Original subtitles

- Is this your card? - Nope.

Oh. Hey, is this your card?

No.

- Oh, uh, hang on. Is it this one? - No.

It's gotta be one of these. I guarantee it.

Of course it has to be one of them. The entire deck is in your hands.

- It's not that. Do you wanna find it? - Oh, God. Not another one.

What are you complaining about now, Dee?

There was a break-in, one street over from us, you guys.

- What are you looking at? - It's this PingCrime app

that Dee's been obsessed with lately

where people post about crimes and their locations and shit.

Why are women so obsessed with true crime?

Like, murder podcasts, true crime TV shows.

- Documentaries... - You just, like, gobble it up.

Just gobble, gobble, gobble.

I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with it.

I just like having the information for safety.

For safety? Let me see. Let me see what's going on around here.

Uh. Let's see. We got a guy exposing himself to people in the mall.

Oh, God. Good thing you know that.

I mean, Frank does that all the time.

Um, we got a guy running red lights, you know.

- Scary, Dee. - Oh, no.

Loose chicken in the mall.

- Dee, you have every right to be afraid. - Oh, no.

Thank God you knew about the chicken.

- Dee, these crimes are totally harmless. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's this one? What's this one?

- That's a double homicide. - Really?

Yeah, a guy killed his wife and kid with a meat tenderizer.

- Police came in. - That's a brutal murder.

- Oh, my God, where was that? - It was like a block

- from your apartment building. - Mine?

That might be your apartment building.

Oh, yeah, that looks exactly like her...

- It's hard to tell, Dee. I don't know. - Oh, my God.

Your apartment is in a hotbed of crime, though.

Okay. Now, can you see why this might be kinda useful?

Not really, Dee. Personally, I think you're just better off

not knowing this stuff.

That's right, Charlie, a big deal.

Hey, you know what, it doesn't matter.

I'm just glad that you're sleeping over tonight.

- That puts my mind at ease a little. - I'm what now?

You're spending the night tonight 'cause I'm getting LASIK.

- And? - And I won't be able

to see for about six hours, so you said you would come over,

and you would spend the night at my apartment. You don't remember this?

I remember you asking me to sleep over, but I don't remember agreeing to it.

- Are you kidding me? - No.

Oh, good. There was a stabbing one block away.

Could be the same guy who killed his family.

- Hey. - Probably is the guy.

That doesn't put my mind at ease.

Oh, my God, you're just... You're freaking out about nothing!

People stab each other all the time in this city.

I stabbed someone on the way to work today.

- What? - It's not a big deal.

There was a homeless guy on the bus, wouldn't get off.

I got a ballpoint pen, and I just... right in his side.

I got someone too.

Applause from the people on the bus.

I carry this around with me, 'cause I be stabbing with this.

Exactly, we're a stab-based society.

- Okay. - People go around.

- It's one guy on a rampage. - No, you're right.

We're all stabbing, and everything's good 'cause it was the same guy.

Listen, you guys I have a really fun idea, okay?

How about you come over to my place tonight and we have a sleepover?

Hear me out. We can get fun food. We can watch movies.

We can get sleeping bags.

Dee, what are we? Ten? We're grown men.

We're not gonna have a sleepover at your house.

Can you imagine us having a sleepover at our age?

- Oh, my God. - Talk about having a sleepover.

_

I say we bust this bad boy out.

Boys, boys, boys, boys.

- No girls. - No girls. No girls.

Sleepover, sleepover, sleepover.

- Sleepover, sleepover. - That's probably enough chanting.

That's probably enough.

I can't wait to get into the good stuff.

We're gonna do pranks.

We're gonna do trust falls. We're gonna play Truth or Dare.

We're gonna sneak out of this place.

Maybe go on the roof and howl at the moon.

Oh. Howl at the moon.

Wait, wait, what if we rearrange the furniture into, like, a ring,

we get into our undies and then have a wrestling match?

Or we could do a panty raid. Or we could play ookie cookie.

- What's that? - That's when we get a plate of cookies,

and we all jerk off on it,

and the one who blows last gets to eat the cookies.

- Gets to? - Gets to. Has to. Whatever.

- We should be open to it. Like, I mean... - No. No.

You're surprised.

I'm sorry, guys, but all of these ideas sound kind of insane to me,

and I really have no interest in ingesting semen this evening,

you know, so...

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah, so why don't we, uh...

why don't we just all, you know, watch a movie, right?

We'll stay up a little past our bedtimes, you know? That's pretty naughty.

And then we can all just head off to our own separate areas

and get a quality night's sleep.

Sleep? Okay, dude, what are you talking about?

Okay, the winners of the sleepover are the people who stay up all night long,

and the losers of the sleepover are the people who fall asleep

and wake up with dick drawings all over their face.

When they fall asleep, you draw all over them.

So, like, seeing the sunrise is how you win.

Well, that's all so childish. Like, why are we...

I think we're getting a little too old for that stuff, you know?

I mean, look, let's have fun.

Yeah, sure, but, you know, let's be reasonable.

Why are you being such a buzzkill?

- I'm not. I'm... I'm... - He's afraid of sleepovers.

- What? - No, I'm not.

He used to make Barbara and me go pick him up before the thing was over.

- We even had a code word. - No.

- Spaghetti. - No, Frank, come on.

We all knew that the "spaghetti" meant he wanted to leave the party.

No, Frank. No, that didn't happen. No. This... No.

Guys, why would I... Come on.

Why would I be afraid of doing all this childish shit

we're talking about? I'm just talking about being sensible.

You know, I'm talking about, like, not eating semen

and, you know, howling at moons, you know what I mean?

Can we just, like, have fun and just do, like...

just, like... You know...

- All right... Let's just... - It's okay.

Can we just start with, like, one fun thing to do?

- Maybe something we can all agree on? - Yeah. yeah.

Maybe we prank call Dee?

- Yeah, let's do that. - Come on.

- That would be fun. - Are you cool with that?

But won't she know it's us? I mean, if we call her, she has caller ID...

She's blind, remember?

- Oh, shit. Okay. - Blind as a bat.

Let's call her now. Let's do it.

There we go.

Probably still good, right?

Oh.

That's expired for sure. Ugh!

Wow.

Call from Dennis Reynolds.

Go in.

- Call from Dennis Reynolds. - Shit. I know, you bitch! I'm coming.

- Call from Dennis Reynolds. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah. Dennis. - Call from Dennis Reynolds.

Dennis. Hello.

- What? - Is your refrigerator running?

I mean, I don't think so. All the milk's expired.

Well, then you better go catch it.

- Wait, no, that... - Oh, wait, no, that doesn't work.

She's gotta say that the fridge is running.

Ask her again and tell her what to say.

Huh?

We're gonna ask you one more time, tell you what to say.

- Wait, are you guys all at Dennis's? - No. Yeah...

- How did you know? - Because the phone told me where you are.

- What are you guys doing? - No, she has it on the speaker thing.

It's on speaker. Well, we're-we're, um...

Yeah, we're not, uh... We're not sleeping over.

- Oh, you assholes! - Hey, Hang up.

- I got an idea. I got an idea. - Okay.

- Frank has an idea. - What? Goddamn it. Goddamn you.

- Call from Frank Reynolds. - No.

- No, no. - Call from Frank Reynold...

Call Artemis.

What happened to Alexis...

Oh.

And the legal system will provide justice...

- Al? - Hey, girl.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm watching a wonderful program entitled

How I Evaded Rape and Murder Unlike My Friends.

Um, what do you say you come over tonight,

and you and I have a little sleepover?

Damn it, Dee. There's 12 episodes and I'm only on, like, 2.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I tell you what,

you'd be missing out on some fresh cookies that I'm baking.

- I hear you tearing open the bag, Dee. - Okay, shit.

Listen, listen, listen,

I had LASIK, I'm blind as a bat, and I need help, okay?

Can you come over tonight or not?

I don't love it, but I'll do it.

Okay, thank God.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Cell phones really make pranking people impossible.

Oh, yeah, dude? Yeah, you think? 'Cause check this out.

- I just ordered Dee, like, 20 pizzas. - Yeah, that's plenty.

Is she gonna have to pay for 'em?

Yeah. Well, no, she doesn't have to pay for em 'cause I had to pay for them,

'cause you can't buy them unless you pay for them on the app, so...

- Yeah. - How is that a prank?

You just bought her pizza.

Yeah, I did just buy her p...

Well, that's probably more pizza than she can eat, so...

Hey! More pizza than she can eat.

- Does that work? - Does it... Does it work?

It's something, but it's not great.

- It's not great. - Yeah. No.

- I don't love it. - Is there a spin on this or...

- Yeah. - Guys, let's forget about the pranks.

Let's wrestle. Let's get in our undies.

- We... - Come on!

- That's crazy. - No?

No, let's, um... Why don't... Let's throw a movie on, you know what I mean?

Maybe we could order ourselves a pizza, right?

- Okay. - How's that funny?

Uh, well, it's not funny. It's just for nourishment,

you know what I mean? Ooh.

Let's watch Weird Science.

- You got any scary movies? - Yeah.

Oh, uh... We have The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle before bedtime?

You guys are all gonna have nightmares. I'm gonna be awoken by your screams.

We're not gonna have nightmares 'cause we're not gonna sleep.

You gotta stop with that shit, man. This is preposterous.

Don't do that to your body. Not at our age. No, don't. Come on.

We're gonna watch Weird Science,

and then we're gonna hit the sack, okay? Come on.

Dennis, the VCR is broken.

- What? - Yeah, I...

In anticipation of the fun sleepover, I put in Faces of Death,

and, you know, because it's from 1983, it got jammed.

You were gonna have us watch Faces of Death?

You could get Dee's VCR. Let's get Dee's VCR.

- Yeah, let's get Dee's VCR. - Oh, wait, wait, no.

Actually, don't do that, because then Dee's gonna wanna come over.

No, no, no, I'll sneak in and out like a panty raid, except for electronics.

- Electronics raid. Good. - Yeah.

Unless you want me to get her panties too.

- No. - Why in the hell would

we want Dee's panties?

I don't know.

- I'll be back. - All right, that's it.

- Don't jizz on anything without me. - Not gonna happen.

What's with the jizzing?

Boys, boys, boys, boys.

- Yeah. Boys, boys, boys. - Boys, boys, boys, boys.

- No girls. Yeah! All right. - That's too... That's too much chanting.

Quite the day. The woman escaped being murdered

by humanizing herself and talking about her dog.

- Smart, yep. - Of course her best friend was slaughtered

despite also being a dog owner,

because apparently the murderer did not care for collies.

- Oh, really? Huh. - Mm-hmm.

Suspicious man dressed

all in black seen in the area.

- That's not good. - PingCrime?

- Yeah. - FYI, I brought my Ouija board.

Ouija board? Oh, um... Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, come on, it's good, harmless fun,

but also it's good to know what ghosts are living in your apartment.

- Ghosts? - Mm-hmm.

Ghosts, demons, spirits, phantasms.

Trust me, you've got 'em.

In fact, I can sense one now.

Do you have any candles or matches?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, under the sink.

I don't see them.

Uh, really?

I'm pretty sure they're in the back under the dish gloves.

- What? On the right or on the left? - Your right or my right?

What? I'm facing the sink.

Are you breaking the sink? What are you doing under there?

Okay, right or left if I am facing the sink?

I don't know. Stop!

Where else could they be?

I'm so sorry. I was wrong.

- It's in a drawer underneath the toaster. - Okay.

I gotta do it.

Come on, guys, aren't sleepovers supposed to be inside?

- We snuck out. - Yeah, dude.

- It's fun. - No, we didn't sneak out.

I mean, you can't sneak out of your own apartment.

That's just called leaving, you know? Why are we doing this?

Well, 'cause prank calls are dead, I guess, right?

Ordering too many pizzas, whatever, that's not a thing anymore,

but egging cars, that's forever, that's classic stuff.

Look, what if we hit a guy with an egg, right,

and then he gets out of his car and then chases us?

That's the whole point. I was doing it for the chase.

- That's the mischief. - That's the mischief we're after.

Yeah, right, but what is the line between crime and mischief? It's like...

Okay, when you're a kid and you moon somebody,

that's funny, you know? That's a prank. You do it as an adult, though,

that's indecent exposure, you're gonna go to jail.

I hear what you're saying, but...

Car, car, car. Let's go. Now, now, now!

Go, go, go.

Ooh.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

- What the fuck? - Oh, sh...

- Go, go! - Let's go.

Go, go, go, go.

Let us begin.

Dark spirits of the underworld...

- What? Why? - ...we summon your presence.

Why summon those? Summon the good ones.

Oh, come nearer to us.

Come ever closer with whatever messages or gifts you care to provide.

Come, come, come, come to us!

What? What?

I feel you're near.

Show us a sign of your presence.

No. What was that?

I believe it was your door.

- You should get it. - Oh. No, you get it.

No, you get it. I can't see anything!

- I can't see. - It's your apartment!

- I'll be right behind you. - Okay, okay, okay.

- You should get it. Just get it. - Oh, God. Okay, we're coming!

- Okay. - All right, yes, we are coming.

You-You've summoned a very impatient ghost!

- Are we close? - Yeah, we're really close.

- Uh-huh? - Get it.

Hey!

God, answer your goddamn door. Here's your stupid pizza.

- Wait, is that The Waitress? - Yes.

- Are you... - No, don't touch my face. Get off me.

- Stop. - Are you delivering pizzas now?

- Yeah. Where do you want 'em? - I didn't order 'em. I don't want 'em.

Okay, I know that. I think Charlie ordered them for you.

That's too bad. I don't need pizza.

Okay, well, I don't really give a shit.

I'm gonna put them down on your kitchen table,

and you can do whatever you want with them from there.

Oh. Damn, you guys playing Ouija? Love that.

Yes, we are. You want in?

I could go for a quick sesh.

- Uh. Cup of tea? - Yes, please.

All right, let's summon some evil.

Oh, goddamn it.

- This is so great. - Yeah.

How is this great, dude? That guy's gonna kill us.

We can outrun him, Dennis. We just gotta find our angles.

May I remind you, you are not a young man, Mac, okay?

You're an old man with tight hips 'cause you don't stretch.

I do stretch my hips. My hips aren't tight.

Look, if I have to wrestle him, I will.

Oh, badass, man. That's badass! That's the attitude!

That's the badass attitude I miss!

- I'm calling Frank. - No, don't tattle, dude.

- Don't tattle on us. - I'm not tattling.

I'm calling him for help.

Hey, Frank. Where are you, dude?

I'm still at Dee's.

- How's the slumber party going? - Not good, Frank, okay?

Spaghetti, okay? Spaghetti, Goddamn it.

I need you to get down here with your gun,

and we're a block away from Dee's house, and I need you to do it now.

No can do. I just dropped an ookie cookie,

and I gotta stick around to see if somebody eats it.

Was it an... No, no, no, we don't want you digesting...

All your energy should be here.

- Okay. - Shit.

Almost, almost.

No, goddamn it, Frank,

stop ejaculating on your daughter's food and get down here.

- Oh, shit. - He's coming. He's coming.

- We gotta run! - Go, go.

Cramp. My hips are too tight.

- Oh, shit. - No.

Don't stop. Keep going. He's getting to wrestle.

He's getting to wrestle.

- Oh, my God. - Holy shit.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, dude.

That was crazy. Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

- That was awesome, dude. - Whoa! That was awesome, dude.

- See, man? You see what I'm talking about? - Oh, shit. Yeah.

No, I see. I see, dude.

- Wow. - I hope Mac's all right.

It is getting kinda late, though,

- so maybe we should call it. - All right, yeah, but... Okay.

One quick game of Truth or Dare, then we pop a howl at the moon,

and then we call it, okay?

No, I don't know, man. I...

Come on, dude. Truth or Dare? It'll be fun.

- Uh, dare. - Yeah! Dude, yes!

Okay, um, jump off the roof into that dumpster down there.

- Do you see it? - Yeah, I see it.

Right down there.

- Go do it. - No.

- Yeah, no, jump down into the dumpster. - Uh... No.

- Do it. - No. Move past it 'cause that is...

- That is the dare. - Drop it.

- The dare is that you jump. - I'm not doing it.

All right, then Truth, dude.

- Then it's Truth. - Okay. Yeah.

- Yeah? - Sure. Yes, sure.

- You gonna tell some truth? - Truth.

Are you scared of sleepovers?

- No. No. - Are you scared of sleepovers, Dennis?

- No. - You have to tell the truth.

That's the whole point of it.

Uh.

- Yeah. - Really?

- Yes, fine. - Why? Tell me why?

Because I don't like doing a bunch of dumb shit, dude,

like eating jizz cookies and wrestling grown men in their underwear.

Like jumping off of buildings into dumpsters, man.

Like, I don't wanna do those things.

But I'm also afraid that, like, if I don't do those things,

then I, you know...

People are gonna, like...

like, make fun of me.

It's okay, dude.

It's okay.

Because everybody's scared of sleepovers.

Everyone's in the same boat, man.

Sleepovers are about facing your fears, right?

You watch scary movies. You try some scary Dares.

You tell some scary Truths, but...

you know, you're not doing it alone, dude.

You're together with your buds.

Sleepovers are where you learn that when you have friends,

the world's a lot less scary place.

No, for sure, yeah.

Yeah. Wow, man, that's, um...

God. Dude, it's so funny 'cause, like, when you're a kid,

Dares are, like, the scariest thing,

but when you're an adult, the Truth is so much scarier.

It's, like, the scariest thing of all, isn't it?

- Yeah? - Ah. For sure, man. For sure.

And I know you're probably thinking, like, this stuff's weird

'cause we're, like, 50.

- Yeah. Yeah. At least we... - You know, like...

No, it's... It's cool, man.

Like, probably should have done this, like, 10, 20...

- Yeah, 20, 30 years ago or something. - Maybe even 40. Yeah.

Come on, dude, bring it in, man.

- Really? - I'm sorry. Yeah.

I'm sorry you've, like, been so stressed about this this whole time.

- I appreciate it. Thank you so much. - Yeah, yeah.

Now watch this.

Charlie, Charlie. Spaghetti. Spaghetti!

Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

- That was insane. That was insane. - I'm sorry. That was crazy.

- Anti-vaginal burning... - Ugh.

- Chronic hemorrhoids may slow your... - Skip it.

Why don't you just pay for the ad-free? It's really not expensive.

Oh.

- What? - Okay.

- What? - It went to the letters B and M.

- Bowel movement? - That's what my mind went to, yeah.

- What? - Bloody Mary!

- Oh, no! Oh, my God. - Yeah, he wants us to summon her.

- Well, that's too bad. - Oh, my God.

- Oh! Come on, it'll be fun. - No, it won't be fun.

I brought a hand mirror. Oh!

Actually, wait, do I need to go back to work?

- Have I been here, like, hours? - You've been here, like, 15 minutes.

That's the peyote messing with your sense of time.

- Oh, yeah. - What?

- That will do it. - Oh. That's what's in the tea.

- What? - Did I not make that clear?

No! Oh, my... Oh, shit. Oh. Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Oh. - Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

She'll be fine. Let's play.

So, look into the mirror right over here.

I can't see the mirror. I can't see anything.

Nonsense! Let's begin!

Oh, goddess demon mother, we plan to call upon you.

- Dark bloody demon from hell... - Oh, God, no.

...I shall call your name three times!

This is a giant mistake.

Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary!

Oh, shit! What was that?

She has arrived!

We welcome you, demon!

No.

Oh, God. No!

Help me!

Dee, what are you doing?

Panty raid. Panty raid!

I landed right on the jizz one.

Yo, Dennis, you awake?

Yeah, man.

- We're the winners of the sleepover. - Sick.

Dude. Man, you did so good. I'm really proud of you.

Thanks, man. Yeah.

- I had a blast. I really did. - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Charlie. - Yeah?

You wanna draw dicks on everyone now?

Yes, I do.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com