Original subtitles

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, congratulate me. I just managed to finagle reservations for two at

Emilio's. How's that sound, honey?

Sounds good to me, sweetie.

That is wonderful, Willie.

What is she coming to?

I thought this was going to be our night.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Alf, it's Valentine's Day. Kate and I are looking

forward to spending an evening alone together.

It's what keeps us from becoming bitter.

I'll just spend Valentine's Day alone.

Without romance.

Without love.

Without two bodies beyond rational thought.

Oh. Oh, sorry. I'm back.

Anyone call while I was gone?

Oh, please, Willie.

Stay home.

We'll order out.

It'll be my treat.

By the way, can I borrow a couple of hundred till payday?

I seem to have misplaced your credit card.

For the last time, no Alf.

Alf,

would you stop that?

Now, I understand that this is not an easy time for you.

And so?

Actually, that was all.

Oh, somebody needs a fresh diaper.

Willie.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! What is it?

Oh, my hands!

Look at them. They're shaking like a schoolboy's.

Oh, one of my favorite movie stars just moved into this neighborhood.

Louise Beaumont. Why does that name sound so familiar?

Oh, she was the aging vamp in Footlight Fancies, and she was the tap-dancing bag

lady in Broadway and 74th, and she played the Swedish bombshell in Stage

Door Yanni.

I love you, Yanni, you big yerk.

Oh, hey, I remember Louise Beaumont. She was a minor movie star in a day.

Willie Louise is a queen, and her castle is just a few blocks from here.

Sunset Villa?

Alf, it's not a castle.

It's a retirement home.

It's not unlike the place I'll be staying in long before my time.

Let's do something mad, Willie. Grab your Polaroid. We'll swing by the home.

You're right, that is mad.

No, no, no, you see, I'll hide while you ask her to sing the theme from Naughty

Senoritas.

Please, please.

Please. It wouldn't be so bad if you could only carry a tune.

I'll have a hold you till we get to the sitters. We ready to go? Yeah.

I'm gonna hold my breath until you take me to see Louise.

Night, Alf.

I'm gonna do it again.

Night, Alf.

We'll bring you what's left off of our plates.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I'm yumping for yoy.

He really doesn't understand.

He has his woman, poor schlub.

But, oh, Louise.

Oh, that's it. I deserve one night in the sun.

Oh, but I'll need a clever disguise.

Maybe Kate's wedding dress.

I haven't worn that in a while.

Uh, white always makes me look too busty.

This could be Louise's window.

That could be her nightstand.

Those could be her teeth.

Just my luck. She's not in them.

I think it went that way. Did you see it? Where? Where?

Oops.

It was the ugliest thing I ever saw.

Did you catch the nose on that thing?

Hey!

Oh, gotta learn to stop doing that.

Look, I know it's a long shot, but is this the Vatican Embassy?

What is it? What is it?

My guess, it's a giant talking rat.

Hey, hey, hey, can a rat do this?

Jack, really, don't you know what that is?

It's a talking dog.

Oh, fine. You want a talking dog, I'm a talking dog.

The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the

squares of the other two sides.

Now, whatever you are, we aren't allowed pets or visitors after 8 o'clock.

So shoo, shoo. Wait, Bernie. What?

Don't antagonize him. He might be one of those aliens.

Oh, no kidding.

Buenas noches, senor.

Bernie, I'm talking about an alien from outer space.

Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt us.

Oh, look, you seem like very nice people with very little upper body strength.

I'm going to level with you.

And this doesn't leave the room.

The guy with the pants pulled up to his neck is right.

I'm an alien.

Now, I'm sorry if I scared you.

People were chasing me.

For those of you who remember back that far.

Do you eat and drink like normal humans?

Depends on who you ask!

So you're an alien, eh? Oh, son of a gunny.

I always knew you guys were up there somewhere, an alien, eh?

I just came to get a peek at Louise Beaumont. Just point me to her room. Can

you do that?

She's just down the hall, but you can't see her unless you're a family member.

There's such a thing as roles, you know.

Well, I'm her ex-husband, okay?

I just want to get a quick snapshot for old time's sake.

Excuse me.

Miss High and Mighty, there's a talking dog out here who wants to meet you.

No, no, no. I don't want her to see me.

I just want to take her picture. Go on. Go on.

Hi,

Miss Beaumont.

I hope my presence doesn't scare you.

Look, I don't know what you are or who put you up to this, but I'm not

interested.

So don't let the door hit your furry butt on the way out.

Who does she think she is?

Roseanne Barr?

Gee,

she seems so much friendlier in cellblock serenade.

She'd shoot all her fans this way?

Oh, forget about her. Let's talk about you.

You've been all over the universe. What an incredible amount of knowledge you

must have.

Tell us, what's it like in outer space?

Well, it's empty.

It's big.

It's cold.

It's like Star Trek V without the toupees.

Well, ciao.

Oh, where are you going?

Where's he going?

Oh, sorry. My mission's accomplished here on Earth.

Manu, Manu.

Let's try to take him alive.

I know he's here. I can smell his breath.

Can we mess with him first?

Uh... Maybe I'll stay until I get a ride home.

Mind if I use the phone?

He wants to phone home.

Just like in that movie, Splash.

I swear.

If my bones weren't as brittle as Saltine's, I'd be out of here so fast.

What's going on in there?

Uh-oh.

Uh, listen. Uh, I'll be in there, okay?

Remember, you never saw me. I don't exist.

Okay? Bye.

Okay. What are you guys up to?

Well, we don't have a talking dog in the other room, if that's what you're

getting at.

Hurry up, then. The champagne's getting flat.

Right.

She's helping me.

Study.

If I had the operation, they say there's an 80% chance that I could study again.

114.8.

Perfect.

This thermometer tastes funny.

My son.

I sacrificed myself for 30 years to make him a successful stockbroker, and he put

me in here. Two.

They should only make that embezzlement-wrapped stick.

I get the idea.

The boys are locks.

Why do I have 16 cards?

Oh.

Do you realize that all you've done since I got here is complain?

Well, there's got to be more.

Let's have some fun.

How about I take you on the roof and show you where I'm from?

Would you like that?

Up on the roof? We could get into trouble.

I know, I know. It's against the rules.

Who cares?

This isn't a prison.

You have choices.

Take a chance for once.

Besides, who's going to tell?

Okay, let's do it. Come on, let's go.

Oh, it's you again.

Get out.

Do you want me to call a night supervisor?

Oh, come on, Lou.

I'm taking the over-the-hill gang to the roof to show them where I'm from.

I may even do my lounge act.

I've been described as a short Wayne Newton.

Sorry, I'm too busy.

Doing what?

Staring out the window?

Every once in a while, a man walks by with a tire iron.

Something's going down.

I know it.

Look, why don't you just come and join the party?

Look, I just don't want to, okay?

Fine.

Just that I took a lot of chances coming here to catch a glimpse of the person

that Eleanor Roosevelt once called the sexiest woman alive.

Stop it.

Leave me alone.

I don't need you to remind me that I was once important, okay?

You don't know what it's like to...

suddenly end up in a home somewhere with a bunch of people you don't know and

have nothing left to look forward to.

Huh. Have I got a story.

Well, save it.

Let's go, Alf. Ben's studying again. We heard him through the vents.

Okay, okay. I'll be right out.

Jack, check your fly.

Louise, please, change your mind.

These people aren't so bad.

Sure, you don't want to listen to them suck on a hard candy, but they grow on

you. Go on, join the others.

I spent most of my life alone. Another couple of years won't kill me.

Okay.

Do you think I could take your picture?

For what it's worth?

This is still one of the nicest moments of my life.

Ah! Yeah, we made it! Hey! High fives and low fours all around! Come on! Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, isn't this beautiful?

Oh,

look! Look, there's your mother's ship!

Wave!

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo down here!

Kept ready to be transported.

Rebecca, that's the Goodyear blimp.

Sure, that's what they'd like you to think.

Open your eyes.

We're not going anywhere.

Alf, you said you'd show us where you're from.

Yes, Alf.

Let us in on that wondrous secret that few humans will ever know.

I'll do my best.

Let's see. I think you can see it right over there.

Yep, right there. See?

It's that cheap white-tracked home three houses in from the corner.

Kind of makes you feel insignificant, doesn't it?

Oh, no, no, no. That's the house I'm staying in while I'm on Earth.

See, my planet exploded.

My lawyers recommend I make no further comment at this time.

Hey, look.

Ben's got quite a set-up over here.

He's always up here studying.

That settles it. I'm going for that operation.

Oh, isn't it romantic, though? All the lights and the music and...

Oh, Al, thank you.

I'm going to send you a big soup bone later.

Hey, all right!

Who wants to dance?

Hey, see, what'd I tell you? I knew he had the hots for her.

Hey!

I'm glad you changed your mind.

We were just getting down with our bad selves.

I just came out with some fresh air.

And...

Well, maybe I am a little curious about where you're from.

Okay.

Well, see that cheap white tract home three houses in from the corner?

Yes.

Well, if you look straight up, it's the big star directly above it.

Oh, my gosh.

That's so amazing.

Just think, a whole other world.

Do you miss it?

Every day.

How do you keep your spirits up so far from home?

Well, I found making other people's lives miserable helps.

But you've got to find your own way.

Louise, why don't you go over there and see if they want to... Maybe this wasn't

such a good idea.

Maybe I better go back downstairs.

No, no, no, you just got here.

Besides, what good is sitting alone in your room?

Come, hear the music play.

You know, Bernie, it'd be a nice gesture if you went over and asked Louise to

dance. What?

Dance with her!

Dancing she didn't want me the witch.

Oh Look just dance with her. Will you do it for me do it as a favor, huh?

Oh Would you like to dance I?

Hope she asked me to dance

Well, Tonto, I think our work here is done.

Jack, watch the hands.

I run a clean dance hall here.

And then when I was at MGM, I went out with Clark Gable.

Whoa!

Hey, hey, is it true what they say about men with big ears?

Alf!

Willie! I see you got my message.

Come on over.

What are you thinking? I can't believe you'd expose yourself like this. Hey,

lighten up. I'll fill you in later.

Now, I want you to meet my friends.

Bernie, Rebecca, Jack, and, of course, Louise Beaumont.

How do you do?

This is my best friend, Willie.

Hello. It's nice to meet you.

I'll pay for the damages.

Come on.

You should be going.

Just a second.

I have to say goodbye now.

I'll always remember you guys.

I only wish you could say the same about me.

Goodbye, Al.

I want you to have this.

It's the scarf I wore in Stage Door Yanny.

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

I wish I had something to return the favor.

You already have, dear.

Happy Valentine's Day, Al.

Oh.

Oh, bye guys.

Bye. Bye.

I don't know why, but I think I may be proud of you. Yeah, save it till we get

past the guy with the tire iron.