Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, we are just moments away from hitting our one

millionth cheat.

I want to thank each and every one of you for believing in my childhood dream.

A service designed to give a voice to a group who for too long have been

silenced. I'm talking about people who want to be married but still bone other

people.

And now that dream is a reality.

Cheat. Cheat.

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat!

Cheat!

Cheat

Sorry. Thanks.

Giles, Tribeca, I'm afraid cybercrime has once again reared its ugly head.

Lieutenant, I told you, it's just a printer jam.

Has anyone here heard of the website meetandcheat.org?

Their server's been hacked.

The perpetrator is threatened to release the names and identities of all the

cheaters on the site unless it's shut down.

Why do we have to help a website that encourages people to cheat?

I say let the data be published.

Ow.

I know it's distasteful, Tribeca, but the law is the law.

Now, because it's a cybercrime, the FBI has sent us a tech expert to help out

with the case. I'd like to introduce you to Special Agent Diane Duran.

Good morning.

Agent Duran, detectives Trials and Jibeca.

Sorry I'm flustered because you're so impressive.

He's Trials. I'm Jibeca. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Your reputation precedes you, Duran.

Smart, professional, but with a fun, mischievous side.

You flatter me, Lieutenant.

Giles, I think you lost something.

We've got a real tough one here, Agent Duran.

Call me Diane.

Let's see if we can give this hacker a run for his money.

At 9.03 a.m., a self-replicating code was trojan-horsed through the back door

of Meat and Cheat's servers.

Those computer-sounding words convince me you're an expert.

Why don't I set my equipment up, and you can go talk to the CEO of Meat and

Cheat, find out if he has any enemies, other than every housewife in America.

Great, we'll get right on it.

I want to date her. I want to be her.

Okay, what did you guys come up with? Every minute I'm not online, a dad is

throwing a football with his son, a mom's helping her daughter with

homework. Couples are finding ways to make it work, and that's money out of my

pocket. How do you live with yourself?

I'll tell you how I live. I sleep on a bed made out of human buttocks. Every

item of clothing that I'm wearing was handmade by a gifted Asian child.

You want to know what I drink instead of water?

Supermodel breast milk.

You want to know what kind of car I drive?

A pre-owned Toyota Avalon.

Sir, on behalf of the 99%, thank you. You're a job creator.

What I do might be distasteful to you, Detective, but the world needs guys like

me to take us to the next level.

I mean, imagine a world without honesty, fidelity, common decency.

You know what I think? I think we should let this hacker release all your data

and bring this company tumbling down.

Sounds like someone doesn't want their parking validated.

Do you have any enemies, people who want you to fail?

It'd be a heck of a lot easier to count my friends.

Let's do that, then. Anyone left over will be considered your enemy. Okay.

Alex Rodriguez, Dustin Diamond, and that's it.

Wait a second. There were these twins that I went to school with. Ned and Ted

Doppelganger? Hate my guts.

They think that I stole the idea from Eat and Cheat from them.

But that's not true. No, it's totally true. I literally took their computer

from their home, ski mask, flashlight, the whole nine yards.

Suckers. There's no way this guy's friends with Dustin Diamond.

And where would we find these Doppelgangers?

Well, they teach at our old school. You know it as Harvard, but most people know

it as the Miami University of Ohio of Massachusetts.

Thank you for meeting with us, Professor Doppelganger.

And Professor Doppelganger. Of course.

Not that we're anxious to help out our old friend, Garth Tweedner.

That prospect is less than appetizing. I take it you're not the biggest fan of

the rock star CEO who stole your idea and made millions from it. Since the gag

order, we're not allowed to say what we really think about Mr. Tweedner.

But off the record, I think he's the scum of the earth.

Lowest of the low.

Sounds like a pretty big grudge.

Big enough to want to take down his whole operation.

Hacking's not our game, Detective.

When we take people on, they know about it.

Besides, we're about to start a new business venture. It's called Fast

Fruit. It's going to revolutionize fruit delivery.

You suddenly got a hankering for a plum, within five minutes a drone arrives and

drops it right in your hand.

Allow us to demonstrate.

Name any fruit.

Tomato. Ugh.

You're that guy?

Ted, it's fine. Hand me the drone controls.

As we speak, I'm piloting a drone to our fruit distribution warehouse in New

Hampshire. Is there anything about the nature of the hack that would point to

who might have done it? Now, I've selected your tomato from a huge pile of

tomatoes, and I'm piloting it back to this room. Hackers all have their own

signatures. They're show-offs. They don't want to get caught, but they

certainly want the recognition.

Holy shit, look out!

Your tomato.

We're still taking investors at the $10,000 price point.

So, we've come up empty so far. Any new leads you can give us?

I have an algorithm running that should ping the location of the servers

connected to the hack, and I'm making linguine a la Vongole, but help yourself

to charcuterie if you need something right away.

That should be the location of the server.

We've been hacked.

My mom had glowy hair.

We don't know much, Mr. Mayor. The hacker is threatening to release the

names of every user on the site unless we shut it down permanently. And now

he's inside the LAPD's network, and if he can get in here, there's no telling

what he's capable of.

There's only one way of dealing with this, Pritikin.

Succumb to his every demand.

Pardon me? Shut down the site. Pay him off. Make this thing go away. I'm not

sure that'll be the end of it.

There are 25 government employees in nine different county departments on

Meat and Cheap, including one in the mayor's office. Sir, we cannot just give

in to this guy.

Dan Atkins, inside the mayor's office. Not the outer office. The inner office,

where the mayor sits. Sir, I understand. There is sensitive info that we are

dealing with. The guy on this list sits in the mayor's chair, wears the mayor's

suits, has a plaque on his desk that says Mayor Perry. Look, people are going

to get swept up in this. My name is on the list. Mayor Joe Perry. Username,

MayorJoePerry1. Password?

Yes, that Mayor Joe Perry. Sir, the only way we are going to figure out whose

names are on that list is to figure out who the hacker is. Now, I am asking for

your permission to divert resources.

Me? The man standing in front of you, the mayor of Los Angeles, cheats on his

wife and does so by making use of a website exclusively designed for

cheaters, meetandcheat.org.

Mr. Mayor, if I didn't know better, I'd think you're trying to cover up the fact

that your name may have somehow ended up on that list.

So who's this guy again?

Just a homie I used to roll with back in my math club days.

But I gotta warn you, he ain't too good with people.

I don't know about this.

What the f*** do you want?

Say, it's me, Talon, from the old neighborhood.

Who is Vanilla Yogurt?

Detective J. Giles, me Cedric the Program.

So you talk to anybody from an old crew?

You hear about Bernie Macbook?

No. Yeah, man, Yahoo got him.

Now he's creating digital platforms for branded content.

Damn.

So what we're into... Boom!

Man, who bought this side of steamed rice?

Detective Giles, me Cedric the programmer.

A grandfather clock fell on his head back in the day. He doesn't remember

things too well, but he's so sharp in many other ways.

So, you must be in a hell of a lot of trouble for you to call on Cedric.

Well, the fact is... Boom!

Man, who brought this slice of Monterey Jack?

Detective Giles, me, Cedric the programmer.

Why don't you let me do the talking?

So I don't know if you're aware of this, but... The meat and cheat hack. Ah.

Yeah, man, that was some straight-up backdoor port 31274 slash TCP shit right

there, man.

So you know the hack... Whoa, man!

Man, who brought this roll of brownie paper towel up in here? Detective Giles,

me, Cedric the programmer.

Can you not talk for, like, 30 seconds?

Yeah, you got a hacker named the Mailer Demon interested in y'all, and this one

bad mofo. I'm talking arms trading, government server breaches, global

destabilization, mean Facebook comments.

We want to meet him. The Demon don't meet nobody less a couple of milli on

the tech bowl.

Can you get in touch with him? What you want me to do, send him an AOL instant

message? Could you?

Sure.

Kyle in position.

Tanner and Hoffman in position.

Trebek in position.

No sign of the demon. He's ten minutes late.

I don't like this.

Hang on. Someone's coming.

I got him.

No, wait a second. I got him right here.

He's here. I see him very clearly.

Wait a second.

That can't be.

He made us.

There was a bunch of them.

All right, what have we got? We know that Diane Durand is in on whatever this

is, and she's FBI.

Which means anybody could be in on it, even one of us.

I think it's time to initiate Bravo 2 protocol.

From now on, only the four of us in this room are pursuing this case.

We don't talk to any outside agencies, any government offices, baristas, or

hairdressers. And that includes social media.

Find out who Diane Durand really is and who she's working for by any means

available.

But keep in mind, this is all being funded by our tax dollars.

Digital implant activated.

Copy that, Tribeca. I am seeing what you're seeing.

And I can tell when you're rolling your eyes.

It's just a little frustrating when we're doing Bravo 2 protocol and Giles

tells his girlfriend.

You gonna cry about it?

No, I'm not gonna cry about it. You just have to tell me because it could wash

out the lens.

Giles, check in.

I'm trying to get in position, but these suction cups might be too powerful.

Tanner? Sorry, I'm moving kind of slowly. There was a mix-up in the

undercover costume department.

I've got eyes on the ramp.

She's headed into a building.

4253 Wilshire Boulevard.

Checking.

owned by a corporation called Mayhem Global.

Mayhem Global.

What do we know about them?

They got their hands on a little bit of everything.

Construction, import, export, fracking, real estate, party supplies, t-shirts,

culturally insensitive Halloween costumes, and all the health care in

Louisiana. So Mayhem Global hires Duran to hack Meat and Cheat. She draws us in.

Then she hacks us from the inside. But why?

Who the hell are these people?

What are they up to?

Package for Mayhem Global.

Why are you dressed as an astronaut?

Sign here, please.

Ow!

Why'd you do that?

Does it have to do with why you're dressed as an astronaut?

Okay, the server room is on the east side, 15th floor.

Looks like the guard doesn't have clearance to go upstairs.

Give me a minute.

Hey, guys, it's Doug. Welcome to episode two of how to get someone to the 15th

floor when you only have a key card that gets them to the first floor.

Okay, hit 7777 pound.

Tribeca, don't do anything until I get up there.

I'm on 15.

Where am I going?

The server room is two doors down on your right. I deactivated the

temperature sensors, the sound sensors, and the bathroom, so you're going to

have to hold it.

Take a look at the keypad. I want to see what we're dealing with here.

It looks like a fingerprint scan.

Any ideas?

Reach into your bag. There should be a universal finger.

Boot up the system. Stick the flash drive into the USB port. We'll upload

our spyware into their system so we can monitor it from the precinct.

Hang on, Tribeca.

Tribeca, get out of there. There's a red dot coming. I'm almost done. You're

almost done, all right.

You looking for this?

Did you really think you could take down Mayhem Global?

Agent Duran, why?

You're the perfect woman. You're the perfect FBI agent. It doesn't make any

sense. When you see the bigger picture, Tribeca, it will all make sense, and

you're going to be a big part of it.

Really? I'm going to be a big part of it? Wait, I don't want any part of it.

But, like, how big of a part? I'm so confused.

Tribeca!

Tribeca!

You can't compete with me, Tribeca. I have skills beyond what you could even

imagine. The ability to balance workplace excellence, domestic prowess,

and effortless style.

Women can have it all. And I'm the living proof.

Not for long.

I call this brunch with global conspiracy girlfriends.

It goes great with a homemade goji berry mojito.

Assassinating the prime minister at a state dinner. Don't forget your mini

clutch for your wallet lip gloss and 38 revolver.

Motorcycle chase couture. I need backup.

She's too much woman for me. Do you think Giles is in love with you because

you're a tough cop? No. He's in love with you because you're a strong woman.

You don't understand.

She's wearing a cape and rocking it. You are more woman, more cop than any woman

or cop I've ever met. Now stop hiding behind that dark suit and those blocky

shoes and just show her the woman cop you really are.

It's called the Kick-Ass Ensemble from the Taking Names Collection.

Upload complete.

Just activating the spyware and then we should have a look at what Mayhem Global

is up to.

Good job, Dr.

Schultz. It was really Tribeca who did all the heavy lifting.

Oh, if Tanner hadn't driven by with that truck full of mattresses at just the

right time, you'd be scraping me off the sidewalk.

I just had a feeling.

Yeah?

Okay, has everyone in the scene talked? Oh, I haven't, sir. But now I have.

And we are up and running.

Uh-oh.

What's happening?

Uh-oh.

They're uploading something from our IP address.

This is all the stolen data from the meat and cheat hack.

Names and addresses of all the members on the site. They're making it look like

the LAPD is publishing it.

You said Agent Duran was in jail, right? I took her there myself.