Original subtitles

ALEX and LEO

- Olivier ist our man. - Olivier is not our man!

He doesn't have a beard. - He doesn't need one.

He needs one before - shave - afterwards none

It's about shavers, remember? - Pierre is too expensive!

- You are exaggerating.

- We have to make a final decision sometime!

- I think it's him!

- Let's go over them again. - Not again, Heiko, please!

- How about applying some exclusion principle?

- How much is this one here?

- How much is this one here? - Too pale, too German.

- Leo? Leo, are you with us?

He might be in the same room but roaming on another planet

Leave him alone, Heiko.

- What's your opinion anyway? - Simon...!

Why? I thought we're deciding things together.

- Sorry, Simon, I was just... - Don't be a mouse, be a lion, Leo!

Babette, why don't we start casting sessions and invite everyone again?

Two weeks too late for that.

- No fresh faces anywhere. - Does it have to be a bloke?

- Well, it's about shavers!

- So what? Women do shave, don't they?

Shut your mug! Heiko, you really don't like any of them?

Well... take another look yourselves!

Let's see... this here... that's rubbish...

THERE goes a pretty face.

He doesn't even have a beard.

... but we're definite about the photographer, aren't we?

- Yes, Babette had Marcos in mind. - You can't be serious!

Why, what have you got against Marcos?

I don't wanna book him 'cause he's always on about arts.

- But his art is excellent! - But we have to sell the thing.

- We will. - This bloke is gonna ruin us!

- Now say something, would you, Leo!

- Listen to Babette! - Thanks!

You're sure you want to prepare the contracts yourself?

Yeah, just some details left.

- See you at your place later on? - Yes, Carla can hardly wait.

- Right, nine then. - See ya.

I'd like to pay.

- Keep the change. - Cheers. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

You've got a black heart.

There, on your shirt.

Oh, bugger!

- Wait. Don't rub it. - Shit, my pen is leaking.

You might get that off with salt, I think.

No meeting ahead, I hope?

o, fortunately not.

- Thank you. - No bother.

- Take care, then. - Cheers. You too.

Hey, Daniel, is that on? Are you recording us?

No worries. Sits there all the time. C'mon, say: "I'm sixteen."

- What? - Say "I'm sixteen!"

Er... I am sixteen...

- Now say "I'm forteen." - ...I'm forteen...

What? Already? Oh.

I thougt you didn't like Jazz.

I don't.

Have you informed him about your mycosis?

- Sorry? - He's joking.

Right. Just a joke alright. Haha.

You're early today.

Well, I finished off earlier, same thing seems to happen here.

hat's his name? - The name's Roberto.

Roberto, would you mind getting dressed and leaving?

This might get a bit ugly.

'm really sorry. I didn't know... If it helps, it wasn't that great...

You're not really mad at me, are you?

Not at all.

I was tempted to join in!

Fancy a coffee? Want me to make you one?

That'd be nice. Thanks.

You disgusting, lying pig! Stupid dickhead!!

Cute!

That's our chance!

Why? What for?

Since you can't escape from here,

I can finally address the m-word again.

I told you we were going to speak about marriage,

as soon as you can show me five couples of your acquaintances

who have been married for over than three years.

- I know at least two. My parents and this cute couple from the lake.

Ducks don't count!

Come on, these are everlasting bonds.

Leo, how long have we been knowing each other?

Four years?

True. Don't you think this is serious?

I just don't think I am the marriage type.

Well, then we got a problem.

Why's that? You always said yourself you didn't want to marry!

Leo... Leolet... I am a woman. We don't say what we want.

...but we reserve the right to become very, very unpleasant if we don't get it.

That's what makes us fascinating.

Get a move on now. They will b e here in half an hour.

"You've got a black heart..."

I work day and night to support you,

while you are supposedly working on your first script!

I come home from work to catch you with your pants down

stuck up to your nuts in this gasping child!

How long has this been going on? Hm?

No,no, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Yes, do tell me. I want to know.

Only asking so I can actually listen

to a detailed description of how daft I am!

Don't you wanna switch the damn thing off?

No, I don't! It stays right there so I can watch

the whole thing in context later...

... cause I'm afraid I'm not going to believe this.

I... I've been bored rather often recently,

and then I got stuck in the writing process...

... I don't know... you've become quite fat...

Out!

OUT!!!

What have I missed?

I was just saying that, honestly, I don't sympathise with queers.

I know, Berlin is supposed to be sooo liberal

but two men having intercourse - ...

sorry, that's simply unnatural. I don't get it.

- Well, I think your... -Simon, can I ask you a question?

Nobody's listening to me.

- Sure, you can ask me anything.

- Have you ever kissed a man?

Careful with your answer, Simon.

No, Leo, I have never ever kissed a man in my entire life.

Ah, come on!

Aaah! Look at this smile!

He's lying!

But you are into anal intercourse, aren't you?

Well, Leo, since we both work in the media industry,

I have seen you kiss ass, and...

Just hark at that

...you have seen me kiss ass.

Meaning yes?

Well, I suppose one is as good as another.

Have you ever kissed a man?

Yes.

Can I have a top-up?

Am I less of a man now?

I assume this is a question to be answered by Carla only.

Lips are lips are lips.

I'll have some Schnapps. Anybody else?

Hey, Tobi! How're you doing?

(polish accent) How you can ask question to person

thinking about existentialism? You know -

- form and substance of existence and

why existence exists and how is threatened.

Have you phoned Alex?

I have. He'll come along later.

- And? - He's all run down.

Have you ordered yet?

Kerstin, there he is again!

Good Lord, I swear, as long as I am having a face,

this one will always have a reserved seat.

Why don't you eventually speak to him?

Peep! Peep! Ooops! What's this?

Oh, it's an idiotgram. It's for you!

Dear Kerstin - Stop - You are sooo naive - Stop -

- You don't speak to attractive men just like that - Stop -

Is this the reason why you ...

Tobi - shut your face.

Tobias! You're still among the living!

Man, all my gynaecologists seem to phone me more often than you do!

Stefanie, pardon me for having a life.

You've got more than one?

You have to play them off against each other

or they'll think you are an easy lay.

By the way, you're late.

I had to park the car three crossroads away.

I ran the whole way because it was raining.

Halfway through, my heel got stuck in a manhole cover.

When I got my foot out, I stepped into a puddle.

Then a cab drove by and splashed me, leaving me soaking wet.

I swear if the hardware store on the corner had been open,

I would have bought a knife to kill myself.

What have I missed?

Alex split up with Daniel. What do you think about that?

I guess one of my bra-straps snapped.

Has anyone spoken to him yet?

Oh no, Tobi, I hope you were at least reasonably nice to him.

What was I supposed to say?

I asked him when what's-his-name is moving out.

Seriously, is he very upset?

I'll get him back on his feet in no time. Leave it to me.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but what did we say

back then when he fell for this guy?

- We said "Yuck!" - And we were right.

But we're not going to rub it in.

How insensitive do you think I am?

Alex! Welcome to single life!

So that's why we haven't been... talking to each other for months!

I thought it was due to stress - or due to me, stupid cow that I am.

No, not due to you.

Since when? When did you find out?

No idea.

You owe me an answer! After all that we've been

through for the last couple of years,

you owe me a fucking answer!

I am sorry, Carla, I...

Sorry my arse! I don't need any excuses,

I want to know where I'm at!

Be a man and stand up for yourself!

I think I knew all along.

This is just great.

And I really thought these things happened to other people.

Why does a bloke like you look for a woman like me

when he is actually gay?

Carla, please...

SHUT YOR FACE! Are there any fags?

I am sorry.

I never asked you...

... but where were you when we wanted to visit

my mother for birthday?

What do you want to know?

His name?

You know Leo ...

... you always told me, you wanted to be a lion.

You know, what you are?

A flea.

And I always hated the Flea Waltz.

Here's the last rent. I'll get my things soon.

Six weeks later Breakfast at Stefanie's

Beautiful!

They don't make films like that anymore.

Next week you choose a film.

Tell me, Kerstin, what was this fat, ugly bloke yesterday?

Who?

The porky guy that was waiting in front of your office when I came to pick you up.

Oh, him. Mr Kraft. Real difficult one. Munchausen syndrome. Incredible.

What's that?

That's ... they used to be called hypochondriacs.

The Munchausen Syndrome ... defines people inventing various diseases

in order to get attention.

Yes, and Mr Kraft has been suffering from 'cancer' lately.

And his mother bakes a cake for him everyday now.

If I had known with what kind of people I would have to deal...

Say, aren't you bound to doctor - patient confidentialy?

Fiddlesticks! Why did I become a psychiologist?

To help people?

No. To make sure I never run out of conversation topics.

I have spiced up many weekend trips with stories about my patients.

I can't believe people look to you for their salvation.

Me neither.

What d' you want me to say?

The loonies pay for my underfloor - heating.

I don't think a psychiologist should call her patients loonies.

But they ARE loony!

Look, from the astrological point of view

many approaches to therapy are simply useless.

True, you can't change star constellations.

Exactly! There is this guy, has been visiting for two years now.

I sit there, listening to his gibberish, but I simply can't help him.

Pisces, ascendant Cancer. The man is not fit for life

and there is nothing I can do about it - even if I wanted to.

I am Pisces myself.

It's the ascendant that matters, Alex.

Exactly. Your ascendant is Leo.

Leo gets you out of the mess constantly created by Pisces.

Sagittariusses like me don't believe in horoscopes.

By the way, Tobi, due to Mercury in the third house there will be

anhanced aggression in your life. So please be careful.

Steffi, I always wanted to ask you - Why do you know Thomas Gottschalk?

That's my mother.

No shit.

Wicked costume.

Yeeaaaahhh. Good Lord, she looks like a cross

between Leni Riefenstahl and Thomas Gottschalk.

And she's wearing the same stork's nest

on her head as her daughter.

Tobi, out of professional interest

is it very painful for you

when the other guys in the locker room are laughing at you?

What I'm saying is that men with small dick

tend to have huge problems.

Since I know nobody else having more problems than you...

- Daniel has a small dick, too.

Alex! Come here. Sit down.

Hey now - how small are we talking about?

Like this?

Like this? Smaller?

Like this?

Yes, about that size.

- Good God! - You poor thing!

So it's not that much what you are missing then.

Even the name. Möckerbrink.

Who in God's name is called Daniel Möckerbrink?

No wonder he's got problems.

You are ri-hight.

Has he picked up his stuff yet?

- He has. - Well, that's wonderful!

Means we got rid of that twat shagger and can live on happily ever after!

When does your performance start tonight?

Eight o'clock sharp! Both of you have a seat in the front row.

Thank you. And now, dear guests, we clear stage for Roland Schaller!

You were great!

I don't believe it. My psychologist is here, over there!

Where?

Ms Graf! Heelllooo!

Good grief! The bed-wetter.

Who's that?

She's one of my patients.

Come on, let's get over and say hello.

Good evening, Ms Graf! What a surprise to meet you here.

What a surprise indeed.

Ms Graf? You're really called Steffi Graf?

Didn't you know?

Go on, Kerstin, get it over with.

Excuse me. There's nothing wrong with mentioning it.

I bet you're the first one to mention it.

Won't you take a seat?

Ach...

Ach... love to!

May I introduce: Tobias R*ckert, Alexander Vennemann.

Just Alex.

... and ...

Just Kerstin.

And this here is one of my dearest colleagues, Leo Krieg.

Leo, don't you wanna sit down?

Well, I was just about to ...

Leo, I beg you! You can't leave us alone with her!

We already know know one another.

Nodding acquaintance, couple of weeks ago.

Oh, the black heart, I remember.

That's impossible! He is here, too!

Why don't you at least say hello?

No way.

So how did you like tonight?

It's getting better by the minute.

Oh, yes, wonderful.

Say, have you tried what I advised you to do?

To get to grips with the problem in question that is.

Oh... yeah, yes... Thank you, it's getting better.

Maybe I'm not supposed to drink at this time of day.

Yes, might be wiser.

Cheers!

I really wanted to hit the road soon.

Fancy ... uh ... dunno ... swapping phone numbers

or something like that?

I was about to leave myself. If you like, we can go for a short stroll.

Where are you headed?

I live here in Kreuzberg. Spitting distance, really.

- If you don't mind... - No, no.

Cherubs, I have to get up early tomorrow.

Darling, so lovely of you to come along.

Speak to you tomorrow.

Speak to you tomorrow. You were first rate!

I know. Safe journey home. And don't get yourself into anything.

Good night!

- What a cut guy!

- What a cute guy! - What a lame guy.

What? I mean, quite the cock on his dunghill, don't you think?

You want some?

Honestly? I couldn't do without...

You are genuinely yourself, much more than other people I know.

Just putting up a big front.

What are you doing, jobwise?

I work at a publishing house. Translator.

Which languages?

English, French, Spanish. So what do you do?

Advertisement.

Do you like it?

I'm still not sure if this is really my place in life.

Mh. So you are still looking for your place?

Let's say I'm looking for it again.

Actually I thought I was home and dry, everything working out and all ...

... but I've somehow lost track of things.

Yes, I know it well.

I've just come out of a four-year relationship.

My girlfriend just moved out.

I see. Love of your life?

Say ... sure, I loved her - somehow.

But in a way I don't really know what love feels like.

Fancy doing something together some time or other?

Since you know my number and where I live ... I'd be glad to.

Good night.

But don't you understand, he's just about to distance

himself from women in general.

I think he's only interested in me because I am not a woman.

Well, that's a perfect starting point.

Yes, Steffi, but a negative one at that!

He wants me for NOT being a woman and NOT for being a man.

Boy oh boy, why is my love life so complicated?

Alex, you radiate too complicated vibrations.

Simplify your vibrations and your life will simplify itself.

What kind of stupid line is that?

What d'you want me to say? Just wait and see.

Wait and see?

How old are you?

Thirty.

Young enough to wait and see.

If nothing happens the next five years, phone me again.

- See you at midnight. - Yes, see you at midnight. Can't wait!

I happened to be in the area.

Thought we might have a cup of tea together

if you don't have anything else to do.

Err ... okay, sure. Come in.

When did you have your last good meal?

My last good meal?

That was at the Le Bec Fin in Wilmersdorf, went there with Kerstin.

Let me guess. You had the halibut.

Quite. I had the halibut

and Kerstin had seven Rum Cola and the phone number of the chef.

I could cook for you.

Tomato soup, juicy figs filled with Roquefort cheese ...

... for starters.

The main course would consist of a pan - fried wood pigeon,

pumpkin and a porcini mushroom cassoulet.

For dessert ...

... self - made Mousse au Chocolat

... with raspberries and hazelnut brittle.

I swear, you'll never want anybody else cooking for you.

Excuse me.

Daniel, what do you want? No, I've just got company in here.

A stranger.

No, you don't know him.

None of your business anymore.

No.

No ... no ... I'm not. Really, I'm not.

Whatever, fair enough ... Tomorrow four thirty at the ca© ... Karvana

But only for a few minutes - I've got many ... yes ...

Look, this here is pointless, tomorrow half past four,

I'll be there and we can talk.

Ok, take care. Yeah, see you. Bye.

Sorry.

No problem.

Emotional baggage?

Now, where were we?

Any plans for tonight?

Tonight I'll go dancing with Steffi, Tobi and Kerstin.

You can come along if you're up for it.

Mh. I'd rather cook for you. Although, dancing is great.

I'll leave at 11.

Does that mean we've got a date? At 11?

Perfect ...

... except for the outfit.

Yeah! Show them, Tobi!

I feel completely impulsive tonight. Everything, everything could happen!

I wanna lose my mind tonight.

I wanna wrap myself in colorful cloths and I - well - I wanna be black.

Wouldn't that be mind - blowing? I wish I was Tina Turner tonight.

Dancing with you.

If you don't let go of me, like right now, I'm gonna rip the tiny

bulb that barely lights your brain right out of your mouth.

- Ready

- Ready? - Ready.

- We are going?

- We are going? - We are.

Right off, we go. Alex will be there in half an hour.

Tobi, what happened to you?

Since you're not suffering from cataract, YOU tell ME.

Like a creature from another world.

... from a BETTER world!

Bloody dark in here.

Somehow I don't feel comfortable. Everybody stares at me.

With this haircut? You're imagining things.

What happens if they all think I'm queer?

I've never been to a gay bar before.

Then you pay them back by thinking they are all queers.

- Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello.

He said "Hello" !

What on earth could he have meant by that?

Was it more like "Hello" or rather like "Hello" ?

He said "Hello" to me!!

C'mon, nab him, Tobi!

God, we're gonna dance!

Two Gin Tonic, please.

Steffi, it's you!

Steffi, I wanna tell you something.

This isn't gonna be an embarrassing moment

that will change our friendship or is it?

No ...

What you wanna tell me?

I ... I've never had an orgasm.

Oh, I should have sounded more surprised, shouldn't I?

Yes, that would have been very nice.

Here you go. From me to you.

Steffi, thanks, but I've had enough.

In this case, I'm having that.

Tell me, is Tobi drugged up?

No - that's exactly what scares me.

Shouldn't he drink some water at least?

He's old enough.

Alex, I feel sick.

Did he drink that much?

I didn't realise.

Shit! Wanna take him to my place?

Are you sure?

It's just around the corner. Give him the spare bed.

Got Aspirin?

In the bathroom, above the basin.

I'll be right back with your keys.

- Will you manage? - I think so, yes.

Leo, can you understand what I'm saying?

Leo, I'll tuck you into bed, alright?

Hellooooo! I feel soooo sick!

No, you don't.

I feel soooo sick.

Steffi, you're really an angel.

I know. Come back soon or you'll miss the show.

What shall we do with the drunken sailor ...

Leo! This can't hurt!

- You're heavy. - I think I'm gonna puke.

No, you won't!

Yes, I will.

Where are we?

At Steffi's place.

Why?

Because you collapsed at the club.

Why?

- 'cause you had too much to drink.

- 'cause you had too much to drink. - Why?

Well, I don't know. Come on.

Come to me!

Lie down, I wanna tuck you in.

But first come to meeee ...

No, I won't.

Pleeeaaase!

No, come on, Leo, I have to go.

May I ask you something?

I want to go now.

Leo, you can ...

... you already fell asleep on our way, so ...

Pleeaase, just a little bit ...

That's looovely.

Let go of me.

I want to tuck you in.

Are you sure?

Will you undress me?

You can do that yourself, can't you?

C'mon, keep your hands to yourself.

Leo, I have to go. Lie down now.

I'm thirsty. Alex?

Undress!

Can't you do that yourself?

Alex? I feel sick!

No, you don't feel sick. You're lying down, there's no spinning...

- They have to get off.

- They have to get off. - Leo, I want to go!

Yes, afterwards!

C'mon, have another drink and then we'll undress ...

But you have to undress me.

Will you keep your hands to yourself?

I swear!

Alex? May I ask you something?

Sure, you can ask me anything.

Would you sleep with someone you don't know?

Not anymore. You?

Nnnope.

Lie down.

Lie down again, Leo.

Just a little bit ...

Leo ... you smell of booze ... Give me a break!

Am I a lion?

A real - ROAAR! - lion?

Do you want to be a lion?

Yes.

Then you are one. Leo, lie down.

Alex? I like you an awful lot.

Great evening, wasn't it?

Yes, totally.

Sweet dreams.

Are you alright?

Good Lord! What happened?

Vodka, my pal. Sparkling wine, champers and eight Spiritus Sanctus.

What's that?

White wine with two shots of double corn schnapps.

- Coffee?

- Coffee? - Please!

How are you?

How do I look like?

Why can't you be a friend and withhold the truth from me?

No way. Wanna join me?

Did Alex sleep here last night?

No, Leo.

He's having a shower.

Lord, I'm dead in hell.

Please keep your temper.

What have you got against him anyway? He's cute!

If you think it's cute that someone has had

too little oxygen while in the womb.

Tobias, please!

I don't want any trouble this morning.

I've got a king-size headache myself.

You haven't been drinking at all.

Even so! Just keep a low profile for once.

It's ok.

Roll?

Please no solid food yet. A fag will do.

Good morning

This smells lovely.

Come, sit down.

You want coffee?

Yes, thanks.

Good morning, Tobias, how are you?

Are we having a cuddle party or what?

Tobi ... there's no milk in the house.

I don't care about anything today.

Did you sleep well?

I feel splendid, I don't know why, really.

That figures.

And ... what are we doing tonight?

Actually ...

Leo ... Leolet, let me explain something ...

YOU are not part of this family, you are part of a scientific experiment.

When it's done and dusted, you must go back on top of your tree

... to show the others what you have learned.

Today is my annual bikini party.

You are not going to invite him, are you?

What's your problem?

I'l tell you what my problem is:

You know what, Tobi - you're a real stupid, daft cow.

Just ignore him - He still hasn't got the right balance in his medication.

You're talking about him or me?

Why don't you drop by around 10?

Bikinis are obligatory for everybody, though.

What? for men, too?

- A bit slow on the uptake, eh, doll?

- Especially the men, that's the whole point!

You better stay at home, not your cup of tea.

You don't feel like accompanying me

to buy any swimwear, by any chance?

There's nothing I would like more!

What have I done to deserve that? Why me?

Why me?

Sorry, took a bit longer. Have you been waiting for long?

I've been here for an hour, 'cause I couldn't wait to see you ...

What's this?

Are you serious?

No, I rephrase: What about the roses?

Don't you like them?

So - how are you?

Since you're gone I can't eat, I can't sleep...

This morning I rammed a fork into my tigh just to see

whether I was still able to feel pain

Aha.

And? You feel something?

Gee, Daniel, I don't want this.

Wait!

I've missed you so much!

The sight of you sitting on top of him ...

No, please stop it, Daniel, I don't want you to touch me!

Alex, please try and forget about the chap.

I have. It's over and I'll never do something like this again.

I made a mistake, a bad mistake, a horrible mistake and I'm sorry.

I sincerely, cordially apologise.

I mean, your ex-lovers - haven't they made any mistakes at all?

Pardon?

Sorry, it's not that important.

Daniel, I have to be going anyway, got a lot to do.

I quit script-writing. Alex, the truth is, without you, I cannot write anymore.

Without you, I cannot do anything at all!

I beg you: Come back to me! We're so good together.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Just a moment please.

Hello, sweetie pie. Just wanted to know what you're doing.

Ya ... Jasmin! Listen, I can' speak right now.

I'll call you back in five minutes, ok? Ta Ta!

My sister.

Listen, I'm dying to go to the loo. Two minutes. Don't leave.

Jasmin ...

Sod it!

What did you just call me? Jasmin? What's this all about?

Are you alright?

It's only me, Alex, remember? We have met briefly.

I interrupted your orgasm a couple of weeks ago.

Hey, what a surprise! I'm chuffed! How are you doing?

Hey, Alex, I've been thinking and ...

Where are you going? Alex, stay here!

What is it?

Are you alone?

Alone would be an understatement.

Can I come?

Daniel?

Come round. I'll cheer you up.

My stupidity beggars belief!

Excuse me. I'm a bit absent-minded today.

When I think of tonight ...

Do we really have to go there?

I can't be bothered to squeeze myself into a bikini, with all the others ...

No, there's no way around it.

We have to go. If we don't, Steffi will go ballistic.

You know, if I were a smoker, this would be

the moment to have a cigarette.

Good idea!

A spliff would come in handy now.

It's better to hold a cigarette in your hand

than o have no foothold at all.

But you've got your tea.

Steffi! That daft cow has my fags!

We're really quite buggered.

Why did I go and see Daniel, after all that's ...

Heey! You wanted to clarify things, that's normal.

The git is plainly fucked up.

Maybe you should think of him as some sort of exercise.

Perhaps ... you are ready for Mr. Right now.

Perhaps you have sown your wild oats.

Have you sown your wild oats?

Y E P !

- Must be my delivery!

- Must be my delivery! - Your sardines?

Jesus, you're quite addicted to the stuff, aren't you?

One tin a day, that's my philosophy!

It's the cock on his dunghill.

Steffi, tricky slag that she is, must have given him my address!

Tobi, you can't do that!

This means war!

You - here?

Steffi asked me to deliver Tobi's bikini for tonight.

Tell her I'll thank her face-to-face. When she's least expecting it.

Don't you want to come in?

- If I don't bother you.

- If I don't bother you. - You're always bothering me.

How primitive, even for your standarts, Tobi.

That's my hobby, dearie.

Don't listen to him.

So, how are you doing? You were a bit out of it yesterday.

I'm fine. No, really, these last three days were grand.

Wooow! This one's ultra-flamboyant!

I chose it for you.

Leolet! You're an angel indeed! I've got something for you.

- Here you are.

- Here you are. - What's that?

A suggestion for your last meal before execution written by David Lynch.

What for?

For a full stomach on the gallows.

Tobi, how many people do you want to please with this?

Well, I made two hundred copies.

Please don't take it personally. I got one, too.

I haven't the faintest idea how to cope with your gallow's humour.

Well, you don't have to. Time to leave! Ta Ta! Waving!

Tobi, you can't be all there! Are you nuts? That wasn't very helpful!

I am a lion - I am a lion ...

Ah, there you are!

And I almost thought the whole shopping tour was for nothing.

- Am I too late?

- No, no, not everyone has turned up yet.

You shouldn't have.

Come in.

Where's your bikini then?

I wear it underneath.

Chop - chop! Get undressed!

We have to take a Polaroid picture.

A what now?

Otherwise it's only half the fun.

And should one of these blokes ever get rich,

I'll have brilliant material for blackmail.

There you are! Really enchanting!

I'm feeling a bit emasculated.

You'll see, this outfit bonds different people together.

Cute! Come on!

What's happened to Tobi?

Heat and bondage, the latest craze.

I did warn him - one stupid remark and...

He preserved for exactly ten seconds.

It's a lot more comfortable.

Drinks and snacks are here.

That's gonna be Kerstin and Alex. Just a tick.

You're looking rad!

Adorable.

What a sight you are!

Cheers, I'm about t get used to it.

Fits perfectly, doesn't it?

What? Usually there's something hanging out of blokes' trousers.

But Leo seems to have stowed everything nicely.

Don't worry, she does that to everybody.

I'll go see the others.

What have you done with Tobi?

We should've done that much earlier, don't you think?

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

Promise you'll watch your venomous tongue

for the rest of the evening and I'll untie you.

Just give me a nod.

You want m to untie you? Promise you'll behave?

Have you totally lost your marbles? Chaining me up for over 4 hours?

ARE YOU MAD?

I've had enough! Bye!

Tobi, calm down. I thought you had a sense of humour!

Sense of humour? What kind of friends are you anyway?

You'll hear from my solicitor!

But you don't have a solicitor!

Not YET!

Tobi, wait! I'm sorry!

- Kerstin, what's up?

- Kerstin, what's up? - I wanted to have sex.

I wanted to have sex. Look at the time!

It's past midnight and not even a tongue in sight!

Mh ... well ... I don't know ...

Are you up for it, by any chance?

Not today, love.

Never mind. I know you fancy Alex.

Is that obvious?

Excuse me? Everybody knows that. Except for Alex, of course.

He only notices someone is coming on to him

when he is already sitting on his face.

Let me give you a little advice.

Get me a beer.

You do want sex, right?

Well, I ...

Stop babbling! Don't be a chicken, be a lion!

You do want sex! Real, virile sex!

Yes.

Alex really likes you, believe me!

Thing is, he's a bit slow. Could you open that, please?

You need to be a bit more assertive about it

if you want something to happen.

You think I should ...

Hey, this is the perfect time. Both of you are hardly dressed.

What's more, Tobi is temporarily hors de combat,

you should keep that in mind.

What has Tobi got against me, anyway?

You're a bit slow yourself, eh?

hy are you still here? Go for it!

Lion! Lion!

So you don't like men with rosy cheeks?

Don't like red noses either.

Did you enjoy yourself in the kitchen?

Yes, we had a good chat.

Alex, do you feel like dancing?

Um - yes, sure, with pleasure!

Hi. I live above you. And it's four in the morning.

You live above me?

Since when?

For about half a year now.

I can't sleep and I have to get up early tomorrow.

So I was going to ask you if you could turn down the music.

But of course. I'm really sorry.

I like your music. It's just a bit too loud.

Thanks.

Why do you have to get up early on sunday?

I work in a gym and got my first class at ten o'clock.

Can I offer you anything to get off to sleep?

Coc ... Cocoa tea?

Coc ... Cocoa tea with honey?

Hop tea?

Myself?

What a nice evening.

Yes. Great fun.

I never would've thought a bikini siuts me that well ...

Whose idea was it anyway?

Don't know.

I think Steffi and Tobi 've already been doing this before I got to know them.

How did you meet?

Oh my... That's long ago. Sometime I was sitting next to them in the cinema.

I had bought popcorn and when I started to eat Tobi took it from me.

So you were too noisy?

Yes, he said: "You get the crap back when the bullshit is over."

Afterwards we went for a beer together.

We've been seeing each other almost daily ever since.

Isn't that too much?

I never thought about it. They're my friends.

Don't get me wrong, I think that's wonderful.

I've never had this kind of friendship.

I meet most of my friends only a couple of times a year.

You've been on the move.

True. Maybe I'm simply a loner.

I don't know. I feel at ease with you guys.

Despite Tobi?

It takes a while to get used to Tobi.

Back then I kept on asking myself

what the bloke's got against me for weeks.

Until I realised: That's Tobi. That's the way he is.

Know what, I appreciate it very much being alone with you.

Would you be appalled

if I told you that I'd like to kiss you?

Yes. I would say "Keep your greasy hands off me"

We're really good at sex. We should go on tour with this.

Rather not. My mum would be sitting in the front row.

And now?

Now I'm going to have a shower.

No, I mean what are we doing with ourselves now?

You choose.

What's that supposed to mean?

Leo, I like you. You think I wouldn't be here if I didn't?

Thing is ...

... I am coming out of a long relationship

and the last thing I want is a new one.

Wow. That's rough.

Please don't get me wrong.

What is there to get wrong?

Why don't we just wait and see?

Alex, I want all or nothing. End of story.

What does that mean now?

He's got a breadmachine at home, with which he can make bread!

He's even got a whole grain shredding machine which grinds grain into flour-

and he got up at three in the morning to make rolls for me and coffee!

Steffi, honey! there you are!

Steffi! At last!

Aaah, what a beautiful summer! I feel inspired.

Sit down. I'll buy drinks for everyone today.

Say, how are you? Had a good day? How are things in your psycho office?

I haven't got a clue what this is all about, but it scares me

and I want to know what's up right away.

He's had sex.

Oh, has another year passed already?

Ugh! Sarcasms oozing from your mouth

like brimstone from a volcanic crack.

Uuuuh, you've been polishing that sentence for quite a while, eh?

Right! I've wanted to get this off my chest some time.

So? Who's the one responsible for your rejuvenation?

There you are, my little hot bunny. I've missed you.

Those were the longest five minutes of my life.

Next time I'll come with you.

Fantastic idea ...

Tell me I'm dreaming.

We seem to have the same dream.

Hi, Steffi, I'm Philipp.

Hi, Philipp. I'm surprised.

I've been watching you quite often,

so I'm really chuffed to get to know you at last.

Tobi and I would like to raise glasses. Want some sparkling wine?

No, cheers, I stick with water.

come on!

Seriously!

See this?

These bars stand for six years of being clean.

No alcohol and drugs for six years.

Kudos to you!

I didn't know that.

I always thought it was the number of her ex-boyfriends.

No, seriously. If I only drink a skip of sparkling wine, I'll be

licking the waiter's arse at the end of the evening,

only to buy speed with his tips.

More sparkling wine?

We'll have another bottle.

And another small mineral water, please.

No, you hang up first.

No, you!

No, you!

You're still there.

This is a nightmare.

You old romantic, you!

You silly boy, you live above me, so why don't you come down?

Right, I'll hang up now.

Yes, can do.

Ok, I count to three ...

Then we hang up at the same time.

One ...

... Two ...

... Two and a half ...

Did you hang up?

Missing you!

He's just had a shower.

Yesterday, he brought me flowers.

Yeah, very nice, Tobi.

He brought me flowers ... from a FLOWER SHOP!

You got a screw loose? Don't you realise that Alex is miserable?

Alex? Look Alex, I thought of something.

You're sabotaging your own happiness - UH!

This is really gormless - UH!

Tobi - you've just rhymed happiness with gormless.

I'm still developing.

And you're stupid! Don't forget you're stupid!

He's got already your key to the flat?

Tobi's gonna have a shag! Tobi's gonna have a shag!

Blimey! Stop it, will you?!

Right, emergency meeting.

Has Alex blown it with Leo?

Do you have to tell him everything?

Just ignore him.

Alex, let me tell you something ...

You go first, sweety pie.

Alex, love is like a butterfly.

If you push too hard, it dies.

- And if you don't push it at all, it flies away.

I'm gonna be sick.

Alex, for me in a solid relationship ...

Tobi, you've been in a solid relationship for seven days!

So what? That's about seven times as long

as the average homosexual over 25 in this city!

You're over 25?

Oh ... naughty boy!

In the past, I used to go duck shooting every sunday

with my dad and the dogs.

And every time we came home without any ducks.

Then we realised we hadn't tossed the dogs high enough.

Tobi, I hope this story has a punch line.

What I wanna say is this:

Love is like duck shooting,

you only have to toss your dogs high enough.

Tobi - You're completely bonkers!

Looks like this is a case for ...

SUPER-TOBI!

What are you doing here? Get lost!

Shut your face! If you can get addresses, so can I.

Pretty fashionable here, a real fat cat flat.

What do you want? I really ...

Which part of "shut your face" didn't you understand?

Sit down, we have to talk.

So ... Leo, I don't like you.

You're a strange little man, the gap between your incisors is way too big ...

... and I think you smell funny.

Still, Alex wants you, so you go there now to make him happy.

Otherwise I will iron the wrinkles of your anus with this.

And I don't like tenderness. Got me?

GOT ME?

Yes, iron the wrinkles of my anus.

So, get up! Go to Alex.

Leo, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean what I said.

Would you please shut up now?

Like the taste of his tonsils, Leo?

Oh, don't take any notice of me, go on.

I promise I won't feel up myself.

Tobi, if you don't get lost at once,

you'll have to pick up your teeth with broken fingers.

There you are. You're learning.

Has someone find the lion in himself?

Very sexy.

... and that's just the beginning.