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♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Omar ♪

Whoo!

That's it, that's it, that's lovely. I want to get the three of you.

Am I holding this thing upside down?

- Make sure you get the cake. - Right, okay.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

Happy birthday, Omar!

Happy birthday!

Dear Omar, I must confess to knowing more

about your father than I ever let on.

Your mother was young and impetuous when she met him,

but despite her tender years,

she cared for you with great maturity.

I've left all you'll need should you wish to find

your real dad one day.

Be strong, Omar and look after your brother.

I'll always love ya, Gran.

- Hello, Peter. Hello - Hiya.

Oh, it's like climbing Everest.

- Do you want Ken to carry you? - No, no, I should be fine...

- You sure? - From here. Hiya.

Welcome, welcome.

Oh, bless you, come on in.

- This is it, this is you. - Yeah.

Shut the door.

So, this is your room, Peter.

We've had the bathroom through there fitted with a special shower.

Oh great, cheers.

Least we can do, with your...

Leg situation.

Mmm, no, don't.

Oh, nice one, a foot spa.

- Yes, yes. - Yes.

Oh, and there are plenty of fresh clothes in here.

In the wardrobe, got some nice shirts,

jumpers and some pants, and some socks,

and some of my old loafers, there.

This is great.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Well, I mean, really, what we want is for you to be,

after all you've been through with everything um, to be happy.

- Be happy. - Happy.

Well, we want you both to be happy.

Well, hopefully, we can offer you a bit of stability.

Oh, you look so like your dad.

Stop it, isn't he?

- So like his dad. - He's not fallen far from the tree, has he?

No, not really.

You know, he tried ever so hard, your dad to try and,

you know, make everything sort of work

after that whole...

With the, well, anyway, its...

Well, there's probably not much point in dredging up the old...

No, I'm not dredging anything up, I'm just saying.

Oh, would you like me to take that for you, Omar?

No, you're all right, thanks.

Right, well can you try not to spill it on the carpet please,

because it's Axminster.

- Right. - Although it is ash colored, so...

Yeah.

I'm waitin' for the owl to come to tell me I've got into Hogwarts.

Uncle Ken said you'd be in here three weeks, tops.

You can do three weeks, can't you?

You are lovin' this, aren't you?

They have no idea what a lying little shit you are, do they?

With the thievin' and the schemin' and,

is that a cravat?

Have you finished moanin' now, O?

I'm not going back into Carron.

You'd heard the rumors.

MPs love a good-looking lad like me.

I wouldn't last two minutes and I can't run away.

Easy target, isn't it?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a date

with a foot spa.

♪ Doo doo dada dada dah ♪

♪ Life is good ♪

♪ Doo do doo doo ♪

♪ Dah dah ♪

Ken, dinner. Ken.

Just making sure everything's turned off properly.

Now, we have some exciting news for you, don't we Ken?

Hmm.

- Ken? - Hmm?

Ken! Some exciting news, don't we?

Oh, oh yes.

Well, we've been talking about adoption.

- Giving you some proper security. - Family.

It really means a lot, you takin' us in like this.

Well, I can't think of anything that would give my brother greater satisfaction

than Ken and I doing right by you.

- It's good, isn't it, Omar? - Yeah, thank you.

No, I'm so sorry, no we just meant Pete, actually.

You're not our side, I mean, you understand, don't you?

I mean, I'm not even sure if it is allowed

for us because they have rules now for adoption.

But, we'd still be brothers.

Oh, yes of course.

You'll always be brothers.

And he could still live here?

Yes, of course he can.

Yes, of course he can, long as he likes.

Do you want some broccoli?

- Yeah, I'd love some, thanks. - Help yourself.

- Ken, pass your plate. - Set it up.

I want everything either given back,

or paid for, do you hear me?

I'd didn't do anything.

You let him do it.

Now, you get in there and you say you're sorry.

- Yes, Gran. - Yes, sorry, Gran.

Pete! Omar! Have a drink, love.

Ow!

Knew you'd be here.

Think I'm going to go find my dad.

- What? - Gran knew where he was all along,

she just never let on.

It was all in the letter.

I ain't read mine.

I can't. Not yet.

When are we going then?

I think I need to do this on my own.

Without me?

But I promised Gran I'd look after ya.

Dog and the wolf, remember?

Yeah, but, I mean,

it could be a difficult journey,

and I don't know how long it will take.

I mean, it could be dangerous.

Where you going, then? India?

No, Blackpool.

Blackpool? How's that difficult?

It's only down the moat a way.

Difficult emotionally.

I'm sorry.

Omar, come back.

Please.

Come on, Omar.

Omar!

Omar!

I'll let you have a go at me foot spa!

It's got loads of settings!

Please!

Please, Omar, don't go!

Don't go!

All right, you can come, but no stealin'.

Blackpool.

Come on, Omar. What are you waitin' for, man?

Do you reckon he's got some sort of like, weird clock socket fetish?

- You stole Ken's phone? - Well, I thought it'd come in handy.

If you had the number for your dad you could ring and say

why'd did you never love me?

Probably a shame thing, I reckon.

- Shut up. - I watched quite a lot of Jeremy Kyle.

You could go on there if you wanted.

Free night in a hotel.

Why have you been such a bastard, Dad?

Are you done?

It's knackerin', this walk.

Workin' me all day, very, very hard.

Workin' me to the bone, Mr. Omar, please!

- Pete, shut up. - Please relent, please show some mercy, Mr. Omar.

I'm a kind soul.

I mean no harm.

- Please! - You do realize that's offensive?

I have nothing more left to give, Mr. Omar.

I give you everything.

I give you my life.

I got a family to look after, sir.

Oh, please, Mr. Omar, don't send me back to that place.

- Pete. - I got a family now.

- Hey, people are lookin'! - I got a family to support here.

- I'm sorry, I'm not with him. - Please, I don't want to,

- I don't want to go back to that place. - I don't even know him.

I don't want to, I don't want to do it

no more, Mr. Omar, please.

I'm going to leave you here.

Oh, no, please don't leave me.

Although there are some tramps lurkin' about.

Might get some free cider.

It's at times like these, you know,

I think it's important to consort the help

of some professionals.

What do you mean?

Tarot cards.

There is someone in your future who will

want to open doors for you.

You need to identify who that person is

and avoid air travel with them.

Thank you.

I feel you're not just here for fun, I feel you've come on a mission.

- Yeah. - That makes sense, right.

Have we got a connection here with

- someone what's died? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And you got 'em cremated.

I've got a letter and I want to say it's...

this could be a letter of the start of a name

or could be at the end of a name

or even one that's been left out,

and it's like a I, E.

- E. - E.

- E, Edith. - Edith.

That's what I got.

Yeah.

- Me Gran. - Yes, yes, I got that.

Edith and I want to say she was like a grandmother to ya.

Yeah, okay and now your Gran is watching ya

the whole time.

Yeah, they can see everything, okay?

They even through duvets.

Choose a card.

What's it say?

- Death. - Death, right, don't panic.

Have you heard in tarot, death doesn't always mean death.

- Yeah. - Have you?

All right, that's not something I particularly go with.

I mean, I tend to go for more literal meaning of the cards,

so had you have got the moon, you'd see the moon.

If you got the stars, you'd see the stars.

If you'd have got the hierophant, you know,

maybe you'll end up getting one of them.

Do you want to do one?

Go for, try and go for one of these.

- It's death. - Death again.

Give it here. There's loads to choose from.

Sometimes people say a death means change, uh huh.

- Right. - So let's go with that, yeah?

Today you're alive and well,

and that might change.

I don't know to say other than now might be

a good time to clean out your hard drive.

Is there like, an artifact, that may be

in connection here with Edith that I could hold to help me?

- Right. - A photograph.

What I'm sensin' is one of the people in this picture

is important to you.

I'm going to go with...

- Malik. - Malik, yes, Malik...

- Chowdery. - Chowdery, yes.

Malik Chowdery.

I feel that you are tryin' to find this gentleman. I feel you will find him.

Does that make sense? If you keep lookin'.

Can you hear that?

- Yeah. - It's like a howlin'.

Is there a connection here with a wolf?

- Yeah, - or maybe a dog?

This is stupid.

Omar!

Omar!

Just out of interest, what's the best way

- to destroy a hard drive? - Well, the way I'd do it, I'd get a drill,

drill straight through, that way not even the police can recover the information.

Do you remember that story I used to tell you

when you were little?

The one about the dog and the wolf.

One day, a dog went for a walk in the woods and he met a wolf.

"Brother Wolf," said the dog, "you look so faint.

Come and live with me and me master.

I eat every day and I never want for food."

And the wolf said, "I would rather be starving and free

than fat and a slave."

And with that, he turned and trotted off back into the forest.

I'm the wolf, aren't I? And Omar's the dog.

- Why are you the wolf? - Well, I'm a thoroughbred, you're a poodle.

You look like a Yorkshire Terrier.

Cack it in, you two.

I want you to look after each other.

That wolf probably died the next day,

alone in the woods.

Least you made that nice and easy for me.

Sorry I ran off, Pete.

- I just... - I know, mate.

I miss her, too.

Do you want an ice-cream?

Now you're talking.

In fact, I'll have a candy floss.

Make it big, yeah?

Think Amy Winehouse.

99 double cone, please.

- Three quid. - Oh, I've got no money.

- Must have left my purse at work. - Oh, isn't life a chore?

- Can I owe ya? - You can't owe me.

Really? Come on, I'll come back after my shift.

What does that say there? I earned this, award winning.

Not award winning mug. I'm an ice cream man, not a nice cream man.

Money. You've got, what am I meant to do with that now?

- I'll have it. - Will you?

All right, okay.

Oh, very chivalrous, taking advantage

of someone's misfortune.

For you.

All right, Romeo and Juliet, can you crack on? We got queue.

Can I have a double cone and candy floss, please?

What is it with double cones today?

And a flake, as well, please.

And a flake. It's no wonder Britain's gettin' so fat.

Oi!

Thanks for the ice cream.

It's all right.

You shy?

No.

- Is that German? - No, it's French.

You been to France?

No.

I've been to Birmingham.

Sit down then. Don't bite.

What?

Doesn't matter.

My mom says you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes.

If he's still got his favorite pair of shoes

from school, he's loyal, almost to a fault.

If he's got more shoes than you, could be gay

and if he has trouble finding a pair he likes,

he'll never make a commitment.

What about trainers?

Trainers are cool.

I'm gettin' new ones soon.

Loyal and cool.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Uh, Omar.

I'll pay you back, Uh Omar.

No, it's fine. Honestly, I don't want the money.

- Do you live 'round here? Are you a tourist? - Tourist.

Although I don't actually have anywhere to stay yet, so...

Homeless and chivalrous.

When you find a place, come and get your money.

I work at Sea Planet, you can't miss it.

I don't want the money.

You're havin' the money.

I saved her, Omar. I saved Gran.

Where's the case? I tried to get it with my frame,

but it just pushed further and further out.

I almost drowned, Omar.

'Cause of you, 'cause you left me.

Our money's in that case!

Who puts the money in the case unless

they're in a gangster film?

I can't swim.

This is both our fault, yeah.

Get the bag.

Uncle Ray?

Uncle Ray?

Blimey.

Handsome Dex let himself go.

Uncle Ray, they're with me.

Well, look who it isn't.

Don't bother comin' visitin' your old Uncle Ray

- anymore, do ya? - Well, I'm here now.

Yeah, I'm having a clue wanting something.

That's not true.

All right, it's a bit true. Got a spot of bother.

You know, I knew this was going to happen.

Which one was it?

Which one of you randy little reprobates has deflowered my lotus flower

and got my niece up the duff?

We haven't.

They lost all their stuff.

They just need somewhere to stay.

Ah, two damsels in distress.

And you're their knight in shining armor, Uncle Ray.

We can pay for something.

That is a massive fuckin' exaggeration

on the word something.

I mean, I know it's a shithole, but are you taking the piss?

Anyway, I can't help you, lads.

I'm booked out.

Stacked up to the cleat hooks.

They'd go right through you, trust me.

Want to wake up with a big girly arm 'round ya

and somebody callin' you sweetheart?

How about I ring your parents?

No, that's all right.

They're dead.

Does this mean we're going to have to go home?

I don't have a home.

Lad, hold your horses.

All right, there's no assholes here at the castles.

Not like I can throw you two out to the wolves.

Besides, any friend of Amy is a friend of mine.

I got some what we're using case of emergencies.

20 quid a night.

All right, ten quid.

Well, damn then. Free it is.

All right, it's not much, but at least you'll be dry and warm and safe.

Thanks, Uncle.

I've got to go.

Feeding the sharks tonight, my first dive.

Watch, mind yourself, will ya?

You can't trust 'em.

Little sharp teeth and dark beady eyes.

Reminds me of me ex-wife. If sharks had poems.

Good luck, lads. You're going to need it with him.

And don't leave us alone next time, missy, okay?

I won't, promise!

Liar.

So, did ya

- sleep with her? - No, no, no.

I'm not with him all day.

Of course not. I just met her.

Right, come on then. Let's get you both out of them wet clothes.

You do think he's, you know, safe?

Well, he's lettin' us stay here, isn't he?

I don't like that, though.

- No door. - Well, we're just going to have to make do, all right?

He's been kind enough to give us a room.

Evening boys.

Just wanted to make sure you're settled in.

Yeah, we're fine, thanks.

No assholes at the castles.

We have to make sure all of our guests are happy, even the freeloaders.

Now then, the disaster.

The dryer's playin' up and your clothes

are soppin' wet through,

so there's no way they're going to be ready

for tomorrow morning.

But, fear not.

Ray to the rescue.

I knew these'd come in handy one day.

Just some odds and sods that folks

left here over the years.

Just can't bring myself what throw 'em out.

Memories.

Right.

- Thanks. - So,

'til the morrow.

Oh, and this is the only toilet on this floor, so uh,

don't get nervous if I uh,

come once or twice in the night.

Sweet Jesus.

This is a fittin' sendoff.

She loved it here.

We should say something.

Don't know what to say.

Hey, lads.

- What are you doing? - What's it look like?

You're not doggers, are ya?

We been gettin' a lot of that on the pier.

No, we're just...

- What's in that urn? - Who are you? You F.B.I. or something?

Don't be cheeky, son. That's America.

- Now, what's in that urn? - Tea bags.

All right. Have any room?

Looks like to me you're scattering ashes,

and you need a permit to scatter ashes on the pier.

You hand it over, nice and slow.

I love you, Gran!

Gov!

- What'd you do that for, you idiot? - I don't know, I just panicked.

- The sendoff was supposed to be special. - What's your name?

It's okay, Thornton. These boys are here to see me.

I was hoping to bump into you two.

I think I found your father. I know it's a special moment.

It reminds me of the time when I first realized I've got a gift.

I was studying for my nursing exams and I was so stressed

and wound up, drinking coffee and that's when I first heard the voices.

And they came to me, givin' me the answers to my test.

Now, it turned out, these voices weren't medically qualified, so, I didn't pass my exams,

'cause of what I'd written about Hitler and the like,

but I learned something that day

and it was a very special moment for me

and I think this is going to be a very special moment for you.

Wow, um...

I feel guilty that I doubted ya.

You mustn't worry. I just Googled Malik Chowdery, Blackpool.

Well, maybe we should just leave, yeah?

Well, we can't both leave now.

I mean, he might not even be inside.

What's that?

Oh, it's got a kick to it.

It's Ray's, from the hotel.

What's in it?

Brandy, whiskey, creme de menthe, absinthe, rum

and a little bit of Ribena.

He calls it liver failure.

Should probably go to a hospital at some point.

Do you want a bit?

No, I'm not touching it.

Oh, because I'm going to see me long last dad

who I haven't seen for my whole life

I can't possibly drink during the day.

What are you on about?

All right, give it here.

More like it.

Ugh.

Oh, that's strong.

On three, ready?

One, two, three.

It's a bit like Gremlins, isn't it?

Ramadan.

It's uh...

similar rules.

Like, in Gremlins.

Can't feed 'em until after midnight

and the same in Ramadan.

Phoebe Cates.

Shut up.

Now.

There are two boys set on the sofa.

- One of them says he's your son. - Which one?

- The brown one! - Really, don't be like that.

- I don't know who they are! - Get in there until I think of something.

What do you mean?

- Go on, then. - I am.

- Say it. - I will.

- Now. - All right.

Right, you two, out.

But we just came to talk.

Nothing to talk about is there?

Out, now.

- Let me explain. - What is there to explain?

I think it's you that needs to explain, mate.

Excuse me?

Right, you stay there.

You, I need to speak to you.

Get up, now.

- Malik. - I'm sorting it, come on.

Okay, what's this all about?

I think you're my dad.

- I'm sorry, say that again. - You're my dad.

Well, you keep saying that, but what I'm hearing is where's my dad?

- Where's my dad? He's not here, is he? - You're Malik Chowdery, yeah?

- That's right. - Yeah, so you knew my mum, Caroline Baker.

You see, I can see your lips moving, but what I'm hearing is.

- Is it money you're after? You're trying to blackmail me? - No, don't want your money.

Okay, well let me just explain. You've mixed me up for someone else.

- The only thing you and I have in common is the color brown. - Yeah, but...

Now. Listen to me. This is how it's going to play out.

You are going to take the chuckle brother over there and both of you are going

to take your lies and piss off out of my house before I call the police. You got it?

- But I know you're my dad. - Right! That's it! For the last time,

I am not your dad! Now, go.

This was a mistake, Pete. We should go.

- No, this, it ain't right. - Please leave.

You've pushed me to this.

Think you better read that.

- What's this? - Exhibit A. The birth certificate.

Oh, that's just some cheap Photoshop jobbie.

- Malik Chowdery. - What?

- It's got your name on it. - Well...

Why would it say your name?

There are a million Malik Chowderys in this world.

You just married the right one, that's all.

Exhibit B.

The diary.

Sorry, can you all hear me okay at the back.

Yes, carry on.

But, hang on a minute.

Don't carry on.

This is stupid. Look, you're ruining my daughter's engagement party.

Oh, it's fine, Dad, don't worry.

See? What?

Look, all right, forget it.

You two out, now.

- Malik. - Mom?

Let's hear what the boys have got to say.

Yes, Mom.

Thank you.

Diary extract.

Holiday to Rhyl.

Well, I've never been to Rhyl.

- You did go to Rhyl. - What?

You brought me this mug.

Well, okay, I've been to Rhyl.

I'm a businessman, I travel a lot.

Met my Arabian prince again at the ice rink.

He's so good looking. I know it's not enough to simply like

the look of someone, I know it's meant to be.

It's the little things like he can't function

without a cup of tea and we both look really good in brown.

He shares my love of Chesney Hawkes

and he even gave me some knickers

from a damaged shipping container

which I thought was generous.

Who the hell is Chesney Hawkes?

Shipping containers, Malik.

Family business?

Damaged knickers?

And finally, the photograph.

- Well, it's you. - What?

- That is you, Malik. - Let me see.

- Isn't it, isn't it? - No, no, let me have a look.

Oh my God, Dad that's you.

It's not... Give it here.

Look, give it here.

Okay, let me explain. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't be like that.

I can explain.

Sara, baby, I can explain.

Can you just, quiet please!

Okay.

- It's true, but... - You bastard!

I just...

Ooh.

- Explain. - I'd only known you for a couple of weeks

and it was just a fling, baby,

and you know, we were young

and it was a lifetime ago and,

she was tall and blonde and...

Wait, did you say blonde?

Yeah.

Our mom isn't blonde.

Oh no, she's this one, here.

- Yeah. - No, our mom's Karen, the brunette.

Well, I slept with that one there.

Curly blonde hair, tall.

- Had a tattoo of a fox on the buttocks. - A buttock fox?

Our mom never had tattoos and she was short, right?

- Maybe it was a threesome you forgot about. - No, I didn't have a threesome.

- Sorry, a threesome? - I don't even have the energy for a twosome.

- So you had a threesome. - No, I didn't, baby. I never did that.

Firstly, you slept with a woman from Rhyl with a fox tattooed on her ass

and now you've had a threesome.

♪ Nobody I'd rather be ♪

♪ I am the one and only ♪

♪ You can't take That away from me ♪

♪ From me ♪

Just.

Oi, come here.

- Chill, bro. - Come here.

- You see in there? - Yeah.

That kid in there is your son.

Don't be ridiculous.

Look.

- No, please, bro, please. - He's your son.

Oh please, you take him. Take one for the team.

- What's wrong with you? - Please, bro.

- Get in there. - Okay, just let me get my breath.

Listen, mom, I didn't mean to run you out, I just used my natural

reaction when I felt like I was in trouble, I don't know what I did.

I didn't, I just always run. I was going to come back, I promise.

- I was just going to... - Irfan. Not to me, talk to them.

Okay, listen, little man.

It was a one night deal, like, ten nights tops, straight down.

- Did you know about me? - I swear down, I did not know that you even existed.

If I did, I would have done the right thing, bro.

Move to Karachi or something.

Irfan.

Sorry.

Okay, listen to me, mate, I...

I remember, it was, it was a ice rink in Rhyl, okay?

I could barely stand up when I saw your mom.

She had the biggest pair of

eyes I've ever seen in my life. Massive eyes.

They looked, she looked like she had something wrong with her, they were that big.

I was a useless skater. You know, my balance is terrible,

but your mom, she was like an Olympic champion.

- Then one night, just fell into her arms. - Sounds romantic.

No, I mean, like, I literally fell onto her, yeah.

Belly flopped right into her face.

Broke her nose in three places.

- Oh. - Yeah, then I took her to the hospital and,

we did it in the disabled toilets. I didn't even kiss her

'cause her nose was still mashed up.

Irfan.

- Okay, listen to me, so what was your name again mate? - Omar.

Listen to me, Omar.

I promise ya, I gave her my address and everything. I said to her, if you want

To find me, you could find me, but maybe she wanted to raise you on her own,

I don't know, you know? Maybe she's a feminist or something, but,

from now on, yeah, I promise you,

double pinky promise you that I am going to make it up to you.

- 17 years of back payments would be a start. - What?

I'm broke, so. You're mental.

I'm still in my overdraft, mate.

Every time. Every time you get it out of your pants,

I get an earful.

- You shouldn't have got me drunk then, bro. - Well, you got...

- You got the party's Sambucas out... - I didn't tell you to put it...

Irfan.

Look, I'm sorry.

We should leave.

- We've ruined everything. - Yeah, they should go.

- No, no, no, you stay. - They should, they should leave.

Just stay where you are, okay?

This is a proud day for us. It's our daughter's engagement party.

Nothing's going to ruin today.

Tell the family we've got guests for dinner.

Get out, now.

But, I don't want a son.

Sorry. Sorry, bro. Sorry.

You done got me in shit now.

So,

is your mom still fit, then?

She's dead.

Okay, worth a shot.

Sara, why don't you do the introductions?

Okay, this is my beautiful daughter, Nadia

and her husband to be, Sadiq.

And then we've got Romana, my youngest,

and then we've got Parveen.

Parveen's an elective mute.

She hasn't said a word in years.

Have you, Parveen?

Really got her, there. She's a bloody weirdo.

And then there's the uncles. There's Mohammed and Abdul, sells used cars

and then we've got Hasma and Imran and Akeel oh and this is Grandad...

and Grandma Sadiqa and Auntie Asam and our wonderful mother, Tazim.

Who's the white guy?

- Kevin. - Kevin?

- Kev. - Oh, Kev.

- Oh, sorry mate, you just look a bit different. - It's okay.

Please eat, eat. There's plenty of food.

- So, you are from Bradford? - By the shore.

We just moved though, recently.

We've never really been anywhere.

We used to live with our grandma, but she died,

so now it's just me and Pete.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

When did your grandma die?

- Last week. - Oh.

I've been comfort eating.

Kev what are you doing?

Ketchup with the meal?

Kev, you know you don't bring ketchup

into a Asian household. It's offensive, mate.

- Sorry, sorry. - We're going to have to start

searching you before you come into the house now, Kev.

Ah, Sadiq.

Sadiq Simbal Annan, from Lahore, hey. Bilal and Isha,

meet everybody.

And who are these boys?

- Me? - Hum.

Hey, Papa, do you right?

Who are these boys?

Okay, it's going to sound, it's a bit of a weird story, but, Papa, this,

- he's saying he's my son. - What did you say?

- It's my son, Papa. - Your son?

- He's saying he's my son, Papa. - What the hell

is bastard going on here?

- Papa. - Come out here.

Okay, Papa, what's the punishment?

I'm not joking.

Give me your credit cards.

- Papa. - Do as you're told.

- Papa. - I think I was a bit too harsh.

You know, when I'm, I'm strict, I'm really very strict.

All right. No Pleasure Beach for a month.

But Papa, you know, I love Pleasure Beach. I go there every...

- All right, for a week! - Papa, please.

Sit down. He has had an illegitimate child whilst being drunk.

- Punish him. - Yeah, and he used my name.

That's just lads will be lads.

I have to be tough.

No Sky TV for three days.

- What? - I've spoken.

- Papa. - I've spoken.

- This is bullshit! - Irfan!

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!

Boys, this is your fault, you little prick!

It's not little prick that is at fault, you little prick.

Leave me alone!

I am going to confiscate his Lego cards.

- Saftar, sit down. - Of course.

- Please. - Yes.

Three days.

Everyone. Please forgive my son's bad behavior. Let's eat.

I think maybe we should go, yeah?

Let's... Well, just for five minutes.

- Just... - Let's get out of here as soon as possible.

'Scuse me, have you, have you got a toilet?

- Yes, up the stairs, first on your right. - Great stuff, thank you.

- Are you okay to go on your own? - Yeah, thank you.

Hurry back.

So, how was your flight?

Absolutely uneventful.

I wasn't going to take it.

I just thought someone might have lost it.

I was going to hand it in, although,

probably best not to mention it to anyone, just in case.

So, which one are you again?

The mute.

- Right, and, but you can speak. - You catch on quick.

- So, why don't ya? - I only speak to people who deserve my words.

How old are you?

Age is just a number.

Yeah, but which number?

I like the way you stood up for your brother.

Someone's got to.

Strong. Sexy.

Those are my middle names.

Oh, careful with them, just 'cause they're prescription

and uh, I mean, I've got a warranty,

but I'd rather not damage them.

- I like a bit of danger. - Well, I don't so I'm just going to take them

off ya like that, there we go, lovely stuff.

So, why do you pretend to be a mute?

They don't see me anyway, so it means I can operate

under the radar, like a ninja.

Your brother's ready to leave.

We're going to drive ya home.

- What's going on? - I'm just finishing me cig.

Well, we don't allow smoking in the house.

Well, I'm near the balcony which is basically outside, so.

Could ya put it out, please?

Yeah, fair enough.

- Ow, bloody hell! - Sorry!

Parveen, want you downstairs with your family.

I've not finished with you, yet.

Let's have a look through the papers now, and one of the biggest stories this week

is the tragic accident at the Big Cat Safari Park.

A couple has been eaten by lions

after the balloon that they had hired

for a romantic trip crashed into the...

The boys are being cared for by Social Services

who are trying to contact relatives.

You can't split them up. I mean, they're inseparable.

I mean, they've just lost their mom and dad

and now they're going to lose each other.

You're all right, boys. You're with me, now.

No one is going to split you up while your Gran's here.

Suppose I better say thank you, then.

Well, then, say it.

- Thank you. - You have to mean it.

- I do mean it. - What you thankin' me for?

Sortin' out the guesthouse with your uncle.

Oh yeah.

What you waitin' for?

Come on.

I'm coming.

My dad wrote me that.

I did the picture.

I like to draw myself, so.

What is it?

- Is it a horse? - It's me.

- Oh. Umm... - You sayin' I look like a horse?

- No. - I was only eight.

You know what? I can see it, yeah, it's the light. Yeah, it's the light.

I failed art school, so I forgive you.

Think I'm going to go back to Bradford.

I think that would be a shame.

- Where you going? - Going for a paddle.

- I don't like the sea. - More reason for you to go in, then.

What time do you call this?

I just went out for um...

Hey, we know.

Here come the excuses.

I couldn't sleep.

Drinkin'.

Can see, you know.

- Dancin' on ice. - What?

- Shoes are all sandy. - Of course they are.

He reeks of pleasure.

Are you yourself when you lie to those you love?

I just went umm...

I just um huh wah...

- You been out with him haven't you? - Who?

Desmond!

Who's Desmond?

Who is Desmond?

Man a funny wife.

Better to be single than cheated on, mate.

He's a nice boy, he's young.

You're tossin' each other?

I don't mind another one of those.

There you go.

They're not for sharing.

Be in the next room if you need anything, Pete.

Cheers, Ray.

- You all right? - Oh yeah, thanks for asking.

- Never been better, mate, yeah. - Pete.

Ain't got a door, stuck pissin' about upstairs, lost my frame.

Woke up, you weren't there. Anything could have happened.

I'm sorry.

I thought you'd left me.

Why would you think that?

I'd never leave ya, and you know it.

Where were ya?

Just out.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I suppose so.

'Night.

Goodnight.

What's up, fam?

This place has got everything.

I'm tellin' you, man. Bloke, this is, like, the best shopping platform.

Welcome to the first Pakistani and Indian gift shop in Blackpool.

Really taking advantage of both the markets, you know what I mean?

And one day, Omar, this could be all of yours.

See that?

Electronic prayer mat.

And look, got lights.

There's a typo on it as it says Blackpools

so we got loads for free, know what I mean?

But, the number one seller in this shop

without a doubt, is this pen.

Normal pen, right?

Wait.

Leaves more to the imagination, though. It's classy, you know?

We're a tack shop, but we're not tacky.

- So that's the key. - That's really cool.

Yeah.

All right guys. Let's have some fun.

- Sorry if I got you in any trouble. - Nah, listen, it's fine.

Had one little tantrum, I got it out,

smashed some stuff up, had a little cry.

I'm all right now.

He is really good.

- So you still live with your parents, then? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely.

But I'm moving out soon, actually, I'm going to get my own place.

- Oh yeah, where you moving? - Back of the garden.

This is legally binding.

She is beautiful!

You do know that's a boy?

My granddad always used to say this thing to me, used to say,

I don't know what it means, but,

I think it means something like,

Irfan, you got responsibilities.

Make sure you look after people.

Now somebody tells me it's your birthday.

So this one is going out especially for you.

Oh!.

By the way, bro, I want you to have this.

- Oh no, I don't want your money. - No, I know, but it's like, for you to get

some decent clothing, 'cause you look like

a freak right now.

No, I'm not done. Piss off.

I've got 30 quid in there.

Bring it on.

There she is, boys. It's the family crown jewels right there.

It's the first car my dad bought when his businesses started really popping off.

No one's allowed to drive it, but him.

Anyway, boys, another gift from the container gods.

I want you to have it.

Genuine Rolex, yeah.

That one's got a bit of water damage,

but it still works fine.

It says Rulex on it.

Yeah, it's like, limited edition.

Must be German or something.

These are for us?

Yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

It's cool, man.

If you don't want to be players

like me and my old man, yeah,

you got to get yourself one of these beauties.

Do you hear that engine?

Purrs like a kitten, ain't it?

Hey, Irfan, shut the engine.

It's not a toy.

Sorry, Papa. Just showing Omar.

- We're so glad you decided to stay over. - What?

Oh, I forgot to say, my dad wanted us to, so...

We don't want you boys spending another night at that guest house.

Mom, can Omar please stay in my room? It'll be so much jokes,

we'll tell scary stories in that, like Goosebumps, you know, old school stuff.

I don't mind, honestly.

Yeah, let the boys bond, huh?

Parveen, can you take Pete to the guest room, please?

Hey, that's cheating! You can't do that!

It's only cheating if you get caught, mate.

You can't do, no, no, you can't do...

Are we getting forgetful?.

Let's see what we have right here. Alright, wait.

On you mark, get set.

Oi, you bastard!

You need to get out! Get out, Get out!

- Ah, get out! Get out! - Is everything all right?

- Oh my God. Malik! - Yeah?

This is an invasion of privacy. She should be on the register.

- What are you doing with my daughter? - She climbed in with me.

- Dad! - No, not dad.

Look, I told you we couldn't trust him.

It's always the quiet ones.

Everybody here!

No, not everybody.

- Pete, what you doing? - Nothing, she climbed in with me!

Now, can you all leave me? I need to get dressed.

Right, that's it. Nadia, go and get my cricket baton.

- I'm going to kill him. - She's lyin'!

She can speak, do it.

Do the sexy voice thing.

- Go on. - Parveen?

Women can't be trusted, right, Irfan?

Mate, I'm just watching this, mate. Get the popcorn.

She's lyin', I promise ya. I didn't do her.

Do her? I'll bloody do you in a minute!

Why doesn't anyone believe me? Why is she even here?

Of course she's here.

This is Parveen's bedroom.

Pete, Pete, Pete, you kinky kid.

Bring it in lad. Did you use the frame on her?

I'm tellin' ya. She's got you all fooled.

Fake mute.

Easy, anyone can do that.

Ah, Pete, you're the sexiest man alive.

Show me your bum. And you're all conned.

I suppose you've got to see it from her point of view, though, ain't ya?

There's a lot of sexual frustration in this house

and along comes some young tottie, AKA me.

No wonder the girls are going to go weak at the knees.

I'm like, George Clooney on a frame.

Shut up, all right, just shut up.

I know why you're doin' this.

You just can't stand to see me happy, can ya?

What are you on about? It's not my fault.

Always dragging me down, always draggin' me back.

You do it on purpose.

You and your attention seekin'.

- It's embarrassing. - It's a genuine condition.

Omar, do this. Omar, do that.

Omar, get me my frame. Omar, get me a cup of tea.

I am sick of it. I am sick of you.

Well, you know what? I'm sick of you.

Sick of you and your perfect little world.

Sick of you and your one-day daddy.

I'm your brother.

How 'about showing me some support?

You're not my brother.

See, I left my brother back in Bradford.

I'm your carer.

The only thing I don't do is wipe your ass, yet.

And you know what? He might be a one-day daddy, but at least he's here.

Where's yours?

Oh yeah.

He's dead.

Least I have a dad.

Pete.

I didn't mean what I said.

Sleek cameras everywhere these days, aren't there?

- Oh, Pete. It's all right, we're here. - Oh, good.

- You called them? - I was worried about you boys, I'm sorry.

- We wanted you both to be safe. - You've been very irresponsible, Omar.

Do you have any idea how dangerous it is here

for a vulnerable disabled boy like Pete?

Get your things. We're going home.

I'll talk to you both in the car.

We don't have any things.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Right, let's get started.

The moon was shiny, come closer to me.

Come close, come on snuggle up.

The moon was shiny and very bright one night.

Now then, Pete.

This is the last photograph of you all together.

Oh, I'm filling up.

This, this is the last photograph of you all together.

All right? There's a scrapbook for you, sweetheart.

'Cause I thought what you could do is, you could keep all your,

your treasures and your drawings 'cause you're so good at drawing.

I didn't see him.

I went all up and down the sea front.

Wasted 20 quid in petrol.

Ah, he couldn't have gone far.

I just feel bad. I feel like, I think I've upset him.

- I didn't mean to. - Ah, never mind.

You did the right thing, for a change.

Right, well I think we're going to head off.

- What? - Oh, it's a long drive.

Might try a different route back, actually.

The 8583 holds the M55 and then of the...

Yeah, all right, Ken.

Come on, Pete, we're going home.

- What about Omar? - He's made it very clear

he doesn't want to come with us, Pete.

We can't just leave him.

Look, Pete, I know this is hard for you, pet,

but Omar belongs here, don't ya think,

with his, with his own.

I mean, Ken agrees, don't ya, Ken?

- Oh, well... - You see? I mean,

you know, it's the modern problem, really,

isn't it? you know, try to appease everybody,

you just end up with a mess. I mean you've got your

community action group this, and your integration that.

It doesn't work. You know, we've left.

You know, stop moaning about it and move on,

- which is what we're doing now. - Omar is a young boy.

- He needs his... - Look, I know what Omar needs.

With the greatest respect, he needs discipline,

he needs consistency and possibly some sort of, some sort of boot camp.

You know, I'm sorry, this is just not my problem any longer.

You know, Ellen, we could stay and help them

look for Omar for an hour or so...

Shhh, stop undermining me, Ken.

Look, my brother took on a child that wasn't his own and look where it lead.

I'm not playing at UNICEF any longer.

It's not my problem any longer.

Guys, guys, shut up, all right?

Look, I'm his dad.

I think I should bloody well have a say in this.

Sorry, I'm going to stop you there. Did you just say dad?

Yeah, I'm his dad. I'm the big poppy now.

- Big poppy? - The big poppy, it's Spanish for dad.

Look, all I can say is looking at the stock he comes from, quite frankly,

I can see why Omar is such a wayward child.

- What'd she say? - Child?

Hey.

Don't jibber jabber at me. I've just took you for some sort of closure chump.

- I'm not jibber jabbering. - They just called you a cow in our language.

Well, cows are very useful and provide a lot of milk, so I'm not taking that as an insult.

- Tell 'em Ken. - She's not taking that as an insult.

I just wanted to say sorry.

It's too late.

This is all your fault.

I'll talk to them. I'll do it.

Look, they bore me.

They're not like me and you. We have special bond.

What's the point in having a life if you're not willing to live it?

What's the point in coming to Blackpool if you can't have fun?

What's the point in having a car

if you never even drive it?

Hey, my car! They're taking my car!

Bring me back my car!

They're takin' my car!

My car.

Yes, hello, police?

Yes, a runaway boy and girl.

No, look, ah!

Help, help, help me!

Stop the car!

Help!

This'll be a beautiful end to our romance, Pete.

How romantic will it be to drown at sea?

Life's story is all about the perfect ending. Romance.

Parveen, look, you don't have to do this. Stop!

We do. It's our destiny.

Please, stop!

I've got a better idea.

Why don't go at town first? Steal, loot stuff.

It's what Bonnie and Clyde would have done,

- and then we can spend our last night on Earth together. - Blaze of glory. How romantic.

- Tonight's ours. We can do anything. - Anything.

- Harry Potter! - I'm not Harry Potter!

Get me out of the car!

Harry Potter old friend!

Pete.

- Hello. - Whoa.

- It's going to be... - They're massive, aren't they?

I suppose.

He's adorable in the tank.

When you get in, they give you a nudge

to let you know who's boss.

- Don't you ever get scared? - Naw, I like 'em.

How big is that?

Big fish.

Is this safe?

Is there anything you're not scared of?

I know something I'm not scared of.

Oh yeah?

What's that?

You.

That's the one thing you should be scared of.

That's spiky!

That really hurts! Whoo!

Shh.

Doesn't look like anyone's in.

Well, it's a special day,

'cause we just got engaged!

No, we're not, no, we're not!

We're not, we're not, we're not engaged. We're not engaged.

- I tell you what you need, love. - The police?

No, an engagement party!

Okay, come on.

Where are the lights?

'Round there.

Where is everyone?

Kevin, it's me, it's me!

You hit him with a flower pot.

He had the cricket bat.

Kev, you all right, mate?

Kev?

I'll call an ambulance.

Yeah.

Kev.

You're going to make him a lovely wife.

Pete. Pete, are you all right?

Come on mate, it is smashing up.

Hey, we're made now. Frickin' brilliant!

There's loads of them.

Come on! Come on, we're over here!

- This is all your fault. - Pete, I had no idea what was going on, all right.

Omar. Omar. What's wrong?

- I don't know. - I told you from the very beginning.

I'm sorry, all right?

Oh, you devil, you!

Come on, dance with me.

Omar, help me. She's mental.

Have you got a girlfriend, Kevin?

- No. - Do you want one?

Hey, Bo.

Get out of here, punk.

My car.

My car.

My car.

Just cut the bullshit.

Right, which one of you is Parveen?

'Sup Omar?

How you doing?

Hey look, I got it, I got it fixed for you. Well, I mean, not fixed.

I've got it replaced, 'cause we got loads of them replicas.

No, thanks.

You know what it is, bro? I've never been a fan of contraception.

I'm really bad with it. I can't even spell the word,

like what is it, like K-O umlaut, is it umlaut? German word?

- Are you here for a reason? - Yeah, I am.

I'm just saying I hate condoms. They make my penis feel itchy and claustrophobic...

You know what? I don't want to hear it.

Please, don't, please, bro.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry, please.

Give me a chance.

- Did your mom send you? - No!

Dad did.

You're an idiot.

Listen, bro, I know I'm an idiot, okay? It's just...

it's hard being a like, living with the fact

that I'm like, a dad now, I can't even say it.

Like it's, I look in the mirror and I'm like,

you're a dad, ugh.

Okay, listen, bro. The thing is, I've always been a joker, you know?

Banter, I love a bit of banter, but,

people don't take me seriously, man.

They treat me like a child,

so I act like a child, you know?

I don't get respect from anyone 'cause they always think I'm some clown,

but I'm a sad clown, bro. Real sad.

Just a failure.

You're not a failure.

Listen, bro.

Me and my family would love it if you come to the wedding.

Why did you get rid of me?

Listen, bro, I didn't want to yeah, but,

Malik just always puts me down.

He said you can't be a dad. You can't do this.

He went, it's not right, it's not fair on you,

so I thought best just to you know,

drop you off here and... but it's not Malik's fault, man.

It's my responsibility.

What's this?

I know you're probably going to say no, and I understand that, but,

if you get sick of this place,

you're always welcome back at mine, okay?

You can come and come to the annex and you can, you know,

well, me annex, su annex.

I mean, obviously, there's going to be chicks coming now and again, so,

- you know what I'm like. - No chicks come 'round.

Yeah, no, no chicks come 'round, you're right.

This is what I mean about the bullshit.

I'm always talking crap.

But you can see through it.

Listen. Thanks a lot for just hearing me out, okay?

And I'm sorry, mate.

Well, no, actually, I'm sorry,

son.

You're my son and I'm your dad.

God, it's so soppy I feel sick now.

So soppy, isn't it?

- How do you think I feel? - Yeah, this being your dad.

I feel sorry for you, mate.

You're all right.

Cheers.

We used to have a thousand piecer of Warwick Castle.

I think it's in the loft, Ken.

- Ken. - Hmm?

That thousand piecer?

- Warwick Castle? - Yes, is it in the loft?

Yeah, I think it is.

You'd like that one, Peter. It's a cracker.

I might get an early night, if it's all the same to you.

Oh, yes, good idea.

Fresh for lessons in the morning.

Yeah, lessons.

Put those in.

Is Pete in? I need to speak to my brother.

Don't think you should be 'round here, do you?

- Who is it? - It's the window cleaner.

Look, I need to speak to my brother

and I'm not leaving until I've seen him.

Look, Pete is happy here. Certainly doesn't need any

destructive influences damaging that.

It's okay, Ellen.

- What do you want? - I came to say I'm sorry.

- And do you want to come live with me and my dad? - Your dad?

We've got an annex at the back of the garden. It'll be like our own place.

No, get him out, Ken. No, he doesn't want to come and live with you

and your so-called dad. Ken!

- Let the lad speak. - What?

- No. - What?

I'm up here.

They've got things I need.

Besides, he's your dad, not mine.

You hear that? Go on, clear off.

Ellen, shut up. Please, for once.

- Just let them talk. - Go on then.

It's time for me to grow up.

It was always going to come a day where we didn't live together.

Might as well be now.

But the dog and the wolf.

Just a story, Omar.

This is real life.

You sure?

Everything all right?

Just drive.

Omar!

Omar!

Omar!

Omar!

Omar!

Irfan, stop the car!

I can't believe you were going to leave me with them lunatics.

Well, you were the one, I thought you were going to stay.

You're so slow on the uptake. Did you not see me giving you the eyes?

They were right behind me, I couldn't say anything.

Oh, and I'm definitely the wolf.

You are not the wolf.

Come on, let's go.

- Out. - You scrub up well.

Oh.

You left that at Ray's.

Amy gave it to me.

I was too upset to read it.

Tell you the truth, I was scared.

Gran loved us, Pete.

It's all right to miss her.

I've got something for you, actually.

No, Pete.

That's yours, Gran gave that to you.

I know, I know she did, but I wanted you to have it.

I thought you could put it in your scrapbook,

with all our other memories.

Everything in one place, yeah?

That's how it should be.

- Let's get inside. - Good idea.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, bro.

Hey. Everyone if I could just have your attention.

Attention, shut up!

Okay, just want to say thanks to everyone coming to the wedding.

I had a really beautiful time.

Single hotties, make some noise.

It's a joke 'cause I'm not into hotties.

Like a little big younger, not that young though.

Just want to bring on my son, Omar, you know?

Just found out about him a little while ago.

Very proud of him.

He's brought himself a beautiful girl.

She's got pink hair, so she looks like a rude goer.

Well done, lad.

Just want to say to the beautiful bride,

Nadia, my niece.

There's still time if you want just to do a runner,

because, no for real though,

'cause he's a loser. Okay?

Want to say to Pete, pick up Pete.

I might need to, you know, might need

to borrow your frame after 'cause I'm going to be

absolutely legless tonight.

No worries, guys, no worries.

Yeah, and I want to say to my big bro, Malik, you know,

we have, you know, he's a good guy, he's a good guy.

He's believed in me this whole time, you know.

Now and then he can be a bit of a bastard...

Wait, wait. All right.

Thank you very much. Off.

Thank you every much. Thank you very, very much.

That's my brother for ya.

Now that our grandkids are getting married,

I think we should get married, too.

So, I can talk now.

Yeah, are you still as weird now you can talk?

Do you still think I'm really fit?

Yeah, you're really fit, yeah. Yeah.

- Meet me in the back in five minutes. - Okay.

Yip.

Sadiq, Sadiq, your name, you've got dick in

your name, you're Sadick, 'cause your dick gets no action, bro.

How can that be true? You're a virgin.

I'm not a virgin. How come I'm a virgin? I got my son right there, bro.

- Well, that's immaculate inception. - Immaculate incep...

that's a film, you idiot. It's immaculate conc...

I don't care. I live in the real world. You live in film world.

I live in the real world, you live in film world.

Seriously, please, I'm beggin' you Just don't be a child.

Please, don't be a child, be a man.

Yeah, okay, maybe that day will come one day.

That's not today, bro.

You're a pig.

May as well read it now.

You're not going to believe this.

What?

Your dad's in the Caribbean?

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