Original subtitles

[BABIES CRYING]

[PEOPLE TALKING]

PLEASE.

COMING THROUGH.

KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

PLEASE, SIR, I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.

DON'T WALK AWAY.

I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM!

I CAN'T FEEL IT.

DOCTOR...

I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM.

I CAN'T FEEL YOUR ARM RIGHT NOW, EITHER.

COULD SOMEBODY FEEL HIS ARM?

[WHISTLING]

DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR!

KISS THE BOO-BOO! KISS THE BOO-BOO!

HEY, YOU'RE STILL HERE.

YEAH, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

HEY, SAVE ME SOME COFFEE, YOU SAVAGE!

IT'S DOWN HERE, AND IT'S OVER HERE.

WHAT IS THIS, ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS?

LET'S GO!

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

GUNSHOT WOUND. SHOULDER AND ABDOMEN.

WE'VE BEEN PAGING YOU FOR FIVE MINUTES.

YOU ON CALIFORNIA TIME ALREADY?

I WAS IN RADIOLOGY, WORKING ON MY TAN.

PULSE 1 20.

GET THIS GUY TYPED AND CROSSED.

O.K., QUESTION--

BEVERLY HILLS,

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, PLASTIC SURGERY--

WHAT DO THESE THREE THINGS HAVE IN COMMON, HUH?

ME, IN LESS THAN A WEEK.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIS SHOULDER.

HE'S PROBABLY BLEEDING INTERNALLY.

PUSH ANOTHER BOTTLE OF RINGERS.

TELL DR. SOTTO TO PREP FOR O.R.

'CAUSE I'M OUTTA HERE TONIGHT.

CONVINCE ME I'LL BE NOSTALGIC FOR THIS PLACE

AT THE HALBERSTROM CLINIC.

YOU'RE GOING TO HALBERSTROM?

COSMETIC SURGERY FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

I'M NOT IN IT FOR THE MONEY.

$500,000 THE FIRST YEAR HE MAKES PARTNER.

THE HIGH-PROFIT STUFF MAKES IT POSSIBLE

FOR US TO DO

RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY FOR THE--

NEEDIER PATIENTS. -YOU'RE A SAINT.

YOU GOT ANOTHER CUSTOMER.

I'LL COVER IT.

MY GOING-AWAY PRESENT TO YOU.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

TOO MUCH FUN. SUBSTANCE UNKNOWN.

O.K., STAY WITH US. HEY, STAY WITH US.

WHAT'D YOU TAKE, MAN?

BLUEBIRDS, DILLIES, LOVE BOATS?

I HEARD HALBERSTROM

MIGHT NOT HIRE ANYONE THIS YEAR.

WELL, I'M NOT ANYONE.

MULREADY, SOME OF THE GUYS ARE HAVING A BASH TONIGHT.

A GOING-AWAY PARTY. IF YOU'RE INTERESTED--

NOT IN THIS LIFETIME.

CLEAN UP!

THANKS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, DINNER, HUH?

COME ON, IT'S MY LAST NIGHT.

A COUPLE OF LOUSY BEERS...

GUYS...

I'LL SEND YOU A POST CARD.

WHAT?

AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING SCHMALTZY,

YOU'RE A SCHMUCK,

AND I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.

[BEEP BEEP]

THANKS, TOMMY. I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS

FOR YOU TO SAY THAT.

YOU'RE A GOOD DOCTOR, BEN.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO PRACTICE REAL MEDICINE.

YOU THINK I'M MAKING A MISTAKE

GOING TO HALBERSTROM?

NAH. COSMETIC SURGERY, IT'S CLEAN,

YOU MAKE TONS OF MONEY, NOBODY DIES.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

BYE, BEN.

♪♪ I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ♪♪

♪♪ I AM ♪♪

♪♪ OOH ♪♪

♪♪ CALL ME ♪♪

♪♪ CALL ME BY MY NAME ♪♪

♪♪ CALL ME BY MY NUMBER ♪♪

♪♪ PUT ME THROUGH IT ♪♪

♪♪ I'LL STILL BE DOING IT THE WAY I DO IT ♪♪

♪♪ AND YET ♪♪

♪♪ YOU TRY TO MAKE ME FORGET ♪♪

♪♪ WHO I REALLY AM ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T TELL ME, I KNOW BEST ♪♪

♪♪ I'M NOT THE SAME AS ALL THE REST ♪♪

♪♪ I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ♪♪

♪♪ NOBODY I'D RATHER BE ♪♪

♪♪ I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ♪♪

♪♪ YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME ♪♪

♪♪ I'VE BEEN A PLAYER IN THE CROWD SCENE ♪♪

♪♪ A FLICKER ON THE BIG SCREEN ♪♪

♪♪ MY SOUL EMBRACES ♪♪

♪♪ ONE MORE IN A MILLION FACES ♪♪

♪♪ HIGH HOPES AND ASPIRATIONS ♪♪

OH, COME ON.

♪♪ IDEAS ABOVE MY STATION ♪♪

♪♪ MAYBE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT ALL THIS TIME I TRIED TO WALK ♪♪

♪♪ WITH DIGNITY AND PRIDE ♪♪

♪♪ I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ♪♪

♪♪ NOBODY I'D RATHER BE ♪♪

♪♪ I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ♪♪

♪♪ YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME... ♪♪

WHOA! LOOK OUT!

HEY, STUPID! GO BACK!

HA HA!

♪♪ WITHOUT SOME COMPROMISES ♪♪

♪♪ BECAUSE YOU'LL FIND OUT THAT WE COME ♪♪

♪♪ IN DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES ♪♪

♪♪ NO ONE ♪♪

♪♪ CAN BE MYSELF LIKE I CAN... ♪♪

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. O.K., O.K...

CAN I JUST ASK YOU...

WHERE AM I NOW?

♪♪ YOU ARE THE ONE AND ONLY YOU ♪♪

[HORN HONKS]

♪♪ I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ♪♪

♪♪ NOBODY I'D RATHER BE ♪♪

[RADIO] ♪♪ I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ♪♪

♪♪ YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME... ♪♪♪♪

[SCANNING RADIO DIAL]

[MOO]

WHOA!

AAH !

AAH !

OH, MAN. OH, GOD. OH, GOD.

I'M O.K. I'M O.K.

WHEW!

SHOOT.

ACCIDENT. WOMAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD

WITH A COW!

ALL RIGHT. I'M O.K.

OH, MAN. MY CAR.

THE WHOLE FRONT END IS SHOT!

AM I GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

IS THAT A '56 OR A '57 SPEEDSTER?

'56.

[DOG WHINES]

HEY, GET OUT.

WILL YOU GET OUT OF THE CAR?

GET AWAY FROM THERE!

TOOK ME THREE WEEKS TO BUILD THAT FENCE.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

DOES THIS HAVE A SUPER 90 ENGINE

OR A 1 600?

MY INSURANCE COMPANY WILL PAY FOR THE ENTIRE FENCE.

IS IT O.K.?

IT WON'T BE THE SAME.

THIS AIN'T A KIT CAR, IS IT?

NO, IT AIN'T. IT ISN'T.

MY NAME IS BEN STONE.

I'M A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

AWESOME. WHO THRASHED THE FENCE?

I'M BEN STONE. I CAN GIVE MY ADDRESS IN L.A.

DID HE SAY HE'S BEEN STONED?

HE SAYS HE'S FROM L.A.

SEND ME A BILL,

OR WE CAN HANDLE IT WITH PLASTIC.

I'M NOT REALLY FROM L.A., I'M JUST ON MY WAY TO-

YOU'RE LUCKY I WAS PASSING THROUGH.

WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK, POT?

OH...

I'M A SURGEON. OH, COME ON--

WILL YOU GET AWAY FROM THE CAR?

SORRY.

NOT YOU. THE DOG.

PROBABLY THE FINEST FENCE

I'LL EVER PUT UP.

I KNOW A WILLIE STONE IN STANTON.

THAT FAMILY OF YOURS?

I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.

I WON'T PUT UP WITH ANY SMALL-TOWN BULLSHIT.

WHERE'S THE DANG ENGINE?

WHOA! GET AWAY FROM THE CAR! YOU'RE NOT TOUCHING IT!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE ENGINE IS.

GOTCHA.

LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,

BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, O.K.?

IT WAS NOBODY'S FAULT.

GET ME TO A TELEPHONE.

I'LL CALL A PORSCHE MECHANIC IN THE NEXT BIG CITY,

I'LL BE ON MY WAY,

AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO DOING WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO.

HUH?

I ADMIT IT! I FLATTENED THE DAMN FENCE!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, LOCK ME UP?

COURT FINDS THE DEFENDANT GUILTY OF CRIMES

UNDER MOTOR VEHICLE CODE 453-1 9, RECKLESS DRIVING,

466-2, RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT.

THIS IS INSANE.

NO, THIS IS GRADY.

YOUR HONOR, THERE WERE COWS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

MY INSURANCE COMPANY WILL PAY FOR A NEW FENCE.

[GAVEL BANGS]

I BUILT THAT FENCE MYSELF!

YOUR INSURANCE CAN'T PAY ME

FOR A FENCE I BUILT MYSELF.

NEXT BEST THING WOULD BE A FENCE YOU BUILT.

THESE HANDS ARE DELICATE INSTRUMENTS.

I DOUBT YOU COULD BUILD A GOOD FENCE, ANYWAY.

THEREFORE, SINCE YOU'RE A LICENSED PHYSICIAN

AND WE'RE A TOWN IN ACUTE SHORTAGE OF MEDICAL CARE--

YOU WOULDN'T.

YOUR SENTENCE WILL BE 1 6 HOURS

OF COMMUNITY SERVICE SERVED AS RESIDENT DOCTOR

AT GRADY MEMORIAL HOSPITAL.

I HAVE TO BE IN LOS ANGELES BY TUESDAY.

32 HOURS.

THIS IS EXTORTION !

YOU WANT 64 HOURS?

NO.

COURT IS ADJOURNED.

ALL RISE.

I AM SO FUCKED.

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, DOC.

YOU'RE IN THE BUCKLE OF THE BIBLE BELT.

MIGHT TRY SAYING "FUDGE" OR SOMETHING.

"FIDDLESTICKS" TOO STRONG?

DEPENDS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR AUTOMOBILE.

I ALWAYS WANTED AN EXCUSE

TO BUY ME A SET OF METRIC TOOLS.

SH...

SUGAR.

[THUNDER]

[GROANING]

COME ON.

SHIT.

HEY.

I'M DR. BENJAMIN STONE.

NURSE PACKER, I'M ASSUMING JUDGE EVANS TOLD YOU...

FINE. HERE'S WHAT I NEED...

A COMFORTABLE BED, HOT SHOWER, WARM MEAL,

A LOCKER TO PUT MY STUFF IN, A GENERAL IDEA--

COULD YOU SHOW ME

SOME KIND OF IDENTIFICATION?

I'M WEARING GLASSES THERE. I WEAR CONTACTS NOW.

MY HAIR'S A LITTLE SHORTER.

[SCRATCHING]

THAT'S A--AHEM--MUSTACHE.

IT'S A BAD PICTURE.

COULD YOU DIRECT ME TO THE PHYSICIAN ON CALL TONIGHT?

I'LL SPEAK TO HIM.

"WHEN TO CALL ME--

"YOU'VE BEEN STABBED, SHOT, POISONED,

"SEPARATED FROM AN APPENDAGE,

"KNOCKED OR BEATEN UNCONSCIOUS,

"RUN OVER BY A TRACTOR MOWER,

"OR GENERALLY ABOUT TO BLEED TO DEATH.

OTHERWISE, LEAVE ME ALONE."

SIGNED, "DR. AURELIUS EDSEL HOGUE, M.D."

I'M IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

ZWIEBACK AND VITAMIN C IN THE CABINET

IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

NO.

AAH !

OH, GOOD, YOU'RE AWAKE.

WELCOME TO GRADY. I'M MAYOR NICHOLSON.

SECOND I HEARD THERE'S A BIG-CITY DOCTOR IN TOWN,

I LEFT THAT REHEARSAL.

I HIGHTAILED OVER HERE LIKE AN EIGHT-LEGGED DOG

TO SEE IF I CAN MAKE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE.

SHOOT, WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.

NO. BETTER THAN THIS?

SAY, THESE YOURS?

I'M NOT CLAIMING GRADY'S NO PARIS, FRANCE,

BUT WE GOT TWO GAS STATIONS,

GOT US A WINN-DIXIE, GOT US CABLE TV.

WE GOT US A NEW TENNIS COURT.

NO, YOU DOCTORS PLAY GOLF.

LEARNING HOW TO SURF, ACTUALLY.

THIS PRETTY?

WE HAD THIS FIXED UP FOR A DOCTOR

THAT WE GOT THROUGH THE WANT ADS COUPLE YEARS AGO.

NOBODY'S BEEN IN IT FOR A WHILE.

MAYOR NICHOLSON,

I'M ON MY WAY TO CALIFORNIA.

I'M NOT STAYING HERE.

OH, NO. OF COURSE NOT.

WELL, MAYBE NOT.

GIVE GRADY A CHANCE.

SHE MIGHT SNEAK UP ON YOU.

I'LL GET THE LIGHT.

SURPRISE!

WELCOMING COMMITTEE!

I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.

EVENING, LADIES.

BEN STONE, THIS HERE IS MISS VIOLET

AND MISS LILLIAN AND MISS MADDIE.

LADIES, THIS HERE IS BEN STONE, M.D.

FRIED CHICKEN, BOILED PEANUTS,

AND SWEET POTATO PIE.

CATFISH, BISCUITS,

BUTTER BEANS, AND WATERMELON.

HUNGRY MAN DINNER.

I'M A BAD COOK.

I GUESS I'LL JUST SAY ADIEU

AND COME CHAUFFEUR YOU IN THE MORNING.

NO, WAIT, WAIT. COME ON.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

LEAVE ME HERE WITH THEM.

IT'S GETTING LATE.

DON'T WORRY. ONLY ONE OF THEM HORNY.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHICH ONE, THOUGH.

YOUR FACE...

YOU WANT A COCKTAIL?

ANYWAY, THE HIGH PROFILE, HIGH PROFIT...AHEM...WORK

JUST MAKES IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO

THE MORE IMPORTANT RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY

FOR NEEDIER PATIENTS...

AND GET A BIG HOUSE ON THE BEACH.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE...

A MAN AS GOOD-LOOKING AS DR. STONE SHOULD BE MARRIED.

MAYBE HE AIN'T FOUND HIS ADAM'S RIB YET, VI.

MAYBE HE INDULGES IN THE LOVE

THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME.

LILLIAN.

WILL I GO BLIND?

IT'S MOONSHINE, RIGHT?

WELL, OUZO, ACTUALLY.

WE TOOK A CRUISE TO GREECE.

NOT ME. I WASN'T INVITED.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE GOLDEN-AGERS TOURS.

SUNSET TOURS, VI, HONEY.

THEY ATE THE BRAINS OUT OF A GOAT.

NOT ME.

WE ATE DOG.

I DIDN'T EAT NO DOG.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T.

DR. STONE, THERE'S A LEGEND ABOUT FRIENDSHIP QUILTS.

[LILLIAN] THAT'S BUNK.

FOLKS SAY THAT THE FIRST PERSON

TO SLEEP UNDER A FRIENDSHIP QUILT

WILL MEET THE ONE THEY'RE GOING TO MARRY.

DREAM ABOUT THE ONE THEY'RE GOING TO MARRY,

AND IT'S BUNK.

WHAT A FINE HAND HE HAS.

DR. STONE?

DR. STONE.

DR. STONE.

AHH...AHH...

OHH...GOD.

OW. OW. SHIT.

[BELCHES]

OH, GOD.

HELLO.

UH...HI.

GOOD MORNING.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

UH, NO.

NO, NO.

UM...

I'M A DOCTOR.

YEAH, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

UH, HEY, I'M SORRY.

WOULD YOU--CAN--

DO YOU WANT THIS?

IF YOU'RE A DOCTOR,

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING YOU HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE.

YOU CAN BLINK NOW.

THE BOYS FROM THE STATE LEGISLATURE COME HERE,

DO THEIR RECREATING.

BOY, CAN THEY LITTER.

YUP, PRESIDENTS COME HERE

DURING THE FISHING SEASON.

ON PURPOSE?

LOOKING AT ALL THIS, BEN, BOY,

I'M SURE YOU'RE THINKING,

"I'VE COME TO GRADY

AT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TIME OF THE YEAR."

BUT BOY, THESE DOGWOODS, AZALEAS,

WHEN THEY BLOOMING, THEY CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE

TO THE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION OF COLOR

COME FALL.

LOOK, NICK, YOU'RE THE MAYOR.

YOU HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO COMMUTE MY SENTENCE.

COULD YOU DO THAT?

I'LL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE.

I GET BACK TO L.A., WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

HOW'M I GONNA CONVINCE YOU TO STAY HERE

IF YOU'RE NOT HERE?

WE NEED A DOCTOR, YOU NEED PATIENTS.

GET OFF THE INTERSTATE, BEN STONE.

HMM?

RIGHT, HUH?

DON'T LET THE SIGNS OF PROSPERITY

AND URBAN SPRAWL

HERE IN DOWNTOWN SCARE YOU.

WE'RE STILL THE SLEEPY LITTLE PARADISE

THAT MANY BIG-CITY SHRINKS RECOMMEND

FOR THEIR PATIENTS WITH NERVOUS DISORDERS.

IT'S THE CALMING EFFECT

OF GRADY'S NATURAL OZONES.

THERE'S A WORLD-CLASS MENTAL HOSPITAL

JUST UP THE ROAD.

Ben: THAT'S A COMFORTING THOUGHT.

BEN STONE, DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?

IF YOU LIKE COFFEE, WE WON'T GO IN HERE.

IS THAT HIM?

THAT'S HIM.

HE'S YOUNG, HUH?

BOYS, THIS HERE IS BEN STONE,

THE HOLLYWOOD PHYSICIAN

WHO'S GOING TO BE SPENDING A FEW DAYS WITH US.

BEN, THIS HERE'S MORTIMER, JOHN, AUBREY.

PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.

SORTY IN THE CORNER THERE

GOT A COW THAT SINGS.

YOU REMEMBER COTTON, MISS LILLIAN.

HOLLYWOOD... LA-LA LAND.

BEVERLY HILLS, ACTUALLY.

WHATEVER. WILLIAM'S BEEN A MOVIE STAR.

AUBREY, IT WAS JUST AN ARMY TRAINING FILM.

YOU WERE THE STAR.

YOU PLAYED THE LEADING ROLE.

IT WAS ABOUT VD. I WAS THE BACTERIA.

HAD A BIG SCENE WITH PENICILLIN.

MMM, YES.

A DEATH SCENE.

TAKE A LOAD OFF, DOCTOR.

THIS WILL STOP YOUR WORRIES.

OR START THEM.

DOC, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR TOWN?

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT ALL YET.

OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE.

OPPORTUNITY ABOUNDS HERE.

THE GROWTH RATE WAS UP .3% LAST YEAR.

THERE'S NO CRIME.

WE ARE THE COUNTY SEAT.

NO POINT IN BEATING A DEAD HORSE TO DEATH.

THAT'S ALL IN THE BROCHURE.

BEN STONE...

WE ARE PREPARED TO OFFER YOU

A PERMANENT POSITION

AS MEDICAL PRACTITIONER SUPREME

HERE IN THE GREATER GRADY METROPOLITAN AREA

AND SQUASH CAPITAL OF THE SOUTH.

THE SALARY'S $27,000 PER ANNUM

AND PLUS HOUSING.

27,000?

YOU SEE, NICK, I TOLD YOU--

HOLD ON, HOLD ON. 30,000.

LOOK, YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

I NOTICED RIGHT OFF

HE DOUBLE-KNOTS HIS SHOELACES.

EXCELLENT CREDENTIALS.

SHOWS HE'S CAREFUL.

ANYWAY, DON'T YOU ALREADY HAVE A DOCTOR?

WE GOT HOGUE. THE PROBLEM WITH HOGUE IS...

HE'S OLD.

OLD AND WHOLLY UNPLEASANT.

HE WON'T BE AROUND FOREVER.

35,000?

THAT TAKES A UNANIMOUS VOTE

OF THE CITY COUNCIL.

ALL IN FAVOR SAY AYE.

Men: AYE.

I ABSTAIN.

YOU ALWAYS ABSTAIN.

LOOK, I APPRECIATE YOUR PROBLEM...

B-BUT I'M NOT THE ANSWER.

I GOT A BIG JOB INTERVIEW ON THE WEST COAST.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT I GET THERE SOON.

PLASTIC SURGERY, YOU KNOW?

THE TRUTH IS, THEY COULD PROBABLY PAY ME

ABOUT 20 TIMES WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD.

THERE'S LOTS OF SIMILARITIES

BETWEEN GRADY AND LOS ANGELES.

THEY'RE JUST BIGGER.

WHAT DO I OWE YOU?

1 0 BUCKS.

FOR A CUP OF COFFEE AND SOME TOAST?

GOTCHA.

WHY DON'T YOU WAIT TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND

TILL AFTER THE SQUASH FESTIVAL?

ALL I'M SAYING, BEN STONE,

IS GIVE GRADY A CHANCE.

I'LL BET YOU'LL LIKE HER.

YEAH, WELL...

NICE MEETING YOU...ALL.

THANKS.

WELL, HOWDY, NURSE PACKER. HOW YOU DOING?

DOCTORS' LOUNGE IS DOWN THE HALL.

YOU CAN CHANGE IN THERE,

AND THEN I'LL HAVE LOU SHOW YOU AROUND.

THIS IS YOUR TIME CARD.

[TIME CLOCK RINGS]

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.

LOCAL CALL?

I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY LOCAL.

PAY PHONE'S IN THE WAITING ROOM.

YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S-- NO, IT'S A COLLECT--

IT'S A COLLECT CALL

FROM DR. BENJAMIN STONE.

STONE.

DO YOU MIND? THIS IS A--

PERSONAL CALL.

I GUESS SO.

MR. STONE?

MR. STONE, ARE YOU THERE?

YEAH. HI. THIS IS DR. STONE.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING.

I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE

TO MAKE IT ON TUESDAY.

NO, I JUST-- THERE WAS A...

A...

UM, A MEDICAL EMERGENCY,

AND--AND, UH, THEY DON'T HAVE A DOCTOR,

SO I VOLUNTEERED MY SERVICES,

AND I'LL NEED TO STAY

UNTIL THE SITUATION STABILIZES.

YEAH, MEDICALLY SPEAKING.

YOU'RE INTERVIEWING OTHER DOCTORS?

UH, FRIDAY.

O.K., FRIDAY. I COULD DO THAT.

NO, THANK YOU. THANK DR. HA--

[DIAL TONE]

THAT WAS BETTER TAP-DANCING

THAN I'VE SEEN ON STAR SEARCH.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU TELL ME YOU'RE HERE

FOR A PHYSICAL,

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE MY DAY.

IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL TO FLIRT WITH THE PATIENTS.

I'M JUST ON MY WAY TO BEVERLY HILLS.

PLASTIC SURGERY.

NOT THAT YOU NEED ANY.

NICE TRY.

SO, IS THIS THE GQ LOOK FOR YOUNG URBAN DOCTORS?

WELL, I'VE SPENT THE LAST 2 YEARS

DOING 1 8-HOUR DAYS IN THE E.R.

I FIND THESE ARE PRETTY COMFORTABLE.

YOU DON'T LIKE THEM?

NO.

O.K., FINE. I REALLY ENJOYED OUR TIME TOGETHER HERE,

BUT SINCE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT A PATIENT

AND I'M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE,

TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND A GUY NAMED LOU

WHO DRIVES AN AMBULANCE,

I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M LOU.

[BABY CRYING]

WHERE DID ALL THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?

FOLKS HEAR THERE'S A DOCTOR ON DUTY

AT THE HOSPITAL,

THEY COME RUNNING.

ANY OLD DOCTOR.

SEND THEM IN.

O.K., MR...TIDWELL.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GOT ON YOUR FOOT?

THAT'S A POULTICE.

NURSE PACKER!

I GOT A HOLD OF DOC HOGUE ON THE CB.

HE SAID THAT WOULD HOLD ME TILL I COME IN.

YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE?

YES, SIR. CHIMNEY SOOT, BISCUIT FLOUR, AND LARD.

DOC HOGUE SAID THAT--

YOU WANT TO WIPE THAT CRAP

OFF MR. TIDWELL'S FOOT, PLEASE,

AND CLEAN THAT WOUND OUT?

YOU ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN?

DON'T KNOW.

YOU'D HAVE TO ASK DOC HOGUE.

DOUBT DOC HOGUE KNOWS IT'S EVEN BEEN DISCOVERED.

[WHIMPERS]

O.K. NURSE PACKER,

I'M GOING TO WASH THIS WITH BETADINE,

CLOSE IT WITH A BUTTERFLY,

GIVE IT A STERILE DRESSING.

YOU SURE YOU OUGHT TO BE DOING THAT

SO DARN FAST?

WELL, I HOPE SO, MR. TIDWELL,

BECAUSE JE SUIS FINI.

OLÉ.

O.K., MRS. OWENS,

IF YOU COULD PLEASE GET ON THE TABLE

AND PUT YOUR FEET IN THE STIRRUPS.

WE'RE JUST HERE ABOUT OUR MAIL.

IT'S FROM MY SISTER.

WE DON'T READ.

THIS EVER HAPPEN TO YOU BEFORE, MR. McCLARY?

HELL, YES. IT--IT HAPPENS.

THIS AIN'T NEARLY THE BIGGEST ONE

I EVER TOOK.

I HAD A HOOK IN MY THIGH ONCE.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN, I'D SAY...

[WHISTLES]

EXCUSE ME, I-- YEAH, WELL...

FISHING'S A DANGEROUS BUSINESS.

WELL, IT CAN BE.

"AND AFTER THE COW DIED,

"THERE JUST WASN'T ANY REASON

"FOR HIM TO GO ON.

"MEANWHILE, ELLEN'S GOT HERSELF MIXED UP

"WITH A PAKISTANI GENTLEMAN

"WHO NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND

"WHAT HE IS SAYING,

NOT EVEN ELLEN."

I DON'T SEE ANY TOXIC STRIATIONS.

RED STREAKS.

YOU SURE IT WAS A BLACK WIDOW?

OH, UH, HERE.

I KEPT IT IN SOME TP.

OH, DEAR LORD, IT'S ESCAPED.

SHIT!

THERE IT IS!

THERE HE GOES! THERE HE GOES!

STEP ON IT! OH, OH!

"SHE THINKS RAY'S HAVING AN AFFAIR

"WITH THE PASTOR'S WIFE,

BUT RAY SWEARS IT'S JUST SCRUB OAK RASH."

RAY IS A NUT, I'M TELLING YOU.

IT'S LIKE A BLURRED SPOT IN MY VISION.

OUT THERE.

NO...

THERE.

NO. NO, THERE!

I'M CURED.

"THE PASTOR'S WIFE GOT BUSTED

"FOR GROWING MARIJUANA

"OUT BEHIND THE RECTORY.

"SO SHE'LL BE SPENDING A SPELL UP IN TUPELO

AT THE MINIMUM SECURITY PRISON."

WHAT, THAT'S IT?

WHAT ABOUT ELLEN AND THE PAKISTANI?

[WHISTLES]

[TIME CLOCK RINGS]

NURSE PACKER?

NURSE PACKER? WHERE'S DOC HOGUE?

THE BOY CAN'T BREATHE RIGHT,

AND HE'S TURNING BLUE.

I'M THE DOCTOR HERE.

NURSE PACKER, YOU GOT TO CALL DOC HOGUE.

PLEASE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M THE DOCTOR.

HOW LONG'S HE BEEN LIKE THIS?

ALL AFTERNOON.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

ZEB. ZEB.

HEY, ZEB. THIS WILL BE A LITTLE COLD.

I JUST WANT TO HEAR YOUR HEART.

DOES YOUR TUMMY HURT?

ALL RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HIM

DOWN TO THE EXAMINATION ROOM?

YOU KNOW WHERE THAT IS? RIGHT THERE. O.K.?

COULD YOU HAVE ZEB

GET UP ON THE TABLE FOR ME?

CALL HOGUE. GET HIM HERE RIGHT AWAY.

HE DOESN'T LIKE TO BE DISTURBED.

FORGET HOGUE. WHAT'S THE REFERRAL HOSPITAL?

ATHENS GENERAL.

CALL ATHENS GENERAL. TELL THEM WE GOT

A POSSIBLE CARDIAC EMERGENCY.

CALL LOU.

TELL HER TO FIRE UP THE AMBULANCE.

FORGET IT.

TELL THEM TO SEND THE HELICOPTER,

AND GET ME THE MEDICAL HISTORY ON THIS BOY.

I THINK I BETTER CALL DR. HOGUE.

DAMN IT! LISTEN TO ME. HOGUE IS NOT HERE.

I'M HERE. YOU DO IT.

O.K., HERE'S THE SITUATION.

YOUR SON IS TURNING BLUE

BECAUSE HE HAS AN ABNORMAL MITRAL VALVE.

IT'S CAUSING A BACKFLOW OF BLOOD IN HIS HEART.

WE MAY HAVE TO OPERATE.

I'M GOING TO SEND HIM TO ATHENS GENERAL.

DR. HOGUE SAYS YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A COKE.

WHAT?

HE SAYS HE'S PROBABLY GOT A BELLYACHE

AND THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A COCA-COLA.

LISTEN, DOCTOR,

I GOT A BOY IN CARDIAC CRISIS.

YOU CAN'T TREAT THAT

WITH COCA-COLA OR BISQUIK.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO USE REAL MEDICINE THIS TIME.

I'M SENDING HIM TO ATHENS GENERAL.

YOU'RE HIS REGULAR FUCKING DOCTOR.

GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT OF BED,

GET DOWN HERE AND GO WITH HIM!

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE

THAT GODDAMN CHOPPER TO SHOW?

IT SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

[HONK HONK]

WHERE'S STONE?

DR. HOGUE?

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF

SNOT-NOSED PUPPY DOCTOR ARE YOU?

WAKE ME OUT OF A SOUND SLEEP,

SCARE THESE POOR FOLKS OUT OF THEIR SKIVVIES.

-MITRAL VALVE REGURGE. -HUH?

I'VE HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE WITH IT IN E.R.

I'VE EVEN ASSISTED IN SURGERY TO CORRECT.

GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW LONG HE'S HAD THIS.

I GUESS YOU OVERLOOKED IT.

WHY DON'T YOU CHECK HIS COLOR?

NURSE PACKER, GET THAT CRAP OFF THE BOY.

GENE, YOU GAVE HIM THE BISMUTH SUBNITRATE?

AT FIRST WE THOUGHT IT WAS THE SKITTERS.

YOU GAVE HIM TOO MUCH, AS USUAL.

TURNED HIM THREE SHADES OF BLUE.

BISMUTH SUBNITRATE?

HOME-GROWN ANTACID.

YOU HEAR A HEART MURMUR?

NO, IT'S HARD TO DETECT.

YOU BEEN SAMPLING YOUR DADDY'S CHAW?

UH-HUH.

THAT'LL BE 65 CENTS.

WELL, NICE WORK, HOLLYWOOD.

YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO CRACK OPEN THE CHEST

OF A 6-YEAR-OLD BOY

TO CURE A CASE OF DIARRHEA.

NOW, LISTEN UP, SMART ASS,

NEXT TIME I TELL YOU

HOW TO TREAT A PATIENT OF MINE,

YOU BETTER DAMN WELL DO IT...DOCTOR.

I DOUBT YOU'D KNOW CRAP FROM CRISCO.

HEY.

GUTEN MORGEN, HERR DOKTOR.

UH, YEAH.

RIGHT.

SHIT!

UH, WAIT.

WAIT. HOLD YOUR HORSES, DOC.

WHAT IF I WALKED IN

IN THE MIDDLE OF A HERNIA OPERATION,

SEE SOME POOR GENTLEMAN'S GUTS ALL OVER?

YOU KILLED MY CAR.

I RESENT THAT.

THAT CAR WAS MY LIFE, MELVIN !

THAT CAR WAS MY BABY.

YOU WANT ME TO STOP,

I COULD BOX IT, SHIP IT TO HOLLYWOOD.

NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE.

OLPUMPENGEHAUSEN.

YOU AND ME CALL IT AN OIL PUMP CASING.

LANE HAD TWO YEARS OF GERMAN

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

ES IST KAPUTT.

DOC, LET'S STEP INTO MY OFFICE.

I DON'T NEED A CAR.

I'M MOVING TO LOS ANGELES.

WHAT DO I NEED A CAR FOR?

LASH YOURSELF TO THE MAST, DOC.

THIS FELLA UP IN OREGON,

HE'S GOT AN OIL PUMP

HE COULD AIR EXPRESS TO US TOMORROW.

239 BUCKS, PLUS SHIPPING.

ONLY ONE PROBLEM.

OREGON EXPLODED.

HEE!

NO.

HE DON'T TAKE CREDIT.

UH-HUH.

OR CHECKS. AND TOMORROW BEING SATURDAY,

YOU CAN'T JUST WIRE SOME CASH TO HIM.

O.K., MELVIN, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

HOW DO YOU PROPOSE I PAY FOR THIS?

I WAS HOPING YOU'D PAY ME,

THEN I COULD TRADE HIM

FOR A FRONT ROCKER ASSEMBLY I GOT FROM A '68 NOVA,

BUT...

YOU DON'T TAKE CREDIT OR CHECKS.

NO, SIR. I APOLOGIZE.

HOW LONG WILL THIS GUY IN OREGON WAIT?

I IMAGINE I CAN STALL HIM

TILL SUNDAY NOON.

NOW, HE GOT ANOTHER TAKER--IN ARIZONA--

BUT I WAS FIRST.

STALL HIM.

HI, DOC.

HI, DOC.

MORNING, DOC.

MORNING, BEN STONE.

DR. STONE.

HOWDY, Y'ALL.

DR. STONE.

DR. STONE, I PRESUME?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HI.

HI.

YOU'RE TALLER THAN THEY SAID YOU WERE.

I'M SITTING ON A STOOL.

OH.

AND YOU ARE...

DYING TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

HERE'S YOUR BREAKFAST.

I HAVEN'T ORDERED YET.

COMPLIMENTS OF THE HOUSE.

DON'T LET HOGUE SCARE YOU OFF.

WE KNOW YOU WEREN'T AIMING

TO KILL THAT BOY LAST NIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE NOT PLANNING ON STAYING IN GRADY.

ONLY AS LONG AS I HAVE TO.

THANK GOD. FOR A SECOND THERE,

I THOUGHT THEY GOT THEIR HOOKS IN YOU, TOO.

YOU DON'T LIKE GRADY?

NO.

SO HOW COME YOU DON'T LEAVE?

WITH YOU?

IS THAT A PROPOSITION, DOCTOR?

I'D BETTER EAT THIS BEFORE IT GETS COLD.

NICE MEETING YOU. THANKS, LILLIAN.

PROSSER ON TORTS? CIVIL PROCEDURE?

A LITTLE LIGHT READING THIS MORNING?

DID I INVITE YOU TO SIT DOWN?

NO, BUT YOU WERE GOING TO.

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY AND ALL.

NOW WHAT?

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.

O.K. I LIKE MY PRIVACY, I'M A VEGETARIAN,

AND I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D TAKE THAT HAM

BACK TO THE COUNTER WITH YOU. IT GIVES ME THE WILLIES.

UH, I DIDN'T ORDER THIS.

OH, LET'S SEE NOW.

I SUPPOSE YOU'LL SAY SOMETHING CUTE

TO STALL YOUR RETREAT.

MAYBE TELL ME ABOUT THE BIG CITY,

ALL THE THINGS I'M MISSING

LIVING IN THIS DINKY OLD TOWN,

AND HOW YOU'D LIKE TO TAKE ME OUT OF IT.

YEAH. ISN'T THAT WHY

YOU'RE GOING TO LAW SCHOOL,

TO GET OUT OF THIS DINKY LITTLE TOWN?

I'M NOT GOING YET,

AND I PLAN TO PRACTICE IN GRADY

WHEN I'M THROUGH.

YEAH. LOOKS LIKE A HOTBED

OF LEGAL ACTIVITY.

WELL, MALPRACTICE FOR VISITING YOUNG SURGEONS

SEEMS PROMISING.

WHO'S THE GREEN APPLE, VILOULA?

HENRY, THIS IS BEN STONE.

HEY.

OH, YEAH. THE NEW CROAKER.

HANK GORDON.

YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR.

BOYFRIEND?

FRIEND FRIEND.

NEED ANY LIFE INSURANCE?

WHAT?

YOU SHOULD BE VESTED

IN A TERM LIFE PROGRAM.

PROBABLY QUARTER OF A MIL TO START.

COME BY MY OFFICE.

WE'LL RUN A "WHAT IF,"

OR ARE YOU TOO CHICKEN?

DR. STONE, I READ THAT DOCTORS

HAVE THE HIGHEST SUICIDE RATE

IN ANY PROFESSION EXCEPT FOR DENTISTRY.

NOW, IS THAT TRUE?

I WON'T UNDERWRITE DENTISTS.

NEVER TRUST A MAN

WHO'LL PUT HIS HAND IN YOUR MOUTH.

WELL, I'D LOVE TO STAY

AND HEAR WHERE THIS CONVERSATION'S HEADED,

BUT IF YOU'LL ALL EXCUSE ME.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

DO DOCTORS KNOW MORE ABOUT...SEX

THAN NORMAL PEOPLE?

AHEM.

I NEED SOME KETCHUP.

I HAVE A FAIR KNOWLEDGE OF ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.

IT'S ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING.

BYE, DOC.

BYE.

WOMEN TROUBLE, BEN STONE?

NAH.

SQUAT IT HERE.

REGARD THE GRADY SQUASH.

LOOKS LIKE A YELLOW ZUCCHINI.

NOPE, NOPE.

SEE, UP UNTIL 1 933,

YOU HAD YOUR GRADY. YOU HAD YOUR ZUCCHINI.

THEY GOING AT IT, GOURD TO GOURD.

FREAK TORNADO ACCIDENT

WIPED OUT A WHOLE SHIPMENT OF GRADYS

BOUND FOR, I PERSONALLY BELIEVE,

AGRICULTURAL STARDOM

AT THE CHICAGO WORLD'S FAIR.

ZUCCHINI TOOK THERE. NEVER RELENTED.

IF IT HAD GONE THE OTHER WAY,

NO TELLING WHERE THIS TOWN'D BE TODAY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

TIMING.

THE SAME THING WITH WOMEN,

AND WITH SOUTHERN WOMEN, WELL,

THEY REQUIRE SUBSTANTIAL COMMITMENT.

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO STAY HERE SIX MONTHS.

ARE YOU A BETTING MAN?

WELL, I HAVE BEEN KNOWN ON OCCASION.

TAKE ME ABOUT A WEEK.

YOU MEAN...VILOULA IN THE CENTER POCKET?

1 0 BUCKS.

1 0 BUCKS?

O.K. YOU GOT IT.

I--FEELS LIKE I'M FLEECING YOU.

EASY.

UGH.

HELLO, NURSE PACKER.

[BELL RINGS]

ALL RIGHT. O.K.

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW.

I GOT EIGHT YEARS OF HIGHER EDUCATION,

ONE YEAR OF INTERNSHIP,

AND ONE YEAR OF RESIDENCY.

I'M $70,000 IN DEBT.

NOW I'M WAYLAID IN THIS HEE-HAW HELL,

AND YOU INSIST ON CLOCKING ME IN AND OUT

LIKE SOME FACTORY WORKER.

WELL, NO! N-O! NO!

THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.

[DOOR OPENS]

I BELIEVE YOU HAVE A VISITOR, DOCTOR.

DOC,

MY FOOT FEELS SO GOOD, I BROUGHT YOU THIS PIG.

[PIG SNORTS]

O.K. AHEM.

I CAN'T ABIDE BEING IN NO MAN'S DEBT.

THIS PIG'S ALL I GOT TO GIVE.

UH, I'M ALREADY PAID, MORE OR LESS,

BY THE HOSPITAL.

I REALLY CAN'T ACCEPT YOUR PIG.

IT'S A DONE DEAL.

SHE'S YOUR PIG NOW.

GOD BLESS YOU BOTH.

AHH.

KEEP YOUR ANIMAL OUTSIDE.

THIS IS A HOSPITAL.

[SQUEALING]

[TIME CLOCK RINGS]

[SQUEALING]

NICE PIG THERE, DOC.

THANK YOU.

LOVELY PIG, DR. STONE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

APPRECIATE IT.

NICE PIG, DOC.

NICE PIG, DOC.

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

BEN STONE!

HEY, I THINK I JUST TOOK AWAY

YOUR LAST REASON TO GO TO CALIFORNIA.

MORRISVILLE DRUM AND BUGLE CORPS.

THEY PLAYED LAST FOUR YEARS

IN THE ROSE PARADE.

I GOT THEM UNDER EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT--

NICK, NICK, I'M NOT STAYING.

SURE, YOU ARE.

BY THE WAY, DINNER AT MY HOUSE TOMORROW, 6:00.

DINNER?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU YOU'RE GUEST OF HONOR?

SHOOT A MONKEY!

IF MY HEAD WASN'T ATTACHED, I'D NEED WOOD SCREWS.

NICE PIG, DOC.

THANKS.

CAN I BRING A DATE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

CAN YOU?

THIS IS BEN STONE YOU'RE TALKING TO.

COME ON, PIG.

[SQUEALING]

FINE PIG, DOCTOR.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

MELVIN?

MELVIN?

MELVIN?

OH, HEY, DOC.

WE'RE JUST REHEARSING FOR THE PAGEANT.

WE DOING A POLLINATION RAP SONG.

UH, MELVIN, LISTEN.

I, UH, DON'T HAVE THE MONEY

FOR THE OLPUMPENGEHAUSEN,

UH, THING.

I MEAN,

WHEN I SAY I HAVEN'T GOT THE MONEY,

THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

I'M GOOD FOR THE MONEY,

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF ACCESSING IT.

CAN WE WORK SOMETHING OUT?

THIS CAR'S GOT TO BE READY

BY THE TIME I LEAVE, YOU KNOW?

THAT YOUR PIG?

YEAH.

YOU, UH...

YOU WANT TO TRADE THE PIG FOR THE PART?

IF YOU CAN PART WITH THE PIG.

GOOD.

HI.

HI.

YOU JUST PICK THOSE?

YES, MA'AM.

THEY'RE PROTECTED BY LAW.

STATE FLOWERS.

FIGURES.

WELL, I'M ALREADY SERVING TIME

FOR THE FENCE.

I MAY AS WELL TAKE MY CHANCES.

MAMA?

MAMA, WHO IS IT? WHO ARE YOU?

I'M, UH, UH, BEN.

EMMA, PUT THESE IN WATER, O.K.?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PICK THESE.

USE THE PLASTIC PITCHER.

YEAH. SHE'S MINE.

SHE'S 4.

YOU WANT TO RETREAT NOW?

NO, NO. I--

NO. ACTUALLY, I JUST CAME BY

BECAUSE I NEED A DATE FOR DINNER

TOMORROW NIGHT.

NICK NICHOLSON'S?

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

CAN'T POOP IN THIS TOWN

WITHOUT EVERYONE KNOWING WHAT COLOR IT IS.

I WAS, UH, FIXING TO HAVE A COCKTAIL.

ARE YOU IN A HURRY?

OH, MAN, THAT'S TART.

IT'S CALLED A SLOW, COMFORTABLE SCREW

UP AGAINST A WALL,

WITH A TWIST.

IS THAT A GRADY SPECIALTY?

NO. NEW YORK CITY.

NEW YORK?

I WORKED AT ONE OF THOSE WEIRDO THEME BARS.

WAYNE AND I WENT TO COLLEGE IN NEW YORK.

WAYNE?

THEN HE DROPPED OUT, I GOT PREGNANT.

HE COULDN'T GET WORK, SO I BARTENDED.

I MANAGED TO FINISH SCHOOL, THOUGH.

UH, WAYNE ISN'T STILL--

WAYNE IS A PROFESSIONAL DANCER.

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE EXOTIC

CHIPPENDALE THINGS.

HE'S IN BOSTON, MIAMI. I CAN'T KEEP TRACK.

HE LEFT ME AFTER EMMA WAS BORN.

I DIVORCED HIM AND CAME RUNNING BACK HERE.

WAYNE HAS THIS EXTREMELY HIGH OPINION

OF HIS LEGS.

YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T PICTURE YOU

IN THE BIG CITY.

IN NEW YORK.

GOD, THAT'S LIKE ME...

IN GRADY?

YEAH.

WELL, PEEL AN ONION, THERE'S LOTS OF LAYERS.

WHAT LAYER IS HANK ON?

HENRY GORDON'S SWEET ON ME,

AND HE'S PRETTY DECENT AND SOLID

ONCE YOU GET PAST

THE "INSURANCE REBEL WITHOUT A CLAUSE" ROUTINE.

DECENT AND SOLID.

VERY ROMANTIC.

I CAN SEE YOU COMING

FROM HALF A MILE AWAY, DR. STONE,

YOU AND YOUR SLICK CITY WAYS.

I SUSPECT YOUR VERSION OF ROMANCE

IS WHATEVER WILL SEPARATE ME

FROM MY PANTIES.

HEY, HEY, LOOK.

ALL I'M TALKING ABOUT IS DINNER.

YOU KNOW, IN PUBLIC. WEAR A DRESS.

PANTIES ARE OPTIONAL.

WELL, I NEVER HAVE HAD DINNER

AT THE MAYOR'S HOUSE.

OH, BOY.

AND AFTER ALL,

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY REFUSE THE MAN

WHO SAVED JASMINE FROM THE BUTCHER?

WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

TIDWELL'S PIG.

HE WAS ABOUT TO SELL HER FOR PORK CHOPS,

YOU HADN'T FIXED HIS FOOT, MADE HIM FEEL GUILTY.

EMMA LOVES PIGS.

YOU KEEPING HER OVER AT YOUR HOUSE?

[GLASS BREAKS]

LANE.

LANE! LANE, WHERE'S MELVIN?

WHERE'S MELVIN?

I WANT MY PIG BACK.

[STATIC] MELVIN'S NOT HERE, DOC. HE'S AT CHURCH.

DID YOU SAY HE WENT TO CHURCH?

AT THIS HOUR?

A BIG REVIVAL MEETING IN TYLERVILLE.

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO COME OUT HERE?

'CAUSE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SAYING.

MELVIN'S GONE TO CHURCH.

HE'S GONE TO TYLERVILLE.

THE PIG? SHE GOT TOOK TO THE BUTCHER.

MELVIN TOOK MY PIG TO THE BUTCHER?

WHAT?

AH, MR. CRAWFORD. WHERE'S MY PIG?

YOU KNOW, JASMINE, MY PIG.

IS SHE STILL ALIVE?

OH, YES. SHE'S IN BACK.

THANK GOD. I WANT HER BACK.

WELL, DOC--

I KNOW. FAIR ENOUGH. TAKE PLASTIC?

NOT UNLESS IT'S WRAPPED AROUND SOME CASH.

LET'S WORK IT OUT IN TRADE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I AIN'T BEEN SICK IN THREE YEARS, DOC.

I GOT AN IDEA.

WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO CARVE LIKE THAT?

YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD WITH A KNIFE.

YO!

HEY, MADDIE.

HI, DOC.

SO YOU GUYS ARE PIG-SITTING FOR ME?

UH-HUH.

WHOA! WHO ARE YOU?

DON'T TEASE ME.

YOU LOOK LIKE LOU, BUT MUCH PRETTIER.

I'M WARNING YOU.

I COULD WHUP YOU IN A FIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

BE A GOOD GIRL.

O.K. BYE.

WAIT. BE A GOOD GIRL.

NOT TOO MUCH TV FOR HER, O.K.?

SHE'S A REAL PIG ABOUT THAT.

HI! COME ON IN.

WELCOME.

OH, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!

AND YOU LOOK HANDSOME, TOO.

DADDY'S IN THE BACKYARD

TENDING HIS FIRE STORM IN THE BARBECUE.

SO YOU'RE NICK'S DAUGHTER.

GOSH, I HOPE SO. I'M IN HIS WILL.

HEY, Y'ALL, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HELLO, LOU.

HELLO, STONE.

CHECK HOLLYWOOD FOR KNIVES.

I DON'T WANT HIM OPERATING ON ME

IN CASE I SNEEZE OR SOMETHING.

ISN'T THIS GOING TO BE FUN?

OH, NO, THANK YOU. I'M A VEGETARIAN.

I KNOW, DEAR, BUT I'M STILL HOPEFUL.

SO AM I.

UH, VEGETARIAN.

OH, SINCE WHEN?

THEN HAVE SOME OF THIS SQUASH, BEN STONE. DON'T BE SHY.

I'M NOT SURE I TRUST A MAN

WHO DOESN'T EAT MEAT.

DON'T BE SO PROVINCIAL.

WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF ADVENTURE?

PROBABLY GIVE VEGETARIANS

BETTER LIFE INSURANCE RATES

THAN A SMOKER, THOUGH.

ON ACCOUNT OF THAT LOWER CHOLESTEROL.

DADDY, PLEASE. NEW SUBJECT.

WE WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT CALIFORNIA.

I HEARD THAT THE WOMEN OUT THERE

HAVE THEIR CHESTS ENLARGED,

THEIR THIGHS VACUUMED,

AND BARF ON PURPOSE.

NOT WHILE PEOPLE ARE EATING.

YEAH, TELL US ABOUT REAL DOCTORING.

YOU KNOW, BIG-CITY MEDICINE.

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THE 40 YEARS

SINCE YOU WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL.

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO START.

SMART ASS.

[HANK] GOT YOU GOOD.

MORE SQUASH, BEN?

NO. I MEAN, NO, THANK YOU.

"OUT OF THE CRADLE...

"ENDLESSLY ROCKING.

"OUT OF THE MOCKINGBIRD'S THROAT.

"THE MUSICAL SHUTTLE.

OUT OF THE..."

IS THIS ONE OF THE LONG ONES?

NO.

LONG ONES?

DOC HOGUE DOES THE COMPLETE WALT WHITMAN

IF YOU DON'T MONITOR HIS DRINKING.

"DOWN FROM THE SHOWERED HALO,

UP FROM THE MYSTICAL PLAY OF SHADOWS."

MAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY STARS

IN A LONG TIME.

I USED TO GET SO BORED IN THIS TOWN,

I'D TRY TO COUNT THEM.

I COULD HAVE GONE TO MED SCHOOL.

JUST THE SCIENCE PART

I WOULD HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH.

I'D LIE ON MY BACK.

SOMETIMES WAYNE WOULD BE ON TOP OF ME

DOING THE WILD THING.

IT WAS HARD NOT TO LOSE MY PLACE.

GOD, THAT'S ROMANTIC.

THEN WE MOVED TO MANHATTAN.

YOU COULD HARDLY SEE STARS,

LET ALONE COUNT THEM.

STARS I'D LIKE TO SEE ARE THE TWO-LEGGED KIND.

EARTHQUAKE INSURANCE IS SOMETHING

I'M KEEN TO TAKE A WHACK AT

OUT THERE IN L.A.

TALK ABOUT YOUR NO-BRAINER.

COLLECT PREMIUMS FOR A GAZILLION YEARS,

AND IF THE BIG ONE EVER DOES HIT,

DECLARE BANKRUPTCY AND RETIRE.

DECENT AND SOLID.

NOBODY'S PERFECT.

Mayor: HANK, YOU GOT TO TAKE HOGUE HOME.

HE'S ABOUT TO LAUNCH INTO SONG OF MYSELF.

MY LORD.

Mayor: NEVER A DULL MOMENT, EH, BEN STONE?

I'LL CALL YOU LATER,

MAKE SURE YOU GOT HOME O.K.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CLANG]

OW! SHIT!

HEY.

I FORGOT MY PIG.

SHE'S SLEEPING WITH EM.

I'LL DROP HER OFF IN THE MORNING.

GREEK DEATH?

TAKE THE EDGE OFF.

TAKE THE EDGE OFF WHAT?

ME.

YOU, UH...RAN ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.

OH, YEAH. I RAN...WALKED.

GOT A STITCH IN MY SIDE.

WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME THE FULL COURT PRESS

IF YOU'RE LEAVING IN A COUPLE OF DAYS ANYWAY?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF...

MYSTICAL FORCE.

FORCE OR HORMONES?

HEY, HEY. COME ON. I'M...

ALL I WANT TO DO IS TALK.

OH.

AND GET YOU SLOPPY DRUNK.

HONESTY--THAT'S A NEW APPROACH.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE FORCING ME

INTO UNCHARTED TERRITORY HERE.

HELL, I MIGHT EVEN TRY CHASTITY.

SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED FOR HANK.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

AH...

[RING]

WELL, LISTEN, UH...

MAYBE A RAIN CHECK?

MMM...

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THOSE FLOWERS.

[RING]

WELL, UH...

[RING]

WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW NIGHT?

HMM. DESPERATION. I LIKE THIS.

STILL, I...

[RING]

I WOULDN'T WANT THE MAYOR

TO HAVE TO LOSE 1 0 BUCKS OVER ME.

YOU KNOW.

[RING]

HEY.

GOOD MORNING.

FUNNY. FUNNY.

MORNING, DOC!

THAT'S A NICE PIG YOU GOT THERE!

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL ME.

HEY, MR. McCLARY!

BE CAREFUL YOU DON'T GET ANOTHER HOOK IN YOUR FINGER!

DON'T WORRY, DOC! HA HA!

WE'RE NOT USING HOOKS TODAY.

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

HE'S A NICE PIG, DOC.

IT'S A SHE, ACTUALLY.

[SQUEAL]

WHOA. WHOA. O.K., O.K., O.K.

RELAX, WILL YOU?

YOU KNOW, HOUSE CALLS

ARE PROBABLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB--

DRIVING OUT INTO THE COUNTRY,

SEEING WHAT MIGHT POP UP

AROUND THE NEXT BEND.

RAINBOWS,

FROST ON THE KUDZU.

JOHN MUIR SAID IT--

MOST PEOPLE ARE ON THE WORLD, NOT IN IT.

YOU KNOW?

WHAT?

NOTHING.

WHAT?

UH, LISTEN,

YOU'D BETTER LET ME HANDLE THIS ONE ALONE.

OBSTETRICAL EXAM.

O.K.

"SO JIMMY JOE WENT OVER TO THE PAKISTANI'S HOUSE

WITH A SHOTGUN."

EXCUSE ME.

JIMMY JOE IS ELLEN'S BROTHER?

NO, NO, NO. BOYFRIEND.

OH. I WAS STUMPED ON THAT ONE, TOO.

"AND HE STAYED OUTSIDE

"SHOOTING HOLES IN THE FELLOW'S FOREIGN CAR

"UNTIL ELLEN CAME OUT

"AND AGREED TO COME BACK HOME WITH HIM.

"IT'S THE MOST ROMANTIC THING

JIMMY JOE'S EVER DONE FOR HER."

[WHISTLES]

TOUGH ONE.

HOW'S ELLEN MAKING OUT WITH THE PAKISTANI MAN?

GET HIM. COME ON, BUBBA.

I SAID...

I SAID NO SHOT!

OW!

SIT UP, PLEASE.

THIS WON'T HURT.

I DON'T SEE AN INFECTION,

BUT...

O.K., HOLD STILL.

AH.

WHAT IS THAT, A V-8?

HE DID IT!

HOUSE CALLS USED TO BE

AN ESSENTIAL PART OF EVERY DOCTOR'S PRACTICE.

THE ONLY WAY YOU'D GET TO KNOW YOUR PATIENTS

WAS TO SEE WHERE THEY LIVED, HOW THEY LIVED.

MAYBE WHEN I GET TO HALBERSTROM'S,

I'LL GET HIM TO INSTITUTE

SOME KIND OF VISITATION PROGRAM--

OUTPATIENT WORK.

DAMN IT.

LOU!

LOU!

IF YOU SEE ANOTHER ONE,

THEY MARK THEIR WAY WITH THESE

BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUPID AND TOO DRUNK

TO REMEMBER WHERE THEY WERE MOST TIMES.

WHO?

HUNTERS.

MAYBE THIS IS THE END.

YEAH. SEE? THERE IT IS.

THAT'S WHERE THEY SIT AND WAIT FOR THE SLAUGHTER.

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY DO IT FOR FOOD, EITHER.

GOD, IT MAKES ME SO HOT.

WANT TO HELP ME HERE?

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M URINATING.

YOU JUST DROP TROU WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT?

WELL, IT SCARES THE DEER AWAY

SO THE HUNTERS WON'T GET THEM.

I CAN'T...

UH, WHY DON'T YOU

JUST SAY BOO OR SOMETHING?

I TRY TO SPREAD IT AROUND--

A LITTLE HERE, A LITTLE THERE.

FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN.

ANYWAY, IT'S NOT LIKE I PLANNED

TO BE PREGNANT AT 1 9,

BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE THAN WAYNE.

WENDALL BARNES.

OH, YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN HIM.

HE COMES FROM A WHOLE FAMILY

THAT DOESN'T HAVE SWEAT GLANDS.

REALLY? I'M FASCINATED BY THE GLANDLESS.

I GUESS IT'S GENETIC.

DURING THE SUMMER,

THEY ALL SLEEP UNDER THE HOUSE,

ON ACCOUNT OF THE HEAT.

THAT'S A TOUCHING STORY.

REALLY. THANKS FOR SHARING THAT.

YOU DON'T SEE A LOT OF THINGS IN GRADY,

BUT WHAT YOU SEE, YOU SEE A LOT OF.

I'M FROM A SMALL TOWN MYSELF.

WHAT?

MARIONVILLE, INDIANA.

POPULATION 2,1 06.

HOME OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST STEAM ENGINE.

BUT YOU'VE BEEN TELLING EVERYBODY THAT YOU'RE--

NO, NO, NO, NO.

EVERYBODY ASSUMED I WAS A BIG-CITY GUY.

NOBODY ASKED.

ANYWAY, I GOT OUT, AND I'M STAYING OUT.

YOU STILL GOT YOUR WHOLE FAMILY THERE?

WELL, THEY TALKED ABOUT LEAVING,

BUT MY DAD NEVER QUITE...

THEY LIVED THERE, THEY DIED THERE,

FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE.

SO WHEN I LEFT HOME,

I JUST SWORE TO MYSELF I WAS NEVER GOING BACK.

IT'S NOT THE PLACE, IT'S THE PERSON.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, BEN STONE.

YOU MIGHT GET IT.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BACK,

NOT EVEN TO SEE YOUR FRIENDS?

WELL, WHO'S GOT TIME FOR FRIENDS?

LOU, YOU GOT TO GET DR. STONE BACK HERE ASAP.

WE GOT A POSSIBLE CORONARY EMERGENCY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HOGUE?

CAN'T DOC HOGUE HANDLE THIS?

IT IS HOGUE. OVER.

HEY, LIE DOWN.

NO CRAP. I'M DOOMED.

LIE DOWN NOW. YOU'RE HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

MY ANGINA'S ACTING UP IS ALL.

YOU GOT ANY NITRO PILLS?

GET A BOLUS OF LIDOCAINE.

I'M THE SENIOR SAWBONES AROUND HERE, STONE.

PVCs ARE TOO CLOSE TO YOUR T-WAVES.

IN 30 SECONDS, YOU'LL BE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.

GET HIM AWAY FROM ME.

IF I'M WRONG, LIDOCAINE WON'T HURT YOU.

IF YOU'RE WRONG, IT'S A VENTRICULAR FIB.

I'M NEVER WRONG.

SHIT. ALL RIGHT. GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR OVER THERE.

NEVER WRONG.

400 WATTS.

CLEAR. CLEAR!

HEARTBEAT.

60.

WOW, HE ACTUALLY HAS ONE.

KEEP HIM ON OXYGEN. SET THE LIDOCAINE DRIP.

GUESS I'M STAYING HERE TONIGHT.

OH, DOCTOR?

I'VE GOT YOUR BED READY.

RIGHT.

SLEEP WELL, DOCTOR.

AT WHICH POINT,

ALL THE BEES, INCLUDING MELVIN,

LUNGED OFF THE EDGE OF THE STAGE.

A STANDING OVATION.

VARIATIONS ON A THEME.

I'M SORRY I MISSED IT.

THAT'S THE FIRST SQUASH PAGEANT

THAT I MISSED IN 1 5 YEARS.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

IT'S CALLED MORAL SUPPORT FOR THE RECOVERING PATIENT.

CHERRY COBBLER, BEN?

EVERYBODY OUT. LET'S GO.

COME ON. VISITING HOUR'S OVER.

OH, DON'T MIND DOC HOLLYWOOD.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BELOVED.

SO LONG, DOC.

YOU COME TO CLEAN THE ROOM,

MY BEDPAN'S RIPE.

OH, NO. NOT MADDIE'S SWEET POTATO PIE.

YOU CAN RAZZ ME ALL YOU WANT, DOC.

I SAVED YOUR LIFE LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW IT, AND I KNOW IT.

GOTCHA.

[PLAYING DIXIE ON KAZOOS]

HI, THERE. HOW YOU DOING?

HELLO!

HELLO!

HI, SUE ELLEN.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

YOU ARE SO CUTE!

MAMA, LOOK!

HA HA HA HA!

LEAVE THAT DOWN NOW.

WE'RE OVER HERE!

WATCH THAT BALLOON, HONEY.

HALBERSTROM CLINIC.

DR. HALBERSTROM, PLEASE. BEN STONE CALLING.

HE'S IN CONSULTATION. WHAT IS THIS REGARDING?

IT'S REGARDING...

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE MY INTERVIEW ON FRIDAY.

THE DOCTOR HAS A TIGHT SCHEDULE.

I REALIZE THE DOCTOR HAS A TIGHT SCHEDULE.

I JUST WON'T BE ABLE TO LEAVE WITHOUT--

RIGHT. I--

IS THERE ANY WAY

HE CAN RESCHEDULE THE APPOINTMENT

FOR ANOTHER TIME?

I REALLY COULDN'T SAY.

ALL RIGHT. THANKS A LOT.

SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN.

COME ON !

GET HOT, TAKE A SHOT.

STEP UP. TAKE A SHOT.

WHAT'S THE OBJECT OF THIS?

1 0 SHOTS A DOLLAR.

FIVE BULL'S-EYES, WIN A POSSUM.

SUPPOSING I HIT 5 OUT OF 5.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO POSSUM.

SIR, RUN HENRY A TAB.

HE FEELS DEADLY TODAY.

EVENING, DR. STONE.

HEY, DOC.

OILPUMPENGEHAUSEN?

THE NEW ONE'S IN.

YOUR CHARIOT'S GOOD AS NEW.

UH, GOOD AS NEW, USED, SINCE IT'S OLD.

YOU FIXED MY CAR?

EVEN OILED THE ASHTRAY.

OH, MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

MELVIN, THANKS, MAN.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME EXTRA PARTS

WHEN I PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUT YOU GO AHEAD ON.

KEEP THEM.

DANCE WITH ME, OR I'M DOG FOOD.

WHAT?

WENDALL BARNES.

OF THE GLANDLESS BARNES?

UH-HUH.

JESUS.

YEAH. COME ON.

ABSOLUTELY.

OOH!

SEE, THE TRICK--

[DING]

IS JUST TO VISUALIZE THE TARGET

ON THE BACKS OF YOUR EYEBALLS--

[DING]

AND THEN PRETEND

THAT YOU'RE SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE EYE.

[DING]

I--I CAN'T KEEP UP. THANKS.

HOW'S HOGUE?

MEANER THAN EVER.

[SLOW MUSIC STARTS]

DANCE?

WHERE'S HANK?

I FORGET.

[PATSY CLINE] ♪♪ CRAZY ♪♪

♪♪ I'M CRAZY FOR FEELIN' SO LONELY ♪♪

♪♪ I'M CRAZY ♪♪

♪♪ CRAZY FOR FEELIN' SO BLUE ♪♪

♪♪ I KNEW ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'D LOVE ME AS LONG AS YOU WANTED ♪♪

♪♪ AND THEN SOMEDAY ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'D LEAVE ME FOR SOMEBODY NEW ♪♪

♪♪ WORRY ♪♪

♪♪ WHY DO I LET MYSELF WORRY? ♪♪

♪♪ WONDERIN' ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT IN THE WORLD DID I DO ♪♪

♪♪ I'M CRAZY ♪♪

♪♪ FOR THINKIN' ♪♪

♪♪ THAT MY LOVE COULD HOLD YOU ♪♪

♪♪ I'M CRAZY FOR TRYIN' ♪♪

♪♪ AND CRAZY FOR CRYIN' ♪♪

♪♪ AND I'M CRAZY FOR LOVIN' ♪♪

♪♪ YOU ♪♪♪♪

THE MUSIC STOPPED.

WHAT MUSIC?

DR. STONE?

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.

THANKS, JUDGE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR SAVING MY FRIEND HOGUE'S MISERABLE LIFE.

I COULDN'T CALL MYSELF A CHRISTIAN

IF I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A FULL PARDON

ON THE REMAINDER OF YOUR SENTENCE.

YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE

TO BE A YOUNG MAN ON THE ROAD,

FOOT-LOOSE AND FANCY-FREE.

DID I TELL YOU?

I'VE ALREADY GOT PLANS FOR A NEW FENCE.

I GOT A BUG IN MY EAR

FOR ONE OF THOSE SOLID OAK NUMBERS

WITH CURLY TOPS.

HEY.

VICTORY.

DID YOU KILL THAT CRITTER ALL BY YOURSELF?

VERY FUNNY. HA HA.

DON'T YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF URGENT BUSINESS

THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY FROM HERE, DOCTOR?

VILOULA,

YOUR DAUGHTER WAS DUNKING GRASSHOPPERS

IN THE PUNCH BOWL AGAIN.

TOMMY, TOO.

SHAKE A LEG WITH THE JUDICIAL BRANCH,

MISS NICHOLSON?

WHY, I'D LOVE TO.

THANK YOU.

HOLD THIS POSSUM, EMMA.

IT'S TIME I REACQUAINTED YOUR MOM

WITH SOME REAL DANCING.

NO OFFENSE, HOLLYWOOD.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BRING YOUR PIG BACK AROUND?

HEY THERE, BEN STONE. HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU. WHAT A GREAT DAY.

BOY, THIS IS IT--

THE PINNACLE OF EXISTENCE.

THE GRANDEUR OF GRADY. THE SIMPLE LIFE.

COULDN'T BE HAPPIER IF I WAS TWINS.

PUT ON A HELL OF A FESTIVAL, MAYOR.

AREN'T YOU NICE TO SAY SO.

HEY, BEN, LET'S TALK TURKEY--

OR SQUASH, AS IT WERE.

ABOUT WHAT?

HOME.

HEART.

HAPPINESS.

YOU BELONG HERE, BEN STONE.

IT BREAKS MY HEART TO THINK OF YOU

OUT THERE IN THE LAND OF LUNATICS.

I WON'T LET YOU GO

WITHOUT HOLDING UP A MIRROR TO YOUR FACE--

LIKE THAT SMILE OF CONTENTMENT--

SAY, "SEE THAT? SEE THERE?

"THAT'S A FACE THAT'S LIKED AND LOVED.

A FACE WITH FRIENDS AND A FUTURE."

FIND SOME OTHER WAY TO FORCE ME TO STAY?

BEN.

I'M EVERYTHING BUT DEVIOUS.

MAYOR NICHOLSON, COULD YOU COME CHECK THESE RIBS

AND TELL ME IF THEY'RE DONE?

I SURE CAN.

RIGORS OF THE JOB, YOU KNOW?

WELL, YOU GOT YOUR FIRE WAY TOO HIGH,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

OH, WE'LL BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN.

DON'T DO THAT.

HURRY UP!

COME ON !

COME ON !

HI, DOC.

HOWDY.

GENTLEMEN.

OH, NO.

OH, NO!

CAREFUL WITH THOSE THINGS.

[HONK HONK]

[HONK]

HEY.

I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS

'CAUSE YOU'RE LEAVING DAY AFTER TOMORROW,

BUT I DON'T CARE. I CAN'T HELP IT.

SO GET IN.

DO YOU MEAN WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN?

JUST GET IN IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN.

UH, LOU, I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

ROWING A BOAT ISN'T WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

[DISTANT CHEERING]

NOT BAD, HUH?

INCREDIBLE.

[SPLASH]

WHAT'S THAT?

FRESH WATER MULLET.

THEY SEE THE SPARKS FROM THE SKYROCKETS,

THINK IT'S FOOD, AND JUMP FOR IT.

WELL, THAT'S SCARY.

MAYBE I CAN...

SIT NEXT TO YOU. YOU COULD PROTECT ME.

NO. YOU'LL THROW US OFF-BALANCE.

I WANT YOU OFF BALANCE.

[SPLASH, THUD]

IT'S IN THE BOAT!

IT'S ALL RIGHT. STAY DOWN.

GET IT. KILL IT.

WATCH IT. O.K. I GOT IT.

YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE.

ALL RIGHT. I ADMIT IT.

I WORKED MY WAY THROUGH COLLEGE

BY TRAINING BASS.

LOU?

IT'S O.K.

LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO...

BEN, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER WANTED

ANYTHING MORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, EVER.

I'M JUST NOT USED TO BEING A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE.

I MEAN, YOU COULD--

NO, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF

IN LOS ANGELES.

THERE ARE TOO MANY CHOICES.

LET'S NOT THINK ABOUT IT, O.K.?

I CAN'T DO THIS.

DO YOU MIND WALKING FROM HERE?

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THE GOSSIPS

ANY MORE FAT TO CHEW.

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY, BENJAMIN. IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.

YEAH.

HEY, JASMINE.

[SQUEALING]

HEY, HANK.

YOU'VE MADE ME...

REAL MAD.

UH, ABOUT WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I KNOW YOU WERE OUT ON THAT LAKE WITH HER.

MAKES ME SICK TO THINK OF YOU AND HER...

NOTHING HAPPENED.

OH, RIGHT.

HEY, NOTHING HAPPENED!

COME ON, TOUGH GUY! COME ON, COUNTRY BOY!

YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHOT AT ME?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME ON, COUNTRY BOY! GET UP! LET'S GO!

ARE YOU PARANOID OR SOMETHING?

NO.

BUT I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.

I SUPPOSE YOU AND HER'LL BE GETTING MARRIED NOW.

WHAT?

IT'S THE SOUTHERN WAY.

MAN AND WOMAN AS ONE.

MAKE SACRIFICES TO BUILD EQUITY

IN A FUTURE THAT HAS SECURITY.

WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE A MUTUAL OF OMAHA AD?

FINE. JOKE IT UP.

AT LEAST I WAS PREPARED TO MARRY HER.

SHE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, HANK.

O.K. THAT'S THE ONLY ROADBLOCK, THOUGH.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DON'T YOU THINK A GUY'S

ENTITLED TO CHOOSE HIS OWN DESTINY?

WHETHER IT'S A SMALL TOWN OR EVEN IN CALIFORNIA.

IT'S JUST THAT HE SHOULDN'T HAVE IT HANDED TO HIM.

YOU KNOW, LIKE IT'S A--YOU KNOW...

A HAT?

RIGHT. O.K., GOOD. LIKE A HAT.

YOUR FATHER WORE IT, YOUR GRANDFATHER WORE IT, TOO.

NOW YOU'RE STUCK WITH IT,

ONLY IT'S TOO SMALL.

IT JUST DOESN'T FIT.

I HATE A TIGHT HAT.

THERE'S A LOT OF HATS OUT THERE, HANKSTER,

AND EVEN IF THIS ONE FITS,

AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT IT DOES, JUST HYPOTHETICALLY,

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT ONE

WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED ANY OTHERS ON?

I SURE HAVEN'T.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SCREW UP HER LIFE.

YOU KNOW, HOLLYWOOD...

SOMETIMES A MAN'S GOT TO DO

WHAT A MAN'S GOT TO DO.

AND MAYBE...MAYBE IT'S IN CALIFORNIA.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M GLAD WE GOT THAT CLEANED UP.

ME, TOO, HANK.

DON'T THAT TAKE THE RAG OFF THE BUSH?

DON'T FORGET WHAT I TOLD YOU.

HEY.

HEY! PLEASE!

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

DR. STONE.

MARY. DECIDED TO DROP BY, SEE HOW YOU WERE DOING.

NO DAMN GOOD. WATER'S BROKE. I HURT.

THIS AIN'T LIKE THE OTHERS.

NAH, THEY NEVER ARE.

DID HOGUE SAY ANYTHING

ABOUT THIS BABY COMING OUT THE WRONG WAY?

HE'S COMING. HE DON'T CARE WHICH WAY.

AW, F-FIDDLESTICKS.

DON'T PUSH, MARY.

I CAN GET AN AMBULANCE.

THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT.

GO INTO MY DUFFEL BAG. THERE'S CLEAN SHIRTS--

RIP THEM INTO EVEN PIECES.

MARY, DON'T PUSH. I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO,

BUT JUST DON'T PUSH.

I'LL TRY TO TURN HIM AROUND

SO HE'S COMING OUT THE RIGHT WAY.

IS IT THESE? AIR-MAN-EYE?

ARMANI. ARMANI.

THOSE ARE THE ONES.

HEH HEH.

AAH !

O.K., NOW. NOW!

GOOD. GREAT. GREAT.

GREAT!

O.K., O.K., HOLD ON. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, GO! PUSH! PUSH, MARY!

PUSH, MARY. YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

I GOT A LEG.

I GOT A LEG.

O.K., DON'T PUSH, MARY.

AAH !

O.K., ALL RIGHT.

O.K. GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

SOMEONE'S COMING!

WHAT?

DOC, SOMEONE'S COMING!

AAH !

ALL RIGHT.

ONE MORE. HERE WE GO.

PUSH! PUSH, MARY!

GREAT!

AAH !

DOC, YOUR CAR!

WHAT DO I DO?

AAH !

AAH !

GOOD GIRL!

WHAT DO I DO?

PUSH, MARY.

AAH !

AAH !

IT'S A GIRL!

AAH !

[BABY CRYING]

I THINK I CAN FIX THAT.

STONE!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YOU RANG?

FIRST BREECH YOU EVER DELIVERED?

FIRST BABY I EVER DELIVERED...

BY MYSELF.

WHISKEY?

NO, THANKS.

I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND THAT

FOR YOU, EITHER.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT MY DOCTOR,

AND YOU'RE NOT MY WIFE,

SO I GUESS YOU DON'T HAVE VERY MUCH TO SAY ABOUT IT.

OH, YOU'RE NOT FIXING TO STAY, EH, STONE?

CHANGED YOUR MIND, HUH?

NOW THAT YOUR CAR'S ALL BUSTED TO BUBKES

AND YOU'RE FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

IN GENERAL, HUH?

YEAH.

COME HERE.

I HAD THEM UP ONCE.

OVER 700 BABIES I DELIVERED IN THIS TOWN

OVER THE YEARS.

NURSE PACKER.

SHE POPPED RIGHT OUT

COMPLETE WITH TEETH AND HAIR

AND BIT ME.

AN OMEN.

NICHOLSON. HANK.

YEAH.

I GAVE THEM BIRTH,

SAW THEM THROUGH

EVERY SNEEZE AND SNIFFLE

AND SOMETIMES EVEN WALKED THEM

TO THE GRAVE SITES.

THEY'RE PRETTY WELL MY PORTFOLIO, STONE.

THAT AND AN OLD CAR,

AN OLD HOUSE.

I WOULDN'T TRADE ANY OF THEM FOR GOLD.

WELL, MAYBE GOLD.

OR CASH MONEY.

HEY.

DOC.

KYLE. HEY, MARY, HOW'S OUR GIRL?

WE DECIDED SHE'S GOING TO BE BENJAMINA,

AFTER YOU.

WHAT?

THANK YOU.

THERE'S AN OBSTETRICIAN COMING UP

FROM ATHENS GENERAL TODAY

JUST TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S O.K.

BENJAMINA.

YO, DOC.

I WANTED JUST TO THANK YOU

FOR, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING,

SO I MADE YOU THIS IN APPRECIATION.

I KNOW IT AIN'T MUCH,

SO IF THERE'S EVER ANYTHING

I CAN DO FOR YOU...

JUST LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS

WITH ELLEN, JIMMY JOE, AND THE PAKISTANI.

I HEARD WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

YOU DID GREAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

WELL, SOMETIMES THAT'S THE BEST WAY.

UM, BEN, THERE'S SOMETHING

THAT I WANTED TO SAY.

SOMETHING I WANTED

TO SAY TO YOU FIRST. IS THAT O.K.?

O.K.

SO, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING

ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

I MEAN, LAST NIGHT WAS REALLY...DIFFICULT...

FOR ME.

EVERYTHING'S ALL TURNED AROUND NOW.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU AND ME

AND BIG CITIES, SMALL TOWNS...

I'M GOING TO MARRY HANK.

I'VE DECIDED.

IT'S A PLANE TICKET TO LOS ANGELES.

THE WHOLE TOWN CHIPPED IN.

WE'VE KEPT YOU HERE THIS LONG,

AND IF YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR MELVIN

TO FIX YOUR CAR AGAIN...

YOU GOT LOS ANGELES WAITING FOR YOU.

I'VE GOT EMMA. IT'S NOT FAIR TO YOU.

HANK'S STEADY, AND HE'S HERE.

YOU...

YOU'RE LIKE A BIG BRIGHT SHOOTING STAR,

AND YOU'RE RIGHT, BEN. YOU'D BURN OUT HERE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.

BEN, YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES

TO SAY GOODBYE TO SHANGRI-LA.

COTTON'LL GIVE YOU A POLICE ESCORT

TO THE AIRPORT.

WE MADE YOU A SACK LUNCH.

AIRPLANE FOOD CAN CAUSE GAS.

THANKS.

I GUESS I'LL WATCH AFTER YOUR PIG.

JUST HOPE SHE TAKES TO THE FARM

AFTER LIVING IN TOWN LIKE THIS.

APPRECIATE IT.

A LOT OF FOLKS AROUND HERE

ARE GOING TO MISS YOU.

I DON'T MEAN ME,

BUT A LOT OF FOLKS.

ADIEU.

BACK TO THE INTERSTATE, BEN STONE, HUH?

BACK TO THE INTERSTATE.

BYE.

BYE.

[HORNS HONKING]

[RADIO] [SINGING IN ARABIC]

YOU O.K.?

OH. AHEM.

OH, YES, I AM FINE.

GOOD MORNING. HALBERSTROM CLINIC.

COULD YOU HOLD, PLEASE?

GOOD MORNING. HALBERSTROM CLINIC.

GOOD MORNING. HALBERSTROM CLINIC.

GOOD MORNING. HAL-- OH. HOLD.

YES, DOCTOR.

MR. STONE?

DR. STONE.

OHH.

UH, DR. HALBERSTROM CAN SEE YOU NOW.

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY APPLICATIONS

I HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS YEAR, STONE?

OH, YES, SIR.

THAT'S WHY I KNEW THIS INTERVIEW WAS IMPORTANT.

I WOULD'VE BEEN HERE EARLIER IF I COULD'VE BEEN.

I KNOW YOU'RE A GREAT SURGEON, STONE.

THAT PILE'S FULL OF GREAT SURGEONS.

DID YOU EXPECT SPECIAL CONSIDERATION

BECAUSE WE COME FROM THE SAME HOMETOWN?

BECAUSE I KNEW YOUR FATHER BEFORE HE DIED?

NO, SIR.

GOOD. 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET SHIT.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HERE

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR A CALL FROM DR. AURELIUS HOGUE.

UH, UH, DR. HOGUE CALLED YOU?

I SAW TWO DOCTORS LAST WEEK

WITH MORE EXPERIENCE THAN YOU

AND BETTER BOARD CERTIFICATION SCORES.

DR. HOGUE'S A PIECE OF WORK, ISN'T HE?

WHAT DID HE SAY?

THAT YOU WERE DOING VOLUNTEER FAMILY PRACTICE

DOWN SOUTH SOMEWHERE.

YES. UH, YEAH. YES.

YES, YES. THAT'S RIGHT.

WENT THERE TO GET

THAT SMALL-TOWN CHIP OFF YOUR SHOULDER?

YEAH.

YOU'RE BRAVER THAN I WAS, STONE.

IN ANY CASE, HOGUE SAID YOU WERE, QUOTE,

"ONE HELLACIOUSLY FINE PHYSICIAN."

THAT I WOULD BE A "BOVINE, CLODPATED,

CITIFIED MORON" IF I DIDN'T HIRE YOU

ON THE SPOT.

WROTE IT DOWN SO I WOULDN'T FORGET.

SO YOU'RE IN, STONE. CONGRATS.

WHAT TIME DO I TEE OFF?

YOU DO PLAY GOLF, DON'T YOU?

GREAT, GREAT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

IT'S NOT ANYWHERE YOU CAN SEE IT.

THE SECRET TO THIS BUSINESS

IS TO GET A GOOD PACE GOING.

NOBODY LIKES TO ADMIT IT,

BUT MEDICINE'S A VOLUME BUSINESS.

99% OF WHAT WE DO IS BOILER-PLATE SURGERY.

IT MEANS WE CAN AFFORD THE 1 % THAT'S MEANINGFUL.

DISFIGUREMENTS, BIRTH DEFECTS,

HARELIPS,

CLEFT PALATES.

YOU LIVE FOR THOSE MOMENTS.

THE BIGGER YOU GET, THE BIGGER THE NUT.

WE'RE A SERVICE INDUSTRY.

FIXED COSTS, SPECIALIZATION.

PEOPLE ADJUST TO IT OR FAIL.

LOOK AT CABLE TV.

YOU'LL SEE SOME CHANGES, STONE.

STONE?

SEE IF PATIENT NUMBER 434 IS IN PRE-OP YET.

WE CAN SQUEEZE ONE MORE IN BEFORE LUNCH, DON'T YA THINK?

THE V-2 BOMBINGS--

PEPSI TO THE SOVIET UNION--

IN THE WA--

[CROWD ROARS]

[RING]

HI. THIS IS THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE FORECAST

FOR THE GREATER GRADY AREA TOMORROW.

THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF SUNSHINE

AND BLUE SKIES.

THE OLD TEMPERATURE SHOULD BE

IN THE 90s AGAIN,

BUT A COOL AFTERNOON BREEZE

WILL MAKE IT WORTHWHILE COME EVENING.

Y'ALL LOOK OUT FOR THE LIGHTNING BUGS

AFTER SUNSET.

ACTRESS ALERT.

EXCUSE ME?

SOME GIRL CALLED FOR YOU.

SAID YOU'D KNOW WHO IT WAS.

SAID SHE'D MEET YOU AT THIS BAR.

LIKE, AS IF YOU'RE GOING TO RUSH RIGHT OVER THERE.

RIGHT.

TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE SOUTHERN ACCENT.

AN ACTRESS, I'LL BET.

[HORN HONKS]

HI, CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH. I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET SOMEONE. A GIRL.

BEN.

COMING.

UH, NANCY LEE?

WELL, I HAD TO GIVE IT A SHOT, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, I JUST THOUGHT JUST IN CASE.

GUESS NOT.

YOU, UH...

YOU DROVE ALL THIS WAY

JUST TO BRING ME MY CAR?

SORT OF.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

GAVE ME AN EXCUSE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF GRADY.

PARDON MY FRENCH.

SINCE YOU LEFT, THINGS GOT POSITIVELY STAGNANT.

[CHUCKLES]

UH, HOW'S HOGUE?

WELL...

HE'S THE SAME.

MELVIN?

SAME.

HOW'S YOUR DAD?

WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME ABOUT VILOULA?

NO, LIKE, NAW,

WHAT'S THERE TO ASK, REALLY?

SO I USED-- SHE AND HANK ARE--

YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR.

SLIDE A BIT, NANCY LEE.

THERE'S A MAN IN THE TOILET SELLING AFTERSHAVE.

NOW, WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

HANK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

TOOK MY OWN ADVICE, DOC.

KNOWING WHEN TO STAY, WHEN TO GET OUT.

I THOUGHT YOU AND LOU WERE GOING TO GET...

LOU WAS NEVER GOING TO MARRY ME,

SO I BROKE IT OFF CLEAN.

YOU--YOU DUMPED HER?

MAN'S GOT TO DO WHAT A MAN'S GOT TO DO.

EVEN IF IT'S IN CALIFORNIA.

SENSE OF HIGHER PURPOSE, YOU KNOW.

[NANCY LEE] IS THAT--IS THAT A STAR?

NO, THAT'S TED DANSON.

I'M GOING FOR BREAKFAST. YOU WANT ANYTHING?

MM-HMM. HOW ABOUT BOB BARKER?

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

[OINK]

HOWDY.

YOU STEAL THAT PIG?

I HEARD SHE WAS WASTING AWAY

IN THIS ONE-PIG TOWN, SO--

AND YOU THOUGHT

YOU'D COME BACK AND RESCUE HER.

YEAH. SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE'LL TAKE YOU BACK?

BECAUSE I LOVE HER.

GO BACK TO LOS ANGELES.

I DON'T WANT LOS ANGELES.

I WANT YOU.

YOU GOT GREAT TONSILS.

THAT AIN'T ALL.

YOU KNOW, I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TIME

TO COLLECT THAT $1 0 FROM NICHOLSON--

YOU LOST THAT BET.

I DID NOT. WHO SAYS?

ME.

YOU HAVE NO SAY. YOU ARE THE BET.

THE BET WAS FOR ONE WEEK. YOU LOST.

IT'S YOUR WORD AGAINST MINE.

YOU WOULD SULLY MY REPUTATION

FOR 1 0 MEASLY DOLLARS?

HA HA HA. ABSOLUTELY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SULLY MEANS.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--