Original subtitles

October 26th, 1881, Tombstone, Arizona.

The Earp brothers, Wyatt and Virgil, and the gunslinger Doc Holliday

faced off against the infamous Clanton Gang

in a legendary shootout at the O.K. Corral.

In reality, the shootout didn't happen in the corral at all,

but in a vacant lot behind the corral at the end of Fremont Street.

The gunfight took three lives, but there are many conflicting theories

on what caused the fight in the first place.

Some say the fight never would've happened

if not for the presence of an annoying, troublesome,

irritating arrival from back East.

- All right, the game's Seven Card Stud. - Seven Card Stud. Deal 'em out, Doc.

Wyatt, Wyatt. With the chips, always playing with the chips.

You're making a racket. Come on, man. Huh?

I'm sorry, Lawrence, that bothering you?

- Yeah. - Pot's right.

"Earp." What an odd name.

What... what is that? Where's... where's that from?

- It's a common name. - Really?

- All over Eastern Europe. - Eastern Europe?

Western part of Eastern Europe.

Yeah, if you go to the western part of Eastern Europe,

you can't throw a rock and not hit an Earp.

That's right. There are tons of Earps all over.

- There's Earps. Western Eastern Europe? - "Hey, Earp! Hey, hey, Earp!"

It's especially the central part of western Eastern Europe.

- Exactly. The Earps are... - Yeah.

...Central Western Eastern European people.

Pot's right.

- An ace. - Well, looky here.

- And an ace of spades over here. - Well, looky here. Looky here.

- No. Hey! What are you doing? - Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sit down, card cheat.

No, I'm not cheating. I'm not cheating.

I'm just checking on the horse. I'm concerned about the horse.

- What's wrong with your horse? - You know, I don't tie a very good knot.

I make a loop. I put it through a loop. I just don't even know how to do it.

- I lack knot confidence. - Is there something wrong with you?

Did you get hurt in the war or anything?

I wasn't in the war, Doc. I had "bone spurs."

Oh, jeez.

- Maybe you should see another doctor. - Maybe you should mind your own business.

Hey, Doc, were you a gunslinger first and then decided to go to med school?

Or did you go to med school and go, "Eh, I think I'd rather be a gunslinger"?

Seems like an odd combination. I don't know many killer doctors.

All right, it's my bet.

By the way, you think getting up twice a night to pee is--

You think that's excessive?

Are you here to play cards or get an exam?

I get it. You want me to come to the office

so you can charge me for a visit.

- Smart, very shrewd. - He's actually just a dentist.

- Oh, shit! - Oh, hell!

Good heavens!

That's right.

It's the Clantons.

Billy, look at this asshole.

Can't hitch on this side, can't hitch on that side.

Took up the whole damn post.

- Yeah, he took up the whole damn post. - That's what I just said, Billy.

- Right. - God damn it!

Diamond's bet.

- Gentlemen. - Oh, my God, what is this?

- Are you serious? - What?

You got your fingers in the glass.

Johnny Whiskers, come on, you know better than that.

- How am I gonna drink that? - You're worried

- about my fingers in your beer? - Yes, yes!

These are the cleanest thing in this joint!

You're sitting across from a guy with TB, okay?

Cleetus and Bo over there have the Santa Ana squirts

and half the whores in here have syphilis.

All right, calm down, Whiskers.

Hey Johnny, which half of the whores has the syphilis?

The bottom half.

All right! Who's the goddamn ingrate

who hitched their horse in the middle of that post?

- Right in the middle. - No, shut the fuck up, Billy! It's me.

There should be room for two horses. So, whoever you are, Mr. Pig-Parker...

Oh, my!

- ...go fix your hitch. - Wait, wait. Wait a second.

Are you calling me a pig-parker?

I reckon I am.

- Talk like that can get a man killed. - I don't give a shit.

I want him out there fixing that hitch right now.

Now, hold up, we got a double pot here. I got 35 dollars in it.

Ain't nobody going anywhere unless I say so.

Is that so?

So.

It's only out of respect to Johnny Whiskers behind the bar

that I don't blow your fucking head off right here, right now.

We all have tremendous respect for Johnny Whiskers, no question about it.

Pours a good whiskey.

Yeah. Tremendous respect for Johnny Whiskers.

- Of course we do. Love you, Johnny. - He's the best.

All right, all right. Let's settle this like men.

3:00 p.m. at the O.K. Corral.

- 3:00? - I can do 3:00.

Yeah, I... I can make 3:00 work.

Yeah! 3:00, yeah. I got one question, though.

- Are we meeting inside the corral? - Inside the corral.

What about the horses?

Well-- Okay. Valid point. We'll meet outside the corral.

- You mean in that ditch? - No, down there by the sign.

The sign that's right outside the corral, you know?

I don't think that sign's even there anymore.

- Yeah, you're right. That sign's gone. - I haven't seen it.

- It's been gone for years. - Well, I don't know, we'll just do it out

to the left of the corral.

Whose left? If you're-- What way are you looking?

Your left or our left?

- How are you facing it, if it's round? - You're facing the corral...

Okay, but I don't even think

the corral's a good idea, to be honest with you.

You know the lot, what is that, Frement?

- Fremont? - Fre-- Yeah, Fremont.

- There's a lot. We can do it right there. - Well, I'm gonna call it the corral.

Fine, call it what you want, but we'll meet in the lot.

- We'll go to the south end of the corral. - The lot.

- And then you'll-- - The lot, yeah.

It's the corral today, though.

We're at the south end of the corral. You're at the north end of the corral.

- The lot. - This is good,

except which is the north side?

- I don't know. - Yeah, see? Yeah. You know? Did you know?

All right, all right! 3:00 p.m. at the corral.

So, we're gonna meet at the "corral"-slash-lot,

and then how does it get underway?

- What are the procedures? - The--

- Yeah, the dynamics of the shootout. - The dynamics of the--

Yeah. We get back-to-back, we take 20 steps each.

- Jesus. - That lot, you can't do 20 steps.

- Here we go. All right, compromise. - You can't do 20 steps in that lot.

We'll go back-to-back, we'll take ten steps. Twenty's too much.

- All right, we can do that. - What?

No, guys, why are we doing any paces?

- It's not a duel, it's a shootout. - Right.

So, it's just you guys show up, we show up.

Well, if we're gonna have a fair shootout,

it's not gonna be like, "Just show up and then pull your gun out."

He's looking for more organization to this.

We're looking for helter... helter-skelter, yeah.

- Yeah. - If you're a good shot, it don't matter.

How do we know when it starts?

We're starting right at three o'clock so we'll get there a little early,

so that when 3:00 hits, we start shooting.

- So, if you wanna get there at 2:55... - We'll get there at 2:55.

...so you can be ready for three o'clock, that's what we do.

Johnny can alert us. He can ring that bell down there at the mission.

Okay. We're gonna go to the corral at 3:00 p.m.

- The lot. - A little before 3:00.

I'm calling it the corral!

Yeah, he's really fixated on calling it "corral."

- Let him do it. Go ahead. - Okay? See you there, pig-parker.

Wait, how about this idea? We all start here and walk over together.

- No. - No.

- No-- Shut the fuck up, Billy! - I don't know about this.

If we all walk together, that's such an awkward...

- Yeah, it's just an uncomfortable... - I guess it is. It's awkward.

- 3:00 p.m. at the corral. - The lot.

- We'll see you there. - See you at 3:00.

- Yeah. - See you there.

Well, boys, we all might eat a little lead here.

- Gotta do what we gotta do. - And these things can get bloody.

- Some of us might not make it back. - First of all, I gotta say,

I am so honored to be at a shootout with the Earp brothers and Doc Holliday.

- This is crazy. - Well...

This is really gonna be something.

Unfortunately, I just realized that I got the blacksmith at 3:00.

- I gotta bring my horse in. - Today?

Do you know how hard it is to get an appointment with him? It's impossible.

- Yeah, it really is. Yeah, no. - Oh, God. What a disappointment.

- I was so looking forward to that. - What a tough break.

- We'll move it to 4:00. - I can do 4:00.

- No, no-- - You know, 4:00 is actually better for me.

How are the Clantons-- You can't--

Johnny can go and tell the Clantons, yeah.

- No, you don't wanna bother Johnny. - Yeah, yeah. No. No... no problem. I can--

I'll go chase 'em down. They're not but at the end of the street.

- We can do 4:00 if they can do 4:00. - Yeah. All right, I'll go tell 'em.

- All right. Thanks, Johnny. - Yep. They'll understand.

- Okay. Four o'clock it is. - Yeah.

Before a shootout, by the way, I need a lot of time to get ready.

I bathe, change my outfit. You know, this is not a gunfight outfit.

- Yeah. - Okay?

This four o'clock idea was brilliant, by the way.

- We'll see you then. - 4:00 actually works better for them too.

- Good. - So, yeah, it's on, four o'clock.

You know what? 3:55, 3:55!

Come on, Jonesy! Come on, you motherfucker!

Let's get outta here!

On April 9th, 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee

surrendered at Appomattox, ending the Civil War.

The stress on Lincoln during the war was immense,

made even more difficult by his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln,

who was by all accounts a handful.

But now the war was over and the country could heal.

Except that five days later, on the night of April 14th,

President Lincoln and his wife, Mary, were attending a play,

Our American Cousin, at Ford's Theatre in Washington, D.C.,

and there, John Wilkes Booth, an actor and Confederate sympathizer,

assassinated President Abraham Lincoln, shouting, "Sic semper tyrannis!"

The Virginia state motto.

Abraham Lincoln became the first president to be assassinated in office.

And while John Wilkes Booth is remembered as one of America's greatest villains,

one could argue just as much fault lies

with the idiot who convinced Lincoln to go see the play.

All right.

Well, Mr. President, I think that's it for today.

The war is over.

I heard a rumor that Grant was a little tipsy at Appomattox.

- I hear the same. - "Appomattox." That's a tough one.

- Can you spell Appomattox? - Yes!

I'll bet you a nickel you can't.

- All right. - Go ahead. Take a shot.

A-P-P-O-M-E-T-E-X.

- Not even close. - Really?

A-P-P-O-M-A-T-T-O-X. There's no "E." You owe me a nickel.

- All right. - Pay up.

I don't have it on me, but you know I'm good for it.

- Really? Do I know that? - "Honest Abe."

- Are you? - I've never told a lie.

No, you don't tell a lie but, you know, sometimes you forget.

Let me ask you a question.

If I remind you-- Let's say five days go by,

and I remind you, would you think less of me?

It's pretty petty.

Who's pettier in this situation? The guy who welches on the bet?

Or the guy who asked for the money from the person who welched?

Maybe I'll pay you, I'll pay you. Maybe I'll pay you. Maybe I won't pay you.

- We made a bet. - It's a crazy bet.

- You said yes to the bet! - All right.

I'll give you a nickel at some point.

- You know I'm good for it. - Okay.

By the way, did you happen to see a... a yellow scarf around the office?

- I left it here a couple of days ago. - No.

- You haven't? - I haven't... I haven't seen a--

'Cause I saw Mary wearing a very...

similar scarf.

I... I think I know what this is. I believe I...

I think... I think, Mary might have picked it up.

I assumed she bought that someplace else. She was wearing it.

- You saw her wearing the scarf? - I did.

- She took my scarf? - She likes the way you dress.

Did you say anything?

I did say something, but I said it really quiet.

- Did she hear you? - No.

Why didn't you say, "That's Butterfield's scarf"?

- She likes things and she takes it. - I don't give a shit. She stole my scarf.

- I want that scarf back. - Then you take it up with her.

You're a grown man. I don't want to be in the middle of this.

I did the war almost to get away from her. Her voice makes me insane.

- I'd rather hear men dying. - Hey, would you do me a favor?

Is there any way that you can go into her closet?

- I'm not going up there. You go up there! - I can't go upstairs into her closet.

You don't have to look her in the eye! Just let her start talking!

- What, you think I'm gonna talk to her? - Just talk to her!

- I don't wanna talk to her! - You talk to her!

I can't talk to her. She's nuts!

You don't think I know she's nuts? I live with her! I'm married to her!

She's the mother of my dead children.

- She... she needs... she needs to be-- - I know.

- You know? - I know.

- You know? - Wait, what are you saying?

- I don't know. - She needs to be sent someplace.

Oh, no, we've tried that.

- In the... in the loony bin. - They didn't want her.

They threw her out of the mental institution.

I came to pick her up and they went, "Hey, she's bananas."

- That's why the place exists. For bananas. - She was too bananas for the bananas.

You're saying that she couldn't be amongst the bananas?

- She was a rotten banana. - Wow.

I can unite the country, but Mary's a different thing.

Okay, well.

Mr. President, I got something for you. A little surprise, okay?

Is that a theater ticket to Ford's Theatre?

Oh, yes, it is! It's a comedy. Our American Cousin.

You gotta go to take your mind off of all this crap.

- You need to relax! Look at you! - I can't go out.

I don't wanna be around a lot of people right now. I just--

Please, you're not gonna be around a lot of people. We got our own box.

You've been working like a dog! You need a little amusement!

You like to laugh. You got a great sense of humor.

- I do have a very good sense of humor. - Very good sense of humor.

You tell fantastic jokes.

- Everybody says so. - I'm pretty funny.

That first draft of the Gettysburg Address?

- When I did all the voices? - Yeah, the voices.

The guys, the characters and everything?

Yeah, they made me cut that, but that was funny.

I did the Southern guy, Harry Chattanooga.

Do Harry Chattanooga for me.

- I can't do it. - Come on!

"Hey, I'm wet. This water's wet."

- That's so funny. Great. - It's a guy I knew...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - ...yeah, when I was a lawyer.

And then Fat Tony was another guy that I--

- Fat Tony. You gotta do Fat Tony for me. - "Hey, what is that, a meatball?"

"Get it outta here. This doesn't belong here."

"That doesn't belong here."

"What's that doing here? That doesn't belong here."

- I love Fat Tony. - "I don't want any of this."

"Get it all outta here. Get it all outta here."

- That's what he would say. - That's great.

- I love Fat Tony. That's great. - "Get that outta here."

Anyway, you gotta go.

- I don't think I can. - Come on. Come on.

- We'll have fun. - Who's going?

Well, it'll definitely be you and me, but...

What are you gonna do about that?

She's gonna wanna go. She loves the theater.

She loves to sit next to me and say, "Oh, I know what's about to happen."

- She's never right. - Yeah.

She says, "Why are they singing?" I'm like, "It's a musical!"

Hey, listen, better to be there with her

with a lot of people and me than home alone here with her.

- That's true. - Yeah, you'll go?

- Would you do me a favor? - Of course.

Would you just sit in between us?

If you want me to, I will, but she's never gonna go for that.

She likes you. She likes the way you dress.

She likes that you're kind of a dandy.

- I'm not a dandy. - You're a dandy.

- Maybe a half dandy. - No, you're full dandy.

- I'm not full dandy. - You went full dandy a year ago.

Do you talk to people and say I'm a dandy to them?

People tell me you're a dandy.

You don't volunteer it? You don't say it? Sounds like you say it to them.

I've said it to a couple of people,

just in terms of like, "Butterfield's kind of a..."

I don't like it, and please stop saying that.

I see how much you look at yourself in the mirror when you leave.

I take a quick glance. So what?

It's not a quick glance. You do the whole this.

I don't do that. I take a little glance,

- and I move on. - You do that.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world

if you took a glance in the mirror once in a while.

I can't be next to her during the show. I can't handle the questions.

- Can you sit next to her, please, for me? - Yes.

- Yes, yes. I'll try, I'll try. - Thank you, thank you.

I don't know how you manage it, honestly, between her and a civil war?

- Can you, you know-- - Well, the war... the war is a vacation

- compared to this woman. - Yeah.

She's a lot. I mean, the minute she talks,

- I go someplace else. - Yeah. Okay.

I think I'm just so sad because,

you know, I'm trying to free myself from her,

and I think that's why I'm freeing all these people.

You need your own Emancipation Proclamation.

I didn't want to say that, but thank you, yes.

Yeah. You know, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world

if she met with some "untimely accident."

Go on.

Well, that sounds like a... a horrible idea.

I can't tell if you're joking. Is that a joke?

Of course it's a joke.

- Let's go see a play. - Let's go.

Four more years, Mr. Lincoln!

Hey.

What the fuck? I'm not sitting next to you.

- Get up. - But, honey... but, honey,

I thought you would enjoy talking about the show and--

- Yeah. - You better switch seats.

- You want me to kick you the fuck out? - All right.

- All right. - All right!

Every time.

- I told you! - I know.

Sorry, I just thought you might enjoy

- the conversation 'cause he knows-- - Hey, Mrs. Lincoln,

- by the way. - What?

I know you got my scarf and I want it back.

- Do we gotta do this now? - What scarf?

- The yellow scarf that you took. - You have a yellow scarf?

I left it in the White House, and you took it and you wore it!

- I have no idea what you're talking about. - You're so full of shit.

- It's unbelievable! - What are you doing?

- He saw you wearing it. - What are you doing? Don't do that.

- What are you talking about? - You said that I stole a scarf?

- Yes. - No, I saw you pick up a yellow scarf,

- but I didn't see you steal it. - Why would I--

- Yeah. - What are-- These words--

Abraham Lincoln, are you fucking lying to me?

You're lying to me! You took it!

- Why would I steal anything of yours? - Shut the fuck up!

- You're the liar! - You guys are both spitting on me.

- Sit back! - You're the liar!

- Shit, you're so full of shit. - You are the worst dresser I've ever seen!

- Fuck you, Mary. - "Fuck you"? What is wrong with you?

Hey, honey, honey, let's take it down to a five.

Jesus Christ, what a joke.

Leave it alone! Everybody stop talking about it.

- Just leave it alone! - And if you think

- you heard the end of this-- - Oh, my God!

Any news on our arrival?

No, they're actors, they're supposed to be-- All right.

Hey.

You got that nickel you owe me by any chance?

No, I don't have a nickel, no.

- I can ask her. I can ask her. - Yeah, ask her.

Hey, we bet a nickel

that I couldn't spell "Appomattox" and I... I lost.

Do you have a nickel I can give him?

- No. - You got a nickel?

- No, she-- - Tell him I'm good for it.

- She said she's good for it. - Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's good for it.

He really is the cheapest person I've ever met.

I guess I begin to feel kind of comfortable here in this place.

- You know what? - What?

- I'm thinking about a joke. A big joke. - Maybe kind of like a... a joke with a...

What's this?

You know, do like a...

- What is that gonna do? - Poison her. I'm saying we poison her.

Yeah.

I think we should just blow her fucking brains out.

- Will you take a bath before you dress? - Take a "bath"?

- A bath? - I suppose you mean "bath."

Please, give me a break. What are they laughing at?

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

- I haven't heard you laugh once. - Well, I'm laughing on the inside.

Oh, God, this stinks. This stinks.

- This was your idea. - I know, I know.

I made a mistake. People told me it was great.

- I can't believe it. - People like this stuff.

Yeah, you know who likes it? Stupid people.

- I think it's very funny. - Yeah, case in point.

- What? - What?

- Guys, don't. Please. - What?

- You heard me. - Please.

Just... just leave it.

- Skedaddle! - "Skedaddle"?

- Get out! - Language, sir!

Come on. Let's get outta here.

- What do you mean get outta here? - Come on.

- I can't get outta here. - Why?

I'm the president of the United States, I can't just leave.

You see every time I stand up, I do anything, they start clapping.

Tell her... tell her I don't feel well.

And I gotta take you, I gotta, like, escort you?

Yes, yes. Ask her.

Hey, Butterfield's not feeling good

and he was curious if I could walk him out, you know?

- I don't give a fuck how he's feeling. - I was thinking I can escort him out.

You tell that asshole you're not going anywhere.

She told me to tell you

- that you're an asshole... - Yeah.

- ...and I can't go anywhere. - Yeah.

You can tell her to go fuck herself.

He wanted me to tell you that you can go fuck yourself.

Tell him I will go fuck myself.

She wanted me to tell you that she... she will go fuck herself.

You can tell her that's a really good idea

because nobody else will fuck her, including you.

He told me to tell you that that's a really good idea

because no one else will fuck you, including me.

- Get the fuck out of here! - All right, I'm going.

- Yeah, the thing-- - Yeah, the funny joke?

- The joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - The funny joke? Yeah.

- Please, you work on that, okay? - Yep.

- See you tomorrow. - Get out of here.

- Pardon me. - So sorry.

- Oh, no, that's my fault. - No, no, completely my fault.

No, my head was somewhere else.

- Have a nice evening. - You too. Thank you.

...the impertinence of which you are guilty.

- I'm freezing. - You don't know

the manners of good society, eh?

Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal,

you sockdologizing old man-trap!

After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth

Lincoln's widow Mary was in such a state,

she couldn't attend the funeral of her husband,

nor could she bring herself to move out of the White House.

For six weeks, the newly sworn-in president,

Andrew Johnson, was relegated to living in the Treasury Building

with all his belongings, including his dogs.

At his wit's end, Johnson summoned Lincoln's aide-de-camp,

Lawrence Butterfield, to do the job.

This is the same man who started this sad chain of events

when he dragged Lincoln to that damn play.

Okay. I can't find anything in here.

- Butterfield. - You sent for me, Mr. President?

- Fuck. - Oh, jeez.

- Oh, boy. - I got it right on the shin.

- I hate that. - First of all, let me just say,

what happened to Lincoln was just an unspeakable,

- horrible tragedy. - Oh, yes.

- Just awful. - Terrible.

I begged him not to go to that play.

Can you imagine the last thing you see is that shitty play?

- I heard it was awful. - Well, the reviews were great.

- That's not what I heard. - You heard? I read.

Is that a dig on me because I'm self-educated?

- What? No. - My wife taught me to read

- when I was an adult? - No, please. Are you kidding?

If you're gonna say something, just say it.

First of all, I know there's nothing to say,

but if I did have something to say, I wouldn't say it to you.

I would say it to someone else behind your back.

- But I wasn't even thinking that. - Okay. I don't understand something.

If the reviews were so great, why did you beg him not to go?

He needed to be home, relaxing. I wanted him to relax.

- That's it? - Yeah.

Something's not adding up with you, Butterfield.

- It's adding up. - Is it?

Add it up, yeah.

Don't believe everything you read, let me just say that.

Because the buzz that I heard from actual theater people--

Theater people? You hang out with theater people?

- What theater people? - The understudy.

You're hanging out with the understudy?

What's wrong with that? I'm a man of the people.

I get that you're a man of the people,

but it's very odd that you're a man of the "theater people."

What's that quote mean? What does this mean?

They're different, that's all.

- I don't like where this is going. - Yeah. Hey, Quincy.

Hey! Would you please get out of there? No!

How's it going, boy? Who's a good boy?

It's not going good. They're cramped up in here.

- It stinks in here. - Do you smell that?

- Awful. - They got into the Potomac.

No, Jackson, no. That's a Navajo treaty. You put that down.

- Jackson. - I can't even breathe!

You can't? I can't breathe. That's why I called you here.

We're stuck living in the fucking treasury, okay?

With two dogs. It's like a fucking closet in here.

I need to get in the White House.

But the problem is, and why I called you, is that Mary Todd Lincoln isn't leaving.

- It's been six weeks. - Yeah, I know.

I'm the president. I need you to get her out of there, okay?

I would also love to get her out of there. I realize that the Treasury Building

is not an appropriate place for a president to be residing.

But I'm not the guy for this job.

I mean, I'm a guy pretty much for every job there is.

- You're supposed to be the guy. - I am the guy.

You're not adding up. And you know what I don't get?

Is the math of how you even got to where you are.

I know real math, but it's the Butterfield math that's not adding up.

- The Butterfield math is not adding up? - The Butterfield math.

- Can you explain this to me? Yeah. - Can I explain it to you?

- Yeah, explain it-- - What would you like explained?

What did you do for Lincoln?

- What did I do for him? - How are you his guy?

I fixed the Lincoln-Douglas debates!

- That's how I'm his guy! - What?

- I paid off Douglas. - That's true?

- Yes! - Wow.

By the way, I never said that.

- I didn't hear it. - Okay.

- You could do something like that for me? - Easy. I'm your guy.

You can't do better. I got some special quality.

I've had it my whole life.

- I can lie... - Yeah.

- ...with the best of them. - Okay.

- I can talk anybody into anything. - I'm glad you said that.

I can manipulate people.

I'm manipulating you right now, and you don't even know it.

You see what I mean?

Then I need you to get Mary Todd out of there.

- The problem is, she detests me. - She doesn't like anybody.

- What are you talking about? - No, no! Me in particular.

And also, she stole my scarf.

Why are we talking about this? I don't care.

You're wasting my time. Why did he go to that dumb play?

If he didn't, I wouldn't be in this situation.

I wouldn't have the problems that I have.

"This situation"? I mean, maybe not that horrible for you.

- What do you mean? - Before you were vice president,

and now, you're president.

Wait a minute, Butterfield, are you suggesting

that I would rather Lincoln be dead so that I can be president?

- No. No. - No.

No. Of course not.

What kind of person would... would suggest

- something like that? - He'd be an awful person.

- Awful. - Awful person.

An awful person to want it, an awful person to suggest it.

- Awful all around. - Awful. But...

- you are president, kind of cool. - Am I ready to serve my country?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Do I have some ideas? Sure.

I'm just excited to continue this legacy

- as president... - Yes.

- As president. - ...but I can't do it from here.

So, I need you to go over to the White House.

- Dear God. - Talk to that nut job.

You're gonna be polite. You're gonna be contrite.

You're gonna express your condolences. And then you're gonna get...

- I'm so sorry. - ...that fucking lunatic out of there,

so that I can move in. Or else, you're fired.

Okay.

Mrs. Lincoln, Lawrence Butterfield to see you.

Mrs. Lincoln, great pleasure.

- I'm so sorry for your loss. - Thank you for your condolences, sir.

- How are you coming along? - Grieving.

No, the grieving was assumed.

I just wondered if there was anything else you wanted to mention.

- A hundred percent grieving. - That's understandable.

Thank you for coming. Good day.

Well, I've just seen President Johnson, the former vice president,

is living in the Treasury Building.

- How awful. - In very-- Yes, very awful.

Very cramped quarters

- with the dogs and the family. - Terrible.

In any event he's requested that I come here to find out,

is there any kind of...

time frame that you're thinking about in terms of leaving?

'Cause it has been six weeks.

- Did you notice my pitcher collection? - Oh, yes, yes, lovely. Quite lovely.

Some are blue, some are pink.

- Some are yellow. - Some are yellow.

- Some are green. - Look, there's a purple one.

- Some are bigger than others. - Yes, all different sizes.

Truly magnificent. Congratulations on that.

Thank you. It was good to see you. Again, adieu.

Good day, sir.

In any event,

I'm sure you're aware that in the Constitution,

when the president is no longer in office, the vice president succeeds him.

It's for the benefit of the country

that you move out of the White House and let President Johnson move in.

I'm not leaving. There's nowhere for me to go!

- You know where you could go? - Where?

I've got a friend in Springfield

who told me that the men in Springfield, they are lined up for you!

- Me? - Yes!

You know, they say that you're such a delight,

there's nobody who's better company, that your stony countenance

and erratic behavior, your multiple personalities,

you're just a pleasure to be around.

- I am. - And... and I forgot

that severe part in the middle of your head.

That's so enchanting.

Well, there is not a chance in hell I'm moving back there.

I am done with log cabins. Forget it.

- Mrs. Lincoln. - Yes?

How would you like an all-expense-paid trip

to Paris on the U.S. government?

You know what they got there? They've got pitchers all over Paris.

It's the city of pitchers.

- Won't have to pay for a thing. - I'm not going anywhere. I am grieving.

- Really, are you? - Yes, I am.

Okay, this is a wonderful, wonderful little show you're putting on...

- Thank you. - ...and I really appreciate it.

You should have been on the stage at Ford's Theatre that night.

- Thank you. I thought the same thing! - That's how good you are.

- That's how good you are of an actress. - Thank you.

But I really am grieving. Do you know what it is to grieve?

- I believe I do, yes. I-- - You do?

- Yes. Oh, yes, I do. Yes. - Have you experienced a great loss?

Yes. Yes, I have, Mrs. Lincoln!

I lost my testicles during the war! That's grieving.

- Yeah! - You don't have testicles?

No, I don't!

- How did you lose your testicles? - They got shot off.

- Both? - Yeah, both!

- With one bullet or two? - One bullet.

My scrotum was assassinated. But I moved on with my life.

I realized that I can't sit home all day,

and do nothing, and look at that space where my testicles should be.

- What does it look like down there? - It's none of your business, really.

I feel like it would be an angry red.

- Am I right? - No, you're not close to it.

- Please enlighten me. - It looks like a big space, you know?

- Kind of like what... what you got. - I've had four children.

The point is, I can't fornicate anymore. I accept it. I've moved on.

- Are you saying that I should move on? - No, I'm saying you should move out.

La, la, la, la, la! I can't hear you. I'm sorry.

I can't understand what you're saying. I'm not going anywhere. I live here now.

All right, show's over, okay?

This is my home now. This is where I live. I'm glad we had this conversation.

Good day, sir.

Mrs. Lincoln, if I go back to Mr. Johnson

and tell him that there's no chance of you moving out, I'm gonna get fired,

and then I'm gonna have to go back to being a spittoon salesman.

You have no idea how difficult that is. People don't use spittoons anymore.

They spit all over the place. I just-- I'm not gonna be a--

"I'm just a lowly spittoon salesman. I don't know where to put my saliva!"

- "My husband was assassinated." - "What do I do?"

- Yeah, my husband was assassinated... - "And I can't move on."

...while we were watching a comedy!

"And I'm pretending that I'm grieving and mourning

and I'm not doing fuck all!"

You know what? I think you like living in this big house!

I think you're having a blast in here

with all the servants taking care of you, everybody feeling sorry for you!

Are you calling me a liar?

- What are you implying, sir? - You know what I'm implying!

- You're full of shit! - No, I-- How dare you!

See, I knew you still had testicles! Your scrotum wasn't assassinated!

- You owe me a nickel! - You get the fuck out of my house.

You come back here one more time, I'm gonna shoot those nuts off for real.

- I'll be back! - Yeah, yeah, yeah! You better run!

Unbelievable.

- What are you doing? - You stole my scarf, you psycho bitch!

- I did nothing of the sort! - Knew it! I knew it!

- What is this? This is mine! - That is my scarf!

- Yeah! Bullshit! - What kind of man

- needs a fringed yellow scarf... - This is my scarf!

- That's my scarf! Get your hands off it! - ...you fucking weirdo?

You're lucky you're alive because Lincoln and I

were gonna assassinate you!

How do you like the scarf now? Tell my husband I said hi.