Original subtitles

subtitle by BN

Hello, and welcome to Changing Meals.

This week, I'm going to be cooking a meal for Barry Watson, who's a teacher, lives in this house here.

Let's see if he's in, hope he's not out.

That'll be typical.

Hi, Barry. Good to see you.

We are worried you might be out.

Well, what do you mean?

You've been here over an hour.

You've only just gone outside again.

- So what's on the... - I'm miked up.

- So where is the kitchen? - It's where you set up all those lights.

Yeah, of course it is.

Excuse me, come on.

Dad?

- Yes, Sam? - If you and uncle Peter had a fight, who'd win?

- What? - If you and uncle Peter had a fight, who'd win?

- That'd be silly, Sam. - Who'd we know?

Uncle Peter and I are not going to have a fight.

- Yeah, but if you did... - There's no if about it.

Why on Earth would Uncle Peter and I have a fight?

Yeah, but if you did have a fight, who'd win?

We're not going to have a fight.

It's not nice to have a fight.

I know it's not nice to have a fight and you wouldn't have a fight,

but if you did have a fight, who'd win?

All right, Sam, have it your way.

If Uncle Peter and I had a fight, then I suppose I'd win.

- Uncle Peter. - Hello, trouble. What is it now?

If you and dad have a fight.

- Who'd win? - That'd be silly, Sammy.

- You know that your dad and I... - He said he would.

What?

- He said he would win. - Did he?

- Dad said if... - That's rubbish. There's no way he'd win.

- I'd smash his face in. - Look, Pete.

Come on. There's no way you and I are ever going to have a fight.

- Agreed. - But if we did, you would not win.

I think you'd find otherwise.

I just don't see how a garden, however nice,

- is ever gonna be a wonder of the world. - Because it's hanging.

- Yeah, but no, there's... - It's hanging.

Yes, you keep saying that, I can't really picture it.

Neither can I. I mean, the idea of a hanging garden is quite difficult to get into your head,

but that gives it instant mystery, which I think you need.

But how do we achieve that?

- What is that? - Well, I don't know.

Well, I suppose if you've got lots of hanging baskets, big ones,

- like almost hanging bathtubs... - No, no, it's a hanging garden.

It's not a garden with things hanging in it.

It is the garden itself Has to be.

- hanging there. - But bear with me.

You get lots and lots of hanging baskets, which are always nice.

No, nice doesn't cut it.

It's got to be, "Oh my God.

"Never before have I seen a garden hang!"

And this is a hanging garden.

That's what we want.

So a very high heat to sear in all that lovely flavor,

and then just turn it right down and leave it to simmer.

How are you getting on there, Barry?

Can't the runner chop these as well?

Well, you've done a manful job there, Barry.

- Right. Well, the next step has always... - I only did that one.

- The next step has always, is for Barry... - She did the rest.

It's for Barry to show us where are we going to be eating.

So Barry, lead the way.

Don't you need to move all your...The cam, the light...

Just walked out of the door.

Sorry.

Sorry, it's in here, is it, Barry?

Well, of course it is.

Oh, this is an absolutely lovely dining room, Barry.

Yes, you've kept this well hidden away.

What do you mean, you've been setting up in here for half an hour?

Yes, we're really going to enjoy having our meal in here.

What, are we having another one?

We had it yesterday, do you remember?

We didn't have time to do this bit.

This is a lovely painting.

I was worried that my hair would look longer.

What's that for?

- That's just my trumpet. - You're not gonna play that in here, are you?

- No, no, it's for later. - Because that would be very distracting.

No, I'm on my way to trumpet practice.

- I wouldn't dream of playing it in here. - Right.

- You're not going to play it? - No.

Dad.

- Hello, Sam. What is it? - Out of you and uncle Peter,

who earns more?

I really have no idea.

- Guess. - No, Sam, really.

I have no idea how much uncle Peter earns.

Can't be that much, though, can it?

- Well. - Unless he doesn't like cars. Uncle Peter?

- Yes, trouble. - Out of you and dad,

who earns more?

- Well, I... - It's Dad, isn't it?

- Probably. - Probably yes.

Unless you're the best paid sales rep in Europe,

- and he's a lawyer for free. - Sales manager.

Why do you always insist on going halves and everything?

Is it pride?

Action.

Well, thanks very much, Chris.

- That was lovely. - That was my pleasure.

Barry, my old mate. Well, we'd better be off now.

- Cheerio. - Are you going?

Haven't you got to do the bit with the din...that walking into the dining room?

Yeah, we'll do it tomorrow.

So bye.

Won't my hair look longer?

Bye.

Aren't you going as well?

The van's over there...the van you came in is over there.

You're just going to let him walk?

He's going the wrong way, isn't he?

Oh, I don't understand.

- Hi. - Hi.

- It's... - Ellis.

- You're...Tim. - Tom.

Hi.

We don't know each other very well.

No.

This could be a bit...

couldn't it?

I think it will be, yes.

What's...

Oh, it's just some drinks.

You're not allowed to drink.

Oh, I'm not going to drink it in here.

I'm on my way to a party, and I forgot that I was coming in here.

- so I got all this too early. - Right.

Because you mustn't get drunk in here.

Oh, absolutely. I won't touch a drop.

Oh, guys, water cooler moment!

- Hello, Susan. What did you say? - You know, office life.

Ally McBeal water cooler moment.

OK, so you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just a mad woman in the office.

Susan, you realize this isn't the unisex toilet, don't you?

Don't I know it, but how else am I going to meet guys?

Well, you're in the Territorial Army.

Well, Susan. I read your report on the marketing strategy restructure,

you're trying to pull out of a [something] upstairs.

I thought it was really good.

You really cut through the crap again.

- A very clear message. - Get off Frank, you old flirt.

Who am I kidding?

Mr Right doesn't work in my department.

What's it all for, ay?

You know, career first, biological clock, tik tok.

Why do I always go for the bastards?

But John's a great bloke.

- Everybody likes him. - Oh, John, John, John,

- John. John. John. - Yeah. Your husband, John?

No, he doesn't want me anymore.

Who'd want someone as fat as me?

It's all the fags and the chocolates.

You don't smoke because of the children.

I thought you were allergic to chocolate.

Details. Oops. There goes my self esteem.

I'm just terrified I'm gonna end up like my mother.

But your mother was in the Wilson cabinet.

She makes millions lecturing in the United States.

Later.

- Dad. - What is it, Sam?

Who's pretty, mum or Auntie Jane?

Sam, what a question.

- The things they say. - Who's pretty, dad?

- Mum or auntie Jane? - Well, they're both pretty, Sam.

- Right. But who's prettier? - Well, don't be silly.

You can't say who's prettier. They're different.

Britney Spears and Ann Robinson are different,

but I can say who's prettier. Who's pretty, dad?

Mum or auntie Jane?

Well, I think mummy is prettier.

but I'm sure uncle Peter thinks Aunty Jane is.

Does he?

Which of you is right?

Well, I suppose, objectively, your mother is prettier.

Uncle Peter, dad thinks mom's pretty than Auntie Jane.

Well, Sam, perhaps she is.

But then again, she'd need to be, because she is quite tedious to talk to.

So let's hear what Barry really thought of the food after we'd gone.

You're still here.

You're still here. You're all still here.

So, what did Barry think after we'd all gone?

The sound recorder is still here.

Why did you stop to say hello?

I don't know now. I wish I hadn't.

I mean, you knew this might happen.

I know, I just didn't think it would be as bad as this.

Right, well...

Better give it a go.

- How are you? - Fine.

- How are you? - Fine.

So much for that.

You can't use that in here.

- What? - You can't use that.

Could yu keep your noise down, please?

- Sorry. - I was just propping it up, so it doesn't slip.

It's for my nephew.

You're not going to use it?

No, I'm taking it to my nephew.

He's in Pizza Express. It is birthday.

Right, just don't use it.

Just don't use it. Oh no.

I just came here on my way.

Yes, right.

But if it's just a pyramid,

then there isn't going to be any natural light getting through to the bottom.

The hollowed-out bit. You know, the room. The bit you go in.

See, the way you've got it at the moment, all of the pyramid,

- I mean, the main bit is just... - Well, yeah, it's meant to be.

Yeah, I know.

But with my one, it's more like... - It's a giant statue of a man straddling a harbour.

- Yeah, it's a colossus. - Well, what sort of a pyramid is that?

Well, it's a really bad pyramid.

I'm not saying my colossus is a good pyramid.

- Well, it isn't. - Yeah, no, but listen,

all I'm saying is is it's better than a pyramid.

- Are you saying we shouldn't do a pyramid? - I...For my money,

I think we should do a colossus.

- Dad? - Hmm?

Out of you and uncle Peter,

who's got the longest willy?

- Who's got...I'm sorry? - Out of you and uncle Peter,

who's got the longest willy?

Well, I don't know, Sam, we've never really compared.

I have.

- What? - I have.

Out of you and me, I have certainly got the longest willy.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sure I've got no idea

- when you think you've had the opportunity... - Oh come off it, John.

Peter's is much longer.

You see, we just don't know each other well enough.

I know, I know,

- but I just don't know how we're going to get out of this. - No.

Neither do I.

I mean, I can't just go.

Why not?

Right. Yes, it would.

I mean, I don't mind.

I could go at the same time, if it's all right with you.

It's not about us anymore.

It's bigger than that.

Does that mean we're going to have to stay here forever?

Unless you've got any better ideas?

No, red blood cells. It's at the beginning of the 4th part,

not some time when you feel like it.

Now, who's got the membrane?

Careful with that, it's silk.

Ballet ought to be about things that matter to people now,

not some fairy tale that happened 100 years ago.

You, Melissa, are a fat bitch.

I'm not interested in Swans.

I'm not interested in lakes.

What does interest me is presenting through dance

something that we're perhaps not used to seeing evoked through this medium.

And perhaps some of us would rather not see it.

And perhaps that's the point. I don't know.

Well, you know, I have to say I'm quite pleased,

because originally I was supposed to be one of the first wave of T cells,

but then Alexis pulled a hamstring.

Now I'm actually going to be one of the last T cells, which means I'll be,

I'll be around pretty much until the end, you know, well, into the full blown section.

Why do a ballet about AIDS?

Well, we don't all have microscopes,

let alone Samples of AIDS patients blood.

That's just obviously impractical.

So what we're doing here, really, is creating a 900 seat petri dish,

where you can see the devastating effect of the virus on the body, six nights a week,

with two matinees, showing the effect on the body, through, with, on

at and with the body,

with dancing,

ballet dancing.

Originally, I was worried about whether it be obvious that I was the virus,

not because it's the main role, which it is,

but because, you know, nobody knows how AIDS dances.

I didn't know how AIDS dances until I did this show.

Yep, that's better, Guy. But don't forget to do you dancing.

Your ballet dancing.

Have they made up their minds about the policy of wearing these red ribbons yet?

Because I know everyone is wearing one.

But should I be wearing one?

Because I am AIDS, and I would already be aware.

Anyone know, Gavin?

Well, I'll just take it off, then.

We did have a member of the cast

who actually had AIDS,

which was quite a coup, brilliant for publicity.

Unfortunately, he had to drop out because

he was finding some of the lifts a bit hard work,

you know, a bit tiring.

And of course, nobody really wanted to go near him, because...

Apparently, you can catch it off loo seats.

That's right, isn't it?

Yeah.

You can't use that in here.

I wasn't going to. It's for later.

- You can't. - I've just bought it,

and the people at the shop offered to blow it up for me,

because they've got an electric pump.

And stupidly I said yes, forgetting that I was coming here on my way home.

- I hope that's all right. - Well, as long as you don't distract anyone.

Oh no, I'm not going to fuck it until I get home.

Right.

Oh, God, Rebecca, really should come around more often.

Hardly ever see you now.

No, well, I don't like to impose on a family idle.

Don't be silly.

- Dad. - Hmm?

Out of Mommy and auntie Rebecca, who's nicest?

Who's nicest? He does come out with them, doesn't he?

Who though, out of Mommy and auntie Rebecca,

who's nicest?

Well, I think they're both very nice.

Right.

But who's nicest?

Well, it's a difficult question.

Is it?

- Well, I... - I should get going?

You stay where you are.

Sam, I think Mummy and auntie Rebecca are equally nice.

Equally nice?

Yes. Well, yeah, I mean, I...

I mean, I...

I couldn't possibly choose between you.

You managed eventually,

Becky, I tried to explain at the time.

Her father offered me that loan, yours worked in a sausage factory.

I mean, what was I supposed to do?

Bastard! Bastard!

You see, Sam, you make one mistake in life,

one mistake, that's what you get.

Oh, fuck.

Oh fuck.

Just don't cry, alright?

Just doesn't help.

Sorry.

Set me off in a minute.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm collecting for Dr. Barnardo.

Would you like to make a contribution?

- Are you out of your fucking mind? - What?

This is a Marie Curie pub, you stupid bastard.

- A What?- Listen, if you come collecting in here, you come collecting for the Marie Curie Cancer Care,

that's if you want to leave him on peace.

- But there's a collecting box on the bar for the RSPB! - You fucking idiot.

That's all that's left with the last stupid twat,

who came in here not collecting for the Marie Curie.

It may say RSPB be on the box,

but the money goes to the Marie Curie Cancer Care!

I better go.

Not in there, that's the Guide Dogs for the Blind!

Do you know, I n get used to this.

Thought you just waltz into the King's Head, did you?

You Sally Army. Wake up!

Now that is going to the Royal National Lifeboat Institute.