Original subtitles

(Digital Whooshing)

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

(Droning)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

(Happy Western Music)

(Happy Western Music)

♪ How much did it cost ♪

♪ To look the other way ♪

♪ All your highfalutin lord ♪

♪ And you’ll pay, pay, pay ♪

♪ Do you know what you’ve done ♪

♪ Lord you better pray, pray, pray ♪

♪ That hill you’re standing on ♪

♪ Will be a valley someday ♪

(Crow Cawing)

♪ I don’t know what it’s worth ♪

♪ To be a money man ♪

♪ To have the whole world offered to me ♪

♪ On a silver plate in hand ♪

♪ To turn your head while evil reigns ♪

♪ Looks easy for you ♪

♪ When you walk in the valley ♪

♪ It ain’t easy to do ♪

♪ How much did it cost ♪

♪ To look the other way ♪

(Crow Cawing)

♪ All your highfalutin lord ♪

♪ And you’ll pay, pay, pay ♪

(Happy Western Music)

(Happy Western Music)

♪ Oh if I had the money ♪

♪ I make sure that it’s spent ♪

♪ Fuel the fire burning ♪

♪ In the heart of the two percent ♪

♪ There’s be a cure for cancer ♪

♪ There’s be a cure for AIDS ♪

♪ I’d make politicians pay ♪

♪ Lie in the bed they make ♪

♪ I said, how much did it cost ♪

♪ To look the other way ♪

♪ All your highfalutin lord ♪

♪ And you’ll pay, pay, pay ♪

♪ Do you know what you’ve done ♪

♪ Lord you better pray, pray, pray ♪

♪ ‘Cause that hill you’re standing on ♪

♪ Will be a valley someday ♪

(Happy Western Music)

(Happy Western Music)

♪ How much did it cost... ♪

Henry: Good morning, McConadilla.

Oh. You-you got tangled there, bud.

Let me get that for ya.

♪ Will be a valley someday ♪

♪ How much did it cost... ♪

♪ ‘Cause that hill you’re standing on ♪

♪ Will be a valley some... ♪

♪ Be a valley someday ♪

(Bones Crack)

(Happy Western Music)

(Happy Western Music Fades)

Henry: Dude, 27 views.

It's a new record.

(Mysterious Music)

(Indistinct TV Happy Exclaims)

Henry (Recording): He-he. Dumbass.

(Indistinct TV Explosions)

TV Voice: You said that! You said that!

Henry (Recording): Don't point your finger at me, bud.

Dang, I think that talkin' coconut's up to no good, y'all.

TV Voice: You can talk! I got a talking plant.

Henry (Recording): Nah, dude, what you got here

is a dude under a table actin' a dang fool.

TV Voice: Boy I never been to college...

(Grass Cutter Rumbling) I ain’t been around much

(Grass Cutter Rumbling) but I be willing to bet

(Grass Cutter Rumbling) there’s no such thing...

I'll be willin' to bet you ain't these thumbs, mister.

I'mma keep 'em safe and sound, right here in my pocket. For...

For, for fuck's sake! The hell is going on?

(Grass Cutter Rumbling)

(Mysterious Music)

Henry: Hello?

(Boris Indistinct Singing)

Henry: Can you really not hear me?

(Awkward Piano Music)

Hey, you... Oh! Hey.

-I'm just messin' with you, man. -Hi.

I live right there. So I was just

-wondering how much longer you. Ivan: Hey, where is the charger?

-The what? -The charger.

Excuse me?

Give me a second, pal.

The charger.

Oh it's...

Wherever you put it!

Ivan: Ehh...

This guy's an idiot. He's a fucking moron.

He puts the charger somewhere, he rolls the charger,

he lays it down.

I don't know where he puts the charger.

How am I supposed to know where he puts the charger?

Anyway, good talk. We will go back to work.

No, wait. See, you're making a lot of noise.

(Grass Cutter Rumbling)

(Laughs)

-Noise. -Right.

-You don't want the noise? -Exactly.

Oh... Put it on silent.

Perfect.

(Grass Cutter Rumbling)

Silent!

Henry: I'm telling you to stop!

(Grass Cutter Rumbling) (Curious Piano Music Plays)

You're telling us to what?

Well, I'm not telling you, I'm really asking you.

See, I'm filming a TV show, you know?

-Ohh... -It's a web show, really.

He's in the Valley and he's filming TV show.

It's actually a web show.

I have 25 subscribers. Well, he does.

(Ivan and Boris Chuckle)

Ivan: Is that a rat?

No. No, no, no. It has shell.

I think it's turtle.

It's an armadillo, but close.

Funny, you say that.

They're the only mammals that have shells.

It's pretty cool.

-No. -Yeah.

No, it's turtle.

That's ridiculous. Turtles are reptiles.

(Birds Chirping)

Are you giving me shit?

No, sorry. I'm sorry. No.

(Ominous Music)

Oh! Hey!

(Grunts and Screaming)

You know, I think he dresses like bunny and fucks this.

Ivan: Hey! -No!

(Grunts) (Dramatic Stinger)

(Grass Cutter Rumbles)

No!

(Dramatic Stinger)

Henry: It's gonna be okay, bud.

(Sad Music)

(Skin Rubbing) (Water Running)

(Sad Music)

(Fabric Rustle)

(Sad Music)

Henry: And now for another movie review...

from your favorite dilla, McCona...

(Groovy Drum Music)

(Indistinct Female Voice Singing)

(Indistinct Female Voice Singing)

(Phone Rings)

(Phone Rings)

Hello. Or should I say "Ello?"

Labyrinth Shirt: I'm sorry. What was that?

When you hired me, you had this that said "Labyrinth."

There's an eighties movie called

Labyrinth with a British worm. He's like, "'Ello!"

Labyrinth Shirt: Uhh... Four years ago?

What can I do for ya?

Labyrinth Shirt: Look up work order number 7-6-5-1-3.

Yeah, I don't remember that one.

Labyrinth Shirt: It's the one you let Hendricks

talk you into doing for him.

The one that subsequently got delivered

to the client, completely unstable.

Henry, you need to think about your commitment to this company.

Food for thought. Gotta go.

Labyrinth Shirt: Henry, this is serious.

They know you're slacking off an their time on that puppet shit.

So, the other guys are taking advantage.

You know, working from home is a privilege

not an excuse to play with your toys.

All right, all right. (Phone Buzzing)

Labyrinth Shirt: I need you to go over to the portal

and look up the most recent...

(Groovy Drum Music Swells)

♪ Can I get a shoutout! ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ For all the angels ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Down in SD we keep it lax ♪

(Indistinct Singing) (Beeping)

Hey, babe.

Melissa: Don't bother. I'm coming in now.

Shit.

Hey, babe.

Just give me a second. Just give me a second.

Melissa: Look, you know that whole engagement thing

that had you so freaked out a couple of weeks ago?

(Groovy Drum Music)

Well, you're off the hook.

I'm gonna move to Seattle and live with my parents.

Long story short, Henry, I'm gonna grow up.

By movin' in with your parents?

I don't understand.

I'm moving to Seattle, Henry.

- But we live here. - No, we don't.

Now, you no longer have a girlfriend to ignore.

You're free to choose your fantasies over actual life,

like every other cliché man-child.

Well, what about all your stuff?

Your new ottoman and the robe I just got you?

I have everything I need.

Henry: What about your toothbrush?

Melissa: I'll get another.

(Groovy Drum Music)

(Groovy Drum Music Stops) (Crickets Chirping)

(Fire Crackling)

(Dramatic Ominous Music)

(Glass Cracks)

(Dramatic Ominous Music)

(Dramatic Ominous Music)

(Grunt)

(Dramatic Ominous Music)

It's just you and me now, bud.

(Dramatic Ominous Music)

Wish I was more like you.

Not give a fu-(Yawns)

(Crickets Chirping)

(Dramatic Ominous Music Stops)

(Crickets Chirping)

(Dramatic Whoosh)

Boris (VO): I think he dresses like bunny and fucks this.

Labyrinth Shirt (VO): They know you're slacking off

and spending their time on that puppet shit.

So, the other guys are taking advantage.

Melissa (VO): I'm moving to Seattle, Henry.

Now, you no longer have a girlfriend to ignore.

You're free to choose your fantasies over actual life,

like every other cliché man-child.

(Deep Heart Beat)

(Dramatic Stinger)

(Thumping)

(Thumping)

(Dramatic Stinger)

(Thumping Amplifies)

(Dramatic Stinger)

(Thumping Amplifies)

(Distant Siren Blares)

(Car Honking)

(Distant Siren Blares and Thumping Stops)

(Birds Chirping)

(Crow Cawing)

(Birds Chirping)

(Birds Chirping)

(Birds Chirping)

(Birds Chirping)

(Metal Squeaks) (Water Running)

(Birds Chirping)

(Distant Gulping)

(Birds Chirping)

(Squeaks and Clanks)

(Birds Chirping)

(Footsteps)

Henry: There you are, bud.

(Audio Glitches)

(Indistinct Chatter and Clicking)

(Audio Glitches)

Henry (Recording): Don't put your finger in me, bud.

(Indistinct Chatter)

Henry (Recording): Dang.

"One inch slit."

(Beeping)

Henry (Recording): From now on, you gotta ask yourself, WWSD.

What would Seymour do?

'Cause for dang sure he'd feed them, their families,

and their pets to that talking coconut.

When did I say that?

Henry (Recording): Feed me.

Miracle-Gro.

Feed me Miracle-Gro.

(Birds Chirping)

Hm...

Henry (Recording): This feels weird, dude.

Feel kinda gross, but also free.

Like that dude in Shawshank Redemption

who crawled through the river of shit for his freedom.

You know what I mean?

I like to think it was mostly Beef 'n Cheddars.

That's what I'd eat every day if I was a meat bag.

The fuck?

(Birds Chirping)

(Ding)

McConadilla: Ooh, I hope that's Beef 'n Cheddars.

(Dillo with Henry’s Voice) Got me a hankerin' all of a sudden.

(Dramatic Stinger)

(Dramatic Stinger Stops)

Woman: Jesus, Henry.

Stop it. Stop it.

Dude, you better clean this up.

(Suspenseful Ominous Music)

(Birds Chirping)

(Clanking and Rustling)

(Loud Thumping)

McConadilla: Jackpot.

Well, hey, partner.

All right, this is gonna seem like a weird question,

but we got any roast beef up there?

I can't reach that high.

(Screeching Stinger)

You all right?

(Dramatic Stinger) (Thump)

(Ominous Magical Music)

Uh, really, dude?

(Ominous Magical Music)

All right, all right.

So... you talk now.

I've always talked.

You mean without your hand up my ass?

(Ominous Magical Music)

What was that?

What? I had an itch.

-No, you didn't. -Yeah, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

You need fucking nerve endings

and, like, blood vessels to have an itch.

-Are you done? -What the hell is happening?

I mean, please, continue human-splainin' to me

my reality.

(Ominous Magical Music)

You should see your dumbass face right now, bro.

(Chuckling)

(Maniacal Laughter)

(Maniacal Echoes and Fades)

(Crow Cawing) (Birds Chirping)

TV Man: You’re watching K-B-P-T-Tv.

West Hills public access. Channel 93.

Serving West Hills California and surrounding areas

of the beautiful San Fernando Valley, since 1952.

All right. Right where I left him. Good.

(Happy String Music on TV)

Henry: Did I leave the TV on last night?

McConadilla: Nope. I'm just an early riser.

You're not anything.

Whatever, dude. Today is the day we take control of your life.

What am I supposed to do?

Talk to my fuckin' puppet like it's totally fucking normal?

Heck yeah, man.

(Dillo Grunts)

(Determined Music)

Stop! Fuckin' stop!

What?

It's just creepy and weird.

Well, how about you give a fella a hand, then?

So I don't have to disgust your fragile eyes

with my Lieutenant Dan situation

Which would fittingly make you F

Fuck you.

Fucking... Unhand me, you son of

Stay.

I should probably see a doctor.

Probably.

Henry (Recording): I think that talkin' coconut's

is no good, y'all.

You can talk to the fucking plant...

(Glitched Voice Recording) (Glitched Grass Cutter)

(Grass Cutter Rumbling)

(Playful Piano Music)

Hey!

Don't you have somewhere else you could be whackin' off?

I'm in the middle of a show here.

Do you hear me?

(Playful Piano Music)

Hey.

I remember you. Cry baby.

What? You come back for a fucking beating?

What are you, stupid?

(Ominous Violin Music)

No.

"I'm your huckleberry."

Huh?

(Dramatic Stinger)

(Grunts and Thumps)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Grunts and Thumps)

(Dramatic Slash)

(Grunts)

(Heavy Breathing)

(Grunts)

(Panting)

(Distant Dog Barking)

(Grunts)

Fuck!

(Distant Dog Barking)

McConadilla: (Evil Laughter) Hey! Ho! Ho! Is he dead?

What the fuck!

(Evil Laughter)

Who's the cry baby now, bitch?

(Evil Laughter)

Buddy, it'll be all right. I know exactly what to do.

(Screeching Ominous Music)

(Distant Dog Barking)

(Screeching Ominous Music Fades)

All right, lookit. Do exactly as I say

and nobody will suspect a thing.

You sure?

Just do it.

(Birds Chirping)

(Grunts)

(Distant Dog Barking)

(Meat Crunching)

(Dillo Chuckling)

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

(Dillo Chuckling)

Fuck.

(Ominous Music)

Just one more thing.

(Dramatic Stinger)

McConadilla: Feels good, don't it?

We ain't takin' nobody's shit no more. Yeehaw!

(Mysterious String Music)

(Tape Peels)

(Mysterious String Music)

McConadilla: Uh... You all right?

Henry: No. No!

McConadilla: You just took back control of your life, dude.

We should be celebratin'.

Those bitches won't be fuckin' with us anymore.

It was a horrible accident.

I should be callin' the cops. They'll understand.

Shit. You didn't do nothin'.

I killed that guy!

For fuck's sake. You were wearin me, weren't you?

So technically, you didn't kill nobody.

And he kilt hisself the second he punched us.

Why'd you grab the shears?

Heck, man. It was all a blur. Heat of the moment.

A tragic accident.

But I learned from it and you should too.

Look, I'm sorry, man,

but you were just punchin' the dude.

That ain't illegal.

Kinda is.

Whatever. You didn't murder nobody. I did.

Hey, you ain't gonna turn me in, are ya?

I'm too cute to go to jail, man.

Nobody else gets hurt.

Heck, no. Just a couple of church mice from now on.

That's you and me.

But also from now on,

ain't nobody pushin' around Henry fucking Simms.

(Playful Western Music)

♪ Hey your dad’s a preacher ♪

♪ But mine is a lawman ♪

♪ It’s a shame they never knew what was real ♪

♪ And I miss my poor mama and all her goodwill ♪

♪ But I ain’t afraid of having to kill ♪

♪ We’ll show ‘em what we’re made of ♪

♪ After the fight we’ll know who’ll stand ♪

♪ We’ll live higher than ever ♪

♪ We’ll watch as the whole thing burns down ♪

(Playful Western Music)

(Inaudible Singing)

(Playful Western Music Fades)

(Birds Chirping)

(Indistinct Radio Chatter)

(Distant Dog Barks)

Cam: Why has no one come forward on this?

It's broad fuckin' daylight.

Probably 'cause of who the victim is.

(Suspenseful Ominous Music)

(Indistinct Radio Chatter)

That's rough.

(Suspenseful Ominous Music)

(Distant Dog Barks)

(Cam Grunts)

Classic shears to the eye suicide?

(Laughs)

That's not even the best part.

"Couldn't take it anymore. I kilt myself. Sorry."

(Laughs)

(Birds Chirping)

(Laughs)

(Dramatic Stinger)

(Laughs)

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, shut the fuck up!

(Laughs Stop)

A lotta dangerous people

who probably wouldn't find this very funny.

Jolene: Let's just say...

there's gonna be a war.

Cop: That feel good, Caruso?

(Suspenseful Violin Music)

(Liquid Pours)

(Suspenseful Violin Music)

(Russian Accent) My sister-in-law came to see

me this morning,

bawling her eyes out.

Says my big brother had been missing for two fucking days.

Never came home from work.

Then police come knocking.

They found him dead.

Thrown into the LA river like a dog.

Stabbed to death with his own hedge trimmers.

Boris, my sweet, stupid brother,

who would never hurt a fucking fly.

He... he was never a part of this thing of ours,

but whoever did this, now they, they are.

Find them and kill them.

Boris was an idiot. But he was my idiot.

(Digital Goofy Roaring)

King Quan: This is adult talk, Mushu-moy.

(Dramatic String Music)

But he was my idiot.

Come on, sweetheart.

Which means he was your idiot.

A Weaslovian brother.

And what don't we fuck with?

Weaslovia!

King Quan: Close. What else?

Bad intentions and sharp weapons.

Not quite.

Exercising on empty stomach.

Try again.

Holiday travel.

Family.

You're goddamn right. Family!

This is his business associate.

Ivan: Let me at this motherfuck...

Ivan here says that he has some information.

End this dickshit.

But keep it quiet.

I don't want to hear about any shootouts in the suburbs.

Now get the fuck out!

Go!

(Screams Echoing)

(TV Indistinct Noise and Speech)

TV Man: Alright, see, now you tell me...

If that plant is finished. All grown up!

TV Man 2: Finished all growing up?

(Beep)

TV Man: Me idiot!

(Beep Continues)

Man: Grab the... (Clanking)

Man 2: You...

No, no, you hold it here. I'll hold it there.

Blue: Just one second guys! I know I have it in here...

Oh no.

Think they got a body in that rug?

Worse. New neighbor. (Indistinct Outside Chatter)

In the rug?

Fuck!

McConadilla: So what?

You don't get it, dude.

They're gonna come knock.

They're gonna wanna meet us

and they're gonna be askin' questions.

"Hey, do you know what the trash schedule is?"

"Hey, do you know any good restaurants?"

It's fuckin' awful.

Hey, you see that?

McConadilla: Shit. Yeah, baby, I know a good restaurant.

-It's called my di... -Are you done?

Yeah.

(Suspenseful Music)

Shit!

(McConadilla Laughs)

You dumb shit.

Now you're that creepy guy next door

watchin' her through your window.

Yeah, that was pretty weird, wasn't it?

McConadilla: Oh, yeah, dude.

She's just gonna think about that creep next door

starin' at her through the window.

And when the cops eventually

canvass the neighborhood and say,

"Seen anything weird, ma'am?"

"Heck, yeah, Officer."

Blue: I'm sorry, guys. It's in here somewhere.

(Birds Chirping)

Henry: Hi. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Hey. Are you my neighbor?

I am.

Cool.

(Birds Chirping)

Does that look like a front door or a gate key?

Uh...

(Metal Clanking)

Also, do you know when the trash guys come?

I do. I can confidently say,

after years of observational data,

whenever the heck they want.

Ha! This one. Got it.

(Scoffs)

Blue: Fuck!

Henry: I got you.

(Thump) (Unlock)

Thanks.

We're good, boys.

Door is open, guys.

Is that your place?

Henry: Yeah.

By the way, I have some WD-40 in my garage

that'll fix that door.

McConadilla: Ain't nothin' a little lube can't fix,

am I right?

This dude's got a whole drawer full of every ki...

(Dramatic Gong Stinger)

Blue: Okay, I'm gonna need an explanation.

(Suspenseful Music)

That is McConadilla.

McCona-What?

Well, he's an armadillo and he's Texan. So...

He has an online movie review show

that he reviews old movies on.

He does, does he?

He does.

You know, I have a YouTube channel, too.

It's mostly kitten videos at this precise moment,

but I really wanna do some true crime stuff.

I'm just waitin' for the idea, you know?

But I'm gonna have to check out what you got goin' on.

McConadilla: Yeah, you will...

(Fake Awkward Laughter)

You know, I'm still waitin' for the big idea myself.

But until then, it's just

reviewing and rating old movies.

Rating?

Yeah. He gives them one out of five "All rights."

You know, like,

"I give this movie three all rights outta five."

"All right, all right, all..." Yeah, it's...

Let me see him again.

Sure.

(Emotional String Music Plays)

Now he's playing possum.

Thanks for the smooth intro, Slick.

How you doin', darlin'?

You're pretty good at that.

(Chuckles)

He's cute.

Hear that, meat bag? She called me cute.

(Birds Chirping)

All right. I gotta get going. Otherwise they'll take forever.

-Sure. -But, umm

it was really nice meeting you...

(Birds Chirping)

Henry.

I'm Henry.

Cool. I'm Samantha, by the way.

McConadilla.

It was very nice meeting you too, McCona...

McConadilla: McConadilla.

Right.

Yeah.

Since we're neighbors, maybe we should exchange numbers.

Yeah.

(Ding)

AirDropped you.

All right. I'll text you so you have mine.

Cool.

(Birds Chirping)

TV Man: Entire military base at your disposal!

(Indistinct TV Chatter)

Hey, what the fuck?

New rule. No talkin' to anyone but me.

Number one meat bag. Got it?

All right, you're King Meat Bag.

I'm serious.

McConadilla: So dramatic.

TV: I brought him to you.

They don’t understand.

(Mysterious String Music)

(Mysterious String Music)

(Mysterious String Music)

(Mysterious String Music)

(Hums and Grunts)

(Hums and Grunts)

(Mysterious String Music)

(Armadillos Screeching)

(Armadillos Screeching)

(Mysterious String Music)

(Panting)

(Sniffling)

(Knocking)

You wanna get outta here?

(Chaotic Country Music Plays)

♪ I got a B.O.B that stands for Bug Out Bag ♪

♪ I’m gonna strap it on and get the fuck outta dodge ♪

♪ Ain’t coming back with this old pack ♪

♪ Well it’s all winding down ♪

♪ It’s gonna go to shit ♪

♪ Ain’t gonna catch me with my pants around my ankles ♪

♪ I’m long gone ♪

♪ Ain’t coming home ♪

♪ Well I got me a compass and a trusty map ♪

♪ This ain’t no stick in bandana style hobo sack ♪

♪ If we end up crossing paths ♪

♪ You best exercise caution ♪

♪ Or I’ll introduce your ass to my sawed off shotgun ♪

(Chaotic Country Music Stops)

(Birds Chirping)

(Clank) (Liquid Rattles)

(Birds Chirping)

(Footsteps)

(Door Opens)

(Door Closes)

(Birds Chirping)

(Birds Chirping)

Hey.

Hey.

My brother sucks donkey dicks.

Plural?

Massive ones.

We had tickets to see Wheel-barrel Joe

and the Clickety Clacks.

They're playin' tomorrow at the Chili Bordello.

He has work, so he bailed.

But that means I have a spare ticket.

Maybe if you have time.

They are, like, the best jug band you'll ever see.

(Crow Cawing)

That would probably be a good thing for me to do.

-I mean, yeah. Sounds great. -Cool.

Cool.

I can text you the details

and we'll figure out the rest tomorrow.

Sounds great.

-Perfect. -Lookin' forward to it.

(Birds Chirping)

(Door Shuts)

You should grab a beer, bud.

You know what? I think I will.

(Happy String News Music)

Man: From the valley to the sea to all over Southern California.

It's gonna be a good fuckin' day.

Man: Thank you for joinin' us at West Hills Action News.

Woman: I'm Alice Jim. Man: And I'm Jim Alice.

Preliminary reports on

what is now being called a spree of murders...

Watchin' the news. Really?

Woman: Seem to point towards gang rivalries.

One of the victims now identified as Boris Mustela.

Holy shit.

Brother to a wanted man known to officials as "King Quan,"

a leader to a Weaslovian crime family.

Quan has been allegedly

expanding their operations locally...

That dude was in a fucking crime family?

We had that big earthquake

only a few days ago, and now this...

West Hills, man.

Man: I do, Alice Jim. For example,

you just saying the word "earthquake"

makes me want to shake you uncontrollably.

On a lighter note, officials are looking for a missing man-

Henry: I can't watch this.

If you have any information, please con...

(Dramatic Stinger)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Sliding and Clicking)

(Scary Drum Music)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Screeching Creepy Music)

(Scary Drum Music)

(Scary Drum Music Amplifies)

(Hits and Grunts)

(Heavy Breathing)

Wait, wait, wait! What is going on?

You tell me, dead man.

Oh, my God!

Drop the fuckin' knife!

Stop fuckin' ignorin' me! What are we doin' right now?

Enough bullshit!

Get outta here before you get hurt.

Fuckin' funny.

(Metal Clank)

(Scary Drum Music Stops)

This is for Boris, my motherfucker.

(Cheerful Slavic Phone Ringtone Music)

King Quan (Phone): So, it's done?

I fucking got him.

Well, we're fucked now.

Bizzy: Better, he knocked out cold.

King Quan: That's my boy, Bizzy.

Bizzy: I serve him to you on the silver platter.

-What happened? -Maybe I can swing by, and...

King Quan: Kill him and come back home.

I was savin' our ass till you woke up.

Hey!

Sir! I don't mean you any harm!

-Yeah, right. Henry: Look, if you won't leave,

I will take what you want.

-Gross. Bizzy: Stay right fucking there!

(Grunts and Clanking)

(Hectic Music)

McConadilla: Unless you wanna fuckin' die,

I'd start thinkin' about puttin' me back on.

What?

I'll splatter brain all over ugly wall, you bitch fuck!

McConadilla: Henry, for fucks sake!

Remember how much you hate bein' called names?

You gonna let him call you "bitch fuck"?

Remember the anger, Henry. You hate them all!

Bizzy: I don't know what is with you, but no more games.

I am kill you. I get celebrate.

McConadilla: Now or never, fuck nugget.

(Henry Screams)

(Frantic Music)

(Gun Cocking)

(Roar)

(Frantic Music)

(Grunts)

You done fucked up now, boy.

McConadilla (Muffled): You done fucked up now, boy.

(Grunts)

(Frantic Music)

(Knife Slashing)

(Creepy String Music)

(Bizzy Gasping)

(Bizzy Gasping)

(Creepy String Music)

(Bizzy Gasping)

(Creepy String Music)

(Panting)

McConadilla (Echoes): Is he dead?

(Ominous EDM Music)

(Cheerful Slavic Phone Ringtone Music)

(Dramatic Whoosh)

(Cheerful Slavic Phone Ringtone Music)

(Birds Chirping)

(Cheerful Slavic Phone Ringtone Music)

(Henry Grunts)

(Cheerful Slavic Phone Ringtone Music)

McConadilla: Wait, what do you mean

this has happened before?

And what do you mean, asleep?

You should be proud of yourself.

You defended your castle against these assholes

with your eyes closed, literally You should've seen it.

(Dramatic Whoosh)

(Knife Slice)

(Ominous Droning Music)

(Ominous Droning Music)

(Ominous Droning Music)

This is for Boris.

Hey, why are you stabbin' yourself?

Huh?

(McConadilla Roars)

(Knife Slashes)

(McConadilla Evil Laughs)

(Henry Grunts)

(Ominous Droning Music)

McConadilla: Quit stabbin' yourself.

(Indistinct Arguing and Hits)

(Indistinct Arguing) (Stabbing)

McConadilla: Quit stabbin' yours (Stabbing)

-Come here. Come here. -No! No!

(Indistinct Arguing)

What the fuck?

(Henry Grunts)

(Ominous Droning Music)

(Metal Ding)

So anyway, ain't gotta worry about him no more.

(Cheerful Slavic Phone Ringtone Music)

(Cheerful Slavic Phone Ringtone Cuts Off)

Just the one?

I don't know. How many crows it to make a murder?

And I'm sleepin' through all of it?

Yep.

That just seems... Impossible.

(Ominous Stinger)

(Fly Buzzing)

McConadilla: I mean, they just keep comin'.

What am I supposed to do? Let 'em kill ya? We're family.

But, hey, by some miracle, you got yourself a date tonight.

So, you need to wash up,

and start thinkin' about the Clickety Clacks.

(Fly Buzzing)

(Happy Saxophone Music)

♪ I’m feelin’ myself ♪

♪ Feelin’ myself, yeah ♪

(Happy Saxophone Music)

(McConadilla Laughter)

♪ I’ve got to tell you somethin’ baby ♪

♪ I’m not the same as yesterday ♪

♪ I’ve been thinking about you lonely lady ♪

♪ Lady ♪

♪ I’ve got to stop this whole charade ♪

♪ Nowadays I’m living life in the fast lane ♪

♪ Let’s go get the champagne, cause I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed straight to the dance floor ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ You know you got a ticket to ride baby ♪

♪ Only cause you looking so fine baby ♪

♪ No lie baby ♪

♪ So c’mon now, c’mon now, c’mon now... put it on me ♪

♪ You ought to see all the ways that I'm changing ♪

♪ You so amazing ♪

♪ You're gonna see all the world is a game and ♪

♪ It's mine for the takin' so I'mma take it ♪

♪ You and I should head to JFK ♪

♪ You know you got a ticket to ride baby ♪

♪ Only cause you looking so fine baby ♪

♪ No lie baby ♪

♪ You and I could simply fly away ♪

♪ You know you got a ticket to ride baby ♪

♪ So c’mon now, c’mon now, c’mon now... put it on me ♪

♪ I’m living life in the fast lane ♪

♪ Let’s go get the champagne, cause I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed straight to the dance floor ♪

♪ You... ♪

(Knife Slashing)

♪ Nowadays I take a lap on the catwalk ♪

♪ Let's go, no I can't stop ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ I’m bad as hell ♪

(Knife Slashing)

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed straight to the dance floor ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ Yes I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ Yeah I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed straight to the dance floor ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ Yeah I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ Living life in the fast lane ♪

♪ Let’s open the champagne, cause I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed right to the dance floor ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Nowadays I take a lap on a catwalk ♪

♪ Let's go, no I can't stop 'cause I'm bad as hell ♪

♪ I'm bad as hell ♪ (Music Fades)

King Quan: I would appreciate it if the supposed professional

hitman I paid big money for could be a little less casual.

I mean, my men go into that house and none come out.

It a black fucking hole!

Man: Cover your six, asshole, you're supposed to be on my team

What?

Man: No, no, no, not, not you. You guys said I could

do this my way. If that's not good enough for you,

then do it your damn self. But hang on,

look, I've got a league tournament all week.

-Then I'll take care of your pr... Fuck your tournament.

Man: I've already started my recon.

And I don't quit till it's fuckin' done.

My services are guaranteed.

Hey, fuck your fucking mother, man!

Look, give me till next week, all right?

Fuck your mother, you dick shit! I will have no men left.

You are worst hitman in West Hills!

(Happy Saxophone Music)

(Happy Saxophone Music Stops) (Dog Whimpers)

You making poopies? That's my little girl.

Good girl. Good poopies. Good poopies.

(Happy Saxophone Music)

♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪

♪ I’ve got to tell you somethin’ baby ♪

♪ I’m not the same as yesterday ♪

♪ I’ve been thinking about you lonely lady ♪

♪ Lady ♪

♪ I’ve got to stop this whole charade ♪

♪ Nowadays I’m living life in the fast lane ♪

♪ Let’s go get the champagne, cause I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed right to the dance floor ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ You know you got a ticket to ride baby ♪

♪ Only cause you looking so fine baby ♪

♪ No lie baby ♪

♪ So c’mon now, c’mon now, c’mon now... put it on me ♪

♪ You ought to see all the ways that I'm changing ♪

♪ You so amazing ♪

♪ You're gonna see all the world is a game and ♪

♪ It's mine for the takin' so I'mma take it ♪

♪ You and I should head to JFK ♪

♪ You know you got a ticket to ride baby ♪

♪ Only cause you looking so fine baby ♪

♪ No lie baby ♪

♪ You and I could simply fly away ♪

♪ You know you got a ticket to ride baby ♪

♪ So c’mon now, c’mon now, c’mon now... put it on me ♪

♪ I’m living life in the fast lane ♪

♪ Let’s go get the champagne, cause I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed straight to the dance floor ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Nowadays I take a lap on the catwalk ♪

♪ Let's go, no I can't stop ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ I’m bad as hell ♪

♪ Walking right through the front door ♪

♪ Headed right to the dance floor ♪

(Metal Door Rumbles) (Music Fades)

McConadilla: You'll be all right.

As long as you stick with me, pal.

(Ominous Music)

(Muffled) Help!

Hey, sis. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, miss.

Waitress: What can I get for ya?

Can I get a double bacon big beach burger and an ice tea?

What do you want? I'm kind of in a bit of a rush,

I'll get a lemonade. And a large beach fries.

Would you like those curly or straight?

Give 'em to me straight.

Waitress: Sounds good.

(Crickets Chirping)

Okay, what's up with you? What's with all the rush?

All right, you cannot say anything to anybody.

Okay.

West Hills has a serial killer.

Oh...

Yeah. Even pullin' in the FBI, for fuck's sake.

I'm hopin' they'll let me help.

'Cause guess where all the victims are. My house, bitch.

Congratulations, bro.

I know, I sound ridiculous, but I'm so fucking stoked.

I'mma waitin' for somethin' like this.

You know how long I've been waitin' for my break like this.

Wait, so they're gonna let you help with the investigation?

Well, not yet. But all the bodies are in my morgue,

so figure I'll drag that out as long as I can.

Just weasel my way in.

Rumor has it they're creating a task force.

Wait, this could be my first

video for my true crime channel.

What did I just say?

Okay, fine, fine. But, still, it's a great opportunity.

Congrats, bro.

Just gotta be ready when luck strikes, you know?

Should I be worried?

Nah, not at all. It's, like, organized crime shit.

But, still, it's a big deal.

So, what about you? How's your, your Facebook channel goin'?

-YouTube. -YouTube. Right, yeah. Good?

Yeah, it's good. It's, it's getting views.

Actually, my neighbor has a YouTube channel.

He, like, reviews movies and stuff.

We've gone on a few dates.

Yeah, nerds need love too.

(Scoffs) Jerk.

Thank God the food's here.

I'm starving. All this murder talk makes me hungry.

You're so weird. So weird.

Thank you. Hot.

-Those are mine! -So what?

(Playful String Music)

McConadilla: Dude, lookit. It's your stupid-ass girlfriend.

Right? Eh?

Eh?

Eh?

(Playful String Music)

McConadilla: 'Sup, dude?

Look what I can do now.

What you readin'?

(Plastic Crinkling)

(Grunting)

(Ominous Violin Music)

(Ominous Drum Music)

(Ominous Violin Music)

Hey.

(Birds Chirping)

-Hey! Blue: Henry?

Henry? Are you yelling?

(Ominous Violin Music Stops)

Who are you yelling at?

Oh, my God, your nose. I'll get you a tissue.

Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no.

It happens a lot lately. Hey, it's good to see you.

Hi.

What are you doing for supper tonight?

Nothing in particular. Hopefully eating it.

Well, how about you eat supper that I made you

at my place at seven o' clock?

-Sounds great. -Cool. Cool, I'll see you then.

Just get cleaned up. Cleaned up?

I'll clean up, yeah.

(Birds Chirping)

(Clock Ticking)

(Metal Screeching)

(Metal Screeching) (McConadilla Grunts)

(Metal Screeching) (McConadilla Grunts)

(Metal Screeching) (McConadilla Grunts)

(Metal Screeching) (McConadilla Grunts)

(Metal Screeching) (McConadilla Grunts)

McConadilla: Fuck.

(Metal Screeching) (McConadilla Grunts)

Uh... I've been thinkin'.

-Aha. -One word. "Vigilante."

I reckon it's time we follow our destiny, man.

Yeah. We could drive around looking for crimes.

Get one of them police scanners.

What are you, new?

(Ding) Biking! Look, Neighbor app

says some dudes are swingin' a stick at 7-Eleven.

Scarin' little old ladies and shit.

I wish somebody would sack up and save the motherfuckin' day.

Sounds like a lotta innocent folks would get hurt, so...

Innocent? It's Los Angeles, dude.

99% chance anyone is an asshole.

That's legitimately the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I'm Batman.

Did you just...

I'm Batman.

I'm just tryin' it on. Don't be hatin'. You try.

-Fuck off. -Try it.

I'm Batman.

Yeah, you are. (Laughs)

All right, all right. I'm Batman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm vengeance.

Okay, okay. I'm Batman.

Batman. You're Batman.

-I'm Batman. -We're Batman.

-I'm Batman. -We are Batman.

-I'm Batman. -I'm Batman.

-You're Batman. -I'm Batman. I'm Batman.

I'm the Batman now.

I am, I am Batman.

-I'm Batman. -We're Batman. Hey. Okay.

I'm Batma... No.

You're right. Batman's a little bitch anyway.

He don't even kill! And we sure as shit do!

We're like Punisher, and Spawn,

Killin' folks nobody would be ma for killin'. It's beautiful.

No!

Can't you take a fuckin' hint?

We're not doing that shit anymore.

I gotta get my life together, man.

(Birds Chirping)

(Mysterious String Music)

(Thump) (Long Gasp)

(Burp)

McConadilla: The heck are you doin'?

Me? Whatever the heck I want.

You tough guy now?

I'm sorry, do you have a grievance you'd like to share?

Am I neglecting you?

Are my sentient puppet's feeling being ignored?

Whatever, dude.

(Clanking) (Grunts)

(Grunts and Gasps)

We'll hang later, I promise.

I saw someone creepin' around Blue's earlier,

so I invited her over.

Just to, you know, keep an eye on her,

or, I don't know, protect her.

But what that means is I have to figure out

how to make somethin' for supper in two hours.

And I could kinda use your help.

McConadilla: Eh... Meat bag's comin' over?

This is gettin' ridiculous.

You're losin' control, man!

Losing?

Done lost, you mean.

Dude, help me cook supper or leave me the hell alone.

Jesus.

It's every five minutes with this thing.

All right.

I know exactly what to do.

(Mysterious String Music)

I'm just sayin', by their very nature,

meat bags can't be trusted.

Now, I trust you. You're all right.

But lady meat bags? Bro.

Bro!

Did we just make three kinds of potatoes?

(Mysterious String Music)

Oh! We also did breadsticks.

Sweet. I thought we screwed up.

All right, what else should we do? Should we do salad?

Way ahead of ya.

(Whip Effect)

(Doorbell) Shit, she's here.

Shut up for a while.

You better put me on.

Why? No.

'Cause I do feel neglected, to be honest.

And I got more shit to say.

Unless you want her to have a heart attack

when she sees a talkin' 'dilla that ain't gettin' fisted.

Don't do this.

Allow me to paint you a picture

of what could happen while you sleep tonight.

(Both Laughing)

Hey, look at you.

(Door Shuts)

What are you doing?

(Romantic String Music)

Makin' food.

You did this joke already.

-This one? -You wooed me.

-I did? -Now it's just...

-Hot. -Weird.

Seriously.

Put it down.

Smells good in here.

Blue: What did you cook? (McConadilla Screams)

Potatoes, potatoes, somethin' else, I forget.

I appreciate the gesture,

but I don't want you to ruin your puppet.

Oh...

He can use the fresh air.

Trust me, he's startin' to smell.

Cheers to you.

(Clank)

Blue: How many have you sold?

Henry: I'm pretty much the only one

that buys them, so far.

Blue: How cute! Did you draw all these, too?

Henry: I did.

-Really? -Yeah.

Don't look so surprised.

(Romantic String Music)

Is that a Hattori Hanzo?

It is...

A replica.

Duh...

You wanna hold it?

It's pretty legit, but sharp as hell.

I must warn you.

No, no. I respect the sanctity of a collectible.

Fuckin' A.

(Crickets Chirping)

(Mysterious Music)

I didn't know you had another puppet.

Henry: Yeah, it's just something

I've been working on for a few months.

McConadilla (Distantly): What the fuck?

(McConadilla Grunts)

(Goofy String Music)

(McConadilla Grunts)

Fuck you, meat bag!

Blue: It was getting chilly.

Henry: It is, isn't it?

Looks like a cave in here.

Yea, stuff’s old.

Man 1: Probably happened ages ago.

Man 2: You sure it’s safe?

Who knows.

That’s what makes it exciting!

I say we split this cave

and go to Vegas.

Yeah!

There’s a cave-in!

(Men on TV Screaming)

He was right. They should have split and went to Vegas.

They should’ve found this weeks ago!

Man 3: Remember that thing crash...

Had to eat someone to survive.

What if they only ate parts of each other.

So no-one has to die.

Who gets eaten first?

We’ll draw straws.

Who’s part is cut off on the looser.

It’s up to the looser.

( Dramatic Stinger )

Blue: They're gonna cut off his arm?

Henry: They're gonna need a bigger knife.

( Laughs )

( Scary Music ) ( Man Screams )

( Exclaims )

( Scary Music ) ( Man Screams )

You know what they should've done?

-Split and went to Vegas. -Split and went to Vegas.

( Both Laughing )

( Friendly TV Music )

( Ominous String Music )

( Ominous Whoosh )

( Blue and Henry Laugh )

-There you go. -Well, that was fun.

Yeah. Thanks for comin'.

How about I return the favor?

Say Friday?

Sounds perfect.

Let's... Let's do it here, though.

( Mysterious Music )

Okay.

I am gonna be adding some proteins and vegetables.

And no McConadilla.

100%.

And about that.

Look, I want you to know that I've come to realize that...

he's a really, really bad influence,

you know?

No, you don't. No, that sounds weird.

What I'm tryin' to say is that

( Crickets Chirping )

I'm starting to see clearly that

my relationship with McConadilla has gotten out of hand.

And I don't know what brought him to life this way,

I really don't.

He's...

( Mysterious Music )

He's makin' me do things.

And he says they're in our best but...

Henry, what are you tryin' to say?

Just that...

I've been using that puppet as an excuse for...

absolutely terrible behavior.

( McConadilla Grunts ) ( Dramatic Whoosh )

And so...

I've come to realize

that the best thing for me...

is just to get rid of that whiny,

weak-ass little bitch.

( Mysterious Music )

That sounds great, Henry.

Yeah.

Good for you.

( Silly Trumpet Music )

( McConadilla Growls )

( Silly Cartoony Stinger )

( Phone Dials and Beeps )

Dispatch: 911. What's your emergency?

Henry: I know this is going to sound crazy,

but, okay, I have this puppet, an... arm-armadillo.,

And he's, well,

he's, become sentient and he's...

He's making me kill all these people.

And he says it's self-defense,

but that's startin' to sound like bullshit.

Oh, God. Fuck.

( Men Chuckle and Exclaim )

That's it?

Okay, boys, put out an APB on a killer armadillo.

( All Laugh )

( Crickets Chirping )

Help!

Help!

( News Channel Intro Music )

( Crickets Chirping )

Dude.

Ex: Hey, it's me.

I need to swing by and pick up my grandmother's blanket.

It's in the chest at the foot of the bed.

No crying or groveling, please.

Just leave it on the porch for me...

What an asshole.

Jim: I'm Alice Jim. TV Lady: And I'm...

McConadilla: You know what you should do? Piss on it.

I just can't fuckin' believe her.

Better yet, sprinkle some cyanide.

Maybe some ricin.

( Indistinct TV Chatter )

( Ominous Music )

( Ominous Music )

Jim (TV): Such lovely news, Alice.

I hope that kitten finds its family.

In breaking news today, as West Hills police confirmed

the existence of an active serial killer,

dubbed the Monster of West Hills,

brutally murdering six people,

with more victims to be expected.

Some are calling him a vigilante.

Oh, my God.

Did that dude just say "vigilante"?

We are Batman.

We identify as a "we," don't we?

-Shut up! -What?

They're talkin' about all that killin' you've been doin'.

Excuse me?

Did you fart? ( Sniffles )

That you've been doing.

Nope. Like the TV man just said,

you're a bona fide serial killer, dude.

Might as well fess up to it.

-You're the serial killer! -Nope, you are.

I'm actually kind of afraid for my safety right now, so...

This is insane.

Yeah, you might be.

You're sure as shit smack-dab in a horror film right now.

Yet, yet, you're actin' like it's a fuckin' rom-com!

You're the West Hills whatever-the-fuck.

You're the serial killer!

It's always you on my hand. That's what you said.

Just listen to yourself. It's pathetic.

Really?

( Gargling )

I'm goin' to bed.

( Crickets Chirping )

( Grass Rustling )

( Deep Ominous Stinger )

( Ominous Music )

( Crickets Chirping )

( Crickets Chirping )

( Digital Roar )

( Digital Roar )

( Snore )

( Digital Roar )

( Ominous Music )

( Deep Ominous Stinger )

( Digital Roar )

( Ominous Music )

( Ominous High-Pace Music )

I don't get it.

Where are my men?

Mostly dissolved.

( Blades Slashing )

( Ominous High-Pace Music )

( Grunting )

( Ominous High-Pace Music )

( Grunting )

( Blades Slashing )

( Ominous High-Pace Music )

( Grunting )

( Ominous High-Pace Music )

( Ominous High-Pace Music )

( Crickets Chirping )

( Dramatic Stinger )

Help me!

McConadilla: Now you need me.

Shut up and help me!

Fuck you!

McConadilla: Say you need me.

I need you.

( Ominous High-Pace Music )

( Splash )

( Blade Slash )

You're already dead and you don't even know it!

( Evil Laughter )

The greatest hitman in West Hills is coming.

He will never...

stop hunting you, bitch fuck!

( Music Fades )

That's for earlier, fucknut.

Henry, are you okay?

( Crickets Chirping )

( Door Knock )

( Metal Clank )

Did you fall in the pool?

I heard screaming. Are you okay?

Mind your own dang business, lady.

( Crickets Chirping )

( Dramatic Stinger )

( Rising String Music ) ( Grunts )

( Rising String Music ) ( Grunts )

( Birds Chirping )

( Digital Roar )

( Digital Roar Declines )

( Henry Exhale )

( Birds Chirping )

( Phone Ring )

What?

Labyrinth Shirt: Very professional, Henry.

Very professional.

That's how I answer the phone now.

Why are you callin' me, "Labyrinth Shirt"?

Labyrinth Shirt: Call me by my name, please.

That is your name, dumbass.

- My name, Henry, is Sofia, and you would do well to...

Sofia?

Yeah, that's stupid. No wonder he calls you Labyrinth.

Labyrinth Shirt: You know what? It doesn't even matter

because I have the immense pleasure

of calling to tell you: you're fired!

Stupid piece of shit!

Hey, look here.

I got a heap of justice to serve

the various meat bags in the area,

so how about you give me your address

and I'll start with you?

King Quan (V.O.): The greatest hitman...

...in West Hills is coming.

He will never stop...

McConadilla: "Phitman."

"Topanga Overlook."

( Ominous String Music )

"Hitsman."

"Jerry Jenkins."

"West Hills Bar and Grill."

"Casual Hitman."

"Fourth floor, Warner Plaza."

( Ominous String Music )

( Machine Clicking )

( Ominous String Music )

( Tear )

( Tear )

( Ominous String Music )

( Doorbell Ring )

( Door Bangs )

( Door Bangs )

( Music Fades )

I'm not here to talk. I just wanna pick up my clothes.

( Ominous Screeching Music )

What the fuck?

I'm not talkin' to the fucking puppet, Henry.

( Zip Slides Open )

( Tinkle )

( Zip Slides Close )

( Ominous Screeching Music )

( Birds Chirping )

♪ I... ♪ ( Happy Guitar Pop Music )

♪ I wanna know the reason why ♪

♪ You make me wanna cry-y-y ♪

♪ You make me wanna die... ♪

Look at that view.

Guy: Great view.

Yeah? A joint, silly.

♪ Don’t do the things you’re supposed to do ♪

Hey! Get the fuck away from my car, asshole!

What is it wearing?

He's getting closer!

Are you deaf?

( Blade Slash )

( Blade Slash ) ( Screams )

♪ I want a piece of mind ♪

Woman: (Screams) Oh, God!

♪ You make me wanna try-y-y ♪

♪ You make me wanna die... ♪

( Happy Guitar Pop Music )

♪ Oh oh cause you... ♪

♪ Don’t do the things I want you to ♪

♪ You run around and treat me cruel ♪

♪ But I’m still in love with you... ♪

♪ But why don’t you need me... ♪

♪ But why won’t you see me... ♪

♪ Oh no... ♪

♪ Oh won’t you love me... ♪

♪ Push me and shove me... ♪

♪ Oh oh I need you... ♪

♪ Oh oh why... ♪

♪ I wanna know a reason why... ♪

♪ You make me wanna cry-y-y ♪

♪ You make me wanna die-e-e ♪

♪ You make me wanna die-e-e ♪

♪ You make me wanna die-e-e ♪

Ex: I don't like to swear or speak light

of mental illness,

but that guy is fucking crazy.

Thanks.

( Soft String Music )

I put the wash on delicate.

It's the best that I could do.

You're a lifesaver. Thank you.

You have a lovely house.

So, do you know him? Henry?

I thought I did.

Are you involved?

Are you?

( Soft String Music )

You know, he used to sleep in his toy box as a kid.

( Creepy Lullaby Music )

His parents died when he was young.

Used to fight all the time.

His mom was this feisty, small-town girl from Texas

who ended up with the wrong guy.

Dad (Echo): Why doesn't he just make friends?

Mom (Echo): What's wrong with that?

Dad (Echo): I'm sick of him and you.

Mom (Echo): That's your fault!

( Dad Scream ) ( Toy Box Thump )

( Creepy Lullaby Music )

Ex (V.O.): With no siblings or friends.

And his only friends were his toys.

He talked to them all day.

The stuffed animals.

Innocent, only-child type of stuff at first,

but, then one day, the toys started talking back.

( Dramatic Stinger )

So I assume you've met McConadilla?

( Dark Piano Music )

( Dark Piano Music )

( Dark Piano Music )

( Dark Piano Music )

( Dark Piano Music )

( Music Fades )

Guy: Takin' pot shots like a little bitch?

You're over there, aren't you?

Where you hiding?

Where you hiding, you snipey-snipey motherfucker?

I think I know where you are.

I got you.

You're in my sights now, you son of a bitch.

Fuck me? Fuck you, man.

No, fuck your mom.

( Rampant Creepy Music )

Eat it!

Son of a bitch.

All right, who's next? Who's next?

Who wants some?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

( Screeching Music )

( Crow Cawing )

Cam: Hello.

( Door Shut )

Sam?

( Music Stops )

I hope this is your place, otherwise

I am breaking and entering.

There you are.

Okay.

Started early, I see.

Somethin' up?

You are an outstanding detective.

This place is great.

Hey, you remember that place, Dad and I had?

You and your mom moved in.

That shitty, wood panel,

walls like a meth factory trailer house?

Yeah, that is not this.

But, seriously, sis,

gotta say, congrats.

You now have a half a million dollar anchor around your neck.

( Cam Laughter )

-That's the problem, though! -Come on.

All you were supposed to say was "I was not feeling well."

No, and you remember, you, you said,

-"But I'm sick." -"I'm sick."

You had all this make-up on your face.

I was like, "You know what it looks like?

You look like the Walking Dead!"

But it totally worked. Didn't...

( Rumble )

So, the neighbor.

That why we're drinkin'?

( Playful Surf Rock Music )

Woman: Hey, girl. How'd it go?

Can I get a double martini?

Woman: That bad, huh?

$hitsgirl$: So, 15 minutes before my audition,

they tell me that I have the wrong scene.

Hate it when that happens.

Thank you.

( Phone Camera Clicks )

( Indistinct Singing )

Hey, you look familiar.

Are you an actress?

( Indistinct Singing )

( Playful Surf Rock Music )

Guy: I mean, you know,

play your cards right, I could change your life.

$hitsgirl$: Well, I don't really play cards.

Guy: Do you play this?

( Pants Unzip ) ( Woman Sigh )

$hitsgirl$: Really?

Guy: What?

$hitsgirl$: Look, it's not my policy

to mix business with that.

Guy: It's my policy.

$hitsgirl$: I don't think so. Like...

Guy: Oh yeah? -Oh, no.

Guy: Yeah. Okay.

( $hitsgirl$ Screams ) No!

Guy: Hey!

( Stabbing )

( Surf Rock Music )

( Surf Rock Music )

( Surf Rock Music )

( Surf Rock Music Fades )

Something's happened, and, I think my hands are broken

My nails, my fingers.

I'm not sure about him.

Maybe I should call the cops.

I'm okay. #blessed. But...

( Stabbing )

( Surf Rock Music )

♪ Why did I ♪

( Surf Rock Music Fades )

Cam: Why don't we stop bullshitting

and you just tell me what the hell's goin' on?

( Suspenseful Piano Music )

Come on.

He thinks his puppet's alive.

Come again?

It's like, refusing to leave his hand or something.

Wait, what is refusing to leave his hand?

McConadilla.

Okay, what the hell is a McConadilla?

Are you listening?

Yeah.

You know, it was...

It was kinda sweet at first.

Like, how into it he was.

And then he stopped taking it of when we were hanging out.

And I'm like, "What the fuck is that about?"

Then it got even weirder when I asked him to take it off.

And now, get this,

he says it refuses to leave his hand.

It's making him do things.

I've had a lotta things get between me and a guy before,

but a foot tall armadillo

with a cowboy hat and bandana?

Come on.

( Dramatic Stinger )

( Horn Blares )

( Horn Blares )

( Horn Blares )

( Train Rumbles )

( Creepy String Music )

( Creepy String Music )

Man: Sir? Sir, we're closing now.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Just, just play it.

What? Like, over the radio?

Yes, over the radio.

Does this voice sound familiar to you?

Dispatcher (Recording): 911. What's your emergency?

Henry: I know this is going to sound crazy,

but, okay, I have this puppet, an... arm-armadillo.

And he's, well,

he's, become sentient and he's...

He's making me kill all these people.

And he says it's self-defense,

but that's startin' to sound like bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay.

( Engine Rumbles )

Cam: Sam.

( Car Door Shuts )

Blue: Henry.

( Ominous Music )

Hey!

( Ominous Music )

( Gate Click and Rumble )

Sam? Sam!

( Ominous Music )

( Ominous Music )

( Indistinct Radio Chatter )

( Clears Throat )

( Indistinct Radio Chatter )

( Ominous Music )

( Camera Clicking )

( Camera Clicking )

( Indistinct Radio Chatter )

( Ominous Music )

( Ominous Music )

( Camera Clicking )

( Metal Clanks )

( Crickets Chirping )

( Metal Clanks )

This is private fucking property. Are you nuts?

It's fucking true.

We need to go.

Now. Come on.

No, we need evidence.

There is protocol.

-Listen. -No.

Listen to me.

Simply being in this yard right now

negates any evidence that we're or even see...

-Okay? -Fine.

Now, first things first.

We'll go to the station, we'll file a report, all right?

Hey, we'll figure this out, okay?

McConadilla: Well, howdy.

So, am I talking to McConadilla right now?

You finally put that little bitch Henry in his place?

This town needs an enema.

Just one more turd left to flush.

( Ominous Music )

( Phone Buzz )

Fuck.

Is this how you repay his kindness?

He's lucky I took over.

Poor boy would've been crushed

when you inevitably left him.

It's time to own your shit, Henry.

( McConadilla Scream ) ( Blade Whoosh )

( Frantic Music )

( Grunts )

Cam! Shit!

Okay, okay, Cam. Oh, shit!

Let's get out of here. Shit! Shit!

-Bitch! -We gotta get out of here.

Cam: That's it.

( Frantic Music )

( Thump )

( Silence )

You sure know how to pick 'em, sis.

( Ominous Music )

( Blade Slash )

Henry.

We all have a fucking McConadilla.

That doesn't mean we have to listen to them.

Not listening.

( Evil Laughter )

( Dramatic Stinger )

-We're all someone's puppet. - "We're all someone's puppet."

Especially when that someone holds

our happiness in their hand.

They have the power to crush it.

Like your parents.

Like Melissa.

I'm not one of them.

I'm not gonna hurt you, Henry.

I promise.

( Dramatic Stinger ) ( Grunts and Hits )

( Balls Clatter )

Try it again, asshole.

Come on.

( Soft Violin Music )

One step forward, asshole, come on.

It's over, man.

It's over.

( Soft Violin Music )

Blue.

He came to life.

No, he didn't.

( Soft Violin Music )

What have I done?

McConadilla: Fucking kill 'em all, Henry!

No!

McConadilla: Grab that fuckin' sword and kill 'em!

We got 'em right where we want 'em!

Don't even fucking think about it, man.

( Soft Violin Music )

I said, don't move!

We could've done it all, man.

-Fuck you! -We still can. Come on.

This is all your fault!

You gotta listen to me, man. The goddamn wheels are fallin' off.

Henry!

It's all your voice.

It's all you.

New rule. No talkin' to anyone but me.

The one and only meat bag. Got it?

Well, we're fucked now.

I reckon it's time we follow our destiny, man.

Did we just make three kinds of potatoes?

Nope. We also made breadsticks.

You're the West Hills whatever-the-fuck!

You're the serial killer!

It's always you on my hand.

Who got you through the hard times, huh?

It's you and me against them, remember?

I'm the only one who cares about you, me!

About us!

I set you free!

Don't listen to these fuckin' meat bags!

( Soft Violin Music )

We should've split and went to Vegas.

( Ominous Music )

Grab his fucking arm.

-What? -Just do it.

( Ominous Music )

( Dramatic Stinger ) ( Screams )

( Screams )

Oh, my God. Fuck.

Is it dead?

Get rid of it.

( Ominous Music )

( Indistinct Chatter )

( Indistinct Chatter )

Where's the arm?

In the armadillo.

It's inside.

(Soft Music )

Cop 1: We got a lotta body parts back there.

Henry: So...

you're Blue's brother?

Who's Blue?

We got a lotta body parts back there.

Awesome.

( Indistinct Chatter )

So...

whatever happened to all that "I'll never hurt you" stuff?

( Helicopter Whirring )

Fuck off.

Get better.

( Helicopter Whirring )

( Helicopter Whirring )

( Creepy Lullaby Music )

( Siren Blares )

( Siren Blares )

Get some guys down in the river.

Practically runs through this place.

( Creepy Lullaby Music )

Somebody find my goddamn partner.

Fuck!

( Happy Dance Music )

Fucking hate puppets.

♪ Pussy what is up? ♪

♪ Acid runnin’ through my blood ♪

♪ Spit it up until until it burn right through the pavement ♪

♪ You gonna stay until its done ♪

♪ Need a couple medics in the front ♪

♪ On a bike that’s from Akira ♪

♪ pop a wheelie, put some liquor on my cuts fucker ♪

♪ An all type blood sucker ♪

♪ Dumb luck or just skill ♪

♪ I move to kill a silly bugger ♪

♪ See ya sucker! Don’t shudder ♪

♪ At the thought of goin’ under ♪

♪ That hoe get any closer I’mma fuckin’ nunchuck her ♪

♪ Slip through shadows in the rain ♪

♪ Said I’m up to something ♪

♪ Hit the adrenaline octane, bitch, I’m run and gunnin’ ♪

♪ Can’t feel the front lobe in his brain ♪

♪ Feed him liquid plumbin’ that double barrel go insane ♪

♪ Yea it’s stomach pumpin’ rebel to the core ♪

♪ Oh no you won’t you null and void boy ♪

♪ He gave me a ring, I’mma treat her like a Joy Toy ♪

♪ Devil that you know or that you don’t ♪

♪ Come make a choice boy Smoke until I space ♪

♪ And till I’m speakin’ with the corpse voice ♪

♪ Fuck that ♪

♪ Think my brain is right descending into sludge ♪

♪ Said she like me so I told her better buss that ♪

♪ Sick of silly rappers suckin' on they thumbs ♪

♪ You wanna catch me dummy you gonna ♪

♪ have to run laps. Catch me motherfucker ♪

♪ Catch me, motherfucker. Catch me motherfucker ♪

♪ Catch me, motherfucker. Kill me motherfucker ♪

♪ Kill me motherfucker. Kill me motherfucker ♪

♪ Kill me motherfucker ♪

♪ I flick a lighter, let it ligh under my thumb whore ♪

♪ I like the feeling that I get when I can't feel a thing ♪

♪ I guess it's really nothin' if I'm numb whore ♪

♪ He press the problem, he might blow this ♪

♪ loaded gun and then he done for ♪

♪ So that problem get erased, buckle down ♪

♪ you better brace I like the toxic in my cup ♪

♪ I only drink it if it's laced ♪

♪ Get me mad, my stats I max, what a lovely fucking day ♪

♪ If life ain't fuck you up by now then life ♪

♪ gonna find another way ♪

♪ Life gonna find another way ♪

♪ Life gonna find another way ♪

♪ I need a fuckin’ boost ♪

♪ It always finds a fuckin' way ♪

♪ I'm hearing nothin' till it's... ♪

♪ Fuck that ♪

♪ Think my brain is right descending into sludge ♪

♪ Said she like... ♪ ( Music Fades )

Hobo (Singing): It’s another day...

Let's see what we got here.

Let's see. Here's a can.

That's good food.

Chili bordello.

Good eatin'.

Yes.

Useful.

Get outta the way.

( Curious Exclaims )

Now, this is what I'm talkin' about.

That is a baby turtle.

You got no arms, but...

( Suspenseful Music )

What...

What have you been up to, young fella?

Yeah, no good. I can see that.

What do you have to say for yourself?

McConadilla: All right, all right, all...

( Evil Laughter ) ( Clock Dong )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

Director: Credit scrolls usually take

three to four minutes, Geoff, so just keep on goin'.

( Laughter )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Happy Country Music )

( Music Fades )