Original subtitles

Good morning, my name is Max.

I'm calling from Reliable. Is that Mrs. Terry speaking?

Yeah, but if you could... Good morning, my name is Max. I'm calling from

Reliable. Do you have any time to talk about your insurance premium today?

Hello?

The letters beginning with an M.

Dull, tedious, repetitive.

It's monotonous.

Oh, thank you.

Grape? No, thanks. I've just eaten.

Bit of an early lunch.

So, how do you think it's going today, champ?

Fine. Yeah?

Scale of one to ten?

Maybe a six?

Little lower.

Four?

Three?

Two?

It's a one. Here, look.

I like your Max.

But this... No, I understand.

It's just I've been going through quite a lot at the moment.

I'm your boss, not your therapist.

Right. I know how you feel.

Phone call after phone call after phone call. And believe me, I hate

answering the phone.

But you know what I hate more?

Poverty.

I know you might be feeling anxious today.

And here's my advice.

Don't worry about it.

It might not be tomorrow, or the week after, or the month after, or year

after, but play your cards right.

Work hard enough.

You could be this set of glass to what you need to pick up the phone.

We are called reliable, and we need

you to be...

Reliable. Consider this a verbal warning.

Got it.

I just wanted to remind you about that holiday that I booked off tomorrow. I

remember.

Great. Thank you.

The thing is, I want you to go on holiday.

I really do.

You deserve it.

Nearly. But I already booked it off. Oh.

I don't make the rules.

I'll cut you a deal.

Five more sales, and I'll see you on Friday.

You got it, big boy.

Yo.

Whiskey, whiskey.

Hey, mate.

Colin's joining.

Hey, mate.

Samarooni's joining.

Hey,

mate. Order, order, order, order.

Who is excited for tomorrow night?

I am.

Yeah, dude.

I put together an hour by hour itinerary for the next two days so that absolutely

nothing can go wrong. Man, you're a top lad.

100, broski. So, 3pm, meet at the B&B. I've sent you all the address, Max,

please just pay me back. This time, freeze shortly after while getting

ready. Now, pub, 4.30. No later, Colin, that does mean you. Cup of pipe, porky

scratching. Out by six, tables booked for seven, courtesy of the great Mother

Fung. Jeez, Mother Fung and that. And then, gentlemen, and gentlemen, I have

booked a very VIP table at the Devil's Gooch for 11p. Until the early

hours, can I get a b-b-b-bush? Oh, I can't remember the last time I went to

the Devil's Gooch.

Yes. And then, to finish it off, suits on in the morning, meet at the beach

for... 10am.

10am? What?

A bit earlier than that. Yeah, maybe a bit, mate. I can't see myself being too

alive after an evening in the Devil's Gooch.

2pm. Perfect.

That's what you would have wanted.

Oh, and, er, last thing.

Bagsy not picking up Doug. Bagsy not picking up, Bagsy not picking up Doug.

Nah, I'm not even the closest.

Sorry mate, that's how Bagsy works innit?

Oh for f- Hello Mrs. Fun, I'm here to collect Doug.

Yo!

You bring him back, 6pm, tomorrow.

Sure. Absolutely.

In one piece.

Of course.

And as much as a scratch.

Yep, I promise.

No excessive drinking.

No silly games.

No drugs. You don't need to worry, Mrs Fung. You'll be safe with me.

We should...

probably get going don't want to hit rush hour oh

thank you for

booking the meal by the way oh

yeah max max max max yo yo watch this

yeah watch this

It's 10am.

And?

And those are my beers.

Is it?

Mate, your mum literally just... I love it, bro. Yeah, I've left the house. I'm

on holiday. It's the continental way.

To be honest, I'm surprised she didn't cover you in bubble right before we

left.

Fuck off, Julian.

Beer.

No, dog. I'm driving.

I'll have one when we get there. Oh, yeah, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair.

Right.

Two hours, 17, 98 miles.

100 miles?

Brother, that's a long fucking road, bro. That's a fucking road trip. That's

a fucking road trip right there. You don't know about that road trip, do you?

Yeah.

You done?

No.

I'm so happy!

R-O-O-A-D-T-O-R-I-P!

I'm done.

Right.

Right.

Hi, bruv.

Thank you, DJ.

This big asshole.

Fuck's sake.

Stupid fucking tire.

Duct tape.

Why? Duct tape can fix anything.

No, Doug.

No, no, no. I swear, yeah?

I once fixed my nan's teapot, yeah? And she didn't even notice.

She probably did, mate.

I swear.

Doug, there is absolutely no way she wouldn't have noticed.

I've got to call someone.

Oi, make sure they bring Doug T. Just go stretch your legs or something.

It's a big arsehole.

Ask him about the duct tape.

What?

Duct tape.

No, dude.

Why? Shut up.

Please.

So, what are you thinking then? Bit of duct tape do the job?

Do you hear that?

Like tape.

No.

Right. You're looking at a brand new tyre at the very least.

I mean, it sounds... How much are you thinking?

£150, £250.

£300 with the call-out.

Well, you know... Doesn't have to be brand new, does it?

Could just be brand new to me.

I'm afraid not, pal. I don't keep any used ones on the van.

And legally, I can't leave the vehicle by the side of the road and run back to

the garage and get one.

Elf and safety, you see.

Right.

I've got a sticky blaster.

Okay, so, um...

300 quids, that's... Well, it's either that or I tell it.

Well, I work on commission, so money's not exactly good.

This is the universe talking to us right here, right now.

You fully just asked me if I wanted to stretch my legs earlier and...

And look at us now. We've no option but leg stretching.

We're gonna walk.

Do you know what? Just... Just tell her.

Gotcha.

Give me a second. I'll bring you the paperwork.

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Fuck off, bro.

Road trip on foot.

Oh, bro. I love nature, man.

What's going on, Dad?

Fuck off, you cunt.

Right. You excited?

Yeah.

Hey, bro, it's alright, man. We're getting there.

It's an adventure.

Right, if I could just have your signature at the bottom.

Hang on.

400 quid? To tow it?

Yeah.

Yeah, but... You either pay 300 quid now, and I replace the tyre, or I tow

it, replace the tyre at the garage, and you pay 400 quid on collection.

But... I don't make the rules.

Come on, man, stop, drop!

Thanks.

Fine, I'll just grab the bags then.

Why don't we just try and call a taxi or something, Doug?

What? Dude, what about road trip on foot?

It's a 50 mile walk, mate. And?

What do you mean, and?

It's a 50 mile walk. Five zero.

50 miles, 50 chickens.

Look, bro, just give me the big map.

Okay, but 50 miles, 50 chickens doesn't make any sense.

Thank you.

Give me a hand here.

Right. So.

we are here yeah we're trying to get to here and that is

what you're telling me you can't walk this far short

cutting boom through here which makes it

come on man

Yeah, this way, isn't it?

Yo, Max.

Did you know that if you really believe in yourself, you can talk to birds?

Yeah. Yeah, bro.

Watch.

What type of bird is that?

Pigeon.

Probably sleeping.

No signal.

Nice. We are one with nature.

Let me see the map quick.

Nope.

Dude, let me see the map.

Yo, bro, don't you trust me?

Remember back at uni, before the accident, man did that orientationary

course, innit? Yeah, which you failed.

Yeah? But before that, I was basically Bear Grylls. I don't know about that

one, dude.

Hey, yo, bro.

How does that man to navigate the Shire, the Shire? Well, here's your Smeagol

chat and shit behind his back. Support me. I'm your friend.

Yeah, fine.

Lead the way, Frodo.

I will.

yo max look it's the other side i knew it i knew it i did it bro i'm ready

miss who's that exactly come on

see progress

right so from right here isn't that your empty beer bottle from earlier

Yeah, it's mine.

Not a job.

For fuck's sake.

What? You, thinking you're fucking Dora the Explorer with your shitty backpack

and your shitty map and your shitty duct tape and your stupid stick.

That's not very nice.

We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

My car has been towed. We're gonna be late. I'm probably gonna get fired on

Friday. And to top it off, I've got blister.

Do you want a plaster?

No, I don't want your shitey plaster, Doug. I just want to get there.

Car? No, we haven't got a fucking car.

No, no, no, no, no. Car, look!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Help!

Help! Please help us!

Help!

Oh my God, thank you so much. We're so happy. A bit lost, are we? My car broke

down. I don't suppose you'd mind if... Well, I'm not going very far, but you're

welcome to join.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Not the stick.

Not the stick, sir. Leave the stick, dude.

And the beer.

Just... Thank

you

so much. You're a lifesaver. Oh, I wouldn't go as far as that.

That's lady.

I would offer to pay you, but... No, no, no, no, no, no. This is out of the

goodness of my heart.

Melvin.

Max.

Seatbelts on, everyone.

Yeah.

So, where are you headed?

Uh, Walford.

Oh, very nice.

Yeah, I, uh, grew up there.

Bit of a shithole, actually, but... Oh.

Special occasion?

Um, I mean, I suppose you could call it that.

Well, this is me.

Thank you.

Great.

Thanks. Well, I told you I wasn't going far.

Orford, that's quite far, isn't it? Yeah, 50 miles.

49.8.

I'd offer to call a taxi for you, but they don't really come out this way.

Right.

I know this is a bit of a long shot, but I don't suppose that there's any way

that you could drive us... If I had my licence, I would.

Till then, I stick to a strict one-mile radius from the house.

There's likely to get caught that way, you see.

Well, thank you anyway.

I could give you my son's old bike, though.

Yes, please.

Oh, sorry. Fuck yeah, dude. Got signal.

Oh, nice.

Wait,

hold up a sec, Doug.

Mike's calling me.

Hey,

mate. Hey, you picked up Doug, okay?

Yo, we seen, bro. I've missed you so much, man.

Yeah, he's here.

Perfect. Where are you guys at? I've got Colin and Sammy here.

Hey boys.

To be honest, I don't have a clue.

What do you mean what happened?

Car's a write off fucking nightmare.

Shit. Is Doug okay?

Yeah, he's all good.

You're all good?

Yeah, I'm fine mate. Don't worry about me. Alright.

What's your ETA?

To be honest, mate, I'm going to have to get back to you on that one. I don't

have a clue.

Don't bother waiting for us, though.

Oh, no.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm fine, mate. It is what it is.

Well, keep me posted.

Yeah. Nice one, mate. Catch you in a bit, mate.

Doug.

Trusting, trusting.

Doug.

Come here.

Do you want to play a game?

Yes. I do, actually.

It's called... Listen to Max very closely.

Listening.

We... are fucked.

We are really...

really fucked okay unless me and you come up with a solid plan right

now we are fucked okay we've got no car we've got

no taxi we've got no bike we've got nothing mate we have to walk

that's what i've been saying bro yeah i know just give me the map

No, man. Doug, give me the map.

No. Give me the map.

No, please. Just give me the fucking map!

Right.

This is the plan.

So, we need to get to Orford by 2pm tomorrow.

We started in London, drove 50 miles and broke down here.

Now, the only way we will make it on time is by taking a shortcut.

Now, using the sun, this way is west, so we want to head this way.

Science tea. I like it.

We go through the forest, cross the stream, over the hill and we should get

there before... Well, that doesn't matter.

We've got snacks, water, 60% phone battery.

Cool.

We're gonna be fine.

We just need to stick to the plan.

Got it?

Got it.

Ready?

Ready.

One for the road.

It's the continental way.

Oh, I forgot how good crisps are, bro. Yeah, just don't eat them all, please,

mate. What else did you bring?

I've got mini sausages.

I've got a bit of chalk.

I've got an apple in there.

Oh, bro, I beg you, don't have the apple.

Go for it, dude.

It's only a big bit.

Oh, yes, a fat one still.

Hey Max!

Real talk, yeah? What is the largest animal you reckon you can beat in a

fight? I don't know dude, like... A swan?

Swan. See ya. I can beat a whale.

Dude, there is absolutely no way you could beat a whale in a fight.

Oh yeah? Hold this.

Yep.

Salmon. Right hand.

Here it is. Beat it out.

Drag the tail.

Smack the man's head in it. Get the apple.

Throw it at the head as well.

Dodge, dodge. Oh fin, fin, tail, tail. Eye, eye.

And then get some rice and just and then smack it, smack it, smack it. And then

just like

Do you know what I mean?

Right.

Couple of things to dissect.

Firstly, whales only eat krill. So that doesn't make any sense.

Secondly, what the fuck was that?

And thirdly, you said, right, what is the largest animal you can beat in a

fight? Not, what is the largest animal you can drag out of the water, do a 360

spin, smack it over the head, throw an apple at it.

Like, what?

Right. I mean, definitely, like, fucked over that, though.

All right, yeah, whatever, Doug.

No, Max, I can.

Yeah? I can.

Max, I can.

Yeah, I did it. I slapped it, and it died.

It is absolutely outrageous that you're even saying this right now.

What? I'm telling the truth?

Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, hold up a sec.

Did you hear that?

What?

Water.

Oh.

Dude, we're close.

I tell you what, I am not too bad at this whole orientatoring thing. It's

actually quite fun. See, bro? See, bro? I knew you'd start to enjoy yourself,

man.

Got any more of these?

Nah, man. Finished.

Same.

It is getting louder, though, isn't it?

Huh?

Stream.

It's quite a loud stream.

Oh, right, bro. Damn.

I'm bare sticky, innit? Like, I'm going to tip my top off, innit?

Nah, dog. I'm begging you, mate. Please don't. Nah, nah, nah. I have to, bro.

It's bare hot, man.

Dude. I'm doing it.

We can probably go around.

No, no, no. You said stick to the plan, so we stick to the plan.

What's the plan?

It's pretty fast.

And you know I'm not the best swimmer.

I'm more of a floater.

To be honest.

You might have to carry me across the river, man.

If that's alright with you.

Max, look!

It's a beaver!

We're saved!

Bro, I've watched a bit of documentaries, yeah?

Beavers, all they do, all they do every day, eat trees, cross rivers, build

dams, eat trees, cross rivers, build dams.

This beaver probably crossed this exact river a million times, innit? All we've

got to do is see where it goes and follow it.

Look, it's going in, it's going in, it's going in.

Might have been a badger.

Do you reckon the badger's alright?

No.

Probably had a famine.

Yeah.

I think we would have been fine though.

Doug, you're about as buoyant as that rock.

Yep.

Ah, man.

Tell you what, I've got an idea.

We could build a raft.

I don't think it'll be too hard.

We could find some dead wood lying about or something. No,

we'll build a raft. It'll be easier. If we follow the current down, we'll end up

somewhere roughly near Orford.

We could tie it together with, like, vines.

I don't know where we'd find vines.

No.

Yes, okay. We're trying to build a boat. No, no, boat!

Boat!

That's convenient.

Nah, man. It's the universe.

Bro,

this is exactly what life's about, man.

i'm with my best friend chilling in the ocean fresh air badgers fresh

water yeah can you just keep hold of the bags please mate oh yeah

sorry sorry i can't

believe we're on a we're on a boat yeah

i'm just happy to be here man yeah me too mate

Sorry for, um, getting a bit stressy earlier.

Yo! Yo, Max!

Just chill.

Don't worry about it.

Fish! Max, fish!

Dog! Fish! Dog! Fish!

Fish! It's all dead! Moving now.

Just stay still.

Hey, yo, Max, look.

I could be a fish, innit?

A salmon! I'm a salmon! I'm a salmon! Doug, can you please just stay still,

man?

Stay still!

Stay still!

Now!

Look, the longer we stay in the boat, the less we have to walk, okay?

Just relax.

We probably should get a move on. I think the boat's deflating again.

Huh? The boat is deflating.

Oh.

Dude, it's fine. I've got plaster.

The puncture's on the unguarded boat.

Let me do it. Dude, let me.

I told you to stop moving, Doug!

You're okay though, yeah?

You're not hurt?

It's chill.

It's chill. No, Doug.

It's not chill.

Not everything can be chill all the time, man. I nearly fucking lost you

there.

You didn't.

No, that's not the point, is it, man?

Why do you never listen to me?

Sorry, you might not realize this. Okay, but actually a lot of people really

really Really fucking care about you Doug Hey

sorry, just Help me to help you

get there in one piece.

Just listen to me man

Do you want a hug?

Come here.

Come here.

You're okay.

You're okay.

You're okay.

Sorry. Sorry.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I'm an idiot.

Yeah.

You are an idiot.

But you're my idiot.

Okay?

Let's just grab the bag and go.

Where's the bags?

Oh, it's okay.

Excuse me.

Nah, dog, just leave me alone.

I'm hungry.

Max. What, dog?

Lion or panda?

He. I don't care.

Yeah.

Good choice, bro.

Do you know what your problem is, Max?

What? Every morning you wake up, you go to work. You work really, really hard.

Typing, typing, typing.

You make money.

And then after you go outside and you buy things.

That makes you happy. Because you're sad from working.

What the fuck, man?

What?

You only live once, bro.

Doug, your solution to my shitey little life is YOLO.

No, not YOLO. Jesus, like... Like YOLO, bitches.

Deeper.

Like YOLO.

Great. Cheers, Doug.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

I wasn't talking to you.

Yeah, I knew there was light in it.

You good, yeah?

Hello?

Anybody there?

We're friendly.

That was weird.

I'm starving.

Ooh.

Huh. No one's home.

It's a bear.

Yes.

Claw the tent.

Yeah, it's hacked.

Last night.

Yes. It came from... Let me just...

Right

there.

Alright then, where's the bodies?

Huh? Where are the bodies?

They were chased by the bear.

Yes, they ran to the river. The river!

They got on the boat, tried to escape from the bear, and then the bear tapped

them in the river.

They clawed the hole in the boat.

They tried fighting it with the oars. It was really dramatic.

They died.

You don't get bears in England though, Doug.

That's what they tell you.

Alright then.

I'm going to see what I can nick from in here.

Oh, yeah.

Anything?

What guy?

He's probably with the badgers now.

What? Lunch.

There's fucking loads in there too.

Yo.

Yo, Max.

Berries.

You stopped, bruv.

It's cool, it's cool, it's cool. You eating it.

Yeah, drink the whole bottle, you know.

You've no idea what's in that and you're just drinking it, innit? It's mad.

Mm.

Close your mouth.

Dude, I actually can't believe I ate all these berries.

You're a hungry boy, huh? Yeah.

Um, are we nearly there?

Dunno, mate. Can't even really see the map anymore.

Should've brought a torch.

Yeah, I did.

It was my phone.

Oh, yeah.

Yo, how many miles do you think we've walked today?

Maybe 15.

That's pretty good man. You've got the steps in.

Yeah, I don't need to stop soon though.

No, no we don't. Let's keep walking man. I love night time.

So peaceful, the owls, the stars.

Doug. Hmm?

It's night time.

I can't see the map. I have no idea where we're going.

Bro.

You just feel it.

Sometimes, Doug, I feel like I want to punch you in the face.

Oh, yeah.

I think I've got a heat stroke.

You are a bit pink, man.

Yeah. Why don't we build a shelter?

That's actually a good idea. Right?

You ever built a shuttle before?

Nah, have you?

No. Oh.

I thought you were Ray Mears or Bear Grylls or something.

Yeah, I am, but I'm just not the builder, innit?

Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah.

Well, why don't we just, um... Stay here?

Yeah. Yeah.

Great idea. Yeah, brilliant.

You have that bit of mud there.

And I'll have that bit of mud there.

Perfect. Amazing.

Yes. No, Doug.

Huh? We're not staying here.

Alright.

I spy with my eyes something beginning with... Alright, it's a harder one.

You're done, though.

D.

Yeah. Everything's dark, Doug.

11-4. To you. Right, come on.

Last round.

I don't want to play anymore.

Why? Dude, you're good at this game.

Dude, it's cold.

Just... Bro, just... Have a leaf, Max.

Come on.

Your go, come on.

You spy.

Right, Doug.

I've, er... I've got a new game.

Yeah? New game?

Yeah. What's it called?

Er, it is called, er, Let's Try Start A Fire.

You go find sticks.

Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, erm... What are the rules?

No rules, no rules. Er, just go find as many sticks as possible.

Okay.

I like it. Yeah.

Let's go.

No, wait, there is one rule.

You have to go that way and I have to go that way.

Okay, I like it.

Max,

time limit, time limit.

Five minutes?

Five minutes, five minutes. All right, cool.

One stick.

Two sticks.

Five, six, seven. Yeah, I'm gonna win.

Oh my god.

Now that's a fucking stick, man.

Max is gonna love this stick.

Max?

Max? Max! Max! I'm coming, bro!

Max?

Max, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Just, uh, just fuck off.

I got the sticks.

Great. Great.

Uh, find more.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah.

Come on, Max!

Get it out!

Yo,

you alright, yeah?

You got a sock?

What?

Sorry, uh... Have you got a sock?

Why?

Haha.

You know, for when you're done, just... Turn off the tap! Anyway, bro, um... On!

Number is certified, bro. Just, you know, just... Give me a shout if you

need a... Yeah, bro.

I love you, bro.

Love, man.

Good job you had that lighter in your bag from last year.

Yeah.

Could you not tell the guys about this? No, mate.

My letter's sealed.

Thanks, mate.

Max, thank you for picking me up.

Don't mention it.

It's really nice to spend some time with you.

I miss you.

Sorry for being a bit selfish.

You know, you just... I just always want to have fun.

All the time.

You know.

Life isn't fun all the time, though, is it?

Yeah.

I'm really proud of you and the boys.

You know, you guys got jobs.

You've got a flat.

You didn't swim.

You had a girlfriend and you had a car.

Thanks, Doug.

Do you know what I'm saying, man?

Yeah.

I know.

I'm so proud of you, man.

I am.

I just wish I could go back in time and, you know, maybe...

Yeah, Max, the fire.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Hey,

mate. Hey, where are you?

We're by a log.

I'm by a log.

A log?

It doesn't matter.

What log? It doesn't fucking matter. Look, I think we're a bit fucked here,

mate. So are we.

I'm actually glad you thought. We're really missing you.

Dude, did you just... What?

It's one fucking night, Mike.

Can you not just give it a rest?

Hey, come on. Live a little.

Where are you, mate?

I'm by a log.

Why the fuck are you by a log? It doesn't matter, man. Look. You missed

the best night ever. Like the food.

Amazing.

Colin, listen to me, okay?

It was amazing, okay?

And I ordered you the fish.

I put it in a doggy bag.

Colin, listen to me.

We're lost.

Lost?

Lost? Right.

I don't fucking know, dude.

We're lost.

Hi, lost. I'm Sammy. Hi, yes, Sammy.

Could really do with some assistance here, mate.

If I send you my location, do you think you could sort something for me and

Doug?

Sammy?

Sammy?

Brilliant.

That tree's dead.

Are they having fun?

Yeah.

Definitely not as much fun as I'm having right now, though.

Good.

I'm glad.

I think we're doing fine.

You're feeling better now, though, yeah?

Yeah.

Thinking back, it probably was all those berries.

You did eat three bottles of them.

I did eat three bottles of them.

Looks like dehydrated.

I'm surprised, probably.

Your insides fell out of your anus.

Did you want me to... To what?

Like, piss.

Not like man wants to, just, you know, see better girls do it a few times.

Like, hydration.

I think I'll never.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I'm just, you know, I'm sick. Like, you know, if you need anything, bro, I got

you, man. I got your back, bro. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, cool.

Like, I won't actually do it. It's a bit fucking weird. You know, like, yeah.

Survival ting.

Survival ting, exactly, yeah.

It's a bit mad how they drink piss in it to survive.

Yeah.

Like mad, you know, like you have to be bare thirsty, bro.

Peace.

Fucking hell, people are crazy.

But the will to live is strong.

You know, I was thinking about what you said the other day.

Doug, my boss is a cunt.

Come home every day to an empty house.

I eat microwave meals.

and I just sit and fester on the sofa.

And every morning I wake up and there's just this little

thought in the back of my head that... doesn't

matter.

That's deep. That's quite deep.

Do you

know

what else I was thinking about?

Do you think the North Star always points north?

Otherwise it would be called the Sometimes North Star.

Yeah.

You're right.

Of course.

Man.

We should probably get some sleep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, mate.

Night. Good night, bro.

You got penalty?

Good morning...

World.

Good morning mate.

Ah, good morning.

How long you been up?

Very good.

Few hours man, I can't really sleep bro. I've got a lot of energy so I thought

I'd like, start working out, you know?

Nice.

For fuck's sake, Doug.

What? Why have you got your sausage out?

Huh?

Bro, I'm sweating man, it's hot.

Yeah. Well, can you not?

Alright. Please, just... I won't.

Right, so, time it is.

About 8.30, I'd say. So, that means that...

Orford should...

be just over there.

It's quite tall.

Yeah.

Yeah.

At what point does a hill become a mountain?

Now.

Probably take another route round.

What? Nah bro, let's go up the mountain.

Doug, look at it. It's fucking massive.

So?

Dude,

we are so close. The last thing I want to do is get stuck up the mountain.

Please. No Doug, let's just go round. Think of the views bro.

You're telling me you don't want to see that mad view?

Rock, paper, scissors.

One, two, three, shoot, yeah? Alright.

Gotta be fair though.

No cheating. Can't do that thing.

No cheating.

No thing.

Ready?

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Helps me focus.

Okay.

I like it. Serious, too.

Alright. Ready?

One, two, three, shoot!

Yo Max!

Max! Max! Yo Max!

Yo! So, you know yesterday?

Yes, I know yesterday.

Nah nah nah, but like you know, when I said that you were a smitty girl and

that. I remember, yeah.

Right, so, I've been thinking, me and you, me and you, Streck and

Donkey.

Right. Right, so obviously, I'm Streck and you're Donkey. So, woah woah woah

woah, just, absolutely not.

I'm not Donkey.

What? What, you think?

I'm Donkey?

Yes, dude.

Nah. Right.

Are you, or are you not, my noble steed?

The fuck is that? My best friend, dude.

You know, the person that I can rely on the most. The person who always makes me

happy. Okay, a person with the nicest smile.

Jeez!

Yeah, okay, no, I don't, okay, right, yeah, alright, I'm Donkey, and, you

know, you are smelling a bit swampy, so, you're strict.

Yeah.

So, what do you reckon, like, half an hour?

To what?

To the top.

To the top?

Mate, you must be joking.

I don't know, I reckon... Come

on.

Come on, man.

He was right.

It was about half an hour.

Max, look at this.

What?

Just come here, man.

It's beautiful.

You know, Max?

It's these moments that I feel really alive.

Doug.

Look.

Holy shit, dude.

That's it. We made it. Orford.

Let's do it! Yes, bro!

Yes! Let's do it! Yes!

Yes!

good job oh my god i can't believe we did it yeah

yeah me and you man

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. What? Fuck. Fuck. Where? Fuck. Why?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck it.

Fuck it. Get on the dick.

Okay.

That's it.

That's it.

Yeah!

Wait,

hold on a second, Doug.

I need to sort my shirt.

Jesus! You've got an iron.

Better duct tape do the job.

Fixes everything.

Yeah.

Come on, bro. I got you.

Jeez.

Come on, bro. Give me a hand here.

Thanks, mate.

It's alright.

You're Max, aren't you?

Do we have to go?

What do you mean?

I thought you were excited to see everyone.

Yeah, yeah.

Going home after.

I just kind of want to stay up a bit longer.

Doug, your mum would quite literally come you by my nuts if I didn't get you

back by 6pm today.

You know that. I don't.

I just...

I don't want to wait another year.

No, I know. Yeah,

I know.

I know.

But, you look good.

Come on, dog.

What are you saying, you alright?

What the fuck have you been?

Mate, don't even start.

Yeah, Mike said that you crashed your car.

Yeah, kinda.

Care to elaborate?

Not really.

So you just walked?

Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, you look like shit.

Thank you very much, mate. I tried.

That was it.

Yeah. It was alright.

And how's Doug?

Still dead?

Classic.

Shall we...

Cheers. Cheers.

Doug.

Missing you a lot, man.

You know I still sit and laugh about those nights in the halls, you know.

Arguing over the biggest animals we could beat and fight.

Swear, you came up with some bullshit, you know.

Oh, I took your advice. I quit that shit job I had.

Thought a while, thinking about that.

Anyway, I'm much happier now. I just... Wish you were here to share.

Love you always, mate.

What are you saying, bro?

Been a while.

Shit.

Yeah, lots to catch up on, actually.

Got a bit of news.

Well, for all of you.

I'm going to be a dad.

Oh, fuck, bro.

Yeah. Oh, shit, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just want to have all the lads together.

So, yeah.

And it's a boy, so we're going to call him Doug.

Yeah, so I hope he isn't as much of a handful as you were.

Anyway, next year I'll bring him along and you can say hello.

Cheers,

mate.

Great. I've got to follow that, have I?

Cheers.

Oh!

What is new with Mike?

Hey, Doug.

Uh... I wear a hat now.

Sometimes.

Um... Oh!

I still use your mum's Netflix, so, uh... Thanks for that!

I really wish you weren't dead.

You know, it would've...

Would have made this a lot easier.

Oh, fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off, you cunt. Fuck.

You,

you, Doug, were the shittest, most childish, fucking late dick of a

mate I've ever met in my life, bro.

Wouldn't have had it any other way.

Max. You know what?

He knows our film.

Cop out.

Hub? Yes?

Doug's got to be back by six.

Just one.

One for the road.

Are any of you going to drive me back?

Well, it's far, isn't it? Yeah, I know, Mike. I walked it.

Anyone?

I'll chip in for a taxi.

Great.

Nice one.

Melvin? Who the fuck is Melvin?

Who the fuck is Melvin?

Melvin?

Hello, what are you doing here, small world?

Yeah, help when you walk it. Oh yes, how did that go?

What are you doing here?

Well, funnily enough, it must have been the universe or something.

I waved you off on your way, walked back through my front door and right there on

the mat, my license.

You couldn't write it. I went outside to chase after you, but you looked like you

were having so much fun.

I thought I'd just let you get on with it.

And seeing as you spoke so highly of Orford, I thought I'd come and see it

for myself.

Sandwich. Thanks.

I don't suppose you could give me a lift home?

Hello, Mrs. Fung.

Sorry.

We had a lot of fun.

Yeah, he had a little bit of trouble.

I'm really sorry.

Mrs. Fung, your son was the most inspiring,

silly, fun-loving, just best friend to me.

And I really loved him.

Goodbye, Max.

Okay.

Ten letters.

Discontent.

I'm quitting.

See you around, Winnie.

Bye.

Hi, Julian.

Oh, right.

Not now. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to be in tomorrow.

Or the day after that. Or the week after that.

Or the month after that.

So, I wish you all the best.

Champ.

Dear Max, I'm sad while writing this.

I understand that this will be hard to hear.

You are no longer welcome in our household, and I request that you do not

contact us anymore.

This has not been an easy decision.

We understand that you have lost a friend, but we have lost our son.

Nothing will change that.

Please let us breathe in peace.

For the final time, Goodbye, Max.

I hope life treats you better than it did Doug.

Life is pleasant.

Death is peaceful.

It's the transition that is troublesome.

This is fun.

You could definitely fuck up a dolphin.

Have you, babe?

Hold me close, like when you sang me lullabies To make me less afraid

of the dark at night But you were there when I'd wake up

Darling, close your eyes, smile and think of the sunshine

We could go outside and play, so we're too tired to cry No one tells us to

wake up

We've played this long game before

One more, one more

I'm

gonna have to play the bloopers Yes, yes I'm gonna play the bloopers, yes Okay

guys, I'm gonna play the bloopers Play the bloopers!

Why have you got your sausage out?

I said it different that time and I surprised myself.

That's what I mean!

Why have you got your sausage out?

Do you want me to...

Get

it out, get it in.

I'm surprised, bro.

Like, you fell off, you haters.

Here

we

go, we're getting a bit delirious now.

What's left, bro?

Everything fell.

Why have you got your sausage out?

Do you reckon the badge is okay?

Nope.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Doug.

Why have you got your sausage out?

I can't do it.

Alright, professional.

I mean, bro, I'm not surprised, man.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm so sorry.

We're going to be live soon.

No, no, no, do what it is.

Alright, Rhys, it has to be next take. Surprise, bro.

Like, you don't know.

I'm so sorry.

Honestly, guys, I can't even.

Did eat three bottles of... Dehydrated.

Do you know what it is? Can everyone just look away?

Do you know what it is?

We need to break out of the moment.

No, we can't. The sun is coming up. I know, I know, I know. I need to get up

and sit right down. That's it.

I can literally see the sun come up. We have about 15 minutes, guys.

It's so difficult.

I feel these pressures.

I feel it better now that I'm here.

Guys, I don't want to stay here tomorrow. Please do it.

Getting so fed up of your haters.

Sorry, it's not funny, but... You're feeling better now, though, yeah?

Yeah. Thinking back, it probably was all those berries.