Original subtitles

How y'doin'?

There's two words that strike terror

in the heart of any wiseguy.

They represent the end of freedom

and the start of a life sentence.

I'm pregnant!

JIMMY: My life was over.

Ya can be a good father, or you can be a gooodfella,

but ya can't be both.

Still, I wanted it all.

So I made it work.

[Baby giggling]

♪ [Big band jazz]

♪ [Big band jazz]

♪ [Big band jazz]

Alright, folks,

hit the floor and keep the cryin' to a minimum.

Anyone moves, you let me know.

♪ [Big band jazz]

♪ [Big band jazz]

♪ [Intense horror theme]

They moved.

I don't remember that.

The FBI does.

I spent two years on the most wanted list for that one.

Anyway, after that,

I decided to keep work and kids separate.

After I showed ya how it's done.

No, 'cause jobs come and go,

but family's forever.

Yeah, like herpes.

Ah, herpes ain't forever!

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ he take the boss,

♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪

♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

♪ [Sexy jazz]

COOKIE: Jimmy!

JIMMY: Oh, Cookie...

COOKIE: Oh, Jimmy!

JIMMY: Oh, Cookie!

Oh God, would you guys shut up!

Just think of other people and finish already!

Go back to sleep, Theresa!

How can I with the Golden Age of Porn

knockin' down my wall?

We better be real quiet.

[Chuckle]

[Smooching]

Yo...

Ya sound like a walrus and a seal

fightin' over a fish.

Keep it down, Sea World!

Let's go find somewhere more private.

Where's my robe?

PETEY: I just came to say goodni-

[Puking and shouting]

I'm still turned on.

K-Tel Records!

That's a Harvest Moon if I ever saw one!

For Chrissake, McCool! What do ya want?

I didn't mean to interrupt this

nostalgic re-enactment of prom night, Jimmy.

I'll come back.

Forget it, McCool. The moment's passed.

What do ya need?For starters, Cookie,

I can't help but notice your airbags are deployed.

Here, take my jacket.

A colleague of mine is going away on assignment

and her housesitter backed out at the last minute.

Thank God ya came to us!

Really?No, ya jackass!

Who cares about your friend?I'll do it!

I can't get any sleep with the walkin' dead here

moanin' all night.

Yes, I got an eyeful of that outside,

and subsequently won't eat for a week.

But I think this is a job for your brother.

That is so unfair!

Just because Petey's a boy,

ya think he's more compliment than me.

The word is "competent."

Oh, so now I'm stupid because I'm a girl?

Certainly not!

I would never discriminate on the basis of gender!

And even though I didn't,

I will offer you the job...

Just to be safe.

That's the Canadian way!

THERESA: Yes!

For Canada,

where equal opportunity just got a girl

an unpaid internship!

Fifty bucks says she burns the joint down in an hour.

Gimme forty, I'll do it right now.

Theresa, you have three priorities

whilst housesitting for my colleague.

Money up front, no kissin' back doors extra?

I'm sorry, what?Nothin'.

You must keep the house spotless

and feed the dogs regularly.

[Dogs snarl and bark]

[Scream]

[Giggle] They're like friends who never judge.

And then there's Ziegfried...

Who's Ziegfried?

McCOOL: Ziegfried is a dwarf alligator -

My friend's pride and joy.

Beware - He likes to bite.

How'm I supposed to pick it up?

Very carefully! [Laugh]

That Gator is the coolest thing I ever seen.

I'm stayin' here, too.

As am I!"As am I?"

No wonder bullies tape your ass shut.

I don't know if everyone stayin' over is a good idea.

It's a great idea, Cook!

We'll get everybody outta the house.

Besides, Theresa can totally take care of that creepy lizard!

This 'creepy lizard' can take care of himself.

Now, who wants to cook me dinner?

Ya hear that silence?

It's glorious.

No kids houndin' us.

Let's take advantage of this peace and quiet while we can.

Yeah!

Why hop in the sack right away?

We got alllll night.

Yeah, we're empty-nesters!

I'm gonna go take a long, hot bubble bath.

Good idea, babe. I'm gonna catch up on my rea-

[Snoring]

♪ [Humming]

[Clock ticking]

[Clock ticking]

♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

[Clock ticking]

COOKIE: Jimmy...

[Shout] What?!

♪ [Sexy saxophone jazz]

♪ [Sexy saxophone jazz]

Ya got condoms, big boy?

Yeah, right here!

I even got the glow- in-the-dark ones.

Are you nuts? We need those!

I want you RIGHT NOW, Jimmy.

And ya don't gotta worry about bein' premature,

'cause I don't mind.

Really? I can just -

Wait a sec! I know what this is!

[Record scratch]

You want another baby!

What? Don't be silly.

A baby? That's bananas.

I just want to make a baby with my husband-

I mean make love to a baby-

I mean make a love baby!

[Sigh] Fine, if you don't wanna,

maybe it's for the breasts- I mean breast milk.

I mean - Ugh, forget it.

You wanna have another baby?!

Are you nuts? We got four kids already!

We got three!

I'm countin' Cheech!

C'mon, havin' a kid now'd be like

shankin' a guy in the shower two days before parole.

Boom! Another 20-year stretch.

I'm puttin' my foot down - Both foots.

No more kids!

Okay, fine. The man has spoken!

I guess I'll just

polish this little spot here on the coffee table...

Oh, it's so dirty, Jimmy!

[Snap]Ow! My neck!

Sit down. I'll give ya a massage.

Alright, but no tryin' to seduce me, capisce?

I know what you were doin' there

with the magic swirlin' ass.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh yeah. Your hands are so soft...

Hey, that's not fair!

Cut it out!

[Grunt]

[Voice muffled]

Look at this mess.

You're really livin' up to people's low expectations here.

Way I see it, before we leave,

we make Petey clean everything up.

And people call you the dumb one.

Let's make some work for him!

[Both laugh]

Hey, that looks fun!

[All laughing]

Catch! [Laugh]

I just took Ziggy for a three hour walk

to the end of the driveway.

Alligators are kinda boring.

He don't look too good. Anybody feed him?

I filled his bowl with tofu.

Tofu?

He's a carnosaur. He needs meat!

Here ya go, little fella.

Ha!

You're gonna have to move faster than that, ugly.

You probably shouldn't do that.

Nah, he loves it, right, Zi-

[Scream]

[Cheech screams, Ziggy growls]

That's what you get for teasin' him!

[Cheech screaming, Ziggy growling]

[Cheech screaming, Ziggy growling]

Let him go! Don't hurt him!

Oh my God, Cheech!

[Dogs barking]

Oh no! Ziggy!

Didn't ya feed the dogs?!

Again, tofu.

[Growl]

Ha! He missed!

♪ [Tense music]

♪ [Tense music]

Lucky I got away.

Cookie's knockers got a kung fu grip!

♪ [Exciting thriller score]

♪ [Exciting thriller score]

♪ [Exciting thriller score]

Gimme the sperm, big boy!

[Scream]

No! It's mine!

Until I squeeze it outta ya!

Then it's mine, all mine!

[Crazy laughter]

The kids gotta come home. Cookie's gone baby-crazy!

What happened? Ya tease the 'gator?

You know me so well.

What are ya so worked up about?

Ya don't want a baby, just don't have sex with Cookie.

Yeah, you're right.

But...What is it?

[Stammering]

It's just we haven't, ya know, 'done it' in a coupla weeks,

and I, uh...

Ah! Ya got what medical professionals call 'blue balls'!

[Gasp]

Lemme tell ya a little secret I learned in prison...

Okay, stop talkin'.

No! That's only to get cigarettes!

I'm talkin' about beatin' it like it owes ya money!

I can't do that in the house.

Cook's like a bloodhound!

She'll sense the baby batter a mile away and confiscate it.

It's like a seventh sense!

We all know what her sixth one is.

[Mystery fart]

Ew! Who was that?

[Sniff] It was Petey!

I know your brand, mister.

I once broke wind in Reno and she called to rag me out.

So she's got a nose for farts and man milk.

Ya don't gotta yank it in the house.

There's lots of other places.

Bus shelters, department store change rooms,

back pew of the church...

I get it! I'll figure it out.

Good.

In the meantime, I'll talk some sense into Cookie.

You go find someplace to have a nice little masturbate.

[Gasp]

Hoh, don't look at me lady!

He's the one about to abuse himself like a circus monkey.

CHEECH: Cookie, lookit this crap!

Kids cost a fortune.

And whaddaya get for it?

Stinky diapers and a lotta back-talk!

I get that from you already.

Besides, babies are wonderful.

You can't beat that baby smell,

their little feet,

all the sweet sounds they make...

They do make cute little sounds.

And that nice warm feelin' when they snuggle on ya.

Oh, I love that snuggly feelin'.

Reminds me of my old cell mate, Rapey Joe.

The way they gaze up at ya,

knowin' that you're their entire universe,

and they love ya like

no one has ever loved ya before.

Now I want a baby!

Aren't you sterile?You mean "senile."

And yes, Delores,

I will have a donut.

Alright, I'm out.

Lookin' for dogs is beneath me.

G'luck, suckers!

Not so fast!

The dogs'll wander back,

but we need a new Ziegfried!

No we don't. Who cares, Theresa?

I pushed for this job.

If I screw it up, I'm gonna look like an idiot!

Yeah, "gonna."

I am not dealin' with Ma sayin',

"Y'see, Petey should have been the house-sitter."

[Bleep] him.I'm right here!

It's just an expression, Petey.

Anyway,

I need ya both to get on board and help me find an alligator.

Why would you need to find an alligator, Theresa?

Uh, 'cause Cheech really took to Ziggy

and... wants one for himself.

I always pegged Cheech for an animal lover...

Although on some level, I imagined that literally.

Of course, alligators are tricky to find in Regina.

You can ask my colleague about it

when she returns home tomorrow.

Tomorrow?!

Her assignment was cut short.

She can't wait to feel

the leathery embrace of Ziegfried again.

And she'll be thrilled

he'll have a chum for future play dates!

Good luck in your search!

Alright, I'm back in.

Aw, thanks, Gina.

I don't wanna miss everyone goin' ballistic

when ya screw this up.

[Dialling phone]

Cheech, how'd it go talkin' to Cook?

CHEECH: Not good.

How 'bout you?

Did ya manage to take your hand out for a liquid lunch?

[Grunt]

No, and I'm dyin' here!

Tell Cookie to lay off the dirty texts.

I gotta go. I'm feelin' light-headed.

[Phone rings]

COOKIE: Didja get my picture?

'Cause I'm sendin' ya about 200 more.

Cook, please stop.

That's it! I can't take this no more!

[Phone ringing]

Regina Tourism!

Lemme tell ya what I wanna do to you, big boy.

First I'm gonna -

Oh my...

Alright Jimbo, man up and do this.

[Man furiously masturbates]

What the hell, Tobe?TOBE: Not now!

[Bellowing]

What kinda heartless world is this,

where a guy can't find a place

to have a tender moment with himself?

That'll do.

Well, tree,

I guess I'm gonna tap you with my sap.

[Dogs growling and barking]

Marone!

[Dogs barking]

[Dogs barking and Jimmy shouting]

Okay, God, I get it! It's a sin!

[Bleep]in' lay off, will ya?

[Snapping photos]

McCOOL: Alright, citizens, disperse.

There's nothing to see here!

Bryan Adams' Bleeding Fingers!

What are you doing up there?

Tryin' to avoid sex with my wife.

Get down, Jimmy!

Ooh!What?

Uh, nothin'.

So what's all this about

avoiding sex with Cookie?

I don't want her gettin' pregnant.

That's all ya gotta know.

I see. Well, why not get a vasectomy?

How is convertin' to Jewism gonna help?

No, that's circumcision. A vasectomy is different.

Ya want me to cut the whole thing off like a Ken doll?

No, it's when your vas deferens

get clipped and clamped!

It's probably easier if I show you...

I'm good!

I'm surprised you don't know about this.

[Sniffing]

Did you step in something, Jimmy?

Nope - and all I know about that stuff

is it's the devil's work.

No it's not!

And if you want to have worry- free relations with Cookie,

this way is a hundred percent effective.

[Sniff]

Are you sure you don't smell something ripe?

For Canada, where -

God does it ever stink!

Oh, this'll drive Jimmy wild!

God, my back is killing me...

Careful, lady.

That same outfit got me into this mess in the first place.

But you're so blessed!

"Blessed?"

That's cute. You got kids?

I'm almost pregnant with my fourth.

Whoopee.

I'm almost gonna kill myself.

But isn't it wonderful havin' that

little miracle growin' inside ya?

[Fart]There's your miracle, lady.

Was that you or me?

I can't feel anything but my hemorrhoids burning

like a ghost pepper butt plug.

But you're both about to receive the most amazing gift -

a child to hold, and love,

and imprint all your failures on.

Some friggin' gift!

I poop whenever I sneeze.

Alright, Jimmy, you can do this.

One little snip and -

[Sobbing]

My boys! [Sob]

Maybe I'll buy my balls a farewell drink.

GINA: There's one!

Looks like a snappy little bastard.

THERESA: So how do we get it?

Easy - we lower Gina down by her legs

and she grabs it.

I'm not goin' in there.

But you're the smallest!

You're the ugliest.

If your face gets ripped off, no one'll know the difference.

C'mere!Gina, stop!

Stop it,you two!

If we want to catch an alligator,

we're gonna need some bait.

So, which of these lizards swallowed the diamond?

The small one, Cheech.

But keep your eye on the big one.

Got it. He's the muscle.

You fellas'd look good on my feet.

Whoa!

I take it back!

Wheeee!

Just like Coney Island!

JIMMY: Leave the bottle.

What are you doin' here?

Hey, Cook. I needed a drink.

I was at the vasectomy clinic.

You got a vasectomy?!

But Father O'Malley told us that's how the terrorists win!

Relax! I didn't do it.

Look, if it's between havin' another kid

or havin' some doctor shove scissors into my nut sack...

[Shudder]

What I mean is I love ya, Cook.

If ya want a baby, I won't stand in your way.

In fact, I'll lie on top of ya.

Hey, there's the chick who

WANTS to shove a bowling ball out her hoo-ha!

[Fart]Yeah?

Well at least I don't poop my pants!

Yeah, if she wanted to,

she could shove TWO bowling balls out her -

Stop helping, Jimmy.

It's a shame we gotta

cut this cute little fella open.

I already told ya there's no diamond!

I faced death for that rock!

It's real to me.

[Growl]

They're back!

Aw crap, they got a taste for lizard meat!

Alright, toss 'em the gator!

Never!

Ow! Sonofabitch.

...we'll turn Petey's room into a nursery,

he'll go in Cheech's room,

and Cheech moves into the garage.

C'mon, have a heart!

Make Petey move into the garage -

or the bus shelter down the street.

[Dogs barking]Jesus Christ!

It's what we all want.Look!

[Scream]

You'll never take my baby!

Never take my baby!

[Dogs growling]

Sit!

That's better.

Stay away from my kids, ya bitches!

They're females, right?

You're takin' care of 'em and ya don't even -

[Scream]

Oh, it's ON,

ya mother[bleep]in' dogs!

[Howl]

Look at you kids!

Your mother had to get rabies shots in the guts 'cauza you,

and this is how you thank her?

Don't worry about it.

I'm just glad they're home.

Theresa, I'm very cross with you.

Rose's house was left in an abysmal state,

for some reason, the dogs won't come out from under the porch,

and Ziegfried is missing!

What? We put that gator back!

Yo, Cook,

the kid's latchin', but I'm not producin'.

Do I breastfeed on the left side or on the right?

Cheech, give Ziegfried back to me this instant!

What's with your face?

Ya get crap in your eyes or somethin'?

No, why do you ask?

Wanna sneak upstairs

and see if we can flag down a stork?

Huh?I was bein' cute.

I meant let's go put a load of baby in ya.

We're right here. We can hear ya!

[Sigh]

I think maybe I'm okay, Jimmy.

I'm better off countin' the two blessin's I already got.

There's three of us.Shut up, Petey.

Ya sure?Yeah, baby.

I know ya came around to the idea.

I hope you're not too disappointed.

Yeah!! Alright!

[Laugh]

Yes! Yes!

[Laugh]

Yeah!

Oh, baby!