Original subtitles

- Hey, hon. - Hey.

- What you got there? - Our new baby monitor.

Hey, you know, if one of us runs upstairs, we could test it out right now.

The one of us who is not pregnant.

Hey, how about if I go?

Mm-hm.

Okay, all set!

All righty, make baby noises.

All right.

Goo-goo, ga-ga.

Uh-oh!

My diapie is full!

Will somebody please change me?

Oh, man.

I didn't think we'd have to worry about this for years.

♪ Today's all burnt toast ♪

♪ Running late and Dad jokes ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my left shoe? ♪

♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪

♪ Grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪

♪ There it is, up on the roof ♪

♪ I've been there, I've survived ♪

♪ So just take my advice ♪

♪ Hang in there, baby Things are crazy ♪

♪ But I know your future's bright ♪

♪ Hang in there, baby ♪

♪ There's no maybe ♪

♪ Everything turns out all right ♪

♪ Sure, life is up and down ♪

♪ But trust me, it comes back around ♪

♪ You're gonna love Who you turn out to be ♪

♪ Hang in there, baby ♪

- Morning, boys. - Morning.

I'm in charge of breakfast today, dad. What would you like?

Twenty pounds of raw pig.

You want toast with that?

No, I need it for bait.

Believe it or not, we've got a giant snake loose in Sloan's lake.

Look at that, an anaconda.

What?

How could an anaconda get to Denver?

Who knows?

Maybe some kid went to Florida on vacation with his grandparents,

brought a baby snake back.

Maybe the kid named him snappy.

Maybe when snappy got too big, the kid freaked out

and set him free.

Just a guess.

Anyway,

this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

I mean, if I can catch this snake,

this is great publicity for the Triple BG.

- Huh? - What?

Bob's Bugs Be Gone.

- Oh, oh! - Oh, okay.

Hey, dad, can I come with you?

I'd love to see you get chased by a giant snake.

Hey! I'm gonna catch that giant snake.

However it plays out,

I just want to see something catch something.

- Hi. - Hi.

So we've turned into that couple?

- I love it! - Me, too.

- So about tonight... - No, shh!

I...

Okay, coast is clear.

Do we really have to be so secretive?

Are you kidding?

Do you have any idea what would happen if my mom found out?

So when I pick you up tonight, what do we say we're doing?

Don't worry. I'll come up with something.

I'm a pretty good actress.

Okay, first of all,

in this family, I am the greatest actress.

Second of all, nobody fools Mama Ames.

You bet.

Now, Charlie, when you're Teddy's age,

you're not going to try to get away with stuff, are you?

Yes, I will.

Oh.

Charlie, who's the greatest actress in the family?

You are, mommy.

All better.

PJ, we need to talk.

I've got a dangerous mission for you.

Mitch, I am not trying the chocolate shake again.

I need you to find out

who is stealing chicken from the store.

Why would someone steal our chicken?

Haven't they tasted it?

I don't know, but...

Corporate is really busting my giblets about this.

So I am putting my best man on it.

You.

Oh, cool.

Any idea who the thief is?

Okay, I'm pretty sure it's an inside job.

So, it could be Justin.

Okay, your meal was three dollars and you gave me a five, so...

Don't help me. I got this.

Then there's Val, the vegetarian...

Here's your murdered chicken.

And finally, big Lenny.

You gonna finish that?

Cool.

So what do you think, kid?

Who's the master chicken thief?

Gut instinct?

I gotta go with Justin.

Three from five...

Or was it five from three?

Think, Justin. Think.

Or Val. Could be Val.

So once the snake takes the meat,

then I slip that over his neck.

And then once I got him, I turn to your camera and I say,

"Take a break, snake!"

Dad, I wouldn't overthink the once-I've-got-him part.

You know what? I still need a catchphrase.

Something Tom Cruise can say when he plays me in the movie.

How about, "Boy, have I been miscast"?

Uh, Gabe, I don't believe

you've met Denver's least-favorite animal-control officer.

Hello, Quint.

What are you doing here, bug boy?

There's a monster snake on the loose, not a termite.

Yeah.

Shouldn't you be getting some old lady's kitty out of a tree?

Hmm?

Muffin can wait.

First, I'm bringing in that cold-blooded beast out there.

Have you ever caught anything like this before?

Does this answer your question?

That's a t-shirt.

I'm here to catch a snake, not a cold.

See that scar?

I got that tangling with a great white.

- Shark? - Labradoodle.

Those things are fierce.

Face it, Duncan, you're out of your league.

You're an exterminator!

What are you gonna do, tent the lake?

Uh, no.

I'm gonna catch him with this.

Well, I'm gonna catch him with these...

my nine assistants.

Whoa.

Labradoodle got my pinkie.

Hmm.

Hi, Mrs. Duncan.

Hi, Spencer. Come on in.

Thanks.

So what you kids got planned for tonight?

Um, what did Teddy say we were up to?

She didn't.

Answer the question.

Uh...

- Here I am! - Teddy.

Hi. Your mom wants to know what we're doing tonight.

We're going to the movies.

Oh. Which one?

- Table For Two. - What's it about?

A table for two.

- Rating? - PG.

- Running time? - Ninety-eight minutes.

- You seem to have all the answers. - You seem to have all the questions.

Let's go, Spencer.

Sounds like you two have a very specific evening planned.

Yes, we do.

Have a nice night, Mrs. Duncan.

I will.

Table for three.

Oh!

Do not be alarmed. I am not an intruder.

PJ, what are you doing?

I'm going undercover to figure out

which one of my co-workers is stealing chicken.

And you think they're gonna open up when they see Gandalf?

You got a better idea?

Yeah, wear a wire.

Yes! I love it.

What's a wire?

A recording device.

You wear it under your clothes

and then you can use what the people say against them.

Cool.

- I'll wear a wire. - Yeah.

I'll be like a spy.

A spy from middle earth.

And I'll be like your brother...

from planet Earth.

Oh, movie my butt.

Party time's over.

You're doing a show...

Without me?

So this is what you've been doing?

Rehearsing a musical behind my back?

Teddy, when did you stop loving me?

Mom, I was hoping you wouldn't find out this way.

Actually, I was just hoping you wouldn't find out.

And you're doing Franny Saves the Farm?

That's my favorite musical of all time.

Not only that, she's playing Franny.

Don't help me, Franklin.

Hey, let's, uh, let's take a five, everybody.

Oh, Teddy, why would you keep this from me?

I could have helped you, taught you, mentored you.

Yeah, and those are three of the reasons I didn't tell you.

What are you trying to say?

Mom, anytime I try to do something that has to do with performing,

you get involved.

And you don't just get involved, you take over.

Well, I'm sorry, Teddy.

Okay? I love the spotlight.

But in fairness,

not as much as the spotlight loves me.

Mom, I would like for you to not make this about you,

just this one time.

Please, could you just be my mom?

Moms bring flowers,

they sit in the audience and they watch their kids.

- Well, I... - Quietly.

Well...

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible mother.

No, mom, I didn't...

I told you the spotlight loved me.

Clark, cut it out.

for 14 miles per hour...

Well, time to get some sleep, Gabe.

Got a snake to catch tomorrow.

Hey, dad,

have you ever knocked out a grizzly bear with one punch?

Well, let me think.

Uh, no.

You know who has?

Quint.

Well, how do you know that?

I'm reading this blog. It's called "Quint While You're Ahead."

Man, is he tough!

Hey, I'm just as tough as quint.

I don't know, dad.

Maybe you should leave the snake catching to him.

I mean, you're an exterminator.

You set off bug bombs and run.

I have to run, Gabe. It's government mandated.

Time to catch a chicken thief.

So glad you all could come over,

Justin, Val and Big Lenny.

And we're away from work,

so we can really let our hair down.

I let my hair down at work all the time.

I lost a scrunchie in the coleslaw once.

Come on, guys, this is our chance to bond,

share our hopes, our dreams,

our darkest secrets.

Who wants to go first?

Lenny?

I'm hungry.

Good start.

Not a secret, but good start.

If we're telling secrets, why don't you go first?

Okay.

Okay.

Uh, sometimes...

I steal supplies from work.

Anybody want to piggyback on that?

- I took a straw once. - Yeah, yeah.

But I felt so bad, I brought back two.

Hmm.

What was that?

- What was what? - Sounded like feedback.

I didn't hear anything.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, it is children's theater.

I thought Charlie might like it.

And she has something for you.

Aw, Charlie, thank you.

Okay, come on, sweetie, let's go.

Oh, mom, wait. Um...

About what I said yesterday,

I was out of line.

And?

And I'm really sorry.

And?

That's all I got.

Okay.

Well, you may not have been entirely wrong.

It might be possible that I have a small problem

with the spotlight.

Mom, we're backstage. The lights are out front.

That's what I hate about backstage.

Anyway, this is your moment to shine.

So as we say in the theater,

- break a leg. - Oh.

Terrible news, Franklin just broke his leg.

- He can't do the show. - Well, what are we going to do?

I've got to find somebody to play banker Jones,

somebody who knows the part.

Okay, I swear I had nothing to do with this.

Yeah, good day to catch a snake.

You're right!

It was. I caught him an hour ago, took him to the zoo.

You did?

Well, then what are you doing here?

Came back to do this.

Aw, man, was that Quint?

Great. So I missed the coolest guy in the world

because I had to get your potato chips.

Hey, the point is, did you get 'em?

So did Quint see the snake?

Yeah, matter of fact, he did.

And then he...

And then he left...

Because he was afraid.

- Quint's afraid? - Yeah.

Can you believe that?

Coolest guy in the world leaves because he's afraid.

But you know who isn't afraid?

Your old man.

And I am putting an end to this once and for all.

All right.

Come and get it, snappy!

Dad, are you sure about this?

Hey, a man's got to do what a man's got...

Oh, man! This water is cold.

What's he doing out there?

- Catching the snake. - What?

- Duncan, I was lying! - What?

I didn't catch the snake!

Yes, I am in the lake!

Dad, come back.

I was just trying to get rid of you.

- What? - Whoa.

Is that a log floating towards him or...

Snake!

Snake in the lake!

Get in the truck! Get in the truck! Get in the truck!

Like father, like son.

A couple of scaredy cats running from a stupid log.

Uh-oh.

So that's it? You learned nothing?

I learned big Lenny combs his beard with a fork.

So we'll never find out who's stealing the chicken.

Corporate is gonna be devastated.

This is gonna haunt me forever.

- Oh, well! - You know, funny thing though.

After the party, I came back here to look at our security-camera footage.

We, uh, have security cameras?

Yeah.

Yeah, and it showed this guy who looks just like you

taking boxes of chicken out of the storage fridge.

Do you, by chance, have an evil twin brother?

I don't recall.

Then your brother put the stolen chicken in his car.

- You got that on tape? - Uh-huh.

And here's the crazy part.

Your brother drives the exact same car that you do.

I guess that makes sense though. I mean, you are twins.

All right!

Quit toying with me. I confess.

I stole the chicken...

so I could open my own place.

Mitch's Discount Poultry Hut.

Wait. So you don't have a twin brother?

Stop it, kid. You got me, all right?

Okay. Well, I'm confused. If you were the one stealing the chicken,

why did you ask me to catch a chicken thief?

I mean, I'm your best man, right?

I never thought someone so stupid could catch me.

Well, look who's stupid now.

'Cause I just caught you and your twin brother.

Right?

♪ Franny, since I can't pay ♪

♪ They're gonna take my sweet farm away ♪

♪ Don't you worry, dry your eyes ♪

♪ 'Cause I just brought you A big surprise ♪

♪ Who is this? ♪

♪ I'm the banker ♪

- ♪ With your money ♪ - ♪ You should thank her ♪

♪ You mean, I won't have to lose My farm after all? ♪

♪ All it took was one little call ♪

♪ Franny saved the farm ♪

♪ Franny saved the farm ♪

♪ Franny saved the farm ♪

♪ Farm! ♪

Well, Charlie, you were a little chicken.

And, uh, apparently, so was dad.

Hey, hey! I was not chicken.

I was exiting the lake in a rapid fashion.

No, dad, it's all right.

I'd rather have a live coward than a dead hero.

Oh, thank you, son.

Yeah. Live hero would have been the best, but...

Of course.

I mean, if you're going to rank them, you'd want your live hero, live coward.

Yeah. You know, dead hero, dead coward.

Yeah, dead coward. Those guys are losers.

Hey, uh, do you guys mind?

I'm trying to do a video diary here.

Just say "Good luck, Charlie" and be done.

Look, it's not that easy. It's...

Good luck, Charlie.

Huh.

Down here.

Oh, hey, it's you.

Hello, Snappy.

PJ.

Long time, amigo.

Yeah, you, uh, you look well.

Save it!

How could you do this to me?

"Snappy, why don't you hop in the lake

while I get us some ice cream"?

Well, I got ice cream.

But you never came back.

You never came...

Oh, yummy, yummy.

Who is this?

This is Charlie, and don't even think about it.

Not even a nibble?

Thanks for stopping by, Snappy.

Who is it?

Toy delivery for Charlie.

Go away!