Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(TENSE ASIAN MUSIC)

This is gonna be fun. Look where we are.

Yeah. Are we up high or the clouds low?

We're at water level.

So what's happening with them clouds?

So it's not that high. I'm gonna throw it out there.

Go on. It's in my top three cityscapes.

OK. Can I tell you what I think? Yeah.

I think you were going to say five,

then realised you couldn't name five.

Correct. So you've gone for three.

We know each other very well.

(LAUGHTER)

We were in Hong Kong,

starting our journey into one of the oldest forms of martial arts,

Kung fu.

It began more than 1500 years ago at China's Shaolin Temple,

where Buddhist monks developed a system of combat, discipline,

and self-improvement.

Over centuries, it evolved,

before inspiring a new wave of martial arts cinema in Hong Kong.

From era defining films like Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon,

to epic and seamlessly dubbed classics

like Jackie Chan's Drunken Master.

Oh, wow. That's horrible.

These films turned a centuries old tradition

into a worldwide phenomenon.

(TENSE ASIAN MUSIC)

So there was no better place to begin our journey

than the home of kung fu cinema.

Do you like kung fu? Do I like kung fu?

Well, I like the films a lot.

Yeah. You perked up.

Well, it's just-

I do.

No, I- I do. (LAUGHTER)

I don't- I don't-

What's your favourite kung fu film? Enter the Dragon is uh...

- I've heard of that one. - Yeah. - I've seen Kung Fu Panda.

Yeah, that counts. 1 to 3.

But, OK. Do you know what I'm interested in?

Everything ever, looking at your CV.

(LAUGHTER)

Listen, when those films really blew up in the UK,

that's why most kids would go into martial arts sessions.

And then I did that. I watched Bruce Lee

and I go, oh, mum, can I do it at school?

And it was judo, which is basically like wrestling.

So that was shit.

What is it you want to get from this then?

I want to know enough kung fu so that if somebody goes,

do you know a bit of kung fu? And I go, yeah.

And I did like 3 or 4 moves. Oh, so you need a couple of things.

A couple of things that make me look good.

And also ideally, like a little bit of us looking like

really cool doing kung fu.

Yeah. Little souvenir, know what I mean.

How excited are you about learning a bit of kung fu?

I want to do everything. I want to commit to it fully.

- Yeah. - I want to wear the clothes, eat the food, do the moves,

and just become...

...Bob Lee. Yeah.

Really nice. Bubbly.

(LAUGHTER)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Hong Kong and kung fu have gone hand in hand for decades.

Some of the greatest martial arts films of all time

were made right here.

The whole city is basically a living kung fu museum,

from Bruce Lee's statue, the Avenue of Stars...

...to Clear Water Bay Film Studios, the birthplace of kung fu cinema.

We'd come to meet a pioneer of the genre,

actor Paco Yick, famous for doing some of the most terrifying stunts

in kung fu.

(BATTLE CRIES) (EPIC MUSIC)

Amazing.

That was great. Unbelievable.

But before Pacquiao attached us to any wires,

we wanted to learn a bit more about kung fu cinema.

And he had a surprise in store.

Unknown to us, he'd lined up a special guest for a video call.

Oh, hello! Jet Li.

Yes, Jet Li!

Yes, Paco had invited the star of some of the biggest kung fu movies

of all time, Jet Li.

Jet is a master of kung fu,

having started his career as a Wushu champion.

Footage of his remarkable speed, skill, and discipline

caught the attention of filmmakers,

launching a career on the big screen.

At just 18, he starred in the 1982 film Shaolin Temple,

where he showcased his incredible technique.

And the movie industry was where Paco and Jet became friends.

Paco doubling for Jet for nearly 40 years.

(SPEAKING CHINESE) Talk to a legend.

You're the master. You're the master.

He's great. OK, OK, gentlemen,

this is my sifu, kung fu king, Jet Lee.

Yes. Thank you so much for talking to us.

We're trying to learn as much about kung fu as we can.

What makes you good at kung fu?

What do we need to- What qualities do you need to have?

I made the first movie called Shaolin Temple.

I don't know anything about making movies, but, you know,

they just offer me, you know, acting.

And I just sort of very exciting.

Just do it. Much, much easier than the martial arts champion.

Much easier. Yeah.

I tell you why.

In learning martial arts,

kung fu, the first part, you want to be champion,

you need to be training your body and eight hour a day,

but performance less than two minutes.

BOTH: Yeah. So again, again, again.

A lot easier. Yeah, a lot much easier.

We're doing wire stunts today.

How is that helpful in kung fu movies?

I can kick three kicks in the air, but they use cable,

I can kick seven times.

So, cable, make your- more time on the air

to show...

...your difference.

If you could give us one tip, what would it be?

You need to be tough.

Tough? Yeah.

Believe yourself. You can do it. OK.

I don't have either of those. Inside is very important.

Yeah, but he's physically weak

and his self-worth's through the floor.

(LAUGHTER)

So Paco is looking after us, kind of doing some wire stunts.

Is he a good guy? Can we trust him?

Yeah, of course.

He's a- He's a kind of crazy guy.

His Chinese, Cantonese name called crazy.

Oh. His name's crazy?

Yeah. He's crazy.

He did a lot of crazy stuff, you know, on the 100 floors.

We work for, I think, around 40 years.

40 years?! We work together many movies.

He's a great guy, great master, and, uh, yeah,

he can make a lot of actor actress,

even you don't know kung fu well,

he can make you look like Superman.

Perfect. Yes.

Thank you very much. It's a real honour to talk to you.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yes. Thank you.

Jet had bigged him up,

but Paco was definitely going to have his work cut out

teaching us the art of wire fu.

Jet used it in the 1991 film Once Upon a Time in China,

where he performed his iconic shadowless kick.

Later that decade, it was exported to Hollywood

for blockbusters like The Matrix.

I know kung fu.

Where it was used to dramatic full effect in the epic fight

between Neo and Morpheus.

Paco was going to attempt to teach us this dangerous stunt technique.

Jet Li said, look, this guy's amazing.

His nickname is crazy.

(EXTENDED GRUNT)

And I would say what you'd love to do is train with somebody

whose nickname is safety,

And crazy had brought in his stunt director, Ken Lor, to help.

It should feel tight. Yeah.

It's tight, it's very tight. Fucking hell.

(LAUGHTER)

Harnessed up and ready to go,

Paco is going to demo some moves,

starting with a safety check.

White power Ranger there.

Downt here, look. White Power Ranger.

Used to love Power Rangers. Is that kung fu?

Uh, yeah. Really insulting.

Used to love pink, Kimberly.

She was my favourite.

You're micced and we're being filmed.

(CALLING OUT)

(GRUNTING)

See? He's yanking the wire.

To check? Feels like you're swimming.

I want you to kick your legs out, OK.

(CALLS OUT IN CHINESE)

(GRUNTS)

Yeah. Very good. Yeah.

Doesn't look very good.

I thought it was difficult. Then I saw Paco fuck it up

and I thought, this must be really difficult.

And then we're all supposed to pretend that demo went well.

How did it go for you?

Well, I'm shitting myself now because I've seen the master, sifu,

fuck it.

Sometimes you kick here.

Yeah. No, thanks for showing us that.

I didn't know it could go wrong like that. So that's good.

Paco's demo complete, our confidence was on the floor.

Oh, I feel vulnerable.

I feel like I'm at some sort of orgy.

I'm a sex pig that's been strung up to be ruined.

Waiting for an apple in his mouth.

David Cameron will be watching this with the right hard on.

Ken, are you supposed to make any noises when you're doing this?

- Yes you should. Whatever help you express your character. - OK.

Whatever makes you feel more powerful.

OK. (CALLS OUT IN CHINESE)

Oh. Come on sex pig!

(GRUNTING)

OK. That's tested.

Testing cultural boundaries, I'd say.

He said express yourself. Yeah, but don't express racism.

That wasn't. Was that OK, the noises?

Next- Next position. Sorry.

That means- That means no.

I want you guys to pose like this in mid-air.

(GRUNTS) OK.

Ken wanted me to attempt to recreate a scene from The Matrix.

Trinity's iconic crane kick.

So, one straight, one bent.

Yes. I want you to imagine you're very confident. OK?

Right. OK, OK.

And I'm just really confident.

(CRIES OUT)

Really confident. Really good.

I've never felt so vulnerable, to be honest.

Really good. Yeah.

Really good. I've been hoisted in the air

by five lads and a ladder with a bit of rope.

(CHINESE INSTRUCTIONS)

(CRIES OUT) I'm not a church bell.

You did good. Now it's your turn. OK?

Why are they getting five extra blokes?

Big old log you're getting up here. (LAUGHTER)

More- More guys. OK.

So now your turn. OK? OK, yeah, ready.

(CRIES OUT)

Fuck me. (BATTLE CRY)

Hey, hey, hey. (YELLS)

(YELLING) (CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

I'd nailed the basics,

but the next move was the one that even Paco had fumbled.

So I was concerned for the sex pig.

Yeah. OK.

As soon as you flip over, you spot the landing. OK.

OK. (SPEAKS CHINESE)

Swing, swing. Whoa!

That's it. You got it. Now spot the landing.

(SOFT CHINESE MUSIC)

Oh.

Rob is struggling. The problem is, if you go,

Rob, this is obviously really difficult and this is tricky.

He'll stop doing it. What you want to do is get him to have

a false confidence that he attempts more and more difficult things.

If I saw that in a film that would look so sick.

So am I doing it- Oh!

Hands up. Tuck.

Tuck. Tuck! I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die! I genuinely was watching it going,

please make him do one more flip and he might start on Ken.

What you just did... Yeah.

...what Paco did. You kick the wire.

It's quite difficult- It's fine, it's fine.

I would love to see Ken go to town on a sex pig.

You see your hands?

Rob needed a little time out, so I was up.

OK, OK. (SPEAKS CHINESE)

Wow.

(BATTLE CRY)

First time! (CHEERING)

Yeah. (YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

Rom had nailed it first time.

And Paco wanted him to graduate to a more tricky kickflip move.

...one, action. (CHINESE MARTIAL ART MUSIC)

(YELLING)

And once he'd got that, I had to at least get the backflip right.

Let's try it.

Mind your face.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Yes. Yes, yes!

Oh my God.

Crazy. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Look, Rob got a massive round of applause for doing the flip.

It was the sort of thing you do for the silent nerdy kid on sports day.

Oh. Well done, you finished?

And you're not crying. Oh my God.

And you know, the sad thing is, Rob accepted it.

He had no idea that's what was happening.

He thought he'd nailed it. Stupid little sex pig.

That looks sick, man. Did it?

Rob had bagged his flip,

and Paco and Ken seemed happy with our performance.

You guys did great. OK. Do you mean that?

Yes. OK.

Well done. Yes.

Well done. Thank you. Thank you.

Sifu! Sifu!

(YELLING)

However, you guys do so great.

I'm gonna add an extra motorcycle stunt for you guys to do.

You guys interested. In a motorcycle stunt?

Yes. I'd love to see it.

It's kind of intense.

Good news, we were going to get a cool kung fu set piece

as a souvenir.

Bad news was, it meant a motorbike coming at us at 40mph.

Paco was going to have us do it in classic Hong Kong cinema style,

outfits included.

So, Ken, what are these characters? What are we-

What are we doing?

Paco's coming. Oh, hey, Paco.

We're trying to re-enact- You got meeting?

Is this what you normally wear?

80s action movie. 80s action movie.

- Obviously, you guys are buddy cops. Yeah. - Yeah, in your nice outfit.

We going undercover in a high school?

Paco is an evil businessman.

So the next scene, he's-(GRUNTS) Oh, nice.

With a grunt. That was good.

Next scene, he's gonna go to the end,

and then he's gonna order his henchmen in a motorcycle

to charge at you guys. OK.

And then once the bike is close enough, I'm gonna pull you guys up.

You guys air walk over the bike and land safely.

OK. Wow. OK.

(SNARLS)

OK. In character,

I'm gonna get Paco to the starting position on his mark,

and you guys work out your characters. OK?

OK. OK. Let's go.

Nice. OK, so forget the clothes.

What's the vibe? What's your name, Agent what?

Raj. Raj and- Raj and,

why don't I be called, uh, PC In Charge.

Raj and Charge? It's not a bad name for the show.

Raj In Charge? OK, let's, uh.

Let's go. Come on then.

We had the outfits, the names, and we were almost ready

to shoot our first kung fu movie scene,

involving us jumping over a motorbike.

Oh, fuck. Oh! Oh.

Fuck it. That's- That'll do.

But before that, Paco and Ken had one slightly less

deadly test for us.

Three. Two. One. Action!

(YELLS)

And once they were convinced we could clear a bloke

doing the aeroplane.

Whoa!

Apparently, we were ready for our 80s kung fu scene.

Just like that.

Complete with classic dub dialogue.

(CLASSIC 80'S KUNG FU MUSIC)

(BAD DUB) Where has the businessman gone?

There he is.

(ACTION STING) (ENGINE REVS)

He thinks a motorbike can stop us. Ha ha ha.

(SNARLS)

Get them!

Go, go, go, go, go!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(YELLS)

Oh!

Your kung fu is weak, old man. Pathetic.

Can't you give up?

I'll get you Raj and Charge!

(BOTH YELL)

(GONG BOOMS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Nice.

Thanks, guys. Thanks.

We'd had a great first taste of kung fu.

Rom had his set piece,

but now We wanted to know how to take our kung fu to the next level.

You need more than just wire fu OK? You need kung fu.

So I'm going to send you guys to the birth of martial arts.

You guys are gonna go Shaolin to the heart of kung fu.

You guys are gonna do hard training, man.

We're going Shaolin. Thank you very much.

- Cheers, Shaolin. Thank you. - Thank you.

Cheers. Thank you.

Sifu, sifu. Go!

Oh. Bye bye.

(LAUGHTER)

The next day, we were leaving Hong Kong

and heading 1000 miles north to China's Henan Province.

Dengfeng is known as the cradle of kung fu.

And this is where the Shaolin martial arts system was born.

Shaolin is literally a way of life here.

And we'd come to the International Shaolin Dragon Academy,

where kids as young as six train every day.

(EPIC MUSIC)

I mean, I've got to tell you,

this is the most Chinese thing I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah. And you've had sweet and sour chicken.

I've been Hong Kong, mate.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

My first observation... Yep.

...the teacher student ratio on this is absolutely unacceptable.

No, it's not on, is it? You need two more members of staff.

And are they paying for this? Is this private or is this a state?

If this is state education,

we need to go back home and tell them to prepare.

This country's gonna a takeover. Oh my God.

For a lot of the kids here, this is just the first step.

The dream is to one day make it to the iconic Shaolin Monastery.

(TRADITIONAL CHINESE MUSIC)

Built 1500 years ago in China's Songshan Mountains,

just moments from the academy,

the Buddhist temple became famous as the home of the warrior monks,

whose physically extreme and dangerous training

has become the stuff of legend.

Basically, their double hard and don't feel pain.

How's the body feeling?

Feels great.

Paco had sent us here to train,

and our first lesson was going to be with some warrior monk disciples.

Don't sound like a laugh, does it?

(YELLING)

This is for if an enemy is at the top of the stairs.

Yeah. Get to them quick. Yeah.

We were training with Sifu Yan Chin, a master of Shaolin,

with over ten years experience and helping Sifu was Mr Liang.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Are you sure you want to join us?

You want to try? Are you sure?

Are we sure? Yes.

Yes. We want to try our best.

What actually does kung fu mean? What is kung fu?

Does it help you become better as a Buddhist through training?

First, you have to change your clothes.

OK? Yeah.

We'll get changed.

We've been told kung fu means a skill earned through time

and hard work.

And we're about to find out what that meant.

(GIVES INSTRUCTION) (ACTION MUSIC)

(YELLING)

(BOTH STRUGGLING)

I thought Buddhism was all about not too much of anything,

you know, moderation.

OK, let's do it. Go, go, go!

Oh, fuck. Sorry about- You go.

Even Buddha don't look like he's on the staircase every day.

Keep jump. Keep jump!

This is impossible.

Two minutes in, and I already wanted to stop.

Romesh, be careful.

Sifu just started battering me for going slowly.

Be careful. (PAINED GRUNTS)

What then happened after that is he was only paying attention to me.

OK.

He would stand at the bottom of the stairs until it was my turn.

And then just follow me with the stick.

Just battering me across the ass.

(PAINED CRIES)

I'd say it's a toxic training method that.

(PAINED CRIES)

Just absolutely beating the shit out of you.

Oh, my ass is killing me.

Well, you're getting a right ol' spanking.

THIS time, Master says climb down. Climb down?

Yeah. Climb down. Alright.

We'd spent an hour running, hopping and jumping up steps.

But the most humiliating exercise was still to come.

I've learned, basically, just don't be as shit as Romesh

and you'll get by.

Oww!

That's how I've approached every physical activity

we've ever done on this. (GROANS) Oww.

Literally taking the beating for me.

I quit kung fu.

I'm a celebrity get me- Oww!

I'm a celebrity! Get me out of here!

Rom had tapped out and the cardio session was over.

Oh, we've got to be done ain't we?

But Sifu had more pain in store.

The Shaolin press up.

After an hour of stair torture,

strength training was the last thing we needed.

You got to go a bit lower, Rob.

I feel like a fucking scorpion.

Fucking hell.

Gonna carve me. Hold on, hold on.

I saw this in American History X.

The last one. Last one. (PAINED GRUNT)

Up. Rom your legs,

my legs have got to be lower. Last one, last one.

He fucked me over with the push ups.

He couldn't squat. My heels are nearly in the back of my head.

Up, up, up, up.

(PAINED GRUNT) OK.

Thank you. OK, change back over.

Don't touch the ground.

Fuck it, I can't go much lower.

Ow!

(PAINED GROANS)

I hate it, but I like it.

Sifu had seen enough.

We were broken.

But unfortunately, this was just the beginning.

You've got a right ol' pasting.

I just ran away from him and he got you. Sorry.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Our afternoon session was taking place

at the foot of the Songshan Mountains.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

13 fists?

My mate at school had 13 fists on VHS.

Sifu was going to teach us the basic forms of Shaolin kung fu.

Thank you. Please don't hit me with that.

And thankfully, it didn't involve stairs.

Unfortunately, Shifu was still as handsy as ever.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

He got us to copy one of the students

doing each of those different forms.

(GRUNTS)

But what he's not telling you is how you're going wrong.

Thank you.

(PAINED CRY) (LAUGHS)

I mean, he likes hitting people with sticks.

And I say people. By people, I mean Romesh Ranganathan.

Look at this side.

He really enjoys hitting me with a stick.

Ah!

Oh, fuck.

Eventually, as is the case in many kind of high security prisons,

you just accept whatever's coming to you.

(PAINED CRIES) Right on the fucking knee.

Behind your knee. Different sound.

Behind your knee. OK. Just- You can say it.

Here's the next move. And you just go, here we go.

And we just wait for the beating.

Romesh isn't low enough. OK.

Shut up, you fucking grass!

Oh fuck me!

That was so hard.

He's a little snitch.

OK. It's really disrespectful, they way he just, like, throws it about.

What are you gonna say to him?

Nothing. Yeah, that's what I thought.

That means prepare. (CRIES OUT)

Ten forms in, and finally, the little grass

was getting a taste of the stick.

But luckily sifu found his reactions to being hit quite entertaining.

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

Cannot laugh. Do I think we did OK?

No, I don't. But do I think we did it? Yeah.

It's finished form.

You know, the big fear was that he was going to go right,

you've mastered 13 fists.

Now the students are going to turn on you.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Did you ask about your party trick?

No. That's fine. Thank you so much.

You sure? You wanted-

Romesh would like a skill, party trick, to be able to show.

To show people at home.

Is there anything that you could recommend?

No. It's OK. Don't worry about it.

Oh, brilliant. Great. Thank you. Thanks, Rob.

Is it a strip thing?

(ACTION MUSIC)

(GRUNTS)

Oh!

Oh my God.

Wow.

I don't know what about what we've done today

made him think that was going to be something I could attempt.

Is there anything just slightly easier than that?

So then he had this thing where he sort of helicopters

the chain and sort of jumps up and down on his ass.

That? I had a go at that.

It turns out I couldn't even get the chain under my ass,

let alone start jumping.

No! Oh!

Jump, jump.

Can we try something else?

Anything easier? That's the most easy?

Stick. Stick. Stick trick. OK, great.

We'll do a stick trick.

Rom was excited about the stick trick until he saw what it was.

(YELLS)

The fuck?

Sifu was going to teach me the ancient Shaolin art of Iron Body.

The idea is that by channelling Qi, the body's vital energy,

you can resist pain.

It takes years to master.

I had about 30 seconds

before he planned to put my training to the test.

OK.

Gor, fucking hell.

Three.

Two.

One.

(YELLS)

Ohh.

(EPIC MUSIC)

Yes, Rom!

So, look, you know, I was hoping for a party trick.

You know, I don't want to make a big thing about it,

but the man had been hitting me with a stick all day.

So the party trick would be to hit me with a stick so hard it breaks.

So, yeah, it was incredibly painful.

But obviously I don't want to let on because he might hit me again

because I've shown some sort of weakness or something.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Yes, yes. Yes is what we'll say here.

We'll need to find more people to do kung fu with.

For example, you can open a kung fu club.

Something like this. We should do that, yeah.

Do a kung fu club. Yeah.

We can be Sifu in UK?

I was amazed when he said,

are you going to continue practising kung fu when you leave?

If I was him, I would have thought,

we need to distance these two pricks from kung fu

as quickly as you possibly can.

Imagine we go back and we open a kung fu school

and they say, who did you learn from?

We show a photo of him.

I mean, that's him done. Somebody'd come over here and go, mate,

put the stick down. It's over.

You're a fucking charlatan.

But opening a kung fu club wasn't the only curve ball

sifu was throwing our way.

Oh. OK. Well, what an honour. Thank you very much.

Thanks so much. Thank you. All the best.

Go this way? They're going that way. Should we go this way?

- I don't think we should go with them. - OK, Cool.

We were going to perform in the Shaolin Zen music ritual.

A huge outdoor spectacle staged just beneath the Songshan Mountains.

And our day training at the Shaolin Temple

had been unforgettable.

When he said after this lesson,

I hope you can open a kung fu club where you live,

I started to think, is this a pyramid scheme?

Or is it a great spin off idea for Sky?

Yeah, potentially. If the Dyer's can open

a caravan park, why can't Rob and Rom open a kung fu centre?

If they can pretend to open a caravan park

- we can pretend to open a kung fu school. - Absolutely.

Maybe you can open the kung fu school at Danny Dyer's caravan Park.

Oh, bloody hell. We've got Rob and Rom turning up today.

Fucking mugs.

Wanna open a fucking kung fu school, silly bastards.

We need someone to do some entertainment for the kids

at the fucking caravan park. I don't know what they're doing.

Karate, judo, kung fu. It's all the same, innit?

Right, let's go and do this performance ritual.

(EPIC CHINESE MUSIC)

(EPIC CHINESE MUSIC)

The Shaolin Zen music ritual is one of the most renowned

martial arts shows in the world.

Scored by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's

Oscar winning composer Tan Dun,

it combines Shaolin kung fu with Zen Buddhist music.

To help us prepare for our stage debut tomorrow,

sifu had arranged for us to get a sneak peek at tonight's performance.

It's very well choreographied. Choreographied?

Choreographide?

Choreographed. Choreographed.

Fucking hell. (LAUGHTER)

Mad little show ain't it. I've never been anywhere like that.

Where, like, the backdrop of the show is the mountains.

It's mental because it's like the theatre

is the- the environment.

Not a theatre. So what is theatre?

Bloody hell. I'm fully zen.

The story follows a young monk's journey through discipline,

martial arts and meditation towards enlightenment,

and it was fair to say, there was a lot going on.

I think, um, it was like a some sort of village

and it was just people getting on with their day.

I think there was some laundry happening.

I think there was a kung fu school,

which Rob and I are obviously particularly interested in,

and there's lots of sticks.

What if they get a volunteer out and they start beating them?

I might put my hand up if they do. (LAUGHTER)

This epic production features nearly 600 monks,

martial arts students, and dancers,

all of whom are trained for years for the honour

of earning a place in the cast.

But we had no idea where sifu thought we'd fit in the show.

There's no part that we can do.

Sifu thinks we're ready to open a kung fu school,

so I'm not being funny,

I think sifu knows his kung fu,

what I don't think he knows is level of qualifications.

We're not ready to be in the show.

We're not.

(EPIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

Wow, what a show.

What a- Amazing, weren't it?

Can't wait to be in that. Shitting it.

(TRADITIONAL CHINESE MUSIC)

The next day, we were heading back to the huge natural stage

to prepare for the show later.

Hello!

We were meeting creative director Miss Song

and her assistant Lily to find out what we'll be doing.

Hi. (SPEAKING CHINESE)

We're very honoured. So, what are we doing?

What are our parts? There will be one rose flag waving.

You've been doing a lot with flags over the last few months

haven't they? No. No.

Let's not go down that route. Yeah, sure.

But actually, the longer I spend with you, I might put one up.

Paint a roundabout or something.

You guys will do the flags in sync with like almost 40 people.

So it's very important to keep it on beat and on time.

Right.

But sifu said you guys are capable of doing it.

So I believe in sifu. OK.You believe in sifu?

Not after he thinks we're good enough, but OK.

Yes, I do believe in sifu. Yeah, and I believe we're going to be great.

- We won't let you down. Yeah. - Probably.

We're very honoured to be here to do it.

In a few hours,

we'd be taking part in one of the show's biggest set pieces.

As Shaolin Monk flagbearers,

we'd be on stage with hundreds of other performers.

Miss Song was going to guide us through it

with the help of seasoned performer Mr Chen.

Sorry.

I keep hitting yours, Mr Chen.

Like one, two. Very clean. Yes.

And strong. Yes. Thank you. Big thumbs up.

Love it up, Mr Chen. Let's go.

The main thing we had to master was the sequence and the timing.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Wrong direction.

It's from the right to the left and up. Yes.

Did I go the wrong way? Oh, sorry.

You should come down the old working men's club will teach you.

I should ruin what they did outside my mum's house.

No, no. Is that wrong again?

Rom was all over the place.

She's saying that don't have time to practice this

since you don't get it that fast.

And just like that, I was getting pulled from the show.

It feels a bit harsh. She's not as nice as she seems.

It looks like it's Rob and Mr Chen versus.

OK, well good luck.

I'm looking forward to your piece to camera. Alright.

See you later.

It turns out, he's better at flag waving.

You got this, Mr Chen. It's just in his blood.

All he needs to do now before he goes home

is to do it in time with shouting 'Send them home'.

God forbid part of the performance is roundabout painting.

Then it's all over for me.

How can't you do the flag?

(LAUGHTER)

Flag's well easy, How am I doing it? I don't know.

Rob had found his calling with the flags,

but Miss Song still had a role she thought I could do.

Unbelievably, though, it involved sweeping with a broom

with some Shaolin moves sprinkled in for good measure.

Mr Chen was going to show me how it was done.

Sweep.

Sweep.

So it's three, three sweeps. And then turn.

Oh. Really twat someone.

One. Sweep.

Are you serious?

Demo over. And I didn't fancy my chances.

This is a shit show.

How have I- How am I doing the more difficult thing

now that I fucked up that one.

But if I was going to have the honour of performing,

I had to give it a go.

The sweeping part I was fine with.

The twatting bit with the brush shimmy was doable.

But then there was Mr Chen's special move.

(LAUGHS)

I was being given the simple version of the ending.

So it's like warrior. Warrior pose.

With the light going and the performance approaching,

I was still struggling.

He's had a howler, the flag's much easier than this.

And then is it this?

Kung fu episode if anyone's wondering.

Like that?

The kung fu episode.

And even after a lot of practice,

it was fair to say, I wasn't looking forward to the show.

Let me tell you how this evening is going to go.

I'm going to mess this up. Sifu is going to turn up.

Take this off me and beat me with it.

That is the most likely outcome tonight.

I'm going to go how did I do sifu? And he goes, give me that.

And then he'll just clobber me to death.

A few hours later, the crowd was settling in

for what promised to be an incredible show.

(EPIC CHINESE MUSIC)

As the audience enjoyed the spectacle...

...we were backstage redefining cultural appropriation.

So... here we are.

The good thing is, if the costumes weren't embarrassing,

at least we're wearing hairnets.

So that we didn't stand out amongst the Chinese guys.

And why are you dressed as a Muslim cleric?

Feels a bit like you're on the news as one of the Muslim leaders

when something's kicked off in a borough.

You know, once you get the flag,

it looks like we'll be on opposite sides of the war.

I don't understand what's going on.

Can I- Out of everything I've ever done.

I don't understand any of this. I don't know where I am.

If honestly, if you all left now,

I wouldn't know how to fucking get home.

Rob. I ain't got any money.

Rob. Rob. I just wanted to learn kung fu.

What the fuck are we doing?

Why- Why as part of my kung fu journey,

am I sweeping a floor in front of an audience?

Yeah. Dressed as a man that is a Muslim.

Yeah. Or a Muslim man, as it's called for short.

Yeah. Anyway, good luck.

Yeah, good luck. Salaam alaikum, my brother.

See you on the other side of the war.

Let's go. Let's kung fu.

Now, we just had to wait for our cue.

But backstage, we had a surprise visitor.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

It's your mate. Look.

Last minute.com

You alright mate?

You getting a last minute training session?

Sifu. Oh that one.

You look a bit like Master Splinter from turtles.

Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

My flag guys were already on stage, and soon I'd be out there too,

taking my place high up on the left hand side of the Shaolin Temple.

Give him a bit of money.

Too much?

The flag bearers had blown away the audience with the first part

of their performance. Now I was joining them.

Is this me? Me here?

My hairnet and outfit actually blended me in a little too well.

Flag waving, very difficult to commentate on this.

It's the same thing over and over again.

He's done well.

Another good one.

Oh he's- He's cocked it.

Somehow I've done a wrong.

I'd overthought it and went the wrong way.

There we go. There we go. That's it.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I did it wrong. I saw, I saw.

I got too relaxed. (LAUGHTER)

So I would say it's a mixed bag.

I waxed on when I should have waxed off.

Yeah, well, I did that in rehearsal. I got demoted to sweeper.

Yeah, but- well, you know, it's the first time.

It's my first time doing kung fu. Yeah.

The next scene was coming to an end, and as the performers did

more spectacular moves...

...the thought of going out on stage with my broom

wasn't filling me with joy.

You might be up here, mate. The lighting's on.

Oh, God. Fucking hell.

It's a lot of spotlights on one man sweeping.

Will you- You're trying to get- Sorry. (LAUGHS)

What's wrong with you?

Go, go!

Good luck, Rom. Oh, God.

God, I feel like he's going to his death.

Oh, God.

He's bowing.

Yes! And he's off.

He's only sweeping.

So far, so good.

But what I hadn't been told was one of Mr Chen's disciples

would be performing on the upper level.

And his skill level was making me look like

I was in the sweeping bottom set.

Go on, Rom.

Yes, Rom.

This is the big moment, mate.

Yes, Rom!

Don't make any silly mistakes. You're bringing it home.

We're two nil up. Keep going, son.

That's it. Big finish, big finish.

And...

What the- What the fuck is that?

I don't know. I've got it wrong. Is that new?

Oh, God.

(APPLAUSE) Smashed it. Well done mate.

I've messed up that last bit completely.

Yeah, massively. (LAUGHTER)

But you did the first bit well. That went really badly.

We'd done it.

We'd performed on the biggest stage either of us had ever stepped on

an amazingly, we'd even been invited to join the encore.

Thank you Wembley. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Sure, Rob had waved his flag the wrong way,

and I'd somehow managed to make sweeping look difficult,

but really, there was only one opinion we cared about.

Sifu.

You are Shaolin kung fu.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you very much. Oh. Thank you, thank you.

Bye. Take care. Bye bye.

Bye.

We're kung fu, baby.

There we go then. There you go.

Mission complete. Kung fu mastered.

I was thinking, I don't quite know kung fu,

but then when I swept the floor for the third time,

I thought, yeah, I do. That's kung fu done.

You've got your party trick, didn't you?

I mean, what have I got?

If I've got three guys turn up with a crane, I can do some wire fu.

Yeah. If I can get sifu's visa sorted out,

I can do the arm trick.

I'll tell you what else I've learned,

I've taken away from this,

I can go upstairs in about eight different ways.

So that's handy.

I'll tell you what, if I'm dealing with an enemy

who's on a different floor, you're in deep shit.

Yeah, absolutely. You wait till I get up there.

I'm either going to hop up there or I'm going to bear crawl up there,

or I'm going to get my mate to put his feet on my thighs

and do some press ups at you.

Yeah. And we'll make slow progress, but we'll get you.

- Yeah, we'll get you, eventually. Stay there. - Stay there.

You stay there, you little shit. We're gonna come and kung fu you.

We'll be absolutely fucked by the time

we get to the top of these stairs. Anyway, we've got, you know,

we've got party tricks, and your mates are going to be

really impressed with your new flag skills when you get back.

Marching down the high street.

Bloody hell. Do you see Rob at Epping?

Absolutely smashed it. Fucking destroying it.

He brought four other guys that were doing it in choreography.

I go, guys, look, why don't we just go like,

why don't we just if we're going to do flags, let's do it properly.

OK. Let's not have them upside down. Let's give it a good ol'-

Home.

Still doing it wrong, aren't I? Yeah, yeah.

Kung fu boy. Kung fu.

Well done, mate. Well done.

You did really well. Gonna backflip off this.

We've got to set up this bloody kung fu school.

Lesson one - sticks.

? Everybody was kung fu fighting

? Those kids were fast as lightning

? In fact it was a little bit frightening

? But they fought with expert timing

? There was funky Billy Chin

? And little Sammy Chung

? They were chopping them up, they were chopping them down

? It's an ancient Chinese art

? And everybody knew their part

? From a feint into to a slip and a kicking from the hip

? Everybody was kung fu fighting

? Those cats were fast as lightning

? In fact, it was a little bit frightening

? But they fought with expert timing

? There was funky Billy chin and little Sammy Chung ?

Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0