Original subtitles

[kettle beeps] - Initiating boiling.

- We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news.

- What?

- Presidential mistress accused of human trafficking.

- Hey, Mom.

- What's going on with the President?

- That already happened. Old news, Mom.

Anyway, Mom, you've gotta watch this show...

- But there were so many.

- Grandma, you said you would be a guest on my podcast.

- The questions you ask are too intimate.

[kettle steaming loudly] What's happening

with the squirrels?

- It's all a government lie, which you would know,

if you would listen to my podcast!

Grandma. Grandma! - I am ready. I am ready.

- [screams]

- Content fatigue,

it's real and it's a problem.

Millions suffer from the anxiety,

inability to focus, and irritability

brought on by mild to moderate CF,

and it's even worse for us seniors.

Did you know the brain of an average 60-year-old

can only hold 150 narrative content streams?

That's half the NCS of somebody in their 30s.

[chuckles]

No wonder it's so darn overwhelming for us.

Sure, we could just watch less content,

but in these ever-changing times,

why should we get left behind?

CholEra relaxes the folds of your brain

so it can take more content, and take it deep.

Don't let the fast-paced modern world get away from you.

Keep up with CholEra.

CholEra's not habit forming.

Side effects include irregular heartbeat,

blurred vision, nausea, and vomiting,

stomach pain, constipation, gas, indigestion,

and loose stools, dry mouth, altered taste buds,

and changes in appetite, sleepiness, trouble sleeping,

or vivid and unusual dreams about teeth,

frequent stools, changes in mood,

thoughts of killing yourself or others,

and explosive stools.

- I keep up with CholEra.

[soft guitar music]

- When I first took the job of commissioner,

a lot of people, and I mean a lot of people,

they told me it was really a bad idea.

They said that baseball was already dead

and just lying there, bloated by the side of the river,

and I was just some emotionally troubled kid

driven to poke at it with a stick

out of my own morbid curiosity.

Now, if you're not used to that particular brand

of risqué humor coming from your commissioner,

get ready, people,

because baseball's original bad boy is back,

and I am ready to cause trouble, America.

[chuckles]

[clears throat] Okay, look,

it's my pleasure to announce that today

is the first day of baseball 2.0.

[triumphant music playing]

♪ ♪

- Baseball 2.0. [echoes]

- So are you shortening games, or--

- We're gonna do better than that!

We're giving the batters different colored bats.

That's right!

Say good-bye to baseball's biggest problem,

those dull and colorless bats,

and say hello to my friend Batty.

Come on up here.

Look how happy he is.

He's happy 'cause we got new colors.

Although, he's still in the traditional color.

- So the only change is that batters get to pick

whatever color bat they wanna go to bat with?

- Well, no, they get to choose from five pre-approved,

officially exciting MLB bat colors.

Help me out here, Batty.

P--Batty, pull the thing off. Like we rehearsed.

Thank you, Batty.

So we got wood, dark wood, mountain blue,

rose gold, and Pete Rose red, my personal favorite.

- Dark wood and mountain blue, they look exactly alike.

- Well, I've been assured that they are actually different.

Finally, the players get to show off

their colorful personalities.

Provided, of course, they choose a bat different

from the player before them, and different

from the one after them in the on-deck circle,

who, for some reason that I don't quite understand,

gets his first choice of bat. But you know what?

Let's not focus on the many, many, many, many rules

about the new bats; let's have a little bit of fun.

All right?

Here we go, Batty, help me out here.

Batty? Oh, boy.

How 'bout being a goddamn professional, sir?

It's Batty's first day, he's still--

He's still getting acclimated. You ready?

And a one, and a two, and away we go.

♪ Bats, bats, so many colors ♪

♪ Bats, different than the other ♪

Big finish now.

Bats!

Remember, above the head, Batty.

There ya go! Bats!

- Jim, do you need anything?

- Yeah, chemical shower,

'cause that was the worst thing I've ever done in my life,

and I once went to a Scientology jazz brunch.

- Early numbers show we're down 20% from last year.

The bad flu season plus the rolling Medicare outages

have put a dent in our fan interest,

since so many of our fans are now dead.

- Well, that's gonna be the problem

when their median age is 73, isn't it?

- Mm-mm, 69 now.

In demographics, it's known as a reaper's cull.

- Reaper's cull, huh?

Boy, oh, boy, I'll tell you what.

We gotta get ourselves some new fans,

and I know it's possible.

I raised a young, enthusiastic, and engaged baseball fan--

And speak of the angel, here she is.

Hey, darling.

- Oh, my God, I saw your bat dance online.

How did you defile the dignity of the commissioner's office

on your very first day?

- And I love you too, sweetheart.

- Hi, Beth. I love your hair.

- Oh, thank you. Hmm.

- Thanks.

- Hey, Beth. - Hi.

Uncle Charles, what's up?

- How's film school?

- Oh, it's good,

but NYU changed the name of the program

to content-pod creation.

- Ugh. - I'm sure they did.

I'm sure your dad loves that. - Ugh!

- Yeah, he's never mentioned it.

You know how restrained he is.

[bat smacks on TV]

- Nice play.

- Yeah, I'm out. - Oh, you just got here.

- Hate baseball, love you guys, though.

- Eh, Charles.

- The game started, like, an hour ago.

How's it still in the first inning?

- That's how. Pick a bat, there are only six!

Please. [chuckles]

Important thing is, we're here together, yeah?

Happy holidays. - Happy holidays.

- Bet you're wondering what we meant there

by "holidays."

- Sure, yeah.

- When we first became a family, I was determined

that we'd have some traditions of our own,

so I decided to make opening day part Christmas,

part Fourth of July, and 100% Brockmire, right?

I mean, makes about as much sense as Jesus Egg Day

and Jesus Tree Day.

Still hasn't chosen a bat.

I don't understand what's happening.

- Happy opening day. - Thanks.

See you later.

- Pick a bat, pick a bat.

- Okay, old man. Here you go.

- Ah, opening day gift. My favorite.

- It's a "Limen" - Limon.

- A Limon. - See the--

- Okay--oh, look, it's a little lemon.

- Yeah, it's this amazing, new digital assistant.

- Oh, oh, I see.

- You hate it?

- No, no, no, I love it.

It's just, haven't we had some kinda corporate spyware

in our living room for years now?

I mean, why is this little guy so different?

- So it's the algorithm

So if Google's like a chainsaw, Limon's like a scalpel.

- Right.

- It predicts all your needs, it adapts to your whims,

and it learns at, like, an exponential rate.

- Smarter robots,

and our dystopia is now complete.

Thank you. All right.

Here's yours. Ta-da.

It's from the first ballgame that we ever saw together.

Those are our ticket stubs and that's the scorecard.

- You got everybody to sign it?

Even McCabe? Isn't McCabe, like, a--

- In jail for killing his brother, he most certainly is.

I had to go to Angola prison in Louisiana, but anywhoodles,

pens and pencils are considered murder weapons in there,

so we had to etch his name into it with his fingernail.

It was a hell of a thing.

- Wow, gonna make a great conversation piece.

- Now, I know what you're thinking.

Where am I gonna hang this in my room?

Well, I have several thoughts--

- Yeah, actually, Dad,

I wanted to talk to you about that.

I wanna live on campus.

- Campus is 27 blocks away,

how am I gonna do your hair every morning?

I mean, I guess I could get up early to beat the traffic,

and do it while you slept, but, boy,

that's gonna limit my style options, isn't it?

- I'm still gonna see you all the time.

I personally think that a little bit of space

might be good for us, right?

- No, and it's going to be absolutely horrible.

[smooth instrumental music]

- Jim, your car's almost here.

You should eat something.

Let me make you some tea.

- I don't want any tea.

- Come on, you can take it to go if you want.

- I said I don't want any tea, God damn it.

- Someone's a grumpy Gus.

I'm glad you're seeing Beth today.

Just try not to smother her. You know it drives her crazy.

- I don't smother her.

I have an all encompassing love for her,

which from the outside might seem kinda constricting,

but from the inside it's actually quite warm and--

- Sure. - You know what,

I don't have to explain myself

to you, Limon.

Jesus, you don't even understand emotion.

- You're right. I'm sorry.

Now please have some eggs.

- I don't want any eggs, but I'd love to know

how you made the goddamn eggs.

Jesus. - How's the tea?

- Oh, you know very well it's frickin' delicious,

but you know what, Limon, you don't know everything.

[together] Alfalfa.

[together] Dragoon.

[together] Vermillion.

- Dictionary. - Thesaurus. Ha!

Not so smart, now, are you?

- You're right. You got me.

Jim, you're so smart.

- Hang on a second, did you get that last one wrong

on purpose so I would feel better

and eat something?

- Oh, Jim, now you know me too well.

- Jesus Christ, that is absolutely terrifying.

I mean, how'd you make 'em in the first place?

- Have a nice opening day.

[rock and roll music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Liz, order me some eggs?

I got in a fight with my Limon this morning.

It turned into a whole big thing.

Wait, hold on a second, wait,

Now, they--it snuck a Luna bar into my pocket.

Christ, how does it do that?

Hey, happy opening day, my darling.

- Hey, happy opening day. - Hey.

- So what happened to all your colored bats?

- Oh, baseball 2.0 is dead.

The owners decided to reboot the old game

as baseball classic.

- So you just changed the uniforms?

- Just uniforms, that's right.

And I'll tell ya, due to the recent six month heat wave,

the players are none too happy about it, either.

- Yeah, it's gotta be tough to play

in 1/4-inch thick cotton.

- Well, a hundred years ago, we actually had

this thing called winter.

But you know what, enough about work.

Don't wanna talk about that, how are you?

How's college? Tell me everything.

- It's good.

- Okay. That's it, it's good? Come on.

Oh, is that for me? Look at--ooh, an envelope.

- Happy opening day. - Very mysterious.

Might it contain a treasure map

to the hidden location of my present?

No, it's an Amazon gift card,

which is--that's also very nice.

Thank--thank you.

- We agreed to go small this year.

- We absolutely did. You're right.

And there's yours.

- Wow, did you paint that?

- Took some classes for some years,

it's really no big deal.

- Really aged yourself down. - Artistic license.

- What am I supposed to do with a 10-foot painting

in an 8-foot dorm?

- [sighs] Limon was right.

It was a mistake to use "Guernica" as a reference.

- I gotta go.

- What do you mean go,

you're not gonna stay for the game?

- I'm meeting with some friends.

- At least let me do your hair, God, it's gotten so long.

It's got no shape to it.

What I can see is way off trend,

but lucky for you, I brought my caboodle.

- Dad, I don't want you to do my hair anymore.

- I just want to take a couple of layers off the top, I swear.

- I appreciate the cosmetology night classes you took,

and the sleepovers where you gave makeovers to my friends--

- Did Gigi tell ya, I did her hair

before her wedding last month, and she said,

and I'm quoting now, I was the first person

to ever bring out the woman she always wanted

to see in the mirror.

Well, invite your friends here, darling,

I get half off concessions, I think you--

- They don't like baseball, Dad.

- Yeah, but you do. Right?

- Look, you love it, and I love you,

but, honestly, it's long, and it's boring,

and it seems vestigial.

Like America's sixth toe.

- I see.

- I gotta go.

- Sixth toe.

- Another player passed out.

They're asking for 20 minute hydration breaks every inning.

- Well, how long do they estimate

that's gonna make the game?

- It'll lean 5:20.

[dynamic music]

- Liz, who does your hair?

- A black woman.

- Okay.

- It's just there's really no difference between America

and the Philippines, except the U.S. has better branding.

It's like we're sold this idea of the middle class

being our standard of living, but it's not.

Flint still doesn't have clean water,

Arizona doesn't even have water, and--

- I think we're supposed to call it the Disputed Lands

now that the whole thing has spread to Texas.

- Yes! Yes, that's what I mean.

There's no first world, there's no third world,

there's just this one big broken world

where inequality reigns

and the deadly scramble for resources has only just begun.

[inhaling]

[angsty pop music plays over speakers]

This shit is good.

- Right? I got it from my dad.

Thanks, Dad.

Not everything is terrible.

I mean, Limon introduced us,

so human beings have taught a machine

to bring love into this world.

- Let's go to your room.

- [groans] We can't!

My roommate's running a Netflix marathon.

What about your room?

I mean, Suzy won't even notice us, right?

I mean, she pretty much lives in "Furtherworld."

- Yeah, her mind is in the game,

but her body is still in the room.

Also, I know you're not supposed to be able to smell

when she poops in the Furtherchair,

but she only empties that thing, like, once a week.

- I guess we could, like, go out and do something?

Go to MOMA. [chuckles]

Oh, hey, we could go see a game.

- Baseball game?

- [laughs] Seriously?

They still have those?

[pin beeps]

- Limon. - Yes, Beth?

- What day is it? - Sunday, April 3rd.

- Limon, do I have any messages from my dad?

- You have 72 unheard messages.

- Shit! - What?

- Okay, there's a lot of panic in that number, huh?

And if I go he's gonna be this nightmare,

but if I don't go, it's gonna be this big deal,

but the truth is, I don't wanna go,

and I only want it to be a small deal, so--

- Wait, so your dad lives in New York?

How come I've never met him?

- We really haven't been getting along lately,

but today's always really been our thing, like, really.

- Okay, so why don't we go then?

We'll pop in, say hi, it'll be fun.

- No, no, it will be loud and intense and memorable

and a little scary,

but one thing it will not be is fun.

My dad doesn't have fun anymore,

he just tolerates and survives.

- Then we'll make it fun.

[discordant strumming]

[organ music]

- [sighs]

Does it look okay?

- Yeah.

- Uncle Charles, why are you here?

- Jim called me. It sounded like a cry for help,

Mainly because he was crying and he actually said help.

- Shit, I can't believe I missed the game.

- No, no, you didn't.

- It started five hours ago.

- Yeah, well, everyone left, but it's still going on.

Baseball is still the worst.

Look, I should go.

Seeing Jim like this and it usually ends

with me doing something I really don't wanna do.

Um, is this your boyfriend, by the way?

- Brad.

[mimics sci-fi noises]

- Holy shit.

Good luck.

- That's--that's your uncle?

- Yeah, we're going, - Okay.

- Shit, he's gone full "Godfather II"

We should go. - I see you cut your hair.

- Hey, Dad.

Happy opening day.

- Thought you weren't coming.

It's crazy, cause you wouldn't hurt me like that.

It's what I kept reminding myself as I sat here

alone and in the dark.

[feet pitter-patter]

Am I to assume that he is my present?

You don't seem to have brought anything else with you.

- I'm Brad.

Beth's boyfriend.

And just so you know, sir,

this relationship, it's Limon verified, so.

- Well, I'm disappointed.

I thought for sure he'd have a guitar, maybe even a banjo.

- Actually, sir, they call it a mandolin--

- Brad, don't walk right into the punch.

Dad, you wanna be nice?

- So, sir, this baseball thing. Is that like cricket?

You know, I gotta tell you, sir, I love cricket.

[laughs] Yeah.

- [humming loudly]

- Oh, sir, are you okay?

- Mm, I'm just biting down on my tongue so hard,

I can taste my own blood, but I'm fine.

Tastes like cherries.

- Okay, you know what, why don't you wait outside?

- No, please, I'll go.

After all, the game is finally over.

[grunts]

Look out, look out!

- Dad. Dad.

Why do you have to make everything such a big deal?

- You two are in love, huh?

Why, cause Limon told you so?

I mean, it does know exactly how long it takes

to reheat a pizza, why shouldn't it be qualified

to warm up the messy stew known as human emotions as well?

- Look, I asked Limon to set me up

with the perfect college boyfriend,

and you know what, Brad is great.

And I look forward to looking at pictures of him

and his family in ten years, wondering if I made

the right decision to leave him,

but knowing in my heart that I did.

- Well, all right, that's actually pretty smart.

But Beth, you come in here with a haircut,

it's not even flattering to your facial structure--

- Thanks. - No, I--

It's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

I mean, what else has changed?

I mean, next thing you're gonna tell me,

you're shaving your underarms now.

Are you shaving your underarms? You are, aren't you.

My God, I thought I raised you

to reject all forms of patrilocal grooming.

What man told you to shave your underarms?

Was it Brad? Was it?

- No, Dad, you're the only man who's ever talked to me

about my underarms.

- So he's not even interested

in the struggle that it represents.

You know something, if anything, that is worse.

- I'm not doing this.

Enjoy baseball classic.

- Well, baseball classic is dead, darling.

Our new slogan is short, and it's to the point.

Baseball, now or never.

My idea, first one I've had in two years

that the owners have actually liked.

People don't come back to this game now,

it's gonna die.

- Even your slogans are passive aggressive.

- Why are you so cruel to me?

Is there a reason?

- You think it's cruel that I want my own life?

- I think that's very clearly what I'm saying, yes.

- Look, I've been seeing a therapist and she told--

- You have been? Wait a minute, darling,

that's so good, no, because you've experienced

so much trauma in your life, I mean, the loss of your mom,

and being raised by those religious fanatics,

and immigrating to this country.

- Yeah, I talk some about that stuff.

- I'm so glad to hear that.

- I mainly talk about you.

- Judas! I gave you my heart.

- I know! I know you love me.

that's what we talk about in therapy.

Your love is--it's all encompassing,

but it's all encompassing.

I need to set healthy boundaries with you.

I mean, you followed me, Dad.

You followed me to New York,

and you never even wanted to be commissioner.

- That's not true.

God, you make me sound like I have absolutely no integrity.

- You're the face of a drug

that makes people shit themselves.

- Oh, only if they want to, and you know what?

Those voluntary adult diapers

are putting you through college, Floribeth Brockmire.

[sighs] - Yeah, you're a good dad.

You really are in your own bat shit crazy way,

but I need you to dial it down, like, at least 60%

because this is not working for me.

- Oh, well, is it working for me?

Is that what it's doing?

I know I hang on too tight, okay,

but you totally vanished on me, darn it.

[sighs] And you're all I have.

- [sighs]

Dad...

Maybe if you stop leaving 50 messages a week,

I can start making time for visits, you know?

Once every two weeks, to start.

Also my therapist said she really thinks

we could use some sessions together.

- Okay, how about two, three sessions a week?

I'm just kidding. I'll come whenever I'm invited.

- You know I love you, right?

- I love you too.

Boy, no idea what I'm gonna do with all my free time, now.

Where am I gonna focus all this love and attention?

- How 'bout baseball?

- [scoffs]

The owners will never let me enact any real change.

- Since when do you need permission for anything?

Just follow your instincts

and make a lot of noise when you do.

- You know what, you're absolutely right.

God damn it, I can do this.

I understand the modern media landscape.

I'm hip.

Is hip still a thing people say?

I just realized, I haven't heard that in a very long time.

Oh, God, I sound

like I'm a thousand years old, don't I?

Like when Aunt Jean asked you if you smoke grass.

Do you smoke grass?

[door clicking]

Charles, thank God you're still here.

I need you to help me save baseball, sir.

[rock and roll music]

He'll help.

He'll help. - Yeah.