All language subtitles for Eating.Raoul.1982.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

♪♪ [Big Band]

[Man: Tenor]
♪ I know why I've waited ♪

♪ Know why I've been blue ♪

♪ Praying each night for someone ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪

♪ Why should we spend money ♪

♪ On a show or two ♪

♪ No one does those love scenes ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪

♪ You make me feel so grand ♪

♪ I wanna hand the world to you ♪

♪ You seem to understand ♪

♪ Each foolish little scheme
I'm schemin' ♪

♪ Dream I'm dreamin' ♪

♪ Now I know why Mother ♪

♪ Taught me to be true ♪

♪ She meant me for someone ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪♪

[Narrator]
Hollywood, California, city of contrasts.

Home to the rich and powerful...

yet so popular
with the broken and destitute.

Here sex hunger is reflected
in every aspect of daily life...

and instant gratification
is tirelessly pursued.

A center of casual violence
and capricious harassment...

where rampant vice and amorality...

permeate every strata of society...

and the barrier between food and sex
has totally dissolved.

It is a known fact that prolonged exposure
to just such a psychopathic environment...

will eventually warp
even the most normal and decent among us.

This then is the story of Hollywood today.

Not a pretty story,
but presented here exactly as it happened.

Really? Stomach cramps?

But it's such a good buy.

Well, so is lighter fluid at $1.50 a pint,
but I wouldn't serve it to my dinner guests.

Forget about Mountain Brook.

My dinner date wouldn't
know the difference anyway.

How about a nice...

Beaujolais?

I'm sure it would go
very well with your meat.

- How much?
- 3.50, plus tax.

All right. I'll take it on your say-so.

Thank you.

[Cash Register Rings]

Now, you be sure to let me know
if you're not completely satisfied.

With wine, you mean?

Bland, did you refuse to sell that customer
a bottle of Mountain Brook?

I certainly did. It's undrinkable.

I'm not interested in your opinion,
Mr. Gourmet.

If a customer wants a brand of wine
that we carry, that's what he gets.

Mr. Cray, I tried a bottle of Mountain Brook.
It made me sick.

[Cray]
Well, it makes me three times as sick...

if I get stuck with those 10 cases
we got piled up downstairs.

- Uh, I think this man -
- And another thing.

Who told you to order a case
of Château Lafite Rothschild?

This stuff goes for $400 a bottle.

We don't have customers
for that kind of item!

- You got your head up your ass?
- Uh, Mr. Cray, I think -

Excuse me. One of you gentlemen mind
giving me the money out of that cash register?

- What?
- I said give me the money
out of the register, sucker.

And make it fast!

[Thud]

Mr. Cray, you killed him.

Yeah.

Now how about that Château Lafite?

[Woman On P.A.]
Dr. Benihana.

Dr. Benihana,
you're wanted in Neurosurgery.

[Woman On P.A.]
Dr. Benihana.

Dr. Benihana,
you're wanted in Neurosurgery.

Ah. What's this garbage?

Liver puree, asparagus salad
and mixed fruit mash.

Make a new man of you.

- Christ.
- Hey, Mary.

Paul called. He's leaving the liquor store early.
Said he'd pick you up after work.

- Okay. Thanks, Sheila.
- Paul?

Isn't that the dumpy dude
who came by for you a couple days ago?

[Chuckles]
Boy, he seems like a giant hard-off.

He happens to be my husband.

Baby, you got a problem.

And we could solve it so easily.

Oh, what's that supposed to mean?

Baby, with a shape like yours,
that's like wasting a natural resource.

- Open your mouth.
- If I do, will you open your legs?

- I might do something for you.
- Ah!

If you would do something for me.

Eat that.

[Groans]

[Mary]
Dewey.

How would you like to unblock Golden Boy?

Love to.

[Gulping]

Yuck!

- Okay, I'm ready.
- Mmm. I can see you are.

I'll bet you thought
I was gonna run out on you.

[Chuckles] No. You know
a good thing when you see it.

Hey, Mary, they want you
down in the kitchen.

- Oh, I was just about to give
Mr. Baker his high colonic.
- What?

- Don't worry. I'll do it for you.
- Oh, Dewey, would you?

But try not to tear anything
like you did last time. Bye.

- Hey.
- Don't worry. She's just kidding.

Actually, enemas are my specialty.

[Mary] What a luxury to be picked up.
How was your day?

- Not great.
- What's wrong?

[Sighs]
I have a little headache.

Oh. I hope it goes away when James comes.

[Sighs]
That's all right.

We're having
chicken cacciatore tonight.

I hope this place that James found
is gonna be as good as it sounds.

You know, I was thinking about
what we should name it.

I know that you love Chez Bland,
and I do too, but...

well, what if we just called it
Paul and Mary's Country Kitchen?

So I have to take her to these parties
and watch her get laid.

- Oh, God. Wives are the pits.
- Tell me about it.

- So, are you two going to the party?
- We live here.

Too bad.

- Excuse us.
- Oh?

- Hey, you guys, this is the floor.
- All right!

[Chattering]

[Man]
Hey, come down to 234. We'll get it on.

- You two live in the building.
You must swing, right?
- Wrong!

- Good night.
- Well, you don't, but I'll bet anything she does.

[People Laughing]

This building is beginning to
attract some real scum.

Oh, no. I don't believe it.

$175 a month rent increase?
How are we gonna pay that?

Now, don't worry, honey. We can live on
our InstaCash card for a month or two.

Aren't you forgetting something?
It was canceled last month for nonpayment.

Oh. Well, we still have our jobs.

- Um -
- Oh, no, Paul.

I told him not to buy that cheap wine.

Bad wine at a bargain price is no bargain.
But what does he care?

It's not your fault.

We just weren't meant to work
in shops or hospitals.

All those bills and no credit.
What are we gonna -

Mary, why don't we sell your mother's
collection of fabulous '50s furniture?

Oh, no, Paul. You know Mama
only loaned it to us until she dies.

Well, there's that money we set aside
for the down payment on the restaurant.

- But that's not gonna keep us for very long.
- You'll get another job.

I could get a raise.
We'll get by somehow.

- [Knocking]
- [Together] James!

- [Chuckling] What am I gonna say to him?
- Don't say anything to him.

Stall him. I just don't want that restaurant
to slip through our fingers.

- James -
- How you doin', pal? Am I early or what?

- Well, the early bird gets the pussy. Am I right?
- Pussy? Now, come on -

- Jesus, she looks like a party all to herself.
- Now come on. Get out of here!

- [Man Laughing]
- Mister, you'd better get out of here.

If you're not screwing her, somebody's
gonna screw her. Might as well be me, man.

I'll screw you later, sweetheart.
Hey, babe, hey -

[Groans]
Shouldn't have done that.

[Vomiting]

- Oh, my God!
- He's gonna do it again. Quick!
Get him in the bathroom.

- Come on.
- [Grunts] I'm s - I'm sorry.

- [Grunting] Come on. Come on.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

[Groaning]
No, no.

Some things are private, man.

[Vomiting]

Well, we've got to spray the room
with something - the smell.

I just don't know why
they let swingers in the building.

Because they're so transient,
that's why.

They're always pairing up and switching off
and moving in and moving out...

and the landlords
get to raise the rent every 10 minutes.

"Sexual liberation."

- Just look what it's brought us.
- [Man Vomiting]

That is exactly the sort of person
we should refuse to serve in our restaurant.

- [Phone Ringing]
- [Sighs]

Hello?

What article?

Oh. Bon Appétit. Yeah, that's me.

Yes, I have a few bottles of that.
1948, as a matter of fact.

Oh, no, I don't think
I'd be interested, no.

Well, all right.
I'll tell you what, Mr. Peck.

If I do I'll give you a call.
Okay?

Thank you. Good-bye.

Who was that?

Some wine collector from New York
staying at the Wilton.

Wanted to buy some of my Château Lafite.
[Chuckles] Fat chance.

That reminds me though -
What are we drinking tonight?

James is from the Valley.
He probably likes Chablis.

James! I forgot all about James.

- Paul, we can't have that guy here if James comes.
- Uh, hello.

- [Knocking]
- Hello? Can you hear me?

- Maybe he's asleep.
- Mmm.

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Hey, come on. Wake up.

- You've got to go now. Come on. Wake up.
- [Water Sloshing]

Mary, he doesn't seem to be breathing.

- Do you think he drowned in the toilet?
- Oh! Well, he's not breathing.

What do you think?

- [Gasps] He's dead!
- Oh, great!

- [Splash]
- What do we do now?

- I don't know! Call the police?
- Well, call the police!

Call the police!
Use the emergency number!

I hope they hurry.

Uh, hello. Officer, is this the police?

Yes, wh-who do I speak to
to report a murder?

Not a murder! An accidental death!

Uh, Officer, I'm sorry.
An accidental death.

- [Man Groans]
- [Paul] Guess what.

Uh, no, I think you have the wrong number.

- What are you gonna do with him?
- Help him find his party.

- [Chuckling]
- Come on.

Good luck.

[Sighs]

♪♪ [Disco]

- Twice? [Laughing]
- ♪♪ [Continues]

Welcome to paradise.

- I've got to go.
- Oh, come on. What's your hurry?

Look at this place.
It's like a free candy store.

And you can eat
any piece you can find.

- N-No, thank you.
I've really got to go now. My wife -
- Your wife?

Hey, come on.
How pussy-whipped can you get?

Look around. Look at her!
She's got eyes for you. She digs you.

- Really! Roger!
- [Whip Cracking]

She's your type too.

- [Woman] I've seen it many times before.
- [Man] Yeah.

But it's not the same one.

[Woman]
Look at what he's stirring his drink with!

How gross!

I really have to go.
We're having a friend for dinner.

- If I don't get back -
- Oh, why are you so uptight, huh?

Come on, you're just trying to prevent
yourself from having a good time...

from gettin' laid, from gettin' free.

Right. Uh, g-good night.

Hey.

[Whip Cracks]

- [Man] Whoa!
- [Guests Laughing, Cheering]

You look like you need discipline, slave.

I have to go. Really.
We're having a friend to dinner.

- Lick my boot, pig!
- [Laughter Continues]

[Door Closes]

Paul? James's office called.

He'll be here in 15 minutes.
He - [Gasps]

- Hello, baby.
- Where's Paul?

He's gettin' it on with the Marquise de Sade,
so I thought I'd get it on with you.

- What do you say?
- No, thank you.

"No, thank you"?
Is that all you're gonna say?

You're not even gonna help my ego by telling me
you got some weird pussy disease?

- You get out of here.
- Uh-uh. Aw, come on, honey!

Come on. Listen, don't be that way.

Look, underneath these expensive clothes
there's a real, lonely human being.

So come on!
Be nice to me! Be nice to me!

No!

♪♪ [Jazz, Faint]

- [Mary] No! Get off me!
- [Man Shouting]

Help! Paul! Help!

[Yelling]
Help! Paul!

- Help me! No! No!
- [Grunting, Laughing]

Get him off me, Paul!

[Yelling]

[Groans]

- [Man Groaning]
- Paul!

Paul! Stop it! You'll kill him!

You killed him!

- What?
- He's dead. He's really dead.

Oh, shit. That's all I need.

What are we gonna do now?
We can't call the police this time.

I don't know what we're gonna do.

Maybe we could take him out into the hallway
by the swingers' apartment...

and they'll think
that he fell down accidentally.

Mary, look at this. This guy is a junior officer
at the Bank of San Fernando.

He must have $600 here.

"Ed Folsley, Jr., Credit Card Division."

Do you suppose he's the one
that canceled our credit card?

- [Knocking]
- [Together, Gasping] James!

- What are we gonna say?
- Take the money and put that back
where you found it.

But, Mary, what if they
go through the wallet?

What if the police go through the wallet
and find the money missing?

You leave a little bit of the money,
and they don't mind!

- I don't want to leave any of the money!
- Paul!

Mary, this guy threw up on our carpet.

He canceled our InstaCash card.
He owes us at least $600!

- [James] Mary!
- Just a minute!

$600, Mary. Think of it. 600. That could buy
a lot of things. I'm not gonna put that back.

Okay, don't put the money back. Just go out there
and make sure James does not come in here.

- What am I gonna say to James?
- Give him a drink. Make small talk.

- I can't make small talk.
- You can. Now get out there and be calm.

[Sniffing]

Just talk to James
and don't let him come in.

[Sniffing]

Oh. Paul, hi. Uh, door was open.
I just came right in.

Are you and Mary having
a little, um, argument?

'Cause I heard some noise in the kitchen.
I thought perhaps you -

No. Um, she's just finishing dinner.

It'll be ready in a minute.

I was helping her pound the veal.

Veal? Veal's my favorite food.

But it's so expensive.
You shouldn't have gone to the trouble.

Oh, well, actually
the veal is for tomorrow night.

- We're having chicken.
- Oh.

Okay.

- Would you like a drink? I know I would.
- Yeah.

What can I get you?

Whiskey would be fine.

Whiskey...

would be fine.

Whiskey... would be fine.

He wants some whiskey.

Mary, we're both
going to end up in prison.

No, we're not.

We are going to end up in the country
with our own nice little restaurant.

None of this ever happened.

Now, you take this drink to James...

and dinner will be ready in five minutes.

Mary, I just killed a man.

He was a man, honey.

Now he's just a bag of garbage.

[Mary]
I can't imagine anything more perfect.

- What's the down payment?
- 20,000.

- In two weeks?
- Well, it's a great place.

It's gonna go pretty quick.

It's gonna get a taker.
I just hope it's you.

Well, look, I hate to eat and run...

but, uh, got a little homework
to catch up on at home, so -

- Let me know about the place as soon as you can.
- We will.

- You'll be hearing from us in a couple of days.
- Oh, good. Okay. Bye.

- Good night, James.
- Thanks for dinner.

- You're welcome.
- Good night. Bye.

Where are we gonna get $20,000?

Come on.
Help me take out the garbage.

[Thumping]

- [Thud]
- [Motor Starts]

- I was thinking about going to
the bank tomorrow for a loan.
- [Gears Meshing]

- [Crunching]
- [Motor Stops]

- What do you think?
- I guess it took him.

- No, I mean about the bank and the loan.
- What loan?

I was thinking about going to
the bank and getting a loan.

Here. No bank
is gonna loan us any $20,000.

No, I know that.

- But a bank might loan us 10,000.
- Mm-hmm.

And then we could sell
some of your wine collection.

- Sell some of my wine collection?
- Why not?

Mary, you know I've been
saving that wine for our restaurant.

But, honey, if we don't do something
there's not gonna be any restaurant.

Yeah.

What if you just sold a few
of the most expensive bottles?

A few? Like four?

- How about eight?
- Eight?

Well, okay. Six.

- Six?
- How much would that bring us?

Oh.

Six would bring us, oh, I don't know -

about 500 a bottle.

Mm-hmm. Oh, that's $3,000.

Paul, that would be such a help.

Yeah. 3,000.

Okay.

Paul and Mary Bland...

announce the opening
of their new restaurant.

[Chuckles]

Mary, if we call it the Country Kitchen...

can the specialty still be
the Bland Enchilada?

I hope so. It's the best thing I do.

Mmm.

Have to find the money
for the restaurant first.

Isn't this man from New York rich?

Well, he's staying at the Beverly Wilton.
He can't be broke.

Mmm.

Well, if he buys the wine...

and I get the loan from the bank...

perhaps maybe we can swing this.

- Paul?
- Yeah.

Where's my brush?

Oh, it's in the bureau, honey.

Oh.

- Paul?
- Yeah?

- What's this?
- What's what?

This card. "Doris the Dominatrix"?

"Discipline mild or severe,
as you require.

- Call for an appointment."
- Oh, that.

She's some madwoman
who attacks people with a whip.

- She was at that swingers party.
- She gave you a card?

She gave everybody her card.

That's disgusting.

Apparently a lot of swingers
enjoy that sort of thing.

I don't mind a little hugging and kissing.

- But that -
- Mmm.

- Mary.
- Mm-hmm.

What do you think makes them
go for that weird stuff?

- Are they crazy?
- They're sick.

This world is overflowing...

with millions of sexual freaks.

We're so lucky to have found each other.

I know. Good night, dear.

- Sweet dreams.
- [Kissing]

So, uh, how long will you be gone?

I don't know.
As long as it takes to apply for a loan.

You'll probably get it.
That dress sure shows off your collateral.

- Think so?
- Mm-hmm.

Thanks for covering for me, Sheila.

[Woman On P.A.] Clean-up crew,
you are needed in Intensive Care.

That was pretty nasty,
what you let that creep do to me yesterday.

Well, whatever it was,
it must have worked.

Yeah. They're letting me out.

Congratulations. Good-bye.

Not so fast.

Why don't you let me
buy you a drink or somethin'?

Forget it. Oh!

Oh. What are you doing? I have an
appointment. I'm gonna be late now.

Hey, I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to -

Wow.

Is this you?

- Doris the Dominatrix?
- That's right, buster.

I'm way out of your league, so stay away
from me or I'll hit you with my whip.

I thought you were
a lot more hip than you let on.

How 'bout telling me where she lives.

Oh, Mr. Baker, that's against regulations.

[Knocking]

Un moment!

♪♪ [Humming]

Ah, Mr. Bland.
How are you? I'm John Peck.

- How do you do?
- Ah, you brought them with. Good, good.

Why don't we put the little beauties down
here on the coffee table.

Yes, excellent.

Ah, a lovely year. Lovely.

- Are you hungry?
I was about to go to the restaurant.
- Oh.

We can leave these here.
No one will trouble them, I'm sure.

I'll buy you a little déjeuner and we can
haggle about price over the steak tartare.

It's not Jour Cinq, but I'm sure you'll
find the cuisine here quite palatable.

I'm often amazed in my travels -

Oh, I only want to sell six.

Six? Is that all?
Oh, well, that's too bad.

Well, I suppose one takes
what one can get in this life, eh?

[Chuckles]
Would you excuse me, please?

I have to cash some traveler's checks.

♪♪ [Classical]

Oh.

[Chattering]

Thank you.

Mrs. Bland.
Nice to see you. Please sit down.

I have your loan application right here.

Let's see. You and Mr. Bland wish to
purchase a restaurant out in Valencia.

Yes, that's right.

Have you or your husband
ever been in the, uh, rest -

Uh, no, but I've been
a nutritionist at General Parker...

and my husband's been a wine merchant
for several years now.

Uh, well, looking at you, Mrs. Bland...

I have no doubt in my mind that you would be
a success at anything you put your hand to.

[Chuckles]
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Leech.

I would relish the possibility of
becoming one of your clientele.

Both my husband and I would really
like you to come to our restaurant...

if we get it.

It was actually more your hospitality...

that I was thinking about, Mrs. Bland.

Your enthusiasm is very encouraging,
Mr. Leech.

Thank you, Mrs. Bland.

I'm feeling quite encouraged myself.

♪♪ [Classical]

♪♪ [Off]

- [Sighs]
- You through with this?

- Yes, I -
- Good. I'll go bury it.

[Sighs]

Mr. Peck?

[Burps]

Mrs. Bland, every weekend I give a party for
some of my more sexually liberated friends.

Many of them are bank customers
like yourself.

Could you come next weekend?
You can bring your husband, if you want to.

Oh, that's nice, but,
uh, it's getting late...

and I do have to get back to the hospital,
so if you would just -

I'd like to help you in every way I can,
Mrs. Bland...

but I have to be sure that you're going to
comply with all of the bank's wishes.

$10,000 is a great deal of money.

Mr. Leech, I'm sure the bank
has nothing to worry about.

It's gonna get everything
that's coming to it.

- It's just that the bank wants
to see what it's getting into.
- Oh, Mr. Leech! Please!

If I could just sort of poke around
in your safety deposit box -

- Stop it, you filthy pervert!
You're like everybody else!
- [Yelling]

- Mr. Leech!
- Are you all right, Mr. Leech?

I rejected this woman's loan application
on grounds of insufficient credit.

In desperation she made certain advances
to me, which I of course repulsed.

- You liar!
- Get her out of here, Thomas!

- Never mind about the police. She's just upset.
- Liar! Pervert! Hypocrite!

Rapist! Psycho! You - You swinger, you!

You're letting that woman go?

[Gasps]

Gosh, Mr. Leech, you're such a good man.

Thank you, Miss Adams.

Have I told you about the party
I'm giving this weekend?

- Paul?
- Yeah?

- He didn't buy -
- Buy?

He stole all six bottles.

- Did you get the loan?
- No.

The creep tried to put the make on me.

People are pigs.
How do they get away with it?

Why should they live so well when
good people like you and me get shafted?

I don't know. The next person who puts his
hands on me is gonna get shafted right back.

Mary, honey.

- What?
- My back hurts.

Would you walk on it for me?

Sure.

[Sighing]

[Cracking]

- Hiya, Doris!
- What are you doing here? Get out!

Don't panic. I didn't blow your cover
back at the hospital.

- Mary, who is this guy?
- Nobody. He's a patient from the hospital.

Nobody? I got money.
You want big bucks? I got 'em.

I don't mind paying cash for gash,
as long as it's class.

- [Gasping, Yelling]
- What the hell do you think you're doing?

- I didn't know you knew I was into rape fantasies.
- Get off her! Are you crazy?

I told you, man, I can't wait.
Now listen, buddy.

Don't worry about it. You can have her back
just as soon as I'm finished.

- [Banging]
- Dynamite! Oh!

- No!
- Yeah, yeah!

- [Mary Whimpering]
- [Baker] Charge!

Paul!
[Screaming]

Aha!

- Paul! Paul!
- Now, there's a nasty bitch!

You're gonna get so hot, you're gonna
burn a hole right through the couch.

- Get off me!
- Jesus!

[Grunting]

[Groaning]

[Clank]

[Groans]

Are you all right?

Goddamn swinger.

Dead.

Good.

Paul, there is nearly $500 here.

These swinger types
always seem to have money.

Well, now it's ours.
You want his watch?

Thanks.

Do you realize that we have made
almost $1,000 in two days, tax free?

Just by killing people.

Horrible, sex-crazed maniacs
that nobody in the world would miss.

I wonder how much we could make
if we really put our minds to it.

What do you mean?

This city is full of rich perverts.

If somehow we could get them
to come to the apartment -

But, Mary, why would they?
We'd have to lure them with -

Sex.

But... you wouldn't really have to -

- I mean, you wouldn't actually do anything.
- Of course not.

The minute they try anything dirty,
you pop them in the head...

and get rid of them,
like you did with this guy.

Mary, how would we contact them?

We don't know anything
about this swinger business.

Ask someone who does.

All of them read this?

- Isn't there something a little more, uh -
- Classier?

Nope. This paper covers the field
from the richest to the poorest.

If they're kinky,
they read the Hollywood Press.

Come on, honey! You like this!

[Mary]
You know, if you steam fresh vegetables...

and then puree them in a blender...

it would be better for your baby.

- Mary's a nutritionist.
- No kidding. Does that pay well?

About 450 after taxes.

Oh, honey, you'll make
a hell of a lot more in my racket.

- Are you gonna work with her?
- Uh - [Chuckles]

- [Stammering]
- Why not? You get the bi and gay trade that way.

And those people have
a lot of money, believe me.

[Burps]

- [Paul] I don't think -
- I understand.

Everybody's gotta make up his own mind
about where to draw the line.

I personally draw the line
at golden showers.

- Golden showers?
- [Babbling]

- Listen. Did you ever do any acting?
- I did some in high school.

Well, that's all it is, is acting.

Lick my sneakers, you little worm!

See what I mean? It's easy!

Lick my sneaker, you little worm.

- See? You're a natural.
- [Buzzer Buzzes]

That's my laundry. If I don't get it into
the dryer quickly, it'll wrinkle bad.

Was there anything else
you wanted to ask about?

- No, I think we've just about covered it.
- There's nothing to it.

Just remember to get the money up front.

And whatever they want to do,
stop if it draws blood.

I'll bet we could
get started on this for about $400.

We have to take out an ad first.

- Yeah. And I have to rent
a post office box someplace.
- Paul, we have a ticket!

No, it's just a flyer.

Wait, wait. What is it?

Some lock service that
puts in new locks cheap.

12.95.

When Mrs. Berkowitz was robbed,
it cost her $35 to put new locks in.

12.95 isn't a bad price.

Raoul's Lock and Key Service.

Raoul. Probably just got in
from Guadalajara.

- I think it's a good idea.
- What's a good idea?

Putting in new locks.

We don't want people wandering in
when we're bopping perverts.

Look, Mary. Our ad's out.

"We do anything."

- Well, that's certainly laying it on the line.
- [Chuckles]

"Whatever your sex fantasies,
from the ordinary to the most bizarre...

Carla and Nancy will accommodate you."

- Cute names.
- Well, what do you think?

Does that answer your question?

- All that in the box today?
- Mm-hmm.

Our first clients.

You go first.

[Clears Throat]
"Dear Mommy..."

Ugh.

"Here is an indecent picture of me."
[Groans]

"As you can see,
I have been a very bad boy...

and I hope you will
discipline me very severely.

Yours, Bobby R."

Well, he left a phone number.

Well, there's a phone.

Uh, hello. Is this Bobby R?

Well, this is your mother calling.
Cruel Carla.

Were you expecting my call?

[Whispering]
Insult him. Call him names.

Uh, yes, Bobby, you little worm.
I saw what you did...

and I'm going to teach you a lesson
that you're never gonna forget.

But it's gonna cost you a lot.
How much?

Um, it's - it's gonna cost -

[Whispering]
$300.

It's gonna cost you $300.

Yes.

Oh.
[Whispering] He said yes!

Uh - Uh - Address?

All right, I want you to come
to 525 Oxford Lane at 7:00.

And bring cash, you little jerk!

No checks and no credit cards!

Thank you.

Wow. Well -
[Chuckles]

- How'd I do?
- He's coming, isn't he?

- Yeah.
- Let's call another one.

I think we can do two a night.
Don't you?

- How about this guy for 9:00?
- Ecch!

Yeah, but he's got
a Beverly Hills address.

- See if he'll go 350.
- [Knocking On Door]

- Who could that be?
- I don't know.

Just a minute! Who is it?

- [Man] Lock service!
- Lock service?

Hello. Lock service.
You the lady of the house?

Yes. Uh, this is my husband here.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Okay, okay, let's take a look around here.

- You ain't got no back door?
- Uh, no. Why should that make a difference?

- This is the main point of entry.
- What other point would there be?

Someplace you would never think of,
like the windows.

- The windows?
- Oh, yeah. These thieves are very slick.

- But we're on the 5th floor.
There's no fire escape.
- [Chuckles]

- You think that'll stop them?
- Well, I just don't see how anybody could -

Look, I don't want to argue with you.

- Oh, yeah, it's a good thing you called me.
- [Both] Why?

'Cause any thief with half a brain
could open this lock...

with a plastic card or a flexible ruler.

- How?
- See?

- Oh, good heavens.
- And look.

- There's only four screws holding it in place.
- He's right.

One good kick and it would be gone.

- I could put in a new one
like I advertised for $20.
- It said 12.95 in your flyer.

- That was the old price.
- The old price?

- Everything's going up.
- Well, yeah, but -

- Hey, it's a nice place you got here.
- Well, thank you.

It would be a crime to let some punk burglar
break in and take all of your, uh -

- [Squeaking]
- You keep anything of value around here?

- No, nothing.
- Well, Paul, that's not true.

What about your wine collection?
My husband collects very good wine.

Oh, yeah? Is that worth much?

- Some of the bottles are worth $500.
- Mary!

Oh, yeah?

- Well, hey, you don't wanna
take a chance with that.
- No.

Besides, if anybody breaks through
one of my special locks...

I guarantee not only to replace the lock
but also the value of anything that is stolen.

- How often does that happen?
- [Chuckles] Never.

Listen, what about these windows?
Are these really a problem?

Uh, in most cases no.
Of course, there's always a chance.

How much would it cost
to have the windows fixed too?

- $800.
- Eight hun - What?

Well, you just can't put on locks.

You gotta put up bars, and you gotta wire
the windows to the central alarm system...

that activates the telephone signal
to the police.

Forget it.

Um, Mr. -

- Call me Raoul.
- M-Mr. Raoul.

Are you at all familiar with handcuffs?

Uh, once or twice. Why?

Well, how much would it cost
to put sets of handcuffs in the walls?

You wanna put handcuffs in your wall?

Yeah. Just as a decorative motif.

- Oh, well, never mind.
When can you do the locks?
- Hey, right now.

Trust me. You and your husband ain't gonna
spend another insecure night in this place.

[Mary] Mr. Rabbit said,
"Do you promise not to eat me?"

And Mrs. Fox said, "Give me $500."

[Toy Squeaks]

I've been very bad, haven't I, Mommy?

Are you gonna teach me a good lesson?
Are you gonna spank me?

Yes, you have been bad, Bobby,
and I am gonna spank you.

- No, hard.
- Ow!

So hard you won't be able
to sit down! Ever!

Like hell you will.
Screw you, Mommy, you hostile bitch.

Just a minute. I'll be back.

[Clattering]

What is taking you so long?

Can't you get him to do something to you?
Hit you? Anything!

- I can't hit him if he doesn't make me angry.
- Honestly, Paul.

[Clattering, Crashing]

I made a mess!

Look, Bobby, if you want Mommy
to discipline you...

you're going to have to do
what Mommy likes.

Oh, yes, Bobby. Mommy likes that.

Oh! Don't bite me there, Bobby!
Oh, Bobby, please, no!

[Gasping] Bobby! Stop, stop!
I can't stand it! Please! You're hurting me!

Bobby, don't bite me there!

No! Please!
[Screaming]

- [Clank]
- Where'd he get you?

He didn't get me.
I was pretending to get you out here.

- [Sighs]
- [Sighs]

This may turn out to be
harder than we thought.

[Man, German Accent]
Very well, Fräulein! I ask you again!

And if I do not get an answer,
you will force me to give you pain.

Where are they hiding?

What? You still have no memory?

Oh, I don't know why it is...

- that I feel so merciful today.
- [Toy Squeaks]

Fräulein, perhaps...

it is because you look...

so innocent, so respectful of me.

Or perhaps it is because...

I know that the more
you wait for the pain...

the more you will enjoy the pain.

Even now...

these creamy white shoulders...

are aching for the lash.

I will never tell you where they are,
you filthy Nazi pig.

- [Spits]
- [Groans]

[Sighs, Groaning]

So...

you want to play rough, do you?

I will show you rough.

[Groans]

Oh, what an ordeal.

I thought he would never stop talking.

Nobody can say we don't earn this money.

A check!
I told him not to bring a check!

After this no more actors. Okay?

Why don't you go to bed, honey?

- I'll bag the Nazi
and straighten up around here.
- Okay.

I'll see you in a little while.
Good night.

[Ticking]

[Wolf Howling]

- Paul, where's the money?
- I don't know. Isn't it here?

- Did you take it into the bedroom?
- Of course I -

Shh! Somebody's in here.

[Paul]
They're in the kitchen. Come on.

The lock man.

I should have known
it was too cheap to be true. Okay, Raoul -

- If that's your name.
- Give us the money back.

- What money?
- The money you took from
the other room. Give it back.

Why? Is it yours?

- [Mary] Of course it's ours.
- Maybe it belongs to that vato in the bag.

- We didn't kill him.
- That was an accident.

And the other one?

- That was another accident -
- That was the strangest thing -

- What happened?
- The gas from the kitchen -

He was hit by lightning -
[Whispering] Paul!

You know what I think?
I think you killed these people.

And I don't think you want
the police to know about it.

What if we did kill 'em?
What makes you think we won't kill you?

- Yeah.
- You can try.

- But I'm willing to make a deal -
- We're not giving up any of that money.

Why should we give up any of it?
We had to kill two people to get it.

- You killed two people
for less than a thousand dollars?
- One of them shortchanged us.

That seems like a lot of work
for not so much money.

As a matter of fact, it was easy.

We lured those people here
with an ad in the Hollywood Press...

and then I hit them
over the head with this.

- The Hollywood Press?
- That's right. This is Naughty Nancy.

- No!
- And Cruel Carla.

No! I don't believe it.

- You don't believe it?
- Show him the ad.

Come here.

There, on the table.

Oh, man, that's fantastic.

You know...

I was gonna answer that ad myself.

I gotta hand it to you.
You guys got a very original scam going here.

Well, it was mostly Mary's idea.

Paul's just being modest.

It is so sweet to see such
a loving couple as yourselves.

- Now about this proposition -
- We're not interested.

CáImate, cabrón.

You want the money?
I'll give you back the money.

All I want is the cadavers.

- The what?
- The bodies.

What do you want them for?

That's my business.
But I'm gonna split it with you 50-50.

You take the cash,
you give me everything else.

We're gonna make a nice profit.
$200, $300 for each of us.

- That's ridiculous. Those -
- It's a deal.

Just think. No more trash compactor.

Mary, how do we know
he won't just go to the police?

Yeah, right, pendejo.
I'm a fuckin' professional thief, man.

Well, all right.

We'll give you the two bodies
we have on hand at the moment.

You see what you can do with them. Then,
in a few days, if you bring back the money...

we'll have some more for you.

- Now, do we get the cash back?
- But of course.

[Frying Pan Clangs]

[Paul Grunts]
Well, that was easy.

[Mary Groans]
Maybe for you.

Watch out for his sword.

This costume is so hot.

Yeah? Well, for $400
you could be Humpty-Dumpty.

Believe me, I'm not complaining.

- [Knocking]
- Who is it?

- It's me, Raoul.
- [Nose Squeaking]

- Did you bring the money?
- Come on. Let me in.

- What is she supposed to be?
- A cartoon mouse.

Man, I hate to see a beautiful woman
degraded like that.

Yeah, well, we don't
choose these fantasies. They do.

Come on.
Help me get this guy in the bag.

Excuse me.

Well, let's have it, Raoul. How much cash
did you get for those two stiffs we advanced?

$1,400.

- That makes your share $700.
- [Mary Gasps]

Raoul, that's wonderful.

That ring that one guy had -
That must have been worth quite a lot, huh?

Gold-plate and cut glass?
Worth maybe $20, $30.

I could have told you
that ring wasn't worth anything.

How much does the King
pay for, like, raw material?

- Fifty cents a pound.
- Fifty cents a pound?

All right, man.

Tomorrow night, I'm gonna bring you,
like, 400 or 500 pounds.

Hey, I don't know, man. I don't like to
fuck around with the King. It's my job, you know.

Hey, I don't shit where I eat.

Ah. Yeah. I know what you mean.

Okay, listen, man.
I'm gonna take care of you.

You want a 30-inch color TV?
You got it.

But you gotta take this stuff from me.
It's perfect for the King, man.

- It's fresh.
- No, man. Forget the TV. I need wheels.

- Is that all you need is wheels, ese?
- Yeah.

IPues órale!

I'm gonna get you
some fine-looking wheels. All right?

All right!

♪♪ [Speakers: Rock]

That hippie guy's not gonna show up.

We've thrown away $70 on this light show.

- Who's the 9:00?
- Some sickie with a Great Dane.

- A Great Dane?
- $500.

Oh. Do we have to kill the dog too?

Probably. It might lead somebody
back here otherwise.

Why don't we give the dog
to Raoul as a present?

Sorry. It was just a thought.

- Are you hungry?
- I'm starving.

Me too. I'm gonna go to the store
and get something.

- Chicken all right?
- Yes, but go to Ralph's.
I just like their produce better.

Okay.

- Oh, and, Paul -
- Yeah?

Do you think you could buy
another frying pan?

I'm just a little squeamish about cooking
in the one we're using to kill people.

Yeah, sure.

[Door Closes]

♪♪ [Continues]

- [Knocking]
- What'd you do, forget your keys?

[Sighs]
Oh -

- Hey, baby. Groovy outfit.
- Oh.

- You're late, so -
- Oh, I can't be late. Time is all relative.

Wait a minute. I'm peaking. I'm peaking.
The music is The Dead.

- The incense, coconut. [Chuckles]
- I'm afraid that there's been -

Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid.
Fear is a mind trap, baby.

What we fear is the past becoming
the future. What we really have is now.

There's been some mistake,
and so if you -

Oh, I know the mistake.
I see. You want me to cool you out -

- No.
- And make you less uptight.

Okay. I know how to do that. Little Thai stick.
You guys like Thai sticks, huh?

No. I don't want any Thai stick, and I don't
want to get cooled out, whatever that means.

I would just like you to leave now and -

Okay. You're bumming me out.
I'm trying to play ball with you here.

I'm trying to play the game.
I'm trying your lingo. I'm trying your jargon.

- But you're making me upti -
You think I'm an uncool dude?
- No.

- An unhip daddy?
- No.

Think just 'cause I got
a Ronson lighter...

maybe a couple credit cards,
I'm an uncool dude?

- No.
- Tell you something.
I've been to hell and back, bitch.

Yeah. While you were sitting at home
watching Captain Kangaroo
and munching on Cocoa Puffs -

- I don't have a TV.
- I was in 'Nam defending your ass, huh?

Oh, but I'm not hip enough for you. No.

- I didn't know that you hippie
broads wore underwear, huh?
- It's a costume!

- Oh, sure it's a costume.
- Get off me!

Oh, look out.
Here comes the duke now!

Get off me!

[Groans]

♪♪ [Continues]

Hijo.

Look at this.

How much?

Alot, chiquita.

Mucho dinero.

♪♪ [Continues]

Does that make you feel better?

You feel comfortable now?

Hey, look.

- It's Thai stick.
- What is that stuff?

You never had Thai?

No. Is it good?

Oh, it's the best.

- Try some. It'll make you feel real good.
- No.

Just inhale it real deep and hold it.

[Coughing]

- I can't.
- That's okay. Try it again.

Is it good?

Mmm. It makes me feel funny.

- I feel warm.
- Mmm. Yeah.

Like your blood has fire in it.

I think I should get dressed now.

You should be dressed.

Only in the most beautiful furs.

The finest silk next to your fine body.

I have to get up.

You should have servants
to massage you, pamper you.

A sexy woman like you
should always be relaxed.

- Like a beautiful -
- Mmm.

Rich...

purring... cat.

The lights. Turn out the lights.

♪♪ [Continues]

I got kind of carried away, honey. I -

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, it's a good thing he came when he did.

If it wasn't for Raoul,
this creep would have raped me.

This the guy we thought wouldn't show up?

- I had to strangle him with his own beads.
- You did, huh?

Well, thanks.
How much money did he have on him?

- $700.
- And here's 300 from the last one.

Oh. Ow.

- [Chuckles]
- That's friction from the rug.

It makes an electrical charge.

Well, Paul, I'd say this has been
a pretty profitable evening for you, huh?

- Yeah. Not bad.
- I better be going.

- Yeah.
- I'll see you guys tomorrow night.

- Can you manage him?
- "Vayos" con Dios.

[Door Closes]

Vayos con Dios?

He's teaching you Spanish now?

That way he can talk to you
behind my back?

Don't be silly, Paul. Everybody knows
what vayos con Dios means.

Yeah. How come there's only $900 here?

I gave 100 to Raoul.
After all, he did kill him.

I suppose he earned it. I don't know, Mary.
I just don't trust that guy.

Paul, you act as if we're lovers
or something.

- What time's the next one due?
- 9:00.

Would you knock him off really quickly?
I'm kind of tired.

You're sure you wouldn't rather
have Raoul come back and do it?

- [Knocking]
- There he is. What do I look like?

Great.

Bow, wow, wow.

[Panting]

Oh, great. Trigger likes you already.

[P. A: Chime]

[Woman On P.A.]
Attention all male nurses.

- Excuse me.
- Your dance is canceled for this evening.

I got an appointment
to see Mrs. Bland, the nurse.

- It's for an examination.
- A physical examination?

Yeah. I think I got T.B. Or somethin'.

You'll find Mrs. Bland down the hall
and to your left, room 145.

[Woman On P.A.]
Attention all male nurses.

Your dance is canceled for this evening.

[Knocking]

Come in.

The nurse at the desk
gave me a funny look when I asked for you.

Never mind her.
Take off your shirt.

What for?

Because I want it to look as though
I'm examining you if anybody comes in.

You want me to take off my pants too?

- Raoul.
- And then maybe you'd like me
to take off your pants.

Raoul, I agreed to see you because...

I think that we should discuss
what happened the other night.

Yeah.

That's all I've been thinkin' about
for three days.

It was a mistake. That's all.

I don't want you to think
that it could ever happen again.

I'm not about to risk my marriage
for the sake of some low animal attraction.

What risk?
Your husband's never gonna know.

Yes, he will.

We know each other too well.

- He can sense when something's different.
- Maybe you're right.

Maybe we should go to your husband
and tell him everything.

- Are you crazy?
- Yeah, I'm crazy!

About you, chiquita.

I don't care about your husband.
I don't care about the money.

- I don't care about nothin' but you.
- That's ridiculous.

You don't understand
who you're dealing with.

I'm a hot-blooded,
emotional, crazy Chicano!

I think you're
a calculating little bastard.

Bastard?

All right then. I'm gonna go to your husband,
and I'm gonna tell him everything.

And then we'll have to
fight for you man-to-man.

A man in love will do anything,
and I am a man in love.

And I think you're a little bit
in love with me too, huh?

[Laughs]
Don't be silly.

That's nonsense.
I'm not in love with you.

I was confused that night
because of that cigarette that you gave me.

You'll like it even better
the second time.

If I'm wrong...

I'll never bother you again.

Is it a deal?

You'll say nothing to Paul?

I promise. Come on, chiquita.

I want to make love to you.

Well, just this once, but...

as long as you turn out the lights.

Any way you like it.
And I know you're gonna like it.

Here.

You remember the way
I taught you to smoke this?

I think so.

Oh, baby, I'm gonna drive you crazy.

- Have you seen Mary?
- Not for a half hour or so. Why?

It's past 1:00, and there's a whole ward
that hasn't had its lunch yet.

Uh, hold down the desk for a while.
I'll see if I can scare her up.

Well, make it snappy, 'cause those amputees
get awfully mean if they don't get their grub.

[Men Groaning]

This was very wrong.

You didn't think that a little while ago.

- Then you didn't want to stop.
- [Knocking]

Mary, if you've finished your examination,
you're wanted in "B" Ward.

Oh, my God. It's after 1:00.

- [Wolf Whistle]
- Huh?

Shush! Someone's gonna hear you.

- You know, chiquita?
- Hmm?

You and me could
make each other very happy...

and very rich...
if it wasn't for your husband.

It is only because of my husband
that I'm here in the first place.

If he excited you the way I do,
you wouldn't even be with me.

Paul and I have been together for 10 years.
Our marriage is based on something...

much more important than sex.

- Like what?
- Like friendship and security.

There would be more security for both of us
if we split the money two ways instead of three.

- You are crazy.
- What would you do if -

just supposing now -
if something were to... happen to Paul?

Would you continue
to do business with me?

Nothing is going to happen to Paul.

No. No, nothing's gonna happen to Paul.

But you never know.

[Man]
Yeah, baby.

[Woman Screams]

What do you want?

[Clears Throat] I'd like a vibrator,
please, and a pair of handcuffs.

- Get him out of here. He's not 18.
- Hey, man. Come on. I'm 18.

- Get him out of here!
- Aw, come on. Give me the magazine back.

- [Man] Let's go. Out of the store, kid.
- Shit.

And a... ring.

And a what?

- A cock ring.
- Oh, a cock ring. What size?

Hey. Did you get the latest
issue of Nuns and Nazis?

Tuesday.

- What size?
- Uh, medium, I suppose.

- Is it for you?
- Medium will be fine.

Sure. Okay. Your vibrators
start at 10.95 and go up.

We've got the Salami,
the Man-O-War and Alien.

Just give me the cheapest one.

Wait a minute.
There's nothing cheap about my store.

You mean inexpensive, don't you?

- Isn't that what you meant?
- Uh, yes.

That's what I thought you meant.
You want a cheap pair of handcuffs too?

Yes.

All right. You're gonna need
some lubricant for this vibrator.

- We've got K-Y and Lay-Orgy gel.
- [Man Sneezes]

Hey, you taste it,
you're gonna buy it, all right?

The Lay-Orgy gel comes
in lemon, mint, cherry or trail mix.

- Trail mix?
- I was making a joke.

Just these three items will be fine.

You know, you're probably
gonna need some stay-hard roll-on.

- No, thank you.
- Some titty lube?

- No.
- China Shrink Cream?

- No.
- Ben Wa Dancing Egg?

Just these three items will be fine.

Okay, hot rod. It comes to $19.50.

But I'm tellin' ya, you're gonna need
a lubricant for this vibrator.

Unless your date's inflatable. Ha!

For your information, I am buying this
to use as a novelty cocktail stirrer.

Sure!

Paul, nobody is trying to kill you.

We're the ones who are killing people.

Twice he tried to run me down,
the rotten little beaner.

- What rotten little beaner?
- Guess.

Paul, did you actually
see Raoul driving the car?

No, he was wearing
some kind of ski mask or something.

You said it was a Toyota.
Have you ever seen Raoul in a Toyota?

Well, maybe he borrowed it. How do I know?
Maybe he stole it. It was definitely him.

Paul, I think you're jumping to conclusions,
and I don't want to discuss it anymore.

Now why don't you help me
with these letters?

What's a basket job?

♪♪ [Rock]

♪♪ [Man Singing In Spanish]

♪♪ [Continues]

[No Audible Dialogue]

♪♪ [Continues]

[No Audible Dialogue]

♪♪ [Rock]

[Raoul]
Hey, I thought you said 50 cents a pound.

That's for trimmed, man.
For this stuff, you're lucky to get 30.

Hey, all right.
I should have trimmed it. You're right.

All right, man.
We got some driving to do. Let's go.

- Dog food?
- Doggie King brand.

[Chuckles] Oh, well. So what? Who cares?
As long as we get our cut.

Mary, what if somebody recognizes
a piece of clothing or jewelry?

- That's not likely.
- What if somebody finds out...

what the night crew at Doggie King
is feeding into their grinder?

I am sure that Raoul
knows what he's doing.

I'll say he does. You know where
he's getting most of the money?

- From the cars.
- Cars?

The cars. Something we never thought of.

He takes the car keys
out of those people's pockets...

and then he figures out which of the cars
parked downstairs belong to them...

and then he sells the cars
for a lot of money -

a lot more than he's splitting with us.

I don't believe you.

Mary, he's making thousands
of dollars from those cars.

- Nonsense.
- We'll see if it's nonsense when
I confront him with it tonight.

Listen to me, Paul. In a couple of weeks
we will have everything we wanted.

- Until then, what is the point of making trouble?
- I'll tell you what's the point.

That son of a bitch is making a play for my wife
and trying to kill me. That's the point.

- [Slams]
- [Gasps] Oh, my God. My 9:00.

- [Knocking]
- [Man] Hello?

Just a minute.

- [Knocking]
- Huh?
- Just a minute.

Keep your shirt on.

- Vayos con Dios indeed.
- [Knocking]

- [Man] Paula?
- I said just a minute.

Paul, I can't find the pants
to this costume. I'm -

- [Knocking]
- I'm coming.

- [Man] Oh, Paula!
- Fuck the costume.

[Chorus]
♪ Doggie King ♪

- [Boy] Mmm!
- Your Majesty, this is delicious.

- Really!
- [Chuckles]

Nothing but the finest
for me and my best friends.

♪ What makes doggies happy? ♪

- ♪ It's a simple thing ♪
- [Doorbell Rings]

- [Baby Talk]
- [Door Opens]

Well, what a surprise.

I hope you don't mind
my dropping in like this.

Of course not.
Please forgive the condition of the house.

Frank had some old army buddies
in last night, and -

- Please. [Chuckles]
- Well -

So, how's it going?

Great. Of course -
[Chuckles]

It is a mixed bag.
Some of those people that come to us -

- Pretty gross, huh?
- It's not just that.

Some of them are into fantasies that
require a great deal of acting ability...

and while Mary has gotten a whole lot
better in the last few weeks...

there's one situation where I'm afraid -

- You need a pro.
- Exactly.

Mary doesn't know anything
about this, of course.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
You understand.

Of course.
So, what's the deal? Full costume?

Yes.

But not the type you're used to.

[Doris]
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[Coin Clinks]

Do you believe in the sixth sense?

- I think I gave you over a dollar.
- No, no, no, no.

The sixth sense.
Some blind people have it. I have it.

- May I sit down?
- Yeah. Go ahead.

- [Thuds]
- [Gasps]

You have been very wicked,
and you are in terrible danger.

So is everybody who eats here.
[Chuckles]

You have been earning money
from an evil undertaking...

and if you keep it up,
you will burn for all eternity in hell.

Hey, sister. I'm in hell right now.

That money's gonna help get me out.

[Coin Clinks]

That money is gonna bring
a curse down on you!

You'll have more bad luck
than you ever dreamed possible!

Not religious, huh?

Doris, when we get through with him, he'll
be happy to clean the latrines at a leper colony.

Unleash the border patrol.

[Footsteps Approaching]

[Doris]
Mr. Raoul Mendoza?

Maybe.

I'm with the lmmigration Department.
May I see your green card, please?

I'll see you later, man.

Green card? What are you talking about?
I ain't no wetback.

According to our information...

your birth certificate is a forgery.

- You got the wrong Mendoza, baby.
- Sure, all you vatos say that.

Hey, you don't scare me any.
This is all talk.

Oh, yeah? Well, you better get
while the getting's good.

This time tomorrow I'm gonna have
enough on you to drop-kick your ass...

back over the Rio Grande.

Hasta la vista, cholo.

Nervous and flustered, eh? But you don't see him
jumping on the next plane for Mexico City?

Okay, we better escalate to plan "C."

[Doorbell Rings]

- Who is it?
- [Doris] Health inspector.

Hi. Mr. Raoul Mendoza?

¿Cómo está usted?

I'm Sally Cummings
from the L.A. Health Department...

and I've been sent here by the city to warn
everyone on your socioeconomic level...

about an epidemic of a new kind
of venereal disease.

Hey, lady.
Don't worry about me. I'm clean.

Of course you are.

Just look on this as a free checkup.

- You want me to strip?
- No, just open your mouth.

Okay.

Mm-hmm. Fine.

Now, breathe deeply.

[Inhales, Exhales Deeply]

Uh-huh. Have you had any headaches,
earaches or persistent sores?

Only when I skip foreplay.

[Chuckles]
Very funny. Now, let me see your eyes.

Uh-huh. You've got it!

But don't worry. It can be controlled.

Here. Just take two of these
each time you have sexual relations.

- Before or after?
- Before.

Well, you better give me
about five of these.

I'm a guy that really likes to party.
You know what I mean?

Now make sure you take those.
Otherwise...

we can't be responsible
for the consequences.

You wouldn't want to end up like this.

- IChingao!
- What's wrong?

[Exhales]

I better take some more of these pills.

What pills?

Oh, you know,
they're, uh - they're like vitamins.

- Damn. I can't get the top off.
- Here. Let me.

You better give me two of 'em.

- Who gave these to you?
- A nurse. Why?

They don't look like vitamins. Hmm.

[Groans]
These are saltpeter.

That's what they give little kids in camp
so they don't play with themselves.

- What?
- If you want to force me to make love to you...

you better not take any more of these.

Son of a bitch!

- Your husband did this.
- [Chuckles] Did what?

God, he's fixed it
so I can't make love to you.

- [Mary] Scalpel.
- [Paul] Scalpel.

- Suture.
- Suture.

- Frying pan.
- [Clangs]

[Sighs]

Well, there's one consideration.

If you'd done what he'd asked,
he would have died anyway.

The funny thing is
is that he is a real doctor.

I recognize him from the hospital.
What a world.

[Phone Rings]

Hello? James. Nice of you to call.

Yes. Of course
we're still interested in the house.

They have.

Oh, they are.

No. We'll just see what we can do.

Okay. Thank you, James.

Bye.

Don't tell me.
There's been another offer on our house?

We have to come up
with $25,000 by Friday...

or another couple is gonna take the place
and turn it into a clinic for rich, fat people.

Nobody is getting that house but us.

- We'll just have to speed up production.
- Speed up production?

Mm-hmm.

- What about that ritzy swingers party
Doris is going to tonight?
- The one with the hot tub.

[Doorbell Rings]

Hi, swingers. I'm Howard Swine...

your horny host
that's hung with the most.

Though I hate to boast,
I'm big as a post and warm as toast!

Cool it, Howard. Those are all the things
he couldn't say on the radio...

so now he's making up
for lost time - constantly.

I'm so glad you decided to come.

I come whether I decide to or not.

Uh, great, Howard.
Uh, why don't you go now?

Hey. You can't fluff me off like that.

I'm your host -
your horny host that's hung with the most.

Though I hate to boast,
I'm big as a post and warm as toast!

I knew this party
would be full of assholes.

It's Doris!

Oh, beat me, Doris! Work me!
Make me write bad checks!

- [Man] Cash his check!
- Scum!

- You better beg for mercy.
- [Woman] Give him hell!

Harder. Harder!
[Farts]

- [Groans]
- [Crowd Laughing]

All these bozos have to pretend like
it's all a joke in front of their friends.

- But half of them will
look me up for real next week.
- [Men] Go, go, go.

He'll be back for more.
Happy hunting.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go...

go, go, go, go, go, go!

- [Man] Oh, my. Is she all right?
- [Man #2] What happened?

- To fine food.
- And great wine.

[Groans]
Mountain Brook!

- [Man] Just be as honest with me as you can.
- [Woman] Okay. You're a creep.

[Man Chuckles]
All right. Now let me rephrase that.

Hi. My name is Susan. What's yours?

Uh, I'm Paul, and this is my wife, Mary.

Well, I'm very pleased
to make your acquaintance.

I was just saying
to my husband Moose over there...

you're a highly unusual looking couple.

We were wondering if you'd like to
get together with us and have a little fun.

Uh, what did you have in mind?

Ooh, gee, we're up for about anything.

You see, we're both bi,
so we can go either way.

But actually, we do like straight sex.

Uh, Moose is into voyeurism...

and I'm into exhibitionism.
[Giggles]

Oh, we like B&D, but we don't like S&M.

We met at the A&P.

Oh!
[Giggles] Oh!

But we don't like labels.

Speaking of labels,
that's a marvelous outfit you have on.

Did you get it at Saks?

Saks?
[Giggles]

Oh, no.
I got the whole thing at Penney's.

Very nice of you to ask us,
but we're actually into Saint Bernards.

Oh, really?

Wow.

Well, see you around.

Moose, honey, they're into doggies.

- Dogs?
- They're at the right party.

Oh, but look. There are two Guccis
coming on to a Pierre Cardin. Let's go.

Mary, if I'm really gonna throw myself
into this, I need a stiff drink.

- Can I get you one?
- Oh, no. I think I'll check out the ladies' room.

- Meet you back here.
- Okay.
- [Man] The chick was so fat...

the whole thing just tore loose
from the ceiling and almost killed me.

- Some basket job.
- [Woman] Yeah? Well, you get what you pay for.

[Man]
In Tijuana?

[Groans]

[Woman Slurping]

[Gulps]

Mrs. Bland. Fancy meeting you here.

Not so, uh, old-fashioned
as you pretended after all, huh?

- Excuse me, Mr. Leech.
- You know, that little scene...

you played the other day
in my office really turned me on.

You've no idea. I kept wondering
what the passion was like...

with the hair down and the clothes off.

And now, I am going to
find out for myself.

[Groaning]

Where are the ludes?
[Sighs]

[Clears Throat]

- ♪♪ [Speakers: Rock]
- [Man: Tarzan Yell]

Hold it up. Hold the bitch up.

[Whipcrack]

[Doris]
Okay, you two. Mush!

Good night, Doris!

[Both Barking]

- Paul.
- Oh, there you are. I was
wondering what happened to you.

Paul, we have to get out of here.
We have to go now.

You two don't seem to be joining
in the fun and games.

- Do you have V.D., or are you here as tourists?
- Neither.

What is your scene anyway?

We invite swingers to our place
and then murder them for their money.

- [Laughs]
- [Laughing]

Great, man.

Have you lost your mind?
Why did you say that?

Oh, why not? He's forgotten already.

Paul, you're getting drunk.

- [Woman Moaning]
- Paul, I just killed Mr. Leech.

You know, Mr. Leech from the bank.

Yeah? Well, I just stepped on
Mr. Snail from the garden.

No, Paul. I'm not joking.
He came on to me in the bathroom...

and I killed him with a rattail comb.

Sounds messy.
Did he have a lot on him?

Yes, but I couldn't get it.
I had to throw him out the window.

- Out the window?
- Yes. Here.

But - Is that him?

Come on. We can get that money.

Come on. Come on, everybody.
It's hot tub time!

Come on! Come on, everybody!
Out of your clothes and into the tub!

In the tub!

[Woman]
Last one in is a lousy lay!

[All Chattering]

[Dog Barking]

Hey! You two spoilsports.

What are you doing
over there by the fence?

None of your damn business!

I'm the host here, goddamn it. Now get out
of your clothes and get into the hot tub...

- or get the hell out!
- [All] Yeah!

We don't want any wet blankets
or spoilsports at this party.

- We're here to swing, aren't we, kids?
- [Cheering]

Oh, yeah? Well, swing on this.

Okay, that's 3,000 there. This is 429.

And this is - Oh. One, two, three -

Hello? One-Way Auto?

Do you have one of those
double-decker car carriers?

Well, bring it over to 1510 Blue Jay Way.

We've got a bonanza for you.

♪♪ [Up-tempo R&B]

- [Chorus] ♪ Give me the cash, Jack ♪
- [Man] ♪ No money back ♪

- ♪ Give me the green, Gene ♪
- [Man] ♪ No in-between ♪

♪ Give me those dollars, don't you holler
That's your money, honey ♪

♪ That's what I need ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

- [Chorus] ♪ Give me the cash, Jack ♪
- [Man] ♪ No money back ♪

- ♪ Give me the green, Gene ♪
- [Man] ♪ No in-between ♪

♪ Ain't content without the rent ♪

♪ And as I said again
I need the loot ♪

♪ Yes, I do ♪

- [Chorus] ♪ Give me the cash, Jack ♪
- [Man] ♪ No money back ♪

- ♪ Give me the green, Gene ♪
- [Man] ♪ No in-between ♪

♪ I want to hold
some of that gold ♪

♪ And live a style well and fine ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

[Chorus]
♪ Give me the cash, Jack ♪

[Man]
♪ No money back ♪

- ♪ Give me the green, Gene ♪
- [Man] ♪ No in-between ♪♪

Oh, I can't believe it.
$40,000 in one night.

Yeah. Tomorrow we can call James,
move in to Paul and Mary's Country Kitchen.

Hey. Did you leave
the light on in the bedroom?

Paul, have you been drinking?
Where did you ge -

So, not only do you try to
make me into a big maricón...

but you sell cars behind my back
and don't even give me a cut.

Don't worry, chiquita.

The time has come to liberate you
from this husband of yours.

- Listen, Raoul -
- Shut up!

You're gonna dump me, huh?

Well, Mary and me
are gonna dump you, ese.

Just when you get
this business going great...

you want to take
this beautiful, sexy woman...

and stick her in some country kitchen
and make her sweat for you?

What an asshole.

- And she's such a lady
that she don't even complain.
- Raoul -

Keep cool, baby. I know what I'm doing.

I got ambition.

We're gonna expand this business...

bring in some real sexy
younger girls to dress up...

instead of my wife,
who's gonna be too busy having my kids.

And while she's busy having your children,
the young sexy ones -

[Raoul]
Shut up!

- Chiquita.
- Yeah?

Go bring me that frying pan.
Hurry up.

Mary!

And we're gonna move into a place
that's real class.

Red velvet wallpaper...

gold lamps...

and those real good
black velvet paintings.

No cheap stuff.

I can't find it.

Come on.

- [Frying Pan Clangs]
- [Thuds]

Damn kids broke the compactor.
Must have put bottles in it or something.

- Paul, what are we gonna do about Raoul?
- Oh, don't worry about him.

- Don't worry about him?
- I'll drop him off at Doggie King.

Oh, Paul, would - would you mind not
dropping him off at the dog food center?

- Getting sentimental, Mary?
- No.

Paul, there's something I never told you.

Raoul and I, uh -

- I know.
- No.

- I know.
- Oh, no, Paul. You don't know, because he-he -

You see, what happened
is he forced me to smoke this drug...

and then he raped me.

And then he told me that if I didn't
continue to have relations with him...

that he was gonna tell you,
and I couldn't let anyone hurt you.

- And so we continued -
- He deserved everything he got...

but that's all over now, okay?

Look. In an hour or so, we're gonna sign
the papers, give James the money -

- James! Paul, I forgot all about James.
- We promised him dinner -

- I know.
- And he's gonna be here in 45 minutes.

I'll go to the store and get something.

The store? You can't go to the store.
You don't have time.

Paul, we've got to improvise something.

You know, it's times like these,
when I see two great people...

like you and Mary
get the house of your dreams...

well, my job becomes something more than
just a thing you do from 9:00 to 5:00.

That's very kind of you, James.

Oh, listen. I mean it. Really.

I think it's great
that you made it without...

knocking other people aside to get there.

That's a real compliment,
coming from a real estate dealer.

Maybe I ought to be a wine seller.

I didn't know there was so much money
selling those things door-to-door.

- [Paul Gagging]
- Are you all right?

Boy, is this stuff terrific.

Well, I hope you make this
a permanent item on your menu.

It's French.

No, actually, it's more Spanish.

Mmm! It's so tender.

Yeah. I know.

It's amazing what you can do with a cheap
piece of meat if you know how to treat it.

- And, of course, the right wine always helps.
- [Chuckles]

I'll drink to that.

- ♪♪ [Jazz: Tenor]
- [Man] ♪ Now I know why Mother ♪

♪ Taught me to be true ♪

♪ She meant me for someone ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪♪