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- The worst bed I've ever slept in.

- The worst bed I've ever stayed in.

- The worst bed I ever slept in.

- The worst bed I've ever slept in.

- I realized I've actually been in quite a lot of beds.

- The worst bed that I've slept in.

- The worst bed I ever slept in.

- It was the worst bed I have ever slept in.

- Worst bed I've ever slept in.

- Worst bed I ever slept in.

- No, it's not just a pillow.

- It's the worst bed I've ever slept in.

- The worst.

- The worst bed.

- Brown, bloody stains on bed.

- I've slept in a lotta beds in my time.

- This is the most uncomfortable bed I've ever slept on.

[country blues music]

- It made me look back at the beginning

of my life where my life was very secure.

I was brought up in a middle-class upbringing.

Nice beds, nice cozy house.

No money worries.

Didn't realize at the time how lucky I was.

And then went out into the real world,

had lots of experiences.

And life showed me the struggles and the other side to life.

And when I was 15, I had an operation,

and I had a curved spine and I was operated on.

And they bruised a nerve in my leg.

And as I was sort of looking back on my life,

I thought, well the hospital bed

is the worst bed I have ever slept on.

Because I was looking at the rest of my life,

and I've been to Egypt, I've been to India.

I've had a spiritual awakening.

I've lived in countless flats

because as an actress, when you live in London,

you live here, there and everywhere.

So I thought about the hospital bed.

And then I thought, actually, no.

I know the worst bed I ever slept in.

It was, I was doing a production of "Brimstone and Treacle."

We were doing it at the Latchmere Theater in Battersea.

And while we were doing the production, we found a flat.

And it was a dingy actor's flat in Shepherd's Bush

and we didn't have a lot of money.

So the hospital bed that I was using

for the helpless daughter, Pattie, who has a brain tumor

and is lying on the bed all the way through the play.

We took that bed home with us.

I'd completely forgotten about this.

We took that bed home with us

and I don't know how long I slept on it.

But I think life got interesting,

we're both trying to find jobs and out partying, et cetera.

And I never got round to changing the bed.

Now why that makes it worse

than the hospital bed in the hospital.

But it's just, there's something worse

about having a hospital bed in your own home

and sleeping on it.

That is the worst bed that I can remember.

- The worst better I ever slept in.

- I went camping,

meant to be relaxation

but it turned out to be a sheer nightmare.

I lost a tooth, I've got bruises all over my body.

I got bitten by a spider, I seen snakes.

- Was a memory foam mattress that I bought,

a fake one.

I've got a really massive bed.

So pretty much I just like sort of

lie onto one side of the bed.

- I actually pitched my tent, it was night time.

I couldn't see, it was blinding down with the rain.

My bed was so uncomfortable,

I didn't have blankets or anything.

I actually missed the boat

so this is how I got stuck in the situation.

I had nowhere else to go.

I didn't have any money.

- After having the mattress for a couple of months,

I really have the mattress kind of curve my body into it.

My body sorta took the shape of the mattress in.

- I got washed outta my tent.

My tent ended up becoming like a water bed.

Whenever I woken up I actually felt like

I was on a water bed, sleeping.

- I started to experience serious pains in my back.

Anyway I went to the doctor, he said it might be my bed.

I realized it was my bed so I had the mattress thrown out.

- But whenever I went out to go to the toilet

and my foot went into three foot of water,

I thought, whoa, I had to get the hell outta there

straight away and grabbed my backpack.

The second I grabbed my backpack

my whole tent just like [blows] went away

with everything else in it, which wasn't good.

- I had a friend at the time that was a chiropractor.

So I went to the gym, he pretended he's helping me.

And suddenly he asked me to lie down flat on my back.

And he took his hand, put it behind my back

and it went [fingers snapping] click.

So he clicked my spine back into place.

- And whatever, imagine being in a wilderness,

like down by river bank where it actually meets the sea,

and that's where you're sleeping.

- So after that, I didn't need no physio, so I was fine.

- But that was my nightmare

and my worst bed I've ever slept in.

And if I ever go camping again, I'm buying a Winnebago.

- So I remembered that one time when I was traveling.

I was at the bus station and while waiting

for the bus arrive, which was late by the way,

I was tired and I felt my eyes closing.

And I just couldn't stay awake.

And I let myself take a little nap.

So I laid there in the waiting chair,

and it was not like those fancy chairs you see in movies.

But I didn't care, I just took a nap.

And when I woke up, my neck was stiff

and my chest was aching from the cold hard metal

I was sleeping on.

So which was the worst, bed experience I've had.

- Hi, I'm just thinking about.

- So I was on this holiday once,

it was two or three years ago.

- The worst bed I've ever slept in.

- A nice place.

It was very poor, but they were treating us really nice.

- And believe it or not, it was 54 years ago.

- Everything's nice, people nice,

the place is nice, however.

- And it was my honeymoon bed.

- We got to the point where we had to sleep.

And that was the worst part.

- Imagine that.

- Normally after traveling so long, I'd be tired.

I wouldn't care so much about sleeping.

Like I would sleep on a bus or anything,

but this was particularly bad.

- We decided to go camping and see how long

we'd make our money last.

And so my husband had got the camping equipment, fine.

I just trusted him for everything like that.

- Thing is like, I considered sleeping

on the floor at some point.

But then again, you don't know how they clean those floors,

if they clean them.

- And he'd chosen as a camp bed, one of those old

single army camp beds which was made of brown canvas,

which had an iron bar down each side.

- Didn't want to catch any disease

so I had to sleep there.

- Well of course I had to drape myself

along that iron bar and he gravitated towards the middle

'cause he was much heavier than I was. [laughs]

- And I couldn't get proper sleep at all.

I would just wake up again and again.

There was also this strange movement about all the time.

I just couldn't get any rest.

By morning I was more tired than during the night.

But yeah, I just gotta say those people were really nice.

Everything was great.

But the point is don't sleep on a bed made of actual people.

It's not right, it's just not comfortable.

- And for two whole months, I slept along that iron bar.

And even today, 54 years later,

we still turn over in unison

because there was no other way of turning over.

[laughs]

So it was a good way of starting married life,

but I wouldn't recommend it to everybody.

- I had this American boyfriend

who was rather possessive and jealous.

And he used to stalk me when I didn't see him.

And at that time I was wearing fake tan.

You know ladies, that lotion you put on yourself,

and that'd stick, goes on your clothes and everything.

Anyway, when I finally saw my boyfriend,

he was quite hot and sexy by the way

and a musician to boot,

he went to my bedroom and started checking out my bed.

Goodness gracious me.

And what did he find?

He found brown stains and he suddenly

comes to the conclusion that moi is sleeping around.

Well, I was furious.

I kicked his American ass out

and said, "Don't be stupid,

it's suntanned cream you silly fool."

- My worst bed experience?

I don't have one.

As you can see, I'm very well rested,

on my seventh cup of coffee.

Yep.

Don't need to cry.

- And the hotel I had reserved had overbooked.

So they canceled my reservation.

And at the time there was no Airbnb

so I was kind of out of luck.

So what I did was flipped through the phone book

trying to find anywhere that had availability.

- And I'm gonna tell you a little story.

- And when I opened the door, the room had one toilet

in the corner of the bedroom that looked makeshift,

and it had one bed.

The bed was sitting on a,

I wouldn't so much call it a frame

as more like the table that they had

in John Carpenter's, "The Thing,"

where they were dissecting the creature.

On top of this table

was a, it's difficult to call it the mattress.

- Worst bed I ever slept in.

- It smelled like everybody's grandmother's basement,

which is a bit like cigar smoke.

- Many years ago, my wife and I sold our house.

We moved into a one-bedroom flat

whilst we decided our next move.

At the time we had four young children.

They slept in the bed, a trundle bed,

whilst we slept in a rickety old sofa bed in the lounge.

- And fried chicken.

- At first it seemed like a good idea.

The problem was as the springs had gone,

every night we'd end up rolling and switching.

No matter how much we tried, we tried laying on our backs,

on our sides, we'd just end up rolling into each other,

waking each other up sometimes.

- So I laid down on the bed

and I looked up at the ceiling and I saw an army of spiders.

- Even if we managed to get to sleep.

One of us moved the spring would go, that would wake us up.

When we woke up in the morning,

that's if we managed to get a good night's sleep,

we'd either end up with either a bad back,

an aching neck or bruises on our heads

where we bumped into each other.

I even tried propping the bed but that was no good.

In the middle of the night

the props would jam into our backs.

We even tried alcohol, but that didn't work.

With my snoring, I'd wake my wife up.

- Which normally spiders don't bother me too much

but there were quite a few, quite a few cobwebs

that had not been cleaned.

There were stain marks on the ceiling

from leaky pipes.

I started to get this oily, gross feeling.

So I decided I didn't feel comfortable disrobing

and getting into the sheets so I slept

on top of the fully made bed.

- No matter how much we tried, nothing worked.

Fortunately, it didn't take as long to make our next move

but we ended up buying a plot of land

to build our own house.

And we lived in a caravan for five months.

- After a while I decided I couldn't sleep

while staring at the spiders

so I flipped over and I kind of slept, or attempted to sleep

like this, on my arms.

And as I'm staring off into nothingness

hoping that I can fall asleep,

I see a cockroach.

- Talk about being gluttons for punishment.

Anyway, the upside of it, all this,

whilst we were sleeping in the sofa bed,

my wife became pregnant with our youngest daughter.

That must've been a result of us

rolling on top of each other every night.

I blame the bed.

But I never really sorted it out.

- Run right across the pillow.

Anyway, I didn't get much sleep.

I bungled my interview with Jon Bernthal the next day,

where I forgot to press record on my voice recorder.

Later that evening, I also had an interview

with Chris Hemsworth, that I stumbled through.

And then I slept there again the following night

'cause I had no other choice.

- Since I was a kid, I was afraid of dark.

I always believed that there is always

something in the dark.

Something like a bugbear.

It had long, long arms,

shadowy face, large figure.

It moved quiet, but very fast.

Every night before I was going to my bed

I was to put on the light and very carefully

examined my room, especially under the bed.

The biggest fear was that if I had to get up

in the middle of the night,

if I had to get to the loo, and if I put my feet down,

that something gonna grab my ankle.

That night, I went to my room.

I opened the door, I stepped inside.

And then I just go,

there was something in my room.

It was dark, but not too dark.

It was twilight so I could clearly see

that there was something across my room.

It didn't move, neither did I.

So we just stood up there.

After awhile, I started to say to myself.

"This is your imagination,

there is nothing in that room.

There is nothing in that room."

But before I could put the light on,

the thing said something, I heard its voice.

I didn't understand the words

but I could clearly hear its voice.

So and for some reason I started to walk towards the thing.

And then this thing said something again

and moved towards my bed.

It was dark, but not too dark.

I could clearly see that there was something on my bed.

And when I came closer, I saw it.

I saw myself sleeping.

- The worst bed I ever slept in,

well I can think of three.

So I'll tell you all of them

and you can decide.

- The best bed that I've ever slept on

isn't what most people would generally think of a bed.

My bed is probably what a lot of people would think of

as the worst bed.

- The first one was when I went away to school.

Me parents thought it would be the making of me,

and in many respects it probably was.

- I'll just turn my camera around and show it to you,

if you can make it out.

It's kind of like a bench.

- The bed was woeful.

It had an iron front, iron sides, iron back,

a lattice work of steel with springs that had sprung.

- In life, life can throw hard balls

and it can do terrible things.

And it can also throw you things in life

that give you another chance.

- And it wouldn't have been so bad

if it had been relatively flat,

but it was concave.

- I used to wake up every day.

Used to go to work in a warehouse, nine to five.

Used to come home, used to have dinner or watch TV.

Used to play PC games, used to go out on the weekends.

- Worst thing was, I got used to it.

You know, you can just about get used to anything.

Certainly if you tried enough.

But when I got home at Christmas

I couldn't sleep in me own bed

'cause it was too blooming soft.

- I generally used to go through life not really caring.

But then one day

I woke up and my life literally turned upside down.

I went from owning a house with a mortgage

to literally being homeless.

- So it comes on to bed number two.

And quite a few years later when I got wed,

me and me wife was strapped for cash

but we felt we needed a holiday

so we'd go somewhere exotic

and we'd spend some time camping.

- I slept there for a week and I was fortunate enough

to get a house again shortly after that.

But sleeping on a bench on the prom in a mid-May,

so it wasn't too cold, but it wasn't too warm either.

Sleeping on a bench, it changes you.

It makes you think and that is exactly what I did.

- Beautiful place, lovely campsite,

gentle slope down to the lake.

Lovely scenery and all this forest was great

and it was beautiful.

So we pitched a tent,

but it was on a little bit of a slope.

And we got some lilos so we thought

we were in the lap of luxury.

- I suddenly appreciated life

and I appreciated everything

that life has got to give you.

- Trouble was as the night went on,

the air in the lilos started to go out.

And as it went out, we started to go down

and we're then on hard stone, and then it started raining.

And as it rained, we didn't have a groundsheet,

sew-in groundsheet, we on this stream of water

going down between the pair of us.

- I appreciated being able to wake up in the morning

and get dressed in a nice warm house.

I appreciated being able to go to the cupboards

and open them and find food.

And I appreciated people that would come up

and ask if I was okay.

- That was a passion-killer if ever there were one.

- I suddenly really begun to appreciate

everything that life gives.

- Even at 25.

- Even now, when things don't exactly go well

and I'm feeling a bit down, I cry, like I have done.

And I look at that bench

and I think, you know what?

I've got my life, I'm healthy.

I've got my wife, I've got four wonderful,

wonderful children.

- Well, the third bed was actually a bed in this room.

Yeah I mean, this is a sitting room

but it goes back about 10 years ago.

I'd fallen off of the horse and I broken me collar bone

and I'd cracked a couple of ribs.

- I appreciate what I have got, so so much.

- 'Cause at the time we had this bed sitting there,

folded all up into a bed and then came out and everything.

I thought I'll sleep in that 'cause I can more or less

get myself comfy with me legs on when the bed's out,

and I can lean against the back of it

so I don't hurt me ribs while I'm sleeping.

Anyway, I shuffled backwards, and I shuffled backwards.

And all of a sudden I over-tip the bed,

the balance of it, and it started to go up like that,

with my legs going up in the air

and me backside nearly falling

into the middle of the bed in the back.

Well, it was at that point, I couldn't move

'cause my shoulder was hurting like mad, me wife came in.

Now give her her due, she didn't laugh.

- So this is where I come

and I sit down at times and I think.

And I just appreciate life.

- That's the story of the three beds.

- So that is my story.

That is my story of the worst, best bed

that I have ever slept on.

- Not the three bears, the three beds.

- Och, good morning.

This is the most uncomfortable bed I've ever slept on.

There's a 10 inch dip underneath my waist.

And I have to balance in between those two edges of the dip.

In order to demonstrate, I'll try and get up.

Oh god, I don't think I'm gonna be making it easy

while I'm doing this, but I called the people concerned.

They said they can't come out for nearly two weeks.

So what am I supposed to do?

- I was staying at a friend's house

and his friend kind of got this mattress

out of the spare closet for me to sleep on.

And as I was sleeping on this, everything seemed fine.

I fell asleep like normal.

But I woke up and I was basically paralyzed.

Now at the time I was unsure what the hell had happened.

But I later came to realize that the mattress

was missing most of the feathers

around the back area of the mattress

which meant I was essentially sleeping on concrete.

And I realized that that bed mattress had,

I dunno, just too much for my back to handle.

I kinda couldn't move for about an hour.

They brought me breakfast in and then eventually

after an hour, I'd done some rehab exercises,

YouTube, how the hell do I recover from a paralyzed back?

And I was luckily on my way home

and be sure to god I never saw this friend again.

I never stayed round his house again.

He didn't even have a TripAdvisor account

but I left him a one-star review on TripAdvisor.

My back is fine though now, yeah.

- My worst bed experience was in Majorca,

when I was there with my parents as child.

And my daddy, I think he wanted to save money,

went into a one-star hotel.

And I remember the mattress of this really bad bed

was around only this thick.

And I remember I slept really bad and we all complained.

And then we changed in a much better hotel afterwards.

- Last year I went for holiday in Italy.

- Oh, oh my back, oh goodness me.

Oh, do you know I didn't sleep very well again last night,

we've just come back from Catalonia, oh that hotel.

Well I didn't want to go to that hotel in the first place.

It was my husband's choice, but the bed.

- And I was so tired, so tired, I went to bed.

- It was the worst bed I have ever slept in.

And my back is killing me.

Well, it was hard, oh, and lumpy.

Mind you, my husband seemed to sleep all right

but I didn't.

- Suddenly, in the night I awake because I felt something.

- But you know, when you've been on holiday,

you're supposed to look well, aren't you?

But the bags under my eyes, I didn't sleep.

- Lumpy, hairy, smelling and nasty, it was awful.

But oh anyway, I was so tired I fell asleep again.

- Oh dear, oh dear, then of course last night,

gets to our bed,

and I've been saying to my husband for ages,

we need a new mattress.

But no, no, no, we've only had this for years.

- And in the morning, I woke up and I saw

that I fell asleep on this huge fat, hairy, smelling man.

- But no, no, it's me that's got to get on with it.

And I am fed up and I just feel so poorly with it.

- Then I went out the bed,

and it was a bad experience of my life.

Never, never again.

- The worst bed I've ever slept in

would have been in a place that I stayed at

a few years ago, just outside of London.

I was feeling very jet lagged, we got there very late.

I was so jet lagged, I just wanted to collapse onto the bed.

So I did this and then I fell

through the middle of the bed.

Turns out my king size bed was actually

two single beds pushed together.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the pillow case

had this wee stain on it

so I just chucked that onto the floor.

Then I wake up in the morning

with all these wee bites over me.

So I texted my mom a picture.

Turns out I had slept with a bunch of bedbugs.

Well needless to say,

I'm never going back to that place again.

- So yesterday morning I decided to make myself

a nice cup of tea.

And one thing that you should know is

that I love my tea very hot.

- When my ex-husband and I moved into our

third property I think it was,

so we were still young enough to enjoy

the pleasures of bedtime, shall we say?

- So I make myself a very nice cup of hot boiling tea.

And then I thought, why not have it in bed,

and this view here, so I did.

- So we moved into this medieval cottage.

And oh it had so many quirks and funny things about it

and we could smell tobacco in the bedroom.

- So I decided to put this cup on here,

and then I made myself comfortable

because I love to be comfortable. [laughs]

And I leaned against it.

- Neither of us smoked.

No idea why it would keep coming back.

And it wasn't unpleasant.

It was like tobacco, a pipe smoking smoke.

- The tea, got put all over me,

on my shoulders, on my neck, on my back, my hair.

- Nice winter's evening and snuggled in bed.

And as I say, young enough to still enjoy the pleasures

of a comfy bed, we become amorous.

- So what I did, I was on fire, it hurt.

I pull away my clothes, pull them all off.

Run naked to the bathroom, still wearing trousers,

jumped into the bath.

Had a quick look at the mirror

because somehow I thought

why am I still wearing my red T-shirt?

Except it wasn't my red T-shirt it was my skin.

[laughs]

- Joking along, enjoying ourselves.

Oh, well I won't say how long into it,

'cause that'll tell you how good or not [laughs]

we might have been at it but anyway.

- It was very bad, it hurt like hell.

I had to go to the hospital.

I'm having bandages, as you can see.

And the doctor told me that I'm going to have nice scars.

I can't touch this actually, it still hurts.

- Sort of relaxed into it and bang.

Oh my god, the bed banged down.

Oh my god, we just ...

What the hell?

You know, it just banged on the floor.

- But here's the sad thing now.

So after I had this nice, delightful ice cold bath,

I ran back to my bedroom just to check

if I have some tea left, okay.

Because I made myself this cup of tea

so I'm gonna have at least one sip of tea, okay?

- The cottage, as I said, was very old

and it had rather uneven floors.

And the bedroom in particular,

from one side of the room to the other

there was a difference of about eight inches.

So in order to make the bed level,

we'd had to put it on blocks.

- What do you think I saw?

My pillow got soaked all up with tea.

- And of course on our,

um, I don't know how to put this,

more explosive note shall we say? [laughs]

Off it came. [laughs]

- I'd met this girl, things were going great

and this was our first actual night together.

- The worst bed I ever tried would probably be

when I went down to Cornwall for my first time.

I was really excited to see my room and what it'd be like.

'Cause I was staying in a caravan.

- I only started noticing the bed

when we finally settled down for the night.

She really was an old and cronky one.

She'd clearly seen plenty of action over the years.

Yes, the bed, not my girl. [chuckles]

- It was lovely.

But the bed on the other hand, not so nice.

- So I'm nodding off now when whoa,

it feels like a big shake and what the ...

My girl, she's turned over.

- I tried it out 'cause obviously

don't judge it before you try it.

And I think my eyes told me the truth

'cause when I slept on it, my feet were hanging off

'cause I was tall, and it was very awkward.

Every time I tossed and turned the springs

in the mattress would kind of creak.

- So I turn, the bed moves.

She starts turning, and this was the point

I sensed the predicament.

There's a dip, a dip in the middle of the mattress.

A deep dip, it felt huge.

- Horrific, 'cause the walls were thin as well.

People in the next bedroom could hear

and it was so, so embarrassing.

- When I say dip, there was literally

no getting away from it.

There's nowhere to go.

It was the event horizon of dips,

pulling everything into an infinite black hole.

- No, absolutely not, couldn't do it.

I even tried pushing the beds together

'cause there were two single beds.

Let's just say I would not recommend it.

- Turns out my girl's real good sleeper.

Not like me.

What a night.

She moves, I move, like two freaking Weebles wobbling

and coming back again and again to the same place.

- Let's just say, I might have to do some stretches

just to get the blood flowing in that place again.

- It was literally a low point in the night.

In fact, the whole night.

- It was like pins and needles all over.

It was horrific.

- But she's breathing on my face.

So I turn over, now it's so my neck.

I don't think I slept a wink.

- So that would be the worst bed experience I've ever had.

- Ironically in the morning she says to me,

"That was so romantic."

- The mattress is described as being memory foam,

meaning it should have been comfy to sleep on.

It definitely wasn't.

Instead it was hard, and very uncomfortable.

It definitely needed replacing.

I didn't get a wink of sleep all night.

I was tossing and turning,

trying to get comfortable and failing.

I just gave up trying in the end

and spent the remainder of the night reading.

- Oh, well a bed can constitute

as anything that you sleep in, in my mind.

'Cause I'm one of the people that can sleep

literally anywhere, that for a bed is anything possible.

So I think the worst one was during rehearsals.

[drawer scrapes] [cutlery rattles]

[drawer bangs] My friend was talking

on the phone, we were on some stairs.

My friend was talking on the phone to his boyfriend.

I said, hi.

And then I was very, very tired 'cause we were very busy.

And so I ended up,

yeah, with my head on his knees, his bony knees.

He's a very bony person, his bony knees.

And then the rest of me just going down these stairs.

I say loads, but I'm very short.

But yeah, the rest of me just went down these stairs

and I had a very sore back after that.

So I would recommend just don't sleep on stairs.

Or if you're gonna sleep on stairs, don't sleep down them.

I don't know what I was thinking

but it's probably the worst bed I've ever slept in.

- So the worst bed I've ever slept in was probably

when I was on holiday abroad with a few friends.

We were doing a road trip and we came across

this really cheap hotel.

And we thought we would stay in there for one night

and then get back to the road trip the next day.

And I was in a double bedroom with a friend.

And we pulled back the duvet on the bed.

And we just saw there were these two long yellow stains

just on the linen, below each of the pillows.

And we assumed that they were there

from all the people who had been

in the bedroom previously to us.

That they had just been sleeping in the exact same places

on the bed and gradually dirtying the linen

and the linen just never got washed.

It was either that or it was stained

for some way worse reason.

So we took off the linen and we thought

we would just sleep on the mattress itself.

But it turns out that was really worn down

and had clearly seen better days.

Because no matter where you slept on the mattress

there was always a bed spring jutting into you,

making it incredibly hard to find just one

comfortable sleeping position.

But we eventually got to sleep.

I think that was just through physical exhaustion

of trying to find a good sleeping position.

And we slept for about three or four hours or so.

And then I ended up being designated driver

for the next day of the road trip.

But looking back that was definitely

the worst bed I've slept in.

- So I booked into this hotel

and I went to bed about 12 o'clock-ish.

- I basically had to go and stay at Chaz's

for a couple of weeks 'cause I was having issues at home

and my mom was like, whatever.

I'm done with you for a bit.

So you go stay with Chaz.

Fine, I don't mind Chaz, she's a laugh.

We watch Corey every night.

She makes me fish and chips, it's all good,

apart from Chaz's bed.

- Got all wrapped up 'cause it's cold

and not that warm in this hotel.

Anyway, that was by the by.

Gets into bed.

This don't feel right.

- It's the worst bed I've ever slept in.

- And I just kept rolling.

Like rolling down the bloody hills.

[laughs]

So I thought, it's not one of them memory foam things is it?

You don't want a memory foam mattress

in and bloody hotel.

I mean, [laughs] all I can say is,

person before me must have been 25 stone plus?

I don't know, and they must have been there

for a fortnight, a long stayer.

- It's tiny for a start.

I mean my feet come out the bottom.

So, and I'm not even that big.

I'm like five foot one.

My feet come out of the bottom.

I don't know where she bought this bed,

in a doll's house or summat?

Who the heck knows, anyway.

Secondly it's pink.

It is pink, painted pink.

I hate pink.

I hate Barbie pink, I hate hot pink,

I hate all the pinks.

It's pink, it repels me.

- 'Cause trust me, every time I moved

I went down a dip,

and could I heck as like get out of it?

And it's not so bad the first few times,

but it's like, it's now like two o'clock the morning,

three o'clock the morning, four o'clock the morning

and now I'm knackered.

Absolutely bloody knackered.

So anyway.

- And lastly, and probably the worst,

ridden with bed bugs.

I was bitten to death by bedbugs.

And the hilarious thing is she used to say.

- I'd had enough.

So I gets up, thought well let me strip

this bloody sheet back and have a look at this mattress.

[laughs] Wished I had not.

Honest to god, I don't know what were on it.

It was like a white mattress, [gags]

some sort of brown stains, kid you not.

Kid you not, brown bloody stains on bed.

- "Good night, don't let the bedbugs bite."

- So as if it's not bad enough rolling down the hill,

getting stuck in the ravine or whatever it was,

it's now apparent to me that there's brown stains

all over the bloody mattress.

And I laid in that, breathing it in. [gags]

- Hah, yeah literally.

She even knew, I told her.

She was like, oh no, no, no, don't you be silly.

It's probably mosquitoes come through the window.

Mosquitoes?

Where do you think we live?

And what, is it an army of mosquitoes?

May, it's bedbugs.

- I don't know, all I'm gonna say is I'm absolutely,

[sighs] I'm shattered.

I'm disgusted.

And it was the worst night's stay in this hotel.

And all I can say is all the mattresses need burning.

They do, they need burning, 'cause that's putrid.

- Hey and welcome to the worst bed I've ever slept in.

And no, this is the bed

that I'm going to be lying down in right now.

I'll show you. [grunts]

This bed is not the worst bed I've slept in.

This is the best bed.

It's my own bed, it's perfectly made.

Not too hard, not too soft, absolutely perfect.

You can sleep like a baby in it.

But is there a bed that I've been sleeping in

that's been terrible?

Yes, there is.

And there are beds that are, well okay, but not good.

Well what could you say, what signifies a terrible bed?

So first of all, probably too narrow.

When you turn around, whoops,

you almost fell down on the floor.

So that's one thing.

And then the other thing, when you lie down,

it's like, when I lie down here, you see?

A little soft.

When you lie down on a terrible bed,

you, ooh, oof that was hard.

It's like lying down on a wooden bench.

And anyone who's been sleeping on a wooden bench

knows that that's not the best thing you could do.

It's hard and it's not very comfortable.

And when you wake up in the morning, you feel oh,

yeow, oh, were the hell have I been sleeping?

[grunts]

You feel a bit stiff.

You're not well-rested like you should be.

Because when you wake up, you should feel well rested

after a good night's sleep.

A bad night's sleep can ruin a day,

more than one way.

There's 10,000 ways a terrible bed can ruin a day.

- A few years ago on a trip to London for the weekend,

me and my partner went and booked,

it was like an Airbnb or something along those lines.

I don't think it was actually Airbnb,

but it was something like that.

So we booked a room in a house

which had been converted into different apartments.

- A long time ago, me and a buddy of mine,

we used to go out to the bar and meet ladies and such.

- The pictures online looked brilliant

and we were really excited.

It was nice and everything was really bright and airy,

it looked from the photos anyway.

- He had a son and every weekend

his Mom would come and get him.

- When we got there we had to go to the back of a hallway,

open the door, and it was just this really strange room

which looked almost like a storage cupboard.

- And so me and my old buddy,

we'd go and pick up women,

we'd go back to his house

and I'd always tell them that was my roommate.

- At the back of the house, there was no windows.

It was really, really dark.

So completely different to what we'd been,

advertised.

- And I'd use his son's room,

saying it was my room.

- We'd come back from a night out,

got into the bed, lying down was absolutely fine.

But when I sat up in the bed to have a conversation,

I just fell straight through the middle of it. [laughs]

- I'll never forget the first time

that I had walked back here with a lady

and [laughs] bless his heart, he had Batman covers

and comforter and on the walls.

She looked at all that and looked at me.

She said, "You must like Batman."

I said, "Oh, I love Batman girl."

- So my legs were in the air, my hands are in the air.

- But anyway, this bed was like a little twin bed

and this was in a trailer house

and it had like little wooden bars across the frame.

And then the little twin bed with the springs

was on top of that, and that was it.

- It was a bit of a mess.

When my partner pulled me out of bed, [laughs]

we had a look under the mattress

and basically all the slats were gone.

- And plus the Batman sheets, but they didn't help much.

But anyway, I remember this, every lady man,

thinking that I sure was a big ol' kid

and how much I liked Batman.

- And there were about that much towards the top of the bed,

was actually gone.

Not that they'd fallen off and gone to the bottom.

They were just not there.

- That was some of the roughest nights,

sleeping on that Batman's bed, it was tough.

But yeah, that definitely was the worst bed

that I ever slept in.

- This whole section about this big,

towards the pillow, there was nothing there.

So when I sat up in the bed I literally

just fell straight through the middle.

- We went on holiday, and it's supposed to be

five-star luxury apartment.

Luxury my foot.

The bed, let me just go with the bed.

The bed was so old, it was an antique.

And when you got in it, I thought I was going to die.

You just kept going down and down.

You know when you're sinking?

Oh my, I thought I was gonna have to have a life raft.

I said, "Help, help."

But that wasn't the only thing.

So when you got up in the morning,

or you try to get up, you actually couldn't move.

'Cause the pain that overtook your body was phenomenal.

Absolutely phenomenal.

So that bad bed story there is something

that you need to check out.

Because these hotels that say that they're luxury,

and they're actually not,

is a piece of cheek if you ask me anything.

- I suppose it has to be when I was in the Royal Navy.

You can count it as the best and worst bed.

We were naturally on warships, we were on three bunks.

Three high, they're a little bit

less wider then my shoulders.

So as you can see it wasn't very comfortable.

We used to call it the coffin.

And in some ways it was the worst place,

but it was also the best place

because it got you away from everybody else.

Got you a little bit of sanctuary,

got you a little bit of privacy,

a little bit of personal life in an environment

where there wasn't really much of that.

Yeah, so that's probably my worst bed, but also my best.

- And have I got a bedtime story for you.

- I had just got the hotel, Leinbach, chilling.

It just felt like I had fallen down onto the bed,

like right through the middle.

And I was like, "That's a bit strange."

- So a few years ago, my partner and I were on holiday.

And we stayed in a motel that happened to have

a gorgeous four poster bed in the room.

- Laid back, tried to get sleep.

Just felt like a spring digging into my back,

it was really sore.

- There was a spa bath in the en suite

which we proceeded to christen with Champagne.

- Then later that night,

it just felt like I could hear something in the room.

- And I said to my partner,

"I have a surprise, don't come out yet."

Left, closed the door, set up tea lights

leading all the way to the bed where I was standing.

And as I thought, had alluring draped

one of the hangings around myself.

- And I'm pretty sure there was an R-A-T, inside the bed.

- Champagne in hand, "Darling, you can come out now."

Nothing.

- It just felt like it was just roaming around.

You could hear this squeaky noise.

And I turn to my friends, I was like,

"Can you I hear that?"

And they were just like, "Yeah, what is that?"

And that was it.

- "Hello, darling, it's me, I'm ready."

Still nothing.

- "Do you think that is an R-A-T?"

And then they were pretty certain it was as well.

- Remembered, hard of hearing in one ear,

the bubbles in the bath, they couldn't hear me.

- Couldn't sleep most of the night thinking if it was one,

because I can't have it biting me or anything like that.

- [sighs] The tea lights were going out.

It was too complicated to untangle myself.

Shoes were on the floor, dragged a few towards me.

Hurled the first one at the door.

- The hotel staff weren't in the reception

so I couldn't really ask them.

- Bang, nothing.

- In the end just didn't bother complaining

or anything like that.

- "Hello." Picked up another one.

Bang.

- Got on with my day and just left the hotel

and we traveled home again.

- Picked up the third one and the door opened.

Just missed my partner who of course was, "What the ..."

Shall I say the rest of the evening went very well.

- The worst bed I ever slept in,

I was a teenager at a party a long time ago.

I had a bit too much to drink, fell asleep

in a single bed in the spare room.

The mattress were so thin

you could feel the slats through the foam.

And I woke up half way through the night,

about three in the morning, four in the morning.

A dog had stolen my cover and also peed the bed.

So I woke up feeling like I'd been

sleeping in a bag of spanners and reversed over

by a Range Rover and I smelled of dog pee.

Good days.

- My husband takes me away on a romantic weekend

about 10 years ago.

We won't book, we'll just get in the car and drive.

And wherever the wind takes us,

and we'll stay in this romantic place.

Arrive at this place, a little Australian

country town called Gol Gol.

No availability in any of the decent hotels.

It turns out there's a wedding on

and a big conference in this small town.

So even the accompanying towns or the towns next door,

everything was totally booked out.

So we arrived at this little motel

made out of gray Besser Blocks, an absolute dump.

- I was traveling in Vietnam

and I was down South in Ho Chi Minh City, I think it was.

And I was heading up north, and I caught this bus.

And I needed to get off at some point

and go to a small town, which was off to the west.

And we're driving along, it's the middle of the night.

And all of a sudden the bus driver says,

"Here, here, get off."

- So much so it was a dump, we arrived

and obviously the people before us

had had a domestic and had kicked the door in.

So there was a gaping big hole in the door when we arrived.

- So I get off the bus, I'm the only one off the bus.

The middle of the night, and he points to this hotel.

He's like, "Over there."

So I'm like, "Okay."

So I get off the bus and I walk over to this hotel,

it's the only thing open in this whole city.

And there's a bar, there's a big bar beside it.

And I walk in and I say to the guy,

"I'd like to get a room."

And he looks at me, he says, "You sure?"

- But the bed.

We walk in and seriously, this bed,

you glanced at it and it looked filthy.

But it looked like it was kind of drawing you in

at the same time, like you, you had to actually see

what was under the covers of this bed

it was that frightening.

- So I paid the money and he said to me, "Be safe."

So I was like, "Oh god, what's going on here?"

So I walked down the hallway and I got to the door

and I opened the door and I as opened the door

I walked in and the whole room is in pink.

And there's mirrors all around the wall

and this big, huge queen-size bed

with these satin red pillows

and this big red duvet cover, silk duvet cover.

And I though oh no, you know. [laughs]

- So floral bedspread, pull back the covers,

one fitted sheet, nothing on top.

Pull back at the fitted sheet,

and you could literally see the steel springs

popping through the surface of the mattress.

- I lay on the bed and the bed was as hard as nails.

It was just like a big wooden plank.

It's the worst bed I've ever slept in,

and I bloody didn't sleep.

So I just laid there and my body was just frozen.

- It was vile, disgusting.

But of course we had no where to go.

And of course your husband keeps saying,

"Oh it's not that bad, it's not that bad."

I felt sick getting into it that night.

- And every time I'd hear some footsteps down the hall,

like doom, doom, doom, doom.

I'd be like, it's a couple and be like,

"Geez, what's gonna happen?"

And one point there was actually a knock at the door.

And I went. [gasps]

- When I woke up continually

because the springs were crunching and munching.

Like every time you turned over you'd hear,

ping or crunch or something going on in the springs.

I mean, I don't know whether there were things

living in there or it was just the springs.

They were so worn out any little bit of movement

just killed them and they were so loud you couldn't sleep.

- Eventually I heard do, do, do, do,

and the person walked off.

But during the night I heard all this pretty wild partying

and clinking of glasses and laughing and music.

And I just slept there for the entire night,

from about midnight, till about 5:00 AM,

just frozen on this really stiff bed.

And my body was just like aching at the end of it.

As soon as the sunrise, I was like,

"Ah, that's it, I'm out of here."

And I pulled away [laughs] the furniture.

I opened the door and looked out

and then I just bolted and got on the next bus

and I was out of there.

- This bed was so uncomfortable

you would literally be better off

sleeping on a bed of nails.

It made noises, it was uncomfortable.

It was just the most disgusting bed,

and experience might I say.

- So I've slept in different kinds of beds before.

I think one of the most uncomfortable

is the softer kind of bed.

So I have been in a water bed before

and generally it's uncomfortable to feel something

like water when you sleep, underneath you

'cause it's not supporting you in the same way

as a normal kind of bed.

And it's a different sensation.

And I remember when I woke up in the morning

I had a really massive crick in the neck.

So my neck was really sore

from sleeping on something so soft.

So I definitely, I'm not a big fan of waterbeds.

- So back in 2013, I released my second album,

"Understand Me."

And, I was performing all these different gigs

and trying to get it out there as much as possible

because for an upcoming musician, hip hop artists,

it's all about the 110% grind.

And the worst bed I slept in, because not only that man,

I had a whatever, a obsessive fan

follow me around after that, man.

And I mean, like I'm just gonna put her on blast

for a sec, when the clothes come off.

It's like, man, it's a jungle down there. [laughs]

I'm telling you man, like I mean, models' fine you know,

'cause they got the hygiene in a 100% key

but some girls just let themselves go too far gone

and it's like, "Should I stay or should I go," you know?

♪ Should I stay or should I go ♪

Like that.

And that's my worst in bed story

or the worst bed I've ever slept in.

- And really I sleep really well at night.

I don't really have any bad dreams

or sleep paralysis or anything like that.

My bed is actually two single beds put together

to make a double bed, and then I put bed sheets on top.

But that doesn't make a difference for me

because I sleep and wake up

on the same side of the bed anyways.

And only thing is I always need an extra pillow

to be able to sleep like an extra pillow to hug.

And that's like, that's no question,

that's a necessity for me.

Like I need something to hug.

And like if I had one pillow,

I would rather hug that pillow

than to have that under my head.

That's how much I need to hug something to be able to sleep.

I don't know, it's weird,

but yeah I don't really have any bad dreams

or any dreams that I remember

that are significantly traumatizing or anything.

But I know a lot of people get sleep paralysis.

I've only had sleep paralysis twice my whole life.

The last one was four years ago.

And what I remember was that I couldn't move

and I felt something really heavy on my chest.

Like I was like dreaming at the same time

that I saw what was on my chest.

And it was like a giant like dog,

like this Dalmatian like a black and white Dalmatian.

And it was just like sitting on my chest

and it was really creepy.

And yeah, I think that was just, that was the only one,

that was the only worst experience I've had sleeping.

But otherwise I sleep really well at night

and that's something I'm thankful for.

- So the worst mattress I think I've ever slept on

has to be when I stayed at a B&B two years ago.

And I got onto the mattress,

it basically sank in the middle, around me.

And there was springs all down the side

digging in my back.

And it had to be the worst night's sleep

I think I've ever had.

In fact, I don't think I even got any sleep.

It's gotta to be the worst mattress I've ever slept on.

- So the worst bed encounter that I had

was back home in Africa,

when I was growing up with my siblings.

So we're six in our family, one boy and five girls.

And most of the time we'll find ourselves

wanting to sleep on one bed,

even despite the fact that we used to have our own beds.

But at the end of the day, we'd all want to jump

on one bed, like crying.

Younger sisters, they used to share a double bed.

But for some reason all of the six of us

would jump into that bed and just sleep together.

I believe it was some kind of unity,

but again I'd say it was fun.

But the worst part was that when you are sleeping,

you're in deep sleep, and you've been sleeping

on the left side for a long time,

you want to turn on the right side.

It wasn't easy because when you want to turn,

this person is here and we are all squeezed up.

And that was really the worst in my life.

And then when I got married,

in bed you are just the two of you,

with your husband, which was good.

But when I started having kids and I have that habit

of when I have a child,

I will sleep with the child in bed

not until even three or four.

But it was also the worst thing to do

because at that time, when they are sleeping

in bed with you, they will be kicking you.

They'll be slapping you, they'll be doing

all sorts of things that are so uncomfortable.

I'm used to it, there's no way I can give them

to their sisters or their brothers.

But since I'm used to sleeping with them,

I might as well just face the consequences.

- So I'm here in a friend's cottage

in the North Yorkshire Moors.

I was out with my girlfriend,

just walk in the foothills, the sideways and byways.

And we've come back to the cottage after a few hours,

and you guess what.

I thought I might've had a bad sleep last night.

But this monstrosity has happened as we was out.

The only thing I can think of is the cleaners

come in and trashed the place.

So I got on the blower to my friend.

I spoke to my friend and said,

"You'd never guess what, the cleaners

actually trashed your cottage."

And you know what he said to me?

You know what he said?

"There is no cleaner."

[palm slaps] What the ...

- This is an absolutely true story

about me, a bed, a job, a moving away from Oxford

which is where I'm based and really a total disaster.

- I was nine years old

and we were going on a family vacation.

It was me and my Mom and my sister.

- In 2015, I starred, perhaps that's overstating it,

I appeared in a student film which involved

me sitting at a desk and then taking drugs.

Acting as if I'd taken drugs

and then falling to the floor.

We shot that scene about 18 times

and I ended up injuring my back.

- We get to this hotel and it's not that bad, actually.

It's pretty nice on the outside.

So that was like really reassuring.

- So it's important that I had a comfortable bed.

- We get in and it's a little bit old and musty,

and then it's somewhat creepy

'cause there's all these ceramic dolls like everywhere.

And it was really just anxiety-inducing.

- Fast forward to September, 2018.

This is a true story.

- So I get over that because my Mom's like,

"Look, this is the only place I can afford.

And this is where we're gonna stay.

I'm not driving anymore."

So we're supposed to meet up with family.

We set our stuff in the room, we go out, we eat dinner.

We hang out all day, come back to the room

like 9:00, 9:30 and our door is wide open.

And it was the creepiest thing

'cause we were like, "What the heck?"

- My full-time job is teaching economics

and business studies.

And I saw a vacancy in a school in Guernsey.

- There's people walking up and down the hall.

It seemed like there was a lot of people,

but there was only like 10 rooms in this building.

And I was like, "There's not that many people here

it looks like," 'cause there was like three cars outside.

- The post included accommodation.

Unfortunately the accommodation was about two miles

from the school and also next to a building site.

And by next to, I mean about a yard away,

diggers were digging for about 12 hours a day.

The importance of that is the flat was permanently

filled with dust and sleep wasn't so easy.

But more importantly, my wife and I,

we were given a very, very old bed.

- People were walking up and down the hall,

kind of looking in our room

and we're all standing outside the hallway.

"What's going on, what's going on?"

My Mom goes in and she realizes

the door just doesn't shut correctly.

So she's like, "Okay, we're just gonna put a chair

under the door.

- The type of bed with springs, that if one of you leans

in the wrong place, a spring digs into you.

Yeah, I'm sure you can guess what's coming.

So on the first night I slept really badly

and my back was very, very sore.

The next morning I walked into work, two miles.

Walked back from work, two miles.

Things felt a bit easier.

- So we do that, we get into bed and we're just talking,

cause there's no TV.

So it's kind of like a girls' trip.

- But again, that night, my back got worse.

- And the bed already from the start, is so uncomfortable.

I can't sit up correctly, I keep slouching over

and my back starts to hurt really bad.

And I'm nine, so I shouldn't be having these back pains.

- Normally I sleep on my side, but it was so uncomfortable

because when you're on your side, you put extra pressure

on your shoulder because it's a smaller area.

- My Mom on the other hand is like,

"Oh my god, this is hurting my legs.

My legs are hurting."

My sister's completely fine.

I don't know what was up with that.

She was like, "This is great."

- It was so uncomfortable I had to sleep

either on my front or my back.

I couldn't sleep on my front

because the springs are digging into me,

that left my back.

- So we start to fall asleep and it's me and my sister

and we're up and we're still kinda giggling and talking.

And then all of a sudden we hear this scream

coming from the room, right next door to us.

And then we hear running,

up and down the hall for about 15 minutes.

And I'm like, "Oh my god, what do you think it is?"

- So I slept on my back, on top of the duvet

to act as a sort of a cushion.

Even so the exact points in my back that I hurt

when I was acting four years previously,

was nobbled by a protruding spring.

- My sister, I think trying to spook me was like,

"Well, could be a ghost, we don't know."

- The next day I hobbled to work.

- So I wake up my Mom, I'm like,

"Mom, Mom, there's a ghost."

And she's like, "Okay, it's fine.

Don't worry, even if there was it's not here to hurt you,

you didn't do anything wrong."

- It got a bit easier during the day

but by then, my leg was beginning to go numb

because of a pinched nerve.

I came back, I'm now on my second day.

I went to sleep that night.

And again, my back was really bad.

- So finally we start to fall asleep

and I just can't, my back is hurting,

my Mom's tossing and turning,

my sister's out like the light, she's fine.

- So by day four, with most of my left leg numb

because of the back injury and my back painful,

I was unable to bend and it was very painful

just sitting down in a chair.

On day four I gave in the required one day's notice.

- Maybe she's a ghost, I don't know.

But anyway, we're in the bed tossing and turning

and we kinda keep my sister awake.

And finally me and my Mom get up.

We go and we lay on the floor together

and we're just talking.

We have our own little blanket and stuff.

And I turn over and I looked under the bed.

And under the bed is one of those creepy ceramic dolls

from out on the front.

- By day seven I was back in England.

- The lady that probably stays in this room

and maybe brought one with her and accidentally dropped it

and couldn't find it.

- Now back in England, back to my normal bed,

but I still had backache.

- So that flips me out.

I don't sleep all night

and I get back into the bed 'cause I'm super afraid

it's gonna reach out and grab me.

Tossing and turning I'm in so much pain.

I have a headache, my teeth even started to hurt.

- So I then had an MRI which I paid for, about 300 pounds.

- Finally we wake up and it's like seven in the morning.

And my Mom looks at my back and she lifts up my shirt

and she goes, "Where did you get these?"

And I was like, "What?"

And there was this like line of bruises

and they're not that big but they're about

like this big on my back.

And there's a whole lot of them right down my side.

And I was like, I had no idea.

- And I had physiotherapy for three months.

And even now a year later, part of my leg

is still a bit numb because of the damage done to my back.

- And I look at my Mom's back

and I was like, "Look you have some too."

And there's like a few of them right here

on spots on her shoulder and stuff.

My sister again is completely fine,

she just slept through everything.

- Originally, yes in 2015, but exacerbated.

- So we're flipping out and my Mom's like,

"It's a ghost, we're haunted, we're being possessed.

We were abused by the spirits.

What did we do wrong?"

I'm like, "Oh my god, this was so uncomfortable.

My back hurts and I don't wanna go to breakfast.

I'm crying, my sister is like, "Okay guys, let's just go.

We'll be fine."

And she was only like 15, so she wasn't that mature, okay.

I'm just saying, I mean she's great.

But she handled that completely like a pro.

So me and my Mom, not so much.

- The worst bed I've ever stayed in.

- So we finally get out of there we go to the front desk

and I'm like, "Hey, just to let you know

we heard some screaming last night

in the room next to us and it kinda flipped us out.

We just wanna make sure like the lady was okay."

- So what did it cost me?

Well, it cost me, of course my job at the school.

Also, it doesn't do your CV much good

to get flown over to somewhere else to work,

and then quit within a week.

- The lady at the front desk looks at my Mom.

She's like, "Are you sure it was going on

right next to you?"

And we're like, yeah, it was like really deafening loud.

And my Mom's like, "Why is everything okay?

And the lady was like, "Well, there's no one

in the room next to you or the room next to that."

The closest person was seven rooms down.

- Still, there you go.

So that is the true story of me,

my dodgy back and a very dodgy bed.

- Okay, let's just go and get breakfast

and then get the heck out of here.

- So last year I went on a holiday with my friend

and we went to a country which shall remain nameless.

[coughs] Japan.

- I used to live in Manchester.

I ran the neighborhood watch.

I first-aided some people who,

should we say it was an attempted murder.

And I had a bit of a nightmare

where they threatened my life, they blew me car up.

And precautionary measures, I got moved to Wales

with my partner at the time and her children.

- When we arrived to this place

there was about one hotel in the whole area.

So we had no choice really.

- And when I was going for counseling,

let's just say she befriended a friend's son

and slept with him behind my back.

- We went in and there was only one room available.

And we didn't know, this was one of those hotels

where each room has a different theme.

And this room was prison themed.

- So that particular night I just felt

'cause it was me birthday [laughs] to make it worse,

my world had ended.

And near where we live is a very, very big

long and tall mountain.

And I drove right up to the top

and I was ready to drive over the top.

However, I stopped there and contemplated

just why it was me.

- You can probably guess where this is going.

So at the time we thought this is so funny

let's take the room.

And there's no way this is like actual prison

because this is a hotel.

- I think I cried myself to sleep over the steering wheel.

I woke up with a very, very stiff neck.

However, I did take myself from that point to the hospital.

- But of course the laughter stopped

when we saw the bunk bed with mattress this thin,

rock solid, and I'm not kidding, it was rock solid.

There was just no way we were gonna get any sleep.

- Was near enough 18 years ago,

but it still does haunt me.

And whenever I am sleeping, shall we say

in not a super memory-foamed,

relaxing bed like I have today,

I always still think that if I'm at my friends on a holiday,

wherever it is, I'll never ever get a worst night's sleep.

- We kept twisting and turning and being in pain

because even the pillows were hard.

So we just stayed up all night talking.

And this is the worst bed I've ever slept in.

- We went to Brighton, my partner and I,

and we hadn't booked anywhere.

No, we haven't booked anywhere because it was off the cuff.

We often do things like this.

And this was several years ago.

So there we were, traveling to Brighton.

It was quite late, I was quite tired.

And I suggested we maybe start to look for somewhere.

You know, it's quite exciting really.

Oh I couldn't wait to see where we'd end up.

So this place that we ended up at

wasn't very pleasant at all.

We parked at the back,

I asked my partner to pop in, to check the room out

'cause I was a bit wary because it wasn't pre-booked.

Anyway, he came out, he said, "It's fine, it's great.

I've seen the room."

I said, "Have you seen the bed?"

He hadn't, but he said, it looked comfy.

So anyway, he'd already paid so in we popped.

As soon as we went in that hotel, I could smell a stench.

It wasn't very good, it wasn't a very good stench at all.

But he pays, we went in.

And the carpet was sticky.

And the odor from the carpet stunk.

The first thing I always do is check the sheets on the bed.

So flung them back, they were clean.

But I also, well in my head I had about the sticky floor.

So in fact, I didn't get any sleep, and I slept like this.

And the reason I slept like that was

because I thought somebody was coming in the room,

plus I couldn't get comfy.

Because the bed was not comfortable at all.

Wasn't to my liking.

So we left about half six, quarter to seven in the morning.

The place shall remain nameless

because that wouldn't be fair.

However, I will never go back there again,

it was blooming awful.

- It was the worst bed I've ever slept in.

And it wasn't just the bed that made it really bad.

It was not just what it did to my body,

but what it did to my head.

- My parents had split up from a terrible,

terrible upset in the evening.

That morning I'd gone to school,

but part way through the school day

I was collected and taken to a convent.

- I'd been transported to,

at the old Boggo Road prison.

It was a rough place, really old.

Anyway, it was getting late in the afternoon,

early evening, in fact.

And it was Christmas time and it was my first Christmas,

not having a normal Christmas.

They marched me in and put me in a cell

and locked the door behind me.

- And was there too late for tea.

So went to bed that evening without anything to eat.

I went to bed in a room, a dormitory

for all of the children.

A simple narrow bed.

- A small room.

There's a piss can in the corner,

and there was the bed.

Well a cardboard box with some things in it.

And I sat on the bed.

It wasn't springy, it was a foam mattress,

a thin one, on top of a concrete slab.

- One boy in the bed next to me

talked about how he was gonna run away that evening.

And he was going with someone else

and wanted to know if I wanted to come as well.

I did, but I was too afraid to.

- I was already a bit old when it happened.

And then it's like 12 years.

12 years, 12 years on a bed like this.

And it was a horrible bed.

- At some point I must have drifted off.

I woke to a rather well upholstered and angry sister

dragging me from a bed, a wet bed.

A bed that I had wet.

And all I remember is being scolded.

- And then I heard something outside,

sort of it wasn't Christmas noises.

It was just like doors clanging and people running.

So stood on this horrid bed and looked out over the top.

I went from the bed to the little desk next to the bed.

And then standing on there,

I could just peer over the top of the cell windows.

They're very high, old-fashioned, the actual bars like that.

So peeking over the top.

- The consequences were that I was made to sit up

in that wet bed,

plus the sheets that was wet was put over my head

and I was left like that all evening.

- The lights are on in the cell, down in the yard.

I can just see down there.

And they're cutting this guy down.

He's nicked himself.

He's used the sheet from his horrible bed

to tie around his neck and he's hung himself.

- It's interesting, both my parents have passed away now.

And I remember my father was always afraid of nuns,

and my mother despised nuns.

But I have a feeling either way.

- Some ambulance people came,

they put him on a trolley and they dragged him out.

I just left off looking out the window

and I climbed down off the desk onto the bed.

- I spent three years living a life

with other children that were in a home

for different reasons.

Some were orphans, some by many broken families,

others more complicated situations.

- That was the worst night, that was the worst bed.

Even now, decades later, I still remember it,

clear as a bell.

- That was the worst bed I didn't really sleep in.

- Right, lost me job, lost me car.

Lost me broad, lost me house.

Me house by the sea, lost it

because I had a bad mattress.

And it woke me up in a bad mood.

You wanna good life?

Get a good mattress.

- Got myself, one of those memory foam mattresses.

All the rage they say.

Everyone wants one,

everyone's gonna have one by 2020.

Do you know what? I even tried to out.

I tried it out, I was like, "Let me try it out."

So I tried it, got in there.

Ooh, I was like, "This is nice, comfy."

Ooh, nice, I like it.

Didn't spend the night there though, did I?

Got my mattress home,

who's feeling excited to go to bed?

And no, not like that.

But yeah, I was excited, I wanted to go to bed.

I got to bed early.

I was like, whew, forget whatever's on the box.

Forget my phone, put that on silent, I'm going to bed.

Got in my snug, right?

I'm like Homer bloody Simpson, I found my groove,

it's great, quite bloody nicely.

Just pretty bloody quick, what?

Woke up, what the ...

Woke up just like that.

Why did I wake up just like that?

Well, it's the groove.

It's only the bloody groove.

The groove that you lie in it,

and then you make a groove.

You just sorta like sink in.

And at first it's like lovely, yeah gimme some of that.

But then the groove don't come back

till like I don't know, like an hour later,

it's just like that.

Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, go on.

So anyway, so I'm laying down, I'm laying down.

Get my groove, then I move.

You know, you know how you do,

you move when you sleep.

You move, and then you move, and then you move

and then whoa, the groove ain't come back has it.

So don't buy memory foams, is what I'm saying.

That's all I'm saying.

- It was a few years ago.

It was not just the bed itself, even if was very hard.

I remember at the time, the bed was very hard

but the hardness of the bed didn't matter in the end,

just the experience, the experience,

I still remember it, basically it was the first time

when I arrived in Dublin.

It was a long time ago, I was 25.

First experience abroad, you know, just moving around.

And I was sleeping in a hostel

and it was very funny [laughs]

because I went to sleep in this hostel.

And I happened to be in a room with five other people

that I didn't know who they would be.

So I slept in this room,

the first night there was nobody basically.

The second night, some other people came and damn,

there were five big, very big people from the UK.

I think were from Wales or Scotland.

There was like a big rugby match

between Ireland and another team.

And there were five big supporters from the UK.

Oh my god, oh my god it was crazy.

They were completely mad.

Drunk, were using drugs.

They were going mad for everything.

You know, I wasn't mad, it was around midnight

when they arrived and they started screaming

and singing all those rugby songs.

And they were drinking, it was completely crazy.

They were shaking my bed all the time.

And I [laughs] couldn't sleep at all.

I slept maybe two hours, they were like this

all the night, they continued all night long.

And oh my god, in the morning

after I slept maybe a couple of hours,

and they were completely wasted.

I woke up, I got up from the bed.

I could see everything around them was full of cigarettes,

cans of beer, some kind of piss, drugs,

whiskey, vodka, everything.

And also, some, I saw some possible blood around,

on the sheet of the beds and in the toilet.

It was completely crazy.

So I will never forget that, it was really,

that was the worst bed I ever slept.

- Ah, not again.

FYI, worst bed I've ever slept in?

A flower bed.

- I slept in this bed for two years,

two long years.

Not 'cause it was lumpy.

Not because it had little sharp edges

or it was too thin or it sagged in the middle.

I was allergic to it and I was allergic to the contents.

Meaning the other person.

That's right, my ex, underline ex, girlfriend, and two cats.

Two long-haired cats, lots of hair, lots of dander.

Where did they sleep?

On my pillow.

Those cats knew I was allergic to them.

So where did they sleep? On the pillow.

Oh the pillow's clean, the bed is clean.

Sure it is, but now the cats are on it.

And every time I go to sleep on the bed, I can't breathe.

I can't see, my eyes are little slits.

I can't breathe through my nose.

My whole jaw starts to itch, from here down.

For two years, it took me two years to realize

that that woman loved her cats more than she loved me.

So I implore you, don't ever think

that your girlfriend loves you more than her cats.

She never ever will.

That is the makings and the recipe

of the worst bed you'll ever sleep in.

Being allergic to the bed,

being allergic to the person,

you can't breathe.

[sucking air]

That's what it was like for two years, not breathing.

For the first time in my life after I left that situation,

guess what?

I had a perfect night's sleep

and I've been sleeping beautiful ever since.

So don't ever sleep in a bed you're allergic to like I did.

- So I was moving into my new apartment

and I went to buy a new bed.

And to my horror,

I bought one bed, not checking what's underneath.

So they carried my bed into my room

and I was unpacking things, doing this and that.

You know how it is when you're moving in.

- I never actually got to sleep in it,

it was that bad.

What happened, it was very late at night

and we were touring around

and we got to a well-known popular roadside hotel.

It was about two o'clock in the morning

and we had to leave at six.

- And I go to bed and realized

there is no support in the middle.

Trying to sleep in my right side, not working.

I'm bent like this.

On my left side, not working, I'm bent.

My entire spine is bent, I'm not able to relax.

On my back, back go like this.

I tried to sleep on my belly even, it didn't work.

- We booked a family room 'cause there was four of us.

We got to reception and a lady in a very, very odd voice,

said, "I see no child."

And was about to throw us all out.

So we had to lie and say that the youngest person

in the group was actually only 15,

and he was the kid of the group.

- So until dawn I think, I was rolling, changing positions.

I didn't know what to do.

And finally, I fell asleep.

Woke up my shoulders were stiff, my back, my neck.

I couldn't move entire day.

I couldn't sit even.

I wasn't able to bend to put my shoes on.

- She sort of accepted this.

We went to the room, I pulled the covers back,

just about to fall into bed.

And there was some sort of not very nice looking

things on the sheet.

So tired, I got rid of the sheets.

And on the mattress there was some sort of blood

or not very nice-looking marks on the mattress.

- Just horrible experience.

Day later, I went to buy a new bed.

Be careful, check your bed properly.

- I flipped the mattress over

and there was floods of blood all over the mattress

and bits of body parts and things

that you don't want to touch.

So not wishing to go back down to reception and complain

and get the young lad kicked out for not being old enough.

I slept on the floor.

So the worst that I've ever slept in, was the floor.

- About five years ago, it was during the summer,

I got up in the middle of the night to shut the window

that was open because it's really hot.

I've gone back to bed.

I woke up the next morning only to find

masses of scratches all over my leg

and a bit of bleeding.

What happened was when I got up

in the middle of the night to shut the window,

I tore the mattress and the spring comes through

and cut my leg, which wasn't very good.

- Now the worst bed I have ever slept on in my life

was in Amsterdam, and I was working there.

Oh, not in a window, [laughs] I was a dancer.

Anyway, I called in at the club

and because I was a proper dancer

the boss took an instant dislike to me.

So they gave me a room,

and in it was the hardest bed

I have ever slept on in my life.

And it took up the whole of the room.

So I sort of had to step over it to get in it.

But there were no sheets.

So I had to get my costume cover and actually slept

in a zipped up plastic costume cover the first night,

with no pillow.

When I looked under the bed,

I can't tell you what was there.

There was feminine things, rubbish, drugs,

all manner of things.

And so I vacated the room very quickly

and I broke the contract.

I checked into a five-star hotel where I had

the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in.

- By far the worst bed I've ever slept in

was when I was fruit picking in Australia.

I was about 20 and we didn't have a tent.

So they said they put us up.

And we got there, three of us.

And there was this single bed, no sheets, just a mattress.

And the feet at the bottom of the bed were broken.

We didn't have any bedding.

So it was in little breeze block room

with a corrugated iron roof.

And two us would sleep in the bed

and one would sleep on the floor and we sort of alternate.

And the only way we could do it

was just sort of fall asleep drunk, in our clothes.

And that was by far the worst bed I ever slept in.

[country blues music] - And it was just horrific.

- Beds like that, you'll never forget them.

- The comfiest bed my dears, is your own.

- I don't like bruises on my body

and I don't like feeling so uncomfortable.

- And the story of the sordid, and the beautiful

and the bad and the good.

Cheers.

- Never, never again.

- I didn't sleep. [music continues]

♪ My bed's so bad ♪

♪ I can't get no sleep ♪

♪ My woman tells me the bed's so bad ♪

♪ That she can't get no sleep ♪

♪ Pray for sunrise ♪

♪ So I can find somewhere to sleep ♪

[country blues music ends]