Original subtitles

How ya doin'? Actually, who cares?

Shut up and lemme talk!

To me, crime is like any other business,

except with more killin' and less resumes.

Yet both use an equal amount of paper clips.

It don't matter if you're a banker or a goodfella -

Ya still gotta climb the corporate ladder.

Jimmy, gimme a ride to the track.

I'm feelin' lucky.

Ach!

And can I borrow your pants?

...Unless you're Cheech.

He always had a different career philosophy.

I'm tellin' ya, Jimmy,

the key to success is aimin' for the middle.

Ya mean like a gut shot?

I mean your career.

If you're on the bottom, you're always gonna get stepped on.

Ain't that right, Mario?

Did ya have to wear cleats?

I can't find my regular face-steppin' shoes.

Anyhow, if ya aim for the top,

ya got a long way to fall.

Like the time I tried doin' it on a Ferris wheel.

That was a fall from grace!

[Laugh] Remember Grace, Jimmy?

With the cans?

JIMMY: Later, I saw what Cheech meant.

How'd it go?

See?

Gambini'd still be alive

if he just aimed a little lower in life.

Or if Jimmy aimed for the wall instead'a the window.

Ya do understand, Mr. Middle Man,

that you're the reason I had to kill him.

Understandin' is for over-achievers.

Well ya aimed us in the middle'a nowhere,

ya stinkin' mook!

[Growl] You stupid...

If you think I'd kill Gambini all over again

to save Cheech's half-assed ass...

fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ he take the boss

♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

COOKIE: Only four weeks left of summer break.

You can do this, Cookie... [Gulp]

You can totally do this.

Yo, Ma! We're outta pork rinds!

So what?

Get up off your butts and go buy some more!

But we wanna find out if this broad

says 'yes' to the dress!

Y'all got anythin' more see-thru?

What a day!

I'm runnin' outta ways to look busy at work!

Nice example, Jimmy.

No wonder the kids laze around all day!

Take it easy!

Lazin' around is what summer break is for.

Now how 'bout some pork rinds for Daddy?

We ate 'em all.

You kids bum around all day on my sofa,

watchin' my TV, eatin' my pork rinds,

and ya can't even bother to tell your mother

to go and buy more?!

That's it! You're all gettin' summer jobs!

Hey, where'd they go?

You! Get your resume together!

I can't get a job!

I've been fired from every one I ever had!

Welcome to the Meat Pit.

Before you order,

here's a video of where your hamburger came from.

[Recording of chainsaws and carnage]

[Children crying]

Would you care for fries with your massacre?

The only place I'm fit to work is in a science lab,

or perhaps some sort of theoretical think-tank.

So if you'll excuse me -

Not so fast.

You're comin' with me, Steve No-Jobs.

Congratulations, Petey!

You had the best - and only -

application in our summer hiring spree.

Agnes, bring Nemo around!

You're going to be pointing out

all the exciting Regina landmarks

as our summer tour bus barker!

Go put all them acting classes to work, kid.

Theresa took the acting classes.

Don't you know me at all?

Whoopie! Summer's officially begun!

You're a tour buff, McCool?

Ah, there's nothing like being regaled

with Regina's tantalizing history

in an open-top bus

whilst the wind tickles your scalp.

Welcome to showbiz, Petey!

No stops, so here's a travel mug to pee in.

...and if you look to your left,

you'll see one of Regina's most, um...

prestigious grain elevators?

Imagine the grain that's been elevated here!

PETEY: And this one is... red.

McCOOL: Sexy!

And now we will end with a dip in

Regina's historical Municipal Outdoor Pool.

[Scream]

That's the whole tour?

Two grain elevators and a swimming pool?

Look, everyone, there's a jellyfish in the pool!

No, that's a tampon.

So, how was the job hunt?

Oh, it was, uh, brutal.

Yeah, we had to fill out applications in,

like, triplecation!

[Sniff]

Do I smell fake butter topping?

Are those popcorn crumbs?!

Ah-ha! Movie tickets!

You weren't out lookin' for jobs.

You were out seein'... "Paranormal Activity 10 -

Same [bleep] Different House!"

It was a scary documentary.

That wasn't real, Theresa.

You're such a sucker!

Oh, there's tons of suckers out there

who wanna connect with the spirit world.

Ugh, here we go.

Back in my Madame Scamya days,

I fleeced marks every which way from Sunday...

I got an idea how we can

make money off that paranormal crap.

Ew! No way I'm touchin' ghost poo!

How are you not in summer school right now?

I slip my homework in with Petey's.

He does it without even noticin'.

Does anyone know how many pounds of grain

one of these elevators can hold?

Anyone?

Would ya keep it down?!

Thank you, sir.

He was talkin' to you! [Groan]

♪ [Metal on headphones]

I could say just about anything and it wouldn't matter.

This park on your right

is where a real Bigfoot was seen drunk,

snacking on a number of small dogs.

And, uh...

this wheat field is known as Area 55

because a UFO crashed here

back in the '50s.

The aliens were buried, and then next year,

the crop was blue!

Next up, we're heading to Regina's

most deadly deciduous,

otherwise known as

the Murder Tree!

Ooh! Can we have a picnic there?

Sure, but it might make a picnic...

of you.

[Tourists gasp]

Sorry, folks, this tour is full.

But there will be another one tomorrow.

TOBY: Wowzers!

Petey's really turned the tour around!

People actually care what my know-it-all kid has to say?

We can finally crack open

the "I Heart Regina" shirts

and wear them without people laughing at us.

[Shriek]

It's like being attacked by a thousand velvet brushes!

Mademoiselle Conya at your service.

Oh, thank God!

It started yesterday,

just after your pamphlet

conveniently appeared in our mailbox.

Please, help us!

Silence!

Spirits, announce yourselves!

[Ghostly moaning, laughter, and banging sounds]

[Ghostly moaning, laughter, and banging sounds]

[Scream]

The spirit is really pissed about

somethin' you did in your past.

Oh God, is this about the elderly man

I ran over in college and blamed on my boyfriend

who then committed suicide in prison?

Uh... Yes.

And it'll be 300 bucks to bust this ghost.

GINA: [Spooky voice] Dooouuble it!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I meant 600.

Great news, everyone!

This has all been a terrible dream?

Regina tourism numbers are through the roof

thanks to the initiative of

one particular employee.

Premier O'Shea has commissioned yours truly

to announce a promotion for the aforementioned go-getter.

I owe it all to the Executive Success

Self Awareness Rodeo

at Lake Waskesiu.

Introducing the new staff supervisor of Regina Tourism...

Petey McDougal!

Petey?!

I knew I should've signed up for

the Self-Esteem Booster Derby!

Stupid Toby!

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Now that you're running the office, Petey,

you may want some help running the tours...

Boo!

...Someone with a deep passion for Regina History

and 96 vacation days saved up.

Hint hint.

No! No! I'm still running the tours.

I wouldn't want you exposing my lies -

I mean... wasting your time.

You might be my boss,

but you're not the boss of me!

[Belch]

Oh, look, it's time for me to avoid confrontation.

Agnes, you ready for another bus tour?

Lookit you!

Risin' to the top of Regina Tourism.

For once, my pride in ya outweighs my shame.

Thanks, but the other employees seem a bit disgruntled.

Could you smooth things over for me?

Sure thing - and ya know what's great

about you bein' my boss?

I don't have to call in sick no more.

I can just shout from the couch!

[Laugh] You're funny.

Thanks, Pop.Who's jokin'?

Yo Tobes, I know my family

takin' over the business comes as a shock.

Very perceptive, Percepticon!

Give the kid a chance, will'ya?

You were once the guy on top.

It's not his fault you blew it.

Well, now that I'm not the boss anymore,

I guess I can finally let my hair down!

Schnapps? It's peach.

To Petey!Whatever.

Look at all this money!

I can finally buy myself a unicorn!

Those things are extremely rare.

You ain't buyin' nothin'.

We gotta keep Ma in the dark about this

or she'll try and horn in.

So keep your yap shut!

I won't say nothin' as long as ya cut me in.

The only thing I'll be cuttin' is your tongue out.

Oh Cookie...

Alright, fine, but you better pull your weight.

I'm already carryin' one useless moron on this caper.

Yeah!

Oh Cookie...

I said alright! What are ya doin'?

Nothin'. It's time for my bath.

Petey!

We was just talkin' about ya,

best son who's my boss I ever had!

[Belch][Hiccup]

Is this what you meant by getting Toby on my side?

You're drunk!YOU'RE drunk.

[Fart][Laugh]

It smells like peaches, beans,

and insubordination in here!

Knock knock. Who's there?

Pow!

I'm writing you both up for drinking on the job...

That's an Article 48.

And breaking wind in front of a superior!

That is 22.

We were just toastin' to celebrate your promotion!

Tell it to the naughty corner, McDougal.

I ain't sittin' in no naughty corner!

And since when do we have a naughty corner?!

Shut it!

Things better change around here,

or the staff will.

[Toby puking]

TOBY: Agnes...

I just article twenty- sixed in your purse.

I'm sorry, Pop, but I had to make an example of someone.

Ya humiliated me in front of everybody.

Go to your room! You're grounded!

You can't ground me. I'm your boss!

At work, you're the boss.

At home, I'm the boss!

Oh yeah?

Well, just you wait 'til we get to work tomorrow.

Yeah?

You just wait'll we get home from work tomorrow!

Which will be around midnight,

because you'll be working late!

♪

♪♪

♪

♪♪

♪

♪♪

♪

See? I gave ya a boost.

I'm already payin' for myself.

[Gina grunting and crawling in ducts]

You can make scarier noises than that.

Ya sound like Pop puttin' on his shoes.

GINA: I'm stuck. Get me outta here!

Go on, bring back our little butterball.

Easy! You're gonna pull my arm off!

This is ruining my hair!

What the hell are you doin' in here?!

I got scared out there alone.

I hear this house is haunted!

Just back out so we can start the scam.

I'm stuck!

[Groan]

[All three shouting and struggling]

I'm calling the psychic!

♪ Happy Birthday,

♪ former subordinate!

Jesus!

That thing's more fireball than cake.

How old are you?

What's this? An office birthday party?

Why wasn't I invited?

I like cake. I like singing...

You know what?

Regina Tourism includes everyone in birthday celebrations -

everyone or no one!

[Hiccup]

I [bleep]in' hate that guy.

I gotta live with him!

That must be about as fun

as a chapped ass on a long bike ride.

Lemme tell ya somethin' about Boss Man.

He once created an app named "Roxy"

to call his phone every day

so people'd think he had a girlfriend.

[Laugh]

Ooh!

Mr. Bigshot's too good

for blow up dolls!

And get this - he still sleeps with plastic sheets!

[Laugh]

[Whispering] I stopped wetting the bed in my twenties.

Oh, it gets better!

Whenever he watches scary movies,

he has to sleep in our bed!

[Laughing]

Alright, McDougal, I've had it with your attitude.

You're fired!What?!

[Phone ringing]

Oh, hey Roxy. Now's not a good time.

Can I call ya back, babe?

[Laughing]

Cook!

We're outta pork rinds!

So go to the store and get some!

But I wanna see if she says yes to the dress!

The Dad's a cheapo, and I think he's about to have a stroke.

[Man bellows]There he goes.

What a day...

Someone pooped in my desk!

Guess I owe Toby five bucks.

Can you turn on the news, please?

And get your feet off the couch.

But "My Big Fat Alaskan Gypsy Lumberjack Wedding"

is on next!

When you work all day,

you can watch whatever moronic show you want.

That's not fair!

Petey, for Chrissake, just hire your father back!

Why would I hire a guy who thinks

the photocopier is an ass camera?

Yeah, well, I wouldn't go back even if ya paid me!

And by the way, I'm still gettin' paid.

Of course you are. It's a Canadian government job.

How do ya drink this stuff?!

[Gina, Theresa, and Cheech shouting and fighting]

Where's Mademoiselle Conya?

I left her a message hours ago!

I'm calling again.

[Phone ringing]

I told you we shouldn'a left our phones in the car.

The last thing we need

is you textin' some meathead boy-toy while we're workin'.

Don't be stupid. Big Mike can't read.

[Stomach rumble]Ugh.

I'm starvin'! Help!

Get us outta here!

Shut up!

Why should he?

Aside from losin' a little weight,

there's no plus side to bein' trapped in here.

[Spooky voice] Hellllllp!

Heeelllllp!

"Old houses have so much character."

"If these walls could talk."

Well they're talking now, Dan!

Happy?!

[Beeping]Ya hear that?

You had your freakin' phone the whole time?

I was savin' the battery for selfies.

[Click]

Quick! The battery's dyin'!

Who ya callin'?

I'm callin' Ma to come and get us!

Cook, before ya do anything,

bring us a jumbo cheese and anchovy -

GINA: I'm gonna freakin' kill ya!

[Couple screams]

Toby, Agnes,

I need us to pull together as a team, okay?

There is no "I" in team.

But you can spell "me" with part of it...

and "ta" with the other part.

Great news, Petey!

Premiere O'Shea wants the tours

bumped up to 12 a day!

What?!

I suppose this means a few "Regina After Dark" tours.

Sounds positively tantalizing.

For Canada -

where lusting over a moonlit grain elevator

is about to become a thing!

Is he kidding?

You guys are really gonna have to pull up your socks.

Wait! Where are you going?

To the liquor store,

to "pull up our socks," ya dick!

JIMMY: Jeez, kid! Ya look terrible!

Don't start. I'm not in the mood.

Look, I'm not sayin' this as a disgruntled former employee

that ya totally screwed over.

I'm sayin' this as your Pop. Ya gotta quit!

I can't. I just can't!

Sure ya can.

Ya walk into your own office,

ya drop a deuce on the desk,

and you strut out like a man!

What's so hard about -Because I lied!

I made up fake Regina history

so the tour would be more exciting.

Ya bullcrapped the whole thing?

I'm impressed!

If my lies are exposed, I'll be a laughingstock.

I'm just going to have to run the tour

for the rest of my life.

You're bein' a little dramatic.

I'm glad to see them acting lessons paid off.

That was Theresa!

[Sigh]

Goodbye Ivy league PhD scholarship,

hello basement apartment and TV dinners

in my dirty underwear.

That reminds me - Where's Cheech?

Look, I'm proud of ya, son.

Ya rose to the top on lies

and you'll do anything to protect the scam -

just like a true Falcone! But -

[Snoring]

Aw, poor kid.

Seriously, though - Where the hell's Cheech?

Where the hell's everybody?

Ah, yes, the spirits are present,

and they are -

CHEECH: Staaaaarvin'!

Poor things don't know they crossed over.

Probably died 'cause they

cut the wrong person out of a job!

Can you get rid of them?Yes.

But you must leave this place,

so I have a clear channel with the little [bleep]s.

...I mean spirits.

[Door closes]

Y'know, I should leave you three up there to rot

for not cuttin' me in on this.

CHEECH: It was them, Cook.

I begged, I pleaded, but they wouldn't have ya!

GINA: Nice impression of Pop, ya rat.

I been runnin' spirit scams longer than alla you!

GINA: Fine! Sorry!

Now get us outta here and we'll give ya... 30 percent.

Seventy.Fifty.

Have a nice afterlife!

THERESA: Wait! Don't go!

CHEECH: Eighty percent and we got a deal.Deal.

GINA: Cheech!

Get ready to cross over to the other side!

GINA: [Laughing] Ya hit Cheech in the face!

Rumour has it... [yawn]

...that's where the Wheat Pirates buried their treasure

before sailing back to Alberta.[Phone ring]

What is it, Pop?

Too bad the bus didn't start, huh, son?

You're welcome!What are you talking about?

I cut the starter cable so you wouldn't have to do the tour.

No bus, no tour.

Bingo bango! You're off the hook!

I'm driving the bus right now,

with a bunch of tourists.

[Horns honk]

In fact, I just drove through a red light!

Pop! You cut the brake line!

Well, I cut somethin' -

and would appreciate a "thank you."

PETEY: I can't stop! I can't stop!

[Tourists screaming]

That's the pool where they shot Titanic!

Gordon Lightfoot got a hotfoot on that bench!

That silo's full of candy!

There's a bunch of zombies in that house!

Ooh, zombies!

[Horn honk]

You're headed right for the lake!

It's okay, Pop! This is an amphibious bus!

I don't know what that means!

It's a bus AND a boat!

[Laugh] Yeah, right!

[Tourists scream]

[Groan]

Ya alright, kid?Better than the bus.

[Scream]

Oh my God! Zombies!

[Growl] So hungry...

Best tour ever!

Yargh!

I suppose the lesson here

is that one should never lie

to get ahead in a work situation.

Nah - the lesson is ya should always have

a fall guy to blame in case ya get caught.

No - it's that ya should never

cut your mother out of a good scam!

Would you guys shut up? We can't hear the TV!

Pick a [bleep]in' dress already!

They're all the same!

WOMAN: This dress is soooo tight.

[Gasp] Can you help me take it off?

[Ripping sound]

What the hell are we watchin'?

"Say 'Yes, Oh God, Yes, Yes'

to the Dress."

I promised myself I wouldn't cry,

but it's so beautiful...