Original subtitles

OKAY, ANNIE, READY FOR A FUN WEEK WITH YOUR DAD?

OH. HEY, WAIT A SECOND. UH, THIS FEELS EMPTY. YOU AND DAD JUST GOT SEPARATED,

AND HE'S GONNA TRY AND BUY MY LOVE,

AND I'M GONNA NEED SOMETHING TO CARRY IT IN.

OH, THAT'S GOOD THINKING, KID. GO FOR HIGH-END ELECTRONICS.

AND IF YOU RUN OUT OF STUFF YOU WANT, GET ME A KINDLE.

I'M SICK OF FLIPPIN' PAGES LIKE A SCHMUCK.

HERE YOU GO. I LOVE YOU. LOVE YA.

ALL RIGHT. UH, NO "R"-RATED MOVIES THIS TIME.

IF ARMS COME OFF OR TOPS COME OFF,

I DON'T WANT YOU WATCHING IT.

(door closes) DIVORCE IS SO SAD, YOU KNOW?

I'M GUESSING.

HAPPILY MARRIED, GUILTY AS CHARGED.

SOPHIE'S ASLEEP. ACTUALLY, SHE'S BEEN ASLEEP FOR A WHILE.

I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF AFTER I READ HER "THE GIVING TREE."

I HOPE SOMEDAY I FIND A PLANT

THAT'LL SHOW ME THAT KIND OF LOVE.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT A WEEK. GOOD LUCK.

JANE. JANE, SO, UM, ARE YOU STILL PAYING HORATIO

SINCE YOU'RE MAKING HIM TAKE THIS VACATION?

YEAH, HALF PAY. IT'S WHAT WE USUALLY DO.

YEAH... HALF PAY. THAT'S INTERESTING.

SO I GUESS ON HIS WEEK OFF, HE COULD GO OUT TO HALF A MOVIE

AND THEN GO BACK HOME AND PAY HALF HIS UTILITY BILL.

THAT'S-- YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY FAIR.

I ACTUALLY SEND MY MAILMAN A MUFFIN BASKET

EVERY DAY HE'S ON VACATION. (Jane) OKAY, FINE.

FULL PAY.

THANK YOU. IT'S NOT MUFFINS, BUT...

THANK YOU, ROSEMARY.

YEAH. IT'S A TACTIC I LEARNED WHEN I WAS AN ORGANIZER

FOR THE MUSICIANS' UNION BACK IN THE '80s.

THAT, AND HOW TO BOOST A ROADIE'S SELF-ESTEEM.

OKAY, GOOD-BYE. LET'S GO.

OH, DON'T FORGET TO FEED THE BABY.

SHE NEEDS FOOD TO GROW. THANK YOU.

(door closes) I HAVE NO WORK FOR A WEEK.

50% LESS KIDS.

SPRING BREAK HAS BEGUN, BITCHES!

WHOO! WHOO!

(baby crying)

I WOULDN'T TAKE THAT TOP OFF JUST YET.

♪♪

(child laughs)

(Rosemary) OH, GOSH, YEAH.

WELL, MY BEST VACATION WAS DEFINITELY NEW ORLEANS.

OH, MY GOD. I FLASHED SO MANY GUYS.

YOU KNOW, SOME TIME I WANNA GO THERE DURING MARDI GRAS.

I JUST WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME BONDING WITH SOPHIE. MM-HMM.

FULL-TIME, MOM STYLE.

OOH, I BET I'LL EVEN BE ABLE TO GET IN SOME "ME" TIME.

(chuckles) MAYBE I'LL WATCH ALL THE EPISODES OF "LOST."

I'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW, BUT PEOPLE AT WORK

SEEM TO REALLY LIKE IT. I'VE LEARNED TO JUST NOD

AND SAY, "WHAT IS UP WITH THAT ISLAND?"

(laughs) THAT'S GOOD. WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, NOTHING. I WAS JUST, UM, TEXTING WITH SOME

OF THE OTHER STAY-AT-HOME MOMS ABOUT YOUR "ME TIME" FANTASY.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW I HAVE THE SUPPORT OF MY SISTER.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE TAKEN CARE OF KIDS WITHOUT A NANNY BEFORE.

WELL, SURE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT WAS BEFORE YOUR DIVORCE.

I MEAN, YOU HAD A HUSBAND TO HELP OUT.

OH, PLEASE, HE BARELY HELPED MAKE THE KIDS.

I FEEL LIKE I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB

RAISING SYD ON MY OWN.

OF COURSE, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

TV DID PICK UP A LOT OF THE SLACK. SO WHAT KIND OF EDUCATIONAL VACATION

HAVE YOU AND JASON PLANNED FOR THE FAMILY?

YOU GUYS GONNA LEARN HOW TO MAKE CHEESE WITH SOME MONKS?

(laughs) (Rosemary laughs)

NOT AGAIN, NO. NO.

THIS YEAR, WE'RE, UM, TAKING A "STAYCATION."

YOU DON'T GO ANYWHERE. YOU JUST EXPLORE YOUR HOMETOWN.

WELL, WITH THE ECONOMY THE WAY IT IS, YOU KNOW,

I FEEL LIKE A STAYCATION IS REALLY THE ONLY

RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO. PLUS, I THINK IT'S GONNA

BRING US CLOSER TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.

SO, KIDS, I'VE MADE US A GUIDEBOOK TO OUR HOUSE.

OKAY, SO, FOR INSTANCE, IT SAYS HERE

YOU CAN CHECK OUT THE WORK

OF LOCAL ARTISTS ON THE REFRIGERATOR.

(chuckles) OKAY, SO LET'S EACH READ IT,

AND THEN WE CAN PICK A PLACE WE WANNA GO.

I PICK DENVER. YOU CAN'T PICK DENVER, BECAUSE IT'S A STAYCATION.

STAY HERE.

I WISH I COULD BE AT SCHOOL.

CAN I GO TO MY ROOM? YES, GO TO YOUR ROOMS.

(Jason) YEAH. GO TO YOUR ROOMS AND-- AND EXPLORE THEM

AS IF YOU'RE SEEING THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME.

YOU KNOW, IT SAYS HERE THEY WERE ECLECTICALLY DESIGNED

TO REFLECT THE PERSONALITY OF THE OCCUPANTS!

OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY'LL BE FINE. FINE.

YEAH. THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT

WHEN WE SWITCHED TO RICE MILK, EITHER... MNH-MNH.

BUT, YOU KNOW, EVENTUALLY,

THEY FORGOT WHAT THE GOOD STUFF TASTES LIKE.

YEAH. TAKE THAT, REAL MILK. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT...

LET'S SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

(Horatio) ♪ THERE'S SNAKES ON A MOUNTAIN ♪

♪ AND EELS IN THE SEA ♪

♪ 'TWAS A REDHEADED WOMAN MADE A WRECK OUT OF ME ♪

(Jane) HELLO?

HI, HONEY. (coos)

HEY.

IS SOMEBODY IN THERE?

HORATIO.

CAN YOU SEE ME? OF COURSE I CAN SEE YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? (toy squeaks)

I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD TAKE CARE OF HER BY YOURSELF.

(groans)

(squeaks)

HA! YOU THINK I'M A BAD MOM.

NO, LOOK, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE AT WORK ALL THE TIME.

YOU DON'T BATHE HER. YOU RARELY FEED HER.

AND IN FACT, TO BE HONEST, YOU DON'T HAVE THE VOCAL RANGE

TO PULL OFF SOME OF HER FAVORITE SONGS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE LOVES MY SINGING.

(off-key) ♪ I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT ♪

JANE, LET'S NOT MAKE THIS WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS.

LOOK, HORATIO, I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL,

BUT I DON'T NEED YOU. FINE. I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

BUT JUST IN CASE, I LEFT YOU SOME POINTERS

ON THESE Post-it NOTES, OKAY?

HER STUFFED BUNNY'S CALLED "BUNNY."

HERE'S A GREAT RECIPE FOR MASHED BANANAS.

UH, THIS IS HER FAVORITE BURPING POSITION.

AND I LEFT YOU A LITTLE NOTE ON THE COOKIE JAR.

"BABIES DON'T EAT COOKIES YET."

GET OUT.

FINE. AT LEAST LET ME CHANGE HER PAJAMAS.

YOU GOT HER IN DUCK TOP AND PENGUIN BOTTOMS.

I MEAN, THOSE ARE NATURAL ENEMIES IN THE WILD.

SHE'S GONNA BE CONFUSED. I'M HER MOM. I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR OR SEE YOU FOR A WEEK.

GET OUT AND TAKE THE TRASH WITH YOU.

THANK YOU.

FINE.

(off-key) ♪ HERE IS MY HANDLE ♪

♪ HERE IS MY SPOUT ♪

NAILED IT. NO, YOU DIDN'T.

LEAVE!

I REALLY THINK

DORA THE EXPLORER'S JUMPED THE SHARK, YOU KNOW? YEAH.

I MEAN, WITH THAT WHOLE ICE PRINCESS THING?

COME ON. IT'S NOT EVEN GROUNDED ANYMORE.

HEY, JERK. OH. HEY, ROSEMARY.

HEY. HEY, GUYS, THIS IS ROSEMARY.

OH. THE WOMAN I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

ROSEMARY, THESE ARE MY NANNY FRIENDS--

DORIS, EUGENIA AND ABBY. HEY, GALS.

YOU ARE THE WOMAN WHO GOT HORATIO A PAID VACATION. (Rosemary) COME ON, IT WAS NOTHING.

JUST KNOCKED SOME HEADS TOGETHER AND MADE IT HAPPEN.

MY FAMILY DOESN'T PAY FOR MY GAS WHEN I DRIVE THE KIDS AROUND.

THE FAMILY I WORK FOR SAYS WE HAVE TO SHOO AWAY COYOTES.

NO HEALTH INSURANCE. I NEED NEW TEETH.

YES, YOU DO.

CAN YOU HELP US?

(sighs)

NO.

BUT I CAN HELP YOU TO HELP YOURSELVES.

LISTEN, GIVE A NANNY A BOTTLE, SHE'LL WORK FOR A DAY.

BUT TEACH A NANNY TO BREAST-FEED,

AND THAT NANNY WILL WORK FOR A LIFETIME.

SO... YES, THEN?

YES. YES!

COME ON, LADIES. WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS GO ON STRIKE.

UNION! HUH? WHOO!

(women) WHOO! UNION!

(laughing)

EUGENIA. YEAH, LET'S, UM...

NO SMILING. JUST FOR THE COURSE OF THE STRIKE.

THAT'LL BE OUR POLICY.

NO, NO.

DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH. IT'S BEEN IN THE TOILET.

(ring)

HELLO?

HI, JANE. IT'S BLAIR. HOW'S THE VACATION?

IT'S GOOD. SOPHIE DID THE CUTEST-- YEAH, DON'T NEED ANOTHER DOG STORY.

HERE'S THE THING. I NEED YOU TO GO OVER THE PLANS

FOR THE ABBOT KINNEY PROJECT. WHAT? I'M NOT AT WORK.

EXACTLY. THAT WAY, YOU CAN REALLY FOCUS ON THIS

AND TURN THINGS AROUND FAST.

I'M SENDING OVER A MESSENGER WITH THE BLUEPRINTS.

LOVE OUR CHATS. BYE!

HEY, JIMMY, HOW'S THE BYPASS SURGERY?

'CAUSE THE COFFEE'S NOT MAKING ITSELF OVER HERE!

(beep)

NO, NO, THAT'S BEEN IN THE TOILET, TOO.

(Emily and Jason, off-key) ♪ YO NO SOY MARINERO ♪

OOH!

♪ YO NO SOY MARINERO ♪

♪ SOY CAPITáN ♪

♪ SOY CAPITáN, SOY CAPITáN ♪

HERE WE GO. BREAK IT DOWN. HERE WE GO.

(The Go-Go's' "Vacation" playing)

♪ VACATION, ALL I EVER WANTED ♪

♪ VACATION, HAD TO GET AWAY ♪

♪ VACATION, MEANT TO BE SPENT ALONE ♪

♪♪

(speaking inaudibly)

♪♪

♪ VACATION, ALL I EVER WANTED ♪

♪ VACATION, HAD TO GET AWAY ♪

OKAY, SO WE ARE GONNA DIG FOR FOSSILS AND ARROWHEADS. OKAY.

YEAH, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHO USED TO LIVE

ON THIS VERY GROUND. WASN'T IT A GAY COUPLE WITH A CHOW?

YES, IT WAS, BUT BEFORE THAT, IT WAS PRIMITIVE MAN.

THIS DIRT HAS A STORY TO TELL, SO...

TALK TO US, DIRT. (laughs)

MOMMY, IS THIS STAYCATION SOME KIND OF A PUNISHMENT?

NO, SWEETIE, IT'S NOT A PUNISHMENT.

IT'S A WAY FOR US TO SHOW THE WORLD

WHAT KIND OF FAMILY WE ARE. THE KIND OF FAMILY THAT DOESN'T LIKE TO HAVE FUN?

NO, THE KIND OF FAMILY THAT APPRECIATES THEIR OWN BACKYARD.

OKAY? NOW LESS TALKING, MORE DIGGING. LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

IS THIS THE SWEATER I MADE YOU FOR CHRISTMAS TWO YEARS AGO,

THE ONE THAT GOT "LOST" AT THE CLEANERS?

NO, MOMMY, THAT IS AN ANCIENT CHRISTMAS SWEATER...

(whispers) FROM THE DINOSAUR DAYS. I TOOK A KNITTING CLASS TO MAKE YOU THAT SWEATER

AND A MATCHING SCARF.

WELL, I WOULDN'T DIG OVER THERE, THEN.

ARE YOU GUYS GONNA GET A DIVORCE? (Jason and Emily) NO!

I FOUND DINOSAUR POOP! OH.

HEY, I FOUND THAT FIRST! NO, NO. OKAY, DROP--

NO. LET'S--OKAY, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, LET IT GO, LET IT GO.

DROP IT! STOP! STOP! JASON, WHAT ARE WE DOING? OKAY?

I'LL SAY IT. THIS STAYCATION IS A TOTAL DISASTER.

I KNOW THAT, OKAY? BUT I THINK WE JUST NEED

TO REMIND OURSELVES WHY WE DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WE START OVER, AND WE DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME.

OKAY, OR--AND JUST HEAR ME OUT HERE--

WE COULD GO TO HAWAII. I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU. I'M ALREADY PACKED.

(Esther) SO WE'RE GOING TO HAWAII? (Emily) YEAH.

YES, WE ARE. COME ON. LET'S WASH OUR HANDS FIRST, THOUGH.

(baby crying) SOPHIE...

HONEY, I HAVE WORK TO DO. I WILL BE THERE IN JUST A MINUTE. I--

AAH! (crying continues)

SUGAR!

(crying)

OKAY, I'M COMING.

♪ I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT ♪ (crying loudly)

HEY, HOW ABOUT TV? YOU WANNA WATCH TV?

BABIES LOVE TV.

WHERE IS THAT MOVIE?

(crying continues) AH. UGH...

THAT'S A LOT OF ZELLWEGER. I GOTTA GET OUT MORE.

FORGET THE MOVIE. I'LL ACT IT OUT.

I'LL ACT IT OUT. LOOK, YOU LOVE THIS.

(goofy voice) I'M A COW.

(crying) AND I LIKE TO WALK AROUND THE FARM.

(crying continues) (normal voice) ALL RIGHT, UM, OKAY.

YOU DON'T LIKE THE COW. UH, THE REMOTE CONTROL.

YOU WANT THAT BACK? (crying loudly)

UM... COOKIES! I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE COOKIES. (crying continues)

ALL RIGHT.

OH, MY GOD...

THE NOTES. (crying)

YES!

YOU STAY RIGHT THERE. I'M GONNA GO GET HORATIO'S NOTES.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SOPHIE!

(baby crying)

AH.

(bottles clink)

(clinking)

MAN, WE DRINK A LOT OF WINE.

YES!

(door slams)

CRAP.

(sighs) OH, CRAP.

CRAP!

IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

WAFFLES, STOP IT!

YOU'RE EATING THE SECOND FLOOR! BAD DOG!

SOPHIE, IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

MOMMY JUST LOCKED HERSELF OUT. MOMMY'S A GOOD MOMMY.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

WELL... OH! YES!

WHAT DID I THINK I WAS GONNA DO WITH THIS?

(sighs)

(groans)

ALL RIGHT.

OH.

OH. OKAY, HONEY.

MOMMY'S GONNA TRY SOMETHING.

ONE...

TWO... THREE!

AAH! (crash)

DID NOT STICK THE LANDING.

YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS GONNA WORK?

OF COURSE IT'LL WORK. IT'S A CLASSIC SICK-OUT.

NANNIES CALL IN SICK,

GIVE THE PARENTS A TASTE OF LIFE WITHOUT 'EM.

(chuckles) OH, THOSE POOR SAPS.

THEY'LL BE UP TO THEIR NECKS IN DIRTY DIAPERS BY NOON. (woman) DORIS!

DORIS! HEY! PLEASE COME BACK TO WORK.

THIS MORNING, THE BABY WOKE UP AT, LIKE, 6:00 A.M.

IS THAT NORMAL? UH... YES.

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT.

MAYBE A FLASHLIGHT FOR WHEN YOU GO COYOTE SHOOING.

SHE NEEDS ME. I SHOULD GO.

NO, DORIS, WE CAN'T LET THESE MOMMIES PEEL US AWAY

ONE AT A TIME. WE MUST DEAL WITH THEM AS A GROUP.

LET ME SAY IT THIS WAY-- ONE STICK ALONE IS WEAK.

BUT MANY STICKS, BUNDLED TOGETHER,

ALL IN THE SAME DIRECTION, ARE STRONG.

IS THAT FASCISM? YES. YES, IT IS FASCISM.

WE WILL COME TOGETHER TODAY AT THE TABLE--

THE PICNIC TABLE--

TO NEGOTIATE A CONTRACT FOR ALL OF US...

AFTER THE RALLY. BUT I KNOW WHAT WE'RE--

WE DO NOT SPEAK TO MOMMIES UNTIL AFTER THE RALLY. BUT CAN I--

AFTER THE RALLY. BUT I CAN HAVE--

AFTER THE RALLY. BUT WHAT--

AFTER... THE RALLY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, LADIES? (women chuckle)

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER! (women) WHOO!

I NEED NEW TEETH.

AND I NEED YOU TO GET NEW TEETH, EUGENIA.

THAT IS MY INSPIRATION.

(telephone rings)

(ring)

(beep) (Emily) HI, WE'RE NOT HOME, BUT WE CAN'T BE TOO FAR,

BECAUSE WE'RE ON A... (Emily and Jason) STAYCATION!

(speaking indistinctly) (Emily) IT'S NOT JUST FUN. IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

(beep) It's Jane. Call me as soon as you get this.

I need a spare key to my house.

SOPHIE, HONEY, I'M TRYING.

IS THAT A POLAR BEAR IN THE JUNGLE?

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT ISLAND?

OH.

YES.

MOMMY'S COMING, SOPHIE!

(glass shatters)

HIDE A KEY? COME ON!

(groans)

AAH!

COMING, SOPHIE!

(groans)

COME ON!

(groans)

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

(all chanting) WON'T CHANGE DIAPERS ANYMORE!

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! COME ON, MOMS, NEGOTIATE!

YES, WE... CAN.

ALL RIGHT, NANNIES! LISTEN UP!

I HEAR YOU! THE MOMMIES HEAR YOU!

AND PRETTY SOON, THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL HEAR YOU.

THIS STRUGGLE IS NOT ABOUT MONEY OR VACATION DAYS.

NO! IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE CARE

OF THIS CITY'S CHILDREN.

PEOPLE LIKE CONSUELA,

WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE MACARONI AND CHEESE LUMPY,

EXACTLY THE WAY LITTLE CAITLIN LIKES IT.

PEOPLE LIKE TANYA, WHO TAKES THREE BUSES TO GET TO HER JOB

WHERE 7-YEAR-OLD JOSHUA THINKS IT'S FUNNY TO HONK HER BOOBS.

AND PEOPLE LIKE THIS GUY RIGHT HERE--

HORATIO, WHO WORKS TIRELESSLY AT A JOB

THAT NO SELF-RESPECTING MAN WOULD EVER,

EVER, EVER,

EVER, EVER TAKE.

NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!

(all) NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!

NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!

(cell phone ringing) NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!

NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED! IT'S JANE!

NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED! I'LL HANDLE THIS.

NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED! TALK TO ME.

HORATIO, I NEED YOU!

WELL, HORATIO'S NOT AT YOUR BECK AND CALL ANYMORE.

HE'S ON STRIKE, BABY!

SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S GOTTEN HERSELF INTO A LITTLE BIT OF A PICKLE.

WHAT'S GOING ON? SHE'S LOCKED OUT, BABY INSIDE.

WHAT? BOTTOM LINE-- WE'VE GOT LEVERAGE.

I SAY WE HOLD OUT FOR FULL DENTAL AND DISNEYLAND TICKETS. I HAVE TO SAVE SOPHIE!

JANE, I'M COMING!

OH. YEAH...

I SHOULD PROBABLY GO, TOO. SHE IS MY FRIEND AND ALL.

PLUS, THAT MEGAPHONE IS A PAIN IN MY HOO-HA.

EUGENIA, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

BUT I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH SO GOOD.

NO, EUGENIA...

YOU NO SPEAK ENGLISH JUST FINE.

HANG TOUGH.

NO, WAFFLES. NO! GET AWAY!

(Horatio) JANE! HORATIO?

ARE YOU OKAY? MY SHOULDER'S STUCK.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, UH, I'M GONNA DISLOCATE YOUR SHOULDER.

IT'LL BE THE WORST PAIN YOU'VE EVER FELT,

BUT THEN YOU'LL PASS OUT, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. WAIT! WAIT!

WHY--WHY DON'T YOU JUST PULL FIRST? LET'S-- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY THAT.

OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE--READY? OKAY.

ONE! OW!

TWO! AAH!

THREE! OW!

YOU OKAY? YEAH.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE MY KEY. WHAT?

WAIT. I HAVE A HIDE A KEY. NO! I THREW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW.

OH, NO, I GOT A BUNCH OF 'EM HERE. SEE THE "K"?

THAT'S FOR "KEY." OKAY. WHAT?

HERE YOU GO. OKAY, HONEY, I'M COMING!

OH! SOPHIE, BABY!

OH, COME HERE, HONEY.

IT'S OKAY.

LOOK AT YOU! IT'S OKAY!

NOW YOU BURY THAT MEMORY DEEP, DEEP DOWN.

YOU STOPPED ON YOUR WAY TO PICK UP A SANDWICH? I KNOW, IT'S GOOD.

SAVE ME A BITE. SAVE ME A BITE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT.

I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. WELL, YOU KNOW, NO ONE CAN, REALLY.

YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I MESS UP. ONE TIME, I ACCIDENTALLY

PACKED THE WINE COOLER IN ANNIE'S LUNCH BOX.

YEAH, AND REMEMBER THAT ONE STORY ABOUT THE BABY

THAT GOT STUCK IN THAT ARCADE GAME--YOU KNOW,

WHERE YOU GRAB THE STUFFED ANIMAL WITH THE CLAW? YEAH.

THAT WAS YOUR BABY. IT TOOK ME ABOUT $20 WORTH OF QUARTERS

TO GET HER OUT. I LOST SYD ONCE...

IN A DICE GAME IN AN ALLEY IN NAPLES. THINGS HAPPEN.

I JUST--I DIDN'T THINK I'D FEEL SO OVERWHELMED.

AND THEN SHE STARTED CUTTING A TOOTH AND--

OH, YOU GOT THROUGH A NEW TOOTH? YEAH.

LAST TIME SHE HAD A TOOTH, I WAS SO EMOTIONAL,

I WENT ON, LIKE, A 3-DAY FOOD BENDER. REALLY?

HE DID. HE ACTUALLY ATE 19 FEET OF SALAMI.

YEAH. 19 FEET.

IT'S PRETTY HARD-CORE. YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH. I MEAN, IT WASN'T SUCH A BIG DEAL.

I PRETTY MUCH HANDLED IT. YOU SURE DID.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS? LOOK AT THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN THE MOMMY NATIONAL GUARD.

SHE'S TRAINING ON THE WEEKENDS,

BUT THEN WHEN WE NEED HER FULL-TIME, SHE'S GOOD TO GO. THANKS.

THANKS. HEY, CAN YOU HOLD HER FOR A SECOND? SURE, SURE.

I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM. SURE.

YAY, JANE! YOU DID IT! GREAT JOB! WHOO-HOO!

OKAY, SHE ALREADY HAD THAT TOOTH, RIGHT?

YEP. YEAH.

OH, HAWAII WAS SUCH A GREAT IDEA.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST SO LAID-BACK.

YOU KNOW, "ALOHA" ISN'T JUST A GREETING.

IT'S A STATE OF MIND. I KNOW, I KNOW.

(thunder rumbling) YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GREAT HERE? THE FOOD.

OH, OF COURSE. I WANT--I WANT YOU TO TASTE THIS.

THIS IS HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUA'A,

AND IT MIGHT BE THE BEST HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUA'A

THAT I'VE EVER HAD. IT'S LIKE THE CHEF--

IT'S LIKE HE LETS THE HUMUHUMU-- JUST LET ME TASTE IT.

OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

MMM.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S JUST CHICKEN. IT'S DELICIOUS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S RAINED THE ENTIRE TIME WE'VE BEEN HERE.

YEAH, BUT IT BEATS BEING TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE. IT SURE DOES.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER TO HAVE A STAYCATION

AT A HOTEL IN HAWAII THAN AT HOME. AM I RIGHT?

ABSOLUTELY. I ALMOST NEVER GET LEI'D AT HOME.

(chuckles) 'CAUSE, GET-- GET IT? THE-- OH, I GET IT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN YOU STILL CALL IT A STAYCATION, BABE?

TRUST ME, IF YOU EVER WANT TO GET LAID AGAIN,

WE'LL BE TELLING PEOPLE WE TOOK A STAYCATION, OKAY?

TO STAYCATIONS.

TO STAYCATIONS. (clink)

(thunder rumbles)

(knock on door)

OH, EUGENIA, HEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

THEY BOUGHT ME A MINIVAN FOR CARPOOL.

AND THEY LET ME WATCH MY NOVELAS.

ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

AW, COME ON, NO NEED TO THANK ME.

YOUR PRETTY SMILE IS THANKS ENOUGH.

OH, AND YOU WENT WITH THE GOLD. (sparkles)

WOW. INTERESTING CHOICE. COME ON IN. LET'S GET WASTED.

THANK YOU.

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP ANNIE FROM SOCCER AT 4:00.

OKAY. OH, SOPHIE DOESN'T LIKE BANANAS ANYMORE.

ALL RIGHT, BYE! I'LL SEE YOU GUYS AT DINNER!

I'LL MISS YOU. BYE!

VACATION IS OVER, BITCHES!

(baby crying)

(glass shatters)

♪ VACATION, ALL I EVER WANTED ♪

♪ VACATION, HAD TO GET AWAY ♪

♪ VACATION, MEANT TO BE... ♪