Original subtitles

"Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess.

"But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort,

"which could only be broken by love's first kiss.

"She was locked away in a castle

"guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

"Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

"but none prevailed.

"She waited in the dragon's keep,

"in the highest room of the tallest tower,

"for her true love and true love's first kiss."

Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of...

Beware - Ogre

Wanted: Ogres - Reward

Stay Out

- Think it's in there? - All right. Let's get it!

Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

It'll grind your bones for its bread.

Well, actually, that would be a giant. Ogres, they're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

- It's quite good on toast. - Back, beast! Back! I warn you!

Right.

This is the part where you run away.

And stay out!

Wanted Fairytale Creatures

This one's full. Take it away!

Move it along. Come on! Get up! Next!

Give me that! Your flying days are over.

20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

- Get up. Come on. - A lousy twenty pieces.

Sit down there! Keep quiet!

This cage is too small.

Don't turn me in. I won't be stubborn! Give me another chance!

- Shut up! - Next.

- What have you got? - This little wooden puppet.

I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy.

Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

- Don't let them do this! - Next. What have you got?

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Go ahead, little fella.

- Well? - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt.

- I've heard enough. Guards! - No, he talks! He does.

I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

- Get her out of my sight. - No, no! I swear! He can talk!

- I can fly! - He can fly!

- He can talk! - That's right, fool!

Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly,

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly.

Seize him!

After him! He's getting away!

Get him! This way! Turn!

You there! Ogre! By the order of Lord Farquaad,

I am authorized to place you both under arrest

and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.

Really? You and what army?

Can I say something to you?

You was really something back there. Incredible!

Are you talking to... me?

Yes, I was. Can I tell you that you was great? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that.

They was tripping over themselves! That made me feel good to see that.

- That's great. Really. - It's good to be free.

Why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself.

Wait! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you!

You a mean, green, fighting machine. We'll scare the spit out of anybody!

That was scary. If that don't work, your breath will get the job done.

You need some Tic Tacs cos your breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, like the time...

..rotten berries. I had some gases eking out of my butt that day.

- Why are you following me? - I'll tell you why.

Cos I'm all alone There's no one here beside me

My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me

But you gotta have friends...

Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Only a true friend would be that honest!

Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?

- Really tall? - No! I'm an ogre.

You know, grab your torch and pitchforks! Doesn't that bother you?

Nope.

- Really? - Really, really.

- Man, I like you. What's your name? - Shrek.

Shrek? You know what I like about you, Shrek?

That "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing.

I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You all right.

Look at that! Who'd want to live in a place like that?

That would be my home.

And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator.

It's amazing what you've done with a modest budget.

I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

Stay Out - Beware: Ogre

- I guess you don't entertain much. - I like my privacy.

That's another thing we have in common.

I hate it when you got somebody in your face

and they won't leave, there's that awkward silence.

- Can I stay with you? - What?

- Can I stay with you, please? - Of course!

- Really? - No.

I don't wanna go back!

You don't know what it's like to be a freak. Maybe you do.

That's why we gotta stick together. Let me stay! Please!

- OK! OK! But one night only. - Thank you!

This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late swapping manly stories,

and in the morning I'm making waffles.

- Where do I sleep? - Outside!

That's cool. I don't know you and you don't know me,

so I guess outside is best, you know.

Here I go.

Good night.

I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey, I was born outside.

Sitting by myself outside, I guess. By myself, outside.

I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me.

- Didn't I tell you to stay outside? - I am outside.

It's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

What a lovely bed.

- Got ya. - I found some cheese.

Awful stuff!

- Is that you, Gorder? - How did you know?

Enough! What are you doing in my house?

No, no, no! Dead broad off the table.

But the bed's already taken!

What?

I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre!

What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

No... No!

- What? - Quit it. Don't push.

What are you doing in my swamp?

All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Let's go!

- Quickly. Come on! - No, no! Not there. Not there.

Don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

- Gosh, no one invited us. - What?

- We were forced to come here. - By who?

Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and signed an eviction notice.

All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

I do. I know where he is.

Does anyone else know where to find him?

- Anyone at all? - Me!

- Anyone? - Pick me!

- I know! I know! Me, me! - OK, fine.

Attention, all fairy tale things.

Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out.

In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now

and get you off my land and back where you came from!

- You! You're coming with me. - That's what I like to hear, man.

Shrek and Donkey, two friends, off on a whirlwind adventure. I love it!

On the road again... Sing it with me, Shrek.

I can't wait to get on the road again...

What did I say about singing?

- Can I whistle? Can I hum it? - All right, humming.

That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run, run, run, as fast as you can.

You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!

- You're a monster. - I'm not the monster, you are.

You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.

- Tell me! Where are the others? - Eat me!

I've tried to be fair to you creatures.

Now, my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...

- No, not my gumdrop buttons! - Who's hiding them?

OK, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?

- The Muffin Man? - The Muffin Man.

Yes, I know the Muffin Man, who lives on Drury Lane?

She's married to the Muffin Man.

- The Muffin Man? - The Muffin Man!

- She's married to the Muffin Man. - My Lord! We found it.

Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

- Magic mirror... - Don't tell him anything! No!

Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

- Technically you're not a king. - Thelonius.

- You were saying? - I mean you're not a king yet.

But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Go on.

So, just sit back and relax, my Lord,

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.

And here they are!

Number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing.

Her hobbies include cleaning for her two evil sisters.

Please welcome Cinderella!

Number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy.

She lives with seven men but she's not easy.

Kiss her frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.

Come on, give it up for Snow White!

And last, but certainly not least,

a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot lava!

But don't let that cool you off.

She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas.

Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!

Will it be bachelorette number one,

bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

- Two! Three! - Three!

- Two! - Three? One? Three?

- Pick number three, my Lord! - OK, OK, number three!

Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

Princess Fiona. She's perfect.

I just have to find someone who can go...

I should mention the night thing...

- I'll do it. - After sunset...

Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen

and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.

You Are Parked In Lancelot

That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.

So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

That's the place.

Do you think he's compensating for something?

Wait! Wait up, Shrek.

Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

Hey, you!

Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just... I just...

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

- Where is everybody? - Look at this!

Information - Pull

Welcome to DuLoc Such a perfect town

Here we have some rules Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is a perfect place

Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your...face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is a perfect place

Welcome to DuLoc

- Let's do that again! - No. No, no. No, no! No.

Brave knights, you are the best and brightest in all the land.

Today, one of you shall prove...

- You'll get a smacked bottom. - Sorry about that.

That champion shall have the honor, no, no, the privilege

to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona

from the fiery keep of the dragon.

If, for any reason, the winner is unsuccessful,

the first runner-up will take his place

and so on and so forth. Some of you may die,

but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Applause

Let the tournament begin!

What is that?

- It's hideous! - That's not nice.

- It's just a donkey. - Indeed. Knights, new plan!

The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

- Get him! - Now, come on! Hang on now.

Go ahead! Get him!

Can't we just settle this over a pint?

- Kill the beast! - No? All right, then.

Come on!

Tag me!

Give him the chair!

All right!

Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!

- Shall I give the order, sir? - No, I have a better idea.

People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

- What? - Congratulations, ogre.

You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

- Your swamp? - Yeah, my swamp!

Where you dumped those creatures!

Indeed. All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal.

Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back.

Exactly the way it was?

Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

- And the squatters? - As good as gone.

What kind of quest?

You'll go fight a dragon and rescue a princess to get back a swamp,

which you don't have cos Farquaad filled it with freaks?

Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him?

Lay siege to his fortress,

grind his bones for your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village

and put their heads on a pike,

got a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids.

- Does that sound good to you? - No, not really, no.

For your information, there's more to ogres than you think.

- Example. - Example? OK...

Ogres are like onions.

- They stink? Make you cry? - No!

You leave them out in the sun and they get all brown?

No! Layers! Onions have layers.

Ogres have layers! Onions have layers.

You get it? We both have layers.

You both have layers. You know, not everybody likes onions.

- Cake! Everybody loves cakes! - I don't care...what everyone likes.

Ogres are not like cakes.

You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits.

Have you ever met a person and they say, "No, I don't like parfaits"?

No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden!

Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See you later.

Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

I think I preferred your humming.

Do you have a tissue? I'm making a mess.

Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

Shrek! Did you do that?

You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off.

Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead.

- It's brimstone. We must be close. - Right, brimstone.

Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smell.

It didn't come off no stone neither.

Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

Shrek? Remember when you said that ogres have layers?

I have a bit of a confession to make.

Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear on our sleeves.

- Wait! Donkeys don't have sleeves. - You know what I mean.

You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

I'm just uncomfortable about rickety bridges over a boiling lake of lava!

Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, OK? For emotional support.

We'll tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

- Really? - Really, really.

- That makes me feel better. - Just keep moving.

- And don't look down. - Don't look down. Don't look down.

Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.

Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

- You're already halfway! - I know that half is safe!

Fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

Shrek! Wait!

- Let's have a dance, shall we? - Don't do that!

- I'm sorry. Do what? This? - Yes, that!

- Yes? Yes, do it. OK. - No, Shrek!

- No! Stop it! - You said do it! I'm doing it.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Cool.

So where is this fire-breathing pain?

Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

I was talking about the dragon, Shrek.

- You afraid? - No, but...

Good. Me neither.

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.

Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation.

Unfamiliar dangerous situation. With a dragon that breathes fire,

it doesn't mean you're a coward if you're scared.

I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

Donkey, two things, OK?

Shut...up. Go and see if you can find any stairs.

I thought we was looking for the princess.

She will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

- How do you know she'll be there? - I read it in a book.

Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs.

I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too.

They won't know which way they goin'.

I'll take drastic steps. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master.

I've mastered the stairs. If I had a step here, I'd step all over it.

At least we know where the princess is, but where's the...

Dragon!

Donkey, look out!

Got ya!

What large teeth you have.

I mean, sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time,

but you must bleach, cos that is one dazzling smile you got.

Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

And you know what else? You're a girl dragon!

Sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.

You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter? Something in your eye?

I'd really love to stay, but...

I'm an asthmatic and it won't work out if you blow smoke rings.

- Wake up! - What?

Are you Princess Fiona?

I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

That's nice. Now let's go!

But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting.

Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

- Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. - What are you doing?

You should sweep me off my feet,

out yonder window and down onto your valiant steed.

You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me.

A ballad? A sonnet!

- A limerick? Or something! - I don't think so.

Can I at least know the name of my champion?

Sir Shrek.

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

Thanks!

- You didn't slay the dragon? - It's on my to-do list. Come on!

But this isn't right!

You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, like the other knights did.

- Right before they burst into flame. - That's not the point.

Where are you going? The exit's over there.

- I have to save my ass. - What kind of knight are you?

One of a kind.

Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.

It's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time.

Just call me old-fashioned.

I don't want to rush into a physical relationship.

I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of this...

Magnitude is the word I'm looking for.

Magnitude. That is unwanted physical contact. What are you doing?

Let's just back up and take this one step at a time.

We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals.

I'm on the road a lot but I just love receiving cards...

I'd really love to stay, but...

Don't do that! That's my personal tail.

You gonna tear it off? What are you gonna do with that?

Now! No way. No! No!

- Hi, Princess! - It talks!

Yeah. Getting him to shut up is the trick.

OK, you two, head for the exit!

I'll take care of the dragon.

You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're...

You're wonderful. You're...

A little unorthodox, I'll admit.

But thy deed is great and thine heart is pure.

I am eternally in your debt.

And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed!

The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

- Why not? - I have helmet hair.

Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

- No, no, you wouldn't...'st. - But how will you kiss me?

- That wasn't in the job description. - Maybe it's a perk.

No, it's destiny. You must know how it goes.

A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon

is rescued by a brave knight,

and then they share true love's first kiss.

With Shrek? You think... Wait. You think Shrek is your true love?

Well, yes.

- You think Shrek is your true love! - What is so funny?

- Let's just say I'm not your type. - Yes you are. You're my rescuer.

- Now, remove your helmet. - I don't think this is a good idea.

- Just take off the helmet. - No.

- Take it off. Now! - OK!

Easy. As you command, Your Highness.

You... You're a an ogre.

- You were expecting Prince Charming? - Well, yes, actually.

No. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.

Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, OK?

- He wants to marry you. - Then why didn't he rescue me?

Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

But I have to be rescued by my true love,

not by some ogre and his pet.

- So much for noble steed. - You're not making my job easier.

I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.

You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly,

I'll be waiting for him right here.

I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

- You wouldn't dare. Put me down! - Ya coming, Donkey?

I'm right behind ya.

Put me down or you will suffer the consequences!

This is not dignified! Put me down!

Here's a question.

There's a woman that digs you but you don't dig her.

How do you let her down real easy but you don't get burned and eaten?

Just tell her she's not your true love.

Everyone knows what happens when you find...

The sooner we get to DuLoc, the better.

You're gonna love it there. It's beautiful!

What of my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

Let me put it this way, Princess.

Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.

I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

Stop it. Stop it, both of you.

You're just jealous you could never measure up to Lord Farquaad.

Yeah, maybe you're right, Princess.

But I'll let you do the measuring when you see him tomorrow.

Tomorrow? It'll take that long?

- Shouldn't we stop to make camp? - No, that'll take longer.

- We can keep going. - But there's robbers in the woods.

Time out! Camping's starting to sound good.

Come on. I'm scarier than anything we'll see in this forest.

I need to find somewhere to camp now!

- Over here. - Shrek, we can do better than that.

I don't think this is fit for a princess.

It's perfect. Just needs a few homey touches.

Homey touches? Like what?

A door? Gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

- Shall I read you a bedtime story? - I said good night!

Shrek, what are you doing?

I just... You know... Come on! I was just kidding.

And that one, that's Throwback,

the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.

Right. Yeah.

Can you tell my future from these stars?

The stars don't tell the future. They tell stories.

Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent.

- You can guess why he's famous. - You're making this up.

No. There he is, and there's the hunters running away from his stench.

That ain't nothing but a bunch of dots.

Sometimes things are more than they appear.

Forget it.

Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

- Our swamp? - When we've saved the princess.

We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our".

There's just me and my swamp.

The first thing I'll do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.

You cut me deep. You cut me real deep just now.

I think the whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.

No, do ya think?

- Are you hiding something? - Never mind.

This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.

- Why don't you wanna talk about it? - Why do you want to?

- Why are you blocking? - I'm not.

- You are. - I'm warning you.

- Who you trying to keep out? Who? - Everyone! OK?

- Now we're getting somewhere. - For the love of Pete!

- What's your problem with the world? - I'm not the one with the problem.

The world seems to have a problem with me.

People take one look and go, "Help! Run!" A big, stupid, ugly ogre!

They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

You know what? When we met,

I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

- Yeah, I know. - So, are there any donkeys up there?

Well, there's Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

OK, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?

- That's the moon. - OK.

Again. Show me again.

Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.

Perfect.

Yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.

- Donkey, wake up. Wake up. - What?

Morning. How do you like your eggs?

- Good morning, Princess! - What's all this about?

We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday,

and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

Thanks.

Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.

It's no way to behave in front of a princess.

- Thanks. - She's as nasty as you are.

You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

La liberté!

What are you doing?

Be still, ma chérie, for I am your savior!

I am rescuing you from this green...beast.

That's my princess! Go find your own!

Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are...

Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself.

Merry Men!

I steal from the rich And give to the needy

- He takes a percentage - But I'm not greedy

I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good

- What a guy! Monsieur Hood - Break it down

I like an honest fight And a saucy little maid

- He's saying is he likes to get... - Paid

When an ogre in the bush Grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad

When a beauty's with a beast It makes me awfully mad

He's mad, he's really mad

I'll take my blade And ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys Cos I'm about to start

- Man, that was annoying! - You little...

Shall we?

Hold the phone.

- Hold on. Where did that come from? - What?

That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

When one lives alone, one has to learn these things in case...

- There's an arrow in your butt! - What?

- Would you look at that? - This is all my fault.

- I'm so sorry. - What's wrong?

- Shrek's hurt. - Shrek's hurt? Shrek's gonna die.

- Donkey, I'm OK. - No! I'm too young for you to die.

Keep your legs elevated. Cough!

- Does anyone know the Heimlich? - Calm down!

If you want to help Shrek, find me a blue flower with red thorns.

Blue flower, red thorns. OK, blue flower, red thorns.

If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

- What are the flowers for? - For getting rid of Donkey.

- Hold still and I'll yank it out. - Easy with the yanking.

- It has to come out. - No, it's tender.

Now, hold on...

- It's not helping! - Don't move.

- Look, time out. - Would you...

OK. What do you propose we do?

Blue flower, red thorns.

It'd be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower...

Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming!

Not good!

OK, I can nearly see the head. It's just about...

Nothing happened. We were just...

Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask.

Come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just...

What's that? That's... Is that blood?

There it is, Princess.

- Your future awaits you. - That's DuLoc?

Yeah, Shrek thinks Farquaad's compensating for something,

which I think means he has a really...

- I guess we better move on. - Sure, but Shrek?

I'm worried about Donkey.

- What? - I mean, look at him.

- He doesn't look so good. - What? I'm fine!

That's what they all say. Next thing you know, you're on your back...

- Dead. - She's right. You look awful.

- Do you want to sit down? - I'll make some tea.

I didn't want to say nothing but I got this twinge in my neck

and when I turn my head, see?

- Who's hungry? I'll get dinner. - I'll get the firewood.

Where you going? Man, I can't feel my toes!

I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

This is good. This is really good.

- What is this? - Weedrat. Rotisserie style.

- No kidding. This is delicious. - They're also great in stews.

Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.

I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime.

I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you.

Swamp toad soup, fish-eye tar tare, you name it.

I'd like that.

- Princess? - Yes, Shrek?

I... I was wondering. Are you...

Are you gonna eat that?

Isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

- Sunset? No! I mean, it's very late. - What?

Wait a minute. I see what's going on here.

Are you afraid of the dark?

Yes! That's it! I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

Don't feel bad. I used to be afraid of the dark, too.

No, wait! I'm still afraid of the dark.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Now I see what's going on here. - What are you talking about?

I'm an animal and I got instincts.

I know you two were digging on each other.

You're crazy. I'm just taking her to Farquaad.

Wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go and tell her how you feel.

There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know, and I'm not saying I do, cos I don't,

- she's a princess and I'm... - An ogre?

Yeah. An ogre.

- Where you going? - To get...more firewood.

Princess! Princess Fiona?

Princess, where are you?

It's spooky in here. I ain't playing games.

- No, no! - No! Help!

No, it's OK.

- Where's the princess? - I'm the princess.

- It's me, in this body. - My God! You ate the princess!

Can you hear me? Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

This is me.

What happened to you? You're...different.

- I'm ugly, OK? - Yeah!

Was it something you ate? I knew those rats was a bad idea.

- You are what you eat, I said. - No.

I've been this way as long as I can remember.

What? I ain't never seen you like this.

It only happens when the sun goes down.

By night one way, by day another This shall be the norm

Until you find true love's first kiss And then take love's true form

That's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

It's a spell.

When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me.

Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast!

I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me.

That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow

before the sun sets and he sees me... like this.

All right, calm down. Look, it's not that bad.

You're not that ugly. I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.

But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

But, Donkey, I'm a princess,

and this is not how a princess is meant to look.

Princess, how about if you don't marry Farquaad?

I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

But, you know... you're kind of an ogre,

and Shrek, well, you got a lot in common.

Princess, I... How's it going, first of all?

Good? Good for me, too. I'm OK.

I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and...

I don't really like it, but I thought you might cos you're pretty.

But I like you anyway. I'd...

I'm in trouble. OK, here we go.

I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey.

I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

Princess and ugly don't go together.

That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.

My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be.

It's the only way to break the spell.

You gotta tell Shrek the truth.

No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

- Why talk if you gotta keep secrets? - Promise you won't tell. Promise!

All right. I won't tell him. But you should.

I know before this is over I'm gonna need therapy.

Look at my eye twitching.

I tell him, I tell him not.

I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

There's something I want...

- Are you all right? - Perfect! Never been better.

There's something I have to tell you.

You don't have to tell me anything. I heard enough last night.

- You heard what I said? - Every word.

I thought you'd understand.

I understand. Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast?

I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

Yeah? Well, it does.

Right on time.

Princess, I've brought you a little something.

What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

- Princess Fiona. - As promised. Now hand it over.

Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

Take it and go before I change my mind.

Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me,

for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before.

I am Lord Farquaad.

Lord Farquaad? No, no.

Forgive me, my Lord, for I was just saying a short...

farewell.

That is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre.

- It's not like it has feelings. - No, you're right. It doesn't.

Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona,

I ask your hand in marriage.

Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...

I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

No! I mean...

Why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.

Anxious, are we? You're right.

The sooner, the better. There's so much to do!

The caterer, the band, the guest list.

Captain, round up some guests!

Fare thee well, ogre.

What are you doing? She's getting away.

- So what? - There's something you should know.

I talked to her last night. She's...

I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

If you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

Shrek, I wanna go with you.

I told you, you're not coming home with me.

I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!

Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

- But, I thought... - Yeah. You know what?

You thought wrong!

- What are you doing? - I thought you'd recognize a wall.

Yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

It is. That's your half and this is my half.

- Your half. - Yes. I helped rescue the princess.

I did half the work, I get half the booty.

Hand me that big rock, the one that looks like your head.

- Back off! - No, you back off.

- This is my swamp! - Our swamp.

- Let go! - You let go.

- Jackass! - Smelly ogre.

Fine!

Come back. I'm not through with you.

- I'm through with you. - With you it's always, "Me, me, me!"

Guess what! Now it's my turn! So just shut up and pay attention!

You are mean to me. You insult me and don't appreciate anything I do.

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

Yeah? if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

Cos that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

You're right, Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back!

You're so wrapped up in layers, you're afraid of your own feelings.

- Go away! - You're doing it again.

Like you did to Fiona and she likes you, maybe even love you.

Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature.

I heard the two of you talking.

She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about somebody else.

She wasn't talking about me? Then who was she talking about?

I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right?

- No! - OK, look. I'm sorry, all right?

I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

Can you forgive me?

That's what friends are for.

- Right. Friends? - Friends.

So...what did Fiona say about me?

Why are you asking me? Why don't you just go ask her?

The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.

I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

Come here, you.

Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss-ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight.

I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.

Reverence

Revered Silence

..we gather here today to bear witness

to the union of our new king...

Excuse me. Could we just skip to the "I do's"?

Go on.

Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle.

Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?

What are you talking about?

Wait for the preacher to say "speak now or forever hold your peace."

- That's when you say, "I object!" - I don't have time for this!

- Listen to me! You love this woman? - Yes.

- You wanna hold her? Please her? - Yes!

Then you got to try a little tenderness.

- Chicks love that romantic crap! - When does this guy say the line?

- We gotta check it out. - By the power vested in me...

- What do you see? - The whole town's in there.

- I pronounce you husband and wife... - They're at the altar.

- King and queen. - He already said it!

For the love of Pete!

I object!

Now what does he want?

Hi, everyone. Having a good time, are ya?

- I love DuLoc. Very clean. - What are you doing here?

It's rude enough being alive when no one wants you,

but showing up uninvited to a wedding...

- I need to talk to you. - Now you wanna talk?

It's a little late for that. If you'll excuse me...

- But you can't marry him. - Why not?

Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.

Outrageous! Don't listen to him.

- He's not your true love. - What do you know about love?

- Well, I... I mean... - This is precious.

The ogre has fallen in love with the princess!

Reverence - Laugh

An ogre and a princess!

Shrek, is this true?

Who cares? It's preposterous!

Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after. Kiss me!

By night one way, by day another.

I wanted to show you before.

Well, that explains a lot.

It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!

I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them!

This alters nothing. This marriage is binding and that makes me king!

- See? See? - No, let go of me!

- Don't just stand there. - Get out of my way! Fiona!

I'll make you regret the day we met. You'll beg for death to save you!

And as for you, my wife,

I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

I am king! I will have order! I will have perfection! I will...

Nobody move. I got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it.

I'm a donkey on the edge!

Celebrity marriages, they never last.

Go ahead, Shrek.

- Fiona? - Yes, Shrek?

- I love you. - Really?

- Really, really. - I love you, too.

Until you find true love's first kiss And then take love's true form...

- Are you all right? - Well, yes.

But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

But you are beautiful.

I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

God bless us, every one.

Come on, y'all!

One more time!

Y'all sing it with me!

People in the back!

And they lived ugly ever after The End

That's funny! I can't breathe. I can't breathe.