Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

I'm sorry, sir, you're being taken for a random search.

Follow me, please.

OVERLAPPING CHATTER

Here he fucking is.

Took your time, eh, Magid?

Low it. Man's got responsibilities and that now, bruv, come on.

Banging his girl more like.

Shut up, you fucking dickhead, man.

Hey, Wasim, chill!

Congrats, yeah?

Big man now, is it?

Oh, Magid!

Apron, come on, eh?

Before big night tonight,

plenty of work.

SHOUTING

Yes?

What is this?

No, no, no, low it, low it!

Oh, my days!

OK.

Calm music, calm cooking.

Now, apron on!

CHAOTIC CHATTER

And Mubarak for tonight.

Hmm?

She must be the most fortunate one indeed.

Come on, come on, come on!

Big night out tonight, eh?

That's right.

This guy, you know?

RAP MUSIC RESTARTS

Hey! Let's go, bro!

Come on, man!

Yo!

Enjoying your last week of freedom?

Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies.

# I may say, "Dude, he truly the new roomie

# She wanna do me cos... #

Go on.

Oy, she's peng in that picture still.

You know man only deal with straight tens, G, come on.

Why is her IG on lock, though?

It's on private to keep her away from pervs like you, mate.

PHONE PINGS

Boss. PHONE PINGS

Someone silence that fucking phone. Relax, bro.

Taking the piss.

PHONE PINGS

BELL DINGS

Whose phone is it? It's driving me...!

Turn it off. Off!

Sake, man.

Oh, shit.

Fuck. Mag! Mag!

Mag! One second, man!

OVERLAPPING SHOUTING

Give me that phone and get back to work!

Fuck's sake!

OVERLAPPING CHATTER

Shut up, man!

Please stop for a second.

Man's doubling up here because people aren't doing...

Fucking hell, man, he's pissing me off today. Oh, shit.

Hey, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BELL JANGLES UNTRANSLATED

Looking fresh. Gonna be about 10, 15, yeah?

INDISTINCT CHAT

That one is for you... Mubarak...

Mubarak. Hey, what's all this about?

My nephew is getting hitched.

What, in a takeaway? No, no, no, the wedding ain't till next week.

Tonight we got the, um...

INDISTINCT CHAT

Hey...

A wild stag do...

OVERLAPPING CHAT

BELL JANGLES

BELL JANGLES

Hey!

And for you, boss? I got this, yeah?

So, what, your phone dead or something?

Hey, listen, now's not the time.

This is what I don't get.

Why am I finding myself on your fucking IG, of all places?

Zaf, come on, man, we'll talk.

Now's really not the time, though. So, what?

You're just not telling me shit like I'm some fucking next man?

Magid!

OK, OK, two curries...

OK, OK, OK...

Come on.

A friend of my nephew?

Yeah. It's Zafar.

Ah!

For fuck's sake, man!

Zafar! Little Zafar!

You know, Zafar, I always remember when you were a toddler,

you would run around that mosque with your chuddies...

So, um, your friend, he will come to the Mehndi tonight, huh?

No.

No, it's not... It's just a little family thing, innit?

Family.

In full Priti Patel mode, kicking out bare Pakis and that, innit?

Yes, but friends is the family.

That is the most important truth, huh?

You've known each other for how long?

What? Ten?

Something like that. Yeah.

Huh! Then definitely you should come.

You'll always need your friends around you, huh?

PHONE RINGS

Oh... Always one problem after another.

You couldn't believe your auntie. I have to get this.

Hello? Honey!

Family thing, yeah?

Hmm? Yeah. Look, bro, I'm busy.

So if you want to order...

I'm going to pop out for a cigarette, huh?

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Bro, we're going to chat about this, yeah?

Bro! I'm at work.

So, this wedding - you're not being held captive.

No-one's forcing you or anything.

No, no, no, it's my choice, G.

Don't be thinking nothing like that, man.

It's an arranged thing, yeah? Yeah, it's arranged.

Arranged by consent, G.

Fucking hell. It's halal dating, innit?

Only part is my old man putting the photos.

Bro, but I thought you were... Bro, just leave it, yeah?

I'm starving out here. My bad, little man.

What you saying? What do you want?

Uh, let me get the spices...

Yeah, spicy? Abz, Abz! Yo, Abz, can you come here a sec?

Yo, come here a sec.

Abz is gonna take your order, yeah?

Yo, Mag!

Mag!

How many orders?

Come on. Three chickens down in the box. Let's go.

Ready to go? Come on.

Yo, Mag... Hey! No.

I just want to chat. What the fuck do you want, bro?

Are you fucking chatting to me now, yeah?

Get out of my kitchen! I've got this. It's nothing.

Now, bro, this really ain't the fucking day, yeah?

I've got some shit I want to say.

You've been ghosting me for weeks.

Fucking say what you need to say and dip, innit, man?

Bro!

I know you ain't getting...

I know for a fact you ain't getting married.

You fucking know it.

Yo, where's this girl even come from, anyways?

So are you actually gonna give up the rest of your life

for some random kudi?

Bro, are you fucking mad?

Watch how you're chatting, G, yeah?

Yo, Mag, I need some help. Fuck off.

There's been as mix-up... What did I fucking say, man?!

Yo, shit...

Bro, it's come out of nowhere.

OK.

Can I just...?

What's she like?

Seen her.

Photo.

W-What do you think?

She's, um...

It is what it is, innit?

Yo, it's...

It's me, man.

You know I actually give a fuck, right?

And if you're gonna do this, I just want to make sure you're...

This is it, innit?

The bad boy's been copped.

THEY CHUCKLE

Nah, you're mocking it, son.

Nah, it's good, it's good.

It's just you be doing a...

..whole ting over there.

Wife and kids, innit?

Don't worry, bro, man.

I got you.

I'll find you a buff Arab ting, innit?

Big back and that. Come on, bro, trust me.

Yeah.

Yeah, but give it a couple of years, innit?

And now you're gonna make me jealous of all the action you get out there.

I'm eating fucking salan roti with the in-laws.

You deserve that.

What's that?

To be jealous.

Probably.

Nah, you should come, innit?

Tonight. To the Mehndi.

What's...?

What's Priti Patel gonna think?!

It's all right.

It won't...

It's just that...

It's out of my hands, innit?

TEARFULLY: Didn't know what else to do, and that...

So...

What, man?

What happens?

You say goodbye.

It's OK. It's OK.