Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

Back in the day, keepin' on God's good side

was a big deal for wiseguys.

We racked up a lotta sins,

and our life expectancy was anybody's guess.

So ya hadta be ready.

We had a guy, Father Santino.

Big into the Holy Trinity.

Also had a weakness for the holy trifecta.

[Crowd cheers]

[Crowd laughs]

But he always lost,

which I figure was God's way of sayin',

'Hey, what the [bleep] ya doin'?'

So he borrowed from me.

And since goodfellas never had time for church,

this was a chance to bring church to us.

Bless me father,

for I have sinned like [bleep]in' crazy this week.

The convenience was undeniable.

Especially when a gang-war broke out.

CHEECH: Thanks Father!

Oh!

Got ya, Guido!

Crap, I gotta go back in.

JIMMY: It was all part of keepin' the slate clean

with the man upstairs.

[Angelic chorus]

Ya confess to God, then the Feds...

You'd confess to anyone who'd listen,

ya rat fink stoolie Judas!

She's got a point Jimmy.

Shut up!

But if you think I got anything juicy to confess

since I moved to this unholy ice cube...

Fugget About It!

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He took his boss, he threw him from nineteenth floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

Hey everybody, guess what?

I'm a hundred years old!

That explains the dementia and incontinence.

And the dementia.

I got a letter here from the Prime Mister

congratulatin' me on my 100th birthday.

Cheech, you're not that old. Think about it.

When were you born?

Alls I know is they found me

in a Port Authority ladies room stall

some time in June.

PETEY: Hmmm. It's definitely from Ottawa.

This must have something to do

with your Witness Protection profile.

You know, the files McCool gave us with our new identities?

The ones we were supposed to commit to memory?

[Sighs]

The ones he told us to guard with our lives.

Ya mean the papers we use to prop up the wobbly toilet?

Hey, the one I was born in a wobbly toilet!

See?

My file says I'm allergic to bananas.

I'm not, but I avoid them

to stay true to my new identity -

and because they make me farty.

Ha!

Says here Theresa was born in "New Found Land."

That place sounds totally made-up!

Yeah well, says here Gina was adopted.

I knew this rat bastard couldn't be my real father.

I wish I was fake adopted.

Oh look Jimmy.

It says you and I met at a drive-thru!

I wonder where we got married?!

I wonder what we had. I hope it was burgers.

No, it says we had tacos... and you finished mine.

But there's nothin' about our weddin'.

That's because Jimmy and Cookie McDougal

never had one.

Page thirty-seven, in the appendix.

You guys are listed as Common Law.

[Groans]

That's crazy!

I don't even like tacos!

[Sobbing]

What's wrong with Common Law? It's progressive.

So progressive in fact, that you took Cookie's name, Jimmy.

What was my maiden name?!

Kardashian-Bin-Laden-Cosby.

Yeah, no, McDougal's fine.

It doesn't matter what our names are!

We're both gonna burn in Hell!

But these are false identities!

You still enjoy all the same legal rights

as legitimately married couples!

[Sobs]

Sorry, that's a poor choice of words.

If we're gonna live together under the same roof,

we gotta get married in a Roman Catholic Church,

right where God, Jesus,

and all the Saints can see us!

She's right.

With all the things I done,

I'm walkin' a fine line with the man upstairs.

God forbid, if Jimmy gets hit by a bus,

I'll be left with an illegitimate bastard

and two bastettes!

I suppose a wedding couldn't hurt...

It might even be fun.

Perhaps I could help with some of the arrangements?

Seein' as this unholy union of ours is your fault,

you can arrange it all.

Splendid!

I'll get on it right away.

For Canada!

Where living in sin ain't no sin at all!

Hands off, Romeo. God's watchin'!

I was thinking,

with Ma and Pop getting married again,

someone has to be best man...

Oh my God!

What are you doing, Uncle Cheech?!

That's Major Cheech to you, Private!

And what does it look like I'm doin'?

It looks like you've been huffing my airplane glue again.

I'm a hundred years old.

What kind of man would I be if I never served my country?

Pretty much the man you are?

I asked myself not what I can do for my country,

but what my country can do for me.

This wouldn't be a ploy to get cheap beer

at the Legion, would it?

Bingo.

I may not be a man of means, but I got a mean thirst.

And Lord knows I earned it!

Whoa!

[Groans]

I guess that didn't work out so well.

It did!

I got drunk, felt up a female amputee,

and picked a fight with some Navy guys.

They said to come back when I sober up.

And you don't find any of this ethically troubling?

I never had trouble with ethnics.

Rednecks on the other hand, they're a pain in the ass.

Now let's get back to base before curfew.

HOO-rah!

[Sighs]

♪ [Romantic music]

[Gasps]

Cookie McDougal, love of my life...

Will you marry me?

[High pitched crying]

Oh, Jimmy!

I didn't expect to get so choked up.

Oh, here it comes!

Third time's the charm, Jimmy!

Oh God.

What'd ya say, Cheech?

I said, "Third time's the charm, Jimmy!"

I heard ya, but what do ya mean?

Ah, he's talkin' out his ass. Like always.

No I'm not! "Third time's the charm"

means the third time ya try somethin',

it usually works out.

I know what it means!

But why'd ya say it to Jimmy?

He's probably been sniffin' Petey's airplane glue again -

Shut up. Cheech?

Jimmy's proposin' to ya now,

he proposed to ya back in Brooklyn,

and before that, he proposed to Marie.

Ergo my Eggo, this is the third time.

Need I draw a picture?

Shut up, Cheech.

Were you engaged when ya met me?!

Now she gets it.

In the military they call this 'FUBAR'.

Means '[Bleep]ed Up By A Ring'.

What's the one where ya get killed by your own men?

That's gettin' fragged.

You're about to get fragged, Cheech.

And... retreat!

Cookie, where ya goin'?

You're makin' a big deal outta nothin'!

Bein' engaged and never tellin' me about it

is nothin' to you?!

Well, ya never told me you were a stripper!

Ya met me at a strip joint where I was strippin'!

Yeah, well there's a difference between showin'

and tellin'!

Now c'mon back inside.

I rented a tux for this!

I don't need you and your secrets and lies!

I don't need nothin' from you!

Now can I please have the car keys?

Ahh!

So is that a 'no'?!

Ahh!

Yes!

[Groans]

Jimmy, is this a good time to discuss the seating plan?

I heard a 'yes'! Congratulations, Jimmy!

[Whinnies]

I'll call you, Jimmy!

Hoh! At ease, Kowalski!

Ow! Hey! The war's over, Johnson!

Good buncha fellas. Trust 'em with my life.

Um, why is your sleeve pinned up?

'Coz I lost my arm at Iwo Jima.

Or was it Korea? I wanna say Iraq maybe?

Drink up! It's on me.

And the Canadian taxpayer.

Cookie'll come around.

She's just confused and jealous... and wrong.

I get confused and jealous.

Ya don't see me throwin' my skirt over my head

and movin' out.

We do when you're drunk.

She's just havin' trouble

separatin' the 'before we met' part

with the 'after we met' part.

Which part are we in now?

Oh yeah, the drinkin' part!

Barkeep!

Two more beers and a grape Nehi for Radar here!

So Ma, what are ya gonna do

now that ya gave up your housewife job?

I gotta figure out a way to be independent

of that fat, lyin', sack o' [bleep] father of yours...

...who loves you very much.

So obviously you're goin' back to bein' a stripper?

Gimme some credit! I wasn't a stripper!

I was an exotic dancer.

What's the difference?

Pasties and a three drink minimum.

Girls, look.

Whatever happens, never forget.

Your father and I both still love you very much.

But now you're gonna compete for our allegiance, right?

Who do we spend Christmas with?

We get two Christmases, dumbass!

I don't think Santa can be at two places at once Gina.

[Sighs]

Who names their store "Bra Bra Bra-"

Ugh, I'm too bored to even finish it.

Actually, it's pronounced -

♪ [Tune of Beethoven's 5th] Bra Bra Bra Bra! ♪

Oooh, that's catchy!

Can ya direct me to your exotic dancewear?

I hope I'm not being forward,

but ya should really consider

the Double-Barrelled Blunder Bust from BlunderBra.

Here, I'll show ya.

For a rack like yours,

it'll strike the perfect balance

of lift and separation.

There.

You're locked, loaded, and lookin' good!

Wow!

The Sleeping Giants have awoken!

You oughtta hire her.

The woman knows her way around a pair of tits.

Cheech, did you by chance

run into one of my teachers today?

Affirmative.

I was pukin' out front of the Legion

and we had ourselves a little chinwag.

She invited me to talk at your school for Memory Day.

Remembrance Day.

Uncle Cheech, uh, permission to speak bluntly?

I'd prefer English, but I'll try to follow.

You have to stop posing as a Veteran.

Private, people need heroes!

Someone to look up to,

to remind them that freedom has a price...

A price that can only be paid

one beer at a time.

Um, no.

And what you are doing is reprehensible!

Relax.

I'll take care of the speech.

You handle the moment of science.

Did I say 'reprehensible?'

I meant completely insane!

Whatever this is, Cheech, I don't have time.

Is Jimmy here?

Someone needs to decide on invitations!

Kobe rice paper or Venetian smooth?

Everyone expects these things to just fall into place!

And now I'm late for wedding band auditions!

I'm this close to getting Lover Boy back together.

Hey Mister! Quit cutting the line!

Relax Lady! Do I look like I need a bra?

Yeah, you do. And a girdle wouldn't hurt.

[All laugh]

Cookie!

Yo, Cook!

COOKIE: Whaddaya want? I'm workin' here.

Where, in here?

Get outta here, I'm busy!

I went by your apartment.

Gina says you're sellin' bras now?

Yeah, and I'm doin' real good at it.

Look, I'm sorry ya got jealous

when ya found out I was engaged.

Now cut the crap and come home.

How'ya doin'?

Why would I come home to someone who lies to me?

I didn't tell ya sooner 'coz I knew you'd go all crazy.

Apparently I was right!

Way to try and win me back, Jimmy.

Now get outta here or I'll call security.

Go ahead.

I ain't leavin' until you agree

to be eternally bound to me in the eyes of God!

Hey! That's not fair.

How am I supposed to fight back?

[Laughter]

♪ Bra Bra Bra Bra!

May I help you?

Oh, I think you're looking for

♪ [Tune of "O Canada"] Bra Bra Bra Bra. ♪

They're over on Dewdney. But they suck.

You should come here.

Hello, Twinkie!

Did Jimmy get laid off?

It's okay.

I'm sure your children don't need their mother anymore.

Hey, Man-a-belle.

Sorry, the washrooms are only for payin' customers.

I need a bra,

preferably not the tear-away kind you're accustomed to.

[Sighs]

You got what we call 'long-distance' cleavage.

This bra will really bring the sisters together...

Ooh, I like it.

COOKIE: It's made of 'mammary-foam,'

so your girls get that

sleepin'-in-their-own-beds feelin'.

What the heck, Annabelle?!

No touchin' the lap dancer -

I mean, bra fitter!

I'm sorry, when you touched me, I...

I had an orgasm.

My husband hasn't been very affectionate lately.

[Sobs]

How long is 'lately'?

Who can keep track?

I don't know - 168 days.

Whoa!

No wonder you're such a [bleep]in' bitch.

Tell ya what - I'm off in ten minutes.

Lemme buy ya a box of wine.

Just keep that tongue to yourself hot lips.

Finally, Jimmy!

I'm so behind on the wedding plans,

I can't even spare the time to rebuke you!

Top priority 'save the date' cards,

though I don't know the date or whom to send them to.

Also, the DJ needs a song list,

or else it's all going to be New Country.

We're in the prairies, Jimmy!

Get ahold of yourself, McCool!

Change of plans.

It's gonna be an intimate ceremony,

where you get on the computer

and make Cookie and me married.

What?!

If Cook wants to leave me, she'll hafta divorce me,

which is a sin, so she won't.

Bada boom. Happily ever after.

Is this what Cookie wants?

Who cares what she wants?!

Just make us married!

Am I sensing some pre-wedding jitters here?

It's perfectly natural to -

She moved out and got a job.

Sweet conscious uncoupling!

She's your life partner, your soul-mate,

the mother of your children!

I can't "make" you two married!

Only you can.

By all that is holy, James Danger McDougal,

go and win her back!

Aw, you really care about us, McCool.

I'm touched.

It's my special day, and it has to be perfect!

Can ya believe it?

All these years,

and he never mentioned he was engaged before!

Shifty son of a bitch.

So you don't keep secrets from Jimmy?

Nah, I just lay it out there.

If he doesn't like it, he can suck it.

Oh wait, there is one.

But I'm embarrassed to say.

Tell you what, I'll go first.

I never told my husband that our oldest boy

is not actually his.

Oh yeah?

I mean, Ted is such a great dad,

and Donnie loves him so much.

I can't destroy that because

of one passionate night with Ted's father.

[Coughs]

Jesus Christ, Annabelle!

You had your father-in-law's baby?!

I know, I know, but see what I mean?

Some secrets should really stay secret.

So what's yours?

I once had a reduction...

And?

Are you kiddin'?

Jimmy'd never shut up if I told him!

He'd be all,

"How could ya do that to Betty and Veronica?!"

He has names for my -

Yeah, no, I get it.

It's an honour to be here today

to remember those who fought

so you little [bleep]s could have cell phones

and open relationships.

If it weren't for guys like me,

Private Ryan'd still be lost.

In which case, no Good Will Hunting.

You're welcome.

War is no bowl of raspberries.

Livin' in that sweaty jungle,

Charlie breathin' down your neck...

What?!

But when Colonel Potter says "Take Cheeseburger Hill,"

ya take it!

Do you mean Vietnam?

Canada didn't go to Vietnam!

In honour of this suspicious occasion,

I went 'commando' when I got dressed this mornin'.

My soldiers need to breathe...

for them that can't no more.

And like the flag outside,

I too am at half mast.

[All gasp]

[Angry muttering]

Alright, everyone, shut yer yaps!

Let's get this minute of boring silence over with

so we can go to the bar.

This fella's a phony!

Yo, Bert, shut up!

Have some respect for the fallen!

He's not even a real amputee!

Yes I am.

Ever heard of a phantom limb?

Oooh.

I'm the ghost of Cheech's arm!

Let's get him!

Oh crap. I better fall back!

[Chuckles]

You'll never catch me, ya old farts!

[Panting and coughing]

[Scream]

♪ [Dramatic instrumental]

♪ [Dramatic instrumental]

MAN: Annabelle?

Honey, it's me. We need to talk.

It's my husband. I called him to pick me up.

You're out of wine.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's just...

I've been feeling self-conscious lately.

And that's understandable -

Ever since I put on this extra weight.

Huh?

Oh Ted, I don't care about your weight.

I love you, Pudding Guts.

[Sighs]

Let's go home. I'll get my coat.

I'm Cookie by the way. Oh, sorry.

JIMMY: Cookie! Cookie!

[♪♪♪]

What the hell?

Well ain't this cozy!

Alright, put em up ya sonofabitch.

Think ya can fool around with my wife?!

What?! No!

Jimmy, it ain't what ya think.

Aw crap, sorry.

I didn't realize you was -

What did Toby call it at the seminar?

Differently-abled!

Oh so you're cutting me a break, are you?

You don't cut me a break, I cut you one.

Wanna dance, muh[bleep]?

Easy platypus -

Boys, stop it!

[Screams]

[Grunts and crashes]

That is so unfair.

He's at such a disadvantage.

I'm sorry. Jimmy can be a real caveman.

No, I mean it's unfair that Ted's going to beat up

your fat, out-of-shape ex.

Okay. Bonding's over.

Get the [bleep] out of my apartment.

[Yells]

[Impact grunt]

Okay... ya got a lucky one in...

[Screams]

Alright, fight music!

A-one, two, a-one two, three, four!

[♪♪♪]

[Screams and grunts]

[Bees buzzing]

[All scream]

Ah...

Had enough?

I'm just gettin' started.

I'll fight for that woman until you beat me so bad

I can't remember who I am...

My name's Timmy, right?

[All scream]

[All scream]

JIMMY: Uh... Cook?

Is that you?

You're here?

Of course I am ya big lug...

And I'm ready to answer your question.

It's yes, right? Please say you'll marry me.

How hard did he kick you?!

That's a yes! Ow! God!

[Grunts]

Yes, I got ordained.

You try finding a Catholic priest willing to marry

a couple living in sin with three children.

The ring, Jimmy?

My best man's got it.

It fell inside my cast.

Who wants to reach in and dig it out?

Oh for Chrissake!

[Scream]

Hey, this ain't my ring!

That was my new piercing!

[All laugh]