Original subtitles

- Morning, Mr Skinner. - Mr Parkin.

Garden's looking lovely. Dwarf marigolds are splendid.

They're not dwarf marigolds. They're ordinary marigolds.

- Flamin' caterpillars have been at 'em. - I see.

Well, they're still splendid.

Perhaps we could try something a little more ambitious one year.

A coat of arms, perhaps. Something like that.

They tried that during the War. They planted the name Hatley, with salvias, pansies and lobelias.

Half of them died, and within a week they had a station called Hitler.

- That did not go down too well. - No.

I see.

Before I forget, the fire buckets are full of cigarette ends again.

- Change the water in them, would you? - What for?

A few soggy fag ends isn't going to make any difference if there's a fire.

You're missing the point, Mr Skinner.

A smart station is an efficient station.

And a smart fire bucket is a more efficient fire bucket?

Just see to it, will you?

Would you like me to change the sand in the egg timer while I'm at it?

- What did Mr Parkin want? - Apparently, the fire buckets are full of fag ends.

- He wants you to empty 'em out. - So he can smoke 'em?

- Don't talk daft, Wilfred. Just get rid of them. - It's my day off.

All right, all right.

So, if you get the 11:38 from here and change at Wenstead onto the 12:07,

that'll get you to Whitchurch,

where you can pick up the 1:42 Chesterfield to Worksop via Staveley.

At Worksop...

...you can get on the 3:09 Bawtry to Doncaster.

And from there, you can catch the 4:21 Doncaster to Barnsley,

which gets you into Hickleton...

...at 4:47.

Of course, if you miss the 3:09...

...oh, erm... you'll have to wait for the 5:27, which is an all-stopping train,

and you won't get to Hickleton...

Hickleton... Hickleton...

...thank you, madam...

You won't get to Hickleton till half past eight.

If I were you, I'd get the bus.

- Mrs Schumann! - Heck!

I do beg your pardon, madam. If you'll just excuse me a moment.

Mrs Schumann, I'm surprised at you.

- I'm sorry, Mr Parkin. - For a moment there, I was most impressed.

To be honest with you, so was I.

What chance do we have of withstanding Dr Beeching's axe if you tell people to get the bus?

Well, it was just getting so complicated.

That is not the issue, Mrs Schumann.

You are an employee of British Railways, a public servant.

A public servant's job is...?

To serve the public.

Exactly. It's not the first time you've encouraged customers to go elsewhere.

You remember.

Difficult to forget, Mrs Schumann.

A family of six wanted to get to Scarborough, and what did you tell them?

I said, "If I were you, I wouldn't start from here."

- Quite. Well, don't let it happen again. - No, Mr Parkin.

And how is the most wonderful mother in the whole wide world?

Never mind the flannel. What do you want?

- Have you got thirty-two and six? - Yes, thank you.

- Can you lend it to me? - Lend as in "You'll never see this again"?

- Probably. - What's it for?

- I want to get the new Beatles LP. - It's called With The Beatles.

- That's imaginative. - Mum, please!

After all, you are the kindest, sweetest, most...

All right, all right, I'm the one doing the buttering up, not you.

Now, where's my purse?

Whooo!

May, give us a cup of tea. Parkin's just give us a right telling off.

- Why? - I don't know. He's in a funny mood.

Just because I told someone to get the bus instead of the train.

Some people can be so unreasonable.

- Do you like the Beatles, Mrs Schumann? - Yes, I listen to them all the time.

Well, I've got no choice. Wilfred plays them on his Dansette nonstop.

Have you got a favourite? I like John best.

No, Paul's better. I think he's dreamy.

I like the one with the big hooter.

Now, what's his name? Bingo!

Frankly, I can't see the appeal. I mean, they won't last.

Come back in a year, nobody'll even remember 'em.

Not like Frank Ifield.

Now, he'll be around forever.

That's funny. I thought I had more money in my purse than this.

Here we are, Harry.

I've brought you a nice bacon sandwich for your lunch.

Ta.

I cut the crusts off of it for you.

- You didn't have to do that. - Yes, I did. They was mouldy.

The ruddy trains!

Would you like me to pull your lever for you, Harry?

No, I wouldn't. You keep your hands off my levers.

Why?

Why? Because it's a highly skilled job, that's why.

There's years of training and experience goes into pulling them levers. It's highly technical.

Well, my late husband was an engine driver, you know,

and his trains were far more technical than this.

Yeah, but he didn't let you drive 'em though, did he?

I used to watch his manipulations.

I saw exactly what he did.

So what? I sit and watch the telly of an evening.

It don't make me Cliff Michelmore, does it? You keep your hands off.

Hello, Harry. Vera.

He won't let me handle his equipment.

Don't you think that's being a bit... a bit pedantical?

Take no notice of that silly old biddy.

What are you doing up here, Jack? The Clumberfield train is due in a couple of minutes.

I want to stick ten bob on a horse that's running at Chepstow.

You'll be lucky, mate. You still haven't paid me for your last bet yet.

Or the one before that, come to think of it.

Your slate is looking decidedly iffy.

Come on, Harry. This one's a cert.

Yeah. A cert for the knacker's yard.

I've never known anyone pick more losers than you, mate.

Your jockeys, they didn't ought to bother wearing silks.

They come in so late, they ought to be wearing pyjamas.

- Look, I've got the cash. - Thanks. That'll do against what you owe me.

- Come on, Harry. Please. - Sorry, mate.

All right, if you won't take my bet, I'll go and see the bookie in town.

What, Ronnie Beckwith? He won't give you a slate.

- We'll see. - Well, good luck, mate. You've got no chance.

A penny.

It's my lucky day.

See a penny, pick it up. All the day, you'll get good luck.

- What are you dressed like that for? - I told you it's my day off.

I'm going watching Hatley Town.

It's the first round of the FA Cup today. We're playing Swanscombe United.

- Did you clean the fire buckets out for his nibs? - Yeah, they're all done.

Right. Before you go, do me a favour. See the Clumberfield through for me.

- Where are you going? - Not far. I'm going to visit a sick relative.

Ronnie Beckwith. I won't be long.

I'm only testing.

Now, I've told you before, Ralph,

a locomotive is just like a woman.

It responds better to a gentle caress than it does to a quick lunge.

I'm doing my best.

Well, don't look at me. Concentrate on where you're going.

Where I'm going? Well, I'm on rails.

I ain't got a lot of choice about where I'm going.

I can hardly take a shortcut cross-country, can I?

Don't be cheeky, Ralph.

Signal's against us.

All right, all right. Now, just anticipate the change.

Approach it nice and steady.

And then, when it changes, accelerate gently in to Hatley Station.

That's right, Ralph. That's it.

Nice and easy, nice and easy.

It's not changing!

It's still up! Brake! Brake!

Why is the 1:38 not on the platform?

It's stopped at the signal.

Tell Mr Skinner to ask Mr Lambert what's going on.

I can't. He's not here. He's gone visiting a sick relative, Ronnie Beckwith. He won't be long.

Without permission? He can't do that.

I know. It's terrible, in't it? I'd sack him if I were you and give me the job.

Yes, well, I suppose Mr Skinner has his reasons.

Wilfred, what's holding the Clumberfield up?

Signal's stuck.

Mrs Schumann, would you phone Mr Lambert and ask what's going on?

Shouldn't Jack do it?

Apparently, Mr Skinner has been called away to visit a sick relative, a Ronnie Beckwith.

Ronnie Beckwith? I didn't know Jack was related to the bookie.

A bookmaker. Thank you, Mrs Schumann.

Wilfred, why aren't you in uniform?

It's my day off, Mr Parkin. I'm going watching Hatley Town in the FA Cup.

Really? Very nice.

Come on, Hatley!

Wilfred, stop that immediately! We can do without that sort of football hooliganism.

There's no reply from the signal box. I'll nip down there.

Thank you, Mrs Schumann.

Cut along, Wilfred. I'll see the train in.

Will you stop pulling on that whistle, Ralph? I think they know we're here.

I can see everything up ahead. There's nothing in the way. Can't we just go?

You what? Have you taken leave of your senses?

There are rules, regulations. You can't just go!

- What's happening? - Not a lot.

- The signal's against us. I said we should go. - Well, we can't just go.

I just told him that.

We have no idea what unseen perils like ahead.

What unseen perils?

Well, other trains, for instance.

Other trains? This is Hatley, not Kings Cross.

All right, suppose a cow has wandered onto the line?

Put your foot down and we'll all have steak for dinner, I say!

- Will you stop playing with your whistle? - Sorry.

Harry, what's going on? There's a train been stuck outside...

What's happened to you?

I bent down to pick up a penny and my back went.

You poor thing.

Well, don't just stand there. Do something, help me!

Just a minute.

There you are, then.

I don't want the penny. I want you to help me into a chair. I'm in agony.

Right.

Aargh!

Is that better?

How can it be better? It's excruciating.

- What do we do about the train? - You'll have to pull the lever for me.

It's the second one from the right.

- It won't budge. - Grip the hand release at the same time.

Hand release. Right!

Right, Ralph. We're off.

No, stop!

Go.

Stop!

Go.

Stop!

Make your ruddy mind up.

This lever's got a mind of its own.

All the way. You've got to pull it all the way.

I'm trying to pull it all the way.

Right, Ralph. It's definitely go this time.

At last.

This is Hatley, Hatley, Hatley.

Change here for Busten and Wenstead.

Ooh!

Right away!

- Back at last, Mr Skinner. - Hello, Mr Parkin.

A word, if you please, in my office.

I'll be with you in a minute. I've...

- Now, Mr Skinner. - I'll only be...

Now!

Where's Jack? We've got an emergency.

What on earth's happened to you? You look all hot and sweaty.

I've been up in the signal box, pulling Harry's lever for him.

You shouldn't have done that. He'll be ever so upset if he finds out.

- He asked me to. - He did, did he?

I see.

Mr Skinner, I am trying to run an efficient station here.

For some reason, you seem to think it perfectly acceptable to swan off without permission.

- I wasn't gone long. - That is not the point, Mr Skinner.

You cannot just desert your post like that.

Suppose I decided to walk out. What do you think people would say?

Hooray?

Mr Skinner!

Mr Parkin, I know what you're saying but Wilfred was covering for me and it was an emergency.

I had to see a sick relative.

I understand you went to see a bookmaker.

We can't choose our relatives, Mr Parkin.

Please spare me the colourful invention, Mr Skinner. He was not a relative.

And sneaking off to see a bookmaker is just not right.

You're right.

I don't think you appreciate how serious this matter is.

I should report your actions to Mr Orkindale.

- So report me. See if I care. - What?

Report me. I don't give a stuff. I can't be doing with all this aggravation.

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Are you prepared to jeopardise your career over this?

Career? You call this a career?

Emptying fire buckets and blowing a whistle at silly trains?

Silly... Silly trai...?

You ought to give this some thought before you say any more.

I have given it some thought, and as far as I'm concerned you can stuff your rotten old job.

- What? - Yes, we don't need it.

May and I can go and live somewhere else. There are other towns besides Hatley.

May...

So, you see, Vera, I had to pull his lever for him. He could hardly move.

Dear.

And he can't get down the stairs. He's going to have to sleep up there.

I thought he did that anyway.

No, I mean at night.

Jack, have you heard about Harry?

Who gives a stuff? May, a word.

That's charming, in't it?

- Where've you been? - To the bookies in town.

That would explain what's happened to my ten bob.

Ten bob?

Did you or did you not steal ten bob from my purse?

No, May, I borrowed it. I would've asked, but you weren't around.

I know. That's what makes it stealing and not borrowing.

All right, I'll give it you back.

Here's a fiver. Keep the change, I've got plenty.

Good God!

How much you got in here?

I'd say there's around twenty grand.

From a ten bob bet? What sort of odds were they paying?

It's not from the horses, May. It's from the embankment. I found it.

It was just lying at the side of the track.

- You're not going to keep it, surely? - Why not?

Because it must belong to somebody else.

Look, May, don't you see? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

The chance to get ahead for once.

This time, our toast has landed jam-side up.

Jack, this is stealing.

Now, you may be many things, but you're not a thief.

- A minute ago, you said I was. - Ten bob from my purse is one thing.

But this is something quite different and you know it.

Yeah, you're right, of course.

So, are you going to hand it in?

- I suppose so. - Good. I'm proud of you.

But leave it a day or two?

- You never know, there might be a reward. - Right!

By the way, have you seen Parkin? He was looking for you earlier.

Parkin? Erm... yes. It was nothing. Just the usual.

Good.

Heck, Jack, lad. Now what are you going to do?

A final flutter, it's my only chance!

There. You're as snug as a bug in a rug, Harry.

I hope nobody finds out about me kipping up here. I could get shot for this.

Well, with you bent double as you are, they'd probably miss.

Look at you. You look ever so cosified.

Would you like me to read you a bedtime story?

No, I'd like you to go home.

I could always stay with you and keep you company.

Haven't I suffered enough?

Argh! My back!

Hello, Harry. Any better?

- No. - Never mind.

I've brought you a nice bowl of soup for your lunch.

- No!

That's the Swinthorpe train!

Quick, get Ethel right away!

Never mind Ethel.

Well, you don't hang around railwaymen without picking up a thing or two.

Hatley Station, Station Master's Office.

Good morning, Mr Orkindale.

Really?

Well, no, I'd heard nothing about this.

Good heavens!

Well, how dramatic.

Yes, yes, of course I'll keep an eye out.

Yes, I'll make sure all my staff know.

Thank you, thank you.

So, I don't suppose you lot would have heard about all the excitement we had yesterday?

Yeah. We won, 3-1.

I'm not talking about your football, Wilfred.

I'm talking about all the drama when we got to Clumberfield.

Why? What happened?

All these police cars pulled up outside the station and surrounded the train.

Hundreds of rozzers. And they got on the train and led these two blokes away in handcuffs.

Had they been travelling without tickets?

No, my lovely. They'd been distributing forged five pound notes.

Sorry.

Apparently, they'd printed thousands. But the police didn't find nothing on them.

- The villains slung the evidence off the train.

Ooh, I wouldn't mind some of that! Would you?

No, we could go to London and the shopping in Carnaby Street.

- Then down the Kings Road. - Fab!

You wouldn't want any of this, believe me, my lovelies.

If you were caught spending it, they could do you as accomplices.

- Gloria, where's your father? - He said something about going into town.

I'll be back in a minute.

If I could just have your attention for a moment, I have a very important announcement.

Is it about them two forgers who got taken off the Clumberfield by the police yesterday?

I suppose you want us to keep our eyes open

for any suspicious characters trying to pass forged five pound notes?

Well, is it?

Jack!

What have you done?

Mr Skinner, I've just had Mr Orkindale on the telephone,

and you'll be pleased to hear I didn't tell him about our discussion.

Aye?

Have you taken my advice and thought any more about your somewhat rash decision?

I have, yes. Do you know, for a while, I thought I might have to come begging for my job back.

But thanks to Salad Days, Arctic Storm and Svengali all romping home at Lingfield,

I am happy to report that you can still stuff it!

All right?

Right, that's a hundred quid to go back in the bag. And the rest, you're coming with me!

Heck!

May! May!

- May! - What's up, Jack?

- Have you seen May? - No, why?

- May, what the hell's going on? - It's a good fire, in't it?

- What are you playing at? - I'm keeping you out of prison.

- What are you talking about? - All that money in the bag's forged.

- Forged? - It means it's not real.

I know what it means.

I'm just destroying the evidence in case they name you as an accomplice.

Here, Parkin's on the warpath. He wants to know why nobody's on duty.

- What's this all about? - She's keeping my dad out of prison.

- This'll have to go, as well. - May, no! I've just won that money. It's real.

- You what? - Fire! Fire! Wilfred, get a fire bucket.

Fire! Fire!

Who shouted, "Fire"?

Look at that.

I can walk again.

It's a miracle!

Give me that.

- It's empty. - I know. You told me to empty it.

- You should have filled it up again. - You never told me. Shall I do it now?

It's too flamin' late now.

Mrs Schumann! Mr Skinner! Where is everybody?

Heck!

Why is nobody doing their job?

Job? Heck, my job!

Sorry about that, Mr Parkin. I had one or two things to sort out.

I've been giving my position here at Hatley some serious thought,

and you'll be delighted to know I've decided to stay on.

You told me I could stuff the job.

But that was in the Northern sense.

You know, "stuff" as in "keep it open for me".

- I'm not convinced. - But what about May?

- May? - Yes.

If we have to go, you'll never sink your teeth into one of May's cherry Bakewells again.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Well, you know how I feel about this station, Mr Parkin. I love it.

- Yes? - All them fire buckets and trains and that.

And I'm never as happy as when I'm humping big, heavy parcels about and waving my flag.

That's not the impression I get, Mr Skinner.

What do you say, then, Mr Parkin? What do you say?

♪ Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch, but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike, cos I can't afford a car

♪ Doctor Beeching, what a naughty man you are

♪ Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch, but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike, cos I can't afford a car

♪ Doctor Beeching, what a naughty man you are