Original subtitles

Woe unto man, brave Achilles slain in trial by blood, for prize the

bride of Menelaus, and father of Antigone, ruler of Thebes, self-rendered

sightless by lust for expiation, lost victim of bewildered desire.

Nor has Jason's wife fared better, giving life only to reclaim it in

vengeful fury.

For to understand the ways of the heart, is to grasp as clearly the malice or

ineptitude of the gods, who, in their vain and clumsy labors to create a

flawless surrogate, have left mankind but dazed and incomplete.

Take, for instance, the case of Lenny Wine Rib, a tale as Greek and timeless

as fate itself.

Lenny, let's have a baby.

Baby? Why? Because she's pregnant. You want to have a baby, right? You could

raise your own middleweight. I don't want a middleweight. A flyweight.

It'd be fun.

Have you ever had children?

No, I never had a child. Why not?

Why not? Because my first wife didn't want to have a child, and then I never

remarried. Oh, that's great. What am I, child labor? Until now.

You didn't let me finish. No.

But now you changed your mind. You didn't want to have a child.

It's like stereo.

Give him a break.

You don't want to get... When we first met, she didn't like the beach. She

hated the Hamptons. She didn't want to have kids.

She loved the Upper East Side. She didn't want to move. Now, suddenly,

she's making noise about having a kid and moving to Tribeca. No, only if the

gallery moves downtown.

Well, being pregnant is great. Yeah? I love it. You get treated like the Queen

of England. Yeah, you say that like it's a good thing. Well, I love the

pampering. Yeah? Yeah, it's fantastic.

Yeah, I can't give up the time right now. There are too many exciting things

happening in my business.

So let me ask you a question.

What? How do you plan to swing it without being pregnant? I'm curious.

It's a good question. It's a very good question. No, it's easy. We'll adopt.

Oh, well, not me. I don't want to adopt.

Why not?

That's a good idea. No, because it must be nuts. With my genes to adopt, I have

award-winning genes. Oh, my God.

No,

that's crazy.

It's for the same reason we don't lease the car, okay? Because it's pride of

ownership. And I don't want to adopt a child. No, look, I'm sorry, Lenny, but

it's crazy. because the world is full of needy kids. No, she's right. That's

true. No, but that, you know, but... No, I mean it. I mean, why overpopulate the

world when there are thousands of parentless kids?

It's because you don't want to get morning sickness, right? No, that's not

true. It's not true.

I just can't afford to give up a year just now.

Forget it. The subject is closed. I don't know.

I'd be afraid that I might get a bad seed.

Oh, come on. That's right.

You read that in the tabloids.

No. That's right. We adopt some sweet little boy, and then he turned 13, we go

to sleep at night, he'd split our head open and relax.

That's a good way to have to go and tell him that. You know Lenny's got a vivid

imagination. It's a common occurrence. I read the same paper. What do you want me

to tell you? Anyway, what do you mean he?

Why can't we adopt a girl?

We're not adopting anything.

No sex. Let the guy have a short stop or a point guard, will you? Can we get a

check? Can we please get out of here? I'll take the check. I'm paying tonight.

Yes, I'm stunned. You break your record. You want one more, and you break

DiMaggio's record 56 straight. That's not true, now. Be nice.

Laius, proud father, speak.

I with joy did have a son, so fair, so clear-headed and brave, that I a

thousand pleasures did derive from his presence.

So what happens?

One day he kills me, and don't you think he runs off and marries my wife?

Poor F. King of Thebes.

My son, my son did slay unwittingly my noble husband and did without realizing

hasten with me his loving mother to lustful bed.

And a whole profession was born, charging sometimes 200 an hour and a 50

-minute hour at that.

And why a child now out of left field?

One hopes it's not to fill some growing void in their marriage. Leave her be.

A woman's urge to motherhood is old as the earth.

Children grow up. They move out.

Sometimes to ridiculous places like Cincinnati or Boise, Idaho.

Then you never see them again.

You'd think once in a while they'd pick up a phone.

But is there a growing void in the Weinrib's marriage?

We didn't say there was.

We're all just speculating on possible motives.

Children are serious stuff.

Look, here's a man who killed his father.

And slept with his mother.

I hate to tell you what they call my son in Harlem.

Hello? There's a baby we can adopt.

Are you serious?

I spoke to Carolyn Hester, and she's found an infant for us. But we have to

act quickly.

I don't want a kid.

Well, Lenny, you know how hard it is. The baby's one day old, totally healthy,

unwed mother, no diseases, and it's a boy. You wanted a boy.

Amanda, I can't get into this with you now. This is not the place to have this

discussion. I told Carolyn to be on the lookout. She's experienced with

adoption. She knows what she's doing.

It's a boy, healthy, born this morning, no strings, if we act quickly.

Look, I got to put my foot down. You know, if you want to discuss this

another time, we can, but if you've got to have a fast answer, it's definitely

no.

Hi!

Hi!

He's adorable.

Yes. Oh, God.

This is great. This kid is never going to be a fighter, you know? I got to run

out and get some weights because he's really, he's light as a feather. Yeah,

perhaps I should have him back.

Yeah, maybe you better have him back. He's crying.

He's crying.

Okay, it's okay. It's okay.

If there's any greatness in my hands, let it pass into your body. Get a grip

on yourself.

This kid is going to be a great kid.

He's fabulous.

What do you want to call him? Oh, this is unbelievable.

What about Eric?

Eric, the kid's not a Viking.

I want to name him for one of my heroes. Like what?

What about Groucho?

Groucho? Oh, get real.

No, I'm serious.

It's a great, you know, I don't know. What about Phineas? Do you like Phineas?

Phineas? Are you joking?

Phineas is the guy who forecloses on the mortgage. I don't want to call this kid

Phineas. He's adorable.

That's so cool. Let me think.

What about Django?

Django? Django, yeah.

Django Reinhardt, the great guitar player. Django Reinhardt?

See, that's the curse of the wine rib name. It doesn't go with anything.

Nothing goes with the wine rib. Well, okay, okay. What about something simple

like, you know, Ben?

Ben? You want to call him Ben Wine Rib, which is going to be a gin rummy

champion? I mean, you know. You want to deny your heritage?

Well, you know, I just want the kid to have a great name.

What about Sugar Ray Wine Rib? Holden, after Holden Caulfield. You see, Holden

is one of those things that works if we use your maiden name, if it's Holden

Sloan, but not Holden Wine Rib.

Kid is so cute.

I can't yeah, what about what about cold cold wine rib Harpo wine rib Earl

the pearl wine rib that would be so perfect God Okay, what about Shane you

like the name Shane Shane's pretty would be okay Yeah, on the other hand you

wouldn't want to you know, a Supreme Court justice called Shane I got it. I

got it Brilliant. This is so brilliant. Got it ready. Are you ready?

Thelonious wine rib.

Max! What about Max?

Max? Yeah, Max.

Max? Oh, look how cute he is. I want to hold him. Max is okay. Dr.

Max Wine Rib. I like the name Max. Yeah, Max is good. It's simple.

How about have a Senator Max Wine Rib?

Well, don't. Rabbi Max.

Rabbi Max Wine Rib? Maybe we should rethink Max for a minute.

He's so great.

I think he likes us. He looks like you a bit.

Looks like me?

Yeah.

That's like Robert Crawford.

He's so smart. Yeah.

He picks up on everything.

Well, he's got a great personality. You know, you see, you wake him up, he's

always smiling and upbeat.

You were like that when you were a baby. Yeah, he's so verbal.

Well, he's around a writer and an art expert, right?

Yeah. When are you going to move the gallery down? Yeah, Mother, we don't

want to get into that discussion because, you know, I think we should

move and Lenny is a devoted Upper East Sider.

Or shall I say, as opposed to change in any form.

It's unbelievable.

It is unbelievable.

I got him trains.

He put them together. He put the trains together himself. Trains? I thought you

bought him an erector set.

I got him an erector set, yeah. And I also got him his tricycle. And the whole

plastic kitchen.

I am so much. Look at that.

I can't buy him so much. No, no, I also got him skates.

Skates? Yeah, and I got a couple of more things on the way in. You know, a small

truck is going to pull up in front of the house. What are you going to get

next year? Does anyone want anything to drink?

Go ahead, go ahead, shoot.

Do you ever think about what you want to be when you grow up, Max?

I don't know, maybe an interior decorator.

What? Just kidding, just kidding. Well, don't kid. Here, come on.

Okay, those go in the bedroom. Can you follow me? Give me a hand with this. Why

did we move?

Why did we move? I told you we moved because, you know, your mother wanted to

move. Because, you know, the art gallery she works at has moved downtown, and,

you know, she wanted to move.

Who's the boss between you and Mommy?

What is the question?

Who's the boss between you and Mommy? Who's the boss? You have to ask that?

You don't know who the boss is between me and Mommy? No. I'm the boss, okay?

Mommy... Mommy's only the decision maker. There's a difference between...

Mommy says what we do, and I have control of the

channel changer.

Here's your crayons. Thanks.

Well, we're new in the neighborhood. We want Max to be really in the best

school. Oh, but this is it. Yes, because he's a very, very bright kid. I mean,

really bright. Yes, I know. I saw his test scores, and they're wonderful.

I know, and he's got a great sense of humor. He's a sweet kid. He's really a

sweet kid. Yeah, he's got a great personality.

Well, I wanted to talk to you about a special program that we have for bright

students. Really? He qualifies?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Sorry, excuse me.

When you hear his syntax, it's amazing.

You don't have to go but I really should go

I know.

We'll go with Bud. There's a second time this week we canceled something. Oh,

okay. I don't want to go with Bud. You know, I'm not married to Bud. Listen,

go. Can we not discuss it now?

Oh, God, that was embarrassing.

Well, just because I don't want to have dinner yet again with the world's

dullest couple. Yeah, well, someday they may sponsor me for my own gallery. I

said I'd go.

I'm going with you, but we've got tickets to a show. Yeah, well, this

time, please try and join, and don't sit there like some zombie all night. Hey,

last time I joined in, you got angry with me. Yeah, because we were

discussing the I.M. Payne Museum, not Muhammad Ali.

Well, my mind wandered. I can't keep on those topics.

Yeah. I just don't want to be the motor power of the Bender Gallery forever.

I want the Amanda Sloan Gallery.

Not Amanda Weinreich, because it's a euphony problem.

I hope they don't play like this.

What's the matter? You seem down.

No, I'm fine.

You're fine?

Something's on your mind, money.

Just last night, I was at one of those...

dinner parties again. Amanda, you know, last week she took me to Le Cirque with

the Dorians, and then last night it was with the Grossbards on Park Avenue.

And then after that, you know, we were driving home, and I don't know what to

say. You know, Saturday night, you know, we stopped for a light over on Park

Avenue. I looked out the window, and I see some guy and this pretty girl. And,

you know, they're walking home, and, you know, I don't know, the guy's carrying

the Sunday papers, and, you know, they look like... They were having so much

fun, you know, and, you know, I don't know, I remember how great it used to be

with me and Amanda in our first apartment, you know, how romantic it

was. You know, those days it was just a kick shopping together, you know, just

walking the New York streets.

You know, and then when Max came, you know, everything was so great, you know,

we had just terrific times.

I don't know, it's been so long since there's been, you know, the old passion

between us.

I don't know, but it was the first time I had any of those thoughts. You know,

they made me feel nervous.

You weren't too pleasant this evening.

Why? Because I said no about going to your boss Jerry Bender's house in the

Hamptons? I don't like the Hamptons. You know, you used to hate the beach

yourself. Yeah, not the way he lives. It's private and beautiful. What are you

getting so angry about?

You know, that's not what we want. I got a tick.

A tick? Oh, wow, big deal.

No, no, for you it wasn't a big deal, but I took my pants off. I had a black

thing living in my leg. For the potential contacts, I can put up with a

few ticks.

You know, it's like you're an international spy. You've got contacts

all the time. I plan to have my own gallery soon.

You changed unbelievably over the years. Oh, you know what, Lenny? People grow.

They grow.

Some people. You used to hate the beach. And Jerry Bender has got a crush on you.

What? This guy stares at you.

He mentally undresses you. That's his normal look.

It's not his normal look. If you looked at me like that, I'd hit him with a

brick. Or kiss him on the lips, maybe. Let's drop this, please.

Well, what do you mean? What do you mean you couldn't find it?

Well, I'm sorry.

You know, it's dark in here, and I... You know, we haven't done it in a while,

and then you got so angry at me. I wasn't angry. I wasn't angry. You were

fumbling, and I was getting out of the mood. Sorry, I couldn't find it. We

haven't been doing it in a while. Okay, okay, let's not get into a whole

discussion here.

I'm tired.

Every marriage goes through valleys and peaks, and this is like a valley. I

don't mind going through a valley, but I don't want to sink beneath sea level

here. Lenny, why rock the boat? You got a bright, beautiful wife. You got a kid

that you're crazy for. I'm not going to rock the boat. I'm here to tell you

about Max. They want to put him in a special class because he's got a high

IQ. Yeah, well, two bright parents. I mean, what do you expect? Whoever they

are.

It's like raising thoroughbreds. This kid must come from good stock.

He's good-looking, he's got a high IQ, he's got a great personality, and he's

amusing. This is not my doing. Amanda did the whole adoption. I just resisted.

I complained.

Yeah, well, I mean, a good father, a dynamite mother, produces a kid like

Max. I think the father's dead, you know, but... The mother...

Don't go any further!

I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it. How can I forget it? The

thought's been put into my head.

Oh, cursed fate, certain thoughts are better left undunk.

I'll bet this kid has a dynamite mother.

What makes you think he didn't inherit everything from his father?

Everything? That's very unlikely, but I'm gonna find out.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

I'll bet she's great.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the

ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

I'm gonna find out.

Please, Lenny, don't be a schmuck.

I remember the adoption vaguely because I'm somewhat friendly with Amanda.

It was not that long ago that we did it. I recall trying to expedite matters for

her. I somehow think it was a single parent with no father.

Right, exactly. So is it possible for me to get the name? I'd like the name of

the mother, if I could. That remains forever in our files.

Even if I have it, I can't give it to you. May I ask why you want to know?

Yes, because I'm curious about it, and I'm trying to get all the information

that I can.

So... Sorry, that's all I can help you with.

There's no possibility of... No, those are the rules. I'm the father of John. I

can't find out who... They're very firm. It's never done.

Mm-hmm.

How is the little boy doing?

Good. He's great. He's fabulous. He is?

Yes.

Say hello to Amanda.

There's no possibility that I could... I'm sorry.

Really sorry. No way.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

What are you doing, Wine Rib?

Confuse me. She's coming back in a minute. You are breaking the law.

There's no law. There's a higher law.

I can find out who my son's mother is.

The judge won't see it that way.

Keep the lookout for me, will you? For Christ's sake.

I'm the leader of the chorus.

So what? Look out. Get your friend Bud to help you.

Bud can't help me. Bud, you know, Ellie and Amanda are friendly. Bud can't keep

a secret. Why is it a secret? Why can't Amanda know? You can't argue my getting

in with your mother because she wouldn't understand.

You're guilty because you already have exaggerated notions about your son's

mother. It's understandable because things aren't going smoothly.

You know, that's why you will always be a chorus member.

Because you don't do anything. I act. I take action. I make things happen.

Well, hurry the hell up. I hear footsteps.

I forgot my... I dropped my manila envelope. I didn't realize it has an

important interview in it. With Roberto Duran.

You won't believe this, but he's heading for Pennsylvania.

Of all human weaknesses, obsession is the most dangerous.

And the silliest.

I'm looking for a former tenant here, a Leslie Wright.

Who are you?

I'm a friend of hers, and I believe she lived here at one time, a Leslie Wright.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember the girl that used to live here. You remember the

pretty one upstairs?

Yeah, she was only here for a while.

Who are you?

I'm just an old friend of hers, and I was trying to track her down. Do you

know where I could find her? Leslie Wales was her name, not Leslie Wright.

Leslie Wales?

She moved to New York.

You sure? Because I have Leslie Wright.

Did she get married?

And you have no other information? You don't know where I could find her or

anything? No. She was only here for a little while, I told you. Let me give

you my phone number. If anything turns up, I would love to locate her.

Thank you. You're welcome. Okay.

You have a phone call.

Mr. Lamont says he's from Philadelphia.

Oh. You gave him your number?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Bill Lamont.

That woman you were looking for, we asked another guy who said her name was

Leslie St. James.

Said she moved to New York City, talked about becoming an actress.

Leslie St. James?

Yes, sir, yeah.

There was a Leslie St. James who was a member of the Screen Extras Guild.

So that's that.

So what are you telling me? That she was a movie extra or a stage extra? Yeah,

that's all I have.

And there's an address, but, you know, this book's a few years old.

I'm looking for a Leslie St. James or maybe it's a Leslie Wales. I don't know,

but I think she lived here. Yeah, sure, I remember. It was a tall girl. She

changed her name to Linda Ash.

Linda Act?

Yeah, it was a fake name. She did sex movies.

Sex movies?

Yeah, you know, like Deep Throat, Skin Flicks.

Tall, blonde, hot, very hot. Really? Good looking? Oh, great looking.

Tremendous body.

How you doing? Hey, Lenny, how are you? Good, good.

Can I talk to you tonight? Yeah.

I need a favor.

Favor? About what?

You got friends in the adult film business, right?

Well, let's go know some more. Why?

I'm trying to locate an actress named Linda Ash.

You know which movie she did?

No. I was in the video, so I was trying to get a video, but, you know, I get

embarrassed because my neighbors saw me there, and, you know... I hear you.

Well, let me get back to you, Len. All right?

You know, I don't know why we have to do this. I don't want to spend the whole

weekend at Jerry Bender's. Oh, Lenny, please. We've been through this. There

are lots of important clients there.

You know, so what's... Meanwhile, this guy's gonna stare at you the whole

weekend and mentally undress you.

He is not. He's not. God, your paranoia is rivaled in history only by Joseph

Stalin.

I'm really glad you could make it out this weekend, Amanda. There's some

people around here. I think it's very important you should meet. Oh, thanks,

Jerry. I really appreciate it. I really do.

God, I love your sailboat. Yeah, it's fun, isn't it? Yeah.

Sorry the waves were so choppy, Lenny.

No problem. I don't mind throwing up into the wind.

You know, we could see that house next door at 3 o'clock, by the way. Is it

possible that I could just make one quick phone call?

Yeah. Ken?

Yes, sir. Oh, sorry. Can you show Lenny the private phone? Sure. Come on, Lenny.

It's right over here. Yeah, the house sounds exciting.

What are they asking again?

Amanda, listen, why don't you spend the night here tonight? What do you say?

We could go for a sail. You can't believe what the stars look like lying

on the back of a boat. Yeah, no, I'd love to. I really would love to. Well,

then do it. But, no,

he has to get back.

Really?

I got the skinny on Linda Raich.

She's been in a few films.

She's no star or nothing.

That's why you never heard of her.

She works under the stage name Julie Cum.

Mostly she's a hooker.

I got her number.

Julie Cum?

You never should have looked for her. Now I see big trouble.

God's sakes, you're such a Cassandra. I'm not such a Cassandra. I am

Cassandra. That's who I am.

I've got to check this thing out. You'll be sorry. I'm telling you, quit now.

Oh, and don't let Amanda talk you into buying the house next door.

This place? Yes, I see big problems with beach erosion and a heavy mortgage.

Well, I love that property.

Right near everybody.

Doesn't mean we have to see him all the time, but we have the option.

You're not afraid of beach erosion, right? Beach erosion?

Oh, come on now. You're such a Cassandra.

You gonna take a shower?

Yeah.

Yeah, can you fix something for dinner?

Yeah, I'll make the spaghetti, okay? Yeah, there's some sauce in the fridge.

Hello, is this Linda?

Linda, this is Lenny.

I got your number from Charlie Biggs.

And I wonder if it would be possible that you would have some time tomorrow

afternoon. You shouldn't do this.

Will you please stop it? You're going to cheat on Amanda?

I'm not cheating. I'm not cheating. I just want to see what she looks like.

You can get a disease. Aren't you scared of AIDS?

I'm not going to sleep with the girl. I just want to see what she looks like. I

want to get to know her or something.

Is it possible that we could meet at a hotel?

You're going to rent a hotel room with a hooker and not sleep with her? Leave me

alone. I want to talk to her.

How about the plaza on 59th Street? What are you doing?

At least pick an out-of-the-way spot.

Oh, Christ.

Linda, maybe it would be better if I... What about your place? Would that be a

possibility?

Uh-huh.

Uh, hold on one second.

Three o'clock.

Okay. Um, I'll be there, and it's Lenny.

Uh, Lenny Gildersleeve.

Okay. I can't believe this. I can't believe it.

Hi. Are you my 3 o'clock?

Linda Ash?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm Lenny. Hello, Lenny.

Come on in.

You're Linda Ash, right?

Yeah. Just we spoke on the phone? Yeah.

Are you okay? You look all white.

I'm okay.

Yeah. Do you want something to drink?

Maybe you have a little Perrier or something. What?

Just a little tap water or something. Oh, sure, I have that.

You're definitely Linda Ash?

Yeah, what's the matter? Are you a stroke victim or something? I told you

three times, I'm Linda Ash.

Oh,

you have a beautiful apartment.

Oh, thank you. I did it myself.

Oh, let me show you something I just got.

Isn't it a pisser? Oh, yes, it's magnificent.

Oh, yeah, I got a great sense of humor. That's something you're going to find

out about me. I'm funny and I can take a joke. You know, a lot of people can't

take a joke. Oh, no, I can.

They say that about me, too. Oh, yeah? That I have a good sense of humor. Oh,

good. Well, then you'll like this.

Look, I just got this. Somebody gave it to me.

See? As the mainspring goes back and forth, the bishop keeps fucking her in

the ass.

It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time. Oh, my goodness. It's a

disgust.

Lenny, the water today is a little bit brown. Would you like some Sprite

instead? I'm feeling a little dizzy.

Oh, no.

Come sit down.

I don't know why. Usually, you know, I'm just a picture of health.

Yeah? You work out?

Not religiously. Oh, I'm not religious either. Mostly my folks were

Episcopalian. Oh, are they?

So... So what do you do, Lenny? Oh, no. Wait, wait. Let me guess. I have a great

knack for guessing what people do for a living.

Um...

Rock salesman!

You're close. I'm a sports writer.

Oh, shit, I wasn't even in the ballpark.

Wait, wait, ballpark, sports writer, get it?

I get it.

I did it with the wrestler once, the huge hairy guy.

You'd figure he'd be hung like a horse, but there was very little there.

Look, could I just get a little water? I don't care if it's brown. Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mind rust.

I'm just feeling a little... Tell me, Linda.

Tell me about yourself, Linda.

Well, what do you want to know?

Anything. I just want to know about you. Well, basically, Lenny. Yes?

I'm an actress.

That's wonderful.

I like drama.

I study.

Yes? Where's that?

Paul DeLuca. Have you ever heard of him?

Paul DeLuca?

Yeah. But then I wouldn't. Oh, he's really well known. He's a genius.

I'm sure. I'm sure. He says he thinks I'm going to make it big.

Hmm. I know you will. Yeah.

Maybe you've seen some of my movies.

It's possible.

Did you ever see The Enchanted Pussy?

Not yet, but it's on my list. Oh, well, they're videotapes, so you could rent

it. But my real ambition is to be on Broadway in a musical. I sing.

Do you?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Izzy? Some of them are called John, all right?

Was that your husband?

Ha-ha, very funny.

No, but I mean, do you have no husband or family, no children or anything, or

anything like that?

Because some do.

You have a funny look on your face. Did I say the wrong thing?

No, not really. No,

no, listen.

What are you in the mood for, Len?

Me? Well, I'd like to, you know, we could chat for a while. I thought I'd

get into it slowly and, you know.

You're married, aren't you?

How can you tell that?

Because you got that look.

That look? What look is that?

That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.

Oh, that look.

I can understand.

Where are you from?

Around.

What are you so interested in me for?

It's my fingers.

Yes, I know.

Here, here.

Pull, pull.

Pull the string.

Pull these strings? Yeah, pull all the strings.

See, see what happens? I'm not so mechanical as I would. Oh, it's easy.

Here, pull.

Ah, see, it opens.

That's amazing science.

Yeah.

Oh,

really?

Well, you're a very attractive woman, a very beautiful woman.

Oh, thank you, Lenny.

Well, you're cute, too.

So what do you say?

You want to go inside, take a shower?

You can study me up close and personal. Oh, oh, no. See, I bathed already.

I took a lipstick on my... You smell clean.

Well, as I say, I'm basically... You're sensitive, huh? It's my weak spot in my

ear. Oh, okay.

A little nibbling.

Okay. Are you nervous?

I... No, but yes, I am nervous. You do look that way.

I've never done this, actually.

Oh, okay. Well, that's all right. I'll take it slow.

Oh, okay.

Incidentally, Len, I think I should tell you ahead of time I get $200.

It's no problem.

It's no problem. Thanks,

Lenny. Wow, you're really sweet, Len. Put it down as a religious contribution.

No, but seriously, you want to know why I liked you right from the start?

Why? Because I'm always attracted to losers.

Losers? You think I'm a loser?

Yeah. You've got no confidence.

It's sweet. I like that in a man. I can't stand those Johns who come in here

and throw down a couple of hundred and whip out a big dick and wave it all over

the joint.

I wouldn't do that even if I wanted to.

Ah, shit!

Hello. Oh, hello, Angela.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Oh, God, thank you for thinking of me.

Yeah, that's great.

Okay.

Yeah, well, I'll see you at 10.

Bye.

I just got a small part in an Angela Dawson movie.

I get to do it with her.

I don't understand you.

If you're serious about being a Broadway actress, what are you wasting your time

with all this porn for?

What's it to you?

It's a good experience.

How making it with a woman in front of the camera is a good experience? That's

going to get you closer to be a Broadway star?

What are you getting all mad for? I'm not mad. I just think it's crazy.

You're an attractive young woman. You know, what are you... You don't have to

live like this, Linda.

This is crazy. You take money from guys and you perform all these acts?

You could be... Hey, I'm talking to you. You could have a family. You could have

a husband and a child.

Would you want this child to think of you like this? Stop it now! Stop!

Now listen, I don't like possessive men. You come in here, you don't want to do

anything with me. You're telling me what to do. I want to talk. Do you want to do

it or not? I want to talk. I paid you. I want to talk. Oh, no. Okay.

I bought the time.

No, I'm giving it back. Keep the money. Refund. Keep the money. Let's go. No. I

bought the time. Hey, stop it. No, I'm giving it back. Why can't I talk? Get

out.

Daddy, why are you staring at me?

Come here.

You know why I'm staring at you?

I'm staring at you because I can't believe it. Because you're so bright and

you're such a great kid. Come on, Max, now. It's time for bed.

Come on.

Okay. Time for bed-ums.

Ready?

Kid's getting heavy.

He can walk, you know. Yeah. Can you walk?

Poor wine rib. Turn back.

Don't meddle any further.

Accept the truth.

I see disaster.

I see catastrophe.

Worse, I see lawyers.

But wait, a messenger.

I come from the Midtown area, where Lenny Weinrib, tortured by passions too

overwhelming to regulate, did indeed call this little hustler on the phone in

earnest attempt to see her again.

At first, he wrestled with his drives, trying to master a curiosity not slaked

by this initial meeting, but only whetted by it. His thirst to know this

woman more did inexorably provoke him to call her.

Nervous and confused, at first she only got her answering machine. Then, at

fifth try, she picked up the phone herself.

Painful to relate that she thought he was nuts and did not want to meet him no

how. Stop bothering me, creep, was her cutting declaration.

Then she used the F word.

Agonized, he called again, offering her abundant financial compensation just for

a brief chat.

But she bade him get off her back and slam the phone down.

Finally, in doldrums mixed with much anxiety, he stood watch outside her

apartment and waited until such a time as he did spot her heading for the

laundromat.

Okay, don't get upset or anything. I just thought we could have lunch.

I'll pay for your time. I just want to speak to you.

All right. What are you, some kind of fucking pervert?

Leave me alone. I'm not one of those psychopaths that kills prostitutes. I

promise you. Why would you ever say something like that? I'm joking. I'm

joking. I'm joking.

Well, listen, in my work, I have to keep an eye out for strange individuals. You

know, I knew a girl that got killed. All right. Hey, I got you some flowers here.

I got you some flowers.

Let's have lunch. I'll pay for it. I'll pay for your time.

I just want to talk to you.

So, then my mother married my third father. I mean, I don't know if she

married him, but he moved in.

We didn't get along. He was a disgusting drunk.

What about your hereditary father? Your actual, actual... Oh!

He was a drug pusher, and he was also a car thief, and he picked pockets, and,

you know, he burgled and stuff, and he was an epileptic.

Uh-huh. You haven't left anything out, right? Let's see.

Mail fraud.

Oh, mail fraud. Yeah, that's what they caught him on.

Uh-huh. Hey, you got an appetite like a lumberjack here.

Oh, well, thank you. I mean, it's fine. You can eat all you want, you know.

Yeah, I'm very hungry, actually.

Um, so then I ran away when I was 14.

Mm-hmm.

And I went away with this musician named Johnny.

And it was terrible, because we fought all the time, Lenny.

Finally, he committed suicide.

And for years, I thought it was because of my cooking. He always hated my clam

sauce. And so then, I kicked around from Chicago, Philadelphia, you know, all

over the place, and I ended up here.

And you never thought of just getting a regular job?

Oh, yeah, sure I did. No, I did things. I waited on tables. I worked in a

massage parlor. I did phone sex.

Now and then, I would, you know, turn a few tricks in order to make some dough.

And one day, my friend Susie calls me, and she asked me if I want to be in a

film, something called Snatch Happy.

And I said, sure.

And I would remember I was very nervous because I'd never done it in front of

people with a camera before, you know?

And so there I am on the first day on the set, and...

There's this guy fucking me from behind, right? And there's these two huge guys

dressed like cops in my mouth at the same time. And I remember thinking to

myself, I like acting.

I want to study.

Yes. Well, that's one way of getting into the profession.

Tell me about your family a little bit.

What? I told you already. You can write a book by now.

But were there any unusual members, very bright ones, brilliant or talented or

something?

I'm sorry there was.

My father's brother was supposed to be a genius.

I never met him, but everybody said he was brilliant. Really? What did he do?

He was a serial rapist. He spent his whole life in jail. But if he had gone

straight, he might have been very good in math. Good in math? Well, that's...

Yeah. I think I got my intelligence from him because everybody else in the family

is all slugs and lowlifes. I'm the only one with any ambition.

Are you? And you never had a drive to get married?

What for? They were all assholes.

One of them used to beat me up.

Another one used to fuck my best friend when I wasn't looking.

It was sickening.

Really? And let me ask you this.

At any point in your life, did you ever think, like, maybe I'd like to have a

child?

Um, I did have a child once.

Did you?

It was a sad story.

I'll tell you some other time when I know you better. If I ever know you

better.

Are you free this afternoon?

Why? You have some free time this afternoon.

Are you finally in the mood, Lenny? No, no, no, no, no. I have an assignment,

but I thought you might want to come with me because I think you'll enjoy it.

I'm going to bet on a horse, and if it wins, you can keep the dough.

Here's one.

Eager beaver.

I once did a film called Beaver Patrol about these boy scouts who find drunk

girl scouts in the woods, and they take them into a cabin, and they reach into

their packs, and they pull out these dildos, and then... All right, all

right, all right. Okay, well, are you sure you want to bet on Eager Beaver?

Oh, yeah, no, I know. It's 60 to 1. No! But it's 60 to 1. It's a sign. I know

it's gonna work. All right, all right. Famous last words, you know.

I got a hunch.

You got a hunch. Okay. Yeah. We'll bet on it.

Okay, so if he wins, how much do I make?

At 60 to 1, you make $3,000.

Oh, my God, I could get that blue chinchilla coat that I wanted. You could

get anything you wanted. I could get a jacuzzi. Except he's not going to win.

Oh, no, I know what I could do. I know what I could do, Lenny. Oh, my God. This

is great.

All right, all right. You know, I hope you're right. There's a reason the horse

is 60 to 1, though. You know, he's probably got polio. Oh, no, no.

No, this is a sign.

All right. My luck is going to change.

So is your real name Linda? Is that your actual name?

No. I use a lot of names. I mean, my born name is Leslie, but I like to use

names that have nice meanings, you know, like Mary for the Virgin Mary or Angel

or Linda, which means pretty in Spanish.

But my screen name's Judy Cum.

Mm-hmm.

Lucky there's not a horse with that name in the race. Oh, no, no, no. I mean, my

attorney friend would take that under advisement.

Mm-hmm. I got exclusive rights to that name. All right, all right, all right.

So let me ask you a question. Are you ever frightened that when a guy comes

over your house and pays you that he's gonna, you know, maybe like... tie you

up and kill you no no i always get paid in advance come on eager

beaver he's paying advance money they're coming down to the village

Yeah,

it's not, you know, not so terrible. I told you it was a long shot.

I never have any luck, never.

I never win a fucking thing in my entire life. Nothing, never.

You stay calm. You gotta learn to be a graceful loser.

If it's the money, I'll lend you the money. No, it's not the money, Lenny. I

don't care about the money. I just want it to win so badly.

What do you want to win for? We're just out here having a good time.

Because I wanted to impress you.

Impress me? You know, you're not running in the race.

What are you going to have to impress me?

Yeah, but I wanted to show you I could pick a winner.

Hey, listen, my horse didn't win either, you know.

Come on, you do impress me. You're attractive, you're quick, you have a lot

of energy, you're obviously a state-of-the-art philatrix. What?

Nothing, nothing. I'm impressed.

Lenny, don't say nothing.

I'm impressed. You think I'm stupid?

I don't think you're stupid, no.

You know, I think you're doing a stupid thing with your life, but I told you

that already.

Well, I don't understand why it matters so much to you. Hey, come on.

We'll say for one more race, and this time I'll bet for you. Let me make the

bet. Yeah, no, no, no. Come on, come on. We'll just go to the window. We'll make

one bet.

Please don't pick one that runs second, because I want a winner. Okay, Lynn?

Hey, you know they give these horses saliva tests. I can't guarantee

anything.

I gave you your winnings, right?

Yeah.

That was a great race.

Too bad the horse only paid 40 cents.

Well, it was a heavy favor, you know, and I bet him to come in third. At least

this way you get something.

Yeah.

So, you want to come in?

I got to go home. I got a wife and kid, you know.

You know, you only talk about me. You never talk about yourself.

It's late for me. I had a great time, but I got to go.

I feel I owe you a great fuck.

Do me a favor. Go upstairs, rest your Elsa, stay in tonight.

I can't stay in. I got six dates.

Six dates. A slow night for you, right? I wish I had the penicillin concession

in your apartment. I'd be wealthy.

All right.

So you're going to call me again?

I'm going to call you again? Yeah, I'll call you. Don't worry. You promise?

I will. I'll call you again.

Okay. I had a great time. Bye.

Congratulations. 35 years.

You and Amanda have a way to go, but you'll make it. You guys look so young,

both of you.

Your mother could be your sister, and you could be brother and sister.

I don't know where that puts me, but anyway.

She looks so beautiful, doesn't she? To me, she always looks beautiful.

I just always find her great.

You know, when I said sisters before, I mean it. You guys look so great.

It's a wonder.

With all the responsibility she has opening her new gallery.

It's a lot of work.

New gallery? No, I didn't tell you because, you know, I don't know until

it's 100% definite. Did I say the wrong thing? No, sure not. No, I just... It's

100% definite. You're so insecure.

It's happening.

Excuse me. I feel that.

It looks like I have the backing, but it's not totally definite.

Your mother said it was definite. Well, it seems as if I do have the backing,

and there is this wonderful space on Vesey Street, you know it?

Vesey, yeah. Yeah, down Soho, and it looks like, you know, we think we can

get it, and the Dorians are putting in some money, but...

Well, don't look so happy about it. I am happy. I'm very happy for you, but it's

the first I'm hearing of it, you know? And, you know, for your mother to tell

me. Yeah, well, I realize that for a time I'm going to be busier than usual,

and I know that's a sore point, but, you know, it'll be only until it gets off

the ground. Hey, I'm happy for you. You are?

Yes, I just would have liked to have known it. The Amanda Sloan Gallery.

Yeah, on PC Street. I think it sounds great.

Believe me, I haven't even told Jerry Bender yet.

You've got a fine right you have!

After the way you treated mother? After the way you treated us all?

A fine right you've got to come back in here in your best country manner and

strike attitudes and make stands and criticize my fiance and give orders and

mess things up generally as if you've done... Well, I can't help it. It's

sickening. As if he'd done nothing at all.

Well?

What do you think?

About what?

What about me?

You think I'm any good?

Yes, it's fine.

You know, you're asking the wrong person. I don't know that much about

acting, to tell you the truth.

Oh, I can tell you're not too impressed.

No, no, no. I just thought, you know, it's a very odd part for you to choose.

Why? You know, because it's the Philadelphia story.

But I lived in Philadelphia.

What has that got to do with it? I know the city.

What? Who can't? You know, you pick a part like this. You should get something

closer to yourself. It wouldn't be such a struggle.

Well, what part should I play?

I don't know.

Something closer. Clint Eastwood doesn't play a meek little hairdresser.

Well, I could play a hairdresser.

I used to do it a lot. I wanted to be one. I was very good at it. So why'd you

give it up?

Well, I don't know. One thing led to another.

I don't know. My aunt worked at a beauty parlor for years. She loved it.

Wait. You mean not be an actress?

Well, an actress is a very tough life, you know, but a hairdresser can always

make a buck.

A buck?

An honest buck. No beatings, no aids.

You can meet somebody that you, you know, get a family, have a real life,

someone that cares for you.

Hey!

Now, don't you think that I want to meet somebody and get married and get the

hell out of the rat race?

I would like to move away and become a mother and just raise kids. I don't even

want to be a hairdresser. If Clint Eastwood wants to be a hairdresser, just

let him.

You missed the point. Clint Eastwood doesn't want to be a hairdresser.

I had a kid, Lenny.

And I gave him up for adoption.

It's the sorriest thing I ever did in my entire life.

There's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't wake up thinking about him.

Now some lucky family has him, I just hope to God that they're taking good

care of him.

Why'd you give him up?

I don't know. I was... I was all confused. I had no dough. I... I didn't

know what to do. I... I didn't even know who the father was. It could have been

any one of a hundred guys.

Welcome to planet Earth thanks to a broken condom.

Gee.

It's tough.

What about your kid?

Max? You know, Max is the greatest.

Yeah? Well, sure.

Do you have a picture of him?

A picture of Max?

Yeah, I'd like to see him.

Oh.

Yeah, I guess I...

He's very sweetie.

You're very lucky.

With Amanda, it was fate. With Linda, it's hubris.

His drive to find out and now to change her life, to control her. Yes. Danger.

Wait. Wait, I see danger.

Wait a minute. I don't have any interest in controlling her. I'm doing this for

Max's sake.

When the kid gets older, inevitably he's going to trace his mother. And, you

know, I'd be happier if she was married than a hairdresser, you know, rather

than the star of the enchanted pussy.

Danger. I see horrible, horrible danger.

Terrible danger.

Hey, I can handle myself emotionally.

Not emotional danger. Physical danger.

I see a bald man.

He has a lead pipe.

He's breaking your kneecaps.

So how did Jerry Bender take it when you said that the decision was final?

You know what? He was amazing.

I thought he'd be upset, but no, he was very excited and very supportive.

No, he was absolutely great about it. Anyway, I'm calling to say I can't make

dinner tonight.

But you're kidding. It's going to be great.

You know, everybody in the Master Square Garden organization is going to be

there. Look, there's no way I can get away. The architects are here, and the

Dorians are in town from Paris, and the architects fly back to Milan tonight. I

can't.

All right, well, I'll tell you what. What I'll do is I'll go home, and I'll

put Max to sleep. I'll spend a little time there, and then...

Uh, let me... I'm gonna call you back. I got... I'm gonna call you back.

This is just against our policy. Do you want to wait right here? I understand.

Whatever.

Lenny, there's someone here to see you.

Yes.

Come in. Come in. This is Miss Gildersleeve. Do you know her?

Yes, Miss Gildersleeve.

It's okay. It's okay.

I'll be in here.

You don't need anything? No, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

What are you doing here? Lenny.

I've got to talk to you. Ricky threatened to hurt me. Who's Ricky?

He takes a percentage of my work.

He's a pimp, right?

No, he's like a business representative.

What do you mean a business representative? All you need is a

mattress and a couple of daughter belts. You're not a conglomerate. Lenny, he

said he was going to cut me up because I told him I didn't want to work anymore.

I think it's a great idea that you want to phase out. He has no qualms about

killing me.

We'll call the police. That's not a big deal. How can I call the police? with my

setup.

You know, I told you a thousand times you're in a hazardous business, so

that's what happens. Now, now... Don't go outside. I'm not going outside. I

thought just maybe if you could talk to him.

Me? What, are you nuts? Yeah, because you're smart and bright, and you got

away with words.

I can't talk to him. I don't even know the guy.

Yeah, well, he knows it was your idea that I get out of the business, so he

said he's gonna kill you, too.

He said who's going to kill me? Yeah, he said because it was your idea, he's

going to cut up my face and put a bullet between your eyes.

Really?

Did he specify the caliber? Listen, I just thought maybe you could just reason

with him.

No, I can't.

Listen, I never told you this, but I got a slight...

taught murmur, and right now it's murmuring hide.

I don't believe you're a coward.

Only in actuality. This is not for me. Lenny, I need your help. No, I'm not a

violent person.

I write about hockey and boxing and football.

You know, this is not my world. Lenny, I do want to quit like you said, but he

said he's not going to let me. He's going to hurt us both. Please.

Relax. Relax. What do you want me to do? How am I going to talk to him?

Well... Okay? You just talk because you're smarter than he is and you're

stronger than he is. You're a much better man.

So just remember that when you talk to him. He's a little bit intimidating.

He's got a bald head and an earring. But you'll win. I know you will. Jesus, I...

You're a good man, Lenny. You'll win.

Look, in case anything comes up, I want you to know that I'm type O positive,

okay?

Derek, I got the feeling you came here...

and obviously moved into this whole Nick persona. Did you get caught up maybe

with a little bit of this Nick, I gotta be physical, I gotta be tough, and

maybe... I'm Lenny Gildersleeve.

I'm a friend of Linda Ashes, and I thought that perhaps we could...

See, what I wanted to discuss with you is that it comes a time in the life

of every young woman, not just Linda, but everyone, that they want to

perhaps... make a change in their life. They maybe want to settle down or

explore alternative lifestyles. No, I don't think you've been a very good

influence on Linda, Mr. Wine Rib.

Wine rib, right.

So, Gildersleeve is a name that I use for business purposes.

I got an investment in Linda.

No question. I honor that. But by now, she's probably repaid you tenfold or

twentyfold. Don't be so fucking sure, because you don't know what the fucking

numbers are. It's okay. It's a point well taken. Excuse me. Excuse me. I

understand what you're saying. Is that a Pellegrino? Can I?

Because you've bent my throat now a little bit, and the windpipe used to

hang straight.

Well, fucking nicks suck.

You did a good job, Paul.

Yes, well, there's gonna be a three-way trade.

I don't know if you guys heard anything about it. Seattle, Atlanta, and the

Knicks are talking.

Bullshit. No, no, no, I kid you not. I know. It's in the air. They're

discussing a trade. So what do you think about the Nets? You think the Nets got a

chance? The Nets? Yes, I do. If they're injury-free, I think they have a good

chance. I like the Nets.

I think they're one or two years away is all. Well, I would say two or three

myself. See, we have a common interest, the three of us.

What were we talking about?

Linda. Linda Ash. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That girl's going no place.

She walks on me, I'll disfigure her and I'll fucking kill you.

See, that's exactly what Dr. Kleinholz would call acting out. Don't tell me how

to run my fucking business. I'm not. My girls do what I tell them to do. Far be

it from me to advise you. You obviously have a work ethic that's specific to

your needs.

That's why you can afford an establishment like this. You're going to

take that from him.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I'm about to have an out-of-body experience here. Show strength.

Show strength. This guy's gonna put me into 27 separate mason jars.

The girl was right. They respect strength. They despise cowardice. Power

is all they know. Stand firm. Remember brave Achilles.

Hey, don't get... Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have a full Achilles

body. Go on.

Look, I'm gonna level with you. I want to discuss this Linda Ash thing, and

I... What are you so interested in Linda for, anyway, huh?

Are you fucking her?

We have a strictly platonic relationship.

Yeah? It's a good shirt. Well, if you're a friend of hers, don't be putting

stupid ideas in her head.

She's liable to get hurt.

You too. You're gonna let him do that to you? Hey, look, would you do me a favor

and go back to Athens?

You're gonna let your son's mother remain a white slave to this two-bit

pimp? It's starting to look that way, isn't it? You get them Knicks tickets

yet? No tickets. I tried everywhere.

Do you need tickets to the Knicks game? Why? Who do you know?

Me? I...

I can help you. We want seats on the floor next to the movie stars.

Of course. If you want to discuss a deal with Linda, I can get you courtside

seats. You can't get them. Nobody can get them because I tried.

No, I can. No. I'm a sports writer. I can get them.

I'd fucking give you my mother for courtside seats, much less this cheap

little whore.

Perfectly put.

Succinctly put, I know what point you're making. But if you're trying to fucking

pull something.

I will shoot you and her through the fucking eyeballs.

It's silly to haggle over details.

You can... Well, I'll get the tickets. I'll get the tickets, I promise.

And we can discuss Linda.

Dad,

are you very brave?

Am I brave?

It's funny you should ask that question.

Who'd want to fight you versus Mike Tyson?

What?

What? Who would win what?

Who'd want to fight you versus Mike Tyson?

Me versus Mike Tyson?

Who do you think would win? You?

There'd be no contest.

You know, he would probably take the early rounds, but then I'd get to him

eventually. I'd chase him all over the ring. It's my style. Always was. On the

whole, I think it'll work. I think it'll work.

Yeah, I think it will. The only thing is, I want the gallery to be lit from

above, so I guess the skylight will have to be enlarged.

Honey? Bed?

Could you? Me or him?

Please? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't. Why are you

fighting this? Because I'm married, and I have a family, and I love Lenny.

I love him.

So who are you trying to convince, you or me?

I got you a present.

You're kidding.

Yeah, for fixing things up with me and Ricky.

I know that he can be really rough. That was completely unnecessary. Very sweet,

but completely unnecessary.

Well, you didn't want a blowjob, so the least I could do is get you a tie.

Good thinking. Oh,

yes, it's a tie, isn't it?

Would you ever wear anything that bright?

You know, if the occasion demanded, you know. If I ever get invited to the Mardi

Gras, I could... Oh, good.

Lenny, do you want a sandwich? I'm gonna have a sandwich. No, I'm fine. Thank

you. Oh, okay.

It's great.

Good.

You know what, Lenny?

I couldn't get your son's picture out of my mind.

Well, he's a very cute kid, you know.

Yeah.

Len, I think I would be a good mother.

I think you'd be a great mother. You're very affectionate, you know.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

I would like to start over again.

Maybe have a house.

That would be nice. It would be great. You know, I think it would be fabulous.

And you could do it.

Yeah? Yeah.

The problem is now finding the right guy.

I need to find somebody who'll love me, you know? Somebody who'll take care of

me and respect me.

Well, you know, I keep my eye open. You know, maybe, maybe... Who knows?

The only thing is, Len, he'd have to be as smart as me.

I'm sure there's somebody out there, you know, that can... You'll find an equal

somewhere. Yeah?

And don't worry, Len.

I gave up on you.

I knew it couldn't be.

Let me tell you, at my age, if I made love with you, they would have to put me

on a resuscitator.

Ha.

Hey, this is Max.

This is my kid. How old are you? This is Bo.

You're five?

You're going to be a fighter?

Max is going to be a middleweight when he gets older. I think he's going to be

a heavyweight the way you carry me.

I'm going to teach you how to box, Max.

I'm going to show you a combination punch.

One-five, one-five. Two, three, and four, you're going to get. Hey, Ray.

This is my kid, Max.

This is Ray. How you doing, Max? Max is going to be a middleweight when he gets

older. I don't know.

Maybe a heavyweight?

I think a heavyweight, yeah.

You going to hit the bag with me?

Okay.

Nice kid. He's a dog.

So what's with the Sanchez thing? Is he going to win that? Is he training? He

can do it.

He's in the best shape of his life. The only thing is you don't know what these

guys do outside the gym.

That's the point.

It'll be all right.

Hey, Kevin, come here. I want to introduce you to my friend Lenny

Weinrich. He's a sports writer. He writes about boxing. Oh, how you doing?

How you doing? That's right.

Listen, I'm going to get warmed up, all right? Yeah, go ahead. Show us what you

can do. My hand's still a little sore, but I wrap it up good. You'll be okay.

I don't know this kid.

He's a good kid. This kid can move. He hits good tools.

He's got a nice hand speed, you know?

The only thing is, you don't know about these guys. Sometimes they lack the

desire. You know, I've seen it a million times.

I don't know if he's got the killer instinct.

He keeps talking about going back upstate where he comes from on an onion

farm. He wants to be an onion farmer. You believe it? He's a farmer?

Well, he's an onion farmer, yeah. I don't know how long he's going to stick

around. That's the problem. It's a shame to him. He hits like a fucking mule, and

he's fixed.

But he wants to quit boxing. He wants to go back and hang out on a farm, you

know, retire.

And the worst thing of all is his girlfriend left him.

Put on there.

Really? Took him for everything he's got.

He's a nice, sweet kid, but between you and I, he ain't got too much upstairs.

They're all alike.

Hey, Len, what's the matter with you? It looks like you've got something on your

mind. I don't understand.

Hey, Bo.

This is the left, and this is the right.

Right? Yeah, yeah, Kevin, that's right.

I'm so sorry. I'm late. It's okay. You know something, Lorraine?

Oh, I don't have an umbrella. Listen, I met a guy this afternoon that I think

would be absolutely great for you. Perfect. For me?

Yes, he's young, he's strong, he's healthy. He's absolutely perfect. What

does he do?

He's, you know, like dicking around in agriculture.

What's wrong with his dick?

No, no, no. He's a farmer. The guy's a farmer.

You met a farmer?

Yeah, an onion farmer. It's great. Where? At the gym.

He said, Jim, he's finishing a very productive career as a boxer.

A boxer? Oh, Lenny. No, he doesn't want to be a boxer anymore.

He wants to meet the right girl and be a farmer.

Don't look at me.

His brother has a big onion farm upstate, and just think of it. You know,

it would be so great, a small town, and you're hairdressing and raising kids.

What small town?

Wampsville. Where?

Wampsville. It's an old Indian name. It's a place rich in American heritage.

Are you off your fucking rocker? I'm going to go marry an onion farmer and do

hair in Wampsville.

Wampsville, not Wimpsville. It's so perfect. He's a nice, sweet guy. He's

great. Oh, come on. Forget it.

He's perfect, though. He's bright. You'll think he's bright. He is a

fucking onion farmer. That's okay.

You know, he's a nice kid. More important, he's honest and decent. And

don't offer to give him a blowjob in the first five minutes because he thinks

you're a hairdresser.

You lied.

You shouldn't lie. Just do what I'm telling you. Just listen to me for once.

I don't know. I'm off the girls, Lenny. I mean, the last girl I was with, she

cheated me out of all my dough, man.

I'm telling you, this is a nice kid, Kevin. She's nice.

Is this the hairdresser you told me about? This is the hairdresser, and I

gave you a big build-up. You know, this is a girl who could have a pick of any

guy she wants. You know, I said good things about you. What'd you tell her? I

told her you were handsome, that you were a good-looking guy, that you're a

great athlete, that you're gifted, bright.

Well, you didn't lie.

Would I lie? Of course not.

You told her I could fight?

I told her, but, you know, what touches her heart is that you want to be a

farmer. This is a girl that has a love of the soil. I promise you. Onions.

Onions. My brother's got an onion farm, and I want to go back up there because I

want to get the hell out of this city. Perfect.

You mentioned onions to Linda. She goes crazy. She goes nuts. You say onion.

You say onion to Linda. The girl is... All right, all right, all right, all

right, all right.

That's her name?

Linda?

Linda, yeah, it's a pretty name.

What are you so, so, so standoffish? Is that what an E are or a U are?

It's what what an E are or a U are. Linda?

Linda, Linda, with an A.

Linda.

She's a great kid, and she's a substantial woman. You know, this is not

a dumb girl. This girl has got a Ph.D. in root and follicle culture. And she's

pretty, right?

to die she's to die because that's important right because i've been stung

you know the last girl i was with she drove me up the wall man she made my

stomach sick to the stomach can i tell you something linda is church people

she's that's what i want she's great i want a church girl i want a nice church

girl i don't want one of these fast new york starts i want a nice homely girl

you know who likes to raise a family and dogs and all that kind of thing can i

can i say two words to you can i say two words

Butter churn.

Okay, butter churn. This is a pioneer girl. This is a girl who is practically

incidentally a virgin.

What do you mean practically?

Well, I don't want to, you know, I want to level with you. She slept with one or

two guys in her life. You know, an old college professor and her childhood

sweetheart. You know, but both of them killed in combat for their nation. It's

a sad story. A professor got killed in combat?

Humanities Regiment. You know, they were the first ones, you know, to land in

Anzio.

I'm telling you. And you said she was an actress? She's been in some films? She's

had a couple of good roles, yeah. Like what? What, she's ever been in anything

I've seen?

Hey, you didn't see Schindler's List?

No, no, no. That was the one with the Jews and, um... Who were the bad guys?

The Nazis. The blonde guys were the Nazis. They were tough motherfuckers.

Yeah, all right. They were telling you, this is a good girl. She's wonderful.

He's playing God.

It would be nice if he could bring this off. It's hubris.

He spent a lot of time preparing her.

Listen, have you given any more thought to what we discussed?

Yeah, yeah, I did. I mean, look, the problem is I don't know how I feel

anymore. I'm confused.

Listen, Amanda, I love you.

Yeah?

And you're never going to be able to forgive yourself if you don't give it a

try.

Kevin, this is Linda.

Linda, this is Kevin.

How you doing?

Hi.

So... I'll go.

I just want to bring you guys together, you know?

You know, you could maybe stick around.

Maybe, you know, we could go out or something.

No, no, no. I'm completely superfluous.

Oh, you don't feel good?

No, I'm superfluous. I'm completely unnecessary. You guys can have a great

time, and I got stuff to do, and, you know.

I got these for you.

What are these, daisies?

Um, it's nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought you said that he was a farmer.

Well, he's a farmer.

I know they're not onions.

They're not onions.

Daisies make me sneeze, Lenny.

Give me a minute. Excuse me for one second.

Beautiful flowers. Beautiful.

I know, but it just makes me sneeze. She sneezes from flowers. It's good luck.

It's good luck. I'll hold the flowers.

Thanks. Go ahead. Have fun. I'll see you guys.

I'm gonna go.

Take care.

Zoe, you're pretty.

Telling the truth, you're really pretty.

Thanks, you're not so bad yourself.

Yeah, I know.

I bet you're hung like a horse.

Yeah, I could ride a horse.

You know, my brother's got a farm, you know, I love animals.

I like animals. He's got a farm up there with the ducks and the pigs and all. Oh,

yeah, in Wisconsin.

Walmsville.

We'll go to the zoo.

Huh? Okay.

I had 16 fights, and I won them all but 12.

Oh, I'm impressed.

Yeah.

How long were you doing here?

Well, I'm just getting started now.

That's right, because you were doing the acting, right?

Yeah. That's right.

I didn't get to see Schindler's List.

Me neither.

But what were some of the other films you were in?

Well, I did The Enchanted Salad.

The Enchanted Salad?

What was that about?

Is it good?

Yeah, it was really good. It was about a waitress.

Yeah.

I had a really good time with you tonight.

Did you? Yeah.

Really? Me too.

Yeah, you're really good at arcade games, you know?

Well, I used to date a pinball champ, not for nothing.

Pinball champ? Was it, like, serious relationship? Was that... Well, we were

getting engaged, but then two guys strangled him.

Oh.

You know what I like in a woman?

What?

I like, like, an old-fashioned girl.

You know, like my mom.

You know, like, girl likes, you know, take care of the house and cook and

clean and, you know, doesn't mind, you know, walking the dogs and, you know,

doing the lawn and that kind of thing. You know what I mean?

That's like my mom.

Yeah?

What are you liking in a man?

I like a guy who has a good job, who...

treats me nice and Well who's kind of built like you doesn't have to stuff a

sock and his doctor look good You know my dream is what

I'm in a field right and like This hawk

comes and picks me up in his beak right and then flies me Like all over the

world right so I see everything and then like he flies me out of the country And,

like, we go up to the North Pole, and he drops me in the snow.

And I'm just laying there naked.

What's your dream?

My dream is that somebody would come along and think that I was special.

That, you know, that they'd want to come and change my life for me.

That's my dream.

You could have that.

You think?

Yeah, I think.

You could definitely have that.

Pretty girl like you.

So you think I'm going to get to see you again, Linda, or what?

Do you want to?

A lot.

I want to a lot.

Me too.

True love as refreshing as spring.

They kissed goodnight. And saw each other the very next night. And the next.

Hold it, everybody.

Something's coming in. A bulletin. Uh-oh. Here comes Miss Party Pooper.

Tiresias, the blind seer of Thebes. I have a vision of him and Wine Rib.

Where?

Wait.

The Acropolis.

Amanda. You know me?

Yeah. I saw her. She was working late at the gallery.

And with her was this Jerry Bender guy.

Well, it's nothing. She works with Jerry Bender. Nothing unusual.

Well, you didn't let me finish.

Go on.

Yeah, they spoke it into the tones, and then Bender rose and laid a big wet one

on her.

Big wet? Bender kissed Amanda?

That's what I'm telling you. Hey, you must have known something was going on

for a while, huh? Yeah, I always thought that Bender had eyes for her. Well, now

he's got eyes and hands.

Jesus. Amanda didn't respond, did she? No.

She just opened her mouth very wide and stuck her tongue out as far as humanly

possible to go.

Jesus, are you sure?

Oh, hey.

Trojan horse have a wooden dick?

And then she pushed her abdomen against his. All right, all right. I got the

picture. I knew it. I only suspected.

Something you don't want to know, but you had to be blind not to see it.

God, I'm gonna confront him. Oh, no, no, not in front of Max.

No, Max, Max has got a sleepover date at his friend's house.

No, I knew it. Down deep, I knew it. Uh, uh, thanks, Weiner. Thanks.

Oh, thank you. God bless you.

Oh, my God, it's more serious than we thought.

It's very serious. Her marriage to Lenny is in crisis.

With the passage of time, even the strongest bonds become fragile.

Great, fellas. It sounds like a fortune cookie.

Oh, Zeus, most potent of gods, we implore thee. We need your help.

Zeus, great Zeus, hear us, hear us. We call out to thee.

Um, this is Zeus. I'm not home right now, but you can leave a message and

I'll get back to you.

Please start speaking at the tone.

Call us when you get in. We need help.

I think I should move out. I can't understand this.

What's so radical?

No, because I can't cheat. Jerry Bender's in love with me.

And what are you telling me? That you're in love with him?

You're in love with Jerry Bender?

I don't know. I got to find out.

What do you mean you don't know?

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I don't know.

Anyway, Lenny, let's face it. Things have changed between us.

But we can fix things. And what about Max?

You know, Max... He'll be okay.

He'll be okay. Maybe it'll be better for him for us, with us apart instead of

together and arguing all the time. That's crazy.

I just think that's crazy.

Well, you know, I can't have this conversation.

This is too crazy. I'm... Where are you going? I'm going out. I have to think. I

have to get my thoughts together.

I've been waiting for you, man.

Kevin, leave me alone. I'm in a very, very bad mood. You're in a very bad

mood? How the hell could you do this to me? How could you set me up with this

stupid girl, man? What are you talking about? What's wrong with you? What am I

talking about? What's wrong with me? You didn't tell me she was a hooker and that

she did porno films and had sex with hundreds and hundreds of men and women

and who the hell knows what else?

You know, I thought it would prejudice you. What?

How did you find out? I call my friends up, and I tell them that, you know, I

got this girl that I want to marry, and, you know, they have me over for a few

drinks and a party, and my friend Ray, he puts in this, you know, sexy video,

but I'm not really into pornography, you know? And I look up on the screen, and

this actress is up there.

Judy, come.

Kevin, I told you she had dramatic aspirations.

I flew off the handle. Oh, Christ. I thought you were a broad-minded guy. I

mean, I came over here, and she confessed to everything, and then I hit

her. You hit her? You hit... I was gonna break your neck, man. Oh, I don't

believe this. I don't believe this.

You hit her? You hit her?

A little bit.

God. I know, man. I called my mother. I was upset. So then, you know, she says I

should come home. So I'm gonna get the hell out of this place, man. I don't

understand you. You know, you're a broad-minded guy. People change.

You're gonna hold her past it. Yeah, I'm gonna hold her past it.

I think you love her.

She loves you. What are you talking about? Forget it, man. It's over, man.

It's over. I told you from day one the girl was not a virgin. You didn't tell

me how many times, though.

Thanks for nothing, Lenny, man. Thanks for nothing. Kevin. Nah, man.

He hit me.

I know. I ran into him downstairs and he... Oh, Jesus.

Look at you.

God, does it feel terrible?

No, not really. You're just my ulcer.

Your ulcer? Well, you know, you shouldn't be drinking.

That's the worst... Oh, God, look at that.

Oh, yeah.

Remember you once said we were a couple of losers?

Yeah. Well, I think that's definitely true.

Why? What happened to you?

Amanda left me.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Would you like a drink?

No.

What's, uh, what's the matter?

I don't know.

Was she great?

You can tell me.

Was she great in bed?

Me and a woman with all that experience.

I don't know. I just know that suddenly I really miss Amanda.

But wait!

See who approaches.

There you are.

Where have you been? I've been looking for you all over.

Just out drinking and thinking about everything.

Oh, Lenny, I'm sorry.

I was up all night thinking how much I hurt you and how much it messes up for

good and the thought of not being with you.

I love you.

I don't love Jerry at all.

We have to put things right. Whatever has to be done.

And that's for Linda.

She drove upstate to Warmsville and pleaded with Kevin to take her back, but

to no avail.

Anyway, on the way home, she was distraught and felt life held no hope

when... Talk about a deus ex machina.

So we just had a stabilizing problem and the thing got a little off balance and

then the radio went glitchy so I just need to get down to use a phone.

And thank you very much, by the way, for stopping.

My name's Don.

And so Linda married.

And to a wonderful man who was not uptight and repressed and accepted her.

And even laughed at wild tales of her promiscuous background.

And so our little Greek drama...

Wait, wait, wait. There's more.

What more, Tiresias, blind seer of thieves?

Tell him just to call me Tiresias, will you? With a handicap, they're always

cranky. On that night, Lenny Wine Ribbon and Linda did make love, like he was

Zeus and she was Aphrodite with an aphrodisiac. Get to the point.

The point is, Linda did that night conceive a child.

No. Yes.

She became pregnant with Lenny's child, but not wanting to complicate his life

with Amanda, she never told him.

Instead, she went off with her new husband, who stood behind her loyally as

she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

Lenny never saw Linda again, and then one full day in New York.

I think they're probably in the back there.

You can look around for the whole store if you like.

Lenny! I don't believe this. What are you doing here?

What happened to you? I'm living in Connecticut. I'm married, and my

husband, Don, is a helicopter pilot.

You're kidding. What did you got? I searched every place for you. It's like

you vanished off the face of the earth. Yeah, well, we had our moment, but I

knew you would be back with Amanda.

I can't believe it. That's so great. So you're married?

This is yours?

Yes, look at her.

Oh, gosh, she's adorable.

She's adorable.

Is that Max?

This is Max.

Hello. Max, say hello. This is a friend.

Hi, I'm Linda. How do you do?

Nice to meet you. What a handsome boy. Amanda must be very beautiful.

And you've got to have a very handsome husband because she has a great face.

I'm stunned. I don't know what to say.

Lenny, it's so great to see you. You too. You okay?

Everything good? Yeah, I'm really good.

Thank you for everything.

Um, I gotta go. I'm sorry. I'm gonna be late. It was great to see you. It was

great to see you. Great.

But they have each other's child, and they don't know.

Yes, yes, isn't life ironic?

Life is unbelievable, miraculous, sad, wonderful.

Yes, this is all true, and that's why we say, when you're smiling.

When you're smiling,

the whole world smiles with you.

Keep smiling when you're laughing.

So stop your side.

Thank you.