Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

Who am I? None of your business!

What's it to ya? You writin' a book?!

That's how I'd be talkin' if I was still in the mob.

The ancient Italian code of silence

known as "Omerta"

required us to keep our mouths shut.

It all started back in Sicily,

where the mob made an example

of anyone who opened their mouth...

Like this guy - all he did was ask a cop for directions.

After that, no one ever talked to the cops.

♪

♪♪

In fact, no one ever talked to anyone,

just to be on the safe side.

♪

♪♪

Even if my great grand-pop's pants were on fire,

he still would'a kept his mouth shut.

Helluva guy.

The whole village grinded to a halt.

They hadda come up with some way to communicate.

♪

♪♪

♪

♪♪

♪

♪♪

And that's why Italians talk with their hands.

Because of Omerta?

I don't think that's true, Pop.

Oh yeah?Ow!

Ya know what that means, or did I stutter?

Uh... Fugget about it?

♪ Let me tell you something

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ he take the boss,

♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪

♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

This corset's so tight my boobs are comin' out my back.

Why are we here?

I gotta support my boss's side business,

'cause he supports my Wednesdays,

Tuesdays, and Thursdays off.

Dinner where someone gets whacked...

It's like I'm back home.

Except I'm dressed like an asshole.[Gunshot]

Oh no!

Someone shoot-em Rancher Dan!

Ooh, the cavalry's here!

...Albeit unscripted.

Roll with it, everyone!

Don't mind me. I'm just here to see -

Buffalo Jump, Toby! You can't wear that!

I can't even wear that!

Jimmy, I'm afraid I have some pressing news.

Great, tell us at home! Let's go!

ALL: Yeehaw!

For Canada...

where white people still think wearing these is okay!

[Groan]

Dances with Horse make biggum angry,

run many paces.

Am I right, guys?

Alright, McCool, so what's this news?

There's no easy way to say this...

Aw crap, we're movin' again.

Who'd ya rat out this time, Hopalong Sacka[bleep]?

I, for one, welcome a fresh start!

That's 'cause you got caught in class with a sleep boner.

It's your grandmother in Sicily.

Nonna?!

I'm afraid she's... dying.

Noooooo!

Why, God, why?!

That woman is a Saint.

Roll out the fluffy red carpet, Jesus,

'cause there's an angel comin'.

Take me instead, Lord!

No, take me!

Take 'em both, God!

Please!

I know your pain.

I was absent when my own dear Grandmother passed.

They say she shrieked my name

as the grizzly bear tore into her...

When I heard about your Nonna,

I resolved to bring her here for a final farewell.

Whaa?

Are you outta your freakin' mind?!

I don't wanna see her. I hate that bitch!

She's the whole reason I had an eatin' disorder.

I don't understand!

You were all so upset when I said she was dying.

She's family!

Ya gotta make a big show in case

God and/or the neighbours are watchin'.

But if she finds out we ratted on the mob...

Yeah, "we."

Don't worry.

Nonna's practically comatose!

She'll have no idea where she is.

I'm not takin' that chance.

We gotta be ready to make her think it's the old life.

No Witness Protection, no cops,

nothin's changed.

That might be tricky... She lands in two hours.

[Gasp]

I'm comin', Jesus!

♪

♪♪

♪

♪♪

Alright, one more time.

[Takes a breath] Forget it about it!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Sorry, I'm nervous.

Ya heard me say it like a million times!

[Lights crackle and buzz]

[Shivering] It's here...

See, what did I tell you?

Shhh!

Jimmy?

Uh, that's right, Nonna. It's Jimmy.

[Scream]

Winnipeg Jets! She's up!

That means you're up, Serpico. Make it good.

Fugget aloud in, uh...

So, Jimmy,

I see you bring-a the whore!

Hello, Nonna.

And the cry-baby.

Waaah!

Santa Lucia!

Don't feed-a this one after midnight!

And here's-a the fat one.

Hi, Nonna. It's nice to see -

Marone! The idiota lives!

Evenin', Nonna. You're lookin' lovely.

Okay, Nonna, good to see ya!

Let's get this visit over with.

Ey, wait-a for your cousin.

What cousin?

"What cousin," says-a the porky pig.

♪ [Ominous chord]

[Sigh]

Aww, that's nice.

Apollonia, come meet Dante's Inferno!

♪ [Romantic music]

♪ [Romantic music]

[Record scratch]

Ya know that's your cousin, right?

Technically not. I'm a McDougal.

Too bad - it's way hotter if she's your cousin.

Okay, let's get ya home, Nonna.

Ya must be tired.

Tired of-a you face.

We no go home.

I wanna see Statue a-Liberty!

Uh, Nonna, obviously we're in, uh, New York,

which we are, but, uh,

the Statue of Liberty's a tall order.

Why? This is a city that never sleep!

[Sniff] And never take a bath.

Ugh. We go!

You idiot!

Apologize to Nonna like the stinkin' dog that you are!

Hey-o! Bada-boob-a!

[Laugh]

I's reals'a sorry dere, a-Nonna-ballona.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know why...

but I like-a you!

Now take-a me to Lady Liberty.

How ya doin', Paisan? I'm Cheech.

She look...

...smaller?

Yeah, uh... budget cuts.

Thanks a lot, Obama!

We go.

Ah, America.

Is so romantic.

It sure is!

We invented drive-thru wedding chapels.

So, Pietro...

you have a sweetheart?

No, I just haven't met the right cousin -

Girl! I mean girl!

[Giggle]

Il mio hero!

Y'know that's your cousin's ass you're gropin'.

[Yelp] Would you stop reminding me?!

House is-a small.

Business bad, Jimmy?

No, uh, the mansion's bein' renovated.

This is... Petey's house!

Is Petey in family business?

Yeah, yeah! He's a chip off the ol' block.

Petey, show Apollonia to her room.

Don't tell me what to do in my own house!

Can you believe this bitch?

Nonna, I made eggplant parm just for you.

Ya hungry?

Eggplant?

Nonna thought-a you just put cheese on a dirty sock.

This'll be your room.

[Squeak]

Heh. Plastic sheets.

It's not what you think. I'm just a bed wetter.

In village,

I always dream of America.

Now I am here with handsome cousin,

like a dream come true.

If dreams came true,

I'd be your handsome cous-

Oh, wait!

Pietro, will you show Apollonia Big Banana?

Banana?

Well it is kinda yellow and curves left...

Oh, you mean The Big Apple! [Chuckle]

I thought you meant my penis.

Whoa.

That's the first time I've ever said

"penis" in front of a girl.

You don't know what I'm saying, do you?

Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis...

I like you.

Old hag wouldn't know good eggplant parm

if it smothered her in her sleep with my favourite pillow.

Now now, just because she spat it back onto her plate

doesn't mean she doesn't like it.

Jimmy, I think if she finds out, she won't tattle.

She's family.

She's Sicilian!

We broke Omerta.

That [bleep] runs deeper than blood.

[Shout]

[Sniff]

I smell-a the rat.

[Gasp]

Oh, no, that's the whore's excuse for cooking.

Where's alla your friends, Big Sheet?

It's big "shot".

I know what I say.

No friends to pay respect to Nonna.

Something not-a right here.

Put her in a bath, drop in a toaster -

badda boom, pine box back to Italy.

If she's onto us, we gotta send her back -

right now!

If we send her back,

she'll know we're onto her bein' onto us.

Gina, run a bath, I'll get the toas-

[Long, loud, squeaky fart]

[Long, loud, squeaky fart]

Oh. Eggplant parm!

So, ya wanna way outta this?

I know just the guy to talk to.

[Fart]

Who?I said -

[Fart]

Who's that now?You know who I mean.

It's - [Fart]

Thank you. [Sigh]

I said "Timmy."Who's Timmy?!

Ya know, your friend there, Geronimo.

Toby?That's the guy - Tony!

[Fart]

Oh Gina, you're gross!

Still tastes better than that [bleep]in' eggplant.

♪ [Upbeat, whimsical music]

♪ [Upbeat, whimsical music]

♪ [Upbeat, whimsical music]

♪ [Upbeat, whimsical music]

♪ [Upbeat, whimsical music]

♪ [Upbeat, whimsical music]

♪ [Upbeat, whimsical music]

Alright, we wanna hire your

mystery dinner murder theatre, Tippy.Toby.

As long as it starts with a T!

Shut up, Robby.

It's gotta be a New York gangster theme.

Oooh, I love gangster stories!

New Jack City, Boyz n' the Hood, The Goonies...

What Goonies? I'm talkin' the mafia!

Cheech, this is not a good idea.

How dare you come into my nephew's house

and disrespect me like this!

I go to kitchen. I mind-a my business.

Ya see, Taco?

That's the kinda authenticity we're lookin' for.

Don't you worry,

authenticity is our new middle name

at The Eastside Authenticity Players!

Eastside Toby,

this fightin's gone on too long!

We gotta bring the families together,

end the bloodshed, and eat some pasta!

Blood-a-shed-a! Macaroni!

Mama Mia! Abba's the best.

That's insultin' and kinda racist,

but ya got the job.

Oh, Jimmy.

You won't be disappointed!

That's not true, but whatever. Don't moosh this up.

The only thing I'll be mooshing are the Italian peas!

I think I wanna kill him already.

That's good. Use that.

[Thunder][Whimper]

Aww, did you come running to me

because you're scared of the thunder?

No, I come 'cause-a

YOU scared of thunder.

Thank you.

I like-a you...

I like you too, Apollonia, but we're cousins.

"Cousins." It's just a word.

But it's forbidden...

Except in Kentucky and parts of Manitoba.

What about...

Regina?

You know we're not in New York?

Yes.

I no understand, but I no care.

[Smooch]

I sorry, I cannot!

I know - it's wrong, but it feels so right!

What can we do?

[Girlish scream]

I get-a new sheets.

...and pyjama bottoms.

TOBY: Hey everybody, look!

It's Jimmy Spaghetti and the Spaghetti family!

And you brought the little meatball.

[Knuckle crack]

Oooh, she looks mad.

Toby, I told ya to call us the Falcone family.

It's very important.

I thought about it, Jimmy,

but "Falcone" is just too on the nose.

Are you kiddin' me?!

Jimmy, you're Scottish.

I worked in Italy.

Ceramic Tile Bazaar for three years!

I know a thing or two

about the land of grout and marble.

Get those cotton balls outta your mouth.

Ya look like an idiot.

But that's what Marlon Brando used in his portrayal of -

Brando's not even Italian!

And for the record, neither is Bratwurst.

And why is there a Mexican flag up there?!

[Coughing and spitting]

Jimmy, we're walking a tightrope here,

and it's windy!

Careful not to blow your cover.

Which cover?

That I'm a gangster or I'm not a gangster?

I don't know! My mind's racing to keep up!

Machu Pichu!

Seriously, it's way better if ya don't talk.

Jimmy, this is all terrible.

Nonna's not gonna buy it.

Hoh! Is that Al Pacino?

I'm gonna get an autograph.

♪ [Mariachi music]

♪ [Italian accordion]

♪ [Mariachi music]

Hey, Jimmy Spaghetti with the great big belly, eat!

You want more ranch dip for your pizza bagels?

Look at that Larry Linguine!

Who let such a snake

into this gathering of honourable men?

Toss him out with the rest of the garbage!

Wink, wink.

I hope you're enjoying the show!

...of respect.

Show of respect, right, Nonna?

I go to the ladies room

and drop, how you say...

"Cookie's eggplant parmesan".

I think she's buyin' it. We're gonna be okay.

We're more than okay.

I'm Facebook friends with Pacino!

Hey, everyone! We just got married!

What?!

[Cheering]

[Gunshots]

And someone killed Larry Linguine!

[Crowd gasps, then applauds]

♪ [Mariachi version of "Hava Nagila"] ♪

My baby boy's married to his freakin' cousin!

We have to abort!I agree.

I do not want a two-headed cousin-baby runnin' around.

No, Jimmy, the mission!

First we gotta break up this marriage

before Nonna finds out and tells half of Sicily

that Apollonia married Petey Falcone!

By the way, Jimmy, my congratulations.

Little something for the happy couple.

Aw, ya shouldn't have.

Will ya forget about that?

Just go keep Nonna in the bathroom.

Cook, you scare some sense into Apollonia.

I'll go beat the [bleep] outta Petey.

Look, I know in the old country,

people marry their cousins all the time, but -

Ya don't wanna be married to a pimply chronic masturbator!

Plus, look at you, and look at him.

You're so beautiful,

and he's...

He's...

Handsome? Strong?

What are you, a crackhead? The guy's a loser!

What is a "loser?"

A gavone! An idiot! A bonehead!

I have to love him,

but you got a choice!

Ah. Si, si. One second.

Don't-a you disa-respecta my husband!

[Bottle breaks]

♪ [Spaghetti Western showdown theme] ♪

♪ [Spaghetti Western showdown theme] ♪

Ow! Hey!

What? Just makin' sure it's sharp.

[Toilet flushing]

Heya, Nonna!

The big boss-a says you gotta stay in the washroom

'caus-a Larry Linguine's killer is still runnin' around...

Bada bada bingo.

Such a nice-a boy.

Shut up-a you face.

Sulphur Mountain...

That is unholy!

I know you're disappointed you weren't at the ceremony,

but our love just couldn't wait.

I don't give a crap about your ceremony.

She's your cousin!!

Ya bang 'em. Ya don't marry 'em.

What is this, Kentucky?

No, it's Regina, and guess what -

My wife knows,

and she doesn't care.

You told her this ain't New York?

Are you nuts?!

Oh God, I gotta talk to Cookie.

Cheech, keep Petey away from Apollonia!

You can't keep us apart.

We're family now!

...Again!

...Still!

Y'know, I'm startin' to like this chick.

I think she really loves my boy.

Welcome to the family!

She was already in the family.

Don't ruin this, Gina.

Hey, Jimmy Spaghetti! I need-a to talk to you!

Not now, Toby.

How dare you disrespect me

at the wedding of your son to my daughter!

What he say?Nothing. Kiss me!

[Smooch]

Daughter? What the [bleep] are you talkin' about?

The wedding threw me off. I had to improvise.

Which is why we're now called

the Eastside Authenticity Improvisational Players!

...Another domain name I have to check.

Never mind the wedding!

But this union will bring our families together!

What-a wedding?

If your boy hurts-a my girl,

I'll kill-a you, Jimmy!

Please-a do.

Why you wanna be married?

Look at me! I'm free as a bird.

I got my options open. Sky's the limit!

You live alone in a basement.

Never let her go! You hear me?

Never let her go!

And name your first-born after me.

I don't care how many heads it's got.

Excuse me, everyone!

I've always said

there's nothing more important than family,

and apparently my son agrees

with a vengeance.

So it's my honour to announce

the first dance between Petey...

Cookie, no!

...and his beautiful - and surprisingly stabby -

bride Apollonia.

Oh dear God...

Let's do this, Nonna!

[Crowd cheering and clapping]

Stop right there, Petey Spaghetti!

You thought you fooled us with this elaborate -

and unscripted - wedding.

Well, you didn't!

YOU murdered Larry Linguine!

[Gasp]

[Roar]

Apollonia no marry this-a monster![Whimpering]

This-a family bring-a shame to me.

Crime-a! Murder!

But-a no more...

Nonna, calm down, please!

Cosa nostra...

Nonna, stop!

I'm not in the mob anymore.

I ratted out my old bosses

and now I'm in Witness Protection... in Canada.

[Crowd gasps]

[Gasp]

Is-a true, Jimmy?

Is-a true, Nonna.

I'm just a civilian now, a schnook.

♪ [Tense music]

Nonna so happy!

Thank-a you, Jesus!

Finally, Jimmy see-a the light!

Your cover's blown!

I'll have you inside the Arctic Circle by morning.

That's further north, isn't it?

Jimmy, that's so far North

Cheech'll probably bang Santa's wife.

[Sigh]

[Crowd clapping and cheering]

Take a bow, Jimmy. Quick!

Jimmy McDougal, everybody!

Brought to you by the Eastside Authenticity Improvisational

Surprise Ending Players!

[Crowd clapping and cheering]

So Nonna, you're not mad?

No, Jimmy.

For once, I'm-a proud of you.

But I betrayed Omerta!

I no care about Omerta.

It's just a big stupido

stereotype about Sicilians.

Now I'm-a gonna go-a make-a nice-a pizza pie!

[Crowd clapping and cheering]

Does this mean Apollonia and I have your blessing?

No!

Apollonia no marry the monster

who killed-a Larry Linguine.