Original subtitles

ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was excited for my last year

of high school because the grade 12s

always got the leads in the school play.

I was a shoo-in.

-[vocalizing]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): But this year, Holy Heart

was doing a musical, which meant Mr. Lewis

and Sister Rose would co-direct.

MR. LEWIS: Okay, hang on. Hang on.

Feel the text, kid.

Okay, the music don�t matter.

-The music is the important part.

Hence it being a "musical."

-Yes, but...

but there�s nothing to sing without the words, right?

-No one will hear the words if their ears are bleeding

from the off-key screeching of a pack of pubescent banshees.

[single piano note]

-? She�s like the swallow that flies so high ?

? She�s like the river that never runs dry ?

? She�s like the sunshine on the lee shore ?

? I love my love and love is no more ?

-I�m gonna throw up.

-Relax. You�ll do great.

-That�s easy for you to say.

I don�t mind singing, but I�m no actor.

You�re the best actor in school.

SISTER ROSE: Critch!

-Okay. [clears throat] -Break a leg.

-Ah.

-Start with the song, Mr. Critch.

-The song? -Mm-hm.

-Are you sure? I...

?

-Thanks for the tow, Dad.

-Should have hired a proper mechanic.

This is reverse nepotism.

-Oh, frig off, Pat.

Ah...

-Oh, Dad, you okay?

-Yeah... I-I just needs a drop of water.

-Oh, he�ll be wanting to pee next.

-Oh, will you ju-

[groans]

-Dad? Whoa!

-I didn�t touch him!

ADULT MARK (V.O.): The posting of the cast list.

A little public humiliation to start the day.

-Now, no matter what happens,

remember there are no small parts.

Only small actors.

-I can�t look.

-I got the Harp!

That�s the female lead!

-Congratulations.

I look forward to working together.

[sighs] Come on, buddy.

Time to face the music.

-No way...

I�m Jack!

I-I got the male lead!

-What?

Let me see that.

[tense music]

MARK: Uh...

?

-Narrator?

-Uh, Kev! Uh, I mean, sir.

What the hell?

-What?

-I gotta get into theatre school.

I needed that for my resume.

-I�m sorry, Mark, it�s outta my hands.

The nun. Sh...

She�s scary.

But I�m still workin� on her, though, okay?

I�m gonna try to get you to be the giant, too.

-Okay. Does the giant sing?

-Well, he mostly says, "Fee, fi, fo, fum,"

but I know you�ll sell the hell out of it, right?

Right.

-But I...

-You know, it will be a big change,

but it�s what�s best for the family.

-What�s wrong? -Uh, nothing.

Uh, well... [sighs]

Sweetie...

times have been really tough and, um...

-The market here is dead.

Nobody�s buying houses anymore,

and everybody is moving to Alberta,

and I thought, when they get there,

they�re gonna need somewhere to live.

So, we�re gonna be...

BOTH: ? People From Home Selling Homes

to People From Home! ?

-We�re movin� to Alberta.

-What?! No! No way!

-Yes, way. Sucks.

-Nothing for me here, anyway.

-Okay, my whole life is here.

I have school and Mark, and you are so friggin� selfish!

-Maybe you�re the one being just... a little bit selfish.

-Where�s Jason?

-He�s gone to his father�s.

-So am I.

[sombre music]

-[sighs]

-Ah.

[Pop snoring]

-Oh... Get up, you!

-What?

Oh, oh, like a bad penny.

-Move it.

-No, no, don�t mind me, okay?

Look, I-I�ll just sit here for...

Oh, my God.

MARY: No. Raise your head.

POPPY BELL: Ah...

Yeah, no, I�m fine. I�m fine.

Ah, after getting outta that bloody hospital,

I just wants to go home.

-Shall I call you a cab?

MARY: [sighs]

The doctor said you are not allowed

to go to your own place alone,

so you will stay here with us the next couple of weeks.

-Weeks?!

-Well, if you say so.

Just don�t go makin� a fuss now.

-Oh...

-But, yeah, if you got the kettle on,

I�d have a cup of tea.

-Oh.

-And if you�re making something for yourself,

I�ll have a bickie or a bun or...

a sandwich?

-What kind?

-Oh, it doesn�t matter. Could be anything.

Ham?

-Oh... we have none, but I�ll run out and grab some.

-No, maid. I-I don�t want to be a burden.

I-I�ll just have the tea. I don�t need nothing to eat.

-Aw...

-Oh, I feels right dizzy.

-I�ll pop right down to Coleman�s.

-Um...

I wouldn�t mind some hard cheese.

-We don�t have the money for that, you old fool!

-Ham?

Well, make yourself at home.

?

-I...

A narrator.

Can you believe it?

A narrator.

Mr. Lewis is powerless.

The music nerds have hijacked the school play.

They have taken the drama out of Drama Club.

-I�m sensing a lot of drama.

-"Jack and the Beanstalk," I mean, that�s for kids.

-I don�t know...

a kid going off someplace they�ve never been,

maybe never coming back again...

sounds pretty realistic to me.

-Is something wrong?

-No. I�m fine.

-I�m not.

I�m sorry. I�ve been going on about myself again.

You know you can tell me anything, right?

Whatever it is, we�ll get through it together.

I�m always here.

Right?

-Yeah.

[school bell rings]

-Just... go to rehearsal, dummy. We can talk after.

-You sure? -Yeah.

Yeah, we got all the time in the world, right?

-I�ll see you after class.

-Yeah.

-Wait for me! -Yeah.

[upbeat piano music]

[sighs]

?

? Up in the clouds where the cows don�t moo ?

? I�ll pluck my strings and I�ll sing for you ?

MARK: Jack crept up the harp,

his heart beating out of his chest.

SISTER ROSE: Stop.

What is the narrator doing downstage?

Mark, try moving further upstage right.

-Okay. Um...

SISTER ROSE: Eh, further.

Further...

MR. LEWIS: No, that�s good. That�s good.

SISTER ROSE: No, no. Further, further.

-That�s fine. That�s good, Mark.

-Over...

MR. LEWIS: Stop, stop.

-Over.

Over!

Over!

Very good.

He can do the narration from there.

-How do we even see him over there?

-It�s perfect. Mark him.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Narration is an under-appreciated

art form.

-We�re buyin� Red Rose now?

Where�s the Tetley?

-Her father likes Red Rose better.

-This has always been a Tetley house.

-Well, it�s his house now.

And let me show you something.

Look at this.

-Why�s the butter in the fridge?

It�ll get all hard.

-Yeah.

He says it lasts longer this way.

-Lucky if it lasts a day, by the way he goes through toast.

-And another thing...

this is not butter.

I read the wrapper.

Margarine.

[kettle whistling]

-Dad wants a cup of tea.

-Now look, Mary... -Mm-hm?

-Um...

We�re all concerned about your father.

-Yup.

-But, uh, this here�s a kitchen,

and a kitchen can�t have too many cooks.

-Go on.

-So, we�ve been thinking, and I just don�t think

there�s room...

for, uh, everyone.

-So, there�s room enough for your father...

but not room for mine?

-Exactly.

-Listen up, you two.

My father needs rest,

and if either of you stresses him out,

it�ll be you in the hospital...

getting my slipper removed from your arse!

[spoon clatters]

?

-God, just look at him.

Sunning himself like a seal on a rock.

-What the frig?

-I�m not goin�.

-You�ve got no choice. Mom said.

-Oh, I got a good thing goin� here!

I got me a teaching career.

-You�re a janitor!

-In a school! That means I�m a teacher.

-Okay, well, where are you gonna live, dummy?

-Here! Dad�s place.

-Dad took off with that missus from bingo.

-Yeah, so his place is empty.

Look, welfare owns it, and I got the same name as him.

So, I can just take it over.

No one will know.

Shag Alberta.

?

[game show playing on TV]

-Here. Put this on.

You don�t wanna catch your death

while His Majesty sleeps in your room.

-I don�t mind.

Hey, is Poppy Bell okay?

-Ah, he�ll live.

Got your mother�s genes.

Hard as nails, that crowd.

-Do you think he�ll end up staying?

-[exhales] Ah, over my dead body.

He�s like a rat...

trying to get in under the porch for the winter.

Ah, you gotta protect what�s yours.

Stand your ground.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): If Pop was going to stand his ground,

so was I.

-[groans]

Oh, God.

He�s done my crossword.

-Hey!

-Get Mark and Pop to the theatre okay?

-Yes. I hate to miss it, but I can�t go leaving Dad.

-What�s this?

-Butter.

-You know Dad likes it in the fridge.

Did you say "butter"?

Are you trying to kill him?

-[sighs] Mary, at my age,

I�ve earned a bit of soft butter.

-Are you serious right now? -It�s just butter.

-It�s not just butter! It�s my dad!

After all that I do for you and your father!

-He�s got the whole place turned on its head.

-I didn�t ask you to do it for him.

I asked you to do it for me.

And you can�t be bothered.

-Now, Mary...

-[sighs]

-My grandson is a fantastic actor.

[applause and cheering]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): They could try to sideline me,

but even in the wings,

I was ready to give a performance

they�d never forget.

-Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack.

[piano playing]

RITCHE: ? There�s a giant in the clouds ?

? I�m full of beans ?

? Gonna make my mama proud ?

? I�m full of beans ?

? You don�t know beans, Mom ?

? Can�t you see ?

? Don�t wanna harp about it ?

? But she�s "bean" stalking me ?

? I�ll spill the beans ?

? Oh, what I�ve seen ?

? Spill the beans ?

? If you�d only been where I�ve been ?

? I�ll spill the beans ?

-How many more songs can they sing about beans?

ADULT MARK (V.O.): I could write a better musical

in my sleep.

-? I�m a little asthmatic and very dramatic ?

? They say I�m too old for my age ?

? With my nose often runny ?

? They say that I�m funny ?

? And that I was born for the stage ?

? Oh, I�m a real son of a Critch ?

BOTH: ? He�s a real son of a Critch ?

-? I�m a real... ?

-? He�s a real... ?

-? Son of a Critch! ?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

?

-It�s your cue, Mark!

-What?! Uh...

Uh...

[breathing nervously]

[thud over microphone]

-The beans worked!

Oh, how they worked!

They worked...

a little too well.

They started growing...

and growing...

and growing!

-[piano starts playing] -Growing...

And growing!

CHORUS: ? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? We�re going to the sky ?

? We�re going to the sky ?

-? I�m going to the sky! ?

Chorus: ? Going to the, going to the, going to the ?

? Going to the... ?

-? Sky! ?

MAN: Which one�s your grandson again?

-Huh? Uh...

Oh, uh, the Filipino kid.

[applause]

That one.

[applause and cheering]

-What the hell do you think you�re doing?

-I�m sorry if you�re upset, but it�s the senior play.

This is my big goodbye.

-It�s everyone�s big goodbye. Not just yours.

-That was really not cool.

[sombre music]

-Okay.

[seat belt clicks]

All right, I�ll miss you now.

You be good, okay?

-Frig off, b�y. I�m a mainlander now.

-Mom...

[soft, sentimental music]

-[exhales shakily]

-Love you.

[engine starts]

?

?

?

-[crying]

?

-Mark!

Stay out of the nun�s way. I�ll handle it, all right?

She might be strong, but she�s not very fast.

SISTER ROSE: Critch! Where are you?

-[sighs]

I feel terrible.

-Hey, you�re an excellent actor, b�y.

-And an okay singer?

-You�re an excellent actor.

-Thanks.

I wanna go to theatre school, but now how am I gonna get in?

-Oh, you�re gonna go for it, huh?

I didn�t think you were that serious.

-I didn�t think so either.

But missing out on that role makes me realize

how much I want this.

More than anything, all I wanna do is act.

-And so you will.

Dedication, my man, that�s all it takes.

-What�s it gonna look like on my application

when I couldn�t even get the role of the cow

in my high school play?

-I hear you, but there�s one part of acting

I haven�t told you about yet.

-Yeah? What�s that?

-Lying on your resume.

SISTER ROSE: Critch!

-Come on, hurry on out of it now.

-Okay.

-The real giant�s gettin� closer.

You hide here. Hide here.

[suspenseful music]

?

MARY: What�s going on?

-Uh, I-I think it�s time I went home.

-Oh, don�t be so foolish!

-Oh, I�m only in the way, girl.

Makin� a mess of things for ya.

-Well, a mess is what makes it a home.

-[chuckles]

That�s good. I like that.

-Besides, the way everything is going, and...

the boys growin� up, it�s... [sighs]

it�s just a lotta changes.

And it�s so nice to have my dad here.

You�re my anchor, you know?

-But you know, Mary...

you�re the anchor now.

Aren�t ya?

You�ll be all right. Oh, uh...

Here, a little help.

-No, Dad... -No, I pays me way.

-Oh... [sighs] -No, sorry, but it�s not fit

makin� trouble for your daughter in her own house.

-You�re not makin� any trouble. You�re very welcome.

And...

What�s mine is yours.

-[exhales]

-But the butter stays out of the fridge.

But the margarine stays in.

-[chuckles]

-You�re stayin�. [giggles]

-Fair enough.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): When you want something bad,

it�s easy to lose sight of what really matters.

-Fee, fi, fo, fum!

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Sometimes you�re the star.

Other times, your job is to hold the light

for someone else.

[applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering]

-Whoo!

TV: At the risk of sounding like a broken record...

ADULT MARK (V.O.): But it�s worth swallowing your pride.

TV: ...it�s going to be sunny, rainy, and a lot of wind.

So, make sure you take your jacket.

[soft, wistful music]

?

-Nice job, Pavarotti.

That�s it, right?

There�s no more shows?

I-I get you back now?

-Fox, what�s wrong?

-I didn�t wanna distract you. But...

-What is it?

-Something really bad. [crying]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): When it matters most,

a supporting role is the most important part

we have to play.

-It�s all right. -[crying]

?

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