Original subtitles

subtitle by BN

Do you know, that makes me so angry.

- What, darling? - I was standing in the bar, waiting to be served.

And there was a woman there taking her drinks away.

And she pilled her G & T on my wrist.

You see, my sleeve is quite wet.

I mean, if I was any kind of man, I would have glassed her.

Oh, you should have done, darling. You should have cut her face.

I know, but I get so embarrassed.

So, we've got it. It's one God, you're the chosen people.

You're living in this land that you've been promised.

We don't know what to call that yet.

Yeah, but I was thinking, it shouldn't actually be that great.

I mean, they really like it.

- But it should be a bit...arid. - Arid.

But they really love it.

To them, it's like...Hampshire.

- And they got their rules, but they're not written in stones. - No, they are written in stones.

OK, they are written in stone.

And the messiah might be coming, and God's like...kind of grumpy dad.

It's no picnic, but everything's gonna be just fine.

Yeah. It's like the end of Logan's Run.

You know, it's not gonna be easy, but at least we're doing it on our own terms now.

- And the messiah definitely doesn't come. - No, he doesn't.

But we could do a spin-off.

Fuck that.

Hi everyone.

Just being shown to my table. I know what you're thinking.

"Oh, dining on his own. What a tragic figure of a man."

"Hope he doesn't got some disease."

Don't worry, though. Quite alright.

I'm fine. Very happy to be on my own.

Nooo problem.

- Can I get you something to drink, sir? - I would like a drink.

Yes, well, I think they're better. Let's get on with it.

Quite hot, actually.

Anyone else hot?

Quite hot.

So, the drink, sir.

I'll have a bottle of that, please. And one glass.

Just one glass...

needed.

No, it was gonna be four of us, actually.

It's me and three friends, not four of me, obviously. Imagine...

But they had to cancel and...

There it is.

So I might as well...So, here we are.

Or rather, here I am, singular tense.

Not that I'm tense but I'm singular. I am on my own now and everyone is looking.

Ah! Thank God for the cavalry.

I wonder, could you please kill me?

It's amazing, he's such a pro.

He's due on stage in another 11 seconds, and there he is just talking on the phone.

And he'll go on stage and he'll click straight into it. It's seamless.

He's absolutely brilliant.

Well, she'll never change.

Listen, I gotta go. That's my cue.

Ah! Welcome to Shrewsbury, noble captain.

From the banks of the Danube to the Severnside, noble captain, you're welcome.

Sorry, I'm a bit...

I was on the ph...

Sorry, can I do that again?

And you know what it's like

when you think about what you should have done afterwards?

I mean, I'd pressed the button, it said "wait".

The traffic lights were already changing,

What was the earthly point in his pressing it again?

But of course, I just pretended to ignore it.

When in fact, it would have been no less than he deserved if I had given him a Chelsea smile.

You know, slashed his face up a bit.

Well, it started about...Must be just under a week ago now.

I was sitting in here, I was watching the telly.

And there was this knock at the door.

So I answered it.

And it was this bloke saying he was making a documentary.

And could he interview me.

And it would be 75 quid for the morning.

They gave you money?

Well, they promised me money,

- but I mean, I haven't seen any any... - Who's they, Terry?

Well, you know. It's...it's you.

Is it me, Terry?

Yeah, it's you. It's you lot.

What happened next?

Well, nothing for six days. And then this morning, the door went again.

So I answered it and it was just all these blokes with the lights and fluffy microphone things.

And the same bloke and you.

And they, you came in, and set up all your gear.

And well, you know, you know the rest.

What's the rest?

Well, you've been here ever since.

And how does that make you feel?

- Well, I just feel... - Would you like us to leave?

- Well, I suppose... - Do you want us to go?

Is that what you want, Terry?

Well, yeah, actually.

- Can you go? - No.

How long have you been here?

- I don't know. - It's nine hours, isn't it, Terry?

We've been here nine hours.

How do you feel?

What's wrong with your face?

- It's this powder. - What powder?

The powder you put on me.

'Cause of the lights, you said.

It's very itchy. I've got very sensitive skin.

Did you rather we took the powder off, Terry?

Is that better?

Well, marginally.

Oh, well, I did enjoy that.

Anyone have the...No, you didn't have the noodles, did you?

Very nice, it was lovely.

It's just nice to have a bit of peace!

It's been a bit hectic.

Gives me the chance to get on with my book.

Ah, Mr. Harris.

You're all the company I need.

What's gonna happen?

Did he now?

Was it?

Right.

Cause what's happening is...

Two coffees, please.

- Yeah. - Did you manage to get to Sophie's...

Is that my phone?

No, it's not me.

Uh, no.

Maybe it's me.

No.

Yeah, yeah, that's your altimeter.

Okay, look at it, now what does it say?

Right, that's good, now stay calm, don't make any sudden moves.

We're gonna get through this, Jane.

Now, to the left of your altimeter...

He used to be a pilot.

What a pro!

He's on any second, he's still got time to talk her down.

And mark my words, you won't miss a bit when he's out there.

Okay, Jane, now, that's my cue, so I've got to go.

But just hold it steady, and I'll be back in a minute.

Don't touch any buttons.

So, it is your brother Casius at the door, who does desire to see.

In truth, gentle...

I'm sorry.

Just...

Woman on the phone...

in a plane.

Can we do it again?

What are you eating, Terry?

Ravioli.

Are you enjoying your ravioli, Terry?

Well...

Yeah, only your thing is putting me off a bit.

Do you mean the boom, Terry?

Yeah, whatever.

We want to hear you eat.

It'll get cold, Terry.

I thought you liked ravioli.

And he said "Oh, excuse me". And you know, I wish I had my bag with me.

'Cause then I would have had my two Stanley knife blades, taped around a 2p coin.

And I could have given him a jolly good slash on the inner thigh.

It never heals, you see? The cuts are too close together.

He would have bled to death over about a month.

- Something really [something] on one of my shoes. - Let's have a look.

So, if you want to find out what happened to the Stalin look-alike,

then I'm afraid you're gonna have to buy the book.

Right, that's me down. I'm gonna be off.

No, 'cause I got some people dropping around later.

They said, these people, they said they'd drop round later, so...

There'll be some people dropping around later.

You know, here we go again.

No rest for...and so forth.

No, it'll be nice to have a bit of company.

Right, I'll be...

Well, might as well, well, have a brandy.

Really gonna focus tonight.

I've been a bit lazy recently, but...

My agent's here tonight, so I really wanna be on top of it.

What's my cue again?

It's "Martin, you fucker, you've stolen my smack."

This is a great play.

Martin, you fucker, you've stolen my smack.

Oh God, it's me!

- Thank you so much, this is lovely. - Oh, my pleasure.

I'll get the next round.

- Oh, it's nice. - Yeah, I like it.

I think I've had that at home, actually.

We have you surrounded.

Lay down your weapons and come out with your hands up.

We don't have any weapons!

If you do not comply in 5 seconds, we will open fire.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

I can't believe you're trying to complicate the spin-off, I mean,

- it's already a spin-off. - I think it really needs it.

Look, if you've got the plain, grumpy, annoyed ones

and then you got the sort of more colorful, nice paintings,

do what you like as long as you confess it,

one's in fantastic gear.

And you've got the sort of weird eastern ones with funny hats who don't sort of much come into it,

then you know, I think that gives it some meat.

I think you're expecting far too much of people.

I think it really needs it.

- I think we should stick to the... - Stick to the what?

I mean, I'm just trying to have a bit of interest here.

Because there's no getting away from the fact that

the messiah has come and then gone away again.

And where does that lead us?

He might come back.

So what?

Frankly. I mean, you know, him possibly coming back is not an event.

The film Volcano does not start with the clear-up after the volcano erupts,

with everyone going "Ooh, I wonder what it'll be like if it ever erupted again?"

Opening scene of Alien "Oh thank God we get rid of that alien."

"I wonder if there'll ever be any more."

I think you're turning it into a soap opera.

We wouldn't have had this problem if it wasn't a spin-off.

You know, I've always thought we should have done more with the holy ghost.

The holy ghost has always been a non-starter.

The holy ghost is like Mike in The Young Ones.

I'm sorry Guy, but to me, this just doesn't quite say "the invisible man."

Well, I'm sorry as well, Tony.

- But it's the best I can do. - I know, Guy,

And I'm very glad you've put so much preparation into the part.

Thank you.

But I just think the hat should be invisible as well.

No way, I'm not happy doing that.

- It's just...We can see the hat. - Well, you would be able to see the hat.

Look, how about we try it where half way through the scene,

you take the hat off or something.

What reason, Tony?

What, because a funeral goes by?

- If you like. - Look.

He's the invisible man, he doesn't give a shit about that sort of thing.

- Doesn't he? - Look, Tony, I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to get me to take the hat off

so the audience will think that the hat's invisible. And I'm just not having it.

Look, if you're having problems making the hat invisible...

I'm not having problems, Tony. I can make the hat invisible.

We could get an easier hat.

Look, I've made my fucking shoes invisible.

- Look, right, OK. - That's it!

No. I look stupid.

Well, of course, Barbara is much better at coping with these situations than I am.

Really, I should have made him swallow a razor blade

attached to a piece of string and then given it a good yank.

As it was, I carved my initials in his cheek and left it at that.

I bloody hate Millwall supporters.

Hello there.

You don't mind?

Of course not.

That's what the chapel's for.

Prayer, or thinking, or just somewhere to be quiet.

Would you rather be on your own?

No, no.

Don't worry, I won't try and convert you.

Anything in particular troubling you?

Well, it's just this girl.

In the third year.

- You probably know her. - Let's not mention any names.

Yeah.

Well, I just started to like her.

I mean, really like her.

Probably more than it's good for me.

- Let's not mince words. It's Robert, isn't it? - Yeah.

You're in love with girl, aren't you, Robert?

It's not a pash or a crush, it isn't puppy love.

It's the real thing.

It'll never go away.

That's right, yeah.

But the problem is that...

The problem is, Robert, that she doesn't seem to feel the same way about you.

You're giving her the gift of your love.

And you're getting nothing back.

- It's bitter, isn't it? - Well...

You walk past her room everyday,

slow your pace in hope she might be looking out of the window at that moment.

A chance wave.

Flowers everyday, anonymous cards to hide your shame.

Inscribed with passages of Byron that you're passing off as your own.

And what do you get?

I haven't sent her any flowers.

You learn her habits as if their were you own, until they become your own.

It becomes a ritual. Peering through the window of her car everyday

to check the extra miles on the clock.

Draw the radius on the map, long walks with binoculars.

Lunch at half past 12, learn to be there first to catch that chance greeting.

And if she speaks, what will you say?

Nothing.

Actually, we talk quite a bit.

Oh yes, tell me, mindless in ain babbling.

Anything to keep talking.

Anything to keep hearing her voice outside your head

as well as inside it.

Anything to stave off the moment

where you must trudge weary and alone back to your room.

And glumly toss yourself off over that picture of her that you stole

that doesn't even do her justice.

Um, well...Thanks for the chat.

And there you lie, empty and panting with your trousers round your knees,

with the hope that used to drive you corrupting your heart like some sick, toxic filth.

And later, her car gone, slouched over the bar,

the shimmering optic seeming to conjure up her face.

The barmaid pouting at you like some grotesque parody of a whore.

Until you forget, if only for a few hours.

- Well, I've really got to be going. - She's a bitch!

She's a bitch and I love it.

I love that pain bitch.

Bitch pained love bitch.

Well, as I say...

- Thanks for the chat. - And at the end of the day, plenty more fish in the sea.

Right.

Cheers.

Oh God, I think I got a tinnitus or something.

Burning flesh.

Christ!

OK, so once more from the top of the scene.

- Guy. - Yeah?

You weren't sitting there before, were you?

Yeah.

No, you're weren't, you were over there.

No, 'cause if I was there, I'd be behind Fiona.

Nobody will be able to see me.

Oh, sorry, you're quite right.

Heart attack.

Earthquake!

Earthquake!

Can you move your tripod, please?

Because it's nearly time for Deep Space Nine.

What do you like about Deep Space Nine?

Well, it's...I mean, why do you want to know that?

I mean, it's just ...good.

I mean, why are you even here?

Are you getting angry, Terry?

Well, I mean, you know, you come in here.

I wouldn't mind if I had my money, but...

Do you feel better now, Terry?

Yeah, why don't you move your tripod?

Isn't it time for you bath, Terry?

That wall won't piss itself.

OK, let's quickly rehearse the bow.

So, Jacques and Fiona, you come forward.

And bow.

And part.

And Guy, you come forward.

And bow...

No, Guy, not that hat!

What, not even for the bow?

Fuck off.