Original subtitles

First playoff game of the season and...

...what's that?

That's Joanne opening a beer before the game.

That is the taste of knowing

you got the game in the bag.

We are playing the Real Housewives of Mississauga.

And um, yeah, they're a Brovaries favourite.

Uh... yeah, you're gonna see why.

They're just like the ladies on that TV show.

Who doesn't love a MILF?

Hi, Kim! You look gorgeous, as always.

I'm the queen bee of Mississauga.

I run the hive.

We love you, Kim!

Of course you do.

But I will sting when the fakes comes buzzing.

They always let us win.

Uh, they love us 'cause to them, we're basically boys,

so we get to skirt the whole female competition thing.

Plus, we've got this, like, confusing appeal

'cause of the gay thing.

They love flirting with us!

So, I told the team, lean way in today.

Eat you up.

God, I'm getting good at this coaching thing.

Look at that. Look at that!

Since when do you bring us gifts?

I always bring you gifts. I brought you

those buttons last week.

Yeah, but then you told us

to hand them out at our poor people jobs, or else.

There she is.

Kim!

- Oh, my God. - Hi.

My girly! Hey!

What is up? What is up?

This is so great.

I was uh, reading your newsletter the other day

and I heard that lashes are back in.

Which is so funny because uh,

I always say that eyelashes

are the windshield wipers to the soul.

We're in the middle of a game.

Oh, of course! No, I know, 'cause I sponsor

the te-- team.

Seriously?

We love Barb!

Uh, uh... Mel, can you...

So, uh, question, is anybody thirsty?

- Me! - No.

So, anybody?

Anybody. Don't be shy.

Anybody?

I know you love a luxurious white, Kimmy.

Which makes sense because you are a luxurious white.

Did she say that?

Guys, did Barb sleep with one of their pool boys or something?

Let's play ball!

In Mississauga, there's a pecking order.

If you cross Kim Callaway, you'd better look out

because she is not one to be played with.

Trust me.

Your team is going down, Barberetti.

You look great!

- Stupid bitch. - Like tight.

Yeah!

Yes, Bita, great run!

Boris!

Yes!

Why are they trying to kick our asses all of a sudden?

This was supposed to be our cakewalk game.

Something's up. Weird rich lady stuff.

Gotta turn this around. - Yeah.

Go, B!

Nice, Zari.

Barb, you okay? Your energy's kinda off.

Yeah, sure. Um, no look, listen the-the-the

campaign train is pulling into the station, okay?

And I have been greasing Kim Callaway's wheels because

I need to get a ticket to her charity gala tomorrow.

What's so special about the gala?

I need to go to the gala so that I can impress her,

so that she can then endorse me in her stupid newsletter,

"The Missus Saga". It's dumb.

Nobody gets onto city council without her approval.

So, I'm a little, you know...

Kim Callaway is secret Mississauga power cabal?

Yeah, and unfortunately, she frickin' hates me.

Nice wine, Try Hard Barb!

Maybe you should get your team

to try a little harder, Barb!

Why are they calling you "Try Hard Barb"?

Me? I don't know.

Uh, maybe 'cause you brought seven different

kinds of wine glasses to a baseball diamond?

No, it's-- listen. Come here. It's not that. It's...

I know why they hate me, okay? And I get it.

I once stole a very important man from Kim.

- What? - Yes. Okay?

I was throwing an event and I was, like, desperate for him.

I-I-I needed him.

You stole her husband?

Husband? God! Gross. Rich? No. He's disgusting.

He's an idiot, too. No, her caterer.

And now I'm paying the price.

We got this. You got it, you got it.

Hey.

Tate.

We uh, met in the line at Bang Bang Ice Cream.

We had a little bang bang, and then you screamed.

Yeah, I sneeze when I come.

- Tate. Tate! Right. - Yeah.

Yeah, that's uh... ahem, uh, whatcha doin' here?

Never miss one of mamacita's playoff games.

Oh, mamacita. Oh.

Mommy!

Hi, darling!

Hi!

Uh, K-Kim? Kim's your mom?

Yeah, I'm a mama's boy.

Anyways, I thought I'd pop by

'cause I wanted to ask you something very important.

Very important?

Oh, my--

Will you go to my mom's gala with me?

Oh, my God. Tate, get up. Get up. Get up!

Uh, that's so- so nice of you. That's really sweet.

Ahem, I think it was a one-time thing, though.

And- and maybe it's best if- if we don't say anything

to your mom about-- about what happened.

'Cause uh, keep it special for us.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, I got- I gotta go. Uh...

Ann! I'm coming!

Let's go! You have a marijuana problem.

Yeah, it's a problem. I got a problem.

Barb? She got kicked out of the nest. I mean--

Uh... sorry, could you just-- you're in my... interview.

Uh, Barb's acting very weird. Even for Barb.

Apparently the Housewives hate her.

And uh, yeah, I don't know.

We need this win but Barb's feeling like a liability. So...

If you wanna go there it's fine. Just zoom in.

I know how to fix this.

Team. Team.

Real Housewives usually let us win,

but today, they are rage playing us, okay?

So, we gotta go "bro mode" or the playoffs are done-zo.

And by "bro mode" you mean?

I'm so glad you asked. Sasha, playlist.

Ann, shotgun. Mel, flirting.

- Yes! - Boris, punch.

On it. Bro mode on three.

One, two, three! Bro mode!

Come on, bros!

- Yeah! - Woo!

Yeah!

Come on, Kim, we know you love this song!

Ladies, who wants some of Boris's homemade fruit punch?

Go Kimmy, it's your birthday.

Don't get used to this, Joanne.

Hands up if you want some?

Okay!

Go, Bita! Go, Bita! Go, Bita!

Oh, no! Ladies...

he got me!

Ancient recipe. Stomped on the melons myself.

Shake it, ladies!

Go, Joanne. Go, Joanne.

Bases loaded, Brovaries! Look alive!

Kim! Hey, Kim!

If you like it then you better put a swing on it.

Barb, pipe down. I need

all the concentration I can get with this

knockout in front of me.

Don't you go easy on me, Joanne.

And Ann...

I think this one is coming to you,

you little minx. - Mmm!

Keep your eyes on her, ladies. She's a live one.

Yeah!!

- Great game. - Oh!

Ladies! - Bring it in.

Great game.

Okay...

Boo! Boo! Boo!

The Housewives were totally robbed. Redo!

I basically own them so I can say whatever I want.

Barb, simmer down.

Barb, aren't you exhausted?

Always trying so hard.

Where'd you get your lashes done, Barb?

Need to know where not to go.

If Barb was a movie, it'd be called

Try Hard starring Bruce Willis.

- I see dead people. - Different movie.

You listen to me. Neither you, nor your wine, are chill.

And we won't be seeing either of them at my gala tomorrow.

I am chill. I am... the chill.

Dump it, girls.

No, no, no, no!

That is good wine!

- Oh! - So wasteful!

Let's go.

Was fun ladies.

I'm... Yeah.

Cheers.

You've got a lot to learn, Barb.

Semi-finals, motherfuckers!

You guys... - What's up?

Come here. You guys, come.

Come.

Hey, Barb. - Hey.

Well, I'm just a lost cause try hard.

I might as well kiss the gala goodbye

and just quit the race altogether.

Hey, quitting's stupid.

I don't get it!

Y-y-you guys charmed them into letting you win.

And-and-and I don't understand.

Why don't they like me? Why-why do they like you?

'Cause we're their bros.

Bros before hoes. - That's right.

There's actually nothing wrong with being a hoe.

The patriarchy once-- Okay, Zari, not now.

Okay, listen, you want the Housewives to like you?

You gotta loosen up.

You gotta embrace your inner Brovarie.

If they don't think about you as competition,

they're gonna let you win.

I don't wanna be some loosey-goosey bro.

I don't want my life peaking in the middle.

I wanna be on top. - Hey, me too!

Hey-ho!

What?

So, I'm just supposed to start using natural deodorant

and drink piss beer like you?

- Yeah. - Fuck yeah.

- Yeah. - Ugggh!

Well, okay, if you think coaching me into

being a weird... slob will help,

I guess I could try it.

It would be an honour.

We're gonna Queer Eye ya. - Yeah!

Yes! That'd be so fun.

First order of bro-ness,

we need to get you a ticket to that gala.

Yes.

Ann... I think you might have a connection there.

No. No, I don't.

You sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

You missed the ball like, three times.

Okay, shut up, dude.

Hey, Tate. Ahem...

hi. I uh... - Here.

Oh.

That's so... so um...

listen, can you do something for me?

Yes! Anything, my Khaleesi.

Um... about that gala invitation...

So, Ann and I managed to get Barb a ticket to the gala.

Uh, but Ann has to go now, too.

Which I hate you for. This is called

working the angles.

It is a key to good coaching.

So, you just gotta work outside your field of expertise,

which is how I wrangled a nice two-for-one with Kim's son.

You? That was me! I did that.

Who coached you? I hate it!

Come on, Barb! Let's see!

Let's see.

Wow!

Yes!

Looks amazing!

No, this feels wrong. And-and I smell like popcorn.

That's the suit that I wore

to my nephew's short film premiere.

VIP Cineplex. Fancy.

Oh, my God. Kim Callaway's never gonna endorse me

if I look like a lesb-- if I... look fluid.

Look, look, you gotta trust us.

Didn't you see what happened when we

turned on the bro charm? - Mm-hmm.

Housewives were putty in our hands.

All right, can I at least have my lashes back?

I feel naked without them.

No, there's a centipede trying to fuck them in the sink.

My tits, they're just, you know, so far apart.

My shoes, I'm so low to the ground

like I'm from Munchkin Land, like you.

What does that even mean?

I'll get that.

Okay, working another angle here.

How do you build an outfit?

Okay, well, usually I find the highest heels I can,

I put those on.

Then I grab a skirt and um,

make sure that it hugs my moneymaker, which is my ass,

because it's tight.

And then I put on a power top. I love a power top.

Me too.

Got it. Um...

is that you?

It doesn't matter if it's me or not.

It's whatever version of me Kim Callaway approves of,

so that that bitch can start opening some doors.

Well, guess what?

Brovaries are in the business of kicking down doors.

Hence the shoes. - Okay, so...

- What's inside? - A little special arrival.

Yeah, let's see.

- I'll do the honours. - Me too.

Okay. Oh...

Ooh!

Oh, my God!

"Can't wait to see this on you. And then on my floor. Tate."

Tate?

Sexy!

Tate Callaway, Kim's son?

- Yeah. - He's 19.

- What?! - Yeah.

You didn't like, actually sleep with that kid, did you?

Two weeks ago I was on a booze cruise

and I had sex with Kim Callaway.

And then, couple days later,

I... hooked up with a young man named Tate.

Mommy and son? Is that even legal?

Okay, it didn't happen at the same time.

Do they both sneeze when they come?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, kids.

Adults. Adults.

Nineteen is legal, though.

- Cigarette? - Yeah, that's right.

Your suit, it's uh...

it's doing things to me.

Boris, I got-- I have to focus on bro mode tonight, all right?

You're a walking distraction. - How 'bout one cheeky puff?

No, go home. Seriously.

Go to your house! - Okay, yes, I'm going.

Have fun. - Thank you.

Hot. Weird.

Okay. Ta-da!

Okay, here we go. Oh, my God!

No, no, no. - What?

No. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's all this?

- You look so beautiful! - No, I'm sorry.

No, it's too hot. Kim and Tate,

they're gonna be all over me.

Oh, no you gotta, you gotta ugg me up.

Glow me down. Jesus Chr--

I don't know about th-- I-- no.

Joanne, I'm not coming. I can't do this.

No time to ugg you up. Get in the car.

Okay. Oh, my God, I'm so hot.

Where are my shoes?

All right, get in here.

- Yeah. - Game plan.

I'm sorry, Ann, can I just say you look absolutely incredible?

Ugh, I know, right? God!

I hate to admit it, but the kid's got-- the man--

Tate-- Tate's got good taste.

- I don't see it. - Sorry. Game plan.

- Yep. - Barb, you're gonna roll up.

Gonna work the room, shake hands

like you mean it. - Yeah.

And you're gonna lock down that selfie with Kim.

- Yep. - What uh,

what's the topic? What's the opener?

Okay. I'm thinking diamonds. Uh, menopause.

No, no, no, no, no! Think bro mode.

- Right, bro mode. - Impersonations.

Close-up magic. Oh!

Who's funny?

Uh, well Joanne-- oh yeah, this is good.

Wait for this. - Book of party jokes.

- Oh, yeah. - Okay.

Got me through many a high school dance. It's good.

Now remember, you wanna be unforgettable.

Give them a show they'll never forget.

Okay. I can do this.

You can!

I'm gonna be right behind you every step of the way.

Uh, no. No, you stay in the car.

I can't have anymore distractions tonight.

Yoo-hoo!! Barbie!! Hey, hey! Look! I got a job!

We are not done Queer Eye-ing you yet, missy!

Boris.

Joanne's Karamo, I'm Antoni from the kitchen,

and Ann is Chandler.

- Chandler? - From Friends.

- Oh, yeah. - Well, well, well...

looks like you Try Hard Barb'd your way in after all.

Barb, your outfit is so... brave.

Do I smell popcorn?

I can't do this. I can't.

Do you want me to cyberbully them?

I'm gonna go put something in the pie.

Ladies, I've got pie!

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Barb Barberetti.

Running for city councillor. A lot of people describe me

as a really funny, small bitch,

which I think wow,

that's the type of person I would want to lead.

Uh, do you guys know if you've seen a girl?

She's- she's this tall, very beautiful.

Wearing a dress kinda looks like that colour.

I tell ya though,

I don't wanna make you feel weird, but normally

I wear a way better bra.

Nope. No, no, no, no.

What if Barb's drowning in there? Huh?

I know Barb is mean and-and condescending,

and-and hiding herself under layers

of misogyny and capitalism,

but goddamn it, she is a Brovarie.

And she has worked damn hard,

and she deserves to be on city council.

Ah, I gotta get in there.

My body is craving that sweet, sweet chaos management,

you know?

Hey! What size are you?

Shit.

Fuck.

Oh! Thank God I've found you. Yes.

Oh, okay, well I've successfully avoided

both mother and child so far. - Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna stay here with you though 'cause

if Kim finds out that I had sex with her teenage son,

she's gonna send me straight to jail.

Oh! Did I ever tell you that I almost went to jail once

because you are only allowed to have

four pet rats in Canada? - That sounds reasonable.

- So stupid. - Well, eh.

Do you want one of these spring rolls?

I've been working on them for an hour.

No, thank you. I'm a little nauseous.

Actually, I have a question for you.

Oh, yes, Annie! A little bonding moment.

Let's have it! - Yeah, listen.

Do you think I'm a sex addict?

Um... well, uh, how many times a week would you say

you're having sex? Like, zero to three times,

three to five times, or more like ten times?

Uh, it depends on the week.

Okay. Do you find yourself having sex mostly socially

with others, or is it, a lot of time, is it alone?

Yeah, with others. Definitely.

That's good. And um,

do you need sex to get out of bed in the morning?

No. Wait...

where did you get these questions from?

On the back of this beer can. I just swapped sex for beer.

It also says "19+. Drink responsibly."

And "Enjoy with water." - Okay. Mm-hmm.

- That's applicable. - Well...

To the sex addiction stuff.

Oh, hello. Ha, ha!

You're a knockout!

I knew it! That dress fits you like a sock.

How come no one ever says that? Socks fit really well.

Yeah. Yeah, how did you know my size?

- I have a photographic memory. - Mm-hmm.

Hmm, you're--

So, do you wanna make the rounds?

Maybe we can make my mom's newsletter

as this month's Mr. and Mrs. Sauga.

Wow, what-what an idea.

And I-I think I'll um-- I'll meet you out there.

You fancy a drink? I can order those. 'Cause I turned 19.

- Nineteen. - Nice work.

Yeah, that's right! That's-- I'll...

I'll have whatever you're having.

Two buttery nipples coming right up. M'lady.

Oh, nice. Yeah, she's been talking about you all night.

I know, she's really looking forward

to after the gala, you know.

Shut up!

Oh! Joanne!

I snuck in.

You're supposed to be waiting in the car!

- But I-- - No, Joanne,

I am the kitchen Queer Eye.

My domain. You're not allowed to be here.

No, I can't help myself, guys.

I'm jonesing for a coaching.

Do you need coaching to get out of bed in the morning?

- What? - Boris. Nothing.

- How's Barb doing? - Oh, my God.

She's doing so good, Joanne. She's-- yeah, she's jingling,

she's mingling, you know. Kissing hands,

shaking babies. I think maybe

people's princess. - Yeah! I gotta say,

I think she's really killin' it out there.

- Really? - Oh, big time.

Coaching you guys is in my bones!

I'm gonna get out there. I'm gonna see my girl in action.

I wanna see her do Niagara Falls!

Um, no.

Joanne, actually I think you should stay--

She's gonna fuck this up.

I don't sponsor marathons.

'Cause they always take the money and run.

Who knew you were so funny?

I knew. Oh, shut up, Bita.

You know, I should introduce you to my spinning instructor.

Oh, spinning! Yeah.

I'm pretty good at spinning around in an office chair,

if you know I mean.

Hey, hey, I said no filming.

Get outta here. Put it down. Put it away.

Spin class.

It's making me thirsty just talking about it.

Hey uh, get me a water, sir.

- Barb. Barb. - Oh. Oh.

It's Joanne.

Yeah, hey.

Pièce de resistance.

- What? - The book.

It's time for Niagara Falls.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Showtime.

Ahem.

Hey, uh, does anybody want to see my Niagara Falls impression?

I do!

You're all aboard the Maid of the Mist!

Yeah!

Woohoo!

Ah.

Get... out!

Get out!

Terrible advice, Joanne! Niagara Falls impression?!

See, this is what I get for listening to you idiots!!

Barb, um, come and have a small pie.

- This is bad. - I think you would enjoy it.

It's got a little crispy finish, rosemary.

- Niagara Falls? - Shit.

Yeah, it-- come on, Ann!

- That's advanced! - That's my move!

Listen, you don't have to pretend

to be like the Brovaries.

The Housewives don't like us

because we go bro mode,

they like us because we are real.

You just have to be you.

And what are you?

I'm Barb Barberetti, and I'm a bitch.

Barb!!

- Um... - Where is she?

Not only are you not getting in my newsletter,

but I'm gonna make sure that you lose

your stupid campaign so badly

that you're gonna wanna move to Ottawa!

All right. Listen up, you wine o'clock crazy-eyed,

new money freak.

I am sorry about the chef thing.

And I am sorry that I sprayed you with champagne.

- Hmm! - Okay?

But I also know that ya fucked Ann!

You told her?

Having sex outside of marriage is very bad!

So, here's what's gonna happen.

We are gonna take the picture

and you will endorse me in your stinking newsletter,

my whole campaign, on the home page.

- And if I don't? - Oh, I'll tell your husband,

that's right, you had filthy booze cruise sex

with a hobbitty bartender who smelled bad. Shitty Ann.

- Okay. - Take the photo, Ann!!

Oh, okay. Yeah, I got it.

You booze cruise screwed my mommy?

- Uh... - What was that, Tater Tot?

Two weeks ago, Ann was having sex with me.

What? You were having sex with me two weeks ago.

What? You were having sex with us at the same time?

What you were in a threesome with our son?

- That's bad. - Tell him, Kim!

He deserves to know.

Not now, Bita.

He's not your son.

I told you that in confidence!

I can't believe you. Ann!

You're dead to me!

- Are you the dad? - No!

Barb unlocked her inner Barb

in a way that I never could have coaxed out of her.

Almost like she coached me to be a better coach.

Well, anyway, we are proud of our girl.

She sealed the deal!

Oh, wow! - Looking good!

I can't lie, you guys do look kinda cute together.

Oh, you know, I can't believe

his mom is endorsing you guys as a couple.

I can't believe she's endorsing Barb.

Wow!

Okay, so who would you rather, Tate or Kim?

Don't ask me that.

Come on! Come on, gun to your head!