Original subtitles

Dr. Schweinemann was so right.

Isn't this romantic?

This bike weighs as much as a dead cow.

Who designed these bikes? Hitler?

My God.

They used these in the Tour de France? Well, everything is old here. It's part

of the charm.

Mine's broken, I think.

And I think it's going to rain. Why do you have to be so pessimistic?

I'm not pessimistique.

I'm realistic.

The exact same thing for you.

Where are we? What amadisman is this?

Why don't you ride next to me instead of behind me? Because I may as well be

riding alone.

Suit yourself.

I'm tired anyway.

Suit yourself.

Is my husband here?

No, madame.

We were worrying about you. No harm done.

What about Jacques?

Ready and waiting.

Brace yourself, pal. Look at that.

Madame, I'm doubling my fee.

Security men out there. You didn't let me in.

Of course not. We have the Lord Mayor of London coming.

Really?

Sexy. Can I say hello?

Well, he's coming with his husband. Too bad.

Today is mail, madam.

And this came by messenger.

I want some chocolate milk.

Then I'll have a tub of vodka on the rocks. See you in a minute.

Hi, silly monkeys.

Sean?

How are you, Maria?

Oh, Mr. Esteban, when did you get here? Just this afternoon.

What's happening here? Is it someone's birthday or something? Nothing like

that. Just a small dinner for 12.

Thank you.

Come on, Ross. You need to eat something.

No.

Please, Mr. Stephen, tell her.

What are you doing, Rose?

Starving yourself like mummy?

Skinny mummy, yes.

Well, don't.

Nobody likes a human toothpick.

We're going to find our dad.

Listen to your big brother and finish those potatoes, please.

Okay, try that.

Aren't you going to miss it?

Of course I'm going to miss it. This was your grandfather's greatest acquisition.

He'd cut my balls off.

Why don't you sell something else? You still don't get it. I'm hanging by my

fingernails here. I need the money.

Anne's costing you that much?

Sell her jewels.

You're not funny.

Would you want me to lend you something?

Could you?

50,000 just for a few days until the sale goes through?

I'll call Mum.

Don't do that.

Don't give her the satisfaction.

How is she, anyway?

Getting older and heavier by the day.

Richer, too.

Never leaves foggy London.

She voted Brexit.

Makes sense.

When you were born, she was nuts about Margaret Thatcher.

She said I had to vote for Reagan.

Did you? No.

We were in Athens.

Our last horrible year.

How's the writing going?

You know, my publisher's coming to Paris.

I've got nothing to show him.

He knows it.

So why is he coming?

Well, he writes off the Eurostar trip on one of his best assets.

It's time.

And what if that someone special is a mysterious, beautiful lady?

I'd rather undress you.

Well, you had your chance.

10, 11, 12, 13.

Exactly. Who did this?

I did.

Hello, Anne.

Welcome to Paris, Stephen. Please make yourself at home. Yes, and invite

yourself to dinner.

Bob invited me.

I didn't say a word.

Typical. Well, I am not having 13 at my table. It is bad luck.

What's worse, it's me. Sorry about that, Anne, but my father's really excited to

see me. Especially now as it happens.

Oh my God, get rid of those.

Anne, be proud of me.

How about I kill you?

Head down, rotate for a single axis.

See, I remember every word.

Admit it, I'm a fast learner.

So is my father.

Okay, add another place sitting. There's one more chair in the corner.

And hurry.

You look beautiful, Anne.

This one is better.

And this one.

Hey, stop.

All of you, turn around. Look at me.

I need another woman.

Madame? No. There's no other solution.

Madame. I am the maid.

Maids don't have dinner with the bosses. Oh, nonsense. You're part of this

family. I have a terrible accent. Your accent is charming.

But what will I say?

Well, that's not about talking. It's about sitting. You know how to sit,

don't you?

Now come.

We have no time to argue.

Okay, okay.

Okay, come on. No, no.

Here.

Let's see if this one fits.

We are not the same size, madam. What about Mindy? Mindy can do this. Maria,

be serious.

Mandy is a Filipino.

Nobody invites Filipinos to a dinner party.

Maybe Aung San Suu Kyi because she won a Nobel Peace Prize and she's from Burma.

That's different.

Mandy, she speaks terrible English and terrible French. I'm not even sure she

knows how to speak Filipino.

No, no.

We'd be found out in a second.

Found out?

Yes, we're not going to tell them you're the maid.

So what are we going to say, madam?

Nothing. Just act like a friend.

I think I'm going to faint, madam. I'm unable to lie.

No, no, no, it's okay.

All women can lie. It's all about smiling.

Like this?

And Josiane? What about Josiane? You just started here. I don't know her.

Josiane is very funny, madam. She knows how to make jokes. She even imitates

Sarkozy. She could be the perfect guest, madam. Josiane is at least 12.

You're pear-shaped, but you're not fat.

Okay, so we'll go with the pants you have on.

It's not a good idea, madam. Yes, yes, it is a good idea. Come on, Maria.

Come on.

We'll look back on this and laugh one day. It's gonna be like that time at the

chalet when Rose was two and you dressed up like Santa. Remember that? With the

beard? Jacques!

Okay, there you are. Now listen, make it not too big and not too showy. Just make

it quick.

What about her shoes?

What size are you?

I'm an eight, madame. Oh, my God!

Just... hide them.

No rich woman wears an eight. Louboutin doesn't even make an eight.

Stay.

Toby, welcome to Paris.

Glad they didn't stop you at the border. Oh, well, as Lord Mayor, I'm issuing

visas for London.

You say the word, Bob, I'll give you one. London?

Where is that anyhow?

It's Little England, former empire.

I remember now.

Rule Britannia. You must be Michael.

Bob Fredericks. Pleased to meet you.

Nice little place you have here.

Family pied-à-terre. Small but cozy.

Hi, Toby.

Fabulous.

Oh, hello, Michael.

My dears.

I'm sorry about the security detail.

It's Toby's favorite style statement.

Did you bring your food taster? What if we're serving poison tonight?

No news,

Bob. But calm down.

It's okay. It's okay.

Just give him another week and he'll be fine.

Antoine! Hélène! Remember what you did? So nice to see you again.

This place is so amazing.

Oh, Stephen.

I read your book.

Really? So very funny. Your father's naked, hole in one, and taking all the

credit, firing all his sexy girl caddies. Nothing's changed. They're

still punching Judy.

Congratulations on the re-election, by the way. Oh, yes, thank you. Keep going.

I like you being in this first family.

Well, don't you write about us?

Don't want the entire world knowing our every little secret. Yeah, don't worry.

I could be more blocked if we eat a pound of cement.

Put me somewhere nice.

I have, in the corner.

Look at that, eh?

Homemade.

Lovely.

The trick is to pretend you are carrying a Chinese vase on your head.

You walk, fall, and slope, and you shine, Maria.

You shine.

This is not going to work.

Merci. You know, baby, it's cold outside, so I think you're gonna need an

extra layer.

Mr. Steven, it's summertime.

Exactly. It's pie time.

Antoine, you still haven't told me how you want to deal with the press. It's

not every day Caravaggio changes hands.

There's no rush.

Is there?

Of course not.

We both have to be satisfied with the results.

The X-ray team are asking for another 10,000 euros.

We're sending the best people over from New York.

Bob, let us play the field with you.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't hear of it.

Just give me an invitation once it's on your wall.

I won't keep it at home.

It will have pride of place at my museum.

Once we know it's real.

Maria?

What is this nonsense? She's not going to work, madam.

Your friends, the Bonazzi, have been here before. They would have seen her.

They haven't seen her. Nobody looks at a maid.

Now come on out here, Maria, right this minute.

They will recognize me, madam. Well?

If they find your face familiar, they'll just think they saw you at a fashion

show. Madam, you know it's a sin to lie.

You're not lying. You're not hurting anybody.

It's like a part in our own little play. It's fun.

It's like being in a movie, except you're changing your life from ABC to

HBO. Do you get it?

No, really?

I'll make it simple. Avoid them. You're at the far end of the table anyway.

What about Jack? Jack could make a perfect guest, madam.

Wait, wait. Stephen, you have a dress I can wear? No, no, no. Forget it.

Okay? This is Bob's fault, and I want him to suffer. Now, Maria, let me look

at you.

Oh, my God. She's not even dressed.

Will you get her pulled together, please, and listen to me?

Don't speak too much, don't smile too much, and don't eat too much.

Yes, madam.

Don't drink too much, either.

Nobody likes that.

Trust me.

How do I rate amongst your students?

You're definitely not the most disciplined one.

You're the most tedious. You're the most tedious one.

The most studious one. Yes.

I wish I could think of something to say now in French, but I'm baffled.

You're always baffled.

And not always. You remember my French teacher. Ah, yes, Melanie.

Fanny. I'm Fanny. Oh, of course. How silly of me.

Don't worry about it. I'll answer to almost anything.

Don't speak too much.

Don't eat too much.

Don't smile too much.

Let's go, as if it were easy.

Are you out of your mind?

Who is that?

I want a name, or who is she really?

What are you talking about?

Well, she'll claim she's Maria Escalante, but the truth is she's Maria

Immaculata of the two Sicilies.

You're not serious.

Countess of Asturias.

The House of Bourbon.

Second cousin of Juan Carlos.

She'll deny it.

And I never told you.

Are you a fan of Caravaggio?

I love the Holy Family.

Good for you.

I keep a portrait of the baby Jesus by my bed.

Oh, by whom? I'm a big fan of the masters.

Let me guess.

El Greco?

Goya?

No, I've got it.

Dolly. I'm right, yes?

The artist doesn't matter so much.

It's the expression on the baby's face.

Yes, we mustn't take that for granted.

And the Holy Mother.

How she loves him.

Madame, le diner est servi. The dinner is served.

So,

tonight's a sort of a last supper in a way.

This may be the last time you say this painting.

I'm Burger and it's sale to Antoine Bernard.

Oh, Mr. Antoine.

He's the friend of the family.

Excellent.

Let me introduce myself.

I am David Morgan.

I live in London.

I am Maria.

No second name?

No, no, not tonight.

I'm a friend of Madame.

A friend of Anne.

It's me. Nora Ibisi.

Bon appétit. Bon appétit, darling.

So, being married to the mayor of London makes you what?

Everybody's asking.

Just another queen, I guess.

Wow, that's great.

You should carry a purse.

And what do you do for a living? I'm a hairdresser.

Oh, great.

No, I'm joking. Well, I used to be. Then I thought to myself, I can't be gay in a

hairdresser. Too much of a cliché, so I changed everything.

Oh, and you became?

A butcher.

Oh. I'm joking. He's a shrink.

He let you run for office?

I know.

Malpractice. So, France, Paris.

Why did you come here?

This house, for one thing. And my grandfather was French.

Oh. Had to keep a woman.

At some point, you have to satisfy their neuroses. Or satisfy her analyst in New

York. She talks about him? A lot of everyone.

I think the good Dr. Schweinman could teach Michael a thing or two. About

billing, no question.

Did you rehearse?

Or do you always speak this fast?

Yes, and in such a brilliant and sarcastic way. Years of training, my

dear. It's harder to lie when you speak fast.

I guess that's why my husband speaks so slowly. Is the Eiffel Tower as a sexual

symbol supposed to save your marriage?

I will ask him.

Do you really think love can last?

I mean, you're so smart. Could you still be one of those?

You have to let go.

Will flowers freeze and blossom again?

Don't be so cynical.

Oh, and what do you suggest?

Adultery, darling.

You're just taking the problem with you wherever you go.

Make a best friend of your husband and have lunch with me tomorrow No,

I'm French

Coco! Let me help.

It's only water.

I like to pour water on myself so women come and help me.

Looks like fun.

It's genetic.

When woman sees a stain, she must come and rub. You're funny.

I mean, for an American, obviously. Wow.

Every guy from Cambridge knows how to judge funny.

All the Englishmen I know think they're funny, but they never laugh.

I hate him. Yes, well, so do I. What do you think, Maria?

I don't like English people.

But I do like Hugh Grant. You know Hugh Grant. And Bridget Jones.

He's also the one dancing in love, actually. Like this.

I take you down. I take you down.

You're more, more, more.

Jump.

Jump in.

You know Hugh Grant. The beautiful one.

He has also an affair with... Shit, I don't remember the name of that bitch.

The prostitute.

Of course, we all know who Hugh Grant is.

You look like him.

Like Hugh Grant.

We all look the same from the same part of the world, you know?

Same face, same blue eyes, same funny teeth. That's beautiful.

Really beautiful.

Well, I don't like the stupid films he's in, though. Always happy endings and

kisses in the rain. You should not despise people.

People love happy endings, you know?

They can fight it.

The hero runs.

He kisses her in the rain.

People love that.

Would you ever consider running for prime minister? I thought supreme

leader. Would you ever run for president? If you were my first lady.

Are you in politics?

No. I'm a musician.

A classical pianist, to be precise.

Oh, great.

How old are you?

Nine and a half.

And you?

Thirty-two and a half.

Is that your father sitting next to you?

Oh, no.

That's Fedor.

the master i hope you enjoy dinner i'm so glad you could come does he speak

english oh no he never speaks frank and robin oh they're beautiful

just like their mother thank you you know it is so

hard to keep being sexy when you're a single mom it's a constant battle I went

to this great seminar about fighting for yourself last month. Justin Tender. Do

you know him? It was in London. Oh, my God. He is so spiritual.

Amazing. Anyway, he says that it all starts with food.

He also recommends that you drink less.

What, water?

Oh.

Ann told me you were funny. You know, she's been wanting us to meet for a long

time. Yeah, she's a force of nature, Ann.

Talk to me. This woman's a nightmare.

How do you know she's not my friend?

Well, if that's the truth, I'm going to fake a heart attack and get dragged out

of here by my ankles.

Say something to me. Talk to me. Tell me a joke or something. She's all over me

like a bad suit.

I don't know any joke.

Pick something up.

You're putting a lot of pressure on me.

Where's that charming accent from?

I'm Spanish.

I was born in Mallorca.

Asturias? I would have thought it was Asturias. My ancestors were from

Asturias. See?

And Celtic like you.

And where is your family from?

Oh, well, my family is from a very lovely county called Down.

My father owns most of it, you know.

He always wants me to get my art hobby out of my system and come back and run

the family estate.

You came here to escape your father.

Well, I came to London to be an artist, but I wind up being a consultant, so I

spend my life now flitting between hotels in New York and Paris and London.

To be fair, I don't know where my real home is.

Probably because it's still in Dean.

Dean? Down?

Down. Dean Down?

Sorry, David, I'm staying here for a minute.

Don't drink too much.

No, sir.

Madam told me what to do.

what not to do.

What's with this silly idea?

You must be dying here.

It's like me sitting in on a plumber's meeting.

I was supposed to sit close to madam, but I think somebody mixed up the place

cards. The scary fashion leader should be here. Don't talk like a maid.

Just yes or no, I tando.

Be really impossible.

Unpleasant. Yes, sir. Hey, Bob.

Maria's got some great jokes. I bet you didn't know that. No, I didn't. Yeah,

she was just about to tell me one.

Madame Bernard, would you like to hear one of Maria's jokes?

Yes, of course.

Don't force her. She's embarrassed and very shy.

I'm very unpleasant.

Oh, come on. You're very funny. And we're all friends here. We'd like to

hear a joke. Yes, come on.

Everyone's funny with a Spanish accent.

The only joke I know is very vulgar.

My uncle Pedro used to tell it when he was drunk. I don't think it's

appropriate. Oh, no, don't bother. Don't force yourself.

Come on, live a little. Tell us a joke.

Okay.

You want it, you have it.

A family's at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, Dad, how many cans of booze are there?

The father's surprise answers, Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons.

Round and firm.

In her thirties and forties, they are like pears. Still nice, but hanging a

bit.

In her fifties, they are like olives.

Onions, Dad?

Yes. You see them?

And they made you cry.

Hilarious. Wait, wait. I didn't finish it because I'm translating it straight

from Spanish in my head. Excuse me.

She's like Google translator.

The daughter asks the mother, Mom, how many kinds of wheelies are there?

The mother answers, Well, my dear, a man goes through three phases to... Love the

voice of the wife. Keep going.

In his twenties...

His willy is like an oak tree.

Mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, he's like a birch tree.

Flexible but reliable.

After 50, he's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree, Mommy? Yes.

Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.

Fantastic.

That's a rude joke.

It's not even funny.

I have a better one about Charissa. Do you want to hear it? No, that will be

fine. Thank you.

I mean, that's plenty. Thank you. You're so... She's so funny.

I can understand now why my dad is making so much progress in French.

And he took one look at you.

Said I want to learn French immediately.

No.

His wife forced him to learn la langue de Molière.

Thank you for this. It's become my instant favorite.

So you're the revenge.

I don't get it.

She used to be his golf teacher.

So, what do I need to wear to look more Parisian? Women are always asking me

that. No one can buy that.

That's why I'm asking for your advice.

Oh, I love what you did with the new issue, by the way. You were right. As my

grandmother always said, tell the truth, it's easier to remember.

You know, in therapy, I hear so many lies, contradictions.

But even your lies say something about you.

Yeah, I'm gonna marry you.

And what makes you think I would say yes?

Are all women mad about you?

The night is young.

Listen, sorry for ignoring you, buddy, but this girl next to me is really sexy.

It's okay.

I'm used to not talking, you know, with the door.

Go and get her.

Cheers, buddy. High five.

I'm not insured for high fives. No?

Are you allowed to touch boobs?

I guess so, but I've never had the opportunity.

I hope I'm not being too forward.

But I'd just like to say... I would love some.

You look absolutely beautiful tonight.

Thank you. How long have you been in Paris?

How long have you been sleeping with my dad?

Are you crazy?

I'm just his teacher.

Makes you your dad.

Makes you sound so childish.

You look like a child.

I'd really like to spank you.

Well, your dad warned me that you were rude, alcoholic, and unemployed.

Yeah, but I also have some really bad points. Did he tell you what those were?

You're very elegant, too.

Well, I'm the best in my price range.

Fanny, you're gonna be my new mother-in-law. Shh.

It's like you and your dad are the only two men on the planet.

Oh, I see.

Why would you want the egg when you've already got the goose?

I don't want the goose, and I don't like the rotten egg, actually.

Um... Dearest darling daddy, and, um, his ageless,

gorgeous concubine.

Stephen. Sorry, sorry.

Step-mum. Um, thank you so much for inviting me tonight to this, uh, uh,

amazing place.

Your generosity holds no bounds.

Actually, that is getting the time.

Anyway, not important.

I digress.

I'd just like to make an announcement.

My engagement to this amazing, beautiful, talented creature.

What's your name again?

Thank you. Fuck you. That's an unusual name. Don't be shy, honey.

Donna Maria!

Your Highness, I would like your blessing.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Well, dear guests, we have the great honor of sharing the table tonight with

a very young, talented prodigy, Gilles Durand, and his master, Fedor Krikinsky.

Gilles is only nine years old and needs to get some sleep because he's playing a

very special concert in Vienna tomorrow night. So, we will have dessert in the

music room after we hear some... Songs my mother taught me.

Arranged by the master.

Well, there you have it.

Please.

You said hardly speak.

I made them laugh, mother.

Even the scary fashion woman.

Mother, you heard that?

From the other side of the table.

Dinner's are my job.

I can follow five conversations at the same time.

And do you know what your job is, Maria?

You don't even know how to recognize laughter.

You don't know if you're making people laugh or if they're laughing at you.

I mean, can you tell the difference between and home?

So actually, you never really laugh.

You were supposed to play the part.

Of the missing guest. Silent. Forgettable.

If someone finds out about this, I will be embarrassed.

And so will they.

That they laughed at the maid's joke?

Don't you play the victim.

You know I'm a lifelong Democrat.

It's about their mindset, not mine.

I'm so sorry, madam.

Had too much to drink.

Wine is so delicious.

I've been drinking it like juice.

No.

Opryon 82 is an incredibly expensive juice.

We should go back before the music ends, don't you think, Mother? No.

No, I think that's enough for tonight.

You just, uh, you just go to bed.

Won't they wonder what happened to me? No, let me take care of that. We'll see

you tomorrow.

Thank you for everything, Maria.

Okay, Mother.

Do you want to help with the others, Clia?

Not tonight.

See you tomorrow, Mother.

Maria!

You look beautiful with lipstick on Thank you mother

Do it harder.

I'm so dizzy.

I'm so dizzy.

God, you stink.

This is outrageous, baby.

Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, look, look.

Thirteen at the table. And... Yes.

Because of Judas.

Thirteen. That's... That's why it's bad luck.

Where's Maria?

Gone to bed.

She was the belle of the ball.

him out of here. He almost ruined the whole evening.

But he didn't. And Maria. God, it was a nervous wreck. Did you see those shoes?

You know what?

Everyone loved her.

Don't ever do that to me again, okay? I'm in a horrible position. Hey!

You improvised.

You pulled it off. Congratulations.

David Morgan, he was flat out flirting with her. What's up with that?

Chill.

Congratulations. Hey.

Hello.

Sorry,

bonjour.

I think.

I just

get her number for you now. OK, hold on.

Hello? Uh-huh.

Yeah, no, no, I'll have it here, yeah.

0689139134.

Yeah.

Yeah, I will. I'll tell you when to say thank you.

OK, bye-bye.

Hey, Dad.

Guess what?

What?

Uh, uh, nothing.

Um, I just had a bad dream.

That's all.

What about your French lesson?

Stop it, okay?

I'm doing this for you, remember?

Oh, you're not learning French from me anymore. That's plain enough.

Sean, give Maria back her phone.

Let me be direct.

You are amazing.

Very cool, but red hot, too.

May I see you again? Text yes or yes, David M.

What? It's a wrong number, madam.

No one ever takes... It's David Morgan.

You're kidding.

He's kidding.

Excellent. I felt something the moment we met. My God!

Oh, I knew it. This is because of you. And you.

The Oscar goes to Maria. Here, somebody take this. I think I'm going to throw

up. Good luck. Maria.

Maria. This is not funny, Bob. Shut up.

What happened at the dinner? Something specific?

No, madam. Nothing specific.

He didn't play footsie with you?

Footsie? What is that?

What? You know, like... Oh, no, madam.

Madre de Dios.

He didn't touch you somewhere or make you touch him?

No, madam. Oh, God. Well, what is this all about?

What? It was something, I must say.

What thing?

I don't know. I felt something when he looked at me.

Yes, the Oprion.

The thing you felt inside was drunk, Maria, and nothing else. Here, I'm gonna

help you get rid of him.

What is this sound? Nokia?

You keep it for sentimental reasons?

I'm gonna get you a new iPhone for putting up with David's insanity.

Be kind.

Please do not insist. There.

I beat Rose.

Yeah, but I got an eight. Oh, how great you are, my little star. But you weren't

even watching me. You were talking to Maria.

Look, I tagged you all over my Instagram.

How many likes did I get? Oh, now go collect your clubs. Go on now.

Oh.

Meet me at the George V at 9.

Oh, my God, I am an idiot.

Oh. He's excited by your resistance.

He wants you in his bed.

But I thought the George V was a movie theater on the Champs-Élysées, madame.

No, no, not in this context. It's a hotel.

The George V Hotel.

A hotel?

I'll turn you into a frog. Oh, no.

Okay, I'll turn you into a princess, but only until midnight, then...

Abracadabra.

I don't trust her.

I think we should tell David the truth.

Don't. Not yet, anyway.

What do you mean, not yet?

Wait until he's verified the painting.

I don't want them thinking we're a household of liars. Yeah.

God forbid.

It's a real caravaggio, Ann.

Don't muddy the waters.

What are we going to see?

A horror movie, of course.

So you jump into my arms.

Madame, Anne, our friend, thought it was the Georgia Sun Hotel.

Anne does not know the first thing about romance.

Listen, Maria, there's something I must tell you straight off the bat.

I know who you are.

What I mean is... I know who you really are.

Somebody told me at the party.

I promised I wouldn't say who.

Oh, my God.

It wasn't even... It wasn't supposed to... Listen, it's all right.

I don't care.

It makes no difference to me.

Really? Yeah.

Do you honestly feel that way?

And they have a daughter.

Did he tell you that?

A princess, I'm sure.

Either topic, me or more.

You know they were supposed to destroy them.

It was a big scandal at the time.

Like everything new.

People are afraid when they can't link a feeling with another one.

And how do you feel right now?

Empty.

Let's make a wish.

Are you okay?

You look sad. No, cariño, no te preocupes. Estoy muy bien.

Your mother never been so happy in all her life.

Okay.

Now I'll pop this in FedEx, and you will have it by Saturday.

I wish you could come and see me.

A mí también me encantaría, cariño.

Muchísimo. Mira, mamá.

Look. A ver.

Where were you? Oh, you know, doing a little shopping at Galerie Lafayette.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Just starving, that's all.

Maria just asked me if she could go. She just left.

Mandy is with the kids.

Did she have makeup on?

Lipstick? A skirt?

Excuse me? Oh, there's something very strange going on with Maria. Trust me.

Okay. Can you tell me about it over steak? There's this nice bistro on the

corner. She is seeing him, Bob. This morning she came late and she looked

like she'd been fucking.

Oh, my God!

Come on, Bob!

My God, I'd hate to see it if there was a fire.

You move like a tortoise. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay, let's follow her.

Come on, turn it on.

Let's go. Now drive fast. Be like the French.

Go, go, go, go!

Oh, my gosh. Shut up.

Do not talk to me that way.

Parking! Go round the block, fast!

Go!

Someone's here again.

It's nice,

no?

Please, he can't be serious. Look, Bob, he's taken her to Le Petit Bistro de

Toy. Obviously.

I'm not blind.

That's one of my favorite restaurants.

I mean... At least it's food.

Can we go back home now? You can fire her tomorrow.

I can't fire her. She runs the house like clockwork.

Well, you trained her.

She's not a biochemist.

She's just a housemaid. You don't get it.

It takes, you know, at least half a day to learn how to fold my skirts alone.

You know? I mean, it's a mess.

It's a total fucking mess.

I think you're overreacting, but I'll talk to her. Could he be in love with

her? Is that possible?

Well, admit it. She's got a great ass.

Maybe vacuum cleaning's the new Pilates. She's terribly ugly, right?

I don't know.

She's got kind of charm.

Oh, my God.

Now, you too.

How about we both go in there and have our dinner?

She's the guilty one, not us. Oh, Tom.

He's good.

You see?

Everything's new to you.

You're like a kid, Maria.

And you have a play date after dinner.

Do you realize I'm a fervent believer, Davey?

Oh, I know.

I hear you calling for God when you're in bed with me.

Maybe I am a kid, but you?

You're a teenager.

Oversexed. The worst way.

I'll have you know, when I was a teenager, I was going to be a priest.

Oh, my God. You see?

You're doing it again.

Calling his name, I'm starting to get jealous, Maria.

It's like a slow-motion car crash.

I've never seen you this way.

Well, it's like my own little catastrophe.

She knows the color of our underwear. She cleans our sheets. She knows when we

have sex. She knows when I throw up.

You're still throwing up? Well, not in a major way. I just want to stay, you

know, sexy.

Hang on.

What are you doing?

Hunting.

Hunting for what?

I wanted to send you flowers.

What kind of flowers?

Well, give me an address and you'll find out.

Don't be afraid of me, Maria.

You and your family, I give you my word.

Complete and utter discretion.

Meanwhile, a gift.

They are perfect for your hair, for your eyes,

for your tattoo, my wild princess.

But, sir, I'm going to have to tell him the truth.

Don't. I think we were making fun of him.

I cannot afford that.

What, are we having money problems?

Absolutely not, monsieur.

That's what Bernard and his museum must have covered.

I'm only too happy to oblige. That is, if it's the real thing.

My pocket of kings' ransom.

So keep your mouth shut.

Finally, Dr.

Schweiman. Are you all right?

I saw your text about an emergency.

No, I'm not all right. I'm about to kill that woman. What's happening?

You in bed?

Yes, I am.

Well, it's the middle of the night for you.

Are you going to listen or just make stupid remarks?

It's the middle of the night. See?

Well, if you'd called back sooner.

Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Bob.

Bob, this is a private consultation.

Please.

Okay, I just... I mean, you know, I've had to fight my whole entire life

for everything.

Even men. How can this woman, this maid,

inspire such feelings?

Go on.

I feel so alone.

You know, even in a crowded room, I feel lonely, Doctor.

Are you serious?

Tell me the truth, Maria.

What is your secret dream?

Everyone's got a secret dream.

I give up on dreams, you know.

I have simple desires.

I want my daughter to be happy. Oh, tell the truth. Come on.

Everyone's got a project.

You must have a plan.

Well... It will sound ridiculous to you.

Sweetheart.

Anything you say to me will never ever sound ridiculous to me. So come on, what

is it?

I would like to invent the half pack of baking powder.

Baking powder?

Yes. I cook a lot, you see.

And no recipe uses the whole packet of baking powder.

None. It's always half of the packet.

Then you leave the rest in the cupboard.

But you don't use it never again because you're afraid it got spoiled.

Or you're not sure it's a real have remaining there. Perhaps more, perhaps

less. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I get the point. It's, um... It's

very smart.

Very smart.

You're a very unusual woman, Maria.

Yes, I am.

Maybe you could cook for me sometime.

Invite me back to your place.

You have that Velazquez.

I could come and appraise it for you.

You could take me to Madrid.

I could meet your family.

I'm brilliant at groveling.

Buenas noches.

Buenas noches, cariño.

Madre mía.

Qué rico.

Qué rico. Qué rico.

Qué rico.

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

Wow.

What's with the outfit?

Well, it was Dr. Schweiman's idea. It's an exercise to expunge my anger against

Maria.

Are you jealous?

Stop it.

Anne, you're a beautiful woman.

But that's not why I married you.

Am I not pretty anymore?

I think you're jealous because you're insecure.

Of course I am. We never have sex.

The world is full of young, pretty women, and Paris is the worst.

Shh. Shh.

We have doctor's orders, don't we?

I must get this.

How much time

do I have?

How was your evening?

You scared me, madam.

Is everyone okay?

You never up so early.

How would you know? Well, sorry.

I'm going to get breakfast right now.

What's in that bag, Maria?

In this one, madam?

Exactly. It's a dress from the dry cleaner, madam.

Hmm. And they gave it back to you like that, with no hanger or plastic?

It's for the dry cleaner. I wanted to take it yesterday, but it was closed.

Really?

You just said you picked it up from the dry cleaner.

Sometimes I get confused with my English, madam. Oh, no.

Your English is perfect.

Let me see the dress. This is the one that gave me the dress, Maria.

Yes, madam.

It's dirty, madam.

It belongs at the dark cleaners. No.

It belongs to me. But I haven't worn it in months.

And it smells like you with your cheap vanilla perfume.

It... I don't smell anything.

I trusted you, Maria.

I sat you at my table. I thought you were honest.

Just so I know, do you wear my underwear when he takes you to the hotel?

I don't understand.

Oh, you know I hate it when people cry.

I'm so sorry.

Just hurry up. The kids are going to be late for school.

I'm so sorry, Maria. I don't know what to say.

I am in love, and I just... Please, just stop it!

Okay? I am not your friend.

Try to put an end to this nonsense.

I am advising you to think of what's important for you and your daughter.

Yes, madam.

How is she, by the way?

Still very well, thanks, madam.

She's got the freestyle finals coming out.

Hmm. Well, I'm really proud to pay for such a nice girl's study.

Really? I'd hate to have to be forced to stop.

Stop

with

this phone.

Are you not cool?

I do not belong to this world.

He knows who I am. He doesn't know.

But the world does.

Is that the Filipino saying?

Maria, we serve, they eat. They don't love people like you or Jesse and or me.

We're slaves.

Same than slaves. How you can say such things, Mandy?

Are you crazy?

I'm worth as much as mother.

Even if I bring her tea on a train.

You better expect yourself.

We work for our king.

What does any of these have to do with love?

Like you're showing me the best baker in Paris as if you know better than I

would. Je voudrais deux croissants bien cuits.

Is that right?

All right.

Let me order something else. Quoi?

Madame, s'il vous plaît, deux pains au chocolat et une baguette.

How do you say lemon tart?

Tarte au citron.

No, no, no. We don't. We stop. On va devenir très gros, là, Bob.

Oh.

So, what do you think, boy or girl?

Well, let me see.

You're trying to play a trick on me here.

I can feel there's twins in there, no?

Oh, my God.

It's unbelievable.

I told you she was amazing.

When there is two, I cannot tell if boy or girl. Isn't it better than

ultrasound? Yeah. One of you is worried.

One of you is in love.

You don't have to worry.

He's going to call and ask you away for the weekend. Finally, George Clooney is

going to call me.

What else?

Well, you should go.

You should say yes.

Life wasn't always nice to you and will not always be, so enjoy now.

I don't know who she's talking to, but one of you is going to have a nice

weekend. Maybe it's you.

The woman I'm talking about knows exactly who she is. Should we open the

presents, madam? Are you drunk, Maria?

foreign

And the rest don't have a soul and they look like they're possessed by the

rhythm of the matantra. And the DJ who knows him plays the tune of the song for

Diego, the most desired song. And he dances, and he enjoys, and he sings.

You Americans and guns, we can't fight it.

Well, they give us guns at 10, so we're not tempted to play with the toy pistol

between our legs.

And does it work?

The guilt works.

I always have a little guilt when I'm having sex.

How delicious that must be.

You must tell me all about it.

Why so beautiful?

Is it the hotel?

No, my dear, it is not.

I want you to witness my big announcement.

Check.

What has got into you?

Let's have sex, huh?

Or let's run away.

We can have sex tonight and we can run away tomorrow.

Come on.

about chess is the vision. You know where you're going, but nobody else has

a clue.

There is no such thing as vision in chess.

Only options.

Well, I have my own shortcuts, my lucky trick. Lay down for a minute and smell

the flowers. What is going on?

I can't go in there.

You're ashamed of me.

Of course not.

David, you know me.

You know who I am.

I cannot mix with these people. I can't.

Darling Maria, it is the 21st century.

Queen Elizabeth has dinner with Jay-Z.

Come on, let's go. Stefan Zweig said that he loved chess because it had

nothing to do with luck.

I want to be comfortable.

Believe me.

Ah, Maria!

You're amazing. Does every child in the world love you?

Let's play.

Ah, gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please. I bring news from

London. Your painting has been authentified.

Hallelujah.

Congratulations, mon but.

Oh, thank you.

We have many things to celebrate today.

First, our friendship.

To our wives.

To our families.

And let's not forget Michelangelo Meresi da Caravaggio.

That rogue.

And master fornicator.

At least he had fun.

Taste it.

It's one of the greatest wines in the world.

Bourgogne.

To life.

To life. To life.

To life.

Thank you.

They are both with a nice Portuguese nanny, going down for a nap.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my gosh, you must have the magic touch.

Shazam! Maria, tell us about yourself, the mysterious woman who stole David's

heart.

Or his liver.

His heart is difficult to steal.

Yeah, my heart is easy to steal, but it's hard to hold.

I'm Irish, after all. When did the Irish become experts in affairs of art?

They're supposed to be happy drunks.

The French do adultery, and the English do spanky-spanky. And the Americans,

they have sex like they're in Vietnam, a third-world country, and then have to

pay for it afterwards.

I can explain it.

In France, we choose adultery so we can stay married to our beloved wives.

And the English, well, after 20 years of getting punished in boarding schools...

fighting their homosexual feelings, they only have the guts to speak to one girl.

That's it. They're settled for life.

What do you think, Maria?

Well, I'm an old-fashioned Spanish.

I do believe marriage is an important matter.

So you don't lie to anyone?

Interesting. She's adorable.

It's like you're from the 19th century or something.

Because you think women were pure back then?

Did you ever read a book, David? Yes, and I'm nearly finished coloring it in.

Seriously, vice has been around since human beings themselves.

I needed an excuse to invent virtue.

So, Anne, tell me, how did you meet Maria?

She won't tell me.

Oh, no.

These two are very secretive about their friendship.

I don't even know when they met.

Why such a mystery?

I am their maid.

I have been cleaning their underwear and their toilets for about, what,

10 years now, madam?

No, no, we traveled when we were young together, and we ate at all the finest

restaurants. Tell me, did you eat at Alain Ducasse's new restaurant in Italy

yet, Landana?

Oh, my God, you must absolutely go there. The meat is amazing.

How can you eat so much and stay that thin?

She was always like that.

She was born like that. Beautiful.

Never ages.

She's a mystery.

Thank you, darling.

When are you going back to New York?

Oh, soon.

Are we... Are you leaving?

Yes.

One's over.

There's an investment back when New York I have to kill I'm going back to packing

taking the kids and the staff and heading home But that doesn't change

your feelings What's a few miles between friends

Oh

Maria

Do you realize what a mess we're in because of your behavior?

I never asked for anything, madam.

He just... Well, that's good you didn't ask.

You're a housekeeper, not a prostitute.

It's not what you think it is, madam.

He's deeply in love with me.

True love.

He told me.

The way he holds me during the night.

The way he looks at me.

Listen, Maria, just listen to me. And I beg you.

Don't call me Anne.

You abused my kindness and you lied to me.

I just did what you asked me to, madam.

I sat at that table because you asked me to. Look, I don't want to hurt you.

I know your life is hard, but you're playing out of your league. How did you

know?

How can I explain this without hurting your feelings?

This is not your world.

If your opinions were really interesting, substantial,

If they had any impact or a real interest, why would you be a maid?

Because I'm a Spanish immigrant. I have no options, madam.

Cervantes, El Bulli, El Motivar, Antonio Banderas. They're all Spanish, and

they're not maids, are they?

He loves me, madam.

Perhaps we should believe in love, too.

You in love!

You sing and you don't eat.

I eat, but not so much.

That's how it starts.

Filthy genius.

I read it. Tell me it's true. All true.

Just like the first one. Only this time it's not Anne and my father. It's Anne

and the maid.

Totally cool.

And you know what? Political.

How's it end?

Who knows?

Badly.

Join me.

Hello, Anne.

This is so funny because I wanted to organise a double date with my friend.

Remember the pretty brunette from our dinner party, Jane? Oh, yeah.

I know, she can seem a little boring at the beginning, but it's just she's a

little lonely, what with her divorce and trying to figure out what to do with all

her millions.

I hear she's a real tornado in bed.

Anne, I think you're getting me confused with... Some sort of gigolo. I'm just a

humble academic.

Oh, I hear you have other talents.

Maybe I could take you out some night, eh? Why not? When my beloved husband is

out of town.

But in the meantime, I'll get the details from Jane.

Maria hasn't already told you? Maria?

Oh my God, I thought that nightmare was over. I feel terrible. I wanted to call

you. I just, I thought things would end quickly.

Well, I surprised myself, to be honest. But, uh, what can I say?

She beguiles me. Look, I held back because I'm a nice person.

But there's something I have to tell you that should remain between us.

Nobody should be embarrassed.

I'm so sorry.

It's so good to see you. I'll call you, okay?

Okay.

Hello, YouTube's David Morgan.

Please leave a message.

Hi. Hi, David. It's me, Maria.

Nothing. I hope you're doing well.

I sent you messages.

I hope you received them.

And nothing.

Call me back.

Maybe something bad happened to him. I don't know. An accident.

I know what kind of accident happened to a man that never called back.

It's an accident with boobs. But it's not possible.

He was so in love with me.

You don't send text. You wait.

She's right.

In French we say, Fais le courir.

Make him run.

Ça lui fera les pieds.

Which means... I don't know.

Yes, and I saw myself as the target of his violence.

It is the one

who

reigns over these territories, the son of Proté.

It's not very professional.

Quasimodo's not watching.

Quasimodo would like this.

You know, Maria, I can feel you're embarrassed with everything that's

happened, but I want you to know you're still important in this house.

I've spoken with Bob, and we're giving you a raise for Christmas.

Thank you, madam, but it will be not necessary.

Oh, nonsense.

Now, will you bring tea and cake for two in the salon, please?

Yes, madam.

So after all, now that you've suddenly got all this wall space, I was thinking

if you want to stick with the 17th century, there is this.

Oh, it's stunning.

Yeah? Oh, it really is.

But my Christies are having a sale in London in a couple of weeks' time. We

could go modern, maybe pick up a Delacroix.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

I don't even know what to say.

I have to show Bob.

Oh, is he not here? Is he away?

Oh, he's at his French lesson.

His accent is hilarious.

Oh, yeah.

Paris has been great for us.

We're in love like we were when we first met.

Bye, Steven.

Bye, Mary.

Did you find your ending?

I'm not sure yet.

You know something?

A woman I was fond of once told me not to despise people.

That people love happy endings.

They can't fight it.

The hero runs.

He kisses her in the rain.

people love it

L'amour peut faire semblant N'être qu'une idée folle Faites pas confiance

à un amant On pense une chose un jour Le

contraire loin de l'autre Tous les mots viennent pas du cœur

Mais ça vaut la peine l'amour

Même quand ça fait mal d'aimer

Si ça ne dure pas toujours On a tout le temps

pleuré Tu m'as pris à dire Je

t'aime en regardant Tes yeux immenses dans le blanc

Et souvent le silence Me gêne plus qu'un

pic Lancé au vif sans tricher

Oui, ça vaut la peine l'amour Même quand ça fait

mal d'aimer Et si ça ne dure pas toujours

On a tout le temps de pleurer

Je ne cesse pas

Even when it hurts to love And if it doesn't last

forever We have all the time to cry