Original subtitles

Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine,

you are lost and gone forever.

These armadillos are getting to be a goddamn menace. Why don't they just

build cars out of armadillo skin?

Well shit Larry, that's a million dollar idea you got there.

Be a real shame if someone stole it from you.

Someone's coming.

Afternoon, boys.

I appreciate your service, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take it from

here.

Found by us.

I said, I'm gonna take it from here.

I've recently been handed a rather bleak diagnosis and may not have much longer

on this earth, so I thought to myself, what a perfect time to adopt a baby.

What's going on here?

What is the Special Division Force?

I told you, we take on cases.

I know what the official explanation is, but I want to know what we're really

doing. Right now, our only job is to follow the orders of the Vice President.

Vice President Perry?

The man who not only threw me into jail, but whose administration has been

plagued by scandal since he was elected?

He's no John Nance Garner, but he's the only vice president we've got. John

Nance Garner?

He's barely Skylar Colfax.

Sir, how do we know if we're even the good guys?

Tribeca, look me in the eye.

We are the good guys.

I stole the dead teacher from the cops. Now what?

His name is Charlie Cleff.

Come on, Hoffman. Sorry, Murphy, above your pay grade.

He was a beloved computer science teacher at Freddie Prinze Junior Senior

High School in Amarillo, Texas.

He was also the most prolific distributor of malware and computer

exploits in the Northern Hemisphere.

His clients included terrorist organizations, hostile foreign

governments, and people who want to see celebrities naked.

So now he's dead. End of story, right? Wrong!

Beginning of story.

Cleft had just put the finishing touches on a particularly damaging computer

virus. The kind of thing that shuts down power grids and publishes your browsing

history.

So now he's dead. End of story, right?

Wrong!

Middle of story!

His death provides us with a unique opportunity to take his place.

and flush out a high-profile buyer who recently expressed interest in... What

was the name of the virus?

Lamar Modem.

Tribeca will impersonate Clef and try to make contact with the buyer while the

rest of us infiltrate the high school genre in supporting roles.

I have one question.

One sec!

Any questions? Uh, yes. Will you be taking questions?

At the end. Anything else?

Is Vice President Perry a crook? I am warning you, Tribeca!

Now get to prosthetics for your disguise fitting!

Yes, sir.

Hey, what the hell's with you?

Don't talk to me like that. I didn't raise you to be disrespectful.

You didn't raise me at all. So it didn't come from me. Look, I read your

autobiography, okay? I know that you're a lone wolf that doesn't trust the

system, but I care about what we're doing, and I expect you to care about

it, too. Maybe I'll care if I can figure out if we're actually fighting for the

right side. Oh, okay. Well, that's just great. Well, you know what? Besides my

birth, this is the first thing you and I have done as mother and son, and if

that's not enough for you to care about this...

And I guess it's high time that I pick up a few bad habits and fall in with the

wrong crowd.

Let's do this.

You were born Charles John Jacob Jingleheimer Clef in Plano, Texas, on

December 12, 1961.

As an only child, you craved your parents' approval, and as an adult, you

seek that approval from your students.

Your intellectual proclivities unfulfilled the banal environment of

secondary education.

You turned to the more challenging world of malevolent software programming.

Favorite food?

Pizza.

Let's see what we got.

Perfect. Wow.

This is going to take some getting used to.

Now remember, kids are very different nowadays.

They're very confident, they're sex positive, they're body positive.

And some of them have unwarranted high self-esteem.

If it's so unwarranted, why am I so great?

Good luck, Tribeca.

Or should I say... Mr. Cleff!

Yes, Delroy.

I can't get my subroutine to run.

It looks like there's a parsing error in line 19.

What's the error?

Well, if I told you that... You wouldn't be teaching, you'd be telling. That's

right.

All right, everybody.

Website's due Friday.

Mr. C, can I have... No, Tommy, you cannot have an extension.

You're the best, Mr.

C.

Charo Schultz, you're geniuses.

This is gonna be a piece of cake.

I knew it.

Come on, Mr. Cleff, we're gonna be late for practice.

What practice?

You're so funny, Mr. C.

Glee Club practice, you're the coach.

We've got a problem.

It's a beautiful day for football practice as the Freddie Prinze Jr.

Senior High Squad runs their plays against DeMock Defense.

The other team's in some hot water this week after a local paper ran an

editorial suggesting that their team name was offensive to Native Americans.

I don't know how they got there from drunken engines, but hey, I'm just a

football fan.

No!

Jesus!

11!

Take your ass over here!

It's a simple read option. You look for the hole.

If it's not there, you pitch to the running back.

Durfee wasn't in position. I don't want to hear about Durfee.

His parents are divorcing. He may be a step behind for a while.

Your dad cheated on your mom, so she's kicking him out, but that's not your

fault, so don't take that out on him.

Thanks, Coach.

Get the showers, buddy.

Now run it again!

This time with your head on the outside of your ass!

Yes, sir.

Yes, Coach.

Oh, hey, coach.

It's Mr. Clef, who, when he's not busy selling malware, apparently runs the

Glee Club.

There you go.

Damn it!

How did we not see that coming? I don't know, but I did not study up on anything

but computer science. I don't know anything about F-sharps and G-minuses.

Look, Tribeca, we are here to stop the spread of computer viruses, so you just

hang on till you get contacted by the buyer, and then we will tell the kids

their teacher's dead, and we will get the hell out of here.

Fine.

All right, everyone.

Well, obviously, I know your names, but maybe just for fun, you guys can sing

your name and then the thing you're gonna overcome before the big concert.

I'm Maria.

Pills and depression.

I eat my own hair.

My uncle makes me... Okay, all right. Next.

I'm Pradeep. Arranged marriage to a girl that I do not love.

I'm Peter.

And there's a...

We don't need to hear from everyone.

All right, so should we pick it up from where we left off last practice? Last

practice, you said that you were going to write a brand new song for us to try.

I did.

I did.

Okay. And yes, here it is. I hope that you like it.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Oh, my God.

I love it.

All right, great.

All right, should we try it?

Okay. And a one, and a two, and a...

No, sir. I have not heard from the buyer yet. But I did listen to the worst

singers in the history of the world. I delivered a baby, and... Yeah, I can

ask, but I think the grandmother's raising it.

Now, if I could just find some decent confiscated snacks.

And pay dirt.

All right.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Okay. Love you, too.

What the hell happened with tracking my target? He got totally spooked. Now,

now, Tribeca, have a seat. Help yourself to a burger.

I don't want to point any fingers, but she messed up. Let's not play the blame

game!

Cards takes forever.

How about Cards Against Humanity? I masked my IP address with triple DES 168

-bit encryption.

My little brother has triple DES 168-bit encryption.

Your technology is so two days ago. At least I've lost my virginity. So have I.

He just lives in Europe.

Knock it off, you two!

Oh, it's eight players. That won't work.

It'll be a miracle if he shows up at the loading dock tonight.

Where's AJ?

School was out, like, 20 minutes ago. I'm afraid AJ's having a hard time here.

He's falling in with a bad crowd.

Lana likes what she sees. I don't know about these clothes.

Oh, trust me, those shorts squeeze you in all the right places, and in one

place, it's very, very wrong.

Here, take a hit of this.

What's in that? Nothing much.

Glucose, electrolytes, some B vitamins.

What if they test my urine?

That's what this is for.

That's a clean urine, in case they test you. Yeah, I know, I know.

Okay, guys, let's log some miles.

What are you doing?

Oh, shoot, it's my mom.

Wait, Mr. Clef is your mom?

No, I meant to say my moon.

Mr. Clef is your moon? That sucks. Where do you think you're going? You are going

to get off that bike, and you're coming with me this minute. The only place he's

going is Stony Brook Bike Path.

So back off, old man. I would watch that mouth, young lady. What are you going to

do? I'm already accepted at Stanford. You look ridiculous. This is how you

want to spend your time? At least these people believe in what they're doing.

All right, let's go, AJ.

And you know what?

You do a good job today, I'm going to teach you how to shave your legs.

Sorry, Mr. Clef.

I've got to go.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yeah, sure. Let's come on in. Take a knee.

You know, this is a big case we got going on here, and there's a lot of

pressure on everybody.

Yes, sir.

I'm just a little worried your head's not totally in it.

Charo gets under my skin.

Charo's young. She's hungry.

You just concentrate on what you have.

Wisdom, experience, and a smile that could light up New York City.

Okay. I'll try.

leave tryout there with the dirty jockstraps. You get her done, you hear?

Yes, sir. Now drop and give me 20.

Hello, Mr. Clef.

Who's there?

I'm Claude Merlot.

Do you have the virus?

Where are you?

I can't see you.

Do you have the virus?

Yes, I have it right here.

But you need to expose yourself.

Okay, I'm doing it.

Put the virus on the ground.

Not until I see your face.

The National Glee Club Championship is tomorrow.

This high school has won every year in the past 12 years under Charlie Clef's

coaching. If you are who you say you are, your team will win, and then we

will make the exchange.

Yeah, well, if that's what you want, fine.

It's no problem with me. I mean, I was planning on winning anyway.

Until tomorrow, then.

By the way, I'm not in this dumpster.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. No, no, no, no, no!

You're sharp, you're flat, you're breastfeeding, and you're, like,

amazing. Oh, I know. I was just faking it before.

What is it going to take for you people to get your act together?

Peter? If you miss your mark one more time, I am going to thwack you over the

head with your own... I am trying, okay? Todd's wheelchair's in the way.

Seriously, Todd. Just stand up and do the choreography.

Whoa! That is way out of line.

Todd has plantar fasciitis, okay? You have no idea what it's like to be in his

orthotic shoes.

I'm okay.

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm guessing that I used to be really good with kids.

But the Mr. Clef who woke up yesterday morning?

doesn't have a clue about how to connect with a child.

I thought it'd be easy, you know, feed them, water them, shear them when they

get wooly.

But it turns out... it's more than just that.

You have to listen to them.

And you have to pretend the things they care about aren't stupid.

Well, that doesn't come easily to me.

Suddenly... in the last two days but the national championships are this

afternoon and the stakes of winning have never been higher so let's make a deal

you guys try not to be terrible and that would be great

who's in

sorry

You have to say it, but I think we have no chance of winning this tournament.

Merlot's going to know I'm not the real Clef. Stop eating your hair! I can't!

And now, the final club of the night.

the 12-time defending national champions the freddie prince jr senior high school

martha plimpton happy

birthday to you

happy birthday to

Thank you, AJ.

Don't worry about it, Mr. Clef.

Hey, it doesn't matter that we lost.

You should all feel really... Hang on, Mr. Clef. May I have your attention,

please? The winning team has been disqualified.

Has been found in one of the students' backpacks. First place goes to...

Freddie Prince Jr.

Senior High, Martha Plimpton!

Good job, Peter!

What are you talking about, Mr. Clef? You have us planted every year.

Yes, I do Peter.

Yes, I do