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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:02,450 Hello, Fran Fernandez? 2 00:00:02,663 --> 00:00:04,175 Er, yes? 3 00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:07,050 This is Linda from the Fraud Prevention Team. 4 00:00:07,246 --> 00:00:10,164 We've noticed some suspicious activity on your card. 5 00:00:10,182 --> 00:00:12,190 As a precaution, Mrs Fernandez, 6 00:00:12,230 --> 00:00:14,683 I'd like to go through some of your recent purchases. 7 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,226 Is this a good time? 8 00:00:16,255 --> 00:00:18,322 Yeah, sure. 9 00:00:18,339 --> 00:00:22,163 Did you purchase a couples spa weekend at the Carinthia Hotel? 10 00:00:22,170 --> 00:00:25,047 That was probably my husband. We share an account. 11 00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:28,525 Sometimes he will make purchases without my knowing. 12 00:00:28,548 --> 00:00:31,495 Oh, I'm sorry. I've probably ruined a nice surprise for you. 13 00:00:31,702 --> 00:00:33,650 Oh, God, don't worry. He won't be taking ME. 14 00:00:33,730 --> 00:00:38,209 OK. You're absolutely sure it's your husband using the card? 15 00:00:38,261 --> 00:00:39,924 Yeah. Pretty sure. 16 00:00:40,137 --> 00:00:42,630 Linda, can I just check the last transaction? 17 00:00:42,681 --> 00:00:45,756 Let's see. 03:35 AM, I've got bottle service 18 00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,793 in a nightclub called Snakes And Lads. 19 00:00:47,822 --> 00:00:49,664 Oh, yes, that's definitely Joao. 20 00:00:49,711 --> 00:00:50,989 It's his favourite gay bar. 21 00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:53,729 It's for �2,600. 22 00:00:55,761 --> 00:00:58,323 Gosh. Tha... that is... that is a lot, isn't it? 23 00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:01,333 I will very much bring that up with my husband when he gets home. 24 00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:03,602 - You have a nice day now. - Thanks so much, Linda. 25 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,328 Stop trying to run away. 26 00:01:20,356 --> 00:01:21,570 What? 27 00:01:22,527 --> 00:01:25,250 Of course I'm trying to bloody run away! 28 00:01:25,924 --> 00:01:28,895 Will you two please quit cocking about? 29 00:01:28,912 --> 00:01:31,778 You are making a huge mistake. 30 00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:33,425 When my people realise I'm missing, 31 00:01:33,471 --> 00:01:36,430 they're gonna find you two clowns and bury you in your own shit. 32 00:01:36,450 --> 00:01:38,330 Wait. You've got people? 33 00:01:38,387 --> 00:01:40,529 I'm the head of a wealth management firm 34 00:01:40,552 --> 00:01:43,034 operating in over 100 countries. 35 00:01:43,074 --> 00:01:46,983 My house has four AGAs. Of course I have fucking people! 36 00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:49,217 Well, Mr K... 37 00:01:49,424 --> 00:01:51,796 ... also has people... 38 00:01:52,072 --> 00:01:54,018 - Us. - If you pull that trigger, 39 00:01:54,035 --> 00:01:55,549 your boss is gonna lose a lot more 40 00:01:55,566 --> 00:01:58,255 than the few hundred thousand quid I've skimmed. 41 00:02:01,565 --> 00:02:02,814 Hello? 42 00:02:03,781 --> 00:02:06,459 - Yeah, we've got her. - Let me speak to him. Put him on. 43 00:02:06,464 --> 00:02:08,048 She wants to talk to you. 44 00:02:08,842 --> 00:02:11,345 Christian? Hi, good evening. How are you? 45 00:02:11,374 --> 00:02:13,930 Listen, this has all been terrific fun, 46 00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:15,790 but er, here's the thing. 47 00:02:15,812 --> 00:02:17,896 I've been quietly putting all your savings 48 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:21,190 into a high-security bank account that only I can access. 49 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:24,759 - Think of it as an insurance policy. - Clever. I'd never think of that. 50 00:02:24,765 --> 00:02:27,776 Yeah, and that's why this suit cost more than everything you two own. 51 00:02:27,810 --> 00:02:29,773 I doubt it. Fran's got an Xbox. 52 00:02:29,808 --> 00:02:31,955 Now, here's the really juicy part. 53 00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:34,293 If I don't sign into that account every six hours, 54 00:02:34,345 --> 00:02:37,758 it becomes permanently frozen. Bye-bye, savings. 55 00:02:37,786 --> 00:02:39,571 Hello, Chicken Cottage. 56 00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:41,362 It's a fast-food restaurant. 57 00:02:41,368 --> 00:02:43,325 My stepson goes there when he's on drugs. 58 00:02:43,573 --> 00:02:47,603 The fact is, I last signed in, let's see, around three hours ago, 59 00:02:47,631 --> 00:02:50,263 so you might want to let me go sooner rather than later. 60 00:02:50,286 --> 00:02:51,490 OK? 61 00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:54,264 Oh. He wants to speak to you. 62 00:02:56,366 --> 00:02:57,850 Get the password how? 63 00:02:58,190 --> 00:02:59,376 Torture her? 64 00:02:59,451 --> 00:03:00,614 Erm... 65 00:03:01,754 --> 00:03:03,654 ... torture isn't really our thing. 66 00:03:03,671 --> 00:03:05,997 We just like a nice clean kill. 67 00:03:06,325 --> 00:03:10,718 Tell him if he lets me go now, I'll split the money 50-50. 68 00:03:12,157 --> 00:03:14,195 Understood. 69 00:03:22,306 --> 00:03:23,815 Waterboarding? 70 00:03:23,872 --> 00:03:25,628 Oh, no, no way. 71 00:03:25,892 --> 00:03:27,291 Racking? 72 00:03:27,355 --> 00:03:28,771 Riding the rail. 73 00:03:28,794 --> 00:03:30,659 The brazen bull? 74 00:03:31,540 --> 00:03:34,228 These torture techniques look like tantric sex positions. 75 00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:36,197 - Fran, this is not our bag. - No. 76 00:03:36,237 --> 00:03:38,165 I mean, it's one thing killing somebody but... 77 00:03:38,211 --> 00:03:40,456 popping their tips in a laminator, I mean... 78 00:03:40,496 --> 00:03:42,926 Listen! Your boss isn't an idiot. 79 00:03:42,946 --> 00:03:45,026 He will take the deal, and when he does, 80 00:03:45,056 --> 00:03:47,426 if you've so much as scuffed my Louboutins, 81 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,248 I'm gonna make sure he has you killed, 82 00:03:49,294 --> 00:03:52,926 then resuscitated by a team of very expensive Swiss surgeons 83 00:03:52,955 --> 00:03:54,768 and then killed again. 84 00:04:01,711 --> 00:04:03,904 There's no way we're doing any of that awful stuff. 85 00:04:03,927 --> 00:04:06,626 We need to... We need to think out of the box. 86 00:04:07,220 --> 00:04:09,306 Mints. Extra Strong. 87 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:12,752 Pop three of these in her mouth at once and... 88 00:04:12,873 --> 00:04:14,998 Not exactly Saw, is it? 89 00:04:16,394 --> 00:04:19,346 - Oh, God, it's Joao. - Is he stealing from you again? 90 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,925 Jamie, it's not stealing. 91 00:04:20,948 --> 00:04:23,441 He's simply taking my money without permission. 92 00:04:23,482 --> 00:04:25,324 - He's been with you for six months? - Mm. 93 00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,955 He's got his visa now. You could be out there, 94 00:04:27,978 --> 00:04:32,014 meeting someone that means something to you. Fran... 95 00:04:32,099 --> 00:04:35,186 Do you know, I can totally see you getting it together 96 00:04:35,215 --> 00:04:37,719 with a Salma Hayek figure, yeah? 97 00:04:37,748 --> 00:04:41,648 And she is not gonna steal money from you, because she is loaded. 98 00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,713 Can I just say, I dated for years and all I ever got was heartbreak... 99 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,466 and the occasional bout of oral thrush. 100 00:04:49,546 --> 00:04:51,376 Oi! Loose Women! 101 00:04:51,393 --> 00:04:53,281 Tick-fucking-tock! 102 00:04:53,306 --> 00:04:55,428 Tell Mr K to take the deal! 103 00:04:56,866 --> 00:04:59,055 Fran, talking of oral thrush... 104 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,667 I don't have time to give her that now. 105 00:05:00,724 --> 00:05:03,315 No, why don't we seduce her 106 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:06,125 with a bit of S-and-M hostage role-play? 107 00:05:06,346 --> 00:05:07,864 Now, I'm totally up for it, 108 00:05:07,881 --> 00:05:11,190 but full disclosure, I am on day four of these Spanx, 109 00:05:11,214 --> 00:05:12,279 - so... - Oh, God. 110 00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:14,461 I don't know who would be into that. 111 00:05:14,628 --> 00:05:17,196 - What, you've never tried role-play in the bedroom? - Er... 112 00:05:17,570 --> 00:05:19,591 sex is like life, Jamie. 113 00:05:19,626 --> 00:05:21,773 You just want to rattle through it quickly 114 00:05:21,826 --> 00:05:23,264 and then apologise. 115 00:05:23,333 --> 00:05:25,205 Although, having said that... 116 00:05:25,216 --> 00:05:26,834 ... it doesn't always work. 117 00:05:27,248 --> 00:05:28,838 This guy I'm seeing at the moment. 118 00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:31,941 There is nothing about Colin I can get excited about. 119 00:05:31,958 --> 00:05:34,969 It's like having sex with a piece of Shredded Wheat. 120 00:05:35,130 --> 00:05:37,634 I've burned through most of my role-play repertoire 121 00:05:37,657 --> 00:05:40,473 trying to spice things up a bit, you know, the French maid, 122 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,701 the naughty nurse, the disgraced dentist. 123 00:05:42,730 --> 00:05:44,204 He's not into any of it. 124 00:05:44,233 --> 00:05:47,946 Trust me, this is a waste of everyone's time! 125 00:05:48,026 --> 00:05:50,456 My personal trainer says I have the pain threshold 126 00:05:50,466 --> 00:05:52,713 of someone in a medically-induced coma! 127 00:05:52,788 --> 00:05:54,348 Right. Listen. 128 00:05:54,423 --> 00:05:56,271 If we're gonna get that psycho to break... 129 00:05:56,795 --> 00:05:58,827 - we need to get in here. - Into your head. 130 00:05:58,879 --> 00:06:01,896 Into HER head, Jamie. 131 00:06:01,908 --> 00:06:04,383 - Sounds intense. - It can be. 132 00:06:04,999 --> 00:06:06,536 Leave this to me. 133 00:06:07,653 --> 00:06:10,117 I don't want you to get caught in the crossfire. 134 00:06:11,073 --> 00:06:14,251 Come on. That's it. Let it all out. 135 00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:16,237 I'm... 136 00:06:16,761 --> 00:06:19,392 The thing is, it's really hard, you know, 137 00:06:19,473 --> 00:06:23,423 because I really try and I try, and I don't get anything back. 138 00:06:23,699 --> 00:06:25,910 We're not properly married but... 139 00:06:25,957 --> 00:06:27,822 Fran, you need to wise up. 140 00:06:27,874 --> 00:06:30,401 Tell this Joao what I told my mother last week. 141 00:06:30,426 --> 00:06:32,546 If you can't pay your way, you're on the streets. 142 00:06:35,323 --> 00:06:36,746 Oh. Sorry. 143 00:06:36,826 --> 00:06:38,666 It's just it... Well, it's been... 144 00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:42,290 It's been a while. Just thought I'd check in. 145 00:06:42,491 --> 00:06:46,659 See how the... WHISPERING: mind game's going. 146 00:06:48,237 --> 00:06:50,114 I've just been telling Fran here 147 00:06:50,146 --> 00:06:52,255 that she needs to be more assertive with this... 148 00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,989 excuse my French, fuck-wit Joao. 149 00:06:55,007 --> 00:06:56,866 He is walking all over her. 150 00:06:56,946 --> 00:06:58,577 - Thank you! - Yeah. 151 00:06:58,628 --> 00:07:00,666 That's what I've been telling her. Fran... 152 00:07:00,730 --> 00:07:03,694 she's right. Joao is taking the piss. 153 00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:05,456 Yeah, listen to your friend, Fran. 154 00:07:05,473 --> 00:07:08,392 Yeah. I... I will. And you're... you're both right. 155 00:07:08,426 --> 00:07:09,906 I'm gonna go call him now 156 00:07:09,923 --> 00:07:12,560 - and tell him he now I feel. - Oh, good girl! 157 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,374 Thank you. 158 00:07:14,904 --> 00:07:17,892 Keep the pressure up because I think she's about to crack. 159 00:07:18,068 --> 00:07:19,428 Absolutely, mate. 160 00:07:19,508 --> 00:07:20,776 Thank you again. 161 00:07:20,995 --> 00:07:23,148 I'll tidy myself up and speak to him. 162 00:07:25,185 --> 00:07:27,667 Right, you're gonna give me the password. 163 00:07:27,684 --> 00:07:30,661 Come on, then. What have you got? 164 00:07:31,228 --> 00:07:32,486 Joao? 165 00:07:32,595 --> 00:07:34,253 Joao, it's me. 166 00:07:34,581 --> 00:07:36,308 Your sham wife? 167 00:07:36,388 --> 00:07:38,184 Joao, turn the music down. 168 00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,379 Turn the music down! 169 00:07:42,748 --> 00:07:44,724 I don't care there's a foam party. 170 00:07:44,748 --> 00:07:47,183 Just please get them out of the house. 171 00:07:47,275 --> 00:07:48,588 OK, listen. 172 00:07:48,617 --> 00:07:51,910 I will shut down that joint account unless you start contributing. 173 00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:53,901 Contributing. 174 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:57,206 Con... Oh, fuck, hang on, what is it? 175 00:07:57,228 --> 00:07:59,008 Con... Oh, hang on. 176 00:07:59,148 --> 00:08:01,753 Contribuir... that's it! 177 00:08:04,010 --> 00:08:07,228 How are you er... doing with those? 178 00:08:08,041 --> 00:08:11,644 - Ready to talk? - I've actually had a bit of a sniffle coming on, 179 00:08:11,668 --> 00:08:14,413 so it is helping to clear out the old nasal passage. 180 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,203 I'm actually rubbish at this torture stuff. 181 00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,447 Jamie, don't do yourself down. 182 00:08:19,839 --> 00:08:22,206 I think you're the brains of this outfit. 183 00:08:22,228 --> 00:08:24,251 - Really? - Yes, it's so obvious. 184 00:08:24,279 --> 00:08:26,954 Fran's out there, yacking away to her husband 185 00:08:26,982 --> 00:08:28,995 while you're in here manning the ship. 186 00:08:29,548 --> 00:08:31,748 You're the one who's really in charge. 187 00:08:32,201 --> 00:08:35,467 And that's why I'm going to give you the password. 188 00:08:35,532 --> 00:08:36,715 For what? 189 00:08:37,282 --> 00:08:38,708 The bank account. 190 00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:41,201 - Wait, seriously? - Yes. 191 00:08:41,446 --> 00:08:43,426 OK. Are you ready? 192 00:08:43,548 --> 00:08:45,212 The password is... 193 00:08:45,516 --> 00:08:46,691 two. 194 00:08:48,302 --> 00:08:50,697 That's it, just two? 195 00:08:50,752 --> 00:08:53,696 Yeah. Nice and simple so I don't forget it. 196 00:08:53,935 --> 00:08:55,404 Smart. 197 00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:58,716 Are you gonna call your boss and tell him? 198 00:08:58,868 --> 00:09:01,369 I actually... I'm not allowed to call Mr K. 199 00:09:01,383 --> 00:09:03,289 - It's usually Fran... - Uh-oh-oh-oh, Jamie? 200 00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:06,564 I thought we'd just agreed that you're in charge? 201 00:09:07,158 --> 00:09:09,465 - Who's the one who's got the password? - The password? 202 00:09:09,479 --> 00:09:12,077 - To the bank account! - Yes. Yes, yes, yes. 203 00:09:13,657 --> 00:09:14,670 Wait, what was it again? 204 00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:15,821 - Two! - Two. 205 00:09:16,308 --> 00:09:17,802 Two. Got it. 206 00:09:19,773 --> 00:09:22,444 Can you imagine how pleased he'll be when you call and tell him? 207 00:09:22,832 --> 00:09:25,948 He'll probably give you some kind of special reward. 208 00:09:26,028 --> 00:09:27,676 I don't know what you're into. 209 00:09:27,948 --> 00:09:29,031 A... 210 00:09:29,428 --> 00:09:30,689 bicycle? 211 00:09:30,892 --> 00:09:32,048 Or a... 212 00:09:32,668 --> 00:09:33,701 button? 213 00:09:35,228 --> 00:09:37,354 Hoo. Great news. 214 00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:41,044 Joao has finally agreed to pull his weight financially. 215 00:09:41,068 --> 00:09:43,356 Great. Yep, he's planning to set up a nightclub, 216 00:09:43,379 --> 00:09:45,655 which, if my Portuguese translation is correct, 217 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,132 I think he's gonna call Cock-A-Hoop. 218 00:09:50,242 --> 00:09:51,969 - What are you doing? - Calling Mr K. 219 00:09:51,978 --> 00:09:53,521 Why? You're not supposed to do that! 220 00:09:53,548 --> 00:09:56,648 Hang on, I broke her. I've got the password. It's two. 221 00:09:57,075 --> 00:09:58,992 - What do you mean it's two? - It's two. 222 00:09:59,009 --> 00:10:00,943 It's just two. Can you believe it? 223 00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:03,493 No, I can't believe it because it's not just two. 224 00:10:03,508 --> 00:10:05,065 She's playing... Give me that. 225 00:10:05,168 --> 00:10:06,924 No! Just cos you're jealous. 226 00:10:06,970 --> 00:10:09,319 - Cos I'm manning the ship. - Rubbish! 227 00:10:10,628 --> 00:10:12,941 Er, hello, Mr K? Yep, erm... 228 00:10:12,991 --> 00:10:15,395 Well, we just wanted to ring in and erm... 229 00:10:15,474 --> 00:10:18,288 well, just see how you are, really. How are you? 230 00:10:18,322 --> 00:10:19,911 And how's... 231 00:10:21,586 --> 00:10:23,077 Right. Just shut the fuck up. 232 00:10:23,112 --> 00:10:24,994 I will do that. And... 233 00:10:25,268 --> 00:10:27,418 Yeah, I'll get on with it now. 234 00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:30,861 Yes, because my life depends on it. 235 00:10:31,188 --> 00:10:33,492 Thank you for... Lovely to catch up. 236 00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:36,756 This is turning out to be quite fun. 237 00:10:40,997 --> 00:10:44,019 If we can't make her give us the password in the next hour, 238 00:10:44,048 --> 00:10:45,462 we are both dead. 239 00:10:45,482 --> 00:10:49,110 Mate, I promise you, I'm pushing my brain to the absolute limit. 240 00:10:52,596 --> 00:10:55,023 - Who's that? - Oh... 241 00:10:55,387 --> 00:10:57,243 God, it's Colin. 242 00:10:58,488 --> 00:10:59,563 - That's Colin? - Yep. 243 00:10:59,609 --> 00:11:01,219 - Colin you've been seeing? - Yes. 244 00:11:01,248 --> 00:11:02,566 - Mr Shredded Wheat? - Yep. 245 00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:05,745 God. You didn't tell me he was coming. 246 00:11:05,768 --> 00:11:07,919 You also didn't tell me he was so insanely hot. 247 00:11:07,929 --> 00:11:10,538 I dropped a pin, and he's brought us some soup. 248 00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,956 Erm... that's your boyfriend? 249 00:11:13,097 --> 00:11:14,994 What escort agency is he with? 250 00:11:15,101 --> 00:11:16,423 What does he think we do? 251 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,774 TV licence inspectors. 252 00:11:18,930 --> 00:11:20,187 That's not even a thing anymore. 253 00:11:20,202 --> 00:11:22,054 You might as well have said we're chimney sweeps. 254 00:11:22,105 --> 00:11:23,492 What do you tell Joao? 255 00:11:23,553 --> 00:11:26,234 - He's never really asked. - Does Colin charge by the hour? 256 00:11:26,295 --> 00:11:28,126 Will you shut up? Or I'll kill you. 257 00:11:28,162 --> 00:11:29,504 You won't get the password. 258 00:11:29,524 --> 00:11:32,270 Fine. I'll wee in a bath every day and drown you in it. 259 00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,752 I've got a client who'd pay a lot of money for that. 260 00:11:34,808 --> 00:11:37,240 The soup is gonna be cold. 261 00:11:37,648 --> 00:11:39,687 - So let's deal with this. - Hey, babe. 262 00:11:39,753 --> 00:11:41,128 Hi. 263 00:11:42,755 --> 00:11:43,966 Sorry I'm late. 264 00:11:43,986 --> 00:11:46,232 The orphanage is really understaffed the moment, 265 00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,271 - so it was tough to get away. - Whatever. 266 00:11:48,639 --> 00:11:50,728 - You must be Fran. - Hi. 267 00:11:50,763 --> 00:11:53,503 Did you say you worked... in an orphanage? 268 00:11:53,549 --> 00:11:54,848 Volunteer. 269 00:11:54,928 --> 00:11:56,702 My day job is swimwear modelling, 270 00:11:56,728 --> 00:11:58,634 but that's just to put bread on the table. 271 00:11:58,730 --> 00:12:02,061 My true passion has always been my work with disadvantaged kids. 272 00:12:02,091 --> 00:12:03,883 Do you do couples? 273 00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:06,270 - Who's that? - TV licence dodger. 274 00:12:06,471 --> 00:12:07,747 You put them in the van with you? 275 00:12:07,762 --> 00:12:10,553 Well, it's the only way those cheating bastards will learn. 276 00:12:10,653 --> 00:12:11,733 Yes. 277 00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:13,565 - Thank you. - No worries. 278 00:12:13,611 --> 00:12:15,336 It was worth it just to see you. 279 00:12:15,387 --> 00:12:17,219 Listen, Jamie... 280 00:12:17,568 --> 00:12:19,428 - Now what? - I was thinking a lot about, 281 00:12:19,449 --> 00:12:21,174 you know, the other night. 282 00:12:21,346 --> 00:12:23,385 I can get into the naughty nurse thing, 283 00:12:23,411 --> 00:12:24,924 as long as we make it clear 284 00:12:24,929 --> 00:12:27,059 that I'm only naughty in my own time. 285 00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,541 What about the croutons? 286 00:12:30,657 --> 00:12:33,330 Just leave them outside. Cheers. 287 00:12:35,008 --> 00:12:37,422 You know, I usually use Omega Escorts, 288 00:12:37,448 --> 00:12:40,568 but the last one they sent me was such a let-down. 289 00:12:40,571 --> 00:12:42,650 Six-foot seven, completely hairless 290 00:12:42,688 --> 00:12:44,537 and hung like a frightened lab rat. 291 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,918 God, he's such a dork. 292 00:12:50,511 --> 00:12:52,887 That's it. Off you fuck. 293 00:12:53,154 --> 00:12:56,168 Vegetable soup! 294 00:12:56,612 --> 00:12:58,353 Classic Colin. 295 00:12:58,568 --> 00:13:00,876 If you're not going to eat it, can I have some? 296 00:13:00,911 --> 00:13:01,930 Sure. 297 00:13:01,976 --> 00:13:03,908 Whoa! Whoa, there. 298 00:13:04,029 --> 00:13:06,810 If she's that hungry, we can maybe use it to break her. 299 00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:10,362 I'm not gonna get so hungry in the next two hours 300 00:13:10,368 --> 00:13:13,626 that I give up millions of pounds. I'm not a cartoon bear! 301 00:13:13,652 --> 00:13:15,155 All right, fine. 302 00:13:21,831 --> 00:13:23,368 It's quite nice, actually. 303 00:13:25,313 --> 00:13:27,690 - God. What a fuck-up. - I know, right? 304 00:13:27,691 --> 00:13:30,470 Vegetable soup. He is such a tit. 305 00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:32,489 No... Oh, forget it. 306 00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,178 Hang on, what's in that? 307 00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:38,448 Ooh, er... onions... 308 00:13:38,528 --> 00:13:40,806 celery, soy sauce... 309 00:13:40,847 --> 00:13:44,066 Soy sauce? Shitting hell! I am seriously allergic to soy! 310 00:13:44,088 --> 00:13:45,625 You have to get me to a hospital. 311 00:13:45,648 --> 00:13:48,436 - Oh, nice try. - No, I'm not fucking around! 312 00:13:48,448 --> 00:13:50,142 Bullshit! 313 00:13:53,003 --> 00:13:55,238 Oh, God! Stay with us, 314 00:13:55,248 --> 00:13:57,045 you horrid, fancy cow! 315 00:13:57,181 --> 00:13:59,796 Oh, God, she's passing out! No, we need to keep alive 316 00:13:59,808 --> 00:14:01,491 until she gives us the password. 317 00:14:02,662 --> 00:14:05,498 - What do you do with allergic reactions? - I don't know. 318 00:14:05,528 --> 00:14:07,027 How about a YouTube tutorial? 319 00:14:07,048 --> 00:14:08,526 That's a great idea. Look it up. 320 00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:10,741 Breathe. Breathe. 321 00:14:10,756 --> 00:14:12,260 - First aid. - Yeah. 322 00:14:12,331 --> 00:14:13,769 - Allergic reaction. - Great! 323 00:14:13,981 --> 00:14:16,312 - I know what you're thinking... - Skip the ad! 324 00:14:16,332 --> 00:14:18,502 - How do I skip it? - Skip ad"! Four seconds. 325 00:14:19,102 --> 00:14:21,777 - Bottom right! - There's no skip... Got it! 326 00:14:21,787 --> 00:14:25,779 Hello, and welcome to Emergency Room For You. 327 00:14:26,369 --> 00:14:28,518 In this three-hour tutorial... 328 00:14:28,861 --> 00:14:31,954 For fuck sake! Maybe we should take her to hospital. 329 00:14:31,968 --> 00:14:35,017 - No, it's too risky. - Who else is gonna help us with this? 330 00:14:35,254 --> 00:14:37,887 - ... dairy, shellfish... - No! 331 00:14:37,938 --> 00:14:41,060 - I am not calling Liz and Charles. - Do we have a choice? 332 00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:46,661 Calling Mr K's A-team to mop up your mess again? 333 00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:48,008 So pathetic. 334 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:51,185 Setting up all this shit just so you have an excuse to see me. 335 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,410 In my dreams. Er, your dreams. WHISPERING: Fuck sake! 336 00:14:53,430 --> 00:14:56,291 There we go. She should be absolutely fine. 337 00:14:57,728 --> 00:14:59,208 You skip lunch? 338 00:14:59,711 --> 00:15:01,808 Cos you got some hungry eyes, girl. 339 00:15:04,928 --> 00:15:06,801 Thanks, Charles. You're a lifesaver. 340 00:15:06,808 --> 00:15:08,445 Oh, no, honestly, it's been an honour. 341 00:15:08,466 --> 00:15:11,881 It's been really lovely to flex the old medical muscles again. 342 00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:14,807 Reminds me of my time when I was an Army nurse in Helmand. 343 00:15:14,838 --> 00:15:16,457 Good times. Can't go back. 344 00:15:16,558 --> 00:15:19,187 Literally. We left it in an absolute mess. 345 00:15:19,208 --> 00:15:21,570 Come on, Charles! We got better things to do than... 346 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,149 bail out these assholes. 347 00:15:23,164 --> 00:15:26,106 Well, if Mr K loses all his money, you'll be out of job. 348 00:15:26,232 --> 00:15:28,714 Anyway, why are you all dressed up in that sexy outfit? 349 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,167 I mean, not that I find it sexy. Not my bag at all. 350 00:15:31,182 --> 00:15:32,944 Don't like it. Can't look at it. Urgh. 351 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,932 We're infiltrating a sex party. 352 00:15:34,987 --> 00:15:36,431 Billionaire Russian pervs. 353 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,809 Why don't we get jobs like that? 354 00:15:37,848 --> 00:15:39,388 Yeah, well, no offence, 355 00:15:39,413 --> 00:15:43,536 but you're less high-end sex party, more Warhammer convention. 356 00:15:44,157 --> 00:15:47,008 Righty-ho, keep her off anything soy-based. 357 00:15:47,128 --> 00:15:49,008 She was very lucky this time. 358 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,573 Charles, we couldn't borrow that stuff, could we? 359 00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:54,823 Yeah, sure. Why not? 360 00:15:55,066 --> 00:15:56,267 Thanks. 361 00:15:56,648 --> 00:15:59,168 Charles, are they really gonna let you in wearing that? 362 00:15:59,197 --> 00:16:01,043 Me? Oh, I'm actually not going in. 363 00:16:01,074 --> 00:16:03,243 I'm gonna be in the car park. Liz's orders. 364 00:16:03,258 --> 00:16:04,746 So why are you wearing that? 365 00:16:06,093 --> 00:16:08,768 - Just feels nice. - Fuck sake, Charles! Let's go! 366 00:16:08,848 --> 00:16:11,150 OK. 367 00:16:11,368 --> 00:16:13,528 Why did you keep talking to those idiots? 368 00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:15,737 I was boiling in there with his goddamn thing on. 369 00:16:15,762 --> 00:16:18,366 My body's slicker than a fucking sea otter right now! 370 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:19,800 Other side. 371 00:16:20,208 --> 00:16:23,196 - Give us the password. - No. 372 00:16:23,694 --> 00:16:26,407 All right. Jamie, what have we got? 373 00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:29,302 Ooh, I've got tofu, edamame beans, 374 00:16:29,315 --> 00:16:30,993 miso dressing, Taste The Difference. 375 00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:32,848 Flumps, some teriyaki... 376 00:16:32,888 --> 00:16:34,088 Sorry, Flumps? 377 00:16:34,122 --> 00:16:35,488 - Do they have soy in them? - No. 378 00:16:35,549 --> 00:16:37,144 Sorry, I got those for me. 379 00:16:37,154 --> 00:16:40,035 You can't kill me. We both know you're bluffing. 380 00:16:40,061 --> 00:16:42,926 You're right, I can't kill you, but what I can do... 381 00:16:42,972 --> 00:16:45,772 is just take you to the very brink... 382 00:16:45,828 --> 00:16:49,420 again and again and again, and then just bring you back. 383 00:16:49,516 --> 00:16:52,971 Anyway, Jamie, I think I'd like to start with the 384 00:16:53,224 --> 00:16:55,464 salmon teriyaki, please. 385 00:16:56,779 --> 00:16:59,801 - Shouldn't we start small? - Oh, I'm done fucking around. 386 00:17:00,608 --> 00:17:01,968 Let us commence. 387 00:17:04,888 --> 00:17:06,170 Mmm. 388 00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:11,645 Oh, fine, fine, fine! 389 00:17:11,848 --> 00:17:14,097 I'll give you the password. 390 00:17:15,288 --> 00:17:18,189 It's encrypted so you need to take to my office. 391 00:17:19,328 --> 00:17:22,433 Now get that sushi out of my face! 392 00:17:28,292 --> 00:17:30,088 How long's this gonna take? 393 00:17:30,168 --> 00:17:32,247 I'm going as fast as I can. 394 00:17:32,248 --> 00:17:34,307 There's a very complex security system. 395 00:17:34,328 --> 00:17:35,848 This isn't Pigeon Canyon. 396 00:17:35,928 --> 00:17:39,608 - What's Pigeon Canyon? - It's an online game for children. 397 00:17:39,688 --> 00:17:41,209 My stepson got kicked off it 398 00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:43,146 for using it as a platform to sell Ecstasy. 399 00:17:43,168 --> 00:17:45,368 - Oh, is this him? - Please don't touch that. 400 00:17:45,537 --> 00:17:47,823 - It's very precious. - See? You love him really. 401 00:17:47,848 --> 00:17:50,099 No, I loathe him but the frame is a Lalique. 402 00:17:52,602 --> 00:17:54,191 Oh, God, it's Joao. 403 00:17:54,499 --> 00:17:57,007 "My heart is chock-a-block with sorry." 404 00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:59,050 He's using some rubbish new translation app. 405 00:17:59,090 --> 00:18:01,846 Erm, "Cock-A-Hoop is a no-go-go-go, 406 00:18:01,851 --> 00:18:04,253 but I will promise I will find wet assets." 407 00:18:04,263 --> 00:18:06,489 I presume he means "liquid". There's a... 408 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,248 Hang on, there's a link to a page. 409 00:18:08,285 --> 00:18:09,647 See? He's not all bad. 410 00:18:09,657 --> 00:18:12,851 Mate, I was too quick to judge him. It's an eBay page. Hang on. 411 00:18:14,288 --> 00:18:15,344 What... ? 412 00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:17,930 Hang on, he's selling all my stuff online. 413 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,451 Look, those are my shoes. 414 00:18:19,521 --> 00:18:21,464 My laptop's selling for a tenner. 415 00:18:21,655 --> 00:18:24,526 You are not bidding on my laptop, Jamie. 416 00:18:27,266 --> 00:18:29,088 Who the fuck is that? 417 00:18:29,744 --> 00:18:33,831 Oh! The cavalry's here. Told you I had people! 418 00:18:40,663 --> 00:18:42,732 Get down. Get down. 419 00:18:45,062 --> 00:18:47,035 - Where's your gun? - It's in the van. 420 00:18:47,055 --> 00:18:48,528 Well, why would you do that? 421 00:18:48,608 --> 00:18:50,935 - This was our weapon of choice. - Oh, don't be ridic.. 422 00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:52,928 No! 423 00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:02,513 I'm over he... 424 00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,711 Ow! You bit me, you bitch! 425 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:08,170 Is that teriyaki on your hand? 426 00:19:10,989 --> 00:19:12,686 Gimme the injection! 427 00:19:12,812 --> 00:19:14,208 Yeah? 428 00:19:14,351 --> 00:19:15,777 Oi! 429 00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:21,782 What are you doing, Brian? You nearly bloody killed me! 430 00:19:21,814 --> 00:19:24,639 - Fran, get the gun! - What do you think I'm trying to do? 431 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,107 Oh, fuck. 432 00:19:36,048 --> 00:19:37,328 Come here! 433 00:19:40,007 --> 00:19:42,410 Shit! Oh, fuck! 434 00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:02,928 Well, your cavalry's dead. 435 00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,747 Help me. Please. 436 00:20:08,768 --> 00:20:11,688 - Only if you give us what we need. - You'll just kill me. 437 00:20:11,768 --> 00:20:13,995 You're gonna die anyway. 438 00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:15,283 If you give us the password, 439 00:20:15,288 --> 00:20:17,648 there's a small chance Mr K might let you live. 440 00:20:25,072 --> 00:20:26,233 Yep. 441 00:20:26,379 --> 00:20:27,878 She's doing it now. 442 00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:32,187 - _ - It's gone. 443 00:20:33,378 --> 00:20:34,806 Have you got it? 444 00:20:36,542 --> 00:20:37,728 Great. 445 00:20:38,490 --> 00:20:40,559 OK, what do you want us to do with her? 446 00:20:43,623 --> 00:20:44,905 OK. 447 00:20:46,888 --> 00:20:49,224 No, hang on. You said... 448 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,556 I did say it was a very small chance. 449 00:20:51,568 --> 00:20:53,554 - No, no, no, no, no! - Yes! 450 00:20:53,568 --> 00:20:54,808 What? 451 00:20:55,678 --> 00:20:57,616 You've just bought my laptop, haven't you? 452 00:20:57,648 --> 00:20:59,089 Mate, it was real bargain. 453 00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:08,237 I'm thinking I'm finally ready to have a baby, Fran. 454 00:21:18,122 --> 00:21:20,842 - It's fresh... - Why did you just lick that poo? 455 00:21:20,878 --> 00:21:22,160 I don't know. 456 00:21:29,608 --> 00:21:31,041 Why have you got an egg on your head? 457 00:21:31,062 --> 00:21:33,524 It's a responsibility exercise, I'm thinking of having a kid. 458 00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:40,436 Any funny business... 459 00:21:42,693 --> 00:21:43,808 Right. 460 00:21:44,308 --> 00:21:49,308 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 34395

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