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1
00:00:30,860 --> 00:00:34,260
Greetings not from Tromaville.
2
00:00:34,260 --> 00:00:37,150
We were trying to
think long and hard
3
00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:41,090
About a hellish place in
which to open our little film.
4
00:00:41,090 --> 00:00:44,690
A cold, empty,
and soulless place
5
00:00:44,690 --> 00:00:47,810
That only the damned call home.
6
00:00:47,810 --> 00:00:51,400
Yes, it's a land whose
inhabitants willingly allow
7
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,450
Their bodies to be
surgically altered
8
00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:59,890
And their minds steam cleaned
of all emotion and humanity.
9
00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:03,080
And what is this metropolis
of the living dead?
10
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,920
What is this hell where all
souls are sold for a car
11
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:09,140
And a good looking suit?
12
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:14,150
It's... it's... it's Hollywood.
13
00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:15,530
Yes, it's Hollywood.
14
00:01:15,530 --> 00:01:17,900
Home of the glamorous
$150 million
15
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:20,700
Movie about a giant
talking kangaroo.
16
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:22,400
Hooray for Hollywood!
17
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,810
But at this very moment,
many, many, many multiplexes
18
00:01:25,810 --> 00:01:28,650
Are being built for
fewer and fewer films.
19
00:01:28,650 --> 00:01:29,600
But never fear.
20
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:33,050
There is always a small cadre
of hard working people who
21
00:01:33,050 --> 00:01:35,010
Are going to change
things, who are fighting
22
00:01:35,010 --> 00:01:37,540
The good fight for independent
art, who are fighting
23
00:01:37,540 --> 00:01:39,360
For independent cinema.
24
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,960
Those artists who are protecting
our freedom of choice,
25
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,690
Our freedom of art,
our freedom of emotion.
26
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:49,190
People like... like... like...
Like... why, it's James Gunn!
27
00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:50,150
James!
28
00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:53,740
James... James is the
writer of Troma's
29
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:58,490
Highly subversive $350,000
movie, Tromeo and Juliet.
30
00:01:58,490 --> 00:02:00,280
A true... a true idealist.
31
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:01,720
How's it hanging, brother?
32
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:02,630
Lloyd, it's going great.
33
00:02:02,630 --> 00:02:03,910
I've been looking
all over for you.
34
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,960
The people at the Red Roof Inn
told me you were over here.
35
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,690
So listen, here's the thing.
36
00:02:08,690 --> 00:02:12,090
I have been really,
really happy since I moved
37
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,990
To Hollywood because
I did the niftiest,
38
00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:15,660
Neatest, coolest thing.
39
00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:17,750
I totally sold my soul to Satan.
40
00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:19,250
I had to kill a
young child to do it,
41
00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:21,310
But it's awesome because
ever since I've done it,
42
00:02:21,310 --> 00:02:22,800
I've been totally rich.
43
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,420
I made Scooby Doo.
44
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,850
I've got two more movies going
into production in April.
45
00:02:26,850 --> 00:02:29,280
What's one kid when it
comes to all my talent
46
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,730
That I have to share
with the world?
47
00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:32,660
People say bad things
about the Dark Lord.
48
00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,120
I think he is a
sweet and swell guy.
49
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,590
So anyway, I just got a new
deal with Disney to create
50
00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:41,370
A movie called Phlegm Wallaby.
51
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:47,400
About a jive talking, rapping
wallaby made of phlegm.
52
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,670
Everyone I tell it to laughs
so hard at everything I say.
53
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,410
In fact, when I talk,
people are pretty much
54
00:02:52,410 --> 00:02:54,910
Laughing all the time... ever
since I sold my soul to Satan.
55
00:02:54,910 --> 00:02:57,820
And anyway... praise
Satan... I would like
56
00:02:57,820 --> 00:03:01,170
To fulfill my dream project.
57
00:03:01,170 --> 00:03:04,330
And tell us about your
dream project, James.
58
00:03:04,330 --> 00:03:06,510
It's called Et tu, America.
59
00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:08,910
It's a story about
Irish immigrants coming
60
00:03:08,910 --> 00:03:11,510
Into the United States
in the early 1900s
61
00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,360
And having to face
the harsh realities
62
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,270
Of our great, great nation.
63
00:03:15,270 --> 00:03:17,160
They also happen
to be jive talking.
64
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,090
It stars Meryl
Streep and Sean Penn.
65
00:03:20,090 --> 00:03:21,990
And I found something
really... is that Prada?
66
00:03:21,990 --> 00:03:24,140
I think I wore the same thing
to the Oscar's last year,
67
00:03:24,140 --> 00:03:25,000
Only in red.
68
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,840
Oh, by the way, this is
my assistant, Elizabeth.
69
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,090
I mean, I call her my assistant.
70
00:03:28,090 --> 00:03:30,270
Really, she's just a
girl I have sex with.
71
00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:31,960
And I pass her around
from friend to friend.
72
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,810
Sucks a mean cock.
She's a sweetheart.
73
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:36,980
Aw, you made the
short list, Lloyd.
74
00:03:36,980 --> 00:03:38,590
The short list of directors!
75
00:03:38,590 --> 00:03:43,390
What she's telling you is
that they want you and I want
76
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:47,720
You to direct the $200
million Universal epic
77
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,240
Film, Et tu, America.
78
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:54,010
Lloyd, what do you say?
79
00:03:54,010 --> 00:03:55,380
I am not Lloyd.
80
00:03:55,380 --> 00:03:57,650
I am the Crap Keeper.
81
00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:02,220
You can have the
titles read however
82
00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:03,710
You want... directed
by the Crap Keeper.
83
00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,430
That's perfectly fine.
84
00:04:05,430 --> 00:04:08,880
So Crap Keeper, would you
like to direct this movie,
85
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,340
Make my day?
86
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,770
All you have to do
is kill a little kid.
87
00:04:12,770 --> 00:04:13,870
It's great.
88
00:04:13,870 --> 00:04:14,770
Will you do it?
89
00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:20,450
We at Troma abide by
the words of Shakespeare
90
00:04:20,450 --> 00:04:22,570
To thine own self be true.
91
00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:25,560
Whether it's 200 million,
400 million, a billion,
92
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:26,780
A kazillion.
93
00:04:26,780 --> 00:04:27,790
It doesn't matter.
94
00:04:27,790 --> 00:04:30,440
We do things that are
of great significance
95
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,060
To the heart and the soul.
96
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:34,080
Idealism is what we're about.
97
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,310
And now, we're going to present
something far more important
98
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:39,670
Than Meryl Streep or Sean Penn.
99
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:40,600
We're going to present...
100
00:04:44,990 --> 00:04:46,460
[FARTING]
Oah!
101
00:04:52,810 --> 00:04:54,820
Tales from the Crapper.
102
00:04:58,710 --> 00:05:00,300
Hey, uh, James?
103
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,500
You know, I didn't
want you anyway.
104
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:02,710
Meryl wanted you.
I didn't.
105
00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:03,510
I wanted Chris Columbus.
106
00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,080
He'd do a much better job.
107
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,090
You suck as a director.
108
00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:07,040
Everybody thinks so.
109
00:05:11,150 --> 00:05:16,650
Well, why don't we watch
our first mind bending story?
110
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,140
Ow!
What the hell's wrong with you?
111
00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:20,810
Goddammit.
Jeez.
112
00:05:56,140 --> 00:05:57,640
JOSEPH (VOICEOVER): Do
you want to know about
113
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,280
The night that changed my life?
114
00:06:06,690 --> 00:06:10,090
My name is Joseph
Deluca, the Third.
115
00:06:10,090 --> 00:06:11,380
That's me.
116
00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:15,190
Gentleman club barker by
night, aspiring Ashtanga yoga
117
00:06:15,190 --> 00:06:17,370
Instructor by day.
118
00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:19,270
It started out as
a typical evening.
119
00:06:19,270 --> 00:06:23,390
Me on the street, craving
a hearty bowl of guacamole.
120
00:06:23,390 --> 00:06:24,860
But something caught my eye.
121
00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:28,120
[EXPLOSION]
122
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,330
It looked like a giant
bowl of guacamole
123
00:06:30,330 --> 00:06:32,380
Flying in the night sky.
124
00:06:32,380 --> 00:06:34,850
At first, I thought
it was a hallucination
125
00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:37,730
Brought on by the AIDS
cocktail I was taking.
126
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,590
But then it crash landed
and I knew it was real.
127
00:06:40,590 --> 00:06:43,710
I remember something my
dear old Da' once told me.
128
00:06:43,710 --> 00:06:48,980
Son, he said, if aliens should
ever crash land in Los Angeles,
129
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:51,250
Be sure to try some
of their guacamole.
130
00:06:51,250 --> 00:06:54,150
Supposedly, they have the best.
131
00:06:54,150 --> 00:06:55,710
But there was a fire.
132
00:06:55,710 --> 00:06:57,400
And I thought, oh no.
133
00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,120
I hope the guacamole is
not burnt to a crisp.
134
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,900
I had to investigate further.
135
00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:04,510
I could smell the guacamole.
136
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:05,500
There it was.
137
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,570
A light shining through.
138
00:07:07,570 --> 00:07:09,410
Hello?
139
00:07:09,410 --> 00:07:11,250
[ALIEN SOUNDS]
140
00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:13,400
Are you all right?
141
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:17,590
If you are OK, may I trouble
you for some guacamole?
142
00:07:17,590 --> 00:07:18,560
Ahhh!
143
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,480
[SCREAMING]
144
00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:28,300
[ALIEN SOUNDS]
145
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,080
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
146
00:07:58,310 --> 00:08:01,310
Lesbian Hoedown!
147
00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:06,090
TV NARRATOR: We
interrupt the Cannibal
148
00:08:06,090 --> 00:08:09,110
Lesbian Hoedown to bring you
this special news bulletin.
149
00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:11,220
This just in.
Spaceship lands in Los Angeles.
150
00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:11,920
E!
151
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,700
News Daily rolls
out the red carpet
152
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,170
And no one seems to care.
153
00:08:15,170 --> 00:08:16,300
You know who I like?
154
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:17,520
That Steve Kmetko.
155
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,000
- He is hilarious.
- Isn't he funny?
156
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,060
He's an improv wizard.
157
00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:22,700
I'd say actually he's
more of an improv sorcerer.
158
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:25,240
And I would go one further
and call him an improv merlin.
159
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,480
SAM (VOICEOVER): This
is where I come in.
160
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:32,640
That's me.
161
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,500
Sam Black, Private Dick.
162
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:38,170
I was hired to find out
what happened to Joe.
163
00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:41,430
And I had a hunch that it all
led to the Shimmering Beaver.
164
00:08:41,430 --> 00:08:46,460
I had to be stealthy like
a fart in a thunderstorm.
165
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:47,560
Ya!
166
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,520
SAM (VOICEOVER): But
that was easy for me
167
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,150
Because subtlety
was my middle name.
168
00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:53,200
Fuckin' A!
169
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,080
Bring on the bitches!
170
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,610
SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon
as she walked up on stage,
171
00:08:58,610 --> 00:09:02,240
I knew she was trouble
with a capital P!
172
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,200
Ya!
173
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:08,210
SAM (VOICEOVER): And
ending with an U-S-S-Y.
174
00:09:08,210 --> 00:09:11,480
She had a pair of gams that
would make you want to kneel
175
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,750
Down and thank the
good Lord the glory
176
00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:16,980
Hole at the YMCA was nothing
but a bitter aftertaste.
177
00:09:22,410 --> 00:09:26,210
It didn't take long for yours
truly to see this dame was all
178
00:09:26,210 --> 00:09:27,540
Class.
179
00:09:27,540 --> 00:09:30,500
Yep, she reminded me of
my mother, all right.
180
00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:31,670
Ya!
Ya!
181
00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:33,010
Ya!
182
00:09:33,010 --> 00:09:34,580
SAM (VOICEOVER): This
was the kind of dame that
183
00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:37,750
Makes man wish he was
born a shiny strip club
184
00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:42,460
Pole instead of being little
Shlomo Wilonsky, a rusty Pole
185
00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:43,490
From Warsaw.
186
00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:45,100
ANNOUNCER: All right,
put your hands together.
187
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:47,720
Get your dollars out for Sandra.
188
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,980
SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon
as she walked up on stage,
189
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:54,560
I could tell she was trouble
starting with a capital C.
190
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,740
Ya!
191
00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:59,000
SAM (VOICEOVER): And
ending with a U-N-T.
192
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,090
This little piglet
had a set of honey
193
00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:04,380
Glazed ham hocks that would
make even the Rabbi Goldberg ram
194
00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:08,380
His milk filled matzo balls
into her steamy rump of pork
195
00:10:08,380 --> 00:10:09,660
And call it kosher.
196
00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:11,630
Ya!
197
00:10:11,630 --> 00:10:12,580
Ya!
198
00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:14,710
SAM (VOICEOVER): Real kosher.
199
00:10:14,710 --> 00:10:16,180
Yeah.
200
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,430
She was just like my donkey.
201
00:10:18,430 --> 00:10:19,350
Woo!
202
00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:21,670
Yeah!
203
00:10:21,670 --> 00:10:22,670
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.
204
00:10:22,670 --> 00:10:25,450
Now on the stage is Larry.
205
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,850
SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as I
saw the bulge in her panties,
206
00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:30,250
I could tell this bimbo
was hiding more than just
207
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:32,510
Weapons of mass destruction.
208
00:10:32,510 --> 00:10:34,660
She had more shaft
than Richard Roundtree
209
00:10:34,660 --> 00:10:37,520
And Samuel L. Jackson combined.
210
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,110
Yep, she reminded me of
Burt Reynolds, all right.
211
00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:43,340
Get ready, Mr. Happy.
212
00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:45,640
Get ready for takeoff!
213
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,080
Ya!
214
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,300
SAM (VOICEOVER):
I had my hand grip
215
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,910
Firmly on my pistol,
the knowledge I might
216
00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:52,650
Have to open fire any minute.
217
00:10:52,650 --> 00:10:53,610
Shoot.
218
00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:55,470
Just ready to shoot.
219
00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:57,160
Ya!
220
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,920
Give you all of it, baby.
221
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,190
Ya!
222
00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:02,530
[SPLOOSHING]
223
00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:04,370
BARGOER: Hey, that
old guy's jerking off!
224
00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:06,540
[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "I DON'T
KNOW"]
225
00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:09,690
Ya!
Get canned!
226
00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:17,970
SAM (VOICEOVER): But that
wouldn't stop me from getting
227
00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,020
To the bottom of this case.
228
00:11:20,020 --> 00:11:21,560
No, sirree.
229
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,460
Sometimes a little surveillance
can be just as effective.
230
00:11:28,650 --> 00:11:30,570
Oh, baby.
231
00:11:30,570 --> 00:11:31,830
Yeah.
232
00:11:31,830 --> 00:11:32,660
SAM (VOICEOVER): Yep.
233
00:11:32,660 --> 00:11:35,080
Nothing beats a good stakeout.
234
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:39,740
And I had my stakeout and I
was beating it real good, see?
235
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,230
I had to tenderize the meat.
236
00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:42,020
Ah.
237
00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:44,080
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
Ah!
238
00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:58,520
Huh?
No!
239
00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:12,960
[CROWD CHEERING]
240
00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:17,440
Watch the hair.
241
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,490
That's my chair.
242
00:12:22,490 --> 00:12:23,520
Not your seat.
243
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,450
I don't see where it
says asshole seat.
244
00:12:26,450 --> 00:12:28,510
Beat it, bitch.
245
00:12:28,510 --> 00:12:30,130
You're in my chair.
246
00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:38,620
Now you've got the AIDS, baby.
247
00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:40,630
Oh, shoot, princess.
248
00:12:40,630 --> 00:12:42,470
Oh, my god.
249
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,390
Get back here,
bitch, with that bag.
250
00:12:44,390 --> 00:12:45,970
Where did you get that?
251
00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:48,190
I must have it.
252
00:12:48,190 --> 00:12:50,170
Don't you worry, baby.
253
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,600
You'll get yours.
254
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,540
Ow!
255
00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:54,160
Now my wrist is really limp.
256
00:13:03,510 --> 00:13:05,480
Oh man.
257
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,430
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
258
00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:24,540
Ah!
259
00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:27,920
Aw yeah.
260
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:28,890
Turn around.
261
00:13:35,550 --> 00:13:36,250
Ah!
262
00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:43,900
[SCREAMING]
263
00:13:55,630 --> 00:13:56,790
How about some breakfast, honey?
264
00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:09,510
Hey.
265
00:14:09,510 --> 00:14:11,050
You're in some mood
this morning, huh?
266
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,230
I do think I need
some therapy, so...
267
00:14:13,230 --> 00:14:13,940
Oh, no.
268
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,290
You're fine, really.
269
00:14:15,290 --> 00:14:16,150
Are you sure?
270
00:14:16,150 --> 00:14:18,360
I'm a little bit touched.
No.
271
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,530
Really, you're fine.
272
00:14:19,530 --> 00:14:22,470
I tell you, who's ever
responsible for these murders
273
00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:24,320
Is a sick bastard.
274
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,580
I need to be on
this case with you.
275
00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:28,720
I'm sick of being on the B.
276
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,560
You love it.
277
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,180
Hey, I'll read your reports.
278
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:33,180
You and your partner love
that street violence stuff.
279
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:35,130
Yeah, well not as much
as you love working
280
00:14:35,130 --> 00:14:37,670
Undercover at a strip bar.
281
00:14:37,670 --> 00:14:39,720
Well, maybe if
you were stripping.
282
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:40,810
You'd love it anyway.
283
00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:42,430
All those little
titties bouncing around
284
00:14:42,430 --> 00:14:44,220
And those G-strings
in your face.
285
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,330
Don't give me any trouble.
286
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:47,460
Well, it does have
its pros and cons.
287
00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:49,560
Lots of peaks and valleys,
if you know what I mean.
288
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:50,910
Mhm.
289
00:14:50,910 --> 00:14:52,370
You know what I can't
understand, though?
290
00:14:52,370 --> 00:14:55,520
Is why Chief Doublestump
won't put me on this case.
291
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,010
I think that thing
is his pants is really
292
00:14:57,010 --> 00:14:58,190
Screwing with this brain.
293
00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:00,520
What do you think
that really is?
294
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:04,820
Well, honestly, I think
the man has two penises.
295
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:05,520
Wow.
296
00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:11,600
TV NARRATOR: We
interrupt the Cannibal
297
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,930
Lesbian Hoedown to bring you
this special news bulletin.
298
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:15,920
Good morning.
299
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:20,410
This is Sally Smirks, reporting
to you live from downtown.
300
00:15:20,410 --> 00:15:22,300
It is rumored that
yet another strip club
301
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,030
Murder occurred last night.
302
00:15:24,030 --> 00:15:27,130
Chief Doublestump did say that
he has no intentions of closing
303
00:15:27,130 --> 00:15:29,650
Down any part of
downtown, claiming that he
304
00:15:29,650 --> 00:15:32,210
Has the killer in his sight.
305
00:15:32,210 --> 00:15:33,110
Yeah, right.
306
00:15:33,110 --> 00:15:36,880
Taking all the credit
for your hard work.
307
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:37,840
You know?
308
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,130
I've got a hunch
about this other club.
309
00:15:40,130 --> 00:15:42,630
I'm going to go check it out.
310
00:15:42,630 --> 00:15:44,960
You be safe, bunny.
311
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,900
I love you.
312
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,810
[SLURPING SOUNDS]
313
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:53,210
Bye.
Thanks.
314
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:54,510
Thank you.
315
00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:56,630
BRUCE (VOICEOVER): And
this is where I come in.
316
00:15:56,630 --> 00:16:01,800
Bruce Kugan, professional badass
and All-American pussy magnet.
317
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,880
After a long day
of whooping ass,
318
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,920
There's nothing I like better
than straddling my hot hog
319
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,860
And going over to
the Shimmering Clam
320
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:10,900
For some down and
dirty poontang.
321
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,870
There's Chang, always
asking me for the password.
322
00:16:13,870 --> 00:16:17,070
I got your password right
here, buddy old Chang.
323
00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:18,160
Course he lets me in.
324
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,700
What do you think
about that killer?
325
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,390
Stop trying to
change the subject!
326
00:16:22,390 --> 00:16:25,560
It's still $50 to
lick my stinkhole.
327
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,260
Hey, man.
328
00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:28,130
Can I get a beer over
here or what, ma'am?
329
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:31,930
Ugh.
330
00:16:31,930 --> 00:16:32,830
What is up with this place?
331
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:35,600
It's dead.
332
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,570
Hey, sweet cheeks.
333
00:16:36,570 --> 00:16:40,170
How about a dance over here?
334
00:16:40,170 --> 00:16:44,140
[MUSIC PLAYING]
335
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,130
Oh, let's see what we got here.
336
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,120
Oh.
337
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,110
Play with that pole for Brucey.
338
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:55,080
You're gonna get naked, right?
Mhm.
339
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,070
Oh.
340
00:16:56,070 --> 00:16:57,060
Oh, yeah.
341
00:16:57,060 --> 00:16:58,060
There we go.
342
00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:59,050
Yeah.
343
00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:00,050
Oh yeah, baby.
344
00:17:00,050 --> 00:17:01,540
Oh!
There we go.
345
00:17:01,540 --> 00:17:03,520
Take it off for daddy.
OK.
346
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,350
That's a little bit better.
347
00:17:05,350 --> 00:17:06,970
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
348
00:17:06,970 --> 00:17:08,140
Turn it on for daddy.
349
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:10,470
Makin' my cock real hard.
350
00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:12,200
Makin' it...
351
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,200
[FARTING SOUNDS]
Damn!
352
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,910
I gotta piss.
353
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:19,450
When I come back, I
want the best lap dance
354
00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:23,450
Ten bucks is gonna get me.
Oh.
355
00:17:23,450 --> 00:17:24,860
Oh, jeez.
356
00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:26,280
Oh, god.
357
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:27,220
Oh.
358
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,210
Oh, here it is.
359
00:17:28,210 --> 00:17:29,150
Oh.
360
00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:30,100
Oh, god.
361
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,510
Oh, it burns!
362
00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:32,460
Oh, the stones!
363
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,350
Oh, I should have
brought my strainer.
364
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:35,300
Oh, my god.
365
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,000
It just...
366
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,680
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
367
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,110
Oh, you brute.
You brute.
368
00:17:39,110 --> 00:17:42,020
Stop it, you... Agh.
369
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:47,020
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
370
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,450
Chief Doublestump!
371
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:57,450
Chief Doublestump,
it's Sally Smirks.
372
00:17:57,450 --> 00:17:59,540
Whoa whoa whoa.
Hey, what are you doing here?
373
00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:01,940
I heard that there was another
strip club murder in this bar
374
00:18:01,940 --> 00:18:04,870
Last night and my public
wants to know why Sergeant
375
00:18:04,870 --> 00:18:06,460
Ivanna isn't on the case.
376
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,620
I have no comment about
that and I have no comment
377
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:09,950
About Sergeant Ivanna.
378
00:18:09,950 --> 00:18:12,450
Everyone knows, Chief
Doublestump, including you,
379
00:18:12,450 --> 00:18:13,980
That Sergeant Ivanna
is the toughest
380
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:16,030
Crime fighter in this city.
381
00:18:16,030 --> 00:18:17,360
If you want to keep
on pushing this,
382
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,710
We can maybe go
over there and talk
383
00:18:18,710 --> 00:18:20,030
About this a little in private.
384
00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,010
You know what I'm saying?
385
00:18:22,010 --> 00:18:23,960
Doublestump, why do you
have to always do that.
386
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,400
Every time I come up
here to interview you.
387
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,120
- C'mon, huh?
- No.
388
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:31,290
This is Sally Smirk with
Action 6 News, signing off.
389
00:18:31,290 --> 00:18:32,990
[FARTING SOUNDS]
390
00:18:32,990 --> 00:18:35,260
You need to holster
your weapon there, Chief.
391
00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:37,130
I don't want to hear it, Popo.
392
00:18:37,130 --> 00:18:38,120
She's right, sir.
393
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,560
Ivanna is the
toughest cop in town.
394
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,990
Why isn't she on the case?
395
00:18:40,990 --> 00:18:42,690
You still don't get
why that loose cannon
396
00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:45,710
Isn't part of this
extremely sensitive case?
397
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:48,490
First of all, she
can't arrest anybody
398
00:18:48,490 --> 00:18:49,990
Without breaking them down.
399
00:18:49,990 --> 00:18:51,490
Maybe that's what
this town needs.
400
00:18:51,490 --> 00:18:55,230
Shut up, Popo.
Let me explain.
401
00:18:55,230 --> 00:18:56,190
A serial rapist...
402
00:18:56,190 --> 00:18:58,050
Yeah, how do you like this?
403
00:18:58,050 --> 00:18:59,800
They're gonna give
it to ya good.
404
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,960
Ooh.
Here comes the hammer.
405
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,920
Get ready for a good...
406
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,870
[SCREAMING]
407
00:19:05,870 --> 00:19:07,620
I'll see ya later, bitch.
Freeze!
408
00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:08,810
Freeze!
You'll never catch me.
409
00:19:08,810 --> 00:19:10,280
I will shoot you.
410
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,740
I will shoot you.
Get up against the wall.
411
00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,210
Right now.
She was just um-
412
00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:15,170
[INAUDIBLE]
413
00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:16,630
Check him real hard on.
414
00:19:16,630 --> 00:19:17,460
Whoa!
415
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:18,660
I smelled that,
you son of a bitch.
416
00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:19,760
What do you think
you're pulling?
417
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:20,630
She was raping me!
418
00:19:20,630 --> 00:19:21,420
Get on the ground!
419
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:22,350
On the ground now!
420
00:19:22,350 --> 00:19:24,030
Hands on your head!
421
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,030
Do you know who my father is?
422
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:26,500
Get down!
Stay down!
423
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:28,470
Hands above your head!
Get down!
424
00:19:28,470 --> 00:19:30,430
Stay down!
425
00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:31,900
She was asking for it.
426
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,380
They fucking deserved it!
427
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:34,850
Fuck you, asshole!
428
00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:36,320
I'll show you...
429
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,290
Don't you ever do
that to a woman!
430
00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:39,270
You tell him!
431
00:19:39,270 --> 00:19:40,250
You're a bad man!
432
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:41,720
You don't have to rape!
433
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,200
You go to jail!
434
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,720
Forever.
Son of a bitch.
435
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,510
I'll show you what
it feels like.
436
00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:47,400
[SPLOOGING]
437
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,500
[SCREAMING]
438
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:50,480
Oh.
439
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,940
Oh, yeah.
Lube it up.
440
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,310
Enough of this.
441
00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:58,090
Clean up our city.
442
00:19:58,090 --> 00:19:59,900
No more rapes.
443
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,460
Nobody gets away
with shit over here.
444
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:02,480
You understand?
445
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,830
Yeah.
446
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:05,890
All that working out
is paying off, man.
447
00:20:05,890 --> 00:20:06,590
I'm telling you.
448
00:20:06,590 --> 00:20:07,960
It's all paying off now.
449
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,220
Ain't nobody gonna get away
with murder around here.
450
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:11,300
I'm badass.
451
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:14,060
[GUNSHOTS]
Kick 'em.
452
00:20:14,060 --> 00:20:14,910
I'm gonna stop 'em.
453
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,580
[GUNSHOTS]
454
00:20:19,580 --> 00:20:21,150
Get an ambulance.
455
00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:22,370
Maybe I was a little rough.
456
00:20:22,370 --> 00:20:23,530
Yeah, she caught the guy.
457
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:25,370
That was a good bit of
police work from all I hear.
458
00:20:25,370 --> 00:20:26,070
Right.
459
00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,590
Stuffed an orange
cone up his ass.
460
00:20:27,590 --> 00:20:29,590
He's in the hospital bleeding
out of the rectum right now.
461
00:20:29,590 --> 00:20:30,210
Lawsuits.
462
00:20:30,210 --> 00:20:31,620
You know, everybody
makes a mistake once.
463
00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,980
Right.
464
00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:35,120
Purse snatcher?
465
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,200
She got that guy, too.
466
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,360
Gimme that purse, you bitch.
467
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:40,850
Hi-ya!
Ah!
468
00:20:40,850 --> 00:20:42,340
Take that, you bitch.
469
00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:44,830
[POLICE SIRENS]
470
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:48,320
Freeze!
471
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,310
Yow!
472
00:20:50,310 --> 00:20:51,310
Ow!
473
00:20:51,310 --> 00:20:53,300
Son of a bitch!
474
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,290
Taste of your own
medicine, you cock sucker!
475
00:20:55,290 --> 00:20:56,290
Want to eat my ass?
476
00:20:56,290 --> 00:20:57,780
Wanna eat my gun?
477
00:20:57,780 --> 00:20:59,770
What the hell do you think
you're doing in my city, huh?
478
00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:00,770
That was my purse.
479
00:21:00,770 --> 00:21:02,540
How dare you do that to people.
480
00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:03,270
She stole it from me.
481
00:21:03,270 --> 00:21:05,480
Cocksucker piece of shit!
Ow!
482
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,570
Get on your stomach.
483
00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:07,960
Take me to a hospital.
484
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,480
Whatever you do, don't stick
your nightstick in my wound.
485
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,680
Give it to me, baby.
486
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,180
Ow!
487
00:21:16,180 --> 00:21:18,180
Ow!
488
00:21:18,180 --> 00:21:20,630
God.
489
00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:23,840
Whatever you do, don't
stick a gun up my ass.
490
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,460
Ow!
[GUNSHOTS]
491
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,390
[SPLOOGING]
492
00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:31,860
[GUNSHOTS]
493
00:21:31,860 --> 00:21:33,340
Uh oh.
494
00:21:33,340 --> 00:21:35,100
Another one bites the dust.
Woo hoo!
495
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:36,100
Woo!
496
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,580
Call the meat
wagon, cocksucker.
497
00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:41,070
[GUNSHOTS]
498
00:21:41,070 --> 00:21:42,060
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
499
00:21:42,060 --> 00:21:43,550
Fucking rule the city, bitch.
500
00:21:43,550 --> 00:21:44,840
Yes, we showed him.
[GUNSHOTS]
501
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:45,540
[MAN SCREAMS]
502
00:21:45,540 --> 00:21:47,540
Get some more boogie
going downtown.
503
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:51,110
Keep it safe in my
place out of my face.
504
00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:53,600
Gimme some space.
505
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,270
- Emptied her clip in his ass.
- Twice.
506
00:21:57,270 --> 00:21:58,610
It's a tough town.
507
00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:00,680
Now she's not going to
come near this case.
508
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,510
So where is she?
509
00:22:01,510 --> 00:22:03,360
She's on ice.
510
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,860
Traffic detail downtown.
511
00:22:05,860 --> 00:22:09,190
She's not going to get
in any trouble there.
512
00:22:09,190 --> 00:22:18,650
[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "LOOK AT
YOUR SON NOW"]
513
00:22:32,930 --> 00:22:33,920
ANNOUNCER: OK, guys.
514
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,890
Up to the stage now is Larry.
515
00:22:49,250 --> 00:22:49,950
Popo.
516
00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:51,500
[INAUDIBLE] What
are you doing, huh?
517
00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:57,220
We are not discussing
the details of this case,
518
00:22:57,220 --> 00:22:59,870
But I assure you that
we are closer than ever
519
00:22:59,870 --> 00:23:02,250
And doing everything we can to
bring this sick son of a bitch
520
00:23:02,250 --> 00:23:04,620
To justice.
521
00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:07,820
All I can say is that we have
the best people on the case
522
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:09,040
And there is no reason to panic.
523
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,390
No, no, no.
524
00:23:14,390 --> 00:23:17,200
If anything, the nightlife
is livelier than ever.
525
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,520
That's it.
Get out of here.
526
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,820
The interview is over.
527
00:23:19,820 --> 00:23:22,530
Takin' you to jail.
528
00:23:22,530 --> 00:23:25,000
[FARTING SOUNDS]
529
00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:43,090
Oh!
530
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:48,860
Ooh.
531
00:23:58,870 --> 00:24:00,860
[CROWD CHEERING]
532
00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:01,940
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.
533
00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:04,180
Up to the stage now is Ginger.
534
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,460
Hi, would you
like some privacy?
535
00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:16,440
We have two private
chat rooms to serve you.
536
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,140
Not now.
537
00:24:17,140 --> 00:24:18,040
Maybe later.
538
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,620
Aw, come on.
539
00:24:21,620 --> 00:24:22,790
Hey.
540
00:24:22,790 --> 00:24:24,860
You live around here?
541
00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:26,490
Shh, don't talk.
542
00:24:26,490 --> 00:24:27,530
Let me give you a lap dance.
543
00:24:30,670 --> 00:24:32,700
You don't know all
the locals, do you?
544
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:34,530
[FARTING SOUNDS]
545
00:24:34,530 --> 00:24:37,070
Have you seen anything unusual?
546
00:24:37,070 --> 00:24:37,950
[FARTING SOUNDS]
547
00:24:37,950 --> 00:24:39,790
Unusual?
548
00:24:39,790 --> 00:24:41,600
This is a nudie bar, dude.
549
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:45,050
Weird shit happens all the time.
550
00:24:45,050 --> 00:24:47,180
Do you remember the night
the old man was murdered?
551
00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:52,280
Look.
552
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:55,750
Do you want a lap dance
or do you want to talk?
553
00:24:55,750 --> 00:24:57,320
I like a lap dance just fine.
554
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,340
I just like talking, too.
555
00:24:59,340 --> 00:25:01,200
I know what you need.
556
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,390
Two girl fantasy.
557
00:25:03,390 --> 00:25:05,370
Come with me.
558
00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:06,290
I'll get Boner.
559
00:25:10,990 --> 00:25:12,000
So go on in.
560
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,010
Be patient.
561
00:25:13,010 --> 00:25:13,920
I'll get Boner.
562
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:15,900
We'll be right back.
563
00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:17,430
Be a good boy.
Oh.
564
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,330
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
565
00:25:40,330 --> 00:25:43,070
Ah!
566
00:25:43,070 --> 00:25:45,450
This guy looks like
he has a lot of money.
567
00:25:45,450 --> 00:25:47,100
Maybe he'll pay
for my operation.
568
00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:50,090
[SCREAMING]
569
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:03,530
GUY ON RADIO:
Attention, all cops.
570
00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:05,030
Attention, all cops.
571
00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:07,020
Murder at the Shimmering Beaver.
572
00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:08,510
Murder at the Shimmering Beaver.
573
00:26:08,510 --> 00:26:10,010
Possible officer down.
574
00:26:10,010 --> 00:26:11,500
Not my bunny.
575
00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:18,970
[POLICE SIRENS]
576
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,950
Jeez, I hope this
isn't Detective Dance.
577
00:26:24,950 --> 00:26:28,930
I call his wallet.
578
00:26:28,930 --> 00:26:29,930
It's him.
579
00:26:29,930 --> 00:26:30,670
It's Travis.
580
00:26:33,660 --> 00:26:36,440
Is that his head?
581
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,760
No, Chief.
582
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,990
I think it's over there.
583
00:26:39,990 --> 00:26:43,030
He said he had a
hunch about this place.
584
00:26:43,030 --> 00:26:46,380
Looks like he was right.
585
00:26:46,380 --> 00:26:48,470
Well, let's call it in.
586
00:26:48,470 --> 00:26:51,460
[POLICE SIRENS]
587
00:27:05,410 --> 00:27:06,430
Goddammit.
588
00:27:06,430 --> 00:27:08,070
That sounds like Ivanna.
589
00:27:08,070 --> 00:27:09,250
Pope, get out
there and stop her.
590
00:27:09,250 --> 00:27:10,740
She can't see Travis like this.
591
00:27:14,210 --> 00:27:15,210
Hey, hey, hey.
592
00:27:15,210 --> 00:27:16,530
You don't want to go in there.
593
00:27:16,530 --> 00:27:17,790
He's dead, isn't he?
594
00:27:17,790 --> 00:27:19,460
Yeah, and somebody
took his wallet.
595
00:27:19,460 --> 00:27:21,090
My god!
596
00:27:21,090 --> 00:27:22,030
I'm... I'm...
597
00:27:22,030 --> 00:27:23,440
Oh, my god!
598
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,380
Ahh!
599
00:27:24,380 --> 00:27:25,710
What the fuck happened?
600
00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:27,990
Ivanna, I am so sorry.
601
00:27:27,990 --> 00:27:30,000
Save your condolences,
Double Dick.
602
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,690
Travis is dead!
603
00:27:31,690 --> 00:27:33,500
And he wouldn't be dead if
I was on the case with them
604
00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:34,240
And you know it!
605
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:35,040
Now, Ivanna...
606
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:36,540
[INAUDIBLE] shit to me.
607
00:27:36,540 --> 00:27:38,250
And I'm telling you, I'm
on this case starting
608
00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,600
Right this fuckin' minute.
609
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:40,440
You're upset.
610
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,260
Let's talk about this
down at the station.
611
00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:43,580
No shit I'm upset.
612
00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:45,210
Let me see what I can do.
613
00:27:45,210 --> 00:27:46,560
I'll tell you what you can do.
614
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,290
You can take your fat
ass and your double dick
615
00:27:48,290 --> 00:27:51,170
And get the fuck out of here
because I'm coming back.
616
00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:53,650
I'm gettin' naked and I'm
going to fuck shit up!
617
00:27:53,650 --> 00:27:55,860
You stay the fuck out of my way.
Hey, lady.
618
00:27:55,860 --> 00:27:57,060
I don't mean to
butt in or anything,
619
00:27:57,060 --> 00:27:58,590
But a good way to get over
the death of your husband
620
00:27:58,590 --> 00:28:00,160
Is to go home and have
a naked training montage
621
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,240
That all the little 14-year-old
kids on the DVD players
622
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:03,680
Can jerk off to.
623
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,590
And then they won't feel
like they wasted their money.
624
00:28:05,590 --> 00:28:07,780
[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "I DON'T
KNOW"]
625
00:28:32,060 --> 00:28:35,000
[FARTING SOUNDS]
626
00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:11,590
That's it.
627
00:29:15,590 --> 00:29:17,080
You little bitch whore.
628
00:29:22,370 --> 00:29:23,070
Oh.
629
00:29:36,540 --> 00:29:39,540
[MOANING]
630
00:31:29,670 --> 00:31:30,520
You stay here.
631
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:31,520
You don't say a word.
632
00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:40,430
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.
633
00:31:40,430 --> 00:31:43,400
Since it's National Comic
Book Appreciation Week,
634
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:48,410
Please put your hands together
for the amazing Spidercunt.
635
00:31:48,410 --> 00:31:51,650
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I like blood and guts.
636
00:31:51,650 --> 00:31:58,190
I like the sound of silence
till it drives me totally nuts.
637
00:31:58,190 --> 00:32:03,990
Remember if you come around,
you better watch your yapper.
638
00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:07,560
How many souls driven
underground, watching
639
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,000
Tales from the Crapper.
640
00:32:13,290 --> 00:32:16,630
I like naked strippers.
641
00:32:16,630 --> 00:32:19,620
Ripping off arms and heads.
642
00:32:19,620 --> 00:32:26,110
It makes me feel so chipper to
know they're completely dead.
643
00:32:26,110 --> 00:32:32,590
If you dare to show up, speaking
like some old red snapper,
644
00:32:32,590 --> 00:32:35,090
Please don't make me throw up.
645
00:32:35,090 --> 00:32:39,080
I'm watching Tales
from the Crapper.
646
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,080
Man.
647
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:43,070
Ah, I would love to
sniff your panties.
648
00:32:43,070 --> 00:32:44,570
Well, guess what, handsome?
649
00:32:44,570 --> 00:32:46,070
I'm not wearing any.
650
00:32:46,070 --> 00:32:47,560
Hot damn.
651
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:48,860
- Shit!
- Gross!
652
00:32:48,860 --> 00:32:49,560
Vagina.
653
00:33:02,610 --> 00:33:03,600
Ooh, you know what?
654
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:05,490
I thought you'd have
been shaving down there.
655
00:33:05,490 --> 00:33:06,570
- Yeah.
- Really?
656
00:33:06,570 --> 00:33:09,020
Yeah.
657
00:33:09,020 --> 00:33:10,490
Oh, yeah.
658
00:33:10,490 --> 00:33:12,940
Yeah.
659
00:33:12,940 --> 00:33:14,900
Oh, yeah.
660
00:33:14,900 --> 00:33:17,840
What the fuck is
she doing in there?
661
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,800
Fuck!
662
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:20,780
Ah!
663
00:33:20,780 --> 00:33:22,250
Shit!
664
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,720
Shit!
665
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,190
Shit!
666
00:33:25,190 --> 00:33:26,360
What are you doing?
667
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:27,860
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
668
00:33:27,860 --> 00:33:29,350
Oh, my nose!
669
00:33:29,350 --> 00:33:30,350
My nose!
670
00:33:30,350 --> 00:33:32,850
Oh, fuck!
671
00:33:32,850 --> 00:33:33,850
Excuse me?
672
00:33:33,850 --> 00:33:36,140
But is there a reason why you're
chasing my customers away?
673
00:33:36,140 --> 00:33:38,850
I'm sorry.
I... I'm just a little nervous.
674
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:40,640
What do you have
to be nervous about?
675
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:42,740
Well, I'm here to
ask you for a job.
676
00:33:42,740 --> 00:33:44,070
Oh, really?
677
00:33:44,070 --> 00:33:44,960
I wanna be a dancer.
678
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:46,170
You wanna be a dancer?
679
00:33:46,170 --> 00:33:46,870
Then get on stage.
680
00:33:46,870 --> 00:33:48,330
Show your tits, bitch.
681
00:33:48,330 --> 00:33:49,030
OK.
682
00:33:49,030 --> 00:33:49,880
I'll get my costume on.
683
00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:52,520
Thanks.
684
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:53,450
ANNOUNCER: All righty, guys.
685
00:33:53,450 --> 00:33:55,650
This is her first time
on stage, so be kind.
686
00:33:55,650 --> 00:33:58,260
This is Ivanna.
687
00:33:58,260 --> 00:34:01,210
When Ivanna's not stripping,
she's an undercover cop,
688
00:34:01,210 --> 00:34:03,370
Posing as a stripper.
689
00:34:03,370 --> 00:34:05,870
[MUSIC PLAYING]
690
00:34:11,580 --> 00:34:12,280
[INAUDIBLE]
691
00:34:15,510 --> 00:34:17,320
CROWD: Boo!
C'mon!
692
00:34:22,070 --> 00:34:23,840
Hey, Larry, am I
getting a bald spot?
693
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:34,760
[FARTING SOUNDS]
694
00:34:43,500 --> 00:34:44,430
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.
695
00:34:44,430 --> 00:34:48,030
Could you believe that this is
Ivanna's first time on stage?
696
00:34:48,030 --> 00:35:30,590
Yeah, so can I.
697
00:35:33,670 --> 00:35:39,210
[CROWD CHEERING]
698
00:35:39,210 --> 00:35:40,420
So do I got a job?
699
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,060
- Yeah, you got it.
- Yes!
700
00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:47,320
Thank you so much.
701
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,480
I won't let you down.
702
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,040
- What is she doing?
- All right.
703
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:51,740
How about...
704
00:35:51,740 --> 00:35:53,150
- Yeah.
- Yep.
705
00:35:55,950 --> 00:36:00,800
I'm into some kinky shit and
I hope you guys like it rough.
706
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:01,790
Oh, yeah.
707
00:36:01,790 --> 00:36:03,280
Rough!
708
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:04,760
Yeah.
709
00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:05,760
Hey, sweetie.
710
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:06,800
Excuse me, Deke.
711
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:08,130
We don't want any trouble, man.
712
00:36:08,130 --> 00:36:10,140
Nobody has to worry
about trouble as
713
00:36:10,140 --> 00:36:12,350
Long as you learn how to relax.
714
00:36:12,350 --> 00:36:13,250
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.
715
00:36:13,250 --> 00:36:17,370
Entering the strip club is
Deke, our resident red herring.
716
00:36:17,370 --> 00:36:18,790
This could be him, Popo.
717
00:36:18,790 --> 00:36:19,620
You sure?
718
00:36:19,620 --> 00:36:23,100
His interests are confusing
viewer, combing his hair,
719
00:36:23,100 --> 00:36:25,510
And taking his coat off.
Dance?
720
00:36:25,510 --> 00:36:26,280
Dance?
721
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:27,220
Anyone want a dance?
722
00:36:27,220 --> 00:36:28,170
No, you didn't.
723
00:36:28,170 --> 00:36:30,640
That's my pretty
pink bikini, bitch.
724
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,600
Get the... You scummy cunt.
725
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:34,580
I'll slice you open.
726
00:36:34,580 --> 00:36:36,310
You better give that back.
727
00:36:36,310 --> 00:36:38,250
I paid hundreds
of dollars for it
728
00:36:38,250 --> 00:36:40,460
And your fat ass doesn't
work in it anyway.
729
00:36:40,460 --> 00:36:41,690
You're not killing
anyone else, pal.
730
00:36:41,690 --> 00:36:42,590
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.
731
00:36:42,590 --> 00:36:44,480
Put your hands
together for the poorly
732
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:46,200
Choreographed kung fu fight.
733
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,160
[GRUNTING]
734
00:36:50,630 --> 00:36:52,120
We got him.
735
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:52,970
Let's go.
He's mine.
736
00:36:52,970 --> 00:36:53,670
All right.
737
00:36:56,490 --> 00:36:57,930
- Where?
- He's over there.
738
00:36:57,930 --> 00:36:58,670
Over there.
739
00:36:58,670 --> 00:36:59,660
Freeze!
740
00:36:59,660 --> 00:37:01,420
Party's over, scumbag!
741
00:37:01,420 --> 00:37:03,510
[GRUNTING]
742
00:37:04,470 --> 00:37:05,420
Cuff him, Popo.
743
00:37:05,420 --> 00:37:06,840
I gotcha.
744
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,820
[SCREAMING]
745
00:37:09,820 --> 00:37:11,820
I'll get him.
746
00:37:11,820 --> 00:37:14,820
[GRUNTING]
747
00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:21,410
Oh, no, no, no.
748
00:37:21,410 --> 00:37:22,340
Not in the package.
749
00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:24,290
Oh, Yes, daddy.
750
00:37:24,290 --> 00:37:25,090
Oh!
751
00:37:25,090 --> 00:37:25,920
Put it to my temple.
752
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,510
Put it in my mouth.
753
00:37:27,510 --> 00:37:30,320
I should have fucked you
when I had the chance.
754
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:31,650
Are you responsible
for the murders?
755
00:37:31,650 --> 00:37:32,840
I'm the murderer, baby.
756
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:34,450
I killed him.
Thank god.
757
00:37:37,590 --> 00:37:39,490
I'm not playing anymore
games with you guys.
758
00:37:39,490 --> 00:37:40,710
Shit!
759
00:37:40,710 --> 00:37:42,390
I told you this was a fun place.
760
00:37:42,390 --> 00:37:43,730
Yeah, tie me up.
761
00:37:43,730 --> 00:37:44,730
Make it real... Damn!
762
00:37:44,730 --> 00:37:45,530
I like it tight.
763
00:37:45,530 --> 00:37:47,230
- Mhm.
- Mm.
764
00:37:47,230 --> 00:37:49,620
Yeah.
765
00:37:49,620 --> 00:37:53,440
Yeah, I like it tight, too.
766
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,140
Hey, what the fuck you
think you're doing, bitch?
767
00:37:55,140 --> 00:37:56,660
Give that back!
768
00:37:56,660 --> 00:38:00,060
Bitch, what kind of
fucking lap dance is this?
769
00:38:00,060 --> 00:38:01,400
It's the kind of
lap dance where you
770
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:03,270
Tell me what I want to know.
Fuck you, bitch.
771
00:38:03,270 --> 00:38:04,490
We ain't tellng you shit.
772
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:06,930
And you can suck my dick.
773
00:38:06,930 --> 00:38:09,680
How about I make
you boys my bitches?
774
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,100
Agh!
775
00:38:11,100 --> 00:38:13,960
[POLICE SIRENS]
776
00:38:15,860 --> 00:38:17,610
How long are we going
to make her stay in there
777
00:38:17,610 --> 00:38:20,010
And degrade herself before we
tell her we caught the killer?
778
00:38:20,010 --> 00:38:21,950
Not yet.
You kidding me?
779
00:38:21,950 --> 00:38:23,750
After all the headache
she's caused me,
780
00:38:23,750 --> 00:38:26,640
I've been waiting for the
opportunity to get back at her.
781
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:27,600
Heh heh heh.
782
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:31,440
Every dog has his or her day.
783
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:32,830
Who knows what kind
of degrading acts
784
00:38:32,830 --> 00:38:36,830
Ivanna's subjecting
herself to right now.
785
00:38:36,830 --> 00:38:39,780
[SLURPING SOUNDS]
786
00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:41,740
Ooh, hot!
787
00:38:41,740 --> 00:38:43,210
CROWD: Oh, shit.
788
00:38:43,210 --> 00:38:45,630
Ooh!
789
00:38:45,630 --> 00:38:48,070
Now tell me who the
strip club killer is.
790
00:38:48,070 --> 00:38:49,550
What?
791
00:38:49,550 --> 00:38:51,180
What the fuck you talking about?
792
00:38:51,180 --> 00:38:53,510
Tell me who the
fucking murderer is!
793
00:38:53,510 --> 00:38:55,290
What the fuck are you
talkin' about, lady?
794
00:38:55,290 --> 00:38:57,000
We don't know anything, lady!
795
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:57,810
Keep those hips moving!
796
00:38:57,810 --> 00:38:58,810
Come!
797
00:38:58,810 --> 00:38:59,810
C'mon, Chief.
798
00:38:59,810 --> 00:39:00,980
It's been long enough.
799
00:39:00,980 --> 00:39:01,950
OK, OK.
800
00:39:01,950 --> 00:39:04,540
I'll cut her loose.
801
00:39:04,540 --> 00:39:06,930
Yeah, Doublestump here.
802
00:39:06,930 --> 00:39:09,360
We apprehended the
strip club killer.
803
00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:11,000
Someone get word to
Ivanna immediately.
804
00:39:13,620 --> 00:39:14,900
Happy?
805
00:39:14,900 --> 00:39:16,030
Very.
806
00:39:16,030 --> 00:39:18,120
That's why you put up a mask.
807
00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:19,860
There are zoning laws.
OK.
808
00:39:19,860 --> 00:39:20,860
This is just coming in to me.
809
00:39:20,860 --> 00:39:22,630
Thank you, Louise.
It's Ramone.
810
00:39:22,630 --> 00:39:23,730
Ramone.
811
00:39:23,730 --> 00:39:24,640
Just in.
812
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:26,640
Strip club killer apprehended.
813
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:28,040
- No!
- Yes.
814
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:32,470
Tromaville Action News will be
live on the air 24 hours a day
815
00:39:32,470 --> 00:39:34,770
To bring you, the
viewing public,
816
00:39:34,770 --> 00:39:37,950
Live coverage of every angle
of this breaking story.
817
00:39:37,950 --> 00:39:39,250
We'll be interviewing
the killer's
818
00:39:39,250 --> 00:39:41,480
Neighbors, his mom,
his grade school
819
00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:43,200
Teachers, his reflexologist.
820
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:44,060
[PAGER BEEPS]
821
00:39:44,060 --> 00:39:45,040
We don't know anything!
822
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,900
Now don't you tell anybody
about this, you buttfuck.
823
00:39:52,900 --> 00:39:53,640
You hear me?
824
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:55,400
No shit, asshole.
825
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:57,900
[FARTING SOUNDS]
826
00:39:59,850 --> 00:40:01,630
Oh, well.
Thanks for nothing, guys.
827
00:40:01,630 --> 00:40:02,330
What?
828
00:40:02,330 --> 00:40:04,130
At least you're in touch
with your own sexuality now.
829
00:40:10,590 --> 00:40:12,510
[PHONE RINGING]
830
00:40:12,510 --> 00:40:13,730
Doublestump.
831
00:40:13,730 --> 00:40:15,290
Where did you find the guy?
832
00:40:15,290 --> 00:40:16,950
The Shimmering Beaver.
833
00:40:16,950 --> 00:40:18,970
I was at the Beaver.
834
00:40:18,970 --> 00:40:20,240
When did you find the guy?
835
00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:21,410
I'm gonna come down
there and check
836
00:40:21,410 --> 00:40:23,330
Your fuckin' files myself.
837
00:40:23,330 --> 00:40:25,110
Around 11:30, OK?
838
00:40:25,110 --> 00:40:27,280
You must have been
in the back room.
839
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:30,760
You left me in that chat
room for half an hour?
840
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:32,830
Are you sure you have the right
guy because I'm coming down
841
00:40:32,830 --> 00:40:34,660
There to question him myself.
842
00:40:34,660 --> 00:40:36,020
No, no, no, no.
843
00:40:36,020 --> 00:40:37,870
That won't be necessary.
844
00:40:37,870 --> 00:40:40,530
Damn, I'm mad!
845
00:40:40,530 --> 00:40:43,070
Fuck!
846
00:40:43,070 --> 00:40:47,700
I hate that Doublestump
dick prick piece of shit!
847
00:40:47,700 --> 00:40:50,170
[MUSIC PLAYING]
848
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,370
ANNOUNCER: OK, guys.
849
00:40:53,370 --> 00:40:55,780
The girls are always
available for private dances.
850
00:41:04,700 --> 00:41:07,480
We have a special for all
you guys with big pimples.
851
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,770
But you must masturbate
into your wigs.
852
00:41:12,650 --> 00:41:36,120
I'm
853
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:38,610
[SPLOOGING]
854
00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:53,050
[SCREAMING]
855
00:41:53,050 --> 00:41:56,530
What the hell?
856
00:41:56,530 --> 00:41:59,080
[SCREAMING]
Oh, my god.
857
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:00,780
Somebody call 9-1-1.
858
00:42:00,780 --> 00:42:04,970
[SCREAMING]
859
00:42:04,970 --> 00:42:07,530
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
860
00:42:09,970 --> 00:42:12,890
[ALIEN SOUNDS]
861
00:42:13,860 --> 00:42:16,300
[SCREAMING]
862
00:42:18,250 --> 00:42:20,360
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
863
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,340
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Multiple
murders in progress
864
00:42:28,340 --> 00:42:30,140
At the Shimmering Beaver.
Fuck!
865
00:42:30,140 --> 00:42:30,840
I knew it!
866
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:34,890
Yes.
This just in.
867
00:42:34,890 --> 00:42:37,170
The strip club killer
not apprehended.
868
00:42:37,170 --> 00:42:38,440
It is not the guy.
869
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:39,410
False alarm, people.
870
00:42:39,410 --> 00:42:42,670
However, we will continue our
24 hour coverage of this event
871
00:42:42,670 --> 00:42:45,350
Because quite frankly, we've
got nothing better to do.
872
00:42:45,350 --> 00:42:47,120
I have some zoysia
grass to grow.
873
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:49,230
I had a date tonight
that was canceled.
874
00:42:49,230 --> 00:42:51,270
- Canceled.
- And I'm here.
875
00:42:51,270 --> 00:42:53,580
And you know, if she wants
to be a woman about it,
876
00:42:53,580 --> 00:42:55,810
She'll call me instead
of sending me an email.
877
00:42:55,810 --> 00:42:56,640
Yeah, that's weak.
878
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:57,530
A mass email.
879
00:43:00,950 --> 00:43:02,440
What the fuck?
[ALIEN SOUNDS]
880
00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:04,410
Let her go!
881
00:43:04,410 --> 00:43:06,880
[GUNSHOTS]
882
00:43:08,860 --> 00:43:10,820
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
883
00:43:14,820 --> 00:43:17,820
[ALIEN SOUNDS]
884
00:43:17,820 --> 00:43:20,320
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO -
"CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]
885
00:43:23,820 --> 00:43:25,320
GUY ON RADIO: Multiple
homicides in progress
886
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:26,320
At the Shimmering Beaver.
887
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:27,820
Chief, did you hear that?
888
00:43:27,820 --> 00:43:29,340
Looks like we might
have the wrong man.
889
00:43:29,340 --> 00:43:30,220
No!
890
00:43:30,220 --> 00:43:31,090
Holy cannoli.
891
00:43:31,090 --> 00:43:32,550
No, that guy's
got it all wrong.
892
00:43:32,550 --> 00:43:34,870
I hope Ivanna didn't go
back there by herself.
893
00:43:34,870 --> 00:43:37,500
I'm the one that killed those
bitches and I'll do it again.
894
00:43:37,500 --> 00:43:38,370
Sergeant Dance.
895
00:43:38,370 --> 00:43:40,130
Sergeant Dance come in.
896
00:43:40,130 --> 00:43:42,560
Someone's taking
credit for my shit!
897
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:44,530
Ivanna, do you read me?
898
00:43:44,530 --> 00:43:46,510
Shit, I think she went
back there by herself.
899
00:43:46,510 --> 00:43:47,490
Better call for back up.
900
00:43:47,490 --> 00:43:49,260
Hit the lights.
Doublestump.
901
00:43:49,260 --> 00:43:49,960
[POLICE SIRENS]
902
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,410
Officer in need of assistance
at the Shimmering Beaver.
903
00:43:53,410 --> 00:43:55,820
All units respond.
Ugh!
904
00:43:55,820 --> 00:43:57,430
You guys have me!
905
00:43:57,430 --> 00:43:58,780
Where are you guys going?
906
00:43:58,780 --> 00:44:00,650
The jail's the other way.
907
00:44:00,650 --> 00:44:02,650
I want to get ass
raped by Aryans.
908
00:44:02,650 --> 00:44:04,070
I wanna drop the soap.
909
00:44:04,070 --> 00:44:05,540
I've always heard
it's so much fun.
910
00:44:05,540 --> 00:44:06,540
I wanna drop the soap!
911
00:44:06,540 --> 00:44:10,450
[SCREAMING]
912
00:44:10,450 --> 00:44:13,650
Oh, my god.
913
00:44:13,650 --> 00:44:14,610
Oh, my god!
914
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:17,470
[SCREAMING]
915
00:44:17,470 --> 00:44:19,650
[ALIEN SOUNDS]
916
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:35,880
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
917
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:47,840
What are you
doing laying there?
918
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:50,930
Get up and show me
what you got on stage!
919
00:44:50,930 --> 00:44:51,770
[SPEAKING ALIEN]
920
00:44:51,770 --> 00:44:52,670
ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.
921
00:44:52,670 --> 00:44:55,170
Up to the stage right now is
the topless praying mantis
922
00:44:55,170 --> 00:44:56,280
Monster and Ivanna.
923
00:45:11,020 --> 00:45:13,480
[ALIEN SOUNDS]
924
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,830
Yes!
925
00:45:21,830 --> 00:45:24,810
Travis!
926
00:45:24,810 --> 00:45:27,170
Ivanna?
927
00:45:27,170 --> 00:45:28,150
Are you okay?
928
00:45:28,150 --> 00:45:29,640
I don't know, am I OK?
929
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:31,120
Am I OK?
930
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:32,900
What the hell has
happened in here, Ivanna?
931
00:45:32,900 --> 00:45:34,290
What happened?
932
00:45:34,290 --> 00:45:37,290
You've got some big
time explaining to do.
933
00:45:37,290 --> 00:45:38,290
The killer!
934
00:45:38,290 --> 00:45:40,290
I killed the killer!
That's what happened!
935
00:45:40,290 --> 00:45:41,250
I killed it right there!
936
00:45:41,250 --> 00:45:42,160
Bitch!
937
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,450
I did it for Travis!
938
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:47,820
I did it for Travis!
939
00:45:47,820 --> 00:45:48,880
Popo.
940
00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:50,510
Call the meat wagon.
941
00:45:50,510 --> 00:45:53,130
Tell the boys they're gonna
pick up some overtime tonight.
942
00:45:53,130 --> 00:45:54,020
This just in.
943
00:45:54,020 --> 00:45:56,420
Strip club killer
has been caught.
944
00:45:56,420 --> 00:45:57,490
And it's a female.
945
00:45:57,490 --> 00:45:59,300
- It's a female killer.
- Oh, my god.
946
00:45:59,300 --> 00:46:00,370
The public's going to love this.
947
00:46:00,370 --> 00:46:01,360
Thank god.
948
00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:02,950
- I mean...
- Midgets.
949
00:46:02,950 --> 00:46:03,930
And Jews.
950
00:46:03,930 --> 00:46:04,770
But wait, wait.
951
00:46:04,770 --> 00:46:05,710
It gets better.
952
00:46:05,710 --> 00:46:07,020
She's not just a woman.
953
00:46:07,020 --> 00:46:09,220
She's a stripper alien
mantis creature, too.
954
00:46:09,220 --> 00:46:10,330
Jackpot.
Give me some claw.
955
00:46:10,330 --> 00:46:11,320
Touchdown.
956
00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:13,090
Eh.
957
00:46:13,090 --> 00:46:14,490
Eh.
Yes.
958
00:46:14,490 --> 00:46:16,940
We will be live on the
air 24/7 to give you
959
00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:20,040
This exclusive coverage of
the stripper alien mantis
960
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:21,290
Creature massacre.
961
00:46:21,290 --> 00:46:23,590
And stick with
us after the break
962
00:46:23,590 --> 00:46:27,650
When our very own Jonathan
Gottlieb explores a new level
963
00:46:27,650 --> 00:46:31,230
Of underground animals.
964
00:46:31,230 --> 00:46:32,650
Tight hold.
965
00:46:32,650 --> 00:46:35,060
What's furry down
there by my foot?
966
00:46:35,060 --> 00:46:35,880
Moley molerstein.
967
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:52,500
[GRUNTING]
[FARTING SOUNDS]
968
00:46:52,500 --> 00:46:53,870
Goddamn!
969
00:46:53,870 --> 00:46:55,280
[FARTING SOUNDS]
970
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:59,490
You know, every day, I get
letters just like this one.
971
00:46:59,490 --> 00:47:02,820
[FARTING SOUNDS]
972
00:47:08,530 --> 00:47:13,130
Dear Crap Keeper, please
stop calling my home or I'll
973
00:47:13,130 --> 00:47:14,190
Have you shot.
974
00:47:14,190 --> 00:47:17,100
Best wishes, Hillary
Rodham Clinton.
975
00:47:17,100 --> 00:47:17,800
Ew.
976
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:19,620
Ich.
977
00:47:19,620 --> 00:47:21,870
[TOILET FLUSHING]
978
00:47:21,870 --> 00:47:27,580
But every once in awhile,
I get a letter like...
979
00:47:27,580 --> 00:47:30,010
[FARTING SOUNDS]
980
00:47:31,960 --> 00:47:33,420
Whew!
Ah.
981
00:47:33,420 --> 00:47:36,670
Like... like this.
982
00:47:36,670 --> 00:47:38,150
Whew.
983
00:47:38,150 --> 00:47:40,620
Uh...
984
00:47:40,620 --> 00:47:45,320
Dear Crap Keeper, your films
are so fucking retarded.
985
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:49,300
How do you get investors to
continuously fund your garbage?
986
00:47:49,300 --> 00:47:51,530
I hope you drown
in your own shit
987
00:47:51,530 --> 00:47:53,930
And die a long and
horrible death.
988
00:47:53,930 --> 00:47:56,810
Sincerely, Little
Jimmy Picknoser.
989
00:47:56,810 --> 00:47:58,720
Topeka, Kansas.
990
00:47:58,720 --> 00:48:05,470
P.S. I hope a dog digs up
your corpse and pees on it.
991
00:48:05,470 --> 00:48:07,470
Oh, well.
Oh, well, Jimmy.
992
00:48:07,470 --> 00:48:11,560
Thanks for your great interest
in independent film production.
993
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:15,510
Now today, we're going to show
you how you, Little Jimmy,
994
00:48:15,510 --> 00:48:17,140
Can make your own damn movie.
995
00:48:17,140 --> 00:48:18,570
Yes, Make Your Own Damn Movie.
996
00:48:18,570 --> 00:48:22,860
It's the hot new book by my good
handsome friend, Lloyd Kaufman.
997
00:48:22,860 --> 00:48:25,720
Available at Barnes and Noble,
Borders, and fine bookstores
998
00:48:25,720 --> 00:48:26,490
Everywhere.
999
00:48:26,490 --> 00:48:27,790
And you know what
you're going to need,
1000
00:48:27,790 --> 00:48:29,660
Jimmy... to start your film?
1001
00:48:29,660 --> 00:48:32,870
You know what you need to begin
making your own damn movie?
1002
00:48:32,870 --> 00:48:34,640
You need a script.
1003
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,320
Yes, a script is a
blueprint for your movie.
1004
00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:41,740
And everything must be just so
with a movie that Jimmy makes.
1005
00:48:41,740 --> 00:48:44,410
Now, let's see what kind of
a script we're going to get.
1006
00:48:44,410 --> 00:48:45,970
[FARTING SOUNDS]
Oh.
1007
00:48:45,970 --> 00:48:47,780
Ah.
1008
00:48:47,780 --> 00:48:48,680
Oah.
1009
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:56,720
And Jimmy, your script is
going to be What Women Want?
1010
00:48:56,720 --> 00:48:58,280
No way.
1011
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,640
[TOILET FLUSHING]
1012
00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:04,430
You know, John Cassavetes
always said a good movie
1013
00:49:04,430 --> 00:49:06,020
Comes from the heart.
1014
00:49:06,020 --> 00:49:08,720
So Little Jimmy, we're
going to improvise.
1015
00:49:08,720 --> 00:49:10,270
Yes, Little Jimmy.
1016
00:49:10,270 --> 00:49:13,960
You're going to be
improvising your movie.
1017
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,180
Now, what you need next?
1018
00:49:16,180 --> 00:49:18,590
You need a location.
1019
00:49:18,590 --> 00:49:22,510
Locations are places where
you produce your movie.
1020
00:49:22,510 --> 00:49:26,290
Your location might want to
be a sunny and exotic place.
1021
00:49:26,290 --> 00:49:30,470
So Jimmy, let's
produce your movie in...
1022
00:49:30,470 --> 00:49:32,870
[SCREAMING]
1023
00:49:35,270 --> 00:49:38,570
In sunny Jamaica!
1024
00:49:38,570 --> 00:49:40,890
Uh... Hm.
1025
00:49:40,890 --> 00:49:45,690
Uh... In a sunny crack house!
1026
00:49:45,690 --> 00:49:49,230
Now, your film is going to
need a protagonist... a hero...
1027
00:49:49,230 --> 00:49:52,230
Someone that every man
can identify with...
1028
00:49:52,230 --> 00:49:55,350
Can say, you know,
that could be me.
1029
00:49:55,350 --> 00:49:57,090
And let's see now.
1030
00:49:57,090 --> 00:49:58,600
What... the protagonist... hm.
1031
00:49:58,600 --> 00:49:59,790
Protagonist hero.
1032
00:49:59,790 --> 00:50:01,200
Perhaps, hm, I don't know.
1033
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:04,500
Maybe... maybe your
protagonist could be say,
1034
00:50:04,500 --> 00:50:08,240
A gorgeous lesbian art student
with an insatiable yearning
1035
00:50:08,240 --> 00:50:09,910
For sexual gratification.
1036
00:50:09,910 --> 00:50:13,090
I am a gorgeous
lesbian art student
1037
00:50:13,090 --> 00:50:18,520
With an insatiable yearning
for sexual gratification.
1038
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:19,800
Wow.
1039
00:50:19,800 --> 00:50:24,400
And what's a protagonist
without a love interest?
1040
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:26,740
I'm another
gorgeous lesbian art
1041
00:50:26,740 --> 00:50:29,460
Student with an
unquenchable yearning
1042
00:50:29,460 --> 00:50:31,740
For sexual gratification.
1043
00:50:31,740 --> 00:50:32,740
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]
1044
00:50:32,740 --> 00:50:34,740
Excellent.
Yeah.
1045
00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:58,810
[MOANING]
1046
00:50:58,810 --> 00:51:01,770
[INAUDIBLE]
1047
00:51:01,770 --> 00:51:05,190
You know, your story's going
to need some kind of conflict.
1048
00:51:05,190 --> 00:51:05,970
A conflict.
1049
00:51:05,970 --> 00:51:06,920
That's the important thing.
1050
00:51:06,920 --> 00:51:10,320
You need something that
the heroes can overcome.
1051
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:12,520
An insurmountable goal, perhaps.
1052
00:51:12,520 --> 00:51:16,130
Now, your car.
1053
00:51:16,130 --> 00:51:22,290
Your car has broken down
and you don't have a phone.
1054
00:51:22,290 --> 00:51:24,110
Then you have to call for a tow.
1055
00:51:24,110 --> 00:51:26,140
Our car is broken down.
1056
00:51:26,140 --> 00:51:30,170
And we need a phone
to call for a tow.
1057
00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:33,590
Now, what kind of
a story would this
1058
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,720
Be if we didn't have a villain?
1059
00:51:35,720 --> 00:51:37,800
We need to have someone
to stand in your way.
1060
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:38,780
You're heroes.
1061
00:51:38,780 --> 00:51:41,010
We need a Moriarty
for your Holmes.
1062
00:51:41,010 --> 00:51:42,800
A yin for your yang.
1063
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:45,280
Whatever.
1064
00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:48,570
And of course, the yin
to every lesbian's yang
1065
00:51:48,570 --> 00:51:51,830
Is a crackhead, totally
hard up for voyeuristic
1066
00:51:51,830 --> 00:51:54,210
Lesbian activity.
1067
00:51:54,210 --> 00:51:55,610
Tada!
1068
00:51:55,610 --> 00:51:57,150
Yeah.
1069
00:51:57,150 --> 00:51:58,060
Ew!
1070
00:51:58,060 --> 00:52:00,250
No likey?
1071
00:52:00,250 --> 00:52:04,190
Well, did I mention that the
surly crackhead just happens
1072
00:52:04,190 --> 00:52:06,620
To be a pre-op transsexual?
1073
00:52:09,620 --> 00:52:12,340
[SNORTING]
1074
00:52:12,340 --> 00:52:15,020
I'm a surly
crackhead, totally hard
1075
00:52:15,020 --> 00:52:19,140
Up for a voyeuristic
lesbian experience.
1076
00:52:19,140 --> 00:52:21,500
Did I mention that
I'm a pre-op tranny?
1077
00:52:24,220 --> 00:52:26,220
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]
1078
00:52:26,220 --> 00:52:29,710
Over there.
Harder.
1079
00:52:33,600 --> 00:52:36,040
[MOANING]
1080
00:52:37,010 --> 00:52:39,580
Now, you film students
look carefully.
1081
00:52:39,580 --> 00:52:40,500
This is a gun.
1082
00:52:40,500 --> 00:52:42,520
And whenever the
occasion arises,
1083
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:43,810
Put a gun in your movie.
1084
00:52:43,810 --> 00:52:46,010
Audiences always are
interested in guns,
1085
00:52:46,010 --> 00:52:47,910
Especially American audiences.
1086
00:52:47,910 --> 00:52:49,310
Whether you're doing
a movie about... about
1087
00:52:49,310 --> 00:52:52,940
A raccoon family or about
pre-op transsexuals,
1088
00:52:52,940 --> 00:52:54,520
Put a gun in your movie.
1089
00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:59,640
Now, pre-op transsexual, take
this gun and on with the scene.
1090
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:00,580
OK?
Hurry up.
1091
00:53:00,580 --> 00:53:01,630
Hurry up.
Scene.
1092
00:53:01,630 --> 00:53:04,830
Scene.
Scene.
1093
00:53:04,830 --> 00:53:08,720
What do you pussy
sniffers want?
1094
00:53:08,720 --> 00:53:11,420
Our car broke down and
we need to use your phone.
1095
00:53:11,420 --> 00:53:15,010
If you need a fucking phone,
I gotta a phone for you, bitch.
1096
00:53:15,010 --> 00:53:16,570
Great!
1097
00:53:16,570 --> 00:53:19,780
OK, now, now, now we
need even more conflict.
1098
00:53:19,780 --> 00:53:20,900
More conflict.
1099
00:53:20,900 --> 00:53:21,750
Uh... uh... yeah, good.
1100
00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:22,890
More conflict.
You hear that?
1101
00:53:22,890 --> 00:53:24,270
C'mon.
Come up with some conflict.
1102
00:53:24,270 --> 00:53:24,570
All right?
Ready?
1103
00:53:24,570 --> 00:53:25,470
Let's go!
Go!
1104
00:53:25,470 --> 00:53:29,150
Action!
Act, act, act!
1105
00:53:29,150 --> 00:53:31,120
We don't have any money.
1106
00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:32,110
No money?
1107
00:53:32,110 --> 00:53:33,070
No.
1108
00:53:33,070 --> 00:53:34,940
No money, no phone.
1109
00:53:34,940 --> 00:53:36,090
You cunts.
1110
00:53:36,090 --> 00:53:42,400
Well, there must be
some way we can pay you?
1111
00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:46,220
I think we could arrange that.
1112
00:53:46,220 --> 00:53:50,910
I'm smelling some nice,
dripping wet pussy.
1113
00:53:50,910 --> 00:53:51,960
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1114
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,090
Mm.
1115
00:53:53,090 --> 00:53:56,130
Smells like fine
fudge-packed ass.
1116
00:53:56,130 --> 00:53:59,300
I think we could arrange
something, cunts.
1117
00:54:03,710 --> 00:54:06,350
Take your fucking
clothes off, now!
1118
00:54:06,350 --> 00:54:08,800
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]
1119
00:54:12,220 --> 00:54:15,150
[MOANING]
1120
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:22,790
Blondie, I want
your clothes off.
1121
00:54:22,790 --> 00:54:23,690
Take her clothes off.
1122
00:54:36,380 --> 00:54:37,840
Mm!
1123
00:54:37,840 --> 00:54:38,900
Suck her tits.
1124
00:54:42,210 --> 00:54:43,160
Yes.
1125
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:45,530
How do you like that ass?
1126
00:54:45,530 --> 00:54:47,160
You like it?
Mm.
1127
00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:49,660
Yeah.
1128
00:54:49,660 --> 00:54:51,780
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1129
00:54:51,780 --> 00:54:52,950
Ah.
1130
00:54:52,950 --> 00:54:54,990
Now I'm a Hollywood
brown nosing filmmaker.
1131
00:54:56,450 --> 00:54:58,840
[MOANING]
1132
00:55:00,270 --> 00:55:03,000
You know, this is
probably a very good time
1133
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,680
To talk about the musical
score because your movies
1134
00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:06,960
Are going to need music.
1135
00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:09,180
You know, films and music
are very, very related.
1136
00:55:09,180 --> 00:55:10,390
The symphony has rhythm.
1137
00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:11,920
A movie... editing has rhythm.
1138
00:55:11,920 --> 00:55:15,590
I think I've picked up some
very, very appropriate music.
1139
00:55:15,590 --> 00:55:17,000
[MUSIC PLAYING - "SEXY CHICKEN
SONG"]
1140
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:17,700
Ugh.
1141
00:55:22,100 --> 00:55:23,690
Uh, how about this?
1142
00:55:23,690 --> 00:55:27,170
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]
1143
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,650
[MOANING]
1144
00:55:55,060 --> 00:55:58,050
[SCREAMING]
1145
00:56:06,020 --> 00:56:08,170
[GUNSHOTS]
1146
00:56:08,170 --> 00:56:12,810
Now most films would probably
end the scene rights here,
1147
00:56:12,810 --> 00:56:14,370
But this is a Troma movie.
1148
00:56:14,370 --> 00:56:16,650
And we don't know the
meaning of overkill.
1149
00:56:16,650 --> 00:56:18,080
Yeah, I'm being serious.
1150
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:19,220
We've never looked it up.
1151
00:56:19,220 --> 00:56:23,330
We don't even have a
dictionary, but I digress.
1152
00:56:23,330 --> 00:56:25,950
I don't even know
what digress means.
1153
00:56:25,950 --> 00:56:28,750
You know, to make this
a real Troma movie,
1154
00:56:28,750 --> 00:56:31,130
We've got to come up
with a certain twist,
1155
00:56:31,130 --> 00:56:32,200
Something unexpected.
1156
00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:35,530
A twist if you know what I...
1157
00:56:35,530 --> 00:56:36,960
No, no.
1158
00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:39,810
Not that kind of a
twist, you wisenheimers.
1159
00:56:39,810 --> 00:56:42,120
I meant the
filmmakers have to put
1160
00:56:42,120 --> 00:56:44,220
An unusual twist in the film.
1161
00:56:44,220 --> 00:56:46,720
Something the audience
is not expecting.
1162
00:56:46,720 --> 00:56:48,850
A twist, uh...
1163
00:56:48,850 --> 00:56:51,220
The lesbians are vampires.
1164
00:56:54,090 --> 00:56:55,050
Nah.
1165
00:56:55,050 --> 00:56:56,220
No, no.
1166
00:56:56,220 --> 00:56:58,000
Vampires are much too trite.
1167
00:56:58,000 --> 00:57:00,540
This movie's going to
have yet another twist.
1168
00:57:00,540 --> 00:57:02,390
We're going to have something
that you, the audience,
1169
00:57:02,390 --> 00:57:05,050
Is never going to forget
as long as ya live.
1170
00:57:05,050 --> 00:57:06,400
Action, winky!
1171
00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:08,600
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
1172
00:57:10,740 --> 00:57:14,210
[GRUNTING]
1173
00:57:19,170 --> 00:57:21,180
Get over here, bitch!
1174
00:57:21,180 --> 00:57:24,280
Get over here.
1175
00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:26,730
[SCREAMING]
1176
00:57:30,640 --> 00:57:33,580
[MOANING]
1177
00:57:38,950 --> 00:57:42,380
[SCREAMING]
1178
00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:47,170
And that little,
Brian McGrath, is how
1179
00:57:47,170 --> 00:57:49,610
You make your own damn movie.
1180
00:57:53,110 --> 00:57:56,070
[APPLAUSE]
1181
00:58:02,910 --> 00:58:03,880
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1182
00:58:03,880 --> 00:58:07,600
And you know what would
put this film over the top?
1183
00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:12,870
A topless 500 pound candygram!
1184
00:58:12,870 --> 00:58:14,060
Candygram for Crap Keeper!
1185
00:58:14,060 --> 00:58:16,250
Candygram for Crap Keeper!
1186
00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:18,520
Everyone, let's get freaky.
1187
00:58:47,330 --> 00:58:50,340
And fade out.
1188
00:59:15,670 --> 00:59:18,650
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]
1189
00:59:32,530 --> 00:59:37,980
I... Yeah, take it off of me.
Huh?
1190
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:43,420
Huh?
1191
00:59:43,420 --> 00:59:46,340
[SCREAMING]
1192
01:00:29,190 --> 01:00:32,160
[MUSIC - THE F UPS, "LOOK AT
YOUR SON NOW"]
1193
01:00:46,050 --> 01:00:47,680
Heh heh heh heh, yeah.
1194
01:00:47,680 --> 01:00:48,660
Baby.
1195
01:00:48,660 --> 01:00:49,460
What're you looking at?
1196
01:00:53,910 --> 01:00:56,110
Oh!
[LAUGHING]
1197
01:00:56,110 --> 01:00:58,730
- That chick's butt.
- Ew!
1198
01:01:01,840 --> 01:01:02,670
I'm out of here, fellas.
1199
01:01:02,670 --> 01:01:04,570
I'm expecting some
shit in the mail.
1200
01:01:04,570 --> 01:01:05,690
What?
1201
01:01:05,690 --> 01:01:07,820
Money for school.
1202
01:01:07,820 --> 01:01:09,600
That means we're
celebrating tonight, right
1203
01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:10,770
I guess we should, huh?
1204
01:01:10,770 --> 01:01:11,470
All right.
1205
01:01:11,470 --> 01:01:12,200
I'm out of here, guys.
1206
01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:13,100
Back here in an hour?
1207
01:01:13,100 --> 01:01:13,800
Yep, an hour.
1208
01:01:22,560 --> 01:01:24,600
And so Timmy returned
home, expecting
1209
01:01:24,600 --> 01:01:25,790
A letter from his dad.
1210
01:01:30,420 --> 01:01:31,620
TIMMY'S DAD
(VOICEOVER): Dear Timmy,
1211
01:01:31,620 --> 01:01:34,200
Had an accident at the
factory the other day.
1212
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:35,600
My arms were ripped off.
1213
01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:38,430
Since we have no health
care, I guess I can't pay
1214
01:01:38,430 --> 01:01:40,050
For your college tuition, boy.
1215
01:01:40,050 --> 01:01:40,780
But cheer up.
1216
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,920
Looks like all those
letters you received
1217
01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:46,420
From various scholarship
programs you applied to... well,
1218
01:01:46,420 --> 01:01:48,150
I'm sure they'll
pay for college.
1219
01:01:48,150 --> 01:01:50,340
So you and that fat kid...
You have a great time.
1220
01:01:50,340 --> 01:01:51,040
Oh, yeah.
1221
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:54,210
And also, that... the skinny
guy, uh... the other guy.
1222
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:55,190
Have fun with him, too.
1223
01:01:55,190 --> 01:01:57,070
Who the fuck casted
those idiots anyway?
1224
01:01:57,070 --> 01:01:59,600
That fucking shit
ass casting director.
1225
01:01:59,600 --> 01:02:00,430
I'm going to kill him.
1226
01:02:00,430 --> 01:02:01,680
Love, Dad.
1227
01:02:01,680 --> 01:02:04,390
I'm off to the gay bar now.
1228
01:02:04,390 --> 01:02:05,620
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS
GUY 1 (VOICEOVER):
1229
01:02:05,620 --> 01:02:07,100
We regret to inform
you that you are
1230
01:02:07,100 --> 01:02:10,590
Not qualified for financial
aid due to the fact that you're
1231
01:02:10,590 --> 01:02:11,470
White.
1232
01:02:11,470 --> 01:02:12,170
Shit.
1233
01:02:15,560 --> 01:02:16,790
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS
GUY 2 (VOICEOVER):
1234
01:02:16,790 --> 01:02:20,770
You have qualified for a
full financial scholarship.
1235
01:02:20,770 --> 01:02:23,500
That's what I would have said
if you were an aborted fetus.
1236
01:02:26,460 --> 01:02:27,690
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS
GUY 3 (VOICEOVER):
1237
01:02:27,690 --> 01:02:31,790
You're not special enough.
Fuck!
1238
01:02:33,990 --> 01:02:35,520
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY
4 (VOICEOVER): Declined
1239
01:02:35,520 --> 01:02:36,590
For drinking too much beer.
1240
01:02:36,590 --> 01:02:38,290
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 5
(VOICEOVER): Not eligible.
1241
01:02:38,290 --> 01:02:39,340
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY
6 (VOICEOVER): Rejected.
1242
01:02:39,340 --> 01:02:39,830
Missed deadline.
1243
01:02:39,830 --> 01:02:40,980
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7
(VOICEOVER): Not black enough.
1244
01:02:40,980 --> 01:02:41,870
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6
(VOICEOVER): Homosexual.
1245
01:02:41,870 --> 01:02:42,150
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY
7 (VOICEOVER): Too gay.
1246
01:02:42,150 --> 01:02:43,170
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 8
(VOICEOVER): You loser.
1247
01:02:43,170 --> 01:02:44,450
You stink.
1248
01:02:44,450 --> 01:02:45,170
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 9
(VOICEOVER): Sorry, soldier.
1249
01:02:45,170 --> 01:02:46,560
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7
(VOICEOVER): Go back to Jersey.
1250
01:02:46,560 --> 01:02:48,290
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6
(VOICEOVER): Not qualified.
1251
01:02:48,290 --> 01:02:50,520
[PHONE RINGS]
1252
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:51,880
Tim can't come to
the phone right now...
1253
01:02:51,880 --> 01:02:52,450
TIMMY'S DAD
(VOICEOVER): Hey, Tiger.
1254
01:02:52,450 --> 01:02:53,530
It's your Dad.
1255
01:02:53,530 --> 01:02:56,080
They found my arm
in a field in Texas
1256
01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:57,840
And I'll be using
what little savings
1257
01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:59,640
We had to get it stitched on.
1258
01:02:59,640 --> 01:03:01,350
So I certainly can't
pay for your tuition.
1259
01:03:01,350 --> 01:03:02,050
Cheer up.
1260
01:03:02,050 --> 01:03:04,200
There's still 30 minutes
left of this movie.
1261
01:03:04,200 --> 01:03:07,380
Maybe that fat kid... he'll
come up with some plot to raise
1262
01:03:07,380 --> 01:03:08,750
The money for your tuition.
Fuck!
1263
01:03:08,750 --> 01:03:09,560
Fuck!
TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Damn.
1264
01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:11,090
Calm the fuck down, you homo.
1265
01:03:11,090 --> 01:03:12,140
Hey, what are you doing?
1266
01:03:12,140 --> 01:03:14,030
That table's an antique.
1267
01:03:14,030 --> 01:03:15,160
Fuck college.
1268
01:03:15,160 --> 01:03:16,400
Who cares if all
your friends will
1269
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:18,140
Be more successful than you?
1270
01:03:18,140 --> 01:03:20,380
In fact, you don't care if you
never have sex in your life,
1271
01:03:20,380 --> 01:03:21,080
Do you?
1272
01:03:21,080 --> 01:03:23,670
Any rate, I'll call you the
next time there's a hole
1273
01:03:23,670 --> 01:03:25,640
In the plot of this movie.
1274
01:03:25,640 --> 01:03:26,610
[PHONE RINGS]
1275
01:03:26,610 --> 01:03:27,450
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
1276
01:03:27,450 --> 01:03:28,430
Hey, Timbo.
1277
01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:29,690
It's Dad again.
1278
01:03:29,690 --> 01:03:30,870
I forgot to tell you.
1279
01:03:30,870 --> 01:03:33,740
Don't drink the Jack Daniels.
I pee in it.
1280
01:03:33,740 --> 01:03:34,940
[BURPING]
1281
01:03:34,940 --> 01:03:35,690
Heh.
1282
01:03:35,690 --> 01:03:37,240
Just kidding, kid.
1283
01:03:37,240 --> 01:03:37,940
I peed in the beer.
1284
01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:57,460
Have you been bad?
1285
01:03:57,460 --> 01:03:59,520
I've been very bad.
1286
01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:01,050
Private shows, $50.
1287
01:04:06,950 --> 01:04:08,790
I got $50.
1288
01:04:08,790 --> 01:04:12,450
And so Little Timmy
ordered a stripper.
1289
01:04:12,450 --> 01:04:14,420
Fucking loser.
1290
01:04:14,420 --> 01:04:16,740
Oh, everyone's going
to school, except you!
1291
01:04:16,740 --> 01:04:18,710
[LAUGHING]
1292
01:04:18,710 --> 01:04:20,190
But me.
1293
01:04:20,190 --> 01:04:21,580
You have a stripper coming.
1294
01:04:21,580 --> 01:04:23,170
Heh heh heh.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
1295
01:04:23,170 --> 01:04:25,630
Oh, my god.
1296
01:04:25,630 --> 01:04:28,450
All right.
1297
01:04:28,450 --> 01:04:29,880
Who is it?
Candygram!
1298
01:04:33,310 --> 01:04:34,850
What have I done?
1299
01:04:34,850 --> 01:04:37,060
D'oh, you ordered a
stripper, you moron!
1300
01:04:41,730 --> 01:04:42,650
Hi.
1301
01:04:42,650 --> 01:04:47,310
I'm Demanda and
this is a Guardo.
1302
01:04:47,310 --> 01:04:49,200
Guardo, why don't
you wait in the car?
1303
01:04:49,200 --> 01:04:51,200
I'll handle this
boy all by myself.
1304
01:04:53,990 --> 01:04:57,500
Don't forget to get the
cookies and milk first.
1305
01:04:57,500 --> 01:04:58,860
Mhm.
1306
01:04:58,860 --> 01:05:01,420
Look at you.
1307
01:05:01,420 --> 01:05:03,890
I could eat you alive.
1308
01:05:03,890 --> 01:05:05,390
SAM (VOICEOVER): She
reminded me of that girl
1309
01:05:05,390 --> 01:05:06,720
From the last movie.
1310
01:05:06,720 --> 01:05:08,710
Only this one was trouble.
1311
01:05:08,710 --> 01:05:12,960
Trouble with a capital
V. A V for vampire.
1312
01:05:12,960 --> 01:05:13,740
Oh, wait.
1313
01:05:13,740 --> 01:05:16,240
Did I just give away
a crucial plot point?
1314
01:05:16,240 --> 01:05:18,690
Uh, never mind.
1315
01:05:18,690 --> 01:05:22,760
Fresh meat.
1316
01:05:22,760 --> 01:05:23,550
Ah!
1317
01:05:23,550 --> 01:05:25,510
So what's your pleasure?
1318
01:05:25,510 --> 01:05:27,720
Some rough stuff?
1319
01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:31,490
Some S and M?
1320
01:05:31,490 --> 01:05:34,320
[MOANING]
1321
01:05:34,320 --> 01:05:35,570
Finger in your ass?
1322
01:05:35,570 --> 01:05:36,710
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1323
01:05:36,710 --> 01:05:39,760
Or some anal beads?
1324
01:05:39,760 --> 01:05:40,460
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1325
01:05:40,460 --> 01:05:41,160
Execution.
1326
01:05:41,160 --> 01:05:42,870
[PHONE RINGS]
1327
01:05:42,870 --> 01:05:45,260
How dare you talk
back, you piece of shit!
1328
01:05:45,260 --> 01:05:46,870
TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER):
Timbo, it's Dad again.
1329
01:05:46,870 --> 01:05:49,000
I want to remind you to
tape the hockey game.
1330
01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:50,440
How do you like these?
1331
01:05:50,440 --> 01:05:51,400
[BOINGING SOUND]
1332
01:05:53,020 --> 01:05:54,350
TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER):
And... and maybe
1333
01:05:54,350 --> 01:05:57,410
You can wear a pair of pants
that'll cover your stinkhole.
1334
01:05:57,410 --> 01:05:59,500
You never know when
some crazy stripper's
1335
01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:02,370
Going to come along and shove
a whip up your ass, right?
1336
01:06:02,370 --> 01:06:03,750
How do you think
I met your mother?
1337
01:06:03,750 --> 01:06:05,870
Oh, god.
Stop.
1338
01:06:05,870 --> 01:06:07,890
Stop!
1339
01:06:07,890 --> 01:06:11,770
Ooh, you've been
a bad, bad boy!
1340
01:06:11,770 --> 01:06:12,950
Stop!
That hurts!
1341
01:06:12,950 --> 01:06:17,420
You didn't study,
piece of shit!
1342
01:06:17,420 --> 01:06:18,470
I'm going to be sick, lady.
1343
01:06:18,470 --> 01:06:19,430
Stop.
1344
01:06:19,430 --> 01:06:21,350
[MOANING]
1345
01:06:21,350 --> 01:06:22,310
Hey!
1346
01:06:22,310 --> 01:06:24,820
I wasn't done yet.
1347
01:06:24,820 --> 01:06:25,700
I'm sorry.
1348
01:06:25,700 --> 01:06:27,130
Money's at the table.
Hey!
1349
01:06:27,130 --> 01:06:28,880
Hey, come back!
1350
01:06:28,880 --> 01:06:31,820
[VOMITING]
1351
01:06:33,560 --> 01:06:36,560
What the fuck?
1352
01:06:36,560 --> 01:06:38,830
Piece of shit's lunch money.
Goddammit!
1353
01:06:42,180 --> 01:06:43,590
Hey, what the fuck?
1354
01:06:43,590 --> 01:06:46,400
[VOMITING]
1355
01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:49,340
If you don't come
out, I'm gonna leave.
1356
01:06:49,340 --> 01:06:50,730
I'm sorry.
1357
01:06:50,730 --> 01:06:53,600
You can go ahead and leave.
1358
01:06:53,600 --> 01:06:56,120
The money's on... on the table.
1359
01:06:56,120 --> 01:06:56,980
Yeah.
1360
01:06:56,980 --> 01:06:58,460
What is this... a tip?
1361
01:06:58,460 --> 01:07:00,350
[VOMITING]
1362
01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,720
I'll be back, you
fucking bookworm.
1363
01:07:02,720 --> 01:07:04,830
[VOMITING]
1364
01:07:05,660 --> 01:07:06,710
I feel like Karen Carpenter.
1365
01:07:12,860 --> 01:07:13,890
Hey, here's 50 for starters.
1366
01:07:13,890 --> 01:07:16,140
I'll get the rest.
1367
01:07:16,140 --> 01:07:18,040
You stupid bitch.
1368
01:07:18,040 --> 01:07:19,560
What did I tell you?
1369
01:07:19,560 --> 01:07:21,820
Get the cookies first.
1370
01:07:21,820 --> 01:07:23,910
I said I'd get it.
1371
01:07:23,910 --> 01:07:25,810
Do you think hair
grows on trees?
1372
01:07:25,810 --> 01:07:27,620
Get the fucking cookies.
1373
01:07:27,620 --> 01:07:29,080
Don't go fucking
rank on me, Guardo.
1374
01:07:29,080 --> 01:07:30,570
I'll kick your ass.
1375
01:07:30,570 --> 01:07:32,420
No cookies, no ride.
1376
01:07:32,420 --> 01:07:34,600
Fuck you in your ass.
1377
01:07:34,600 --> 01:07:36,560
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO -
"CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]
1378
01:07:36,560 --> 01:07:38,510
Fuck you.
1379
01:07:38,510 --> 01:07:39,980
Fuck you.
1380
01:07:39,980 --> 01:07:41,690
[VOMITING]
1381
01:07:41,690 --> 01:07:42,560
C'mon out of there, buddy.
1382
01:07:42,560 --> 01:07:44,420
We need to talk.
1383
01:07:44,420 --> 01:07:46,560
Money, my ass!
1384
01:07:46,560 --> 01:07:48,570
Ah!
1385
01:07:48,570 --> 01:07:50,050
[PHONE RINGS]
1386
01:07:50,050 --> 01:07:50,880
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
1387
01:07:50,880 --> 01:07:51,910
TIMMY'S DAD
(VOICEOVER): Hey, Timbo.
1388
01:07:51,910 --> 01:07:52,660
It's Dad.
1389
01:07:52,660 --> 01:07:54,770
This scene is really boring.
1390
01:07:54,770 --> 01:07:56,810
Let's put some boner
vision on the screen.
1391
01:07:56,810 --> 01:07:59,030
Easy, bitch.
I'm hammered.
1392
01:07:59,030 --> 01:08:01,030
You need to come up with $250.
1393
01:08:01,030 --> 01:08:02,410
250 bucks?
1394
01:08:02,410 --> 01:08:05,010
In cab fare.
1395
01:08:05,010 --> 01:08:07,890
Where did you come
up with that number?
1396
01:08:07,890 --> 01:08:09,290
The ad says $50.
1397
01:08:12,800 --> 01:08:15,180
$50 carpet cleaning.
1398
01:08:15,180 --> 01:08:17,770
$250 private shows.
1399
01:08:17,770 --> 01:08:18,740
Oh, my god, lady.
1400
01:08:18,740 --> 01:08:19,780
I'm so sorry.
1401
01:08:19,780 --> 01:08:22,090
You're not sorry until
I'm done with you!
1402
01:08:22,090 --> 01:08:23,150
You'll never...
1403
01:08:23,150 --> 01:08:25,490
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO -
"CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]
1404
01:08:28,770 --> 01:08:30,100
I... I'll think of something.
1405
01:08:30,100 --> 01:08:32,050
I promise.
1406
01:08:32,050 --> 01:08:34,480
Oh, what the...
1407
01:08:34,480 --> 01:08:37,230
[LAUGHING]
1408
01:08:37,230 --> 01:08:38,900
Don't, guys.
1409
01:08:38,900 --> 01:08:39,800
Don't leave!
1410
01:08:39,800 --> 01:08:41,270
Don't leave.
1411
01:08:41,270 --> 01:08:42,280
What's going on here?
1412
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:44,300
You boys need to
come up with some cash
1413
01:08:44,300 --> 01:08:45,730
Or your buddy here is dust.
1414
01:08:45,730 --> 01:08:47,890
250 bucks plus cab fare.
1415
01:08:47,890 --> 01:08:49,350
What does he owe you for?
1416
01:08:49,350 --> 01:08:50,830
I dance and do role
playing scenarios.
1417
01:08:50,830 --> 01:08:52,840
Get it?
Nice.
1418
01:08:52,840 --> 01:08:55,170
You mean, you come in here
and kick the shit out of him.
1419
01:08:55,170 --> 01:08:56,780
Oh, well I'm not
usually as rough,
1420
01:08:56,780 --> 01:08:59,480
But I've just been ripped off!
1421
01:08:59,480 --> 01:09:01,530
What... what?
1422
01:09:01,530 --> 01:09:04,250
All his funding fell through.
1423
01:09:04,250 --> 01:09:06,220
You're fucking kidding me.
1424
01:09:06,220 --> 01:09:09,060
No, not kidding.
1425
01:09:09,060 --> 01:09:11,160
This means you can't come to
college with us next year, Tim.
1426
01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:14,020
I know.
1427
01:09:14,020 --> 01:09:16,270
This fucks up the whole plan.
1428
01:09:16,270 --> 01:09:18,260
I need a ride home
right fuckin' now.
1429
01:09:18,260 --> 01:09:19,570
What are you guys talking about?
1430
01:09:19,570 --> 01:09:20,290
And my money!
1431
01:09:20,290 --> 01:09:21,110
You understand?
1432
01:09:21,110 --> 01:09:21,840
Yes, yes I do.
1433
01:09:21,840 --> 01:09:24,410
Why don't you come with us?
1434
01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:25,890
Get out of my way
and get me home!
1435
01:09:25,890 --> 01:09:26,790
Yes... yes, ma'am.
1436
01:09:29,480 --> 01:09:31,350
Hey, maybe there's time you
can finish your performance
1437
01:09:31,350 --> 01:09:32,750
For me and Bill.
Yeah!
1438
01:09:32,750 --> 01:09:33,510
I fucking think not.
1439
01:09:37,810 --> 01:09:40,680
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO -
"CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"]
1440
01:09:49,140 --> 01:09:51,790
We gotta figure something out.
1441
01:09:51,790 --> 01:09:53,460
Can't just let him stay here.
1442
01:09:53,460 --> 01:09:54,860
We'll figure something out.
1443
01:09:54,860 --> 01:09:56,740
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1444
01:09:56,740 --> 01:09:59,980
So much do you make
on a good night?
1445
01:09:59,980 --> 01:10:01,510
I dunno, a grand or so.
1446
01:10:01,510 --> 01:10:03,500
[FARTING SOUNDS]
Whoa.
1447
01:10:03,500 --> 01:10:05,000
They fucking what?
1448
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:08,210
Guess how much she makes on
a night of doing this shit.
1449
01:10:08,210 --> 01:10:09,000
I dunno.
1450
01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:10,340
500, 600?
1451
01:10:10,340 --> 01:10:13,080
Try over a grand.
1452
01:10:13,080 --> 01:10:15,550
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1453
01:10:15,550 --> 01:10:18,420
You thinking what I'm thinking?
NARRATOR: Heh heh.
1454
01:10:18,420 --> 01:10:20,760
Yes, the boys were
thinking the same thing.
1455
01:10:20,760 --> 01:10:22,620
With the exception of
10 pounds of mozzarella
1456
01:10:22,620 --> 01:10:24,740
And 30 naked schoolboys.
1457
01:10:24,740 --> 01:10:27,920
Yep, the guys deduced that the
only way to get Tim to college
1458
01:10:27,920 --> 01:10:30,240
Was to form an elite
society of gay ninjas
1459
01:10:30,240 --> 01:10:31,840
That would overthrow
the government.
1460
01:10:31,840 --> 01:10:33,190
Heh heh heh.
1461
01:10:33,190 --> 01:10:35,780
But we couldn't find any
ninjas in the Topeka area
1462
01:10:35,780 --> 01:10:38,360
So the guys decided to throw a
fundraising party where Julie
1463
01:10:38,360 --> 01:10:40,350
And friends would strip
and the proceeds would
1464
01:10:40,350 --> 01:10:41,910
Pay for Tim's college tuition.
1465
01:10:41,910 --> 01:10:43,640
Selling tickets for an
all night stripper bash
1466
01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:45,870
At Tim's house tomorrow night.
NARRATOR: Heh heh.
1467
01:10:45,870 --> 01:10:47,700
That's what I just said.
1468
01:10:47,700 --> 01:10:48,950
Would you do it for two?
1469
01:10:48,950 --> 01:10:50,230
2,000 and you got a deal.
1470
01:10:50,230 --> 01:10:51,840
[TEARS CHECK]
1471
01:10:51,840 --> 01:10:52,540
Here you go.
1472
01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:58,380
NARRATOR: And there goes
Julie's strange vagina,
1473
01:10:58,380 --> 01:11:00,650
Paid for by the good people of
the Bush re-election committee.
1474
01:11:00,650 --> 01:11:03,730
You'll never find
me, American swine.
1475
01:11:03,730 --> 01:11:05,670
NARRATOR: Back at the
vampire mansion... Poontang,
1476
01:11:05,670 --> 01:11:08,450
The studio's Vietnamese vampire
art student was performing
1477
01:11:08,450 --> 01:11:10,720
Her interpretive dance
on the fall of Saigon
1478
01:11:10,720 --> 01:11:12,390
And how napalm causes vampirism.
1479
01:11:20,260 --> 01:11:22,740
Did you bring the marshmallows?
1480
01:11:31,780 --> 01:11:33,290
Well, hello, Demanda.
1481
01:11:33,290 --> 01:11:35,160
Welcome home.
1482
01:11:35,160 --> 01:11:38,660
Where the hell is Guardo?
1483
01:11:38,660 --> 01:11:39,630
He's out back.
1484
01:11:43,510 --> 01:11:44,300
[WHIPPING]
[SCREAMING]
1485
01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:46,000
Ow!
Watch the hair, bitch.
1486
01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:47,840
You don't even know
what bitch means!
1487
01:11:47,840 --> 01:11:48,950
Ow!
1488
01:11:48,950 --> 01:11:51,580
Ooh, what's in here?
1489
01:11:51,580 --> 01:11:53,520
Sucker mother fucker!
1490
01:11:53,520 --> 01:11:58,390
How dare you fucking leave
me at a place like that?
1491
01:11:58,390 --> 01:12:01,740
Did Demanda forget
the cookies again?
1492
01:12:01,740 --> 01:12:04,800
Yep, and she headed
straight for Guardo's room.
1493
01:12:04,800 --> 01:12:06,170
I'm going to make
mince meat out of you.
1494
01:12:06,170 --> 01:12:07,310
That's what I'm gonna do.
1495
01:12:07,310 --> 01:12:09,250
You're gonna be sorry that
you ever laid eyes on a woman
1496
01:12:09,250 --> 01:12:09,950
Like me.
1497
01:12:09,950 --> 01:12:11,740
You little bald
head piece of shit,
1498
01:12:11,740 --> 01:12:17,130
Goatee wearing mother fuckin'
tattoo piece of ass fucker.
1499
01:12:17,130 --> 01:12:19,420
You pissed me off.
1500
01:12:19,420 --> 01:12:20,170
I'm sorry.
1501
01:12:20,170 --> 01:12:21,670
I fucked up, OK?
1502
01:12:21,670 --> 01:12:23,680
Jesus.
1503
01:12:23,680 --> 01:12:25,920
- He's so fucked!
- I know.
1504
01:12:25,920 --> 01:12:28,360
What's eating her anyway?
1505
01:12:28,360 --> 01:12:30,000
Should I cut your
dick off or should
1506
01:12:30,000 --> 01:12:32,170
I just aim for your guts?
1507
01:12:32,170 --> 01:12:33,130
Hm?
1508
01:12:33,130 --> 01:12:36,970
Ah, my shirt!
Whoa.
1509
01:12:36,970 --> 01:12:38,450
Stupid piece of shit.
1510
01:12:43,600 --> 01:12:45,880
Did you just do
what I think you did?
1511
01:12:45,880 --> 01:12:46,900
I hope so.
1512
01:12:46,900 --> 01:12:48,250
He was creep.
1513
01:12:48,250 --> 01:12:50,690
Stupid piece of shit.
1514
01:12:50,690 --> 01:12:53,040
Let's get these
clothes off you.
1515
01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:53,740
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1516
01:12:53,740 --> 01:12:55,330
Oh, that's so sexy.
1517
01:12:55,330 --> 01:12:56,850
It turns me on.
1518
01:12:56,850 --> 01:12:59,410
OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER):
Hello, my name is Oliver Stone.
1519
01:12:59,410 --> 01:13:00,350
I am a filmmaker.
1520
01:13:00,350 --> 01:13:04,810
Some people say I
directed this scene here
1521
01:13:04,810 --> 01:13:08,980
And Tuition of the Terror Twat.
1522
01:13:08,980 --> 01:13:15,520
And the feeling I was going for
was to really evoke the emotion
1523
01:13:15,520 --> 01:13:19,380
Of what it means to be
a vampire in today's
1524
01:13:19,380 --> 01:13:21,510
Modern oppressive society.
1525
01:13:21,510 --> 01:13:25,300
What I did was... I
decided to light it
1526
01:13:25,300 --> 01:13:30,850
In this horrible green light and
make it completely unwhackable,
1527
01:13:30,850 --> 01:13:32,270
Which is sort of
what I was going
1528
01:13:32,270 --> 01:13:35,950
For to... to show the
sickness of being a lesbian
1529
01:13:35,950 --> 01:13:37,220
And being a vampire.
1530
01:13:37,220 --> 01:13:40,580
And I think the
emotion I got was
1531
01:13:40,580 --> 01:13:50,050
Repulsion, sensuality, motion
sickness, and... and assholes.
1532
01:13:50,050 --> 01:13:52,810
Uh, it was important to get
the shot of the woman's ass
1533
01:13:52,810 --> 01:13:58,180
To show that we really are,
uh... at the end, so to speak,
1534
01:13:58,180 --> 01:13:59,830
Of existence.
1535
01:13:59,830 --> 01:14:02,350
And the asshole
sort of... is sort
1536
01:14:02,350 --> 01:14:06,450
Of a symbol of... sort of the
apex of where we're all headed.
1537
01:14:06,450 --> 01:14:09,340
Into this small,
black hole and we
1538
01:14:09,340 --> 01:14:11,360
Don't know what's
going to come out of it
1539
01:14:11,360 --> 01:14:13,120
Or what's coming into it.
1540
01:14:13,120 --> 01:14:17,150
As the, uh, poet laureate,
um... uh, Dan Schnurman, said,
1541
01:14:17,150 --> 01:14:21,000
Um... in his famous poem.
1542
01:14:21,000 --> 01:14:22,960
Shitty, shitty lighting.
1543
01:14:22,960 --> 01:14:24,660
Shitty lighting.
1544
01:14:24,660 --> 01:14:27,850
Oh, how it ruins a shitty movie.
1545
01:14:27,850 --> 01:14:29,400
I think it... it... oh, OK.
1546
01:14:29,400 --> 01:14:33,030
We're rounding up and we
realized that the, um...
1547
01:14:33,030 --> 01:14:36,740
The vampires clothed
Julie Strain and I...
1548
01:14:36,740 --> 01:14:39,160
And it was very interesting
to work with them.
1549
01:14:39,160 --> 01:14:40,950
We didn't need him anyway.
1550
01:14:40,950 --> 01:14:43,110
We didn't?
1551
01:14:43,110 --> 01:14:44,090
Hell no.
1552
01:14:44,090 --> 01:14:48,000
Tomorrow night we
work and we feast.
1553
01:14:48,000 --> 01:14:49,790
Really?
1554
01:14:49,790 --> 01:14:54,080
We'll tease and we'll taste.
1555
01:14:54,080 --> 01:14:56,100
I'm hungry.
1556
01:14:56,100 --> 01:14:58,490
Soon your teeth
will be biting into
1557
01:14:58,490 --> 01:15:03,510
Their thick, buttery flesh.
1558
01:15:03,510 --> 01:15:05,690
Me so hungry.
1559
01:15:05,690 --> 01:15:08,510
Why don't you girls go
and get a little appetizer?
1560
01:15:08,510 --> 01:15:09,500
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1561
01:15:09,500 --> 01:15:11,990
Pu pu platter?
1562
01:15:11,990 --> 01:15:14,640
There's enough of
Guardo to go around.
1563
01:15:14,640 --> 01:15:16,480
[BURPING]
1564
01:15:16,480 --> 01:15:20,020
I saved the big pieces
for you two to fight over.
1565
01:15:20,020 --> 01:15:22,730
Yeah!
1566
01:15:22,730 --> 01:15:25,890
But don't forget
to eat the bones.
1567
01:15:25,890 --> 01:15:29,390
I don't feel like digging
any holes tonight.
1568
01:15:29,390 --> 01:15:31,300
Except my own.
1569
01:15:31,300 --> 01:15:32,850
[GRUNTING]
Fucker.
1570
01:15:39,800 --> 01:15:40,970
Where's the duck sauce?
1571
01:15:43,900 --> 01:15:44,980
[INAUDIBLE]
1572
01:15:44,980 --> 01:15:46,780
BORIS KAMINSKI (VOICEOVER):
My name is Boris Kaminski.
1573
01:15:46,780 --> 01:15:48,540
I director of photography.
1574
01:15:48,540 --> 01:15:51,740
Idea for the scene here...
Make look very ugly.
1575
01:15:51,740 --> 01:15:54,450
We would shoot bad
framing, bad light.
1576
01:15:54,450 --> 01:15:58,350
Focus on wrong character and
shoot against open window.
1577
01:15:58,350 --> 01:16:00,930
The idea was to make
it look very amateur.
1578
01:16:00,930 --> 01:16:03,440
It have to look shitty.
1579
01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:06,790
We're throwing a stripper
party here tonight.
1580
01:16:06,790 --> 01:16:08,500
What, are you guys
on fucking crack?
1581
01:16:08,500 --> 01:16:09,850
It's your scholarship party.
1582
01:16:09,850 --> 01:16:11,910
- Yes!
- I told you.
1583
01:16:11,910 --> 01:16:13,030
I didn't get a scholarship.
1584
01:16:13,030 --> 01:16:14,110
Dude, we're raising money.
1585
01:16:14,110 --> 01:16:14,810
No.
1586
01:16:14,810 --> 01:16:15,740
Don't... don't... don't start.
1587
01:16:15,740 --> 01:16:17,650
D-d-d-d-don't
worry about it, Tim.
1588
01:16:17,650 --> 01:16:20,180
We won't tell anybody.
1589
01:16:20,180 --> 01:16:21,290
I don't know, guys.
1590
01:16:21,290 --> 01:16:24,090
This doesn't sound like
a good idea at all.
1591
01:16:24,090 --> 01:16:25,100
What are you worried about?
1592
01:16:25,100 --> 01:16:27,760
I'm gonna get my ass kicked
if my... if my dad finds...
1593
01:16:27,760 --> 01:16:30,210
Your dad's going to kill
you when he figures out
1594
01:16:30,210 --> 01:16:31,600
You're not going to
college because you
1595
01:16:31,600 --> 01:16:32,620
Missed the fucking deadline.
1596
01:16:32,620 --> 01:16:34,630
If he finds out that
I had a party and I'm
1597
01:16:34,630 --> 01:16:35,430
Not getting into school.
1598
01:16:35,430 --> 01:16:38,200
Because we're throwing a
stripper party for you, OK?
1599
01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:39,420
And you're getting into college.
1600
01:16:39,420 --> 01:16:40,670
This has nothing
to do with college.
1601
01:16:40,670 --> 01:16:42,230
You're getting people here...
You just want to see strippers.
1602
01:16:42,230 --> 01:16:43,460
This is for you
going to college.
1603
01:16:43,460 --> 01:16:45,240
You're gettin' pussy.
You're gettin' laid.
1604
01:16:45,240 --> 01:16:48,540
You're gettin' fucking fucked
up every night for four years,
1605
01:16:48,540 --> 01:16:50,440
And then you're gonna get
a fucking degree, baby.
1606
01:16:50,440 --> 01:16:51,700
With us!
1607
01:16:51,700 --> 01:16:52,490
This is going to rock!
1608
01:16:52,490 --> 01:16:56,390
So let's Shaq attack!
1609
01:16:56,390 --> 01:16:59,650
Check it.
1610
01:16:59,650 --> 01:17:00,680
Whassup, fellas?
1611
01:17:00,680 --> 01:17:02,080
- Watch out.
- What are you doing?
1612
01:17:02,080 --> 01:17:03,970
Whassup?
1613
01:17:03,970 --> 01:17:06,010
Y'all want to see some
fine ass bitches tonight?
1614
01:17:06,010 --> 01:17:07,480
Yo, do you know this guy?
1615
01:17:07,480 --> 01:17:09,400
All right, if they start
kicking his ass, I'm leaving.
1616
01:17:09,400 --> 01:17:10,370
Don't be leaving me hanging.
1617
01:17:10,370 --> 01:17:12,210
You know what I'm saying?
Ahem.
1618
01:17:12,210 --> 01:17:14,280
Ahem.
1619
01:17:14,280 --> 01:17:16,440
Y'all want to come
to the party or what?
1620
01:17:16,440 --> 01:17:18,850
Get lost.
1621
01:17:18,850 --> 01:17:20,480
Fellas.
1622
01:17:20,480 --> 01:17:26,150
For 100 bucks... intimate contact
with three fine ass bitches.
1623
01:17:26,150 --> 01:17:27,060
Check it.
1624
01:17:27,060 --> 01:17:28,570
- Let me see that.
- Check it.
1625
01:17:31,260 --> 01:17:32,060
All right, home boy.
1626
01:17:32,060 --> 01:17:34,400
But I'm not going anywhere
with you talking like that.
1627
01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:35,630
[LAUGHING]
1628
01:17:38,530 --> 01:17:40,540
Oh, OK.
OK.
1629
01:17:40,540 --> 01:17:41,570
Oh, fuck.
1630
01:17:41,570 --> 01:17:42,280
- You got me.
- OK.
1631
01:17:42,280 --> 01:17:43,880
You got me.
You got me.
1632
01:17:43,880 --> 01:17:45,540
Thank you.
1633
01:17:45,540 --> 01:17:46,670
And she's going to be there?
1634
01:17:46,670 --> 01:17:48,100
Yes.
1635
01:17:48,100 --> 01:17:49,370
OK.
1636
01:17:49,370 --> 01:17:52,570
Fellas, I'll see you there.
1637
01:17:52,570 --> 01:17:54,070
[LAUGHING]
All right.
1638
01:18:04,470 --> 01:18:05,690
What do you think?
1639
01:18:05,690 --> 01:18:06,600
All right, stop.
1640
01:18:06,600 --> 01:18:10,140
Let's go raise
some money for Tim.
1641
01:18:10,140 --> 01:18:12,450
And let's make some
freaking money.
1642
01:18:12,450 --> 01:18:13,220
Hey, man.
1643
01:18:13,220 --> 01:18:14,030
We're going to have
a stripper party.
1644
01:18:14,030 --> 01:18:15,290
You wanna come?
Hey, buddy.
1645
01:18:15,290 --> 01:18:16,280
Want to see some strippers?
1646
01:18:16,280 --> 01:18:17,810
Hey, Jews for stripper parties?
1647
01:18:17,810 --> 01:18:19,760
Hey, come to my... oh.
1648
01:18:19,760 --> 01:18:20,550
Strippers!
1649
01:18:20,550 --> 01:18:22,050
Want to help a poor
white boy go to college?
1650
01:18:22,050 --> 01:18:24,000
Come to my party tonight.
1651
01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:28,060
You think maybe I'll see your
balls at the stripper party?
1652
01:18:28,060 --> 01:18:30,530
Are there going to
be comic books there?
1653
01:18:30,530 --> 01:18:32,500
Strippers.
1654
01:18:32,500 --> 01:18:33,630
Oh, you gotta
just pay 100 bucks.
1655
01:18:33,630 --> 01:18:34,930
Are you showing your
cute little butt?
1656
01:18:34,930 --> 01:18:36,520
Huh?
Yeah, yeah.
1657
01:18:36,520 --> 01:18:39,770
I'll strip for you
if you're paying.
1658
01:18:39,770 --> 01:18:40,470
Jerry!
1659
01:18:40,470 --> 01:18:41,610
Here's $100.
1660
01:18:41,610 --> 01:18:45,080
I'll see you later,
complete stranger.
1661
01:18:45,080 --> 01:18:46,660
$33!
1662
01:18:46,660 --> 01:18:51,140
That'll totally pay for college!
Cherine!
1663
01:18:51,140 --> 01:18:53,350
Why did you turn off
the editing machine?
1664
01:18:53,350 --> 01:18:54,690
The movie is great.
1665
01:18:54,690 --> 01:18:55,680
What's wrong with you?
1666
01:18:55,680 --> 01:18:56,430
We gotta hurry up.
1667
01:18:56,430 --> 01:18:57,630
Michael Hirsh is
going to kill us
1668
01:18:57,630 --> 01:18:59,420
If we don't finish this movie.
1669
01:18:59,420 --> 01:19:03,640
This story doesn't
make sense whatsoever.
1670
01:19:03,640 --> 01:19:04,970
What are you talking about?
1671
01:19:04,970 --> 01:19:06,500
The script is perfectly logical.
1672
01:19:06,500 --> 01:19:08,630
Do you think this kid's going
to collect that kind of money
1673
01:19:08,630 --> 01:19:11,200
From some stupid, lame
ass stripper party?
1674
01:19:11,200 --> 01:19:15,050
Who the hell would pay over
$100 for some stupid party
1675
01:19:15,050 --> 01:19:18,340
When they can go out and get
a blow job for a mere $20?
1676
01:19:18,340 --> 01:19:21,660
This story is a big
pile of shit, OK?
1677
01:19:21,660 --> 01:19:23,780
The conflict of
the story is bogus.
1678
01:19:23,780 --> 01:19:26,210
Why couldn't he just go
out and get a student loan
1679
01:19:26,210 --> 01:19:27,620
Or go to a community college?
1680
01:19:27,620 --> 01:19:30,320
Or for god's sakes,
go and get a job.
1681
01:19:30,320 --> 01:19:33,130
This story is a
big pile of shit.
1682
01:19:33,130 --> 01:19:34,520
It's crap.
It's shit.
1683
01:19:34,520 --> 01:19:35,730
- You... you want shit?
- No, I don't!
1684
01:19:35,730 --> 01:19:36,740
You want shit?
1685
01:19:36,740 --> 01:19:39,030
The Crap Keeper is going
to give you shit, Cherine.
1686
01:19:39,030 --> 01:19:40,620
Here we go.
No, don't do that.
1687
01:19:40,620 --> 01:19:42,110
[GRUNTING]
1688
01:19:42,110 --> 01:19:44,580
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1689
01:19:47,050 --> 01:19:50,010
[SCREAMING]
1690
01:19:50,010 --> 01:19:51,010
Look at it.
1691
01:19:51,010 --> 01:19:54,040
It's warm and it's
wet and it's for you!
1692
01:19:54,040 --> 01:19:55,000
[LAUGHING]
1693
01:19:55,000 --> 01:19:55,960
You're going to die!
1694
01:20:00,280 --> 01:20:02,050
OK, Debbie Rochon.
1695
01:20:02,050 --> 01:20:05,040
Now I think it's your
turn to be the new editor!
1696
01:20:08,140 --> 01:20:10,300
Let's go back to editing
Tales from the Crapper.
1697
01:20:10,300 --> 01:20:11,140
OK.
Yes!
1698
01:20:11,140 --> 01:20:12,580
Yes!
Yes!
1699
01:20:12,580 --> 01:20:14,030
Here we go.
Here we go.
1700
01:20:14,030 --> 01:20:15,870
I say that we do the
long shot over there.
1701
01:20:19,290 --> 01:20:20,740
This is going to be
the greatest party.
1702
01:20:20,740 --> 01:20:21,680
Yeah, we'll see.
1703
01:20:21,680 --> 01:20:22,980
This place is going
to get trashed.
1704
01:20:22,980 --> 01:20:24,700
I'm going to get in trouble.
1705
01:20:24,700 --> 01:20:25,650
Dude.
1706
01:20:25,650 --> 01:20:26,680
Relax.
1707
01:20:26,680 --> 01:20:28,510
I got Jimmy covering
the door tonight.
1708
01:20:28,510 --> 01:20:29,480
What?
1709
01:20:29,480 --> 01:20:30,180
You're kidding.
1710
01:20:30,180 --> 01:20:30,880
Jimmy?
1711
01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:33,010
Yeah.
1712
01:20:33,010 --> 01:20:34,370
Not your brother, Jimmy.
1713
01:20:34,370 --> 01:20:35,900
Why not?
1714
01:20:35,900 --> 01:20:37,350
Dude.
1715
01:20:37,350 --> 01:20:39,690
I know he's your
brother and all.
1716
01:20:39,690 --> 01:20:42,410
But that guy's the
biggest fucking loser.
1717
01:20:42,410 --> 01:20:43,110
I mean, come on.
1718
01:20:43,110 --> 01:20:45,440
All he does is talk about
how much pussy he gets
1719
01:20:45,440 --> 01:20:46,790
And how big his cock is.
1720
01:20:46,790 --> 01:20:48,780
BRUCE FANCY (VOICEOVER):
Hello, I'm Bruce Fancy.
1721
01:20:48,780 --> 01:20:52,260
I was the, um, set
designer here on this film.
1722
01:20:52,260 --> 01:20:54,430
And this scene, I just wanted
to talk about the bucket
1723
01:20:54,430 --> 01:20:55,740
In the middle of the frame.
1724
01:20:55,740 --> 01:20:59,260
I felt that it was important
to put a bucket in the movie.
1725
01:20:59,260 --> 01:21:01,200
NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
at the Hall of Justice.
1726
01:21:01,200 --> 01:21:02,800
This movie cost how much?
1727
01:21:02,800 --> 01:21:04,670
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the
Hall of Big Breasted Lesbian
1728
01:21:04,670 --> 01:21:07,280
Vampires who are going to
kill our heroes... uh, I mean,
1729
01:21:07,280 --> 01:21:09,290
Whose mysterious
plans are unknown.
1730
01:21:09,290 --> 01:21:11,780
You girls ready?
1731
01:21:11,780 --> 01:21:13,030
Not really.
1732
01:21:13,030 --> 01:21:16,670
Hey, I was wondering
if vampires menstruate?
1733
01:21:16,670 --> 01:21:18,200
Why, yes they do.
1734
01:21:18,200 --> 01:21:23,650
In fact, vampires often drink
each other's menstrual blood.
1735
01:21:23,650 --> 01:21:26,070
[ROOSTER CROWS]
1736
01:21:28,770 --> 01:21:31,860
[SCREAMING]
1737
01:21:40,600 --> 01:21:42,850
Piece of shit.
1738
01:21:42,850 --> 01:21:44,520
Fucker.
1739
01:21:44,520 --> 01:21:46,150
You guys are here early.
1740
01:21:48,870 --> 01:21:50,820
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1741
01:21:50,820 --> 01:21:52,030
I smell shit.
1742
01:21:52,030 --> 01:21:53,430
Oh, wow.
1743
01:21:53,430 --> 01:21:54,870
What's your name?
1744
01:21:54,870 --> 01:21:56,190
Sunshine.
1745
01:21:56,190 --> 01:21:58,950
OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello,
uh, this is Oliver Stone again.
1746
01:21:58,950 --> 01:22:00,320
This is my favorite
scene in the movie.
1747
01:22:00,320 --> 01:22:01,600
Without a doubt, the best scene.
1748
01:22:01,600 --> 01:22:04,580
It's, um, the Ron Jeremy
improv comedy scene
1749
01:22:04,580 --> 01:22:07,290
Where we just let the
cameras roll and he uh...
1750
01:22:07,290 --> 01:22:09,460
Heh heh heh heh.
See that?
1751
01:22:09,460 --> 01:22:10,320
I mean, look at that.
1752
01:22:10,320 --> 01:22:11,200
He's great.
1753
01:22:11,200 --> 01:22:14,030
We just let the
cameras roll and... I'm
1754
01:22:14,030 --> 01:22:16,030
Still laughing about it...
Just how good he was.
1755
01:22:16,030 --> 01:22:19,150
Uh, and like he was
given a skeleton.
1756
01:22:19,150 --> 01:22:20,910
[LAUGHING]
Look at him.
1757
01:22:20,910 --> 01:22:22,090
Look at him.
He's great.
1758
01:22:22,090 --> 01:22:25,840
And everything he did... it's
just from... from his own mind.
1759
01:22:25,840 --> 01:22:28,400
I don't know why you got to
listen to my boring monotonous
1760
01:22:28,400 --> 01:22:30,090
Commentary.
1761
01:22:30,090 --> 01:22:31,750
Then you have Ron here.
1762
01:22:31,750 --> 01:22:33,270
Uh, you really
should switch over
1763
01:22:33,270 --> 01:22:35,980
To track one and just
listen to what he has to say
1764
01:22:35,980 --> 01:22:38,780
Because this is comedy, folks.
1765
01:22:38,780 --> 01:22:40,070
He's very funny.
1766
01:22:40,070 --> 01:22:41,750
Um, you know we were
actually... look at that.
1767
01:22:41,750 --> 01:22:43,330
See?
Isn't he good?
1768
01:22:43,330 --> 01:22:44,760
Kudos to Ron.
1769
01:22:44,760 --> 01:22:47,210
Kudos to the crew.
1770
01:22:47,210 --> 01:22:50,440
And kudos to my lighting
guy for... for lighting
1771
01:22:50,440 --> 01:22:53,670
That giant halo
over his head there.
1772
01:22:53,670 --> 01:22:56,130
[SHOUTING]
1773
01:22:56,130 --> 01:22:58,120
NARRATOR: Attention,
party goers.
1774
01:22:58,120 --> 01:23:03,440
Today's party attendance
is a record 2,000.
1775
01:23:03,440 --> 01:23:04,650
Chug, chug, chug!
1776
01:23:04,650 --> 01:23:06,050
Fucking chug it.
You will suck it.
1777
01:23:06,050 --> 01:23:07,010
Chug, chug, chug!
1778
01:23:19,180 --> 01:23:20,840
Barney Gumple is
a very big agent.
1779
01:23:20,840 --> 01:23:23,630
And this family comes into
Barney Gumple's office
1780
01:23:23,630 --> 01:23:27,580
And is a mother, father,
daughter, and a son,
1781
01:23:27,580 --> 01:23:28,710
And their dog, right?
1782
01:23:28,710 --> 01:23:29,470
This really happened.
1783
01:23:35,670 --> 01:23:36,850
Where's the fucking salsa?
1784
01:23:43,210 --> 01:23:45,380
I need some fucking salsa!
1785
01:23:45,380 --> 01:23:47,860
Barney Gumple says,
what do you guys do?
1786
01:23:47,860 --> 01:23:49,600
And they said, well,
let's just show you.
1787
01:23:49,600 --> 01:23:52,440
And the dad takes down his
pants and the son starts
1788
01:23:52,440 --> 01:23:53,880
Sucking the dad's dick, right?
1789
01:23:53,880 --> 01:23:56,160
And... which is weird.
1790
01:23:56,160 --> 01:23:57,780
Hey!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
1791
01:23:57,780 --> 01:23:58,930
Shut up in there!
1792
01:23:58,930 --> 01:23:59,860
Shut up in there!
1793
01:23:59,860 --> 01:24:01,550
But then the mom
gets down on her knees
1794
01:24:01,550 --> 01:24:04,000
And starts fisting
the dog's ass, right?
1795
01:24:08,340 --> 01:24:10,280
C'mon.
Don't be shy.
1796
01:24:10,280 --> 01:24:12,340
Silicone doesn't hurt.
1797
01:24:12,340 --> 01:24:13,550
How about a shaved pussy?
1798
01:24:13,550 --> 01:24:14,870
I don't know about that.
1799
01:24:14,870 --> 01:24:16,680
Um, guys?
1800
01:24:16,680 --> 01:24:17,930
Shut up, Tim.
1801
01:24:17,930 --> 01:24:20,080
And then the son takes
a crap on the floor.
1802
01:24:20,080 --> 01:24:22,180
The mom takes the son's
crap and smears it
1803
01:24:22,180 --> 01:24:23,700
All over the
daughter's ass, which
1804
01:24:23,700 --> 01:24:25,360
Then the dad eats out, right?
1805
01:24:41,020 --> 01:24:41,850
This is great.
1806
01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:54,120
You stay right there.
1807
01:24:54,120 --> 01:24:57,420
Oh ho ho, yeah.
1808
01:24:57,420 --> 01:24:59,480
Watch me pull a
rabbit out of my ass.
1809
01:24:59,480 --> 01:25:01,170
[FARTING SOUNDS]
Oh, my god.
1810
01:25:01,170 --> 01:25:02,260
Let me teach you something.
1811
01:25:02,260 --> 01:25:03,750
Dude, I'm getting tied up!
1812
01:25:03,750 --> 01:25:05,450
The mother eats that, and
then shits on the floor,
1813
01:25:05,450 --> 01:25:07,410
Then jacks off the son.
1814
01:25:07,410 --> 01:25:09,130
The son comes all over the dog.
1815
01:25:09,130 --> 01:25:11,560
The daughter licks
the come off the dog.
1816
01:25:11,560 --> 01:25:13,860
The dog then takes
a shit on the son.
1817
01:25:13,860 --> 01:25:14,660
No, I'm sorry.
1818
01:25:14,660 --> 01:25:16,760
The dog takes a shit
on the daughter.
1819
01:25:16,760 --> 01:25:18,350
Wait, no.
Let's start over.
1820
01:25:18,350 --> 01:25:20,320
You boys can
resist and stay put
1821
01:25:20,320 --> 01:25:23,870
While we go dance for your
other homo friends out there.
1822
01:25:23,870 --> 01:25:27,320
We'll have a big surprise
for you when you get back.
1823
01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:31,040
Keep those cocks hard
or we'll cut 'em off.
1824
01:25:31,040 --> 01:25:31,740
Ah.
1825
01:25:36,040 --> 01:25:36,740
Fucking ass.
1826
01:25:38,720 --> 01:25:40,490
LLOYD KAUFMAN (VOICEOVER):
Greetings from Tromaville.
1827
01:25:40,490 --> 01:25:41,940
This is Lloyd Kaufman.
1828
01:25:41,940 --> 01:25:45,280
Now, in this scene, I actually
had a bit of a dispute
1829
01:25:45,280 --> 01:25:46,630
With the editors.
1830
01:25:46,630 --> 01:25:49,190
They had this weird idea
that... that we should
1831
01:25:49,190 --> 01:25:52,280
Move the story along
and... and, uh...
1832
01:25:52,280 --> 01:25:53,340
What the heck's that all about?
1833
01:25:53,340 --> 01:25:55,650
I felt that whilst
the women in this film
1834
01:25:55,650 --> 01:25:58,730
Are rather attractive, the
lesbian scenes just don't
1835
01:25:58,730 --> 01:26:00,720
Have the magic, the spark.
1836
01:26:00,720 --> 01:26:02,890
And we got lucky
during some reshoots.
1837
01:26:02,890 --> 01:26:05,440
The winner of the Beat the
Geeks' Get Killed in a Troma
1838
01:26:05,440 --> 01:26:09,550
Movie contest... she happened to
enjoy being with the nice buff
1839
01:26:09,550 --> 01:26:10,780
Gal on the left.
1840
01:26:10,780 --> 01:26:12,040
And hey, what's
better than that?
1841
01:26:12,040 --> 01:26:12,840
Who needs story?
1842
01:26:12,840 --> 01:26:15,510
Who needs plot when you
got the hot lesbian action?
1843
01:26:15,510 --> 01:26:16,290
Look at that.
1844
01:26:16,290 --> 01:26:17,480
Now that's filmmaking.
[SLAPPING SOUNDS]
1845
01:26:17,480 --> 01:26:18,630
Look... Look at it.
Yeah, yeah.
1846
01:26:18,630 --> 01:26:20,210
Look at it.
Ooh, ooh.
1847
01:26:20,210 --> 01:26:22,030
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
1848
01:26:22,030 --> 01:26:23,460
I'm a good director.
Ah.
1849
01:26:23,460 --> 01:26:25,020
Oh.
Ah, ah.
1850
01:26:25,020 --> 01:26:26,570
[SPLOOGING]
Ahem.
1851
01:26:26,570 --> 01:26:27,500
Um, yes.
1852
01:26:27,500 --> 01:26:29,820
Well, I guess I'm finished
with my commentary
1853
01:26:29,820 --> 01:26:32,710
And, uh... let's go back
to the stupid movie now.
1854
01:26:32,710 --> 01:26:35,420
Anybody got a
Kleenex around here?
1855
01:26:35,420 --> 01:26:38,040
[SHOUTING]
1856
01:26:50,820 --> 01:26:51,750
C'mon!
1857
01:26:51,750 --> 01:26:52,750
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
1858
01:26:52,750 --> 01:26:54,220
Or somebody talk to somebody.
1859
01:26:54,220 --> 01:26:56,600
C'mon!
Dude.
1860
01:26:56,600 --> 01:26:58,580
These chicks are wild, man.
I'm telling you.
1861
01:26:58,580 --> 01:26:59,630
The dad's balls, right?
1862
01:26:59,630 --> 01:27:02,220
And the son goes down and
starts jacking off the dad.
1863
01:27:02,220 --> 01:27:04,380
The dad goes down and
starts fisting the daughter.
1864
01:27:04,380 --> 01:27:07,160
The daughter's getting
fisted also by the mother.
1865
01:27:07,160 --> 01:27:09,750
The mother stops and
shits all over the floor.
1866
01:27:09,750 --> 01:27:11,720
The dog...
1867
01:27:11,720 --> 01:27:13,250
I wonder what's
going on out there.
1868
01:27:13,250 --> 01:27:15,040
I don't know, but
it's making me horny.
1869
01:27:15,040 --> 01:27:16,430
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1870
01:27:16,430 --> 01:27:18,370
Guys, I'm free.
1871
01:27:18,370 --> 01:27:20,760
Tim, what are you doing?
1872
01:27:20,760 --> 01:27:22,530
Tie yourself back up, bitch!
1873
01:27:22,530 --> 01:27:26,230
Sit your ass back in
that fucking chair.
1874
01:27:26,230 --> 01:27:28,910
The father spits the dog
come in the mother's mouth.
1875
01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:31,490
The mother shits the dog
come out on the daughter.
1876
01:27:31,490 --> 01:27:33,130
The brother licks
it off, and then
1877
01:27:33,130 --> 01:27:35,060
They all jump down
in the shit and piss
1878
01:27:35,060 --> 01:27:38,280
And come and just fuckin' suck
the shit out of each other.
1879
01:27:38,280 --> 01:27:41,400
And then they finally
stand up and say, tada!
1880
01:27:41,400 --> 01:27:44,200
And... and the agent says, well,
that's... that's an interesting
1881
01:27:44,200 --> 01:27:46,470
Act.
What do you call yourselves?
1882
01:27:46,470 --> 01:27:49,360
And the father says,
the Aristocrats.
1883
01:27:49,360 --> 01:27:51,360
[CRICKETING]
1884
01:27:53,360 --> 01:27:55,730
[SHOUTING]
1885
01:27:56,670 --> 01:27:59,010
Hey, this isn't the
Lipschitz bar mitzvah.
1886
01:27:59,010 --> 01:28:00,770
But they got some
strippers over there.
1887
01:28:11,450 --> 01:28:13,930
[SCREAMING]
1888
01:28:17,910 --> 01:28:19,400
Those strippers are vampires!
1889
01:28:19,400 --> 01:28:22,380
[SCREAMING]
1890
01:28:28,360 --> 01:28:29,750
The Aristocrats.
Don't you get it?
1891
01:28:29,750 --> 01:28:30,450
It's a joke.
1892
01:28:36,640 --> 01:28:38,120
Salsa for my guts!
1893
01:28:38,120 --> 01:28:39,350
Salsa for my guts!
1894
01:28:39,350 --> 01:28:42,650
Put some fucking
salsa in my gut.
1895
01:28:42,650 --> 01:28:45,530
[SCREAMING]
1896
01:28:50,880 --> 01:28:52,080
Was that a scream?
1897
01:28:52,080 --> 01:28:53,640
Yes, that was a scream.
1898
01:28:53,640 --> 01:28:56,000
Oh man, these girls are good.
1899
01:28:56,000 --> 01:28:56,970
[SCREAMING]
1900
01:28:56,970 --> 01:28:58,440
NARRATOR: Attention,
party goers.
1901
01:28:58,440 --> 01:28:59,410
Note the irony.
1902
01:29:14,210 --> 01:29:15,210
[BURPING]
1903
01:29:15,210 --> 01:29:17,200
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1904
01:29:17,200 --> 01:29:18,700
We got bad chicken.
1905
01:29:18,700 --> 01:29:20,690
It's heading straight
for the stinkhole!
1906
01:29:20,690 --> 01:29:22,190
[GRUNTING]
1907
01:29:22,190 --> 01:29:23,190
[SCREAMING]
1908
01:29:23,190 --> 01:29:24,190
NARRATOR: Oh, my god.
1909
01:29:24,190 --> 01:29:25,680
He's got a cock in his ass.
1910
01:29:31,170 --> 01:29:32,170
Oh, shit!
1911
01:30:03,410 --> 01:30:04,610
Taxi!
Taxi!
1912
01:30:23,220 --> 01:30:23,950
Something's going on.
1913
01:30:23,950 --> 01:30:27,470
I gotta check it out.
1914
01:30:27,470 --> 01:30:29,630
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
1915
01:30:29,630 --> 01:30:32,920
What the heck are
you doing, bitch?
1916
01:30:32,920 --> 01:30:34,460
Oh, my god!
1917
01:30:34,460 --> 01:30:35,950
Chug, chug, chu...
1918
01:30:35,950 --> 01:30:38,300
[SCREAMING]
1919
01:30:45,510 --> 01:30:46,800
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
1920
01:30:46,800 --> 01:30:48,790
Oh, my god.
Don't fucking touch me, OK?
1921
01:30:48,790 --> 01:30:49,990
Stop that.
Stop.
1922
01:30:49,990 --> 01:30:50,990
Thank you.
Oh, my god!
1923
01:30:50,990 --> 01:30:52,980
Oh, my god!
1924
01:30:52,980 --> 01:31:09,100
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chu...
1925
01:31:18,560 --> 01:31:21,050
[ROARING]
1926
01:31:21,050 --> 01:31:23,540
[SCREAMING]
1927
01:31:27,550 --> 01:31:30,010
What the fuck is going on?
1928
01:31:30,010 --> 01:31:31,940
What... what the fuck?
Hey, Timmy.
1929
01:31:31,940 --> 01:31:33,220
What the fuck is this?
1930
01:31:33,220 --> 01:31:34,700
Get out.
1931
01:31:34,700 --> 01:31:36,000
Guys, get out.
1932
01:31:36,000 --> 01:31:37,320
Timmy, what's going on?
1933
01:31:37,320 --> 01:31:38,490
I don't like the
look of this here.
1934
01:31:38,490 --> 01:31:39,600
This sucks.
1935
01:31:39,600 --> 01:31:41,430
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come on.
1936
01:31:41,430 --> 01:31:42,780
[ROARING]
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1937
01:31:42,780 --> 01:31:45,130
Oh, please, ladies.
Stop it.
1938
01:31:45,130 --> 01:31:45,930
Really.
1939
01:31:45,930 --> 01:31:48,240
[ROARING]
1940
01:31:50,210 --> 01:31:52,670
[SCREAMING]
1941
01:31:59,060 --> 01:32:01,520
[FARTING SOUNDS]
1942
01:32:16,330 --> 01:32:17,800
What is so quiet in there?
1943
01:32:21,980 --> 01:32:23,000
Fuck, it's dead in there.
1944
01:32:23,000 --> 01:32:24,690
Hey.
Come on.
1945
01:32:24,690 --> 01:32:25,570
A beer.
1946
01:32:25,570 --> 01:32:26,270
Something.
1947
01:32:26,270 --> 01:32:27,130
It's about time.
1948
01:32:27,130 --> 01:32:27,890
Hey.
1949
01:32:27,890 --> 01:32:29,290
Oh, god.
Oh, god!
1950
01:32:29,290 --> 01:32:30,030
Are you Ron Jeremy?
1951
01:32:30,030 --> 01:32:30,990
Oh, god!
1952
01:32:30,990 --> 01:32:32,910
Oh, god!
1953
01:32:32,910 --> 01:32:35,310
[ROARING]
1954
01:32:35,310 --> 01:32:37,230
[PHONE RINGING]
1955
01:32:37,230 --> 01:32:38,190
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
1956
01:32:38,190 --> 01:32:39,320
TIMMY'S DAD
(VOICEOVER): Hey, Tim.
1957
01:32:39,320 --> 01:32:40,190
It's your dad.
1958
01:32:40,190 --> 01:32:41,940
And hopefully this will
be the last time you hear
1959
01:32:41,940 --> 01:32:43,670
From me in this shitty movie.
1960
01:32:43,670 --> 01:32:45,160
Got some news for you.
1961
01:32:45,160 --> 01:32:46,200
Grandma's dead!
1962
01:32:46,200 --> 01:32:49,370
And she left you a few
million dollars for school.
1963
01:32:49,370 --> 01:32:52,540
So whatever you do, don't
have a stripper party.
1964
01:32:52,540 --> 01:32:54,210
Hope this message
gets to you in time
1965
01:32:54,210 --> 01:32:56,920
So we can have an ironic
twist in this movie.
1966
01:32:56,920 --> 01:32:59,680
And I'm still going to kill that
fucking casting director who
1967
01:32:59,680 --> 01:33:01,370
Put that fat kid with
a raccoon in this movie
1968
01:33:01,370 --> 01:33:02,410
And that other kid.
1969
01:33:02,410 --> 01:33:03,880
Love, Dad.
1970
01:33:12,220 --> 01:33:13,520
So what do you say?
1971
01:33:16,250 --> 01:33:17,180
Let's eat.
1972
01:33:17,180 --> 01:33:19,880
OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello,
uh, this is Oliver Stone again.
1973
01:33:19,880 --> 01:33:23,440
Now, uh, we are at the
closing of the, uh, film.
1974
01:33:23,440 --> 01:33:26,720
Uh, you may have some questions
as to why I chose to end
1975
01:33:26,720 --> 01:33:29,290
It in such a obscure bleak way.
1976
01:33:29,290 --> 01:33:31,990
And I guess... I guess
my answer is, uh, time
1977
01:33:31,990 --> 01:33:33,980
Travel movies never make sense.
1978
01:33:36,640 --> 01:33:37,970
[MUSIC - "THUNDER AND LIGHTNING
POLKA"]
1979
01:33:37,970 --> 01:33:40,860
Well, we've reached a
conclusion to our merriment,
1980
01:33:40,860 --> 01:33:42,490
Tales from the Crapper.
1981
01:33:42,490 --> 01:33:44,970
And I'll tell you that
in the annals of history,
1982
01:33:44,970 --> 01:33:46,890
There has never been a
motion picture like Tales
1983
01:33:46,890 --> 01:33:47,780
From the Crapper.
1984
01:33:47,780 --> 01:33:49,510
And what more
fitting... a location
1985
01:33:49,510 --> 01:33:51,910
For the climactic ending
of Tales from the Crapper,
1986
01:33:51,910 --> 01:33:55,380
But the ground zero of
independent cinema...
1987
01:33:55,380 --> 01:33:59,770
Park City, Utah, land of
the Sundance Film Festival.
1988
01:33:59,770 --> 01:34:02,480
And we believe that Robert
Redford himself has personally
1989
01:34:02,480 --> 01:34:04,570
Selected Tales from
the Crapper to be
1990
01:34:04,570 --> 01:34:07,710
The opening film of
the 2000 of... buh buh
1991
01:34:07,710 --> 01:34:10,180
Buh... Sundance Film Festival.
1992
01:34:10,180 --> 01:34:12,480
Well, that about wraps it up.
1993
01:34:12,480 --> 01:34:13,750
I... I don't think
there's anything
1994
01:34:13,750 --> 01:34:19,750
Else left to say, except... ah.
1995
01:34:19,750 --> 01:34:20,890
There it is.
1996
01:34:20,890 --> 01:34:22,390
Ah.
1997
01:34:22,390 --> 01:34:23,220
Ah.
1998
01:34:23,220 --> 01:34:24,450
Ah.
1999
01:34:24,450 --> 01:34:25,430
Ah.
2000
01:34:25,430 --> 01:34:26,970
I've been eating
a lot of asparagus
2001
01:34:26,970 --> 01:34:28,640
Up here in the
mountains of Sundance
2002
01:34:28,640 --> 01:34:32,530
And my pee is just
the right color.
2003
01:34:32,530 --> 01:34:33,230
Mm.
2004
01:34:41,830 --> 01:34:43,120
[FARTING SOUNDS]
2005
01:34:43,120 --> 01:34:44,620
Oh.
2006
01:34:44,620 --> 01:34:47,620
[MUSIC - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN
HOEDOWN"]
2007
01:37:00,990 --> 01:37:02,790
OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER):
Hello, this is Oliver Stone.
2008
01:37:02,790 --> 01:37:04,210
I'd like to state
for the record,
2009
01:37:04,210 --> 01:37:07,310
Uh, I had nothing to do
with this film, Tales
2010
01:37:07,310 --> 01:37:08,210
From the Crapper.
2011
01:37:08,210 --> 01:37:11,370
Uh, in fact, this is a
poor imitation of my voice.
2012
01:37:11,370 --> 01:37:15,360
Uh, and it's, uh, further
proof that, uh... it was in fact
2013
01:37:15,360 --> 01:37:19,860
Lloyd Kaufman is the naked
Indian who killed President
2014
01:37:19,860 --> 01:37:26,610
Kennedy on the lawn that
fateful day... December 32, 1922,
2015
01:37:26,610 --> 01:37:30,240
In Dallas, while
listening to The Doors.137653
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