Original subtitles

I STOPPED AT THE STOP SIGN.

I SAT THERE FOR, LIKE, SIX SECONDS.

BUT THERE WERE KIDS IN THE CAR.

NOW I ALWAYS WAIT FOR ONE FULL ROUND

OF "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME,"

BUT WITH OUR OWN LYRICS. (gasps)

♪ TAKE ME OUT IN A SAFE CAR, GET ME HOME IN ONE PIECE ♪

♪ SEE THE PEDESTRIANS PASSING BY ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION, THEN SOMEONE WILL DIE ♪

WOW. A REGULAR VON TRAPP FAMILY.

UH, HEY, BILL, YOUR SHOELACE IS UNTIED.

(whispers) HE CAN'T.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TEACH HIM.

(whispers) HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.

WHAT? (door closes)

WELL!

SOPHISTICATED LADY. JANE, DO YOU HAVE A WHITE THONG I COULD BORROW?

SORRY, MY LOANER THONGS ARE IN THE WASH.

GUESS I'LL JUST FREEBALL IT LIKE USUAL.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING-- COLONEL SANDERS CONVENTION?

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY, JANE. I'M GOING TO A FUNERAL.

OHH. NICE ONE, JANE.

I'M SORRY. WHO DIED?

(sighs) MY AUNT B. IT WAS, UH, VERY SUDDEN.

I'M REALLY STILL IN SHOCK.

HOW OLD WAS SHE? 97.

IT'S TRAGIC. SO VIBRANT, SO FULL OF LIFE,

AND THEN ONE DAY SHE SNEEZED,

AND HER BONES JUST TURNED TO POWDER.

POWDERED BONES-- SILENT KILLER.

REMEMBER TO TAKE YOUR CALCIUM, LADIES. FOR REALS.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, SHE LEFT ME THE BURIAL PLOT

RIGHT NEXT TO HERS. POIGNANT GESTURE, REALLY.

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE ALWAYS USED TO TAKE OUR DISCO NAPS TOGETHER. OOH. SHE LEFT YOU LAND?

THAT'S COOL. REAL ESTATE NEVER GOES DOWN IN VALUE.

WELL... WELL...

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW, RIGHT? ONE DAY YOU'RE 97,

IN THE PRIME OF YOUR LIFE, AND THE NEXT DAY,

SKIN AND POWDER.

ROSEMARY, I'M GONNA RUSTLE YOU UP THAT THONG. (clicks tongue)

♪♪♪

(child laughs)

I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT ROSEMARY'S AUNT.

YOU KNOW. LIFE--IT'S... IT'S REALLY PRECIOUS.

YEAH, IT IS.

YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD YOU MAKE ME GET PROSTATE EXAMS

THREE TO SIX TIMES A YEAR. I MEAN, IT'S NOT FUN...

YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT FUN, BABE. OKAY.

OH, GOD, I JUST CAN'T KEEP THINKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW,

WHAT IF, GOD FORBID, SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO US?

NO. NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA DIE. WE COOK EVERYTHING IN OLIVE OIL.

OH, I KNOW, BUT STILL, YOU KNOW,

IT'S GOOD WE HAVE OUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER. NO. NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT OUR KIDS WOULD HAVE

A LOVING HOME WITH MY SISTER AND ERIC. YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD CALL THEM.

I WONDER IF THEY REINFORCED THOSE HANDRAILS

AFTER OUR SECOND INSPECTION. WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT, BECAUSE SHE IS RELOCATING

ON A DIPLOMATIC ASSIGNMENT TO PAKISTAN.

MM. PAKISTAN?

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT

THE LEGAL GUARDIAN FOR OUR CHILDREN IS MOVING TO PAKISTAN.

SWEETHEART, SHE'S JUST THERE UNTIL THE GOVERNMENT STABILIZES

OR--OR SPLINTERS APART,

AND BESIDES, THEY'RE GIVING HER A BULLETPROOF ASSAULT VEHICLE,

SO... SO...

OH, DEAR GOD. WHAT HAVE I DONE?

OKAY, DON'T PANIC.

WE ARE JUST GONNA GO DOWN THE LINE OF SUCCESSION. OHH.

NEXT UP ARE MY PARENTS. NO. YOUR HAD HAS BEEN HITTIN' THE GLAUCOMA MEDICINE

PRETTY HARD.

I MEAN, SURE, IT'S HELPED HIS POETRY, BUT-- NEXT.

OH, WHAT ABOUT MY COUSIN MICHELLE?

MICHELLE OBAMA IS NOT YOUR COUSIN.

SHE IS MY COUSIN. YOU JUST--YOU HAVE TO GO, LIKE, FAR, FAR BACK.

YOU CUT THIS OUT OF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE. THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

THAT'S SAD. OKAY, THAT LEAVES US WITH, UM, WELL, JANE.

I THINK WE SHOULD REVISIT MICHELLE. JANE COULD DO IT.

NO. OKAY? SHE JUST--SHE-- SHE HAS NO PARENTING SYSTEM.

SHE'S A COMPLETE MESS. HEY, THAT'S MY SISTER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M QUOTING YOU, OKAY? (scoffs)

WHEN YOU CAME HOME, EMILY, YOU SAT RIGHT HERE.

YOU SAID, "DINNER SMELLS GOOD,

AND MY SISTER'S A COMPLETE MESS." SHE MIGHT BE A LITTLE ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES,

BUT I COULD GET HER IN SHAPE. LOOK, I KNOW THAT YOU--YOU LOVE YOUR MAKEOVER SHOWS, BABY.

LOOK AT THIS HOUSE. IT'S GORGEOUS. YOUR SISTER IS NOT LIKE ME.

SHE'S NOT GONNA LET YOU MOLD HER. SHE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW. I CAN CHANGE HER

IN A WONDERFULLY PASSIVE YET AGGRESSIVE WAY.

AND YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA WORK? ARE YOU STILL LEFT-HANDED?

SOPHIE, NO!

WAFFLES, BREAKFAST!

ANNIE, YOUR BACON'S GETTING COLD!

MMM. NEVER MIND!

KNOCK, KNOCK. LOOK WHO BROUGHT A GIFT BASKET AND ALMOST TRIPPED

OVER ALL THAT STUFF YOU HAD STACKED OUT THERE? SO...

I HOPE IT'S ONE OF THOSE WINE BASKETS. BRING IT ON.

WHAT TIME IS IT? NO WINE. NOTHING THAT WOULD IMPAIR JUDGMENT.

UM, JASON JUST GOT THIS BASKET AT WORK,

AND WE DON'T WANT IT, SO... YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF

WHY WE DON'T WANT IT-- OOH, MUFFINS! LOOKS LIKE THIS HUGE ONE GAVE BIRTH,

AND THESE ARE ALL ITS LITTLE BABIES. WELL, THEY'RE HIGH IN FIBER, SO...

(mouth full) WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT MUFFINS... YEAH?

IS THEY'RE JUST LIKE CUPCAKES, BUT YOU EAT 'EM IN THE MORNING,

SO YOU'RE NOT EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT. OKAY, LET'S GET OFF THE MUFFINS, 'CAUSE LOOK AT ALL THE OTHER

USEFUL HOUSEHOLD ITEMS WE HAVE IN HERE. OH, WHAT IS THIS?

WE'VE GOT SOME TAPENADE AND, UH, A RADON DETECTOR.

COOL. AND WHAT'S THIS? OH, IT LOOKS LIKE A VOUCHER

FOR A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM. WHO IS THIS GIFT BASKET FROM?

APPARENTLY, SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS FINE FOODS

AND A SAFE HOME ENVIRONMENT.

"3-2-1 HOME SECURITY SYSTEMS."

THAT WOULD BE A GOOD PASSWORD--3-2-1.

YEAH. OH, AND LOOK AT THIS. WHAT IS THIS?

OOH, A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR AN ORGANIC COOKING CLASS.

HEY, JANE, WHAT IF WE WENT TOGETHER?

YOU KNOW, WE COULD LEARN HOW TO FEED OUR KIDS

IN A HEALTHY YET DELICIOUS WAY. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. I COULD ADD A FEW THINGS TO MY REPERTOIRE.

OH. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A REPERTOIRE.

WELL, I MAKE A VERY LIGHT AND FLUFFY FISH STICK

AND A COUPLE OF VARIATIONS ON A HOT DOG.

HMM. THIS IS THE LIFE, HUH?

FRESH AIR, SUNSHINE, A PLACE TO SET YOUR DRINK.

THANKS, AUNT B.

YEAH. I'D HATE TO BE VINCENT CALDWELL III THOUGH,

RIGHT? BY THE TOILETS.

THAT'S A TOMB, BUDDY. OOPS.

WOW.

I GOTTA SAY, YOU MISSED A BEAUTIFUL FUNERAL.

OH, YEAH? WHAT HAPPENED?

WHEN THEY KICKED IN TO "HIGHWAY TO HELL"

ON THE BAGPIPES, EVEN I GOT A LITTLE CHOKED UP. YEAH, THAT'S CLASSY.

YEAH, FUNERALS ARE WASTED ON THE DEAD.

NO OFFENSE, EVERYBODY!

(chuckles) OKAY.

I'M ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU, BUDDY.

I'M HAVING MY FUNERAL NOW, WHILE I'M ALIVE AND AWESOME.

LIKE A LIVING WAKE?

NO, NOT A LIVING WAKE. THAT SOUNDS SO CORPORATE.

IT'S MORE LIKE A FUN, NON-DEATH FUNERAL PARTY

TO CELEBRATE ME, SEE WHAT EVERYBODY'S GONNA SAY ABOUT ME

AND HOW MUCH THEY'RE GONNA CRY AND STUFF. THAT'S COOL.

(laughs) SO COOL. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA KEEP IT VERY INTIMATE.

I'M ONLY INVITING THE INNER CIRCLE. HEY, WATCH OUT. THERE'S A BEE OVER THERE.

(bee buzzing) HORATIO--A BEE?

AUNT B.?

HUH? OH, MY GOD. IT'S A SIGN.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT IT IS.

(buzzing continues)

AAH! AAH! SHE STUNG ME!

(laughs)

CLASSIC, AUNT B.!

YOU DID IT AGAIN, LADY! WHERE DID SHE GO? AAH!

AND WE'RE JUST GONNA DO A LITTLE SPRINKLE

OF ORGANIC, LOCALLY GROWN TOMATOES

AND A DOLLOP OF MUNG BEAN PUREE,

AND THEN YOUR BEAN CURD TACOS ARE GOOD TO GO.

LOOK AT US, JANE, LEARNING TO COOK

HEALTHY FOOD FOR THE KIDS.

DOESN'T THIS LOOK GOOD? UGH! IT SMELLS LIKE SOCKS.

BUT SOCKS THAT ARE GOOD FOR YOU, RIGHT?

NOT PROCESSED.

YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYTHING IN THE DRIVE-THRU MENU

IS BAD FOR YOU. I'VE BEEN GETTING MY CHEESEBURGERS

WITHOUT CHEESE LATELY, AND IT REALLY MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

TRY SOME OF MY DELICIOUS MOCK-AMOLE.

UGH. THAT LOOKS LIKE THE GRAVY SUBSTANCE

MOM USED TO PUT ON EVERYTHING.

PUT SOME OF THIS IN. ARE YOU HOARDING CONDIMENTS IN YOUR PURSE?

THIS IS MY TRAVEL SALT. YOU CAN'T SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A REAL THING.

TRAVEL SALT IS NOT A THING. JUST TASTE IT AND TELL ME IF IT NEEDS SOMETHING.

(gags) TASTES LIKE AN OLD ANIMAL DIED IN MY MOUTH! (chuckles)

LADIES?

IT'S LEARNING TIME, OKAY?

PLEASE DON'T PUT THIS ON MY PERMANENT RECORD.

OKAY, HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW TRY IT.

OKAY.

(chuckles)

MMM. IT'S INTERESTING.

THE ANIMAL IS GONE, BUT IT'S REPLACED WITH--

SALT. YES. THAT'S HOW I GOT THROUGH EVERY MEAL

THAT WE HAD AS A CHILD. I USED TO SPIT MY FOOD INTO THE NAPKINS,

AND THEN SECRETLY HAND-WASH AND IRON THEM

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT SO MOM DIDN'T KNOW. (laughs)

MOM USED TO ALWAYS YELL AT ME FOR EVERYTHING, YOU REMEMBER?

"JANE! QUIT DRESSING LIKE A TRAMP!" (laughs)

SHE USED TO YELL AT ME, "EMILY! LOOK AT YOUR SISTER JANE!

DON'T DRESS LIKE THAT!"

(both laughing)

LADIES, IS THERE SOMETHING FUNNY OVER HERE?

NO. NO.

(lowers voice) JUST YOUR VOICE AND YOUR WEIRD TUNIC. (laughs) (laughs)

HEY, I HEARD THAT...

AND IT HURTS. (whispers) OH, SORRY.

(whispers) SORRY.

(snorts)

(laughs)

(normal voice) I'M WEARING A TUNIC.

THAT'S MY SIGNATURE LOOK. IS IT--IS IT WEIRD? (normal voice) YES.

THAT COOKING CLASS WAS SO MUCH FUN.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN KICKED OUT OF A CLASS BEFORE.

SUCH A NOVELTY NOT TO BE THE TEACHER'S FAVORITE. AH, THAT LADY NEEDS A CORN DOG. DON'T WE ALL?

(laughs) WELL, WE COULD DO ANOTHER CLASS. OOH, HOW ABOUT HIP-HOP ABS?

OOH. OR CHILD PSYCHOLOGY.

(British male voice) FRONT DOOR OPEN.

DID YOU GET A BUTLER?

SOUNDS LIKE... (British accent) JAMES BOND. (Emily chuckles)

(normal voice) OH, MY GOD.

HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF JAMES BOND WAS OUR NEIGHBOR? OH, MY GOD. SO MUCH COOLER.

(Syd) YEAH. THAT IS MY NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.

I KNOW, HE'S SEXY, ISN'T HE? AND BRITISH,

AND VERY WORRIED ABOUT INTRUDERS. (chuckles) SOMEBODY GOT A LITTLE CRUSH?

IS IT BAD IF I DO? JUST DON'T GET YOUR HEART BROKEN.

OKAY, GALS, DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS A HEARSE I COULD BORROW?

WHAT? NO. MNH-MNH.

HOW ABOUT A LECTERN? OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

SNAP.

OOH. WHAT? OKAY...

"ROSEMARY SWANSON-- A LIFE REMEMBERED."

WHAT--WHAT IS THIS? IT'S--IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. IT'S JUST A LITTLE, UM,

YOU KNOW, OLD-SCHOOL... ♪ FUNERAL STYLE ♪

PARTY I'M THROWING FOR MYSELF.

I'M CALLING IT "THE LIVING END."

WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST. I'M IN.

I'LL PICK YOU UP. WE'LL GO TOGETHER. OKAY.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.

UM, YOU'RE NOT INVITED. IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS FOR THE INNER CIRCLE,

PEOPLE THAT KNEW ME FROM WAY BACK, BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW ME--

BACK WHEN I USED TO BE WEIRD AND ECCENTRIC

AND DO CRAZY STUFF ALL THE TIME.

DON'T GET YOUR FEELINGS HURT, PLEASE.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY ON THE OUTER PART OF THE INNER CIRCLE. I'M NOT INVITED EITHER.

IT KINDA SUCKS, 'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE, LIKE,

THIS REALLY SWEET 7-FOOT SUB SANDWICH THERE.

WHICH REMINDS ME, MOM, CAN I PLEASE COME? NO. OH, MY GOSH.

HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO COME. HE'S A MINOR,

AND THERE'S GONNA BE MUD WRESTLING.

I AM GLAD I AM ON THE OUTER EDGE OF THE CIRCLE. (laughs) (laughs)

WHAT IS THIS UNPLEASANTNESS I'M WITNESSING OVER HERE?

ARE YOU TWO GETTING ALONG?

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME PITTING YOU TWO AGAINST EACH OTHER,

AND THEN I STAND BACK AND WATCH THE FUR FLY.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN FOR ME. OH, I'M SORRY TO RUIN YOUR FUN, ROSEMARY.

(laughs) THE ZINGERS THIS ONE COMES UP WITH!

OKAY, NOW I'M JUST GETTING GROSSED OUT.

I GOTTA GO MAIL THESE. FRONT DOOR CLOSING.

I BET HE SOUNDS CHARMING EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BEING ROBBED.

(both laugh)

UH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OOH, I KNOW I WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT--WINETASTING. MM-HMM.

OR WE COULD DO LINE DANCING. THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN. MM.

"MAKE YOUR OWN JAM"! OOH. DELISH.

OH, WAIT. YOU WANTED TO DO THE, UH, CHILD PSYCHOLOGY THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? CHILD PSYCH CAN WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE DO THE FUN STUFF?

OKAY. SO THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST JAM ON IT.

(laughs) WHAT? THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMIN'.

(tires screech)

UGH. ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH. YEAH, ROSEMARY, I HAVE THE SANDWICH.

YEAH, THERE'S A TON OF TRAFFIC OUT HERE, THOUGH.

IT'S LIKE A PARKING LOT. ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

HEY, BABE. HEY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M SORRY, I WAS HAVING ANOTHER TRAINING SESSION WITH JANE.

REALLY? 'CAUSE THIS LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN SHOPPING.

WELL, I WAS TRAINING HER TO SHOP FOR THE KIDS.

REALLY? WHAT'S THAT? AND THERE WERE SOME SALES AT SOME OF MY SHOPS,

SO FOR THE ECONOMY, I THOUGHT I SHOULD, YOU KNOW... (laughs)

GIVE BACK TO IT. EMILY, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU TWO?

LAST WEEK YOU WERE, UH, YOU WERE LASER TAGGING.

THE YOU WENT GO-KARTING. YOU WENT BELLY DANCING.

I MEAN, HOW'S THIS GONNA HELP JANE WITH HER PARENTING? SHE'S BECOMING A MORE WELL-ROUNDED PARENT, YOU KNOW?

MM. TEACHING HER DRIVING SKILLS AND HAND/EYE COORDINATION...

UH-HUH. AND AVOIDING... LASERS. WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN, BABY, OKAY?

YEAH? YOU'RE HAVING FUN? YEAH. MWAH.

MWAH. IT'S TIME TO EAT. I HAD TO IMPROVISE.

SO I CURRIED A LITTLE QUINOA, DID SOME SALMON

AND SOME ROASTED ROOT VEGETABLES.

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN? OH, THEY'RE SPENDING THE NIGHT AT JANE'S.

(clatter)

ARE YOU INSANE?

WHAT? THEY'LL BE FINE! JANE'S FUNNY.

NO, NO. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR COMPASS, EMILY?

I MEAN, WHERE'S MY-- MY OVERPROTECTIVE, SCARED,

JUDGY, VIGILANT SUPER MOM? WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S RIGHT HERE, OKAY? BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY,

BECAUSE JANE IS DOING GREAT. ON THE DRIVE HOME,

SHE STOPPED AT EVERY STOP SIGN. I THINK WE SHOULD BRING TEDDY OVER THERE.

I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO BRING TEDDY. I THINK WE NEED--NO, I--

I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO BRING TEDDY. I TOTALLY THINK WE NEED TO BRING TEDDY.

OKAY, FINE, LET'S BRING TEDDY. LET'S BRING TEDDY.

GREAT. PACK YOUR BAGS, TED.

IT'S ALIVE!

WHA--HORATIO, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

WHERE'S THE INNER CIRCLE? EVERYBODY THOUGHT THIS WAS REALLY WEIRD

AND DIDN'T WANT TO COME. THEY DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO A FAKE FUNERAL?

OKAY, THAT'S INSANE. AND WHEN THEY FOUND OUT YOU WERE ALIVE,

IT KIND OF TOOK THE AIR OUT OF THINGS.

AND A FEW OF 'EM GOT MAD. THEY SAID YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH

FOR THREE YEARS ONCE? IT WAS FOR TAX PURPOSES. I WAS ON THE LAM.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR EVERYBODY TO UNDERSTAND?

IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

THIS IS COLD, HORATIO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE NOBODY CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU

TO WANT TO CELEBRATE YOUR DEATH

EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE ALIVE AND HEALTHY? NO.

WELL, IT'S A LONELY PLACE, MY FRIEND.

OH, HEY, ROSEMARY, CHEER UP. SOMEONE SHOWED UP.

WHAT?

MR. 7-FOOT SUB. (chuckles nervously)

BROUGHAM, I HAVE DATED, LIKE, NINE PRO BASKETBALL PLAYERS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'. THAT IS NOT 7 FEET.

IT'S TOTALLY 7 FEET. IS IT?

I-I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC AND GOT REALLY HUNGRY.

I ATE A FOOT AND A HALF OF IT, OKAY? I'M SORRY.

KNOCK, KNOCK. UH, THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED.

(chuckles) HEY, SISTER-IN-LAW,

WE JUST WANTED TO BRING OVER A FEW THINGS. YEAH, WE JUST GOT THEIR PAJAMAS AND SOME, UH,

HYPOALLERGENIC PILLOWS, AND BILL NEEDS HIS TEDDY BEAR.

I DON'T HAVE A TEDDY BEAR. OH, THAT'S CUTE. HE'S EMBARRASSED. SO...

YEAH, YEAH. OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU PUT UP-- UP ON THE SHELF, DADDY?

SURE. OKAY. CLEAR VIEW OF ALL THE ACTION. YEAH.

OKAY, WOW. THIS IS SO GREAT. I DIDN'T THINK YOU TRUSTED ME

SINCE THE GUM INCIDENT, WHEN I HAD TO SHAVE ESTHER'S HEAD.

PLEASE, I'VE TOTALLY FORGOTTEN

ABOUT THAT HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DAY.

GREAT. 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE WE'VE GOTTEN A LOT CLOSER

IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS. WE FINALLY HAVE

THAT SISTER RELATIONSHIP I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE.

I'M NOT EVEN SCREENING YOUR CALLS ANYMORE. (chuckles) (chuckles) OKAY, WELL, WE BETTER GET GOING.

OH, DADDY LOVES YOU GUYS SO VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH.

OKAY, DADDY, TIME TO GO. OKAY. MWAH! MWAH! (whispers) I LOVE YOU.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON. LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

BYE, GUYS. HAVE FUN!

LET'S PARTY!

WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT? NO PARTIES. NO PARTY. OKAY, BYE.

I FEEL SO HORRIBLE ABOUT DOING THIS.

BABY, WE ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN. OKAY. COME ON, TEDDY.

TELL US YOUR SECRETS.

(Jane) STORY TIME. HERE WE GO.

I THINK SHE'S DOING A GOOD JOB WITH STORY TIME.

"'E' IS FOR ELEPHANT." (deep voice) GIVE ME A PEANUT!

IS THAT AN ELEPHANT, OR IS IT LOUIS ARMSTRONG?

SHE'S NOT EVEN DOING-- GIVE HER A BREAK.

SHE'S DOING BETTER THAN WE THOUGHT. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

ANNIE, I RAN OUT OF DIAPERS.

COULD YOU BRING ME SOME PAPER TOWELS AND TAPE? OKAY, LET'S GET IN THERE.

LET IT GO. THAT ONE'S NOT OURS.

I'M TIRED OF BOOKS. OKAY.

ME, TOO. YOU GUYS WANT TO WATCH TV?

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'S GONE OFF THE RAILS. IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY,

PLEASE SAY IT'S PUBLIC TELEVISION. IT'S SOPHIE'S FAVORITE SHOW--

"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."

NO! NO! NO! NO!

BACK DOOR OPEN. TURN IT OFF. WHAT'S THIS CODE?

WHAT'S GOING ON? UH, IT'S 3-2-1. YOU ACTUALLY USE THAT?

WELL, IT'S HARD TO FORGET WHEN IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SIGN.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN JUST TOOK A FRISBEE

IN THE NUTS ON YOUR TELEVISION, JANE.

WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT? EVERYTHING. WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU SPYING ON ME THROUGH THE WINDOW? NO. I WAS SPYING ON YOU WITH THIS.

A NANNY CAM? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. WE JUST DON'T TRUST YOU.

OKAY, THANKS. LET ME EXPLAIN. IT'S FOR A GOOD REASON.

IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO US,

WE WOULD WANT YOU TO BE THE LEGAL GUARDIAN

OF OUR CHILDREN. AREN'T I ALREADY?

OH, MY GOD. SO THE GIFT BASKET AND THE SECURITY SYSTEM

AND THE COOKING CLASSES...

YOU WERE TESTING ME.

TECHNICALLY, I WAS TRAINING YOU--AT--AT FIRST.

BUT THEN ALL THAT WENT AWAY, AND IT WAS, YOU KNOW,

ME AND MY SISTER HAVIN' FUN. YAY. ISN'T THAT SWEET? GET OUT.

(sighs)

(sobbing) I WROTE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHIN'. YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

I DON'T CARE.

WELL, I WORKED ON IT ALL NIGHT, SO I'M GONNA READ IT. WHATEVER.

"ROSEMARY SWANSON IS MY FRIEND.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT HER IN MY LIFE. (continues sobbing)

"SHE'S A STAR THAT BURNS BRIGHT, FURIOUS AND FAST.

"A LOT OF PEOPLE FIND HER SCARY--

MAILMEN, YOUNG CHILDREN, DOGS, CATS..." OKAY, I GOT IT.

"BUT I DON'T FIND HER SCARY. I FIND HER EXCITING.

"THEY SAY OUR HOME IS IN HEAVEN, AND WE'RE ONLY HERE ON VACATION.

"BEING WITH ROSEMARY IS LIKE ORLANDO, CABO SAN LUCAS

"AND CATALINA ISLANDS ALL WRAPPED UP

INTO THE VACATION OF A LIFETIME."

GET ON ME.

OKAY, SO I THINK I LEFT A MESSAGE FOR MY SISTER

AT THE EMBASSY, BUT URDU IS A VERY STRANGE LANGUAGE.

IT'S LIKE EVERY WORD HAS A DIFFERENT MEANING.

I GUESS WE SHOULD START GETTING THE KIDS READY

FOR A POSSIBLE PAKISTANI LIFE.

MM.

WELL, AT LEAST BILL WILL LOOK HANDSOME

IN A TINY SHALWAR QAMEEZ. HEY, BILL, THIS IS A SHALWAR QAMEEZ.

YES, THE NATIVE DRESS IN PAKISTAN. COME HERE.

(Emily) MOMMY WILL TIE THAT FOR YOU.

HONEY, WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO DO THAT?

FRONT DOOR OPEN. WHAT?

I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING. WHAT? ANOTHER SECURITY SYSTEM I CAN'T TURN OFF?

PARDON ME. THE FRONT DOOR IS STILL OPEN. NO, NO, NO. LOOK, IT'S BILL'S SHOE. HE TIED IT TODAY.

HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT BEFORE HE CAME HERE.

HE SAID YOU TAUGHT HIM. WELL, WHAT, DID I DO IT WRONG?

NO, JANE. LISTEN, I AM SO SORRY THAT I DIDN'T TRUST YOU.

OKAY? EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLE,

AND JUST BECAUSE YOURS IS NOT LIKE MINE,

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT'S WRONG.

AND THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT MY KIDS LOVE YOU,

AND YOU LOVE THEM. DID YOU READ THAT SOMEWHERE?

YES. BUT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS

IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO US,

WOULD YOU PLEASE BE THE GUARDIAN OF OUR CHILDREN?

OF COURSE I WOULD.

OH, HON, THANK YOU. IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER WITHOUT YOU AROUND.

BACK DOOR OPEN.

OH, GET A ROOM, PEOPLE!

(sighs) WELL, TURNS OUT I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU COME

TO MY LIVING END DEATH BASH AFTER ALL.

I GOT ICED BY MY INNER CIRCLE.

OHH. BUT I REALIZED SOMETHING.

I REALIZED THAT YOU TWO NERDY BLONDE SISTERS

ARE MY REAL FRIENDS. YOU'RE THE ONES I CAN TURN TO

IF I--IF I NEED A DIRTY THONG, FOR EXAMPLE.

YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE.

YEAH. WOW. I GUESS THE INNER CIRCLE IS OUT,

AND THE OUTER CIRCLE IS IN. GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.

AW. OH! COME ON. RIGHT NOW.

ROSEMARY. OKAY. GUYS.

I FEEL KIND OF SAD. SO NO ONE SHOWED UP? NOT EVEN A SOUL?

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL GHOST TOWN. (laughs) (laughs)

IS THIS STILL HAPPENING? REALLY? 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT.

WE HAD A FIGHT EARLIER. YOU JUST MISSED IT. YEAH.

OH, REALLY? WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?

WELL, EMILY COMPLETELY VIOLATED MY TRUST,

SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY-- THAT WAS BEFORE YOU VIOLATED EVERYTHING I STAND FOR, SO...

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED. I THINK THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.

WE CAN CHECK THE TAPE ON THAT. THERE THEY ARE! THEY'RE BACK!

OKAY, GREAT. ALL RIGHT, WE WILL. THESE ARE THE SISTERS THAT I LOVE.