Original subtitles

I believe, I truthfully believe that reality television has saved television.

You know, actors, writers, producers, directors, agents, we all aspire to the

truth, you know, and what greater truth is there than reality, even when it's

scripted?

I don't know how to get them out. I don't know how to freak them out. I

don't know how to hide them.

Two flies in my eye I don't know how to get them out I don't know how to freak

them out I don't know how to guide them Two flies in my eye I don't know how to

get them out I don't know how to freak them out I don't know how to guide them

Two flies in my heart.

I don't know how to get them out.

I don't know how to freak them out.

I don't know how to fly them.

Two flies in my heart.

I don't know how to get them out.

I don't know how to freak them out.

I don't know how to fly them.

with these one-touch passes.

There's no doubt, Vance Carr is the stick who stirs the Diggers drink this

season.

Tell me how excited you are about the Diggers possibly going to the finals.

To see this town go so far, it's the most amazing feeling in the world, and

we have such an amazing team.

We are just so blessed by Jesus Christ, and I know that he really wants us to

win state.

Um, I want to change gears a little bit.

You're friends with Janie Hansen. Have you spoken to her since her father was

released from prison?

Um... I don't think

I'm supposed to talk about that.

Erin, let's wrap this up.

I have to go now.

I'm telling you something awfully.

These people aren't as clueless as you think.

They've got good bullshit detectors.

Now, if... Make that when they find out what we're up to, there's gonna be hell

to pay.

Hey, Ted.

What? When Blanca gets here, you might not want to act like such a limp dick

little douche.

She'll walk all over you.

Ted just couldn't handle her, you know?

He was just a little wimpy, and Lee let him have it, so he had to go.

Yes, I fired Ted, if that's what you want to know.

I told him he could finish out the week.

Gave me a few days to find his replacement.

This is Margo Moorhead reporting live outside the Culver City Courthouse,

where it looks like even more bad news for Blanca Champion.

On the heels of her well-publicized bout with exhaustion come allegations of

assault and battery from John Jordan, a production assistant on the set of her

new movie, Hush Hush.

As expected, Jordan filed suit today against Champion and Affiliated Studios.

Allegedly, Champion found the green tea latte delivered to her trailer by

Jordan, not to her liking.

That's when sources say Champion proceeded to hurl the scolding hot drink

at Jordan, causing second-degree burns from his torso, well, down to his more

delicate regions. In a statement released this morning, Champion swears

the beverage was only lukewarm, which is indeed why she threw it at him in the

first place.

I was starting to think that I'd never work again. Oh, stop it. Stop it. Come

on.

All right, I'm excited. Tell me about this job. I'm serious, okay?

A great concept for a reality show. Now picture this. A small border town. The

high school hockey team on a hundred-year losing streak winds up with

a star forward.

For the first time in the school's history, they got a shot at the state

championship. Production's running a little bit behind. They need a solid

director, and I told them you're the guy.

Underdog sports team, kid makes good.

I like it. I knew it. I knew it.

Now, get this. The team's called the Gold Diggers. They're from this tiny

little town called White Plains in North Dakota. North Dakota?

Oh, wow.

Uh, border town kind of makes it sound like Mexico.

Uh, I don't know. See, and I'm from San Diego. I think I might freeze my ass

off. Two words, Jake. Global warming. My assistant looked it up online. It's like

Cabo up there right now.

When did you say your condo payment was due?

Okay, look, I know back on the ranch getting canceled like that was tough on

you. I know, I get it, okay? Now get over it. This will boost your

confidence. And besides, the network would really consider this one a

favorite.

And actually, there's one more thing.

What?

Blanca Champion's gonna be up there with you.

Blanca Champion?

You're joking, right?

I never joke when there's a commission involved, Jake.

Her next movie is with the network's film division, and she's playing a

reality television director who uncovers some major political scandal. I haven't

read the script yet. She wants to do the whole method thing, you know, be taken

seriously as an actress. And since you and Blanca worked so well together, the

network thought that she could observe you.

Worked well together? Seton, I was her production assistant on her first movie.

I was a glorified babysitter. I doubt she even remembers me. Well, guess what?

Not only does she remember you, she loves, loves, loves the idea. She says

this time around, she could be your PA.

Besides, with all the bad publicity she's been getting lately, she could use

a little babysitting.

Seton, let me get this straight.

You want me to go to a remote town in a red state that borders Canada with

Blanca Champion pretending to fetch people coffee?

What? Seton, that's ridiculous.

I'm not that broke. And to be honest with you, life is too short. And how is

it even possible?

You know what it's like going out in public with her. She draws crowds like

the Beatles. No, no, no.

That's the beauty, Jake. The townspeople have already signed nondisclosure

agreements. You and Blanca are going to be in the middle of nowhere. Only studio

publicity knows about it. And by the time the world press gets wind of it,

your show will be wrapped.

And best of all, they're going to pay your rate.

Yeah, huh. Yeah, you're welcome.

Besides, getting out of town might help you get over the breakup, too.

Thanks for going there, Seton. Oh, come on, Jake. If my fiancé left me for some

dipshit kid from Survivor, I'd jump at the chance to get out of town.

Can I bring my dog?

Yeah, I thought this would be a great thing for Jake. You know, when your

personal life starts going to hell, work really is the best antidote.

My name is Nick, and I am a PA on the show Digger Fever. White Plains is the

kind of city that people in middle America make fun of. I know that there's

little kids operating machinery, like five-year-olds. This is a really small

town, you know, there's...

It's bizarre, and that's just the way they live.

They catch their food, they hunt it, they cook it, they eat it.

You've got to hand it to Coach Ty Carhart for breaking this team's long

-running losing streak and turning this team into real contenders for state.

All right, well, that's all of it, Janie. You better get home or your mom's

going to kill me. And remember... I know, I know. Vance wasn't here. Right.

Thanks. Bye, Vance. Great game tonight.

Bye, K-Late.

Well, I'm gonna go up and try tweaking the dish, see if we can get some

reception.

Babe,

I know it's weird, but are you sure you're okay?

I mean, with his release and everything?

I'm okay.

Some dads give interviews to Fox Sports, and some give them to parole boards.

If the way that crew guy checked you out today is any indicator, when the show

hits the air, you're going to be the next Blanca champion, baby.

Vance.

She's skanky and blonde and rich.

We have nothing in common.

Whoa, not true. You both have smoking hot little booties.

Is that the only reason you date me? Yes.

Not in the fact it really pisses off my dad.

Come on.

Lift your clothes up. Then I can focus all my attention on you.

Go fix the dish while I turn off the lights and the trails.

Okay, roger that.

I can get the lights, too. Just finish up in here. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll

do it.

So, take two minutes.

Very pleased.

Couldn't wait, huh?

Very funny, Vance.

Come on, you know I hate this shit.

Vance?

The way that girl died is just, I don't know, in any other town, it would raise

a red flag.

And everybody here is just kind of going about their day-to-day business.

Nobody's thinking about it like it's a big deal.

What do I think about the amount of accidents in this town?

I think it's a shame it happened to all the pretty people.

I'm just kidding. That's not even funny. That's inappropriate.

Sorry.

Yeah. Hey, you look like Jake.

I'm Greg, the production's UPM.

Hey, man. Nice to meet you. How was your flight?

It was good. It was a little windy. Always like that around here. Pretty

much. Welcome to the Northwoods. You ready to go? Yeah.

It's about a six-hour drive to White Plains from here.

I was surprised there was no other crew on the plane with me. Most of the crew

arrived the Monday before last.

It's been pretty intense here with all that's happened.

Why? What's happened?

One of the local girls just got killed in an ATV accident.

Town Pope pretty much freaked out when Ted, our first director, tried to get

exclusive with him about it.

Wait, Ted, your first director? So I'm replacing him?

Dude, those agent types aren't too big on full disclosure, are they?

I generally tell my clients what they need to know, and Jake needed a job, and

he got it.

Hello?

Is there somebody down there?

We're taking a poll this morning on Good Morning White Plains. Bob Hanson, guilty

or innocent?

Hey, dude, you're up.

Jake, this intersection is a good landmark.

It's exactly 39 miles from your cabin.

The mini-mart on the right is where we do most of our shopping.

Is this the place?

Yeah, almost.

It's about another mile and a half down this road.

Summer homes, mostly.

We tried to find three together, but no such luck.

Oh, the second door on the right's your bedroom.

You're sharing this place with Lee, our executive producer.

Did you just see that?

I think I just saw a guy standing out there with a mask.

Dude, you've been up, what, like 20 hours?

We're in the boonies, bro.

Oh, by the way, Lee wants to meet you in an hour at the local diner for a

production meeting.

Uh, okay.

Um, so it's just me and Lee here? Is he here right now?

Yeah, she and no.

She's actually sleeping at one of the other crew cabins, but we're not

supposed to know about that.

We can talk about that later. Got map and directions and keys.

Peace out, brother.

Bongo, what did I just get us into?

I can't... You're gonna have to speak up. I can't... I can't hear you.

Hello?

Sit.

Wow, that's a crowd.

You must be Jake. I'm Phoebe, Lee's assistant.

We're totally excited you're here.

Jake, I'm Lee Tyson, the show's producer.

Thank you for getting here so quick.

Yeah, no problem. Hey, it's too bad your last show got canceled, but their loss

is our gain, am I right?

And you get your very own celebrity PA, Blanca Champion.

God bless her. She has got some beautiful tits.

Yeah. No, I'm sure she'll be flattered if you think so.

Hey, Phoebe, do me a favor. Will you go call the equipment house, see where the

rest of our stuff is?

Sure.

I'll be right back.

Okay, look, here's the deal. These people think that we are here to shoot a

reality show about their loser hockey team making good, but some girl kills

herself. Joyriding at night, probably drunk on moonshine or something. Hey,

hi, more coffee. Maybe.

Someday. Close to Starbucks. It's like 80 miles away. I don't get it. It's

ridiculous. Thank you.

Anyway, everyone has all been out of shape about this, except Coach Carhart,

who only cares about winning the championship.

Now, did I mention the ex-coach, Hanson?

He's a flippin' loon who just got out of prison for accidentally killing his wife

ten years ago.

Carhartt's son was banging Hansen's daughter.

Hansen's daughter ends up dead.

It's fucking gold.

Wow, yeah.

That's a lot of information.

You know, Lee, I kind of liked the whole underdog hockey team angle.

I'm not really such a fan of messing with people's heads.

And I am telling you that I want you to go to that high school and shoot me a

fucking show about these crazy coaches and their beer-guzzling buddies.

Got it?

Um, I take my job pretty seriously, and I try to do good work no matter what the

show, but talk to me like that again, and you can book me on the next flight

home.

Sorry it took so long. It's totally freezing out there and whatnot.

There's still no cell reception. I'll keep trying the equipment house.

Oh.

Can I help you?

What?

The talented people are all up in my grill because I've got my crew asking

questions that aren't just about hockey.

I mean, give me a break. Do these people even own a fucking television? It's not

like the show's for the fucking Nature Channel people.

Hello?

Hey, Shannon.

Hey, it's Jake. Is Seton in?

Yeah, I'm sure he is listen Shannon. I this is the first time I've had any bars

on my phone since I landed Something something's off here, and I really need

to talk to him before I go in and start this thing up Can you have him call me

please?

Hello Hello

Over here. Clients love, love, love to bitch about problems on locations. You

know, my wardrobe sucks.

My trailer's not big enough.

They're housing me in the woods. I try not to take those calls. By the time I

return, they've usually worked it out themselves.

I can't believe she's coming here. She has such beautiful hair.

You're talking like a loser, Aaron.

Having these people here is just all wrong.

Are we clear?

Yes, ma'am.

My girls should not be looking up to her.

They should be looking up to me.

Blanca Champion is coming to White Plains to do research for a movie role.

She's playing a reality TV director who uncovers some big political scandal.

You know, I don't even want to tell you what I saw down in that boiler room.

Doesn't that... Does that sound like a great movie?

I mean this really is an exciting business.

I think we're crew.

Excuse me? I'm Kiera, your camera assistant.

Or at least I think so. Because no one spends that much money on sunglasses

around here.

So I figured you're Jake, right?

Uh, I am.

And I got these for free off my last show. I was worried they were a bit too

fancy for me.

No, you pull them off well.

Finally, a friendly face.

Hey, can I talk you into maybe showing me around this place?

So, did you meet Lee?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's quite a lady.

And I use the term loosely.

Before we go in, I don't mean to cross any lines, but can I show you something?

Yeah, sure.

I'm dying to Google these people.

I don't know if you've tried yet, but it's impossible to get on the Internet

up here.

Tried the dial up like 30 times, only to get knocked off after 10 seconds.

This is the girl that died.

Janie, right?

Yeah. This girl's death was just so violent.

So you started checking into the town's history?

Hoping to find what?

I don't know, but let's just say for a town this small, this place has had its

share of death and drama.

Left behind are Ty Carhart and his two-year-old son Vance, the surviving

twin. Father and son were in a whiskey river picking up supplies when the

accident happened.

This is Carhartt, the hockey coach?

Yep. I mean, this is an awful story, all of it, but I don't really get what it

has to do with this ATV accident.

That's just it.

I don't think this was an accident.

You two have to leave.

Now.

Bucket toss.

Vance, you need to focus.

Yep.

We're not going to beat Eagle Bridge unless you show some hustle, boy.

Maybe we ought to take this practice outside.

Run a few laps.

Then you'll play like men instead of wussies.

I don't want to accuse Vance's dad of having anything to do with these

killings, but I have a weird inkling that there's some connection there

because... It's just bizarre the way he treats his son, and he creeps me out in

a way.

Vance, come on. Come on. Move it, move it. He is so hard on his son. He's

relentless. Makes him call him Coach instead of Dad.

Come on, Coach.

Focus! Kid's not getting much of a morning period, huh?

Come on.

Is that Luke?

Luke!

Jake! I didn't know you were on the show, man. Thank God you were here.

These people are a bunch of freaks. We did a show called Your Town over in

Miami a few years ago. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Hey, so, uh, what are you doing on this

show? I thought you were big time.

What? Come on, man. Anywhere you are is the big time, right? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, so, uh, how's Stacy doing?

Uh, yeah, no, let's, uh, let's not even go there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right.

How's the rest of the crew?

Dude, let me put it to you this way. Our sound guy's a local hire who lives in

his car. We should get going, because Lee's gonna get here, and that woman, we

do not want to piss off, so... All right, man, good to see you. Yeah, see

you in a bit.

How's it going, man?

All right.

Jake, looks like you already met Keir.

This is Daphne, our story producer.

And this is Mike, your sound guy.

Hey, man, have we worked together before?

What?

Hi, Jake.

Hi. I know it's Trey geeky to say, but I love your work. I'm so excited you're on

this project. Back on the Ranch is my favorite show.

Was. Eze, I blogged my brains out on the fan site to bring it back.

Well, thank you. I'm glad you liked it. I did too.

All right, the only one missing is Nick, our PA, but he went to Winnipeg to pick

up Blanca.

She's arriving by helicopter.

Isn't that cool?

Yeah, it's very cool. Look, I was the first one here, so if you want the

backstory on anyone, cast a crew, come to me.

Hi, Daphne. Is she here yet?

Almost.

That's Erin, the head cheerleader. She's very excited to move Longa. Hey, excuse

me for a second, Daphne. Um, Luke, can we go ahead and set up for an interview?

I want to talk to that kid, Vance. Good.

Daphne, can you, um, sit in? We got to get a frame for these confessions. Yeah,

no problem. Good.

Right here.

Good.

I wonder where Miss Falls is.

She's kind of a tyrant with the girls before games.

Best moment of this season.

Um... Okay, yeah, I guess it was, um, looking at the sidelines

when we beat Riverdale and, uh, seeing Janie.

You know, she's just hooting and hollering, you know, and...

Whatever

happened to Janie out there?

Wasn't an accident, okay, and I want people to know

Someone Some monster

did that to her.

I don't know who but I'm gonna find them

What would you say if I told you I saw someone watching me from the woods this

morning in a mask?

I'd say you sounded paranoid, and I am buying you a stiff drink tonight, my

friend.

Blanca? Blanca? Blanca Champion.

Wow. Oh, I'm really excited to meet Blanca Champion.

I'd say we have a pretty unique connection.

I mean, how many guys can say that they've carried all 28 pieces of her

luggage? She's, uh, she's very, uh...

How to say this? I held her hand.

Well, I blocked her hand.

Yeah, she was trying to hit me. It was my fault. I made a mistake. But yeah, I

mean, we're pretty close.

I'd say high maintenance in a really good way.

She's charming. She's funny. She works a room. You know, she's the master at the

grand entrance.

I can't even begin to believe

this.

Scooby. Hi.

Hi. Um, what the hell are you wearing?

I was told to dress sexy.

By who, Seton? You look like Punky Brewster with hypothermia. It's being

handled, right, sweetheart?

Handled! Miss Champion, I am so excited to meet you. I am your biggest fan. You

are a personal hero to me. Do you think you can sign this?

Sure,

sweetie. Um, I know it's none of my business, but... You two were so close.

Why were you fighting?

Because she's a cunt. Okay.

Excuse us for a second. We're just gonna... I'm a big fan, too.

Yeah?

Just a little talk, shall we?

Okay, easy, Scooby. You're turning me on. Yeah, please don't call me Scooby.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Hey, buddy.

Would you mind excusing us for a second?

Hey, sexy.

I like the way those shorts cup your little ass.

It's delicious.

Blanca, do you even remember me? I'm sorry, are we in the boys' locker room?

It stinks in here.

Yeah, no, I know this isn't exactly ideal, but I hear if we make it through

the next few weeks on our best behavior, we're gonna score big bonus points with

the studio.

Ooh, what's best behavior?

Well, it's probably not using the C word in front of small-town cheerleaders. Oh,

God. They're dealing with some heavy shit around here.

Local girl recently got killed in an accident, so the people are pretty shook

up. All right, whatever.

Okay, you know what?

I get it.

Don't worry, Jake. I remember how nice it used to be to me.

People don't really tell me how it is these days, so... And I'm serious about

this movie research stuff, okay?

I'm sick of playing dopey teenagers.

I have to nail this.

We're cool.

All right. Oh, wait.

It's kind of cold in here, so you may want to rethink the whole miniskirt

thing. Fuck off. Okay, nice. Very nice.

Janie Hansen's death.

You know, where I'm from, you get a cut, a scrape, a broken leg is considered an

accident. What happened to her, I don't think that was an accident.

Janie's dad has always scared the hell out of me, to be honest.

Where are we even going anyways?

And I can't believe this is the crew van.

So lame.

It's the only thing we'd all fit in. Besides, it's a low-budget show. The

school let us use this for free. Look, guys, if this is what the kids are

talking about, then this is a story to follow.

Everyone we've talked to has brought out this handsome guy. Jake's right. I mean,

this town's more interested in this girl's death than anything else.

Does anyone know how long this guy's been out of prison?

Less than a month.

It's a big deal around here. I saw a picture of Hanson's dead wife at the

school. Very pretty.

Oh, look at us.

A predator roundup.

Is that what they do for fun here in Cat Piss, North Dakota?

Do I need to remind you that I'm on a 10-hour schedule and I don't do

overtime?

Okay.

Thanks, Mike.

Nice watch, by the way. Hey, dude, why don't you sell that thing so you don't

have to live in your trailer?

I like living in my camper. Is that okay with you?

Whatever.

Nick, do you have any idea where this cabin is? Aaron said we can't miss it.

Should be just off the lake.

Hanson was supposedly devastated, but Carhartt testified that he saw Hanson

and his wife fighting in the school parking lot hours before her death.

That got him sent away and left the coaching job open, which went to

Carhartt.

Henson's lawyer found some evidence that got him released on an appeal, but as

you can imagine, after 10 years in a North Dakota jail, still pretty angry.

Hello?

Coach Hanson?

Is the pretty wife kind of settled?

Hi.

My name is Jake Tanner, and we're in town shooting a show. I know what you're

up to.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Against thee,

the only, have I sinned and done that which is evil in thy sight. This guy is

fucking scary as shit.

I'm just gonna put this microphone on you right here, okay?

Get the hell out of here.

I didn't invite you here. This is private property.

I said get the hell out! Okay.

Okay, okay.

Sorry. Oh, my God! We didn't mean to bother you.

We didn't want any trouble.

What about my microphone?

I'm building production.

That reality TV crew should have been following me around, you know? While

they were out talking to Janie Hansen's crazy dad, I was finding the

cheerleading coach's body all mangled in the woodshop. Now, that would have made

for some great television, you know?

I took some footage with my camera phone, if you guys want to buy it,

though.

I don't give a fuck who she is. Her agent.

Wait a minute. That asshole is your agent too, isn't he? Yeah. Well, he made

me pay her as a PA while she does her research. So guess what that means. She

needs to work like a fucking PA. So this is how it's going to go. As long as she

is on my payroll, remember this.

I want to know when she naps, where she naps, and how long she naps. You're

going to write it down and deduct it from her paycheck.

Got it?

Lee, why don't you give her a break? She traveled all night. That's just great,

Jake. What do you want to do? Give her a fucking bottle and change her diapers

too?

Blanca Champion, all you can think to yourself is, why can't this girl just

get her hands on some decent conditioner?

Just wash it.

I don't get it.

Can you explain it?

I didn't really know what to expect with Lee.

She's a bitch. She's a super bitch, actually.

We're all trying to kind of deal with her because she's our boss.

But, yeah, there's no other word for Lee.

Lee doesn't really get along with anyone who... isn't... Lee.

Mister?

Hey, what's up, buddy? I heard what Vance said to you before.

He's right.

Mike, I think... I think we're good.

Did you do my job?

It wasn't an accident.

Okay, I'm listening.

Ginny used to take me cross-country skiing there all the time.

She knew that place.

I heard something when I was leaving that night.

But I didn't do nothing.

You know what I think?

I think you're one brave little guy for telling me that.

So I'm going to do some asking around.

Cool? Cool.

Come on.

You know, if you want to nap, then the bed in my

camper is a lot more comfortable than here.

I'm fine here fuckface, but thanks.

Lee, you home?

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing?

Yeah, you want to go outside, don't you?

All right.

All right, come on. Get him out of my way.

Shit.

Jesus Christ, he scared the hell out of me.

Don't go digging up shit you don't know nothing about.

I'm sorry, what? You heard me.

It's a small town. We all talk to each other.

I don't care to hear none of the shit Coach Hanson is spinning. He's an ex

-con.

And a murderer.

Are we clear?

Oh, wow. Uh, Jesus. Sorry. Nice timing, douchebag.

Um, we were just gonna go get a beer or whatnot.

You should totally come.

Okay.

I think you've been bad.

I have that extra sense, you know? Like, I can

smell blood a mile away. I knew something was rotten in Bismarck.

Sheriff says she was in there for hours before I found her.

Has anyone told her husband?

I used to downstate on a timber run. I tried them on the CB, but no luck.

Who are you guys talking about?

There was an accident up at the school.

Miss Falls, the cheerleading coach.

It was her digger spirit that finally did her in. She's dead.

Decapitated. Heartbeatless.

I get it.

That's awful.

How often do these accidents happen?

What's that supposed to mean?

A wood shop is a very dangerous place.

These kind of things just happen every so often.

It's a part of life.

Look, uh, what do you say we cut out of here?

Let's go for a midnight swim.

I'd say hell yeah.

I'll get our coats.

No good can come of you staying here.

You have brought evil to our town, the likes of which we've never seen.

Mark my words and leave now.

Consider yourselves warned.

All of you. Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, man.

Jesus.

Guess it's safe to say they don't like us being here. No, I don't think they

do. No, no, no. Don't any of you listen to that crackpot. He's a drunk.

Jealous because he wants to be on TV. He'll get over it. You think so?

Yes. We just need to get our show in the can and move on. To wrap it up, we had

an early morning call.

I guess now isn't a good time to mention they found Miss Falls' body at the

school. There was another accident.

You know what? All this fucking town has is screechy old men with crusty mitts

and perverts.

Man, I've done a lot of shows where they picketed us, like Your Town, Seattle.

They didn't want us there. But this? This place, man. You think they don't

even want an economy?

I mean, they just want to, you know, sit around and, you know, eat elk.

And the ex-coach? He looks like the villain from the Scooby-Doo cartoons.

Weird. Honestly, what I'd like to know is where the fuck my crew was when that

chaloupe was finding her body in the woodshop.

I'm probably asking some little kid about the thrill of victory.

I don't know how often out here women using heavy industrial equipment have

accidents. So I don't know if that's normal or not, but in my book, that's

three shades of weird.

For the last time, I don't know where the damn camera stuff is. It never

arrives. Oh, you just zip your pie hole.

I can't call the network and tell them that $30,000 worth of equipment is MIA.

It is not okay to talk to me like that. I did not sign on for this totally

deceptive job and whatnot.

And why can't you just give the network the show they ordered? It's a totally

better show.

Because no one wants to watch a show about some little hockey team.

They'd much rather watch a show about a bloodthirsty convict out for revenge.

That is why.

Can I ask you something?

What? Did you seduce me because you thought it would keep me quiet?

Because that was a total miscalculation.

Well, I think that you're gonna keep quiet.

You know why?

If you don't, I will cancel your plane ticket home, I will drive you out into

the woods, and I will leave you there.

You wouldn't do that to me.

You can try me.

Yeah, we can continue to play nice or not. The choice is yours, Phoebe.

You're a real coos.

And an awful boss.

As long as these guys play bigger hockey and keep focused on the game, there's

not going to be any stopping them. Look, I only got two hours before the next

game. I got things to do.

Come on.

Hey, is the, uh, is the coach mic'd? I'm having trouble hearing him.

No, he's not mic'd.

We left his out at the crazy guy's shack, remember?

Well, we got to have this guy mic'd before the playoff games.

Well, then I suggest you send somebody out there to get it.

Okay. I'm sending you.

Yeah, I can do that, except is there anybody else here that can wire a PA

system? Anybody else here that can run play-by-play?

It'll take me about an hour and a half, so it's a perfect amount of time for you

to go do it yourself.

Okay, go rig your PA.

Hey, do me a favor.

Let's cut out this whole smug asshole thing, because it's really working my

last nerve, okay?

Nick.

A production assistant on a show like this, um, you're basically like a

busboy's assistant.

Well, does it suck ass?

Mm-hmm.

Am I getting paid nearly enough to do it? No fucking way.

Hmm.

Coach?

I'm really sorry to bother you, but we need to get that microphone back from

earlier today. I thought you might have it in there.

Hello?

Don't be a puss.

Look, Coach, I just really wanted to apologize about earlier today.

Oh, shit.

Fuck. What the fuck?

Blanca's hitting on all the cute little boys in the school and taking them away

from the little cheerleader girls.

These days, it doesn't seem that Erin cares for Blanca too much. I believe she

called her a cocaine-fueled gutter slut.

Also, she needs to stop telling people that I'm overweight.

I thought someone had mistakenly told her that my name was Ella.

Turns out, she's doing it on purpose.

Ella is short for elephant.

Hands off me, chunk.

I weigh 110 pounds.

That's not fat.

I have tried to be as nice as I know how.

That's over.

I'm giving you this warning. Stay away from vans, or I'm going to get my

cousins to go to your cabin and have them hogtie you and weigh you.

Capiche?

You know what?

Screw this. I don't need this bullshit, this fucking method acting.

Listen up, you little pisher.

I don't give a shit if you're losing me. This is important.

It's the first time I've had reception since I've been out here. You tell Seton

if he still wants me as a client, he will get me on the next goddamn plane

out of here, okay?

Do you hear me?

Hello?

Can you hear me now?

Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Thanks a lot, man.

All right, when's Desperate the sound elf coming back? I feel like an idiot.

Blanca. All right, we got five minutes till game time. Is Nick back with that

microphone? He's not, and there's no way to reach him. And Lee said if he doesn't

get here in five, he's fired.

Whoa, that's a little harsh, huh?

And where's Mike?

Mike! I'm right here. The PA system is rigged. All right, good.

Let's get ready to shoot.

Vance's game this season has been nothing short of a phenomenon.

Shot!

Goal!

The state championship is just a bus ride away for the Gold Diggers.

Any sign of Nick?

Nope. That's so weird.

Oh, hey, Coach.

Great game tonight.

Hey, listen, can I ask you a favor?

Favors aren't really my specialty.

That's funny.

Look, I noticed you had a treadmill upstairs in the gym. Would you mind if I

grabbed a quick workout?

You know, I like your dedication, boy.

More people should make fitness a priority.

We're clearing out, so just make sure to lock the doors when you leave.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, excuse me, Coach Stick-Up-Your-Ass. Do you think that I might massage your

penis for a few minutes so that I, too, might get a workout?

Is it hard being such a douchebag all the time?

No.

Well, I actually kind of like it.

Loser.

Go ahead, Luke.

Was the Tahoe ever supposed to be used as a cast car?

Not that I know of. Phoebe handled all the rentals. Why?

Well, it's just I found a lipstick camera rigged in the back seat, and I

didn't put any lipstick cameras on the equipment order, and this is the second

one I found.

I didn't know this show had that kind of surveil. I didn't think so either.

I'll ask. Copy that.

I'm still up here.

Oh, the fuck? Who are you, man?

Oh, fuck!

The cops here are actually pretty laid back about actually, um,

working. The cops in White Plains aren't like the cops you see in the movies.

I mean, they like donuts and all, but they're not really into, like, answering

the phone or investigating.

Try the local bar. It seems to be their headquarters.

Big time Hollywood ho.

Have a lovely day.

I meant to ask, did you guys pre-rig the cars with cameras before we got up here?

Can we please not talk about work for a second? I need a break from this show

and this town. And, um, more liquor?

Hey,

any sign of Greg or Nick?

Nope. I thought they'd be here already.

Yeah.

Hi, sugarpuss. Hi. See me standing here with a mole in my hand?

No? Yes?

Hi. Hello.

How are you?

Any of you lovely ladies want a shot of tequila?

I'd like a shot.

Atta girl.

Looks like Miss Champion found herself another victim.

Okay.

To the superstar hockey player.

Well, to the super hot actress slash model.

Okay. I've been called worse, but whatever.

Mm. So, um, I heard you were kind of close to that girl that died.

Sorry, the cheerleaders were talking, and the microphone picks everything up,

which is something I need to remember next time I bag on the crew.

Yeah, I guess, um... I guess you could say this went from being the best year

of my life to the worst and, you know, a blink.

I'm really sorry.

You know, it gets better.

My dad died when I was 14, and I thought I would never get over it.

I mean, it doesn't go away, but it gets easier.

Promise?

Yeah.

Isn't he a little young for her?

It's still legal if it's a boy. I heard she slept with that PA who sued her, and

then she got tired of him, treated him like garbage, until finally he had

enough. See, that's how rumors get started.

What, you're saying it's not true?

Well, I think the press likes to paint Blanca as the bad girl, and I think

sometimes she feels obligated to live up to those expectations.

Now, Phoebe, you've gone from zero to Tara Reid in 60 seconds.

Um, let's just say this show's all about firsts and lasts and whatnot.

I hate to be a buzzkill, but I'm calling it a night.

All right, do me a favor and just be careful, please.

Okay.

I love, love being on location, but... Well, here's the thing.

I like to smoke a lot of chuddies, and that can make one a little bit paranoid,

so the place is kind of creeping me out, man.

I'm ready for it to be over.

This town gives me the swinging aches.

Hello?

I'm so glad I got through.

Oh, my God. I can't even begin to believe this.

I haven't had reception for days. It's so good to hear your voice.

Finally. I've been training forever.

I was starting to get worried.

How's it going?

I need a margarita and a Palm Springs weekend like you wouldn't believe.

Kathy?

Greg?

You stoned again?

I promise I won't die!

No,

no, no!

What do you mean she didn't come home? She wasn't in her bed when I woke up. I

thought maybe she got lucky.

With who, Blanca? We watched her leave alone.

I can't believe you didn't wake me up when you saw that.

You know what? I thought maybe she hooked up with you. I caught her

checking my ass out a couple times. All right, both of you get off my hump. I

told you as soon as I got up.

Uh, hey, Jake, coach says you have to be on the ice in ten minutes or you won't

feel out on at all.

Sorry.

Where is the rest of your crew? You know, Lee, I'd like to know the same

thing. Something's really wrong here. Luke is never late.

I don't feel so good.

Oh, Phoebe, pull it together.

Fuck you, Lee.

What again?

Jake, you've got about five minutes to get on that ice. We don't have a show

without this game. Well, what do you want me to do, Lee?

Three-quarters of my crew is missing.

Like I told the last guy, you're the director. Figure it out.

Sure thing, bitch.

I'm sorry, what was that?

You know what, Lee? I called you a bitch.

I'm beginning to understand why the first director only lasted a few days.

Yeah. Kira, can you mix audio?

I can try.

Okay, Blanca, I'm gonna need you to hold the boom pole.

Oh, my God. I'm so gonna fucking kill my acting skills.

You do not talk to me that way in front of the crew. You finish out the day.

After that, you're fired.

That's fine, Lee. You know, I've worked with some really difficult people in my

career, but you are a whole other breed. And you know what else?

Nice job sleeping with your assistant. It's very classy.

Hey, by the way, too bad your fiancée wasn't on the show, Jake. I could have

banged her before she moved on to the cast.

You try getting another job with Affiliated.

You're finished.

We need to comb this school and find that missing stuff. You can't hide

monitors that size in a suitcase.

You are the one who will go down for this.

This isn't bewitchingly. I can't just wiggle my nose and make stuff appear and

whatnot. Just try to keep an eye on things here. If you can, I'm going to go

get the rest of the crew.

One of those morons is getting promoted to director.

Oh my God.

Am I being punked? I thought they canceled the show.

Ashton!

We just want to go on record here that a bunch of our crew members are missing.

And Lee wants us to shoot anyway.

But as soon as this is over, we're going to go find them.

Tell your camera guy, I didn't appreciate him leaving the treadmill and

the lights on all night.

I am shocked at you people's disrespect.

No good deed goes unpunished. Huh, Hollywood? Sorry, coach. It's not

usually like them. Ah.

The bus leaves tomorrow morning at 5.30 a.m. for Fargo.

It waits for no one.

Vance, come on. Let's go.

Blanca, help Kira grab some of this stuff.

Why?

Would you just help us pack up the stuff, please?

Jeez, bitch.

Let me say, I'm difficult.

Phoebe, we wait for you?

Oh, I gotta get the releases for tomorrow's game and stop by the mini

-mart. I'll meet you guys back at the crew cabin, okay?

Be careful.

Luke! Nick!

Hello, you guys!

Hello!

Oh, Thong's dead. Shocking.

Doesn't look like Luke slept in his bed last night. No, and you're right,

because Daphne's bed hasn't been slept in. It doesn't make any sense. Where the

hell's her truck?

Oh, my God. Don't touch it!

Is that Mike's watch?

Oh, my God, what is it holding?

It's the fucking microphone that we lost at the cabin. He must have went back to

go get it. Nothing, nothing.

Oh, my God, that fucking sick coach must have cut his hand off. We gotta call the

cops! Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, calm down, calm down.

Check your phones. Do you have any signal?

Kira, check your phone. Blanca.

Blanca, check your phone.

No signal, nothing. I have nothing.

Mask, who is this?

Who cares? Somebody is out there who thinks it's okay to chop people's hands

off.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

That's Daphne.

What? I know that sign.

That's out by Coach Hanson's cabin.

We gotta get out there.

Guys, we gotta go. He could still be alive. Come on.

Come on!

I can't even begin to believe this.

Hey,

why are we stopping here? Okay, listen, I'm gonna go check out the site. I need

you guys to stay here and try to get in touch with the cops, okay? I saw an old

CB radio in the principal's office. Tell them to meet me by the Predator roundup

sign by Hanson's cabin.

Okay, so you're just gonna go hang with the fucking killer? Look, we gotta get

back on the highway and keep driving. I need to break this to you guys, but that

girl is probably dead.

And what if she's not, Blanca? What if Nick and Luke and Greg need our help,

too? How are we even gonna get in there? Here, take these. They gave them to me.

Jake, I'm going with you. Wait, wait, wait. I'm not going in there by myself.

Well, all right, fine. You're coming with us, then. Well, both of those

choices suck!

Well, Blanca, please pick one.

I'll stay here, but I'm taking your dogs. You have to come back for me. We

are going to come back for you. Just go find that CB radio and get us some help.

And hey, hey, take this.

I haven't shit for weeks.

Anyone here?

Coach?

Who's back there?

Is that you, Phoebe?

Is that thing still up there, that thing in the mask?

What mask? Are you on drugs?

We've got to get out of here.

Run! Run! Just calm down.

Run! Just a sec.

Get in the car. Get in the car. Get in the car.

Get in.

This better not be some kind of hijinks for this television show.

There was a guy in there in a mask with an axe, and he tried to kill me. Kill

you?

You're talking like some kind of crazy...

Hello?

Hello? Is anybody there? This is an emergency.

you barking at?

The fuck is that?

What?

Shit!

You're gonna be a little dismayed.

Bongo! Where are you going?

Bongo!

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna get help.

I promise I'm gonna get help. I'll be right back, okay?

I promise you. I promise I'll be right back, okay?

What have you been down here for? I snuck in when that mean lady came down

here, and then it came in. What do you mean, it came in? It who?

He's been watching you through those cameras.

He's been watching that.

You saw him do this to her?

Okay, we're gonna go. Come on, I'm gonna get us out of here. Let's go. This way

is the quickest.

Oh my god.

All right, we gotta go. Come on.

Okay, okay, come here.

Listen to me. I want you to stay right here. I'm gonna get us out of here. I

have to get these keys. I promise I'll come right back.

Okay?

Shit.

Little boy, come here.

Blanca! Listen to me. I'm stuck. Listen. I need you to run. Just start running as

fast as you can until you find somebody that you trust, okay? And tell them we

need help. Tell them that Jake and Kira are at Coach Hanson's cabin and they

need help. I promise.

I will find you, just go! Go!

Blanca? Blanca?

Thank you.

I can explain.

Stop,

stop, stop.

Just listen to me. If you'll just listen to me, you'll love me as much as I love

you. Don't you realize that I've done this all for us? For you?

If those other people would have found out, they would have stopped it. I'm the

only one them really cares about you. Do you care about the people in the video?

They were going to tell.

That girl in your cheerleading coach, they found my room.

You can understand, right? I already started. I couldn't stop.

Fucking hands off her.

I went through all the trouble to make this fucking show for you. You're gonna

watch it with me.

I've already seen it.

It's a piece of shit!

You said you wanted the opportunity to be taken seriously as an actor, and I

give you that opportunity!

Because believe me, people are gonna take you seriously now. Cause you should

see your face.

You look really fucking scared.

Hey.

How you feeling?

Oh, this has pretty much been the worst job I've ever had.

How's your leg?

It hurts, but I'll be fine.

Vance and Connor found me.

Got Blanca to thank for that.

How is she holding up?

As well as could be expected.

Imagine what the press is going to do with this thing.

And what about Mike?

Mike's description matches a police report of a recently escaped mental

patient. So, who knows what to believe.

Is it worth it?

What?

Being so famous.

I'll get back to you on that one.

Authorities say a grisly series of murders took place, all in an effort to

impress Hollywood starlet Blanca Champion.

Champion's involvement with, of all things, a reality television group.

Hold on a sec.

Wait, what is that?

It's a bold profess.

What do I think of what actually happened in White Plains? My God, I

thought it was tragic. It was just tragic.

And on the other hand, it was some of my client's best work.

What are you going to do? What can you do?

We did send flowers.

Not just Blanca. We sent them to families of the dead people, too.

You know, I always knew that sound guy was creepy.

I mean...

it doesn't take that much time took a microphone to a bra strap i was trying

to be professional but there's a limit mike i don't quite understand why he's

so obsessed with blanca champion to be completely honest with you um but no i

mean hey listen uh i think he should have just written a letter i think that

would have been i think that would have been fine i think that would have sort

of gotten the point across if you're asking me it was tough love but it was

love After the killing spree, a local station in Minnesota offered me a spot

co-hosting their morning show.

I also received an offer from the Christian Teen Network, but my agent,

Seton, thought that was, you know, just embarrassing.

Seton thinks Jesus is overrated.

I'd like people to know that the reason Blanca threw that hot latte at my crotch

was because she caught me setting up a camcorder to record our next little bone

fest.

She wasn't too happy about that.

From what the cops told me Mike escaped the mental institution by swiping some

sort of pills that once taken Diminish your vital signs to a point where

they're almost undetectable and I guess he used the same trick This time around

and he had like a bulletproof vest.

I mean this guy is was like seriously knew what he was doing covered all his

bases I Went right over my head. I had no idea Mike the sound guy

is a pain in the ass Do I think Blanca was surprised when she won the Emmy? I

think she was totally surprised, yeah. Absolutely. I wasn't. Fuck no. God, I

saw the dailies and the network knew it. I mean, she hit it out of the park.

And thank God that crazy sound guy left the security cameras rolling because

that Emmy really drove her per quote. I mean, I'm getting five million bucks for

her to do a hush-hush too.

Vance, I don't know, I'm really glad, but for some reason has some sort of

a... bottle opener slash bear trap opener on his keychain uh i've been

opening bear traps since i was a kid so it really wasn't that big of a deal did

i did i get the message uh from jake about finding the hand in the

refrigerator yeah well i was uh trying to listen to it but i was getting on a

plane at lex and hillary clinton and the secret service had taken over the

lieutenant's club so i was out with the masses and it's just ear splitting in

that terminal i don't know how you people do it affiliated

uh has hired me to direct uh hush hush part two which we all know is uh blanca

champion's next film what's next for me is uh i'm actually playing the character

of jake in the film version of the white plains massacre it was blanca's idea and

my lawyers i'm fairly certain that blanca chick wants me i'm beginning to

think this workout wasn't such a bright idea when jake asked me to uh go to

coach hansen's house in the middle of the night i think My first reaction was

I think I threw up a little in the back of my mouth.

Okay, can we wrap this thing up? Because I've got to take Montana Moorhead to the

Daisy Awards tonight, and I never keep a client waiting, so...

When you're trying hard to capture a little bit of

immortality.