Original subtitles

Hello, and welcome to The Weeping Shed,

where people bring in their old stuff that reminds them

of relations who have passed away.

And then we fix their stuff using olde worlde craft skills

and then hopefully the people who brought in

the stuff in get all emotional and do some weeping.

It's incredibly wholesome.

Sam here is one of the craftspersons.

Hi, Sam. Hi, Benji.

Well, you're the sort of handsome craftsperson in a woolly jumper that

I wouldn't mind taking home to meet my mum.

I know. What are you up to, Sam?

I'm repairing this miniature grandfather clock

brought into us by Maureen. Lovely.

And did the miniature grandfather clock belong

to Maureen's grandfather?

It did, Benji, yes.

And you know my next question!

Aha, as far as I'm aware

the grandfather himself was of average height.

Oh, that's a pity.

And when she brought it in, was it in a right old flipping state?

I'm afraid it was Benji, yes.

But now you've used your all your wholesome olde worlde skills

to make it all lovely?

Well, I've tried.

Oh, that's likeably modest of you Sam.

I think you've done a great job.

Thanks, Benji, that's really supportive of you.

It's nice here, isn't it?

It's very nice here.

It's a kind of vision of England that people who voted

for Brexit probably imagined they were protecting.

Perhaps. Personally, I would avoid striking

that slightly divisive tone, Benji.

That's typically good-looking of you Sam.

Because this programme is very good at emphasising our shared humanity.

Amen to that. And I use the word "Amen" pointedly,

because there's something faintly Christo

and Songs of Praise-y about this whole enterprise isn't there?

There is. They should put us on at Easter.

I think they do!

Email from the Channel 4 lawyer, we can't call Russell Brand "that".

What, we can't say that he's a... No, we can't say that.

What can't we say? It's what you think - we can't say that.

Oh, that? We can't say that? Why not?

Because he might not be. I mean, he denies it.

I think he is, but you know, that's just me.

Can you not just say that you think he is? Apparently not.

You can't say what you think?

No, what I'm thinking right now, I must not say.

That would be illegal - that would make me the criminal,

Sorry I'm not allowed to say it like that.

That would make me the criminal...

..that would make me a criminal And I certainly wouldn't want that.

So, we'd better not mention him, then.

To be fair on the guy... Oh, yes, let's be fair on the guy.

Yes, let's be fair to Russell Brand, yes why not.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Not two wrongs - only one wrong here, us being unfair to him.

That's the only wrong.

Yeah, one wrong makes a wrong. Not two wrongs.

To be fair on the guy, he did get himself baptised in the River Thames.

It's the Thames I feel sorry for.

They did quite a good job of cleaning that up and then...

I think that's when Thames Water just stopped trying.

I heard all the trout south of Wallingford went belly up.

EMAIL ARRIVES

Email from the lawyer, we can't say Thames Water stopped trying.

OK, so we need to be fair to Russell Brand

and fair to Thames Water.

We really are on the side of the angels, aren't we?

Wait how did they know we're saying that? Are they listening to us?

Not just listening.

They're watch they're watching us?

WHISPERS: Even in the toilets.

Lawyer again.

We can't say that Channel 4 watches us in the toilets.

Is it weird that that's kind of a comfort to me?

Like, I've always wondered if I go to the toilet

the same way as everyone else.

Channel 4 says you don't.

Yeah, no, I haven't got around to watching John Wick 4 yet.

Oh, you must, it's absolutely brilliant.

Was the violence as intense as you'd hoped?

It's off the scale.

There's this brilliant fight scene where John Wick's got

to get up these steps to a church

and he's ambushed by these swarthy Mexican Arab Russians.

Baddies? That's racist of you to assume that, but, yes, they are.

The first guy tries to slash John Wick with a machete but he ducks,

punches the guy in the ribs then shoots him in

the face point blank and the guy sadly passes away - just at

the moment when John Wick's jumped from behind by

a bloke with a massive chain.

John Wick tosses him over his shoulders - splat!

Onto the ground - bang! Shoots his face off,

the chain guy sadly passes away,

just as a knife slashes at John Wick,

he swerves, smashes the knife guy with the massive chain,

shoots his brains out, he sadly passes.

The next guy gets throttled with the chain but just when he's on

the point of sadly passing away, John Wick grabs his knife

and thrusts it deep into the throat of

a bloke who's come literally from nowhere

and now he passes away peacefully on the end of

the knife surrounded by his friends - three heavily-tattooed

Mexican Arab Russians.

Who charge firing machineguns, but John Wick's a better shot.

Bam! Sadly, passes away. Bam! Sadly, passes over.

Bam! Sadly, no longer with us.

What a wonderful blood bath.

And that's just the first ten seconds of that scene.

Another pint, gents?

Thanks.

Ooh, this lobster looks nice.

I caught it this morning out by the Bay. Oh, right?

Only half an hour since I plunged it alive into boiling water

and it fell asleep on this day, 12th June, 2025.

Can you take a picture of it?

My battery's sadly passed away.

Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama...

I'm giving the fuckin' farm to this cunt.

Fuck's sake.

This fuckin' farm's my fuckin' farm now.

Piss! I fuckin' love you, you stupid fuckin' bitch.

You fuck!

This is my fuckin' farm now.

Sur-prise sur-fuckin-prise.

Is this mother-fucker my fuckin' mother or what?

This is my fuckin' farm now.

GUN FIRES

You've fuckin' killed the cunt, you dozy fuck!

Which cunt did I kill?

SHEEP BLEAT

I'd like to say a few fuckin' words.

She was a dick and now she's fucked.

Forever fucked. Hear, fuckin' hear.

Too fuckin' right. Well, fuckin' said.

That dead fucker wasn't fucking dead when we thought she was fucking

dead, but she's fucking dead now.

Say what you like about that dead dick,

but she loved this fuckin' farm.

Her fuckin' farm.

But since the lazy arsehole left no fuckin' will,

the fuckin' farm reverts to yours fuckin truly!

It's my fuckin' farm again.

I've found a fucking will. Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck's sake!

I've kept this fuckin' farm together

through famine and fuckin' flood and I'm fucked up

the twat if I'm gonna let some prick steal it out from under my arse!

Sorry, who's fuckin' farm, is it?

SIRENS

And so, Prime Minister,

we've utilised the billions of pounds provided

to us over the last decade into understanding not only

the cause of climate change,

but also what practical actions we can take to slow

and even reverse the effects on our globe.

I give to you, our fully comprehensive report.

And, what does that top line represent?

It's wanking, sir.

Wanking?

That's right, after all our extensive research,

we've found that masturbation accounts for fully 92% of

the negative effects of climate change.

If we can sort that, the planet would essentially be saved.

It's brilliant news.

No, it isn't. What's brilliant about it?

Well, we've solved the problem.

We need to cut down on fossil fuels, flying, eating meat.

We don't even need to do the recycling - we just stop wanking.

Easy for you to say, you're not going into an election next year.

What am I supposed to campaign on?

"Vote for me and stop masturbating"?

It's never been tried before Prime Minister.

Well, there's a reason it's never been tried before.

The opposition would have a field day.

Or "feel day" more like?

That is not helping.

Look, you need to ban wanking, you just put a tax on it.

A tax on emissions.

Are you really a scientist?

Look, say £2,000 per wank?

I'm not paying that.

We can scarcely get them to cough up

170 quid for a TV licence.

And that's thousands of hours of entertainment.

You're expecting them to pay £2,000

and then they have to do it themselves.

Look Prime Minister, we avoid making it a party-political matter.

We find a cross-party consensus

and we put it to the people in the form of a referendum.

Yes, a straightforward choice the world as we know it is

going to end unless we cut out aeroplanes,

fossil fuels, cars, plastic, everything...

Or stop wanking.

Right, so the referendum question would be -

wanking or everything else?

Yes, wanking or civilisation as we know it.

Right, well, I think we can trust the good sense of

the British public to give us the answer we need.

VULTURE CRIES

It turns out there are just some questions

that shouldn't be decided in a referendum.

Try blowing on it.

You do it - I'm off for a wank!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mr Wendell? Yes? Mr Arnold Wendell? That's me.

Hi, I'm from JigJag, you know, the trainer brand?

I do - I wear JigJag trainers.

Indeed, the I see you're wearing the ones you bought from us yesterday.

Yeah. We want them back.

What? Yes, we have had a look at your socials

and unfortunately some of your views don't accord with our values.

What views?

I can't say, but rest assured, it's bad!

We can't have you walking around in our trainers.

Take them off! No, they're mine.

I've brought you a partial cash refund.

It's not a full re-fund, you understand,

because that would mean that we are endorsing your disgusting views.

Now, take those shoes off.

If anyone sees you in them, our brand is toast.

Well, this is outrageous!

I'm entitled to my views.

Yes, you are entitled to your views, but you're not entitled

to associate them with our brand,

thus jeopardising the hard work done by thousands of Chinese

children every day.

Oh, for Christ's sake, all I said was...

And this is where you come in.

What do you think was Arnold's unacceptable view?

Of course, we have our own ideas, but they may not accord with your ideas.

And, the last thing we would want is to disrupt

the revenue stream that you represent.

For example, the character of Arnold might have made a joke

that was very homophobic.

Or a joke that belittled homophobic people.

Who are a minority, after all.

Or, obviously, it might have been something much,

much worse than either of those things.

Something from, you know, one of THOSE subject areas?

Yeah, are you all thinking about THOSE two or three subjects areas?

The ones that make you go, Oh, my God! Argh!

It's got to the point where you can't..

I can't believe he said that!

Oh! No!

So, just imagine that we've done whichever of those things is your one...

And pretend that we've gone there in precisely

the way that you would hope.

Bearing in mind that we didn't and we never will.

But, we did have a little go at Chinese labour practices,

which was perhaps worth saying 15 years ago.

Of course, these days it's the least of our fucking problems.

Hmm.

Anyway, on with the sketch! Oh, we've finished.

Oh, yes, we've pretty much finished, haven't we?

Hmm. Bye! Bye!

Then he just took the phone out of my hand

and then he rode away on his bike.

I tried to chase him but I, I couldn't,

I was just so scared.

I'm sorry.

That's OK. We both appreciate this must have been

a very distressing experience.

But the more information we can get, the better.

Yeah, Of course, of course, I, of course...

Now you say the assailant threatened you with a knife?

Yes, that's correct.

And how long was the blade?

I don't know that, I don't know.

Well, for reference, was it shorter or longer than this pen?

Oh, longer, definitely longer - like a pen and a half.

OK, that's good. A pen and a half. Brilliant.

And the subject was tall. Can you recall how tall exactly?

I don't know, it was all just such a blur, it's all gone blurry.

The more precise you can be, the more likely we are to find him.

Of course.

Um, er...

..15 pens.

15 pens? Yeah.

15, maybe 16 pens.

16 pens?

Erm, now the bike he left the scene on,

did that have any distinguishing features?

Not that I can remember.

Just like normal, I guess -

something like 12 pens by six pens?

Something like that.

You're doing really well.

Right, let's get you a cup of tea, shall we?

Now, I understand you've had a very stressful day,

but we need to paint a clear a picture as possible.

Does that make sense? Absolutely, yes.

Good. So let's start at the beginning, all right?

What were you doing before the incident occurred?

So, I had just left work, and I went to the pub around the corner.

OK. And it's not very far - it was like 3,000 pens.

Right, I'll just put "around the corner".

And, yeah, I guess I had a few drinks.

How many is a few?

In pens? I don't know. Right, why don't we...

Then I got a pizza, well that would have been well,

do you want that in circumference or diameters?

Circumference is fine, love.

It was maybe five...

..or six possibly.

Why don't we forget about this, OK, and let's just focus on the phone, all right?

We all know what a phone is, that's a given, we don't need any reference for that. No, no.

But what we do need to know is if there was anything unique about it.

Erm, it was fairly new.

Great.

I'd say he's gonna get quite a bit for it.

Could you guess how much?

800 pens?

800 pens!? All right, Mrs Moneybags!

No more pens!

Look I'm sorry about what happened to you,

but if you can't provide any useful information,

then there is nothing we can do to help solve this case.

Constable Marsh, would you kindly see this woman out?

If it helps, he had a scar on his face.

About the size of a...

Get out.

It's Day 20 and the middle-aged men have just been told they're

going to be joined by a middle-aged woman.

You're going to be joined by a middle-aged woman.

She got a name?

Well, yes.

No, I just meant what is her name - I knew she would have one.

Oh, Janet.

She sounds like hard work.

What are we going to talk about?

We'll just ask her about her journey.

What you mean, her path through the tribulations of life so far?

Fuck, no! No, I mean, how she got here - what roads?

Oh, right. Yeah, good, yeah.

So, she's coming tomorrow what's that?

That's Thursday. It's not ideal, is it?

I mean, it's not a Friday. No, but it's not exactly a Tuesday.

No, it's a Thursday.

To be fair though, I will say the traffic in Scotland,

the part of it I've seen, is really remarkably light.

I don't mean that in an arsey way.

No, no, of course not, no, it's just a question of population density isn't it,

and, as you say, virtually nobody lives here.

I was straight through from Inverness Airport.

No customs, obviously, I just rolled through.

And they've laid on a Touran, we're straight on the A96 and no hold ups.

Did you not get held at the temporary light near Strathcarron?

You're right, I forgot about that.

But that was just two minutes. They had the road up,

they were installing some sort of fibre optic cable.

No, yeah, there's a lot of that.

Apart from that, a clear run.

I've got prostate cancer.

Sorry to hear that, Steve.

Maybe that's something you could talk to Janet about.

Yeah, yeah.

Right, I just might erm...

Yeah, me too.

I think that's one of the curable ones.

If they've caught early.

Well, it looks like we've finished writing the show - we're almost there.

I don't think so. We're not done yet - not by a long chalk.

A long what? Chalk. A long chalk, it's an expression.

What does it mean?

Not yet, nowhere near.

Chalk? A long chalk. By a long chalk?

Yes, by a long chalk.

As in "beside a long chalk"?

No, not as in beside - by a long chalk.

Now, I'm making it sound weird.

By a long chalk, as opposed to a medium-sized chalk, I suppose.

Chalk? Oh, fuck off! People say it all the time.

Like, in EastEnders, Kathy would say,

"We're not finished talking about this, Pete, not by a long chalk."

Oh, I haven't watched EastEnders.

You don't have to watch EastEnders, it's not an EastEnders thing.

And what does Pete say? What?

Kathy's saying that Pete's chalk is not long enough.

Does Pete need to get a new chalk?

Like a bigger chalk? It's not a real chalk.

Oh, is it his penis?

Is this Pete Beale?

I haven't watched since Angie, but didn't he die?

Did Pete Beale die of some penis disease?

Because he was eating the chalk?

No, I think the chalk is his fatal penis?

No, it's not a penis, it's real chalk.

It's from when scripts were written on all these little slates

with chalk and they used loads, so they needed really long chalks.

Long chalk? Are you sure?

Yeah, well they wouldn't have said "and not by a long chalk" back then,

it would have been "Lo, I writeth scene four

"as the last wisps of moonlight escape my grasp.

"And I put my slate next to my bedchamber door,

"in the knowledge that my masterpiece is not yet complete,

"not by a long chalk."

Oh, wow, That's really beautiful.

Yeah, but now we just say, "and not by a long chalk".

That's right, isn't it Rob?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Is this the way to the pool?

Yeah, just through there.

I don't think that works. No.

You know that's the producer. Yeah.

Look, we all knew we needed something,

we can't end on the chalk discussion.

So, you type something a bit mad, a bit visual.

You know, "Let's mix it up a bit, it can't all be people talking and talking and talking,

"what would Python do? Let's try something a bit wacky!"

And then, before you know it, you're watching a man you've worked with

since the late '90s undress in the production office.

Oh, my God. Because apparently there isn't budget for an actor to do it.

But it's different, isn't it?

"A man walks through in swimming trunks",

that could be a funny visual, but watching someone you know well,

who is not a professional performer, watching him finish a difficult

call with the commissioning editor

and then start taking his socks off by his desk - that changes things.

You just think, "It doesn't matter that much,

"there's no need for that".

Let's just let the item fizzle out and...

Stop!

Haven't you got lovely fingers, Sam?

Thanks.

Welcome back to The Weeping Shed and if you've just joined us,

Sam is repairing this miniature grandfather clock which belonged

to Maureen's grandfather who was heighto-typical

and is now sadly no longer with us or her.

I think Maureen was hoping that by fixing her grandfather's miniature

grandfather clock,

I would in some way be bringing her grandfather back to life.

That's a pleasing abstraction, but of course in

a literal sense it's nonsense, isn't it?

Yes, it's nonsense. I repair clocks, not brain damage.

Copy that. Of course, the whole area of grief and death is

so upsetting that people quite understandably

try to comfort themselves by talking shit, don't they?

Well, this, is it?

So, when Maureen comes in later

and says something along the lines of,

"It's like you've brought my grandfather back to life"

we should be alert to the metaphorical content of that

statement and not start worrying the poor woman can't tell

the difference between a carpenter and a necromancer.

That's right, Benji. I'm very much just a carpenter.

Well, hang on there with the "just" there, Sam.

Jesus was a carpenter, wasn't he?

Well, according to two of the four New Testament Gospels, yes.

In fact, come to think of it, if we believe the story of Lazarus,

Jesus was both a carpenter and a necromancer.

He really is the ideal person for this programme, isn't he?

Jesus should be doing my job.

I'm not going to argue with that, Sam.

But if we can't have Jesus, I think you're the next best thing.

That's very nice.

Let's see how Cathy's getting on with that gramophone.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media