Original subtitles

You know,

you go out with a girl and sometimes it works out,

you go out again.

Sometimes it doesn't and you move on.

But if you just hook up for a night,

it's not a date.

Hey, you going out?

Tom is it?

Didn't work out.

This one's a Max.

Max?

The bastard never showed.

Josh?

Jonathan.

Seeing Jonathan again?

Bruce.

What does Bruce do?

He's an interior decorator.

He's not gay?

I don't think he's gay.

Where are you going?

I'm meeting someone.

Is it a date?

No, it's not a date.

Who are you meeting?

Tom I think.

You don't know?

Pretty sure.

And?

And he's six foot, curly brown hair,

has a masters from UCLA

and works for a financial services company.

At least that's what his profile says.

Are you dating him or hiring him?

It's not a "date" date.

So where did you meet this Tom or whatever his name is?

I haven't met him yet.

I'm going to meet him now.

You don't know who you're meeting?

It's some guy I met online.

So, he could be Tom the ax murderer.

Yes, dad, he could be Tom the ax murderer.

But we're gonna meet in a public place

and if he walks in carrying an ax,

I promise I'll just excuse myself and leave.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Too much blush.

Are you wearing underwear?

Yes, I'm wearing underwear!

I'm glad you're wearing underwear.

Be careful.

Dad, I'm not stupid.

We're meeting for coffee.

Just to talk.

It is a date.

No, it's not a date.

It's a good idea when you meet people online

to meet them in a public place

to get to know them first.

And make sure they're not going to kill you.

That too.

Bye.

You've been doing this a lot lately.

It's just how people meet nowadays, online, websites.

Did you like that boy that Aunt Cindy set you up with?

No.

The one who just graduated from Northwestern.

No!

No one you or your friends

will ever set me up with will ever work out.

What kind of attitude is that?

I'm sorry.

It's just a fact of life.

Nowadays a mother's match a match made in hell.

It works for the Indians, Muslims, the orthodox Jews.

Fine.

Find me a Muslim, Indian Jew and I am in.

In the meantime, Mom, let me find my own dates.

Hey, babe, do you need any money?

Dad, I'm a nurse.

I work.

Okay, it's habit.

Go. Go have a good time.

Thank you.

What's his name again?

Tom.

Tom.

Six foot, brown hair,

with a college degree from UCLA.

Good.

I want to be able to give the cops a good ID.

You are not funny.

I am funny.

Call us for any problems

and Joe the handyman for all emergencies.

I can handle it.

Go. Have a good time.

Do you have the tickets.

I have the tickets.

Let me see them.

I have the tickets.

Are they in your bag or your pocket?

Mom, he has the tickets.

Now you have the tickets.

Go. Have a good time.

Get out of here.

Bye guys.

What?

Oh, one second.

Hey.

Hey, how's it going?

You're really good.

Thank you.

I'm Carly.

Steve.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

Be careful.

I don't want to break the statue.

Oh!

Sorry.

Are you okay?

Think I have a concussion?

You have a little bump.

You want something to drink?

Wine?

Wine puts me to sleep.

And I don't know if I'm going to be up late.

Am I going to be up late?

I'll make coffee.

So is this your place?

My parents'.

Are they out for the night?

They're away for a couple of days.

Vegas.

They like Vegas.

Do you wanna smoke?

Sure.

Your parents don't mind that you keep

your weed out in the open?

It's their weed.

They really like these mini J's.

I should warn you in advance.

I get very existential when I smoke.

Like how?

Like I realize the true meaning of life

but I can never remember what it was.

So, if I say anything brilliant, write it down.

So, tell me, Steve,

what else don't I know about you?

Well, I know you can kiss.

And you're a good dancer.

But I don't know much else about you.

What exactly would you like to know?

How did you end up in California?

I got a full ride to Stanford and I stayed.

So, you're smart.

I'm not Einstein but smart enough.

I mean smart enough to work at an internet start-up

but not smart enough yet to make my own ideas happen.

But they'll happen.

What kind of ideas?

Apps and stuff.

Yeah, apps and stuff.

Are you sure we haven't met before.

At a party or some event?

I don't think so.

And anyway, I remember feet.

They're the sexiest part of a woman's body.

Well, in the top four anyway.

You dress them up in sexy shoes.

They're the beginning of where a man wants to end.

And they're the first part of a woman

that she'll give up freely.

Sounds like a fetish to me.

There are worse ones.

So, how about you? Do you like nursing?

Oh, I love nursing.

Lot of blood and stuff?

Well, you get to help people.

You give shots?

Yeah.

Needles.

I hate needles.

Well, what do you love?

I don't know about love.

Oh, come on.

You must love something.

The word's over-hyped.

Okay, fine.

Skip love.

What do you like?

Like, love, work, fuck.

They're all dirty four letter words.

I'm more of a metaphysical kind of guy.

Metaphysical?

Well, maybe I meant physical.

Come on, what do you like?

What do you like?

I like

mojitos and Frieda Kahlo.

Single malt and Stan Lee.

Chicago deep dish.

Pineapple.

Tennis.

Angry Birds.

There you go.

You do have likes.

Its not about what you like or love in this life.

It's about what you want and how you're gonna get it.

What do you want?

You are fast.

I can go slow when it counts.

Do you have a Jimmy hat?

A what?

A condom. Protection.

Whatever.

A Jimmy hat?

Shut up!

It won't feel as good.

And anyway, I trust you.

Look, I'd like to fuck you.

I wanna fuck you.

But I'm not...

I'm pulling out before I get there.

What?

Did you miss high school sex ed?

You want me to go out and get one?

No I have one upstairs.

Come on.

I really hate to have to be the pussy police.

I don't feel good about it either.

And I certainly don't want to get Mr. Jimmy in trouble.

But I promise I'll make it up to you.

What time is it?

You have some place to go?

No.

Come on back to bed.

How long have your beard?

I don't know.

Years.

Not more than two.

What makes you think that?

Your driver's license fell out of your pants' pocket.

Your name is Milo Daily, not Steve.

Steve is my middle name.

You didn't have that beard when we met two years ago.

We've met before?

Yeah.

I met the beardless dude that's on your ID.

And I don't think you told me your name was

Steve or Milo then.

Okay, I gave you a phony name.

But that's all and I'm sorry about that.

But I've run into some fucked up bitches before.

Not you!

But sometimes you sleep with a girl once

and she can get a little nutsy.

But hey, I like you.

Like, love, work, fuck.

What else is a lie?

You want me to go?

What else?!

I'm not from Indiana.

I grew up in Sherman Oaks.

Stanford.

Cal State.

Computer wiz?

I'm a baker.

Look, would I be lying in your bed

if you knew I was a baker and wore a hair net all day,

and didn't make six figures.

Maybe.

Bullshit.

But, come on, does that really matter?

I mean, we had a good time last night, didn't we?

I am surprised you don't remember me.

But I guess to you, all pussies look alike.

What the hell are you talking about?

We fucked a couple of times two years ago.

I really don't think that was me.

Yeah, it was.

My friend, Margie, introduced us at a pool party.

We hooked up in her bathroom.

You asked me out the next weekend

and we went back to your place.

I remember the dinner date.

There was none.

Take out at your place.

Fucking was our evening entertainment.

And then you disappeared.

Not so much as a text, a call,

a "sorry, we didn't click".

Nada!

I swear.

I don't remember.

No?

Maybe your hair was different?

No.

Did you lose weight?

No!

Gain weight?

Fuck you!

Hey! That was then, I guess, and this is now.

And I bet you enjoyed then and now.

I had no complaints then,

until about a week later when I started

smelling like a wet dog.

You gave me an STD.

All right.

It couldn't have been me, I...

It was you!

Do you know how much a pain in the ass it is to get treated?

Have you been treated?

Or are you still out there spreading the cheer?

It wasn't me.

Really, it wasn't.

I really enjoyed last night.

I thought we clicked.

In fact I had plans for a second date.

Plans.

What kind of plans?

Perversions.

No, look, I'm kidding.

I'm not a bad guy.

You're looking for a serious relationship,

I'm looking for a serious relationship.

And I'm sorry about the name.

But come on, it's gonna take

more than one night of cuddling.

Come on.

It wasn't me.

Okay.

We'll forget this ever happened.

We'll start over.

Perfect.

Why don't you grab another Jimmy hat from the drawer.

Aw!

What the fuck?

What was the fuck was that?

Antibiotics.

You're fucking crazy.

I'm going to put this on my Facebook page

with the heading "scum of the earth".

Really? You're fucked up.

You know that.

I am out of here.

You're insane.

Should I expect your call?

Or maybe we can double date?

Chlamydia, gonorrhea, you and me.

Just stay away from me, okay?

And you wonder why guys don't wanna be upfront with you.

And I'm not driving you back.

You can walk or you can take a cab.

I don't care.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Very mature.

I need something to drink.

Just get out of here.

Give me something to drink.

Just go.

I need some water.

Regular or sparkling?

Just water.

Oh, shit!

My tongue.

My tongue is swelling up.

Let me see.

Are you allergic to anything?

No!

What the fuck did you give me?

911.

Call 911.

Calm down.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit! Shit!

Fucker, don't die on me!

This is the Sagat residence,

home of Bill, Laurie and, on occasion, Carly Sagat.

Please leave a message at the beep.

Carly, this is your mother.

Don't forget to walk Max.

And put the dishes away.

Don't let the house turn into a pigsty.

We're having a nice time.

Your father took me to a show last night.

The Blue Man.

I didn't get it but it was very good.

Hey, give me the phone.

Princess, don't bring men over.

Have them take you out.

All right, we'll call again later.

- Have a nice time. - Dad.

Dad, it's not my fault

but something's happened and I,

I can't talk right now.

Yeah, I have a friend over.

Just a friend.

Yeah, I gotta go.

Something just spilled.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

It's okay.

It's gonna be okay.

You bitch.

What the fuck?

What the hell is going on?

Let me out of this.

I can't.

Are you kidding me?!

Help!

Help! Anybody help!

I'm upstairs.

Look, you can yell all you want.

But nobody's going to hear you.

This house has great insulation

and the windows are double panned.

So, if you want to yell, be my guest.

I'll just go downstairs until you wear yourself out.

Wait a minute. Wait a...

This is all 'cause I may have given you

herpes or something?

No!

Yes.

Yes, I was pissed.

But I just gave you an antibiotic

to cure all your genital bugs.

That is all.

You tried to kill me!

No, I didn't!

You had an allergic reaction.

How was I supposed to know that?

You're lucky I'm a nurse.

I saved your life.

Oh, you deserve a medal.

I'll call TIME.

Have them put you on the cover.

Now, let me go.

I want you to know,

I'm a really good person.

I've never hurt anybody in my life.

If have made any mistakes,

it's been my choice in men.

But it's not so easy now.

No, it is easy.

Just cut me loose.

We'll forget all about this.

We pretend we've never met.

I would love to pretend that we have never met!

Then I have to trust you.

And knowing you, I don't.

What the fuck do you want from me?

Where are you going with this?

I gave you medication.

I caused you an injury.

That's malpractice.

And now, I guess, I've kidnapped you.

But I don't want to lose my nursing license.

And I don't wanna go to jail.

I know I fucked up.

I know.

I just need time to think this all out.

Figure this out. What is there to figure?

Oh, this is nonsense.

I mean, I've have had some fucked up dates before

but this is really...

I'm the bad date?

I'm the fucking bad date?!

Hey.

That's not what I meant.

Well, okay maybe that's what I meant but...

...I need to pee.

Whoa! What are you doing?

I'm gonna help you pee.

I can't pee sitting down with you holding my dick.

Let me stand up and go.

Well, just try.

I can't think about peeing with you holding my dick.

I'm a nurse.

Yeah, I know you're a nurse.

In fact you look pretty hot in scrubs.

I'm just thinking we forget about all this.

You know, you take your clothes off, I take mine

and we start off where we left off.

Everything else is forgotten and forgiven.

Let me get this straight.

You fucked me.

I fucked you up.

And now you want to fuck me again.

Sounds like a plan.

Milo, Milo.

Milo.

What am I going to do with you?

Aw!

What do you call it?

Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Knish.

Your baloney poney.

Cum Gun?

Your one-eyed trouser snake?

You think it can magically get you in and out of places.

But it can't.

It's not a gun.

Bang! Bang!

You can't wave it like a flag.

It's not sharp enough to cut you loose.

And I bet, if I wanted,

I could make it big.

Yeah.

But right now, Milo,

I bet you can't get it up.

All you can do with this thing now is pee.

Let me fuckin' out of this!

What happened?

A moment ago you were romancing me.

I really need to pee.

All right.

I'm going to cut you loose.

And you can walk to the toilet.

But that's it, got it?

You think you're god now

but I'm going to fucking kill you.

I am god.

The pussy god.

Help!

Help!

Somebody help!

Carly!

Carly!

Help!

Carly.

Carly.

Carly!

Carly!

Carly!

Oh.

Max?!

What are you doing?

Come here.

Didn't you her me?

What's the matter?

I fucking shit myself.

Oh, my god!

Max!

You can't, you can't do that.

You can't leave me like this.

I mean, what do you want?

I'll give you anything you want.

I don't know what I want.

I'm gonna clean you up.

But look, I left your hand free

so you could eat, drink, scratch and change the channels.

But if you fucking try anything,

I'm gonna let you sit in your shit for a week.

Do you understand me?

Don't be embarrassed.

It's not your fault.

I should have thought of this.

I'll get you a bedpan for the next time

so in case you have to, this won't be such an issue.

Well, at least take this thing out.

I'm not running up to hold your dick

every time you need to pee.

So for now, it'll have to stay.

Oh, oh.

Do you want anything in particular for dinner?

Are you serious?

I can order a pizza or I can make you beef stew.

I'm a really good cook.

What would you like?

I'd like to make a phone call.

That's not going to happen.

You can't keep me here forever.

The sooner you let me go, the better this will be for you.

Never mind.

I'm too tired to cook.

I'll order pizza.

Pineapple right?

Pepperoni.

I thought you liked pineapple.

I lied.

Why did you lie about pizza?

Girls like guys who like veggies.

Oh, really?

Where the hell do come up with these things?

Carly.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Don't do that.

Please don't do that.

Help!

Help! What are you doing?

- Help. - Count to a hundred.

Help.

Help.

Sleep tight.

Thick crust, extra cheese.

Is this some weird sex thing?

Mom, Mom, it'll be okay.

What?

What'll be okay?

You left this place a pigsty.

How many times have I told you to use a plate.

Okay, okay.

She has a man in her room.

A what?

She has a man in her room!

We talked about this.

Carly, it seems to bother your mother a little

more than it does me but we know

you're a grown woman and we know

you have relationships with men.

No. She has a man in a cast in her room.

Well the fact she's sleeping with somebody

that has a broken something or other doesn't matter.

What matters...

Are you deaf?

She's keeping a man a prisoner in her room.

What are you talking about?

What is she talking about?

Dad, just come with me.

I'll explain.

I once dated a girl who had terrible asthma.

She was on oxygen all the time.

When we had sex, I thought sometimes she was dying,

from all the wheezing.

I mean, this boy, he just has a broken leg, right?

He's not a cripple or anything.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

What were you thinking?

It just happened.

It just happened.

There was no thinking.

Obviously not.

I'm sorry, dad.

I really am.

How long is he going to be unconscious like that?

I don't know.

Probably another hour or so

and then he'll wake up and start yelling again.

We can't keep him drugged up all the time.

No.

What are we gonna do, Bill?

Well, we're not going to take it out on the cheese.

Here.

Here, take your medicine.

I don't think there's a pill for this.

Take your medicine!

He's okay.

He's not hurt.

He's not badly hurt.

I just don't know what to do with him.

He's not a pet.

You have to let the man go.

I know.

But, but I don't want my life to be over.

If he goes to the police, I could go to jail.

I don't wanna be a criminal.

And this is a man you slept with after the first date?

You are concerned with her dating life?

Get a handle on what this is, Bill.

This is the end of our lives.

This is the end of our fucking lives.

Don't get hysterical on me, baby.

I'm not hysterical.

I'm not hysterical.

Who's hysterical?

I'm not freaking hysterical.

Laurie!

Where are you going?

I'm going to jump in the pool and drown myself.

You're not gonna jump in the pool and drown yourself.

Why not?

Why the hell not?!

Because if you jump into the pool

you're not going to drown.

You're going to freeze to death

and I'm going to freeze coming in after you.

Come on back inside.

Mom, it's gonna be okay.

Oh, really. You think so?

Look, It should not be a crime

to treat someone who's just giving STD's

willy nilly to all women all through the universe.

No.

He is not nice person.

You're right.

Come on, let's go inside.

And the fact that "he's not a nice person"

is not a good enough reason to have the guy

all plastered up upstairs.

Who's side are you on, Bill?

I'm on Carly's side, of course.

But this is not right.

Dad, I know it's not right.

But there must be a way to make it right.

I don't know.

You're not involved.

Of course we're involved.

You're keeping a man prisoner in our home.

But if he never sees you, he'll never know you're here.

Oh, great logic.

I want you to leave again.

Go back to Vegas.

It'll give me some time to figure this out on my own.

We're not leaving you until we all figure you

away out of this mess.

I deal with scumbags all the time.

Lying buyers, sellers, appraisers, bankers.

Laurie, this is not a real estate transaction gone wrong.

Thank you.

I know that.

But it's business.

In business you make deals.

You compromise. There are options.

Let's just think, think for options.

If we let him go, he'll most likely go to the police.

I would.

Bill.

No, Dad's right.

We have to think logically, not emotionally.

When he wakes up, we'll try to reason with him.

And if he decides to go to the police, well,

I'll just have to hire a really good lawyer.

That's your solution, a lawyer?

Well, what options are you thinking about, Laurie?

The drowning option?

The freezing option?

Or the option to buy our house?

You could accuse him first.

Go to the police and accuse him of rape or something.

Rape, rape.

That's a good idea!

Finally you've come up with a great idea.

No, I can't.

After all the "he says, she says" dies down,

you can recant.

You've made mistakes.

He's made mistakes.

There's no moral high ground here, right?

I can't!

Why not?

Because after we slept together

and before all of this happened,

I may have texted a few friends.

So?

So, I may have told them he was good in bed.

Carly.

At least I didn't post any pictures.

Thank God for that little blessing.

Okay.

What else?

We're not killing anybody.

No.

No. No.

Okay.

Oh God, I can't think.

We don't want to do anything rash.

I'm going to bed.

We'll think about this more in the morning.

Bill, how can you sleep?

It's late.

It was a long drive back from Vegas.

I'm exhausted.

We'll get some rest.

And we'll think more clearly. Come on.

Yeah, dad's right.

At least we know he's not gonna get up

and walk out the front door?

No, he can't.

I'll be right back.

Wait, where are you going?

I haven't fed him yet.

He'll wake up soon and I promised him pizza.

And if he starts yelling, don't go in there.

And if he does yell, don't worry.

He's okay.

He's got food and water and the remote control.

All the comforts of home.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going in there and try to reason with him.

She told you not to go in there.

What have you got in your pocket?

Nothing.

What have you got in your pocket?

Don't go nutsy on me again.

I don't care.

I'll go to jail.

I'll take the blame for this.

But we are going to come up with a sensible solution.

You're more tired than I am.

You're not making any sense.

Come back to bed.

Come on.

Don't you see?

This punk is going to ruin our daughter's life.

I'm her mother.

I'm not going to just stand by and watch that happen.

Come back to bed.

Take another pill.

Another pill?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Get off me!

This is a situation.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

You think he has parents?

I'm sure of it.

No, you know what I mean.

Parents, living, worried about him?

I've got more to worry about my own daughter.

I don't need to be worrying about his parents.

Come on!

Before he wakes up.

We could bury him in the backyard

where you wanted to build your barbecue.

You are so taking your medication.

So, I can build my barbecue?

You know, eventually you're going to have to let me go.

I mean, we're not going to spend

the rest of our lives together like this.

What do you think?

The more time we spend together,

we're just gonna get comfortable with each other and this,

this situation.

Pretty soon, I'm gonna go from a cast to handcuffs;

from pizza to your beef stew.

And one day you'll lead me downstairs on a leash

to meet the folks.

Maybe you think I'm gonna succumb

to some Stockholm syndrome or something?

'Cause it's not going to happen.

You're fucked.

And the longer I'm here the more fucked you are.

How do you know I'm not going to cut you up

into little pieces and feed you to my dog?

Have another slice of pizza.

Max likes a lot of meat on his bones.

All right, you can pretend some type of female

Hannibal Lecter, but you're not.

In the end, I go home and you go to jail

or the nut house maybe.

People are gonna ask about me.

Somebody's going to notice my car

sitting at the club all night.

People are gonna start asking questions.

And, eventually, in a few hours,

a few days maybe, the cop's gonna be knocking

on your front door.

You have been watching way too much television.

I have a feeling nobody cares about you.

I mean, how long could it take to replace

a supermarket deli man?

I'm not a deli man.

I'm a baker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Butcher, baker, candlestick maker.

You know, the more you talk,

the uglier you get.

So who's here?

You know.

Your parents.

Your whole family can't be as crazy as you.

Maybe somebody here has got have some sense.

If you yell and wake anybody up, I swear.

Okay, I won't. I won't.

Just don't tug on the catheter.

I didn't say you had to move your hand.

So what did you

tell your friends?

You know after that night.

What do you mean?

You know after you came the first time,

you went to the bathroom.

And you tweeted or texted somebody.

You are so vain.

What?

Women talk.

I know women talk.

You guys love to talk.

At the weirdest times too.

You know the story always went that guys

talked about their conquests.

I never did.

I mean my friends would get together

and somebody would talk about who they're dating

or if they were fucking somebody but nobody

got very graphic about their business.

I bet the size and width of my dick is online right now.

Yeah.

That's why it had to be a tweet.

Did you turn the faucet on when you went to the bathroom

'cause you didn't want me to hear you pee.

You know, I know women pee, for Christ sake.

Shut up.

What are you doing?

I'm going to bed.

You're going to sleep here? In this bed.

It's my room.

My bed.

Don't you usually sleep naked?

Usually.

But not with you here.

How the fuck do you sleep?

Usually I wear underwear but that's so I can jack off

at a moment's notice.

Oh my God.

You are so disgusting.

Oh, little Miss Sunshine with the vibrator in the drawer.

Shut up.

Now, I feel sorry for you.

It's going to be a bitch smuggling this thing into prison.

Good night, Carly.

Here.

Take it.

What do I do with this?

You put it in the catheter,

withdraw the fluid in the balloon,

and pull it out.

Pull it out?

Yeah.

I put it in.

You pull it out.

What are we talking about here?

Oh my God, the catheter.

That's nice.

Thank you.

Did you sleep?

Not very well.

I was up all night keeping an eye on you.

I know. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't drink at night.

Oh, it was the wine, huh?

Yeah.

I hid the gun.

Okay.

Where?

I wasn't going to do anything.

I just wanted to scare him.

You scare me.

My daughter scares me.

What are you going to do about it, Bill?

I don't know.

It's all gone.

What?

All of our hopes and dreams for Carly.

They're gone.

What are you talking about?

We'll work this out.

Carly's still a wonderful girl.

She worked hard to make herself a successful career.

She has lots of friends.

She's attractive.

She has lots of dates.

She'll find someone she likes.

That.

All that what you said.

It's gone.

I should just shoot myself.

You're going down that dead end road again.

I can't help it.

There's no solution.

There's a solution.

I just haven't thought of it yet.

Are you going to be all right with him here?

I'm fine.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Don't do anything nutsy.

Who is it?

Oh, God. I forgot.

Monday morning is mahj.

Help!

Anybody! I'm...

Shut up!

Who's coming?

Ruth and Mindy and your Aunt Cindy.

I won't answer.

Upstairs.

But they know you're here.

Help, anybody!

Just give me a minute and then answer.

Please.

Are you sure?

I can handle this.

Please, I'm upstairs.

Are we playing Maj or going clubbing?

I grew up with her.

I was invisible.

She's a man magnet.

So, are we gonna play or what?

Can you hear me?

Hey!

Aw!

Hey!

Hey.

Sorry about that.

I won't do it again.

So, who's here?

Do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you.

Somebody's here.

You know I'm very sociable.

Come on.

Introduce me to your mother.

Mothers love me.

I'm a potential.

A potential what?

What do you think? A potential seed for the grand kids.

Bad seed.

So whose helmets?

Who rides?

My dad.

I've got a Harley.

A fat boy.

Really?

It's all tricked out.

Lots of chrome, Custom paint.

It's a beauty.

No, I don't have a Harley.

I don't have a bike.

More lies.

But you liked that image, didn't you.

Just for a moment, you tell the truth.

You were imagining yourself straddling my hog

cruising down the coast highway,

that exciting vibration between your legs.

Why do you have to be anything you're not?

Am I any different from you?

You pretend.

A make-up, those push up bras,

tight short dresses, those come fuck me shoes.

What are you pretending to be?

It is not the same.

I'm not lying about myself.

I'm making myself, myself look better.

You're making up a whole different person.

It's my make-up.

When I'm comfortable with somebody, I take it off.

What's the longest relationship you've ever had?

I mean I know you're good at one night stands but

have you ever gotten past a week?

You sound like my shrink.

You see a shrink?

Really?

For 15 years.

Wait a minute.

That means you've been seeing a shrink since high school?

A troubled soul.

If I didn't go to therapy every day after school,

I would have had to play soccer

or basketball or baseball and I hated all that shit.

My after-school program was listening to my psychiatrist

convince me how my parents fucked up my life.

"Do you think your parents liked your brother

"better than you?

"Do you think you would have rather been born a girl?

"If your cock was a pen, what color would the ink be?"

Maybe Dr. Gupta's brainwashing is what fucked up my life.

You're making all this up, aren't you?

Check my wallet.

Dr. Gupta from Encino.

I'm through playing games with your Carly.

Look where it's gotten me.

Your parents know I'm up here, don't they?

I've had men over before.

They treat me like an adult.

They don't ask, I don't tell.

So, your parents don't know you have a man

set in plaster in your bed?

No.

Okay.

So what about you, huh?

Have you ever had a serious relationship?

I mean, not a one night stand,

or a weekend relationship for a couple of months,

or high-school puppy love where you write

the guys name down a thousand times

or mention him to your friends as "the one,"

to make some make-believe love seem real?

Or, do you cast all your men in plaster?

Hey, don't worry about it.

Really.

I see you getting married some day.

I do.

And then shooting your husband.

Fuck you.

Where you going?

See you later.

I'll be here.

Flower.

Wait a minute.

I'll take that.

Did you hear that Barbara's gonna have another grandchild?

Nine dot.

Red.

I'm going broke buying gifts.

Graduation gifts, bridal showers, wedding gifts.

Well, you've had your share.

I'm the barren one here.

Seven dot.

Is Carly dating anyone?

We're having some problems with Carly right now.

What kind of problems?

I don't want to talk about it.

Four crack.

Men of course.

Cindy, what do you know?

What other kinds of problems could she be having?

Well, you know everything, don't you?

My daughter is not a topic of discussion.

She is off the table.

Oh, come on.

Carly's a wonderful girl.

She'll find someone.

Joker.

She'll meet a nice doctor, you'll see.

Oh my God!

I don't want to talk about this.

Flower.

Well we know she's had her share of issues but...

Can't you not hear?

I don't want to discuss it.

It's no crime being single nowadays.

Maybe it should be.

If you're not married by thirty, go to jail.

That's crazy.

Who would go to jail?

The guys or the girls?

Both.

It would be a new game.

Incarceration Match dot com.

Is that what you want?

Is that what you want? You want my Carly to go to jail?

Just joking, sis.

Six dot.

Oh! Mahj!

Look at this.

Oh, yes.

Every time.

Could you get me a washcloth?

I was sweating to hell in there.

Let go.

Let go!

We really need to talk.

Okay, this isn't going where either of us wanted to go.

And there was some chemistry the other night, wasn't there?

I mean, it wasn't just fucking.

No. I think it was just fucking.

What the fuck!

It was a kiss.

I'm not playing your game.

One more time and you'll tell me this is a game.

I know you think I'm a phony.

And maybe I am.

But not completely.

I liked you.

I really did.

Carly, I think you're beautiful.

I just don't think beautiful women will like me

unless I make things up.

And it wasn't me that gave you an STD.

It wasn't.

You don't get those things from toilet seats.

I know.

But maybe it was something else.

Or somebody else.

I'm dying in here.

You've got to cut this part off.

It itches like crazy.

Gotta pee.

Oh my God.

Is that it?

Yeah. A little deeper.

A little lower.

Yeah.

Ahh!

You're almost there.

Almost there.

Oh, fuck it.

Be careful. Be careful.

Oh, you're right there. Aw!

Hold your balls to the side.

Oh!

You're right there.

Yes.

- Yes! - It's nothing.

Let's go to lunch.

Just like that.

- Wait. - Oh.

No way. Wait.

Oh, you're right there.

You've done this before, haven't you?

Ooh, yeah, that's it.

Ow, ow, ow.

I said put your balls to the side.

Okay.

Oh, right there. Right there. Right there.

You got it. You got it.

Oh.

Harder. Harder.

Oh that's perfect.

We never had that kind of fun growing up.

It's nothing.

He has a great HMO.

Carly, what are you doing with that boy?

What do you mean?

She means he's not a sex toy.

I didn't mean that.

I have no objections to men as sex toys.

Cindy!

Aunt Cindy, I didn't mean for you to get involved.

I'm family.

I can't be uninvolved.

What was going on it there?

Nothing's going on.

He had an itch.

You've got to scratch a man's itch, Laurie.

Lord knows, I've scratched my share.

What is he thinking?

He's thinking how he can talk me into cutting him loose.

He kissed me.

Oh?

All bound up like that, he kissed you?

It's his game.

Don't let that boy toy with you.

He's not toying with me.

Laurie?

Could you get some more iced tea?

Sure.

I really fucked up this time, Aunt Cindy.

Nonsense.

Men are scum.

Even your Uncle Harry, may he rest in peace, was scum.

I spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to

look like the the 20 somethings he was chasing after.

Then the 30 somethings and 40 somethings.

I was always a decade behind.

So, where did you meet this boy?

At a club.

You never wanna first meet a man

in the dark with alcohol.

I know it's routine but it's a recipe for disaster.

Now, I may look old to you but I am a modern woman.

I look for love online.

But you got to know how to play the game.

If a guy says he's 50, he's 60.

If he's 60, he's 70.

But you know what they call me?

A Boomer Hottie.

That's right.

Your aunt is still a hottie.

I used to keep just only condoms and lube in my purse,

but now I keep a little bottle of these devils

in case some guy wants to take me over Viagra Falls.

Oh! Aunt Cindy!

What?!

You're disgusted that an old woman like me

still likes to screw?

Honey, you're gonna be me one day.

With this luck, who knows if I'll ever get laid again.

Getting laid is the easy part.

Finding someone you wanna wake up with

in the morning, that's the bugger.

You know what?

You need to breath.

To unstress.

Go shopping.

You like shopping.

My sister likes shopping.

I'll keep an eye on things here.

I really don't want you involved.

Who's involved?

I'm just watching the house.

Go.

Oh, thank God.

Are you Carly's mother?

I'm her aunt.

It doesn't matter.

Look, you got to help me.

You got to cut me out of this.

I think with a heavy scissors we can...

She's a lovely girl, don't you think?

I know what you're thinking.

You want to say the c-word.

I would too if I was all bound up like you.

But from what I understand,

you're not completely innocent here.

I slept with her.

That is all.

That's all?

That's all!

What the fuck!

You've got to get me out of here.

Have a drink.

I don't want anything to drink.

Just help me get out of this.

You look hot.

Have a drink.

Cool down.

Maybe we can work something out.

There.

So now what?

You know, I have never seen a relationship problem

where the fault was all one sided.

Well, you're looking at Mr. Faultless, right now.

How old are you?

I'm 28.

Not 38?

No!

Huh.

I guess men tell the truth about their age until they're 30.

Okay.

You have to call the police or something

or you're just as involved.

I don't know about that.

If I was every called upon to say anything,

I would just tell them

I didn't want to get involved in the kinky sexcapades

of the younger generation.

This isn't any kinky sex.

I'm being held here against my will.

What are you doing?

Just checking to see if the cast covered everything.

You're a baker?

You can tell I'm a baker just by looking at my crotch?

Carly told me.

I love those chewy fudge brownies with walnuts.

Do you make those?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Brownies.

Do you make brownies?

Yes.

Bread pudding?

Yep.

Bread pudding.

Brownies, cakes, challah, all of it.

Now help me!

Have you every gone on one of those online dating sites

where you put in all your personal information?

Yes.

And you go one of those dates from those sites

and it's like being on an airplane

and it's taking you to the wrong city.

You can't get off.

Horrible.

I bet that is how Carly is feeling right now.

I'm an open minded person.

I'm not very judgmental.

Everybody likes something different.

But I'm a firm believer in pleasure

for pleasure's sake.

What are you doing?

Just live in the moment.

The moment?

You don't have to be modest with me.

We're going to play a game.

You know, pretend.

You patient.

Me nurse.

Jesus!

Carly, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am.

Genuinely sorry.

I know I hurt you.

Not that this flimsy excuse suffices.

I mean what punishment you've given me is deserved.

Truly deserved.

And I place no limit on the fault I accept.

No one is to blame for this,

for all of this.

No one but me.

Milo Daily.

How was that?

Shallow.

I didn't buy it.

It wasn't a mistake.

We all make mistakes.

Yours was something deeper.

You made a life choice.

Then what?

What can I say?

What gets me out of this?

Maybe you need to grovel more.

"Carly, I am sick.

"I'm repulsive.

"I'm garbage."

I'm repulsive?

I'm garbage?

Abso-fuckin-lutely.

But don't feel bad.

You're not alone.

I have known a world of cocksuckers.

So?

You liked fucking my niece but did you like her?

Yeah, I did.

I think she's cute.

I have a puppy that's cute.

Like you're cute.

So maybe a more romantic apology?

Is that what you're thinking?

"Carly, I know you don't believe me,

"but I really want you in my life.

"I love you."

Will the love card ork?

Not like that it won't.

Well, fuck!

I don't know what you the fuck you want, what she wants.

You and your fuckin' niece can go meet all your men

on Snatch dot com or Okay Stupid,

just get me the fuck out of here.

Oh, sweetheart.

Maybe you need a little more pain to make a sincere apology.

Hey, what do you mean?

What do you mean?!!

Hey, I'm not a bad guy!

Any trouble?

No. Not at all.

You remember Detrick?

Actually, I've never met Detrick.

And is this really the right time?

I told Detrick.

You told Detrick what?

Oh my god, Cindy!

What are you doing?

We're gone for two hours and you complicate everything.

You complicate everything.

No, no, no.

It's all right, Mrs. Sagat.

I am on your side for everything.

He's a terrible man and he deserves everything he gets.

Oh, don't crinkle up your forehead.

You are so beautiful.

All the women in this family are so beautiful.

Your skin so smooth.

How I envy you.

Who are you?

Detrick is the premier waxer at the Brazilian bar

where Aunt Cindy and I go to.

You flatter me.

You should come by next time with your daughter and sister.

The first treatment I do for free.

I will make your vagina and anus

look like new.

New!

Cindy, why did you invite him here?

That boy Carly has upstairs has been taking advantage

of women all of his life.

Honey, allow me.

He has no respect for women;

no idea what women go through in their relationships.

In order to have compassion you must know the pain.

So I manscaped him.

You did what?

Just a Brazilian.

And an anal bleaching.

I waxed his scrotum, pubic and anal area

and whitened him wonderfully.

I was as gentle as I always am.

But he was such a child.

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Such a pussy.

Cindy took pictures.

Yes.

We found him like this.

We think he was trying to escape.

So we thought we should cuff him

so he wouldn't try that again.

I hid my identity.

He was a screamer.

I made him smooth as a baby.

Cheek to cheek and all dressed up.

He clearly was not into having a good appearance

and good hygiene down there.

But what do you expect from somebody like that.

But now, his ass and balls are more kissable than his face.

But then he had the snow balls.

So we took him outside to tan a bit.

What?

I'm here, I am ready, my love.

And you are?

I am so sorry.

She is my fiancee.

That.

I told her she could come right in.

Thank you so very much for your help.

No.

Thank you for letting me be a part of this beautiful crime.

And I hope you don't mind.

I gave him a Prince Albert.

What is a Prince Albert?

Okay.

Whatever.

It's just something to please the ladies.

You will love it.

Stop that one!

Don't rush me, all the time!

Isn't it beautiful?

There is someone for everyone.

Oh, I should tell you the gods were smiling on us today.

Thank god for that ball gag.

Why?

A policeman showed up while Detrick

was doing his business.

If he would have yelled...

A policeman?!

He wanted to talk to you but I told him

you weren't here.

So he left.

That's all?

He didn't say more.

I didn't ask more.

Oh my god, a policeman!

He's going to come back!

Fudge! Fudge! Fudge!

Oh, Laurie, just say fuck.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Did you take your Xanax?

Yes.

Take another.

Look, these things have a way of working themselves out.

Your mother's the pessimist.

Your father's a cockeyed optimist.

But you are the pragmatist.

I am not a pessimist.

It's just that we're all going to jail.

I talked to your father.

He's coming home soon.

He'll help you get him back upstairs.

And then I think the right time and idea will come.

What makes you think so?

You fucked up.

But I've fucked up plenty of times.

And look at me.

I'm not a pessimist.

You don't know when things are serious.

This is serious.

Keep sharp things away from your mother.

Happy Mardi Gras!

They really messed you up, huh kid?

Mr. Sagat?

- If you just... - Shh.

I don't want to hear from you.

I've been listening in my head to everything

that can be said from you, from my daughter,

and my wife, and I don't want to hear anymore.

Nope.

Want something that's really tasty?

There you go.

Don't spill it.

Don't spill it.

Don't spill it.

Oh, no good.

You spilled it.

You're wasting good booze, dude.

Really good.

This, this is just silliness.

Oh, man!

I like the Dodgers this year.

Yeah, I like the Dodgers.

I like the Dodgers every year but this year they don't suck.

I got season tickets.

Behind the dug-out.

Yeah! I said...

♪ Take me out to the ballgame

♪ Take me out with the crowd

♪ Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks

♪ I don't care if I never come back

♪ For it's

Root, root, root

♪ For the home team

Stay with me.

♪ If they don't win it's a shame

♪ For it's

♪ One, two, three strikes you're out at the old ball game

That was great.

That was great.

We're so good with that together.

You know, that was great.

I've been trying to think of, you know,

other things besides this.

Like, you know, baseball.

I know what you're thinking.

I know you're thinking what's the answer to all this.

Gee, golly, whiz, what's the answer?

I've got the ultimate answer.

It's the biological imperative.

If you ever have kids of your own, you'll know.

You're always gonna love blood, no matter what.

No matter what they do.

No matter what they become.

Why do you look so pissed off at me?

Why do you, what the fuck did I do to you?

Huh?

Man, I caught a tooth.

That's all the pain I'm gonna cause you

for now.

Hey, good talk.

Yeah.

Good talk.

- Hey baby. - Dad!

These are your best friends.

They care about you.

Let them help.

Dad, isn't it enough that I'm already

in a shitload of trouble?

I didn't want anybody else involved.

It's not your fault.

He's a scumbag.

It was an accident.

Look, she shouldn't have to have her life ruined

because the guy's allergic to shit.

We're going to fix this together.

Your mother is not coping well with this, Princess.

I'm more worried about her right now

than I am about you.

I'm gonna take her away for a bit.

But I am going to work this out.

I promise.

What are you gonna do?

I have no idea.

Did you ever think about just

killing the son of a bitch?

Yeah, that was my Mom's idea.

Your Mom's so fucking cool.

But she's crazy.

Yeah, but she's so fucking cool.

Your driver's license fell out of your pant's pocket.

Your name is Milo Daily, not Steve.

Okay, I lied.

But I just wanted you to like me.

You gave me an STD.

- It wasn't me. - It was you.

Come on. Come on.

Can't we just start all over?

You and me.

The real me.

Okay.

We'll forget this ever happened.

We'll start over.

I don't get it, you fucked him?!

Oh, it's as if you've made perfect choices.

I don't know.

He's not that bad looking

and according to your text you sent me...

Shh, shut up.

We'll just say you had some nice things to say.

Well, you think things are gonna work out?

Whatdaya want to do with him?

Carly?

I got it, Carly.

You could get your hands on a pacemaker.

And we'll modify it with some explosives

and stick it inside his chest

so that when he goes to the police.

Boom!

You know what? Fuck it.

I don't need to hide from this bastard.

I'm not afraid of him.

Carly, I want to say, I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

I'm genuinely, genuinely sorry for everything...

You're sorry.

So, sorry.

Where did you find these two?

The girl with the snake tattoo and Goldilocks?

What, do you got the three bears coming later?

This is not a snake.

It's a serpent.

And what makes you think there's gonna be a later?

Why are guys like this always such assholes?

What do you mean guys like this?

Guys who have been drugged, stabbed, pierced,

kidnapped, all trussed up in a cast?

Not to mention...

Guys that put on airs to get laid and then disappear.

I didn't disappear.

Carly, I didn't disappear.

Okay, I go out with a girl.

You know and if it works out, I go out again.

And sometimes something happens.

Or someone, and you move on.

I mean, that's not a sin.

That's life.

Oh my God, I've got it.

We pour whiskey down his throat,

get him shit faced drunk,

and then throw him unconscious into the street somewhere.

By the time the cops find him and he sobers up,

they're not going to believe his crazy story.

That's actually a great idea.

Think about it.

If he shows 'em the cast abrasions,

his pierced dick and the needle puncture to his heart,

they might believe him.

Really? Now you're gonna start thinking clearly?

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Tammy!

I could fucking kill this cocksucker myself!

Calm down. Get down.

Come on, Blondy?

Any more brilliant ideas or are you just

gonna keep flashing me your cooz all day?

Fucking let me punch him in the face!

Why is she such a cunt!?

Okay.

Here we go, ladies.

Thank you.

Say cheese!

Hilary?

Carly, come on, I know I fucked up.

But don't let these friends of yours

talk you into doing something crazy.

Something crazier than you've already done.

Don't get any ideas.

That was just a token to say, I'm really sorry.

Carly.

Come girls, think about what you're doing.

I'm a human being, I make mistakes.

We all make mistakes.

Don't do something you're gonna feel sorry for.

He's not going to fit.

- I will make him fit. - Put that down!

Carly, tell her to put that down.

Don't bother, that won't work.

Thank you.

What the fuck?!

When did this become a horror movie?!

Will you shut up!

Don't be such a pussy!

Allow me.

Don't allow her.

Carly, don't plug it in.

I'm plugging it in.

She's sorry.

It was an accident.

Well, if he wouldn't have moved...

All right, let's get him in the car.

Fuck!

You know I know what's going on.

The police are looking for me.

Someone came to the house, didn't they?

I told you this would end badly for you.

You know, if you girls let me go now,

we can put all of this behind us.

What, you're just gonna not say anything?

I just want this nightmare to end.

The police are not looking for you.

Nobody is looking for you.

You're a missing person.

Like a million other missing persons.

Tammy, don't rile him up.

There's no point in that.

We'll stop and get something to eat

and then we'll keep going.

So that's a Freedom Burger

and a coke.

Yeah, go ahead.

Say something.

Next window please.

I don't like pickles.

You should have spoken up.

I didn't want to get castrated over pickles.

You girls didn't get anything?

I don't eat flesh.

I don't eat nasty, artery clogging junk food.

Oh, the princesses don't eat junk food.

What makes you think I wanted to eat this shit?

Because you're eating it.

I'm your prisoner.

I really don't have a choice, do I?

What do you girls do?

Are you nurses too?

You don't need to know anything about us

except we don't like people who fuck over our friends.

That's bullshit!

The other night she liked it just fine.

You're so full of it.

You know what I've always noticed

about guys with big egos and little dicks is that

it makes faking it so much easier.

She wasn't faking it.

Oh really?

Did she sound something kinda like this?

Kind of like that?

You girls think that's what guys like to hear?

You fucking sound constipated.

Shut up!

You know if you drive over state lines,

that's a federal offense.

Idiot.

Kidnapping is already a federal offense.

And how long do you think it will take

for the Feds to find you guys?

The warrior princess

and legally blond whose carpet doesn't match the drapes.

Throw him out of the car right fucking now!

Okay, okay, okay.

We are almost there.

Where?

To a landfill.

We're going to bury you up to your neck in shit

where you will fit right in.

What the fuck, you almost killed us.

Hey, I'm not gonna just let you kill me.

Tammy, don't.

What the fuck do you care?!

It's not just him.

I fucked up too.

Oh, God.

Okay, just get out of the car.

I'm gonna drive.

Evening ladies.

Who are you?

You're the Nana?

Of course, you're the Nana.

Where are the girls?

Now, I don't know what Carly told you

but this is the truth.

All we did was go out on a date, that's all.

Okay?

And even though we fucked... I'm sorry.

That was a little vulgar, I know.

But you know what, screw it!

Screw it!

I had no intentions.

We had a good time.

We went back to her place.

I didn't think we'd screw.

You know, I thought I'd get like a blow job or...

Sorry, I didn't...

Look, your granddaughter thinks

I gave her some disease like syphilis or something.

I'm not even sure you can still get syphilis.

But it wasn't me.

And I wish I could...

Listen, I know you don't want to hear anything

bad about your granddaughter but Carly's...

You have got to let me go.

Where did you get that, Nana?

Why don't you put that down?

Okay, the whole poor burglar

getting shot by the grandma thing,

it ain't gonna work this time, okay?

So why don't you just put that down

and I'm gonna go?

You're fucking crazy.

Nana, what are you doing?

Give me the gun.

She doesn't even talk.

She just shoots.

Give me the gun.

Nana!

Yes, this is 363 Carob.

There's been a shooting.

Please send an ambulance.

It was an accident.

My grandmother.

Yeah, there's no pulse.

Yes, 363 Carob.

It's a house.

Nana, come on!

Why don't you shoot me too, okay?

I don't care, just fucking shoot me!

It wasn't my fault.

You win, okay?

You can fucking put me in jail.

I don't care.

Just put the gun down and get the fuck out of here.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Mom, Dad, it didn't work.

Tammy, that's not part of the plan.

Everybody calm down.

I'm sorry.

I told you I needed more rehearsal.

It's all right, Nana.

Are we still going to breakfast?

We'll talk about that later, Mom.

I told you this wouldn't work.

It was a good idea.

We'll just have to work something else out.

What the fuck is there to work out, you're crazy.

Even the old bitch is crazy.

Shut up!

No one calls my mother a bitch, you asshole.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute!

Shut up!

Laurie, how'd you get that?

I hid it.

You hide everything in the same place,

your underwear drawer.

Let me shoot him.

Mom, don't shoot him.

Just fucking shoot him.

Put it away.

Let's just tie him up again.

Nobody's tying me up.

Tell me that's another fake gun.

Shut up!

They'll never find him in the desert.

Tammy, shut up.

We don't have any duct tape.

I got scotch tape.

Carly, tell me that's another fake gun.

- Mom, give him the gun. - Give me the gun.

I'm sorry.

Well, that escalated quickly.

Definitely the worst date I ever had.

Shit, I'm starving.

And I'm sure my car got towed.

Now I gotta change my online dating profile.

Seeking someone smart and sexy but not bat shit crazy.

Probably a good idea not to lie anymore though.

Anybody asks me I'm just gonna say right up front,

"Yep, it was me.

"I shot 'em all."

Actually, that's pretty macho.

Women do love macho and nuts.

Here they come.

What do I say?

The truth?

Fuck!

The truth just seems like a lie.

Maybe I'll just start with the truth tomorrow.

Go for Josh.

Hey, Bro, it's Milo.

Milo, what the fuck, man.

We've been worried sick.

We've been trying to call you for days.

Mom and Dad have the police out looking for you.

Speaking of which, now's not a very good time.

Hey, quick question.

Did you date a girl named Carly Sagat?

About two years ago.

Brunette.

Cute laugh.

Yeah, yeah!

I remember her.

I mean it's not a date if you're just

fucking though, right?

Anyway, I think that girl gave me an STD.

Why?

Don't worry about it.