Original subtitles

Ron Burgundy, for years he was

the prophet San Diego turned to for its news.

But then, like a shimmering comet, he disappeared.

So where does the next chapter

of the legend of Ron Burgundy begin?

It begins in a place where all great men go

for the second act of their life,

New York City!

Ron Burgundy!

Your lady's got an ass that looks like a diamond

wrapped in hundred dollar bills.

You know there's two things daddy likes

is diamonds and hundred dollar bills, baby.

And white women.

Ron, aren't you going to say something to him?

Hey, when you've got an ass like a piece of Bubblicious,

people are going to want to stop and chew on it.

It was a time before cell phones

and when Google and Twitter were sounds made by monkeys and babies.

Chop Sue)'-.

"Chop suey," says Choppy.

Chop suey.

Mickey Mouse shrieked in pain

as the bear trap severed his right leg.

Chuck-wan.

Wendy wore her wedding dress to the orgy.

Wendy wore her wedding dress to the orgy. Orgy.

Corningstone. Corningstone.

Oh, my God! Oh, no!

He's getting close!

Oh, no!

He died too young!

Five, four...

- Have a great broadcast. - You, too, darling.

Good evening.

This is the weekend edition of WBC News at 6:30.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

And I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Our top story tonight.

The U.N. today announced sanctions against...

When the broadcast is over,

send these two up to my office.

Time to make a change.

Rumor has it that after 35 years of manning the helm,

Mack Tannen is thinking about stepping down.

That's right.

Do you... Do you think we could be...

We could be getting the Nightly News, Ron?

I think that's exactly what's about to happen.

Oh, my God. That's what's happening, isn't it?

- Do you know what this means? - Yes, I do.

Our lives will be changed forever.

Forever.

We can finally buy that speed boat.

- We could. - We could have twenty kids.

Or two. We could have two children.

You can constantly be pregnant.

With a surrogate.

What's a surrogate?

Oh, my sweet, mouth-breathing goon.

My lightly sautéed veal outlet.

Oh, my giant asshole.

Mr. Tannen, you are an inspiration, sir.

I've been doing the evening news now for over 35 years.

- Done a hell of a job. - Yes, sir.

A hell of a job!

I've covered assassinations, wars, famines, plagues.

Never good.

I have a nasty pill addiction.

You should try switching to alcohol.

It's really great.

The point is,

this is a very demanding job.

Yes.

But I'm close to thinking that

you may have what it takes.

Now, let me look at you.

Oh, my God.

What are you?

Finnish?

Oddly enough, I'm 90% Chicano, 10% Inuit.

None of that is true, Ron.

Well, I'm Dutch-German with a dash of Cherokee.

I'm so nervous.

You can take her for a test drive if you like.

That's a one spicy meatball, huh!

Sorry.

All right.

We're about to make

network news history.

- Veronica. - Yes?

You're going to be the first female full-time

network news anchor.

- Oh, my goodness! - I knew it.

And you, Mr. Burgundy...

Thank you, yes. The first left-handed baritone.

- Mr. Burgundy. - Yes?

You're fired.

Come again?

Fired.

I'm sorry, it just didn't work out.

You don't seem sorry.

You are the worst anchorman

I have ever seen.

But what did I do wrong? Name one thing.

The injured police officer was immediately transferred

to an amber-lance.

Amboolance

An am... Ambrulance.

I can't say it. You ever have that?

A word you can't get? I have trouble with broccoli.

Broccoli has always been hard for me to say. Broccoli.

The slain civil rights leader was eulogized...

Oh, wow! Did you see that? Right on the lens!

That doesn't happen every day.

That's a lot of bacteria.

I'm sorry, sweetie, you're the best. Quick kiss.

Fuck's sake.

Now, I know this is tricky, given your relationship,

so I'm going to give you the evening to think about it.

I forbid it!

You forbid it? What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?

Who the hell is Julius Caesar?

Do you mean Dr. J.? Dr. Julius Caesar the basketball player?

You... Be quiet.

Mom?

I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.

He no go to sleep.

Christ, Lupita! What are you doing downstairs?

Stay in your quarters.

Mommy? Daddy? Why are you yelling at each other?

Did Dad drink too much white wine again?

Walter, honey, why don't you just go to bed, all right?

Mommy and Daddy are just having a discussion.

No! He needs to hear this.

He's six years old. He's a man.

Walter, listen to me.

Are you looking at me? Walter!

Walter! Walter!

- He's looking at you, Ron. - Okay, I can't tell.

Life isn't a fairy tale. Okay?

It's not "Let's play Candy Land and take a three-hour dump."

It's complicated.

It's about getting a paycheck

and keeping a gun out of your mouth.

- He is a child, Ron! - Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

He's got hair on his nugs. He's old enough to hear this.

Sometimes in life, you're going to have to drink

a big, fat, stinking bowl of hot, frothy horse piss!

- Am I getting through to you? - Ron!

I don't want to drink horse piss!

Walter, honey, it's okay. All right.

This is some sort of metaphor that your father is using.

It's going to be hot, and frothy, and pungent,

and it's going to spill down the front of your shirt...

Stop it, Ron!

People are going to be laughing at you!

Oh, they'll be laughing!

I don't want to drink foamy, hot horse piss!

Oh, yes, you will. You will gulp it down.

And then, ironically, you'll develop a thirst

as if you were alone in the Sahara Desert.

It'll be the only thing on your mind.

"Got to have more horse piss."

One time, Fidel Castro made my father drink horse piss.

Lupita, you are not helping the situation.

Is Castro going to make me drink horse piss?

Damn it, Ron!

It happens all over the world.

We will never, ever make you drink hot horse piss.

I promise you that.

Listen, son, I've heard those same exact words!

And guess what? I always have to drink the horse piss!

He's right. I always have to drink the horse piss.

I will lock you in a closet.

Burns your throat coming down

and it burns your keester coming out.

I don't want to drink horse piss!

Veronica, here's the bottom line.

It's a very simple decision.

It's either me or the job.

It doesn't have to be a choice, Ron.

Don't do this.

Don't throw away everything that we've worked so hard for.

Me

Or the job.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 3:10

Dolphin Show at Sea World.

Sponsored by Enron.

Enron, meeting your energy needs now and forever.

Here's your host, Ron Burgundy.

Good afternoon, everyone.

And welcome to world-famous Sea World,

here in San Diago, California.

Folks, you're going to learn a lot about sea life today.

You're also going to learn a lot about human despair.

And your teacher's going to be me.

You're also going to learn that in a pinch

you can fit an entire ham sandwich in your butt crack.

So you can sample it because they only give you

a 15 minute smoke break here.

Let's bring out our world-class trainers here,

Jesse and Paula.

Thank you. Thank you, Ron.

I'd like to train you two lil' honeys how to give me

a world class spanking.

You know there's no drinking on the job, Ron.

I'm aware of that, Missy.

There's also another rule here at Sea World,

no being a bitch on the job.

Okay-

So, let's say hello to the stars of the show,

Chippy and Roo-roo!

The rat of the ocean, the dolphin.

Look, they're swimming and doing tricks!

Folks, what do you expect? They're dolphins.

What did you say?

Oh, really? You're a big man.

You want to go? I'll punch you in the face.

He said he was going to punch a dolphin.

You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!

Hey, you want to see the other dolphin show?

It's right here in my pants.

Children and animals hate you, Ron Burgundy!

Go ahead, yell all you want!

Unhand me, you buffoons!

All right, first, you gave a gin and tonic

to the sea otters

and then you stuck your dick in the sea anemone display.

You're fired, you washed-up drunk!

Guess what, Trevor?

Every morning I get here early

and rub my private parts with a sea cucumber.

This is the end of the road. I'm not turning back.

I don't know if I'll vacate my bowels.

It's the only time I've ever hung myself.

It's too late, Baxter.

My final words?

Tell the people that I said...

"Firetruck." I'm drawing a blank.

It's okay, you're a dog.

People won't expect you to remember it word for word.

Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.

Evonne Goolagong's feminine napkin!

Mr. Burgundy?

Hello, I... Oh, my God!

What the hell happened?

I tried to hang myself?

Because my life's a mess?

And I saw no other option?

I think you're telling the truth,

but why are you saying it like you're lying?

Because you're a stranger.

And I don't want you to judge me.

Yeah, but...

it happened right before you walked in. You missed it.

Oh, well. 'Cause it happened. Yeah.

So...

These are first-rate flapjacks.

I'm telling you, suicide makes you hungry,

I don't care what anyone says.

My name is Freddie Shapp,

and I'm a producer of a new kind of news.

We're starting a 24-hour news channel.

First of its kind!

GNN. The Global News Network.

That is, without a doubt,

the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

You mean news going 24 hours around the clock?

A channel that's never off, in other words?

Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours.

Freddie Shapp, you are a fucking idiot.

Mr. Burgundy, I assure you

we are 100% for real.

We've got state-of-the-art facilities in Manhattan.

And Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire

and owner of Koala Airlines.

I saw Kench Allenby play at the Bob Hope Classic.

He hit a wedge from 130 out,

he put it on the head of a quarter.

That guy Can Way-

He's funding the whole network. He believes in it.

Here.

This is your first week's salary.

By the oversized nipples of Della Reese!

We've got a whole news team ready for you.

Sports, weather and a top-notch investigative reporter.

This is a young guy I never heard of. Bob Costas.

This guy, we'll get his gap fixed, Letterman.

And Jennings. He's a young kid, but they're hungry.

I don't think you understand, Freddie.

When my wife turned her back on me

by letting me turn my back on her for fulfilling her dreams,

I knew the news game was over for me.

No. You were put on this Earth by God Almighty

to be a news man.

How dare you think about depriving the people of that?

The Ron Burgundy I used to love to watch on TV,

he wouldn't take this lying down.

What do you say, Ron?

I'll take the job.

And I swear to you I'll be number one again.

I'll get my son back, I'll restore my reputation

and make things right with Veronica.

But more importantly,

I'll do what God put me on this Earth to do.

Be famous.

Ron... You've made my day.

I won't be using these jerk offs, though.

I've got the best damn news team in the world.

- Your call. - I just have to find them.

San Diago. Looks like we begin our search right here at home.

Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired

for being drunk on the air and saying that Asians

can't play baseball 'cause they're always squinting.

- Who loves chicken? You do! - We do!

Delicious chicken swing on through

Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!

I'm local San Diego legend Champ Kind,

and I believe in two things:

Good chicken, and that if Jesus had a sidearm

he wouldn't have been crucified.

So swing on by and grab a wing.

'Cause when you do, you'll say, "Whammy!"

BYOL. Bring your own liquor.

All right, there you go.

One Whammy Special, with Whammy Slaw.

There's a used Band-Aid in my coleslaw.

My gosh, let me take care of that.

Get out of here before

I smash your head in, you Commie bastard!

If you're from the census, you take me off your list!

You never did have much of a bedside manner, Champ.

Ron? Ron Burgundy?

- Get over here! - How are you, friend?

God, I have longed for you.

- It's good to see you, too. - Oh, this feels like home.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.

Okay, let's break the huddle here, huh?

Okay. All right.

You get back here!

Don't be weird!

So, Harken sits me down to have a man to man.

I really don't remember much of it.

I was told later, I guess I took a swing at him.

I had a knife in my pocket, he got stabbed pretty deep.

I set a fire somewhere.

There was something dripping on me,

now I got this nasty head wound.

Turned out, I guess, I got in a fight with some of the crew.

Okay.

Anyway, I was pretty insistent I got on the air,

but as you can understand, Ed had to let me go.

His hands were tied in that situation.

Fortunately, on the way out the door,

I fake a work injury.

With the settlement, I bought this place.

Well, I'm glad to see you landed on your feet, Champ.

Listen, can I ask you a question?

Sure. Anything.

Is... Is this chicken?

Oh, hell, no.

It's really impossible to turn a profit

if you serve real chicken.

- Yeah. We use mainly bats. - What?

Yeah. But the good quality kind.

That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard.

Yeah? You got to do what you got to do, right?

So what you got to do is serve fried bats?

Yep.

Can I ask you, is there a recipe for the seasoning?

The seasoning's the great secret, we use road salt

and ashes from a crematorium.

- Champ. - It's crazy good.

It's crazy wrong.

If you don't like that, you don't even want to know

what the French fries are made out of.

You're sure as hell right.

- I'm going to tell you anyway. - Please don't.

Worms, grubs and camel feces as a binding agent.

This is a horror show.

Why don't you have a bite and stop judging it.

I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.

- It's delicious. - It's all tendon. Look at it.

Was that a bat?

One gets loose about once a week.

Hey, what brings you here, Ron?

My friend, we've got a job. In New York City.

Whammy!

That's the best news I've heard since I found out

you can get high off insect repellent.

You've got yourself a sportscaster.

Oh, great.

Denny!

Lock up!

Any idea where Brian Fantana is?

You haven't heard?

Fantana hit the big time.

Oh, yeah, you're a dirty little thing, aren't you?

Yeah, that's it. Just play around.

Roll around like you're on the bed.

Hey, I'm not here. No one's here. You're alone.

Do what you do when you're alone.

What's going on? What is this?

What are these balls in my face? That's it.

What are these giant balls in my face?

Yeah, play with them. Swat them around.

That's it. I'm not here. None of us are here.

Do your thing. That's it.

You're not getting any better than that.

- That's brilliant! - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Brian, you have any time for the little people?

- Hey, Brian. - Champ! How you doing?

Hey!

- Wow. This is a... - Cool it!

No, but what I have found is that, you know, you give a oat

a lot of Amaretto, strangely enough,

and they'll sit still for quite a while.

Oh, hey, look at this one, this one's great.

The experience of shooting that one was transcendent.

So much so that I can confidently

look into the eyes of any woman and say,

"You know what, I know what childbirth is like."

And I bet you a woman would like to hear that.

Look at that little guy in the fish bowl.

I gotta say, it's really great and, of course,

it's just so funny.

Yeah. Sad ending to this one though.

Poor little guy snapped his neck

when I was trying to get him out of the fish bowl.

Stupid. I used tongs. Salad tongs.

I don't know why I didn't just use my hand.

Seems like you could've just tipped the jar on its side

and let him crawl out on his own leisure.

Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.

You know they call cats

chicken of the freeway underpass.

- What? - Don't indulge him.

I never heard that.

Not a lot of bones in cats.

You could probably just get right at it.

You need to stop, my friend.

We don't eat cats around these parts, Champ.

That's a blast.

And this one's coming out today. Cat Fancy magazine.

But not just the magazine. In church rec rooms,

school binders, everywhere.

It's the biggest launch we've ever had.

So why are you guys here, anyway?

Well, Brian,

we're getting the news team back together again.

Really?

And, of course, we want to know if you'll join us.

Jeez, I don't know.

I kind of got the world by the tail here. I...

I don't know if I can.

I get it. Christ.

You're the Akira Kurosawa of cat photographers.

Why would you leave all this?

Brian! Brian!

The cover's out!

Oh, okay.

This is not good.

It's a typo.

I have to point out that technically speaking

a pussy is a cat.

- I know. - That's true.

But I never spend $100 on a lobster dinner

for a kitty cat.

Oh, no! We're all going to die!

Thanks, Champ.

I'm not used to driving these multi-axle vehicles.

The question still remains...

Where's Brick Tamland?

You guys didn't hear?

No, what happened?

Brick's...

Dead.

Brick was lost at sea about a year ago.

Thought he saw a bird and he swam out to pet it.

He never came back.

We all loved Brick.

Sweet Brick.

One time he introduced me to his parents

who were clearly younger than him.

Skip and Donna Tamland.

- They were teenagers. - And they were Asian.

Yes, they were.

He'll long be remembered and he'll be sorely missed.

Thank you, Reverend.

Oh, come on!

Really?

Brick loved to put his feet into pita bread

because they're like socks except you can eat them.

What?

It is hard for me to believe that he is gone.

I feel that I just saw him yesterday.

You were probably talking to yourself in a mirror.

Why? Why?

Why did you take him from us?

You're clearly standing in front of us, Brick.

Brick is dead!

- No, Brick's alive. - Brick is dead!

- Look at him! - He's not dead.

He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.

- You're Brick! - Brick, it's you!

He's dead!

No! You are Brick! Touch yourself.

- I am Brick? - Yes!

- I'm alive? - Yes!

Of course.

Of course you are.

You kind of want to slug him. You want to slug him.

I went to pet the bird but it was fast.

So I kept swimming.

After a week I landed in an island called Aloha.

Moses on a Vespa.

He swam all the way to Hawaii.

I married a lady

and people paid me to catch bad guys

who didn't go to court.

You were a bounty hunter in Hawaii for the past year?

Yes. I was a bangy hunger in Y past gear...

You've got a Hawaiian wife?

Yes, her name's Lanai. We have six kids.

Six kids, you were only gone a year?

I'm a bangy hunger.

You can be a diaper salesman in Duluth for all I care.

It's just great to get the news team back together again.

Hot damn.

Do you remember our Easter trip to San Francisco?

And we took that helicopter tour

and Brick said, "I wish I could fly."

And we said, "Why don't you try?" Boom.

I couldn't fly!

He was flapping his arms the whole way down.

I ruptured my pancreas.

Remember the time I took Champ's mom to the hospital

and then we hit it off and I gave her gonorrhea?

Champ's mom got the clap.

- Oh, my God. - She was pissed.

Fantana's a dirty dog.

I'll tell you something, she was 78

but she didn't look a day over 74.

Get rid of the walker and the eye patch,

I'll tell you, she ain't bad looking.

Good to go.

Best part of it all, she actually fell in love with Brian.

- How is she doing? - She died yesterday.

Oh, that stinks. Tell her I said "hi."

Well, I can't because she's dead now.

- Oh, "dead" dead. - Dead.

She passed away.

Gonorrhea?

You don't die from gonorrhea.

You suffer quite a bit.

Here's the real kicker,

and you guys are going to lose it.

Do you know what her last words were?

"Tell Brian I always loved him."

Well, tell her I said hi.

No, I can't. She's not alive.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about the time when I was born

and I came out of the vagina?

And I was screaming,

"Here I come. Here I come, Mom."

How could we, Brick, we weren't there.

We're telling stories involving

the entire news team from the past.

Oh, what about the time when we were in the Binewago

and Ron told me that I wasn't telling the story right?

There you go. That's pretty good.

- That was about all of us. - Not really.

Man, this just feels right! The news team is back!

Ron,

Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!

He's naked.

Hey, Ron, who's driving?

Oh, it's okay, it's on cruise control.

Who wants some chimichangas, huh?

Best thing I ever did was install

this deep fryer in the 'bago.

Hey, Ron. Cruise control just regulates speed,

it doesn't steer.

Come again?

Is that a pool of blood or urine I'm in?

These are the guys you hired?

Hey, Freddie! Pardon the appearance.

Quick tip: never put a deep fryer in your Winnebago.

No, no, Brick. No. There we go.

Here we are. Welcome to GNN.

I don't know, Ron. You sure about this place?

Guys, I know it's a bit of a mess, but trust me,

everything will be ready for the launch tomorrow.

We've culled the whole country for the best newsmen.

There's Curtis Knightfish from Houston.

Oh, Curtis Knightfish.

They don't get any better than that.

One night Knightfish and I got so drunk

we drank the fluid from six Magic 8 Balls.

Never got the answer.

You had to go to the hospital for that, right?

Oh, yeah, I lost a kidney.

There's Diane Yahwea from Carson City.

You know what they call her? "All the Way Yahwea."

Yeah! She won a Pulitzer.

And the best in the biz. Jack Lime, out of Chicago.

Rumor is Allenby is giving him one mil a year.

That's crazy. Who's worth that kind of money?

Oh, my God! He's absolutely magnificent!

I betcha that brother bags a lot of p.

- I'd like to pee on him. - Yeah.

Wait. What?

I bet the inside of his mouth is even beautiful.

Can I help you, guy?

What was that?

I said, "Can I help you, guy?"

What do you mean?

Well, you're staring at me, hotshot.

Do you want my autograph?

No, he was just explaining

who you were and I was looking at you.

And then he said something

and I was still looking at you.

Jack Lime is a great man!

Is that what I sound like when I talk?

I guess that's funny. I mean...

- That is you. - I sometimes sound like that, I guess.

Hey, Slugger!

What's feeding time for that mustache of yours?

Brick, what are you doing laughing over there?

- Get back over here. - Get over here.

Come on, Brick.

So, anyways, that's Jack Lime.

Come on, guys. Let's go meet the boss.

We'll have separate cameras

for you, and then sports and then weather.

Let me ask you this, Freddie, how's the new head honcho?

Well, Linda Jackson has a shelf full of Emmys.

She's tough as nails. And Linda loves to win.

Oh, hey, Linda!

I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.

Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?

Ron.

This is Linda Jackson.

Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

Black.

Black.

Black.

You're choking on something.

I'm terribly sorry.

I don't know why I can't stop saying...

Black. The word "black."

Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

Black.

Black.

- Black. - Black.

Stop saying "black."

If I keep my mouth open, I just won't say it.

Donna, can you please get me a cup of coffee?

- Right away, Ms. Jackson. - Thank you.

Hey, Donna. Make the coffee black.

- Please be seated. Everyone. - Sure.

Please be seated.

Can you take a seat on the sofa?

Come on, guys, it's not preschool.

Sit on the furniture.

They were trying to be deferential, I think.

Great. So I know that all of you are aware

that the news community is laughing

at what we're trying to do here at 24-hour news.

But that is why they brought me in.

Listen, I feel like I need to clear the air.

Oh, please don't.

I want you to know, on behalf of the news team,

we are huge supporters of all

African and Americans.

I like lions. But not to touch.

I remember the first African and American I ever saw.

It's African-American.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Absolutely 100% positive? It isn't like...

Ron...

- Fish and chips? - African 'n' American?

Like an "n" with an apostrophe?

Please just stop it.

Linda, guess what movie I watch every Christmas?

Little Darlings with Kristy McNichol?

Six Pack starring Kenny Rogers?

A modern classic.

Carrot.

Carrot? I'm not familiar with that film.

It's really, really good.

I put on my comfy slippers and pour myself a cup of nog

and watch The Wiz.

Judy Garland who? The Wiz makes the real Wizard of Oz

its bitch.

Hey, we're all the same color on the inside. Pink.

With a little bit of brown and a little bit of white.

Milky yellow.

Look, I don't care what color you are,

black, green, yellow, brown...

Just as long as you act white.

Jesus, this is the worst meeting I've ever been in.

A black man follows me everywhere when it's sunny.

Actually, I think that's your shadow, Brick.

I call him Leon.

He's about half as tall as I am

depending on what time of day it is.

He likes to play the timpani

and he is a water-colorist.

What happens to him when it gets cloudy outside?

Leon goes away.

It's your shadow. He's talking about his shadow.

Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!

What's he doing?

I think you scared him. You can't shout at Brick.

Is he all right?

Do you have a red umbrella or a kitten?

No.

Something soft and squishy?

No.

Brick, get up, we're going to watch Carrot.

Yeah, Brick, do you want to watch Carrot?

Carrot's on?

That's all it takes.

- Is this for real, Freddie? - Linda, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay! It's okay.

So you have a black boss, and it's freaking you out.

Is it freaking you out?

Oh, my gosh, yes.-

Yes, we're feeling uncomfortable.

This freaking you out?

Just take my wallet.

I don't give a shit!

We're not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

So as long as you guys get numbers,

we are gonna get along just fine.

Now, if you don't, I am gonna be icy.

And unpleasant, you dig?

I dig.

What does that mean?

Could be a dance.

We dig. We're no jive turkeys.

Yup, we dig it.

Well, if you gentlemen will please excuse yourselves,

I'm going to fry me some hush puppies

and do me a little dance

and go hang out with my boyfriend,

the basketball player who has a humongous donkey.

We hope you two have a wonderful time.

That was a joke.

Of course it was!

I knew it. I knew she was joking.

Get out.

What team do you think the fella plays for?

No, no, she was kidding. She made it clear.

That's why I made jokes about us.

Guys. Guys, I got you an apartment

on the Upper East Side and a whole new wardrobe.

That's wonderful! When do we begin our broadcast?

Well, the big launch is tomorrow

- at 12:00 noon. - Okay.

You guys are slotted for the 2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.

What? That's the graveyard shift!

"I ain't afraid of no ghost."

This is a real shocker, Freddie.

Hey, after that meeting,

you're lucky you weren't fired!

You wouldn't stop saying the word black.

I'm of the right mind to march right back in there and ask

for a different time slot.

- That's a good idea. - Okay, okay.

I'll let you go in if you can just not say black.

- Black. Nope. - See.

- She did it too. - She did what?

A two-way street.

Yeah, double-edged sword here.

It's a two-way double-edged sword.

It's only one way.

- That clears it up. - Great.

Let's get your keys. Come on!

Is there booze in the apartment?

Of course there's gonna be booze.

What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!

Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.

Your job is to answer the phones.

I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.

When is that again?

It's at Christmastime. When else would it be?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks.

One time I threw a pool ball as hard as I could,

straight up into the air, and then forgot I threw it.

I started to eat a tomato from my back pocket,

then the pool ball came down and hit me in the head.

It hurt so much I ran around screaming,

"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!"

I love stories about France.

I love stories where skeletons play the piano.

I'm Brick. I was dead last week.

I'm Chani.

I like the parts of your face

that are covered with skin.

Your hair looks like wet popcorn in a fishing net.

I just get out of the shower and burn it a little.

Can you do this?

That's good.

- I liked this. - Me too.

- What we did. - Yeah?

- You. - And you.

You're very pretty.

Come on, Brick.

Damn it, Chani! I'm not picking up that phone again.

You pick it up!

- You pick it up, Chani! - No.

Chani, not today. No, not today, Chani.

- It's been a tough day. - ...really crazy day.

For everybody.

- I think I'm pregnant. - No. You're not pregnant.

You said it a number of times. I don't think it's true.

- My water broke. - No, it didn't.

You spilled water from that glass on the ground.

Chani.

Okay, from here on out, starting now,

when the phone rings, you pick up the phone. You say hello.

Hello. I'm going to transfer you.

It didn't ring that time, Chani. Nobody was there.

Nobody was there.

Surprise! Big Daddy's back.

Ron.

What are you doing here?

I'm over at GNN. I'm living in the city again.

I really wish that you would have called first.

Look, it doesn't matter whose fault the break-up was, okay?

I was stubborn.

You were all slutty with Mack Tannen

slinging your ass around in that office.

I played it with calm, cool integrity.

But who cares? We're not keeping score.

What's your point, Ron?

The point is...

I'm back home.

And I want to spend the rest of my life...

Honey, who is it?

Hi, Ron. I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.

It's okay. It's the '80s.

She's your ex. She's my lover.

Let's go inside.

Why are you smiling so much?

Because I'm happy. Because we're lovers.

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

No one's that happy.

- Would you like to come in? - Do you want to come in?

Great. And I have no problem with your situation.

So, is that a gift for me, Ron?

No, it's not.

It's for Walter.

Okay.

So when were you going to tell me about Gary?

Ron. You walked out on me. What did you expect me to do?

Just sit here and wait for you to come back?

Here's a news flash. You would have been waiting for

the rest of your life because we are done.

All right. Good.

In fact, I've a got a new lover.

Oh, what's her name?

My lady?

Her name is... Her name's Rick Volcano.

Really? Her name's Rick Volcano?

Yes, she's from Easter Island!

Okay.

Ron, this is awkward I know.

Sitting here with your wife. We make love.

I'm this close to taking an ax handle to that face of yours.

Oh, Ron!

So what does this Gary do for a living, huh?

Have you done a background check on him?

Gary is actually one of the most successful

psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.

Really sweet.

Are you reading my mind right now?

Ron, do you even know what a psychologist is?

Yes. Yes, I do, Gary.

You perform in nightclubs with a dummy on your lap.

You make his mouth move. You're so believable.

Actually I have respect for your talent.

I don't know how you do it

because you're talking out of the side of your mouth

and yet it sounds like the dummy's...

You bring that dummy to life.

Do you really think that a psychologist

is a ventriloquist?

Fuck you.

Ron!

- It's okay. - You stop that!

He's externalizing. That's okay.

- No, it's not okay. - He's mad.

You knew I was going to throw that punch

'cause you're reading my mind!

Mom! I'm home!

- Hey, little guy. - Hey, darling.

- Hi, Walter. - Hey, Dad.

I missed you!

Walter, your father has a gift for you.

I have a gift specifically for you, Walter.

There's a little card on there.

Do you want to read it, kiddo?

Yes. Show us how well you're doing in school.

"To my dearest sex angel."

Okay, I actually believe that that's for me.

Hold on. Let the boy finish.

- Ron. - There's more.

"I long once again to be intertwined in your limbs.

"Exchanging hot breath with you.

"I want to have another child with you."

Mom, I didn't know little boys could have babies.

No, darling. I believe that letter was for someone else.

Go ahead, open up your gift.

There you go.

Yes, Gary.

Okay, that's actually for me, Walter.

No, it's not. It's for Walter. It's a superhero costume.

What is it?

It's "Lace Man." It's a brand new superhero.

I'm going to be Lace Man!

Look, Ron. Joint custody isn't easy.

But what we need to do is

rally around this little guy right now, okay?

That's never gonna happen.

Excuse me?

Because you, Veronica, are unfit to be a mother!

Need I remind you, Ron,

that you tried to put our six-year-old son on welfare?

He's a perfect applicant!

He's unemployed. If it wasn't for us he'd be homeless.

Do you ever hear yourself?

All right, let's keep it civil in front of the boy.

It's bad enough his mother pulled a train on KISS.

- I was in college! - Get your things! Let's go.

Fine. I'm out of here.

- Don't have to tell me twice. - Get your things.

- We'll see you guys later. - Yes, you will.

Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.

Goodbye, Walter. My little man.

You promise to do good in school, okay.

Okay.

And stay away from the he-shes down in the Bowery.

Ron. I don't think that's appropriate.

I'll tell you, those fellas, they got the looks,

they got curves, they got the chi-chi's,

they smell great,

and then at some point in the evening you realize

Jacqueline isn't Jacqueline, she's a Jake.

Okay.

Then you got a decision.

You're either going to be rude or belly up to the bar

for a couple of more belts and make the best of it.

Do you hear what I'm saying, Walter?

Yes, I do.

Plug it in, Scotty, let it go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are officially connected to the world!

Wow!

Look at all those other countries and people...

Makes you feel small.

Hundreds of thousands of people,

all speaking jibber-jabber,

not understanding a word of each other,

yet somehow interconnected.

It's a big world!

It's a big world

Much, much bigger than you'd ever think

It's a big world

Full of cities, mountains and lots of different stinks

There's brown people White people

- Yellows - Even reds!

A thousand ways for the word donut to be said

- There's tacos, sushi - Chop suey, pita bread

Big world Big world

Anyone who says it's small should be kicked in the head!

There's karate people!

Big world!

Scarfy headed ladies

Big world

Ladies having private time

Big world

A skinny guy!

Big world

Wait a minute. You're not black or Asian.

What are you?

I'm gay.

Hey! You forgot to whisper.

I'm not hiding it. I'm openly gay.

"Openly gay"? I'm not familiar with that term.

I'm not ashamed of who I am and

I decided to tell everyone.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

Do you eat gay food?

What's the gayest food you can name?

Kiwis.

- Do you sleep in a coffin? - No, that's vampires.

Are you allowed to be out in the sun?

- Those are also vampires. - Are you a vampire?

No, I'm gay.-

If someone puts a pill in your drink, can they turn you gay?

Maybe temporarily.

Where do you get those pills?

I wonder what it'd be like to be gay... Just for a day?

If I was gay for a day

There's nothing I wouldn't say

That's the gay way

If I was gay for a day I'd go all the way

With GUYS

That's the gay way

I 'd wear a cowboy hat A nice three-piece suit

I'd talk about sports and have a nice drink

Champ. That's kind of what you do now.

That's the gay way

If I was gay for a day I'd get bitten by a spider

And then I would have the powers of that spider

I'd climb walls I'd shoot web from my wrists

And I'd save the girl in distress

Gay! Gay! Gay!

I think he thinks gay means being Spider-Man.

I don't know how you would confuse those two things.

It's a big world Big world

Much bigger than you think

Big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big

Big, big-...

World

Launch in five! Let's get back to work.

- Better go check the AP wire. - Yeah. Haven't got much time.

I'm gonna check the box scores.

There's Lime!

Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!

Man, there's just something about him, you know?

I'd give anything to be friends with him.

I don't see what the big deal is, you know.

He's not that great.

What did you say?

What's that?

I heard you say something.

Oh, what did I say? Oh, nothing.

Oh, no. I heard you say something.

He said you're not that great!

Brick!

Is that what you said about me?

- He's coming over here. - I know!

I'm gonna rip this guy in half.

No, no, no! Just give me a little piece of him.

Jack, look, it's just...

Here's the thing, the guys, they just go gaga over you

and I don't know, I felt jealous.

Yeah, tough guy.

You feeling tough today, huh? Are you a big man?

Oh, I'm not a big man.

Look, I said some stupid stuff and it'll never happen again.

Oh, my God, are you going to cry?

You're going to cry.

He's going to cry. Everyone, look at his face! Am I wrong?

He's going to cry, isn't he?

No, I'm not about to cry.

Oh, come on, cry! Do it! Do it, please do it! Cry.

- Are you going to cry, Ron? - No!

Cry! Cry! Cry!

Man, oh, man, I'm so happy he's not picking on me.

3, 2, 1,cry! 3, 2, 1,cry!

Shut up! Just shut up!

Just shut your mouth... Jack Lame!

Yeah, Mr. Butt Vagina has got some fight in him.

This is bullying and everyone knows it!

You just called him Jack Lame. That's not nice.

He just called me Butt Vagina!

It's funny, aren't you the guy who lost his job to his wife?

Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?

All right, guys, that's enough.

No, shut up, Freddie!

Let me handle this one.

- You listen to me. - Yeah.

I bet you that we beat your ratings tonight.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep it together.

No, no, no. Don't do this. You're on at 2:00 a.m.

Jack has prime time!

Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.

I'll take that bet. What are the stakes?

If we lose, I'll leave New York.

And I'll never read the news again.

Stop going "Ooh."

And if by some snowball's chance in hell

Mr. Mustache here

pulls a miracle out of his ass?

You change your name to Jack Lame! Legally.

I like this! You're on, Stretch.

Everyone heard him?

- Freddie, you heard him? - Yeah. I heard him.

- This is on like Pong. - Okay. Good.

Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron?

We've got the graveyard shift! We don't have a chance!

- Cry! Cry! Cry! Cry! - Brick.

Everyone did it. It's actually a mean thing.

Good day, everyone! Well, yeah, I'm Kench Allenby.

But this 24-hour news station, this is history.

This is like Columbus discovering the New World.

In the case of Australia, my motherland,

mad rapists and thieves

being dragged to some devil island in chains.

Getting homesick.

But our captain on this incredible voyage

is the best newsman in America, Mr. Jack Lime!

Go get 'em, Jack!

- Didgeridoo! - He's such an Aussie.

I love this guy.

You know this bloke here, he is the best man I've ever met.

And you know, as I've always said,

if Jack Lime doesn't like you, well then, brother,

you're a real piece of shit.

Good luck to Jack Lime!

Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!

Thank you. And good luck to Ron Burgundy, too.

Getting nervous there, compadre?

Let's do this.

Did you see him spin on that desk? So great.

All right. Quiet on the floor, please.

What a day.

I bit into the donut and it was full of shit.

All right.

All right. We're up. Here we go, here we go.

In five, four,

three, two...

Good day, and welcome to GNN.

Thank you for joining us on what we believe to be

a whole new era of news.

I'm Jack Lime, your guide for this journey of events

we humbly call

24-hour news.

Today's top story, Mount St. Helene.

Oh, this is just a gimmick. It's a flash in the pan.

Really? Just remember you said that about margarine, Tony.

Residents are being asked to evacuate the area...

That Jack Lime is one hell of an anchor.

He actually slept with two of my daughters but he is good.

Let's see here.

"Global temperatures rise half a degree,

"alarm climate scientists." Boring.

"China could dominate

"the world economy in the next decade."

We run that story and you'll be hungry a half hour later.

Anyone else?

I got some nonsense here about the Iran Hostage Crisis.

I feel like a nap.

What's this? Save 12 cents on macaroni and cheddar dinner.

Brick, I believe that's a coupon.

I think I've got a really good story here, guys.

"During my mid-morning bath

"I could feel the gardener's gaze upon me

"through the open bathroom window."

But that's Penthouse Forum.

You just interrupted him!

It's a really good story, Freddie.

It's not news.

It's news to me.

Okay, so obviously this is a waste of time. I'm done.

All we're trying to do here, Freddie, is make the news less boring,

and you act like we took a runny dump

in your fishing boots.

The news is supposed to be boring, Ron!

This is serious stuff.

You're the one that made this stupid bet!

I just don't know why we have to tell the people

what they need to hear.

Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear?

Wait, wait, wait.

Say that again.

Tell them want ear. Feed to ear.

No, I was talking to Ron.

I said, why do we have to tell the people

what they need to hear?

Why can't we just tell them what they want to hear?

And what do they want to hear, Ron?

That we live in the greatest country God ever created.

- Damn straight! - Made him happy.

And we should do stories on patriots.

Diet fads or favorite Halloween costumes.

Why blondes have more fun.

And serious investigative pieces,

about how much ejaculate is on hotel duvets.

And only the best sports highlights.

Home runs, slam dunks, touchdowns and no soccer.

I like the Wind!

Brick's right. People love hurricanes.

Tornados, earthquakes, floods,

we'll throw Brick right in the middle of it.

No, this goes against every rule

of broadcast journalism I know.

Freddie, my old friend Pat Summerall once told me,

"You've got to break a few eggs

"when you're swinging a sledge hammer

"down at the bus station."

Damn straight! Let's break stuff!

We got 10 hours till we go on.

We'll only need eight!

- Is that candy? - I don't know.

It is candy.

- I like you. - I like you.

Tell me something about you.

Well, I never have to get a haircut

because my hair naturally sheds.

I can throw a football 110 yards in the air

and catch it.

When I expel gas it wiffles or waffles,

I call it a farg.

What about you?

My name is Chani Lastnamé.

I'm an old-fashioned girl, I believe in romance.

I am related to a puppet.

If you wanted me to, I would grow a beard by tomorrow.

Chani, I just got these phone messages from last week.

You mailed them to me?

How else was I gonna get them to you?

You hand them to me.

You are the dumbest person I've met in my entire life,

and that is not an exaggeration.

That makes me feel bad.

Well, Chani, I'm telling the truth.

Sir.

Get your filthy hands off of her!

Help, help!

My phone messages!

- Leave me alone, lady! - Not today!

She has rainbow lasers coming out of her eyes.

Chani, I can see you behind that desk and you're fired!

Why?

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

She was trying to murder me.

Sometimes it takes one man to stand up and reclaim the city

and, in doing so, the streets are red with blood.

When you're around I get hot swirls in my pantyhose.

And my dangle-down presses against my zipper.

Can we go to a date?

Yes.

It's okay, Ronny, you got this. Piece of cake.

The only thing is everything's at stake here.

Your career, your child, literally everything.

You got it though.

Oh, did you hear?

Evan said there's some strange copy in the prompter.

If I gave a shit I'd call someone. But I don't...

So let's go.

Ron Burgundy and his news team

had made a few groundbreaking discoveries through the years.

They had invented the bread bowl

and laminated porn mags.

But the new brand of news, or info-tainment,

they were about to unleash,

would forever change history.

Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m. Eastern time.

I'm Ron Burgundy, and tonight's top story is

America. She's the greatest country in the world.

Heck, the history of the world!

God bless America!

For starters, we kick butt.

Nazi butt. Russian butt. You show us a butt

and we take the boot to it.

If you like to whine and bitch about all the things

wrong with America,

go swim your ass across the Atlantic Ocean to China!

That is one handsome devil.

Indeed.

Some experts say silicone breast implants are dangerous,

unhealthy and degrading to women,

I say, in my most journalistic way I can,

bring on the fun bags.

Now, Brian, I read somewhere

that the early prototypes of the breast implant

were actually filled with taco meat.

Well, I don't know, I don't know the specifics

but I do know they are still testing

with all sorts of material.

Pudding, whipped cream...

Tuna fish.

Nickels.

Okay, if you wanted a heavier breast.

I like the news!

Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy!

Back to you, Ron.

Brick? Brick, can you hear me?

I can't hear you, Ron!

Okay, but you're answering the question,

so I think you can hear me.

No, I can!

Brick, do you think there is any danger

to the average person out there?

I'm afraid that this wind is so strong

that babies are going to be

ripped out of their mother's arms

and be into the lion cages.

Sounds horrifying! Well, there you have it.

Mother Nature can be a stone cold killer!

What the hell was that?

Freddie loaded it. I just hit it on cue.

It's kinda cool.

And for our eighth and final animal story of the night,

it looks like residents of North Yulk, Montana,

have found the cutest little patriot

on God's green earth.

Look at that little guy!

So funny and so adorable.

For all of us here at GNN, I'm Ron Burgundy.

Stay classy and stay strong, America.

And we're out!

Wow!

I couldn't take my eyes

- off the screen! - Yes.

You were electric, Ron! Whammy!

That just felt right! That felt right!

I was outside!

You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.

Everyone did. Wonderful.

Amazing. Great job.

What the hell was that? What the hell was that?

Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.

We were just trying something new.

You changed the format of the entire show

without consulting me? That's unacceptable!

Damn straight, sister.

We just done went and brought it!

Get out! You are all terminated immediately.

If you were a man, I'd knock you out.

Oh, really? Well, go ahead!

Take a swing! Take your best shot!

I have five brothers,

and two of them are defensive backs in NFL, so come on!

- You want me to do it? - Yeah.

This thing's not gonna feel good.

I'm going to make that mustache of yours all bloody!

Ron, just do what men have been doing

for thousands of years

and punch the woman.

Here comes the Toledo Express. All aboard!

Ron! No!

I didn't do it! Get off me!

Mama, your baby's hurt.

Your baby.

What is that sound you're making? Good Lord!

You sound like a balloon.

Pull yourself together, man.

My binky. I need my binky

Get him his goddamn binky!!

Security!

Hey! Get him out of here!

And you know what, you too, Freddie!

I thought you were more professional than this.

Is this because I'm white?

It's not because you're white, it's because you suck!

I know exactly what apartheid feels like!

Bugger me with a didgeridoo.

We knew we'd struggle to start,

but these ratings are lower than I'd even imagined.

Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

It really saved our whole launch.

Spike? What are you talking about?

What spike?

Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?

No, no, no, this can't be right.

His team start at a 0.2, and then they finish at a 5.6?

That's unbelievable! They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

How is that even possible?

Well, guys, it goes without saying,

I owe you gentlemen an apology.

I dragged you out here and this thing

was a disaster from the word "Go."

No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.

Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

Gin.

Champ, my friend, what's in store for you?

Well, my doctor's been at me to get another liver transplant.

Champ, how many liver transplants

does that make now?

This will be the fourth one.

Champ deep fried the other three and sewed them at his restaurant.

You know I did.

And what about you, Brick?

What's next for the great Brick Tamland?

I am going to win the Olympics.

Well, I highly doubt you're going to compete in the Olympics.

If you were though, what sport?

The kicking.

The Olympic sport of kicking?

Maybe that's brand new.

What about you, Ron? What do you think you're going to do?

I've got some exciting investment opportunities

I'm going to look into.

It's funny, I got a call the other day from some clowns

who are trying to start up a business

where they take water and put it in little plastic bottles,

regular water, okay, nothing special about it.

They put it in plastic bottles

and they're going to sell it for a dollar.

A dollar a bottle.

If you get a call from Fred and Gina Sparkletts,

run for the hills.

Guys?

Hey.

I got some news.

Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear

- the word "news" right now. - Yeah.

You're right. Forget it. Forget I was even here.

Forget that GNN wants you back.

For a prime time slot and a raise in pay.

What's your deal, Freddie? Quit yanking our crotch hoses.

No. I'm not yanking your...

Your ratings went through the roof.

People love what you did.

You're a success!

Get it? You're a great, big, fat success!

By the back acne of Brett Somers!

It's total crap

and they can't stop watching!

The news team had been famous in San Diego,

but that was small time compared to New York.

And they were about to have a sloppy, drunken ride

down the gin-slickered waterslide that is fame.

That'll do it for all of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events, thank me for the news.

I'm Jack...

Lame.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

More graphics, okay?

Brick loves the colors.

But there's already a lot.

Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.

Yeah, don't sass me, beardo!

Finish and ask a question here, for God's sake!

Can Father Ron please shut his mouth for just half a second?

There's something new on the New York social scene.

It's fun, relatively benign and costs about as much

as a soda pop at the local drugstore.

Here's Brian Fantana on why everyone who is someone

is lining up to smoke crack.

Now, Brian, I understand we have some crack

and we're going to smoke it right here in the studio.

I don't know if we can get a shot of that.

What is that? Did you know they were going to have that?

- No. - Get in here, Champ.

I'll tell you, I love cocaine

so if this is anything like that...

Oh, then you're going to love crack!

Now what are we doing here?

We're going to take some of these rocks...

Okay.

Now what you're going to do is you're going to

put your crack rock in the glass pipe.

I'll pack it in there. Brick, do you want any crack?

Sorry, I'm afraid of fire.

Now what am I doing here?

Stuff that rock in your pipe

and then you're going to want to point your pipe up

towards the heavens as if you're saying,

"Thank you, God, for giving me this crack."

Okay.

You feel that right away. Wow, that's good!

That's an immediate state of euphoria.

You'll be surprised, the effect, it happens very...

You just want more and more and more and more and more.

Brian, hey listen, my mom's got this diamond necklace

and I'll sell it to you if I can get some more.

They're actually enjoying it.

Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack.

What's that? Stop!

Oh, apparently the police are here.

The police are here? Really?

For Ron Burgundy and my whole crack news team...

I just made that up.

That was a good one, Ron. That's actually a very good one.

You should write that down. Is that written?

Well, we got it recorded now. That's great!

Well, now we know, guys, you can't smoke crack on live television.

Please come in and shut the door.

If this is about sweeps,

I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story.

It's about airplane parts

that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky

and hitting the ground, people.

We're calling it "Death From Above."

We might do some interviews with airline stewardesses,

in bikinis, to get their viewpoint.

You. Come here.

I've been watching you.

You have?

I've been watching you a lot.

And you just do whatever you want.

Well, I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess.

You don't follow the format.

You pretty much walk around like...

Like you're king of the world.

I'm just a worker bee. That's all I am.

- You know what? - What?

I find it hot as shit!

Are you going to hurt me?

Well, it depends. Is that what you like?

God, no. Who wants to be injured?

Have you ever heard the expression, "Hurts so good"?

Yes, I've always been baffled by it.

The idea of rolling an ankle

or banging your elbow on a coffee table

and deriving pleasure from it,

it's very perplexing to me.

Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.

You're a shooting star and I want to go for a ride.

God, I'm so afraid right now.

Come in.

Linda.

Excuse me, Linda.

Ron, Jack wants to know

if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime

instead of Jack Lame.

He's really struggling with it.

No. Can't. It's a bet.

Oh, Jesus!

If you want to change it, you can.

Like what?

Jack Off?

GNN's Jack Off.

Jack... No, that's worse. You know it's worse.

It sounds like jack off!

Art Areola.

Sounds ethnic. It almost sounds Italian.

Freddie, I can't... Listen to me, Burgundy.

This is far from over, do you hear me?

I'll see you on the playground.

This

meeting has been

very productive.

You can pick me up at 8:00.

Oh, my God, I think I just tore my undercarriage.

Oh, man. He's just like me but he's a cat!

That's a cat?

Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing some real high-quality

Garfield laughs over here!

I think our boss just raped me.

What?

I don't know what happened.

But Linda Jackson got very physical with me.

I knew it. She's probably in a gang.

I mean, there was just a ball of motion

and sweat and hair and noises.

Sounds like she wants you.

Hey, man. The ladies been all over me since we got crazy famous.

Not to brag or nothing,

but I just gave Sheena Easton crabs.

That is in no way a brag, Brian. That's horrible.

Hey, it's just doing something beautiful that two people do.

Except one of them has microscopic dust mites

all over his penis and testicles.

I'm just saying...

Don't you think that person should alert their partner?

Semantics.

Sounds to me like it's her fault

for being a randy gal.

I have a date!

- Brick has a date? - Good for Brick!

What's a date?

A date is simply when two people get together,

do something social, have a few drinks,

yadda-yadda-yadda...

Take their shirts off...

Then you get sticky.

- Oh, it's okay. - No, it's a fun thing.

It's fun. It's all right.

Look. Don't worry, Brick, we got your back, okay?

First things first, we need to get you a little protection.

There it is. Brian Fantana's glorious cabinet of condoms.

For you I'm thinking Teddy's Big Stick.

It's the only one that comes with the Presidential Seal of Approval.

This one will fit right into her oval orifice.

It's a great condom

for when you're charging up San Juan Hill,

AKA, a lady's puss.

Particularly good if you're a Rough Rider.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Clam Dam. - Clam Dam.

Clam dam.

Clam dam.

Clam dam.

Clam dam.

It's a non-lubricated condom, but it'll collect your pearls.

What about Cock Frock?

Cock Frock? It's a full body condom.

And you can paint in it.

Wait a minute.

Sleeve It to Beaver. It's a great condom.

Takes you back to a simpler time

when everything was in black and white.

It's particularly good if you're going in

for the Eddie Ass-kill.

My penis weighs 50 pounds.

No, it doesn't, Brick.

Thirty pounds.

Seventeen pounds.

No, your penis probably weighs four or five ounces.

Fifty pounds.

So you just went back to the original number.

Thank you, Ron, and happy St. Patrick's Day

to all of our Native American friends.

On the big map...

Where's my map?

There's no map, it's just green.

No, there's a map there.

- Look at the monitor. - Right.

Ron, where's my legs?

- Where are my legs? - Your legs are there.

I don't have any legs, Ron.

Your legs are fine.

The color of your pants

just matches the chroma key behind you.

See you're standing right now on your legs.

Brick, it looks like it's hot in Texas.

Ron, I'm a ghost.

Brick, do you want to do the weather?

- No. No, thanks. - No?

You want to come back to the weather?

- Nope. - Nope. Okay.

Ron, tell me what this looks like.

Okay, Brick, it's live television, my friend.

Why don't we go to commercial break...

It's 50 degrees in this state.

We don't have a commercial lined up.

I'm going to take out my real one.

No, no, no, no, no!

And after I received my Masters in Journalism from Columbia,

I got a job with the London bureau for ABC News.

Wow, London.

Arguably one of my favorite cities in the entire world.

I put it in my top 90,

right in between Omaha

and Jacksonville, Florida.

So, tell me, what are some of your favorite haunts?

Well, I love it all.

Big Ben. The Tower of London.

Naughty Hill. The Wailing Wall.

Grabbing a sherbet and walking along the Thames.

It's pronounced "Thames."

Piccadilly, the Beatles.

The Beatles aren't a place.

The Beatles' Building.

Where the Beatles spent a lot of their time as young men.

Where they learned how to be a Beatle.

Beatles' Building, right in downtown London.

Yeah, I was in London for two years

and I never heard of a Beatles' Building.

You got me. I've never been there.

I couldn't even find it on a map.

Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?

God, yes.

Did I scare you by coming on so strong?

A little bit, sure.

Look, it's not that you're not attractive,

it's just I'm a little old-fashioned.

Well, I am a modern woman.

And let me tell you,

when I see something that I want, I go for it.

We're going to do this, aren't we?

We most definitely are going to do this.

This is the nicest soda machine anyone's ever taken me to.

Can I ask you a personal question?

I'm not sure what that is, but yes.

Have you ever kissed anyone?

Do lunch boxes and sleeping people count?

Of course.

Then, yes. I have kissed Scooby Doo and Roy.

I tongue-kissed a lawn jockey.

I once pooped in the basement of the Lincoln Memorial.

The Lincoln Memorial has a bathroom?

No, but they have a basement.

I feel like if I knew how,

I would start to sing a love song right now.

I feel like I'm about to watch you start to sing.

I feel like I'm about to sing a love song to you

And I feel like I'm about to sing the same love song to you

I don't know how to do it but I think it starts like this

Do do do la do do

It continues like do do do doo

Because I love you so

And sometimes in a love song an eagle flies over and goes

Lots of animals are in love songs

You got the eagle, the bunny, the rabbit, the squirrel

And the bunny goes...

Bunny love in a love song

And we just sang our first love song

Together

I think I'm ready to maybe try that kiss thing now.

I'll be so careful not to bite a hole in your cheek.

Hello, Ms. Jackson.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to...

Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.

But then I heard about this little story

that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running.

You see, some of the planes from my airline

have had parts falling off them lately.

Is it a problem? Yeah.

Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably.

But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet.

We can't just pull the story. That would be unethical.

We own the news. We can do whatever we want.

That's one of the perks.

It's called "synergy." One company working with another.

Mr. Burgundy may well be

one of the most valuable media tools

that any corporation has ever had.

Everything he says becomes the truth.

So you treat him like the thoroughbred he is

and, my girl, you could have a very, very rewarding career.

And who knows, maybe you and I can be

riding thoroughbreds naked off the coast of Capri.

No.

Okay, you can have pants on. But we'll be topless.

Mr. Allenby, I'm not going to ride

on thoroughbred horses with you topless.

Fine, they can be A I Vs.

You can be in a bikini,

and I'll be wearing my Speedos, swim trunks,

the ol" budgie-smugglers.

Look, I would do this for my career

but I am not sleeping with you.

To synergy-

You seem a little quiet, I must say.

Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine with going to this family dinner.

They're going to love you.

This is delicious!

So...

How long have you and Linda been dating?

Mother.

No, it's all right. It's a logical question.

Ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly.

When we get together

we're like an Oreo cookie covered in sweat.

Isn't that right, my Nubian sex princess?

What are you talking about?

I've touched her booty.

I put my hands on that booty. I have done it.

Oh, now, we don't have conversations like that over dinner.

What are you doing?

I'm addressing the white elephant in the room.

I'm breaking down the barriers

of race by assimilation. That's all I'm doing.

Well, you're coming off like a jerk.

I think it's going well.

We actually don't watch you.

We find what you've done with the news offensive.

Well, I know how you're getting your news.

You're going down to the corner barber shop

and then Lumpy Jones comes in and says,

"I'd like a haircut today.

"Did you hear what they're doing?"

And then the barber says,

"Lumpy, I ain't talking to you until you pay your bill.

"You haven't paid this bill in two months."

Etcetera, etcetera. And they tell two friends,

and they tell two friends and it spreads that way.

What is your problem, man?

Hey, black don't crack, right?

That's what we can at least all agree on.

If you haven't noticed we don't converse like that.

Okay, okay.

Fair enough. Look at Big Papa down here.

He's thinking to himself,

"Shit, look at that white pasty cracker

"sittin' at my table, eatin' my food,

"in my house,

"touching my daughter."

I have. I have touched your daughter.

- Honey! - We have done things, Papa.

You ain't gonna like! You ain't gonna like it none!

Oh, my goodness!

I mean when it comes down to it,

I'm just a bad-ass pharaoh with a big dick and fat wallet.

Linda, I don't understand what you are doing with him.

Oh, you know what I'm coming at you with,

you big, black mother of Linda.

Mix it up in a pot! Making it spicy!

Oh, my Lord.

Hey, that's my momma, man.

Hey, can I get an "Amen"?

Can I get an "Amen"?

Seriously though, folks, can I get an "Amen"?

Please don't do this.

It's fine.

Can any of you crazy-ass motherfuckers pass me the...

This man is out of here.

- Get out of my house. - Oh, okay.

Get out of my house, Papa.

Get out of my house!

This is fun. Get out of my house, man.

He's telling you to leave.

Get out of my house!

I must not be saying it right.

Get out of my house, you big dummy!

Get out of my house!

I can't say it much louder.

Get out of my house! Get out!

Now I get it! You want me to leave the house!

I'm not your big papa!

Stop! Stop! Dad!

I don't think that dinner could have gone any better.

Are you nuts?

No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!

My dad was kicking you in the head!

I thought it was like being jumped into a gang.

Only with dinner guests!

What?

I hate to pin it on you, but you did invite me to dinner.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I just... I'm just under a lot of stress because...

Because Allenby, he doesn't want you to do

the story that you're doing for sweeps.

"Death From Above."

It's an excellent story. Wonderful expose.

Listen, Ron.

Have you ever heard of synergy?

So your mom thought we should get together,

spend a little time.

She doesn't think I connect with you as a child.

Can you believe that bullshit?

Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

Nope, don't care for him. Never have.

Don't like the mask,

the costume, the getup, the webs.

Spider-Man's a poser, son.

What's a poser?

A poser is Gary.

By the way, how is that shit-heel?

What's a shit-heel?

A shit-heel is a real fun term that you should call Gary

every time you see him.

When he wakes you up for breakfast say,

"Oh, good morning, shit-heel."

He'll probably give you five dollars or some candy.

You're a shit-heel, Dad.

You should just call Gary that

'cause it makes him really happy.

It makes me sort of happy but it makes him really happy.

Dad.

Sometimes I hear sounds at night and I get scared.

I think there's a ghost in my closet.

Now, you listen to me, son.

I'm a grown man, okay. I've done things.

I've been places.

I watched the fall of Saigon from my hotel room

in Bermuda.

So I have experience,

and I'm going to tell you this right now.

There is no such thing as ghosts. Case closed.

Thank you, Daddy.

There's no such thing as ghosts, tree werewolves,

angry store mannequins with dead eyes

who look at you like this.

I'm starting to get scared.

Why? I'm telling you things that aren't real.

So what's real that's scary?

You really want to know

the one thing you should be afraid of?

Yes, I really do.

- Voodoo. - Voodoo?

Yes, voodoo.

That shit will mess you up. And it is 100% real.

Promise me

that you'll never go to Haiti.

I promise, Dad.

This was good. I enjoyed spending time with you.

Me, too, Dad.

I love you?

What?

Are you trying to say you love me?

No. No.

What do you think I am, some kind of fruit?

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

Well, for one, he called Gary a shit-heel!

And he hasn't slept for four days!

He keeps talking about tree werewolves.

Ron, listen to me. He is seven years old.

You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way!

He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00,

and he wants you to be there.

I will be there. All right?

Now, who do you have for sweeps week?

I'm not discussing work with you, Ron, okay?

Just be there at the science fair tomorrow.

Fine!

Well, they're calling it the interview of the decade.

Veronica Corningstone will sit down with Yasser Arafat,

the head of the PLO and, some say,

the key to peace in the Middle East.

Of course, Ms. Corningstone is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,

so you know that's got to be a little stinger for Ronny.

Terry Bradshaw's nipple!

Thank you for watching GNN. I'm Jack Me-off!

We're going to get crushed in ratings. Just crushed.

I really thought we had a chance this time.

What about my "Death From Above" story?

You better ask Ron about that.

We're pulling that story, Brian.

What? Why? I worked hard on that story.

It was my call, all right, Brian?

Just let it go. It's synergy.

What does that mean?

Take it easy, Ron.

We got further than anybody thought we would. We'll get 'em next time.

You take it easy!

I'm not in this to finish second!

I think Champ is just saying that we...

I know what he was trying to say, Brian, okay?

And it doesn't surprise me that you guys don't care.

I mean, let's face it. You'd be nowhere without me.

I'm the one who got invited to the set of Urban Cowboy.

Not you guys!

I'm the one with the hot black girlfriend.

I'm the one who gets his Caesar salad made table-side!

- That is nice. - Oh, salad.

I'm starting to wonder what you clowns actually do.

Chani likes clowns. Except for the scary ones.

Shut up, Brick!

Just shut up for once!

Ron yelled at me.

You're damn right I yelled at you!

When you talk nonsense for 15 years,

someone's going to get just a little bit tired of it!

You don't yell at Brick. Are you still smoking crack?

No.

I only smoked that one time.

That's a lie. I've done it six more times.

You made Brick cry.

You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.

But, seriously, do you have any more of that crack left?

You know what, Ron?

We're a news team, and that's a bond for life.

But I don't like the man you've become.

You know, we were happy when you found us. Right?

I was taking pictures of pussies,

Champ was serving bats to people, and Brick was dead.

We took a gamble.

Took a gamble to follow you here.

But I'm starting to realize, this was all about you,

and beating Veronica at all costs.

It had nothing to do with the news,

- nothing to do with the team. - Brian, don't.

You know, I might not be the smartest guy,

but I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

I know that if you're pleasuring a woman down south,

you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet around her...

The bubble. Around her bubble.

- The vulva! - The Volvo.

I always do the KISS logo

or the Led Zeppelin "ZoSo" symbols.

I know the El Camino is the coolest thing ever

because it's a car and it's a truck

and that's just two different ways to get pussy.

I can't argue with any of those points.

And I know that no matter what,

you always stand by your friends.

Sorry, Brian.

I've got a sore back.

You'll have to excuse me.

It's so sore from carrying your ass for the last 15 years.

I think you're sick in the head, Burgundy.

Thankfully, I've got a whole spoon full of medicine.

I don't know who I am.

Oh, my God! The room is spinning.

You'll regret this!

You'll regret this, Brian!

I can't move my left side of my body.

One, two, three, get up on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Tonight, I interview Yasser Arafat, the secretive head of the PLO.

Hey, don't let her get into your head, Ron.

I can't believe this.

How do you even get that guy's number?

We've got to get someone from a foreign country.

Guys, we're on in 20, 20, Ron.

You ready?

What's that, huh?

Oh, that's nothing. It's just a car chase

on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.

You know what?

Give it to me live to start the broadcast.

No. That's not news, Ron.

Give it to me live, okay?

- And don't question me again. - Bill!

Journalists back in 1980 thought that a car chase wasn't news.

But Ron Burgundy wasn't a journalist, he was an anchorman.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,

reporting live from New York.

We have breaking news developing

in our nation's heartland.

A high-speed car chase is in progress...

Keep the "Breaking News" logo up. Keep up the graphic.

Reaching speeds of up to 100 mph.

And for the first time in news history,

we will stay with it live

until it resolves in either a huge accident

or a massive shootout.

Ron Burgundy is so brave for covering this.

What an American!

Are you worried your dad's not gonna come?

He'll be here. He promised he would.

Does he usually stick to his promises?

Always. Except not most of the times.

We're going to stay with this live.

I know there's other news out there.

There's boring interviews with weird foreigners

going on right now that are not important.

This is the pulse of what's going on in our country right now.

Freddie, what's going on?

Why is there a local car chase on the TV?

It's Burgundy, he insisted.

Can't you see what the son of a bitch is doing?

He didn't have a story so he made one!

You can't do that!

Tell Ron to speculate who's driving the car.

Ron, speculate on who's driving the car.

We believe the driver may be on drugs.

He's probably 6'7", 6'8", but a skinny 6'7", 6'8", about 160.

He may have a hostage or two.

We don't know. He could have something in his car.

The phone lines are lighting up. It's about the chase!

I've never seen anything like it!

Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario

by which peace could be reached with Israel?

Peace is what burns in my heart...

What was it? Excuse me.

What happened to the...

The network cut to another developing story.

Some kind of crazy car chase.

Who covers a car chase?

I'm sitting here with the most important interview

of my entire career,

and they're cutting to a car chase?

This is extremely gripping.

He just hit a car! He just hit a car!

He hit a car! Did you see that?

Oh, they just wrecked!

- Wow! - I fucking love the news!

Yeah!

Oh, my God, that car just hit another car.

This is awesome.

And he just loses it! Wow!

That's exactly what we needed.

It was getting a little boring.

Hey. You did a great job.

Thanks, Gary.

I don't think your dad's coming.

I'm sorry, honey, but I think we need to go.

Stop reading my mind!

All right.

I mean, this is what I worry about.

My dad thinks you're like a wizard.

I'm a psychologist.

I have a ponytail, for God's sakes.

We're just getting word that police

have finally apprehended the suspect.

It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman,

he's 80 years old,

and he was simply confused.

Wow! What an afternoon!

I'm Ron Burgundy.

I may not always know the facts

but I'll always tell you the truth.

Thank you for watching.

And we are clear!

Yes!

Great!

All right!

I don't believe it! You did it, Ron!

Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.

I don't deserve this.

It was a team effort. it really was.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we all know there's one reason

that GNN have gotten to the top.

And that reason is the greatest

bloody newsman in the world.

Long may he reign!

Mr. Ron Burgundy!

Yeah, Ron!

Yeah!

Fire it up, Ronny!

Let's blaze.

Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.

We did it, my onyx hellion.

You're magic!

Good friend.

In the myth of Icarus,

Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride,

flew too high

and the sun melted his wings.

Ron had no idea who Icarus was.

He thought he was an alien villain from Star Trek.

Oh, my God, Ronny!

Ron!

Open the bloody gate.

Somebody call an ambulance!

My heart is split like a melon!

Do not die in front of us!

Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.

Damn it, Milton, what is it?

Well, Ron...

L.-

it looks as if both optic nerves are separated

from their respective corneas.

- What? - No other way to put this, but...

You're blind.

But surely there's some drug or some machine...

Ron, I've looked at all the test results repeatedly.

There's always false positives.

- Run the tests again! - Okay, all right.

There is one more test I can do.

I knew it!

Yep, you're blind!

Clearly, there must be something in this

new-fangled office of yours

- that can help me! - Settle down.

There's got to be something in here!

Orderly. Orderly.

Zombies! Zombies!

If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you.

The world of the blind.

Ron Burgundy, a man who had flourished in a visual medium,

had forever entered this realm of darkness.

Who is it?

Ron, it's us!

I'm sure you gentlemen are famished from your travels.

I hope you like Triscuits and some pimento loaf.

Still hot off the griddle!

There we go.

Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron.

Jack Lime's been filling in for you

since you've been gone.

You know, he's really not such a bad guy after all.

Brick!

That's checkers and caulk. Don't eat that.

What about Linda? She hasn't called.

Linda's pretty busy. I'm sure that's what it is.

Have you ever eaten the boot from Monopoly?

It is so good.

So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day?

You're just out here pretty much away from everything.

Well, every day begins about the same.

I wake up screaming in terror

because of the blackness and I think I'm dead.

Every day?

Yes! Every day!

And then I begin what's called The Great Adventure.

Making breakfast.

I've eaten everything from nails to drink coasters.

Don't even bring up Thanksgiving.

I got halfway through a Nerf football.

You haven't been blind for Thanksgiving.

You know what the biggest indignity is?

I can't even masturbate.

Really?

What's masturbate?

Heck, one morning I spent 20 minutes

aggressively rubbing my shin,

wondering, "Where's the sensation? Where's the pleasure coming?"

Went through half a can of Crisco.

You rubbed your shin thinking it was a penis?

Feel it. Tell me that doesn't feel like a penis.

That feels like a shin.

Yeah, because you're feeling it through the hands of a sighted person.

Ron, purely for empirical evidence and science,

I'd like to feel your bony, hard cock and compare that to a shin.

You think I'm stupid, don't you?

Go ahead, laugh at the blind man.

Laugh at the village fool. The carnival freak.

I'm like the Elephant Man, aren't I?

Oh, come on, Ron.

Do I amuse you?

More!

I'm a man. I'm not an animal.

What you're going through

has nothing to do with the Elephant Man.

It doesn't even remotely compare.

Let me say it real slow and real loud.

I'm

blind!

I guess we should get out of here.

Maybe you should go. Yes.

Why don't you guys get out of here!

Despite my complete and utter isolation,

your gentlemen's visit has actually made it worse!

Good-bye, Ron.

What?

No, don't go!

Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back!

Wait! Come back!

Come back!

I'm alone!

Why have you done this to me, God? Why?

You feel like a big shot? Are you a big man now?

Are you getting your jollies off this one, God?

I hope you're happy.

Well, I never thought that I would see

the Ron Burgundy full of so much self-pity.

Who is it? What is that noise?

Take my hand.

I can't see it!

Reach for it, Ron!

You have to learn to do for yourself now.

All right. This... Okay. Here we go.

Get up. There we go.

Cher, is that you?

You can't recognize me by my voice?

Billy Dee Williams.

Really?

Every news station is copying what you did, Ron.

All the stories are about animals, or car chases or strip clubs.

The genie has been let out of the bottle,

and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.

- That's why I quit WBC News. - What?

There's no real news being reported out there.

It's just all about ratings.

Veronica.

Why are you here?

I'm here for our son, Ron.

Walter needs you.

I need you to start taking responsibility

for him and for yourself.

Do you realize you're talking to a man

who just this morning tried to brush his teeth with a...

With a violin that he found at a flea market?

What? How?

Wouldn't you have known it was a violin when you touched it?

I'm just saying, it's not going to be a cakewalk.

Well, then we best get to it.

It's next to impossible. I can't do it!

Just remember the curves.

The curves.

- The green eyes. - Green eyes.

Yes, I'm still sitting here nude like you requested.

I can't do it!

Baxter found something on the beach!

Ron, be careful!

It's okay!

- Walter, what is it? - It's some kind of fish!

It's not just a fish. It's a shark.

And by the smell of the oil from its liver,

it's a juvenile great white.

Oh, my goodness!

If he stays tangled in this net, he's not going to survive.

Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.

It's not just a shark, Veronica,

he's a Carcharodon carcharias.

The largest apex predator in the ocean.

Son,

don't you worry, we won't let this fellow die.

We'll do it together, Dad.

That should keep him in there until he's strong enough

to swim out to the deep ocean.

Can I name him?

Of course you can, son.

What about Crackers?

Give me a goddamn break.

Seriously, you've got one of the most vicious predators

in the ocean and you're going to name him Crackers?

In the future, when you say I can name something,

don't be a dick about it.

Why don't we do this? Let's name him Doby.

All right, I can live with that.

Don't worry, Baxter, we won't feed him your dog food.

Even though Ron Burgundy had lost his sight,

he had never seen so clearly.

He had the love of Veronica and his son.

The beauty of the lighthouse.

And with every inch Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.

Well, you're a hungry guy.

Got you!

- Yes! - You got it.

You struck him out.

Happy birthday, Doby!

Ron, Walter.

Mom, we made a birthday cake for Doby

out of seal meat and chum icing.

- We did. - Nice, nice.

Listen, I... Walter, I fear that the shark

is getting too big for the cove now.

What do you know, bitch!

Excuse me, young man.

Walter, that language is only used by your father

when your mother messes up.

She ruins everything!

First she made you leave and now she wants Doby to go.

It might be time to set Doby free.

The other day we found old man Crowley's walker by the cove.

He's been missing for a week.

Oh, dear Lord.

- I'll go talk to him. - All right.

Wrong way.

Just like the passing of the seasons,

it came time for Doby to return

to the deep waters he was meant to call home.

I hear his tail splashing!

He's actually swimming away!

Do you think he's crying,

weeping violently in the depths of the sea?

He's a shark, so, no.

I think that he's surrounded by water.

If we ever see him again,

do you think he'll remember us?

Absolutely, my son.

Sharks are known for their photographic memory.

Promise you'll always be there for me, Dad?

I promise.

If I say I'll be there for you,

there's nothing on God's Earth that will stop me.

I love you, Dad.

Let's get back up to the lighthouse, all right?

- Come on. - Okay.

Doby, I hope you're happy-

And I hope you eat lots of fish and surfers.

Oh, there you are.

I found the most beautiful clams down by the estuary.

I thought we could steam them up tonight

with a nice butter sauce

and some wine.

Veronica.

Yes, Ron?

Can you explain this?

Ron, this is Dr. Brangley. I've left dozens of messages.

Somehow, they must be getting erased.

But there is a procedure

that can possibly return your sight.

Please get back to me if you're interested.

Well? Have you been erasing these messages?

Yes. Ron, just let me explain.

How could you?

We've never been this happy and...

Damn you, woman!

You lied to me!

I gave you everything!

I gave you my heart,

my smile,

my seed.

And you lied to me.

- Dad! - Sweetheart.

No! Dad!

Don't leave, Dad!

Dad!

Sweetheart, we have to let him go.

He needs to go free.

Just like Doby.

He'll be back. He promised.

Could you please call me a damn cab? I'm blind!

Of course!

Ron, the operation was a success.

But we won't know for sure until we remove the bandages.

Well?

Yes.

I can see.

Oh, God, oh, God. It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!

You are my inspiration.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, hey, good for you, Ron. Whammy.

Champ.

Ron, you grew a mustache.

Brick.

Brick and I are having a baby!

We're gonna name it Sugar.

- I'm 22 months pregnant. - All right.

Well, get over here, you bastard.

Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.

Hold on to that drink. I just want to grab some air.

How you doing there?

I'm fine. Just...

Just a lot of people in there.

Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that I never called or visited.

There's... There's no need to explain.

But, listen, I mean, you're back.

Hello, Ron.

What are you doing here?

I had to come tell you something very important.

You must be Linda Jackson.

You must be Veronica.

Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.

This is a touching moment for me.

Please, don't take this the wrong way,

but if you touch Ron again,

I will pop up from the backseat of your car

and burn your face with a curling iron.

That's all fine and good

but if you did that I'd be forced

to put your hand in a paper shredder

while I smoke a cigarette.

Well, in that case, I would have no choice

but to mail your severed foot to your grandmother.

Merry Christmas, Nana.

I was feeling a little bit down

but this is definitely picking up my mood.

Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone

and it's been an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.

This has been great.

Bye, Linda.

I know why you haven't been returning my messages.

I wasn't calling for me, I was calling

because Walter has a piano recital in half an hour

at the Tishman School on 65th Street.

And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.

Walter.

It would mean the absolute world to him to have you there.

Ron, I just got a call from the control room!

Oh, big fan. Oh, Ron...

Actress Sheila Blackledge, the mom from the hit sitcom

Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd...

Oh, sure. Four's a family

Five's a crowd

The neighbors get mad 'Cause the family's so loud

It's so funny.

That's it.

She found out that her husband was cheating on her

and she severed his penis while he slept!

Oh, my goodness.

The police arrived. She fled in her white Bronco,

and now they're engaged in a high-speed car chase!

We've got an exclusive on the live feed,

but we've got to go, right now!

Ron, this can be your comeback.

- Veronica, I... - No, Ron. No.

That... That will get sky-high ratings.

- Walter will understand. - Walter will understand.

Go.

Come on, Ron. Priorities!

- Veronica! - Come on!

Can you hear me?

Yes, yes, you're coming in loud and clear.

You're back and you get this story.

- This is gonna be huge. - Right.

God, look at him.

Like a beacon in the night!

- My golden goose. - All right, baby.

So I'm just gonna be giving you the details.

Five, four,

three, two...

Good evening, America. After some time off,

it's good to be back with you. I'm Ron Burgundy.

We have a story tonight involving an affair,

a cut-off penis, a TV star,

twelve kilos of cocaine, devil worship, and a car chase.

And throw it to the feed.

The only problem is...

- What's he doing? - Ron, are you okay?

- It's not news. - What?

- Turn off the prompter. - Ron, this is Kench.

What the hell do you think you're doing, mate?

Just read what's in front of you,

or I will ruin you! Don't!

Don't! You leave Kench inside your head!

God damn it!

You see, folks, I've read a lot of news in my day,

but it's taken me until now

to realize what real news is.

Real news is supposed to let people know

what the powerful are up to,

so that that power doesn't become corrupt.

But what happens when the powerful own the news?

Recently, I've been on a bit of a personal journey.

I made love to a proud, intelligent black woman.

I became blind.

I bottle-fed and raised a shark.

And I smoked a fair amount of crack.

But the most important thing I've learned is that

there was an emptiness left

after turning my back on three

of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Hi, Ron!

So, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to see my child's recital

and tell the woman I love that I still love her.

Good night, America, and never forget,

you deserve the truth.

Good. He's dead, done. Linda,

get the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!

He's coming back!

Also, I just wanted to say a quick hello to Baxter.

Hello, Baxter.

We've got dead air.

Yes, yes, yes.

We're taking care of it right now.

Guys, I'm sorry.

For a while there,

I don't know what became of Ron Burgundy.

Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Brian, I...

No reason why I killed that story of yours.

It was excellent reporting.

And, Champ, I'm really sorry for...

Actually, I wasn't gonna apologize for anything to you.

You've done horrible things to me.

Ron, you're a good man

but you've fallen victim to your own ego

and your own hubris.

And before others can forgive you, you must learn to forgive yourself.

What was that, Brick?

I have a hot dog in my desk.

Thank you.

So that's it, huh? You're sorry.

You know what, Burgundy, apologies are like assholes.

Everyone's got one and everyone's got a shoebox

full of Polaroids of them under the bed.

I don't know what that means.

It means that apologies are cheap

and that I have a shoebox full of Polaroids of butt holes

and I keep it under my bed.

Maybe one day you'll...

You'll think enough of me to let me buy you a beer

and we can look at that shoebox together.

Don't hold your breath.

I only show that shoebox to my good friends and hitchhikers.

- I understand. - Ron...

We're the news team. This can't end.

Well, we'll see how this one does at the box office.

What?

Just let him go, Champ.

Ron!

Long live Ron Burgundy!

Guys, he's gonna come to my recital.

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Damn it!

It's so hard for a rich white man to get a taxi in this city!

- Thank you. - Ls Dad going to come?

No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.

He's going to come. I know it.

Taxi!

I need to see my son!

And now, to play an original composition

that he wrote for his father,

here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.

I made a promise! I made a promise to my son!

What the hell?

Well, hello, Ron.

You out for a jog?

Jack Lime!

Where's everyone going?

Please. I don't have time to talk, okay?

I have to be somewhere.

Well, that's funny. 'Cause I got nowhere to be

'cause you pretty much destroyed my career.

Do you realize what it did to me,

by making me call myself Jack Lame?

It was a living hell!

I had to get a new driver's license.

I can't get restaurant reservations!

I have to do my own hair.

Look, I'm sorry but I'm out of the news game.

I just walked away.

You can't just walk away from the news.

It's like a... It's like a frat or KISS Army.

You're in it for life.

I'm telling you, you have to let me go!

Oh, don't worry. Four against one.

This will be over fast.

Maybe not so fast!

My news team. Thank God!

Ain't a day that will be or has been that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.

Not a problem. When I'm done with these mutts,

I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.

Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?

When I'm done with you,

I hope we can be friends in the future

and maybe see a movie together.

Wait!

It's too bad you don't have free health care

because the BBC World Service

is about to beat your arses bloody!

God save the Queen

and God kill Ron Burgundy!

No. Not now.

Fall back, fall back.

If y'all are gonna get down,

then Wesley Jackson and the MTV VJ News crew need in!

What the hell's a VJ?

I don't know.

Is that like a vlow job?

It's the future, sucker!

We gonna play all videos

and then eventually just reality shows!

It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Janson.

And Wendy Van Peele from Entertainment News.

Entertainment and news, that's a contradiction.

In celebrity gossip, guess who was seen canoodling

with death at Spago?

Ron Burgundy!

Tonight's top story,

an exclusive interview with Jamie Farr

plus a couple of douche bag anchormen

get their balls stomped!

Hey!

There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles

and the incredibly polite Canadian news team.

What about the French-speaking Quebec News?

The real voice of Canada!

Give it a rest, eh?

Give me a break! They can't have news.

Nothing happens in Canada!

That's not true!

Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.

And sometimes the lake freezes.

I like your ginger ale!

This is Jeff Bullington, ESPN. All sports.

That's 24 hours of sports, but today it's 23

'cause one of those hours is me

rectally extracting your spine.

Twenty-four hours of sports?

That actually sounds pretty good to me.

I'd watch that.

Hey. The History Network wants in on this. We're news, too.

Only news told much, much later.

Wait a minute. Is that the ghost

of Stonewall Jackson with you?

Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.

The Minotaur isn't even history!

He's mythology! You're crossing a lot of formats here.

Hey, let's not downplay the fact that

that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!

May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?

Mack Tannen! What are you doing here?

You're too old for this.

I had a crush on him when I was a schoolgirl.

You like it wrinkled, huh?

Well, you see, there's the thing.

When there's an early moon,

I almost feel like a stallion again!

He's on our side, right, Ron?

He's a were-hyena!

Oh, my God, don't chase us!

All right, everyone, listen up!

By virtue of being on this battlefield,

there is no return.

People will die.

Hey, everyone, if I happen to kill you today...

Sorry.

I would be remiss if I did not mention one last thing...

Today's blood soaked battle

will be sponsored by R.C. Cola,

a delicious beverage

when you're about to behead a colleague.

And as usual, no touching of the hair and face!

Yeah, that's... I can go with that one.

I wouldn't appreciate it.

When El Trousias,

maiden of the clouds, blows the battle horn,

let the battle begin!

I am El Trousias!

Hear my siren song!

She's pretty.

- Yeah, she has a nice figure. - I'm not jealous of her.

No.

Banged her.

That means you can start.

Man, that's like from a Kajagoogoo video.

Brick, what the hell is that?

It's a gun from the future.

Where did you get it from?

Huzzah!

An eye for an eye, I guess I owe you.

Oh, I'd love to meet Shelly Hack. Terrific.

Cowboys don't have throwing stars.

Man, Burgundy, you're strong as shit.

I drink Ovaltine for breakfast.

Son, how's my hair?

Thanks.

Fill that gap. Fall upon your swords.

Life has no meaning.

There will be a mint julep

waiting on the other side, sir.

Release your soul to me.

Sorry!

Sorry! Sorry!

Sex Panther, I summon thee!

Oh, no! Look out!

Oh, it's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson.

Everyone, it's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson.

Why do we have to fight?

There's so much I could learn from you...

Colonel Burgundy, I will give you three questions

and then I shall consume your soul.

Okay. Do you dwell in heaven?

I march upon a shadowy shore

betwixt the world of men and the shivering gates of heaven.

- Oh, so purgatory. - No.

Shadow shore, betwixt the world of men

and the shimmering gates of heaven.

In the middle. Between the two.

- Do you have another question? - Yes.

Of all the new Japanese car imports

that are on the market today, what's your favorite?

That is your question?

I am a decorated general

who has come from the afterlife to visit you.

That's my second question.

- All right, Honda. - Oh, good.

I like the mixture of the stylish interior

with the gas efficiency.

- One more question? - That's right.

And then I shall consume your soul.

That's okay. Maybe I'll lay off on the last question.

Are you sure?

I just don't want my soul consumed...

Hey!

Send my regards to Sir Winston Churchill.

Please, no!

What in the name of Dan Roundfield?

Gary!

Yes, Ron.

You and I never got along.

But using the power of my mind,

I was able to see in the future that you would do good.

- Now, go. - I knew it!

Go to your son's recital.

I knew you had mind powers!

And make it the greatest day of your life!

Gary, no!

Almighty, Almighty, light the fuse on my call.

Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools.

I repeat, cook these fools.

We've got to get out of here. There's too much news!

Man, what a rush!

The monster's my friend!

Ron, we can still make your kid's recital!

Hey, Ronny.

Jack Lime, please, I just want to get to my son's recital.

No! That's out of the question!

We're outnumbered, Ron.

Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!

Hello, kiddies.

Is there room in the sandbox for a few more?

Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine news team!

Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?

This is a national news fight.

You made one mistake today.

You messed with somebody from San Diego.

It's actually pronounced San Diago.

Hell, Ron and I may not agree on everything,

but we share the bond of being

from the greatest city in the history of this Earth.

Well, ain't that cute?

But you're outnumbered three-to-one.

Why don't you go back to your mama?

Don't you use my mom's name in vain.

Dorothy Mantooth was a hard-working single woman

who raised seven children on her own

and she remained sexually active till the day she died.

Even in her coffin she had the ass of a 19-year-old.

Tight like an apricot. No disrespect.

She served four tours of duty in Vietnam as a helicopter pilot.

She won the bronze in the hammer throw at Helsinki.

I enjoyed her on the show Emergency!

Now here's the thing. While I've been talking,

my news team has emptied their gas tanks at your feet.

You crazy son of a bitch.

I drop this smoke and every one of you goes "poof."

Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman.

You drop that smoke, you die, too.

With the things I've done in my life,

oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell.

So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on Earth.

Oh, my goodness!

That's the most badass thing I have ever heard.

All right!

Looks like this fight's over.

Let's go, boys.

Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!

Sparklers!

- No, no, no, no, Brick! - No!

Dad!

I'm never gonna have to drink horse piss!

Odds are you'll still have to, but enjoy the moment, son.

I love you, Mom! I love you, Dad!

A father reunited with his son.

Come on, folks, that's good stuff.

And then the same man finally learns to love his wife

more than his career?

Suck on that, Tennessee Williams.

And how about Liam Neeson showing up earlier?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get Liam Neeson?

He doesn't have a phone, and lives on a mountaintop,

and we got him.

If that isn't worth 14 bucks, I don't know what is.

So go home with your significant other,

and make love, and then hold each other afterwards,

and say, "That movie delivered.

"It was the nut flush.

"Thank you, Hollywood."

And now, before I join this couple in holy matrimony,

Brick and Chani ask us to join them

as they exchange their vows.

My dearest Brick.

I love the nicknames you call me.

Like Chani or Miss.

Or Miss Chani or Chani.

I call you Duncan Wentworth

or my little flesh hair creature

or a guy who doesn't call the police

when I touch his bathing suit area.

Chani, you make my heart beat so fast

that my right arm hurts

and I forget where I am and what I am doing.

Then men shock me with two air hockey paddles

and I feel better

except the right side of my face sags for a while.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Beautiful ceremony.

Well, hello, ladies.

Ca? or decaf'?

Why?

Oh, I need to know how I'm gonna make your coffee

tomorrow morning when you wake up in my pants.

You're Brian Fantana and you're Champ Kind.

- We love you. - Yeah.

This is a fair warning, girls, if I get really drunk,

you're going to have to do all the work.

Yeah, and we can go back to our place, too.

That way your sheets don't get covered in hair.

Yeah, we've got to get up early for work.

- A little Asti Spumante, huh? - Yeah.

Go back and listen to some records?

They wanted it so bad.