Original subtitles

[Gophers chirping]

[Fire crackling]

[Rock music begins]

Hello fellow students. Haha

For the first time ever, I'm your host, Greg Young, for the school radio

Unfortunately the last host is in the slammer after that weird incident with... Uh...

The Stabbing

But I'd just like to take this opprotunity to welcome all of my fellow freshman

as we begin our careers at this wonderful university

Ah. And now, time for your morning jams

[Rock music intensifies]

[Soft piano music]

What did you say?

I think it's best if I leave now

Don't you?

No, no, no. Before that you said something about leaving, what was it?

Goodbye, Will

No, that wasn't it

She broke up with me

I know

Your girlfriend, Calamity, broke up with you last week

I heard you the first hundred times

Can we talk about me now?

She broke up with me...

My date with Suzy went perfectly dreadful, thank you for asking

I just don't know what went wrong

Me neither, she wouldn't put out at all

What?

Oh... I'm... I'm sorry, Izzy. How did your date go with...

What was her name? Sally?

It went great, thanks

What's on this sandwich?

[Izzy] Hot sauce

And that's not a sandwich, that's a cookie

You OK, Will?

Yeah, I'm fine...

Gimme that!

Didn't Calamity give this to you last year?

No

Listen. As your best friend and your roomate, I've got to level with you

You're seriously starting to bum me out

Remeber the date I brought over the other night, Jennifer?

Yeah

Well, she spent almost the entire time comforting you and not making out with me

She was sweet

Yeah, but so bad in bed

You're missing the point

I am?

Yes!

You have to get over Calamity, man. It's been a whole month!

We've been dating since freshman year of highschool

How do you expect me to get over four years just like that?

I used to suck dick freshman year

You grow out of these things!

It's not the same thing

I've got an idea

Follow me

Leave it!

I said, leave it!

It was an anniversary present, come on

From Calamity! Exactly!

That's why you can't have it

It's toxic for you

It's like a hot iron around your neck

burning the idea that you might get back together with her into your mind

Yeah, but we might get back together

See!

Wait

Is that my... Is that my phone?

How did you get that?

Honey, pickpocketing you is like taking guns from a liberal

Have you heard of Tinder?

Yeah

Well that's exactly what you need

Someone to help you get over Calamity

I don't know...

Come on! It'll be great

Ok, we just have to update your account...

Wait, you... already installed it on my phone?

Yeah...

It's easier to get the straight ones if I pretend to be a guy at first

Wait, you... you pretended to be me?

How often do you have my phone?

I'm your roomate, not a saint

Here! Profile picture!

Hey!

Youch... Maybe not that one...

OK, here

Eh, OK

Uh... Describe yourself

I'm lost

My life has no purpose

She left me and now I have nothing left

I'm just a loose collection of

Punk-emo song lyrics and a future in alcoholism

Working at a dead-end job until and inevitably early death...

How about

"six-four"

OK, and?

Oh, that's it

I'm not even that tall

[ding] Hey, you've already got a match

Yeah, but isn't she dating that guy from Alpha Alpha Alpha?

[Frat Dudes in distance] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!

Maybe, but trust me she gets around and boy can that girl...

Yeah... Yeah... That's enough...

Thanks

Enough?

Come on, you can't give up yet!

What about...

Cheryl Thomas! She has a dog, that's an instant turn on right?

Nah, her nose is too big

That's like the hundredth time you've said that!

Not all their noses can be too big

I'm sorry, but I'm not just going to give up on Calamity

I still love her

She might still come around

Give me that!

I'm going to put this right here, under the skull of Andrew Jackson

And you better not touch it

You remeber what happened last time someone touched my prized skull

You made out with them?

No! After that

You had sex with them?

Before that!

I think I'm lost

I gave her a black eye, Will.

A black eye

Calamity has such pretty eyes

Ugh, you need to get over her!

I have an idea

You know the yearly bonfire put on by Alpha Alpha Alpha?

[Frat Dudes in backyard] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!

Stay the hell out of our yard!

It'd be perfect

You could throw the necklace into the bonfire and be done with it

It's metaphorical or something

You like that kind of shit, right?

I don't know, that doesn't sound like a very good idea

At least think about it, OK?

[Will] Nope

So you're not stalking Calamity?

Nope

Really? Because it looks

like you're using my spy-ear to listen in on her conversation

Why do you even have this thing?

That's besides the point

Anyway, have you given any more thought to the whole bonfire thing?

Shh, shh, she's talking

[Izzy trailing off] I just think it would be really good for....

Uh, huh

Uh, huh

So where is this bonfire thing anyway?

Huh

Ok, yeah. I'll... I'll see you there

[Snapping] [Izzy] Are you even listening to me?

Yeah, um...

Yeah

I think your bonfire thing is a really good idea

Really? Because just a minute ago you said...

Yeah, yeah, I know. I wasn't thinking clearly

I think it'd be a really go idea for me to go and... uh...

Burn the necklace?

Burn the neckalce! What are you talking about? I mean...

Yeah, yeah, uh

I think that's a really good idea. I'm glad we're on the same page now

Me too, I think it's really good that you're going to go

There's no way you're going

I've asked everyone I know

These Alpha Alpha Alpha...

[Frat Dudes in distance] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!

These... Triple-A events are really exclusive

If you don't get an invitation there's no way you can go

All my contacts in the fraternity are...

Angry at me to sya the least

There's got to be someway to get them to notice me

That's it, I've got an idea

Alpha Alpha Alpha...

Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!

Don't you have anything better to do?

Anyway, the fraternity is putting on a talent show

If you win, they have to invite you

Izzy...

You know I can't perform in front of an audience

Not since...

The incident

You know you have to

You're right

[music intensifies] But this may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do

You know?

It wasn't that bad

Not at all. You really surprised me

I didn't think you could give such a touching rendition of "My Heart Will Go On"

Yeah

Hey... Uh...

[Will] Uh Will

Whatever

I just wanted to let you know that... Uh... Those weren't tears during your song

I...I had something in my eye

Well, I'm glad you liked it

Can I go to the bonfire?

Do you have any idea what you're asking?

Our holy order does not take kindly to outsiders like you

Come on man, there's something I can do

You live with that Izzy chick, right?

Yeah

I want to teach her a lesson

I want you to steal her skull

Her skull?

The skull of the Andrew Jackson that has been passed down in her family for generations

Why? What did she do to you?

I'd uh... Rather not talk about it

That is literally the one thing in this world that she cares about

She brags about it to everyone

What could possibly justify me stealing it?

She uh...

She slept with my girlfriend

[Will] What?

She slept with my girlfriend

God... She'd hate me

Well if you want to go to the bonfire, that's what you've got to do

Fine, fine, I'll do it

OK

And you better bring it

Or else

Well? How'd it go?

I'm in

[Piano music begins]

[Izzy] What are you doing?

Uh... Nothing

You're stealing my skull

Yeah

Frat dude said I couldn't come to the bonfire unless I stole your skull

Something about wanting revenge for you sleeping with his girlfriend

Oh yeah...

But... This is serious

You, my only confidant

Are stealing my skull

My family heirloom, the skull of Andrew Jackson

The only thing in this world that I care about

[Izzy] Take it

What?

You need to get over Calamity and if this is going to help you do that, then

Take it

But you owe me

and you know that is not something that I take lightly

[Izzy] It's just a stupid piece of platsic anyway

[Intense piano music begins]

[Fire crackling and people chattering in the background]

[Greg over the radio] Hello! I'm your host, Greg Young

And I don't know about you, but

I am getting excited

Halloween is just around the corner and in celebration

Joshua Andrews is throwing a Halloween party and all are invited

Maybe I should throw a party sometime

In recent news

Dr. Stanford is making a slow but steady recovery from her unfortunate stab wound earlier this year

Keep her in your hearts as we play something a bit more relaxing for her

This one's for you

[Will] Come on out here, Calamity!

Come on out

What?

Are you scared of me?

Why don't you send your new boyfriend on out here?

Huh?

I can take him

Why won't those break?

[Izzy] Will, get in

Izzy? Is that you?

Hey!

Come on! Throw some bottles with me, it's Calamity's house

Do you know what time it is?

Time for revenge

No. It's about 5 am on a wednesday

[Izzy] You frantically texted me, telling me to come help

Burn this bitch to the ground

You see there was a change in plans

I couldn't find a lighter

That's probably for the best, your breath smells flammable

Did you drink all of those?

Well, you see

I can drink a lot of beer over the course of two weeks

But yes, I did drink all of that last night

Who gets drunk off beer?

I'm allowed a vice or two

Or twenty

Hey, I am over Calamity, fire rain down upon her

What else do you want me to do?

I don't know! Maybe not commit attempted property damage

[Izzy] And I may have some bad news for you

This is isn't Calamity's house

It's not Calamity's house? What are you...

Shit

Sorry about that, ma'am. Just got to get him back to the mental institution

Isabelle?

That's my name. Do I know you?

It's Lily

From high school?

How could you not remember me?

[Lily] Huh

You know...

You meant more to me than any other person

I'm glad to know those feeling were reciprocated

Uh... I'm... I'm sorry

Screw you

You know?

All things considered

That could have gone worse

[Will] Let's get out of here

Yeah

[Intense music begins]

[Dull thud]

[Dull thud]

I swear, Will. Throw one more and we are going to find out which is gonna break first

This bottle or your head

Sorry about that Izzy. It's just

It's the only thing I've found that will get you out of that walking coma you've been in since this morning

Well, what do you want then?

I was just wondering, could you like

Set me up on a blind date with someone you know or something?

I'm not sure I know any blind girls

Ha ha. That's very funny, but I'm serious

I'm moving past Calamity

Strike her with lighting

And I'm ready to put myself back out there

I'm not cupid. Why don't you just use Tinder?

[Sigh]

Nobody mayched with me...

Well, I can't do magic, Will

I don't need magic I'm just a little out of practice

You're just gonna have to get a girl to fall for you the old fashioned way

[Both snicker]

Ok, fine, fine

The girl I'm going on a date with tomorrow has a straight sister

I don't know if she's single, but I can ask if she's interested in going on a double date

How's that?

That'd be great, but I thought you said your date was tonight?

[Softly] Shit

Are you sure she's not blind?

Izzy, we're here

[Sigh]

Don't you dare!

Worked, didn't it?

Come on, let's go. We're already late

I just... don't know what the problem is. I'm just so nervous

It's understandable

This is my first date with someone new in four years

I'm more nervous than I've ever been

Well of course you're nervous, but this is me we're talking about

The poets write epics about my conquests. I don't just get nervous

Maybe you're becoming more like a normal human

Just don't mess this up for me, OK?

[Will] You haven't even told me anything about these girls

What's to tell, they're eligible and cute

At least give me something... Like a name

Whitney and Brittany! Now let's go, we're gonna be late

I just said that

[Whitney] And that's when I said

At how acrobatic your mother is

[Awkward laughter]

[Will's deafening lonliness embodied by a laugh]

[Brittany] Anyway, I feel like we've been doing all the talking

Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

Um... Can I have just a second, with my friend?

Um... S...Sure

Sorry

Will, this is important

What? What is it?

Which one is Whitney and which one is Brittany?

Brittany's the one that...

No, Whitney's wearing...

Oh god...

You can't remember either?

Well, what are we gonna do?

Maybe they don't know our names?

Is everything alright, Izzy?

Oh, you know my name

So... What are you... What are you studying?

What am I studying?

I am... Studying... Names!

And I... Definitely know yours

I... I never forget people...

Ever

Huh...

So... Haha... What are you studying, Will?

I'm actually really glad you asked that, because it is really interesting

[It wasn't] So I study a very particular area of history that studies...

[Eerie music]

Excuse me

[Whitney, I think?] What's this bitch's problem?

Sorry about that

[Intense piano music]

Izzy, what's going on with you?

Is it that girl from this morning?

The one whose name you couldn't remember?

I just... I don't get it. What is wrong with me?

How can I affect someone that much and not even remeber them?

I meant the world to her, and I couldn't even remember her name

[Sigh] I have been with a lot of women

Are all of them out there right now just hating me?

Is that the price I have to pay to just have a little bit of fun?

Why? I...

It's not like I lie to them

They should understand that it's just... Casual

What's so wrong with that?

Izzy... I...

I don't know what to say

[Sigh] Well

I totally ruined tonight for you so

I'll talk to her and I'll get you a proper date

[Will] Izzy

And I'll learn her damn name

You know?

I've got an idea

It's nothing revolutionary, but...

You know that Halloween party that's this weekend?

I feel like it would be really good for you to go and you know...

Unwind, forget your problems

[Sigh] You're right, it can't hurt

[Party music begins]

[Sounds of people chatting and having a good time]

You seem to pretty to be a wall-flower

Come dance with me

[Music fades out as the fountain grows louder]

It's weird seeing you without your hat

No! I like it

Aw... Thanks

This is actually kind of cute

I'm glad you think so. My roomate thought I was crazy

I like it

I haven't been to a library in so long

I can't believe I've been missing out on such classics as

What to say when you talk to yourself

Thank you very much [Both laugh]

Are you ok?

Have you ever... Hurt someone

And felt like there was nothing you could do about it?

Like... Maybe if they just felt how you felt, or saw what you saw

It would be alright, but

They don't. And it isn't

I have, yeah

I just... I don't know what I'm doing wrong

I'm not a bad person, I just...

Do what I do and people get hurt

It's not your fault

You don't control people's feelings

You don't make them care for you

They make that decision all on their own

The only thing you can do

Is just

Be yourself

And know that one day

That'll be enough

I had a great time tonight, Will

Give me a call some time

[Magical lesbian music begins]

Izzy is that you?

Remember when you said you owed me for the skull thing?

Yeah?

[Magical lesbian music intensifies]

[Birds chirping]

[Greg over radio] Hello!

And this is a special broadcast from me, your host, Greg Young

I would just like to invite everyone to a house party I will be throwing

in two weeks time.

There will be plenty of pizza and beer

so stop by and have some fun

[pen clicks, paper crumples]

[Greg on radio] Also, the student board would like me to remind everyone

that stabbing your professors willl not excuse you from midterms

and that Dr. Stanford is expected to make a full recovery

from her second set of stabbing wounds

[paper crumples]

[Greg on radio] Thank you, and have a marvelous day

What is this?

What is what?

This monstrosity that you've cursed our table with.

Ohhh, that.

That's just something I picked up from the thrift store the over day.

Table felt like... Just felt like it needed something.

Yeah, you know what? You're right.

It does need something.

I know exactly what it needs.

But since that is lost in the forest somewhere

among the embers of a certain bonfire

I just really don't think that this

belongs here

[scoffs] That's really rich

You trying to tell me what does and doesn't belong here

Because I can think of a really good example

of something you brought home recently that doesn't belong

What?

Will, can I have a word with you in the kitchen please?

[Izzy sighs] Will, I...

[Izzy sighs again]

I have just been having

a really tough couple of weeks

and... I'm not saying that Calamity is the answer to all my problems

but... she... makes me feel good

I... really need somebody like her right now

No offense

I just need someone more than a friend right now

Things just... Aren't the way they used to be

Things that used to make sense to me... Just don't anymore

I feel so...

unsure of myself

But this... This makes sense to me

One of Calamity's famous notes

Are you even listening to me?

[mockingly] I cooked something for dinner tonight

[disgusted] Love, Calamity

Can you not read those? They're private

Why doesn't she just text like a normal person?

Will, listen

I've known you for years. Your friendship is really important to me

but this relationship is important to me, too

And I just need to know that you can handle it

Okay, look. It's just...

it's really weird. My best friend and my ex-girlfriend...

like, together? Dating?

Like, I... I just need some time, okay?

So you're not gonna be a dick about this?

When have I ever been a dick?

Okay, fair enough... But... [Will sighs]

I'll be okay, alright?

Will!

Will, wait up

What?

Slow down!

I have to get to class.

You don't have another class today

Don't you just have to wait for me to drive you home?

What's wrong?

[Will sighs] Nothing's wrong

Is it because Calamity was in class with us?

We were just holding hands!

Well that was some pretty damn sensual hand holding!

Sensual?? What are you even talking about?

You said you'd be okay with this!

Well... Look, you're doing it again! Get a room.

You are impossible.

Izzy...

Impossible? This is not about you and Calamity

Will... Maybe this isn't the best time

No. You know what? I think this is a great time

What is it about then?

It's about the... It's about the...

That's what I thought.

Why can't you just get over yourself and be happy for me?

Should I leave?

[Will] Yes! [Izzy] No!

It's fine. I'll just catch you later, okay?

Let's just hang. You and me.

Will's just being rude right now

Me rude? I am not the one who betrayed my best friend

Please... I can just come by later...

No, we are figuring this out right now

Will, wait

What do you two want?

Really, I should just go

Will, I did not betray you. You said you were over her

Look, I'm trying

You said you were over her!

Well maybe I lied, okay??

Look. You kept telling me that I needed to get over her, and I am trying my hardest

but my feelings for her aren't just going to go away overnight

and it doesn't get any easier if she's around here all the time

Well... That's... Just the way it has to be right now

Look... I want to feel happy for you

but it's just... Calamity, you know what I'm trying to say, right?

Shit.

[bittersweet piano music begins]

[Izzy sighs]

Izzy?

[Will sighs]

[magical lesbian music begins]

[fountain bubbling]

Calamity.

Calamity... I'm...

so sorry about that

I don't know what came over him

Calamity...

My parents made me enroll here.

What?

[bittersweet piano music plays]

I wanted to go to USC

[water splashes]

But... they said I'd never get in

So... They sent me here

Calamity... What are you talking about?

I don't think I can be the person that you want me to be

What do you mean, who you want me to be?

I heard you talking to Will in the kitchen this morning...

and I'm so afraid that I--

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about Will

I know he hasn't warmed back up to you yet... But, he will

He just... Needs time

Izzy...

You said yourself that you can't control sombody else's feelings

It's not your fault that Will's mad at you

You are... amazing

And Will knew that at one point

and now I do

You mean so much to me, Calamity

I just... Don't want Will to get in the way of that

He isn't

I'm glad

I... I've gotta go

We're still having dinner together later, right?

I... I think so. Yeah

[cars come and go]

[phone rings]

[Izzy's voicemail begins] Hey bitch, leave a message

Hey Izzy, it's Will...

Um... I'm sure you didn't forget, but I'm waiting at our normal pick up spot

Uh... If you could please hurry... It's getting pretty cold

Uh, give me a call whenever you get this, I guess

[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message

Hey Izzy. I'm sure you didn't forget me... C'mon

[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message

Hey Izzy. It's your old pal Will...

I just wanna let you know... I totally forgive you for forgetting me

Just... Please hurry up. It's getting really cold out

[voicemail beeps] Hey bitch, leave a message

Hey Izzy... I'm freezing. Please...

[voicemail beeps] Izzy...

[voicemail beeps] Izzy!

[voicemail beeps] Izzy...

[voicemail beeps]

[Will sighs]

Izzy... I'm gonna walk home now

[shivering] I s-swear to God, if I f-freeze to death I'm gonna h-haunt your ass f-forever

[car approaches]

Calamity?

Get a phone!

[hopeful piano music plays]

[Izzy's fingers tapping on table]

[somber piano music plays]

[phone rings]

[voicemail beeps] Hey, it's Will. If you're calling I'm probably busy.

Leave a message, I guess

Hey, uh... Have you seen Calamity anywhere?

Just... wondering

Call me if you see her, I guess

[Izzy sighs]

[dramatic piano music plays]

[owl hoots, crickets chirp]

[door opens and shuts]

Will?

Izzy

God, Will, am I glad to see you

I've been calling you! Why didn't you pick up?

I'm sorry, why didn't I pick up? That's rich

I was just wondering if you'd seen Calamity anywhere

She was supposed to have dinner with me and then she never showed up

No. I haven't seen her

Why would you bother calling about something like that?

You should have just texted. It would have been easier for me to ignore

I know... I just...

I wanted to say... that I'm... sorry for not coming to pick you up

It was stupid and childish... and there's no excuse for it

I'm sorry, Will

No, you know what? I gotta go

You just got here

Yeah, something came up

Okay... See you later...

[door opens and shuts]

[Izzy exhales]

[Izzy sighs]

[hopeful piano music plays]

William

I still love you, Calamity

Will... That is not what I wanted to talk to you about

[Calamity sighs]

It's about Izzy

Izzy?

No... No no no. This is about you and me

[Calamity sighs]

There is no you and me

We are... done

But why did you break up with me? I thought things were going so well

[exasperated] It's not about you, Will

Everything is... changing

Things that used to make me feel... good...

just... They just don't, anymore

Couldn't you feel that, too?

[Calamity sighs]

You and me...

It just didn't...

It didn't feel right

[dramatic piano music begins]

You still have that?

Yeah...

Izzy wanted me to burn it... at that bonfire, you know

I just... I couldn't bring myself to do it

You were at the bonfire?

It's just... I keep thinking that if I hold onto it tight enough, then maybe...

it'll bring you back to me

It just it... it feels like a connection back to the way things were

Back when we were all... happy

[hopeful piano music plays]

Growing up sucks, huh?

Yeah...

[Calamity sighs]

Anyway... About Izzy... and what I wanted to talk to you about...

[Calamity] I don't think... [Izzy] Will

Izzy?

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

You son of a bitch [slaps]

Okay, look. I can explain. Nothing happened

Calamity, why?

She didn't do anything, okay?

Oh! So I just guess you wrote this note to yourself then, huh?

You know, in case you were wondering, this is what real betrayal looks like

You couldn't just let me be happy with her

Oh, get off your high horse

All of the women in the world and you have to fall for Calamity

You get to be a slut up until the moment it has to do with somebody I care about

Why couldn't you just keep your gay little hands to yourself?

Izzy... I ... I didn't mean that

No, I think you did mean that

I think you mean that you think I can't keep my 'gay little hands' off of any woman that I come across

You know...

I expect this from everybody else

and they can call me a slut... and a whore... and a dyke...

but from you?

[Calamity, hysterically] Izzy! Izzy wait!

[The sound of owls and crickets fill the night]

[Song begins] [Singing] I walk with flowers in my hair

[Singing] I walk with birds singin' in my ear

[Singing] I dance on rainy days

[Singing] I laugh my pains away

[Singing] I love with all my heart but that don't make me silly

[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl

[Singing] I ain't just a little stop on your adventure

[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl

[Singing] I'm a free spirit. That means free from you

[Singing] You walk with such a serious air

[Singing] Letting the world know that you just don't care

[Singing] And maybe you're sad, or maybe you're lonely

[Singing] Or maybe you're just a little mean

[Singing] Either way it's not up to me

[Singing] To show you the light

[Singing] Either way it's not up to me

[Singing] To fix your broken soul

[Singing] Either way it's not up to me

[Singing] Don't you know I'm broken too

[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl

[Singing] I ain't just a little stop on your adventure

[Singing] I don't wanna be your manic pixie dream girl

[Singing] I'm a free spirit that means

[Singing] I'm a free spirit that means

[Singing] This is my journey you're just one wrong step in it

[Singing] And I'm only trying to free me

[Greg over radio] Hello everyone! It's me, Greg Young

Not that anyone seems to care

No one showed up to my party

I had ten pizzas that went completely uneaten

I am disappointed in you all

Anyway, I... I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving break

Those of you not visiting family stop by the cafeteria for a special Thanksgiving meal

Thanks and have a good day

Did you put all of this up last night?

Yeah... Just... Think of it as a goodwill offering

It's Christmas, you know? The time of forgiving and forgetting

It's not even Thanksgiving yet

Have some shame

And that hat looks stupid

[Izzy screaming] You put them outside too?

Calamity, you have got to get Izzy to talk to me

That is the most conversation we've had in two weeks

Will...

I don't know how to say this nicely

So I won't

I don't care

I didn't get any sleep last night

And now... I have to go make sure that Izzy doesn't tear the decorations off the front of the house

[Calamity sighs]

God... Izzy really was my only friend

[Soft piano music begins]

[Phone ringing]

[Whitney on phone] Hi, it's Whitney

[Whitney on phone] Hello?

[Whitney on phone] Hello?

Oh... Hey...Hey...

[Phone ringing]

[Whitney on phone] Hello?

Whitney... Whitney, It's me, Will

[Whitney on phone] Will?

[Whitney on phone] I... Um...

[Whitney on phone] Uh... Now's not really a good time

Well, when would be a good time? I'd love to catch up with you

[Whitney on phone] It's been like... A month

[Whitney on phone] And I've heard nothing from you, Will

[Whitney on phone] I don't think there is a good time at this point

What do you mean?

[Some asshole on the phone] Whit, who is it?

[Whitney on phone] One second

[Whitney on phone] I... I gotta go. Bye

[Phone disconnects]

[Will sighs]

[Izzy] I don't see why we can't just celebrate one holiday at a time

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas

In that order

I mean, after Thanksgiving it's whatever. It's fair game

Stores can sell whatever the want, but

I just want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Is that too much to ask?

You've been quiet lately. What's going on?

[Calamity sighs]

You could have been nicer to Will this morning

What?

He was just trying to make the place a little more festive

It just annoys me is all

[Calamity sighs] Well he just put up some lights. It's not a big deal

I wasn't gonna take them down. I just don't want to wear the stupid Santa hat

Well you didn't have to be so angry

I'm not!

You were

Fine. I'll wear the stupid hat if it means that much to you

I'm not even hungry

Calamity what's wrong?

[Izzy] Calamity!

[Will] Hey Calamity

What's wrong with her?

[Izzy] Leave!

Come on, Izzy. Just talk to me

Fine! I hate you. I hope you die

How's that?

[Piano music begins]

[Will screaming in the stall] Why?

[Will screaming in the stall] Why did I do that?

[Will screaming in the stall] Why am I so stupid?

[Will crying in the stall] Izzy...

Will?

Is that you?

[Will] Greg?

[Magical theme begins]

[Izzy sighs]

[Twig snaps]

[Greg] Well damn...

I gotta say it

You're a dick

A huge dick

Whose side are you on anyway?

I was just lashing out 'cause of the Calamity thing. It's not like I actually meant it

Did you even apologize to Izzy?

I got her a Santa hat

So that's a no...

I don't know what to tell you, man

I just...

I need Izzy back. She's my only friend

I mean... Except you of course

You just need to apologize to Izzy

[Will sighs] Maybe...

What about Calamity? Do you think there's still a chance there?

Well...

[Toilet flushes]

[Sink running water]

Excuse us

We are trying to have a private conversation

Ugh...

[Paper towels being used]

[Bathroom door closes]

Anyway...

I think you just need to be patient

And maybe Calamity will come back around to you one day

Just gotta wait and see how thing play out

That's it

See how things play out!

I've got to go get Izzy's spy ear

Not quite what I ment by patience...

Dude, what are they doing?

Shh, shh

They're not saying anything. I think something's wrong

Do I want to know how you found them so quickly?

No

[Soft piano music begins]

I think we need to break up

Calamity

Calamity, if... If there's something wrong then I wanna fix it

You are...

The most important person in the world to me

Izzy, no

Calamity, please...

Izzy, stop

I'm tired of you idolizing our relationship like we're

Romeo and fucking Juliet

[Izzy] If this has something to do with Will then we can...

Izzy you don't get it!

[Calamity] I am not some perfect dream girl here to just magically solve all of your problems

[Calamity sighs]

I am not and... never have been the person you want me to be for you

[Calamity] You've been using me to feel better about yourself

and it is... exhausting

I really like you, Izzy, but...

I'm tired

It's... It's over

[Izzy] Calamity, please don't go

I think it's best that I leave now

Don't you?

Please

Goodbye Izzy

Dude... Now's your chance

Calamity is still emotional

She needs a shoulder to cry on

Sweep in. This is your opprotunity

No...

Well...

Suit yourself

[Will] Izzy

Go away

Look, me and Greg were over there

We heard everything

Are you doing alright?

Listen Will, I just need some space right now, OK?

[Greg sighs]

Didn't go so well for you either, huh?

Nah, she said she needs space

I just...

I don't understand. It feels like everybody that I care about is slipping away from me

Dude, look

Back in high school I was a total loser

I mean...

Nobody would talk to me

Nobody would hang out with me

Except for you

And now look at me. I mean, I'm hosting a radio show...

Well, what I'm trying to say is, you know

We're all changing

That's what college is

It's all about trying to find who you truly are

And, you know, that's what Izzy and Calamity are doing too

People change

Relationships change with them

It sucks, but...

Sometimes you gotta just take it

It'll get better on the other side

[Will sighs] Look, so...

Back when Izzy used to have a really bad break-up

She would always tell all the things she hated about the girl to her little skull

Help get things off her chest

I just... I wish I had something like that

That's it! I know how to make it up to Izzy

Wait, what? You do?

Yeah, I just gotta go back to where the frat held that bonfire and get her skull back

Wait, isn't that location a super frat secret or something?

Don't they blindfold everybody that goes there

Yeah, but I know where the frat forest is, like...

It shouldn't be too hard

I gotta go

So next week I'm throwing another party

It's gonna be really cool, you in?

I... I don't know if I'll be free, but we'll see, alright?

Will really is my best friend

[Phone rings]

[Will on the phone] Izzy, I know I've messed up

[Will on the phone] I know I've been a jerk, but I'm so sorry

[Will on the phone] but I am going to make it right, I promise

Will, what are you talking about?

[Phone disconnects]

[Phone dialing]

[Automated voice message] We're sorry, your call did not go through

[Automated voice message] Will you please try your call again

[Greg over radio] Hello all! It's me, Greg Young

I have been asked to make a special evening broadcast

to inform you all that doctor Stanford has announced her retirement today

This was after her third stabbing, but before her fourth

But enough of that

I would also like to use this chance to tell you all I am throwing another...

[Radio cuts out]

[Eerie music begins]

[Phone dialing]

[Automated voice message] We're sorry, your call did not go through

[Automated voice message] Will you please try your call again

[Izzy sighs]

[Morning birds grow louder]

[Door opening]

Will, is that you?

[Calamity sighs]

No

I... uh...

[Calamity] Thought you'd already be gone

[Calamity] Otherwise I would have shown up later

I just need to grab my stuff

Calamity wait!

Wait, Calamity

I need to talk to you

[Calamity sighs] Let me through Izzy, I'm not in the mood

[Izzy] It's about Will. I'm worried about him

He never came home last night

[Calamity] Well, Will's a big boy. I'm sure he can handle himself

Well, it's just not like him

[Izzy] He never stays out past midnight

He's like a grandma, you know that

Don't you have any idea where he might be?

I don't know, and I don't care

Please, Calamity. He's my best friend

[Calamity sighs]

You might ask Greg

[Calamity] He and Will have been hanging out a lot recently

[Izzy] Forgot my keys

[Greg] Uh... Attention everybody

I'm... I'm throwing a party next week. It's gonna be super fun

Uh,,,

Invite your friends

Ah! Izzy... Uh...

Do you wanna come to my party next week?

I don't care. Where's Will?

Uh... I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that

But... Uh... You wanna take another flier?

[Izzy] We can do this the easy way or the hard way

I would never betray my friend

Hard way it is then

[Thud] Ugh... He went to the forest

He... He went to get your skull from the bonfire

That idiot

He probably froze himself half to death out there

Where was the bonfire

I... I don't know

It's some super frat secret or something

I mean maybe someone who went to the bonfire could tell you where it is

Uh... Calamity went. She could help you!

[Thud]

[Izzy sighs]

[Eerie music begins]

[Engine tries to turn over]

Piece of shit

[Engine tries to turn over]

[Car starts]

[Knocking on the car window]

What do you want, Izzy?

I need your help, Calamity

[Calamity sighs]

Izzy, I thought you of all people could take a break up

This isn't about that!

I need your help finding Will

Well... I'm busy

I have a date with Brittany

Whitney?

No, Brittany

Whatever, Will went to the bonfire to try and find my skull

That idiot

You're the only one that can lead me to him

Why in the world would I do that?

Give me one good reason

That I should ditch out on my hot date

So I can help, not one

But two of my exes

'Cause Will may be an asshole

He may be the biggest dick you've ever met

But right now that idiot is out there

Probably freezing his ass off

Trying to find a plastic skull for me

[Izzy] He'd do the same for you, Calamity. You know that

[Calamity sighs]

[Breaks screeching] [Thud]

Get in

[Izzy] Thanks for coming

I'm not doing this for you

I'm doing it for Will

[Izzy] You're not still mad at me, are you?

[Calamity sighs] I don't want to get into it

I just... Don't get it

All I ever wanted to do was show you how much you meant to me

I don't know what I did wrong

[Calamity] Izzy, I said I don't want to talk about this right now

You just made me feel so good, Calamity

[Breaks screeching]

[Calamity sighs]

All my life people have been telling me

Who I am and what I should be doing

My parents told me where I was gonna go to school

And what I should be studying

[Calamity sighs]

I dyed my hair pink in middle school and people just labeled me as

The rebel

[Calamity sighs] All my boyfriends just saw me as

Check marks on their list

Until I met Will

He didn't care what color my hair was

He just saw me

For me

[Izzy sighs] Calamity I...

All I have ever been to you

Is a means to an end

We're turning around

But...

We have to go get Will He's been out there all night

[Calamity sighs]

It's another mile down this road and it's on the right

You can come back and get him yourself

[Engine tries to turn over]

[Engine tries to turn over]

[Engine tries to turn over]

[Thud]

I hate this car

Well, looks like we'll just have to walk

Will can drive us both back after we find him

[Izzy] Calamity wait

[Eerie music begins]

[Thud] Ugh

[???] Get up

Calamity

Am I dreaming?

[Calamity] Well... More like...

Hallucinating

It's cold out here

But what are you doing here?

Well I'm you

So what are you doing here?

I'm... I'm here to get back Izzy's skull

[Calamity] Hmph

A cheap plastic skull

You wouldn't risk your life for that

What are you really doing here?

I'm here to do right by Izzy

I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago

And get rid of that damn necklace

[Calamity laughs]

It's metaphorical or something

You like that kind of shit, right?

Izzy said that to me

[??? laughs] You really are losing your mind

Izzy?

Oh my God, Izzy, I am so sorry

I was just... I was so focused on getting Calamity back

And I ended up hurting you

Please forgive me

[Izzy] Great. Now you just have to actually say that to me

Instead of screaming it to yourself in the middle of the forest

[Izzy sighs] Come on Will

[Izzy] Look

[Izzy] Here's his car

[Izzy] We have to be getting close

But how are we gonna find him without getting lost ourselves

We are not doing anything

I am going to wait right here while you go and find Will

[Izzy sighs] Please Calamity

I know I've been a jerk but I really need your help right now

I can't do this by myself

Sure you can

Look, I'm sorry, OK?

You were right all along

I was just using you to make me feel better about myself

I guess I just got tired of being seen as this

Slut

And I dove into our relationship without considering your feelings

I'm sorry Calamity

It's already getting pretty late

We need to start searching for Will now

[Calamity] We should split up to cover more ground

[Calamity] I'll go this way. You go that way

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Will!

[Shouting] Izzy?

[Shouting] Will?

[Will shouting] Izzy!

[Shouting] Is that you?

[Shouting] Izzy!

[Izzy shouting] Come towards my voice

[Shouting] Will!

Izzy

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

You think I don't know that?

You dope, you scared me to death

I don't know what I'd do without you

Look I got the skull. I got it back!

You idiot I don't care about that!

Are you alright?

Idiot

Come on

[Calamity shouting] Will!

Is that Calamity?

Yes, she came to help rescue you

[Izzy shouting] Calamity we found him!

You're ok!

Yeah I...

I should be fine

I can't feel my toes though

Eh

Who needs 'em anyway?

Are you...

Are you two back together?

No

We're friends now

Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break from monogomy for a while

It's overrated anyway

Let's get out of here

[Rock music begins]

[Calamity] Will?

[Calamity] What happened to your hat?

It must have fallen off somewhere

I wonder if it misses me

That's not how hats work, Will