Original subtitles

[crowd booing]

[whistle blows]

[Arlo] You're hearing AFC Richmond being booed lustily by their home fans,

and you have to say, not without good reason.

2-0. We're better than that!

[Sam] Jamie.

Jamie. Sorry, I didn't put that cross where you wanted it.

Ah, forget it, mate.

Hey, would it be too forward if I gave you some advice

that might help improve your game?

No. Anything.

What you need is get a time machine

and go back to the moment

when your mom was about to fuck a sad man

with no athletic talent.

Pull her off him, fly her to Argentina,

and drop her onto Maradona's cock.

Hope that helps, mate.

Right, that's it.

Oi, I'm done with you being a prick to everyone.

Ooh!

So either I beat up an old man or I let an old man beat me up.

Fuck it. Let's go.

[Roy] Fucking-- [shouting indistinctly]

-Hey, hey, hey! -[players shouting]

Easy, easy now! Coach, tell these boys what the first rule of my fight club is.

-No fight club! -No fight club.

Okay? You understand?

For the love of Pistol Pete, y'all. We still got a second half to play.

Now, please, sit down. Everybody.

Gaffer saved you, old man.

Call me old...

one more time.

[player takes deep breath]

Sorry...

granddad.

-I'll fucking kill you! -[all shouting]

♪ Yeah, it might be all that you get ♪

♪ Yeah, I guess this might well be it ♪

♪ But heaven knows I've tried ♪

[Rebecca] Table 4 is done,

and shall from now on be known as "the boring table."

But that's where I'm sitting.

-Oh. -[groans]

I haven't placed Elaine Kenner.

Awful woman.

She won't be attending tonight. She was kicked in the face by her horse.

Oh, that poor thing. Is the horse okay?

-[whistle blows] -[Ted] Mm, mm, mm.

Looks like we still got ourselves a team divided here.

Coach, you know what I'm thinking?

-West Side Story? -You know it. Sharks and Jets.

Think they could solve their problems with a dance-off at a gymnasium?

[chuckles]

Of course, if memory serves,

Riff and Bernardo ended up getting knifed to death at that event.

No, they didn't die until the rumble afterwards.

Oh, right, right.

When I was 15, I was understudy for Anita.

All-boys school.

Mm. We have peeled yet another juicy layer of the Nathan onion.

-[Rebecca] Coach Beard! -Uh-oh.

For dinner tonight, it's either chicken or steak!

You can't tick both!

Okay!

Busted.

-And Ted! -Uh-oh.

-Yeah? -I need to know who your plus-one is!

Oh, well, that'd be Mr. Two Entrees here.

No, he's already bringing a date!

Hey, you free tonight?

Oh, I'm free every night, yeah.

Okay. I'm gonna bring Nathan!

-Who? -Nate the Great!

He's gonna be my date!

And for obvious reasons, we'd love to be at Table 8!

No!

And Beard, you're having chicken!

[muttering]

-[knocking on door] -[Ted] Hey, boss.

Ooh! Pajama Friday? Wish I would've known.

You're gonna get a kick outta this. When I was 17--

Ted, let me stop you there

before you tell a folksy anecdote about you and pajamas.

Okay. When you change your mind, let me know, 'cause this one is a doozy.

Sorry, was there anything you needed?

Yeah, I was wondering if me, Roy and Jamie could all sit at the same table.

-Is that possible? -Yes.

Great! I got some fences I need to mend and I think that'll do the trick.

-Ted, I just said yes. -Right.

Oh, God, that one's absolutely beautiful, but...

I don't think I can get away with that anymore.

Sure you could. Fashion's about confidence.

If I didn't have confidence, I never would've worn pajamas to my prom

and ended up in jail that night.

But you don't wanna hear it so I ain't gonna tell. I'll get outta your hair.

Probably all revved up because of the big shindig, right?

No, no, no. I'm fine.

I mean, even when Rupert and I were running the gala together,

I did most of the work myself.

So I'm not revved up at all.

I'm actually really feeling quite mellow.

Good afternoon. We have a huge problem.

Our musical guest, Robbie Williams, has canceled.

-God! -Oh, no. Who is that?

No, no, no. That's fine.

It's not a problem.

Let me think.

All right, here's what we're going to do, Higgins.

Tonight, when I tell everyone Robbie has canceled,

by then it won't matter

because you will have found someone better.

-There you are. -Right.

I am a world-class problem solver.

There it is. You got it. Catch it. Yep.

Oh! Look at that!

You got this, Higgins!

And Rebecca's grateful for all your hard work!

[Higgins] Thank you, Ted!

Mm.

No. I hate it, babe.

It's just not me.

There's no hood, no zips.

There's no graffiti.

No graffiti.

Mad. I look like a banker.

Not with trousers that tight, you don't.

Fine. A banker with a great cock.

Babe, if those existed, we wouldn't be together.

[Jamie scoffs] Whatever.

Okay. You'll get more endorsements when you embrace high fashion.

I'm trying to help build up your brand.

Jamie, no. What are you doing?

I'm doing...

style.

Yeah, people don't know it, but I'm good at this fashion shit.

-Are you? -Yeah, I'm like a progeny.

Oh, yeah?

Oi. Down, boy.

-[panting] -Mm-hmm.

That's a good boy. Find the treat, yeah?

Hey, hon.

Shoot, I was hoping I'd catch you.

Got your message.

Playing phone tag, it appears.

And you are now it.

Oh, hey. Guess what?

I'm wearing the suit you told me I should bring.

You were right, as always.

Ah, yeah. Okay, so... that's it.

I love-- I miss you.

And you go and give the little guy a squeeze for me.

I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Hey, hey. All right, now.

Gotta love a troubadour.

Here we go.

Holy moly, look at you. Whoo!

-Hope I'm not too early. -No.

Or too late. I was trying to go in-between.

No. You threaded that needle perfectly.

-Oh, good. -Yeah, nailed it.

Hey, let me ask you.

You one of those guys that likes it if your friends tell you

you got food in your teeth?

-Absolutely, yeah. -Good.

'Cause that suit does not fit at all.

-Really? -Yeah.

Oh, I was gonna buy one

but, you know, they're so expensive.

-I just thought I'd borrow my dad's. -I hear you.

Hey. We'll make a pit stop. Follow me.

Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

[camera shutters clicking]

What you looking at? Hmm? Hmm?

You boys all right?

How's my suit? All good?

This is great.

Hey, thank you for taking my picture. What are your names?

[excited chatter]

So you're Jerry, and you're Dave.

What you all came for.

Left eyebrow. Right eyebrow.

Confused look.

Now for the one you'll actually use.

[photographer] That's it, darling. How about a kiss?

[photographers] Ooh!

-[Keeley chuckles] Romance is not dead. -Guys, sorry, sorry. I just--

Gonna let them take a picture. I just need to get inside. Okay.

-[photographer 1] Rebecca, over here! -[photographer 2] Nice, ladies.

-[photographer 1] Over here! -[photographer 2] Perfect.

-[photographer 1] Now, look to your left. -I hate this part.

-[photographer 1] Lovely. Nice. -Hey.

Just put one foot in front of the other, yeah?

Then put your hand on your hip and make a claw shape.

-It's the most flattering. -[clears throat]

-[photographer 2] Give us a smile. -[photographers] Rebecca! Rebecca!

[in deep voice] Ah! Look at her! She's fucking fit!

[laughs]

[jazz music playing]

[music continues]

[guests chattering]

Don't strut. Let the suit do the work.

Yoo-hoo.

-Ted Lasso. My God. -Right back at you, boss.

I had a hunch you were gonna pick this dress.

And may I say, you are wearing the heck out of it.

-Thank you. -Check out Nate.

Looking dapper, huh?

-Great to see you again. -Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

-If you'll both excuse me. -[Ted] Yeah. Go do your thing.

Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Look, there's Beard over there.

-That's his new gal, Jane. -[Nathan] Ooh.

They met at his Friday night chess club.

Apparently, they liked each other's moves.

[chuckles]

-Oh, that wasn't a joke. -Was it not?

I guess it was.

-[photographers] Roy! Roy! -No. No.

Fuck off. Fuck you. No. No.

Yeah, I know.

Let's sit here.

This is gonna be so uncomfortable.

-I'm switching tables. -No, no, no. Hey.

Come on back here. This is my doing.

I Parent Trapped y'all. Take a seat.

Now, listen. You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half.

When it comes to locker rooms,

I like them just like my mother's bathing suits.

Only wanna see 'em in one piece.

We're fixing this.

Tell me what's the biggest issue you got with each other. Go.

He's a piece of shit.

If his brain was on fire, I wouldn't piss in his ear.

You don't need to be best friends to be great teammates.

Think about Shaq and Kobe. Lennon and McCartney.

Even Woody and Buzz got under each other's plastic.

Wasn't Woody cloth?

I appreciate you, but now's not the time.

You know what those duos had in common?

Mutual respect.

Y'all gotta find common ground.

-Who wants to get the ball rolling? -I do.

Nate, that's a very nice suit.

I think you look chic.

Oh, thank you.

It's only the second suit I've ever owned.

The first one was my suit when I was a naked baby.

Sorry, it's funny when Ted says it. I...

The term "birthday suit" would've helped you a ton there, yeah.

Okay. Come on, let's try again, all right?

-Hey, Jamie. You wanna go? -Pass.

-[Ted] Roy. -He's a piece of shit.

You gonna stick with that, huh? Okay.

Here's an idea that's gonna help a little or hurt a lot.

Who needs a drink?

Any progress with the musical guest?

I've talked to a number of agents and made a fairly extensive list

of those who cannot make it.

Process of elimination. We're on our way.

Hey, there she is.

You working on your speech, huh?

Rupert was always very good at the public speaking part.

Hey, here's a trick of the trade.

Just make fun of yourself right off the bat, a little joke.

-Folks will love that. -Okay.

So what should I make fun of myself about?

Right, right, right. Yeah, um...

You know, I...

You know what would be...?

No. I-- Okay.

You're not gonna walk into that one, Ted?

No, ma'am. Nope, nope, nope. Okay.

Good luck, though.

You know what? I thought of something.

No, no, no.

-Queen to rook four. -Ooh.

Wait, are y'all playing a game without a board?

Sorry to interrupt. My fault. Sorry. Carry on.

-Knight to king five. -[both chuckle]

[cheers, applause]

[Rebecca] Good evening,

and welcome to the 10th Annual Benefit for Underprivileged Children.

If I could hug each of you as a thank you for your kind donations, well...

I probably wouldn't, because, as we all know, I'm not much of a hugger.

[guests laughing]

Now, I do hope you've all brought your checkbooks with you

for our auction later,

because you can all bid

on our very own Richmond players.

[Rupert] Same rule as always,

no hanky-panky unless the player signs a waiver.

[guests laughing]

Rupert?

Hello, darling.

What a lovely surprise.

Oh, weren't you expecting me?

Only 'cause you RSVP'd "no."

Well, one of the perks of being a wealthy good-for-nothing.

Sometimes my nights just magically free up.

[guests laughing]

Oh. May I? Thank you.

Gals and gents, with your help, we raised 800,000 pounds last year.

And this year, hopefully, even more.

Well, I know I'm crashing your party, but I so badly wanna help.

My fingers and toes are crossed that you will have me.

Of course. Let's get him a seat at the boring table.

-Oh! -[Rebecca] Only joking.

Table 4. Rupert Mannion, everyone.

Thanks, doll.

Oh, my God.

-Thank you. -Oh, that...

-[laughing] -Nate, Nate, Nate. Come on.

Look, guys, this is a brand-new suit.

Rather than messing with me tonight, could you get me two times tomorrow?

-Roy said we're not allowed anymore. -He headbutted me.

I'm still dizzy half the time. The doctors told me not to drink.

[jazz music playing]

Ah! Shit.

Yet another reason shirts exist.

-[laughs] -Shut up, it's not funny.

Burned my nipple. Oh...

I wish I was that ice cube.

Hmm? I will be bidding for a night with you.

Oh, thanks, love. Yeah, it's just a date, though.

-It's not a whole night. So... -We'll see. [chuckles]

Mate, I've done these before.

If she bids over 3000, you will have to fuck her.

[laughs]

-Is that true? -You don't have to go all the way.

Just, like, some of the way.

Fingering.

Fuck you. Fuck this table.

Jamie, it was a joke.

It was a joke. Jamie.

What happened now?

Just the usual.

Jamie being a little bitch prima donna.

Roy, let me ask you something.

What were you like when you were 23?

Playing in this league, making all that money.

-Little bitch prima donna. -Yeah.

You know how they say that "youth is wasted on the young"?

I say, don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.

[Rebecca] Ted?

I just came up with that. I feel pretty good about it.

I just wanted to say thanks for talking to Colin and Isaac.

Why is your face so close to mine?

My initial plan was to hug you but I chickened out just now.

Right.

Oh, so...

-Okay, we're done. -Yeah.

Ted, I'd like to introduce you to Rupert Mannion.

-Mr. Mannion, how are you? -Oh. It's Rupert, Ted.

Especially for the man who's managing my club.

Used to be your club.

Oh, of course, of course, but...

it's still my club in here, love.

Love of a sports team is a lifetime obsession.

Kind of like your best friend's older sister, right?

But do me a favor. If you're in Kansas City

and come across a fella named Tom Dineen,

don't tell him I said that.

I love that.

I don't love our last two losses, though.

-Horrible showing. -Yeah.

-[Rupert] Had to say it. Wish I didn't. -It's okay. Who knows?

-Maybe we'll turn it around, huh? -Oh, my God.

I believe you. Do you believe him?

Night's gonna take a turn for the worse if you say no.

Of course I believe in Ted.

He's exactly what we've needed.

Not too much champagne now, dear. Gotta stay sharp for the auction.

Why don't you do the auction?

No, I couldn't. This is your night.

-We both know they'd rather see you. -[Rupert chuckles]

And besides, it's for the children.

For the children.

If you'll excuse me, I need to speak to the other guests.

I must say, I love that dress.

Oh.

It's very youthful.

Good for you for getting back out there looking like that.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Ted.

It's been a hard year for her. Is she okay?

-Oh, yeah, she's great. -Mm.

A lot of moving pieces putting together a thing like this, though.

And then she had this fella, Robbie Williams cancel on her, and--

-Robbie? Well, he's an old pal of mine. -Yeah. Mm.

I'm happy to text him.

-I bet you I can get his ass over. -I bet she'd love it.

I'll go track her down and run it up the flagpole, huh?

I'm sorry. Expression from back home.

-Just means I'm gonna ask her. -Fabulous. Showtime.

Go get them.

Can I get something stronger? Like a Jack on the rocks?

A double and a single in one.

A triple.

Ladies and gentlemen, slight change in plans.

I have been cajoled into being your auctioneer for this evening.

[guests cheering, whistling]

And our first victim is Jamie Tartt.

Babe, you have to win me.

I can't bid on my own boyfriend. I'll look pathetic.

Babe, it's 2020. Women can do anything.

No, it's not happening. Come on. You look hot. Go up there!

Young, gorgeous, charming.

-The bastard. -[guests laugh]

So we'll start with 5000 pounds.

I want him, Rupert.

-[guests laughing] -Oh! Five thousand from Cheryl Barnaby.

Richmond's premier breeder

-of Shetland ponies. -[mouthing]

[Rupert] Do we hear six?

Six thousand.

Oh, six. Thank you.

-Seven thousand. -Seven thousand.

Ten thousand.

-[guests gasp] -Whoa! Stunning.

And that applies to the bid and the bidder.

I don't think so.

-Twelve thousand pounds. -Fourteen thousand.

[Rupert] Fourteen thousand!

Sixteen thousand.

Eighteen.

Eighteen thousand. Do I hear any advance?

-Yeah. Twenty-five thousand. -Twenty-five thousand!

Going once. Twice.

Sold to Keeley Jones.

Why spend the time with your boyfriend for free

when you can have him for 25 grand?

-[laughing] -[mouthing] You owe me.

Hey. There you are. Getting a little fresh air, huh?

Yeah. Those rickshaw bike things are so silly, but they do look like fun.

-Yeah. -You ever been on one?

No, ma'am. My wife and I once rented one of those tandem bikes

on vacation a while back.

Not the best experience. She broke her arm and I...

Well, I chipped a tooth and I bruised my perineum. Oof. [clicks]

-Hey, you okay? -Oh, it's just...

That man, he knows me.

I used to think his blunt honesty was noble rather than what it really is,

which is just...

the cruelest way of hiding his own insecurities.

He'd say, "Wear this, eat that."

And I listened.

But now I'm alone.

I'm alone, Ted. Just like he said I would be if I left.

I don't want to be alone.

Hey. It's okay.

Okay.

[horn honks]

You wanna hop on this thing and get the heck outta Dodge?

Come on.

I wish.

Not right now. Thank you, though.

[horn honks]

Has he started the auction?

-Yeah, yeah. -Good.

I'm glad he's done that. We'll get much more money.

No matter what he does, they just love him.

-You wanna head back in? -No, you go ahead.

I need to freshen up.

I probably look like Robert Smith after he's woken up from a nap.

[both chuckle]

Very emotional man. Yeah. Okay, I'll see you inside.

[jazz music playing]

When I was coming up,

there was this old geezer at the club, Doug Stashwick.

He was always on me. Hated each other.

-Wanna know how we won the league? -No.

Same shit Yankee Doodle was peddling.

He sat me down and said, "Let's get it all out there.

You tell me why I'm a prick and I'll tell you why you are."

-You're a nasty bastard-- -No, I'm going first.

Even though I know I should pass to you...

you're so selfish and arrogant.

Every time I do, it makes me want to puke.

You know, I had a poster of you on my wall when I was a kid.

Used to love watching you play.

But you're not the player that you used to be,

and just because you won a few trophies,

you walk around here expecting everyone to kiss your ring.

Yeah, I can be like that.

Now's the bit where you admit to what I said.

-I don't wanna. -[scoffs]

Even if it is just...

a little bit true.

You and that Doug bloke, you ever become friends?

Fuck no. I hope he's dead.

To you dying.

[laughing]

Such a prick.

[guests laughing]

[in American accent] Howdy, partner.

[in normal voice] So you ask Rebecca what she thought about texting Robbie?

Know what? I couldn't find her.

I'd say don't worry about it.

If you change your mind, say the word, and... [imitates whooshing]

Sent. He'll be right over.

Top up.

Hey, Rupert. Something just occurred to me.

If you could've texted Robbie Williams, asking him to come tonight...

you could've probably just as easily asked him not to come.

That would've made me a piece of shit, wouldn't it?

Oh, hey, Ted.

Do you think Rebecca knows what the real Adele looks like?

I need to go on a little adventure and I need a copilot.

-And you want me? -Yeah.

Forget the rest, I need the best. Come on. Follow me.

[gags]

Thank you, by the way.

-Huh? -The...

red carpet photos are already online, and...

I actually look all right for once.

Oh. Glad to help.

Keeley? I think you should know

that the young woman that was bidding on Jamie

was actually his other plus-one.

Cheeky little prick.

Can I have a sip of your drink?

-Oh, yes. -Thanks.

Oh. In anything else, I hate olives.

I think the little, like, orange clitoris thing is really freaky.

-Have you ever dated a footballer? -[laughs]

-What? -Sorry.

I shouldn't laugh. It sounds...

judgy.

No, it's okay. You are a bit judgy.

So when I was 18, I dated a footballer that was 23.

[sighs] Now I'm close to 30,

and I am still dating a 23-year-old footballer.

[laughs] I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.

They are pretty fun, though. Simple, rich, fit.

What about "accountable"?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, everyone makes mistakes, but...

I was married to a man for 12 years...

who never once took responsibility for any single one of them.

-Hi. I'm Keeley. -Hi.

Hi, I'm Bex.

-Nice to meet you, Bex. -Nice to meet you.

Do you mind if I have a minute with this one?

[Bex] Yeah, sure. It's lovely to meet you.

She your new girlfriend?

Relax, babe. It's all part of the branding plan, innit?

If I've got two women bidding on me, it makes me look more valuable.

Do you know what I mean?

-It's fucking smart, eh? -[guests clapping]

And now, the only former Champions League winner on the menu,

say hello to Roy Kent.

Granddad.

And the highest bidder gets to spend a day

at a swanky hotel by the pool

drinking frozen daiquiris and soaking up the rays--

No, we said there's no daiquiris and no rays.

-[guests laughing] -Not gonna be a pool either.

We're not leaving SW14.

You looked so jealous. It was so cool.

Oh, you think jealousy is cool, do you?

Don't know, babe. I don't get jealous.

Can we have 100 quid

for what's turning out to be a very boring date?

A thousand pounds.

-[guests gasping] -Oh. Uh... any advances on that?

Two thousand pounds!

Ooh! Cheryl's got fire inside her.

Three thousand pounds.

Babe, you're just embarrassing yourself.

Four thousand pounds!

Five thousand!

Six thousand pounds.

-[Rupert] Any advance on six? -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-[Rupert] Okay, sold to Cheryl. -Whoo-hoo!

That concludes the auction, apart from one small surprise.

I am personally donating 1 million pounds to the cause.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

And that, I believe,

gets Rebecca over her goal of 800,000.

Thank you.

[guests cheering]

For the children, eh?

Rebecca. This here is Cam Cole. He's an undiscovered mega-talent.

Go on, Cam. Show them what you got.

-Are you insane? -Hey, Rebecca.

You do not wanna judge this book by its cover right here, okay?

Oh, the hell with it.

-[guests clapping] -Yes.

Hello again.

Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that...

Robbie Williams is unable to be here tonight

-due to an emergency. -[guests groaning]

But we have a brilliant replacement for you

who you are just going to love.

Or, at least, have lots to talk about on the way home.

Uh, all the way from outside,

please welcome Cam-something.

-[microphone squeals] -Oh, bollocks.

-What does that mean? -[playing rock music]

♪ Mama sweet mama nature ♪

♪ Please forgive us and what we've done ♪

Can we just forget about the game and go and have a dance?

Queen to king five. Checkmate.

♪ Please forgive us and what we've done ♪

♪ We've gone and hurt our mama ♪

♪ And her wrath has begun ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a good boy to my mama ♪

♪ But ♪

♪ I've got bad siblings ♪

-Thank you so much. -Oh, you're so welcome.

Thank you so much.

Good night.

Thank you again for such an unbelievable donation.

-See you again next year. -Can't wait.

[Ted] What a charmer, huh?

-[Rebecca] Indeed. -[Ted] Mm.

You may think that you're the only one that can see who he really is...

but you're not.

[car engine starts]

Oh, boy. You all right, buddy?

-Quick. -All right.

Fun night.

Hey, wait, hold on. Slow down, Coach.

Will you stop being mad at me now?

Hmm?

I'm sorry, babe.

Do you even know what you're sorry for, Jamie?

You always ask me that.

Hey, do me a favor.

Don't use me as a prop in your little fights.

Made me feel like an idiot.

[Keeley] I'm sorry. I...

I shouldn't have done that.

Thanks.

No one was bidding on you anyway, mate. Just fuck off.

Go on.

What are you saying sorry to him for?

Being accountable matters, Jamie.

[scoffs]

We're done.

I'll see you around.

[pop music playing]

Whatever.

[Keeley] Excuse me, can I take these?

Two?

[grunts]

Do you wanna get really drunk?

Yes, I do.

Then we can rob a bank or something.

Michelle and Henry are coming out next weekend.

-Hey, that's great, Coach. -Yeah.

So come on, tell me about you and Jane. What happened?

[Beard sighs] I did it again.

-Put the game before the dame, huh? -[Beard] Yup.

[Ted] When are you gonna learn, Coach?

-[Keeley shouts] -[horn squeaking]

[both laughing]

[pop music continues]