
you never wonder
513
00:21:12,805 --> 00:21:14,774
if spiders are being straight
with you.
514
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:17,176
Maybe our leaders should take
a lesson from spiders
515
00:21:17,209 --> 00:21:19,245
instead of,
I don't know, snakes?
516
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,014
Politicians like to come up
with ways to convince us
517
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:23,483
that they're being honest
with us.
518
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:26,018
Here's an idea.
Why don't you tell the truth?
519
00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:28,488
Maybe we should be like spiders
520
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:31,491
and let the women run things,
huh? Yeah.
521
00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:34,327
Just be sure to avoid 'em,
you know, when they're hungry.
522
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,196
Baxter out.
523
00:21:38,698 --> 00:21:40,266
(chicken clucks)
524
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,234
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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