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1
00:00:14,241 --> 00:00:15,609
[kettle beeps]
- Initiating boiling.
2
00:00:15,676 --> 00:00:17,611
- We interrupt this broadcast
with breaking news.
3
00:00:17,678 --> 00:00:19,046
- What?
4
00:00:19,113 --> 00:00:21,181
- Presidential mistress
accused of human trafficking.
5
00:00:21,248 --> 00:00:22,216
- Hey, Mom.
6
00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:23,384
- What's going on
with the President?
7
00:00:23,450 --> 00:00:24,718
- That already happened.
Old news, Mom.
8
00:00:24,785 --> 00:00:27,454
Anyway, Mom, you've gotta
watch this show...
9
00:00:27,521 --> 00:00:29,189
- But there were so many.
10
00:00:29,256 --> 00:00:32,092
- Grandma, you said you would
be a guest on my podcast.
11
00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:35,562
- The questions you ask
are too intimate.
12
00:00:35,629 --> 00:00:37,097
[kettle steaming loudly]
What's happening
13
00:00:37,164 --> 00:00:38,399
with the squirrels?
14
00:00:38,465 --> 00:00:41,368
- It's all a government lie,
which you would know,
15
00:00:41,435 --> 00:00:44,138
if you would listen
to my podcast!
16
00:00:44,204 --> 00:00:46,907
Grandma. Grandma!
- I am ready. I am ready.
17
00:00:46,974 --> 00:00:48,208
- [screams]
18
00:00:48,909 --> 00:00:50,277
- Content fatigue,
19
00:00:50,344 --> 00:00:52,046
it's real and it's a problem.
20
00:00:52,112 --> 00:00:54,048
Millions suffer
from the anxiety,
21
00:00:54,114 --> 00:00:56,250
inability to focus,
and irritability
22
00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,752
brought on
by mild to moderate CF,
23
00:00:58,819 --> 00:01:01,221
and it's even worse
for us seniors.
24
00:01:01,288 --> 00:01:03,590
Did you know the brain
of an average 60-year-old
25
00:01:03,657 --> 00:01:07,061
can only hold 150
narrative content streams?
26
00:01:07,127 --> 00:01:09,596
That's half the NCS
of somebody in their 30s.
27
00:01:09,663 --> 00:01:10,764
[chuckles]
28
00:01:10,831 --> 00:01:13,100
No wonder it's so darn
overwhelming for us.
29
00:01:13,167 --> 00:01:15,135
Sure, we could just
watch less content,
30
00:01:15,202 --> 00:01:16,971
but in these
ever-changing times,
31
00:01:17,037 --> 00:01:18,605
why should we get left behind?
32
00:01:18,672 --> 00:01:21,542
CholEra relaxes the folds
of your brain
33
00:01:21,608 --> 00:01:24,311
so it can take more content,
and take it deep.
34
00:01:24,378 --> 00:01:27,448
Don't let the fast-paced
modern world get away from you.
35
00:01:27,514 --> 00:01:29,416
Keep up with CholEra.
36
00:01:29,483 --> 00:01:30,684
CholEra's not habit forming.
37
00:01:30,751 --> 00:01:31,852
Side effects include
irregular heartbeat,
38
00:01:31,919 --> 00:01:33,220
blurred vision, nausea,
and vomiting,
39
00:01:33,287 --> 00:01:34,621
stomach pain, constipation,
gas, indigestion,
40
00:01:34,688 --> 00:01:37,825
and loose stools, dry mouth,
altered taste buds,
41
00:01:37,891 --> 00:01:39,827
and changes in appetite,
sleepiness, trouble sleeping,
42
00:01:39,893 --> 00:01:41,595
or vivid and unusual dreams
about teeth,
43
00:01:41,662 --> 00:01:42,830
frequent stools,
changes in mood,
44
00:01:42,896 --> 00:01:43,597
thoughts of killing yourself
or others,
45
00:01:43,664 --> 00:01:45,766
and explosive stools.
46
00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:49,003
- I keep up with CholEra.
47
00:01:49,069 --> 00:01:52,072
[soft guitar music]
48
00:01:54,241 --> 00:01:56,276
- When I first took the job
of commissioner,
49
00:01:56,343 --> 00:01:58,012
a lot of people,
and I mean a lot of people,
50
00:01:58,078 --> 00:02:00,781
they told me
it was really a bad idea.
51
00:02:00,848 --> 00:02:02,516
They said that baseball was
already dead
52
00:02:02,583 --> 00:02:05,386
and just lying there, bloated
by the side of the river,
53
00:02:05,452 --> 00:02:07,921
and I was just some
emotionally troubled kid
54
00:02:07,988 --> 00:02:09,656
driven to poke at it
with a stick
55
00:02:09,723 --> 00:02:11,291
out of my own morbid curiosity.
56
00:02:11,358 --> 00:02:14,328
Now, if you're not used
to that particular brand
57
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,563
of risqué humor coming
from your commissioner,
58
00:02:16,630 --> 00:02:17,698
get ready, people,
59
00:02:17,765 --> 00:02:20,401
because baseball's original
bad boy is back,
60
00:02:20,467 --> 00:02:23,303
and I am ready
to cause trouble, America.
61
00:02:23,370 --> 00:02:24,438
[chuckles]
62
00:02:26,940 --> 00:02:28,375
[clears throat]
Okay, look,
63
00:02:28,442 --> 00:02:30,677
it's my pleasure
to announce that today
64
00:02:30,744 --> 00:02:34,014
is the first day
of baseball 2.0.
65
00:02:34,081 --> 00:02:36,850
[triumphant music playing]
66
00:02:36,917 --> 00:02:39,019
♪ ♪
67
00:02:39,086 --> 00:02:44,058
- Baseball 2.0.
[echoes]
68
00:02:44,124 --> 00:02:45,692
- So are you shortening games,
or--
69
00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:46,894
- We're gonna do
better than that!
70
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,696
We're giving the batters
different colored bats.
71
00:02:49,763 --> 00:02:50,864
That's right!
72
00:02:50,931 --> 00:02:53,000
Say good-bye
to baseball's biggest problem,
73
00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:54,668
those dull and colorless bats,
74
00:02:54,735 --> 00:02:56,336
and say hello
to my friend Batty.
75
00:02:56,403 --> 00:02:57,337
Come on up here.
76
00:02:57,404 --> 00:02:59,073
Look how happy he is.
77
00:02:59,139 --> 00:03:00,841
He's happy
'cause we got new colors.
78
00:03:00,908 --> 00:03:03,010
Although, he's still
in the traditional color.
79
00:03:03,077 --> 00:03:05,179
- So the only change is
that batters get to pick
80
00:03:05,245 --> 00:03:07,448
whatever color bat
they wanna go to bat with?
81
00:03:07,514 --> 00:03:10,217
- Well, no, they get to choose
from five pre-approved,
82
00:03:10,284 --> 00:03:12,553
officially exciting
MLB bat colors.
83
00:03:12,619 --> 00:03:15,089
Help me out here, Batty.
84
00:03:15,923 --> 00:03:19,393
P--Batty, pull the thing off.
Like we rehearsed.
85
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,527
Thank you, Batty.
86
00:03:20,594 --> 00:03:23,397
So we got wood, dark wood,
mountain blue,
87
00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:26,567
rose gold, and Pete Rose red,
my personal favorite.
88
00:03:26,633 --> 00:03:29,369
- Dark wood and mountain blue,
they look exactly alike.
89
00:03:29,436 --> 00:03:31,939
- Well, I've been assured that
they are actually different.
90
00:03:32,005 --> 00:03:33,941
Finally, the players
get to show off
91
00:03:34,007 --> 00:03:36,310
their colorful personalities.
92
00:03:36,376 --> 00:03:38,345
Provided, of course,
they choose a bat different
93
00:03:38,412 --> 00:03:40,481
from the player before them,
and different
94
00:03:40,547 --> 00:03:42,416
from the one after them
in the on-deck circle,
95
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:44,618
who, for some reason
that I don't quite understand,
96
00:03:44,685 --> 00:03:46,987
gets his first choice of bat.
But you know what?
97
00:03:47,054 --> 00:03:49,389
Let's not focus on the many,
many, many, many rules
98
00:03:49,456 --> 00:03:51,558
about the new bats;
let's have a little bit of fun.
99
00:03:51,625 --> 00:03:52,559
All right?
100
00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:54,995
Here we go, Batty,
help me out here.
101
00:03:55,062 --> 00:03:57,464
Batty?
Oh, boy.
102
00:03:57,531 --> 00:03:59,833
How 'bout being
a goddamn professional, sir?
103
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:02,102
It's Batty's first day,
he's still--
104
00:04:02,169 --> 00:04:03,804
He's still getting acclimated.
You ready?
105
00:04:03,871 --> 00:04:07,508
And a one, and a two,
and away we go.
106
00:04:07,574 --> 00:04:10,811
♪ Bats, bats, so many colors ♪
107
00:04:10,878 --> 00:04:13,480
♪ Bats, different
than the other ♪
108
00:04:13,547 --> 00:04:14,681
Big finish now.
109
00:04:14,748 --> 00:04:16,216
Bats!
110
00:04:16,283 --> 00:04:17,618
Remember, above the head,
Batty.
111
00:04:17,684 --> 00:04:19,720
There ya go!
Bats!
112
00:04:20,854 --> 00:04:22,422
- Jim, do you need anything?
113
00:04:22,489 --> 00:04:24,091
- Yeah, chemical shower,
114
00:04:24,158 --> 00:04:26,326
'cause that was the worst thing
I've ever done in my life,
115
00:04:26,393 --> 00:04:29,763
and I once went
to a Scientology jazz brunch.
116
00:04:29,830 --> 00:04:32,366
- Early numbers show
we're down 20% from last year.
117
00:04:32,432 --> 00:04:34,835
The bad flu season plus
the rolling Medicare outages
118
00:04:34,902 --> 00:04:36,503
have put a dent
in our fan interest,
119
00:04:36,570 --> 00:04:38,539
since so many of our fans
are now dead.
120
00:04:38,605 --> 00:04:40,140
- Well, that's gonna
be the problem
121
00:04:40,207 --> 00:04:42,176
when their median age is 73,
isn't it?
122
00:04:42,242 --> 00:04:43,544
- Mm-mm, 69 now.
123
00:04:43,610 --> 00:04:47,014
In demographics, it's known
as a reaper's cull.
124
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:48,615
- Reaper's cull, huh?
125
00:04:48,682 --> 00:04:50,551
Boy, oh, boy,
I'll tell you what.
126
00:04:50,617 --> 00:04:52,219
We gotta get ourselves
some new fans,
127
00:04:52,286 --> 00:04:53,654
and I know it's possible.
128
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,391
I raised a young, enthusiastic,
and engaged baseball fan--
129
00:04:57,457 --> 00:04:59,059
And speak of the angel,
here she is.
130
00:04:59,126 --> 00:05:00,160
Hey, darling.
131
00:05:00,227 --> 00:05:02,162
- Oh, my God,
I saw your bat dance online.
132
00:05:02,229 --> 00:05:04,998
How did you defile the dignity
of the commissioner's office
133
00:05:05,065 --> 00:05:06,333
on your very first day?
134
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:07,701
- And I love you too,
sweetheart.
135
00:05:07,768 --> 00:05:09,670
- Hi, Beth.
I love your hair.
136
00:05:09,736 --> 00:05:11,905
- Oh, thank you.
Hmm.
137
00:05:11,972 --> 00:05:12,906
- Thanks.
138
00:05:12,973 --> 00:05:14,808
- Hey, Beth.
- Hi.
139
00:05:14,875 --> 00:05:16,376
Uncle Charles, what's up?
140
00:05:16,443 --> 00:05:17,377
- How's film school?
141
00:05:17,444 --> 00:05:18,512
- Oh, it's good,
142
00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:20,214
but NYU changed
the name of the program
143
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:21,114
to content-pod creation.
144
00:05:21,181 --> 00:05:22,182
- Ugh.
- I'm sure they did.
145
00:05:22,249 --> 00:05:24,651
I'm sure your dad loves that.
- Ugh!
146
00:05:24,718 --> 00:05:25,886
- Yeah,
he's never mentioned it.
147
00:05:25,953 --> 00:05:27,487
You know how restrained he is.
148
00:05:27,554 --> 00:05:29,756
[bat smacks on TV]
149
00:05:29,823 --> 00:05:30,991
- Nice play.
150
00:05:31,058 --> 00:05:33,927
- Yeah, I'm out.
- Oh, you just got here.
151
00:05:33,994 --> 00:05:35,696
- Hate baseball,
love you guys, though.
152
00:05:35,762 --> 00:05:36,730
- Eh, Charles.
153
00:05:36,797 --> 00:05:37,698
- The game started, like,
an hour ago.
154
00:05:37,764 --> 00:05:38,932
How's it still
in the first inning?
155
00:05:38,999 --> 00:05:43,337
- That's how.
Pick a bat, there are only six!
156
00:05:43,403 --> 00:05:45,372
Please.
[chuckles]
157
00:05:45,439 --> 00:05:47,608
Important thing is,
we're here together, yeah?
158
00:05:47,674 --> 00:05:49,977
Happy holidays.
- Happy holidays.
159
00:05:52,212 --> 00:05:53,280
- Bet you're wondering
what we meant there
160
00:05:53,347 --> 00:05:54,881
by "holidays."
161
00:05:54,948 --> 00:05:56,149
- Sure, yeah.
162
00:05:56,216 --> 00:05:58,752
- When we first became
a family, I was determined
163
00:05:58,819 --> 00:06:00,754
that we'd have
some traditions of our own,
164
00:06:00,821 --> 00:06:03,390
so I decided to make
opening day part Christmas,
165
00:06:03,457 --> 00:06:07,060
part Fourth of July,
and 100% Brockmire, right?
166
00:06:07,127 --> 00:06:10,364
I mean, makes about as much
sense as Jesus Egg Day
167
00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:11,932
and Jesus Tree Day.
168
00:06:11,999 --> 00:06:12,933
Still hasn't chosen a bat.
169
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,735
I don't understand
what's happening.
170
00:06:14,801 --> 00:06:17,437
- Happy opening day.
- Thanks.
171
00:06:17,504 --> 00:06:18,538
See you later.
172
00:06:18,605 --> 00:06:22,075
- Pick a bat, pick a bat.
173
00:06:22,142 --> 00:06:24,211
- Okay, old man.
Here you go.
174
00:06:24,278 --> 00:06:28,081
- Ah, opening day gift.
My favorite.
175
00:06:28,148 --> 00:06:31,585
- It's a "Limen"
- Limon.
176
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:32,619
- A Limon.
- See the--
177
00:06:32,686 --> 00:06:35,055
- Okay--oh, look,
it's a little lemon.
178
00:06:35,122 --> 00:06:37,124
- Yeah, it's this amazing,
new digital assistant.
179
00:06:37,190 --> 00:06:38,925
- Oh, oh, I see.
180
00:06:38,992 --> 00:06:40,294
- You hate it?
181
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:41,528
- No, no, no, I love it.
182
00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:44,298
It's just, haven't we had
some kinda corporate spyware
183
00:06:44,364 --> 00:06:45,365
in our living room
for years now?
184
00:06:45,432 --> 00:06:47,601
I mean, why is this
little guy so different?
185
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,002
- So it's the algorithm
186
00:06:49,069 --> 00:06:51,104
So if Google's like a chainsaw,
Limon's like a scalpel.
187
00:06:51,171 --> 00:06:52,406
- Right.
188
00:06:52,472 --> 00:06:54,341
- It predicts all your needs,
it adapts to your whims,
189
00:06:54,408 --> 00:06:56,643
and it learns at, like,
an exponential rate.
190
00:06:56,710 --> 00:06:57,978
- Smarter robots,
191
00:06:58,045 --> 00:07:00,380
and our dystopia
is now complete.
192
00:07:00,447 --> 00:07:02,382
Thank you.
All right.
193
00:07:02,449 --> 00:07:05,919
Here's yours.
Ta-da.
194
00:07:05,986 --> 00:07:08,522
It's from the first ballgame
that we ever saw together.
195
00:07:08,588 --> 00:07:11,124
Those are our ticket stubs
and that's the scorecard.
196
00:07:11,191 --> 00:07:13,760
- You got everybody to sign it?
197
00:07:13,827 --> 00:07:16,496
Even McCabe?
Isn't McCabe, like, a--
198
00:07:16,563 --> 00:07:18,699
- In jail for killing his
brother, he most certainly is.
199
00:07:18,765 --> 00:07:22,336
I had to go to Angola prison
in Louisiana, but anywhoodles,
200
00:07:22,402 --> 00:07:24,971
pens and pencils are considered
murder weapons in there,
201
00:07:25,038 --> 00:07:28,141
so we had to etch his name
into it with his fingernail.
202
00:07:28,208 --> 00:07:30,310
It was a hell of a thing.
203
00:07:30,377 --> 00:07:32,879
- Wow, gonna make
a great conversation piece.
204
00:07:32,946 --> 00:07:34,214
- Now, I know what you're
thinking.
205
00:07:34,281 --> 00:07:36,049
Where am I gonna hang this
in my room?
206
00:07:36,116 --> 00:07:37,451
Well, I have several thoughts--
207
00:07:37,517 --> 00:07:38,518
- Yeah, actually, Dad,
208
00:07:38,585 --> 00:07:40,387
I wanted to talk to you
about that.
209
00:07:40,454 --> 00:07:42,222
I wanna live on campus.
210
00:07:42,289 --> 00:07:44,658
- Campus is 27 blocks away,
211
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,059
how am I gonna do your hair
every morning?
212
00:07:46,126 --> 00:07:49,696
I mean, I guess I could get up
early to beat the traffic,
213
00:07:49,763 --> 00:07:51,365
and do it while you slept,
but, boy,
214
00:07:51,431 --> 00:07:53,633
that's gonna limit
my style options, isn't it?
215
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:57,003
- I'm still gonna see you
all the time.
216
00:07:57,070 --> 00:07:59,506
I personally think that
a little bit of space
217
00:07:59,573 --> 00:08:01,208
might be good for us, right?
218
00:08:01,274 --> 00:08:03,844
- No, and it's going to be
absolutely horrible.
219
00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:06,947
[smooth instrumental music]
220
00:08:10,283 --> 00:08:12,419
- Jim, your car's almost here.
221
00:08:12,486 --> 00:08:14,354
You should eat something.
222
00:08:14,421 --> 00:08:15,856
Let me make you some tea.
223
00:08:15,922 --> 00:08:17,190
- I don't want any tea.
224
00:08:17,257 --> 00:08:19,192
- Come on, you can take it
to go if you want.
225
00:08:19,259 --> 00:08:21,628
- I said I don't want any tea,
God damn it.
226
00:08:21,695 --> 00:08:23,263
- Someone's a grumpy Gus.
227
00:08:23,330 --> 00:08:24,831
I'm glad you're seeing Beth
today.
228
00:08:24,898 --> 00:08:27,868
Just try not to smother her.
You know it drives her crazy.
229
00:08:27,934 --> 00:08:29,202
- I don't smother her.
230
00:08:29,269 --> 00:08:31,471
I have an all encompassing love
for her,
231
00:08:31,538 --> 00:08:33,640
which from the outside
might seem kinda constricting,
232
00:08:33,707 --> 00:08:36,309
but from the inside
it's actually quite warm and--
233
00:08:36,376 --> 00:08:37,144
- Sure.
- You know what,
234
00:08:37,210 --> 00:08:38,512
I don't have to explain myself
235
00:08:38,578 --> 00:08:39,679
to you, Limon.
236
00:08:39,746 --> 00:08:41,815
Jesus, you don't even
understand emotion.
237
00:08:41,882 --> 00:08:43,483
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
238
00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:46,253
Now please have some eggs.
239
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,789
- I don't want any eggs,
but I'd love to know
240
00:08:48,855 --> 00:08:50,323
how you made the goddamn eggs.
241
00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:52,426
Jesus.
- How's the tea?
242
00:08:52,492 --> 00:08:54,227
- Oh, you know very well
it's frickin' delicious,
243
00:08:54,294 --> 00:08:55,996
but you know what, Limon,
you don't know everything.
244
00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:57,330
[together]
Alfalfa.
245
00:08:57,397 --> 00:08:58,165
[together]
Dragoon.
246
00:08:58,231 --> 00:08:59,132
[together]
Vermillion.
247
00:08:59,199 --> 00:09:00,834
- Dictionary.
- Thesaurus. Ha!
248
00:09:00,901 --> 00:09:02,402
Not so smart, now, are you?
249
00:09:02,469 --> 00:09:04,404
- You're right.
You got me.
250
00:09:04,471 --> 00:09:06,139
Jim, you're so smart.
251
00:09:06,206 --> 00:09:08,241
- Hang on a second,
did you get that last one wrong
252
00:09:08,308 --> 00:09:09,609
on purpose
so I would feel better
253
00:09:09,676 --> 00:09:10,811
and eat something?
254
00:09:10,877 --> 00:09:13,547
- Oh, Jim, now you know me
too well.
255
00:09:13,613 --> 00:09:16,883
- Jesus Christ,
that is absolutely terrifying.
256
00:09:16,950 --> 00:09:19,052
I mean, how'd you make 'em
in the first place?
257
00:09:19,119 --> 00:09:21,087
- Have a nice opening day.
258
00:09:21,154 --> 00:09:23,824
[rock and roll music]
259
00:09:23,890 --> 00:09:26,626
[indistinct chatter]
260
00:09:26,693 --> 00:09:28,128
- Liz, order me some eggs?
261
00:09:28,195 --> 00:09:30,430
I got in a fight with my Limon
this morning.
262
00:09:30,497 --> 00:09:32,265
It turned into
a whole big thing.
263
00:09:32,332 --> 00:09:33,500
Wait, hold on a second, wait,
264
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:35,902
Now, they--it snuck a Luna bar
into my pocket.
265
00:09:35,969 --> 00:09:37,270
Christ, how does it do that?
266
00:09:37,337 --> 00:09:39,206
Hey, happy opening day,
my darling.
267
00:09:39,272 --> 00:09:41,141
- Hey, happy opening day.
- Hey.
268
00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:43,243
- So what happened to all
your colored bats?
269
00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:45,111
- Oh, baseball 2.0 is dead.
270
00:09:45,178 --> 00:09:47,214
The owners decided to reboot
the old game
271
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,483
as baseball classic.
272
00:09:49,549 --> 00:09:51,218
- So you just changed
the uniforms?
273
00:09:51,284 --> 00:09:52,986
- Just uniforms, that's right.
274
00:09:53,053 --> 00:09:55,489
And I'll tell ya, due to
the recent six month heat wave,
275
00:09:55,555 --> 00:09:57,657
the players are none too happy
about it, either.
276
00:09:57,724 --> 00:09:58,792
- Yeah, it's gotta be tough
to play
277
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,427
in 1/4-inch thick cotton.
278
00:10:00,494 --> 00:10:02,395
- Well, a hundred years ago,
we actually had
279
00:10:02,462 --> 00:10:03,830
this thing called winter.
280
00:10:03,897 --> 00:10:04,831
But you know what,
enough about work.
281
00:10:04,898 --> 00:10:05,732
Don't wanna talk about that,
how are you?
282
00:10:05,799 --> 00:10:08,068
How's college?
Tell me everything.
283
00:10:08,134 --> 00:10:10,070
- It's good.
284
00:10:10,136 --> 00:10:12,706
- Okay. That's it, it's good?
Come on.
285
00:10:13,807 --> 00:10:17,143
Oh, is that for me?
Look at--ooh, an envelope.
286
00:10:17,210 --> 00:10:19,846
- Happy opening day.
- Very mysterious.
287
00:10:19,913 --> 00:10:21,681
Might it contain a treasure map
288
00:10:21,748 --> 00:10:24,484
to the hidden location
of my present?
289
00:10:24,551 --> 00:10:26,486
No, it's an Amazon gift card,
290
00:10:26,553 --> 00:10:28,121
which is--that's
also very nice.
291
00:10:28,188 --> 00:10:29,489
Thank--thank you.
292
00:10:29,556 --> 00:10:30,957
- We agreed to go small
this year.
293
00:10:31,024 --> 00:10:32,626
- We absolutely did.
You're right.
294
00:10:32,692 --> 00:10:34,761
And there's yours.
295
00:10:34,828 --> 00:10:37,330
- Wow, did you paint that?
296
00:10:37,397 --> 00:10:39,165
- Took some classes
for some years,
297
00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:41,468
it's really no big deal.
298
00:10:42,435 --> 00:10:45,372
- Really aged yourself down.
- Artistic license.
299
00:10:45,438 --> 00:10:47,374
- What am I supposed to do
with a 10-foot painting
300
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:48,675
in an 8-foot dorm?
301
00:10:48,742 --> 00:10:49,843
- [sighs]
Limon was right.
302
00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:52,345
It was a mistake to use
"Guernica" as a reference.
303
00:10:52,412 --> 00:10:53,780
- I gotta go.
304
00:10:53,847 --> 00:10:55,181
- What do you mean go,
305
00:10:55,248 --> 00:10:56,650
you're not gonna stay
for the game?
306
00:10:56,716 --> 00:10:57,951
- I'm meeting
with some friends.
307
00:10:58,018 --> 00:11:00,954
- At least let me do your hair,
God, it's gotten so long.
308
00:11:01,021 --> 00:11:01,821
It's got no shape to it.
309
00:11:01,888 --> 00:11:03,523
What I can see
is way off trend,
310
00:11:03,590 --> 00:11:05,392
but lucky for you,
I brought my caboodle.
311
00:11:05,458 --> 00:11:06,760
- Dad, I don't want you
to do my hair anymore.
312
00:11:06,826 --> 00:11:08,128
- I just want to take a couple
of layers off the top, I swear.
313
00:11:08,194 --> 00:11:11,364
- I appreciate the cosmetology
night classes you took,
314
00:11:11,431 --> 00:11:14,067
and the sleepovers where you
gave makeovers to my friends--
315
00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:15,902
- Did Gigi tell ya,
I did her hair
316
00:11:15,969 --> 00:11:17,837
before her wedding last month,
and she said,
317
00:11:17,904 --> 00:11:20,140
and I'm quoting now,
I was the first person
318
00:11:20,206 --> 00:11:21,908
to ever bring out the woman
she always wanted
319
00:11:21,975 --> 00:11:22,909
to see in the mirror.
320
00:11:22,976 --> 00:11:24,511
Well, invite your friends here,
darling,
321
00:11:24,578 --> 00:11:26,713
I get half off concessions,
I think you--
322
00:11:26,780 --> 00:11:28,248
- They don't like baseball,
Dad.
323
00:11:28,315 --> 00:11:30,984
- Yeah, but you do.
Right?
324
00:11:31,051 --> 00:11:32,085
- Look, you love it,
and I love you,
325
00:11:32,152 --> 00:11:35,755
but, honestly, it's long,
and it's boring,
326
00:11:35,822 --> 00:11:37,891
and it seems vestigial.
327
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,726
Like America's sixth toe.
328
00:11:39,793 --> 00:11:41,528
- I see.
329
00:11:41,595 --> 00:11:43,263
- I gotta go.
330
00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:45,498
- Sixth toe.
331
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:48,568
- Another player passed out.
332
00:11:48,635 --> 00:11:51,271
They're asking for 20 minute
hydration breaks every inning.
333
00:11:51,338 --> 00:11:52,772
- Well, how long
do they estimate
334
00:11:52,839 --> 00:11:54,107
that's gonna make
the game?
335
00:11:54,174 --> 00:11:55,742
- It'll lean 5:20.
336
00:11:55,809 --> 00:11:58,111
[dynamic music]
337
00:11:58,178 --> 00:11:59,212
- Liz, who does your hair?
338
00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:00,547
- A black woman.
339
00:12:00,614 --> 00:12:01,615
- Okay.
340
00:12:07,287 --> 00:12:10,290
- It's just there's really no
difference between America
341
00:12:10,357 --> 00:12:13,427
and the Philippines, except
the U.S. has better branding.
342
00:12:13,493 --> 00:12:16,897
It's like we're sold this idea
of the middle class
343
00:12:16,964 --> 00:12:19,132
being our standard of living,
but it's not.
344
00:12:19,199 --> 00:12:21,368
Flint still doesn't have
clean water,
345
00:12:21,435 --> 00:12:23,871
Arizona doesn't
even have water, and--
346
00:12:23,937 --> 00:12:26,073
- I think we're supposed to
call it the Disputed Lands
347
00:12:26,139 --> 00:12:27,541
now that the whole thing
has spread to Texas.
348
00:12:27,608 --> 00:12:29,476
- Yes!
Yes, that's what I mean.
349
00:12:29,543 --> 00:12:31,545
There's no first world,
there's no third world,
350
00:12:31,612 --> 00:12:33,714
there's just this one
big broken world
351
00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:35,015
where inequality reigns
352
00:12:35,082 --> 00:12:38,118
and the deadly scramble for
resources has only just begun.
353
00:12:38,185 --> 00:12:41,121
[inhaling]
354
00:12:41,188 --> 00:12:43,924
[angsty pop music plays
over speakers]
355
00:12:43,991 --> 00:12:45,425
This shit is good.
356
00:12:45,492 --> 00:12:48,929
- Right?
I got it from my dad.
357
00:12:48,996 --> 00:12:50,430
Thanks, Dad.
358
00:12:50,497 --> 00:12:51,798
Not everything is terrible.
359
00:12:51,865 --> 00:12:53,667
I mean, Limon introduced us,
360
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:56,436
so human beings have taught
a machine
361
00:12:56,503 --> 00:12:58,338
to bring love
into this world.
362
00:13:05,178 --> 00:13:07,247
- Let's go to your room.
363
00:13:07,314 --> 00:13:09,416
- [groans] We can't!
364
00:13:09,483 --> 00:13:11,485
My roommate's running
a Netflix marathon.
365
00:13:11,551 --> 00:13:12,653
What about your room?
366
00:13:12,719 --> 00:13:14,488
I mean, Suzy won't even
notice us, right?
367
00:13:14,554 --> 00:13:17,357
I mean, she pretty much lives
in "Furtherworld."
368
00:13:17,424 --> 00:13:18,959
- Yeah,
her mind is in the game,
369
00:13:19,026 --> 00:13:21,094
but her body
is still in the room.
370
00:13:21,161 --> 00:13:23,196
Also, I know you're not
supposed to be able to smell
371
00:13:23,263 --> 00:13:24,731
when she poops
in the Furtherchair,
372
00:13:24,798 --> 00:13:27,701
but she only empties
that thing, like, once a week.
373
00:13:27,768 --> 00:13:30,837
- I guess we could, like,
go out and do something?
374
00:13:30,904 --> 00:13:32,506
Go to MOMA.
[chuckles]
375
00:13:32,572 --> 00:13:34,775
Oh, hey,
we could go see a game.
376
00:13:36,743 --> 00:13:38,045
- Baseball game?
377
00:13:38,111 --> 00:13:41,181
- [laughs]
Seriously?
378
00:13:41,248 --> 00:13:43,216
They still have those?
379
00:13:45,118 --> 00:13:46,219
[pin beeps]
380
00:13:46,286 --> 00:13:47,955
- Limon.
- Yes, Beth?
381
00:13:48,021 --> 00:13:50,891
- What day is it?
- Sunday, April 3rd.
382
00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:54,628
- Limon, do I have any messages
from my dad?
383
00:13:54,695 --> 00:13:57,164
- You have 72
unheard messages.
384
00:13:57,230 --> 00:13:58,332
- Shit!
- What?
385
00:13:58,398 --> 00:14:02,169
- Okay, there's a lot of panic
in that number, huh?
386
00:14:02,235 --> 00:14:03,403
And if I go he's gonna
be this nightmare,
387
00:14:03,470 --> 00:14:05,472
but if I don't go,
it's gonna be this big deal,
388
00:14:05,539 --> 00:14:06,573
but the truth is,
I don't wanna go,
389
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,375
and I only want it to be
a small deal, so--
390
00:14:08,442 --> 00:14:10,410
- Wait, so your dad lives
in New York?
391
00:14:10,477 --> 00:14:11,578
How come I've never met him?
392
00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:14,748
- We really haven't been
getting along lately,
393
00:14:14,815 --> 00:14:19,820
but today's always really been
our thing, like, really.
394
00:14:19,886 --> 00:14:21,555
- Okay,
so why don't we go then?
395
00:14:21,621 --> 00:14:23,156
We'll pop in, say hi,
it'll be fun.
396
00:14:23,223 --> 00:14:28,695
- No, no, it will be loud
and intense and memorable
397
00:14:28,762 --> 00:14:29,763
and a little scary,
398
00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:32,833
but one thing it will not be
is fun.
399
00:14:32,899 --> 00:14:34,501
My dad doesn't have fun
anymore,
400
00:14:34,568 --> 00:14:37,170
he just tolerates
and survives.
401
00:14:39,439 --> 00:14:41,174
- Then we'll make it fun.
402
00:14:41,241 --> 00:14:42,609
[discordant strumming]
403
00:14:42,676 --> 00:14:46,079
[organ music]
404
00:14:46,146 --> 00:14:47,280
- [sighs]
405
00:14:47,347 --> 00:14:48,382
Does it look okay?
406
00:14:48,448 --> 00:14:50,117
- Yeah.
407
00:14:50,183 --> 00:14:52,786
- Uncle Charles,
why are you here?
408
00:14:52,853 --> 00:14:55,222
- Jim called me.
It sounded like a cry for help,
409
00:14:55,288 --> 00:14:58,025
Mainly because he was crying
and he actually said help.
410
00:14:58,091 --> 00:14:59,793
- Shit, I can't believe
I missed the game.
411
00:14:59,860 --> 00:15:01,561
- No, no, you didn't.
412
00:15:01,628 --> 00:15:02,763
- It started five hours ago.
413
00:15:02,829 --> 00:15:05,132
- Yeah, well, everyone left,
but it's still going on.
414
00:15:05,198 --> 00:15:07,067
Baseball is still the worst.
415
00:15:07,134 --> 00:15:08,602
Look, I should go.
416
00:15:08,668 --> 00:15:10,637
Seeing Jim like this
and it usually ends
417
00:15:10,704 --> 00:15:12,639
with me doing something
I really don't wanna do.
418
00:15:12,706 --> 00:15:15,409
Um, is this your boyfriend,
by the way?
419
00:15:15,475 --> 00:15:17,044
- Brad.
420
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:19,880
[mimics sci-fi noises]
421
00:15:21,548 --> 00:15:23,717
- Holy shit.
422
00:15:24,684 --> 00:15:26,019
Good luck.
423
00:15:27,054 --> 00:15:28,388
- That's--that's your uncle?
424
00:15:28,455 --> 00:15:30,090
- Yeah, we're going,
- Okay.
425
00:15:33,493 --> 00:15:37,164
- Shit, he's gone full
"Godfather II"
426
00:15:37,230 --> 00:15:40,734
We should go.
- I see you cut your hair.
427
00:15:40,801 --> 00:15:43,770
- Hey, Dad.
428
00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:45,772
Happy opening day.
429
00:15:45,839 --> 00:15:48,642
- Thought you weren't coming.
430
00:15:48,708 --> 00:15:51,945
It's crazy, cause you wouldn't
hurt me like that.
431
00:15:52,012 --> 00:15:55,015
It's what I kept reminding
myself as I sat here
432
00:15:55,082 --> 00:15:57,517
alone and in the dark.
433
00:15:58,785 --> 00:16:01,788
[feet pitter-patter]
434
00:16:05,525 --> 00:16:08,595
Am I to assume
that he is my present?
435
00:16:08,662 --> 00:16:11,465
You don't seem to have brought
anything else with you.
436
00:16:11,531 --> 00:16:13,300
- I'm Brad.
437
00:16:13,366 --> 00:16:14,668
Beth's boyfriend.
438
00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:16,470
And just so you know, sir,
439
00:16:16,536 --> 00:16:20,474
this relationship,
it's Limon verified, so.
440
00:16:20,540 --> 00:16:22,175
- Well, I'm disappointed.
441
00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:25,712
I thought for sure he'd have
a guitar, maybe even a banjo.
442
00:16:25,779 --> 00:16:27,781
- Actually, sir, they call it
a mandolin--
443
00:16:27,848 --> 00:16:31,551
- Brad, don't walk
right into the punch.
444
00:16:31,618 --> 00:16:34,721
Dad, you wanna be nice?
445
00:16:34,788 --> 00:16:39,292
- So, sir, this baseball thing.
Is that like cricket?
446
00:16:39,359 --> 00:16:42,829
You know, I gotta tell you,
sir, I love cricket.
447
00:16:42,896 --> 00:16:44,631
[laughs]
Yeah.
448
00:16:44,698 --> 00:16:47,167
- [humming loudly]
449
00:16:47,234 --> 00:16:48,702
- Oh, sir, are you okay?
450
00:16:48,768 --> 00:16:51,671
- Mm, I'm just biting down
on my tongue so hard,
451
00:16:51,738 --> 00:16:55,709
I can taste my own blood,
but I'm fine.
452
00:16:55,775 --> 00:16:57,511
Tastes like cherries.
453
00:16:57,577 --> 00:16:59,546
- Okay, you know what,
why don't you wait outside?
454
00:16:59,613 --> 00:17:00,881
- No, please, I'll go.
455
00:17:00,947 --> 00:17:04,518
After all,
the game is finally over.
456
00:17:04,584 --> 00:17:06,520
[grunts]
457
00:17:08,188 --> 00:17:10,023
Look out, look out!
458
00:17:12,692 --> 00:17:13,960
- Dad. Dad.
459
00:17:14,027 --> 00:17:15,862
Why do you have to make
everything such a big deal?
460
00:17:15,929 --> 00:17:17,197
- You two are in love, huh?
461
00:17:17,264 --> 00:17:18,832
Why, cause Limon told you so?
462
00:17:18,899 --> 00:17:21,268
I mean, it does know exactly
how long it takes
463
00:17:21,334 --> 00:17:23,870
to reheat a pizza,
why shouldn't it be qualified
464
00:17:23,937 --> 00:17:26,640
to warm up the messy stew known
as human emotions as well?
465
00:17:26,706 --> 00:17:29,142
- Look, I asked Limon
to set me up
466
00:17:29,209 --> 00:17:31,077
with the perfect
college boyfriend,
467
00:17:31,144 --> 00:17:32,946
and you know what,
Brad is great.
468
00:17:33,013 --> 00:17:35,215
And I look forward to looking
at pictures of him
469
00:17:35,282 --> 00:17:37,751
and his family in ten years,
wondering if I made
470
00:17:37,817 --> 00:17:38,818
the right decision
to leave him,
471
00:17:38,885 --> 00:17:40,887
but knowing in my heart
that I did.
472
00:17:40,954 --> 00:17:43,823
- Well, all right,
that's actually pretty smart.
473
00:17:43,890 --> 00:17:46,126
But Beth, you come in here
with a haircut,
474
00:17:46,193 --> 00:17:47,827
it's not even flattering
to your facial structure--
475
00:17:47,894 --> 00:17:48,962
- Thanks.
- No, I--
476
00:17:49,029 --> 00:17:50,463
It's like I don't even know
who you are anymore.
477
00:17:50,530 --> 00:17:51,464
I mean, what else has changed?
478
00:17:51,531 --> 00:17:52,365
I mean, next thing
you're gonna tell me,
479
00:17:52,432 --> 00:17:54,801
you're shaving
your underarms now.
480
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,970
Are you shaving your underarms?
You are, aren't you.
481
00:17:57,037 --> 00:17:59,005
My God, I thought I raised you
482
00:17:59,072 --> 00:18:01,641
to reject all forms
of patrilocal grooming.
483
00:18:01,708 --> 00:18:03,710
What man told you to shave
your underarms?
484
00:18:03,777 --> 00:18:05,378
Was it Brad?
Was it?
485
00:18:05,445 --> 00:18:07,881
- No, Dad, you're the only man
who's ever talked to me
486
00:18:07,948 --> 00:18:08,982
about my underarms.
487
00:18:09,049 --> 00:18:09,916
- So he's not even interested
488
00:18:09,983 --> 00:18:11,051
in the struggle
that it represents.
489
00:18:11,117 --> 00:18:14,654
You know something,
if anything, that is worse.
490
00:18:14,721 --> 00:18:16,089
- I'm not doing this.
491
00:18:16,156 --> 00:18:17,824
Enjoy baseball classic.
492
00:18:17,891 --> 00:18:19,559
- Well, baseball classic
is dead, darling.
493
00:18:19,626 --> 00:18:22,629
Our new slogan is short,
and it's to the point.
494
00:18:22,696 --> 00:18:24,598
Baseball, now or never.
495
00:18:24,664 --> 00:18:27,033
My idea, first one
I've had in two years
496
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,702
that the owners
have actually liked.
497
00:18:28,768 --> 00:18:30,570
People don't come back
to this game now,
498
00:18:30,637 --> 00:18:33,106
it's gonna die.
499
00:18:33,173 --> 00:18:35,742
- Even your slogans
are passive aggressive.
500
00:18:35,809 --> 00:18:37,544
- Why are you so cruel to me?
501
00:18:37,611 --> 00:18:38,712
Is there a reason?
502
00:18:38,778 --> 00:18:41,815
- You think it's cruel
that I want my own life?
503
00:18:41,881 --> 00:18:44,251
- I think that's very clearly
what I'm saying, yes.
504
00:18:44,317 --> 00:18:47,087
- Look, I've been seeing
a therapist and she told--
505
00:18:47,153 --> 00:18:48,722
- You have been?
Wait a minute, darling,
506
00:18:48,788 --> 00:18:50,590
that's so good, no, because
you've experienced
507
00:18:50,657 --> 00:18:53,126
so much trauma in your life,
I mean, the loss of your mom,
508
00:18:53,193 --> 00:18:55,428
and being raised
by those religious fanatics,
509
00:18:55,495 --> 00:18:57,197
and immigrating
to this country.
510
00:18:57,264 --> 00:18:58,698
- Yeah, I talk some
about that stuff.
511
00:18:58,765 --> 00:19:00,033
- I'm so glad to hear that.
512
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,368
- I mainly talk about you.
513
00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:03,737
- Judas!
I gave you my heart.
514
00:19:03,803 --> 00:19:06,306
- I know!
I know you love me.
515
00:19:06,373 --> 00:19:08,908
that's what we talk about
in therapy.
516
00:19:08,975 --> 00:19:11,144
Your love is--it's
all encompassing,
517
00:19:11,211 --> 00:19:16,016
but it's all encompassing.
518
00:19:16,082 --> 00:19:18,585
I need to set
healthy boundaries with you.
519
00:19:18,652 --> 00:19:21,421
I mean, you followed me, Dad.
520
00:19:21,488 --> 00:19:22,956
You followed me to New York,
521
00:19:23,023 --> 00:19:25,825
and you never even wanted
to be commissioner.
522
00:19:25,892 --> 00:19:27,294
- That's not true.
523
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,163
God, you make me sound like
I have absolutely no integrity.
524
00:19:30,230 --> 00:19:31,064
- You're the face of a drug
525
00:19:31,131 --> 00:19:32,932
that makes people
shit themselves.
526
00:19:32,999 --> 00:19:34,934
- Oh, only if they want to,
and you know what?
527
00:19:35,001 --> 00:19:36,303
Those voluntary adult diapers
528
00:19:36,369 --> 00:19:39,939
are putting you through
college, Floribeth Brockmire.
529
00:19:40,006 --> 00:19:41,841
[sighs]
- Yeah, you're a good dad.
530
00:19:41,908 --> 00:19:44,177
You really are
in your own bat shit crazy way,
531
00:19:44,244 --> 00:19:48,815
but I need you to dial it down,
like, at least 60%
532
00:19:48,882 --> 00:19:50,850
because this
is not working for me.
533
00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:52,118
- Oh, well,
is it working for me?
534
00:19:52,185 --> 00:19:53,153
Is that what it's doing?
535
00:19:53,219 --> 00:19:54,988
I know I hang on too tight,
okay,
536
00:19:55,055 --> 00:19:57,691
but you totally vanished
on me, darn it.
537
00:19:58,758 --> 00:20:01,594
[sighs]
And you're all I have.
538
00:20:03,063 --> 00:20:05,398
- [sighs]
539
00:20:08,401 --> 00:20:10,103
Dad...
540
00:20:13,039 --> 00:20:16,142
Maybe if you stop leaving
50 messages a week,
541
00:20:16,209 --> 00:20:19,145
I can start making time
for visits, you know?
542
00:20:20,347 --> 00:20:24,184
Once every two weeks,
to start.
543
00:20:24,250 --> 00:20:26,019
Also my therapist said
she really thinks
544
00:20:26,086 --> 00:20:28,555
we could use
some sessions together.
545
00:20:28,621 --> 00:20:31,591
- Okay, how about two,
three sessions a week?
546
00:20:33,126 --> 00:20:36,696
I'm just kidding.
I'll come whenever I'm invited.
547
00:20:36,763 --> 00:20:39,499
- You know I love you, right?
548
00:20:39,566 --> 00:20:41,601
- I love you too.
549
00:20:42,469 --> 00:20:47,040
Boy, no idea what I'm gonna do
with all my free time, now.
550
00:20:47,107 --> 00:20:49,976
Where am I gonna focus all this
love and attention?
551
00:20:50,043 --> 00:20:52,145
- How 'bout baseball?
552
00:20:52,212 --> 00:20:53,446
- [scoffs]
553
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:56,416
The owners will never let me
enact any real change.
554
00:20:56,483 --> 00:20:59,986
- Since when do you need
permission for anything?
555
00:21:00,053 --> 00:21:02,255
Just follow your instincts
556
00:21:02,322 --> 00:21:04,457
and make a lot of noise
when you do.
557
00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:06,426
- You know what,
you're absolutely right.
558
00:21:06,493 --> 00:21:07,861
God damn it, I can do this.
559
00:21:07,927 --> 00:21:09,763
I understand
the modern media landscape.
560
00:21:09,829 --> 00:21:11,965
I'm hip.
561
00:21:12,031 --> 00:21:13,400
Is hip still a thing
people say?
562
00:21:13,466 --> 00:21:15,502
I just realized, I haven't
heard that in a very long time.
563
00:21:15,568 --> 00:21:16,536
Oh, God, I sound
564
00:21:16,603 --> 00:21:18,605
like I'm a thousand years old,
don't I?
565
00:21:18,671 --> 00:21:21,374
Like when Aunt Jean asked you
if you smoke grass.
566
00:21:22,976 --> 00:21:24,277
Do you smoke grass?
567
00:21:24,344 --> 00:21:25,712
[door clicking]
568
00:21:25,779 --> 00:21:27,280
Charles, thank God
you're still here.
569
00:21:27,347 --> 00:21:29,682
I need you to help me save
baseball, sir.
570
00:21:31,818 --> 00:21:34,821
[rock and roll music]
571
00:21:35,655 --> 00:21:36,790
He'll help.
572
00:21:36,856 --> 00:21:38,391
He'll help.
- Yeah.
53628
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